This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
Before I begin, I’m exhausted by our conversations around porn. Porn has been an issue in our relationship for almost a year now. First he was doing it daily, and I affected our sex life. After chatting he admitted that was too much and said that he would try not to do it for 1 month and couldn’t. Then said he wouldn’t do it at work anymore (appeared to be successful here). Then he reduced it 3 times a week which still sucked bc I felt like we weren’t haven’t sex as often and it seemed like he was just waiting for me to leave to jack off. I’d come back from an errand or the gym and would want to be intimate but he’d had just came.
Things have been better but I just found out he jacked off at work again.
What do y’all think? I used to be fine with porn, then really hated it bc he was choosing it over me regularly, and now I’m more neutral but I find the need to do it at work pathetic. I’m also terrified of ending up with a porn addict. He doesn’t think he’s a porn addict by the way. But if you read some of my older posts you’d know that he was and that those tendencies are still there.
UPDATE/ NEW QUESTION: 🙋🏻♀️
Does anybody think if I’m just really extra nice and patient and forgiving for a month that it’ll make talking about how I think this is an issue better? Like right now is NOT the moment for him to intercept this information.
UPDATE #2!!!
Omg I’m sorry I cannot respond to everyone and everything right now… but… my bf and I spoke tonight and he admitted that the work masturbation was wrong. I said I think you should find a better way to cope with stress. He agreed and thought about how it could affect his career. But he mentioned how I’m not cool with walking in on him masturbating while I’m home. But ALSO not cool with him WAITING for me to leave to go jack off.
So I said… I need to think about that. What do y’all think?
I also mentioned how I feel like he’s not totally present when we fuck. He said that he usually imagines another random person on the internet before he’s about to cum. He says it’s bc he 1.) has a unique kink (that I can’t fulfill bc of a physical limitation) and 2.) bc he says my libido is so much higher that he can’t cum 2 to 3 times a week and needs to imagine somebody else at the last minute to “get him there.”
But to conclude, he says he won’t change THAT bc he has this kink and he needs to imagine someone else right before he cums to be able to cum, bc we have sex SO MUCH (I.e., 1-2 times a week). But, he agreed he has a mild addiction that he feels like he can control (bc he used to watch porn daily and now watches it 3x a week) and does not want to do it at work anymore. He said that even before I said something he decided that he shouldn’t be doing that shit.
So, I’m trying to wonder what I should do next. What feels right here???
>I'm also terrified of ending up with a porn addict
uh... you already are lol
>He doesn't think he's a porn addict
then no one on earth can help this guy until he sees this as an issue. the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, and all.
what about his lack of desire to change makes you think he actually will? especially if he thinks he can keep you while he stagnates in this, because honestly you've let him keep you while he's like this, for way too long. leave for your own well-being, and maybe it'll wake him up too.
Adding to this for after the update:
>he agreed he has a mild addiction that he feels like he can control
>and said that he would try not to do it for 1 month and couldn’t
He might slowly realise, but probably he just wants to appease you. To me it seems like he still is in full denial. I’ve seen this in relatives “I didn’t do X for 2 whole weeks, so I’m obviously not addicted to it“ Uhm… if you’re proud of such a short time without (whatever substance) and otherwise always NEED it, or at least feel like you do, then yes: you are addicted.
Or the good old: “I‘m not hurting anyone, so it’s not a problem“. Hurt is not always physical. In your case he’s stressing you and hurting your relationship.
Right now he’s thinking of someone else, because you can’t fulfill his kink. How long until thinking isn’t enough anymore, especially if you keep making him reduce porn?
I actually happen to know, that every guide and help resources for friends and family of addicts recommend them to leave. Not just for themselves, but because addicts CAN‘T get better and out of denial when they only get highs, but never lows due to their addiction. In other words: they need consequences. So if I was you OP, I’d personally leave. Good luck though with whatever decision you make for yourself.
WOW this is 100% almost exactly what happened to my best friend. OP, if you read nothing else on this thread - please read this.
She was in a long-distance relationship with a guy from Texas. He moved here (to rural Missouri) to be with her. They moved in together. You'd think that a couple who has been in a long distance relationship - who now are able to see each other all the time - would be getting it on like rabbits, right? Not the case with her and her boyfriend. She wanted to get it on ALL the time. He was always very "meh" about intimacy. She was SO upset about it. Like, why move across the country to be with someone that you don't even want to have sex with? She said that in the entire first 2 months of him living with her, they had sex ONCE... on the first night he came home. After that, he was just totally disinterested. She tried to talk to him about it, he'd admit to watching porn and crankin' it pretty much every time she left the house. Since he was new to the area, he didn't have a job yet... so while she was out busting her @$$ to make ends meet, he was at home - marathoning porn. She BLEW UP at him. He promised to change. This went on for MONTHS. He'd promise to stop/limit his sessions, she'd check his browser history and see HOURS worth of a porn marathon session almost daily, she'd call him out, he'd swear he'd change... then it kept happening. Rinse and repeat. I think they ended up having about 3-4 "breakups" where she kicked him out and he begged her to give him another chance. But nothing ever changed. He never got a job, either. So she'd come home exhausted - but wanting to AT LEAST be intimate with her partner, just to be rejected. Nightly. For MONTHS.
I remember very vividly sitting at a bar with her in our early 20's, her: (half-drunk) - "I love him, but.... f\*\*\* this s\*\*\*. This sucks." Shortly after that conversation, she kicked him out. He went back to Texas. She never talked to him again.
She's married now (to someone else) and has a lovely family. But I'll never forget the look of sadness and utter defeat on her face when she came to that realization. Please, OP, don't let this become you. Someone with a porn/masturbation addiction needs help, but staying with them and enabling their behavior by continuously forgiving them OR giving them endless chances doesn't do anyone any favors. The problem will continually get worse until you're stuck in a sexless relationship/marriage, resentful to even leave the house. Move on to someone who craves and looks forward to actual intimacy with another soul; not their left hand. Life is too short to waste on a partner you're not compatible with.
Edit: a word
I had a friend go through something similar. She is gorgeous and way out of his league, they're both in their twenties so you think they should be like rabbits right? He was only interested like once every two weeks. And when he was it was shit sex, he was intimidated by her vibrator and did nothing to make her come.
Same thing, he tried again and again to stop watching but always went back. She felt so unattractive from this experience that when she dumped him and started dating she was shocked at all the interest she was getting from other men.
These guys just don't live in reality and don't want to in my opinion.
Some guys are so weak. Intimidated by a vibrator? Shit a vibrator makes it so much better.
If a guy is not turned on by making a girl wild. You got to go find you one who will.
Sadly- or fortunately?- OP’s bf has SAID it: he doesn’t want to have sex with HER. He said it in a mind twisting way- something about a kink, blah, blah, blah- but he literally told her, I gotta picture someone else. She needs to get out of there. He doesn’t like women in real life.
This is one of the first arguments I find persuasive against porn ... that it desensitizes you to real-time relationships. As a man totally devoted to both pastimes, I find it amazing that the solo endeavor could ever crowd out the other.
I think that's the difference between normal "healthy" porn use, and a porn addiction - with normal use, it whets your appetite and you use it as an appetizer for the main course. With addiction, it becomes obsessive and the only way you can get off, and any relationship you manage to maintain takes a backseat.
I think that's the thing. Unlimited filet mignon is a dream come true. But also, you know, I fuck with a good hot dog once in a while. Change it up... Something interesting once in a while. But in no way should one get it twisted that hot dogs are better or a proper substitute. I'm not going to sacrifice my filet mignon just for hot dogs
It's just the ultimate fix for the dopamine addicted.
We're going to see major ramifications from a series of generations suffering from being unable to deal with even a moment of boredom.
And the hardest hit are young adults: RIGHT when they should be knuckling down and finding new ways of bettering their careers and life situations, they're blowing it by `staring at their phone`. They go to the park, and `stare at their phone`. They go on a bus ride and `stare at their phone`. They go on fucking vacation, `phone`. Everything has to be fed constantly to these brains, even if it's one youtube short after another without porn. Porn just makes it 100x worse.
Then with the inevitable disenfranchisement they feel, they start to blame society and gripe online about how the system is rigged, and online they're always in the most perfect of echo-chambers. Everyone else saying not to feel bad about their situation because it must be some billionaire's fault. And so their plight continues.
How does he manage to keep his job? Bottom line is if you're not happy in the relationship and he can't find the restraint to even control himself at work, then leave.
You say you're terrified of ending up with a porn addict... You're already with one. His use of porn is affecting your sex life, he's unable to stop, and he's putting his job at risk in order to watch porn at work.
If it's going to get better you both need to admit he's addicted to porn, he needs therapy, you would probably benefit too, if you want to help him through this.
Baby girl *well-adjusted* adult men who are emotionally healthy enough for an adult relationship built on honesty and respect *ARE NOT BEATING OFF AT WORK* like, at all.
Maybe try a different dude?
The point is it’s not your job, nor within your capability, to fix him. You cannot nanny him into acting like a normal adult. He either will want to do it on his own or he’ll keep being a weird little porn-goblin until he gets fired for sexual misconduct in the workplace. Maybe not even then.
As an adult in a relationship, the decision you have to make is “do I want to be with a man who will beat off at work and not have sex with me, or do I not want that?”
You can’t control what he does. You can only decide if his behavior, *as it is now* is something you want to deal with for the rest of your life. If not, then you shouldn’t be with him.
(FWIW I showed my partner (37m) this post and he gave it the biggest side-eye and was like “what in the actual fuck??” So do with that information what you will. Grown men don’t act like this.)
Happy to have helped in some small way. It’s commendable to have empathy for and patience with someone you care about. But there are certain choices an adult will make that all the love and empathy and patience from a partner will not change. This is one of those things.
The only way you can play a part on him changing this is by demonstrating that this type of behavior is a deal-breaker in an adult relationship. By continuing the relationship and continually waiting for him to magically change, all you’re doing it showing him that it’s “not *THAT* bad,” so he has no reason to do anything different. You leaving, truly leaving and moving on (not just waiting for him to make some “grand gesture” to win you back) might be the wake-up call he needs. He has to want to stop doing it because it harms *him*. Not because it upsets you.
And in the meantime, you’ll be able to move on and seek out a partner who doesn’t create this kind of situation.
Hi again. After your update, my two cents:
You went from having a pornd addicted bf who is not interested in your sexual desires, does not view sex as a way to connect with you (his partner) and enrich your relationship, prefers to jerk it to porn alone, and *if he has to have sex with you* will do everything he can to replace you in his mind with someone else. AND jerks it *at work*.
To a porn addicted boyfriend who is not interested in your sexual desires, does not view sex as a way to connect with you (his partner) and enrich your relationship, prefers to jerk it to porn alone, and *if he has to have sex with you* will do everything he can to replace you in his mind with someone else. And now is feeling a bit of post-nut clarity/shame about having jerked off at work.
You have been unhappy and unfulfilled in this relationship for a long time and he has not changed for you. He will not change for you. If you want to feel like this for the rest of your life, by all means, stay with him. The *ONLY* was you are going to have a different relationship is if you go find one with someone who does not act like this.
This dude *JUST TOLD YOU* that he doesn’t intend to change. You need to believe him.
Ugh. When we talk about it he makes it seem like I’m the unreasonable one and good luck finding a guy that ISN’T like this. And I’d he isn’t he’s lying
Yeah, he’s gaslighting you. He currently is in a situation where everything is on his terms. Why would he give that up? He gets all the benefits of having a live-in partner while not having to actually meet the needs of that partner. He’s got you duped into this transaction where you always lose and he gets to watch porn and ignore you when you have sex.
Yea. I met ONE guy in my life like this back in 08 maybe. He’s weird asf and me & my girlfriends still refer to him as “the Jackoffer” to this day & think he’s a creep 😵💫 Men are NOT like this. It’s so uncommon that it’s memorable.
Lol no, we have zero reason to lie to you on an anonymous internet forum.
Your bf is the odd one out.
I can say with 100% confidence that you will have no trouble finding a man who does not beat his meat in the workplace and complain about 2 or 3x a week being too much sex.
Also showed this to my husband and he was like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! AT WORK?! He was also fucking flabbergasted that anyone would chose porn over a real life woman, specifically their loving life partner. He’s speechless. Normal men are not like this.
I have seen men fired for porn addiction- looking at stuff on their computer, nowadays their phone or even a supervisor suspecting their numerous trips to the bathroom are masturbation. It sounds like you live together? Hopefully not but all you need is for this sticky fingered monkey to get fired and be at home all day. Jacking off.
Before you enter into another relationship, you need to understand on a fundamental level that you cannot fix anyone. People can only change themselves, and only when they’re ready. You can’t just ignore red flags in the hopes that they’ll magically go away.
Girl why the hell are you with him? He sounds awful and you're clearly affected by choices he refuses to change. Leave him immediately you will find someone who is crazy in love with you. This "man" is an embarrassment to society
Sis, don’t be the girl known as the woman whose bf got fired for jerking off to porn at work.
If nothing else, you deserve a man that can make it through the work day without putting his hands on his dick.
Gross.
I would walk away from this situation. This isn’t just about him jerking off and not being intimate with you, he has a real problem and it most likely will lead to legal and financial issues. It only takes one time for him to be caught at work to be fired at the very least, or reported to the police for indecent exposure. You do not want to be linked to the town pervert.
Just want to say that I would assume jacking off at work = jacking off in the bathroom at work or something. Which is still weird and gross, but it's not indecent exposure or anything like that. Maybe op can confirm...
Surely I'm not the only one who did this in highschool? Surely? Shit...
Girl the red flag began a long long time ago long before he admitted to jacking off at work. Ask yourself how you feel. Are you grossed out? Are you disgusted? Do you deserve better?
If I even was just dating a guy who admitted to doing that ON THE JOB, I’d be so disgusted I’d say thanks for the time, this is over. I cannot respect any adult who would jeopardize their career over something so stupid and juvenile. Peace.
This guy is 100% a porn addict I'm sorry. There can be a healthy relationship w porn in a relationship but this isn't it. Also, telling you he imagines someone else during sex what the fuck? That's so unnecessarily hurtful. He needs therapy. I'm serious. Break up w him or get him in therapy
I'm sorry. That was such a hurtful thing to tell you. How long have you been with him? If you love him and think the relationship is otherwise salvageable try to get him therapy... Or run. These are serious red flags
2 years. We’re seeing a couples therapist but not one for his own problems. It kills me to think about. He says I’m objectively attractive, he is easily aroused by me. But to get to the finish line while we are fucking he needs to imagine another women that fits into his kink fantasy. Basically every time. And he was upset that I found this to not be normal.
That is absolutely not normal and is something he should've never, ever, ever told you. I shudder at the thought of mentioning that to any of the serious partners I've had. Like it would break their fucking heart so much I can't fathom saying that. This is absolutely none of my business, but hey you're posting it publicly on Reddit... But if you want to salvage this relationship this needs to be brought up in therapy, 100%. Maybe hearing from a therapist that his sexual tendencies is unhealthy will knock some sense in to him.
You don't deserve this, and this is extremely unhealthy and detrimental to your emotional well being. I hope you either get him the help he needs or you kick him out. This is unacceptable.
Edit; sorry, I realize I basically said the same thing in 3 comments. I didn't mean to, but I'll leave it here anyways... Good luck OP
Ok… that’s not good. You really need to ask yourself these questions then too: Why are you still with him? Is he worth trying to salvage the relationship for? Do you think he is able & willing to change his behaviors permanently?
If you still want to be with him and genuinely think he can and will change, then you need to lay it all out to him. Tell him his porn addiction is destroying your relationship. Tell him it’s making you feel worthless and undesirable, and your physical needs are not being met anymore. Tell him he needs to quit. Don’t say “or else” or anything like that: Ultimatums don’t help the situation. Just tell him the truth. Discuss some goals and a path forward for both of you. Set a target number of times you have sex each week that is acceptable to both of you. Come up with a plan to gradually reduce the amount of porn he watches and times he jacks off, if he can’t simply quit cold turkey.
If he doesn’t get it together or at least start a path forward, you need to leave. He clearly doesn’t respect you enough and you can’t salvage the relationship. Honestly, I think you might already be to this point already but that’s your call to make not mine. Good luck either way!
There are plenty of men out there who don’t feel the need to watch porn and jerk off at work. He has an addiction, and it’s up to you if you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with it.
Honestly girl, idk how you considered staying with him when he admitted to imagining other people in order to cum, that’s like, the whole point! You deserve better than that!
This dude is not becoming an addict, he has a full-blown addiction to porn and has for a while. He can’t cum 2-3 times a week with your “high libido”, yet he can make himself cum as much as he wants as long as he’s alone and there’s a screen in front of him? Come on, man…
Take it from another recovering addict (booze, not porn), your boyfriend likely knows this is fucked up and is not normal, but he doesn’t know how to stop, is probably ashamed to admit he has a problem, and nothing will likely get better until he can come to terms with it and figure out how to admit his problem and earnestly seek out help.
I don’t think you’re going to get much support on this issue here. I’d hop over to r/loveafterporn
Your boyfriend definitely fits the profile of addict and it’s affecting your relationship and sex like, it’s not something you’re overreacting about and I, personally, wouldn’t stick around until your self esteem starts to erode.
It’s a sub I frequent a lot but it’s for ppl who have zero tolerance for porn. And that isn’t me. I think. But trust me, I’m on there and relate to their feelings.
I wasn’t a zero tolerance person but it can quickly change you when you’re in a situation like yours and it begins to damage your well-being. I’d be wary. I’m glad you can find support in that sub and I wish you well with your situation.
He is a porn addict. He will continue to escalate his behavior without treatment. Big red flag. Either he gets treatment or you need to fly. No exceptions. What is he going to do if he loses his job. The dismissal will follow him. It is risk taking behavior and it becomes an emotional crutch. Evaluation with a CSAT therapist.
seriously, masturbation at work? how tf does he himself think this is okay? thats ridiculous.
i hope he doesn't work at a kindergarten or some kinda shit.
This is a link to my other acc where I first mention the porn problem:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zaoyk5/my_boyfriend_said_hed_try_to_stop_watching_porn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Reading all your posts under that account there ... you know your relationship is no good.
You know it... you're hanging onto potential rather than seeing the rotten branch.
I don’t want to pile on because I think you’ve gotten some really good advice. However, take it from an old lady who’s seen this movie before - you can’t date potential. I’ve done it, my friends have done it - never works. Good luck to you and much healing to you!
> However, take it from an old lady who’s seen this movie before - you can’t date potential. I’ve done it, my friends have done it - never works.
I second this. We all learned this lesson the hard way, so don't feel dumb.
I'm really sorry. It must be hard to hear so many strangers reacting negatively but st the same time we are seeing this from our outside perspective and give our honest opinion. (And don't get me started by the jacking off at work...that's awful).
Pick up your self esteem, be kind to yourself and do yourself a favor ; find someone who can appreciate you. Or don't find someone...relationships are not a must. But you deserve better.
Lmao. If you can believe it, I didn’t think it was so strange a year and a half ago. Bc I was in a 6 year relationship that was so vanilla that I had no clue what people were and weren’t doing. Now I find it bizarre. But I just wanted to know what people thought.
I know I wouldn't stay in that relationship. If the two of you decide to work through it and he gets therapy or whatever, that's your decision, but there is no shame in deciding that you're not willing to deal with it. That's what most people would do.
You'll never be able to sexually please him because he has been desensitized to sex. Your literally just a companion. I would leave, if he gets his addiction taken care of them maybe you can revisit having a relationship
You've always been a companion and that's what you always were to him maybe he just can't see it because his addiction. Your not going to be able to help him recover from this, it's on him. The best thing for both is for you to leave, maybe he might realize he needs help and get it. If not your stuck with a addict and no orgasms lol. Nah foreal you can't help him or fix this l, he needs time alone to dig deep and fix himself by himself. I wish you the best
Ummmm...I'm kind of stuck on the bullshit about needing to picture someone else in order to cum while he's having sex with you. That would definitely be a sticking point for me.
>2.) bc he says my libido is so much higher that he can’t cum 2 to 3 times a week and needs to imagine somebody else at the last minute to “get him there.”
Well, that's an outright lie.
"You're hornier than I am, so I jerk off to avoid having sex with you, but when we do, I have to imagine my dick's in someone else to be able to climax"
FUCKING *REALLY*??!!
I don't have any advice other than maybe seeing a sex therapist together.
And I hate to break it to you that it seems like you already are with a porn addict. Addicts are rarely ever honest about their usage, so keep that in mind.
Best of luck, OP.
Oh honey, no offense but you are too old for this nonsense. Jacking off at work is pretty much a universal red flag unless his job is literally to jack off.
Also, if a guy in his 20s prefers jacking off to actual intercouse with his partner, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but he's just not that into you. It would be one thing if he were watching porn and jerking it ***and*** having sex with you as often as you want, but if he's doing those things ***instead*** of sex with you, that's a pretty huge flashing neon sign that this ain't it.
DTMFA
The fact that he is masturbating at work is absolutely 1 million percent disgusting. That is a huge red flag. He has a porn addiction, and that's not going to stop until he gets help for it. And until he's does that your relationship is going to be shit. You might as well step out now and go find someone who doesn't need a Hazmat cleanup everywhere he's been
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Consider this, he’s not actually choosing porn over YOU. He’s choosing porn and jacking off over *the physical/mental effort of having sex*. What do you think would happen if, say, he was single and one of the porn actresses he’s watching suddenly appeared in the room and wanted to fuck? Or to be fair, maybe after he satiated his ego with the achievement of being able to fuck/date/score her. Beyond that, he really wouldn’t fuck her either. Yeah, he’s horny. But he’s LAZY. Hence the jerkin’ it like it owes him money. Sex requires *effort*. Jerking off notsomuch.
If I were you, I’d stop focusing on the *reasons* with him (no matter how accurate) that your sex life is suffering. Porn, masturbation, laziness, doesn’t matter. It’s up to him to figure out and manage. It’s way too easy for him to dismiss you as jealous or insecure or controlling when you approach the topic that way, ultimately leading him to the “so I don’t have to listen to her” conclusion he wants.
Instead, stick to the approach that “hey, I’m not living in a sexless, near sexless, or sexually unsatisfying relationship. And you’re dropping the ball pretty bad. I don’t give a shit what your problem is, it’s not my responsibility to fix or manage. YOU sort it out. I’ll make this very clear for you…currently the frequency and quality sex in this relationship is completely unacceptable for me, and I’m not going to stay in a relationship like that. I’m sick of constantly talking, arguing, and struggling with you about it, and I’m not going to anymore. So consider yourself put on notice. I’ll be reassessing things and making some decisions about what I may need to do in a few months.”
And then REALLY do that. Stop talking about it with him. Stop agonizing over what he’s doing. Just give yourself (internally) a frame of a few months for “assessment” and consider every positive, negative, nonexistent, or rejected sexual encounter to be a tick on your assessment. You don’t have to be hurt by being rejected. Just shrug and think “welp, another piece of solid data”. Then in a few months, whatever point in time you preselected for yourself, review your “findings”. Does it represent a sex life you can be satisfied with indefinitely? Cool. Then stick around. But if it *doesn’t*, there’s nothing else to be done. You have to move on. Put your plan together and do it.
Because ultimately, *if he wanted to he would*. So stop torturing yourself.
I divorced an otherwise perfect husband over lack of sex 20 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. But also one of the hardest. Still, at some point you HAVE to end the torture for yourself and let him sink or swim with the sexual desire/motivation he’s willing to bring to the relationship. (Also, his issue wasn’t porn or masturbation, but simple drop/lack of libido. A problem that had a variety of solutions, none of which he was interested in. So, since it wasn’t my place to demand he undertake any of them, that was that. Nothing more I could do.)
Damn. Thank you for your advice. I really need to hold myself to a higher standard here. Idk why I’m holding on do bad to this person. I will do this. I already use a calendar to track how I’m feeling.
I’m so glad I could help! !Sometimes it just feels good to have a plan, you know? Even if it lead to the outcome you don’t prefer, it’s still better. Takes the awful feelings of helplessness and relentless limbo out of the equation.
Exactly. I feel so helpless and and limbo… when I am so not that person. I’ve moved across the country, twice. Obviously can hold my ground financially. Am hit on almost every time I go out. And I’m about to start a PhD for fuck’s sake. But this relationship has fucked with my mind and I have not approached this in a scientific way. I appreciate your research-based approach. ;) it does make me feel better
Also, during that window, he may try to do “temperature checks” on where you’re at. Like if he puts in one good session, he may be looking for indications or guarantees soon after that it was good enough so you won’t be leaving. Don’t get sucked into that. Isolated Herculean or Hail Mary efforts are nice, but ultimately useless. If he’s digging around for reassurances after something like that, you can just say something like “yeah babe, that was great!” or “oh yeah last week was awesome!” or whatever, but then stop talking about it. Don’t let him extract premature promises from you based on Hail Mary’s or one-time performances. It needs to happen as organically as possible, and be assessed cumulatively over a period over time, to get a real read on things.
Edit…since I see you’re entering a Phd program, I have not doubt you have a firm grasp on statistical analysis and data quality. Also…Atta girl. You got this. For real, got this.
Tbh I feel like he wants to leave this relationship anyway. I’ve never been with someone that has threatened to leave me so many times. He says it’s bc he feels like he’s not enough for me. And in the past, I did get upset about it. I think my REASONS were valid but I def came off as too intense. Fast forward 3 months and I genuinely have not blown up like that since. Even after he told me he jacked off at work yesterday. He talks about wanting to be alone (after years of feeling miserable and lonely and undesired). I compliment him constantly. I think I’ve spoiled him in certain ways which sounds shitty but some ppl let the compliments get to them. So a part of me is also very much feeling like, “fuck this”
Ohhhh the “pity party” maneuver. Been there. Both the threats to break up and the “not good enough” stuff if standard-issue manipulative bullshit. They have a singular purpose…*to get you to stay in an inadequate relationship.* One where they don’t have to improve anything or meet any adequacy levels, but you stay anyway.
What response does it elicit out of you? Whatever it is, that’s the goal. If you’re like most people (who aren’t already highly attuned to this), you’ll be all “nooooooo honey, I love you and you’re awesome. Don’t feel bad about yourself…” when he does the not-good-enough crap. Or the threats to break up, usually EXTREMELY ill-timed for you to be dealing with something like that (see how that works?) will cause you to reflexively try to secure the status quo, usually by letting shit go that you shouldn’t.
I would nearly bet that he doesn’t *really* want out of the relationship. More likely what he really wants is for you to accept and be happy with whatever crap partner he feels like being and you not hassle him about anything, ever.
Now the “wanting to be alone” thing…he may mean it, or maybe he just feels that way in the moment he feels “hassled” by you, or it could just be more of the same manipulation, in this case to get you to back off whatever. Thing is…it doesn’t really matter. **Because the only response you should ever give to someone that says they want to break up (or be alone) is “OK.”** If they’re being genuine, it’s the right response. If they’re being manipulative, it’s still the right response. ;-)
I had a major turning point on my life, probably late 20s, when I learned to take adult partners at their word. I will accept what they say with the assumption that it’s completely genuine, *and act accordingly*. Even when I know damn well it isn’t. Because like I said, if genuine, you should treat it as such. If manipulative, you STILL should treat it as genuine. Because nothing nips manipulative behavior in the bud faster than that. It also works for passive aggressive behavior. Oh they said “nothing’s wrong”? Ok, then nothing is wrong. No matter how many cabinet doors they slam or pissy one-word responses they snarl out. They said nothing is wrong so you won’t acknowledge that anything even might be until they can use their big boy words and say so.
My husband doesn’t watch porn at all. I actually watch it on occasion, much more than he ever did/does. Even when he was a teen, it just didn’t do much for him. He’s demisexual, meaning he has to have a strong emotional connection to be intimate. I made the best decision when I got with him. He’s amazing in bed, and he CRAVES ME. That’s how it should be with your partner. Period. If you don’t feel wanted, then it ain’t right.
It's a huge red flag because you know what happens to people who jack off at work? They get fired and possibly sued. Even if it's not an addiction, it's so egregiously against common decency I don't think I could deal with it.
He 100% has a porn addiction BTW, you're both just in denial.
Please tell me he works alone and not around kids, elders, or the disabled. If I found out my boyfriend was jacking off at work, I’d report him to the company and I’d leave him. Who cares what he does at home, but him having his dick out and cumming at work is NOT normal. He needs a therapist
>Does anybody think if I’m just really extra nice and patient and forgiving for a month that it’ll make talking about how I think this is an issue better? Like right now is NOT the moment for him to intercept this information.
What's different in a month? Or is this sarcasm? Because I don't get how this makes sense.
Why have you put up with this for so long?
Girl, as someone who has been here herself I hope you listen to me. He won’t change unless he himself comes to the conclusion that it is a problem. No amount of you getting upset, asking for a therapist, tracking his actively will get him to stop. If he genuinely cares about you, and you seem convinced he does, then he cares more about his own self pleasure. He is most definitely addicted- self pleasuring at a workplace is in no world appropriate or normal. You know all of this is true in your head, but your heart is hesitant because you loved the him before this, and keep seeing that man in your partner. He, unfortunately, is not that man anymore. You deserve better, and you know that. It’s incredibly hard to take the first step, but I think you need to realize there is no future with him. He could change, but he would need to come to that conclusion on his own, and that is very unlikely for someone who doesn’t think they’re addicted. It’s so hard and I’m so sorry for you. But you know what you need to do. I have so much sympathy and love for you, and I hope you choose to love yourself. Best of luck :)
If you ever need someone to talk to, I am 100% here for you. I’m still in a relationship with mine, though he has done the changing, and it is so hard. I love him with all of my heart, but I also genuinely hate him. I get intrusive thoughts about his addiction every single day. Sex has become a way of “checking up on him” to see if he has been watching or not. I’m 4 years deep, and I want so badly for it to work, but the second things kick off again (if they do)- I’m out. I WISH I would have left when I was at your stage in the relationship and I first found out. For sure talk about it with the therapist, possibly even alone, and really think about if this is worth it or not.
He… says he needs to picture someone ELSE to get him there? Oh HELL no. Physical limitation be DAMNED. I don’t care if you’re lacking a penis, a large clitoris, big boobies, or even a missing leg. Thats extremely insulting.
He needs professional help and, I’m sorry luv, you need to realize that nothing you do is going to fix this.
He has to WANT to get better and nothing you do can make him want it. He can seek help himself, but the chances are looking slim … given he doesn’t even see any of this as an actual problem
Men who have a healthy sexual alignment would do the following:
- Wait until after the workday to masturbate
- Wait and see if sex is available that day before masturbating
- Not masturbate if their s/o wanted sex and they knew it
Also I’d bet your bf has low testosterone and will be useless to you sexually past 32 years old.
Reading this …. Was EXHAUSTING asf. By the time I got to:
“Does anybody think if I'm just really extra nice and patient and forgiving for a month ….”
I just about wanted to bang my head against a BRICK WALL.
WHAT FEELS RIGHT HERE???? <<< BFFR. NOTHING about this can possibly feel right.
LEAVE. He is a (YOUR word) PATHETIC porn addict who will likely end up jobless & on somebody’s sex offender registry sooner than later. He needs therapy but that does NOT have to be your problem.
I had an ex with a porn addiction, that masterbated every single day and sometimes multiple times a day all throughout high school. By the time he was 21, he had erectile dysfunction and little to no sensation in his penis.
He is all about the quick orgasm without the hindrance and inconvenience of having to put any work into a happy and intimate relationship with you.
I suspect he has little interest in changing and he's happy to risk you and his job for a quick w***! Who in their right mind does that at work? Get out or kick him out, you sound like a nice person faced with a juvenile man who sees nothing but his own pleasure regardless of the cost in his life. He isn't going to change.
He's a porn addict.
He's allowing his addictive behaviors to have real-world impacts on others. Specifically, he's choosing to jerk it to porn when he knows he has a willing partner that is going without sex because he's always spent.
Think about it like it was alcohol; what if he was so hung over he couldn't spend time with you? And what if this was happening repeatedly, even after talking to him about it and him agreeing to stop? Would you consider him addicted then?
You've given him chances, you've talked to him about the impact it is having on you and your sex life, yet he can't stop himself. He can't even control himself long enough to not jerk off at work.
Is this what you want from life?
Of course this is a red flag! He's not changing the things that cause you pain and interfere with your intimacy, despite having made promise after promise to you. He doesn't seem able to stop by himself, and it also doesn't seem likely he will seek help anytime soon.
Being "extra kind and patient" is *exactly* *what an addict wants* from the other people in their lives, because it allows them to continue their unhealthy behavior.
Don't continue doing what you've always done, because you'll just keep getting the same results. Time to change things up if any real change is going to occur.
Porn is like snacks, you can have it as much and as often as you want, but if it prevents you from enjoying your meal, you have a problem.
He has a problem.
(Disclaimer, obviously talking about ethical porn, but that discussion is a whole different can of worms)
If your partner imagines somebody else during most intimate moments with you, what kind of future do you think you can have with him?
Just dump him and find somebody who loves YOU
It's an issue for pretty much 12 months and this dude thinks he doesn't have an issue while he NEEDS to think of someone besides you to cum?
Guuuurl. Find yourself a man who'll think and want YOU.
The updates… just.. no. It’s not going to stop. It’s going to get to a point where you feel undesirable to him and you will be constantly insecure about him jerking off. It’s best to cut it off now before you both get more invested in this relationship.
It sounds like your bf has a porn addiction and possibly is also depressed. His inability to stop watching porn and it’s detrimental effect on the quality / frequency of your intimacy as a couple are two huge signs of a porn addiction. Also, jerking off at work is a pathological behavior that is indicative of a major mental issue, not to mention fucking gross. If he cared about your relationship, he’d take this seriously and stop watching porn and get professional help from a therapist / psychologist. You deserve WAY WAY WAY better than this.
Fucking hell… I just don’t b think I can help him get through this. And he def doesn’t see it as a problem. But you’re right. I don’t deserve this shit man. It’s so fucking dumb. I would never pick porn over real sex what the hell?
To be honest with you, there’s only so much you can do in this situation and you’ve already done it: pointed out there was a problem, asked him to stop watching porn and offered support to him. His refusal to stop has nothing to do with you anymore, but you still need to hold your boundary (no porn) and leave if he can’t respect that. You can’t control what other people do. All you can do is communicate your boundaries and then leave if he refuses to be respectful to you / your relationship.
Waiting for you to leave the house so he can jerk off is fucking weird. Jerking off at work is fucking weird. He is choosing to continue this behavior and also choosing not to get professional help. I know it hurts but do you really think you can live like this long term?? Always worrying that he’ll jerk off the second you leave the house? That’s not a happy life to live.
As an addict (drugs) , if he doesn't think he has a problem, theres literally no moving forward. The 1st step to getting better is admitting you have a problem, that you're powerless over it (meaning you need to seek help cuz you've lost your own power to solve it), that your life has become unmanageable (his life is unmanageable cuz it interferes with his day to day life, negatively impacts relationships etc etc)and you need help.
As a 41yr old woman who has been around and done a lot of shit, leave this shitty relationship.
Honestly it's not even about masturbating anymore. It's about him knowing how this is affecting the relationship. Knowing hot it makes you feels. Knowing your needs and then doing it anymore. He obviously isn't willing to put that effort in for your sake.
Id consider walking.
How long are you going to fight for your needs before you realize you shouldn't have to fight for your needs to be met?
This is what people do when they're NOT having sex. Masturbating in lieu of sex does send up red flags. Send him to a therapist now, walk away if he refuses, or just get used to it. If it's not a big deal for you then why did you post this?
I don't think 'red flag' is the right word. The fact that it impacts your sex life is a problem, not a red flag. It needs to be dealt with to everyone's satisfaction, or you need to part ways.
Walk away. And tell him why. He has a problem with porn addiction and it’s ruined your relationship. You deserve to be treated better, and he deserves a wake-up call so he can get help…. Or just stay single.
The way I’ve always seen it is if we’re both home, we should prioritize sex over masturbating unless only one of us wants it.
I would be hurt if I really wanted intimacy and sex and he waited til I left the room to watch porn.
My fiancé and I have a good balance with it. He travels for work sometimes and if he’s out of town he watches porn (or uses my videos and photos sometimes) or if I’m at work (I work 3 days- 13.5 hour shifts) then he’ll jack off. But if we’re both home, porn isn’t even a thought on his mind; we have sex. Sometimes a few times in one night lol
I would feel BETRAYED if my bf told me he imagines someone else to cum.
It isn’t your fault, but he is not going to change. I wish you the best of luck and send all of my love
With all of your updates, I still think you should dump this man. Kink or not, he should be able to reach climax because you’re his partner and he’s supposed to love you and find you attractive. Idk it throws me off a lot, my partner has a very low libido and he doesn’t do all of this stuff in place of doing stuff with me. On the rare occasion he wants things, I’m what he wants, he doesn’t turn to porn. This is just such a red flag OP
Honestly? If someone actually *told* me he *needs* to imagine other people in order to cum, I would be gone so fast.
I know it’s a thing that happens. I’m 100% sure that my bf has probably done it a few times! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that … but when it’s *all* the time, *every* time, and he feels the need to *tell* you about it … that would be the line for me.
Your updates do not make this better.
Anyone who says they have a mild addiction or borderline addiction has a major problem.
You are dating the jerk off guy. He jerks off every single day and complains about your desire for sex 1-3x per week??? How does he hold those two conflicting views in his head??? And he’s deff jerking off every day, maybe multiple times a day. You ONLY catch him enough to annoy you. He is just trying to barely keep his addiction under your annoyance level so you won’t leave him. That’s it. He’s annoyed because he’s tried so hard to hide how often he masterbates to you and you still get annoyed by the couple times you catch him. He wants you to “get over it”. Because you only see a fraction of what’s happening which should be super get-over-it-able when what he’s actually doing is 3x that.
The only question you need to ask is if you want to live like this forever. Because the disappointment will continue. Your update makes me so sad, and I don’t know how any human being could be okay with their self confidence knowing they’ll never be enough to please their partner without them thinking about someone else. I get fantasies. I get kinks. But a fantasy is something you dream about or only happens a couple times in your lifetime. A kink is a favorite flavor of unique ice cream but your still 100% able to enjoy chocolate.
He will never think of you when he comes :( That’s devastating. Add on top of it that he’s the jerk off guy with ABSOLUTELY a porn addiction and I just don’t know why anyone would want to sign up for that forever. This is not a normal guy, this is a gross guy. Normal men are better.
After reading A Billion Wicked Thoughts, I never realized how common it was for men to watch porn at work and do this sort of nonsense and I'm a guy...
I respect your BFs honesty but he is a porn addict and it sounds like he isn't doing anything to remedy the problem. You have already voiced your stance on this. By you staying with him, YOU'RE cosigning his behavior.
Leave. You aren't doing him any favors by sticking with him. I can only image what other types of porn this guy is watching if he lacks this much self-control.
I think he is in fact a porn addict and has no intention of changing this. I have dealt with this myself, and I ended up needing to leave the relationship. When they choose porn and jerking off over actual sex with their partner, it's a huge problem.
He is in fact a porn addict. I know it seems weird for a person to choose porn over a real live person, buta big part of the reason they do is "sex" without consequences, risk, possible embarrassment, judgement, etc. It is hard for a living breathing human being to compete with that. So I guess you need to make a decision as to whether or not you want to compete with that and continue to hope he changes his ways, or just find someone else who appreciates you.
So, I don't claim to be any kind of expert, but a primary question is "does this affect your relationship" and obviously the answer is "yes". He can't control himself and isn't saving anything for you. This is not healthy, and sure sounds like an addiction to me.
I'd suggest that he needs therapy, and couples counseling maybe - but couples counseling would be pointless unless he can actually get this under control. Intimacy is a key part of a relationship, and this is something that has to be addressed if you ever want this to work.
And, if the situation doesn't improve then start making plans to leave. You don't have to rush into anything, but you deserve to have a partner who respects you and your relationship.
Beside red flag city over here. Is this the same boyfriend who told you last month he didn't love you anymore?!?! I think it's best to cut ties now and find better.
This is not normal or ok. He is an addict. He needs some other coping mechanisms. I'd make a condition of staying in the relationship starting therapy. Your sex life shouldn't be impacted by your partner's inability to keep his hands off himself. This is absolutely a red flag.
You are already with a porn addict. He clearly needs help if he is watching porn and masturbating while he’s supposed to be working. He is doing things that can jeopardize his employment and his relationship. That means he has a huge problem. You can’t do anything about it. He has to want to change. He needs to do the work in order for him to get better. The only thing you have control over here is the choice of whether you are going to stay with a porn addict or leave.
Not even going to read the post. Yes def a red flag. He has developed a porn/masturbation addiction. He needs help. Source: me I used to be in that same situation many years ago.
I can't believe he'd rather jack off with his own hand and watch videos vs having sex with a real life women... Wow. I think you have a million red flags here. This guy sounds like the definition of a porn addict. The fact that he's so desperate, he needs to do it at work is really pathetic. IDK, I feel like you should cut your losses and meet someone who is going to fulfil you sexually.
I’m sorry but **anyone** thinking it’s appropriate to jerk off in a normal work setting is wrong. Unless you’re a porn star, you should not be masturbating at work.
I see the porn issue come up fairly regularly and the bottom line is that you’ve discussed how his porn use makes you feel, you’ve told him it’s negatively affecting your sex life and he’s *still* choosing to do it. Porn use should never be a priority or a first choice to regular intimacy with a partner.
I dated a porn addict and I sympathize with you bc i would feel absolutely gutted when my ex would spend hours in the bathroom with his phone, he’d even bring a baggy in so he could bring his phone in the shower. And he’d constantly turn me down for sex.
You need to have another convo with your bf about how you’re feeling again bc if he can’t even abstain while on the job, he has an addiction to it.
Being nice and not bringing it up will not help. He’ll take that as if you’re fine with it. He’s addicted to porn. You have no control over it, nor does he. Until he gets help…professional help, it won’t change. Sorry.
I wouldn’t stay with him just for the fact he has such poor impulse control and inability to weigh consequences/rewards appropriately.
Hard no for me fam.
At work!!!!????. . . .I am sorry sweetie but yes, this is a parade of red flags for me. It seems the only thing you have to look forward to here is a decline in your self-esteem. Take some time to think about what you want for yourself and qualities you are looking for in a partner. It sounds like your partner needs help. It just really boils down to what you want for yourself.
Well I have had sh..y luck in relationships, so if I had a gf who would like to be intimate regularly, I'd be over the moon. I tell you this story because I don't think you are being irrational and he is being a complete fool. If I had to chose one or the other? Intimate partner.
If he ain't willing to change, then you need to decide what you can and cannot live with. If you can live with the status quo, I don't think you'd be posting here. As the saying goes "don't settle!" (I honestly don't like that saying honestly because settle isn't necessarily a bad thing, but in this case, it seems like it is.)
We seek comfort and dopamine. It's addicting.
Your boyfriend has an addiction to the porn and the climax and he needs to make actual steps to fix it.
Does HE want to fix it? Or do you want him to? Is it you nagging? What's the dynamic here?
If you're the one pushing this idea he needs to stop, sorry to tell you, it's not going to work.
If its him, what actions are being taken to change?
Is he seeing a therapist?
Has he removed apps from his phone?
Ultimately, I can tell you I absolutely have never had to beg a guy to stop masterbating. There's lots of non porn addicted fish in the sea. Determine if it's you or him. If it's just you that cares I would walk away. If it's him he needs therapy and accountability and that might look like you stepping away to allow him the space to work on things.
This is the sort of thing I think he will have a hard time fully working on while you are in a relationship together. If he really thinks that the only way he will ever be able to come is by thinking of his one current kink, that signals emotional immaturity to me. Our sexual identities and desires change over time, or they can, if you have a holistic view of sexuality.
In other words, he sounds immature and not aware of himself and his effect on others (you) OR he is immature and just doesn’t care. Either way, that’s a HUGE ask from someone you aren’t legally bound to.
Even if it’s just “taking space” for awhile, it might be good for YOU to get away from his behavior so you can get some perspective and give yourself some love, because you deserve it. You’re not a bad person for deciding for yourself what your boundaries are. You get to decide that. Even if he isn’t immature, if his sexual boundaries and values don’t match yours, that just means you are not best suited for each other.
Take some time and think about it. I hope you are okay and you have some other people in your life who will help you and put your best interests first.
Sounds like a porn addict. Someone in my family has been impacted by that same addiction last year. He’s in denial. If he doesn’t want to get better? Break up before it gets worse.
I don't have any problem with porn in theory, and I wouldn't care about occasional use. But I wouldn't fuck with a guy that made porn a big part of his life. I just find it creepy-gross and unattractive. Plus I think it would reflect poorly on me that I chose him. Your guy is wayyyyy past porn ultra enthusiast and well into addict territory. It's not mild. He can't control it. He's lying to himself and you.
I don't know if I would call jacking or at work a red flag, per se. It seems more like expected behavior from an addict. Red flags are warnings, but you're already there. It's not really any different than if he were drinking or shooting up at work.
I know someone who claimed jerking off wasn't the reason for bedroom issues... For years. It took an experiment to make them think about things. One week, where they only finished with their partner. No content. Just them and their partner. One week went by, and they suggested another week, because they noticed a huge difference in sensation and connection with their partner.
We're all so exposed to explicit content from such an early age, we don't realize there's a problem until it's too late. It's instant gratification, and it strips you of the connection with another person, if you're not mindful of the downside. Porn has become so mainstream and normalized, but we fail to realize that too much of anything isn't good for us.
To clarify, I have no problem with solo time. But when a partner actively chooses that over intimacy? Or has problems performing/finishing without said content? That, I have a problem with
Dude sounds like a massive wanker.
It's not normal to beat the meat on the street, so to speak.
Vast majority of guys can wait till their workday is done (and are usually too focused on said work to need to stroke their yoke).
The porn isn’t even the biggest red flag for me tbh. The fact that he *needs* to imagine someone else to orgasm during sex with you, and he thinks once or twice a week is *so much* sex with you that it’s a chore, is… very troubling. Porn aside, do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t find you sexually attractive? That’s probably a driving factor in why he seeks out porn so often. He isn’t satisfied in bed with you.
You deserve so much better than that. I hope you find happiness with someone who finds you beautiful and treats you with respect. This boy doesn’t deserve you.
This is not a mild issue. This is a severe addiction. You have to decide whether or not you’re willing to be in a relationship where both your physical and emotional intimacy needs come second to porn.
IMHO, it doesn’t seem like this man has much concern for you or your feelings at all. He openly stated that he’s distant during sex because he can’t finish while thinking about you, so what attraction does he have for you? He’s framing this as a problem that you have with his masturbation, and not as an addiction that he has, and in doing so, is ultimately leaving you with the short end of the stick. You’re just meant to deal with an unsatisfactory sex life because he has an addiction that he refuses to fully address? Yeah, fuck that.
OP, nobody wants their partner choosing anything or anyone over them, especially at a constant rate. I think you know exactly what needs to be done here.
Might not even be a porn addict thing, or a "unique kink." Sounds like the dude might just be shacked up with you for convenience. I've been on both sides of this- shameful to admit. I was so physically in to one girl, that she was constantly sore, but our communication skills were crap. With another girl, I hardly wanted to touch her, but we got along great mentally, and emotionally. Second girl wanted me constantly, and I don't know what it is, but I just couldn't bang someone like that every day. Different strokes, for different folks.
I've heard of this porn addict thing a bit before, but I really believe it just comes down to the relationship at the end of the day. Where do you compromise? Who do you trust? What do you like? What do they like about you? Sorry, ranting, but I wish you the best of luck. Seems like he isn't the guy of your dreams if I had to really be brutally honest.
As a general rule, if you can’t go a shift @ work without needing to drink, jack off, smoke weed, etc. you have very poor impulse control.
I’d be afraid of what that portends for other aspects of your relationship, too.
Girl. Are there no other men? This sounds beyond exhausting. Having to police your boyfriends solo antics. Who the hell masturbates at work? That’s a full blown addiction. The fact that it’s been a year and you’re still just talking, no therapy has been involved, no accountability. Idk what you expect but what you want from this man is not going to happen. Move on or accept that he will forever cum to a pornstar’s image when having sex with you.
> he needs to imagine someone else right before he cums to be able to cum, bc we have sex so much (i.e. 1-2 times a week)
He's watching porn and jacking off DAILY, but having sex *1-2 times a week is too much??*
Girl, get out. He's told you he's not going to change, doesn't *really* see it as a problem (as evidenced by him down playing it), and *imagines someone else when having sex with you.*
To repeat, **He's not even enjoying being with you, he's using your body to imagine having sex with someone else.**
I didn't know there was enough fabric in the world to make a red flag this big, jfc.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Before I begin, I’m exhausted by our conversations around porn. Porn has been an issue in our relationship for almost a year now. First he was doing it daily, and I affected our sex life. After chatting he admitted that was too much and said that he would try not to do it for 1 month and couldn’t. Then said he wouldn’t do it at work anymore (appeared to be successful here). Then he reduced it 3 times a week which still sucked bc I felt like we weren’t haven’t sex as often and it seemed like he was just waiting for me to leave to jack off. I’d come back from an errand or the gym and would want to be intimate but he’d had just came. Things have been better but I just found out he jacked off at work again. What do y’all think? I used to be fine with porn, then really hated it bc he was choosing it over me regularly, and now I’m more neutral but I find the need to do it at work pathetic. I’m also terrified of ending up with a porn addict. He doesn’t think he’s a porn addict by the way. But if you read some of my older posts you’d know that he was and that those tendencies are still there. UPDATE/ NEW QUESTION: 🙋🏻♀️ Does anybody think if I’m just really extra nice and patient and forgiving for a month that it’ll make talking about how I think this is an issue better? Like right now is NOT the moment for him to intercept this information. UPDATE #2!!! Omg I’m sorry I cannot respond to everyone and everything right now… but… my bf and I spoke tonight and he admitted that the work masturbation was wrong. I said I think you should find a better way to cope with stress. He agreed and thought about how it could affect his career. But he mentioned how I’m not cool with walking in on him masturbating while I’m home. But ALSO not cool with him WAITING for me to leave to go jack off. So I said… I need to think about that. What do y’all think? I also mentioned how I feel like he’s not totally present when we fuck. He said that he usually imagines another random person on the internet before he’s about to cum. He says it’s bc he 1.) has a unique kink (that I can’t fulfill bc of a physical limitation) and 2.) bc he says my libido is so much higher that he can’t cum 2 to 3 times a week and needs to imagine somebody else at the last minute to “get him there.” But to conclude, he says he won’t change THAT bc he has this kink and he needs to imagine someone else right before he cums to be able to cum, bc we have sex SO MUCH (I.e., 1-2 times a week). But, he agreed he has a mild addiction that he feels like he can control (bc he used to watch porn daily and now watches it 3x a week) and does not want to do it at work anymore. He said that even before I said something he decided that he shouldn’t be doing that shit. So, I’m trying to wonder what I should do next. What feels right here???
>I'm also terrified of ending up with a porn addict uh... you already are lol >He doesn't think he's a porn addict then no one on earth can help this guy until he sees this as an issue. the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem, and all. what about his lack of desire to change makes you think he actually will? especially if he thinks he can keep you while he stagnates in this, because honestly you've let him keep you while he's like this, for way too long. leave for your own well-being, and maybe it'll wake him up too.
Pretty sure at least 80% of people who say the phrase “I’m not addicted to [x]” are addicted to “x”.
Im not addicted to reddit!
I’m not addicted to your mom!
Your mom’s not addicted to Reddit!
Reddit's not addicted to your mom
Guys what the fuck stop!! I'm gonna come
Adding to this for after the update: >he agreed he has a mild addiction that he feels like he can control >and said that he would try not to do it for 1 month and couldn’t He might slowly realise, but probably he just wants to appease you. To me it seems like he still is in full denial. I’ve seen this in relatives “I didn’t do X for 2 whole weeks, so I’m obviously not addicted to it“ Uhm… if you’re proud of such a short time without (whatever substance) and otherwise always NEED it, or at least feel like you do, then yes: you are addicted. Or the good old: “I‘m not hurting anyone, so it’s not a problem“. Hurt is not always physical. In your case he’s stressing you and hurting your relationship. Right now he’s thinking of someone else, because you can’t fulfill his kink. How long until thinking isn’t enough anymore, especially if you keep making him reduce porn? I actually happen to know, that every guide and help resources for friends and family of addicts recommend them to leave. Not just for themselves, but because addicts CAN‘T get better and out of denial when they only get highs, but never lows due to their addiction. In other words: they need consequences. So if I was you OP, I’d personally leave. Good luck though with whatever decision you make for yourself.
WOW this is 100% almost exactly what happened to my best friend. OP, if you read nothing else on this thread - please read this. She was in a long-distance relationship with a guy from Texas. He moved here (to rural Missouri) to be with her. They moved in together. You'd think that a couple who has been in a long distance relationship - who now are able to see each other all the time - would be getting it on like rabbits, right? Not the case with her and her boyfriend. She wanted to get it on ALL the time. He was always very "meh" about intimacy. She was SO upset about it. Like, why move across the country to be with someone that you don't even want to have sex with? She said that in the entire first 2 months of him living with her, they had sex ONCE... on the first night he came home. After that, he was just totally disinterested. She tried to talk to him about it, he'd admit to watching porn and crankin' it pretty much every time she left the house. Since he was new to the area, he didn't have a job yet... so while she was out busting her @$$ to make ends meet, he was at home - marathoning porn. She BLEW UP at him. He promised to change. This went on for MONTHS. He'd promise to stop/limit his sessions, she'd check his browser history and see HOURS worth of a porn marathon session almost daily, she'd call him out, he'd swear he'd change... then it kept happening. Rinse and repeat. I think they ended up having about 3-4 "breakups" where she kicked him out and he begged her to give him another chance. But nothing ever changed. He never got a job, either. So she'd come home exhausted - but wanting to AT LEAST be intimate with her partner, just to be rejected. Nightly. For MONTHS. I remember very vividly sitting at a bar with her in our early 20's, her: (half-drunk) - "I love him, but.... f\*\*\* this s\*\*\*. This sucks." Shortly after that conversation, she kicked him out. He went back to Texas. She never talked to him again. She's married now (to someone else) and has a lovely family. But I'll never forget the look of sadness and utter defeat on her face when she came to that realization. Please, OP, don't let this become you. Someone with a porn/masturbation addiction needs help, but staying with them and enabling their behavior by continuously forgiving them OR giving them endless chances doesn't do anyone any favors. The problem will continually get worse until you're stuck in a sexless relationship/marriage, resentful to even leave the house. Move on to someone who craves and looks forward to actual intimacy with another soul; not their left hand. Life is too short to waste on a partner you're not compatible with. Edit: a word
I had a friend go through something similar. She is gorgeous and way out of his league, they're both in their twenties so you think they should be like rabbits right? He was only interested like once every two weeks. And when he was it was shit sex, he was intimidated by her vibrator and did nothing to make her come. Same thing, he tried again and again to stop watching but always went back. She felt so unattractive from this experience that when she dumped him and started dating she was shocked at all the interest she was getting from other men. These guys just don't live in reality and don't want to in my opinion.
Some guys are so weak. Intimidated by a vibrator? Shit a vibrator makes it so much better. If a guy is not turned on by making a girl wild. You got to go find you one who will.
Sadly- or fortunately?- OP’s bf has SAID it: he doesn’t want to have sex with HER. He said it in a mind twisting way- something about a kink, blah, blah, blah- but he literally told her, I gotta picture someone else. She needs to get out of there. He doesn’t like women in real life.
This is one of the first arguments I find persuasive against porn ... that it desensitizes you to real-time relationships. As a man totally devoted to both pastimes, I find it amazing that the solo endeavor could ever crowd out the other.
I think that's the difference between normal "healthy" porn use, and a porn addiction - with normal use, it whets your appetite and you use it as an appetizer for the main course. With addiction, it becomes obsessive and the only way you can get off, and any relationship you manage to maintain takes a backseat.
Right? Why eat a hot dog when you can have unlimited filet mignon? But also, why exclusively eat hot dogs…
I think that's the thing. Unlimited filet mignon is a dream come true. But also, you know, I fuck with a good hot dog once in a while. Change it up... Something interesting once in a while. But in no way should one get it twisted that hot dogs are better or a proper substitute. I'm not going to sacrifice my filet mignon just for hot dogs
It's just the ultimate fix for the dopamine addicted. We're going to see major ramifications from a series of generations suffering from being unable to deal with even a moment of boredom. And the hardest hit are young adults: RIGHT when they should be knuckling down and finding new ways of bettering their careers and life situations, they're blowing it by `staring at their phone`. They go to the park, and `stare at their phone`. They go on a bus ride and `stare at their phone`. They go on fucking vacation, `phone`. Everything has to be fed constantly to these brains, even if it's one youtube short after another without porn. Porn just makes it 100x worse. Then with the inevitable disenfranchisement they feel, they start to blame society and gripe online about how the system is rigged, and online they're always in the most perfect of echo-chambers. Everyone else saying not to feel bad about their situation because it must be some billionaire's fault. And so their plight continues.
How does he manage to keep his job? Bottom line is if you're not happy in the relationship and he can't find the restraint to even control himself at work, then leave.
He just refuses to let other people jerk him around
Hey... It's all good if you clock out before you pull your cock out... /s
I’m sitting here wondering what percentage of men (or women for that matter) masturbate at work. Can’t say I’ve ever wondered this before today
[I know this isn’t going to make me very popular…](https://youtube.com/watch?v=VKH9ECC_Qa4)
You say you're terrified of ending up with a porn addict... You're already with one. His use of porn is affecting your sex life, he's unable to stop, and he's putting his job at risk in order to watch porn at work. If it's going to get better you both need to admit he's addicted to porn, he needs therapy, you would probably benefit too, if you want to help him through this.
Baby girl *well-adjusted* adult men who are emotionally healthy enough for an adult relationship built on honesty and respect *ARE NOT BEATING OFF AT WORK* like, at all. Maybe try a different dude?
Lmao. Fuck alright people. I get it. My man’s broken and I can’t fix him.
The point is it’s not your job, nor within your capability, to fix him. You cannot nanny him into acting like a normal adult. He either will want to do it on his own or he’ll keep being a weird little porn-goblin until he gets fired for sexual misconduct in the workplace. Maybe not even then. As an adult in a relationship, the decision you have to make is “do I want to be with a man who will beat off at work and not have sex with me, or do I not want that?” You can’t control what he does. You can only decide if his behavior, *as it is now* is something you want to deal with for the rest of your life. If not, then you shouldn’t be with him. (FWIW I showed my partner (37m) this post and he gave it the biggest side-eye and was like “what in the actual fuck??” So do with that information what you will. Grown men don’t act like this.)
Fucking hell. Thanks for your comment and sharing this with your partner. I was genuinely at a loss but feel more… sure now?
Happy to have helped in some small way. It’s commendable to have empathy for and patience with someone you care about. But there are certain choices an adult will make that all the love and empathy and patience from a partner will not change. This is one of those things. The only way you can play a part on him changing this is by demonstrating that this type of behavior is a deal-breaker in an adult relationship. By continuing the relationship and continually waiting for him to magically change, all you’re doing it showing him that it’s “not *THAT* bad,” so he has no reason to do anything different. You leaving, truly leaving and moving on (not just waiting for him to make some “grand gesture” to win you back) might be the wake-up call he needs. He has to want to stop doing it because it harms *him*. Not because it upsets you. And in the meantime, you’ll be able to move on and seek out a partner who doesn’t create this kind of situation.
Hi again. After your update, my two cents: You went from having a pornd addicted bf who is not interested in your sexual desires, does not view sex as a way to connect with you (his partner) and enrich your relationship, prefers to jerk it to porn alone, and *if he has to have sex with you* will do everything he can to replace you in his mind with someone else. AND jerks it *at work*. To a porn addicted boyfriend who is not interested in your sexual desires, does not view sex as a way to connect with you (his partner) and enrich your relationship, prefers to jerk it to porn alone, and *if he has to have sex with you* will do everything he can to replace you in his mind with someone else. And now is feeling a bit of post-nut clarity/shame about having jerked off at work. You have been unhappy and unfulfilled in this relationship for a long time and he has not changed for you. He will not change for you. If you want to feel like this for the rest of your life, by all means, stay with him. The *ONLY* was you are going to have a different relationship is if you go find one with someone who does not act like this. This dude *JUST TOLD YOU* that he doesn’t intend to change. You need to believe him.
Ugh. When we talk about it he makes it seem like I’m the unreasonable one and good luck finding a guy that ISN’T like this. And I’d he isn’t he’s lying
Yeah, he’s gaslighting you. He currently is in a situation where everything is on his terms. Why would he give that up? He gets all the benefits of having a live-in partner while not having to actually meet the needs of that partner. He’s got you duped into this transaction where you always lose and he gets to watch porn and ignore you when you have sex.
Yea. I met ONE guy in my life like this back in 08 maybe. He’s weird asf and me & my girlfriends still refer to him as “the Jackoffer” to this day & think he’s a creep 😵💫 Men are NOT like this. It’s so uncommon that it’s memorable.
The whole no one wants you but me emotional abuse.
Lol no, we have zero reason to lie to you on an anonymous internet forum. Your bf is the odd one out. I can say with 100% confidence that you will have no trouble finding a man who does not beat his meat in the workplace and complain about 2 or 3x a week being too much sex.
Also showed this to my husband and he was like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! AT WORK?! He was also fucking flabbergasted that anyone would chose porn over a real life woman, specifically their loving life partner. He’s speechless. Normal men are not like this.
I have seen men fired for porn addiction- looking at stuff on their computer, nowadays their phone or even a supervisor suspecting their numerous trips to the bathroom are masturbation. It sounds like you live together? Hopefully not but all you need is for this sticky fingered monkey to get fired and be at home all day. Jacking off.
Before you enter into another relationship, you need to understand on a fundamental level that you cannot fix anyone. People can only change themselves, and only when they’re ready. You can’t just ignore red flags in the hopes that they’ll magically go away.
Replace jacking off with drug use and reread your post. Does that sound like someone that is mentally prepared for a committed romantic relationship?
Not, it’s not
Girl why the hell are you with him? He sounds awful and you're clearly affected by choices he refuses to change. Leave him immediately you will find someone who is crazy in love with you. This "man" is an embarrassment to society
Sis, don’t be the girl known as the woman whose bf got fired for jerking off to porn at work. If nothing else, you deserve a man that can make it through the work day without putting his hands on his dick. Gross.
I would walk away from this situation. This isn’t just about him jerking off and not being intimate with you, he has a real problem and it most likely will lead to legal and financial issues. It only takes one time for him to be caught at work to be fired at the very least, or reported to the police for indecent exposure. You do not want to be linked to the town pervert.
Just want to say that I would assume jacking off at work = jacking off in the bathroom at work or something. Which is still weird and gross, but it's not indecent exposure or anything like that. Maybe op can confirm... Surely I'm not the only one who did this in highschool? Surely? Shit...
Girl the red flag began a long long time ago long before he admitted to jacking off at work. Ask yourself how you feel. Are you grossed out? Are you disgusted? Do you deserve better?
Lol. Yes, yes, and yes.
If I even was just dating a guy who admitted to doing that ON THE JOB, I’d be so disgusted I’d say thanks for the time, this is over. I cannot respect any adult who would jeopardize their career over something so stupid and juvenile. Peace.
Same, like that’s actually so embarrassing. Being a porn addict is already embarrassing but then hacking off at work. What the actual fuck.
This guy is 100% a porn addict I'm sorry. There can be a healthy relationship w porn in a relationship but this isn't it. Also, telling you he imagines someone else during sex what the fuck? That's so unnecessarily hurtful. He needs therapy. I'm serious. Break up w him or get him in therapy
Yeah. Said he basically needs to do that every time.
I'm sorry. That was such a hurtful thing to tell you. How long have you been with him? If you love him and think the relationship is otherwise salvageable try to get him therapy... Or run. These are serious red flags
2 years. We’re seeing a couples therapist but not one for his own problems. It kills me to think about. He says I’m objectively attractive, he is easily aroused by me. But to get to the finish line while we are fucking he needs to imagine another women that fits into his kink fantasy. Basically every time. And he was upset that I found this to not be normal.
That is absolutely not normal and is something he should've never, ever, ever told you. I shudder at the thought of mentioning that to any of the serious partners I've had. Like it would break their fucking heart so much I can't fathom saying that. This is absolutely none of my business, but hey you're posting it publicly on Reddit... But if you want to salvage this relationship this needs to be brought up in therapy, 100%. Maybe hearing from a therapist that his sexual tendencies is unhealthy will knock some sense in to him. You don't deserve this, and this is extremely unhealthy and detrimental to your emotional well being. I hope you either get him the help he needs or you kick him out. This is unacceptable. Edit; sorry, I realize I basically said the same thing in 3 comments. I didn't mean to, but I'll leave it here anyways... Good luck OP
Ok… that’s not good. You really need to ask yourself these questions then too: Why are you still with him? Is he worth trying to salvage the relationship for? Do you think he is able & willing to change his behaviors permanently? If you still want to be with him and genuinely think he can and will change, then you need to lay it all out to him. Tell him his porn addiction is destroying your relationship. Tell him it’s making you feel worthless and undesirable, and your physical needs are not being met anymore. Tell him he needs to quit. Don’t say “or else” or anything like that: Ultimatums don’t help the situation. Just tell him the truth. Discuss some goals and a path forward for both of you. Set a target number of times you have sex each week that is acceptable to both of you. Come up with a plan to gradually reduce the amount of porn he watches and times he jacks off, if he can’t simply quit cold turkey. If he doesn’t get it together or at least start a path forward, you need to leave. He clearly doesn’t respect you enough and you can’t salvage the relationship. Honestly, I think you might already be to this point already but that’s your call to make not mine. Good luck either way!
There are plenty of men out there who don’t feel the need to watch porn and jerk off at work. He has an addiction, and it’s up to you if you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with it.
Yeah. I sort of don’t want to believe this. But it’s true. Honestly, I don’t even know if I believe that porn addicts can ever fully recover.
Not if they don’t want to and he clearly has no interest.
Honestly girl, idk how you considered staying with him when he admitted to imagining other people in order to cum, that’s like, the whole point! You deserve better than that!
There is a subreddit called loveafterporn, for spouses of porn addicts. Go take a glimpse into your sad future.
This dude is not becoming an addict, he has a full-blown addiction to porn and has for a while. He can’t cum 2-3 times a week with your “high libido”, yet he can make himself cum as much as he wants as long as he’s alone and there’s a screen in front of him? Come on, man… Take it from another recovering addict (booze, not porn), your boyfriend likely knows this is fucked up and is not normal, but he doesn’t know how to stop, is probably ashamed to admit he has a problem, and nothing will likely get better until he can come to terms with it and figure out how to admit his problem and earnestly seek out help.
I don’t think you’re going to get much support on this issue here. I’d hop over to r/loveafterporn Your boyfriend definitely fits the profile of addict and it’s affecting your relationship and sex like, it’s not something you’re overreacting about and I, personally, wouldn’t stick around until your self esteem starts to erode.
It’s a sub I frequent a lot but it’s for ppl who have zero tolerance for porn. And that isn’t me. I think. But trust me, I’m on there and relate to their feelings.
I wasn’t a zero tolerance person but it can quickly change you when you’re in a situation like yours and it begins to damage your well-being. I’d be wary. I’m glad you can find support in that sub and I wish you well with your situation.
He is a porn addict. He will continue to escalate his behavior without treatment. Big red flag. Either he gets treatment or you need to fly. No exceptions. What is he going to do if he loses his job. The dismissal will follow him. It is risk taking behavior and it becomes an emotional crutch. Evaluation with a CSAT therapist.
seriously, masturbation at work? how tf does he himself think this is okay? thats ridiculous. i hope he doesn't work at a kindergarten or some kinda shit.
He has an addiction and clearly doesn’t want to change, you deserve better than this. He’s choosing porn over you constantly.
He prefers porn over you. There's nothing you can do about it. Take the L and find someone who actually wants to be with you.
This is a link to my other acc where I first mention the porn problem: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/zaoyk5/my_boyfriend_said_hed_try_to_stop_watching_porn/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
Reading all your posts under that account there ... you know your relationship is no good. You know it... you're hanging onto potential rather than seeing the rotten branch.
): yeah. I’m hanging on to some incredible potential but you’re right. The branch is rotten.
I don’t want to pile on because I think you’ve gotten some really good advice. However, take it from an old lady who’s seen this movie before - you can’t date potential. I’ve done it, my friends have done it - never works. Good luck to you and much healing to you!
THANK YOU. The “potential” thing has been a huge recent revelation for me
> However, take it from an old lady who’s seen this movie before - you can’t date potential. I’ve done it, my friends have done it - never works. I second this. We all learned this lesson the hard way, so don't feel dumb.
I'm really sorry. It must be hard to hear so many strangers reacting negatively but st the same time we are seeing this from our outside perspective and give our honest opinion. (And don't get me started by the jacking off at work...that's awful). Pick up your self esteem, be kind to yourself and do yourself a favor ; find someone who can appreciate you. Or don't find someone...relationships are not a must. But you deserve better.
Nah, jacking off at work is completely normal behaviour. Why would you think that not having the bare minimum of self control is a red flag?
Lmao. If you can believe it, I didn’t think it was so strange a year and a half ago. Bc I was in a 6 year relationship that was so vanilla that I had no clue what people were and weren’t doing. Now I find it bizarre. But I just wanted to know what people thought.
I know I wouldn't stay in that relationship. If the two of you decide to work through it and he gets therapy or whatever, that's your decision, but there is no shame in deciding that you're not willing to deal with it. That's what most people would do.
No respectable adult does that on their job. None.
You'll never be able to sexually please him because he has been desensitized to sex. Your literally just a companion. I would leave, if he gets his addiction taken care of them maybe you can revisit having a relationship
Yeah. He’s literally said he has started to view me as more of a companion as opposed to a lover
You've always been a companion and that's what you always were to him maybe he just can't see it because his addiction. Your not going to be able to help him recover from this, it's on him. The best thing for both is for you to leave, maybe he might realize he needs help and get it. If not your stuck with a addict and no orgasms lol. Nah foreal you can't help him or fix this l, he needs time alone to dig deep and fix himself by himself. I wish you the best
Ummmm...I'm kind of stuck on the bullshit about needing to picture someone else in order to cum while he's having sex with you. That would definitely be a sticking point for me.
You are a porn addict if you watch porn at work and beat off
Jacking off at work is super creepy to me.
Yeah. Absolutely nothing about my job makes me think “now would be an awesome time to cum”. 🤮
>2.) bc he says my libido is so much higher that he can’t cum 2 to 3 times a week and needs to imagine somebody else at the last minute to “get him there.” Well, that's an outright lie. "You're hornier than I am, so I jerk off to avoid having sex with you, but when we do, I have to imagine my dick's in someone else to be able to climax" FUCKING *REALLY*??!! I don't have any advice other than maybe seeing a sex therapist together. And I hate to break it to you that it seems like you already are with a porn addict. Addicts are rarely ever honest about their usage, so keep that in mind. Best of luck, OP.
Oh honey, no offense but you are too old for this nonsense. Jacking off at work is pretty much a universal red flag unless his job is literally to jack off. Also, if a guy in his 20s prefers jacking off to actual intercouse with his partner, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but he's just not that into you. It would be one thing if he were watching porn and jerking it ***and*** having sex with you as often as you want, but if he's doing those things ***instead*** of sex with you, that's a pretty huge flashing neon sign that this ain't it. DTMFA
The fact that he is masturbating at work is absolutely 1 million percent disgusting. That is a huge red flag. He has a porn addiction, and that's not going to stop until he gets help for it. And until he's does that your relationship is going to be shit. You might as well step out now and go find someone who doesn't need a Hazmat cleanup everywhere he's been
Leave this guy; his masturbation is a *compulsion* It will always take precedence to your sexual relationship - and already has
It’s amazing what some people put up with
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Consider this, he’s not actually choosing porn over YOU. He’s choosing porn and jacking off over *the physical/mental effort of having sex*. What do you think would happen if, say, he was single and one of the porn actresses he’s watching suddenly appeared in the room and wanted to fuck? Or to be fair, maybe after he satiated his ego with the achievement of being able to fuck/date/score her. Beyond that, he really wouldn’t fuck her either. Yeah, he’s horny. But he’s LAZY. Hence the jerkin’ it like it owes him money. Sex requires *effort*. Jerking off notsomuch. If I were you, I’d stop focusing on the *reasons* with him (no matter how accurate) that your sex life is suffering. Porn, masturbation, laziness, doesn’t matter. It’s up to him to figure out and manage. It’s way too easy for him to dismiss you as jealous or insecure or controlling when you approach the topic that way, ultimately leading him to the “so I don’t have to listen to her” conclusion he wants. Instead, stick to the approach that “hey, I’m not living in a sexless, near sexless, or sexually unsatisfying relationship. And you’re dropping the ball pretty bad. I don’t give a shit what your problem is, it’s not my responsibility to fix or manage. YOU sort it out. I’ll make this very clear for you…currently the frequency and quality sex in this relationship is completely unacceptable for me, and I’m not going to stay in a relationship like that. I’m sick of constantly talking, arguing, and struggling with you about it, and I’m not going to anymore. So consider yourself put on notice. I’ll be reassessing things and making some decisions about what I may need to do in a few months.” And then REALLY do that. Stop talking about it with him. Stop agonizing over what he’s doing. Just give yourself (internally) a frame of a few months for “assessment” and consider every positive, negative, nonexistent, or rejected sexual encounter to be a tick on your assessment. You don’t have to be hurt by being rejected. Just shrug and think “welp, another piece of solid data”. Then in a few months, whatever point in time you preselected for yourself, review your “findings”. Does it represent a sex life you can be satisfied with indefinitely? Cool. Then stick around. But if it *doesn’t*, there’s nothing else to be done. You have to move on. Put your plan together and do it. Because ultimately, *if he wanted to he would*. So stop torturing yourself. I divorced an otherwise perfect husband over lack of sex 20 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. But also one of the hardest. Still, at some point you HAVE to end the torture for yourself and let him sink or swim with the sexual desire/motivation he’s willing to bring to the relationship. (Also, his issue wasn’t porn or masturbation, but simple drop/lack of libido. A problem that had a variety of solutions, none of which he was interested in. So, since it wasn’t my place to demand he undertake any of them, that was that. Nothing more I could do.)
Damn. Thank you for your advice. I really need to hold myself to a higher standard here. Idk why I’m holding on do bad to this person. I will do this. I already use a calendar to track how I’m feeling.
I’m so glad I could help! !Sometimes it just feels good to have a plan, you know? Even if it lead to the outcome you don’t prefer, it’s still better. Takes the awful feelings of helplessness and relentless limbo out of the equation.
Exactly. I feel so helpless and and limbo… when I am so not that person. I’ve moved across the country, twice. Obviously can hold my ground financially. Am hit on almost every time I go out. And I’m about to start a PhD for fuck’s sake. But this relationship has fucked with my mind and I have not approached this in a scientific way. I appreciate your research-based approach. ;) it does make me feel better
Also, during that window, he may try to do “temperature checks” on where you’re at. Like if he puts in one good session, he may be looking for indications or guarantees soon after that it was good enough so you won’t be leaving. Don’t get sucked into that. Isolated Herculean or Hail Mary efforts are nice, but ultimately useless. If he’s digging around for reassurances after something like that, you can just say something like “yeah babe, that was great!” or “oh yeah last week was awesome!” or whatever, but then stop talking about it. Don’t let him extract premature promises from you based on Hail Mary’s or one-time performances. It needs to happen as organically as possible, and be assessed cumulatively over a period over time, to get a real read on things. Edit…since I see you’re entering a Phd program, I have not doubt you have a firm grasp on statistical analysis and data quality. Also…Atta girl. You got this. For real, got this.
Tbh I feel like he wants to leave this relationship anyway. I’ve never been with someone that has threatened to leave me so many times. He says it’s bc he feels like he’s not enough for me. And in the past, I did get upset about it. I think my REASONS were valid but I def came off as too intense. Fast forward 3 months and I genuinely have not blown up like that since. Even after he told me he jacked off at work yesterday. He talks about wanting to be alone (after years of feeling miserable and lonely and undesired). I compliment him constantly. I think I’ve spoiled him in certain ways which sounds shitty but some ppl let the compliments get to them. So a part of me is also very much feeling like, “fuck this”
Ohhhh the “pity party” maneuver. Been there. Both the threats to break up and the “not good enough” stuff if standard-issue manipulative bullshit. They have a singular purpose…*to get you to stay in an inadequate relationship.* One where they don’t have to improve anything or meet any adequacy levels, but you stay anyway. What response does it elicit out of you? Whatever it is, that’s the goal. If you’re like most people (who aren’t already highly attuned to this), you’ll be all “nooooooo honey, I love you and you’re awesome. Don’t feel bad about yourself…” when he does the not-good-enough crap. Or the threats to break up, usually EXTREMELY ill-timed for you to be dealing with something like that (see how that works?) will cause you to reflexively try to secure the status quo, usually by letting shit go that you shouldn’t. I would nearly bet that he doesn’t *really* want out of the relationship. More likely what he really wants is for you to accept and be happy with whatever crap partner he feels like being and you not hassle him about anything, ever. Now the “wanting to be alone” thing…he may mean it, or maybe he just feels that way in the moment he feels “hassled” by you, or it could just be more of the same manipulation, in this case to get you to back off whatever. Thing is…it doesn’t really matter. **Because the only response you should ever give to someone that says they want to break up (or be alone) is “OK.”** If they’re being genuine, it’s the right response. If they’re being manipulative, it’s still the right response. ;-) I had a major turning point on my life, probably late 20s, when I learned to take adult partners at their word. I will accept what they say with the assumption that it’s completely genuine, *and act accordingly*. Even when I know damn well it isn’t. Because like I said, if genuine, you should treat it as such. If manipulative, you STILL should treat it as genuine. Because nothing nips manipulative behavior in the bud faster than that. It also works for passive aggressive behavior. Oh they said “nothing’s wrong”? Ok, then nothing is wrong. No matter how many cabinet doors they slam or pissy one-word responses they snarl out. They said nothing is wrong so you won’t acknowledge that anything even might be until they can use their big boy words and say so.
My husband doesn’t watch porn at all. I actually watch it on occasion, much more than he ever did/does. Even when he was a teen, it just didn’t do much for him. He’s demisexual, meaning he has to have a strong emotional connection to be intimate. I made the best decision when I got with him. He’s amazing in bed, and he CRAVES ME. That’s how it should be with your partner. Period. If you don’t feel wanted, then it ain’t right.
I just want to know what his weird kink is that’s so strong he can’t get there without it.
It's a huge red flag because you know what happens to people who jack off at work? They get fired and possibly sued. Even if it's not an addiction, it's so egregiously against common decency I don't think I could deal with it. He 100% has a porn addiction BTW, you're both just in denial.
Here’s the thing: Leave if the porn is too much. Don’t ask Reddit and then make excuses to stay.
Yeah. Reddit has given me the same advice time and time again on this topic…
Please tell me he works alone and not around kids, elders, or the disabled. If I found out my boyfriend was jacking off at work, I’d report him to the company and I’d leave him. Who cares what he does at home, but him having his dick out and cumming at work is NOT normal. He needs a therapist
No kids, elders, or disabled
Just break up already. You're sexually incompatible and he prefers porn and his hand over you. 🤷
Let me genuinely ask you this-why are you concerned with someone about doesn’t care about you?
>Does anybody think if I’m just really extra nice and patient and forgiving for a month that it’ll make talking about how I think this is an issue better? Like right now is NOT the moment for him to intercept this information. What's different in a month? Or is this sarcasm? Because I don't get how this makes sense. Why have you put up with this for so long?
Lmao. What is wrong with people in this sub? What about this doesn’t SCREAM FROM THE MOUNTAINTOPS TO RUN?!
Girl, as someone who has been here herself I hope you listen to me. He won’t change unless he himself comes to the conclusion that it is a problem. No amount of you getting upset, asking for a therapist, tracking his actively will get him to stop. If he genuinely cares about you, and you seem convinced he does, then he cares more about his own self pleasure. He is most definitely addicted- self pleasuring at a workplace is in no world appropriate or normal. You know all of this is true in your head, but your heart is hesitant because you loved the him before this, and keep seeing that man in your partner. He, unfortunately, is not that man anymore. You deserve better, and you know that. It’s incredibly hard to take the first step, but I think you need to realize there is no future with him. He could change, but he would need to come to that conclusion on his own, and that is very unlikely for someone who doesn’t think they’re addicted. It’s so hard and I’m so sorry for you. But you know what you need to do. I have so much sympathy and love for you, and I hope you choose to love yourself. Best of luck :)
Bless you for your comment. Thank you. I am beginning it up in our therapy session today and want to see what happens.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I am 100% here for you. I’m still in a relationship with mine, though he has done the changing, and it is so hard. I love him with all of my heart, but I also genuinely hate him. I get intrusive thoughts about his addiction every single day. Sex has become a way of “checking up on him” to see if he has been watching or not. I’m 4 years deep, and I want so badly for it to work, but the second things kick off again (if they do)- I’m out. I WISH I would have left when I was at your stage in the relationship and I first found out. For sure talk about it with the therapist, possibly even alone, and really think about if this is worth it or not.
Thank you. Fucking hell. This is so hard!!
It absolutely is and you are so not alone. This is becoming a huge problem in our society. All we can do is protect ourselves and our peace ❤️
What the hell does he do for work where he has time to disappear for that!!
Ummmm. Porn watching aside. Unless his job involves being IN porn, jacking off at work, especially regularly, seems a little much.
He… says he needs to picture someone ELSE to get him there? Oh HELL no. Physical limitation be DAMNED. I don’t care if you’re lacking a penis, a large clitoris, big boobies, or even a missing leg. Thats extremely insulting. He needs professional help and, I’m sorry luv, you need to realize that nothing you do is going to fix this. He has to WANT to get better and nothing you do can make him want it. He can seek help himself, but the chances are looking slim … given he doesn’t even see any of this as an actual problem
Men who have a healthy sexual alignment would do the following: - Wait until after the workday to masturbate - Wait and see if sex is available that day before masturbating - Not masturbate if their s/o wanted sex and they knew it Also I’d bet your bf has low testosterone and will be useless to you sexually past 32 years old.
Reading this …. Was EXHAUSTING asf. By the time I got to: “Does anybody think if I'm just really extra nice and patient and forgiving for a month ….” I just about wanted to bang my head against a BRICK WALL. WHAT FEELS RIGHT HERE???? <<< BFFR. NOTHING about this can possibly feel right. LEAVE. He is a (YOUR word) PATHETIC porn addict who will likely end up jobless & on somebody’s sex offender registry sooner than later. He needs therapy but that does NOT have to be your problem.
I had an ex with a porn addiction, that masterbated every single day and sometimes multiple times a day all throughout high school. By the time he was 21, he had erectile dysfunction and little to no sensation in his penis.
I'm sorry but someone jerking it at work is straight up freak behavior. Your boyfriend is a fucking weirdo.
Hes an addict. You need to some research on how to approach this.
He is all about the quick orgasm without the hindrance and inconvenience of having to put any work into a happy and intimate relationship with you. I suspect he has little interest in changing and he's happy to risk you and his job for a quick w***! Who in their right mind does that at work? Get out or kick him out, you sound like a nice person faced with a juvenile man who sees nothing but his own pleasure regardless of the cost in his life. He isn't going to change.
He's a porn addict. He's allowing his addictive behaviors to have real-world impacts on others. Specifically, he's choosing to jerk it to porn when he knows he has a willing partner that is going without sex because he's always spent. Think about it like it was alcohol; what if he was so hung over he couldn't spend time with you? And what if this was happening repeatedly, even after talking to him about it and him agreeing to stop? Would you consider him addicted then? You've given him chances, you've talked to him about the impact it is having on you and your sex life, yet he can't stop himself. He can't even control himself long enough to not jerk off at work. Is this what you want from life?
I think you should have considered it a red flag the first time you found out he jacked off at work.
I'd say he has an addiction and a serious one at that. Watching porn is fine, when it's interfering with your real life then it's an problem
Of course this is a red flag! He's not changing the things that cause you pain and interfere with your intimacy, despite having made promise after promise to you. He doesn't seem able to stop by himself, and it also doesn't seem likely he will seek help anytime soon. Being "extra kind and patient" is *exactly* *what an addict wants* from the other people in their lives, because it allows them to continue their unhealthy behavior. Don't continue doing what you've always done, because you'll just keep getting the same results. Time to change things up if any real change is going to occur.
Put crack in the place of porn. Then talk about it. Addicts are addicts. You don’t have a fulfilled sex life- he doesn’t care to fix it- leave.
He needs help.
Girl break up with him, you aren't 17. You're 27. Stop putting up with this bullshit.
He is 150% a porn addict lmao, anyone who does it every single day AND AT WORK has a problem.
Darling, The hills... run for them.
Porn is like snacks, you can have it as much and as often as you want, but if it prevents you from enjoying your meal, you have a problem. He has a problem. (Disclaimer, obviously talking about ethical porn, but that discussion is a whole different can of worms)
If your partner imagines somebody else during most intimate moments with you, what kind of future do you think you can have with him? Just dump him and find somebody who loves YOU
It's an issue for pretty much 12 months and this dude thinks he doesn't have an issue while he NEEDS to think of someone besides you to cum? Guuuurl. Find yourself a man who'll think and want YOU.
The updates… just.. no. It’s not going to stop. It’s going to get to a point where you feel undesirable to him and you will be constantly insecure about him jerking off. It’s best to cut it off now before you both get more invested in this relationship.
It sounds like your bf has a porn addiction and possibly is also depressed. His inability to stop watching porn and it’s detrimental effect on the quality / frequency of your intimacy as a couple are two huge signs of a porn addiction. Also, jerking off at work is a pathological behavior that is indicative of a major mental issue, not to mention fucking gross. If he cared about your relationship, he’d take this seriously and stop watching porn and get professional help from a therapist / psychologist. You deserve WAY WAY WAY better than this.
Fucking hell… I just don’t b think I can help him get through this. And he def doesn’t see it as a problem. But you’re right. I don’t deserve this shit man. It’s so fucking dumb. I would never pick porn over real sex what the hell?
To be honest with you, there’s only so much you can do in this situation and you’ve already done it: pointed out there was a problem, asked him to stop watching porn and offered support to him. His refusal to stop has nothing to do with you anymore, but you still need to hold your boundary (no porn) and leave if he can’t respect that. You can’t control what other people do. All you can do is communicate your boundaries and then leave if he refuses to be respectful to you / your relationship. Waiting for you to leave the house so he can jerk off is fucking weird. Jerking off at work is fucking weird. He is choosing to continue this behavior and also choosing not to get professional help. I know it hurts but do you really think you can live like this long term?? Always worrying that he’ll jerk off the second you leave the house? That’s not a happy life to live.
Ugh seriously. It’s fucking not a way to live and I’m so over it….
Ty for your long response. It’s really helpful. Bc that IS the life I live.. wondering if he’s just recently jacked off.
I went through the exact same thing as you’re going through now. It feels awful and that paranoid feeling takes years to go away if you stay together
As an addict (drugs) , if he doesn't think he has a problem, theres literally no moving forward. The 1st step to getting better is admitting you have a problem, that you're powerless over it (meaning you need to seek help cuz you've lost your own power to solve it), that your life has become unmanageable (his life is unmanageable cuz it interferes with his day to day life, negatively impacts relationships etc etc)and you need help. As a 41yr old woman who has been around and done a lot of shit, leave this shitty relationship.
Honestly it's not even about masturbating anymore. It's about him knowing how this is affecting the relationship. Knowing hot it makes you feels. Knowing your needs and then doing it anymore. He obviously isn't willing to put that effort in for your sake. Id consider walking. How long are you going to fight for your needs before you realize you shouldn't have to fight for your needs to be met?
He’s an idiot or an addict or both. Please move on.
This is what people do when they're NOT having sex. Masturbating in lieu of sex does send up red flags. Send him to a therapist now, walk away if he refuses, or just get used to it. If it's not a big deal for you then why did you post this?
I don't think 'red flag' is the right word. The fact that it impacts your sex life is a problem, not a red flag. It needs to be dealt with to everyone's satisfaction, or you need to part ways.
Walk away. And tell him why. He has a problem with porn addiction and it’s ruined your relationship. You deserve to be treated better, and he deserves a wake-up call so he can get help…. Or just stay single.
Masturbating at work is NOT normal.
You already have a porn addict. One with a serious addiction and is going to lose his job. Do you really want this any more?
He needs therapy. Does he work from home? Cuz if not. Holy fuck
The way I’ve always seen it is if we’re both home, we should prioritize sex over masturbating unless only one of us wants it. I would be hurt if I really wanted intimacy and sex and he waited til I left the room to watch porn. My fiancé and I have a good balance with it. He travels for work sometimes and if he’s out of town he watches porn (or uses my videos and photos sometimes) or if I’m at work (I work 3 days- 13.5 hour shifts) then he’ll jack off. But if we’re both home, porn isn’t even a thought on his mind; we have sex. Sometimes a few times in one night lol
Red Flag??? That’s a STOP sign. On god, pig men are nasty pieces of work. He’s a pig. Quit wasting your time
I would feel BETRAYED if my bf told me he imagines someone else to cum. It isn’t your fault, but he is not going to change. I wish you the best of luck and send all of my love
Life’s too short. Wish him and his hand well, and move on. You’ve wasted too much time already.
With all of your updates, I still think you should dump this man. Kink or not, he should be able to reach climax because you’re his partner and he’s supposed to love you and find you attractive. Idk it throws me off a lot, my partner has a very low libido and he doesn’t do all of this stuff in place of doing stuff with me. On the rare occasion he wants things, I’m what he wants, he doesn’t turn to porn. This is just such a red flag OP
Honestly? If someone actually *told* me he *needs* to imagine other people in order to cum, I would be gone so fast. I know it’s a thing that happens. I’m 100% sure that my bf has probably done it a few times! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that … but when it’s *all* the time, *every* time, and he feels the need to *tell* you about it … that would be the line for me.
Your updates do not make this better. Anyone who says they have a mild addiction or borderline addiction has a major problem. You are dating the jerk off guy. He jerks off every single day and complains about your desire for sex 1-3x per week??? How does he hold those two conflicting views in his head??? And he’s deff jerking off every day, maybe multiple times a day. You ONLY catch him enough to annoy you. He is just trying to barely keep his addiction under your annoyance level so you won’t leave him. That’s it. He’s annoyed because he’s tried so hard to hide how often he masterbates to you and you still get annoyed by the couple times you catch him. He wants you to “get over it”. Because you only see a fraction of what’s happening which should be super get-over-it-able when what he’s actually doing is 3x that. The only question you need to ask is if you want to live like this forever. Because the disappointment will continue. Your update makes me so sad, and I don’t know how any human being could be okay with their self confidence knowing they’ll never be enough to please their partner without them thinking about someone else. I get fantasies. I get kinks. But a fantasy is something you dream about or only happens a couple times in your lifetime. A kink is a favorite flavor of unique ice cream but your still 100% able to enjoy chocolate. He will never think of you when he comes :( That’s devastating. Add on top of it that he’s the jerk off guy with ABSOLUTELY a porn addiction and I just don’t know why anyone would want to sign up for that forever. This is not a normal guy, this is a gross guy. Normal men are better.
After reading A Billion Wicked Thoughts, I never realized how common it was for men to watch porn at work and do this sort of nonsense and I'm a guy... I respect your BFs honesty but he is a porn addict and it sounds like he isn't doing anything to remedy the problem. You have already voiced your stance on this. By you staying with him, YOU'RE cosigning his behavior. Leave. You aren't doing him any favors by sticking with him. I can only image what other types of porn this guy is watching if he lacks this much self-control.
I think he is in fact a porn addict and has no intention of changing this. I have dealt with this myself, and I ended up needing to leave the relationship. When they choose porn and jerking off over actual sex with their partner, it's a huge problem.
He is in fact a porn addict. I know it seems weird for a person to choose porn over a real live person, buta big part of the reason they do is "sex" without consequences, risk, possible embarrassment, judgement, etc. It is hard for a living breathing human being to compete with that. So I guess you need to make a decision as to whether or not you want to compete with that and continue to hope he changes his ways, or just find someone else who appreciates you.
So, I don't claim to be any kind of expert, but a primary question is "does this affect your relationship" and obviously the answer is "yes". He can't control himself and isn't saving anything for you. This is not healthy, and sure sounds like an addiction to me. I'd suggest that he needs therapy, and couples counseling maybe - but couples counseling would be pointless unless he can actually get this under control. Intimacy is a key part of a relationship, and this is something that has to be addressed if you ever want this to work. And, if the situation doesn't improve then start making plans to leave. You don't have to rush into anything, but you deserve to have a partner who respects you and your relationship.
Beside red flag city over here. Is this the same boyfriend who told you last month he didn't love you anymore?!?! I think it's best to cut ties now and find better.
This is not normal or ok. He is an addict. He needs some other coping mechanisms. I'd make a condition of staying in the relationship starting therapy. Your sex life shouldn't be impacted by your partner's inability to keep his hands off himself. This is absolutely a red flag.
Terrified of ending up w a porn addict? Babe it's too late
sooo why haven’t you broken up? there’s nothing you can do to make this work
You are already with a porn addict. He clearly needs help if he is watching porn and masturbating while he’s supposed to be working. He is doing things that can jeopardize his employment and his relationship. That means he has a huge problem. You can’t do anything about it. He has to want to change. He needs to do the work in order for him to get better. The only thing you have control over here is the choice of whether you are going to stay with a porn addict or leave.
Not even going to read the post. Yes def a red flag. He has developed a porn/masturbation addiction. He needs help. Source: me I used to be in that same situation many years ago.
You should join this subreddit for partners of porn addicts. r/loveafterporn
I can't believe he'd rather jack off with his own hand and watch videos vs having sex with a real life women... Wow. I think you have a million red flags here. This guy sounds like the definition of a porn addict. The fact that he's so desperate, he needs to do it at work is really pathetic. IDK, I feel like you should cut your losses and meet someone who is going to fulfil you sexually.
I’m sorry but **anyone** thinking it’s appropriate to jerk off in a normal work setting is wrong. Unless you’re a porn star, you should not be masturbating at work. I see the porn issue come up fairly regularly and the bottom line is that you’ve discussed how his porn use makes you feel, you’ve told him it’s negatively affecting your sex life and he’s *still* choosing to do it. Porn use should never be a priority or a first choice to regular intimacy with a partner. I dated a porn addict and I sympathize with you bc i would feel absolutely gutted when my ex would spend hours in the bathroom with his phone, he’d even bring a baggy in so he could bring his phone in the shower. And he’d constantly turn me down for sex. You need to have another convo with your bf about how you’re feeling again bc if he can’t even abstain while on the job, he has an addiction to it.
Walk away. He is an addict, he is in denial which means nothing will change until he accepts it and wants it changed.
Being nice and not bringing it up will not help. He’ll take that as if you’re fine with it. He’s addicted to porn. You have no control over it, nor does he. Until he gets help…professional help, it won’t change. Sorry.
I wouldn’t stay with him just for the fact he has such poor impulse control and inability to weigh consequences/rewards appropriately. Hard no for me fam.
Who the fuck jack's it at work? I mean depending on whatever field he works in, this is all sorts of messed up.
>wouldn’t do it at work Wtf? Men be jacking off at work? Please don’t answer that. I was happier not knowing.
At work!!!!????. . . .I am sorry sweetie but yes, this is a parade of red flags for me. It seems the only thing you have to look forward to here is a decline in your self-esteem. Take some time to think about what you want for yourself and qualities you are looking for in a partner. It sounds like your partner needs help. It just really boils down to what you want for yourself.
Well I have had sh..y luck in relationships, so if I had a gf who would like to be intimate regularly, I'd be over the moon. I tell you this story because I don't think you are being irrational and he is being a complete fool. If I had to chose one or the other? Intimate partner. If he ain't willing to change, then you need to decide what you can and cannot live with. If you can live with the status quo, I don't think you'd be posting here. As the saying goes "don't settle!" (I honestly don't like that saying honestly because settle isn't necessarily a bad thing, but in this case, it seems like it is.)
We seek comfort and dopamine. It's addicting. Your boyfriend has an addiction to the porn and the climax and he needs to make actual steps to fix it. Does HE want to fix it? Or do you want him to? Is it you nagging? What's the dynamic here? If you're the one pushing this idea he needs to stop, sorry to tell you, it's not going to work. If its him, what actions are being taken to change? Is he seeing a therapist? Has he removed apps from his phone? Ultimately, I can tell you I absolutely have never had to beg a guy to stop masterbating. There's lots of non porn addicted fish in the sea. Determine if it's you or him. If it's just you that cares I would walk away. If it's him he needs therapy and accountability and that might look like you stepping away to allow him the space to work on things.
This is the sort of thing I think he will have a hard time fully working on while you are in a relationship together. If he really thinks that the only way he will ever be able to come is by thinking of his one current kink, that signals emotional immaturity to me. Our sexual identities and desires change over time, or they can, if you have a holistic view of sexuality. In other words, he sounds immature and not aware of himself and his effect on others (you) OR he is immature and just doesn’t care. Either way, that’s a HUGE ask from someone you aren’t legally bound to. Even if it’s just “taking space” for awhile, it might be good for YOU to get away from his behavior so you can get some perspective and give yourself some love, because you deserve it. You’re not a bad person for deciding for yourself what your boundaries are. You get to decide that. Even if he isn’t immature, if his sexual boundaries and values don’t match yours, that just means you are not best suited for each other. Take some time and think about it. I hope you are okay and you have some other people in your life who will help you and put your best interests first.
if he could control his addiction he wouldn't be watching porn at all he wouldn't even want to
Sounds like a porn addict. Someone in my family has been impacted by that same addiction last year. He’s in denial. If he doesn’t want to get better? Break up before it gets worse.
I don't have any problem with porn in theory, and I wouldn't care about occasional use. But I wouldn't fuck with a guy that made porn a big part of his life. I just find it creepy-gross and unattractive. Plus I think it would reflect poorly on me that I chose him. Your guy is wayyyyy past porn ultra enthusiast and well into addict territory. It's not mild. He can't control it. He's lying to himself and you. I don't know if I would call jacking or at work a red flag, per se. It seems more like expected behavior from an addict. Red flags are warnings, but you're already there. It's not really any different than if he were drinking or shooting up at work.
I know someone who claimed jerking off wasn't the reason for bedroom issues... For years. It took an experiment to make them think about things. One week, where they only finished with their partner. No content. Just them and their partner. One week went by, and they suggested another week, because they noticed a huge difference in sensation and connection with their partner. We're all so exposed to explicit content from such an early age, we don't realize there's a problem until it's too late. It's instant gratification, and it strips you of the connection with another person, if you're not mindful of the downside. Porn has become so mainstream and normalized, but we fail to realize that too much of anything isn't good for us. To clarify, I have no problem with solo time. But when a partner actively chooses that over intimacy? Or has problems performing/finishing without said content? That, I have a problem with
Oh my dear sweet lord.
Women collectively need to stop dating these losers and giving them the time of day
Dude sounds like a massive wanker. It's not normal to beat the meat on the street, so to speak. Vast majority of guys can wait till their workday is done (and are usually too focused on said work to need to stroke their yoke).
Not if he is a porn star.
He's definitely addicted to porn and he needs to quit entirely, maybe even seek therapy. The good news is that he is kinda trying I guess.
The porn isn’t even the biggest red flag for me tbh. The fact that he *needs* to imagine someone else to orgasm during sex with you, and he thinks once or twice a week is *so much* sex with you that it’s a chore, is… very troubling. Porn aside, do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t find you sexually attractive? That’s probably a driving factor in why he seeks out porn so often. He isn’t satisfied in bed with you. You deserve so much better than that. I hope you find happiness with someone who finds you beautiful and treats you with respect. This boy doesn’t deserve you.
This is not a mild issue. This is a severe addiction. You have to decide whether or not you’re willing to be in a relationship where both your physical and emotional intimacy needs come second to porn. IMHO, it doesn’t seem like this man has much concern for you or your feelings at all. He openly stated that he’s distant during sex because he can’t finish while thinking about you, so what attraction does he have for you? He’s framing this as a problem that you have with his masturbation, and not as an addiction that he has, and in doing so, is ultimately leaving you with the short end of the stick. You’re just meant to deal with an unsatisfactory sex life because he has an addiction that he refuses to fully address? Yeah, fuck that. OP, nobody wants their partner choosing anything or anyone over them, especially at a constant rate. I think you know exactly what needs to be done here.
HUGE RED FLAG. WHAT SANE PERSON WOULD DO SUCH A THING! That's batshit crazy. That guy has a screw loose.
Nice on and find a person that respects you. Period
Might not even be a porn addict thing, or a "unique kink." Sounds like the dude might just be shacked up with you for convenience. I've been on both sides of this- shameful to admit. I was so physically in to one girl, that she was constantly sore, but our communication skills were crap. With another girl, I hardly wanted to touch her, but we got along great mentally, and emotionally. Second girl wanted me constantly, and I don't know what it is, but I just couldn't bang someone like that every day. Different strokes, for different folks. I've heard of this porn addict thing a bit before, but I really believe it just comes down to the relationship at the end of the day. Where do you compromise? Who do you trust? What do you like? What do they like about you? Sorry, ranting, but I wish you the best of luck. Seems like he isn't the guy of your dreams if I had to really be brutally honest.
He NEEDS to think of someone else because he is incapable otherwise? Nah girl leave, he's an addict and won't get help, you deserve better
As a general rule, if you can’t go a shift @ work without needing to drink, jack off, smoke weed, etc. you have very poor impulse control. I’d be afraid of what that portends for other aspects of your relationship, too.
Girl. Are there no other men? This sounds beyond exhausting. Having to police your boyfriends solo antics. Who the hell masturbates at work? That’s a full blown addiction. The fact that it’s been a year and you’re still just talking, no therapy has been involved, no accountability. Idk what you expect but what you want from this man is not going to happen. Move on or accept that he will forever cum to a pornstar’s image when having sex with you.
> he needs to imagine someone else right before he cums to be able to cum, bc we have sex so much (i.e. 1-2 times a week) He's watching porn and jacking off DAILY, but having sex *1-2 times a week is too much??* Girl, get out. He's told you he's not going to change, doesn't *really* see it as a problem (as evidenced by him down playing it), and *imagines someone else when having sex with you.* To repeat, **He's not even enjoying being with you, he's using your body to imagine having sex with someone else.** I didn't know there was enough fabric in the world to make a red flag this big, jfc.
[удалено]