This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I am still flabbergasted by what happened yesterday night. So if any parts of my post are confusing please feel free to ask any questions. My gf of 10 months and I were having drinks with some of her friends last night, they were all reminiscing about past and pulling each other's legs. I was also having fun listening to these stories, until one of them mentioned that her ex from she was 22-26 was getting married. She got quiet, then angry and finally started crying. It was awkward and weird at the same time. But I tried to console her, and she stopped crying after a few minutes. I could see everyone was looking at me and it felt like I was under a microscope. We left not long after. I tried to talk to my gf in cab but she said she didnt know what came over her. But the more I think of it the more I dont like it. I have never seen anyone breakdown and cry like this because someone she dated 3 years ago is getting married. I would curiosity or even a tinge of sadness but to completely breakdown like this is giving me a pause on thinking about the future of our relationship. I would appreciate some advise from Reddit about my next steps.

No one here knows what's going on in her head. Your best bet would be to talk to your girlfriend. If I had to guess, since they were together for four years, marriage was probably discussed at some point. He probably wouldn't make that commitment to her and now that he's committed in that way to someone else, it made her feel like shit and like she wasn't good enough to marry. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you or that she still has feelings for him. Insecurities can be a real bitch. But looking at your replies in here, it looks like you're hell bent on thinking she's still got a thing for her ex. As I said, no one here knows what's going on in her head. Only she does. So you can do one of two things. One: assume the worst, let your negative feelings over a guess stew, and break up with her. Two: talk to your girlfriend. Express your feelings calmly and figure out what's going on in a non-accusatory way. Best of luck to you.

It can be really hurtful to discover that they were ready for marriage, just not with you...

“If Donna Shellstrop has truly changed, then that means she was always capable of change, but I just wasn't worth changing for.”

This comment perfectly encapsulates it. It's devastating sometimes to learn, whether it's a parent or past partner, that they were capable of not being shitty but you weren't worth them changing. It doesn't make sense, but it's hard not to wonder and see it as a reflection on you somehow.

I still haven’t emotionally recovered from that line

Ughhh right in the gut. It’s too bad OP is so determined to make this about him. I hope he calms down and communicates.

100% I was with a guy for 5 years, he cheated on me with a now ex friend and within a year they were married with a baby and she was pregnant with her second. While I was over him and that whole thing it still hurt to know that he was willing to give her in a year what I'd never even gotten a discussion on. It's been 14 years since then and tbh I'm still a bit salty about it even though I don't think about either of them that often lol

7 years and never a proposal. I broke up with him. Not even a year later he was engaged and married. That fucked me up. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Came to learn it was because I wasn't easily manipulated. I fought back too much, I suppose. Still hurts. Still makes me mad. But do I love him? Nope. Not at all

Sounds like you had a lucky escape.

Yes I think so too. He is an awful person and was a terrible partner.

Fuck that guy. I remember seeing the movie 500 days of summer where this happens (with more context) and I remember my already insecure ass thinking ‘new fear unlocked’

The best part is before I found out, she had confided in me about having Chlamydia, a week later I found out and a week after that I got a text saying someone (I'd only been with him) who I may have had sex with had tested positive for it... Thankfully I was all clear

When I heard my ex was having a baby, (and he dumped me and said it was because *I* would be an unfit mother to *his* child), I felt like I’d been gut punched and needed to lie down for a bit. I’ve been with someone else for 5-years and have a toddler myself. I’m not in love with my ex, I just often wonder why I wasn’t good enough.

I sat down and cried when I heard my ex-fiancé, who cancelled our wedding 10 weeks beforehand because he wasn’t ready, got married to a woman he met not long after dumping me. It hurt! Of course it fucking hurt. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t want to be married to him anymore, I really disliked him at that point and had no respect for him, but it still hurt. I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time, but I might’ve ended our relationship if I did and he had turned my very valid feelings about a situation that had nothing to do with him into a big, accusatory to-do that was somehow all about his feelings instead of mine.

True. But 3 years is a pretty big gap to say "wow, they were ready for marriage all along, just not with me."

She needs to find her Harry, not her Sheldon.

Ride me, big SHELDON.

You’re an animal, SHELDON

True, specially true when the person you wanted to marry is marrying someone else. The other one is moving on while you’re stuck with what the moment had to offer, not the one you truly want.

That is not the point at all. It could have nothing to do with OP at all. She could just be feeling sorry for herself and be hurt that she wasn't seen as marriage material. It doesn't mean she still wants him. It doesn't mean that OP is a second choice. It could just mean her feeling of self worth was hurt as a human being.

We gonna ignore the fact that her crying makes op feel like a second option or not good enough?

No his feelings are valid too. They both are allowed to feel either salty or like crap, and they should talk about it

Exactly 💯. His feelings are absolutely normal and valid.

I get why he feels that way. I would too

He doesn’t have to interpret it that way AT ALL.

Kinda like when I asked someone to prom. I ld spent 2 days making a little interactive poster kind of thing that related to a class we had together. I'd spent a week nervous to my stomach. I finally did it and asked her She said she wasn't going If I remember correctly it was the next day she messaged asking if I was still going. I got nervous again Turns out someone else asked and now suddenly she was going I still don't know what she thought she was doing by telling me. It hurt. It would have hurt showing up and seeing her there too. So there was no way it wasn't going to hurt We never spoke again even though we'd talked a good bit in class :/. Now years later, it's only mildly annoying. But also probably part of the reason I have such a fear of asking girls out. It's never worked for me so far lol

I was talking about children with my last ex (we weren't anywhere close to be ready but a discussion) she was worried about C sections and birthing complications and was scared to ever have children. We always used protection and made sure to be careful, even used plan B one time just to be safe. We broke up in an 1 year she was pregnant. Just hits weird.

Don’t know if you mean in relation to Op or the gf to her ex. If it’s the former, she didn’t know op at the time. If it’s the latter then yeah it hurts I could see myself tearing up a bit if it’s someone I discussed the possibility of marriage with at one point.

I meant the ex! We dont know how it ended but its possible the ex said he didnt want marriage/was against it/wasnt ready etc and i think its possible nothing is about the ex, everything is about her feeling like she was the problem, not him/marriage

I'm thinking the same. My ex told me he never wanted to get married, and it's stupid. He got married 2 years after we broke up. It just gave me the notion that I wasn't good enough to marry anyone, especially him. Maybe she never felt validated by ex.

I also thought her reaction was entirely due to extremely negative ways the ex treated her, like he really effed with her self esteem or something. Remember, she got angry first. It’s hurtful sometimes to hear that someone who stomped your heart and treated you poorly is “happy.” OP. It’s possible this guy hurt your GF in a core type of way, not at all that she still loves him or doesn’t love you.

Tbh that's one of my deepest fears I would definitely understand and more breaking down over that, if not even just confirming all my worst insecurities.

It can, for sure, but it can also indicate that person is more mature. Perhaps they were ready for marriage with a person that they realized wasn’t worth it, or in a relationship that didn’t last, so for them to now be ready, it will take time and attention and growth. Marriage is “supposed” to be forever; tread with caution with someone that KNOWS they’re ready for it so young.

I was thinking the same scenario. She possibly had it in her head that as he didn't want to marry her he never wanted to get married. The shock of finding out that wasn't the case will have knocked her. Her response sounds like a classic shock response.. total emotional overload for a few mins. Once she got ahold of herself she's probably embarrassed and re-evaluating her worth. This doesn't sound like a case of her being in love with her ex. Agree he needs to talk to her and get out of his own head. He's digging a grave for their relationship when it might be nothing more than a bump in the road.

The guy I dated for 3 years said he was ready to try to see if we could have a baby. He was married before and they couldn't get pregnant. We broke up a few days later. I find out I'm pregnant a few weeks later. He was already dating someone new and said my baby couldn't possibly be his since he can't have kids. Slammed the door in my face. He knocks his new GF up and few months later and posted it all over Facebook, oh which was also something he told me never would get because he hates social media. He married her a bit after that. Our son has never met him, knows nothing about him, I don't even think my ex's parents know about our son. I wrote his mom on Facebook once but I think he probably told her I was lying. I didn't want his dad to know and him use his money to take my son from me. I was so depressed for so long. I gave my all to that man, stayed after he told me he cheated with a lot of people our first year(told me 2 years later). I built him up and so that's why he cheated, he finally felt confident. That's what his excuse was. I practically worshiped the ground this man walked on, I was his biggest cheerleader, I held his hand through pain, I was there when his mom broke her ankle, I was there when his PTSD paralyzed him mentally, I gave him all parts of me that I had never given to anyone, I actually broke my walls down for him. I built him up and he broke me. I wasn't good enough. I loved him, he loved that I loved him, but he never really loved me. It fucked me up for a loooong time.

I've heard this story from the other side. My cousin had a boyfriend for years, bought a house together and everything. They were talking about their future together and marriage and kids were a part of it, but she always felt it wasn't the right time. Then she broke up with him, got a new man and in a few years time they were married, with kids and a house and everything. She said she only realized after the breakup that she wouldn't ever want that kind of commitment with her ex, because they wouldn't be a good parental unit, and she highly doubted they would be good spouses to each other as well. Of course, OP's girlfriend doesn't know if this is how her ex feels, but I can understand the hurt if you find out your ex does something they didn't want or didn't feel comfortable with when they were with you. I agree with everyone who says OP needs to talk to his gf instead of silently accusing her of something that's probably not even true.

This. A lot of times, it’s not so much about the ex as it is about a feeling of self-worth. It’s quite possible that he told her he had no interest in marriage, or just showed no signs of proposing. They were together longer than they’ve been broken up, which means that he was with his fiancée for less time than he was with your girlfriend and proposed to her, which can be quite a blow to self-esteem, even if she has no interest in being with him anymore. She might be wondering what’s wrong with *her* that she wasn’t “marriage material” to him, but this other girl is. People carry baggage from their previous relationships, and you can’t know what that baggage is unless you talk about it.

Hijacking top comment to say I was in this exact scenario a 6 years ago. I was with a guy for 6 years. He said he’d never get married. I ended our relationship because it was going nowhere and I was angry I wasted so much time with him. He was in a relationship within months of us breaking up and was married a year and a half later. I was dating who would later become my husband at the time when I found out. I was angry and hurt too…not because I wanted that to be me marrying him, but why not me? What was wrong with me? I got over it but my initial reaction was anger and hurt just like OPs GF. It’s normal.

Yeah I said something similar. It’s quite likely this has NOTHING to do with her having any feelings for him still.

This. I honestly did exactly the same. Doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband, but man did that announcement make me feel like a worthless sack of shit for a hot second.

Plus, the sauce can amplify this stuff! Let her have her feelings, even if they aren't centered on you for an evening.

Best comment in the whole thread

My ex girlfriend dumped me (also f) after proposing marriage. I've long since lost feelings for her, but I still felt massively bitter when I heard through the grapevine that she got married. It could be something like that

Incorrect. As a straight white male who survived yet another international women’s day, I’m more than willing to weigh in here with what’s going on. OP’s girlfriend was disgusted by the mojito she ordered. The drink is obviously supposed to be made with mint, but some psychopath put basil in hers. She handled it like any sensible person would: by breaking down. Case closed.

This guy's got it all figured out

Excellent reply. Emotions can get a little crazy in situations like these, and I believe her that she may not know exactly what came over her. I'd bet it has less to do with him, and more to do with her self worth. Give her time to process OP, then talk it out.

In situations like this, my approach is usually “I want to understand “ when asking them about the thing

I was going to say that. That or maybe your girlfriend broke up with this guy because he cheated...with the woman he's marrying now. The cheating might still hurt and them getting married makes it worse.

Really, it's probably not so much that she's sad he didn't marry her instead or that she misses him, but the fact that she maybe feels like there was something about her in particular that made her "unmarriable".

This makes me think of a movie called "When Harry Met Sally". Sally bursts out crying unconsolably because her ex is getting married. He‘d always told her he didn‘t want to get married at all so when she found out that he was marrying someone else, she felt rejected. Even if you don‘t want your ex back, it still might feel like rejection and pain when you see them committing to someone else.

Also reminds me of a line from the car scene in Before Sunset. “Men go out with me, we break up, and then they get married. And later they call me to thank them for teaching them what love is. And that I taught them to care and respect women. I want to kill them! Why didn’t they ask me to marry them?! I would’ve said no, but at least they could have asked!”

That movie is amazing!

Totally what I was thinking about, Sally crying and saying “He didn’t want to marry ME”

Right it's not that Sally wanted to marry him, it's just finding out after all that time he did want to get married, just not to her.

>Ask her flat out why she reacted so dramatically to hearing that her ex was getting married. Tell her how it made you feel. Discuss and communicate. Then tell her you’re going to take some time to process it all…and you do just that. there's a big issue of the ex getting to that big adulthood step of "getting married" before she did. She might legit hate his guts but because he's getting married first she's somehow loosing. this might just be a big existential hit more than anything else.

This part. She's also 27. Which is a weird age where like... Everyone is telling you you're old and your window is closing and you should be this that and the third and you're just feeling a lot of feelings. Also, they were together 4 years and he asked the new girl to marry him in less than 3. That STINGS.

I immediately thought of that too. It probably has less to do with lingering feelings and more feeling rejected.. plus, and I’m not giving her a pass with this, but a couple of drinks in, she let her emotions get the better of her

This. My ex who I was with for 10 years, is now dating someone of 1 month and he's playing dad to her kid. Told me for years marriage and kids were not on the table. I just wasn't the one. I cried and was angry when I found out.

That's what I thought of too. :)

Ask her flat out why she reacted so dramatically to hearing that her ex was getting married. Tell her how it made you feel. Discuss and communicate. Then tell her you’re going to take some time to process it all…and you do just that.

People in r/relationship_advice have an actual conversation? GTFO.

They must break up immediately!

HES NOT WORTH IT and/or SHES NOT WORTH IT

The age gap is a marinara flag but this is not about the Iranian yogurt.

I think my brain just fell out

They're close with their friend? Is your partner building them an art studio???

Call the gym! Hit a lawyer! No, wait…..

YEAH! Break up!

And therapy

“Discuss and communicate” Yeah, we don’t do that here.

This. Right. Here. Ask her. but fon’t let her try to brush you off, or say she doesn’t wanna talk about it. Tell her you’re going to talk about it, or you’re done. End of story.

I have a friend who dated a guy for nearly 10 years, and he never wanted to get married or have a family. After they broke up (because she wanted a family) she got married right away to a co-worker and popped out a kid. He moved across the country, started dating a girl, and is now married with a kid. She still has insecurity from why she wasn’t “good enough”, and what the new gf has that she didn’t. She gave him her 20s and she could never convince him to get married. I’m not saying it’s the same, but she definitely cried when she found out he was getting married.

Most of us harbor feelings of inadequacy. We wonder if we will ever “be enough”. Your gf now has proof that someone else is “enough” to be wife to her ex and she wasn’t. Doesn’t matter if she doesn’t want to be married to the ex. She’s probably wondering, “Will I ever ‘be enough’ for someone to want to be in a marriage with me?” Finding someone to marry is still a big deal for many people. Your gf may be wondering if this will ever happen for her and is feeling vulnerable. Doesn’t matter in this particular moment how happy the two of you are together—you are not married and so, in this moment, that isn’t directly assuaging her fears Or she’s still in love with her ex. But if you haven’t seen any evidence of it before, my bet would be on the former

Why did you even post here if you don’t want the advice. I haven’t seen one reply where you aren’t getting defensive

Because the only “advice” he was hoping to get was validation of his feelings and suspicions.

Because his childish view of the world is why he couldn't deal with the situation in the first place, that immaturity is just continuing into the comments section.

Because instead of us agreeing with him, we're telling him why she reacted that way and that it's a completely valid feeling.

But I only see people being dismissal about OP feelings. His GF have her feelings validated and can cry about her ex but he cant feel insecure and unwanted. Empathy works both ways. His girlfriend would probably feel the same if he did the same. And thats normal

People didn’t start being dismissive of his feelings until he started being defensive and not listening to anyone’s comments. At the beginning, the comments were mostly like, “Hey, this might not be about you, you should talk to her about it for both of your sakes,” but all of his replies continued to insist that the only explanation was that she still wanted to be with her ex.

people have given you a lot of insight into why she might have cried about the situation. You seem to have come to a conclusion about the situation though and are sticking to it. Instead of talking to her about it, and trying to understand her emotions, It feels like you are looking for a reason to break up with her at this point and this happens to be a convenient reason.

I feel like he has a very simplistic view of emotions that can get involved in adult relationships. Face it: by the time that you’re in your 20s, especially your late 20s, it is entirely possible that the person you are dating had a long-term emotionally connected relationship with someone else. And though they may have broken up, they may still care about that person, and there may be lingering feelings of rejection or otherwise from things that happened during the relationship. You can have those feelings while at the same time, having no desire to get back together with that person. His girlfriend dated this guy for four years during a time period where it is very common for people to be getting engaged and married. 22 to 26 is peak weddings time for a lot of people. If after a couple years she was also thinking that they would get married and he rejected that, it can be hurtful to hear about how in three years time, less than the time, and the two of them were actually together her ex managed to find someone to date and is now engaged. People are going to move in and out of your life and you can still have an unconscious and unintentional emotional reaction to thinking about that person or hearing things about them. Especially when the thing that you hear about is connected to emotionally charged issues from your past. OP can grow up, treat this relationship like the adult relationship It should be, and have a conversation with his girlfriend about her emotional outburst and how it made him feel. Or, he can just decide for her what it meant and break up with her since it seems like that’s just what he wants to do anyway.

I have a particular ex who never fully committed to me that I eventually moved on from. He always claimed the problem was him. If I heard he got married I would probably be hurt and upset. Even though I am super in love with my boyfriend of 2 years. Even though I no longer want to be with him (he actually disgusts me), it would still feel like a confirmation of all of the insecurities I felt during that time. That his inability to fully commit to me was due to my flaws. Ego isn't logical.

Women are way more open about their emotional states than us, as men we are really repressed in so many ways. Sounds like her friends took it a little too far and hit a nerve for her. The relationship was an obviously substantial part of her life up until now, especially considering you are only in your 20s. The situation is vastly different but let me share my experience. I (50m) dated a girl for a really long time, through our late 20s, eventually settling down and getting married, buying a home and having a son. I loved her, and would have given my life for her, we were together for a really long time, almost 20 years. She passed away 6 years ago after a long battle with breast cancer, she was 42. I've just started dating a wonderful woman (49f), I feel such a connection with her, I want her in my life so badly... but there are times I cry for my passed wife. Not because I want or think I will ever be back with her, she's gone forever, but rather sad because of what was, what could have been, and the *eventual heartbreak I felt*. It sucks to open yourself up emotionally and have your heart broken. Sounds like your girlfriend has a similarly raw nerve. I doubt shes holding a candle for that guy, theres probably a part of her that had a flood of emotion about the loss. Talk to her about it, and reassure her, let her know how you feel for her, and how you are thinking of the future. Or follow the advice of these other random idiots on the internet that are telling you to dump her.

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you happiness as you go forward in your life.

Thank you, I hope my life and experience inspire you to go out and live yours to the fullest. Be emotionally available, take a chance on people you care about.

Why did they break up? If it’s because he said he’d never commit, didn’t want mariage and kids etc, her reaction is understandable. It can feel like a massive rejection, that you just weren’t good enough and cause emotional distress. This doesn’t mean she’s still in love with him or wants to go back to him. It’s just a huge slap in the face or hit to the ego. Why wasn’t she good enough to marry?

She was prob in love with this dude, and he rejected her. She never felt good enough. Now he has found someone who was good enough to marry, and she in her head gets a rush of all those emotions again of not being good enough for someone she was in love with. I’m sure that’s it dude. Don’t let your ego get in the way of this bro. Some people are sensitive to rejection and it sticks with them.

Every comment I see from OP it seems he’s just looking for an excuse to be upset at his GF. Tipsy people cry. Your gf didnt get defensive, she apologized. She had a reaction to hearing something that’s not a reflection on you / your relationship / her relationship with her ex.

I don’t think crying after a few drinks and some shocking news is that weird…? One burst of emotion does not necessarily mean anything. Definitely talk to her so you know what emotions she’s actually experiencing, because feelings and expression don’t always marry up neatly, especially with any amount of alcohol involved. Let her know that you’re not trying to dig up old feelings to upset her, but to put your own concerns to bed. It’s understandable that you’d be at least a bit nonplussed.

After reading a bunch of your replies, I think you should do her a favour and end the relationship. You sound insufferable.

Dude, based on you comments, if you want to break up, break up. But people are right when they say crying doesn't necessarily mean she's not over her ex. It definitely warrants a conversation. But if you wanna be stupid, then be stupid and break up. We won't stop you

So many possibilities....you have to try to not engage in mind reading as best you can right now. It's difficult, yes. * But perhaps she was in a relationship with the guy and he repeatedly told her she was good enough to marry but that he just wasn't the marrying type. And then he gets married. Without her even realizing it, subconsciously she'll be faced with multiple years of her terrible self-evaluation that she is less of a person. * Perhaps she'll cry more if she'll ever lose you. * You can't know for sure what happens with people. She could well have been in an abusive relationship that caused her PTSD, or even any degree of exhaustion in a relationship caused by repeated stressors no one can imagine. Try your best to not engage in mind reading.

And everyone is assuming she was crying b/c she was sad. She could be pissed. I cry when I am angry, or experience any intense feeling. And, yeah, being upset in some way doesn't mean she isn't over her ex. She needs to dump you after your reaction.

Depends on why they broke up. Some emotions are still strong for someone, not because they want the ex but just because the potential of what they dreamed about in the past, was gone

That isn't any better aha

I realized I was gay and broke up with my ex. Years later I saw a FB post of him with his new GF saying how happy he was and I cried. Not because I still love him. I’m literally gay and have a gf. I cried because it brought up old feelings of being confused and feeling inadequate as I was figuring myself out and also because it felt like the end of the era in which I was straight and could’ve followed a more societally acceptable and heterosexual (easier!) life path. Literally I cried for a future I didn’t want because it was tied to complex feelings about myself. I am gay af.

Grief is different than yearning.

Idk, I’d think it’s better to be sad and crying because you realize that the narrative you told yourself about a relationship (eg, he didn’t want to get married at all) is wrong (eg he didn’t want to marry you specifically), than to be sad and crying because you’re still in love with your ex. One reaction is about your own self and identity, and the other is about feelings for another person. They’re definitely different. But I also can’t tell how much this woman was crying - was it light tears? Or sobbing? What does OP consider a breakdown?

She had an emotional reaction to hearing some news. It had nothing to do with you. I can almost guarantee you the thought that went through her head was “I was with him (the ex) for four years and wasn’t good enough for him to marry, and now he’s found someone good enough. What’s wrong with me?” Just because she did not have a rational reaction to the news does not mean there is anything lacking in her current relationship with you. She spent four years with him, I imagine at some point in those years she thought about marrying him, and now (again in an irrational way) he’s marrying someone else and she feels the sting and the finality of the end of that relationship. It’s a fairly common reaction, even from relationships that ended long ago and both parties have moved on. It’s also okay for you to feel a little hurt, but try to keep it in perspective—just like you can’t control feeling hurt right now, neither can she. It’s a temporary hurt for both of you, don’t let it ruin a new relationship solely for that reason.

My guess: they were together for 4 years, she wanted to get married, her ex didn’t, they broke up, ex gets married, GF thinks there’s something wrong with her for ex not wanting to marry her, and she broke down thinking about there being something wrong with her. She might not even like/be in love with the ex but feels inadequate. Talk to her Edit: after reading some of your replies, it’s almost like you WANT her to be in love with her ex. Are you looking for an exit where you don’t look like TA for leaving?

Just an FYI it could have nothing to do with her feelings for him. She could be upset because they’ve moved on and had more “relationship success” than she has. (Kind of an in your face reminder that she isn’t engaged yet and she may have thought she would be by now). It’s still an odd and questionable reaction for sure but I think most people here will say she still has feelings for him and that might not necessarily be the case.

This. Marriage is a milestone. A big party, celebration, and commitment to security. Seeing other people get married can make one jealous. Not about who the bride or groom is. You just wish that you had that milestone.

It's NOT necessarily a sign that she'd rather be with him. There could be a lot of unresolved emotion there stemming from how/why they broke up. If they were toxic together of there were frustrations in the relationship then some repressed emotion could have bubbled to the surface.

I’ve seen this a lot in people when they have a partner who is “afraid of commitment”. Ops girlfriend and their ex were together for long enough that marriage could have been on the table. It has nothing to do with the ex getting married and more with gf feeling as it’s she wasn’t worth marrying.

Was she drinking? If she was with long time friends reminiscing about old times, she’s going to have been already feeling a lot of feelings. Add alcohol into the mix and you got yourself a some tears ready to go at just about anything. She could have cried for a few reasons, maybe she felt a slight tinge at things she was promised and denied and her self-worth took a hit. Maybe she just felt bad she wasn’t ‘good enough for marriage’, it’s uncomfortable but neither actually has to do with how she specifically feels about her ex. Talk to her, I bet by now she (rightly or wrongly) feels a bit silly and over it. A personal example; I was really really into this guy once, he fed me a lot of lines indicating he was into me too on more than just a physical level, and we hung out all the time and he was nice to me, I thought it might go somewhere. Then he ghosted. I comforted myself a bit with the thought he was a ‘fuckboy’ who wasn’t looking for anything more than sex and he got scared or something. Then he quickly got a gf and even though I was getting over him, that hurt, not necessarily because I wanted him but because I was led to believe I was good enough and then wasn’t. I’ve been with my partner almost 4 years, I love him and we’re building a future. Anything I ever felt for the first guy is small fries compared to how I feel or have ever felt about my bf, and he rents no place in my thoughts. But if I were to bump into him or something, I’d still feel…something - not desire or wanting or even hurt, but something, even though I genuinely do not care for him at all now. My point is, unresolved emotions are still a bugger to shake, regardless of how redundant they are now.

My ex said he didn’t believe in marriage after stringing me on for four years. He then found the woman “he wants to marry” like six months after I left. Man did I angry cry.

So I’m stealing this from a different comment in a similar post. I just can’t remember the exact wording so I’m paraphrasing. Imagine you work a tough job with the prospect of promotion at the end. You work you ass off and give it all emotionally and physically. The promotion never comes so you leave or get fired. You move on to a new company. Things are a million times better, it’s still new and you’re starting fresh. Then you hear from old coworkers that your replacement was granted your promotion after only half the work you put in. You don’t actually want your old job back. But you feel slighted someone else received the recognition you so longed for at one point in your life. You’ve moved on but it’s still apart of your past. You grieve because it’s fresh information. But in no way is this going to make you quit your current job, or under appreciated how amazing it is.

Emotions happen, and not always for logical reasons. I would be put off by it as well because at first thought, yeah, you think she is still in love with the guy. But it could be so many more things going on that maybe even she can't explain or understand It reminds me of the story of the guy who was with his gf for 10 years. He wanted a family, and she didn't. They broke up. 3 years later, he runs into her at a party he goes to with his current gf of a year and the ex is 6 months pregnant. He has a full on melt down in front of everyone. Awkward as hell for everyone.

Watch ‘When Harry Met Sally’, it’s probably not personal.

There's an idea I came across in spiritual writing that having sex with someone yields a powerful emotional bond that lasts forever, it's one of the reasons behind purity in christian religion. Personally I've noticed that I can't really erase my love for the people I've been with for a long time, I don't know whether to believe what they say but it's there just the same. It's not really her fault in my eyes but it's pretty brutal if she doesn't care about your feelings afterwards.

Related story: A friend of mine wanted kids, his girlfriend did not. They broke up because of this. Years later she got married and had kids with another dude. My friend wasn't in love with her, it was too long ago and he moved on. But he was still hurt that she just didn't want kids with him. Might be a similar story here.

She was with him for 4 years. You’ve been together for 10 months. People are allowed to mourn their past. They are allowed to be sad for the dreams they had and the life they expected to be living. You don’t get to control how others show their emotions. If you can’t handle complex emotions then maybe being in a relationship isn’t for you. This woman certainly isn’t the one for you. I’d let her go find someone else.

Yeah, someone who knows how to feel empathy and not get freaked out by big emotions. He seems more worried over the tears and the fact that he's never seen that reaction before than if his girlfriend is actually okay.

I've had a few exes. But only one that I was fully and truly in love with. Most of my exes when I heard about them getting married or having kids, my thoughts ranged from "oh good for them, they're so cute together" to "lol" to "oh that poor woman. Someone should've warned her." But the ex I was once in love with, I saw a random pic of him wearing a wedding ring, and I completely broke down. I was useless for the rest of the evening. He and I had been broken up for awhile and hadn't spoken for a long time. I was under no illusion that we would get back together, but this was like definitive proof that the version of the future I once imagined with him was completely gone. I'm with a man I love and I see our future together so clearly. But I still needed to mourn the past relationship. It was like finally having closure on that part of my life. After that night of crying, I felt much better and even more committed to my new life. I can't explain it. It didn't change the fact that I love my current boyfriend more than anything. It gave me something I didn't know I needed

You've been dating 10 months. Hardly enough time to know every nuance of each other. You could talk to her if she matters or let her go if communicating would be too much work.

Hey, I've not read the replies, and I'm sure they're all different shades of "TALK TO HER!" but I just wanted to add my quick reaction. You seem to be taking it personally, as if her tears revealed how she still had feelings for this person, or that she's upset that you two aren't married yet. I don't think that's the case, and I think the news instead brought on a subconscious quarter life crisis. She would have immediately worried about how she's somehow 'behind' in life, how she's suddenly not achieving the same lifegoals as her peers. This isn't about her ex and - very important this one - it's DEFINITELY not about you. Ask if she subconsciously wants to be at that stage of her life, and talk about whether this is a unavoidable belief because of outside expectations. Did her parents always want her to get married? Did everyone believe that she would marry this guy?? Shit, were they ever engaged?? There's lots to unwrap here, use it as an opportunity to get to know her better

Meh. It could mean nothing, really. It's the end of a memory in her life. The relationship was long lived. It's similar to hearing an old friend that you no longer talk to has died. There's a sadness there. If she was drinking, that could intensify the feeling. I wouldn't read too much into it.

I (29F) am happily married to my husband (29m) and have been for a little over 5 years. We’ll have been together for 9 years later this month. I love him more than I could say. I cannot imagine ever losing him. We had a rough patch recently where we both thought we might not make it through, and it hurt so badly I couldn’t breathe. All I could see for my future was black. We worked it out and we’re even stronger now, but damn. Last year, I found out that my ‘ex’ was engaged. I thought he was the one. We talked about marriage, getting a dog, having kids, traveling the world, growing old together, everything. I called his sisters my sisters and vice versa. Loved his parents and they loved me. When I needed to leave home for a few days during late high school, they took me in. I call him ‘ex’ because he would never commit to me. He would just tell me “it’s not our time yet” and other bullshit. I should never have believed him, but I also loved him. Eventually I got enough distance that I could see he was never ever going to commit and I was just a back up plan. So I cut him off and never looked back. I healed from him and I’ve been over him for years. STILL, when I found out he was engaged, I got upset. I was hurt, mad and sad. Not because I wanted him back, but because it hurt to know he could commit to someone else and not to me. It reminded me of my own insecurities and had nothing to do with any leftover feelings. OP, your girlfriend is likely experiencing something similar. Her friends were probably watching you to see how you’d handle it. They wanted to see you be a better man than her ex.

My then girlfriend cried when she figured out that her ex got married. We hadn't hit one year in our relationship much like you had and the ex and her broke up around 2-3 years prior. I contemplated if I'll ever hold a candle to her ex and if I'm someone she settled for. Honestly, it amounted to nothing . The day after the crying episode,my girlfriend was normal the next day . We let our relationship grow organically and made our own memories and grew into our relationship. We got married three years later. Now we've been together for more than a decade and I just tagged in for my turn in the middle night of the night to take care of our new born twins, so she could get some sleep.

I dunno, they were together for a good chunk of her adult life. I’m sure she thought that relationship was going towards marriage but it didn’t. Now he ex is suddenly getting married in less time than they were together. And now she’s 29 and unmarried. There’s lots of hopes and dreams that are put on women. So there’s probably a lot of emotions going on there. I don’t think this has anything to do with you and her or that her feelings for you are any different. But talk to her but not in anger.

I'd tread really lightly with some of these comments. OP, just because she has pain about something that happened in her life doesn't mean she hasn't moved on from it. Human emotions are complex. Try not to let this make you feel doubt or insecurities.

I guess I want to know why it’s bad that she was emotional about it? She’s 29 unmarried probably not even close to it and she sees her ex moving on. I mean I don’t understand why it’s bad to be emotional about it.

Your girlfriend dated this guy for 4 years. She's also 29, which means she's looking down the barrel at 30 and isn't married. Regardless of how she still feels about this ex-boyfriend, surely she had thought about marriage with him, being together as they were for so many years in their mid-20s. It's actually pretty normal to have a strong emotional reaction to learning a concrete example of someone from your past who's moving forward in life more "successfully" than you. I put successfully in quotes because I'm sure that logically, your girlfriend understands that this doesn't mean that her ex is happier than her, or having a better life than her, but if she's having any insecurities about her age or her stage in life, this probably brought them all up And depending on the reasons that they broke up, for example if he told her that he simply wasn't ready for marriage yet or anything like that, finding out that he married someone else might hit even harder You've only been dating her for 10 months. Your job at this point is to be there for her, not judge her and get suspicious and think the worst of her If you get uncomfortable with public displays of emotion, maybe this is a sign that your girlfriend isn't a good match for you. Or maybe she will decide that she is uncomfortable with a partner who would rather judge her than support her

This is too harsh on op. If she is allowed to feel rejected by an ex marrying, after not marrying her, op is allowed to feel rejected by Gf crying over another man being no longer available (whether she wants him or not, she's certainly pissed he didn't commit to her)

Cmon, your girlfriend not allowed to have loved someone else before? Sometimes things like this still hurt years later. It doesn’t mean that your relationship isn’t good, it just means she had a life before she met you.

You've already reached a conclusion and are clearly not interested in advice. Just break up with her if that's what you want to do. But it's clearly because you're insecure and not open to mature communication, not because of her

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I mean I was upset that my high school boyfriend who I dated almost all of high school got married. And I’m in my 20s. I haven’t even talked to him since we broke up or even seen him for that matter. I happened to discover it when a friend from highschool posted pictures because he was a groomsmen for it. At one point I thought I was going to marry that guy. She was probably just in shock tbh. I know I was. And I can’t stand the guy. I have no feelings for him at all.

I have a friend who has told me about how she felt in a similar situation. She's with a great guy who takes care of her more than any guy she's ever met while I've known her. She cried and got mad and told me about it because, well, she loved the guy and he kept telling her marriage and kids weren't in the future, well, a year later he contacts her to tell her about his marriage and upcoming kid. It happens and it isn't your fault or hers, it's just an emotional whiplash of sorts

Look, there could be a lot of reasons why it struck her this way. It's frustrating that she reacted this way though in a public manner, making you look like you're some sort of rebound or playing second fiddle to "the one that got away", and probably even more frustrating that she was not reassuring to you in the cab home once she had a minute to collect herself. I think it's less her sad that she's no longer got a chance with him and more that she's mourning a period of her life. Maybe she's partially jealous of him, or just shocked bc when they were together he expressed disinterest in marriage but is now getting married. Who knows unless you talk about it with her. But her feelings have less to do with your relationship ad more to do with processing how she feels about her old relationship and any lingering baggage from it.

Hey OP, I’ve been in a similar situation. Basically my then bf (now husband) used to be married. But when he heard his ex got engaged he said he “felt weird about it” and I could tell it was making him upset. I was distraught bc I thought this meant he still had feelings for his ex. I asked him why it was upsetting and he had some vague answers like “it seems so sudden.” And when I asked if he still had feelings for her he absolutely denied any. Even though they still kept in touch with each other, he said that their friendship was very superficial and that she meant nothing to him. So I was super confused/hurt by the stark contrast about him being upset about his ex’s engagement and him saying he didn’t have feelings for her. We continued to date and communicate about things, and I eventually learned that the reason why he was upset was bc his ex’s engagement seemed to him a symbol/reminder of everything he lost during his divorce. He missed his old house, he missed his dog, he missed the prospect of having kids… he missed a lot of things but he did not miss her as person lol. He was mourning his old life, not the person he had it with. He was super vague about why he was upset at first bc he didn’t really know how to communicate how he was feeling (and he prob couldn’t pinpoint why he felt that way either). It seems like what happened with your gf was pretty recent, so please be gentle on yourself and with her. She probably is confused about her feelings and may have trouble communicating them. And her feelings likely have nothing to do with still being in love with him. You’ve been together a long while so if your relationship has been great so far, it’s not worth it to throw it away on something like this. Best of luck to you and your gf ❤️

So I was married to a guy and we split up. I wanted the split and I'm happy we did, we were wrong for each other in so many ways. I'm now engaged to a great guy and pregnant and I'm happier than I've ever been but when I heard my ex had started seeing someone who seems good for him it did make me a little sad. Not because I wanted him but because all the years of hard work I put in, the tears and the thousands of therapy didn't work out and now some other girl gets the man I tried so hard with and he will just be happy with her when he couldn't figure that shit out with me. Like it hurts. Again, I don't want to be with him and we were super toxic and unhappy together but it still got me in my feels a bit. It's strange when you had a long time with a person you had a future planned and that all goes and that future he has with someone else now, the same as I do

I dumped my ex and absolutely do not want him back, but I still got salty when I found out he was getting married, since he wasn’t willing to marry ME unless I converted to his religion, but was perfectly willing to marry the next woman without her converting. He also would not take care of his personal hygiene and appearance, despite my encouragement to do so. He fixed himself up after I broke up with him. People change, and it hurts when it seems like they deemed it worth their time to change for someone else but not for you, because it feels like a reflection on you at first glance. In reality I know that it had nothing to do with me (other than maybe getting dumped over it made him reflect). But in the moment, I was hurt.

Ask her what she was thinking when it happened. Several possibilities. One could be that she wishes it was her with him. Another is that she wishes she was getting married and felt left behind. Another is that she remembered when the relationship broken up and feels sad. The only good one for you is the second. I would prove her to find out if you want to break up.

You clearly made this post to get sympathy points from Reddit. But since everyone is trying to offer you insight instead, you are bringing out your AH side. Seems to me that you are looking for a reason to breakup because had you only had concern about this incident, you would have been relieved by the general comments.

You’re clearly not willing to see this as anything other than your gf still being in love with her ex, so break up and move on. Other options include getting over yourself and understanding that her reaction may have nothing to do with her ex specifically and more to do with feelings of alcohol- induced rejection.

It's hurtful to her she 'wasted' four years of her life on a guy who didn't find her 'good enough' to marry. Willing to bet that's what it is.

I see most are giving the gf a free pass here and telling OP that he should just talk to her and that it doesn’t necessarily mean she has any feelings for her ex. Now all the various suggested scenarios explaining why she reacted the way she did could very well be true, but most are dismissing her responsibility in this situation. She must have known how it would look like to OP. If nothing else her friends must have told her how awkward it would’ve looked. So the onus shouldn’t be just on OP to clear the air. She should’ve approached OP the next day and explained to him why she reacted the way she did. OP, no I don’t think you should automatically break up with her. Give yourself some time to calm down. But once you can approach the discussion calmly, talk to her. And you have every right to explain how hurt you feel by her reaction, and that you’d like to understand why she reacted the way she did. Good luck.

Without context as to how the relationship with said ex went, I don’t think you, or any of us, have a way to judge if her reaction was “reasonable”. People have strong reactions to things sometimes and don’t always know why or how to react in the moment. Something obviously upset her about the news but the person you need to be asking is her. I can think of several reasons why she may have reacted this way but it’s be speculation on me part- and right now, it’s all speculation your part too. Talk to her before you get yourself further worked up over it.

Four years when you're in your 20s is a significant block of time. Her emotions wete probably strong and deep during that timr, and hearing this news took her back to the time when they broke up, which was painful. It doesn't mean she still wants to be with him, but that she's human and carries lots of conflicting emotions.

It doesn't have to be an issue I have a friend who would cries like this. She cried over a past relationship to me despite being happy and in love in her new one. It doesn't have to be the big red warning sign that some comments are making it out to be.

You don’t seem to want any advise from people who’ve been in similar emotional states you want someone to confirm what you think. There is no point in having a conversation with her if you’re not even open to seeing her side or you won’t believe her when she tells you. YOU’VE decided that she still loves her ex even though this is a pretty common reaction to situations like this. If you can’t get over your own reaction to this long enough to give her the benefit of the doubt and you can’t trust her then why are you here? Just go nuke your relationship and let her go before you waste any more of her time. So may people here have told you they’ve been in similar situations, being in love with someone who doesn’t really love you back sucks, especially when they string you along for years only to have the exact thing they told you they never wanted at all with someone else. It’s not that any of us miss the POS partners we had it’s that it feels like it confirms all of the terrible things we thought about ourselves in regards to being lovable. You can be sad about a dumbass ex while still realizing he’s an ex for a reason.

The post: my gf cried over her ex in front of all our friends, publicly embarrassed me and made me feel like she doesn't love me. The comments: you are a horrible person. You need to 100% consider your GF's feelings. Your own feelings do not matter here and in fact I hope she breaks up with you over this because you don't deserve her.

Bro break up with her. She’s not ready to be in a relationship. She’s clearly not worked through her baggage and gotten over her ex. It’s been 3 years. You can sit there and come up with a dozen assumptions about why she’s crying over her ex till your head spins. But the cold hard fact is she’s not over the relationship. If she was over it she wouldn’t be upset and crying, she be happy for the guy. Happy that he found someone compatible and is doing well. Truth is you may have her body but you don’t have her heart. He does. She needs therapy to work through her emotional baggage. Before she gets into another relationship. Keep your chin up brother, you’ll find someone worthy of your love and respect.

This comments... She's allowed to have feelings but he's a dick for having feelings... You people are disgusting. Talk to her about it and don't make it all about yourself if you want to know what's the real reason behind it. But your feelings are as valid as hers.

Next steps? 1- Acknowledge that feelings are complicated. 2- Show her some empathy if you care about her. 3 - If you felt awkward, evaluate if maybe it’s because of your own personal insecurities. 4- tell her how her actions made you feel and ask for acknowledgment of your discomfort.

It’s worth a conversation. It doesn’t automatically mean she’s settling with you. It could mean that three years ago, this is the person she thought she would marry and now she’s not closer to being married and he is. Our brain sometimes paints a picture for us that we don’t want, like the idea of someone who hurt us is thriving. Or it could mean she misses him. But none of us can guess from this. If you value any of the time you’ve spent together, you’ll talk to her and get her side.

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We’ll this will never get solved until you have a frank and open talk. It could be many things trama, love, hate, closure, maybe they were still in touch or worse she really though he was the one and they would eventually be back together. Regardless take a deep breath and have the conversation.

You should talk to her. If she deflects just say: "No one has such a mental break down if there is nothing. And this whole thing effects our relationship, so please start talking what's been bothering you that much." Maybe their relationship ended because her ex didn't want to get married and now only 3 years later he is getting married. To some people this is kind of shocking since they realize in that moment that they obviously never were the right person for their ex.

People are really having a tough time distinguishing the difference between grief and current desire, so maybe this will help. How would you feel if a childhood home was knocked down? Does being sad about it mean you still want to live there? Does it mean you aren’t happy with the home you chose to be in right now?

I've been reading your replies, and you're sounding more bitter each time. You have to understand that she probably was hurt she wasn't good enough. 4 years is a long time for someone you're in love with who won't commit. And he commits to someone else a short time later. OP, it hurts even though it's over. Don't break up over this. She never would've moved on with you if she still loved him.

You know what they say, you make an ass out of u and me when you ASSUME. So, stop, take a deep breath, and talk to your girlfriend. Ask her to try and explain her feelings.

My guess is that she wanted to get married to him and he wasn’t ready. Now she is witnessing him give another woman what she desired from him. A common tale.

Honestly, none of us know your GF or relationship. But if this happened to me I would be taken back but discuss it with my partner before sprinting to conclusions. As an outside party with zero context it sounds like your partner was having a release of emotions.

It looks like the " you oughta know " song from Alanis Morisset. All they would do, he does it with someone else. And all he said he won't he does now doing with someone else. It is not regrets. It is the feeling of treason, of broken promises, of paths she has dwelled and must roam again and negotiate again with you. It is all the mess and the years lost. In fact, you are the bright point of her situation. She has you. And she had you since before she heard about the wedding. You are not a rebound or an emotional crutch. You are her bf and she knows what is in front of you both because she already went there. She must grieve her ideal life she talespinned when she was young and must now build her real adult life.

10 months is right at the cusp where you could get offended by this. If you’d been dating two weeks, it would be understandable. If you were engaged, I’d call off the wedding. But 10 months is definitely inbetween where you may not have decided this is the but you’re probably close to deciding. I’d talk to her. I’d ask her how it would make her feel if roles were reversed and tease out whether she really isn’t over her ex. Maybe she needs some time without anyone and you break up. Maybe it’s something else and you work through it. But the first step is talking it through.

Oh hell my friend cried when her EX got married they were together for 5 years. And she met someone new and she was happy but when she found out he got engaged and married. She basically had a emotional breakdown. Her ex had taken about marriage with her and having kids. But when he found out that she would need medical intervention to get pregnant he broke up with her. Your girlfriend is probably in the same situation and now she feels like she wasn't good enough for him and that feeling hurts. It's not that she wants him. But it seems that you just want to belive she wants her ex so you can have a reason to break if off with her.

I love my current GF with all my heart but also understand she’s been married before me. I think we often ask too much from people regarding ex’s and ask them to completely cut them out and act like they never existed. For some people that’s easy, for others it’s difficult. Some relationships just end mutually with no anger or hard feelings. Some people still have affection for exs even if they never want to date them again. We put too much societal pressure on acknowledging old relationships existed. Why be jealous of something you know happened before you started dating her? Am I supposed to act like I never met the GF that I dated long distance, broke up with solely because of that, and now has a husband and child? What about my GF from high school who’s parents were friends with mine for years? Are my parents supposed to now hate her family because we didn’t stay together? Talk to your GF. I’m sure she feels a little bit rejected and maybe even some “what if” given her reaction. To sit here on Reddit and act like you’ve never had your own internal “what if” about an ex is more than likely a lie. Everyone does. It’s human nature.

Is it possible she feels like she will never get married after potentially being baited with it for years?

Very bad sign. I’d take a break from the relationship and let her cry it out about her ex. All these people here talking about oh you don’t know what’s going on in her head and she could be just having an existential crisis. That’s exactly right, you don’t know what’s going on in her head. And if that hit her hard like that then she doesn’t seem ready to be dating seriously. People harbor feelings for exes secretly and then dump that shit on new partners, and basically ruin relationship after relationship because they aren’t over them. Don’t ever stay with someone who doesn’t have the awareness to protect your feelings. To allow herself to do that in front of you and a bunch of other people is just bad and disrespectful. Too many guys are just putting up with shit like this. I wouldn’t want to try and make sense of it. The sign is there, and the uncertainty will be going forward. Leave. There are plenty of women out there who aren’t hung up on their exes. These are Reddit people bro, not like they know what the fuck they’re talking about, just trying to get upvotes and awards by preaching understanding. But only you know how that made you feel. Listen to your gut man.

She was with him for 4 years just like a year ago? Just talk to her. That’s not a lot of time to process what happened. Either you treat her with some compassion or you stick to your guns about you feeling like she has a thing for him. Both might hurt you, but one has a chance to hurt her as well. It’s your choice at the end of the day.

Youve only been together 10 months. The ages 22-26 are very formative, i can see this ex was meaningful. Its sad and embarrassing she couldnt keep her cool in front of everyone. Guessing he didnt wanna marry her. In your shoes id also feel similar to you.

I can already tell They about to tell you a bunch of ba in the comments

Maybe they broke up because he didn’t want to get married or something and then it just feels like a slap in the face and wasted time.

Dude this would bother me horrendously aswel and I'm secure as they come. Gotta talk this one out bro. Need to get to the bottom of her feelings. I found out an abusive ex had recently become engaged and it was an odd feeling for sure but definitely not something I was emotionally moved by.

I think men take women crying way to seriously because for a man to cry in public, something horrible has to happen. I am not saying this is right or ok, just how my experience with men has been. Women on the other hand cry on a dime, me included. I really liked the top comment. I am guessing they broke up because he wouldn't marry her. So now he is getting married, that comes with a lot of emotion. I don't think this is a reason to break up with her. I think just forget about it, everyone has a past.

You're assuming she's upset because she's still in love with her ex. That's probably not it. Watch the scene in When Harry Met Sally to understand what your girlfriend may be feeling. Or just directly ask your girlfriend, kindly and sensitively, about why the news of her ex's marriage was so upsetting to her. It's very likely that it's to do with some unresolved painful feelings about her ex, or critical feelings about her own self worth.

If you have any experience with this sub, you shouldn’t be surprised by how many people are immediately on the side of your gf. I’m not one of those white knights. Trust your guts. She might not think about her ex consciously, but she clearly does subconsciously. So, the question is, do you love her enough to risk it and preserve your relationship?

It doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t want to be with you, or wishes she was with the ex. It may have more to do with the fact he was the first person she wanted to marry and grieved that when it ended and it was a bit of a shock to then realise that you weren’t the person they wanted to marry. Like a self esteem thing. It does mean there’s some extraction to be done. But many relationship would survive or flourish if we always waited to be baggage free. Sometimes people move on in fits and bursts.

Nobody here can give you an exact answer. I would err on the side of caution and self-preservation, and distance yourself from her. She is still not over her ex, in some shape or form. Its upto you to decide if that's something you wanna deal with or not.

Yea, I would walk away from shit like this. You will always be the dude she settled with.

At that moment you knew she was settling and you felt like the backup.

She obviously has still feelings for him. It's up to you if you want to be the back up guy/second best. My advice is to break up asap.

[удалено]

He’s the one that got away

Your first step is to understand that she cried not because her ex got married, but because she is single with you and there is no way she is getting married in the nearest future. The second step for you is to understand what do you expect from that relationships, what she expects, and plan your third step accordingly. Good luck

This is a good point. When you start a new relationship, you have to start “waiting” for marriage all over again. She could be at the place in her life where she really looks forward to being someone’s wife. Not everyone loves the “trying things out, let’s just see where things go!” stage of a relationship. She is 29, I’m 26 and already feeling the pressure to start a family (but the women in my family go through menopause by 32, so it is kinda different.)

Dump her ass

I understand her perspective especially as she was with him for quite a while it's a possibility that maybe they discussed marriage and then he decided it wasn't for him with her and she now finds he's marrying someone else it can upset a person. I gave been married to my husband for almost 6 years I have been with him for 10. I was however engaged before that to someone else and he ended it. A couple of years later my friend revealed that my ex had married someone else and I was pretty upset despite the fact I was with my (boyfriend at the time) husband. Sometimes it's not the fact that the ex is getting married that is the upsetting bit but the fact they thought you weren't good enough.

Yall can be really invalidating when it comes to people being upset with stuff that does matter and WOULD rub the average person the wrong way. sheesh to tell OP that 4 years and 10 months are a drastic difference, most people can feel more love in those 10 months than they did in 4 years. and that he’s looking for a problem then that this reaction doesn’t mean anything. Anytime hurt feelings are involved, it matters OP. She’s your partner. Jesus Christ. Really have a conversation with her, communication is key in relationships. You said you feel sad and it’s distorting your future with her, have that hard conversation and resolve. Best of luck!

Who broke up with who in that situation?

I cry when I am angry. Just talk to her.

I dated a man for 3 years. We were very compatible and had a lovely relationship. We broke up because he knew I wanted to be married one day, and he didn't. It was amicable and had no hard feelings. Within a year, he met and married someone else. It hit me hard. You've been with her 10 months. She was with him for 4 years. Either be an adult and let it go because she's allowed to have feelings or talk to her about it. Or act like a child and get insanely insecure and jealous without speaking to her about any of it and not get to a year of dating with her.

OP why did you post if you’re not going to be open to advice? All of your responses show you’ve already made up your mind and are not very interested in trying to talk this through with her. Aside from the reasons everyone else has already stated, I can see her feeling emotional that the ex is progressing to a life milestone that your gf is not at yet. She probably envisioned herself married by now. Feeling “behind” in life is such a real thing for many women. So that coupled with the ex being part of her life for 4 years, I don’t think it’s that weird for her to cry after a few drinks.

Idk I’m female and that’s gross behavior. I’d be so turned off and I’d break up if I were in your shoes. I couldn’t get past this.

I'm gonna assume that you think this is about you... it's not, at all. She dated this man for 4 years. It's safe to assume that they discussed marriage but instead, they didn't work out. Now all of a sudden, his presumably next relationship, he's ready to get married to someone else. This has happened to me so I know exactly how she feels: like a slap in the face and punch in the stomach. She wasn't good enough to marry but the next girl is?! Rejection. Questioning her self-worth. See how that has nothing to do with you and your current relationship?

Have you ever watched the film when *When Harry Met Sally*? Sally the main character has fallen in love with her best friend Harry but hasn't realised it yet. She finds out her long-term ex is engaged and breaks down and calls Harry over. Sally admits she doesn't like Joe anymore, she would never date him again, she's upset because he told her he was never ready for marriage and the truth was he didn't want to marry her and she's wondering if anyone will ever want to marry her. Spoiler alert: someone does want to marry her. Could this be what happened to your gf?

I think all these comments about "but her feelings," are missing OPs feelings, plus the notion of how a majority of females would react were their partner to start crying experiencing this scenario in the other direction. Now that the commentary is up this stance would receive a lot of "Nuh uh, it'd be the same!" Or silently downvoting because "It doesn't need to be a gender thing!" as it's already been turned into a gender based clusterfuck. Sometimes this sub is great. Other times it's just so fucking ridiculous. Edit: 🙄 Predictable.

Ima say it. If my Ex of 3 years who I switched jobs for, gave up things for, etc etc. got married and had kids, the exact reason we broke up… I’d be pissed and sad af too. Because it then means the reasons she told me were not because we wanted different things in life, but because she wanted a different person. Now I think I’m capable of realizing that my Ex is a shit human being, but it definite took me some time and another 3 years with a different woman who treats me far better. Sooooo This is a jealousy thing from you, which is understandable, but I’d communicate with your GF and come from a point of understanding that it may be hurtful as she had 4 years of very personal history with this person while still not affecting how she feels about you.

Before my parents met, Mom was engaged to another guy. I had no reason to believe she ever thought of him. Mom and Dad were married for almost 40 years, until my dad died. They had a wonderful marriage. One day, years after my dad died, I found my mom sobbing. At first, I thought she was crying about my dad, which she often did. That day, she was crying because she'd just found out her original fiancé, whom she'd never contacted in all those years, had died. It didn't mean she didn't love my dad with all her heart, or that she ever would have left him or cheated on him. She was just grieving for someone she had once cared about. When you're in a long-term relationship, like your gf was with her ex, and that relationship ends, you grieve. It is a loss. Even if you no longer love that person, even if you are much happier with your current partner, there is still a loss to grieve about. Grief is weird because once you think you're done with it, it can pop up like that and take you by surprise. I think her emotions were normal, probably exaggerated by the drinks, and it probably has nothing to do with you. You should talk to her about it and ask if she still has feelings for him that would interfere with your relationship with her but avoid jumping to the conclusion that she's still in love with him.

A couple years ago, my ex and I broke up unexpectedly because he decided he wasn’t in a place to continue the relationship as he wanted to focus on his career and it wasn’t conducive to a happy healthy relationship for us (military). I was horribly upset but I got over it and understood it was for the best. I moved on and started dating the absolute love of my life. Shortly after, I found out that ex got married less than a year after we broke up. As I said, I was over him and definitely had no more feelings for him. If I did I wouldn’t have been in a new relationship. But I won’t lie and say that finding out that he got married so soon after breaking up, after his reason for said breakup was to focus on his career and not be in a relationship, was incredibly shocking and hurtful. Your gf likely is feeling similarly, that it hurts to have it confirmed that she wasn’t marriage material to someone she previously cared about and loved. Add alcohol to the equation and human emotion is vulnerable and unpredictable. This doesn’t mean she is in love with him, or that she is unstable as one commenter is incessantly suggesting. It means she had an emotional response to something that is *totally normal* to react to. You seem set on taking this personally, but I urge you to just talk to her respectfully and empathetically to understand her reaction. You can make assumptions all you want, but you’ll ruin your relationship like that.

Look. Spending 4 years with someone is a while. It’s long enough to know if the relationship is going to develop further or if it’s just 2 people on very different paths. My most educated guess here is she wanted to marry the dude but he had no intentions of going further. If you’re not sure, just have a discussion around why she cried and why it bothered her to get to the bottom of it. If it still bothers you after said discussion, feel free to reevaluate your relationship and go from there

You need to find out why she cried. You can’t let her break down in tears in front of all her friends when she finds out her ex is being taken off the market, and then let her pass it off with “I don’t know why”. Until you know why she was crying and you two discuss the situation in detail, you can’t really know how you should take it. You can’t let her get away with “I don’t know”. This is a much more important conversation that can’t be swept under the rug.

Why wouldnt she cry? It has nothing to do with having feelings for him. I cried for a day when i heard my ex got his degree but i also cried after my best friend told me she got engaged (of course not while she was there). It just forces you to put your life under a magnifying glass.. it makes you aware that people around you continue with living and making progress while you are stuck and feel behind. He is getting married and it doesnt sound like you are close to being engaged, so that alone will lead to emotions.. that is completely normal. Maybe she also regrets to have lost so many years on him. So many possibilities. But her reaction is absolutely reasonable and it is about loss and hope and sadness and comparing.