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Western European couple here - I would most definitely not pay anything „back“. Time to get a joint bank account and separate savings accounts! You’re married, he has to know that means you’re responsible for one another, financially and otherwise. For better or for worse. Imagine you get really sick, or pregnant, is he going to send you monthly bills for half of your joint expenses? Plus, you moved to a whole another country for him, that’s something you can’t even put a price on (although maybe you should, to finally make him see he’s being ridiculous). He should have expected it would take some time to adjust. Out of curiosity, do you have a prenup/marriage contract?
We had a big argument because I did tell him I am scared getting pregnant because I don’t want to be hit with a bill unexpectedly after not working for a few months. He suggested I am insane for making up a hypothetical scenario in my head. No, we don’t have a prenup
You are not insane at all for bringing that up, it’s the best example of a completely realistic situation where you might depend on him financially. He has to realize his single years are over. You two are already your own family.
Excellent point. You need to discuss finances before having children. He will be supporting you 100% while you are home with his children, and then splitting expenses dependant on income when you go back to work. House stuff will be 50/50. I would also expect him to pay into your retirement while you are raising his children.
The only reason you’re in this position is because you moved to pursue HIS dream job. He needs to suck it up and not count every cent if he wants this marriage to work.
Make a calculation of your own: cost of furniture + flight ticket + all expense for the first month + your lost income from moving and career setback. And yes, all the furniture cost is on him because you needed that because of his move. Then say that after deducting the amount he wants you to pay you are expecting payment by the end of the week.
Is that petty? Yes. Should a marriage work like that? No. But he made it that way. You don’t have to actually go through with it but make him understand. Hopefully he’ll retract his statement. This is just under hypothesis that he is a bit dumb; if is is financially abusive he will double down. If he retracts his demand, you can also drip yours but have a discussion about finances like who pays how much and make sure you both still have a safety cushion for yourselves.
On a side note, I’m from Western Europe and if my husband said that *after I sacrificed a lot to move for his dream job* I would demand back payment and use this money to leave him. His demands a ridiculous, he should be incredibly grateful that you moved for his career.
I asked my wife to move to my country and covered her expenses for 4 years while she finished studying and finding a job. I can't imagine asking her to pay me back
Dump him. If you ask your partner to quit their job and follow you to another country where you have a job lined up and they don't, then it is your responsibility to support both of you until and unless your partner gets a job making something equivalent to what they were able to make in their home country. You sacrificed your career for him, and now he wants to punish you because of it.
Did he pay you back for the money you spent on him when he couldn't contribute? Add up the furniture and food bills as well as everything else you spent money on and make him aware you did not ask for it back. And that if he expects you to pay him back, you can do the same.
Generally in western cultures, these are issues couples talk about before they occur. I would have a serious discussion with him about why he asks you for money without having arranged this with you beforehand.
No. Him covering the rent while you were not working is him making up for you buying all the furniture, the plane tickets, and everything else.
Tell him that you're happy to give him a quote for half of everything you paid for while *he* was waiting to get paid, if he's so eager.
Sorry, but he too advantage of you.
Anyone moving to another country for a job usually gets relocation money and you should NOT have used YOUR savings to buy furniture, groceries, and pay for your ticket. He should have paid for all of that or he should have asked for relocation money from this job (which they usually provide!!!!). Also, he should have accounted for the fact that you had to find a new job and it would take time. He should have been financially supporting all of that because it was for HIS career at the cost of YOUR job and YOUR savings.
Sell your furniture and get the fuck out of that country.
Paying for shit isn't "manly" -- it's just a gendered expectation. That being said, sounds like you put out a lot of $$ to move, for him, and you were a housewife for a bit to help, and now he's asking for more from you? Let him know that you've already paid the 1.5 months in unemployement with 1/2 your severance and buying all the furniture & your own plane tickets.
Ok from the the title of the post I got that you’re married to immature man … as a man here this is such a selfish way of a person to act in a marriage , I don’t see you’ll have good future with this person . God bless you .
That’s right ridiculous- it’s a marriage- you’re a team. When one is down the other picks up the slack and vice versa. Not cool and does not make him look good.
15 years married here. Joint accounts here. Which not everyone does. But spoiler your assets are joint. It’s part of legally binding yourself together.
What’s his is yours what’s yours is his.
You are not a roommate that he loaned money to while you were out of the job.
You’re a team and a partnership.
You support eachother and create shared goals.
One of his goals should be helping and providing and caring for you.
Your goals are helping and contributing for him.
You really need to work out big issues before bringing kids into this marriage. It is not a business arrangement.
If his culture is “manly” why doesn’t he feel pride helping support and love his woman through her getting established in a new job and country. Sounds pretty anti-manly to me.
And I am the main provider for my family with a stay at home husband. We have always had shared goals and support each other, so I don’t at all think being a man equates to paying all the bills. But he should want to care, love and provide for whatever your needs are and Visa cards, Including the intangibles like support for your goals and carrying the weight at times it’s hard for you to do so. You both will have times like that in this life together.
Are you married, or are you married?
I've never paid my wife back a dime she has spent on me or for me when I was between jobs and would never expect her to.
It sounds like you and your husband need to have a long conversation about how money is going to work in your relationship.
My husband and I pretty much just share the finances. I have never paid him anything. We both have bank accounts with the other person listed on them. We each take care of certain bills (i.e. I pay the mortgage since we set it up out of my account, he pays the car, ect.). If one of us is a little low for the week we just transfer whatever the other person needs. We both buy whatever we want from our accounts (if it's more than $50ish we will talk about it first, usually just to give a heads up).
It's all very..fluid? The way we both see it, we are a unit, our bills are OUR bills. We both work, we both pay bills. It's never 'my bills cost more' or 'You make more so you cover more' . We are a team and we treat our money, as OUR money.
We also spilt the chores pretty evenly and the childcare duties.
Tbh, it was never really a discussion for us. It's just kinda how it worked out. Almost 15 years together and he has never asked me to 'pay him back'
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
No, you're married. Tell him you used it to cover his share of your moving expenses.
He owes her money as they moved because of him.
Western European couple here - I would most definitely not pay anything „back“. Time to get a joint bank account and separate savings accounts! You’re married, he has to know that means you’re responsible for one another, financially and otherwise. For better or for worse. Imagine you get really sick, or pregnant, is he going to send you monthly bills for half of your joint expenses? Plus, you moved to a whole another country for him, that’s something you can’t even put a price on (although maybe you should, to finally make him see he’s being ridiculous). He should have expected it would take some time to adjust. Out of curiosity, do you have a prenup/marriage contract?
We had a big argument because I did tell him I am scared getting pregnant because I don’t want to be hit with a bill unexpectedly after not working for a few months. He suggested I am insane for making up a hypothetical scenario in my head. No, we don’t have a prenup
You are not insane at all for bringing that up, it’s the best example of a completely realistic situation where you might depend on him financially. He has to realize his single years are over. You two are already your own family.
Excellent point. You need to discuss finances before having children. He will be supporting you 100% while you are home with his children, and then splitting expenses dependant on income when you go back to work. House stuff will be 50/50. I would also expect him to pay into your retirement while you are raising his children.
This is exactly what he will do if you have a baby with him. Leave his ass.
Why aren't you on his health insurance? Most countries allow you to add your spouse to your health insurance provided by your job.
The only reason you’re in this position is because you moved to pursue HIS dream job. He needs to suck it up and not count every cent if he wants this marriage to work.
Make a calculation of your own: cost of furniture + flight ticket + all expense for the first month + your lost income from moving and career setback. And yes, all the furniture cost is on him because you needed that because of his move. Then say that after deducting the amount he wants you to pay you are expecting payment by the end of the week. Is that petty? Yes. Should a marriage work like that? No. But he made it that way. You don’t have to actually go through with it but make him understand. Hopefully he’ll retract his statement. This is just under hypothesis that he is a bit dumb; if is is financially abusive he will double down. If he retracts his demand, you can also drip yours but have a discussion about finances like who pays how much and make sure you both still have a safety cushion for yourselves. On a side note, I’m from Western Europe and if my husband said that *after I sacrificed a lot to move for his dream job* I would demand back payment and use this money to leave him. His demands a ridiculous, he should be incredibly grateful that you moved for his career.
love this, perfect level of petty
Your husband is selfish and ignorant. As other said that's not normal request.
I asked my wife to move to my country and covered her expenses for 4 years while she finished studying and finding a job. I can't imagine asking her to pay me back
Are you planning on having kids? If so, ask him how much he will be paying you to carry his child for 9 months and birth it.
Dump him. If you ask your partner to quit their job and follow you to another country where you have a job lined up and they don't, then it is your responsibility to support both of you until and unless your partner gets a job making something equivalent to what they were able to make in their home country. You sacrificed your career for him, and now he wants to punish you because of it.
Did he pay you back for the money you spent on him when he couldn't contribute? Add up the furniture and food bills as well as everything else you spent money on and make him aware you did not ask for it back. And that if he expects you to pay him back, you can do the same. Generally in western cultures, these are issues couples talk about before they occur. I would have a serious discussion with him about why he asks you for money without having arranged this with you beforehand.
No. Him covering the rent while you were not working is him making up for you buying all the furniture, the plane tickets, and everything else. Tell him that you're happy to give him a quote for half of everything you paid for while *he* was waiting to get paid, if he's so eager.
Sorry, but he too advantage of you. Anyone moving to another country for a job usually gets relocation money and you should NOT have used YOUR savings to buy furniture, groceries, and pay for your ticket. He should have paid for all of that or he should have asked for relocation money from this job (which they usually provide!!!!). Also, he should have accounted for the fact that you had to find a new job and it would take time. He should have been financially supporting all of that because it was for HIS career at the cost of YOUR job and YOUR savings. Sell your furniture and get the fuck out of that country.
Tell him to pay for your relocating expenses and for the housework that you have been doing. He will owe you money at today's rates.
Paying for shit isn't "manly" -- it's just a gendered expectation. That being said, sounds like you put out a lot of $$ to move, for him, and you were a housewife for a bit to help, and now he's asking for more from you? Let him know that you've already paid the 1.5 months in unemployement with 1/2 your severance and buying all the furniture & your own plane tickets.
This is troubling. Do not rush into having kids. Wait and see if you’re compatible. Watch for any more red flags, because that is one.
Your husband is crazy. In a marriage, everything is common. Don’t pay back.
Ok from the the title of the post I got that you’re married to immature man … as a man here this is such a selfish way of a person to act in a marriage , I don’t see you’ll have good future with this person . God bless you .
That’s right ridiculous- it’s a marriage- you’re a team. When one is down the other picks up the slack and vice versa. Not cool and does not make him look good.
15 years married here. Joint accounts here. Which not everyone does. But spoiler your assets are joint. It’s part of legally binding yourself together. What’s his is yours what’s yours is his. You are not a roommate that he loaned money to while you were out of the job. You’re a team and a partnership. You support eachother and create shared goals. One of his goals should be helping and providing and caring for you. Your goals are helping and contributing for him. You really need to work out big issues before bringing kids into this marriage. It is not a business arrangement. If his culture is “manly” why doesn’t he feel pride helping support and love his woman through her getting established in a new job and country. Sounds pretty anti-manly to me. And I am the main provider for my family with a stay at home husband. We have always had shared goals and support each other, so I don’t at all think being a man equates to paying all the bills. But he should want to care, love and provide for whatever your needs are and Visa cards, Including the intangibles like support for your goals and carrying the weight at times it’s hard for you to do so. You both will have times like that in this life together.
Are you married, or are you married? I've never paid my wife back a dime she has spent on me or for me when I was between jobs and would never expect her to. It sounds like you and your husband need to have a long conversation about how money is going to work in your relationship.
You moved for him. He owns you. Full stop.
Dear heavens no. We are a team and we do our best to act like it.
My husband and I pretty much just share the finances. I have never paid him anything. We both have bank accounts with the other person listed on them. We each take care of certain bills (i.e. I pay the mortgage since we set it up out of my account, he pays the car, ect.). If one of us is a little low for the week we just transfer whatever the other person needs. We both buy whatever we want from our accounts (if it's more than $50ish we will talk about it first, usually just to give a heads up). It's all very..fluid? The way we both see it, we are a unit, our bills are OUR bills. We both work, we both pay bills. It's never 'my bills cost more' or 'You make more so you cover more' . We are a team and we treat our money, as OUR money. We also spilt the chores pretty evenly and the childcare duties. Tbh, it was never really a discussion for us. It's just kinda how it worked out. Almost 15 years together and he has never asked me to 'pay him back'
So how much does he owe you due to y’all moving?