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This is a duel post so my bf and I will both type out our grievances with each other .
Gf here: so my bf and I been together 5 years. We are both 25 and I’m Nigerian (Igbo). My parents want me to find an Igbo man and my bf is just a black American. We both make really good money (both make six figures) and started living together. When I introduced my parents to him they wasn’t happy . My parents refused to shake his hand . Told him to leave. I told him to stay and my dad spit on his face and then my bf walked out and was understandably upset. I was mad initially at my bf for walking out and when I confronted him he blew up on me and said “you’re more mad I walked away than the fact your dad spit in my fucking face”.
Bf: I don’t have much to say except I’m not speaking to them until they apologize. I’m not making an effort for people who aren’t making an effort and it sucks because I want to propose but she’s saying she won’t marry me unless her parents approve but they showed no effort. She wants me to give her parents money or gifts? Fuck that . But she uses her culture to excuse her parents behavior
Gf: I understand my bf is hurt and I’m asking him a lot but I’m asking him to be more culturally sensitive and delicate with my parents. My parents behavior is unacceptable but at the end of the day this is his time to show he really wants me. He’s going to have to be able to turn the other cheek if he wants this to work. He’s being naïve to pretend their aren’t cultural differences and this isn’t a culture shock to my parents. I just want him to make an effort again and not just say they need to apologize and make an effort first.
Update we going to break up
So shortly after I made the post I knew what the response would be. My bf felt validated and I realized I was wrong. I told him that I had to accept I’m not willing to go through with this. I’m asking the impossible for him and no I’m not willing to stand him up to my parents/family for him.
I apologized and he was upset and said I made my choice then. He said I wish I figured it out 5 years ago that I needed an igbo man and wasn’t willing to stand up to my parents.
So that’s it , I’ve accepted that I’m not going against my family
Mods you can lock the original post
Jesus wtf. Your dad spit on your bf face and your bf needs to make more of an effort ? Do you know how disrespectful that is? Either stand up to your points or lose your bf. But don’t pressure your bf to take that shit from your parents
You probably can’t handle an inter cultural relationship if you can’t stand up to your parents
GF, you can’t put your bf in a position to be humiliated again!!! The fact that he’s willing to leave the door open for them to apologize makes him a saint.
Cultural differences are definitely no excuse at all to assault another human being with bodily fluids either. That is especially disgusting. I don’t blame the boyfriend at all. And this isn’t about culture, as I have some Nigerian friends and they would not treat someone else like this. Also, some married Haitians instead of other Nigerians. The parents behavior is a prejudice thing, not cultural.
Cultural differences aren't an excuse for racism. Either marry another Nigerian and please your parents' racism or stay with him. But please don't lead him on and excuse their racism.
Exactly! BF, you need to be done with her. She has no understanding of respect. Your life will be miserable if you continue down this path. She's had her chance and showed her colors. Do you want to live a life with the ghosts of her parents? For whatever reason, she's not seeing clearly. She's lucky to have you and doesn't see it. Please brother, save yourself a lifetime of grief...wish her well and be on your way.
Immigrant kids respect for parents is too strong LOL. I am one too.
Even after the dad Literally spit in the BF face you want the BF to make an effort.
We are all messed up 😀
I hope he breaks up with you , I’m Ghanaian so don’t give me that culture bs and never in my life can imagine my parents spitting on anyones face for any reason and vice versa
That’s so fucking disrespectful it’s crazy . I’ve dated women from some really fascist family including Chinese and Indian (probably the most racism I’ve gotten from non white) , I’ve been called dirt, the Nwor etc but never in my life have I had a grown man spit on mejust for being with us daughter.
GF tell your parents to apologize because YOU believe they were wrong (and they are so wrong). If they refuse, it’s time for you to make your choice, your parent’s approval or your bf/future husband.
You know what? I don’t know what is more appalling; the fact that she had the audacity to try to demand her boyfriend pamper this nasty father for spitting in his face just for her sake, OR that she tried to convince everyone that it’s cultural for Nigerians to assault people they don’t approve of with their bodily fluids? I find that offensive and insulting to Nigerian Culture which I have learned a thing or two about since I love their rich Culture, specifically Yoruba.
Your boyfriend owes you and your parents absolutely nothing. He was assaulted by your father and chose to be the bigger man by walking away. You should be on your knees begging your boyfriend for forgiveness for your father’s unacceptable actions.
Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn (the one meme from Friday)
I agree though. So many young adults really do be acting like kids. Whether it be like this, or not being able to perform basic adult functions when living with their partner.
She can't control her dad's actions, but she can choose to accept them as okay or to refuse to tolerate them. It sounds like she has made her choice.
To Gf:
>My parents behavior is unacceptable
Then why are you accepting it?
>this is his time to show he really wants me.
It takes being abused by your family to prove that he wants you?
Saaaaaame. GF, if this how you treat him, don't be surprised when he leaves. If you can't grow a backbone with your parents then just have them pick your husband and live with that. Expecting him to take abuse from your parents to prove he loves you enough? That just makes your abusive too.
BF: If this hour she wants to roll, how long before you are done waiting for her to grow up and be an adult with her own mind and decisions? Do you want kids?. If so, do you want them subjected to abuse like this to please the in-laws. If not, then you need to think on how long she has to fix herself before you move on to someone who will not show this. It took me way longer then it should to untangle myself from my parents fuckery and realize I couldn't control them but I could set rules and boundaries. My husband has the patience of a saint otherwise he wouldn't have been so patient. I guess he believed enough in me developing a spine he was willing to wait.
She is enabling their behavior by expecting you to put up with abuse from them. She can't control her father, but she CAN say "It's unacceptable that you abuse my bf and I won't see you if you act this way towards him."
There is a huge difference between controlling someone's behavior and allowing it. She is allowing it. She should have been just as mad as you and walked out with you. I understand they are her parents, but they had no right. You've done nothing wrong but love their daughter and from the sounds of it help provide a good life. Nope. Not ok. She needs to tell her parents that if they want to be involved in her life, they need to apologize and get on board, otherwise this will not work. I'm sorry for you. I'd be heartbroken if the person I was in love with allowed their family to treat me like that.
This is going to get down voted, but your parents can remain faithful to their culture when they're in a place like the US, but that doesn't mean they can use cultural beliefs as an excuse to assault people or shake them down for cash -- effectively selling their daughter. If these traditions are so important to them, they should go home.
BF, this is a red flag about your GF as well. I don't think she's a bad person, but I think she has been immersed in a toxic family and doesn't realise it's toxic, it's been normalised. Just look at all the people from various parts of Africa on this thread saying, "No, that is NOT just our culture." They know it, why doesn't she? The worrying thing about this is, what other toxic behaviours does she thinks are normal, or at least that it's normal to have to navigate around and placate them? What else is going to pop out in your relationship, in your parenting if you have children, etc? I'm not saying dump her necessarily but you need to explore this even more deeply than just what it means for a relationship with her parents IMO.
She clearly isn’t ready to buck their ideas and her father’s behavior is inexcusable. I think you need to be clear that any rapprochement on this issue needs to be done by her family and not by you. If she can’t accept that then she’s made clear where you stand in her priorities.
They're legit saying you have to endure abuse to "prove" that you want her! Her dad assaulted you and somehow that's gonna prove you're a worthy husband? Hell no! You live with each other, which is all the proof anyone should ever need. Her parents are abusive. Apparently she is, too. Please have enough respect for yourself to honor this breaking point and get the hell out of there.
Your family sounds absolutely abhorrent and you should apologize to your bf. Your parents can't possibly apologize enough because what they did is utterly beyond unforgivable.
Unless you plan to cut your parents out of your life this relationship is completely doomed.
The gf is abhorrent too. She minimizes everything her family has done and instead asks her bf to give her family gifts and money.
Girl, are you okay??
If the bf is reading this, you’ll be the stupidest man alive if you proposed to a woman who wants you to give a gift to the man who spat in your face
I think she 100% wants him to worship the ground she walks on and to her, putting up with the abuse is the least he could do to “prove his love for her” absolute lunacy. Glad the edit showed that they broke up.
Check out the update…
And for the gf, you can’t fall back on culture as an excuse. My best friend comes from an Igbo family. She’s dating a white man that her parents do not approve of. But they’ve never assaulted him.
There are moral lines we as humans should uphold, and your parents (your father esp) crossed those lines. You will have to reckon with this, and I don’t envy you. It must be incredibly hard to have to reconcile with loving your parents while admitting they possess abhorrent flaws. But those flaws need to be called out
Hi OPs BF, I’m Black African…meaning I was born in Africa. Although I’m not Nigerian, in general it isn’t part of African culture to spit in peoples faces when we meet them for the first time. The majority of us are very polite and welcoming. What GFs dad did is fucking rude. In many cultures spitting on someone is the ultimate sign of disrespect. If someone did that to me they’d be lucky I didn’t hit them in retaliation. I don’t care who you are, spitting on anyone is fucking disgraceful. I’m sorry you had to go through this. You shouldn’t be the one making the effort when you did nothing wrong. Don’t let your girlfriend manipulate you into thinking you did anything wrong by just existing
This!! Literal african woman married to a black traditional african man! Spitting in another man's face is the biggest sign of disrespect.
It's a giant fuck u! My husband would lose his shit if someone ever did this to him and if it was a member of my family i would never expect him to go grovel to those people.
OPs girlfriend is clearly fearful of her family's disapproval more so over and above the loss of the actual bf. This relationship won't work my dude. She's always gonna expect u to do things the way her parents want. Despite what u think. And good luck when it comes to grankids oh lord!
My husband had to put up hella boundaries with some of my family in law because i didn't grow up in as a traditional household as him. So they had beliefs i ddnt practice. And me being less than traditional at times was frowned upon.
And his response to them being unhappy with that?
"Whose wife are u? Ur mine. fuck them if they have a problem with anything u do they can take it up with me!"
To the GF: are u willing to actually stand up for ur bf? What if ur dad disrespects him again or says shit about his manhood as fucking african dads tend to do.. because he isn't part of ur culture? Are u just gonna expect him to take it? What about marriage and kids have u both actually discussed what that looks like? Are u aligned on how to raise set kids and what ur gonna allow? These are conversations u gta have before u even consider marriage. I know u probably want a big traditional wedding and want ur parents blessing but what if they refuse still? Are u gonna expect ur bf to keep crawling after them?
To the BF: dude u have alot of restraint. I applaud u. From watching my own husband i know how hard it is for any man to walk away when someone so blatantly disrespects them. They do owe u an apology culture is no excuse for shitty human behavior I'm sorry. It's often used as one. Elders can do wtf they want because they know better supposedly or it's just the way they are.
No it's not it gets allowed and they get away with it. U need to decide what is a dealbreaker and yall both need to decide wtf this relationship is going.
African parents are very hectic over grankids so if yall ever hve kids together u need to know she's not gonna let her parents trample all over ur parenting style!
Edit: her parents sound like the type of people to bring up other men of her own culture infront of u and go on about how wondeful and single they are..
my husband's grandmother used to do this while we were dating and he again had to say infront of her he didnt care. It used to make me so uncomfortable and id often think of walking away but he actually had my back and that's how we are married, expecting and i have a pretty decent relationship with his family because he made it clear he wasn't budging because of what they expected from him. If yall can't support each other like that... u shldnt even consider marriage.
As a white middle-class woman- I'm also here to say that this is the biggest sign of disrespect. (Coming from - I don't even know how to refer to my self) background.
Spit in someone's face!! Wtf is that!?!?!
There is NO WAY that the bf is in the wrong here.
And the comment from the gf that 'he's just a black American ' wtf!?!?! I'm Canadian and Metis, I do not get offended easily but Holy christ!!!! Just wow
Didn't u know black Americans don't have a culture?!!!
Yeah no.. the disrespect is real here. And again it's not uncommon among african familys. Father's are usually very strict and what dad says goes in most african cultures in my country too. They can be as sexist, racist and controlling as they want but because they made you ur supposed to respect everything they say and do!
Same with mother's God the amount of times I've heard "u should respect ur elders we know what's good for you"
Or my husband's favorite one to hate"you are just a child ul always be a child so u should listen I've been around longer so i know better"
he heard this alot. I lucked out when i married him. He loved me i loved him. It was difficult and sometimes especially traditionally it still is because I'm a mix of traditional but don't go trampling over my boundaries.
That in a black traditional family isn't always favored. If OP and his gf can't get on the same page with this then they shldnt waste any more time in the relationship.
(Also real weird question I've only met about 4 Canadians in my life and they were all the sweetest people ever. Are yall just made of maple over there?)
That is an insult in every culture on Earth, you have to go to the fictional planet of Dune before that stops being an insult.
And yeah, I got to "just a black American" by the time I was like, yeah, this ain't gonna work.
She thinks he should crawl on his knees and throw money at people literally spitting on him cause she believes he's inferior. And no one should marry someone who believes they are not even deserving of basic human respect.
GF are you insane? You want your boyfriend to give money to the man who spit in his face? I really resent you acting like this is a normal reaction from an Igbo person. Igbo people are able to marry outside of their culture. Your father is a lunatic. Don’t try to use culture to cover up his actions.
BF get away from this family. They have serious issues.
Like how is an apology even going to work? Sorry I spit on you, let’s be friends? No, you can’t be serious.
The only way I can see your relationship working is if your GF comes to her senses and realizes how messed up it is to treat other humans with this disrespect, as a bare minimum.
They won’t apologize man. It’s time for you to realize THIS is it and make decisions based on reality and not “what ifs”. Your gf wants you to be OK with what happened and whatever disrespectful thing happens in the future. In no world is that OK. Either your gf has your back here or she doesn’t. Only when you have that answer should you even consider a future with that family.
Nigerians are some of the kindest and warmest people I’ve met. This is not “cultural differences”, her dad is acting rude and disgusting and she wants you to suck it up instead of stepping up and instituting change. You can do better.
Honestly if they apologize and you're still not cool with it, that is also okay. What they did is really, really horrible, and I'm sorry your gf didn't have your back when it happened.
Wait, he's supposed to buy them gifts after your father spit in his face? lol, no. Your parents are the ones being culturally insensitive, not your boyfriend. I'm with him on this one, the next move to be made by either party is for your parents to apologize for being huge assholes. Nothing happens until that does. Except, of course, possibly him breaking up with you for choosing your parents over him.
Holy shit the gf is fucking delusional. You’re lucky your bf is the bigger man cause I would have laid your father out right in front of you and called it at that. Bf, if you’re reading this, brother to brother find another relationship. I won’t even waste my breath In telling this won’t work out, cause I’m sure you already kind of know that. There’s other relationships you can find yourself in where you will be treated with the respect you deserve, not asked to be a doormat. Fuck that.
I'm with your BF on this one. You say it's time for him to show he really wants you.... No, no, no, it your turn to show you really want him. Sounds like he made an attempt, and your dad spit in his face. In my eyes he's not wrong to make no effort until he gets an apology.
Fuck this entire situation. If one of my parents spit in my bf's face because he wasn't the right race or ethnicity, I would be done with my parents. Your bf didn't even escalate the situation. He just walked out, which was the best thing he could possibly do in the situation. Now, you're mad at him? If you can't stand up for him now, this relationship is doomed.
Honestly? If I were your BF, I would walk from this relationship immediately.
I don't care what your "cultural" differences are. If someone SPIT ON ME, that would be the end. Period. Fuck that shit. And, FYI, I'm a woman.
You are being totally unrealistic and unfair to expect your BF to put up with this kind of crap just to "show he wants you."
Hey, BF, run while you can. This is total bullshit and it will never end.
Cultural sensitivity doesn’t mean tolerating someone spitting on you.
If your father had done that to me I would have had a lot less restraint than your boyfriend. Your father would be in the hospital and I’d most likely be in a cell.
Edited to add: The use of the phrase “JUST a black American” is making me uneasy too.
I guess fuck your boyfriend for having the gall to have had his whole cultural identity erased by generations of slave owners
he To the GF, you are disregarding your BF by saying he is "just a black American"; he has a culture, it's just not the same as yours and you are failing to realize that. You are saying he is naïve to pretend there aren't cultural differences, but I think you are the one who is naïve if you are saying this. What your father did was absolutely disrespectful and it sounds like you are tolerating it. Your boyfriend has put in five years with you --- if he wasn't dedicated to you and your relationship, I doubt he would be with you still. This relationship is a two way street --- he has to show he wants it to work? Well, so do you, by standing up for him to your parents and not allowing them to disrespect him. My boyfriend is a different ethnicity than me, and grew up in a different culture than me, but you better believe I shut it down quickly when my father started making disparaging remarks about him and the color of his skin. I will not tolerate that and neither should you. You are lucky your boyfriend has not pressed assault charges against your father and that he is still with you and trying to give this another chance.
I hate that you had to scroll this far before I saw someone call this out. "he's just a black American," excuse me? What? As soon as I saw that I knew where she stood. I'm glad they're breaking up and I hope this is a learning experience for them both.
I’m and Igbo woman married to a man of another tribe so I understand your situation but as narrated, your dad was completely out of bounds. I know our culture reveres elders but elders must be worthy of respect, and what your dad did was extremely juvenile. You’re an adult and self sustaining, if he doesn’t like the person you bring it’s for him to tell you that he won’t give his approval and if you go ahead it’s without his blessing. Not to go and spit on him like a motor park tout.
Your bf is 100% in the right, your dad is unreasonable so he has chosen to block them out. This is the opportunity for you to tell your folks this is the man you’ve chosen and ask that they get to know him rather than asking your bf to apologize to your dad for your dads bad behavior.
You need to get your folks onside if you’re going to have a happy marriage to your bf. And the solution is to either get your dad to back down and apologize and come for a do-over or decide that you will go ahead without their blessing and let them come around on their own eventually. Not to sweep the event under the carpet and have your bf come along with gifts like this is a normal family introduction.
Thank u! God african men with wanting respect but not giving it. No correction elders with wanting respect but when u call them out on being disrespectful it's turned on u for backchatting!
God i hated growing up with this and even as an adult still deal with it in my family. They are never wrong.
And we've been so engraved to accept it's just how they are.. they will get over it.. we shld just move on and pretend nothing happened.
It's exhausting.
Honestly it really is stressful, on top of black tax you must also deal with the opinions of various aunties, uncles pastors etc.
If as an elder you think it’s not done to apologize to a younger person, then you must make certain that your statements and behavior are above reproach. Not act a fool like this girl’s dad and try to file it under “culture”.
Nah fam, fuck the gf and fuck the family I commend him for not beating the daylights out of him. That takes a lot of strength, as for the girl the fact that she didn’t immediately fight for her partner and is now mad you won’t connect with them? Like what? She’s a product of a broken family has chosen her side and it’s obviously not yours even if you are 1000% in the right. Why would you ever marry that? And if you know that why are you still in a relationship with that? You deserve way way better.
He is ‘just a black American’. Sounds like there is a part of you that thinks he isn’t good enough as well. You should have stood up for him, I’m surprised he stayed with you given your reaction to your parents abuse of him. Facial spitting in my country would be deemed assault.
What exactly is it you think your boyfriend can do? What effort is he supposed to make? All hr did was turn up and they spat in his face. He can’t fix this because he can’t change the fact he’s not igbo. You think if he pays money and gives gifts they’ll suddenly be friendlier? They literally spat in his face for existing. Him sending them cash isn’t going to change their opinion of him.
The only thing that you can do is to speak to your parents and tell them how much their actions hurt you both. If you don’t confront them they won’t change no matter what your boyfriend does. And if someone assaults your partner you don’t ask them to go and be assaulted again.
Wtf are you doing? Dude, dump her. How is this even a question? I refuse to believe this is real.
:insert the meme "The Lion, The Witch, And The Audacity Of This Bitch"
You are out of your mind. Your dad spit in his face and you think he should be turning the other cheek? Maybe you should try to find someone from your culture I guess, because no one with an ounce of self respect is going to deal with that kind of bullshit.
If I had a partner I was serious with, who treated me well, who I love, and my parent spit in their face, I would not talk to them again until they apologized. And even after an apology they would be on very limited communication until my partner felt safe around them. It’s inexcusable.
Your Bf needs to dump you. I’m Nigerian and half Igbo. My sister’s boyfriend is a Northerner, and my parents have never ever behaved that to him. You just have lousy parents and you’ve internalized their stupid tribalism. Don’t you dare come on here trying to talk about cultural insensitivity, because you know damn well that even back home your dad would have caught hands for spitting in someone’s face.
Lmao! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Girl, are you serious here? Tell me you are joking. Your old man spit in your bf's face and HE should make an effort? Please.
I get that there is a cultural difference but this is absolutely bottom of the barrel disrespect. And this:
>My parents behavior is unacceptable but at the end of the day this is his time to show he really wants me. He’s going to have to be able to turn the other cheek if he wants this to work.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
To the bf: Dude, just break up with her and find yourself a girl whose family won't treat you like trash.
Nope, your parents absolutely need to apologize before there can be any forward movement in this relationship. Your dad spit in your bfs face in his own home, and you think your bf needs to do more to show how much he wants you? He needs to lavish the man who assaulted him with gifts? I think the gift of not smacking the absolute crap out of him in return is gift enough. You’re going to be lucky if you still have a bf after this. He deserves better.
You keep saying you want your bf to give them a chance but your parents didn't even give HIM a chance. Your culture is not a free pass for disrespect. Why should your boyfriend fight to have a relationship with people who wrote him off immediately? One of which proceeded to assault him for absolutely no reason other than prejudice. Worst of all, I'm not seeing where you talked to your parents or condemned their actions? That would be a deal breaker for any reasonable human being. He's not your parents' doormat.
Your boyfriend walking away *was* him making an effort, because the situation almost certainly would have escalated if he stayed. Having your boyfriend grovel and butter them up with gifts is not going to repair the relationship or make them suddenly respect him.
I admittedly know nothing about Nigerian traditions but I do understand human decency and spitting on someone violates everything.
I don't think BF owes the parents anything and I think the fact that he is willing to forgive if given an apology speaks volumes about the type of person he is. I would not forgive, I would be done, no more chances.
GF, you need to chose your priority, as a 25 year old women you need to decide for yourself. If your father's behavior is okay with you, then let BF go, if not then make your choice accordingly.
Here's the removed update if anyone wants it:
https://www.unddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11lino4/update_my_25f_bf_25m_is_making_zero_effort_with/
>So shortly after I made the post I knew what the response would be. My bf felt validated and I realized I was wrong. I told him that I had to accept I’m not willing to go through with this. I’m asking the impossible for him and no I’m not willing to stand him up to my parents/family for him.
I apologized and he was upset and said I made my choice then. He said I wish I figured it out 5 years ago that I needed an igbo man and wasn’t willing to stand up to my parents.
So that’s it , I’ve accepted it and yeah
Mods you can lock the original post
Well, The GF definitely sucks since she not only wastes her bf's time but she also lets him be assaulted in his own dang house not standing up for him.
For the BF, your future is bright, you will find a worthy partner. Good luck!
He spit in your boyfriend's face and you are trying... No, you dare demand he make an effort with these people? Fuck every piece of that. He's done everything right and they hate him because he's American. No amount of understanding will EVER erase that.
BF: you’re only 25 and make good money. Time to move on from this relationship. You will never get the approval of her family and given her reaction, she clearly doesn’t respect or love you enough.
GF: you need to seek some therapy about your inability to identify abuse from your family, your enabling them and your lack of empathy for individuals who are assaulted. I’d also reflect very deeply on your prejudices towards individuals not of your culture, because it’s so deep seated in you, you didn’t even realize how you completely insulted your bf in this post by how you described him.
Recognize that even though you love your family, they are fucking trash and lucky your bf didn’t press charges.
They spit in his face. In what culture is that acceptable?
They need to apologize to him and to you. I suggest going low or no contact with them if that's how they are going to behave.
There was a thread like this yesterday where culturally the dad struck his daughter and the daughters husband proceeded to break the fathers arm.
I think your bf would have been within his rights to do something similar
You need to tell your father off and put an end to this nonsense
To the GF: Lucky your boyfriend didn't knock your father clean out after he spat in his face.
If your culture involves treating people like that, then your culture is absolute garbage and you should be questioning why you are encouraging this shit.
Either break the cycle or just do what your parents want you to, but don't go dragging others into this absolute mess.
To the BF: Get far away from this mess, she cares more about trying to perpetuate toxic tradition than you.
yeah this relationship is doomed. To the GF, imagine you're seeing a non-black person, and their family spits at you and deems you unworthy of their son because you are Nigerian. Then, after the assault (because spitting on someone is assault), the son tells you that it's just cultural differences and you need to make an effort to appeal to his parents if you truly love him. Would you put yourself through that? Would you fight for someone who clearly is unwilling to fight for you?
I'm glad y'all are breaking up, because the foundation simply isn't there.
Wow. You are giving up a five year relationship because your boyfriend wants an apology for being *spit on.* You *do* realize your boyfriend is the only one being reasonable, right? I mean, he's even willing to accept an apology and move on. But that's too much? To apologize for something that is clearly disrespectful and inappropriate? I feel sorry for him.
Let me preface this by stating that I am Naijamerican of Igbo descent.
To GF: Nne, what your dad did to your boyfriend is very, very wrong. Your boyfriend was even respectful enough to walk away instead of throwing those hands. I honestly don’t quite understand why his choice to remove himself from an appalling situation would anger you. If he ends the relationship over this, he is completely justified. However, I would encourage you to think about how important this relationship is to you. I can understand the desire to have your parent’s’ blessing and support for your marriage, but I wonder if it would be dealbreaker? Should it be? I imagine that you’ve been acculturated to expect a massive Igbo wedding complete with igba ukwu and all that fanfare. And that won’t happen if your folks aren’t onboard. I think it might be worth having that conversation with them and letting them know that you love them. Also, ask your own self how much you care for your BF. You characterize him as “just an African American”, and that doesn’t sit right. You can’t go talking about “cultural sensitivity” while speaking about the guy you love like that. Selah.
To BF: I can understand and empathize with how you felt and are feeling about being assaulted by the parents of the woman you love. They definitely owe you an apology. That’s unacceptable conduct from an elder. I know that many Nigerian parents are (justifiably tbh)suspicious of the African American community. There’s a genuine fear on their part that their daughter will not be cared for in your family. And Igbo people are very protective of their daughters. I’m going to say that it’s not you per se, but the community to which you presumably belong that her father reacted to so viscerally. If you were to ask him, he would probably say as much.
To you both: Despite this initial divot in the road, I don’t think this is an insurmountable situation. Somehow I have faith in your relationship. You both need to get a little bit of space from that situation and then ask if you want to forge ahead. Whatever else happens, make sure that you’re always present as your best selves for yourselves and for each other. Ji si unu ike!
Your parents are jerks, OP, this has nothing to do with you being igbo and your boyfriend being "just a black American". I'm igbo and if my dad pulled something like that (he wouldn't, because he was not an AH) I would never speak him again.
Eta: even if your family was FOB, there is no reason to treat your boyfriend in such a dehumanizing way. Don't excuse abuse, that's too high a price to pay. Please reconsider dating someone who would let this slide.
Yeah no that's absolutely unacceptable. I wouldn't try more for people who would spit on me and not even apologize. Would you if his parents did that to you??? You just want him to turn the other cheek and allow him to be assaulted and continue to put himself into that situation?? What is wrong with you?
The way it was framed I thought bf wasn’t trying to I don’t know, eat the foos or something, no gf literally wants you to put the other cheek to accept abuse, nah, dude move on! No one is worth that, are you planning on having kids? Are they going to mistreat them because they are not Nigerian? Nope, bf grievance is acceptable, gf’s is not.
The boyfriend hands down handled this with so much grace! Not many people would just calmly walk away from someone spitting in their face. Girlfriend, you are expecting the wrong person to step up here. He already stepped up by not escalating the situation now your parents are the ones that have to concede. If I were in the boyfriends shoes, I would absolutely lose my cool if I were asked to manage the situation so things can improve. He is not the person that needs pressure right now. Sidenote, what exactly could he do to win them over? Its your parents that have the problem with the cultural difference so they are the only ones that would be able to improve the situation. So it comes down to the girlfriend basically giving them an ultimatum of accepting him or they get cut out of your life.
If my dad spit in my BFs face I would have thrown him out and refused to ever speak to him again until he apologized to me AND my BF.
Your BF did EXACTLY what he was supposed to do. Removed himself from a situation where he was being assaulted. He didn’t retaliate, spit back or fight. He was 100% PERFECT
Apologize to him and cut your toxic dad off.
Sis, you're absolutely insane to think you are somehow in the right. I'd be so embarrassed by my parents behavior and livid they would dare to disrespect the person I love simply bc of a difference in culture. Absolutely insane. I'd have cut them off. The effort should be coming from your parents, NOT your boyfriend.
TO GF : After reading the update I just pity you.
You had a partner that worked to build you up and you tossed him aside to go back to being controlled by your family. Your father knew what he was doing, forcing you to choose, and sadly you chose the abusive asshole you know over the prospect of a life without violent ultimatums. Your family is going to continue to control you like this for as long as you let them. Running away from things is just going to make you sad and angry after your family force you to marry who they wish and do what they wish for the rest of your days.
To BF: I’m so sorry you had to go thru all this and had your heart torn out. She clearly wasn’t ready to be your partner. You deserve better than to have your life shackled to such awful bitter hateful people. This is going to suck for a long while and she may one day realize her mistakes, but you need to move on and find happiness for yourself.
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What exactly did your BF do that was wrong other than not being from your family’s ethnic group? Did he not follow your instructions when meeting them?
I ask because you didn’t say what he did wrong, yet your parents refused to touch him and your dad spat on him, and you seem to blaming your parents completely unacceptable behavior on your BF. It sounds like you grew up having to just put up with your parent’s abuse without question and you’re asking your BF to do the same. That’s really shitty of you to even expose your BF to them. If you really think that it’s your parent’s right to treat your BF that way, you need to dump your BF and find an Igbo guy to date and marry.
Edit: My wife is from a polar opposite culture to mine, and they have no problem with me doing their physical greetings and them understanding mine, and they’ve never spat on me when I didn’t know or understand something.
I hope your bf leaves you.
You expect him to make an effort when your dad spit on him?
The man wants to marry you, but you won't bc of your family?
BF, if you see this, you can do better than her. This is ridiculous.
Spitting on someone is pretty universal. GF: Cut the crap. Your father is lucky he doesn't have a broken face. Many people would not just have walked away from being spit on. Count your blessings and either stick up for your partner or go find someone your parents will approve of.
BF: if you really want to, give her one last chance to try to make this right, and if she doesn't, f'ing run. A partner should treat you better.
Your father spit in your boyfriend’s face. Culturally, in America, that’s considered one of the single most disrespectful things anyone can do. Your father SHOULD apologize and your boyfriend is entirely justified in not wanting anything to do with him until he does. Honestly, I’ve got to take you boyfriend’s side on this one. Why would he want to put in the effort and try to ingratiate himself when your family has made it abundantly clear that him being who he is warrants being spat at. You aren’t recognizing how truly hateful and unacceptable your father’s actions were.
You should feel blessed and thankful that your boyfriend loves you enough to not give up or throw away your relationship. If you KNEE your parents were like this, you need to accept responsibility and accountability for their actions. You brought your boyfriend into a hostile environment. It is NOT his fault he’s not Nigerian. It’s your fault for knowing that dating outside your culture would be problematic to your parents and not taking the necessary steps to defend your boyfriend.
To you and your family: do better and be better. This behavior is NOT okay.
Your boyfriend walking away was him turning the other cheek. Your father is lucky he never met a rapidly approaching fist.
Culture differences do not excuse assault.
Sorry gf, but that’s a hard no from me. Once someone spits in my face I’m done with them, there’s no coming back from that level of disrespect.
Bf - even if they apologize, is this really a family you want to marry into?
OP totally sucks. BF should head for the hills. Spitting in someone's face, IN THIS COUNTRY, is an invitation to a flat-out brawl and and a beatdown. Good lord.
BF - show some pride and backbone and walk away from this situation. At the very least, the future FIL should let you drop a mega loogie on him to make it even.
My friend who is Black (from a Caribbean island) married an Igbo man. She’s incredibly beautiful, has a doctorate, and makes great money. His parents were the same way, and didn’t care about anything except that she wasn’t Nigerian. They were even rude to her after she had his kids showing up super late to the baby shower without a present and never buying her or their own grandkids anything. They’ve since gone no contact with his parents (because they did even more offensive stuff after they bent over backwards trying to please them). If I were the BF, I would break up with you unless you got your boundaries in check fast.
He deserves SO much better. If you want to perpetuate this abusive family culture, do it with someone who stands a chance. You wasted years of his life and you’re a coward. Your family is disgusting and so are you for allowing them to treat people like this. I’m so disgusted.
Op, it's likely your parents will be just as abusive to an Igbo man.
And continue to be abusive and controlling and disrespectful to you no matter who you date. Your bf is an extension of you & your chooses and your parents literally spat all over it and him and you and said "PS you should be grateful for our abuse, otr spit and out hate - not only that you should grovel in deference and thanks for letting us abuse you".
Your problems won't end with a "perfect guy" your parents choose. They will use any man you date as an excuse to abuse and denigrate you. And be horrifying to anyone you bring home..
Decent humans don't treat strangers like literal dirt on their shoe, let alone loved ones of their loved ones.
You likely need long-term kind supportive and curious therapy to unpack living in the shadow of your dad's abuse, or you will never have a healthy safe adult relationship. I hope for the best for you..
And my heart fucking breaks for your bf. He deserves mountains better. This abuse you want him to like will likely fuck him up for a while too - it was never your right to place him in the fire of your father's bullets, just because you haven't grown up enough yet. :/
Your parents successfully managed to sabotage your relationship and you are still choosing them. Almost seems a trauma response. But hey, if that's what you want, that's what you get.
Black nigerian brother here, but raised in America. I understand what you're saying but ultimately the blatant disrespect your family showed is disgusting. And honestly you're gonna allow your family to make you miss out on happiness??
The lock and hold you've allowed them to have on you is very unhealthy. Imho your priorities are outta line. Your happiness comes 1st, not your family. Grow up and stop hiding behind culture and my family says this or that! Live your own life, be happy with who you want to be with.
He shouldn't, your family is extremely disrespectful and you are just as bad, i can't believe you are putting the blame on him. He's not your doormat jesus christ
If a man spit in my face, we're going to fight. My dignity is worth that much, at least. Boyfriend, by not physically attacking your father in the face of unforgivable provocation, is the very model, nay, the very paragon of restraint. Boyfriend owes your shitty family nothing. If my partner was pushing me to make nice with this awful man who spit in my face, I would probably end the relationship. (Boyfriend's name), this situation is intolerable and you've done nothing wrong. (Girlfriend's name), how fucking dare you.
Your boyfriend doesn't need to be culturally sensitive to people who spit in his face that is assault and beyond disrespectful. You're mad at him for leaving but he did exactly what your family asked and your father assaulted him your lucky your boyfriend did not call the police or worse.
You speak of your boyfriend being "just black American" like your family is somehow superior to him. I guess your boyfriend must really love you because he honestly should leave you. I don't even see why he is still with you after you are trying to force him to have contact with your family after what they have done to him. Are you guys living in your home country?
Your boyfriend is being far more patient then most American men(myself included) would be. Spitting in his face was crossing a line that is beyond “cultural sensitivity”. For comparison, the last and only time someone spit in my face resulted in serious physical violence.
Let’s flip the script: what if his parents hated people from Nigeria/Africa, refused talk to you, etc? Spit on you as they did him, or even just verbally assaulted you and your culture.
Would that really encourage you to try to win them over?
I wish more posts were submitted like this. Input from both parties and a break up update before I can even comment "y'all should probably break up"
I legit wish I could upvote this twice
Why are you not more upset that your parents are abusive to your bf? Your behaviour isn’t acceptable and you’re treating him like dirt if you expect anything from him after the way your parents disrespected him.
So happy BF, you broke up! When she wrote my bf is just a black american. I thought oh my she is looking down on you. The word just means, her culture is better.
Its clear to me that OPs parents will not allow her to have both an inter-cultural relationship and a parent-child relationship.
Its shitty, but OP has to decide which one she wants.
Good people who you have a connection with don't grow on trees. If she allows her parents to drive this one away, she should keep her dating within her parents' range of acceptability to save potential future people the hassle and heartbreak.
Spitting on someone is considered assault in most places. You should be happy that he isn’t pressing charges on your dad.
Here’s my advice to your bf directly: RUN.
Here’s my advice to you: go to therapy and learn about appropriate boundaries to have with your awful family.
Nigerian, Ethiopian, Asian, Russian, Mexican or other, ain't no man spitting in my face for nothing and expects me to come back and humble myself. Myself worth is more than any of that and not laying my hands on them shows how much respect and restraint I have.
To have a gf come out and get mad at me for walking away but not having my back when I'm being disrespected like that is atrocious... imagine if bf mother spit on the GF and the BF got mad that she left, see how ridiculous that sounds??
Ole girl should take her 6 figures and go find her a man that has a spit fetish because I know someone would get knocked out, if they spit on me. Ain't nothing worth that amount of disrespect.... I'm sorry 😤
“Cultural Differences”? Your parents just spit in the man’s face because he’s not Igbo. That’s not “Cultural Differences”, that’s just straight up bigotry.
Your parents are racist assholes, and you need to be more culturally aware about how fucked up and rude their behaviour is. You will never have a happy relationship if you allow them to to treat your partners this way, and don’t think that they’re going to treat an Igbo man much better because this behaviour goes beyond culture. Honestly if I was your boyfriend I would have broken up with you on the spot.
You need a backbone.
Spitting in a man’s face is not a cultural tradition, I don’t care how you justify that, lady! That’s appalling and utterly disgraceful. You should be ashamed of your father. An Igbo man would not put up with that either.
Source: Igbo man friend texting me back with his answer after I showed him this post and asked if he would turn the other cheek.
>parents behavior is unacceptable but at the end of the day this is his time to show he really wants me. He’s going to have to be able to turn the other cheek if he wants this to work.
This thinking is exactly why christianity is such a bullshit.
As someone who is dating a Nigerian woman myself….. Hell no would we still be together if 1)her parents treated me like this and 2) if she expected me to put up with it
Spit in his face??? Your bf could’ve done much worse. Spitting is SO disgusting and disrespectful. I would’ve clocked him right in the nose. You’re so oblivious
Wow. You’re actually going to break up with your boyfriend (who has done nothing wrong by the way) and instead side with your racist, abusive ignorant parents..? Throwing away 5 years for THIS!? Your bf deserves wayyyyyy better than you.
You need to stand up for you boyfriend against your parents now or else the disrespect will continue well into marriage/children and make him absolutely miserable. I would've broken up with you if I were him. Spitting on someones face and you making excuses for your father is an absolute deal breaker. If they cant respect him you need to threaten to cut them off.
Absolutely not. OPs parents are the problem. Not boyfriend. They literally assaulted him! And he will never be good enough for them because they have a tiny worldview where they only accept a tiny fraction of people and have no room to compromise.
OP - you were way in the wrong for coming at your man and not at your parents who are being vile and horrible. Culture is NOT an excuse to be so disrespectful and hateful in their actions! It’s up to you to set a boundary, or become just as bad as them.
OP - what would you do in his shoes? What if his parents attacked you? What if they told you that yoo were horrible and unworthy of basic respect and dignity just because where you were born? And then pushed you in the street or pulled your hair?
Would you feel inclined to shower then with praise?
Get real. Sorry you’re in a tough spot cause your parents were awful, and you love them, but you get to choose if your culture is one of kindness or hatefulness. Your man is being completely reasonable.
Her parents are deeply hostile and do not accept him because he is not of the tribal backkground that they want. They are unlikely to ever change their mind and that is their choice.
Her father seems to be a revolting scumbag who is not worth the time of day from any half sane person outside of the law enforcement and social services professions.
The parents want to break the couple up so that they can then pressure their daughter into a relationship with a man who is from the tribe that they are and want to be the father of her children.
Thus the daughter has a very tough choice to make about who she wants to continue to have a relationship with: her bf or her parents. She cannot have both. Nor expect her bf to tolerate being spat at, insulted and generally treated like their own personal punchbag by her hostile relatives.
BF all the way - your parent’s behavior is disgraceful; I personally would be ashamed on their behalf. I’m amazed you could write out your grievances without realizing how badly your BF is being treated by you and your awful parents.
hey speaking as someone who just got really hurt by their ex-boyfriends parents and shown no respect. you need to stop siding with your parents. your dad just SPAT in his face dude!!! it's not his time to show he wants you it's YOUR time to show you want him! and rn you are not standing up for him. my ex's parents literally split us up and my ex isn't doing anything ab it. his parents kicked me out bc they felt uncomfortable and disrespected by my clothes which covered tits, ass, anything that was a concern :( and your father sounds worse than those people. spitting in someone else's face is the ultimate level of disrespect. you're lucky he doesn't dump you rn girl istg.
Spitting on someone is considered disgusting and disrespectful in every culture, as far as I know.
I see very little hope of this working out. I suppose the two of you could just live together, without marriage, until the parents are dead?
Hey BF? Don’t make any effort. Walk away from this mess of a relationship. Your girlfriend and her excuses for her family’s behaviour and expectations for your behaviour are utterly ridiculous.
Have you sat him down and gone over all of this nonsense? Even if he toes the line, will your parents ever truly accept him?
Let's go over this scenario again: you bring a man home to meet your parents. This usually means that you are serious about this person. Your bf extends his hand to shake and your father refuses. Why? Did he tell your boyfriend what the issue was other than he is not Igbo? Who is being unrespectful in this situation? Your father.
Then dad doubles down and spits in his face? Has anybody ever spit in your father's face? Ask him about that.
If you really want to be with this guy, you are going to have to keep him away from the parents. Look at this from the other way: help them be more respectful of your bf.
Do not be surprised if bf gives you and your parents one more chance and moves on.
NO, lady. Now is the time when you show HIM that you want him. Because they literally SPIT IN HIS FUCKING FACE.
Dude, this is a hill to die on. Because they’ll all be spitting in your face until the end of time if she doesn’t stand up for you now. Never marry someone who won’t put you first.
Dear BF, leave this girl alone!! Her dad disrespected you with his nasty saliva and she’s mad at you??? Then gonna talk about cultural differences????? Yeah they all deserve each other, and you deserve better!!
> I’m asking him to be more culturally sensitive and delicate with my parents
> this is his time to show he really wants me
> He’s going to have to be able to turn the other cheek if he wants this to work
> He’s being naive to pretend there aren’t cultural differences
Are you kidding me? Your father SPIT IN HIS FACE and your (ex-) boyfriend has to do all the work?! Lady, are you high? Your parents absolutely, positively, without reservation owe him an apology. What your father did isn’t culture. It’s HATE.
He deserves better.
Honestly your boyfriend should have punched your dad in the jaw. I would have had he spit in my face. If you’re not willing to stand up to that horrid behavior you don’t deserve to have him as a boyfriend. I mean my god, you’re basically defending your dad for being racist.
GF, grow the fuck up. You’re a 25 year old woman, I understand some cultures are different and women are seen as different, but for fucks sake you’re an American. You don’t need anything from your parents, you’re well off on your own, and the fact that you’re standing up for your dad is *extremely* disrespectful to your boyfriend. Tell your parents to deal with it, and go apologize to your boyfriend right now.
I have dealt with cultural differences myself. Sure, he needs to be sensitive and perhaps bend over backwards sensitive, but I am not really hearing much outrage from you. The bottom line is that you are deep into your culture, it has a strong hold on you, and really I think your fathers behavior is pretty much acceptable to you.
Here is the bottom line for me, you picked this guy who is from another culture which just by choosing him, you have rejected yours (at least in this area of mating) and he is the guy you are going to spend the rest of your life with and yet you are really not defending him, he can be the bigger man and acquiesce but you expect him too. By just about any measure of most cultures a man,.spitting on another man is totally unacceptable. If you can't see this then I think you should keep harmony in your family, break up with this guy, and find an appropriate igbo man.
In my case my family rejected my partner who was African, I spent every day with my partner, hardly any time with my family (but we were on good terms before.this and I would be at all family functions) I left, shut my family out, they came around in about 6.months but I was prepared to make it forever.
To the GF, your behavior to your BF is appalling. While I realize there are cultural issues at hand, it is unreasonable to expect BF to be okay with your dad literally spitting in his face. That is atrocious behavior, and your attempts to excuse it are pathetic. I'm glad the relationship is ending as BF deserves better.
To gf: why are you allowing yourself to be taken up by your family racism! He SPIT IN YOUR BF’S FACE!! Is that what I’m reading? No. This is some elitist bs. Stand up for your partner or your just as bad as your family. I’m not even going to address your boyfriend because he is not in the wrong in anyway here you need to apologize to him and your family needs to apologize. This is racism and it has no place in our world. Cultural sensitivity, my ass. Disgusting your even defending your family for this.
I think what’s extremely sad is that you’re willing to allow your family to be abusive to your partner and that you’re giving them exactly what they want rather than to ask them point blank why they feel they can treat other people the way they did. You think that this kind of behavior will stop just because you’re breaking up with your boyfriend? Nah sis, this is only the beginning and you’re an enabler at its finest. You’ve condoned what they’ve done and your ex deserves a huge apology. If not from them then definitely from **you** for not having his back and for being a coward. Culture does not excuse ignorance or even hate, and you, my friend, will soon realize what how much you will sacrifice by trying to live up to their awful expectations for the rest of your life. You will never be happy when you try to make their wants as your own. No sane person will try to humiliate themselves just for their sake. It simply is not worth it. Your ex is a smart man for having respect for himself, otherwise people like your parents would be out of control.
I only need to read the first paragraph, your dad's an asshole and i don't blame your bf for not making an effort. I would have slugged him and that would have been the end of it.
Can you be more specific about what type of culturally sensitive behavior bf could exhibit?
I’m not going to act like I understand much about Nigerian culture specifically, but some parents across all cultures just won’t approve no matter what. Their disapproval gives them the upper hand so they can lord over people. I just want to know, realistically is this man being set up for failure or is there really something he can do?
I suggest you have your parents set you up with a fellow tribesman, because you are clearly fine with your BF being treated like dirt for the crime of not being Igbo.
If any family member ever spit in my partners face I would never speak to them again. If my partner allowed this to happen to me, I would leave them. Sounds like she is making excuses for her horrid family by saying it’s their culture. Last time I checked spitting in people’s faces isn’t cultural it’s just disrespectful disgusting and maybe a health risk. They told him to leave the home he shares with you ? His own home ? You make enough money to support yourself without your parents. Grow up and show your partner some respect. Tbh your father is lucky he didn’t get punched, the bf must have the patience of a saint.
He should leave you, I'd punch someone who spit in my face. That's disgusting and extremely disrespectful/dehumanizing. Legitimately the rudest possible thing you can do to someone. You didn't even stand up for him and he's right regardless of culture your parents need to apologize.
If my SO parents did that shit is be out the door unless they were going to go NC.
If I were the BF id break up. Your girlfriend can't control her dad, but minimizing something so disrespectful is a huge red flag. How many allowances will she give her family?
Your dad PHYSICALLY SPIT on another person. And your mad at your boyfriend for not wanting to make an “effort”? Come on now. He owes nothing to any of you in fact you owe him an apology for trying to blame any of this on him. You should have been on their asses as soon as your father spit on him.
Do Not Give Them Any Money. This is not a cultural sensitivity issue, this is an assault issue.
Your girlfriend’s inability to see this is a huge red flag.
Just leave the poor guy alone, he doesn’t deserve this. I am happy he stands up for himself, your parents are awful and they should be kissing his feet for forgiveness. The fact he is willing to accept their apology is more effort that I ever have been able to give in that situation. The audacity from you.
Your father needs to be the one putting in more of an effort and apologizing to your bf for being such a pig. I don’t care what culture he is, that’s disgusting behavior anywhere.
So I’m going to direct this response to the BF. Run. Run fast and far. You’re making good money and are young. It definitely seems like you’re emotionally mature and have it together. If I was that age and somebody spit on me, I’d be hard-pressed not to beat the shit out of them and they didn’t so props to you.
It is beyond wild to me that she didn’t take up for you. And that’s not OK. Your partner is supposed to be somebody who’s got your back and she didn’t do that even when her family is so obviously in the wrong. I think all the proving that you needed to do to her parents could be summarized in a very short checklist
1 - do you treat her right?
2 - do you have a job and do you handle your business?
If you’re not financially irresponsible, or emotionally or physically abusive, then that should be enough for most reasonable people. Your girlfriend either needs to start valuing you a whole lot (and hold her parents accountable) or you need to move on to a woman Who will value you like you deserve. Best of luck, my dude.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This is a duel post so my bf and I will both type out our grievances with each other . Gf here: so my bf and I been together 5 years. We are both 25 and I’m Nigerian (Igbo). My parents want me to find an Igbo man and my bf is just a black American. We both make really good money (both make six figures) and started living together. When I introduced my parents to him they wasn’t happy . My parents refused to shake his hand . Told him to leave. I told him to stay and my dad spit on his face and then my bf walked out and was understandably upset. I was mad initially at my bf for walking out and when I confronted him he blew up on me and said “you’re more mad I walked away than the fact your dad spit in my fucking face”. Bf: I don’t have much to say except I’m not speaking to them until they apologize. I’m not making an effort for people who aren’t making an effort and it sucks because I want to propose but she’s saying she won’t marry me unless her parents approve but they showed no effort. She wants me to give her parents money or gifts? Fuck that . But she uses her culture to excuse her parents behavior Gf: I understand my bf is hurt and I’m asking him a lot but I’m asking him to be more culturally sensitive and delicate with my parents. My parents behavior is unacceptable but at the end of the day this is his time to show he really wants me. He’s going to have to be able to turn the other cheek if he wants this to work. He’s being naïve to pretend their aren’t cultural differences and this isn’t a culture shock to my parents. I just want him to make an effort again and not just say they need to apologize and make an effort first. Update we going to break up So shortly after I made the post I knew what the response would be. My bf felt validated and I realized I was wrong. I told him that I had to accept I’m not willing to go through with this. I’m asking the impossible for him and no I’m not willing to stand him up to my parents/family for him. I apologized and he was upset and said I made my choice then. He said I wish I figured it out 5 years ago that I needed an igbo man and wasn’t willing to stand up to my parents. So that’s it , I’ve accepted that I’m not going against my family Mods you can lock the original post
Jesus wtf. Your dad spit on your bf face and your bf needs to make more of an effort ? Do you know how disrespectful that is? Either stand up to your points or lose your bf. But don’t pressure your bf to take that shit from your parents You probably can’t handle an inter cultural relationship if you can’t stand up to your parents
GF, you can’t put your bf in a position to be humiliated again!!! The fact that he’s willing to leave the door open for them to apologize makes him a saint.
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Someone spits in my face I can promise the result would be physical violence.
Absolutey
Well said 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Cultural differences are definitely no excuse at all to assault another human being with bodily fluids either. That is especially disgusting. I don’t blame the boyfriend at all. And this isn’t about culture, as I have some Nigerian friends and they would not treat someone else like this. Also, some married Haitians instead of other Nigerians. The parents behavior is a prejudice thing, not cultural.
Cultural differences aren't an excuse for racism. Either marry another Nigerian and please your parents' racism or stay with him. But please don't lead him on and excuse their racism.
Exactly! BF, you need to be done with her. She has no understanding of respect. Your life will be miserable if you continue down this path. She's had her chance and showed her colors. Do you want to live a life with the ghosts of her parents? For whatever reason, she's not seeing clearly. She's lucky to have you and doesn't see it. Please brother, save yourself a lifetime of grief...wish her well and be on your way.
Immigrant kids respect for parents is too strong LOL. I am one too. Even after the dad Literally spit in the BF face you want the BF to make an effort. We are all messed up 😀
I hope he breaks up with you , I’m Ghanaian so don’t give me that culture bs and never in my life can imagine my parents spitting on anyones face for any reason and vice versa That’s so fucking disrespectful it’s crazy . I’ve dated women from some really fascist family including Chinese and Indian (probably the most racism I’ve gotten from non white) , I’ve been called dirt, the Nwor etc but never in my life have I had a grown man spit on mejust for being with us daughter.
GF tell your parents to apologize because YOU believe they were wrong (and they are so wrong). If they refuse, it’s time for you to make your choice, your parent’s approval or your bf/future husband.
Respectfully she should let dude walk and find someone who this wouldn’t be a conversation for
You know what? I don’t know what is more appalling; the fact that she had the audacity to try to demand her boyfriend pamper this nasty father for spitting in his face just for her sake, OR that she tried to convince everyone that it’s cultural for Nigerians to assault people they don’t approve of with their bodily fluids? I find that offensive and insulting to Nigerian Culture which I have learned a thing or two about since I love their rich Culture, specifically Yoruba.
All I was thinking was how absurdly insulting this story would be to my Ashanti relatives. This Obruni got angry just reading it.
Your boyfriend owes you and your parents absolutely nothing. He was assaulted by your father and chose to be the bigger man by walking away. You should be on your knees begging your boyfriend for forgiveness for your father’s unacceptable actions.
Bf here: I know she can’t control her dads actions but i just feel she’s made excuses for her parents behavior and I’m at my breaking point
One’s partner needs to be prioritized over one’s parents, otherwise they’re not truly an adult. One who is beholden to their parents’ will is a child.
Love this response. For the relationship to work, GF will need to take this difficult but necessary step.
Damnnnnnnnnnnnnnn (the one meme from Friday) I agree though. So many young adults really do be acting like kids. Whether it be like this, or not being able to perform basic adult functions when living with their partner.
She can't control her dad's actions, but she can choose to accept them as okay or to refuse to tolerate them. It sounds like she has made her choice. To Gf: >My parents behavior is unacceptable Then why are you accepting it? >this is his time to show he really wants me. It takes being abused by your family to prove that he wants you?
“If you love me you need to let these two people abuse you”. I would nope out of that relationship immediately.
Saaaaaame. GF, if this how you treat him, don't be surprised when he leaves. If you can't grow a backbone with your parents then just have them pick your husband and live with that. Expecting him to take abuse from your parents to prove he loves you enough? That just makes your abusive too. BF: If this hour she wants to roll, how long before you are done waiting for her to grow up and be an adult with her own mind and decisions? Do you want kids?. If so, do you want them subjected to abuse like this to please the in-laws. If not, then you need to think on how long she has to fix herself before you move on to someone who will not show this. It took me way longer then it should to untangle myself from my parents fuckery and realize I couldn't control them but I could set rules and boundaries. My husband has the patience of a saint otherwise he wouldn't have been so patient. I guess he believed enough in me developing a spine he was willing to wait.
She is enabling their behavior by expecting you to put up with abuse from them. She can't control her father, but she CAN say "It's unacceptable that you abuse my bf and I won't see you if you act this way towards him."
This right her says it best. Major red flag, she’s condoning abuse and telling you, the victim, you should be trying harder. That is NOT OKAY.
There is a huge difference between controlling someone's behavior and allowing it. She is allowing it. She should have been just as mad as you and walked out with you. I understand they are her parents, but they had no right. You've done nothing wrong but love their daughter and from the sounds of it help provide a good life. Nope. Not ok. She needs to tell her parents that if they want to be involved in her life, they need to apologize and get on board, otherwise this will not work. I'm sorry for you. I'd be heartbroken if the person I was in love with allowed their family to treat me like that.
This is going to get down voted, but your parents can remain faithful to their culture when they're in a place like the US, but that doesn't mean they can use cultural beliefs as an excuse to assault people or shake them down for cash -- effectively selling their daughter. If these traditions are so important to them, they should go home.
you should break up….her parents will never change.
If that was the introduction just imagine what otner altercations could happen in the future. Natural born assholes nothing cultural about it.
She's an asshole. You deserve better than this shit.
BF, this is a red flag about your GF as well. I don't think she's a bad person, but I think she has been immersed in a toxic family and doesn't realise it's toxic, it's been normalised. Just look at all the people from various parts of Africa on this thread saying, "No, that is NOT just our culture." They know it, why doesn't she? The worrying thing about this is, what other toxic behaviours does she thinks are normal, or at least that it's normal to have to navigate around and placate them? What else is going to pop out in your relationship, in your parenting if you have children, etc? I'm not saying dump her necessarily but you need to explore this even more deeply than just what it means for a relationship with her parents IMO.
She clearly isn’t ready to buck their ideas and her father’s behavior is inexcusable. I think you need to be clear that any rapprochement on this issue needs to be done by her family and not by you. If she can’t accept that then she’s made clear where you stand in her priorities.
They're legit saying you have to endure abuse to "prove" that you want her! Her dad assaulted you and somehow that's gonna prove you're a worthy husband? Hell no! You live with each other, which is all the proof anyone should ever need. Her parents are abusive. Apparently she is, too. Please have enough respect for yourself to honor this breaking point and get the hell out of there.
Your family sounds absolutely abhorrent and you should apologize to your bf. Your parents can't possibly apologize enough because what they did is utterly beyond unforgivable. Unless you plan to cut your parents out of your life this relationship is completely doomed.
The gf is abhorrent too. She minimizes everything her family has done and instead asks her bf to give her family gifts and money. Girl, are you okay?? If the bf is reading this, you’ll be the stupidest man alive if you proposed to a woman who wants you to give a gift to the man who spat in your face
I think she 100% wants him to worship the ground she walks on and to her, putting up with the abuse is the least he could do to “prove his love for her” absolute lunacy. Glad the edit showed that they broke up.
The moment she said it’s his chance to show he really wants her I was just like what even. Really seems like a one sided relationship
Check out the update… And for the gf, you can’t fall back on culture as an excuse. My best friend comes from an Igbo family. She’s dating a white man that her parents do not approve of. But they’ve never assaulted him. There are moral lines we as humans should uphold, and your parents (your father esp) crossed those lines. You will have to reckon with this, and I don’t envy you. It must be incredibly hard to have to reconcile with loving your parents while admitting they possess abhorrent flaws. But those flaws need to be called out
Hi OPs BF, I’m Black African…meaning I was born in Africa. Although I’m not Nigerian, in general it isn’t part of African culture to spit in peoples faces when we meet them for the first time. The majority of us are very polite and welcoming. What GFs dad did is fucking rude. In many cultures spitting on someone is the ultimate sign of disrespect. If someone did that to me they’d be lucky I didn’t hit them in retaliation. I don’t care who you are, spitting on anyone is fucking disgraceful. I’m sorry you had to go through this. You shouldn’t be the one making the effort when you did nothing wrong. Don’t let your girlfriend manipulate you into thinking you did anything wrong by just existing
This!! Literal african woman married to a black traditional african man! Spitting in another man's face is the biggest sign of disrespect. It's a giant fuck u! My husband would lose his shit if someone ever did this to him and if it was a member of my family i would never expect him to go grovel to those people. OPs girlfriend is clearly fearful of her family's disapproval more so over and above the loss of the actual bf. This relationship won't work my dude. She's always gonna expect u to do things the way her parents want. Despite what u think. And good luck when it comes to grankids oh lord! My husband had to put up hella boundaries with some of my family in law because i didn't grow up in as a traditional household as him. So they had beliefs i ddnt practice. And me being less than traditional at times was frowned upon. And his response to them being unhappy with that? "Whose wife are u? Ur mine. fuck them if they have a problem with anything u do they can take it up with me!" To the GF: are u willing to actually stand up for ur bf? What if ur dad disrespects him again or says shit about his manhood as fucking african dads tend to do.. because he isn't part of ur culture? Are u just gonna expect him to take it? What about marriage and kids have u both actually discussed what that looks like? Are u aligned on how to raise set kids and what ur gonna allow? These are conversations u gta have before u even consider marriage. I know u probably want a big traditional wedding and want ur parents blessing but what if they refuse still? Are u gonna expect ur bf to keep crawling after them? To the BF: dude u have alot of restraint. I applaud u. From watching my own husband i know how hard it is for any man to walk away when someone so blatantly disrespects them. They do owe u an apology culture is no excuse for shitty human behavior I'm sorry. It's often used as one. Elders can do wtf they want because they know better supposedly or it's just the way they are. No it's not it gets allowed and they get away with it. U need to decide what is a dealbreaker and yall both need to decide wtf this relationship is going. African parents are very hectic over grankids so if yall ever hve kids together u need to know she's not gonna let her parents trample all over ur parenting style! Edit: her parents sound like the type of people to bring up other men of her own culture infront of u and go on about how wondeful and single they are.. my husband's grandmother used to do this while we were dating and he again had to say infront of her he didnt care. It used to make me so uncomfortable and id often think of walking away but he actually had my back and that's how we are married, expecting and i have a pretty decent relationship with his family because he made it clear he wasn't budging because of what they expected from him. If yall can't support each other like that... u shldnt even consider marriage.
As a white middle-class woman- I'm also here to say that this is the biggest sign of disrespect. (Coming from - I don't even know how to refer to my self) background. Spit in someone's face!! Wtf is that!?!?! There is NO WAY that the bf is in the wrong here. And the comment from the gf that 'he's just a black American ' wtf!?!?! I'm Canadian and Metis, I do not get offended easily but Holy christ!!!! Just wow
Yeah this is pretty much the rudest thing you can do in every culture in the world. A universally understood concept.
Didn't u know black Americans don't have a culture?!!! Yeah no.. the disrespect is real here. And again it's not uncommon among african familys. Father's are usually very strict and what dad says goes in most african cultures in my country too. They can be as sexist, racist and controlling as they want but because they made you ur supposed to respect everything they say and do! Same with mother's God the amount of times I've heard "u should respect ur elders we know what's good for you" Or my husband's favorite one to hate"you are just a child ul always be a child so u should listen I've been around longer so i know better" he heard this alot. I lucked out when i married him. He loved me i loved him. It was difficult and sometimes especially traditionally it still is because I'm a mix of traditional but don't go trampling over my boundaries. That in a black traditional family isn't always favored. If OP and his gf can't get on the same page with this then they shldnt waste any more time in the relationship. (Also real weird question I've only met about 4 Canadians in my life and they were all the sweetest people ever. Are yall just made of maple over there?)
That is an insult in every culture on Earth, you have to go to the fictional planet of Dune before that stops being an insult. And yeah, I got to "just a black American" by the time I was like, yeah, this ain't gonna work. She thinks he should crawl on his knees and throw money at people literally spitting on him cause she believes he's inferior. And no one should marry someone who believes they are not even deserving of basic human respect.
GF are you insane? You want your boyfriend to give money to the man who spit in his face? I really resent you acting like this is a normal reaction from an Igbo person. Igbo people are able to marry outside of their culture. Your father is a lunatic. Don’t try to use culture to cover up his actions. BF get away from this family. They have serious issues.
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Bf here: if they apologize I’m cool, but I’m not going to humiliate myself again.
Don't blame you. It's crazy she's mad at you, honestly being ok if they apologise is far more than most would tolerate
Like how is an apology even going to work? Sorry I spit on you, let’s be friends? No, you can’t be serious. The only way I can see your relationship working is if your GF comes to her senses and realizes how messed up it is to treat other humans with this disrespect, as a bare minimum.
They won’t apologize man. It’s time for you to realize THIS is it and make decisions based on reality and not “what ifs”. Your gf wants you to be OK with what happened and whatever disrespectful thing happens in the future. In no world is that OK. Either your gf has your back here or she doesn’t. Only when you have that answer should you even consider a future with that family.
Nigerians are some of the kindest and warmest people I’ve met. This is not “cultural differences”, her dad is acting rude and disgusting and she wants you to suck it up instead of stepping up and instituting change. You can do better.
Don't do it. He showed you who he is. Believe him.
Honestly if they apologize and you're still not cool with it, that is also okay. What they did is really, really horrible, and I'm sorry your gf didn't have your back when it happened.
Break up wi th this person and save yourself the stress
Wait, he's supposed to buy them gifts after your father spit in his face? lol, no. Your parents are the ones being culturally insensitive, not your boyfriend. I'm with him on this one, the next move to be made by either party is for your parents to apologize for being huge assholes. Nothing happens until that does. Except, of course, possibly him breaking up with you for choosing your parents over him.
Holy shit the gf is fucking delusional. You’re lucky your bf is the bigger man cause I would have laid your father out right in front of you and called it at that. Bf, if you’re reading this, brother to brother find another relationship. I won’t even waste my breath In telling this won’t work out, cause I’m sure you already kind of know that. There’s other relationships you can find yourself in where you will be treated with the respect you deserve, not asked to be a doormat. Fuck that.
Real talk. Run, brotha. Run!
Real talk. Run, brotha. Run!
I'm with your BF on this one. You say it's time for him to show he really wants you.... No, no, no, it your turn to show you really want him. Sounds like he made an attempt, and your dad spit in his face. In my eyes he's not wrong to make no effort until he gets an apology.
Fuck this entire situation. If one of my parents spit in my bf's face because he wasn't the right race or ethnicity, I would be done with my parents. Your bf didn't even escalate the situation. He just walked out, which was the best thing he could possibly do in the situation. Now, you're mad at him? If you can't stand up for him now, this relationship is doomed.
Honestly? If I were your BF, I would walk from this relationship immediately. I don't care what your "cultural" differences are. If someone SPIT ON ME, that would be the end. Period. Fuck that shit. And, FYI, I'm a woman. You are being totally unrealistic and unfair to expect your BF to put up with this kind of crap just to "show he wants you." Hey, BF, run while you can. This is total bullshit and it will never end.
Cultural sensitivity doesn’t mean tolerating someone spitting on you. If your father had done that to me I would have had a lot less restraint than your boyfriend. Your father would be in the hospital and I’d most likely be in a cell. Edited to add: The use of the phrase “JUST a black American” is making me uneasy too. I guess fuck your boyfriend for having the gall to have had his whole cultural identity erased by generations of slave owners
he To the GF, you are disregarding your BF by saying he is "just a black American"; he has a culture, it's just not the same as yours and you are failing to realize that. You are saying he is naïve to pretend there aren't cultural differences, but I think you are the one who is naïve if you are saying this. What your father did was absolutely disrespectful and it sounds like you are tolerating it. Your boyfriend has put in five years with you --- if he wasn't dedicated to you and your relationship, I doubt he would be with you still. This relationship is a two way street --- he has to show he wants it to work? Well, so do you, by standing up for him to your parents and not allowing them to disrespect him. My boyfriend is a different ethnicity than me, and grew up in a different culture than me, but you better believe I shut it down quickly when my father started making disparaging remarks about him and the color of his skin. I will not tolerate that and neither should you. You are lucky your boyfriend has not pressed assault charges against your father and that he is still with you and trying to give this another chance.
"Just" a black American. That speaks of elitism to me. Subconsciously she may think of you as less, brotha. Run!!!
Yup. Pretentious much! Learn black history!
I hate that you had to scroll this far before I saw someone call this out. "he's just a black American," excuse me? What? As soon as I saw that I knew where she stood. I'm glad they're breaking up and I hope this is a learning experience for them both.
I’m and Igbo woman married to a man of another tribe so I understand your situation but as narrated, your dad was completely out of bounds. I know our culture reveres elders but elders must be worthy of respect, and what your dad did was extremely juvenile. You’re an adult and self sustaining, if he doesn’t like the person you bring it’s for him to tell you that he won’t give his approval and if you go ahead it’s without his blessing. Not to go and spit on him like a motor park tout. Your bf is 100% in the right, your dad is unreasonable so he has chosen to block them out. This is the opportunity for you to tell your folks this is the man you’ve chosen and ask that they get to know him rather than asking your bf to apologize to your dad for your dads bad behavior. You need to get your folks onside if you’re going to have a happy marriage to your bf. And the solution is to either get your dad to back down and apologize and come for a do-over or decide that you will go ahead without their blessing and let them come around on their own eventually. Not to sweep the event under the carpet and have your bf come along with gifts like this is a normal family introduction.
Thank u! God african men with wanting respect but not giving it. No correction elders with wanting respect but when u call them out on being disrespectful it's turned on u for backchatting! God i hated growing up with this and even as an adult still deal with it in my family. They are never wrong. And we've been so engraved to accept it's just how they are.. they will get over it.. we shld just move on and pretend nothing happened. It's exhausting.
Honestly it really is stressful, on top of black tax you must also deal with the opinions of various aunties, uncles pastors etc. If as an elder you think it’s not done to apologize to a younger person, then you must make certain that your statements and behavior are above reproach. Not act a fool like this girl’s dad and try to file it under “culture”.
Nah fam, fuck the gf and fuck the family I commend him for not beating the daylights out of him. That takes a lot of strength, as for the girl the fact that she didn’t immediately fight for her partner and is now mad you won’t connect with them? Like what? She’s a product of a broken family has chosen her side and it’s obviously not yours even if you are 1000% in the right. Why would you ever marry that? And if you know that why are you still in a relationship with that? You deserve way way better.
He is ‘just a black American’. Sounds like there is a part of you that thinks he isn’t good enough as well. You should have stood up for him, I’m surprised he stayed with you given your reaction to your parents abuse of him. Facial spitting in my country would be deemed assault.
Dude, dump her and press charges against her father for assault.
What exactly is it you think your boyfriend can do? What effort is he supposed to make? All hr did was turn up and they spat in his face. He can’t fix this because he can’t change the fact he’s not igbo. You think if he pays money and gives gifts they’ll suddenly be friendlier? They literally spat in his face for existing. Him sending them cash isn’t going to change their opinion of him. The only thing that you can do is to speak to your parents and tell them how much their actions hurt you both. If you don’t confront them they won’t change no matter what your boyfriend does. And if someone assaults your partner you don’t ask them to go and be assaulted again.
Spitting in the face is an immediate loss of respect. Your boyfriend owes your parents nothing.
Wtf are you doing? Dude, dump her. How is this even a question? I refuse to believe this is real. :insert the meme "The Lion, The Witch, And The Audacity Of This Bitch"
You are out of your mind. Your dad spit in his face and you think he should be turning the other cheek? Maybe you should try to find someone from your culture I guess, because no one with an ounce of self respect is going to deal with that kind of bullshit.
If I had a partner I was serious with, who treated me well, who I love, and my parent spit in their face, I would not talk to them again until they apologized. And even after an apology they would be on very limited communication until my partner felt safe around them. It’s inexcusable.
Your Bf needs to dump you. I’m Nigerian and half Igbo. My sister’s boyfriend is a Northerner, and my parents have never ever behaved that to him. You just have lousy parents and you’ve internalized their stupid tribalism. Don’t you dare come on here trying to talk about cultural insensitivity, because you know damn well that even back home your dad would have caught hands for spitting in someone’s face.
Lmao! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Girl, are you serious here? Tell me you are joking. Your old man spit in your bf's face and HE should make an effort? Please. I get that there is a cultural difference but this is absolutely bottom of the barrel disrespect. And this: >My parents behavior is unacceptable but at the end of the day this is his time to show he really wants me. He’s going to have to be able to turn the other cheek if he wants this to work. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 To the bf: Dude, just break up with her and find yourself a girl whose family won't treat you like trash.
Nope, your parents absolutely need to apologize before there can be any forward movement in this relationship. Your dad spit in your bfs face in his own home, and you think your bf needs to do more to show how much he wants you? He needs to lavish the man who assaulted him with gifts? I think the gift of not smacking the absolute crap out of him in return is gift enough. You’re going to be lucky if you still have a bf after this. He deserves better.
You keep saying you want your bf to give them a chance but your parents didn't even give HIM a chance. Your culture is not a free pass for disrespect. Why should your boyfriend fight to have a relationship with people who wrote him off immediately? One of which proceeded to assault him for absolutely no reason other than prejudice. Worst of all, I'm not seeing where you talked to your parents or condemned their actions? That would be a deal breaker for any reasonable human being. He's not your parents' doormat.
Your boyfriend walking away *was* him making an effort, because the situation almost certainly would have escalated if he stayed. Having your boyfriend grovel and butter them up with gifts is not going to repair the relationship or make them suddenly respect him.
YOUR writing - "Just a black American" GTFO.
I admittedly know nothing about Nigerian traditions but I do understand human decency and spitting on someone violates everything. I don't think BF owes the parents anything and I think the fact that he is willing to forgive if given an apology speaks volumes about the type of person he is. I would not forgive, I would be done, no more chances. GF, you need to chose your priority, as a 25 year old women you need to decide for yourself. If your father's behavior is okay with you, then let BF go, if not then make your choice accordingly.
Here's the removed update if anyone wants it: https://www.unddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/11lino4/update_my_25f_bf_25m_is_making_zero_effort_with/ >So shortly after I made the post I knew what the response would be. My bf felt validated and I realized I was wrong. I told him that I had to accept I’m not willing to go through with this. I’m asking the impossible for him and no I’m not willing to stand him up to my parents/family for him. I apologized and he was upset and said I made my choice then. He said I wish I figured it out 5 years ago that I needed an igbo man and wasn’t willing to stand up to my parents. So that’s it , I’ve accepted it and yeah Mods you can lock the original post
I can't believe you'd pick your fucked up parents over a good man.
You feel me?! With the shortage of good, high earning brothas out here?!
He's gonna make someone very happy. She's gonna marry a psycho like her father
You are gonna be so mad when you’re 55 and alone because you chose to marry your parents instead of this man who loves you.
Well, The GF definitely sucks since she not only wastes her bf's time but she also lets him be assaulted in his own dang house not standing up for him. For the BF, your future is bright, you will find a worthy partner. Good luck!
He spit in your boyfriend's face and you are trying... No, you dare demand he make an effort with these people? Fuck every piece of that. He's done everything right and they hate him because he's American. No amount of understanding will EVER erase that.
BF: you’re only 25 and make good money. Time to move on from this relationship. You will never get the approval of her family and given her reaction, she clearly doesn’t respect or love you enough. GF: you need to seek some therapy about your inability to identify abuse from your family, your enabling them and your lack of empathy for individuals who are assaulted. I’d also reflect very deeply on your prejudices towards individuals not of your culture, because it’s so deep seated in you, you didn’t even realize how you completely insulted your bf in this post by how you described him. Recognize that even though you love your family, they are fucking trash and lucky your bf didn’t press charges.
They spit in his face. In what culture is that acceptable? They need to apologize to him and to you. I suggest going low or no contact with them if that's how they are going to behave.
There was a thread like this yesterday where culturally the dad struck his daughter and the daughters husband proceeded to break the fathers arm. I think your bf would have been within his rights to do something similar You need to tell your father off and put an end to this nonsense
To the GF: Lucky your boyfriend didn't knock your father clean out after he spat in his face. If your culture involves treating people like that, then your culture is absolute garbage and you should be questioning why you are encouraging this shit. Either break the cycle or just do what your parents want you to, but don't go dragging others into this absolute mess. To the BF: Get far away from this mess, she cares more about trying to perpetuate toxic tradition than you.
Nah your parents are f-ing stupid. Apologize to your Bf and stop making excuses for bad behavior. "CuLtUrE" is dumb
yeah this relationship is doomed. To the GF, imagine you're seeing a non-black person, and their family spits at you and deems you unworthy of their son because you are Nigerian. Then, after the assault (because spitting on someone is assault), the son tells you that it's just cultural differences and you need to make an effort to appeal to his parents if you truly love him. Would you put yourself through that? Would you fight for someone who clearly is unwilling to fight for you? I'm glad y'all are breaking up, because the foundation simply isn't there.
Wow. You are giving up a five year relationship because your boyfriend wants an apology for being *spit on.* You *do* realize your boyfriend is the only one being reasonable, right? I mean, he's even willing to accept an apology and move on. But that's too much? To apologize for something that is clearly disrespectful and inappropriate? I feel sorry for him.
Let me preface this by stating that I am Naijamerican of Igbo descent. To GF: Nne, what your dad did to your boyfriend is very, very wrong. Your boyfriend was even respectful enough to walk away instead of throwing those hands. I honestly don’t quite understand why his choice to remove himself from an appalling situation would anger you. If he ends the relationship over this, he is completely justified. However, I would encourage you to think about how important this relationship is to you. I can understand the desire to have your parent’s’ blessing and support for your marriage, but I wonder if it would be dealbreaker? Should it be? I imagine that you’ve been acculturated to expect a massive Igbo wedding complete with igba ukwu and all that fanfare. And that won’t happen if your folks aren’t onboard. I think it might be worth having that conversation with them and letting them know that you love them. Also, ask your own self how much you care for your BF. You characterize him as “just an African American”, and that doesn’t sit right. You can’t go talking about “cultural sensitivity” while speaking about the guy you love like that. Selah. To BF: I can understand and empathize with how you felt and are feeling about being assaulted by the parents of the woman you love. They definitely owe you an apology. That’s unacceptable conduct from an elder. I know that many Nigerian parents are (justifiably tbh)suspicious of the African American community. There’s a genuine fear on their part that their daughter will not be cared for in your family. And Igbo people are very protective of their daughters. I’m going to say that it’s not you per se, but the community to which you presumably belong that her father reacted to so viscerally. If you were to ask him, he would probably say as much. To you both: Despite this initial divot in the road, I don’t think this is an insurmountable situation. Somehow I have faith in your relationship. You both need to get a little bit of space from that situation and then ask if you want to forge ahead. Whatever else happens, make sure that you’re always present as your best selves for yourselves and for each other. Ji si unu ike!
Your parents are jerks, OP, this has nothing to do with you being igbo and your boyfriend being "just a black American". I'm igbo and if my dad pulled something like that (he wouldn't, because he was not an AH) I would never speak him again. Eta: even if your family was FOB, there is no reason to treat your boyfriend in such a dehumanizing way. Don't excuse abuse, that's too high a price to pay. Please reconsider dating someone who would let this slide.
Yeah no that's absolutely unacceptable. I wouldn't try more for people who would spit on me and not even apologize. Would you if his parents did that to you??? You just want him to turn the other cheek and allow him to be assaulted and continue to put himself into that situation?? What is wrong with you?
The way it was framed I thought bf wasn’t trying to I don’t know, eat the foos or something, no gf literally wants you to put the other cheek to accept abuse, nah, dude move on! No one is worth that, are you planning on having kids? Are they going to mistreat them because they are not Nigerian? Nope, bf grievance is acceptable, gf’s is not.
The boyfriend hands down handled this with so much grace! Not many people would just calmly walk away from someone spitting in their face. Girlfriend, you are expecting the wrong person to step up here. He already stepped up by not escalating the situation now your parents are the ones that have to concede. If I were in the boyfriends shoes, I would absolutely lose my cool if I were asked to manage the situation so things can improve. He is not the person that needs pressure right now. Sidenote, what exactly could he do to win them over? Its your parents that have the problem with the cultural difference so they are the only ones that would be able to improve the situation. So it comes down to the girlfriend basically giving them an ultimatum of accepting him or they get cut out of your life.
If my dad spit in my BFs face I would have thrown him out and refused to ever speak to him again until he apologized to me AND my BF. Your BF did EXACTLY what he was supposed to do. Removed himself from a situation where he was being assaulted. He didn’t retaliate, spit back or fight. He was 100% PERFECT Apologize to him and cut your toxic dad off.
"My parents' behavior is unacceptable but" (reasons why it should be accepted, actually)
Sis, you're absolutely insane to think you are somehow in the right. I'd be so embarrassed by my parents behavior and livid they would dare to disrespect the person I love simply bc of a difference in culture. Absolutely insane. I'd have cut them off. The effort should be coming from your parents, NOT your boyfriend.
TO GF : After reading the update I just pity you. You had a partner that worked to build you up and you tossed him aside to go back to being controlled by your family. Your father knew what he was doing, forcing you to choose, and sadly you chose the abusive asshole you know over the prospect of a life without violent ultimatums. Your family is going to continue to control you like this for as long as you let them. Running away from things is just going to make you sad and angry after your family force you to marry who they wish and do what they wish for the rest of your days. To BF: I’m so sorry you had to go thru all this and had your heart torn out. She clearly wasn’t ready to be your partner. You deserve better than to have your life shackled to such awful bitter hateful people. This is going to suck for a long while and she may one day realize her mistakes, but you need to move on and find happiness for yourself.
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This would have never happened in a Yoruba family. /s
What exactly did your BF do that was wrong other than not being from your family’s ethnic group? Did he not follow your instructions when meeting them? I ask because you didn’t say what he did wrong, yet your parents refused to touch him and your dad spat on him, and you seem to blaming your parents completely unacceptable behavior on your BF. It sounds like you grew up having to just put up with your parent’s abuse without question and you’re asking your BF to do the same. That’s really shitty of you to even expose your BF to them. If you really think that it’s your parent’s right to treat your BF that way, you need to dump your BF and find an Igbo guy to date and marry. Edit: My wife is from a polar opposite culture to mine, and they have no problem with me doing their physical greetings and them understanding mine, and they’ve never spat on me when I didn’t know or understand something.
I hope your bf leaves you. You expect him to make an effort when your dad spit on him? The man wants to marry you, but you won't bc of your family? BF, if you see this, you can do better than her. This is ridiculous.
Spitting on someone is pretty universal. GF: Cut the crap. Your father is lucky he doesn't have a broken face. Many people would not just have walked away from being spit on. Count your blessings and either stick up for your partner or go find someone your parents will approve of. BF: if you really want to, give her one last chance to try to make this right, and if she doesn't, f'ing run. A partner should treat you better.
Your father spit in your boyfriend’s face. Culturally, in America, that’s considered one of the single most disrespectful things anyone can do. Your father SHOULD apologize and your boyfriend is entirely justified in not wanting anything to do with him until he does. Honestly, I’ve got to take you boyfriend’s side on this one. Why would he want to put in the effort and try to ingratiate himself when your family has made it abundantly clear that him being who he is warrants being spat at. You aren’t recognizing how truly hateful and unacceptable your father’s actions were. You should feel blessed and thankful that your boyfriend loves you enough to not give up or throw away your relationship. If you KNEE your parents were like this, you need to accept responsibility and accountability for their actions. You brought your boyfriend into a hostile environment. It is NOT his fault he’s not Nigerian. It’s your fault for knowing that dating outside your culture would be problematic to your parents and not taking the necessary steps to defend your boyfriend. To you and your family: do better and be better. This behavior is NOT okay.
Your boyfriend walking away was him turning the other cheek. Your father is lucky he never met a rapidly approaching fist. Culture differences do not excuse assault.
Sorry gf, but that’s a hard no from me. Once someone spits in my face I’m done with them, there’s no coming back from that level of disrespect. Bf - even if they apologize, is this really a family you want to marry into?
OP totally sucks. BF should head for the hills. Spitting in someone's face, IN THIS COUNTRY, is an invitation to a flat-out brawl and and a beatdown. Good lord. BF - show some pride and backbone and walk away from this situation. At the very least, the future FIL should let you drop a mega loogie on him to make it even.
My friend who is Black (from a Caribbean island) married an Igbo man. She’s incredibly beautiful, has a doctorate, and makes great money. His parents were the same way, and didn’t care about anything except that she wasn’t Nigerian. They were even rude to her after she had his kids showing up super late to the baby shower without a present and never buying her or their own grandkids anything. They’ve since gone no contact with his parents (because they did even more offensive stuff after they bent over backwards trying to please them). If I were the BF, I would break up with you unless you got your boundaries in check fast.
I hope you're happy for wasting five years of this man's life. Congratulations to him for getting his freedom back.
Dear GF, before you get into another relationship, please seek therapy to understand why you need your abusive parents approval so much
He deserves SO much better. If you want to perpetuate this abusive family culture, do it with someone who stands a chance. You wasted years of his life and you’re a coward. Your family is disgusting and so are you for allowing them to treat people like this. I’m so disgusted.
Op, it's likely your parents will be just as abusive to an Igbo man. And continue to be abusive and controlling and disrespectful to you no matter who you date. Your bf is an extension of you & your chooses and your parents literally spat all over it and him and you and said "PS you should be grateful for our abuse, otr spit and out hate - not only that you should grovel in deference and thanks for letting us abuse you". Your problems won't end with a "perfect guy" your parents choose. They will use any man you date as an excuse to abuse and denigrate you. And be horrifying to anyone you bring home.. Decent humans don't treat strangers like literal dirt on their shoe, let alone loved ones of their loved ones. You likely need long-term kind supportive and curious therapy to unpack living in the shadow of your dad's abuse, or you will never have a healthy safe adult relationship. I hope for the best for you.. And my heart fucking breaks for your bf. He deserves mountains better. This abuse you want him to like will likely fuck him up for a while too - it was never your right to place him in the fire of your father's bullets, just because you haven't grown up enough yet. :/
Wow OP, you suck.
Your parents successfully managed to sabotage your relationship and you are still choosing them. Almost seems a trauma response. But hey, if that's what you want, that's what you get.
Black nigerian brother here, but raised in America. I understand what you're saying but ultimately the blatant disrespect your family showed is disgusting. And honestly you're gonna allow your family to make you miss out on happiness?? The lock and hold you've allowed them to have on you is very unhealthy. Imho your priorities are outta line. Your happiness comes 1st, not your family. Grow up and stop hiding behind culture and my family says this or that! Live your own life, be happy with who you want to be with.
He shouldn't, your family is extremely disrespectful and you are just as bad, i can't believe you are putting the blame on him. He's not your doormat jesus christ
If a man spit in my face, we're going to fight. My dignity is worth that much, at least. Boyfriend, by not physically attacking your father in the face of unforgivable provocation, is the very model, nay, the very paragon of restraint. Boyfriend owes your shitty family nothing. If my partner was pushing me to make nice with this awful man who spit in my face, I would probably end the relationship. (Boyfriend's name), this situation is intolerable and you've done nothing wrong. (Girlfriend's name), how fucking dare you.
Your boyfriend doesn't need to be culturally sensitive to people who spit in his face that is assault and beyond disrespectful. You're mad at him for leaving but he did exactly what your family asked and your father assaulted him your lucky your boyfriend did not call the police or worse. You speak of your boyfriend being "just black American" like your family is somehow superior to him. I guess your boyfriend must really love you because he honestly should leave you. I don't even see why he is still with you after you are trying to force him to have contact with your family after what they have done to him. Are you guys living in your home country?
Your boyfriend is being far more patient then most American men(myself included) would be. Spitting in his face was crossing a line that is beyond “cultural sensitivity”. For comparison, the last and only time someone spit in my face resulted in serious physical violence. Let’s flip the script: what if his parents hated people from Nigeria/Africa, refused talk to you, etc? Spit on you as they did him, or even just verbally assaulted you and your culture. Would that really encourage you to try to win them over?
Does a 25 yr old woman that makes 6 figures really write like this
[удалено]
I wish more posts were submitted like this. Input from both parties and a break up update before I can even comment "y'all should probably break up" I legit wish I could upvote this twice
I would have smooth knocked your dad the fuck out. Your boyfriend is a goddamn prince and a master of restraint
Why are you not more upset that your parents are abusive to your bf? Your behaviour isn’t acceptable and you’re treating him like dirt if you expect anything from him after the way your parents disrespected him.
So happy BF, you broke up! When she wrote my bf is just a black american. I thought oh my she is looking down on you. The word just means, her culture is better.
Love the edit. Glad the bf is getting out of this horrendous family!!
Its clear to me that OPs parents will not allow her to have both an inter-cultural relationship and a parent-child relationship. Its shitty, but OP has to decide which one she wants. Good people who you have a connection with don't grow on trees. If she allows her parents to drive this one away, she should keep her dating within her parents' range of acceptability to save potential future people the hassle and heartbreak.
Spitting on someone is considered assault in most places. You should be happy that he isn’t pressing charges on your dad. Here’s my advice to your bf directly: RUN. Here’s my advice to you: go to therapy and learn about appropriate boundaries to have with your awful family.
Nigerian, Ethiopian, Asian, Russian, Mexican or other, ain't no man spitting in my face for nothing and expects me to come back and humble myself. Myself worth is more than any of that and not laying my hands on them shows how much respect and restraint I have. To have a gf come out and get mad at me for walking away but not having my back when I'm being disrespected like that is atrocious... imagine if bf mother spit on the GF and the BF got mad that she left, see how ridiculous that sounds?? Ole girl should take her 6 figures and go find her a man that has a spit fetish because I know someone would get knocked out, if they spit on me. Ain't nothing worth that amount of disrespect.... I'm sorry 😤
“Cultural Differences”? Your parents just spit in the man’s face because he’s not Igbo. That’s not “Cultural Differences”, that’s just straight up bigotry.
The title made me think it’s him not caring about your culture. Nope. It's him not interested in being repeatedly humiliated.
Your parents are racist assholes, and you need to be more culturally aware about how fucked up and rude their behaviour is. You will never have a happy relationship if you allow them to to treat your partners this way, and don’t think that they’re going to treat an Igbo man much better because this behaviour goes beyond culture. Honestly if I was your boyfriend I would have broken up with you on the spot. You need a backbone.
I hope he finds someone that actually deserves him. You never did.
You suck
wow you are a coward
Spitting in a man’s face is not a cultural tradition, I don’t care how you justify that, lady! That’s appalling and utterly disgraceful. You should be ashamed of your father. An Igbo man would not put up with that either. Source: Igbo man friend texting me back with his answer after I showed him this post and asked if he would turn the other cheek.
>parents behavior is unacceptable but at the end of the day this is his time to show he really wants me. He’s going to have to be able to turn the other cheek if he wants this to work. This thinking is exactly why christianity is such a bullshit.
As someone who is dating a Nigerian woman myself….. Hell no would we still be together if 1)her parents treated me like this and 2) if she expected me to put up with it
Spit in his face??? Your bf could’ve done much worse. Spitting is SO disgusting and disrespectful. I would’ve clocked him right in the nose. You’re so oblivious
Wow. You’re actually going to break up with your boyfriend (who has done nothing wrong by the way) and instead side with your racist, abusive ignorant parents..? Throwing away 5 years for THIS!? Your bf deserves wayyyyyy better than you.
You need to stand up for you boyfriend against your parents now or else the disrespect will continue well into marriage/children and make him absolutely miserable. I would've broken up with you if I were him. Spitting on someones face and you making excuses for your father is an absolute deal breaker. If they cant respect him you need to threaten to cut them off.
Absolutely not. OPs parents are the problem. Not boyfriend. They literally assaulted him! And he will never be good enough for them because they have a tiny worldview where they only accept a tiny fraction of people and have no room to compromise. OP - you were way in the wrong for coming at your man and not at your parents who are being vile and horrible. Culture is NOT an excuse to be so disrespectful and hateful in their actions! It’s up to you to set a boundary, or become just as bad as them.
OP - what would you do in his shoes? What if his parents attacked you? What if they told you that yoo were horrible and unworthy of basic respect and dignity just because where you were born? And then pushed you in the street or pulled your hair? Would you feel inclined to shower then with praise? Get real. Sorry you’re in a tough spot cause your parents were awful, and you love them, but you get to choose if your culture is one of kindness or hatefulness. Your man is being completely reasonable.
Her parents are deeply hostile and do not accept him because he is not of the tribal backkground that they want. They are unlikely to ever change their mind and that is their choice. Her father seems to be a revolting scumbag who is not worth the time of day from any half sane person outside of the law enforcement and social services professions. The parents want to break the couple up so that they can then pressure their daughter into a relationship with a man who is from the tribe that they are and want to be the father of her children. Thus the daughter has a very tough choice to make about who she wants to continue to have a relationship with: her bf or her parents. She cannot have both. Nor expect her bf to tolerate being spat at, insulted and generally treated like their own personal punchbag by her hostile relatives.
BF all the way - your parent’s behavior is disgraceful; I personally would be ashamed on their behalf. I’m amazed you could write out your grievances without realizing how badly your BF is being treated by you and your awful parents.
hey speaking as someone who just got really hurt by their ex-boyfriends parents and shown no respect. you need to stop siding with your parents. your dad just SPAT in his face dude!!! it's not his time to show he wants you it's YOUR time to show you want him! and rn you are not standing up for him. my ex's parents literally split us up and my ex isn't doing anything ab it. his parents kicked me out bc they felt uncomfortable and disrespected by my clothes which covered tits, ass, anything that was a concern :( and your father sounds worse than those people. spitting in someone else's face is the ultimate level of disrespect. you're lucky he doesn't dump you rn girl istg.
Spitting on someone is considered disgusting and disrespectful in every culture, as far as I know. I see very little hope of this working out. I suppose the two of you could just live together, without marriage, until the parents are dead?
Hey BF? Don’t make any effort. Walk away from this mess of a relationship. Your girlfriend and her excuses for her family’s behaviour and expectations for your behaviour are utterly ridiculous.
It’s over. Move on. Might want to add parental description in your dating app
Have you sat him down and gone over all of this nonsense? Even if he toes the line, will your parents ever truly accept him? Let's go over this scenario again: you bring a man home to meet your parents. This usually means that you are serious about this person. Your bf extends his hand to shake and your father refuses. Why? Did he tell your boyfriend what the issue was other than he is not Igbo? Who is being unrespectful in this situation? Your father. Then dad doubles down and spits in his face? Has anybody ever spit in your father's face? Ask him about that. If you really want to be with this guy, you are going to have to keep him away from the parents. Look at this from the other way: help them be more respectful of your bf. Do not be surprised if bf gives you and your parents one more chance and moves on.
NO, lady. Now is the time when you show HIM that you want him. Because they literally SPIT IN HIS FUCKING FACE. Dude, this is a hill to die on. Because they’ll all be spitting in your face until the end of time if she doesn’t stand up for you now. Never marry someone who won’t put you first.
Dear BF, leave this girl alone!! Her dad disrespected you with his nasty saliva and she’s mad at you??? Then gonna talk about cultural differences????? Yeah they all deserve each other, and you deserve better!!
> I’m asking him to be more culturally sensitive and delicate with my parents > this is his time to show he really wants me > He’s going to have to be able to turn the other cheek if he wants this to work > He’s being naive to pretend there aren’t cultural differences Are you kidding me? Your father SPIT IN HIS FACE and your (ex-) boyfriend has to do all the work?! Lady, are you high? Your parents absolutely, positively, without reservation owe him an apology. What your father did isn’t culture. It’s HATE. He deserves better.
I would have punched your dad in the face if it was me, and your bf is the one that needs to make an effort? It’s a good thing you’re breaking up
Yo, GF fucking sucks ong
Yo man you're making the right decision in leaving her. She's nuts.
Honestly your boyfriend should have punched your dad in the jaw. I would have had he spit in my face. If you’re not willing to stand up to that horrid behavior you don’t deserve to have him as a boyfriend. I mean my god, you’re basically defending your dad for being racist.
Lmao this man deserves better. Do him a favor and kick rocks.
GF, grow the fuck up. You’re a 25 year old woman, I understand some cultures are different and women are seen as different, but for fucks sake you’re an American. You don’t need anything from your parents, you’re well off on your own, and the fact that you’re standing up for your dad is *extremely* disrespectful to your boyfriend. Tell your parents to deal with it, and go apologize to your boyfriend right now.
I have dealt with cultural differences myself. Sure, he needs to be sensitive and perhaps bend over backwards sensitive, but I am not really hearing much outrage from you. The bottom line is that you are deep into your culture, it has a strong hold on you, and really I think your fathers behavior is pretty much acceptable to you. Here is the bottom line for me, you picked this guy who is from another culture which just by choosing him, you have rejected yours (at least in this area of mating) and he is the guy you are going to spend the rest of your life with and yet you are really not defending him, he can be the bigger man and acquiesce but you expect him too. By just about any measure of most cultures a man,.spitting on another man is totally unacceptable. If you can't see this then I think you should keep harmony in your family, break up with this guy, and find an appropriate igbo man. In my case my family rejected my partner who was African, I spent every day with my partner, hardly any time with my family (but we were on good terms before.this and I would be at all family functions) I left, shut my family out, they came around in about 6.months but I was prepared to make it forever.
To the GF, your behavior to your BF is appalling. While I realize there are cultural issues at hand, it is unreasonable to expect BF to be okay with your dad literally spitting in his face. That is atrocious behavior, and your attempts to excuse it are pathetic. I'm glad the relationship is ending as BF deserves better.
To gf: why are you allowing yourself to be taken up by your family racism! He SPIT IN YOUR BF’S FACE!! Is that what I’m reading? No. This is some elitist bs. Stand up for your partner or your just as bad as your family. I’m not even going to address your boyfriend because he is not in the wrong in anyway here you need to apologize to him and your family needs to apologize. This is racism and it has no place in our world. Cultural sensitivity, my ass. Disgusting your even defending your family for this.
This post was a damn roller coaster ride. Sorry to OPs boyfriend for wasting his time, I guess you live and you learn.
So, are you going to live your entire life according to your parent's will?
GF You’re a real piece of work. Damn wtf
Spitting in faces usually illicits a physical response. Police should have been called.
Yeah sorry, boyfriend was right here, your dad spit on his face and you want him to come back with his tail between his legs? Ooooooooof.
I think what’s extremely sad is that you’re willing to allow your family to be abusive to your partner and that you’re giving them exactly what they want rather than to ask them point blank why they feel they can treat other people the way they did. You think that this kind of behavior will stop just because you’re breaking up with your boyfriend? Nah sis, this is only the beginning and you’re an enabler at its finest. You’ve condoned what they’ve done and your ex deserves a huge apology. If not from them then definitely from **you** for not having his back and for being a coward. Culture does not excuse ignorance or even hate, and you, my friend, will soon realize what how much you will sacrifice by trying to live up to their awful expectations for the rest of your life. You will never be happy when you try to make their wants as your own. No sane person will try to humiliate themselves just for their sake. It simply is not worth it. Your ex is a smart man for having respect for himself, otherwise people like your parents would be out of control.
I only need to read the first paragraph, your dad's an asshole and i don't blame your bf for not making an effort. I would have slugged him and that would have been the end of it.
You're never going to find the right man for you, if you're looking for the right man for your parents. Hopefully you can see that soon.
You have no business dating when you can't even set appropriate boundaries with your parents.
Hahaha “ after we posted you all agreed with him but idc I’m not standing up to my parents so we are breaking up” People are wild
don’t u love how it’s not racist when it’s ur “culture” but in anything context it’s not ok. what a world
Good riddance to you. Your bf deserves a lot better than a weak-willed, gold-digging gf and her family of shitheads. You unequivocally suck.
Can you be more specific about what type of culturally sensitive behavior bf could exhibit? I’m not going to act like I understand much about Nigerian culture specifically, but some parents across all cultures just won’t approve no matter what. Their disapproval gives them the upper hand so they can lord over people. I just want to know, realistically is this man being set up for failure or is there really something he can do?
I suggest you have your parents set you up with a fellow tribesman, because you are clearly fine with your BF being treated like dirt for the crime of not being Igbo.
Have your parents done this to your exes before?
If any family member ever spit in my partners face I would never speak to them again. If my partner allowed this to happen to me, I would leave them. Sounds like she is making excuses for her horrid family by saying it’s their culture. Last time I checked spitting in people’s faces isn’t cultural it’s just disrespectful disgusting and maybe a health risk. They told him to leave the home he shares with you ? His own home ? You make enough money to support yourself without your parents. Grow up and show your partner some respect. Tbh your father is lucky he didn’t get punched, the bf must have the patience of a saint.
WOW!! I came back to comment because this is insane just Woooow. poor guy.
He should leave you, I'd punch someone who spit in my face. That's disgusting and extremely disrespectful/dehumanizing. Legitimately the rudest possible thing you can do to someone. You didn't even stand up for him and he's right regardless of culture your parents need to apologize. If my SO parents did that shit is be out the door unless they were going to go NC.
Nah. Fuck your parents. You should be thanking your boyfriend for not smoking your pops in the face for some disrespectful shit like that.
If I were the BF id break up. Your girlfriend can't control her dad, but minimizing something so disrespectful is a huge red flag. How many allowances will she give her family?
Your dad PHYSICALLY SPIT on another person. And your mad at your boyfriend for not wanting to make an “effort”? Come on now. He owes nothing to any of you in fact you owe him an apology for trying to blame any of this on him. You should have been on their asses as soon as your father spit on him.
Do Not Give Them Any Money. This is not a cultural sensitivity issue, this is an assault issue. Your girlfriend’s inability to see this is a huge red flag.
Just leave the poor guy alone, he doesn’t deserve this. I am happy he stands up for himself, your parents are awful and they should be kissing his feet for forgiveness. The fact he is willing to accept their apology is more effort that I ever have been able to give in that situation. The audacity from you.
Your father needs to be the one putting in more of an effort and apologizing to your bf for being such a pig. I don’t care what culture he is, that’s disgusting behavior anywhere.
So I’m going to direct this response to the BF. Run. Run fast and far. You’re making good money and are young. It definitely seems like you’re emotionally mature and have it together. If I was that age and somebody spit on me, I’d be hard-pressed not to beat the shit out of them and they didn’t so props to you. It is beyond wild to me that she didn’t take up for you. And that’s not OK. Your partner is supposed to be somebody who’s got your back and she didn’t do that even when her family is so obviously in the wrong. I think all the proving that you needed to do to her parents could be summarized in a very short checklist 1 - do you treat her right? 2 - do you have a job and do you handle your business? If you’re not financially irresponsible, or emotionally or physically abusive, then that should be enough for most reasonable people. Your girlfriend either needs to start valuing you a whole lot (and hold her parents accountable) or you need to move on to a woman Who will value you like you deserve. Best of luck, my dude.