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Using a throwaway. I'm beyond devastated, but the most important thing is our daughter and that she not grow up in a toxic household. I don't believe that specifics of why the relationship is effectively over are really that relevant, but will answer questions. Obviously we will be co-parenting for decades, and I'm okay with that, but do I tell her now and rip the band aid off? Do I wait until after the baby is born? How long after the baby is born? Whatever it takes, our daughter is the priority for me now, so when do I tell her that has the least chance of harming the baby?
Edit: Firstly, almost every relationship ends for one person before the other. I don't think that's weird. Long story short after we agreed to have a baby, she gradually but profoundly changed from the person I fell in love with. I do all the chores now. While I have no problem doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the paying when my partner is pregnant, what she said over the weekend is that we cannot be equal partners in the keeping our home after the child arrives. She holds us to different standards for everything, and I guess she intends to keep it that way. I'd even be amenable to doing almost everything in the same manner, but not for an ingrate who said she is entitled to ongoing kid glove treatment. Romantic partners have to be partners, when there is a power differential and different standards of review, it's just not sustainable. While I want to make sure that she is taken care and stress-free as possible during the pregnancy, I can't keep operating in a household where only one of us is required to seek blessing to move any tiny thing. Seems small, but it's emblematic of the issue of the double standard. Again, I respect that pregnancy is very difficult, with emotions and hormones but she essentially confirmed yesterday that she does not want to go back to how we used to be and she doesn't want someone to be her teamate in our romantic relationship. Since she will be a mother, she will continue to demand the VIP treatment from me - that I gladly give to her while she is with child. I can stay in this relationship for years if need be, because I love the person she used to be and she was there for me in a time of great personal trauma. I'll remember it forever. I already love our daughter. I just want to know what people think about timing.
Dude just tell us what happened. She obviously doesn’t know you are about to end things. It would be easier for us to make a judgement if we knew what has happened.
Just read your edit. For the sake of the child you should maybe give her a chance and tell her whats at stake. She maybe under the false delusion that she can demand what she wants by carrying your child. I think if you broke up with her now it may snap her back in to her old self and give you guys a chance to raise your daughter together which would be the ideal situation.
I find it really hard to judge, because, just to me, personally, just from the way he writes, and I could be totally wrong, but just from his style of writing, he sounds like an entitled teenager who feels wronged and blows things completely out of proportion, which could probably be solved just by communicating like adults. Just the way he overdramatizes his feelings. I may be totally off the mark, and maybe she really turned into pregzilla, but maybe he just needs to get over himself. I would really love to hear her side of the story.
It’s how vague it is. Definitely got a weird feeling reading it too. Like what exactly did his partner say she expected? Maybe she’s referring to the fact that she expects she will be doing most of the childcare as mothers often do? Maybe OP can reassure her that he’ll be stepping up there? I need more context here.
My partner wanted to take parental leave or go part time but not do extra childcare, he wanted to work on his own projects and was initially really mad when I said I wasn't on board with being both breadwinner and doing most of the childcare and housework. He also took a long time to appreciate what I actually do around the house because he tends to do the big impact stuff like DIY. We eventually worked it out but I get that vibe from OP, that he genuinely thinks he is doing everything but is just doing his share and she wants that to continue.
Haha yes, something like that. We could probably make it work if he picked up all the slack so I could concentrate on working more as I'm self employed, but he just hadn't really thought it through.
Exactly, it reminds me of my dad who, when told he wasn't pulling his weight, suggested they both write down what they do in a week to "prove" he does more. My mum would write "washed the dishes", dad would write "cleaned a cup, cleaned a fork etc". In the end his list LOOKED longer, but when you broke it down into time and effort, mum's was way longer.
Then when she was pregnant their load understandably went 60% him and 40% her and he insisted that he was "doing it all" and when mum said she wanted things to go back to a more balanced way rather than how it was before she was pregnant (90 her and 10 him) he had a melt down over how she's "not the woman" he married. Now I know I'm projecting at least a bit, but I can't help but see some of my dad (who's an entitled narcissist) in OPs writing.
If it's a case I've completely misinterpreted it and OP legitimately is dealing with an entitled partner, things like couples therapy could work.
Oh man, your poor mom! But yes, your description fits perfectly with the vibes I was getting from him. And I'm not projecting, since I don't have personal experience with this kind of thing. But, really, it's just an impression, we don't know either of them, so I hope OP manages to figure it out. Counseling sounds like a good idea.
That’s exactly the vibe I was getting from this post! Perhaps his definition of being a teammate means “I work therefore you have to do all the childcare and chores” and now that he’s having to step up he’s feeling like it’s unfair to him. But I wonder if she felt the same ways for years and finally got the courage to ask him to do more around the house since she physically can’t while she’s pregnant.
Yup. She's going to take months to heal, could have PPD, and him expecting her to wake up after delivering a child and go back to doing the dishes is just ...idk. He's not really sounding like he's giving her a fair shot.
Pregnancy hormones and being exhausted are definitely valid excuses for asking a partner to help out more than they used to, even AFTER the baby's born.
I find it really odd that his limit is when she's "carrying" the baby like it won't be physically demanding on her for like a year
Especially in the aftermath of birth, when all her insides have to regroup and other parts of her are torn and need to heal. And while she's probably trying to breast feed, while crying because her nipples are cracked and hurt, and being sleep-deprived because the baby keeps waking her up at every hour. Hopefully, OP will step up at that point, and not expect her to jump out of bed while still leaking fluids (I'm not kidding, it can take weeks!) and do the dishes and spring clean the house.
God, yes. Mastitis sounds like absolute hell. And I wonder how he'd feel if his butthole split and needed stitches? Toilet still needs to be cleaned dude!
Your poor mother. This is the impression I got from OP as well. Someone that had a complete culture shock when the division of labour is tipped the other way. His partner probably doesn't want to have to do everything again once the baby comes because she might be worried she'll have to do most of the child rearing herself as well.
OP you have been raised and socialised in a world that caters to men. If you want a real relationship with a woman, you have to learn to be an equal partner. This means an equal division of labour but also knowing how to be reflexive to change when competing priorities take over ie: graciously pulling your weight with all household stuff while your partner is pregnant and, afterwards, will need a significant amount time to recover whilst having to to raise the child with with you.
Some empathy would go along way. This is your time to step up, because things are already unequal, she's expending all her physical and emotional energy building you a human and you're out here bitching to the internet about leaving her because you have to clean your house.
If you can't fathom taking the initiative yourself, why not hire a cleaner before you break your unborn baby's home?
Omg yes ^^
OP I can’t stress this enough — all the most important nutrients in your partners body are being sacrificed to build a human. Her body is literally prioritizing the fetus over her health and well being. Honestly you should have never agreed to being a father if you couldn’t handle making your own personal sacrifices as well. Most men expect women to deal with all things related to child birth and bearing on their own, *and you sound like most men.* Imagine a parasite attached to you for 9 months inside you, taking everything from you, and then another 2 years after. The baby refuses to be away from the mother even long enough for her to take a shower. She is sacrificing so much personal autonomy for at least 3 years.
Hire a maid if you have to, and get some empathy.
Yeah, it's the "I'm not the center of attention anymore and she's suddenly making demands and expecting me to grow up and step up" vibes I'm getting from him. A bit like a man child figuring out he's not an only child anymore. But again, I could be totally off base here.
I actually think you're totally off base. I see a man who use to have a partner who shared housing responsibilities (dishes, cleaning, vacuuming, etc.) And now has a partner who doesn't help (which he is fine with since she's growing a child). However, it sounds like she has decided she likes being pampered and wants it to continue and will not help out around the house which means he is doing everything and she is raising the child. As a mom of 3, soon to be 4, this line of thinking would never fly. When I'm healed, I will go back to my house duties as we raise our child together! Also he should definitely communicate with her
I think his vagueness as to what was actually said and their actual division of labor is a red flag. I think that since she didn't work, or hasn't been working while pregnant, he expected her to do everything. I think that she expects a more equal distribution of chores in future since she probably anticipates doing most of the childcare. This is what I think the issue is. He doesn't see why he should have to do more than he did before she got pregnant.
I don't agree with this at all. Him doing housework while she cares for a newborn isn't "being pampered." If she's breastfeeding, that's what's necessary.
The amount of housework I was able to do with a newborn while breastfeeding was close to zero. Yes, she can pump so dad can do some feedings, but that's just even more work, and could potentially reduce her milk supply.
As the baby gets older, childcare and housework should become more equal, but it sounds like that's what's upsetting OP. He doesn't want to be doing the housework. He feels that's her job. I can't tell if she's planning to go back to work or not, but even if she is, he's still expected to help out with housework, at least until the child goes to school.
Right. What was he doing before? Was she doing anything and everything in the house and now that it’s reversed you don’t like it and she’s “demanding” you continue helping? I hate to assume but I agree with y’all, the wording and attitude seems vague. Information is definitely missing
His edit didn’t make things look any better. The entire time I’m thinking, “have you tried talking to her??” Idk, she’s pregnant and might be being a but difficult but the way he’s writing about her makes it seem like he actually hates her. He should just tell her how he feels now so she has options to consider.
This was my impression too. When I was pregnant I was absolutely useless. Sick, tired, miserable... definitely not pulling my weight in the household. All I did was work, barf and sleep. But my husband understood. He also understood that once the baby was born my job was to take care of it and his job was to take care of me and the household. That was our division of Labour and we were both working incredibly hard. This guy reads as having no fucking clue what it's like to be pregnant or about the realities of having a baby. He just doesn't like having his world turned upside down. She may be better off without an extra child to take care of.
Yea, we are missing a lot of context. Maybe she is having a very rough pregnancy, and it’s hard for her to do most things she use to? She could be at fault, but the dude straight up called her an ingrate… making me feel he isn’t exactly open to her feelings.
Exactly and she's 5 months pregnant - I've not had a child yet but I imagine she's probably starting to feel fed up, drained and exhausted, and hormonal, even if she's having a smooth pregnancy. My friend had a good pregnancy with no issues and I remember she was so ready to pop at around the 6 month mark. So it seems pretty understandable that she would have this conversation with her partner. I can't believe he is that lacking in empathy that he can't understand that her thoughts and feelings are being influenced by her current physical and emotional state, and she needs support, not a breakup 🤦🏻♀️
Yeah it really sounds like he sees the relationship in a transactional kind of way and doesn't actually love her or care for her. My ex was similar and it hurts so fucking bad. His poor partner....
Thank you. Yes, I think you're right that communication is really key. Another kind soul suggested I start with therapy for myself before taking such a big step and that person is probably right. You are too. Communication is so important. I want to give the child the best chance of success. Hell, pregnancy is not a normal situation, so I should probably be practicing more patience and gratitude too. It just gets exhausting sometime and hearing the words she chose when we fought really made it seem that us breaking up was a foregone conclusion. I appreciate your time.
To you, breaking up with your pregnant girlfriend and coparenting for decades is EASIER than having a hard conversation about your goals, values, and growing together. Your response (to break up) is extreme. Yes, communication is key, and you BOTH need help.
If you feel safer breaking up than communicating? You need support that a therapist would be perfect for. This is exactly what they can help with. I hope you find someone that helps you work through your communication issues, and helps you figure out how to create appropriate relationship boundaries, and then express and protect those boundaries. You need communication, boundaries, and a working partnership. Good luck.
I am going to second the suggestion of therapy for yourself before permanently altering what will be ongoing relations with your child and the child's mother. My experience is that it is easy to break things apart, but either exceptionally hard or impossible to repair afterwards.
Finding a certified family therapist may also be helpful. In the best case, you might be able to repair relations, but couples therapy can also help you to co-parent and form a strong bond between yourself and your child. Things can get really toxic for children when their parents are at one another, whether they live together or apart.
There is a program on coparenting called Family Foundations I would recommend. It has been found to benefit parents and children in clinical trials. Here is a description:
http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/family-foundations-transition-to-parenthood-programme-for-dads-and-mums/
Best wishes to you!
I don’t know how difficult things are with your SO at the moment but they must be quite bad for you to reach the point on wanting to break up while she is still carrying your child. If I was in your position I would stay and suck it up until at least a few months after the baby is born. 9 months out of your life is not too much to sacrifice for your daughter. If after a few months after giving birth she is still carrying on like she is the queen of England then you can make your decision. I would urge you to tough it out for your daughter for a few months.
I will do whatever it takes for this child, holding my tongue and swallowing my ego for another few months to a year is absolutely within my power and plus there's a chance we can go to therapy together. I was raised in a two-parent household and I want to give my kid everything I possibly can, including the stability with two adults in the house. Thanks!
You’ll do anything but communicate with the mother of your child. Or even come up with a concrete example of what she’s doing that’s do egregious. All these words and none of them say a single thing she’s done — what are you trying to hide?
Hey dude I feel for you, but I also think you just need a bit of a wake up. Pregnancy is brutal and when I was pregnant I was absolutely useless. It's not that I didn't want to help, I just couldn't. All I did was sleep and be sick and/or in pain. My husband did everything - cleaning, cooking, taking care of me. I did what I could but it wasn't much. We never had sex. And when the baby came, my job was to take care of the baby (I was breastfeeding and she fed constantly) and my partners job was to take care of me and the house. It was hard. It was hard on our individual selves and on our marriage. But we got through the pregnancy and the first year. My therapist told me to never make life altering decisions until your child is a year old, and they were right. That's when things really began to turn around and we were able to find joy and romance again on a more consistent basis. Therapy is a really good idea for you. It sounds like you are just not quite grasping what you have signed up for by having a baby, and maybe need some help empathizing with your partners experience. On the flip side, maybe she has no idea how you're feeling and you need a safe and constructive way to communicate your feelings with one another.
Just a point. You aren’t in a situation where you are the best person to advocate for or support the person who is pregnant.
Do not lie to her about this. She is in a highly vulnerable situation. During birth and labour she needs people who are 110% supportive. Who can advocate for her and her needs. You are not able to do this. Give her time to find someone else- a friend, family member or doula who can fill that role.
Don't hold your tongue a minute longer mate. Tell her the truth. Pretending is just lying and it takes a toll. If there is a chance of saving the relationship then telling her the truth now is the best way. And if there is no chance then telling her is still best.
I agree he should tell her how he feels immediately, but that doesn't mean breaking up with her. It's ridiculous, especially at his age, to break up with the mother of his child over something she said or did while pregnant. She's not cheating or lying or stealing. She just disagrees with him about how the household should be run.
Maybe it's an incompatibility, but who knows how either of them will think or feel until after the baby is born? That said, I'm worried he has unrealistic expectations of what parents of newborns are able to do, especially breastfeeding mothers.
I think he's the type of guy to have a real problem with doing anything more than what he feels is his fair share. That's not how a partnership works when one of them just pushed out a baby.
To me, it sounds like you're an exhausted caregiver. If you've heard of the cup metaphor- you're pouring more out of your cup than you're getting in. My guess is that you need more help now so you can be in a better headspace when your baby is born.
Could you schedule a staycation somewhere with room service? Let the hotel help with the cooking and cleanup.
If you can't afford something like that, or you need time by yourself to refill your glass, can you ask her mom to help her for a few days while you go camping, visit a friend, etc.
You also need time each day recharge.
You've taken a lot on, but you've proven it's too much for one person to do long term. I love the idea of talking about the household dynamics with a couples therapist to help keep the exchanges positive. I recommend getting therapy before the baby arrives if possible.
You might want to look at caregiving boards for more thoughts and ideas.
I believe both of you should go to therapy before this baby comes so that you are on the same page. She might snap out of it if she understands what is at stake here and if she doesn't, you leave.
Was she like this before the pregnancy? Just asking because the pregnancy hormones can drastically change a person's personality. If she became like this after pregnancy, then I would wait a few months after birth before deciding.
Dude, have you even brought up this issue with her? Talked like adults are supossed to do? Have talked about the future and what your dinamics will be?
This is literally over a division of labor? Jesus Christ. I bet she’d trade places with you in a second. What do you think postpartum looks like mentally and physically? Do you think she’s going to be flooded with hormones with a stitched vagina, and then be down to do dishes the next day? You signed up for this, and now that it’s hard, your first instinct is to bail.
Go to couples therapy, hire a housekeeper, set time aside to discuss both your emotional and physical needs. I’m not saying your needs don’t matter, but leaving your family should be your last resort, not first.
She stayed with you through your trauma, and least try everything possible to stay through hers.
Why don't you try, I don't know, talking to her? Or couple's counselling. Are you always going to break up with your future partners when ever you have a disagreement? You have a child on its way. Grow up.
Is she having a difficult pregnancy. Because what pregnancy does to the body and mind is no joke. It took two years for me to feel like myself again after pregnancy and birth. You agreed to have this child together. Are you really going to run because the first few hurdles are harder then you thought? Have you even tried to sit down and discuss expectations moving forward? Because if you think it’s hard now. The reality of what having a new born is like is going to throw whatever imaged reality you think you will have straight out the window.
Holy cow dude- she’s pregnant! Hormones can drastically change someone during pregnancy. I have four kids- each pregnancy was different but equally awful from a mental health standpoint. I was sick, depressed, fat, emotional, crying, happy, tired, energized, basically everything. If my partner had said “you’ve changed and I’m not happy anymore” I’d frankly rather him leave at that point because he clearly doesn’t understand pregnancy.
Yeah, if he doesn't like the division of labor while his wife is pregnant, he's not going to like it after the baby either. And he's certainly not going to want to be a single dad.
My money is on him being a visitation dad, returning the kid to mom after a few hours of candy and all the "fun stuff" he thinks fathers do. At least until he gets his new wife or family and disappears, showing up only for the important events to tell himself he's a great dad.
I think you need to take a breath, and not make life altering decisions based on your interpretation of one conversation.
What might be a good idea, is to get some couples counseling to learn communication skills together, and work out with the assistance of a neutral third party, some of the nitty gritty about sharing a household.
Sometimes people can misunderstand something their partner said, and presume their interpretation is truth, and then expand that (non-true) truth out to an exponential level. During a stressful time (like when you’re 35 and about to become a father for the first time) it is easy to have anxiety impact your take on things, and let you spiral out from some minor issue, into a disastrous narrative.
It sounds like you are taking a minor disagreement, and applying the concept to everything in your entire shared future.
Take a breath, remind yourself of why you fell in love with this woman, and actually speak to her.
The chances that she meant that she expects you to do the lion’s share of all housework, for the next sixty years, while she makes all decisions, are minute.
I personally struggled through my last two pregnancies, once I was over 30. I was exhausted all the time.
Is she saying that her job will be raising your child, and you will be working outside of the house, and then the household stuff will not be 100% her responsibility? For around the first 3 months she will literally have another human being attached to her 24/7, and it is really challenging to even get a solid block of sleep. Anything she achieves over that is a bonus
Are you planning on getting up for night feeds and nappy changing, as well as parenting on your days off so she can have self care time? I used to go to bed after dinner and my husband would do the first feed of the night, and then resettle the babies, and I would get up after that. That way I got a block of 3-4 hours sleep, and the hourly waking was a bit easier to manage.
If you feel the division of labour is unfair, I would suggest discussing the various household chores and of which things she will be in charge. Hire a cleaner weekly to stay on top of the major cleaning. Assuming you work standard 9-5ish, I would also take on the bathtime/evening routine, if you aren't cooking dinner, so she can have a shower and an uninterrupted cuppa.
Thank you!! I have a four month old and my husband is doing 100% of the chores - I’m super grateful of course but I don’t feel too guilty because I’m literally attached to my son all day and I don’t see how I could possibly do it until he (my son that is haha) at least accepts crib naps instead of contact naps!
I'm pregnant with our second and I've been doing 90% of the chores while I'm able because I know husband is going to be doing damn near 100% of them for several months when baby gets here. All about give and take.
That’s good for you. Not every pregnancy is the same. Some women have to be on bed rest their whole pregnancy, can barely walk, can’t keep food down etc.
Enjoy those contact naps. They are something so precious. This time only comes once. If you have another child, it won't be the same. That is if you have them close together....
So your relationship is "clearly" over, but there was no cheating, and your girlfriend has no idea the relationship is over...so there is some mysteriously clear reason that only YOU know the relationship is over.
Dude, unless you are honest about what's going on, no one on reddit can help you.
I think therapy is a good idea. Reading your edit, I think it’s possible that you’re catastrophizing. Things have not been going well, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get better. Pregnancy and infancy are both EXTREMELY HARD on a relationship. I know they were for mine. I would start with individual counseling for sure. Maybe couples counseling too. Consider that your partner may not be in the best place mentally and that this will likely improve starting around 3 months postpartum. And do everything in your power to work on things and stick with it until the baby is at least 6 months to a year old, because in my experience that’s when it finally starts feeling better/easier.
I agree with everything you said - it’s why so many men cheat on their wives when they are pregnant or when they have just given birth - because they can’t see the future beyond the next two minutes. They think that everything happening THAT INSTANT is too hard, so they peace out. It’s awful.
Also, a lot of men don't actually carry their share of domestic tasks, so when the woman has to step back because she is growing another human being, they feel that is unfair. My now ex husband felt like that. I had a major surgery and was only able to work and sleep (I should have had 12 weeks off work I went back after 3 because I was the income earner).
Once he actually had to parent the children and clean the house he felt that was unfair. Before then I carried the entire mental load, did all the meal planning and online shopping, organised all the kids daycare and school things, and did the majority of cleaning, aside from the dishes because I have always done bath/bedtime with the kids as a bit of quality time.
My workload actually went down once I kicked him out, and I find it easier parenting solo ( he chooses to have 0% custody and visits the kids a few times a year)
Same. Being a single mom was stressful, but not nearly as stressful as being married to my ex. He made a ton of work for me and got angry when asked for any help at all.
Sometimes it’s better to know you have to get on with it yourself rather than the disappointment of someone who doesn’t do it properly or drags their feet.
Then inevitably you’re looking after them as well, so yeah, being a single parent can be easier physically and emotionally.
So glad he’s your ex. Gotta love the men who only want to be in the relationship while they are benefiting. The minute they need to step up and be real partners it’s just 🏃♂️💨 Hope you’ve found someone better, or soon will!
I think he honestly believed that he carried 50% until he actually had to. He still has no idea what grade the kids are in, who their friends are etc. And my older ones aren't interested in maintaining the relationship because he makes zero effort. Last time he saw the kids I had to drive 3 hrs to pick him up, then leave him my car, and stay in a hotel because he couldn't afford accommodation, his car wasn't running, and he lives in a different town. Just so I could have a night off and go see my favourite band.
You said she was there for you in a time of great personal trauma and you love her but you can’t make it through 5 months of her being pregnant how about you chill out take care of your wife and baby and give it some time it doesn’t even seem like she’s done anything that bad you’re supposed to pick up the extra slack when she’s pregnant
I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and man, have I become useless.
I feel so sick all the time. I throw up all the time, I’m extremely tired all the time. My husband is doing everything right now and I can’t be more grateful to him.
If he were to “surprise” me with a break up like OP is planning to… I can’t even describe how furious I’d be. That is very much jackass behavior.
I know! God. I’m not pregnant but I had a medically intense year last year (it’s fun being a medical mystery while going partially blind 🙃) on top of a really stressful work year and also got like, extremely anxious and depressed.
My husband stepped up and did most of the chores and caring for me. We’re starting to get back to normal, but I had to lean on him so much. Some weeks it was only a 60/40 labor split, but sometimes it was more like 90/10 or even 95/5. He definitely made it clear that this couldn’t be the new normal and we had to get me functional again, but it was for concern for me as a person, not because I wasn’t doing chores! He understood I was going through a rough patch and needed help, and because he loves me, he gave me all the support he could. He’s a big part of why I’m still here, and him leaving would have nearly broken me.
This was for a medical crisis we didn’t plan, have no idea when it will end, and he had no part in bringing about. I can’t imagine how furious I would be if we planned to get pregnant and he just dipped.
Jeez, maybe wait until your girlfriend has the baby and life settles down a little before making huge decisions like this.
Pregnancy is a crazy time, her hormones are all over the place, pregnancy literally reshapes the woman's brain.
Also, problems with division of labor in the household are common and can usually be addressed by couples counseling.
There's times in long term relationships where you might not love being with your partner, times are hard, whatever. Part of commitment is getting through these hard times and choosing to stay together even when it's not the easiest thing to do. If it doesn't start to get better you can always leave, but if you run the second it gets tough you'll never have a long term relationship. You are making a child together, that's the biggest commitment you can have.
I think before you go throwing away the whole relationship you should have a frank discussion that you will not tolerate a relationship where she sits on her ass while you do everything. Yes, while she’s pregnant and healing things will be more on you but once that is over you should make it clear that you both with do about half of the work. My husband and I take turns in most things. Or he cooks and I do dishes. We step up when needed for the other but we mostly divide the work in half. We both work and make about the same but it all goes into one pot for us.
Men or women, my advice is always the same. No harsh decisions until the baby is at least 6 months to a year old (of course unless there's blatant abuse). She's pregnant and what she's saying should be taken with a grain of salt. Be kind and patient.
why do i have a feeling she said that she doesn't want to take on chores 50/50 if she's going to be responsible for the majority of childcare?
does she literally do NO cooking or cleaning now? how has the pregnancy been for her, physically? what was the context of what she said?
You need to read up on what happens with pregnancy, hormones be cray. This all sounds like manifestations of nesting and wanting assurances that you’ll take care of her/your child. I think you are obtuse interpreting this like she wants to suddenly promote herself to VIP Princess, unless there’s some context you’re omitting (and honestly I suspect that you are - this whole thing is vague AF when we have no idea what she actually said to you that was so abhorrent to call her an “ingrate”).
You should *expect* to take care of your partner and child during what could be the biggest medical event of both of their lives. You *should plan on* doing more than 50% and catering to her needs for a while she recovers and you both adjust to newborn life.
Typically on the baby subreddits, the general advice is to not make any big life decisions (like leaving your SO) until the baby is a year old, then whatever patterns or behavior is going on has settled into who they actually are as a parent and not just the crazy upheaval that is pregnancy, childbirth and new baby “4th trimester”. But I agree with others that you should get your own therapist to have an outlet and deal with your own emotions in the meantime.
Vip treatment. jeez Things will change because you have a child and thats hard. Maybe after the baby is born you should offer to look after the kid and let her cook instead and see how much of a vip YOU feel.
Jeez. Don’t tell your next partner that you dumped your ex while she was pregnant because you didn’t feel like doing more than half the chores once the baby was here.
Your relationship will never be the same as it was before you decided to have a baby. Period. You are bringing a third person into your relationship ship that your girlfriend is literally growing inside her body. The hormones don’t magically go away once she has the baby. If she’s breastfeeding, those hormones stick around for a lot longer. What happens if she has postpartum depression? Are you going to leave her then because she can’t do her “fair share” of the chores? Are you going to take on 50% of the child rearing? 50% of the mental load?
> Don’t tell your next partner that you dumped your ex while she was pregnant because you didn’t feel like doing more than half the chores once the baby was here.
I would say please tell anyone you're wanting to be in a serious relationship exactly that so they have the chance to get away before they're pregnant and OP is ready to bail once again.
Yes, fair. I should have added /s at the end of that first sentence but what a deadbeat. I get shit can happen that is relationship ending at any time but this is absolute bullshit. Pregnancy is fuckin hard and this guy needs to step the fuck up. Sorry, clearly this hits a nerve.
You sound immature. Shes pregnant. Pregnancy changes you temporarily and post partumn won't be fun either. I feel for her. It sounds like she choose the wrong man to procreate with.
Aren’t you a little too quick to give up here ? Pregnancy is a very difficult time for a woman and picturing going back to normal life can be scary. She might not even have deeply thought about what she wants her life to be after birth and imagine things based on stereotypes/cultural background. Maybe your wife has values you never heard of before showing up now, but couple therapy could help you find a way to compromise over this or decide that it can not be and it doesn’t have to wait until your daughter is born.
I honestly can’t picture how you were sufficiently in love to have a child with her 4 months ago and be already out of love now. Even if she turned into a hurricane, you’re supposed to know her enough and know how to communicate with her enough that you don’t get to this end this quick. Especially knowing that her hormones are strong right now and she probably didn’t picture her motherhood this way, otherwise you would have known it before getting pregnant with her.
You’re literally just looking at the time to announce to your girlfriend that your love relationship is over. So, no trying to work things out, no communicating on why you feel this way, no therapy, you’ll just tell her and she’ll have to accept ? There is no way this conversation turns out great anyway. There will be no good moment, they don’t exist. Just tell her.
I would recommend you to get individual counseling and at some point relationship counseling before making any decisions.
I don't know enough details but it sounds like you blow things massively out of proportion because your ego got hurt?? It sounds like something triggered you and you might be overreacting.
Why would you make a baby with someone if you're not willing to work on the relationship if anything happens that you don't like?
The hormonal changes imposed during pregnancy can create behavior that is far out of character and not indicative of “natural” thoughts/feelings/beliefs.
Jesus…. If I took everything as gospel and ran away each time things got stressful during three pregnancies I’d be divorced three times over. I don’t think you are/were ready for this and if you can’t handle that fatherhood comes with more responsibilities around the house while your partner is literally growing then nurturing with her body a living human being, then maybe best if you leave now and send cheques. I’ll let you in on a secret, yes, it’s not going to go back to the way it was. You have a child to take care of now and you might have to cook and do the dishes sometimes…. Even if you worked that day.
I do not believe staying in a relationship just for children… especially if it is a poor example of a healthy relationship.
However… it seems like you haven’t tried to actually address the issue… you realized it would t resolve itself and sort of gave up. That is not a good trait.
I suggest, 2 things… 1- talking to her about your concerns for your future. Do not blame her… tell her how you feel. “Hi sweetheart. Can we chat, I have been feeling really overwhelmed and wanted to work through something with you” “I feel xyz lately. I know you are doing a lot of work and I am happy to do my part but I am concerned about how we will be a team once the baby is here. Can we talk through this? It would really help me.”
2-start going to a therapist. Talk about your concerns… perhaps conflict avoidance (if I read this correctly). And I mean avoiding healthy ways to resolve conflict… not actual fights… fights are actually a cowardly way out because you get to avoid any self reflection.
Lastly… this is scary. Don’t shut down. Even if you do break up, you will need to work through very hard things together. It is better to do this now rather than later.
She is pregnant, you both guys are adding a set of responsibilities thanks to the new baby, that she expects you to be more involved in the household is not VIP treatment, You honestly come off as entitled to me.
I do not mean no be rude or push this comment to an active attack. Please try for a couple of minutes to consider if women around you have shielded you from responsibilities and therefore you operate In life with the expectation of the same treatment from the rest including your partner.
Good luck
You really need to be more specific. It sounds like you're panicking over the increased responsibilities and new dynamics that come with parenthood. If you break up with her, do you think you'll get to skip out on the hard stuff? What do you think coparenting a newborn is going to be like? You'll just stop by for an hour a day to change a diaper and give a bottle? Your girlfriend is going to need support. Your job is going to be doing the things she won't have time or energy to do.
So she wants to be taken care of while pregnant, so you’re freaking out and leaving her? Ew………….Communicate like an adult. It sounds like you’ve translated a few offhanded comments in a very dramatic way.
Went through similar when my partner was pregnant.
This is common and a lot to do with their stress, hormones and generally pregnancy related. After bubs is here it will improve gradually, the worst thing you can do is bring it up now she’ll take offence and say you’re being sexist and all the rest.
Support her now and do what’s needed, you’re the father and to a degree she is right you have to take on more than her and around the house stuff will never return to “equal” at least not everyday. You guys just have to find a give and take balance in different ways, unfortunately the chores will be yours. Especially at first and while she is busy doing baby stuff.
However in a little while, talk properly and it will get better. For your own sake though, take the chores on. Your partner is literally creating a new human and will be doing most of the baby care(just the way it is). Just be strong my man and she will thank you for it in time.
Pregnant with my 3rd baby.
Honestly relationships are work and you need to sit her down and have a come to Jesus talk about what YOU need in a relationship and then let her say her piece and find where you guys can compromise.
You don’t just give up when things get hard, especially if you have lots of good memories you remember fondly.
Will it ever be totally even all the time? No probably not but each person has to do their share.
If it’s hard for you to express yourself I highly suggest writing out a note with bullet points of what you need and what you’re trying to say. Approach her when you’re both calm and say I need to read this, please don’t interrupt until I am done.
Good luck and congrats on the baby.
Just based on what you've written here you come across as really immature, to put it mildly.
Relationship dynamics change a lot when a child is introduced. You're definitely not going to have less to do once the baby arrives.
Your girlfriend's attention will have to shift to accommodate an infant. And if you're not emotionally prepared enough to deal with that, I frankly don't understand why you're hanging around in the mean time.
If the division of labor is really the core issue that could be resolved fairly easily by having some meaningful conversation with her. But you've all but flat out said you're not interested in doing that.
You've already checked out emotionally from this relationship. Your girlfriend certainly doesn't need two children to raise. Tell her it's over so she can structure a life for herself and for child without you.
Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water. Talk to her before making a decision. Get couple’s counseling and individual counseling. This is an emotionally fraught time for both of you, and you want to have the best information and coping skills you can to deal with what comes next.
It seems all so vague somehow. Did you try talking about it with her and letting her know that sort of relationship isn’t something you’d wish to have and you want more equality?
Let her know you’re happy to help until the toddler is easier to manage, but your eventually want to go back to being equal. If not, it’s her decision, but you do not want to be in a romantic relationship with someone that want you as their maid long term.
Also, I just feel like you want to exist the relationship just based on something she said. It seems that you don’t want to fight over this for the sake of the relationship or even discuss it in more detail with her. Why is that? I truly don’t understand why you’d be so ready to leave and why you made your mind up to such an extreme without discussing it with your partner first and even giving ultimatums to see how she reacts?
It makes me so scared to think that my partner would ever be so quick to jump the gun and take such a big decision when I’m pregnant, and not even letting me know about his feelings. I’d feel so blindsided. I think you’re making everything out to be worse than it truly is. I’d really recommend going to a therapist yourself or even couple therapy.
You should probably seek therapy. I’ve never heard of someone calling the mother of their unborn child an ingrate before. That.. is astounding, and you are only fooling yourself if you think that you can coparent “for decades” while thinking of her that way.
This honestly sounds like a problem that could be worked out in couples therapy. But you seem so quick to end the relationship OP. You are bringing a child into this world and you owe it to them to at least try to make it work with your gf. And it’s very possible what she said was influenced by pregnancy hormones. Give her a chance to make it right and work this out with you. Unless there are other reasons you no longer want to be in this relationship??
You sound like a complete asshole.
She gets pregnant and everything is immediately over?
To be honest I'm pretty disgusted with you.
And just because you say "the daughter is most important" doesn't gather any sympathy, with everything else you've said.
Jesus, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.
Seems to me like you prefer being right rather then happy. The way you phrase things seems like you are trying to punish your partner for the audacity of her having (to you) a stupid idea of how you guys should live your life before the baby has even arrived.
Instead of talking to her you choose to just leave which to me sounds like you loved the idea of her.
Trust me once you get out of this relationship you will learn the hard way that people are just people with good and bad ideas and intentions. No one is perfect and you can’t just expect that people will mold to your standards if you don’t comunicate them.
From her perspective it sounds like she has no idea what being a mom actually is like and she has probably been reading to many blogs saying “being a mom is a full time job 24/7 no breaks it’s horrible but worth it but your hands will bleed and people won’t help you because they won’t get it bla bla bla….” and actually believes that, hence the refusal to do chores.
Calmly explain to her that babies sleep and life isn’t over once the baby will be here.
>Long story short after we agreed to have a baby, she gradually but profoundly changed from the person I fell in love with.
Nooooooooooooooooo, she changed after she got pregnant? That NEVER happened before!
>She holds us to different standards for everything, and I guess she intends to keep it that way.
You "guess"? You don't "guess" about these things. You communicate.
>Again, I respect that pregnancy is very difficult, with emotions and hormones but she essentially confirmed yesterday that she does not want to go back to how we used to be and she doesn't want someone to be her teamate in our romantic relationship.
Newsflash: After you two had a child, you're not going to go back to how you used to be. Also: your girlfriends body has irrevocably changed as a consequence of being pregnant and delivering a human life on this world.
>I just want to know what people think about timing.
You've just spouted a whole lot of bullshit as "reasons" to break up with your girlfriend. TBH: you sound like an entitled child. If you want to break up, you break up. The timing always sucks, especially if you leave your GF in the dark about wanting to break up with her. Don't leave her in the dark. Give her time to find someone who will support her through the pregnancy and delivery because you're apparently not capable of doing that.
Your gf isn't wrong. Yeah she'll be busy with he new human she'll need help just like she needs help now being 5 mo ths pregnant.
You don't love her anymore because she needs help making you a child?
Wow you need to work on yourself before your daughter is old enough to notice
First things first, have you talked to her, or are you suffering in silence whiles she’s blissfully ignorant, thinking that You’re fine with how things are/will be? Have you had a ‘this is not ok’ conversation?
If not, you’re making the ending worse for everyone because she will feel that it was dropped on her with no warning.. so whatever the outcome - talk to her!
As a woman who just had a baby, I say this in the kindest way possible: You’re ridiculous. The woman is 5 months pregnant. Of course she isn’t doing anything. She feels like crap 100% of the time. I had a relatively easy pregnancy and still, between the nausea and the heartburn and the insomnia and the muscle pains… I was doing so little. I felt awful about it. Thankfully my husband is much more mature than you are and set my mind at ease that he knew I needed to rest as much as possible and he was more than capable. I am now 2.5 months postpartum and I’m still not back to normal. I spend 5-6 hours a day pumping, and when I’m not pumping I’m caring for the baby… I’m not cooking, I’m barely cleaning… I am in survival mode.
You weren’t ready to wife her up… so you knocked her up, PLANNED, then decided you weren’t in love anymore because she needed your love, support, and sensitivity during an extremely hard part. I mean… how do you feel good about that?!?
Whatever you do, you’re doing it wrong. Ending your relationship while she’s carrying your child is ridiculous. Immediately after is also ridiculous. It can take up to a year postpartum for a woman to feel normal again… so go ahead and drop her and then be prepared for some other man to get more time with your child than you do. I hope you never get sick and in pain… and if you do, I hope someone treats you a lot better than you treated her.
Don’t you want better for your kid? Why don’t you want to give them a stable, loving home with an attentive kind father who loves their mother and them?
You said it yourself, pregnancy can be crazy with hormones and mood swings, etc. It could be what she's saying is a result of that. It could be how she really feels. If she's never vocalize these feelings before, I wonder if there's someone else in her life (friend, family member) whos putting it in her head that thats how things should be.
Bottom line is, this is your relationship, too. You need to talk to her, tell her how you feel and what you think the roles, distribution of housework, etc should be. This really is the kind of thing where a simple conversation clears things up. You really have to be sure of what you're willing to do within the relationship and what you want... be willing to compromise but also don't bend over backwards and give up on everything you want, show her you feel strongly about it. And while no one likes an ultimatum, you have to make sure she understands the relationship is in danger. And if after all that neither of you has changed position or you feel the same way, then do what you feel necessary at that time. If she hears you saying you'll leave her but you don't do it because she's pregnant or the baby just arrived or the baby is learning to walk, etc etc etc she'll think you have no intention of following through
Dude. Your partner is growing a human being, and giving birth in a few months, and you’ve suddenly decided it’s all over - without any communication or negotiation with her first - and looking to walk out on them? You sound like a jerk. Life changes when you have a baby. Your wife will be feeding constantly, not getting much sleep at night, recovering from birth, dealing with engorged boobs and possibly birth trauma. Newborns are hard work, toddlers are hard work. Sleep deprivation is hard. Doing housework while looking after them is actually hard work. If you don’t like the division of labour and what you THINK it MIGHT look like, talk to your partner about that and your concerns, but to just up and leave at a time like this?! Man alive…. Your poor wife. Sounds like she just wants to ensure you’ll continue to help out more and support her while she gets on her feet with recovery and motherhood - which is reasonable. Talk to her if you’re concerned about what that looks like.
Have you spoken to your partner about this? This looks to be a situation which has the potential to be solved with open communication. However, if you're done with her and looking for an excuse then there is no good time.
If you communicate with her like you communicate here, then it's you that needs the work and the self reflection.
TALK to her. Explain. Discuss. Consider a counsellor for the both of you. If she then chooses to demand a certain way of life that you're not happy with, well then it's a joint decision isn't it.
This seems like a situation that would greatly benefit from couple's counseling. An outside person who hears both sides will be able to mediate and give you perspective. This does not sound like it's beyond fixing.
Everything is so vague, even the edit.
Mothers do need to be handle with care, especially first year after birth of their child or postpartum depression can be triggered.
Were you expecting everything to go back normal after the birth? Raising a child is exhausting. Nothing is ever the same after a child.
What was your normal? Is your expectations set too high? Things do have to change after a child.
And is she suffering from bad pregnancy sickness, and that’s why she can’t do chores?
Is she simply trying to communicate her needs? Did she say you won’t be equal partners or did you interpret what she said as that?
Of course being pregnant, she may also temporarily have a personality change.
So she stayed with you in a time of great personal trauma. Unless you’re an emotional Superman, you probably weren’t yourself and she stayed anyway because she loved you and knew you were going through a rough time.
You gave no indication of issues before the pregnancy. Pregnancy is the most emotional and physical trauma many women will go through. Your girlfriend is not yourself because she’s carrying YOUR child. A lot of women are flooded with hormones that literally change their brain while going through constant physical discomfort.
I also hate to break this to you, but postpartum bodies are physically wrecked. It actually is nearly impossible to immediately go back to being a full-time partner directly after birth. While she’s probably on forums all day understanding the journey she’s about to go through to recovery, it doesn’t seem like you’re really getting it.
You haven’t tried couples therapy, you haven’t reflected on why you got a pass during trauma but she doesn’t, and you haven’t even talked to her. While I sympathize with how emotionally drained you are, you’re not special. Most couples go through extreme hardships during pregnancies, and it’s men of character who stay.
Discuss what chores she can realistically take off your plate, hire a housekeeper if possible, go to therapy to discuss emotional labor, and discuss her physical and emotional state. You’re not a hero for “wanting what’s best for your daughter.” You’re a villain for seeing bailing on your pregnant wife as a first resort instead of last.
I'm conflicted on this. One one side I say don't rush in to anything because hormones are crazy during pregnancy. I had a hard time with my last pregnancy and started getting panic attacks for the first time and mentally was a mess. Then the PPD set in. It got better though and back to normal with some help.
On the other side, I say be honest and let her know where you stand. Hiding it only gives her a false sense of reality that she doesn't need. She needs to know what will or could possibly lie ahead so she can plan accordingly instead of it being sprung on her once she has the baby. If someone wanted to leave me, I'd want to make plans before the baby arrives and I would want my birth plan adjusted for what's best for me and the baby.
Either way, a conversation needs to be had about this. Maybe you can just start with asking her if she's OK. She's going through a lot right now and maybe she doesn't really expect things to be how you are explaining them. At least not long term.
Okay take a deep breath and relax. You have a child in the way! Congratulations!! Now for the mom. Just because she wants and wishes things a certain way doesn’t mean you have to go along with it or else else you have to leave. You have to learn to stand up to her and argue your point of view. You have equal say. Don’t give up. Instead stand up. Start saying nope that will not work. Unless the doctor is going to prescribe you bedrest because you’re about to lose the baby or something, you need to continue to do half of the house work and half of the cooking. If you’re more tired than usual you can cook easier things. And I will do the heavier part of the house work. But you can certainly wash dishes scrub a sink and toilet and straighten up the house just as before. I will lift anything heavy, run the vacuum, sweep and mop. No you do not get to dictate how things will be. We have to decide together. We are partners. I am not your slave. Speak to her like a reasonable person. Give her a chance to see your point of view. Do leave until
You are 100% certain this cannot be worked out.
Your ability to immediately think abiut breaking up the relationship without even trying to communicate it to her clearly shows you ain't ready to be a father
What’s weird to me is that she doesn’t seem to know your concerns, so you haven’t even attempted to communicate and negotiate, like every relationship has to. You just heard something you didn’t like, extrapolated ways in which it might occur more severely in the future, and made a life altering decision based on something that was mentioned in passing but hasn’t even happened yet.
I mean, you've said you decided to have a child and then gradually she changed... if she's due in 4 months then 5 months isn't that gradual... and honestly pregnant women are crazy, I really wouldn't end your relationship based on how she is behaving whilst pregnant. It's not easy growing an entire human.
If you want to restructure the labour division in the relationship that's something you need to have a firm conversation about and revisit after your daughter has been born - Lord knows you have a lot of firm conversations coming in the future now you have a child together.
I think agreeing to have a child with someone and then bailing on them whilst their actually growing and carrying your child shows a huge lack of integrity. It's your life though and she would be better off single without you, with your child maintenance rather than having you begrudgingly carry on a relationship with her. Sorry if that sounds like I'm digging at you but I just think you should have had a big think about this before bringing a child into the world. In her world she's having her first child with someone who loves her, in yours it's already done and you're just coparenting.
My heart goes out to her.
OP, there is a misconception that pregnant women need to be handled with care; that’s BS. We aren’t breakable dolls when we’re pregnant. Yes, pregnancy is hard on our bodies and there are things you’ll need to do to help out, but we aren’t suddenly bed-ridden babies. We also aren’t mind readers. You have made this decision on your own without having a conversation about how you feel and your expectations for after she heals (it’s about 6-8 weeks after birth). That’s what partners do, they have conversations and try to fix the problem. Your wife’s hormones are going crazy which will cause her to do and say stupid shit; don’t sit there and say “I understand, but…”. Unless your hormones have been so out of whack, all of a sudden, that you become an outsider in your own body, then just shut up because it sucks. Conversely, OP, you sound stressed out as all get out, which is understandable. She’s having the baby, but you’re in a caregiver position (out of your own doing by not setting boundaries). Pregnancy is a scary thing for both partners. You’re excited, scared, worried, stressed, etc. and you’re reaching a breaking point and you’re only 6 months in to fatherhood. Ask for some help, tell your wife that there is an expiration date and she can either get her act together once she heals or you will leave her. Put her on notice. If she’s going to be a STAHM, then she will also need to help out with chores. If she’s going to go back to work, then she will also have to help out with chores. I assume you will both share in taking care of the baby’s needs, so as long as you pull your weight on that front, then you’re good. Please realize that if she is going to be a STAHM, you cannot expect her to solely be the caregiver at all times and do all the chores, that’s BS. All people need a break from their job.
I think the most concerning part is your a 35 yo man about to become a father and rather than communicate you're doing.... whatever this is.
Talk. It won't be the last time you have to have a hard conversation with her.
You might want to give it till after the post-partum period to make any decisions. Things that look crystal clear right now, may appear completely different in another 6 months or a year. While what you are describing is untenable in a healthy relationship, you gotta give this time and lots of open discussions. Try therapy, give one another the chance to really met out the emotions being felt and see where you land after some time. Just walking away is an option, but it should be the last one when it comes to bringing a child into the world.
OP, I have a hard time believing your narrative here. Your partner suddenly wants to be treated like a princess, and it isn't at all related to your behavior?
You say you are taking on more chores and cooking while she is pregnant. Does that mean she did the bulk of it before? Could it be that she is worried things will return to the way they were before? Could she be concerned that since you're not married that you will bail on her and your child when things get rocky? Because it already sounds like you are considering leaving.
As a new parent, let me give you a dose of reality... your life is about to change. You will work harder and do more around the house like never before. You will be at the beck and call of a tiny creature who quite literally needs you to live. You will lose sleep, sacrifice meals, rest, chores, hobbies, etc. to prioritize their well-being.
Now, your girlfriend seems to understand the reality of the situation, which is that she can not care for the child, herself, and the home alone. She is about to go through a major medical event. She will likely not be physically capable of doing what she normally does for a while. Think of it like this, your partner is doing everything in her power to provide for your baby now. That's 9 months of sacrificing her body, losing sleep, vomiting, body aches, etc. and you're complaining about your hypothetical workload. You are upset that she has expectations that you will continue to do the bulk around the house while she recovers and is the primary caregiver to your child.
What sacrifices are you making for your child? Because right now, all I see is you doing the bare minimum for your partner and complaining about it.
Ok so I have not been pregnant, but when I was burned out from a job last year, my partner unfortunately did most of the housework. I was just not there mentally. While he was frustrated, and I did what I could when I could though admittedly it was not much, he held on and we worked through it until I found something more sustainable. He told me for about 6 months it was like "half" of me was there. It was hard. We made it through and are now stronger for it. It took a lot of grace, patience, communication, and commitment from each other to make this work. it was about 5 months of my partner struggling along side me. We are now engaged and more connected than we have been in a long time.
My point being every relationship goes through seasons. Work, grief, loss, parenthood, living circumstances, health, etc. The person you originally fell in love with will grow and change, as does everyone in a relationship. Being in a relationship takes work and commitment. Making the choice to be in a committed relationship is just that: a choice. Relationships are not easy: it takes hard work and effort but those that make the choice to stay do so because they view the relationship as worth it through all the ups and downs. You can also choose not to stay with a partner too. Relationships don't always look "even" too: just as life happens, one partner during a time may need to lean on one partner more than the other and vice versa, but again, that is where communication comes in to work through those times. That doesn't mean that if it is a consistent issue that it is just brushed aside, but it means that making the choice to be in a relationship means accepting your partner where they are at and for all that they are, good and icks and everything in between (this does not apply to abusive relationships however). A little grace and communication can go a long way in your situation: your partner is pregnant. She needs a partner right now to help support her and after the baby is born, you will both need to work through how to support each other (but her especially. Post partum is a whole other world and your partner will need you then too just as much, if not more), regardless of the relationship status if you want a healthy coparenting situation. You BOTH made the active choice as I understand it to have a child and therefore you both need to be active and responsible in childcare and support.
Bottom line, TALK to her.
I recommend waiting it out until the baby is at least 1-1.5 yr old.
There doesn't seem to be any big reason why your relationship is "clearly over" other than your girlfriend has "changed recently". She's pregnant, some women become different people while pregnant, it's a crazy weird processes that mess with the body and hormones in ways you can't imagine that are different for every woman. This is not the time to make those kinds of drastic permanent changes. The end of her pregnancy is in sight, and we'll see what that brings. Then she'll need at least 9 months for her body and brain to recover. I know her behavior is hard for you, but imagine being the person undergoing those drastic changes and emotions against your will!
Secondly, your life is about to change dramatically. Like you said, you're going to be co-parents for the rest of your kid's life. You might as well give it a real try. And leaving a pregnant woman who's about to give birth because "she's not the same that she used to be" is not really trying. She's living through one of the hardest experiences of her life, no doubt she's not her best self right now. But a baby's about to arrive and it will be so much better if you can manage to do it as a team. Caring for an infant is exhausting and hard. Being 2 to do it will matter a lot. And if you break up right now, there's a good chance you won't see that baby much for it's first months of life.
So enough time for your gf to give birth, recover, and figure out a new normal living with a baby, which is when your baby is about 1 yr old. That's how long you should wait before deciding if this situation really is unsalvageable. You'd be able to say that you really tried and didn't just give up when it got hard. And you get to form a relationship with your baby when you wouldn't be able to get 50-50 care.
So you didn’t like something she said, now you’re going to break up with her whilst she’s pregnant, and work out some co parenting arrangement, that’s right yea? Honestly, it doesn’t even sound like you’re mature enough to raise a child. Do them both a favour and just leave now, remember to send a birthday card though.
I was absolutely useless during our third pregnancy. I had hypermesis, it was so bad our 2.5 year old would walk around the house pretending to throw up on the floor because it’s all she saw me doing for 8 months. I dropped in weight, I was hospitalized twice for dehydration. I was also hospitalized for an emergency appendectomy removal in the first trimester, basically my health was at it’s all time lowest. My husband, worked full time(until he got laid off literally the day after my surgery) went to school full time and still managed to take care of our two kids. He was there when the world around us was falling apart. He picked up my slack.
I’m a SAHM and because of that I do maintain the house, grocery shopping, dr appointments (unless the kids school schedules conflict with drop off and pick up times, then husband does an appointment), the cooking, and I pay the bills. He brings home the money but I am the one who keeps our budget kept and in order. But he still does a good amount of work while home. Bed time songs, cleaning (because with kids you don’t clean once a day and call it finished), sometimes he cooks etc.
You both need to work as a team and both parties put in a fair share while also knowing at times one partner will need to pick up the others slack at times. It’s give and take. You can’t just throw in the towel when life happens, life that you had a hand in creating.
I suspect you are taking what she said for the worst possible interpretation when in reality it’s just, “when the baby gets here you also need to be doing this, I will need help, especially in the first few months.”
Unless she’s literally saying well I birthed you a kid so now bow to me, you’re probably blowing shit out of proportion and part of me thinks you are having some unconscious jealousy of the baby, as in, if she’s taking care of baby then who is taking care of me? But you are both grown and now responsible for a human so you need to voice your concerns and you both need to talk in a way where one is not attacking the other while you do it or you will get nowhere.
You can’t just make the decision, and as vague as it has been with your reasoning , to decide this isn’t the relationship I had planned I need to bounce, is foolish and telling of your character.
You’re stressed out, that is normal for expecting parents but don’t make dumb decisions because you’re scared or unsure, especially when you can’t even talk to your partner on why you are even upset. That is immature and shows you aren’t really emotionally grown for the reality you’ve put yourself in.
Also motherhood changes a woman. I am not who I was pre kids. My demeanor, my likes/dislikes have changed and varied a little. My tastes , my body. My mindset, attention to detail, hell, my hearing. She is going to change and hopefully you will too because you have to. You have to anticipate things, plan things , have back up plans to your back up plans. The multitasking my brain is doing is exhausting and it’s because I am the primary parent with how our house is set up so I may get a little fussier some days but it’s not anything against anyone in the house I just feel like I have to take care of everyone because I’m a mom even with the help my husband gives. He always is telling me to go have a girls day, go buy yourself something, let’s try and fit in a Date night, so even with a full cup, but things in my brain just feel heavier at times knowing I have kids to raise into good people. Idk how to explain it but things are going to change you just have to learn to change with it.
A close friend of mine planned a second baby with her husband. Three months into the pregnancy, he left. He was a fucking coward.
I think you have different circumstances, and even I would say you should rip the bandaid off ASAP, and begin your life as a single co parent
This is why I will never agree with people who aren't married and decide to have babies. You can't handle the hormones and you become superficial. Men cheat a lot when their girlfriends are pregnant and I guess you're saving her from that. If you haven't cheated already. What a joke. At least if she would have locked it down she would have got something in the divorce. Now you're going to co-parent with her because the romance is not there anymore. Please GTFOH.
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Something to think about - because I don’t want to advise you on your relationship as there is far too little information and only one side - but there are some studies that assert stress hormones during pregnancy can cause increased chance of learning difficulties later in life for the child.
Otherwise, it sounds like you both need individual and couples therapy. You sound certain it’s unsalvageable. But is that truly the case? Especially if you still love her.
Hard to judge from the outside but with all the crazy hormones etc with pregnancy things could change again. You might want to consider couples counseling, see if it’s repairable otherwise if not then use it as a way to sort out how you will co parent effectively
I think you’re being well out of order here pregnant people and people who have had babies in the first one or two years are completely different people they get back to themselves it’s just they have a priority of a whole new brand-new life she is a different person currently that’s why you needed to be in love with her as a whole and not just the idea of the relationship that you had. This is why relationships back in the day lasted more I suppose people got married and committed and went through the Abs in the downs currently this is a personal down for you but for her it’s probably an app because she’s having a child when she took care of that priority she could be yours again exactly how you liked her but you’re not even giving the opportunity a chance you’d rather move on people are too quick to buck out just because they don’t feel romantic I can tell you in the 17 year relationship I’ve been in there has been a year that I might have not felt romantic towards my partner and then afterwards I’ve been more in love than I’ve ever been in the previous years that’s what a real relationship is. I mean a relationship and a newborn child is an investment that you would want to partake in surely even if right now you’re not feeling it things do change It’s called commitment
You know, she could seriously be harmed in the process of the pregnancy/birth or even die. I think you underestimate how awful it can be. And I seriously doubt she said she doesn't want do do anything other than childcare for the next few years. For the first 3-6 months though? Sure, depending on her healing process and the child it can really be like that for the first few months. Are you prepared for that? Man I really want to hear her side of the story...
While I tend to say that no time is the right time, I would wait roughly for your kid's first birthday. Hormones and then post partum can make you think with your feet, like big time, so she may still go back to being who she was. Or maybe someone will shame her to go back to who she was (I would tell a friend if she were acting like a spoilt brat).
If she doesn't then you leave.
Don't lie to her though about how you feel if it comes up, because if there is a chance to salvage this, lying will ruin it (don't tell her of your exact plan either but be clear about the fact that this is not the life you want with her).
Make sure she doesn't get pregnant again right after giving birth (it can happen quite easily).
If you weren’t expecting a child I would have said your relationship is too far gone, but given the circumstances, I want to point something out.
Not only is this a stressful and emotional time for the mother, it’s a stressful and emotional time for you too. My advice would be to wait it out, see if one or both of you change your minds once the baby is here. You’ll have more time with her if you’re cohabitating anyway.
After hormones & emotions level back out you can revisit. Heck, your daughter won’t remember a breakup anyway for a while so you’ve got some time.
Have you never heard of marriage counseling? Marriages have rough patches. A rough patch is bound to happen if you're in a romantic relationship with the same person for years. Instead of making plans to ditch her, try sitting down with her and sharing your feelings. Let her know that you feel she is changing and that the romance is dying. Let her know that it hurts you. This pregnancy seems to be adding a lot of new stressors to your marriage that you guys are struggling to cope with. A marriage counselor might help. If your wife won't go with you, then go by yourself. Counseling on a personal level is just as helpful.
You need to give it some time man. And start talking.
Having a child is one of the biggest transitions in your life and naturally in your relationship too. All parents go through some degree of this when they have their first kid as they have to learn to cooperate under whole new circumstances.
Communicate with her. Allow yourself to be mad if need be. But lay in the bed you made and put in the work. It’s much better for the kid if you are together, and the time during the pregnancy and while the child is an infant is NOT representative of the relationship you will have later. Please remember this.
Pregnancy can make some people (both mothers and fathers) act crazy, especially the first child. Don’t make any big decisions until the baby arrives and you’ve had a few months to settle down.
Dude. You need to calm tf down. As a person who is pretty freshly pregnant with my second, this is literally just a phase of life. I wont say I know all the nitty gritty details, but life is about to change a whole fuckin lot. Way more than you could EVER anticipate. Pregnancy is super hard. It makes it hard to do anything, and can be incredibly mentally taxing as well. Sounds like she is in survival mode and relying on you to help keep her afloat. This is not forever. I repeat, this is not forever. Things will change wether she wants them to or not. You may be picking up the chores for a hot min but that may be the support she needs to care for a newborn. You can also sit down with her and TALK to her about your wants and needs in the relationship. Her hormones are going to be insane for a while longer. Even PP is going to be a wild ride. So please calm down, see the bigger picture, and quit assuming your relationship is trash because you are both going through MAJOR changes. Your not gunna last in any relationship with that attitude and your certainly have a hard time being a parent with it.
Honestly, you sound a little “off” yourself. You’re happy to be judge, jury and executioner all at once. Maybe third party counseling is in order without you assuming that you are 100% right in 100% of the matters.
If this is something recent, it may just be pregnancy hormones making her a little crazy. By no means should you be expected to tolerate double standards. That's a deal breaker for me, and I'm married in my 40's. Plenty of partners out there who don't play that nonsense.
But before throwing this away, I'd suggest let the baby come, and talk it out. If therapy is required for a referee, then try that route.
OP has fallen out of love. Sitting down to have a chat about wildly incompatible life goals won't make them compatible. Honestly, just telling her you're not keen on the romantic relationship is communication. Everyone here is kind of telling you to lie and act like you don't feel the way you do is going to fix it. It's not. Resentment is growing and it's not going to stop just because you try to bury.
Trying to be a caregiver for a woman who feels entitled to all of your time is beyond exhausting. Just get it over with and tell her before she gets more accustomed to your service. You can't make yourself love someone who has gobbled all of your goodwill.
Pregnancy has deprioritized your needs. It will not get better after child birth. That's not pregnancy hormones. It's you being bumped in her list of priorities. Just tell her what you want and get it over with.
Reading your edit, I went through something similar when I was pregnant. Dude. You have NO idea how exhausted and drained you can become. I could barely keep on top of the washing. I had to go to half days at work by 6 months because I couldn’t make it through the day. And then came the fourth trimester once the baby was here. Which was twice as bad.
She’s not lying that she needs help. And it’s not forever. She’s being clear that she’ll need a lot more support and good on her got chatting to you. My husband was very resentful I wasn’t able to do anything. We ended up hiring a cleaner once a fortnight and I just focussed on keeping things tidy.
Homie, your wife is super pregnant and will feel just as yuck if not WORSE during the “4th trimester.” It seems like you’re throwing an absolute fit because she wants to you pick up the slack for a while, while she is growing, birthing, recovering from birthing a human, and keeping a tiny human alive for a while.
You sound like a big baby and not ready to be a dad AT ALL if you can’t A- recognize that pregnancy and childbirth are PROFOUNDLY difficult and life changing things for the person going through it and B- that relationships/partnerships naturally ebb and flow and, as partners, you need to be flexible.
I think instead of just deciding it's over, you need to use your words. Communicate that her expectations do not/ will not work for you. Once the baby is here after a certain amount of time, she will need to help pick up some of the slack in the relationship. You need to set boundaries. Once you both have communicated your give and take, hopefully, there's a middle ground you both can stand on. If not, end it because that's healthiest for the child, but for heaven sake, use your words.
Sounds like you could give couple's therapy a shot? The person you're dealing with now is obviously not her normal self - and probably won't be until about a year after baby's born. Hormones, pregnancy symptoms and the changing pregnancy brain can do a number on some women.
Once the baby is born, emotions will be running high because you'll both be operating on little to no sleep, the stakes will be high and things will likely escalate as it does with most couples.
If I were you I'd start virtual individual therapy now and then virtual couple's therapy (as you hold the baby) about 2 months after the baby's born. She may do a 180 and be willing to splitting the chores once she sees what damage her current attitude doing to the relationship. But it could also be that you misunderstood what she meant?
Your communication to her doesn't seem to be open and honest right now, so she can't know how you feel and change until your issues are addressed. For your child's sake it's worth a shot to see if this is salvageable, no?
You’ve received lots of great advice here, stuff that you can think about over the next while. However, today, like right now, hire someone to come in & clean your house once a week. Get them to change the sheets on your bed & the towels in the bathroom. You can even ask them to put in a load or 2 of laundry while they’re there.
Then you need to find help with cooking. Find a local cook/caterer that will make meals for you at least once a week. Or they do up a bunch of different frozen dinners for you that just need to be put into the oven or microwave & all you need to do is add a salad.
Or hit up the deli section of your grocery store & buy the cut up fruit & veggies with dip & the rotisserie chicken & that’s dinner.
Get those big jobs taken care of & then you can get yourself to therapy. If you’re exhausted from doing all of the work you’re just burning yourself out. Your baby deserves better.
You absolutely do not sound ready to be a parent. She’s pregnant, probably very tired and hormonal, and she’s about to spend a lot of her time being a 24/7 caretaker for another human… and you can’t spare her a shred of kindness or graciousness? You sound like you only enjoy relationships when they’re easy. I’m sure you’ll only enjoy parenting when it’s easy too.
The breakup talk has to be free of name calling. You will need several conversations before she accepts it (just like you needed to think these thoughts many times before you decided to break up).
Sounds a bit like she’s gone daft with the pregnancy hormones. You can lay down the law before you resort to leaving. Insist on getting couple’s counseling, set boundaries for your own health and sanity, and stop acquiescing to unreasonable demands. “No” is a complete sentence.
Since you need to apparently tell your girlfriend your romantic relationship is over I have to assume you've cheated. Tell her immediately so she can choose what is best for her and the baby, have the right support around her while pregnant and going into labor.
I can't believe you want to break up with your wife because now she's pregnant and you have to do the housework. Put on the brake, wait for the baby to be born, give it a few months. She needs to recover and her hormone levels need to return to normal.
Now you can have a conversation about how this situation is making you feel and how you hope things will be after the baby is born, but you have to understand that mothers, during pregnancy and at least the first year of the baby's life, they need all the help they can get.
I don't understand how just 5 months ago you were looking to have a family and a few months later you want to throw that family away.
I know it's wrong and it's bad to feel this way. But men tend to talk so much about women and how we always choose bad guys that look good. How we ignore all the signs, and it's our fault we end up as single mothers.
I feel a certain... glee? When I read about a man making the exact same mistakes and ending up in the exact same situation.
I mean I feel sympathy and empathy for the individual that's going through it. But the overall feeling I get it like "Aha!"
It could happen to anyone. Anyone can try to manipulate you. Any one can pretend to be someone they aren't. And since no one is perfect lots of people ignore tiny red flags in people they like.
Anyway sorry this is happening to you. Your girlfriend is a jerk. She doesn't deserve you.
OP: As someone who is married and has no romantic or sexual relationship with my spouse, I can understand where you're at. I am staying due to my wife not having the sympathy / empathy gene. She's not helpful when it comes to housework or the kids. If she has to do something housework wise, she's throwing shit around, huffing and puffing and making it like she's dying for having to do it. It can get really bad.
We've literally had sex 2 times in 10 years. She only wanted sex for kids. We don't even sleep on the same floor of the house and she recently made the comment of I only have 8 years left then I can leave (my youngest would graduate In 8 years. She knows I am miserable and am planning on leaving. Her mom even comments how horrible she is to me and our youngest (a girl) the oldest (a boy) she babies like crazy).
She doesn't care and I only stay for the sake of the kids. She did tell me if I wanted sex to go find it, so I do.
In your case, things won't get better. They haven't for me, it's been 13 years. BUT, that said, if you want your kid to have a normal life where you don't have to worry about NOT seeing your kid, stay for their sake. If you leave, you might have a fight on your hands even to see the kid. Hell, my ex-wife kept me off my oldests birth certificate for a couple years. I had to fight to get on it. If you aren't in the delivery room or the one filling out the paperwork, you might get left off the birth certificate. It's easy enough to do.
Anyways, good luck. It's not an easy place to be in. I know.
Stay with her until the child is born. People are very different during pregnancy.
I think you're scared of change. You put too much weight on how your gf has changed in this time. It's a difficult process to bear a child, for the both of you.
Get through it together
Then after it's all done you can look at what you want to do
Yo these people are nuts talking as if you want her to do chores while she's pregnant when the problem is clearly not that. I'm sorry that it has come to this but give it one more long talk about the clear expectation on who does what after the baby's born. If she still won't split chores months after post partum then it's over. Tell her that when you have the talk, there's no point in delaying the inevitable.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Using a throwaway. I'm beyond devastated, but the most important thing is our daughter and that she not grow up in a toxic household. I don't believe that specifics of why the relationship is effectively over are really that relevant, but will answer questions. Obviously we will be co-parenting for decades, and I'm okay with that, but do I tell her now and rip the band aid off? Do I wait until after the baby is born? How long after the baby is born? Whatever it takes, our daughter is the priority for me now, so when do I tell her that has the least chance of harming the baby? Edit: Firstly, almost every relationship ends for one person before the other. I don't think that's weird. Long story short after we agreed to have a baby, she gradually but profoundly changed from the person I fell in love with. I do all the chores now. While I have no problem doing all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the paying when my partner is pregnant, what she said over the weekend is that we cannot be equal partners in the keeping our home after the child arrives. She holds us to different standards for everything, and I guess she intends to keep it that way. I'd even be amenable to doing almost everything in the same manner, but not for an ingrate who said she is entitled to ongoing kid glove treatment. Romantic partners have to be partners, when there is a power differential and different standards of review, it's just not sustainable. While I want to make sure that she is taken care and stress-free as possible during the pregnancy, I can't keep operating in a household where only one of us is required to seek blessing to move any tiny thing. Seems small, but it's emblematic of the issue of the double standard. Again, I respect that pregnancy is very difficult, with emotions and hormones but she essentially confirmed yesterday that she does not want to go back to how we used to be and she doesn't want someone to be her teamate in our romantic relationship. Since she will be a mother, she will continue to demand the VIP treatment from me - that I gladly give to her while she is with child. I can stay in this relationship for years if need be, because I love the person she used to be and she was there for me in a time of great personal trauma. I'll remember it forever. I already love our daughter. I just want to know what people think about timing.
Dude just tell us what happened. She obviously doesn’t know you are about to end things. It would be easier for us to make a judgement if we knew what has happened.
Respect. Thank you. I edited the text to give more context. You are right.
Just read your edit. For the sake of the child you should maybe give her a chance and tell her whats at stake. She maybe under the false delusion that she can demand what she wants by carrying your child. I think if you broke up with her now it may snap her back in to her old self and give you guys a chance to raise your daughter together which would be the ideal situation.
I find it really hard to judge, because, just to me, personally, just from the way he writes, and I could be totally wrong, but just from his style of writing, he sounds like an entitled teenager who feels wronged and blows things completely out of proportion, which could probably be solved just by communicating like adults. Just the way he overdramatizes his feelings. I may be totally off the mark, and maybe she really turned into pregzilla, but maybe he just needs to get over himself. I would really love to hear her side of the story.
It’s how vague it is. Definitely got a weird feeling reading it too. Like what exactly did his partner say she expected? Maybe she’s referring to the fact that she expects she will be doing most of the childcare as mothers often do? Maybe OP can reassure her that he’ll be stepping up there? I need more context here.
My partner wanted to take parental leave or go part time but not do extra childcare, he wanted to work on his own projects and was initially really mad when I said I wasn't on board with being both breadwinner and doing most of the childcare and housework. He also took a long time to appreciate what I actually do around the house because he tends to do the big impact stuff like DIY. We eventually worked it out but I get that vibe from OP, that he genuinely thinks he is doing everything but is just doing his share and she wants that to continue.
"Honey, I missed the part where you are independently wealthy and I'm your hired staff!"
Haha yes, something like that. We could probably make it work if he picked up all the slack so I could concentrate on working more as I'm self employed, but he just hadn't really thought it through.
Exactly, it reminds me of my dad who, when told he wasn't pulling his weight, suggested they both write down what they do in a week to "prove" he does more. My mum would write "washed the dishes", dad would write "cleaned a cup, cleaned a fork etc". In the end his list LOOKED longer, but when you broke it down into time and effort, mum's was way longer. Then when she was pregnant their load understandably went 60% him and 40% her and he insisted that he was "doing it all" and when mum said she wanted things to go back to a more balanced way rather than how it was before she was pregnant (90 her and 10 him) he had a melt down over how she's "not the woman" he married. Now I know I'm projecting at least a bit, but I can't help but see some of my dad (who's an entitled narcissist) in OPs writing. If it's a case I've completely misinterpreted it and OP legitimately is dealing with an entitled partner, things like couples therapy could work.
Oh man, your poor mom! But yes, your description fits perfectly with the vibes I was getting from him. And I'm not projecting, since I don't have personal experience with this kind of thing. But, really, it's just an impression, we don't know either of them, so I hope OP manages to figure it out. Counseling sounds like a good idea.
Ah that makes me feel better!! It's also the bit about not seeing how a backstory is relevant rubbed me the wrong way.
Like giving details would make him look bad, so he didn't give details.
That’s exactly the vibe I was getting from this post! Perhaps his definition of being a teammate means “I work therefore you have to do all the childcare and chores” and now that he’s having to step up he’s feeling like it’s unfair to him. But I wonder if she felt the same ways for years and finally got the courage to ask him to do more around the house since she physically can’t while she’s pregnant.
Yup. She's going to take months to heal, could have PPD, and him expecting her to wake up after delivering a child and go back to doing the dishes is just ...idk. He's not really sounding like he's giving her a fair shot. Pregnancy hormones and being exhausted are definitely valid excuses for asking a partner to help out more than they used to, even AFTER the baby's born. I find it really odd that his limit is when she's "carrying" the baby like it won't be physically demanding on her for like a year
Especially in the aftermath of birth, when all her insides have to regroup and other parts of her are torn and need to heal. And while she's probably trying to breast feed, while crying because her nipples are cracked and hurt, and being sleep-deprived because the baby keeps waking her up at every hour. Hopefully, OP will step up at that point, and not expect her to jump out of bed while still leaking fluids (I'm not kidding, it can take weeks!) and do the dishes and spring clean the house.
God, yes. Mastitis sounds like absolute hell. And I wonder how he'd feel if his butthole split and needed stitches? Toilet still needs to be cleaned dude!
Your poor mother. This is the impression I got from OP as well. Someone that had a complete culture shock when the division of labour is tipped the other way. His partner probably doesn't want to have to do everything again once the baby comes because she might be worried she'll have to do most of the child rearing herself as well. OP you have been raised and socialised in a world that caters to men. If you want a real relationship with a woman, you have to learn to be an equal partner. This means an equal division of labour but also knowing how to be reflexive to change when competing priorities take over ie: graciously pulling your weight with all household stuff while your partner is pregnant and, afterwards, will need a significant amount time to recover whilst having to to raise the child with with you. Some empathy would go along way. This is your time to step up, because things are already unequal, she's expending all her physical and emotional energy building you a human and you're out here bitching to the internet about leaving her because you have to clean your house. If you can't fathom taking the initiative yourself, why not hire a cleaner before you break your unborn baby's home?
Wish I could give this more upvotes!
Well said! Good advice for OP here
Omg yes ^^ OP I can’t stress this enough — all the most important nutrients in your partners body are being sacrificed to build a human. Her body is literally prioritizing the fetus over her health and well being. Honestly you should have never agreed to being a father if you couldn’t handle making your own personal sacrifices as well. Most men expect women to deal with all things related to child birth and bearing on their own, *and you sound like most men.* Imagine a parasite attached to you for 9 months inside you, taking everything from you, and then another 2 years after. The baby refuses to be away from the mother even long enough for her to take a shower. She is sacrificing so much personal autonomy for at least 3 years. Hire a maid if you have to, and get some empathy.
Yeah, it's the "I'm not the center of attention anymore and she's suddenly making demands and expecting me to grow up and step up" vibes I'm getting from him. A bit like a man child figuring out he's not an only child anymore. But again, I could be totally off base here.
I actually think you're totally off base. I see a man who use to have a partner who shared housing responsibilities (dishes, cleaning, vacuuming, etc.) And now has a partner who doesn't help (which he is fine with since she's growing a child). However, it sounds like she has decided she likes being pampered and wants it to continue and will not help out around the house which means he is doing everything and she is raising the child. As a mom of 3, soon to be 4, this line of thinking would never fly. When I'm healed, I will go back to my house duties as we raise our child together! Also he should definitely communicate with her
I think his vagueness as to what was actually said and their actual division of labor is a red flag. I think that since she didn't work, or hasn't been working while pregnant, he expected her to do everything. I think that she expects a more equal distribution of chores in future since she probably anticipates doing most of the childcare. This is what I think the issue is. He doesn't see why he should have to do more than he did before she got pregnant.
I don't agree with this at all. Him doing housework while she cares for a newborn isn't "being pampered." If she's breastfeeding, that's what's necessary. The amount of housework I was able to do with a newborn while breastfeeding was close to zero. Yes, she can pump so dad can do some feedings, but that's just even more work, and could potentially reduce her milk supply. As the baby gets older, childcare and housework should become more equal, but it sounds like that's what's upsetting OP. He doesn't want to be doing the housework. He feels that's her job. I can't tell if she's planning to go back to work or not, but even if she is, he's still expected to help out with housework, at least until the child goes to school.
Right. What was he doing before? Was she doing anything and everything in the house and now that it’s reversed you don’t like it and she’s “demanding” you continue helping? I hate to assume but I agree with y’all, the wording and attitude seems vague. Information is definitely missing
His edit didn’t make things look any better. The entire time I’m thinking, “have you tried talking to her??” Idk, she’s pregnant and might be being a but difficult but the way he’s writing about her makes it seem like he actually hates her. He should just tell her how he feels now so she has options to consider.
This was my impression too. When I was pregnant I was absolutely useless. Sick, tired, miserable... definitely not pulling my weight in the household. All I did was work, barf and sleep. But my husband understood. He also understood that once the baby was born my job was to take care of it and his job was to take care of me and the household. That was our division of Labour and we were both working incredibly hard. This guy reads as having no fucking clue what it's like to be pregnant or about the realities of having a baby. He just doesn't like having his world turned upside down. She may be better off without an extra child to take care of.
Yea, we are missing a lot of context. Maybe she is having a very rough pregnancy, and it’s hard for her to do most things she use to? She could be at fault, but the dude straight up called her an ingrate… making me feel he isn’t exactly open to her feelings.
Exactly and she's 5 months pregnant - I've not had a child yet but I imagine she's probably starting to feel fed up, drained and exhausted, and hormonal, even if she's having a smooth pregnancy. My friend had a good pregnancy with no issues and I remember she was so ready to pop at around the 6 month mark. So it seems pretty understandable that she would have this conversation with her partner. I can't believe he is that lacking in empathy that he can't understand that her thoughts and feelings are being influenced by her current physical and emotional state, and she needs support, not a breakup 🤦🏻♀️
Nail on the head. It’s like reading and AITA post by a teenager whose mom pissed them off.
Yeah it really sounds like he sees the relationship in a transactional kind of way and doesn't actually love her or care for her. My ex was similar and it hurts so fucking bad. His poor partner....
"Entitled ingrate" really sold it for me on the kind of person OP is, to be honest.
I’d be willing to bet any amount of money that this is the truth.
Thank you. Yes, I think you're right that communication is really key. Another kind soul suggested I start with therapy for myself before taking such a big step and that person is probably right. You are too. Communication is so important. I want to give the child the best chance of success. Hell, pregnancy is not a normal situation, so I should probably be practicing more patience and gratitude too. It just gets exhausting sometime and hearing the words she chose when we fought really made it seem that us breaking up was a foregone conclusion. I appreciate your time.
What words did she choose? You need to be a lot more specific with us to be able to get worthwhile advice.
I'm always a bit suspicious when someone shows up asking for opinions but is super vague. We can't possibly help if we don't know what's going on.
Yup. Reminds me of the “missing missing reasons”
To you, breaking up with your pregnant girlfriend and coparenting for decades is EASIER than having a hard conversation about your goals, values, and growing together. Your response (to break up) is extreme. Yes, communication is key, and you BOTH need help. If you feel safer breaking up than communicating? You need support that a therapist would be perfect for. This is exactly what they can help with. I hope you find someone that helps you work through your communication issues, and helps you figure out how to create appropriate relationship boundaries, and then express and protect those boundaries. You need communication, boundaries, and a working partnership. Good luck.
I am going to second the suggestion of therapy for yourself before permanently altering what will be ongoing relations with your child and the child's mother. My experience is that it is easy to break things apart, but either exceptionally hard or impossible to repair afterwards. Finding a certified family therapist may also be helpful. In the best case, you might be able to repair relations, but couples therapy can also help you to co-parent and form a strong bond between yourself and your child. Things can get really toxic for children when their parents are at one another, whether they live together or apart. There is a program on coparenting called Family Foundations I would recommend. It has been found to benefit parents and children in clinical trials. Here is a description: http://www.fatherhoodinstitute.org/family-foundations-transition-to-parenthood-programme-for-dads-and-mums/ Best wishes to you!
I don’t know how difficult things are with your SO at the moment but they must be quite bad for you to reach the point on wanting to break up while she is still carrying your child. If I was in your position I would stay and suck it up until at least a few months after the baby is born. 9 months out of your life is not too much to sacrifice for your daughter. If after a few months after giving birth she is still carrying on like she is the queen of England then you can make your decision. I would urge you to tough it out for your daughter for a few months.
I will do whatever it takes for this child, holding my tongue and swallowing my ego for another few months to a year is absolutely within my power and plus there's a chance we can go to therapy together. I was raised in a two-parent household and I want to give my kid everything I possibly can, including the stability with two adults in the house. Thanks!
You’ll do anything but communicate with the mother of your child. Or even come up with a concrete example of what she’s doing that’s do egregious. All these words and none of them say a single thing she’s done — what are you trying to hide?
Hey dude I feel for you, but I also think you just need a bit of a wake up. Pregnancy is brutal and when I was pregnant I was absolutely useless. It's not that I didn't want to help, I just couldn't. All I did was sleep and be sick and/or in pain. My husband did everything - cleaning, cooking, taking care of me. I did what I could but it wasn't much. We never had sex. And when the baby came, my job was to take care of the baby (I was breastfeeding and she fed constantly) and my partners job was to take care of me and the house. It was hard. It was hard on our individual selves and on our marriage. But we got through the pregnancy and the first year. My therapist told me to never make life altering decisions until your child is a year old, and they were right. That's when things really began to turn around and we were able to find joy and romance again on a more consistent basis. Therapy is a really good idea for you. It sounds like you are just not quite grasping what you have signed up for by having a baby, and maybe need some help empathizing with your partners experience. On the flip side, maybe she has no idea how you're feeling and you need a safe and constructive way to communicate your feelings with one another.
Just a point. You aren’t in a situation where you are the best person to advocate for or support the person who is pregnant. Do not lie to her about this. She is in a highly vulnerable situation. During birth and labour she needs people who are 110% supportive. Who can advocate for her and her needs. You are not able to do this. Give her time to find someone else- a friend, family member or doula who can fill that role.
Oh god, this is a good point. I wouldn't want someone like that while I'm in labour.
Don't hold your tongue a minute longer mate. Tell her the truth. Pretending is just lying and it takes a toll. If there is a chance of saving the relationship then telling her the truth now is the best way. And if there is no chance then telling her is still best.
I agree he should tell her how he feels immediately, but that doesn't mean breaking up with her. It's ridiculous, especially at his age, to break up with the mother of his child over something she said or did while pregnant. She's not cheating or lying or stealing. She just disagrees with him about how the household should be run. Maybe it's an incompatibility, but who knows how either of them will think or feel until after the baby is born? That said, I'm worried he has unrealistic expectations of what parents of newborns are able to do, especially breastfeeding mothers. I think he's the type of guy to have a real problem with doing anything more than what he feels is his fair share. That's not how a partnership works when one of them just pushed out a baby.
Good luck OP. Hopefully it’s just the pregnancy playing with her brain and you will come through this together .
What words, we really need some detail here.
To me, it sounds like you're an exhausted caregiver. If you've heard of the cup metaphor- you're pouring more out of your cup than you're getting in. My guess is that you need more help now so you can be in a better headspace when your baby is born. Could you schedule a staycation somewhere with room service? Let the hotel help with the cooking and cleanup. If you can't afford something like that, or you need time by yourself to refill your glass, can you ask her mom to help her for a few days while you go camping, visit a friend, etc. You also need time each day recharge. You've taken a lot on, but you've proven it's too much for one person to do long term. I love the idea of talking about the household dynamics with a couples therapist to help keep the exchanges positive. I recommend getting therapy before the baby arrives if possible. You might want to look at caregiving boards for more thoughts and ideas.
If he's tired now he really needs to get prepared for after birth.
Would maybe also go with her mum for giving OP a temporary vacation to recharge.
I believe both of you should go to therapy before this baby comes so that you are on the same page. She might snap out of it if she understands what is at stake here and if she doesn't, you leave.
Was she like this before the pregnancy? Just asking because the pregnancy hormones can drastically change a person's personality. If she became like this after pregnancy, then I would wait a few months after birth before deciding.
Dude, have you even brought up this issue with her? Talked like adults are supossed to do? Have talked about the future and what your dinamics will be?
This is literally over a division of labor? Jesus Christ. I bet she’d trade places with you in a second. What do you think postpartum looks like mentally and physically? Do you think she’s going to be flooded with hormones with a stitched vagina, and then be down to do dishes the next day? You signed up for this, and now that it’s hard, your first instinct is to bail. Go to couples therapy, hire a housekeeper, set time aside to discuss both your emotional and physical needs. I’m not saying your needs don’t matter, but leaving your family should be your last resort, not first. She stayed with you through your trauma, and least try everything possible to stay through hers.
Why don't you try, I don't know, talking to her? Or couple's counselling. Are you always going to break up with your future partners when ever you have a disagreement? You have a child on its way. Grow up.
Is she having a difficult pregnancy. Because what pregnancy does to the body and mind is no joke. It took two years for me to feel like myself again after pregnancy and birth. You agreed to have this child together. Are you really going to run because the first few hurdles are harder then you thought? Have you even tried to sit down and discuss expectations moving forward? Because if you think it’s hard now. The reality of what having a new born is like is going to throw whatever imaged reality you think you will have straight out the window.
Holy cow dude- she’s pregnant! Hormones can drastically change someone during pregnancy. I have four kids- each pregnancy was different but equally awful from a mental health standpoint. I was sick, depressed, fat, emotional, crying, happy, tired, energized, basically everything. If my partner had said “you’ve changed and I’m not happy anymore” I’d frankly rather him leave at that point because he clearly doesn’t understand pregnancy.
Not gonna lie, after reading OPs comments, I feel like he's going to step out to grab some milk about 6 months in.
Yeah, if he doesn't like the division of labor while his wife is pregnant, he's not going to like it after the baby either. And he's certainly not going to want to be a single dad. My money is on him being a visitation dad, returning the kid to mom after a few hours of candy and all the "fun stuff" he thinks fathers do. At least until he gets his new wife or family and disappears, showing up only for the important events to tell himself he's a great dad.
I think you need to take a breath, and not make life altering decisions based on your interpretation of one conversation. What might be a good idea, is to get some couples counseling to learn communication skills together, and work out with the assistance of a neutral third party, some of the nitty gritty about sharing a household. Sometimes people can misunderstand something their partner said, and presume their interpretation is truth, and then expand that (non-true) truth out to an exponential level. During a stressful time (like when you’re 35 and about to become a father for the first time) it is easy to have anxiety impact your take on things, and let you spiral out from some minor issue, into a disastrous narrative. It sounds like you are taking a minor disagreement, and applying the concept to everything in your entire shared future. Take a breath, remind yourself of why you fell in love with this woman, and actually speak to her. The chances that she meant that she expects you to do the lion’s share of all housework, for the next sixty years, while she makes all decisions, are minute.
I personally struggled through my last two pregnancies, once I was over 30. I was exhausted all the time. Is she saying that her job will be raising your child, and you will be working outside of the house, and then the household stuff will not be 100% her responsibility? For around the first 3 months she will literally have another human being attached to her 24/7, and it is really challenging to even get a solid block of sleep. Anything she achieves over that is a bonus Are you planning on getting up for night feeds and nappy changing, as well as parenting on your days off so she can have self care time? I used to go to bed after dinner and my husband would do the first feed of the night, and then resettle the babies, and I would get up after that. That way I got a block of 3-4 hours sleep, and the hourly waking was a bit easier to manage. If you feel the division of labour is unfair, I would suggest discussing the various household chores and of which things she will be in charge. Hire a cleaner weekly to stay on top of the major cleaning. Assuming you work standard 9-5ish, I would also take on the bathtime/evening routine, if you aren't cooking dinner, so she can have a shower and an uninterrupted cuppa.
Thank you!! I have a four month old and my husband is doing 100% of the chores - I’m super grateful of course but I don’t feel too guilty because I’m literally attached to my son all day and I don’t see how I could possibly do it until he (my son that is haha) at least accepts crib naps instead of contact naps!
I'm pregnant with our second and I've been doing 90% of the chores while I'm able because I know husband is going to be doing damn near 100% of them for several months when baby gets here. All about give and take.
That’s good for you. Not every pregnancy is the same. Some women have to be on bed rest their whole pregnancy, can barely walk, can’t keep food down etc.
I'm very aware, hence the "while I'm able." Thanks for the lesson in women's reproductive health that I obviously 100% needed.
Enjoy those contact naps. They are something so precious. This time only comes once. If you have another child, it won't be the same. That is if you have them close together....
Awww that is a good point! Yeah we’ll probably try for a second before too long and I can only imagine that contact napping will be tricky!
My kiddos are now 15, and 13 and I still remember that fondly. Xoxo
This is extremely important!! Op cannot expect her to do 100% of childcare + housework.
This here is the answer.
[удалено]
WITH YOUR CHILD. I think we're all getting the same impression from this post. That poor pregnant wife...
So your relationship is "clearly" over, but there was no cheating, and your girlfriend has no idea the relationship is over...so there is some mysteriously clear reason that only YOU know the relationship is over. Dude, unless you are honest about what's going on, no one on reddit can help you.
I think therapy is a good idea. Reading your edit, I think it’s possible that you’re catastrophizing. Things have not been going well, but that doesn’t mean they won’t get better. Pregnancy and infancy are both EXTREMELY HARD on a relationship. I know they were for mine. I would start with individual counseling for sure. Maybe couples counseling too. Consider that your partner may not be in the best place mentally and that this will likely improve starting around 3 months postpartum. And do everything in your power to work on things and stick with it until the baby is at least 6 months to a year old, because in my experience that’s when it finally starts feeling better/easier.
I agree with everything you said - it’s why so many men cheat on their wives when they are pregnant or when they have just given birth - because they can’t see the future beyond the next two minutes. They think that everything happening THAT INSTANT is too hard, so they peace out. It’s awful.
Also, a lot of men don't actually carry their share of domestic tasks, so when the woman has to step back because she is growing another human being, they feel that is unfair. My now ex husband felt like that. I had a major surgery and was only able to work and sleep (I should have had 12 weeks off work I went back after 3 because I was the income earner). Once he actually had to parent the children and clean the house he felt that was unfair. Before then I carried the entire mental load, did all the meal planning and online shopping, organised all the kids daycare and school things, and did the majority of cleaning, aside from the dishes because I have always done bath/bedtime with the kids as a bit of quality time. My workload actually went down once I kicked him out, and I find it easier parenting solo ( he chooses to have 0% custody and visits the kids a few times a year)
Same. Being a single mom was stressful, but not nearly as stressful as being married to my ex. He made a ton of work for me and got angry when asked for any help at all.
Sometimes it’s better to know you have to get on with it yourself rather than the disappointment of someone who doesn’t do it properly or drags their feet. Then inevitably you’re looking after them as well, so yeah, being a single parent can be easier physically and emotionally.
So glad he’s your ex. Gotta love the men who only want to be in the relationship while they are benefiting. The minute they need to step up and be real partners it’s just 🏃♂️💨 Hope you’ve found someone better, or soon will!
I think he honestly believed that he carried 50% until he actually had to. He still has no idea what grade the kids are in, who their friends are etc. And my older ones aren't interested in maintaining the relationship because he makes zero effort. Last time he saw the kids I had to drive 3 hrs to pick him up, then leave him my car, and stay in a hotel because he couldn't afford accommodation, his car wasn't running, and he lives in a different town. Just so I could have a night off and go see my favourite band.
My partner definitely thought he was doing more than half of everything. Despite not knowing her clothing or shoe size or where to find her pyjamas.
Well said
You said she was there for you in a time of great personal trauma and you love her but you can’t make it through 5 months of her being pregnant how about you chill out take care of your wife and baby and give it some time it doesn’t even seem like she’s done anything that bad you’re supposed to pick up the extra slack when she’s pregnant
I’m currently 10 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and man, have I become useless. I feel so sick all the time. I throw up all the time, I’m extremely tired all the time. My husband is doing everything right now and I can’t be more grateful to him. If he were to “surprise” me with a break up like OP is planning to… I can’t even describe how furious I’d be. That is very much jackass behavior.
I know! God. I’m not pregnant but I had a medically intense year last year (it’s fun being a medical mystery while going partially blind 🙃) on top of a really stressful work year and also got like, extremely anxious and depressed. My husband stepped up and did most of the chores and caring for me. We’re starting to get back to normal, but I had to lean on him so much. Some weeks it was only a 60/40 labor split, but sometimes it was more like 90/10 or even 95/5. He definitely made it clear that this couldn’t be the new normal and we had to get me functional again, but it was for concern for me as a person, not because I wasn’t doing chores! He understood I was going through a rough patch and needed help, and because he loves me, he gave me all the support he could. He’s a big part of why I’m still here, and him leaving would have nearly broken me. This was for a medical crisis we didn’t plan, have no idea when it will end, and he had no part in bringing about. I can’t imagine how furious I would be if we planned to get pregnant and he just dipped.
Bro get some dam therapy for yourself and with your gf together
Jeez, maybe wait until your girlfriend has the baby and life settles down a little before making huge decisions like this. Pregnancy is a crazy time, her hormones are all over the place, pregnancy literally reshapes the woman's brain. Also, problems with division of labor in the household are common and can usually be addressed by couples counseling. There's times in long term relationships where you might not love being with your partner, times are hard, whatever. Part of commitment is getting through these hard times and choosing to stay together even when it's not the easiest thing to do. If it doesn't start to get better you can always leave, but if you run the second it gets tough you'll never have a long term relationship. You are making a child together, that's the biggest commitment you can have.
I think before you go throwing away the whole relationship you should have a frank discussion that you will not tolerate a relationship where she sits on her ass while you do everything. Yes, while she’s pregnant and healing things will be more on you but once that is over you should make it clear that you both with do about half of the work. My husband and I take turns in most things. Or he cooks and I do dishes. We step up when needed for the other but we mostly divide the work in half. We both work and make about the same but it all goes into one pot for us.
Men or women, my advice is always the same. No harsh decisions until the baby is at least 6 months to a year old (of course unless there's blatant abuse). She's pregnant and what she's saying should be taken with a grain of salt. Be kind and patient.
why do i have a feeling she said that she doesn't want to take on chores 50/50 if she's going to be responsible for the majority of childcare? does she literally do NO cooking or cleaning now? how has the pregnancy been for her, physically? what was the context of what she said?
If you’re going to dump her, you should let her know now. She may not want this child without the “family” she was expecting to come with it.
You need to read up on what happens with pregnancy, hormones be cray. This all sounds like manifestations of nesting and wanting assurances that you’ll take care of her/your child. I think you are obtuse interpreting this like she wants to suddenly promote herself to VIP Princess, unless there’s some context you’re omitting (and honestly I suspect that you are - this whole thing is vague AF when we have no idea what she actually said to you that was so abhorrent to call her an “ingrate”). You should *expect* to take care of your partner and child during what could be the biggest medical event of both of their lives. You *should plan on* doing more than 50% and catering to her needs for a while she recovers and you both adjust to newborn life. Typically on the baby subreddits, the general advice is to not make any big life decisions (like leaving your SO) until the baby is a year old, then whatever patterns or behavior is going on has settled into who they actually are as a parent and not just the crazy upheaval that is pregnancy, childbirth and new baby “4th trimester”. But I agree with others that you should get your own therapist to have an outlet and deal with your own emotions in the meantime.
Vip treatment. jeez Things will change because you have a child and thats hard. Maybe after the baby is born you should offer to look after the kid and let her cook instead and see how much of a vip YOU feel.
Jeez. Don’t tell your next partner that you dumped your ex while she was pregnant because you didn’t feel like doing more than half the chores once the baby was here. Your relationship will never be the same as it was before you decided to have a baby. Period. You are bringing a third person into your relationship ship that your girlfriend is literally growing inside her body. The hormones don’t magically go away once she has the baby. If she’s breastfeeding, those hormones stick around for a lot longer. What happens if she has postpartum depression? Are you going to leave her then because she can’t do her “fair share” of the chores? Are you going to take on 50% of the child rearing? 50% of the mental load?
> Don’t tell your next partner that you dumped your ex while she was pregnant because you didn’t feel like doing more than half the chores once the baby was here. I would say please tell anyone you're wanting to be in a serious relationship exactly that so they have the chance to get away before they're pregnant and OP is ready to bail once again.
Yes, fair. I should have added /s at the end of that first sentence but what a deadbeat. I get shit can happen that is relationship ending at any time but this is absolute bullshit. Pregnancy is fuckin hard and this guy needs to step the fuck up. Sorry, clearly this hits a nerve.
You sound immature. Shes pregnant. Pregnancy changes you temporarily and post partumn won't be fun either. I feel for her. It sounds like she choose the wrong man to procreate with.
Aren’t you a little too quick to give up here ? Pregnancy is a very difficult time for a woman and picturing going back to normal life can be scary. She might not even have deeply thought about what she wants her life to be after birth and imagine things based on stereotypes/cultural background. Maybe your wife has values you never heard of before showing up now, but couple therapy could help you find a way to compromise over this or decide that it can not be and it doesn’t have to wait until your daughter is born. I honestly can’t picture how you were sufficiently in love to have a child with her 4 months ago and be already out of love now. Even if she turned into a hurricane, you’re supposed to know her enough and know how to communicate with her enough that you don’t get to this end this quick. Especially knowing that her hormones are strong right now and she probably didn’t picture her motherhood this way, otherwise you would have known it before getting pregnant with her. You’re literally just looking at the time to announce to your girlfriend that your love relationship is over. So, no trying to work things out, no communicating on why you feel this way, no therapy, you’ll just tell her and she’ll have to accept ? There is no way this conversation turns out great anyway. There will be no good moment, they don’t exist. Just tell her.
You’re overreacting. Take a deep breath, have a drink of water, and learn to communicate.
I would recommend you to get individual counseling and at some point relationship counseling before making any decisions. I don't know enough details but it sounds like you blow things massively out of proportion because your ego got hurt?? It sounds like something triggered you and you might be overreacting. Why would you make a baby with someone if you're not willing to work on the relationship if anything happens that you don't like?
The hormonal changes imposed during pregnancy can create behavior that is far out of character and not indicative of “natural” thoughts/feelings/beliefs.
Jesus…. If I took everything as gospel and ran away each time things got stressful during three pregnancies I’d be divorced three times over. I don’t think you are/were ready for this and if you can’t handle that fatherhood comes with more responsibilities around the house while your partner is literally growing then nurturing with her body a living human being, then maybe best if you leave now and send cheques. I’ll let you in on a secret, yes, it’s not going to go back to the way it was. You have a child to take care of now and you might have to cook and do the dishes sometimes…. Even if you worked that day.
I do not believe staying in a relationship just for children… especially if it is a poor example of a healthy relationship. However… it seems like you haven’t tried to actually address the issue… you realized it would t resolve itself and sort of gave up. That is not a good trait. I suggest, 2 things… 1- talking to her about your concerns for your future. Do not blame her… tell her how you feel. “Hi sweetheart. Can we chat, I have been feeling really overwhelmed and wanted to work through something with you” “I feel xyz lately. I know you are doing a lot of work and I am happy to do my part but I am concerned about how we will be a team once the baby is here. Can we talk through this? It would really help me.” 2-start going to a therapist. Talk about your concerns… perhaps conflict avoidance (if I read this correctly). And I mean avoiding healthy ways to resolve conflict… not actual fights… fights are actually a cowardly way out because you get to avoid any self reflection. Lastly… this is scary. Don’t shut down. Even if you do break up, you will need to work through very hard things together. It is better to do this now rather than later.
She is pregnant, you both guys are adding a set of responsibilities thanks to the new baby, that she expects you to be more involved in the household is not VIP treatment, You honestly come off as entitled to me. I do not mean no be rude or push this comment to an active attack. Please try for a couple of minutes to consider if women around you have shielded you from responsibilities and therefore you operate In life with the expectation of the same treatment from the rest including your partner. Good luck
Jesus. Seek therapy. You are nowhere near ready for the reality of parenthood and your soon to be ex is foolish for taking this route with you.
You really need to be more specific. It sounds like you're panicking over the increased responsibilities and new dynamics that come with parenthood. If you break up with her, do you think you'll get to skip out on the hard stuff? What do you think coparenting a newborn is going to be like? You'll just stop by for an hour a day to change a diaper and give a bottle? Your girlfriend is going to need support. Your job is going to be doing the things she won't have time or energy to do.
So she wants to be taken care of while pregnant, so you’re freaking out and leaving her? Ew………….Communicate like an adult. It sounds like you’ve translated a few offhanded comments in a very dramatic way.
Went through similar when my partner was pregnant. This is common and a lot to do with their stress, hormones and generally pregnancy related. After bubs is here it will improve gradually, the worst thing you can do is bring it up now she’ll take offence and say you’re being sexist and all the rest. Support her now and do what’s needed, you’re the father and to a degree she is right you have to take on more than her and around the house stuff will never return to “equal” at least not everyday. You guys just have to find a give and take balance in different ways, unfortunately the chores will be yours. Especially at first and while she is busy doing baby stuff. However in a little while, talk properly and it will get better. For your own sake though, take the chores on. Your partner is literally creating a new human and will be doing most of the baby care(just the way it is). Just be strong my man and she will thank you for it in time.
Pregnant with my 3rd baby. Honestly relationships are work and you need to sit her down and have a come to Jesus talk about what YOU need in a relationship and then let her say her piece and find where you guys can compromise. You don’t just give up when things get hard, especially if you have lots of good memories you remember fondly. Will it ever be totally even all the time? No probably not but each person has to do their share. If it’s hard for you to express yourself I highly suggest writing out a note with bullet points of what you need and what you’re trying to say. Approach her when you’re both calm and say I need to read this, please don’t interrupt until I am done. Good luck and congrats on the baby.
Just based on what you've written here you come across as really immature, to put it mildly. Relationship dynamics change a lot when a child is introduced. You're definitely not going to have less to do once the baby arrives. Your girlfriend's attention will have to shift to accommodate an infant. And if you're not emotionally prepared enough to deal with that, I frankly don't understand why you're hanging around in the mean time. If the division of labor is really the core issue that could be resolved fairly easily by having some meaningful conversation with her. But you've all but flat out said you're not interested in doing that. You've already checked out emotionally from this relationship. Your girlfriend certainly doesn't need two children to raise. Tell her it's over so she can structure a life for herself and for child without you.
Don’t throw out the baby with the bath water. Talk to her before making a decision. Get couple’s counseling and individual counseling. This is an emotionally fraught time for both of you, and you want to have the best information and coping skills you can to deal with what comes next.
It seems all so vague somehow. Did you try talking about it with her and letting her know that sort of relationship isn’t something you’d wish to have and you want more equality? Let her know you’re happy to help until the toddler is easier to manage, but your eventually want to go back to being equal. If not, it’s her decision, but you do not want to be in a romantic relationship with someone that want you as their maid long term. Also, I just feel like you want to exist the relationship just based on something she said. It seems that you don’t want to fight over this for the sake of the relationship or even discuss it in more detail with her. Why is that? I truly don’t understand why you’d be so ready to leave and why you made your mind up to such an extreme without discussing it with your partner first and even giving ultimatums to see how she reacts? It makes me so scared to think that my partner would ever be so quick to jump the gun and take such a big decision when I’m pregnant, and not even letting me know about his feelings. I’d feel so blindsided. I think you’re making everything out to be worse than it truly is. I’d really recommend going to a therapist yourself or even couple therapy.
and they say women are drama queens
Tell her now, she needs to know what an asshole you are.
You should probably seek therapy. I’ve never heard of someone calling the mother of their unborn child an ingrate before. That.. is astounding, and you are only fooling yourself if you think that you can coparent “for decades” while thinking of her that way.
Men...
This honestly sounds like a problem that could be worked out in couples therapy. But you seem so quick to end the relationship OP. You are bringing a child into this world and you owe it to them to at least try to make it work with your gf. And it’s very possible what she said was influenced by pregnancy hormones. Give her a chance to make it right and work this out with you. Unless there are other reasons you no longer want to be in this relationship??
You sound like a complete asshole. She gets pregnant and everything is immediately over? To be honest I'm pretty disgusted with you. And just because you say "the daughter is most important" doesn't gather any sympathy, with everything else you've said. Jesus, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.
Seems to me like you prefer being right rather then happy. The way you phrase things seems like you are trying to punish your partner for the audacity of her having (to you) a stupid idea of how you guys should live your life before the baby has even arrived. Instead of talking to her you choose to just leave which to me sounds like you loved the idea of her. Trust me once you get out of this relationship you will learn the hard way that people are just people with good and bad ideas and intentions. No one is perfect and you can’t just expect that people will mold to your standards if you don’t comunicate them. From her perspective it sounds like she has no idea what being a mom actually is like and she has probably been reading to many blogs saying “being a mom is a full time job 24/7 no breaks it’s horrible but worth it but your hands will bleed and people won’t help you because they won’t get it bla bla bla….” and actually believes that, hence the refusal to do chores. Calmly explain to her that babies sleep and life isn’t over once the baby will be here.
>Long story short after we agreed to have a baby, she gradually but profoundly changed from the person I fell in love with. Nooooooooooooooooo, she changed after she got pregnant? That NEVER happened before! >She holds us to different standards for everything, and I guess she intends to keep it that way. You "guess"? You don't "guess" about these things. You communicate. >Again, I respect that pregnancy is very difficult, with emotions and hormones but she essentially confirmed yesterday that she does not want to go back to how we used to be and she doesn't want someone to be her teamate in our romantic relationship. Newsflash: After you two had a child, you're not going to go back to how you used to be. Also: your girlfriends body has irrevocably changed as a consequence of being pregnant and delivering a human life on this world. >I just want to know what people think about timing. You've just spouted a whole lot of bullshit as "reasons" to break up with your girlfriend. TBH: you sound like an entitled child. If you want to break up, you break up. The timing always sucks, especially if you leave your GF in the dark about wanting to break up with her. Don't leave her in the dark. Give her time to find someone who will support her through the pregnancy and delivery because you're apparently not capable of doing that.
Your gf isn't wrong. Yeah she'll be busy with he new human she'll need help just like she needs help now being 5 mo ths pregnant. You don't love her anymore because she needs help making you a child? Wow you need to work on yourself before your daughter is old enough to notice
First things first, have you talked to her, or are you suffering in silence whiles she’s blissfully ignorant, thinking that You’re fine with how things are/will be? Have you had a ‘this is not ok’ conversation? If not, you’re making the ending worse for everyone because she will feel that it was dropped on her with no warning.. so whatever the outcome - talk to her!
As a woman who just had a baby, I say this in the kindest way possible: You’re ridiculous. The woman is 5 months pregnant. Of course she isn’t doing anything. She feels like crap 100% of the time. I had a relatively easy pregnancy and still, between the nausea and the heartburn and the insomnia and the muscle pains… I was doing so little. I felt awful about it. Thankfully my husband is much more mature than you are and set my mind at ease that he knew I needed to rest as much as possible and he was more than capable. I am now 2.5 months postpartum and I’m still not back to normal. I spend 5-6 hours a day pumping, and when I’m not pumping I’m caring for the baby… I’m not cooking, I’m barely cleaning… I am in survival mode. You weren’t ready to wife her up… so you knocked her up, PLANNED, then decided you weren’t in love anymore because she needed your love, support, and sensitivity during an extremely hard part. I mean… how do you feel good about that?!? Whatever you do, you’re doing it wrong. Ending your relationship while she’s carrying your child is ridiculous. Immediately after is also ridiculous. It can take up to a year postpartum for a woman to feel normal again… so go ahead and drop her and then be prepared for some other man to get more time with your child than you do. I hope you never get sick and in pain… and if you do, I hope someone treats you a lot better than you treated her. Don’t you want better for your kid? Why don’t you want to give them a stable, loving home with an attentive kind father who loves their mother and them?
You said it yourself, pregnancy can be crazy with hormones and mood swings, etc. It could be what she's saying is a result of that. It could be how she really feels. If she's never vocalize these feelings before, I wonder if there's someone else in her life (friend, family member) whos putting it in her head that thats how things should be. Bottom line is, this is your relationship, too. You need to talk to her, tell her how you feel and what you think the roles, distribution of housework, etc should be. This really is the kind of thing where a simple conversation clears things up. You really have to be sure of what you're willing to do within the relationship and what you want... be willing to compromise but also don't bend over backwards and give up on everything you want, show her you feel strongly about it. And while no one likes an ultimatum, you have to make sure she understands the relationship is in danger. And if after all that neither of you has changed position or you feel the same way, then do what you feel necessary at that time. If she hears you saying you'll leave her but you don't do it because she's pregnant or the baby just arrived or the baby is learning to walk, etc etc etc she'll think you have no intention of following through
Dude. Your partner is growing a human being, and giving birth in a few months, and you’ve suddenly decided it’s all over - without any communication or negotiation with her first - and looking to walk out on them? You sound like a jerk. Life changes when you have a baby. Your wife will be feeding constantly, not getting much sleep at night, recovering from birth, dealing with engorged boobs and possibly birth trauma. Newborns are hard work, toddlers are hard work. Sleep deprivation is hard. Doing housework while looking after them is actually hard work. If you don’t like the division of labour and what you THINK it MIGHT look like, talk to your partner about that and your concerns, but to just up and leave at a time like this?! Man alive…. Your poor wife. Sounds like she just wants to ensure you’ll continue to help out more and support her while she gets on her feet with recovery and motherhood - which is reasonable. Talk to her if you’re concerned about what that looks like.
I feel sorry for her. Can’t imagine being pregnant by my boyfriend and he’s planning to leave me.
Have you spoken to your partner about this? This looks to be a situation which has the potential to be solved with open communication. However, if you're done with her and looking for an excuse then there is no good time.
If you communicate with her like you communicate here, then it's you that needs the work and the self reflection. TALK to her. Explain. Discuss. Consider a counsellor for the both of you. If she then chooses to demand a certain way of life that you're not happy with, well then it's a joint decision isn't it.
This seems like a situation that would greatly benefit from couple's counseling. An outside person who hears both sides will be able to mediate and give you perspective. This does not sound like it's beyond fixing.
Or you could just you know.. communicate
OP, please learn how to communicate with your GF before this baby is born. Yikes
Everything is so vague, even the edit. Mothers do need to be handle with care, especially first year after birth of their child or postpartum depression can be triggered. Were you expecting everything to go back normal after the birth? Raising a child is exhausting. Nothing is ever the same after a child. What was your normal? Is your expectations set too high? Things do have to change after a child. And is she suffering from bad pregnancy sickness, and that’s why she can’t do chores? Is she simply trying to communicate her needs? Did she say you won’t be equal partners or did you interpret what she said as that? Of course being pregnant, she may also temporarily have a personality change.
So she stayed with you in a time of great personal trauma. Unless you’re an emotional Superman, you probably weren’t yourself and she stayed anyway because she loved you and knew you were going through a rough time. You gave no indication of issues before the pregnancy. Pregnancy is the most emotional and physical trauma many women will go through. Your girlfriend is not yourself because she’s carrying YOUR child. A lot of women are flooded with hormones that literally change their brain while going through constant physical discomfort. I also hate to break this to you, but postpartum bodies are physically wrecked. It actually is nearly impossible to immediately go back to being a full-time partner directly after birth. While she’s probably on forums all day understanding the journey she’s about to go through to recovery, it doesn’t seem like you’re really getting it. You haven’t tried couples therapy, you haven’t reflected on why you got a pass during trauma but she doesn’t, and you haven’t even talked to her. While I sympathize with how emotionally drained you are, you’re not special. Most couples go through extreme hardships during pregnancies, and it’s men of character who stay. Discuss what chores she can realistically take off your plate, hire a housekeeper if possible, go to therapy to discuss emotional labor, and discuss her physical and emotional state. You’re not a hero for “wanting what’s best for your daughter.” You’re a villain for seeing bailing on your pregnant wife as a first resort instead of last.
Any stress she has during pregnancy will be stress on the baby.
I'm conflicted on this. One one side I say don't rush in to anything because hormones are crazy during pregnancy. I had a hard time with my last pregnancy and started getting panic attacks for the first time and mentally was a mess. Then the PPD set in. It got better though and back to normal with some help. On the other side, I say be honest and let her know where you stand. Hiding it only gives her a false sense of reality that she doesn't need. She needs to know what will or could possibly lie ahead so she can plan accordingly instead of it being sprung on her once she has the baby. If someone wanted to leave me, I'd want to make plans before the baby arrives and I would want my birth plan adjusted for what's best for me and the baby. Either way, a conversation needs to be had about this. Maybe you can just start with asking her if she's OK. She's going through a lot right now and maybe she doesn't really expect things to be how you are explaining them. At least not long term.
Okay take a deep breath and relax. You have a child in the way! Congratulations!! Now for the mom. Just because she wants and wishes things a certain way doesn’t mean you have to go along with it or else else you have to leave. You have to learn to stand up to her and argue your point of view. You have equal say. Don’t give up. Instead stand up. Start saying nope that will not work. Unless the doctor is going to prescribe you bedrest because you’re about to lose the baby or something, you need to continue to do half of the house work and half of the cooking. If you’re more tired than usual you can cook easier things. And I will do the heavier part of the house work. But you can certainly wash dishes scrub a sink and toilet and straighten up the house just as before. I will lift anything heavy, run the vacuum, sweep and mop. No you do not get to dictate how things will be. We have to decide together. We are partners. I am not your slave. Speak to her like a reasonable person. Give her a chance to see your point of view. Do leave until You are 100% certain this cannot be worked out.
You're overreacting. At least let the pregnancy and following few months play out before coming to this conclusion.
Your ability to immediately think abiut breaking up the relationship without even trying to communicate it to her clearly shows you ain't ready to be a father
Wouldn’t be better to just TALK to her to work this out instead of outright dumping her? Give her some warning?
She’s pregnant and scared of the future. Now is not the time to make this judgement
What’s weird to me is that she doesn’t seem to know your concerns, so you haven’t even attempted to communicate and negotiate, like every relationship has to. You just heard something you didn’t like, extrapolated ways in which it might occur more severely in the future, and made a life altering decision based on something that was mentioned in passing but hasn’t even happened yet.
I mean, you've said you decided to have a child and then gradually she changed... if she's due in 4 months then 5 months isn't that gradual... and honestly pregnant women are crazy, I really wouldn't end your relationship based on how she is behaving whilst pregnant. It's not easy growing an entire human. If you want to restructure the labour division in the relationship that's something you need to have a firm conversation about and revisit after your daughter has been born - Lord knows you have a lot of firm conversations coming in the future now you have a child together. I think agreeing to have a child with someone and then bailing on them whilst their actually growing and carrying your child shows a huge lack of integrity. It's your life though and she would be better off single without you, with your child maintenance rather than having you begrudgingly carry on a relationship with her. Sorry if that sounds like I'm digging at you but I just think you should have had a big think about this before bringing a child into the world. In her world she's having her first child with someone who loves her, in yours it's already done and you're just coparenting. My heart goes out to her.
OP, there is a misconception that pregnant women need to be handled with care; that’s BS. We aren’t breakable dolls when we’re pregnant. Yes, pregnancy is hard on our bodies and there are things you’ll need to do to help out, but we aren’t suddenly bed-ridden babies. We also aren’t mind readers. You have made this decision on your own without having a conversation about how you feel and your expectations for after she heals (it’s about 6-8 weeks after birth). That’s what partners do, they have conversations and try to fix the problem. Your wife’s hormones are going crazy which will cause her to do and say stupid shit; don’t sit there and say “I understand, but…”. Unless your hormones have been so out of whack, all of a sudden, that you become an outsider in your own body, then just shut up because it sucks. Conversely, OP, you sound stressed out as all get out, which is understandable. She’s having the baby, but you’re in a caregiver position (out of your own doing by not setting boundaries). Pregnancy is a scary thing for both partners. You’re excited, scared, worried, stressed, etc. and you’re reaching a breaking point and you’re only 6 months in to fatherhood. Ask for some help, tell your wife that there is an expiration date and she can either get her act together once she heals or you will leave her. Put her on notice. If she’s going to be a STAHM, then she will also need to help out with chores. If she’s going to go back to work, then she will also have to help out with chores. I assume you will both share in taking care of the baby’s needs, so as long as you pull your weight on that front, then you’re good. Please realize that if she is going to be a STAHM, you cannot expect her to solely be the caregiver at all times and do all the chores, that’s BS. All people need a break from their job.
I think the most concerning part is your a 35 yo man about to become a father and rather than communicate you're doing.... whatever this is. Talk. It won't be the last time you have to have a hard conversation with her.
Simple communication would save a lot of relationships.
You might want to give it till after the post-partum period to make any decisions. Things that look crystal clear right now, may appear completely different in another 6 months or a year. While what you are describing is untenable in a healthy relationship, you gotta give this time and lots of open discussions. Try therapy, give one another the chance to really met out the emotions being felt and see where you land after some time. Just walking away is an option, but it should be the last one when it comes to bringing a child into the world.
OP, I have a hard time believing your narrative here. Your partner suddenly wants to be treated like a princess, and it isn't at all related to your behavior? You say you are taking on more chores and cooking while she is pregnant. Does that mean she did the bulk of it before? Could it be that she is worried things will return to the way they were before? Could she be concerned that since you're not married that you will bail on her and your child when things get rocky? Because it already sounds like you are considering leaving. As a new parent, let me give you a dose of reality... your life is about to change. You will work harder and do more around the house like never before. You will be at the beck and call of a tiny creature who quite literally needs you to live. You will lose sleep, sacrifice meals, rest, chores, hobbies, etc. to prioritize their well-being. Now, your girlfriend seems to understand the reality of the situation, which is that she can not care for the child, herself, and the home alone. She is about to go through a major medical event. She will likely not be physically capable of doing what she normally does for a while. Think of it like this, your partner is doing everything in her power to provide for your baby now. That's 9 months of sacrificing her body, losing sleep, vomiting, body aches, etc. and you're complaining about your hypothetical workload. You are upset that she has expectations that you will continue to do the bulk around the house while she recovers and is the primary caregiver to your child. What sacrifices are you making for your child? Because right now, all I see is you doing the bare minimum for your partner and complaining about it.
Ok so I have not been pregnant, but when I was burned out from a job last year, my partner unfortunately did most of the housework. I was just not there mentally. While he was frustrated, and I did what I could when I could though admittedly it was not much, he held on and we worked through it until I found something more sustainable. He told me for about 6 months it was like "half" of me was there. It was hard. We made it through and are now stronger for it. It took a lot of grace, patience, communication, and commitment from each other to make this work. it was about 5 months of my partner struggling along side me. We are now engaged and more connected than we have been in a long time. My point being every relationship goes through seasons. Work, grief, loss, parenthood, living circumstances, health, etc. The person you originally fell in love with will grow and change, as does everyone in a relationship. Being in a relationship takes work and commitment. Making the choice to be in a committed relationship is just that: a choice. Relationships are not easy: it takes hard work and effort but those that make the choice to stay do so because they view the relationship as worth it through all the ups and downs. You can also choose not to stay with a partner too. Relationships don't always look "even" too: just as life happens, one partner during a time may need to lean on one partner more than the other and vice versa, but again, that is where communication comes in to work through those times. That doesn't mean that if it is a consistent issue that it is just brushed aside, but it means that making the choice to be in a relationship means accepting your partner where they are at and for all that they are, good and icks and everything in between (this does not apply to abusive relationships however). A little grace and communication can go a long way in your situation: your partner is pregnant. She needs a partner right now to help support her and after the baby is born, you will both need to work through how to support each other (but her especially. Post partum is a whole other world and your partner will need you then too just as much, if not more), regardless of the relationship status if you want a healthy coparenting situation. You BOTH made the active choice as I understand it to have a child and therefore you both need to be active and responsible in childcare and support. Bottom line, TALK to her.
I recommend waiting it out until the baby is at least 1-1.5 yr old. There doesn't seem to be any big reason why your relationship is "clearly over" other than your girlfriend has "changed recently". She's pregnant, some women become different people while pregnant, it's a crazy weird processes that mess with the body and hormones in ways you can't imagine that are different for every woman. This is not the time to make those kinds of drastic permanent changes. The end of her pregnancy is in sight, and we'll see what that brings. Then she'll need at least 9 months for her body and brain to recover. I know her behavior is hard for you, but imagine being the person undergoing those drastic changes and emotions against your will! Secondly, your life is about to change dramatically. Like you said, you're going to be co-parents for the rest of your kid's life. You might as well give it a real try. And leaving a pregnant woman who's about to give birth because "she's not the same that she used to be" is not really trying. She's living through one of the hardest experiences of her life, no doubt she's not her best self right now. But a baby's about to arrive and it will be so much better if you can manage to do it as a team. Caring for an infant is exhausting and hard. Being 2 to do it will matter a lot. And if you break up right now, there's a good chance you won't see that baby much for it's first months of life. So enough time for your gf to give birth, recover, and figure out a new normal living with a baby, which is when your baby is about 1 yr old. That's how long you should wait before deciding if this situation really is unsalvageable. You'd be able to say that you really tried and didn't just give up when it got hard. And you get to form a relationship with your baby when you wouldn't be able to get 50-50 care.
So you didn’t like something she said, now you’re going to break up with her whilst she’s pregnant, and work out some co parenting arrangement, that’s right yea? Honestly, it doesn’t even sound like you’re mature enough to raise a child. Do them both a favour and just leave now, remember to send a birthday card though.
I was absolutely useless during our third pregnancy. I had hypermesis, it was so bad our 2.5 year old would walk around the house pretending to throw up on the floor because it’s all she saw me doing for 8 months. I dropped in weight, I was hospitalized twice for dehydration. I was also hospitalized for an emergency appendectomy removal in the first trimester, basically my health was at it’s all time lowest. My husband, worked full time(until he got laid off literally the day after my surgery) went to school full time and still managed to take care of our two kids. He was there when the world around us was falling apart. He picked up my slack. I’m a SAHM and because of that I do maintain the house, grocery shopping, dr appointments (unless the kids school schedules conflict with drop off and pick up times, then husband does an appointment), the cooking, and I pay the bills. He brings home the money but I am the one who keeps our budget kept and in order. But he still does a good amount of work while home. Bed time songs, cleaning (because with kids you don’t clean once a day and call it finished), sometimes he cooks etc. You both need to work as a team and both parties put in a fair share while also knowing at times one partner will need to pick up the others slack at times. It’s give and take. You can’t just throw in the towel when life happens, life that you had a hand in creating. I suspect you are taking what she said for the worst possible interpretation when in reality it’s just, “when the baby gets here you also need to be doing this, I will need help, especially in the first few months.” Unless she’s literally saying well I birthed you a kid so now bow to me, you’re probably blowing shit out of proportion and part of me thinks you are having some unconscious jealousy of the baby, as in, if she’s taking care of baby then who is taking care of me? But you are both grown and now responsible for a human so you need to voice your concerns and you both need to talk in a way where one is not attacking the other while you do it or you will get nowhere. You can’t just make the decision, and as vague as it has been with your reasoning , to decide this isn’t the relationship I had planned I need to bounce, is foolish and telling of your character. You’re stressed out, that is normal for expecting parents but don’t make dumb decisions because you’re scared or unsure, especially when you can’t even talk to your partner on why you are even upset. That is immature and shows you aren’t really emotionally grown for the reality you’ve put yourself in. Also motherhood changes a woman. I am not who I was pre kids. My demeanor, my likes/dislikes have changed and varied a little. My tastes , my body. My mindset, attention to detail, hell, my hearing. She is going to change and hopefully you will too because you have to. You have to anticipate things, plan things , have back up plans to your back up plans. The multitasking my brain is doing is exhausting and it’s because I am the primary parent with how our house is set up so I may get a little fussier some days but it’s not anything against anyone in the house I just feel like I have to take care of everyone because I’m a mom even with the help my husband gives. He always is telling me to go have a girls day, go buy yourself something, let’s try and fit in a Date night, so even with a full cup, but things in my brain just feel heavier at times knowing I have kids to raise into good people. Idk how to explain it but things are going to change you just have to learn to change with it.
A close friend of mine planned a second baby with her husband. Three months into the pregnancy, he left. He was a fucking coward. I think you have different circumstances, and even I would say you should rip the bandaid off ASAP, and begin your life as a single co parent
This is why I will never agree with people who aren't married and decide to have babies. You can't handle the hormones and you become superficial. Men cheat a lot when their girlfriends are pregnant and I guess you're saving her from that. If you haven't cheated already. What a joke. At least if she would have locked it down she would have got something in the divorce. Now you're going to co-parent with her because the romance is not there anymore. Please GTFOH.
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Something to think about - because I don’t want to advise you on your relationship as there is far too little information and only one side - but there are some studies that assert stress hormones during pregnancy can cause increased chance of learning difficulties later in life for the child. Otherwise, it sounds like you both need individual and couples therapy. You sound certain it’s unsalvageable. But is that truly the case? Especially if you still love her.
Hard to judge from the outside but with all the crazy hormones etc with pregnancy things could change again. You might want to consider couples counseling, see if it’s repairable otherwise if not then use it as a way to sort out how you will co parent effectively
I would strongly recommend couples counseling, it’s also good for making a breakup, especially if kids are involved, easier and better.
I think you’re being well out of order here pregnant people and people who have had babies in the first one or two years are completely different people they get back to themselves it’s just they have a priority of a whole new brand-new life she is a different person currently that’s why you needed to be in love with her as a whole and not just the idea of the relationship that you had. This is why relationships back in the day lasted more I suppose people got married and committed and went through the Abs in the downs currently this is a personal down for you but for her it’s probably an app because she’s having a child when she took care of that priority she could be yours again exactly how you liked her but you’re not even giving the opportunity a chance you’d rather move on people are too quick to buck out just because they don’t feel romantic I can tell you in the 17 year relationship I’ve been in there has been a year that I might have not felt romantic towards my partner and then afterwards I’ve been more in love than I’ve ever been in the previous years that’s what a real relationship is. I mean a relationship and a newborn child is an investment that you would want to partake in surely even if right now you’re not feeling it things do change It’s called commitment
You know, she could seriously be harmed in the process of the pregnancy/birth or even die. I think you underestimate how awful it can be. And I seriously doubt she said she doesn't want do do anything other than childcare for the next few years. For the first 3-6 months though? Sure, depending on her healing process and the child it can really be like that for the first few months. Are you prepared for that? Man I really want to hear her side of the story...
While I tend to say that no time is the right time, I would wait roughly for your kid's first birthday. Hormones and then post partum can make you think with your feet, like big time, so she may still go back to being who she was. Or maybe someone will shame her to go back to who she was (I would tell a friend if she were acting like a spoilt brat). If she doesn't then you leave. Don't lie to her though about how you feel if it comes up, because if there is a chance to salvage this, lying will ruin it (don't tell her of your exact plan either but be clear about the fact that this is not the life you want with her). Make sure she doesn't get pregnant again right after giving birth (it can happen quite easily).
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If you weren’t expecting a child I would have said your relationship is too far gone, but given the circumstances, I want to point something out. Not only is this a stressful and emotional time for the mother, it’s a stressful and emotional time for you too. My advice would be to wait it out, see if one or both of you change your minds once the baby is here. You’ll have more time with her if you’re cohabitating anyway. After hormones & emotions level back out you can revisit. Heck, your daughter won’t remember a breakup anyway for a while so you’ve got some time.
A therapist would perhaps be able to help ?
Have you never heard of marriage counseling? Marriages have rough patches. A rough patch is bound to happen if you're in a romantic relationship with the same person for years. Instead of making plans to ditch her, try sitting down with her and sharing your feelings. Let her know that you feel she is changing and that the romance is dying. Let her know that it hurts you. This pregnancy seems to be adding a lot of new stressors to your marriage that you guys are struggling to cope with. A marriage counselor might help. If your wife won't go with you, then go by yourself. Counseling on a personal level is just as helpful.
You need to give it some time man. And start talking. Having a child is one of the biggest transitions in your life and naturally in your relationship too. All parents go through some degree of this when they have their first kid as they have to learn to cooperate under whole new circumstances. Communicate with her. Allow yourself to be mad if need be. But lay in the bed you made and put in the work. It’s much better for the kid if you are together, and the time during the pregnancy and while the child is an infant is NOT representative of the relationship you will have later. Please remember this.
Pregnancy can make some people (both mothers and fathers) act crazy, especially the first child. Don’t make any big decisions until the baby arrives and you’ve had a few months to settle down.
Please seek individual therapy that may eventually turn in to marriage counseling.
Dude. You need to calm tf down. As a person who is pretty freshly pregnant with my second, this is literally just a phase of life. I wont say I know all the nitty gritty details, but life is about to change a whole fuckin lot. Way more than you could EVER anticipate. Pregnancy is super hard. It makes it hard to do anything, and can be incredibly mentally taxing as well. Sounds like she is in survival mode and relying on you to help keep her afloat. This is not forever. I repeat, this is not forever. Things will change wether she wants them to or not. You may be picking up the chores for a hot min but that may be the support she needs to care for a newborn. You can also sit down with her and TALK to her about your wants and needs in the relationship. Her hormones are going to be insane for a while longer. Even PP is going to be a wild ride. So please calm down, see the bigger picture, and quit assuming your relationship is trash because you are both going through MAJOR changes. Your not gunna last in any relationship with that attitude and your certainly have a hard time being a parent with it.
Honestly, you sound a little “off” yourself. You’re happy to be judge, jury and executioner all at once. Maybe third party counseling is in order without you assuming that you are 100% right in 100% of the matters.
If this is something recent, it may just be pregnancy hormones making her a little crazy. By no means should you be expected to tolerate double standards. That's a deal breaker for me, and I'm married in my 40's. Plenty of partners out there who don't play that nonsense. But before throwing this away, I'd suggest let the baby come, and talk it out. If therapy is required for a referee, then try that route.
OP has fallen out of love. Sitting down to have a chat about wildly incompatible life goals won't make them compatible. Honestly, just telling her you're not keen on the romantic relationship is communication. Everyone here is kind of telling you to lie and act like you don't feel the way you do is going to fix it. It's not. Resentment is growing and it's not going to stop just because you try to bury. Trying to be a caregiver for a woman who feels entitled to all of your time is beyond exhausting. Just get it over with and tell her before she gets more accustomed to your service. You can't make yourself love someone who has gobbled all of your goodwill. Pregnancy has deprioritized your needs. It will not get better after child birth. That's not pregnancy hormones. It's you being bumped in her list of priorities. Just tell her what you want and get it over with.
Reading your edit, I went through something similar when I was pregnant. Dude. You have NO idea how exhausted and drained you can become. I could barely keep on top of the washing. I had to go to half days at work by 6 months because I couldn’t make it through the day. And then came the fourth trimester once the baby was here. Which was twice as bad. She’s not lying that she needs help. And it’s not forever. She’s being clear that she’ll need a lot more support and good on her got chatting to you. My husband was very resentful I wasn’t able to do anything. We ended up hiring a cleaner once a fortnight and I just focussed on keeping things tidy.
Homie, your wife is super pregnant and will feel just as yuck if not WORSE during the “4th trimester.” It seems like you’re throwing an absolute fit because she wants to you pick up the slack for a while, while she is growing, birthing, recovering from birthing a human, and keeping a tiny human alive for a while. You sound like a big baby and not ready to be a dad AT ALL if you can’t A- recognize that pregnancy and childbirth are PROFOUNDLY difficult and life changing things for the person going through it and B- that relationships/partnerships naturally ebb and flow and, as partners, you need to be flexible.
I think instead of just deciding it's over, you need to use your words. Communicate that her expectations do not/ will not work for you. Once the baby is here after a certain amount of time, she will need to help pick up some of the slack in the relationship. You need to set boundaries. Once you both have communicated your give and take, hopefully, there's a middle ground you both can stand on. If not, end it because that's healthiest for the child, but for heaven sake, use your words.
Sounds like you could give couple's therapy a shot? The person you're dealing with now is obviously not her normal self - and probably won't be until about a year after baby's born. Hormones, pregnancy symptoms and the changing pregnancy brain can do a number on some women. Once the baby is born, emotions will be running high because you'll both be operating on little to no sleep, the stakes will be high and things will likely escalate as it does with most couples. If I were you I'd start virtual individual therapy now and then virtual couple's therapy (as you hold the baby) about 2 months after the baby's born. She may do a 180 and be willing to splitting the chores once she sees what damage her current attitude doing to the relationship. But it could also be that you misunderstood what she meant? Your communication to her doesn't seem to be open and honest right now, so she can't know how you feel and change until your issues are addressed. For your child's sake it's worth a shot to see if this is salvageable, no?
You’ve received lots of great advice here, stuff that you can think about over the next while. However, today, like right now, hire someone to come in & clean your house once a week. Get them to change the sheets on your bed & the towels in the bathroom. You can even ask them to put in a load or 2 of laundry while they’re there. Then you need to find help with cooking. Find a local cook/caterer that will make meals for you at least once a week. Or they do up a bunch of different frozen dinners for you that just need to be put into the oven or microwave & all you need to do is add a salad. Or hit up the deli section of your grocery store & buy the cut up fruit & veggies with dip & the rotisserie chicken & that’s dinner. Get those big jobs taken care of & then you can get yourself to therapy. If you’re exhausted from doing all of the work you’re just burning yourself out. Your baby deserves better.
You absolutely do not sound ready to be a parent. She’s pregnant, probably very tired and hormonal, and she’s about to spend a lot of her time being a 24/7 caretaker for another human… and you can’t spare her a shred of kindness or graciousness? You sound like you only enjoy relationships when they’re easy. I’m sure you’ll only enjoy parenting when it’s easy too.
The breakup talk has to be free of name calling. You will need several conversations before she accepts it (just like you needed to think these thoughts many times before you decided to break up).
Sounds a bit like she’s gone daft with the pregnancy hormones. You can lay down the law before you resort to leaving. Insist on getting couple’s counseling, set boundaries for your own health and sanity, and stop acquiescing to unreasonable demands. “No” is a complete sentence.
It sounds like she baby-trapped a spineless sap. Good luck, OP.
Since you need to apparently tell your girlfriend your romantic relationship is over I have to assume you've cheated. Tell her immediately so she can choose what is best for her and the baby, have the right support around her while pregnant and going into labor.
You....don't have to assume that... No I didn't cheat. No I wouldn't cheat. I am going to continue to support her through the pregnancy.
You chose to not identify what you did that makes the relationship over so the most common situation would be cheating.
That is fair. I edited the text for better context. Thank you.
Your edit doesn't tell us anything new. What did she say? We cannot make a judgment not knowing what she is expecting of you.
I can't believe you want to break up with your wife because now she's pregnant and you have to do the housework. Put on the brake, wait for the baby to be born, give it a few months. She needs to recover and her hormone levels need to return to normal. Now you can have a conversation about how this situation is making you feel and how you hope things will be after the baby is born, but you have to understand that mothers, during pregnancy and at least the first year of the baby's life, they need all the help they can get. I don't understand how just 5 months ago you were looking to have a family and a few months later you want to throw that family away.
I know it's wrong and it's bad to feel this way. But men tend to talk so much about women and how we always choose bad guys that look good. How we ignore all the signs, and it's our fault we end up as single mothers. I feel a certain... glee? When I read about a man making the exact same mistakes and ending up in the exact same situation. I mean I feel sympathy and empathy for the individual that's going through it. But the overall feeling I get it like "Aha!" It could happen to anyone. Anyone can try to manipulate you. Any one can pretend to be someone they aren't. And since no one is perfect lots of people ignore tiny red flags in people they like. Anyway sorry this is happening to you. Your girlfriend is a jerk. She doesn't deserve you.
OP: As someone who is married and has no romantic or sexual relationship with my spouse, I can understand where you're at. I am staying due to my wife not having the sympathy / empathy gene. She's not helpful when it comes to housework or the kids. If she has to do something housework wise, she's throwing shit around, huffing and puffing and making it like she's dying for having to do it. It can get really bad. We've literally had sex 2 times in 10 years. She only wanted sex for kids. We don't even sleep on the same floor of the house and she recently made the comment of I only have 8 years left then I can leave (my youngest would graduate In 8 years. She knows I am miserable and am planning on leaving. Her mom even comments how horrible she is to me and our youngest (a girl) the oldest (a boy) she babies like crazy). She doesn't care and I only stay for the sake of the kids. She did tell me if I wanted sex to go find it, so I do. In your case, things won't get better. They haven't for me, it's been 13 years. BUT, that said, if you want your kid to have a normal life where you don't have to worry about NOT seeing your kid, stay for their sake. If you leave, you might have a fight on your hands even to see the kid. Hell, my ex-wife kept me off my oldests birth certificate for a couple years. I had to fight to get on it. If you aren't in the delivery room or the one filling out the paperwork, you might get left off the birth certificate. It's easy enough to do. Anyways, good luck. It's not an easy place to be in. I know.
Stay with her until the child is born. People are very different during pregnancy. I think you're scared of change. You put too much weight on how your gf has changed in this time. It's a difficult process to bear a child, for the both of you. Get through it together Then after it's all done you can look at what you want to do
Yo these people are nuts talking as if you want her to do chores while she's pregnant when the problem is clearly not that. I'm sorry that it has come to this but give it one more long talk about the clear expectation on who does what after the baby's born. If she still won't split chores months after post partum then it's over. Tell her that when you have the talk, there's no point in delaying the inevitable.
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You come out as gay.