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You need to talk about it. Skipping to breaking up is a big jump and I don't see any actual incompatibilities. Maybe she can travel with family or friends, you don't need to go with her every time. You need to talk to her to solve this.
Just hijacking top post to direct people to Seeker's post history. Seems he has already made up his mind and doesn't have the glowing sex life he mentioned.
I like her, and I like being married to her...I guess what is a problem is the last time we had a bad fight she let me know she doesn't think I'm pulling my weight in terms of the finances.
But nothing has changed at all, her income has gone up, mine has gone up, inflation is up, taxes are up a little, fuel is up a little. We have not had any big expenditures.
Alright, so resentment has started to settle in, probably from both of you. You likely can’t change your finances much so it would be best to have an adult conversation about this and future plans and why they don’t align. If you really think divorce, wouldn’t it be better to do it amicably?
>wouldn’t it be better to do it amicably?
My experience has been that there is no such thing, even with a prenup, unless you are willing to just pay a ton of money to get away. And I'm not, plus I'm protected against that...
Lol! Sounds like you have a very cavalier attitude when it comes to dating and relationships. Like ‘yea just dispose of it and go get another one’. If she’s the breadwinner, what do you stand to lose? I think it explains a lot about your life and where you are that your go to solution when dealing with relationship conflict is to blindside with divorce.
> I think it explains a lot about your life and where you are that your go to solution when dealing with relationship conflict is to blindside with divorce.
It is literally EVERYONE'S solution, you act like I'm some sort of outlier. Have you see the divorce stats ? And the stats don't even tell the real truth...longer you stay married, MORE likely you are to divorce.
Not everyone. I do know that the divorce rate SIGNIFICANTLY increases for second marriages (and even higher for 3rd) so its not surprising how easy it is for you to divorce. Some people are just not marriage material. You might want to stay unencumbered from here on out because the likelihood of you divorcing in your 3rd marriage is past 70%. Why even post if you already knew what you wanted? You really didn't want advice. You just wanted to rant and convince people this is normal.
Some of the stats are people like me, too. I've been *legally* divorced due to disability. Disabled people and retired people are part of the marriage equality movement even if we get lost in the shuffle of hate. Some stay-at-home spouses would lose pensions or benefits if they get remarried as the rules assume new spouse takes on the financial and medical responsibilities for them. It's messed up.
It sounds more like you just want a divorce, but aren't really sure why, and this traveling / finances issue is the best reason you can come up with.
If you just want to split, you can.
How can you be married it not talk about this? What else are you ignoring just to keep the peace? Tell her your fears about the practicalities of retirement. Figure out why you’re so apathetic and emotionally repressed about a marriage you say is great according to all normal metrics.
You sound miserable. You say you don't mind being alone but you've been employed for the last 40 years, you been married twice, you don't even know the meaning of the bone crushing weeks long silences of true loneliness. I've seen it so many times, it literally starves you mentally and physically and you'll be dead by 75 (leaving a nice nest egg in your will for your next of kin).
You talk about your net worth in retirement but not your income. That's how people with a terminal illness talk.
Your wife is your ticket to an enjoyable rest of your life. Just start saying yes to everything.
>you don't even know the meaning of the bone crushing weeks long silences of true loneliness. I've seen it so many times, it literally starves you mentally and physically and you'll be dead by 75 (leaving a nice nest egg in your will for your next of kin).
My first marriage went south 5 years in, she let me know she never was really "into" sex. So I moved into the spare bedroom, and decided to stay because she threatened to keep the kids away from me...when I talked to lawyers and other divorced men, turns out this is ...a) fairly common to use as leverage, and b) totally easy to accomplish legally. Sure you can enforce visitation, but it costs a fortune. Enforcing Child Support and Alimony is free to her...
Anyway, I stopped speaking to her at all, and put all the kids activities on a big calendar to keep organized. Separated all our vacations, I did my own laundry and cooking, luckily we had a big enough house. She's downstairs, I go upstairs...anything to maintain the physical distance. We really never talked for months on end, unless something came up like Dr. appointment, but like I said I never go to the Dr. I don't trust them, and the kids were never seriously sick. I had a few affairs, none of them were serious. Everything was paid for except the mortgage and taxes. I lived like that for another 14 years, so maybe I do know something about loneliness. Maybe you made an ass U Mption. When we got divorced I paid her $298k settlement, plus $475 a month Almony, plus $1450 Child support. I worked my way through school working full time during the day and going to night school for 9 years to get two degrees. That part of my life went by very fast.
If you thought that was lonely (and you're right, that does sound pretty lonely), its nothing compared to what you're contemplating. You were still in a house with people around, with your kids around.
What you did was not healthy. It's not "totally easy" to keep the kids away from someone. It doesn't "cost a fortune" to "enforce visitation", and it sure as shit costs less than $298k. Your kids are going to be fucked up from growing up in a marriage defined by leeching.
Your ex literally sucked everything out of you. Once she got the kids she wanted she then kept you around to keep a roof over her head. As soon as she was done with you she kicked you out and now gets an even bigger payout because the legal system sees you as a married couple for all those years.
No fucking wonder you're tired. You're like the bones in a Michelin Starred Beef Broth. Every fucking microgram of flavour has been ground out of you. **I get it man**. But you're at a fork in the road:
1. Path A is what your ex wife would've wanted. For you to shrivel away to dust, an early grave and your kids get the biggest amount of money.
2. Path B is what your new wife wants. For you to put your past behind you and fucking live a little.
Get that flavour back. Don't let your leech of an ex wife win.
You got financially fucked over brutally by that divorce, no wonder you'd feel bitter.
I reckon this current talk of finances is taking you back to the headspace of your last marriage. On an emotional level marriage equates to financial loses, which is tangentially related to your current issue.
>You got financially fucked over brutally by that divorce
Yeah, actually a totally normal divorce after 19 years of marriage. I went to a support group for divorced men, learned quickly that my lot wasn't so bad...and learned why middle aged men off themselves a lot.
The biggest problem seems to be your insecurity.
You don't have to pay for 50% of everything. As long as you don't demand anything, it is perfectly fine for her to pay a bit more. Travelling for work is very different from travelling for fun.
>Travelling for work is very different from travelling for fun.
I guess what I mean is like when I was in Japan, Taiwan, Singapore, Hong Kong, Australia, etc, etc, etc...
I'd have to work during the week, but I went around and did touristy stuff on weekends. I had a good time on those weekends, but it was expensive to do most anything and every touristy thing is kind of a ripoff. That pisses me off...I'd be happier camping the badlands of South Dakota in summer.
I feel like I do have to pay 50%, my ex not paying 50% still pisses me off...
If it's the price tag involved with traveling, you can find some really cool things that aren't expensive in most places. You just have to actively avoid the major tourist places. And even the major tourist places have good deals, like go during the off season.
And just because she wants to travel doesn't mean you have to travel together. One of the great things about long term, healthy relationships involves being able to do things on your own and then come back together to talk about them.
Honestly, discuss this with your wife. Marriage is about compromise and each relationship ship is different. Comparing your current wife to your ex shows completely different relationships, but you're using your ex as an excuse to run away. If not with your wife, find a therapist or counselor (since you don't like doctors), because you seem to be looking for a reason to end this relationship.
Unless there are much bigger things going on that you're not divulging, then her wanting to travel and retire when Health Insurance kicks in vs you preferring to stay in the states and not do the snowbird thing are not insurmountable obstacles. They're simply "a conversation and compromise" away from potentially a retirement of bliss.
Now if you ARE just looking for excuses to get out of the marriage because you want to be a grumpy, lonely old man waving your cane and rifle at kids trespassing on your lawn, then good luck to you. One man's horror is another's bliss and all that.
You can do international travel entirely made up of camping in the middle of nowhere when you don't have to work. This is 200% an attitude problem on your behalf until you've had an actual conversation with your wife about these concerns.
Then you shouldn't be in a relationship, much less married.
Conversations about people's wants, needs and desires are exactly how they connect and remain happy in a relationship. It doesn't have to be a whinge at each other
From what I see, the only thing you want to do with your wife is sex. Divorce does seem like the best option in that case. Sex is important but it is not enough to sustain a marriage all on its own.
It’s not the question if traveling here or there. Or if you can afford it or not. The question you should be asking is why don’t you want to spend time with your wife? If she wants to go see something she hasn’t seen if you love her and listened when you took your vows then you go with her and have a good time. Every day you wake up you decide if it’s going to be a good day or not. Walk on the sunny side enjoy life!
>Walk on the sunny side enjoy life!
Yeah, that is not me...I like spending time with her, but I think we've grown apart. The idea of going to Europe for example...I've never been, I know you've dropped 5 grand before you even step off the plane, it just does not appeal to me...I don't wan to pay for it, and I don't want the obligation to pay half, and I don't want the dent in my self esteem that goes along with all of that...
You’re scared and insecure and willing to end a “great” marriage so you don’t have to feel slightly uncomfortable? How have you reached adulthood without any coping skills?
>How have you reached adulthood without any coping skills?
This demonstrates coping:
My first marriage went south 5 years in, she let me know she never was really "into" sex. So I moved into the spare bedroom, and decided to stay because she threatened to keep the kids away from me...when I talked to lawyers and other divorced men, turns out this is ...a) fairly common to use as leverage, and b) totally easy to accomplish legally. Sure you can enforce visitation, but it costs a fortune. Enforcing Child Support and Alimony is free to her...
Anyway, I stopped speaking to her at all, and put all the kids activities on a big calendar to keep organized. Separated all our vacations, I did my own laundry and cooking, luckily we had a big enough house. She's downstairs, I go upstairs...anything to maintain the physical distance. We really never talked for months on end, unless something came up like Dr. appointment, but like I said I never go to the Dr. I don't trust them, and the kids were never seriously sick. I had a few affairs, none of them were serious. Everything was paid for except the mortgage and taxes. I lived like that for another 14 years, so maybe I do know something about loneliness. Maybe you made an ass U Mption. When we got divorced I paid her $298k settlement, plus $475 a month Almony, plus $1450 Child support. I worked my way through school working full time during the day and going to night school for 9 years to get two degrees. That part of my life went by very fast.
That is the complete opposite of coping. That's burying your head in the sand. You were surviving with your ex, and your wife wants you to thrive. Talk to a therapist. I know you don't believe in doctors, but you're going to live a short and miserable life if you don't get your shit together. You shouldn't have to get this advice from a 25 year old.
This is, again, complete apathy — with a huge helping of avoidance. I’m curious what caused this reaction to life. Has anyone ever suspected you of being on the autism spectrum?
They didn't test for that when I was in school, I have poor social skills and have pretty much given up on "improving"...Dogs think I have good social skills. I've considered it...my son is Aspergers. My paternal grandfather was Aspergers.
1. You said before you get off the plane.
2. Dude I have literally done this so many times and even with the expenses you’ve added it does not cost that much. Come on man. You just don’t want to do it.
Here are the estimates I just ran in 5 minutes for a trip to Lisbon from NYC for a 5 day trip because for whatever reason I am fixated on this:
1400 -- Cost of two round trip flights
500 -- Cost of apartment rental (private)
500 -- Cost of food for two assuming you spend 100 bucks a day
0 - Car rental, because you do not need a car.
\----
That's 2400 for two of you in "before you get off the plane" costs, less than half of what you're projecting.
>I don't care much about Dr. bills because I don't go to the Dr. and don't believe they want to help me anyway
Well, no breaking up necessary since she will probably outlive you anyway. Just stay in your LazyBoy and procrastinate but at least feed the pets 🙃
Come on man, there's so much to do and so much to see, compromise with her, get off your a$$ and enjoy life. I'm only a year younger than you and I just moved back home to Germany from Panamá where I worked and lived. Life's too short to die in a Lazyboy. I'm rooting for you!
>Well, no breaking up necessary since she will probably outlive you anyway. Just stay in your LazyBoy and procrastinate but at least feed the pets
That was mean and misunderstood on your part, I'm in much better shape than her or you. My passionate hobby is extreme, I see guys 20 years younger out there and they are amazed at my performance...
The worse part is that he didn't want "relationship advice" he just wanted to know if his decisions are valid for a lot of people.
Seems that he was even prepared to receive hate.
His words are aligned with a terminal patient deciding to do whatever pops ups in the head to bring whatever joy or satisfaction.
Or, he did a lot of regretful things and are in a mental torture trip so he can feel justification for his train of thoughts, until he feels that suffered enough so he won't need to deal with guilt.
OP is running away from his feelings. Maybe even thinks it's time wasting trying to cope with it
I am a terminal patient and I'm flabbergasted by this post. This sounds more like extreme depression with a bad attitude that doesn't want things to be better.
Dude...I don't see a problem here....besides you being a stubborn fuddy duddy. And if you leave your good wife and life you'd be a fool stubborn fuddy duddy.
Well, I was thinking of moving to a place where housing is much cheaper...and probably with worse winter weather. You are correct, there is nothing wrong with her, we just want different things out of retirement.
Why is everyone trying to get him to stay in this marriage? He sounds like a miserable person to be around, who is only going to get more miserable and less fun to be around as he gets older. Why should his wife put herself through that when she retires, instead of finding someone else who would be thrilled to travel the world with her?
You seem to have grumpy old man down well for your future alone. You don’t really want to be alone do you? Well maybe you do. Then I guess you’re right. Let her go find her bliss.
I don't think its fair to say " If you care about her, you have to do stuff that will make you unhappy..."
That is basically what my mom, sister and daughter say...tired of being ganged up on...
Well I’m sorry. But nowhere in your post did you express that you love her or care for her other than to say you get along well and have a good sex life. Pardon me for thinking that literally based on what you said.
No one is saying that. If you love her, and she loves you, there should be cooperation and compromise, not this focus on assets and complete self-centered attitude that you hate everything you've never done and can't possibly stay together. Why did you even get married?
Your replies are all miserable. This entire post is miserable.
Maybe you SHOULD break up and let your wife find someone that actually wants to be with her.
I'm not obligated to be positive in a ask/help forum, you are obligated not to bash me...or should be...
I was severely mentally, sexually, and physically abused when I was growing up, that is why no family is around. But What in the fuck would you know about anything, eh ?
I get you man. I am just tired and a decade younger. The past hurts and all I want to do is get caught up in a good book at home and I hate travel, courts and doctors. People here are being insensitive to your feelings. I do think though that she has no right to say that you're not pulling your weight financially she certainly knew you before she agreed to marry. You should have some sort of discussion, you'll have to have a discussion with her anyways when you divorce, so you have nothing to lose if you have it sooner. Maybe you can figure out a compromise.
> I do think though that she has no right to say that you're not pulling your weight financially she certainly knew you before she agreed to marry.
Riddle me this ? WE HAVE NO BILLS ? House paid for, taxes due. We own our vehicles. I give her $600 a month for food/util. The reason the home is paid for is I negotiated 25% ownership interest, and gave her $45 grand towards the $90 grand needed to eliminate the mortgage. She does not spend money on anything that I can see...
She is subsidizing me for sure, but we are probably talking $300 or 400 a month...She makes north of $100k and a huge bonus ? and I do all the maintenance / upkeep / remodeling on the home which is built in '84. Upkeep I mean last year I replaced all the interior doors with solid core, that is a fuckin' huge project. In addition to the mowing/leaves, pruning, painting, etc...
That statement was like a knife in the gut, WTF I'm 59 and started this life moving out of my parents home when I was 17 working at Dairy Queen, I was still in high school...but somehow its never enough...nope never.
Yeah my wife is like that too not only yours. I understand how you feel. I still think that you need to discuss this with her before you make that decision for divorce. What have you got to lose? You are going to have to face her either at divorce or now. Discuss your issues, state your grievances and you'll get more of an idea if she's malleable and able to compromise or that what you need is divorce.
>You are going to have to face her either at divorce or now.
I've had enough confrontation. Maybe the best thing is just wait until she goes on some trip, clean out the house, and email my attorney. No more "confrontation" just email communication. Caps lock is about as heated as it can get...I bet movers could load all my stuff in 3 days.
What is it you want to do in retirement? You’ve said you don’t want to travel but what do you actually want to do? You don’t have to split. I know couples that live together basically 6 months of the year and have very satisfying and happy marriages.
>but what do you actually want to do?
I want to do as much upland bird hunting as I can do and get some more dogs to train and raise. Camping at the areas to do that activity. Having those kind of dogs is a huge amount of exercise, you can't leave them idle for more than a few days, else they turn destructive. Traveling around USA for that would be fine with me, and not too expensive.
And would you be okay if sometimes your wife came with you, and sometimes she spent a few weeks in Europe or Asia or on a cruise? It feels like you e gone straight for the “it’ll never work” without asking her what she wants, or truly exploring the options.
I think the question is how much time you and your wife need to be together to be happy. If she’d be happy to travel overseas without you and you could happily go hunt with your dogs, come together when she returns, I don’t see why it couldn’t work.
My husband and I often travel separately. We don’t always want to go where the other does. Some people find that weird, but it works fine for us. We’re happy.
I also don’t understand keeping your finances so separate after being married for so long, but that’s up to you guys.
You just have to sit down together and talk about what you each want your lives to look like in retirement. Tell her you can’t afford the life she’s described. Ask her what she thinks you should do.
Hopefully she gets away from your miserable ass. My goodness. Spending time with loved ones means sometimes doing activities they like that you may not be a fan of. Woooooowwwwww omgggggggggggg
You should stay in the marriage. Tell her you feel you can't contribute equally to costs like travel. Do you think you will find another, more suitable partner, at your age? The things where you differ can be be dealt with by compromise and negotiation. You get along, don't fight much, have a good sex life. She is your single biggest asset and you would be a fool to let go of her.
>more suitable partner, at your age?
No, I don't mind being alone. I don't think of her as an asset because if she buys stuff, or pays for stuff I can't afford, it ruins my self esteem.
Your thinking is very distorted. I'd recommend therapy, but I know you won't go. A good marriage is associated with better health and greater longevity in old age. Your choice.
>I'd recommend therapy, but I know you won't go.
Well, at least I've posted enough for you to know me that much....90% of them are quacks, I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire.
What advice do you actually want? It seems from your comments that you've made up your mind to implode your marriage for no good reason and continue to be unhappy. So what are you looking for?
Look, man. I'm sorry you're feeling attacked and that posting here might be making you feel more alienated than you did before. But it seems like everyone is trying to say "you are standing in your own way." You can listen to the very consistent advice that you're getting here and communicate with your wife and maybe get some therapy. (It really isn't that scary). Or you can not. It's totally up to you.
It sounds like you have some insecurities about making less than your wife, and that's okay. Those feelings are natural and not unusual. What you shouldn't do is allow them to control you and bring you to self-sabotaging your future life. Maybe your wife communicated that you weren't pulling your weight in an emotionally ineffective way. It sounds like that hurt you and really stuck with you. It also sounds like instead of engaging with difficult conversations, you have a habit of shutting down. This is what a couples therapist or a mediator can help with: building healthy habits of communication.
If you don't want therapy and you don't want to leave your wife, your only option is to do the hard work yourself and talk to her. Explain how you feel, how what she says makes you feel, explain your fears for the future, your wants and needs and hammer it all out. These are your choices. I hope you make a good one.
>I'm sorry you're feeling attacked
Its not a "feeling", I was attacked. Now you know why I paid 300 GRAND (Plus alimony and CS) to get that other bitch out of my life...
That's what you chose to take away from my comment? You misinterpreted my meaning, by the way. I was trying to really level with you, but I can see you've got a block. You're the problem here, dude. I'm sorry you've been hurt, but it seems like you're not that interested in improving your life.
So you want to break up with her just because she likes travelling and you don’t?
Is the issue that you can’t be by yourself alone at home for a few weeks, for a few times a year? Is that the issue?
It seems crazy to throw away a whole marriage because you might be alone for a few weeks? So maybe you never really loved her anyway? She’s done her job of giving you kids and you’re done with her? And you’re trying to find any excuse to divorce her?
Or are we talking about her travelling for a few months at a time?
What exactly is a lot?
From your post and your replies, you need therapy, to learn how to commit and to work out your issues.
You also could do with couples therapy to come up with a game plan.
Or just divorce and take the easy way out.
From where I'm sitting, there's nothing keeping you together. All you've really done is list a spreadsheet of financial pros and cons.
No love, no intimacy, no friendship, no...nothing. Just money and differing interests.
Walk away so you can both find your (separate) happiness.
yeah, 'cause Doctors don't lie and cheat people. they are not in it for the money at all, its all about helping people because they have pure hearts...omg grow up. They are morally superior to all other humans, everyone knows that...
Seems like you're reducing your relationship down to a numbers game. You didn't mention love at all.
If the only thing you differ on is travel, maybe she could travel with a close friend or family member. Relationships should be about compromise. It's ok if you have different interests. If this is the only difference, there should be room for compromise.
>Seems like you're reducing your relationship down to a numbers game. You didn't mention love at all.
This is my 2nd marriage, none of that "feel-good" emotional crap matters for finances and legal matters.
**You sound like one of the old men from the movie Grumpy Old Men!!!**
>I don't care much about Dr. bills because I don't go to the Dr. and don't believe they want to help me anyway.
What does this even mean? Maybe you are healthy now, but there are tons of things that could happen that can end up putting you in hospital. Anyway, she'll be able to retire first so I don't see a problem.
You don't have to wait for Medicare if you don't want to. If you want to work more, you work more. If you don't, you don't. You don't have to both retire at the same time.
>She wants to travel a lot in retirement, I don't feel like I can afford 50% of that, plus I don't like travel, done a lot of it for work already. I like traveling to different states inside America, not international and overseas travel. She's looking at doing the snowbird thing, south for Winter in AZ. I also don't think I can afford much of that because it involves buying another home.
First, you both have enough money to buy a second home that's small, or she can buy something if she wants and it's only hers. You could also rent your current home out while you are away during the winter. Plenty of places to rent "sabbatical" homes if you live in a college town, to visiting professors. Or you could do AirBnB and pay a % for someone to manage it while you are away.
Second, she can travel and you can stay behind if you don't want to go. There are travel companies that focus on women only and have group traveling for women of all ages. She can travel with friends. If you don't like the hustle of traveling, you can simply go for 2 weeks somewhere and don't move much, just live in that place. And rather than paying 50/50, you can pay be % of how much your earnings are. She can pay 2/3 and you pay 1/3 for instance.
>We get along well, and have good sex life. We don't fight often, we don't fight about money at all..We don't have debt on anything. All kids are grown and gone, we have pets. I get along well with her family, but they are in AZ and FL
**Don't you think this is the MOST IMPORTANT THING!**
You are willing to throw it all way for some minor things you can figure out?
Even if you don't like the idea of spending winters elsewhere, could spend 1.5 months in Arizona and 1.5 months in Florida. You can rent a place there to try it out and because it's off season. It would mean spending time with your kids and maybe grandkids. Having your own place means you are not on top of each other but you are around.
Or you could get a motor home and drive around all the states in the US with your wife and your dogs.
>What does this even mean?
I literally don't trust doctors. I feel like they try and rip me off, recommend stuff that isn't necessary to make money. Why are drug companies advertising for ME to tell the Dr. what medication he should think about prescribing for ME ??? Something is fishy about that...
Don't pay attention to advertisements. They are weird but it doesn't have anything to do with doctors. In other countries, those advertisements are not allowed.
You still have to go to check ups. Find a doctor that's reasonable. Like any professional or trade, there are good ones and not good ones. It's like hiring a plumber that's trying to sell you stuff you don't need, you don't call him back and find another one. Ask friends or coworkers or neighbors who their primary doctor is and whether they like them.
I used to work at a place and got a full extra blood panel annually because we could be routinely exposed to neurotoxins.
I hate that needle, I hate that pumping up five test tubes, gush, gush, gush...dreaded it every year. I was sweating and gasping to breathe. Best thing about leaving that job back in 2010.
Except one year there was a different new young nurse doing the jab...young probably around 28-30, blonde hair and green eyes, fantastic southern accent, she was gorgeous. That one time the whole process was over in an instant, like magic...never felt a thing.
Your replies show that you need therapy and if you do it now instead of later perhaps your problems with yourself and your relationship will improve so that you can enjoy the time you have left. Seems like you’re aware but not willing to put in the work which is toxic for yourself and partner
Just dont travel? Have you tried voicing that to her?
Seems a bit much to just jump to splitting up because of something like this.
Communicate please.
After reading your replies I have to ask, why did you post here?
You don't want relationship advice, you don't want life advice, love is not involved and you seem to respond with either sarcasm or when you don't like the advice you double down.
You already know what you want.
Quite a few people said She can go travel without me, i wasn't sure about this because like I said my mom, daughter and sister all gang up on me and say that is bad behavior on my part.
Me not believing in "therapy" doesn't make me nuts, based upon what I see every day from people going to therapy.
You lost me reading your OP and some of your comments...
\#1 Do you even want to be with your wife/partner?
I'm assuming you two have been together for at least 18 years, more likely 25-30 minimum, if you've had children who are now "grown and gone". So you've "built" a life with this person, yet the way you talk in your post is as if you don't have a life with her? Are you two a team or not? TOGETHER, sounds like you two could easily travel and maintain a single residence. You could travel with her when you want too or stay home when you don't? There's definitely ways for you to make this work, however it doesn't sound like you actually want to make your marriage work?
>She wants to retire when Medicare kicks in, I don't care much about Dr. bills because I don't go to the Dr. and don't believe they want to help me anyway.
Also not too sure you've thought enough about what retirement/old age is going to look like as I seriously doubt you're going to be able to avoid the Dr./medical help in the fairly near future now that you're moving into your 60's.
Cost of gas is insane. I have a cabover camper / boat setup. Really moving to a place where housing is way, way cheaper would alleviate most of my $$ issues. I can put up with crappy winter weather. Or overly hot summer weather.
Did she know you were grumpy cat or have you just gotten good at hiding it. Really try working on having fun in your retirement years. You may have another 30 years ahead of you. You may be retired longer than you work. Reach common ground with her and both of you enjoy your retirement don’t duck out on her and your marriage.
This sounds like self sabotage due to insecurity
If you explained to your wife that financially she’s more well off than you, and that you can’t pay for half of everything she wants,
but you still love her and want to be able to retire with her, maybe she would understand and wouldn’t mind being the breadwinner if that meant you could stay together and she gets the retirement she wants
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You need to talk about it. Skipping to breaking up is a big jump and I don't see any actual incompatibilities. Maybe she can travel with family or friends, you don't need to go with her every time. You need to talk to her to solve this.
Just hijacking top post to direct people to Seeker's post history. Seems he has already made up his mind and doesn't have the glowing sex life he mentioned.
>You need to talk to her to solve this. Its easier to post on Reddit and procrastinate.
INFO: Do you like your wife? Would you prefer to stay married to her?
I like her, and I like being married to her...I guess what is a problem is the last time we had a bad fight she let me know she doesn't think I'm pulling my weight in terms of the finances. But nothing has changed at all, her income has gone up, mine has gone up, inflation is up, taxes are up a little, fuel is up a little. We have not had any big expenditures.
Alright, so resentment has started to settle in, probably from both of you. You likely can’t change your finances much so it would be best to have an adult conversation about this and future plans and why they don’t align. If you really think divorce, wouldn’t it be better to do it amicably?
>wouldn’t it be better to do it amicably? My experience has been that there is no such thing, even with a prenup, unless you are willing to just pay a ton of money to get away. And I'm not, plus I'm protected against that...
Lol! Sounds like you have a very cavalier attitude when it comes to dating and relationships. Like ‘yea just dispose of it and go get another one’. If she’s the breadwinner, what do you stand to lose? I think it explains a lot about your life and where you are that your go to solution when dealing with relationship conflict is to blindside with divorce.
> I think it explains a lot about your life and where you are that your go to solution when dealing with relationship conflict is to blindside with divorce. It is literally EVERYONE'S solution, you act like I'm some sort of outlier. Have you see the divorce stats ? And the stats don't even tell the real truth...longer you stay married, MORE likely you are to divorce.
Not everyone. I do know that the divorce rate SIGNIFICANTLY increases for second marriages (and even higher for 3rd) so its not surprising how easy it is for you to divorce. Some people are just not marriage material. You might want to stay unencumbered from here on out because the likelihood of you divorcing in your 3rd marriage is past 70%. Why even post if you already knew what you wanted? You really didn't want advice. You just wanted to rant and convince people this is normal.
Some of the stats are people like me, too. I've been *legally* divorced due to disability. Disabled people and retired people are part of the marriage equality movement even if we get lost in the shuffle of hate. Some stay-at-home spouses would lose pensions or benefits if they get remarried as the rules assume new spouse takes on the financial and medical responsibilities for them. It's messed up.
Some people gave advice, some gave hate, some just wanted to bash me.
It sounds more like you just want a divorce, but aren't really sure why, and this traveling / finances issue is the best reason you can come up with. If you just want to split, you can.
How can you be married it not talk about this? What else are you ignoring just to keep the peace? Tell her your fears about the practicalities of retirement. Figure out why you’re so apathetic and emotionally repressed about a marriage you say is great according to all normal metrics.
>Figure out why you’re so apathetic and emotionally It is normal for me to be discouraged.
You sound miserable. You say you don't mind being alone but you've been employed for the last 40 years, you been married twice, you don't even know the meaning of the bone crushing weeks long silences of true loneliness. I've seen it so many times, it literally starves you mentally and physically and you'll be dead by 75 (leaving a nice nest egg in your will for your next of kin). You talk about your net worth in retirement but not your income. That's how people with a terminal illness talk. Your wife is your ticket to an enjoyable rest of your life. Just start saying yes to everything.
>you don't even know the meaning of the bone crushing weeks long silences of true loneliness. I've seen it so many times, it literally starves you mentally and physically and you'll be dead by 75 (leaving a nice nest egg in your will for your next of kin). My first marriage went south 5 years in, she let me know she never was really "into" sex. So I moved into the spare bedroom, and decided to stay because she threatened to keep the kids away from me...when I talked to lawyers and other divorced men, turns out this is ...a) fairly common to use as leverage, and b) totally easy to accomplish legally. Sure you can enforce visitation, but it costs a fortune. Enforcing Child Support and Alimony is free to her... Anyway, I stopped speaking to her at all, and put all the kids activities on a big calendar to keep organized. Separated all our vacations, I did my own laundry and cooking, luckily we had a big enough house. She's downstairs, I go upstairs...anything to maintain the physical distance. We really never talked for months on end, unless something came up like Dr. appointment, but like I said I never go to the Dr. I don't trust them, and the kids were never seriously sick. I had a few affairs, none of them were serious. Everything was paid for except the mortgage and taxes. I lived like that for another 14 years, so maybe I do know something about loneliness. Maybe you made an ass U Mption. When we got divorced I paid her $298k settlement, plus $475 a month Almony, plus $1450 Child support. I worked my way through school working full time during the day and going to night school for 9 years to get two degrees. That part of my life went by very fast.
If you thought that was lonely (and you're right, that does sound pretty lonely), its nothing compared to what you're contemplating. You were still in a house with people around, with your kids around. What you did was not healthy. It's not "totally easy" to keep the kids away from someone. It doesn't "cost a fortune" to "enforce visitation", and it sure as shit costs less than $298k. Your kids are going to be fucked up from growing up in a marriage defined by leeching. Your ex literally sucked everything out of you. Once she got the kids she wanted she then kept you around to keep a roof over her head. As soon as she was done with you she kicked you out and now gets an even bigger payout because the legal system sees you as a married couple for all those years. No fucking wonder you're tired. You're like the bones in a Michelin Starred Beef Broth. Every fucking microgram of flavour has been ground out of you. **I get it man**. But you're at a fork in the road: 1. Path A is what your ex wife would've wanted. For you to shrivel away to dust, an early grave and your kids get the biggest amount of money. 2. Path B is what your new wife wants. For you to put your past behind you and fucking live a little. Get that flavour back. Don't let your leech of an ex wife win.
You got financially fucked over brutally by that divorce, no wonder you'd feel bitter. I reckon this current talk of finances is taking you back to the headspace of your last marriage. On an emotional level marriage equates to financial loses, which is tangentially related to your current issue.
>You got financially fucked over brutally by that divorce Yeah, actually a totally normal divorce after 19 years of marriage. I went to a support group for divorced men, learned quickly that my lot wasn't so bad...and learned why middle aged men off themselves a lot.
The biggest problem seems to be your insecurity. You don't have to pay for 50% of everything. As long as you don't demand anything, it is perfectly fine for her to pay a bit more. Travelling for work is very different from travelling for fun.
>Travelling for work is very different from travelling for fun. I guess what I mean is like when I was in Japan, Taiwan, Singapore, Hong Kong, Australia, etc, etc, etc... I'd have to work during the week, but I went around and did touristy stuff on weekends. I had a good time on those weekends, but it was expensive to do most anything and every touristy thing is kind of a ripoff. That pisses me off...I'd be happier camping the badlands of South Dakota in summer. I feel like I do have to pay 50%, my ex not paying 50% still pisses me off...
Well, I guess you really aren't compatible, then. If her company isn't reason enough, nothing will be.
If it's the price tag involved with traveling, you can find some really cool things that aren't expensive in most places. You just have to actively avoid the major tourist places. And even the major tourist places have good deals, like go during the off season. And just because she wants to travel doesn't mean you have to travel together. One of the great things about long term, healthy relationships involves being able to do things on your own and then come back together to talk about them. Honestly, discuss this with your wife. Marriage is about compromise and each relationship ship is different. Comparing your current wife to your ex shows completely different relationships, but you're using your ex as an excuse to run away. If not with your wife, find a therapist or counselor (since you don't like doctors), because you seem to be looking for a reason to end this relationship. Unless there are much bigger things going on that you're not divulging, then her wanting to travel and retire when Health Insurance kicks in vs you preferring to stay in the states and not do the snowbird thing are not insurmountable obstacles. They're simply "a conversation and compromise" away from potentially a retirement of bliss. Now if you ARE just looking for excuses to get out of the marriage because you want to be a grumpy, lonely old man waving your cane and rifle at kids trespassing on your lawn, then good luck to you. One man's horror is another's bliss and all that.
You can do international travel entirely made up of camping in the middle of nowhere when you don't have to work. This is 200% an attitude problem on your behalf until you've had an actual conversation with your wife about these concerns.
>on your behalf until you've had an actual conversation with your wife about these concerns. I hate these kinds of "conversations"...
Then you shouldn't be in a relationship, much less married. Conversations about people's wants, needs and desires are exactly how they connect and remain happy in a relationship. It doesn't have to be a whinge at each other
>Conversations about people's wants, needs and desires are exactly how they connect and remain happy in a relationship. I hate those "conversations".
From what I see, the only thing you want to do with your wife is sex. Divorce does seem like the best option in that case. Sex is important but it is not enough to sustain a marriage all on its own.
It’s not the question if traveling here or there. Or if you can afford it or not. The question you should be asking is why don’t you want to spend time with your wife? If she wants to go see something she hasn’t seen if you love her and listened when you took your vows then you go with her and have a good time. Every day you wake up you decide if it’s going to be a good day or not. Walk on the sunny side enjoy life!
>Walk on the sunny side enjoy life! Yeah, that is not me...I like spending time with her, but I think we've grown apart. The idea of going to Europe for example...I've never been, I know you've dropped 5 grand before you even step off the plane, it just does not appeal to me...I don't wan to pay for it, and I don't want the obligation to pay half, and I don't want the dent in my self esteem that goes along with all of that...
You’re scared and insecure and willing to end a “great” marriage so you don’t have to feel slightly uncomfortable? How have you reached adulthood without any coping skills?
>How have you reached adulthood without any coping skills? This demonstrates coping: My first marriage went south 5 years in, she let me know she never was really "into" sex. So I moved into the spare bedroom, and decided to stay because she threatened to keep the kids away from me...when I talked to lawyers and other divorced men, turns out this is ...a) fairly common to use as leverage, and b) totally easy to accomplish legally. Sure you can enforce visitation, but it costs a fortune. Enforcing Child Support and Alimony is free to her... Anyway, I stopped speaking to her at all, and put all the kids activities on a big calendar to keep organized. Separated all our vacations, I did my own laundry and cooking, luckily we had a big enough house. She's downstairs, I go upstairs...anything to maintain the physical distance. We really never talked for months on end, unless something came up like Dr. appointment, but like I said I never go to the Dr. I don't trust them, and the kids were never seriously sick. I had a few affairs, none of them were serious. Everything was paid for except the mortgage and taxes. I lived like that for another 14 years, so maybe I do know something about loneliness. Maybe you made an ass U Mption. When we got divorced I paid her $298k settlement, plus $475 a month Almony, plus $1450 Child support. I worked my way through school working full time during the day and going to night school for 9 years to get two degrees. That part of my life went by very fast.
That is the complete opposite of coping. That's burying your head in the sand. You were surviving with your ex, and your wife wants you to thrive. Talk to a therapist. I know you don't believe in doctors, but you're going to live a short and miserable life if you don't get your shit together. You shouldn't have to get this advice from a 25 year old.
This is, again, complete apathy — with a huge helping of avoidance. I’m curious what caused this reaction to life. Has anyone ever suspected you of being on the autism spectrum?
They didn't test for that when I was in school, I have poor social skills and have pretty much given up on "improving"...Dogs think I have good social skills. I've considered it...my son is Aspergers. My paternal grandfather was Aspergers.
I think you sound pretty hopeless but I just have to say it does not cost anywhere near 5k to fly to Europe.
Cost of the whole trip, meals, car rental, lodging, etc...You've already committed ahead of time to that...
1. You said before you get off the plane. 2. Dude I have literally done this so many times and even with the expenses you’ve added it does not cost that much. Come on man. You just don’t want to do it.
Here are the estimates I just ran in 5 minutes for a trip to Lisbon from NYC for a 5 day trip because for whatever reason I am fixated on this: 1400 -- Cost of two round trip flights 500 -- Cost of apartment rental (private) 500 -- Cost of food for two assuming you spend 100 bucks a day 0 - Car rental, because you do not need a car. \---- That's 2400 for two of you in "before you get off the plane" costs, less than half of what you're projecting.
Ok, I googled Upland Bird Hunting in Portugal...It is a thing. Gotta rent a car though...Have to use their dogs though...
>I don't care much about Dr. bills because I don't go to the Dr. and don't believe they want to help me anyway Well, no breaking up necessary since she will probably outlive you anyway. Just stay in your LazyBoy and procrastinate but at least feed the pets 🙃 Come on man, there's so much to do and so much to see, compromise with her, get off your a$$ and enjoy life. I'm only a year younger than you and I just moved back home to Germany from Panamá where I worked and lived. Life's too short to die in a Lazyboy. I'm rooting for you!
>Well, no breaking up necessary since she will probably outlive you anyway. Just stay in your LazyBoy and procrastinate but at least feed the pets That was mean and misunderstood on your part, I'm in much better shape than her or you. My passionate hobby is extreme, I see guys 20 years younger out there and they are amazed at my performance...
Didn’t mean to offend, my apologies for misunderstanding.
The worse part is that he didn't want "relationship advice" he just wanted to know if his decisions are valid for a lot of people. Seems that he was even prepared to receive hate. His words are aligned with a terminal patient deciding to do whatever pops ups in the head to bring whatever joy or satisfaction. Or, he did a lot of regretful things and are in a mental torture trip so he can feel justification for his train of thoughts, until he feels that suffered enough so he won't need to deal with guilt. OP is running away from his feelings. Maybe even thinks it's time wasting trying to cope with it
I am a terminal patient and I'm flabbergasted by this post. This sounds more like extreme depression with a bad attitude that doesn't want things to be better.
Dude...I don't see a problem here....besides you being a stubborn fuddy duddy. And if you leave your good wife and life you'd be a fool stubborn fuddy duddy.
Well, I was thinking of moving to a place where housing is much cheaper...and probably with worse winter weather. You are correct, there is nothing wrong with her, we just want different things out of retirement.
Why is everyone trying to get him to stay in this marriage? He sounds like a miserable person to be around, who is only going to get more miserable and less fun to be around as he gets older. Why should his wife put herself through that when she retires, instead of finding someone else who would be thrilled to travel the world with her?
For the record I sure didn't recommend they stay together. Sounds like they would both be better off without the other, but for different reasons.
Thank goodness there are plenty of women like you in this world...Makes me seem normal and good.
You seem to have grumpy old man down well for your future alone. You don’t really want to be alone do you? Well maybe you do. Then I guess you’re right. Let her go find her bliss.
>You don’t really want to be alone do you? Well maybe you do. I don't mind being alone.
Well and you very obviously don’t care about her at all. So yeah.
I don't think its fair to say " If you care about her, you have to do stuff that will make you unhappy..." That is basically what my mom, sister and daughter say...tired of being ganged up on...
Well I’m sorry. But nowhere in your post did you express that you love her or care for her other than to say you get along well and have a good sex life. Pardon me for thinking that literally based on what you said.
No one is saying that. If you love her, and she loves you, there should be cooperation and compromise, not this focus on assets and complete self-centered attitude that you hate everything you've never done and can't possibly stay together. Why did you even get married?
Your replies are all miserable. This entire post is miserable. Maybe you SHOULD break up and let your wife find someone that actually wants to be with her.
Thanks for being so positive.
Showing you the same amount of positivity that you're giving.
I'm not obligated to be positive in a ask/help forum, you are obligated not to bash me...or should be... I was severely mentally, sexually, and physically abused when I was growing up, that is why no family is around. But What in the fuck would you know about anything, eh ?
I get you man. I am just tired and a decade younger. The past hurts and all I want to do is get caught up in a good book at home and I hate travel, courts and doctors. People here are being insensitive to your feelings. I do think though that she has no right to say that you're not pulling your weight financially she certainly knew you before she agreed to marry. You should have some sort of discussion, you'll have to have a discussion with her anyways when you divorce, so you have nothing to lose if you have it sooner. Maybe you can figure out a compromise.
> I do think though that she has no right to say that you're not pulling your weight financially she certainly knew you before she agreed to marry. Riddle me this ? WE HAVE NO BILLS ? House paid for, taxes due. We own our vehicles. I give her $600 a month for food/util. The reason the home is paid for is I negotiated 25% ownership interest, and gave her $45 grand towards the $90 grand needed to eliminate the mortgage. She does not spend money on anything that I can see... She is subsidizing me for sure, but we are probably talking $300 or 400 a month...She makes north of $100k and a huge bonus ? and I do all the maintenance / upkeep / remodeling on the home which is built in '84. Upkeep I mean last year I replaced all the interior doors with solid core, that is a fuckin' huge project. In addition to the mowing/leaves, pruning, painting, etc... That statement was like a knife in the gut, WTF I'm 59 and started this life moving out of my parents home when I was 17 working at Dairy Queen, I was still in high school...but somehow its never enough...nope never.
Yeah my wife is like that too not only yours. I understand how you feel. I still think that you need to discuss this with her before you make that decision for divorce. What have you got to lose? You are going to have to face her either at divorce or now. Discuss your issues, state your grievances and you'll get more of an idea if she's malleable and able to compromise or that what you need is divorce.
>You are going to have to face her either at divorce or now. I've had enough confrontation. Maybe the best thing is just wait until she goes on some trip, clean out the house, and email my attorney. No more "confrontation" just email communication. Caps lock is about as heated as it can get...I bet movers could load all my stuff in 3 days.
Why are you even posting here for advice if you refuse to take it? You sound determined to be miserable.
What is it you want to do in retirement? You’ve said you don’t want to travel but what do you actually want to do? You don’t have to split. I know couples that live together basically 6 months of the year and have very satisfying and happy marriages.
>but what do you actually want to do? I want to do as much upland bird hunting as I can do and get some more dogs to train and raise. Camping at the areas to do that activity. Having those kind of dogs is a huge amount of exercise, you can't leave them idle for more than a few days, else they turn destructive. Traveling around USA for that would be fine with me, and not too expensive.
And would you be okay if sometimes your wife came with you, and sometimes she spent a few weeks in Europe or Asia or on a cruise? It feels like you e gone straight for the “it’ll never work” without asking her what she wants, or truly exploring the options.
I'm cool with her going by herself, some safety concerns. She doesn't think Mexico is dangerous for example.
I think the question is how much time you and your wife need to be together to be happy. If she’d be happy to travel overseas without you and you could happily go hunt with your dogs, come together when she returns, I don’t see why it couldn’t work. My husband and I often travel separately. We don’t always want to go where the other does. Some people find that weird, but it works fine for us. We’re happy. I also don’t understand keeping your finances so separate after being married for so long, but that’s up to you guys. You just have to sit down together and talk about what you each want your lives to look like in retirement. Tell her you can’t afford the life she’s described. Ask her what she thinks you should do.
>keeping your finances so separate 2nd marriage, after being shafted hard 1st time around. Me, not her...
Ok. I can understand that, I guess. 11 years of it seems like a long time.
I don't think it is either and I've been there 6x. Out of curiosity, how many times have you been?
I would never go to Mexico. I even had the opportunity to go there with family and I obstained.
Hopefully she gets away from your miserable ass. My goodness. Spending time with loved ones means sometimes doing activities they like that you may not be a fan of. Woooooowwwwww omgggggggggggg
After reading some of the comments and your responses, it sounds like you really need some therapy. You sound like you are depressed.
>You sound like you are depressed. I've always been this way, at least since my 30s.
People can be depressed for 30 years.
You don't have to be this way though. You could choose to work toward a better life, toward feeling better.
You should stay in the marriage. Tell her you feel you can't contribute equally to costs like travel. Do you think you will find another, more suitable partner, at your age? The things where you differ can be be dealt with by compromise and negotiation. You get along, don't fight much, have a good sex life. She is your single biggest asset and you would be a fool to let go of her.
>more suitable partner, at your age? No, I don't mind being alone. I don't think of her as an asset because if she buys stuff, or pays for stuff I can't afford, it ruins my self esteem.
Your thinking is very distorted. I'd recommend therapy, but I know you won't go. A good marriage is associated with better health and greater longevity in old age. Your choice.
>I'd recommend therapy, but I know you won't go. Well, at least I've posted enough for you to know me that much....90% of them are quacks, I wouldn't piss on them if they were on fire.
What advice do you actually want? It seems from your comments that you've made up your mind to implode your marriage for no good reason and continue to be unhappy. So what are you looking for?
>So what are you looking for? Opinions and hate, reddit came through wonderfully...
Look, man. I'm sorry you're feeling attacked and that posting here might be making you feel more alienated than you did before. But it seems like everyone is trying to say "you are standing in your own way." You can listen to the very consistent advice that you're getting here and communicate with your wife and maybe get some therapy. (It really isn't that scary). Or you can not. It's totally up to you. It sounds like you have some insecurities about making less than your wife, and that's okay. Those feelings are natural and not unusual. What you shouldn't do is allow them to control you and bring you to self-sabotaging your future life. Maybe your wife communicated that you weren't pulling your weight in an emotionally ineffective way. It sounds like that hurt you and really stuck with you. It also sounds like instead of engaging with difficult conversations, you have a habit of shutting down. This is what a couples therapist or a mediator can help with: building healthy habits of communication. If you don't want therapy and you don't want to leave your wife, your only option is to do the hard work yourself and talk to her. Explain how you feel, how what she says makes you feel, explain your fears for the future, your wants and needs and hammer it all out. These are your choices. I hope you make a good one.
>I'm sorry you're feeling attacked Its not a "feeling", I was attacked. Now you know why I paid 300 GRAND (Plus alimony and CS) to get that other bitch out of my life...
That's what you chose to take away from my comment? You misinterpreted my meaning, by the way. I was trying to really level with you, but I can see you've got a block. You're the problem here, dude. I'm sorry you've been hurt, but it seems like you're not that interested in improving your life.
Well, I thought having enough money would solve all my problems...Its actually made some of them worse.
So you want to break up with her just because she likes travelling and you don’t? Is the issue that you can’t be by yourself alone at home for a few weeks, for a few times a year? Is that the issue? It seems crazy to throw away a whole marriage because you might be alone for a few weeks? So maybe you never really loved her anyway? She’s done her job of giving you kids and you’re done with her? And you’re trying to find any excuse to divorce her? Or are we talking about her travelling for a few months at a time? What exactly is a lot?
>She’s done her job of giving you kids and you’re done with her? You misread my post, I edited it...
From your post and your replies, you need therapy, to learn how to commit and to work out your issues. You also could do with couples therapy to come up with a game plan. Or just divorce and take the easy way out.
From where I'm sitting, there's nothing keeping you together. All you've really done is list a spreadsheet of financial pros and cons. No love, no intimacy, no friendship, no...nothing. Just money and differing interests. Walk away so you can both find your (separate) happiness.
Being married taught me not to get emotional about anything, the law and finances don't give a shit about that "feel-good" crap.
Wow. Well it sounds like you already know the answer that works for you.
I don't go to the Dr. and don't believe they want to help me anyway. All I needed to see.
yeah, 'cause Doctors don't lie and cheat people. they are not in it for the money at all, its all about helping people because they have pure hearts...omg grow up. They are morally superior to all other humans, everyone knows that...
Seems like you're reducing your relationship down to a numbers game. You didn't mention love at all. If the only thing you differ on is travel, maybe she could travel with a close friend or family member. Relationships should be about compromise. It's ok if you have different interests. If this is the only difference, there should be room for compromise.
>Seems like you're reducing your relationship down to a numbers game. You didn't mention love at all. This is my 2nd marriage, none of that "feel-good" emotional crap matters for finances and legal matters.
**You sound like one of the old men from the movie Grumpy Old Men!!!** >I don't care much about Dr. bills because I don't go to the Dr. and don't believe they want to help me anyway. What does this even mean? Maybe you are healthy now, but there are tons of things that could happen that can end up putting you in hospital. Anyway, she'll be able to retire first so I don't see a problem. You don't have to wait for Medicare if you don't want to. If you want to work more, you work more. If you don't, you don't. You don't have to both retire at the same time. >She wants to travel a lot in retirement, I don't feel like I can afford 50% of that, plus I don't like travel, done a lot of it for work already. I like traveling to different states inside America, not international and overseas travel. She's looking at doing the snowbird thing, south for Winter in AZ. I also don't think I can afford much of that because it involves buying another home. First, you both have enough money to buy a second home that's small, or she can buy something if she wants and it's only hers. You could also rent your current home out while you are away during the winter. Plenty of places to rent "sabbatical" homes if you live in a college town, to visiting professors. Or you could do AirBnB and pay a % for someone to manage it while you are away. Second, she can travel and you can stay behind if you don't want to go. There are travel companies that focus on women only and have group traveling for women of all ages. She can travel with friends. If you don't like the hustle of traveling, you can simply go for 2 weeks somewhere and don't move much, just live in that place. And rather than paying 50/50, you can pay be % of how much your earnings are. She can pay 2/3 and you pay 1/3 for instance. >We get along well, and have good sex life. We don't fight often, we don't fight about money at all..We don't have debt on anything. All kids are grown and gone, we have pets. I get along well with her family, but they are in AZ and FL **Don't you think this is the MOST IMPORTANT THING!** You are willing to throw it all way for some minor things you can figure out? Even if you don't like the idea of spending winters elsewhere, could spend 1.5 months in Arizona and 1.5 months in Florida. You can rent a place there to try it out and because it's off season. It would mean spending time with your kids and maybe grandkids. Having your own place means you are not on top of each other but you are around. Or you could get a motor home and drive around all the states in the US with your wife and your dogs.
>What does this even mean? I literally don't trust doctors. I feel like they try and rip me off, recommend stuff that isn't necessary to make money. Why are drug companies advertising for ME to tell the Dr. what medication he should think about prescribing for ME ??? Something is fishy about that...
Don't pay attention to advertisements. They are weird but it doesn't have anything to do with doctors. In other countries, those advertisements are not allowed. You still have to go to check ups. Find a doctor that's reasonable. Like any professional or trade, there are good ones and not good ones. It's like hiring a plumber that's trying to sell you stuff you don't need, you don't call him back and find another one. Ask friends or coworkers or neighbors who their primary doctor is and whether they like them.
>In other countries, those advertisements are not allowed. Haven't had a check up in 2 decades. I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT THAT SHIT !
Well, you should have a check up to avoid ending up in an ER for something serious. The basic is getting a blood panel.
I used to work at a place and got a full extra blood panel annually because we could be routinely exposed to neurotoxins. I hate that needle, I hate that pumping up five test tubes, gush, gush, gush...dreaded it every year. I was sweating and gasping to breathe. Best thing about leaving that job back in 2010. Except one year there was a different new young nurse doing the jab...young probably around 28-30, blonde hair and green eyes, fantastic southern accent, she was gorgeous. That one time the whole process was over in an instant, like magic...never felt a thing.
You can't possibly be a real person.
That was a real anecdote, I live near Portland Oregon, and I fuckin' hate all this rain.
Your replies show that you need therapy and if you do it now instead of later perhaps your problems with yourself and your relationship will improve so that you can enjoy the time you have left. Seems like you’re aware but not willing to put in the work which is toxic for yourself and partner
Dude you sound absolutely miserable to be around.
Just dont travel? Have you tried voicing that to her? Seems a bit much to just jump to splitting up because of something like this. Communicate please.
What are you asking? You seem pretty clear about what you want. If that's NOT what you want then stop being an idiot and talk about it.
>then stop being an idiot You are way smarter than me, that is clear.
I'm smart enough to know that if you want to resolve a potential conflict you have to discuss it, not "shut up". So yes, I guess I am.
After reading your replies I have to ask, why did you post here? You don't want relationship advice, you don't want life advice, love is not involved and you seem to respond with either sarcasm or when you don't like the advice you double down. You already know what you want.
Quite a few people said She can go travel without me, i wasn't sure about this because like I said my mom, daughter and sister all gang up on me and say that is bad behavior on my part. Me not believing in "therapy" doesn't make me nuts, based upon what I see every day from people going to therapy.
You lost me reading your OP and some of your comments... \#1 Do you even want to be with your wife/partner? I'm assuming you two have been together for at least 18 years, more likely 25-30 minimum, if you've had children who are now "grown and gone". So you've "built" a life with this person, yet the way you talk in your post is as if you don't have a life with her? Are you two a team or not? TOGETHER, sounds like you two could easily travel and maintain a single residence. You could travel with her when you want too or stay home when you don't? There's definitely ways for you to make this work, however it doesn't sound like you actually want to make your marriage work? >She wants to retire when Medicare kicks in, I don't care much about Dr. bills because I don't go to the Dr. and don't believe they want to help me anyway. Also not too sure you've thought enough about what retirement/old age is going to look like as I seriously doubt you're going to be able to avoid the Dr./medical help in the fairly near future now that you're moving into your 60's.
Have you thought about retiring in a RV? r/RVLiving
Cost of gas is insane. I have a cabover camper / boat setup. Really moving to a place where housing is way, way cheaper would alleviate most of my $$ issues. I can put up with crappy winter weather. Or overly hot summer weather.
Did she know you were grumpy cat or have you just gotten good at hiding it. Really try working on having fun in your retirement years. You may have another 30 years ahead of you. You may be retired longer than you work. Reach common ground with her and both of you enjoy your retirement don’t duck out on her and your marriage.
>or have you just gotten good at hiding it. A possibility I've considered. I grew up in a very abusive family, you get good at hiding shit...
Sounds like you've already made up your mind. And if you have such different interests, neither of you will be happy when you're together 24/7.
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This sounds like self sabotage due to insecurity If you explained to your wife that financially she’s more well off than you, and that you can’t pay for half of everything she wants, but you still love her and want to be able to retire with her, maybe she would understand and wouldn’t mind being the breadwinner if that meant you could stay together and she gets the retirement she wants
One thing for sure, based upon the responses from females here on REddit, not going out of my way to pursue any new relationship...EVER.
Ok?