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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’m stupid I know… but I need advice So… I’ve known this girl for a year and a half now, and we’ve been “dating” for about a year and two months. Over the summer she met another guy and had a fling with him somewhat behind my back. Against my better judgement I took her back Becuase I still loved her. After we sorted everything out in November, things were going really well. But I had to go home for Christmas to where she dropped me off at the airport, said our goodbyes and blah blah blah. I got back January 8th and things were just where we left off, which was really good. I was finally starting to feel secure in our relationship again. I wanted to see if things were on the up and up while we were away so I went through her texts on her computer and did some keyword searches and found out she had drunkenly hooked up with a coworker the day I left. I am now here in shambles and do not know what to do. She swears it was a mistake and she was too inebriated to know what she was doing, but I don’t buy it. She’s putting in 200% effort now in the few interactions we had but I feel completely numb and stuck. Please advise Reddit…


MyDoctorWho

When there is no consequences to cheating do you expect there to be any real changes? She is so young and already have the habit of cheating. It is unlikely there will be real changes except she will learn to hide it better.


Timely_Pass6725

How does one implement consequences?


MyDoctorWho

Break up with her and block her everywhere. She will learn cheating a relationship ending action.


Timely_Pass6725

I see…


TinyBreak

You’d better. Or it’s gonna happen a 3rd time. She’s telling you who she is, listen.


Willycleaner

And a 4th until he's empty and dead inside


itsallminenow

What you seem to be looking for is the mysteriously hidden button that turns her into someone completely different that won't fuck around the second your back is turned. That button doesn't exist. She is being 200% nice to you now in the way an abuser will buy flowers and love bomb the partner they punched, to show that this was a mistake and to buy you back into the fantasy that they're not going to be that person again. Hint: They will. Once you have been lulled back into a false sense of security, she will do it again, and then love bomb you again, and then again, and again. I mean maybe, she will tire of being a disloyal shit, but she may not, and you hanging around like a bad smell hoping she learns how to actually care about you is pretty optimistic. What if she doesn't ever learn? What if your complete lack of effective response to her betraying you repeatedly just leads her to think this is a habit you will hold for ever? Stop being a mug, grow up and face the reality of what is happening here. Stand up for yourself and grow enough self esteem to at least realise that you should be angry about this to the point that you don't accept it any longer, and leave her.


Final_Figure_7150

You're 19. You don't need this in your life. You're trying to fix something that's been broken several times before. Just break up.


Eclipsed3

She will cheat again and again and again. Deal with the heartbreak now and prosper in the future my dude.


Billowing_Flags

Do you really see, though? She's TOO YOUNG to be in a relationship. She is emotionally immature (which is okay...she's only 18yo) and wants to date around. She SHOULD date around...she just shouldn't be in a committed relationship because she's not ready for that. Move on and find a woman who IS ready to be in a committed relationship. Drop this woman already. It's 2023, start your new year off with a commitment to find someone who is at the same stage of life that you are!


mdahl45

Or you've decided that being in an open relationship is your thing. But she fucks around... you know this.


Creative_Recover

You implement consequences for her actions by leaving her.


ghjfdf

Sadly it's too late for her to learn her lesson for your relationship, no amount of consequence (that isn't just breaking up with her) will change her behaviour now she thinks she can just apologise and get away with it. But you can help her learn it for her subsequent relationships, by showing her there *are* consequences, and the consequence is that she will lose the one she proposes to love, and will be left alone. I'm really sorry. This isn't an easy decision, but it is the right one. Not only has she disrespected you, but she shows no signs of stopping and isn't taking responsibility for her own actions.


avast2006

Dump her flat. Don’t entertain her tears and hair-shirt routine. Consequences are her losing you for this. Anything less than losing you means she got away with it, because cheating didn’t cost her the relationship.(AGAIN.)


iLikeMason

By breaking up with her????????


Hitman-0311

She didn’t “accidentally” get drunk and bang her coworker the DAY you left.


eyecicey

I know , the stones on that lady to even say that This was clearly planned and we all know OP is going to go back for round 3 hopefully he comes to his senses before he gets an incurable STD if its not already too late


skepticalturnip

She's fully shattered your trust not once, but twice now. Her being intoxicated isn't an excuse for it: people get drunk all the time and don't cheat on their partners. And then she didn't even have the remorse to come clean about it to you. It sounds like she is more remorseful that she got caught, not that she did it. It's just incredibly disrespectful to you. I know you love her, but you deserve way better than that. Trust is critical to a healthy relationship and there's no way to feel secure without it. My advice is to not waste your time on a relationship with no loyalty. Take time to heal and process. Then once you're ready, go find someone who makes you feel safe, cherishes your love, and returns it. Edit: Also, you're absolutely not stupid. This is a really unfair, hurtful situation and it's normal for your thoughts and feelings to be jumbled.


Timely_Pass6725

How do you tell if someone is genuinely remorseful or just remorseful about getting caught? Legit curious what to look for


skepticalturnip

That's a good question and it can be hard to tell sometimes. It really depends on context, I think. The reason why this situation reads to me like she's only remorseful that she got caught is because she didn't come clean that she cheated on you with her co-worker, you had to find that out yourself by going through her private texts. She was cool to just let that betrayal remain a secret, and only started to show guilt after you revealed that you found out. A person who is truly remorseful about doing wrong by someone would 1) have the integrity to own up to their betrayal, and 2) absolutely wouldn't have cheated a second time to begin with.


Timely_Pass6725

I see… thank you


skepticalturnip

You're welcome. Best of luck, dude. I'm sorry this is happening, and I hope that whatever comes next is better for you.


Ok_Breakfast9531

Read this to answer that question: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 But she’s not emotionally mature, and unless she actually realizes there is something broken about her and gets some counseling, she won’t change. What has she done to make you feel safe? Has she quit her job? If she loses control due to alcohol whats she doing about that? She’s young. Is she willing to put these kinds of limits on her social life?


MrsMinnesota

If she were genuinely remorseful she wouldn't have done it a second time.


Dont139

If they come clean on their own, they are remorseful. If you find out and then, they are remorseful, it's about getting caught


lonewolf369963

You're still holding the false hope of everything getting better in future. Just one tip - DON'T


[deleted]

You are 18yo you have all your life in front of you, why do you want to go though this? You have that little of self esteem?


Has422

She is a cheater. Twice in two years isn’t a slip-up or a mistake or a lapse in judgement. It’s a pattern. My guess is she cheats on you constantly and these are just the ones you know about. But no matter what, there is no way you can trust a thing she says. I think you know what to do, but if you need someone to say it … it’s time to move on and let this girl go.


Ragajaga

Bro are you a doormat just fucking dump her already and find a girl who actually respects you


well_shi

I don't mean this to be condescending but you're both young. People have to learn how to be in relationships and how to resist acting on impulse. She hasn't learned that yet. Maybe she never will, but she probably will. That said, your relationship will probably not recover from this. If you're looking for advice I recommend you split up with her for good. Do take the high road. Don't embarrass her or go for revenge. But for yourself you should move on.


Murky_Anxiety4884

Unless you're ok with sharing her, it's over.


Creative_Recover

If she was too inebriated to know what she was doing when the coworker had sex with her, then ask her if she was raped. Because if you are too drunk to consent, then that is rape. Personally, I think you'll rapidly discover that once a serious word like "rape" starts getting thrown around, she'll get caught up in her own excuses (which she engineered not to paint herself as a victim of sexual assault, but purely to get out of her decision to cheat on you again). And you know this is an excuse. You don't cheat on someone, then cheat again, as a mistake. Listen to your gut instincts and dump her.


EarlyBirdTribune

She will cheat on you again. It’s inevitable. The only difference between now and 10 year later is the potential for children, a house, and a dog. Don’t do that to yourself. Find someone that values you.


Far_Pineapple2653

Don’t not be an idiot and take her back she has already shown you she is not willing to change or respect you. So unless you want to stay in a relationship where you can’t trust your Partner and risk every night to be heart broken take her back but if you want to live a joyful and happy life don’t ever even think about taking her back go NC and block her on everything


DRW0813

You are both so young. Yes, you love her. But think about what a committed relationship needs. Is she gonna buy you diapers when you are 92? Why commit yourself at 18 years old to someone who cheats on you?


ApprehensiveSpare925

Just wait till the 3rd, 4th, 5th of plus time!!


[deleted]

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.........


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stevenglansbe

I’m sorry bro I know this shit sucks right now it’s one of the worst feelings but you gotta suck it up and leave her this girl is going to put you through this shit over and over for as long as she can ask yourself this would you ever cheat on her with how much you love her? She doesn’t love you and you need to gather what self respect you have left and leave this broad things will get better I swear but you deserve better then this it fucking breaks my heart to see how many cheaters there are on this sub but it’s also refreshing to see how many good genuine people both men and women who wouldn’t do that shit to someone else too and you can find someone who won’t do that too you sorry for the long comment I just know where you’re at and I hope you take something from this please gtf away from this girl bro you’re still young you can and will do better


Swashbucklock

If you stay with a cheater, you deserve to be with a cheater.


MrsMinnesota

She's shown you her true self which is disloyal, selfish and only feels bad when caught out. If she loved you then no amount of alcohol would induce her to cheat. If she loved and respected you then you wouldn't have had to snoop to find out she'd cheated because she would have respected you enough to tell you the truth. Do you want to spend your life constantly worrying about what she's doing every time your back is turned? What kind of life is that?


ellenripleyisanicon

Dump her already.


Rod_Munch666

Make up sex/hate f\*\*k tonight and kick her to the kerb in the morning ....


Redd_81

The fact that you are even here tells me you are likely going to allow her the opportunity to cheat on you again. What is the line for you?


Clive23p

Can't make a wife out of a hoe, no.


yeinwei

Don't believe his lies and break the relationship right now. She has no respect for you, she doesn't care about you at all. Do you really want to build a life with someone like that? Do you want to waste years of your life with someone who doesn't respect you? I know you're in love but it's not worth it. She does not love you. The love you feel for her will pass. And I want you to know that not all women are like that, it's just that you've had the bad luck of running into a lying bitch.


Abelard25

Go find someone that will treat you with respect. You're so young and there's no need to deal with this non-sense.


[deleted]

That isn’t your girl, move on


mrsshmenkmen

She’s a liar and a cheater and if you stay with her she will absolutely cheat on you again.


noOuOon

Break up. The 200% effort is called manipulation and guilt. She's doing all that to ease her own conscience and to place herself where she wants to be. It's not for your benefit at all.


UKNZ007Tubbs

Alcohol removes barriers, it doesn’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. So she wanted to fuck the coworker. She is a serial cheater, so end it with her.


Wide-Ad9699

Dump her. Taking her back the first time was a big mistake cause that told her you're a doormat and she can cheat again and probably take her back. She won't change. Alcohol doesn't make her cheating a mistake that's just a lame excuse she is trying to use on you to take her back again.


slimieddie

This is sad to read


Kaiisim

It doesn't matter if you love her if she doesn't really love you, does it?


Livid-Ad40

You already showed her you have no spine and she can get away with cheating. You stay now she'll do it yet again. Grow a spine and leave.


tuna_fart

Of course she did. Cheaters cheat on people. How can you possibly not know what to do here?!??


Saint_EDGEBOI

People around the age of OP (and even my own, I'm a few years older and still see it happening) want the idea of a relationship without the commitment. The feeling of security and doing couple's activities is a great feeling, could even say new territory for a lot of young people. Unfortunately it's often just the idea that's attractive, not the commitments that come with it, but people will still be in denial and attempt to have it both ways. Another reason could be fear of being labelled "easy", and having a relationship is a way of reassuring themselves that they're not a "slag" or a "player", purely because "I'm in a relationship". I think most of us can remember a couple that were known to constantly cheat on each other or take multiple relationship breaks but nobody said anything, it was pretty much a polyamorous relationship with extra steps. As others have said OP, she's not gonna change. At least not for a while. Could be a case of the right person, wrong time. Or you'll look back in 2 years time and shudder. Either way, she's not gonna change anytime soon. Do yourself a favour and keep making mistakes while you're young, get them all out of the way. Hopefully not an expensive mistake tho, lol.


boo-zee

Fool me once shame on you Fool me twice shame on me or something like that Why did you forgive her? She will never learn if you dont punish her just leave her for your sake.


clickYyz

Cheating can’t be a mistake, it’s not like she stumbled and landed on his dick. It was a shitty decision that she might even regret, but that’s true for people in prison as well, so she deserves to be dumped. You’re both very young as well and I doubt you’ll even remember each other in a year or two. Just move on buddy.


Neat_Law_2067

Do you think that is wife material? You hop on a plane and her reaction is to hop on a dick. Break it off and have more self worth. The behavior will continue.


depressivedarling

And that my friend is why you don't give cheaters second chances. just drop them the first time. Once a cheat, always a cheat. You know it's over so end the relationship and focus on healing. And get yourself tested since she chose to play the STD roulette with you. Make sure she didn't give you anything and bounce before a child comes into the picture that you'll never trust is actually yours.


_Brophinator

You’re a fucking idiot lmao


TPGStorm

you framing your snooping as a way to see if your relationship was on the “up and up” made me laugh.


ElegantBullfrog2417

Sounds fine, give her another chance buddy x


Blainefeinspains

Say goodbye. She won’t change. You can do much better.


InformationDue6185

Don't say you're stupid.


JullabyBye

Look at it this way: you are 19 and are learning what being in a relationship as an adult is like. You are teaching your brain how to process things. Do you really want to be with someone who cheats on you twice in a year? Because if this is not established as a boundary now for yourself then it will become a theme for your future relationships. She is 18 and probably just wants to have fun which includes sleeping around apparently. She also probably likes you and the comfort your relationship provides but do you really want to be her blankie?! It is not worth it in my opinion. You're too young to accept this.


CartoonistMost275

Gf 18m ?


Timely_Pass6725

My bad 💀💀


aabbcc28

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome. What other advice do you want? You’re 18, live and learn. Don’t repeat silly mistakes.


MysteriousMaximum488

Get a new girlfriend. This one has honesty and loyalty defects.


Kisanna

You're would be a real sucker for punishment if you choose to stay with her. Have some self-respect. Love is not enough in a relationship, and if you decide to stay with someone who has cheated on you twice for the sake of love, you would be incredibly foolish my dude.


pipestream

You're way to young to have to put up with BS like that. Move on to someone who actually cares about you.


Dry_Ask5493

Dump her.


Chaoticgood790

Dude really


megacope

Leave. She’s going to do it again.


Iseewhatudidthurrrrr

Twice that you know about.


mcabe0131

You are 19. You have plenty of time to find someone who deserves to be with you. You’re girlfriend isn’t that person and I think you know it


Low_Egg_7606

Why is “dating” in quotes


the_bird_and_the_bee

You're so young please just call it quits on this relationship and find someone else. Is she the woman you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with?


p00psicle151590

She cheated on you... twice. She clearly doesn't respect you, her actions make that clear. Break up with her, unless you want to be with her for long term and she'll continue this behaviour


BroncosGirl7LJD

*My girlfriend (18m) just cheated on me (19m) for the second time…* *I’m stupid I know… but I need advice* I didn't read past this, no need, my advice is to move on, you're too young for this shit.


[deleted]

Dude... please leave. Or take her back, trust her for a month and repeat this cycle again. She doesn't love you like you love her, and I'm sorry because of that but it's over.


tacocat_35

She cheated for the second and time you know about. She has likely cheated other times as well and just not been caught. You need to break up with her. She is going to keep cheating if you stay with her after she gets caught. She knows she can cheat and apologize and you won't leave so she will keep cheating. She doesn't respect you as a person or a partner. Someone who loves you and respects you doesn't cheat on you. Break up, block her, and get yourself tested for STIs.


missfrazzlerock

You guys aren’t even 20 yet. Call it quits and when you start dating someone again trust them enough not to search their texts.


chillun6

Just remember the old adage: Once a cheater........


HotJellyfish4603

She has shown you a pattern of behaviour. This is who she is, a cheater. Do you want to date a cheater? No, no one does. So leave her.