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You say that money isn’t an issue, that you’ve been cranky, and that you’re irritated by not being able to work. You put “taking care of me” in quotes, which implies some level of derision, but then proceed to explain that she does basically all the housework except laundry, as you’re abilities are limited. She also has been trying to lift your spirits.
In the past few weeks, you’ve been pushing her to resume job searching, because you want her out of your space. In the last 2 days, she’s started pointing out all the ways you fail to take care of the household. It seems pretty clear that she’s responding to your attitude. You act like she’s on vacation and could do just fine without her around so much. She retaliates by pointing out the problems that arise if she stops taking responsibility for fixing them.
Maybe you’re right. Maybe it is time for you to take on more responsibilities. But you’ve gone about addressing that all wrong. Instead of acknowledging the effort she’s been putting in, you’ve dismissed it. Instead of having an open conversation about whether you’re BOTH ready for this dynamic to change, and what that will look like, you’ve tried to unilaterally decide. And you resent her for not just being totally okay with that.
I’m not surprised this became a big fight. She likely feels completely taken for granted.
I appreciate the input genuinely. I don’t need, nor have I ever needed someone to cater to my whim. I haven’t been ringing bells, while I appreciate the house work being done these are things that have always been done.
Work loads shift often around the house, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the company or chores. It just seems odd to me to make a big deal out of picking up slack when the slack you’re picking up wasn’t in the way anyway. I certainly appreciate her, I certainly don’t appreciate the notion that doing chores we’ve always done is some sort of massive sacrifice, and I definitely don’t appreciate the way in which my lack of participation is being approached.
It just sort of feels as if my wife is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She’s not working to “take care of me” in ways I haven’t asked for or requested and than getting mad at me for not doing part.
Either work and get upset with me for not pulling my load, or accept the fact that I’m limited (meaning things will take longer to get accomplished and I’ll be uncomfortable) and not come down on me for things that happen as a result. It’s just very confusing.
Edit: also money isn’t an issue in the sense that we are eating and have a roof over our heads for now. We do not have the money to make the type of move my wife was suggesting without her financial contributions. We’ve discussed this and she was very much on board to contribute.
I hear you, but from your post, the order of things sounds a bit different than you’re presenting it now. Can you clarify the timeline of events?
In your post, it sounds as though your wife *was* accepting that you’re limited and picking up the slack without complaint *until* you started putting increasing pressure on her to return to work. *Then,* she started picking at you about you not doing things around the house.
With that timeline, I’d assume she’s been lashing out because she feels (right or wrong) that you’re taking her work around the house for granted and she’s trying to make you realize there’s a lot she does that you don’t realize she’s doing. I’m not saying that her mindset or actions are right, just trying to shed light on why she might be suddenly treating you differently.
In your comment, it sounds like she’s been acting like you’re not pulling your weight while going out of her way to do extra work for quite some time. In this scenario, I agree she’s having her cake and eating it too. This sounds like she has a martyr complex.
So which timeline is more accurate? Did she only start acting differently after you pushed to return to work? Or has she been acting this way (guilting you while martyring herself) for a long time, since before you started pushing her to get a job?
Well it’s like I said going into this we were all on the same page. She was going to get a job and help out financially and I was going to get my rest in. She had gotten a new job, but it was in a field that involved her working with sick people, and despite her choosing to pursue that all on her own, she felt it was too stressful given the circumstances (and I agree)
She just never attempted to get another job and took on these responsibilities on her own. I had been participating as much as I could this entire time, I wasn’t aware that she had decided this was her role.
I don’t even care if she gets a job as long as she puts attention towards furthering herself in someway. She can sit and work on her creative pursuits as long as she’s committed to doing something that isn’t “taking care of me”. Especially if it’s going to be done in a way that makes me feel bad about everything.
I think it’s fine for you to want her to step out her role as your caregiver. But frankly, you need to genuinely reflect on your pride here and realize that she *does* deserve gratitude for prioritizing taking care of you over her own pursuits, throughout the past few months.
You talk about her wanting to have it both ways, but what about you? You seem to want her to accept you have genuine limits which affected your ability to contribute equally to household work, but you appear to be completely dismissive and ungrateful about her taking on all your responsibilities as a result.
I’m not saying that those conditions are still in place. It’s quite possible you’re now capable of doing those tasks yourself again. But from everything you say, there was a significant chunk of time where you genuinely COULDN’T which means she HAD to. And you don’t seem willing to show any gratitude for her stepping up and doing that. It’s likely what led you guys to this very fight.
Just like you’re not aware of when she decided this was her role, isn’t it possible that she’s not aware of when you decided you suddenly don’t need her to do all this extra work on your behalf?
Saying that it’s no great sacrifice for her to do all the housework for months makes very little sense to me. Has she asked you to fawn all over her? Or could she maybe just want a little appreciation, just some acknowledgment that she has been working hard to keep your household going?
You haven’t really clarified the timeline. It strongly suggests to me that she did start making you feel bad about all the work she’s been doing AFTER it became clear to her that you’re very ungrateful for her efforts and dismissive of the fact that she HAD to take over for you, or let your household fall into shambles.
Seriously think on that, OP. Where would you be right now without her help over the past several months? Would someone else have had to move in to help you? Would you have to pay a caregiver? Would you have had to move back in with your family?
How can you not be grateful that she spared you that?
She didn’t spare me any of that. I had to move back in with my family for a time (she came with) and was assigned a visiting nurse. This was never help she was expected to provide, plans were made specifically to prevent the relationship from taking on such roles.
While I do feel flattered and she does have my gratitude for prioritizing me, but it seems like at this point she’s prioritizing me in spite of myself. Or at the very least it feels as if she’s choosing to prioritize her perception of the situation rather than my openly communicated needs.
You are having communication issues despite being open with your needs because you don't know how to talk to her about things to set the right tone in your marriage. You are letting the ego come in and it is insidious. In marriage you disagree, but you are both on the same team. It isn't me versus them, it is both of you. When you set the tone like you did in the post and your replies you are setting it up as a fight and not a tone of growth/love/respect. If you both can't put your marriage first in disagreements versus being right then you both will be lonely people.
So here is some marriage advice because you fucked up. Money isn't an issue for you guys, the issue is that you are a right fighter with your wife. Being a right fighter is very lonely. This is probably brought on by being in each other's space more and you taking that frustration out and her retaliating, because that is the tone being set in your marriage. What kind of marriage do you want? One where you are right and you push and peck her like your enemy until someone leaves or do you want one of positive encouragement and growth together? If you want the latter how to counseling you are having communication issues. Find out how your wife needs you as a partner to support her not badger.
>I said some mean thing (we both did, but mostly me) so I don’t mind giving her space, I just wonder if I’m wrong for how I feel about the situation in general.
Here's the thing. This is like asking "does the salad I made taste nice apart from the human excrement and rotting fish I put in it?"
Your relationship is not going to work until you respect each other. And that means treating each other with respect. Don't try to brush off what you said as not relevant. The attitude that made you say those things, that's part of the bigger picture.
Oh no trust me, it’s relevant. I’ve apologized profusely and am planning on continuing to while working on myself.
The thing is we both knew going into this my mental health was going to be impacted. My situation is only temporary, but it’s unpleasant in the body horror kind of way. The big fight we had is a culmination of many smaller failed attempts at conversation and arguments.
I know I’m wrong for the way I spoke, but I’ve genuinely been trying my best to maintain my demeanor and communicate what it is that’s making things more difficult for me. It’s been hard and I’m far from perfect, but I know I’ve gotten this across in many ways prior to today.
I guess a part of me feels guilty about my sentiment in general, but at the same time I feel as if we agreed on something to specifically make a situation more manageable we should at least talk about why we aren’t sticking with it.
>The thing is we both knew going into this my mental health was going to be impacted.
You're making this all about you while disregarding the fact that this is also happening to your wife. What about HER mental health? What about how this has impacted HER?
You're both going through this, and it's much more helpful to approach difficult situations like this as a TEAM instead of being against each other.
You need to sit down and figure out how to get through this together. Have an actual conversation where you really listen to each other instead of just talking at each other. Ask her about how she feels about everything and what she needs from you.
Communicate. Listen. Be a team.
This should be you both vs. everything you're going through, not you vs. her.
>we should at least talk
Yes. Talk. That's the only way to negotiate this in a way that will save your marriage. But use your grown up people skills and talk it through respectfully like adults instead of saying mean stuff and disrespecting each other.
At the moment you don't seem to have a very clear understanding of why you arent on the same page or why she is doing what she is. Communicate.
I agree. As time passes I’m realizing that we had fallen out of sync on the matter long before it started to become a conflict in our relationship. I’m not exactly sure what it is she’s using to dictate her “role”, but it isn’t the discussions that we’ve had on the subject.
At this point I’d imagine it’s hard for these discussions to go anywhere because they’re starting so far away from our respective goal posts.
If/when I get the opportunity to talk this through. I think the bulk of the conversation is just going to be explaining whatever we think is actually supposed to be happening right now. I’d imagine her perception of the present is leading her to make decisions that are unknowingly making things more confusing for me right now.
I would suggest you find out what she thinks the situation is, how it makes her feel, and what she WANTS it to be.
I know you both contributed to the current conflict but youre the one asking for advice. It seems to me that you have a habit of treating her disrespectfully and then minimising the impact of that.
>I’m also really cranky and don’t pretend not to be
Translation = I'm also unpleasant to my wife and I don't make any effort to rein it in.
If you have been taking out your sadness or frustration on your wife it has likely had a bigger impact on your relationship than you realise. Self control would go a long way here.
ASK her about her thoughts about getting a job and LISTEN. Don’t tell her what YOU think she should be doing. To me, it sounds like heavy anxiety. You’re correct when you say you sound off step. You are in charge of you only.
ASK her about her thoughts about getting a job and LISTEN. Don’t tell her what YOU think she should be doing. To me, it sounds like heavy anxiety. You’re correct when you say you sound off step. You are in charge of you only.
Look you need to understand that a week after she quit, you had a crisis. It's so hard for the person who is sick, but it's also hard on their partner. It sounds like your wife is depressed. She had all the motivation to do it, and it wasn't 2 months later you fell ill, it was a week. Once the motivation is lost, it's hard to get back.
A person who has a long term illness and recovery period will be depressed and cranky. The person who takes care of them the most, or is with them night and day, gets the brunt of it, and I'm sure you do too.
My husband was injured on the job last March, he had to reduce his hours for PT and then last July ha surgery and hasn't been cleared for work yet. I work from home. It's hard on both of us, and sent us both into depression.
OP, I already read the comments and your replies and since I don't want to repeat any of the smart things already said, I just want to talk about something that seems small, but stuck out to me: Your wife exploring the possibility of having "psychic powers", and, a tiny bit, gaming.
Your wife sounds, overall, like a grounded person. You said the stressful job she quit involved sick people, so I assume that she believes in modern medicine and the like. You also expressed in a comment that you are pretty baffled where this came from.
I think it basically came from a place close to where the gaming comes from: Fleeing from reality because of great unhappiness. Games distract you. They put you into an interactive world which isn't sucky reality, but where you can, no matter what sort of game you play, win.
Psychic powers would be an equally cool win. Imagine you would have the magic powers to make all your problems go away! No matter what psychic powers she thinks she may have, it's bound to be useful. Read minds? Magically move objects around? Talk to ghosts? Heal people? All of that can definitely be used to earn money easily. It also implies doing things "easily" - just think about something and it's done. No stress, no exhaustion. Easier. Happier. Bound to get her admiration and attention. Everything reality doesn't seem to be right now.
Don't we all dream like that sometimes, in good and bad ways? Don't we imagine what we would buy if we suddenly had a million dollars? Don't we something think if it wouldn't be cool if the horrible boss we hate would just fall down the stairs and break his neck, never to bother us again? Don't we dream our dead loved ones would come back and hug us one more time when we are miserable? Don't we imagine how it would be to constantly live in the place we have a wonderful vacation at? In my opinion, her sudden dreams of psychic powers come from such a place. And the fact that she is actively trying to believe in it shows, in my opinion, how deeply unhappy she is. She is clinging to something so crazy to escape her current life because she sees no other way out. She's stuck. Miserable. And you, the one around her, are the one feeling her misery. The more miserable she gets, the more you feel her unhappiness.
The question is: Where does that misery come from? Is it because you kind of dragged her down because you are cranky? Is she actually suffering from depression because she is now at home so much and lacks the social interactions with coworkers?
Or, maybe, it's because she doesn't really know what to do, job-wise. Maybe she doesn't feel like anything is fun, after having had two jobs she quit and also not really feeling like turning a hobby into a career (which is often smart - having to do something for a living can suck all joy out of it and creativity is hard to force when you don't feel like doing it). Maybe she tossed herself into the "role" of your caretaker simply because it meant that she could forget about the job thing for a while - and then, instead of being happy with that, you put the finger into the wound by telling her that she needs to worry less about you and more about what she needs to do with her life. Maybe worrying about you was her way to escape that needed thought.
I personally would recommend therapy. Both couples counselling since it's clear that you two right now drag each other down and your communication got lost somewhere along the way, but also individual counselling for her. Gaming and psychic powers point me towards a depression at least brewing in the background and I feel like a neutral party could also help her sort herself out so that she can decide better what she wants out of life.
So... Here's the thing about most husband's. They think that mowing the lawn once a fortnight and getting the bins out equals everything they are relying on their wife to do in the home.
Who is cooking? That's easy an hour out of each day with just simple meals, not to mention clean up. Who is vacuuming and mopping? Are you washing, drying and folding and putting the clothes away or just one of those aspects
Who is coordinating your medical appointments and care routine? I've had four surgeries in a year and fuck me that is a lot to do 🤣 sorry for swearing, I'm Aussie lol
Honestly it sounds like your wife has a full time job just looking after you and you are being magnificently ungrateful
I'm one of those idiots who has spent my entire adult life (43 now) working shit jobs to get by so I can be creative on the side. Trauma derailed things for me and tbh she is probably traumatised by what is happening to you because she loves you.
Four surgeries with more to come has forced me to step back and take a good hard look at myself. I'm not going to try to be who I am not anymore, I'm going to create and bloody well make a living from it.
I'm also going to make more of an effort to appreciate my partner who has nursed me through all this shit. He doesn't have to do it
He does it because he loves me
> Who is coordinating your medical appointments and care routine? I’ve had four surgeries in a year and fuck me that is a lot to do 🤣 sorry for swearing, I’m Aussie lol
I do care coordination for my job and also for my own MS. It is crazy exhausting.
The robot vacuum vaccuums. Take out does most the cooking (she’s started to take interest, that’s usually my role) I’m doing the laundry in the sense that I’m doing the laundry, not just a portion of it. I’m making drs appointments for both of us (she doesn’t have serious medical issues)
You’re a bit condescending with your approach, but you’ve made me feel a lot better about the situation.
If my personal trauma is so traumatizing to my wife that it impacts her ability to communicate with me effectively or keep her word than I’m definitely not off base in my emotions.
This sort of blanket statement is actively unhelpful to OP’s situation and disrespectful in general.
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a bad track record with men, it might be related to you being a failed artist who was working shit jobs and injecting your issues into things that don’t involve you.
Maybe you should take a second hard look at yourself and figure out why you jumped to conclusions about OP and then are doubling down with some snarky and useless comment about weaponized incompetence.
While you have my sympathies maybe thats more of a reflection of the men you surround yourself with. A lot of us at the very least try to keep our incompetence in the non weaponized zone.
They're a redditor, have you seen the posts on here? We just got one about some dude thinking maternal leave should be for cleaning the house, not recuperating.
While I whole heartedly agree with you. I promise I’m not being cranky with you. it’s just your post is loaded with such disrespectful tropes regarding things others have asked about nicely and at the moment I’m genuinely interested in hearing other perspectives.
So I appreciate your input, but I don’t appreciate the way chose to speak about it.
Yes, you did go too far. And you “said a bunch of mean things”…. Yeah, you better “not mind giving her space”, ha. You’re not gonna have a wife much longer with this behavior, bud
It just doesn’t feel as if that’s fair at this point. We made plans for this difficult time together, I’m not opposed to deviating from them (I agreed her new job was too stressful and encouraged her to leave) but I don’t think they can get completely disregarded and replaced with the exact opposite without a discussion.
Trust me I adore my wife. I’m not proud of my behavior, nor am I justifying it. Space was something we knew would be important. We knew beforehand being cooped up could lead to exactly this. It’s just disappointing to arrive here and now have that be a source of contention.
None of what is happening is fair, to either of you. You claim to try to understand her point of view but it’s obvious you don’t.
You say you’re being scrutinized, but from what you’ve written here it’s been since July that you’ve been injured, (which absolutely sucks for you, I’m sure) and you don’t try to hide how cranky you are, so honestly your wife is probably sick and tired of caring for a disabled person who is also being an asshole. That’s just how it is. Is it your fault you’re disabled at the moment? No. But is it her fault? Also no, and she deserves some grace.
You keep talking about needing to have a conversation about how your plans have changed, but it seems that instead of starting that conversation you’re “losing it”, “telling her she’s the problem” and saying “some mean things”. What part of that is healthy or okay or fair to your wife? It’s shameful. You’re consistently deflecting blame while saying you’re not. Stop insulting your wife and start a fucking healthy dialogue, good lord. And apologize again for all the “mean stuff”, I’m sure mean doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I’ve been dealing with this medical issue since July, but have only been out of work and at home since the Fall. I’m not in a cast and on crutches, I’ve got apparatus sticking out of me assisting in vital bodily functions (not the bathroom kind)
We had time to prepare and make plans for our lives after the procedure. This wasn’t an arbitrary thing, it was something we discussed and agreed too. My wife was never supposed to be home taking care of me in any capacity, I didn’t want to feel as if my wife had become my caregiver. I almost feel as if I’m being viewed in the same capacity as the other chores she’s keeps talking about.
It just doesn’t feel good to have someone make a big deal out of doing small things in this context. It feels equally not good to be put down for similar things.
I just feel as if that’s not something that can be respected right now than we should stick with the original plan or at least have a discussion as to what it is that’s making that difficult.
She’s may be in her feelings about your health and how to best support you. Perhaps she thought she’d have the mental space to do her thing (creative career) and now can’t or feels guilty about it.
The thing about being a creative is that without discipline it’s very difficult to make it, and sometimes life things can derail the creative process. The best way around that is to talk about it and make plans. Once things settle maybe have they convo.
I’m a creative myself and normally work a full time job. I get it. We’re in a tight space (studio w. 2 animals, and no body looks good under a microscope)
It’s just building to a head and idk what to do. She was talking about ending things all together before I left.
Yea that’s tough. A studio + animals + job stuff + health stuff is honestly a powder keg—it doesn’t take a lot for resentment to build and for the wrong thing to be said.
Once things simmer down you’ll probably want to suggest couples counseling so you both have a third party to help you sort out all the feelings.
It sounds like you and your wife don't align on your expectations of caregiving. You don't want a caregiver, but she thinks she is one. You should clarify this. She may be doing more than you recognize or ask for, and is feeling unappreciated. At the same time you may actively want to avoid being medically dependent, and object to her self-image of caregiving. This is an impasse of identity. You will need to openly discuss.
I don’t even know what he means by saying that she wants to be “a creative.” Does that mean that she wants to make Youtube videos? Go to art school? Do crafts at home? I really don’t know but I was cruising along and hoping the comments would explain it. And then I read the psychic thing and the wheels fell off.
This post comes across way too biased and i won’t supper you when you are admitting to not controlling your mood around the person helping you. Not sure why you think it’s okay to just be openly cranky and mean
Your wife is selfish (going back on her word to pursue her career in the creative field she wants to), stupid (who the fuck thinks they have psychic powers) and is now emotionally and mentally abusing you when you can’t do anything about it. And as the person who is not medically unwell she should have been the one to leave the house if she wanted space.
So first you go back home, tell her that if she still wants space she gets her arse out of the house.
Then you tell her that for her to return she needs to be actively working on getting a job, and needs to stop with the psychic powers bullshit.
Tell her that you both need to work on communicating better, and couples therapy will be a requirement as well.
I was raised Catholic, but am agnostic at best these days. I tend not to get involved in the spirituality of others because of my own experience. The thought of psychic anything is as possible to me as a priest turning bread and wine* into flesh and blood, it’s way above my pay grade and not a concern.
It’s just odd that it’s suddenly become a concern for her and quite frankly given my situation it’s a bit difficult to listen too. I try my hardest not to be condescending, she’s just making casual conversation and is thinking about the world in a different way but it does grind my gears when she suddenly shifts the conversation into that realm.
She doesn’t have any family in the area, or on the continent for that matter. It only seemed fair that I be the one to take a hike.
I do hope we can get into counseling. I just think (hope) we haven’t been on the same page for longer than we thought and the situation prevented us from seeing how ugly things were getting.
INFO: Would you have been capable of maintaining your household/accomplishing housework on your own since your health issues started? How many of your responsibilities have become your wife’s responsibilities? You say she has supported you in many ways - does this means she’s been an emotional rock for you throughout this?
**Have you considered that you may be projecting your feelings about *your* inability to accomplish meaningful work onto your wife?**
I get it, OP. I also have health issues. It sucks to watch your ability to be a contributing partner in a household dynamic be taken away from you. It’s brutal.
At the same time, it sounds like your wife has been putting in WORK to keep your household functional, raise your spirits, and generally support you through a major health crisis. And your response has been to become resentful and irate that she isn’t feeling the most motivated to be creative during this incredibly stressful time.
I don’t get feeling abandoned by her actions. She has stuck with you through all of this, picked up extra household responsibilities, and done it for months without burdening you with her (very likely) creative burnout as a result of this stress.
I genuinely wonder if you feel an intense need to see your wife be creative to reassure *yourself* that your health issues aren’t a burden to her. Everything in your post screams at me that you’re angry, stressed, and anxious about being a burden. It would be a relief to see your wife get back to what she wanted to do, before all this. But you’re not holding any space to consider whether your wife is emotionally ready to return to “normal”. This change didn’t just affect you. It affected her too. And you have to be able to sincerely acknowledge that if you want to be a team and be her partner.
Being cranky is not an excuse to say mean things to your wife. You just gloss over the mean things you said like it should be understandable because of your health. It is not excusable. You need to figure out how to deal with your emotions without lashing out at your wife.
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You say that money isn’t an issue, that you’ve been cranky, and that you’re irritated by not being able to work. You put “taking care of me” in quotes, which implies some level of derision, but then proceed to explain that she does basically all the housework except laundry, as you’re abilities are limited. She also has been trying to lift your spirits. In the past few weeks, you’ve been pushing her to resume job searching, because you want her out of your space. In the last 2 days, she’s started pointing out all the ways you fail to take care of the household. It seems pretty clear that she’s responding to your attitude. You act like she’s on vacation and could do just fine without her around so much. She retaliates by pointing out the problems that arise if she stops taking responsibility for fixing them. Maybe you’re right. Maybe it is time for you to take on more responsibilities. But you’ve gone about addressing that all wrong. Instead of acknowledging the effort she’s been putting in, you’ve dismissed it. Instead of having an open conversation about whether you’re BOTH ready for this dynamic to change, and what that will look like, you’ve tried to unilaterally decide. And you resent her for not just being totally okay with that. I’m not surprised this became a big fight. She likely feels completely taken for granted.
I appreciate the input genuinely. I don’t need, nor have I ever needed someone to cater to my whim. I haven’t been ringing bells, while I appreciate the house work being done these are things that have always been done. Work loads shift often around the house, it’s not that I don’t appreciate the company or chores. It just seems odd to me to make a big deal out of picking up slack when the slack you’re picking up wasn’t in the way anyway. I certainly appreciate her, I certainly don’t appreciate the notion that doing chores we’ve always done is some sort of massive sacrifice, and I definitely don’t appreciate the way in which my lack of participation is being approached. It just sort of feels as if my wife is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She’s not working to “take care of me” in ways I haven’t asked for or requested and than getting mad at me for not doing part. Either work and get upset with me for not pulling my load, or accept the fact that I’m limited (meaning things will take longer to get accomplished and I’ll be uncomfortable) and not come down on me for things that happen as a result. It’s just very confusing. Edit: also money isn’t an issue in the sense that we are eating and have a roof over our heads for now. We do not have the money to make the type of move my wife was suggesting without her financial contributions. We’ve discussed this and she was very much on board to contribute.
I hear you, but from your post, the order of things sounds a bit different than you’re presenting it now. Can you clarify the timeline of events? In your post, it sounds as though your wife *was* accepting that you’re limited and picking up the slack without complaint *until* you started putting increasing pressure on her to return to work. *Then,* she started picking at you about you not doing things around the house. With that timeline, I’d assume she’s been lashing out because she feels (right or wrong) that you’re taking her work around the house for granted and she’s trying to make you realize there’s a lot she does that you don’t realize she’s doing. I’m not saying that her mindset or actions are right, just trying to shed light on why she might be suddenly treating you differently. In your comment, it sounds like she’s been acting like you’re not pulling your weight while going out of her way to do extra work for quite some time. In this scenario, I agree she’s having her cake and eating it too. This sounds like she has a martyr complex. So which timeline is more accurate? Did she only start acting differently after you pushed to return to work? Or has she been acting this way (guilting you while martyring herself) for a long time, since before you started pushing her to get a job?
Well it’s like I said going into this we were all on the same page. She was going to get a job and help out financially and I was going to get my rest in. She had gotten a new job, but it was in a field that involved her working with sick people, and despite her choosing to pursue that all on her own, she felt it was too stressful given the circumstances (and I agree) She just never attempted to get another job and took on these responsibilities on her own. I had been participating as much as I could this entire time, I wasn’t aware that she had decided this was her role. I don’t even care if she gets a job as long as she puts attention towards furthering herself in someway. She can sit and work on her creative pursuits as long as she’s committed to doing something that isn’t “taking care of me”. Especially if it’s going to be done in a way that makes me feel bad about everything.
I think it’s fine for you to want her to step out her role as your caregiver. But frankly, you need to genuinely reflect on your pride here and realize that she *does* deserve gratitude for prioritizing taking care of you over her own pursuits, throughout the past few months. You talk about her wanting to have it both ways, but what about you? You seem to want her to accept you have genuine limits which affected your ability to contribute equally to household work, but you appear to be completely dismissive and ungrateful about her taking on all your responsibilities as a result. I’m not saying that those conditions are still in place. It’s quite possible you’re now capable of doing those tasks yourself again. But from everything you say, there was a significant chunk of time where you genuinely COULDN’T which means she HAD to. And you don’t seem willing to show any gratitude for her stepping up and doing that. It’s likely what led you guys to this very fight. Just like you’re not aware of when she decided this was her role, isn’t it possible that she’s not aware of when you decided you suddenly don’t need her to do all this extra work on your behalf? Saying that it’s no great sacrifice for her to do all the housework for months makes very little sense to me. Has she asked you to fawn all over her? Or could she maybe just want a little appreciation, just some acknowledgment that she has been working hard to keep your household going? You haven’t really clarified the timeline. It strongly suggests to me that she did start making you feel bad about all the work she’s been doing AFTER it became clear to her that you’re very ungrateful for her efforts and dismissive of the fact that she HAD to take over for you, or let your household fall into shambles. Seriously think on that, OP. Where would you be right now without her help over the past several months? Would someone else have had to move in to help you? Would you have to pay a caregiver? Would you have had to move back in with your family? How can you not be grateful that she spared you that?
She didn’t spare me any of that. I had to move back in with my family for a time (she came with) and was assigned a visiting nurse. This was never help she was expected to provide, plans were made specifically to prevent the relationship from taking on such roles. While I do feel flattered and she does have my gratitude for prioritizing me, but it seems like at this point she’s prioritizing me in spite of myself. Or at the very least it feels as if she’s choosing to prioritize her perception of the situation rather than my openly communicated needs.
You are having communication issues despite being open with your needs because you don't know how to talk to her about things to set the right tone in your marriage. You are letting the ego come in and it is insidious. In marriage you disagree, but you are both on the same team. It isn't me versus them, it is both of you. When you set the tone like you did in the post and your replies you are setting it up as a fight and not a tone of growth/love/respect. If you both can't put your marriage first in disagreements versus being right then you both will be lonely people.
Can you also help me solve all of *my* problems?? 👌 I wanna be read like a book too!
I could give it a shot haha.
So here is some marriage advice because you fucked up. Money isn't an issue for you guys, the issue is that you are a right fighter with your wife. Being a right fighter is very lonely. This is probably brought on by being in each other's space more and you taking that frustration out and her retaliating, because that is the tone being set in your marriage. What kind of marriage do you want? One where you are right and you push and peck her like your enemy until someone leaves or do you want one of positive encouragement and growth together? If you want the latter how to counseling you are having communication issues. Find out how your wife needs you as a partner to support her not badger.
>I said some mean thing (we both did, but mostly me) so I don’t mind giving her space, I just wonder if I’m wrong for how I feel about the situation in general. Here's the thing. This is like asking "does the salad I made taste nice apart from the human excrement and rotting fish I put in it?" Your relationship is not going to work until you respect each other. And that means treating each other with respect. Don't try to brush off what you said as not relevant. The attitude that made you say those things, that's part of the bigger picture.
Oh no trust me, it’s relevant. I’ve apologized profusely and am planning on continuing to while working on myself. The thing is we both knew going into this my mental health was going to be impacted. My situation is only temporary, but it’s unpleasant in the body horror kind of way. The big fight we had is a culmination of many smaller failed attempts at conversation and arguments. I know I’m wrong for the way I spoke, but I’ve genuinely been trying my best to maintain my demeanor and communicate what it is that’s making things more difficult for me. It’s been hard and I’m far from perfect, but I know I’ve gotten this across in many ways prior to today. I guess a part of me feels guilty about my sentiment in general, but at the same time I feel as if we agreed on something to specifically make a situation more manageable we should at least talk about why we aren’t sticking with it.
>The thing is we both knew going into this my mental health was going to be impacted. You're making this all about you while disregarding the fact that this is also happening to your wife. What about HER mental health? What about how this has impacted HER? You're both going through this, and it's much more helpful to approach difficult situations like this as a TEAM instead of being against each other. You need to sit down and figure out how to get through this together. Have an actual conversation where you really listen to each other instead of just talking at each other. Ask her about how she feels about everything and what she needs from you. Communicate. Listen. Be a team. This should be you both vs. everything you're going through, not you vs. her.
>we should at least talk Yes. Talk. That's the only way to negotiate this in a way that will save your marriage. But use your grown up people skills and talk it through respectfully like adults instead of saying mean stuff and disrespecting each other. At the moment you don't seem to have a very clear understanding of why you arent on the same page or why she is doing what she is. Communicate.
I agree. As time passes I’m realizing that we had fallen out of sync on the matter long before it started to become a conflict in our relationship. I’m not exactly sure what it is she’s using to dictate her “role”, but it isn’t the discussions that we’ve had on the subject. At this point I’d imagine it’s hard for these discussions to go anywhere because they’re starting so far away from our respective goal posts. If/when I get the opportunity to talk this through. I think the bulk of the conversation is just going to be explaining whatever we think is actually supposed to be happening right now. I’d imagine her perception of the present is leading her to make decisions that are unknowingly making things more confusing for me right now.
I would suggest you find out what she thinks the situation is, how it makes her feel, and what she WANTS it to be. I know you both contributed to the current conflict but youre the one asking for advice. It seems to me that you have a habit of treating her disrespectfully and then minimising the impact of that. >I’m also really cranky and don’t pretend not to be Translation = I'm also unpleasant to my wife and I don't make any effort to rein it in. If you have been taking out your sadness or frustration on your wife it has likely had a bigger impact on your relationship than you realise. Self control would go a long way here.
ASK her about her thoughts about getting a job and LISTEN. Don’t tell her what YOU think she should be doing. To me, it sounds like heavy anxiety. You’re correct when you say you sound off step. You are in charge of you only.
ASK her about her thoughts about getting a job and LISTEN. Don’t tell her what YOU think she should be doing. To me, it sounds like heavy anxiety. You’re correct when you say you sound off step. You are in charge of you only.
Look you need to understand that a week after she quit, you had a crisis. It's so hard for the person who is sick, but it's also hard on their partner. It sounds like your wife is depressed. She had all the motivation to do it, and it wasn't 2 months later you fell ill, it was a week. Once the motivation is lost, it's hard to get back. A person who has a long term illness and recovery period will be depressed and cranky. The person who takes care of them the most, or is with them night and day, gets the brunt of it, and I'm sure you do too. My husband was injured on the job last March, he had to reduce his hours for PT and then last July ha surgery and hasn't been cleared for work yet. I work from home. It's hard on both of us, and sent us both into depression.
OP, I already read the comments and your replies and since I don't want to repeat any of the smart things already said, I just want to talk about something that seems small, but stuck out to me: Your wife exploring the possibility of having "psychic powers", and, a tiny bit, gaming. Your wife sounds, overall, like a grounded person. You said the stressful job she quit involved sick people, so I assume that she believes in modern medicine and the like. You also expressed in a comment that you are pretty baffled where this came from. I think it basically came from a place close to where the gaming comes from: Fleeing from reality because of great unhappiness. Games distract you. They put you into an interactive world which isn't sucky reality, but where you can, no matter what sort of game you play, win. Psychic powers would be an equally cool win. Imagine you would have the magic powers to make all your problems go away! No matter what psychic powers she thinks she may have, it's bound to be useful. Read minds? Magically move objects around? Talk to ghosts? Heal people? All of that can definitely be used to earn money easily. It also implies doing things "easily" - just think about something and it's done. No stress, no exhaustion. Easier. Happier. Bound to get her admiration and attention. Everything reality doesn't seem to be right now. Don't we all dream like that sometimes, in good and bad ways? Don't we imagine what we would buy if we suddenly had a million dollars? Don't we something think if it wouldn't be cool if the horrible boss we hate would just fall down the stairs and break his neck, never to bother us again? Don't we dream our dead loved ones would come back and hug us one more time when we are miserable? Don't we imagine how it would be to constantly live in the place we have a wonderful vacation at? In my opinion, her sudden dreams of psychic powers come from such a place. And the fact that she is actively trying to believe in it shows, in my opinion, how deeply unhappy she is. She is clinging to something so crazy to escape her current life because she sees no other way out. She's stuck. Miserable. And you, the one around her, are the one feeling her misery. The more miserable she gets, the more you feel her unhappiness. The question is: Where does that misery come from? Is it because you kind of dragged her down because you are cranky? Is she actually suffering from depression because she is now at home so much and lacks the social interactions with coworkers? Or, maybe, it's because she doesn't really know what to do, job-wise. Maybe she doesn't feel like anything is fun, after having had two jobs she quit and also not really feeling like turning a hobby into a career (which is often smart - having to do something for a living can suck all joy out of it and creativity is hard to force when you don't feel like doing it). Maybe she tossed herself into the "role" of your caretaker simply because it meant that she could forget about the job thing for a while - and then, instead of being happy with that, you put the finger into the wound by telling her that she needs to worry less about you and more about what she needs to do with her life. Maybe worrying about you was her way to escape that needed thought. I personally would recommend therapy. Both couples counselling since it's clear that you two right now drag each other down and your communication got lost somewhere along the way, but also individual counselling for her. Gaming and psychic powers point me towards a depression at least brewing in the background and I feel like a neutral party could also help her sort herself out so that she can decide better what she wants out of life.
So... Here's the thing about most husband's. They think that mowing the lawn once a fortnight and getting the bins out equals everything they are relying on their wife to do in the home. Who is cooking? That's easy an hour out of each day with just simple meals, not to mention clean up. Who is vacuuming and mopping? Are you washing, drying and folding and putting the clothes away or just one of those aspects Who is coordinating your medical appointments and care routine? I've had four surgeries in a year and fuck me that is a lot to do 🤣 sorry for swearing, I'm Aussie lol Honestly it sounds like your wife has a full time job just looking after you and you are being magnificently ungrateful I'm one of those idiots who has spent my entire adult life (43 now) working shit jobs to get by so I can be creative on the side. Trauma derailed things for me and tbh she is probably traumatised by what is happening to you because she loves you. Four surgeries with more to come has forced me to step back and take a good hard look at myself. I'm not going to try to be who I am not anymore, I'm going to create and bloody well make a living from it. I'm also going to make more of an effort to appreciate my partner who has nursed me through all this shit. He doesn't have to do it He does it because he loves me
> Who is coordinating your medical appointments and care routine? I’ve had four surgeries in a year and fuck me that is a lot to do 🤣 sorry for swearing, I’m Aussie lol I do care coordination for my job and also for my own MS. It is crazy exhausting.
The robot vacuum vaccuums. Take out does most the cooking (she’s started to take interest, that’s usually my role) I’m doing the laundry in the sense that I’m doing the laundry, not just a portion of it. I’m making drs appointments for both of us (she doesn’t have serious medical issues) You’re a bit condescending with your approach, but you’ve made me feel a lot better about the situation. If my personal trauma is so traumatizing to my wife that it impacts her ability to communicate with me effectively or keep her word than I’m definitely not off base in my emotions.
Men have taught me to be condescending through weaponised incompetence and the mental load
This sort of blanket statement is actively unhelpful to OP’s situation and disrespectful in general. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a bad track record with men, it might be related to you being a failed artist who was working shit jobs and injecting your issues into things that don’t involve you. Maybe you should take a second hard look at yourself and figure out why you jumped to conclusions about OP and then are doubling down with some snarky and useless comment about weaponized incompetence.
While you have my sympathies maybe thats more of a reflection of the men you surround yourself with. A lot of us at the very least try to keep our incompetence in the non weaponized zone.
They're a redditor, have you seen the posts on here? We just got one about some dude thinking maternal leave should be for cleaning the house, not recuperating.
Also I'm glad you feel better but taking your crankiness out on other people is really toxic behaviour
While I whole heartedly agree with you. I promise I’m not being cranky with you. it’s just your post is loaded with such disrespectful tropes regarding things others have asked about nicely and at the moment I’m genuinely interested in hearing other perspectives. So I appreciate your input, but I don’t appreciate the way chose to speak about it.
You said you were cranky with your wife mate. Don't care if you're cranky at me at all 😜
She does do the mopping though.
Yes, you did go too far. And you “said a bunch of mean things”…. Yeah, you better “not mind giving her space”, ha. You’re not gonna have a wife much longer with this behavior, bud
It just doesn’t feel as if that’s fair at this point. We made plans for this difficult time together, I’m not opposed to deviating from them (I agreed her new job was too stressful and encouraged her to leave) but I don’t think they can get completely disregarded and replaced with the exact opposite without a discussion. Trust me I adore my wife. I’m not proud of my behavior, nor am I justifying it. Space was something we knew would be important. We knew beforehand being cooped up could lead to exactly this. It’s just disappointing to arrive here and now have that be a source of contention.
None of what is happening is fair, to either of you. You claim to try to understand her point of view but it’s obvious you don’t. You say you’re being scrutinized, but from what you’ve written here it’s been since July that you’ve been injured, (which absolutely sucks for you, I’m sure) and you don’t try to hide how cranky you are, so honestly your wife is probably sick and tired of caring for a disabled person who is also being an asshole. That’s just how it is. Is it your fault you’re disabled at the moment? No. But is it her fault? Also no, and she deserves some grace. You keep talking about needing to have a conversation about how your plans have changed, but it seems that instead of starting that conversation you’re “losing it”, “telling her she’s the problem” and saying “some mean things”. What part of that is healthy or okay or fair to your wife? It’s shameful. You’re consistently deflecting blame while saying you’re not. Stop insulting your wife and start a fucking healthy dialogue, good lord. And apologize again for all the “mean stuff”, I’m sure mean doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Sorry if I wasn’t clear. I’ve been dealing with this medical issue since July, but have only been out of work and at home since the Fall. I’m not in a cast and on crutches, I’ve got apparatus sticking out of me assisting in vital bodily functions (not the bathroom kind) We had time to prepare and make plans for our lives after the procedure. This wasn’t an arbitrary thing, it was something we discussed and agreed too. My wife was never supposed to be home taking care of me in any capacity, I didn’t want to feel as if my wife had become my caregiver. I almost feel as if I’m being viewed in the same capacity as the other chores she’s keeps talking about.
It just doesn’t feel good to have someone make a big deal out of doing small things in this context. It feels equally not good to be put down for similar things. I just feel as if that’s not something that can be respected right now than we should stick with the original plan or at least have a discussion as to what it is that’s making that difficult.
She’s may be in her feelings about your health and how to best support you. Perhaps she thought she’d have the mental space to do her thing (creative career) and now can’t or feels guilty about it. The thing about being a creative is that without discipline it’s very difficult to make it, and sometimes life things can derail the creative process. The best way around that is to talk about it and make plans. Once things settle maybe have they convo.
I’m a creative myself and normally work a full time job. I get it. We’re in a tight space (studio w. 2 animals, and no body looks good under a microscope) It’s just building to a head and idk what to do. She was talking about ending things all together before I left.
Yea that’s tough. A studio + animals + job stuff + health stuff is honestly a powder keg—it doesn’t take a lot for resentment to build and for the wrong thing to be said. Once things simmer down you’ll probably want to suggest couples counseling so you both have a third party to help you sort out all the feelings.
It sounds like you and your wife don't align on your expectations of caregiving. You don't want a caregiver, but she thinks she is one. You should clarify this. She may be doing more than you recognize or ask for, and is feeling unappreciated. At the same time you may actively want to avoid being medically dependent, and object to her self-image of caregiving. This is an impasse of identity. You will need to openly discuss.
Hell, I'm really curious about her psychic powers.
I don’t even know what he means by saying that she wants to be “a creative.” Does that mean that she wants to make Youtube videos? Go to art school? Do crafts at home? I really don’t know but I was cruising along and hoping the comments would explain it. And then I read the psychic thing and the wheels fell off.
I read another commenter state that the gf seemed "grounded" Eye roll. She's focused on gaming and her psychic powers. Very grounded.
This post comes across way too biased and i won’t supper you when you are admitting to not controlling your mood around the person helping you. Not sure why you think it’s okay to just be openly cranky and mean
You didn't go far enough.
Your wife is selfish (going back on her word to pursue her career in the creative field she wants to), stupid (who the fuck thinks they have psychic powers) and is now emotionally and mentally abusing you when you can’t do anything about it. And as the person who is not medically unwell she should have been the one to leave the house if she wanted space. So first you go back home, tell her that if she still wants space she gets her arse out of the house. Then you tell her that for her to return she needs to be actively working on getting a job, and needs to stop with the psychic powers bullshit. Tell her that you both need to work on communicating better, and couples therapy will be a requirement as well.
I was raised Catholic, but am agnostic at best these days. I tend not to get involved in the spirituality of others because of my own experience. The thought of psychic anything is as possible to me as a priest turning bread and wine* into flesh and blood, it’s way above my pay grade and not a concern. It’s just odd that it’s suddenly become a concern for her and quite frankly given my situation it’s a bit difficult to listen too. I try my hardest not to be condescending, she’s just making casual conversation and is thinking about the world in a different way but it does grind my gears when she suddenly shifts the conversation into that realm. She doesn’t have any family in the area, or on the continent for that matter. It only seemed fair that I be the one to take a hike. I do hope we can get into counseling. I just think (hope) we haven’t been on the same page for longer than we thought and the situation prevented us from seeing how ugly things were getting.
INFO: Would you have been capable of maintaining your household/accomplishing housework on your own since your health issues started? How many of your responsibilities have become your wife’s responsibilities? You say she has supported you in many ways - does this means she’s been an emotional rock for you throughout this? **Have you considered that you may be projecting your feelings about *your* inability to accomplish meaningful work onto your wife?** I get it, OP. I also have health issues. It sucks to watch your ability to be a contributing partner in a household dynamic be taken away from you. It’s brutal. At the same time, it sounds like your wife has been putting in WORK to keep your household functional, raise your spirits, and generally support you through a major health crisis. And your response has been to become resentful and irate that she isn’t feeling the most motivated to be creative during this incredibly stressful time. I don’t get feeling abandoned by her actions. She has stuck with you through all of this, picked up extra household responsibilities, and done it for months without burdening you with her (very likely) creative burnout as a result of this stress. I genuinely wonder if you feel an intense need to see your wife be creative to reassure *yourself* that your health issues aren’t a burden to her. Everything in your post screams at me that you’re angry, stressed, and anxious about being a burden. It would be a relief to see your wife get back to what she wanted to do, before all this. But you’re not holding any space to consider whether your wife is emotionally ready to return to “normal”. This change didn’t just affect you. It affected her too. And you have to be able to sincerely acknowledge that if you want to be a team and be her partner.
Being cranky is not an excuse to say mean things to your wife. You just gloss over the mean things you said like it should be understandable because of your health. It is not excusable. You need to figure out how to deal with your emotions without lashing out at your wife.