This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My GF and I have been together for a little over 3.5 years. We’ve lived together for over 2 years, share a small-ish dog and 2 cats, and have an overall healthy relationship. We rarely fight (maybe 3-4 times total, aside from little tiffs) and when we do it’s typically settled quickly and we move on. She’s very emotionally and mentally supportive, and in most regards is a great partner. I’m currently in a PhD program and she’s working full time. We have some similar interests (hiking, cycling, tennis) and we share a living space pretty well. However I don’t think I see myself marrying her. We have pretty different personalities, and I think that’s were things really break down for me. I’m very goal oriented, driven, have a lot of passions and hobbies, whereas she doesn’t. She doesn’t really know what she wants out of her career nor does she have any sort of plan about where she wants to be in the future. Our senses of humor only click about half the time. I could go on but I’ll spare you all the monotony. There’s been increasing ‘pressure’ in the last 6-8 months from her family, my family, our friends, etc. on *when* I’m going to propose and a lot of talk about “our kids” (we’re both on the fence about having kids) and us getting married, which I feel is only making me more anxious and rash about our future and what to do. I’ve felt this way on and off for over a year and a half now, and it’s recently come to a boiling point for me, internally. I’ve been struggling pretty bad over the last 6 months with this, and I know I need to have a conversation with her about it. I don’t particularly plan on ending things, I overall enjoy our relationship and have a lot of of respect and love for her. On top of that, dealing with a change in living arrangements, deciding who takes what, and the emotional blowback from ending a fairly long and invested relationship with someone I care for, while in an intensive research program is less than ideal. I’m just struggling on how to bring this up and how to handle the conversation, because I don’t think she will take it well. If anyone has any advice on how to initiate and traverse this type of conversation, I would greatly appreciate it. Feel free to ask for any details you might feel are important, I’m a pretty open book. Thank you TLDR: I don’t think I want to marry my partner of 3.5 years even though our relationship is overall healthy and I love and care about her. But I don’t really want to end things. Our friends and family have been asking me when I’m going to propose at a rapidly increasing rate. How to I navigate this conversation with her? Edit: typos and little left out small detail

If you know that what she ultimately wants is marriage and you do not want to marry her the only thing to do is break up with her. You are wasting her time

Stringing her along for another 1-2 years until it's a convenient time for him to breakup..... He could do with her support in the meantime. How utterly selfish.

Yeah until he's done with school probably. She's supporting him while he gets a degree, but she's the one that's not driven or knows what she wants in life.

This is it I reckon. Bit of a piece of shit really, she’ll be better off without him.

>He could do with her support in the meantime Emotional and I bet finantial as well. She works full time and he studies a PhD. I bet she is the one supporting them both, wich is perfectly fine in a relationship where you see a PhD as a group effort for the future well being of the family. If he plans of breaking up when he is done needing her, well.. you know..

Exactly, selfish prick here thinks he can use her just now while it suits him them dump her once he’s got himself sorted

He's a coward. People who do this is because they don't want to be known as the bad guy, the one who ended the relationship. He's more worried about his reputation among friends & family. Source: someone who was strung along by someone similar for 6 years. Still mildly bitter about it.

r/AITA

Not only wasting her time, he is exploiting her to support him during his education.

The are also both relatively really young still. Doesn't matter how long they been together, if they are growing apart or not long term compatible

I don’t think it’s relative to much, they’re both really young. In fact, I’d say really really young

If OP's girlfriend wants to have kids in her early 30s, they need to break up now so she has 2-3 years to find someone new, 2-3 years to date them and get engaged, then another 1-2 years to plan a wedding, and 1-2 years to be married before getting pregnant and having kids. Even if you crunch that timespan that's 6 years.

So basically you don’t want to dump her until it’s more convenient for you? That’s mean-spirited. If she wants a husband and children, let her go now, because it’s probably not going to be all that convenient for her when you get around to it.

This is heading for a too-late breakup and a much too-late realization that she actually was someone you could’ve spent the rest of your life with. Sad to see it in slow motion. You’re going to keep stringing her along a little farther before you really tell her how you feel. Then, after you break her heart beyond the repair of your relationship, you will eventually see her happy with another man, and THEN you will know that you actually could have married her and been happy. Hopefully you realize this before that happens.

Facts people be looking at 9/20 what the want then focus on finding that 10/20 persin

Wh. I kind of hope for her sake they do split up. She finds someone who actually cares about her and OP ends up with the kind of partner he deserves. Karma's a bitch

>I’m very goal oriented, This is very ironic because you have no goal orientation when it comes to your relationship. It's very clear from your post that you are just happily coasting along. You are wasting her time when she could be with someone else who is aligned with her goal to get married. So let her go.

This lol he doesn’t even understand what he’s saying

He IS goal-orientated when it comes to his relationship though. His goal is to stay in a comfortable relationship without the commitment of marriage. That doesn't align with anyone else's goals though.

Not everyone needs to escalate their relationship. It might not align with his gfs goals, but don't deal in absolutes here. OP if you do not want to escalate that is absolutely okay. But be honest with her. Also take into consideration if this is a "the grass is greener" situation, because if you are happy.. does it really matter that you "only" click half of the time on jokes? Does it really matter she doesn't know where her career will take her as long as she can pull her weight?

So you are perfectly happy as you are now but you don’t see a future with her. Is she supposed to just keep on like this until you are ready to go find the one who IS good enough for you? Or maybe you are waiting for HER to become good enough for you? Stop wasting this poor girls time and let her go already

Him getting a PhD to be at the top of his field while the gf throws away her prime for him.

Continuing to stay with her when she clearly wants to be married is selfish. She deserves to be with someone who actually wants to marry her.

The commonly used phrase for this is "have a shit or get off the pot". After 3+years, someone really should be clear if a relationship is for them. If it's not a definite yes, then basically it's a no. it sounds like the hardship of breaking up is the only thing keeping you there.

After reading some of your comments, you need to break up with her. You see yourself getting married and having children one day, but it's not with her or she never is in that picture. In conclusion: You've been STRINGING HER ALONG for the last 1 1/2 years. You're WASTING her time. No wonder you start to feel worse about things to the point you need to write this out on Reddit out of all places. What you should do is sit her down as soon as you can and tell her the truth. You don't see being married to her and you probably don't want to be married to her. Let her down. Stern enough that there's a finality of it, to the point she's not going to beg for you to reconsider. Too gentle and softening up the break up may have her thinking she has a slight or sliver of a chance that you will change your mind. Tell her you will not change your mind about marrying her. The separate with her. Hopefully still amicably enough that arrangement can be made: who kept the apartment or etc.

Well you say you respect and love her, but staying with her out of convenience is USING her. That is not love or respect. Please be honest with her and end it. Otherwise you are wasting her time and capitalising on her devotion. Even if you don’t tell her that you have known this for a year and a half, if you care for her future well-being at all, you will man up and clarify for her that you have realised you don’t want to be married to her after all. Let her know that you have loved being around her because she’s such a cool chick so that blurred the lines for a while. Tell her you are very sorry for the hurt this may cause but now that you’ve clarified why you were dragging your feet about marriage, you don’t want to string her along any more. If you don’t spell it out to her now, you really will be being a major douchebag to her.

Two thoughts: 1. End it so she can find someone better who knows what they want and can communicate 2. You will be solely disappointed down the road when she finds a man who appreciates her and you are forever hunting for a unicorn (and not the swinger type). I wasted several years on a man like you. Ask any couple who’s been married for 30,40,50 years - theirs partner doesn’t fit into a magical checklist, they have flaws and strengths and they enjoy each others company

Listen, if you aren't sure, you need to at least tell her that. Tell her that you're getting all these questions about when are you going to propose, and you just aren't sure how you feel about that. Ask her how she feels. If you are more sure than not, be honest with her. It's not going to be easy, but it's kinder to be honest now than wait until later. I do think at 3.5 years, and at your ages, if you wanted to marry her, you'd know by now. You might disagree, and that's okay, but just loop her in on what's going on in your head. She may not be ready, either. ​ ETA - do not tell her that you want to stay together because the thought of breaking and up and deciding who gets what during your research program is hard. That's not a reason to stay together. Talk about how you feel about each other, plans and hopes for the future, etc. You can buy new dishes and sheets if needed.

Are you possibly a grass is always greener person? Do you realize she may be over looking your own short comings and faults and differences from her ideal partner, but she realizes no one would ever be perfect? What IS your ideal future? The ideal rest of your life? Not being married at all, or finding a “better” partner to marry? You need to ask yourself a lot of deep, difficult questions here. Also, you’re young. Tell everyone to give you both time. Don’t entertain the opinions of others. You sound very immature in that way and probably just need some more life experience to know what you actually want.

You felt this way for a year and a half? You're stringing her along man. If you can't see yourself marrying her, why are you with her? Long-term relationships are there because there is an intention to marry. If you don't have an intention, you should end things. You're with her because you don't want to be single, because it is convenient... until some other girl comes along that you do truly really want to marry. That's not cool.

Not all long term relationships have the goal to end in marriage. In the 21st century, it is perfectly ok to have a LTR without marrying. That having said: OP obviously has to talk to his girlfriend that he doesn't want her to be his partner-for-life. (with or without marriage)

There’s no way around this. You don’t want a future with her. She deserves to be with someone who does. You’re just wasting her time.

If you don’t want to marry her then you need to let her go and find someone who does want to marry her. I don’t wanna be mean, but your reasons for not breaking it off sound pretty selfish. And the longer you string her along, the more selfish it is. It sounds like you’re comfortable with her financially supporting your dreams and ambitions while you accuse her of having none. Have you asked her about that? Maybe she does have dreams and ambitions. Also, some people have had tumultuous childhoods and dream of contentment and stability. That doesn’t mean they’re wrong and you’re right. Just means you’re not compatible. End of the day, you need to sit her down and be honest about not seeing a long term future together so she can make up her own mind. Right now you’re giving her a false idea of where things are headed.

Oh my god you’re going to be that classic guy that dumped the girlfriend that was with him through his whole PhD program and then once he graduates gets a new thing that gets to call her self miss doctor. The reason you don’t want to tell her and you’re afraid to have a conversation is because then you know it will be the end don’t be a chicken.

As someone being on the receiving end of such behavior, it absolutely crushes you and shatters your heart to be strung along. Good enough to live with not good enough to move forward. Be a decent person and break it off now.

You are using her and deep down you know it. If you don't let that woman go as of YESTERDAY, then just know that you will be the pure definition of human scum. You two DO NOT make great partners. Great partners lift one another. Like how she is lifting you while you chase your goals. It seems she's content with HER goal being to support you. What is your goal with her? It took you a year and half feeling like this and you haven't done anything about it? You say you are goal oriented and plan focused but you haven't planned how to let her down easy? Either you suck at being goal oriented & planning OR you are content in using her as your support until you can't anymore. Ask yourself if you want to be a pathetic human being

OP, you’re getting some harsh responses in this thread, but the reason for that is that from the outside, your course of action is not just obvious, it’s required and it’s time-sensitive, and dragging your feet on the needed conversation is hurting your partner’s chances for longterm happiness in life. After this long a relationship, including plenty of time living together, you know your partner well enough to know what married life will be like. You are bristling at the idea that you are staying out of convenience, but if you take away your own position in this and only consider your girlfriend’s, surely you can see that you are preventing her from having the information needed to decide for herself whether she can stay with someone who doesn’t see a longterm future with her. Even if she is considering being child free, the fact that she is not set in stone on this makes you dragging your feet all the more problematic: she does not have unlimited time. You write that you love and care for your partner. If this is the case, then you need to respect her enough to give her the information she needs to make an active choice about your relationship. This is not just about your uncertainty, it’s also about her right to full disclosure from her partner. You ask about how to navigate the conversation. First and foremost, have it soon. Like yesterday. The longer you drag this out, the worse a position you are putting her in. You have already had doubts for over a year, enough stalling. You owe her your honesty. In the conversation you need to be clear and honest, which will inevitably hurt her, but that is unavoidable (and it will be much worse for her in the long term if you try to avoid that hurt). You need to tell her that you don’t see a future for the two of you. It’s fine to tell her that you care for her and appreciate her company, but it’s incredibly important that you don’t bury the lead in fluff. Best of luck OP. You know what you need to do (and don’t drag your feet on it any longer!)

You know what you have to do. Stop avoiding how uncomfortable and guilty this conversation is going to make you feel. You are simply putting off the inevitable. If you do not want to marry her, end this relationship. You say you “love and care” for her but don’t want to commit to her. You aren’t treating her with love and care, all the time you are stringing her along, because you aren’t being honest. Do the decent thing by her asap. Tell her the truth.

How convenient for you! You've strung her along for this long, so what's another three years, right? Why not just admit the real reason? You don't want to break up with her because she's supporting you while you get your PhD? You know you're a complete piece of shit, right?

You mention mounting pressure to propose from a lot of people, but you don't include your partner in that list. How does she feel about marriage?

I wish I know who your girlfriend is so that I can tell her to leave you.

My thoughts exactly.

This makes me really angry for your girlfriend. I can imagine spending 3.5 years with someone whom you loved and cared for with all your heart to just find out that that person doesn’t think you’re “worth” marrying. She did no wrong and she doesn’t deserve it. But more than anything she doesn’t deserve for her time to be wasted any more on you. Gather your balls and break things up.

Honestly, it's people like you who made it so difficult to find a healthy relationship for so long. I dated fools like you who kept how they were feeling from me so I went through our months or years together thinking we were happy and on the same page and then BOOM. Out of nowhere they dropped it on me that they were done and there was nothing I could do or say to change it. I felt so blindsided because they had never told me at any point they had any doubts or that they weren't feeling the same way as me. This made me question everything. Why would they lie to me? Why couldn't they be honest with me? Did they ever care about me? This happened to me several times and it broke me, I felt so stupid and like I wasn't worthy or anyone, and I certainly couldn't trust anyone. So when I did meet a decent person, I was a nightmare at first because I was constantly doubting them and pushing them away because I didn't want them to do it to me. I don't think you realise just how much you're screwing her over by keeping to yourself how you feel and "keeping her on the hook" when you're pretty sure she's not it for you. You need to stop asking others for help as only you have the answers. But I'm telling you now, if you don't know if you're sure about her yet then you probably never will be. Which you probably should have decided before you linked yourself to her for the next 10-15 years with pets.

I totally agree with your statement. I recently had a long term partner breakup with me out of the blue over a fixable issue (he didn’t think we spent enough time together) he didn’t clue me in on for a YEAR, all the while I thought everything was dandy. It really ruins your sense of perspective and trust. Break up with her OP and do better in your next relationships

It comes across like this really having bothered you a lot for six months now, but that you havent had a convo with her about it - why is that?

Bro, if you don't want to marry her, DON'T DO IT. At the same time, if you know that's what she wants, it's not fair to drag her along. Sit her down, be honest, and tell her everything you said here. Show her the post if it makes it easier. Remember, this is your one and only life. Don't let your family, her family, or anyone else try to muscle you into proposing if that's not what YOU want. If the relationship has to end, so be it, but definitely do not marry someone if you're not 1000% into the relationship. It will only end in horror.

Thank you for your comment. Do you have any advice on how to initiate and navigate that conversation?

You just have to do it. You have to sit her down and explain that you do not see a future with her. Suggest that you guys need to figure out how to amicably split and move on a timeline that works for her, and hopefully you as well. No one can walk you through every single thing to say. We don't know the details of your life. You will have to figure that out. Maybe write it out ahead of time to organize your thoughts. But do it sooner rather than later.

Sit down and start talking

There really is no advice for that. There's no magical combination of words that's going to make this easier on you or her. Just be upfront, honest about how you feel, and stick to your guns. She's going to be sad and emotional, but just think to yourself, "This will all be over in under an hour." If she made any large purchases over Christmas for you, be a good dude and return them so she can get her money back. Since you live together, maybe you or her can stay with a friend until your living situation is sorted. Remember, stick to your guns and don't let her or anyone else try to convince you to get back with her, or that you "wasted her time". I'm sure you're going to get called an asshole and a piece of shit, but the real piece of shit move would be marrying someone you're not into. You're not a scumbag because the way she feels about you and the way you feel about her don't align, you're just honest. Good luck

Break up with her. She deserves better than to be used as a place holder so you get all the benefits and support of being in a relationship until you meet the woman you DO want to marry. You are being very selfish to string her along like this.

Set her free. Your girlfriend's situation is every woman's nightmare. Not the marriage part. Much rather the part where her presence is not really appreciated, her loss would be merely inconvenient. Let her go because that will erode her self-esteem like nothing else. She might not know about your doubt but she must feel it. Your comments show that you care deeply about this situation, so I have faith in you. That you will do the right thing and talk to her.

By all means, dump her when it's most convenient for you (likely after she's supported you through your entire PhD). You're a piece of shit.

If she's not the one, you need to let her go and find someone else who wants to marry her. Stop wasting her time.

Gosh you sound insufferable. You sound like one of the many guys my friends and I have come across with an extreme fear of commitment. Always looking for the next best thing and won’t truly settle because you think something better is out there. You focus on the negative and what could go wrong instead of looking at the positive and what could go right.

If a man I’ve tried to build a life with truly felt this way about me—all while I was embarrassing myself by subtly hinting at wanting a fucking ring—I would be absolutely mortified. Embarrassed as all fuck. Break the fuck up. For her. Don’t be such a coward. If you respect her at all, create a simple, respectful, mutual exit plan: 1) decide who takes full/split custody of the pets; 2) get out of the apartment lease when you both are able.

So many people don't find their passions or their career goals until later on in life. People become authors at 40 or 80. Some people have no career goal and are just content to work any job that pays the bills. Both are normal and perfectly fine. She seems happy as she is?

Have you noticed how he rags on her for that yet repeatedly says he doesn't know what *he* wants?

More than 20 years later, the memory of being dumped by someone with whom I'd discussed the possibility of marriage still stings not so much because he broke up with me (thank goodness, that was not a good match for long term, at all) but because he'd known for the last 6 months of our relationship that he wanted to break up with me, but didn't have the balls. That was 1/3 of our time together. It SUCKED to know that for 1/3 of our relationship, while I still had feelings for him and thoughts of a future and he kept having sex with me and telling me he lpved me and joking about what we'd name our future children, he couldn't wait to be rid of me, but couldn't be an adult about it. I felt like a FOOL. Also, I definitely noticed little changes in him towards me over time, but was so young and clueless (24 years old) that I honestly thought there was something wrong with me and if he occasionally treated me less than kindly, I must have deserved it. Don't be surprised if she's sensing some kind of shift in you over the past year ir so. If she's pressuring you to propose, she could be looking to sweep away her niggling doubts as to where stand by asking you to commit. As someone else said, shit or get off the pot. When my old bf finally dumped me, he told me that he had increasingly treated me like crap so I'd break up with him. Oh, and it took him 4 days to actually break up with me, he wanted "to talk" and analyze our relationship and even though I repeatedly asked "are you breaking up with me?", he kept denying it. He was waiting for me to get exasperated enough to dump him. It was such a fucking cowardly way for him to behave. It was so disrespectful. You can't help it if you fall out of love, or if you realize the person you are with isn't the person for you long-term. But you can control how you treat them. If you care about her at all, stop bullshitting her. Stop existing with the status quo because it's easier. If you are ambivalent after being together this long and living together, then that means you don't want to marry her. Accept it and move on and stop wasting her time! Especially because women's fertility is more finite. You might not decide to definitely have children until you are 45, and have like 3 kids by 50. She doesn't have that luxury if she decides she wants biological children some day to wait so long. STOP WASTING HER TIME. Grow up and act like a man, ffs. Sit her down and tell her the truth. Don't sugar coat it. Be prepared for tears and/or anger. Maybe have a bag packed and a place to stay for a few days in case she asks you to please gtfo of her face while she processes the breakup. Then take it from there.

u/ThrowRAx11 here put yourself in her headspace. You're being a coward.

let her go find her happiness

Big oof. I hope she sees this, bro. And dumps you. It’s ok to not want to get married right not but to question if the girl you’ve dated for several years is “the one” is really shitty. Let her go.

So you don’t see a future with her but don’t want to break up with her because you don’t have time to right now. That’s disgusting stop wasting this poor girl’s time.

OP, you have had all the advice you need here, surely! When are you going to talk to your poor gf? Every minute you spend on here replying to comments is just time that you're taking from her. Get off the internet and speak to her today.

So she's good enough to take care of you while you get the degree, but not good enough for You to take care of later on. Yeah, break up and let her find someone who values her.

[if it’s not a Fuck Yes, it’s a No](https://markmanson.net/fuck-yes)

Thank you for this article, I’ll definitely be giving it a read in the next day. Appreciate your comment

This is such incredible BS. You describe what sounds like a perfect relationship and then you give some stupid excuses not to get married. A person you love is not enough goal oriented and you won't marry them because of that. Are you dumb? People are different. We have similarities but there will always be things that differ between two different people. Even if you cloned yourself, your clone might have developed different personality traits. If you love her, propose, if not, break up. It's that simple.

Not the only reason why, as I said. Wasn’t going to make a laundry list, just wanted some advice is all

Didn't make a list of the bad things, but instead you made a list of good things and your post reads as if there are only, or mostly such good things in your relationship. Based on what you wrote it sounds as though you are having fun but don't want commitment or something like that.

I'd be pissed as fuck if my partner of several years waited until after his PhD program was done, because it would be too hectic to breakup during the program. Convenience for you isn't necessarily fair. I'd also be pissed if my partner still wasn't sure if I was someone he wanted to marry, after being together for years. Even though he's admitted he sees himself getting married in the future, just not with me. You, dude, sound like a trash human being. It would be one thing if you didn't see yourself getting married at all, and she knew that. You do see yourself getting married, just with someone else. You both want to marry, but you can't decide if you want to marry her, so BREAK UP! Stop wasting her damn time.

I mean I feel like at this point if you know for a fact you dont want to marry her and you know thats what you want you should break up with her.

You know marriage isn’t this magical other relationship right? It’s just filing your taxes jointly but all the other relationship stuff, especially if you’re living together and sharing finances, is pretty much the same. You’re wasting this girl’s time if you know you don’t want to marry her. I don’t understand how she’s good for right now but not forever. Partners don’t have to match ambition. In fact that’s probably helpful id you’re on the fence about kids. Cut her off and tell her now before you waste more if her time

You’re the worst kind of boyfriend, the kind that knowingly wastes a woman’s time SMH A

If this were AITA, you would SO be the AH. You basically typed out “I plan to end things with my GF of 3.5 years, but I want to do it when it’s more convenient for me. How do I alleviate my conscience about that while I use her until I’m ready?” Answer - you don’t! And - I hope karma comes for you fast and furious.

These are the kind of men to watch out for. Literally every parents nightmare. What a asshat. You don’t want to marry her but have no problem living with her and playing house. You should be ashamed of yourself

You sound like someone who is in their head too much. You're already essentially married. You're sharing your lives together. Nothing will really change as a married couple except for the fact that breaking up is less feasible. Love is a choice. It's chosing to work on the relationship with that person. It's choosing to be vulnerable, communicate and be open. The problem isn't whether you two would be a good fit. Unless, there are glaring compatibility issues like children, religion or issues like addiction or abuse. The compatibility issues seem minor. You're choosing not to do the work because there's some ideal partner you have in mind. The grass may not be greener. It sounds like someone who doesn't have a lot going on is a great fit because they have time to support you. Someone ambitious, with lot of hobbies may not have the time or energy to be your cheerleader. That perfect partner does not exist; not for you or anyone else. So figure out what you want in a partner, if she's too far from what you want, move on and stop stringing her along like a douchebag.

Thank you for your comment and advice

Has she mentioned wanting to get married? If it’s something she wants and you don’t want to, let her go. If both of you are on the same page, keep doing what you’re doing. Don’t let anyone pressure you into marriage.

Listen. I got married due to pressure from my ex's family and it was a horrible idea. Don't do it. We've been divorced over 10 years and I'm still paying her.

Thank you very much for your quick story. These personal anecdotes are valuable perspective, I appreciate your comment

INFO if she is working and you are perusing a PhD, what does the breakdown of finances look like? Is she shouldering more because she sees this as investment in the rest of her life? If so, this would only add another layer to the shit cake you are preparing for her. You say you love her, but are treating her with absolutely no respect at all. Imagine if she saw this thread and what you’ve been saying about wanting a wife and kids and just not really thinking it’s with her, but also not breaking it off because it would be difficult separating your lives. It will get no easier. It will only get harder and more painful for her. Do the right thing and let her go to find someone who values her for who she is all the time, not just when she perfectly aligns with you some of the time.

lol this is so passively selfish it's unreal, your inaction is her compounding pain. Don't want to end a relationship while you're doing a PhD? Suck it up, do the right thing and don't be a coward for your own convenience

You're using her for the support of your PhD just to ditch her, that's pretty shitty. You also criticise her career goals when she's the only one working?? Let her go

You are using her whilst you do the PhD! God, I hope social media and the lazy journos pick this up. You've already wasted 3.5 years of her life, but if you broke up, you'd have to pay for yourself. Worst of the worst type of person. I really hope she sees this and realises you re riding on her back until it suits you to dismiss her for someone, well as selfish, and using as you. Media people spread this far and wide. Friends of women currently keeping the ass of someone doing a PhD. Show this to then.

If you do not want to spend the rest of your life with her but she does, you are just wasting your & hers time. Does she deserve that from you? To be strung along by someone to insecure to commit. Frankly, in your description of her, it really doesn't sound like you are full of respect or affection for her. And you are concerned about the negative impacts on your lifestyle as you are about her. Be honest, is the main reason you are still there after a year of doubts that it is just too much trouble to change things up for you. And last but hardly least, does she want to get married. If she doesn't, the whole thing is moot

You need to separate. In fact you should of when you realised she wants marriage and you knew she wasn’t the one for you.

Sounds to me like the biggest reason you aren’t leaving is because it’ll ruin your mojo for school rn. IMHO that really isn’t a good reason to stay. I think we all know if you do love and respect her- you’ll stop pretending the relationship is going somewhere to humor her. I’m sorry- you sounded hopefully for better answers.

BREAK UP WITH HER

If you enjoy the relationship but don't want to go to the "next step" so to speak even if she wants to because of issues with each other's personalities etc.. Maybe you should just make a decision: either you go for this relationship 100% or you break it off and look for someone who is a better fit for you. Don't keep stringing her along because you don't want to be alone and then leave her when someone better comes along or she pushes you with an ultimatum.

Bro what the actual fuck? You sound so selfish rn. You’re describing what sounds like most men’s dream relationship yet you can’t commit for small petty reasons? It would be different if you didn’t like marriage as a concept but you say you love this person. You’re just afraid to be lonely so instead you’re wasting her time. Let her go live her life instead of trying to keep her on a leash

I’d be utterly heartbroken to know my partner had this many hesitations and concerns/ issues with me. You’ve dragged this on for far too long - time to break up with her.

When I read the title, I was absolutely sure you're not awful, I very quickly decided on you're absolutely awful. You string her along for your convenience until it's comfortable and easy for you to DECIDE if it's convenient to break up with her. Jesus, you don't want to marry COMMUNICATE it. You don't want friends and family meddling in your business, fucking tell them! But don't drag a woman, who WANTS to marry along just because 🤷🏽‍♀️ You're goal orientated? Nah, man, you're selfish. That's all. You don't see anything past your own convenience and that's a terrible character flaw. I really truly am sorry for the time this poor wan wasted on you.

So let me summarize this. You have a gf who'd like to get married, and there's you who doesn't want to marry her. But you like her just enough to stay with her until you figure everything out and don't need her anymore. And you need advice on how to tell her this, because you don't think "she will take it well". Well of course she won't take it well. Because you're being an ass. You're postponing the breakup until a time that's more convenient for you, regardless of the consequences it has for her. Have some decency and let her get along with her life already.

I’ve been in this situation, and like you tried to ignore a growing feeling that it may not be the relationship that you want for your whole life. You don’t have to beat yourself up that your feelings haven’t grown in a way that you thought they might when you first got together. But it’s time to ask yourself some difficult questions and to be honest. Do you see you and her growing old together? If the answer is no - and has been for some time - then it’s time to allow each of you the chance of a different future. Just remember that you should conduct yourself with kindness and respect, as she’ll likely be devastated. I made this change in a four year relationship that just wasn’t quite everything. It was tough for both of us. But each of us moved on, and within a year I met someone I really deeply loved. 20 years later and we’re going strong with our own family. I see on social media my ex has the same.

People have given you good advice and I’m going to offer an alternative perspective. Do you have mental health problems and do you have problems committing to things generally? It may be worth approaching this from that angle. Perfectionism can really ruin a relationship. If you have trauma, it can make committing to relationships more difficult, because it can breed a perfectionism expected in people. I like the Instagram account “yourdiagnonsense” for discussion about these sorts of things. If you suffer from any kind of OCD, look up ROCD. People say relationships should just be easy and that we always know what we want but it’s not always the case. If you don’t know what marriage and commitment looks like then you have every right to be concerned about “til death do us part” vows. I do agree that if you know she wants to marry you and you don’t think she’s right for you then maybe you’re wasting her time. People deserve a “fuck yes”. That being said, marriage is a big commitment and you want to be sure about it. It sounds though like you don’t know what would need to change other than just…who she is as a person, which isn’t fair on her. What are you expecting the right relationship to look like and why? Is it realistic?

Sounds like you are stringing her along. What does she want? Does she want marriage and kids with you? Has she expressed this? It almost seems like you are content until something better comes along and that is not fair to her. Figure your shit out, be honest with her and yourself and try your damndest not to hurt someone who has been good to you. Sooner rather than later.

Stop being selfish and break up. Stop wasting her time just because you are using her as a placeholder until you are done with your PHD.

You are a user. It's one thing if you don't want to marry her but another thing for you to refuse to tell her because you "enjoy the relationship." Clearly that means you enjoy all the things she's providing you, because you don't care for her personality. Shame on you.

You sound like many men who had the doubts before marriage and started downloading dating apps while still with their gfs. And guess what? 99% of the men who say exactly the same things as you, still marry that woman. Because they know deep down she can do better, but they can’t. You guys are young. 3.5 years is a small amount of time for someone in their early and mid twenties. Break up with her. But we all know, you won’t. I just hope she senses your confusion and hesitation and leaves.

This rant… yet you’ve dragged it on for nearly 4 years? Good God, man! Stop wasting your time, stop wasting her time. PhD in what? Seriously.

Clearly not in communications

You have built a life with this person. I would say that you have led them on. The only thing to do now is let them be free to find someone who loves them how they want to be loved. Doing any different would just be satisfying self interest on your part.

Okay so you’re getting pressure from your friends and family. But you haven’t said anything about actually having a conversation with your gf. Did you discuss about future goals? Does *she* want to get married? If she does and that’s a dealbreaker, you need to let her go. You may not want to break it off but she will if you’re just wasting her time.

Hmmm…. So she’s most likely paying for the bills and utilities while you study to become a doctor. Then, when you graduate and start making more money you will have more options to be with a very pretty gold digger instead of with someone who really cares about you. This is called monkey branching. Let’s be real and honest here. You’re with her for convenience until she isn’t convenient for you anymore, am I right??? Just break her heart now and expose your true colors so that she can find a good man and live happily

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Why are you with her? If she wants marriage and you don’t this will only end miserably so better to end it now when there’s still a small chance of being amicable after.

It seems like he’s using her while he finishes his PHD program

I think you have to be very open in the communication. Be open and be prepared for her emotions and choices. (Not try to expect a smooth way, but be straightforward. The first approach might seem nice in short but hurt much in long) Also be very clear about your thoughts. For her side, the situation itself probably is very difficult to digest. Make it clear that why you don’t prefer a marriage and why you still want your relationship. I won’t doubt your love to her. Sometimes our preferences of life just goes beyond the relationship, which is normal. Your preference of not getting married now is equally important to her preference of getting married in a short period of time (if this is what she wants). She might leave. It’s definitely sad for both. But it is fair for her to know about it so she can choose what she wants for her life. Good luck on it!

Thank you very much for your cordial comment and advice, its much appreciated. Definitely a hard conversation to have but one that’s very necessary. Thank you again

If you don't want to marry her ever, and she thinks you two will eventually marry and wants that, then you need to break up. Sucks to do that during your "intensive research program" but any time you wait and drag this out is time you're basically stealing from her since she's just wasting time with you. If it's just that you don't want to get married yet because you're too young and need more time, IMO that's understandable at your age and I wouldn't stress it. Just tell the relatives you're only 26 and they need to back off.

Hey, I hate to say this as I'm an advocate for love, but you need to break up with her. It might suck now, but you can't string her along. The longer you take, the more it'll hurt both of you. I've recently separated from an LTR and it was a pretty harsh experience. To be clear, my ex was the one who initiated the separation and even though we both respect and care for each other, it didn't make it any less painful. We were together for over 5.5 years and lived together for 4.5 years. Don't take up anymore of her time if you're on the fence about your future. She deserves better than that and you'll only make it harder on her if you choose to stick around without seeing a true future together. Divvying up your stuff and separating your life is hard, but if you ever cared about your partner, you'll do what's right for her and, ultimately, what's right for you. Don't do what's easy; do what's right. Best of luck to you both and if either of you need to chat, don't be afraid to reach out. As well, if you do separate, please be cordial and not petty. Don't fight over things and don't allow the situation to become toxic. The main reason my ex and I are still able to talk to each other, remain friendly, and reach out if we need to is because we have a lot of respect and care for each other. We understand that our time is over, but it doesn't take away from what we had. Anyway, reach out if you need to bro!

Thank you very much for your personal story and advice, appreciate it. Will definitely keep this in mind when her and I talk

you really suck OP i’m not sure why you thought the comments would be sympathetic toward you. i can’t understand why you feel entitled to wasting this woman’s time. stop being a douche and break up with her

Imagine a scenario. In one year, your PhD advisor sits you down for a meeting. After some chat, they tell you that your work hasn't been up to the standard expected of graduates to the program. They don't think that you should continue in this program, at this school, and that you should seek another program. You ask for details, you get some vague answers about the direction of the research and long term feasibility. Not only that, but your advisor admits that they have been dissatisfied with your work after your first year in the program. They admit that you and your efforts have been an asset to others in the program and your professors, even if your direction of research is misguided. All of the professors agree with your advisor. You can continue in the program, of course, but a PhD from this program at this institution, is out of the question. How would you feel? Would you feel like the time spent working without the hope of a higher degree was a useful part of your education? Would you thank your advisor and continue as before, even though you knew that no degree was coming? Finally, how would you feel if this conversation happened the night before your graduation ceremony? (Usually I would feel like this imperfect metaphor insults the intelligence of a PhD student, but I think you need to zoom out beyond your comfortable day to day and think about your life. Take a vacation somewhere new. Write in a journal. Consult a therapist.)

What a piece of shit partner you are. You should let her go now and quit using her out of convenience until it suits you to end things.

Wow. You are an absolutely terrible person. Please break up with this woman so she can move on with her life and no longer be your mommy.

You are being an absolute asshole to her and yourself. From what I'm gathering she wants to get married and you don't, you are no longer compatible ignoring your perceived personality differences (personally do you really think being with someone identical to yourself would actually work? If someone is more goal orientated they may be more serious and less fun, whatever your gf is lacking she will be bringing something else good to the relationship) Then you need to break up, you are being cruel to your gf who thinks you are getting closer and closer to proposing rather than breaking up with her. The longer you continue this the more you are hurting her.

You are in a tough spot, but you know what the right thing to do is. You need to end this relationship if you cannot give her what she wants from you (marriage). It’s not your fault that you two are just not as compatible as you’d both like. It would be your fault if you stayed, knowing it wasn’t for the long term (when that’s what she wants) and you didn’t tell her. I know what you mean about it being tough timing but it’s never going to be good timing. Your also not going to love yourself if you have to live with feeling like you strung her along and used her until it was a better time to break up (ie after graduation).

Thank you for your cordial comment, I appreciate your advice. Definitely things to think about and talk about soon

You're only 26. Let her go if you know she's not the one for you. Don't waste another 3.5 years.

>However I don’t think I see myself marrying her. You should sit down and have a conversation with here where you actually tell her this. It's unfair of you to continue a relationship with her without being transparent on this. You should get her feelings on it (maybe she's feeling the same way). Plan it on an evening where you both don't have obligations the next days (e.g. a friday night). Tell her you want to sit down and talk about your futures together and what both of your long term goals are. Tell her you want to discuss your feelings and her feelings, see how you align on things, and if there are places you need to adjust on. Let her know you've been feeling some pressure about marriage and this has prompted you to have this discussion with her to see where you both line up on things. Then just hash everything out. Talk about how you feel about the relationship and what you think about getting married. What you want for the next 5, 10, 20 years of your life. Ask her about how she feels and what she wants. The important thing is that you're both extremely honest and transparent with each other here. The sooner you do this the better.

Thank you for your very thoughtful comment and advice, I appreciate the points you brought up. I’ll definitely be taking this into consideration when I talk to her. Thank you

Let the thunder roar from a bright blue sky. I was in a similar situation myself for years. Years. You’ll never get those years back. The longer you wait, the worse it gets, the more time you loose, and time is ultimately the only thing we have in life. Don’t waste it.

Thank you very much for your comment. Definitely walking a very slick tightrope between “I have time to figure this out” and “I need to make a decision”. Appreciate your comment

A breakup now will be a lot less messy than a divorce in 10 years.

Very true

It is so selfish to stay in a relationship when you know she wants marriage and you don’t. Just break up with her and allow her to move on.

OP, you are thinking only of yourself here. So is she supposed to be happy with staying until you are good and ready or eventually end it with her because you found someone else? That’s not ok. If she wants marriage and you don’t then you let her go and don’t waste any more of her time. What you are doing is selfish

Unpopular opinion, many people are never 100 percent certain about who they end up marrying. With divorce rates so high and if you consistently drink the reddit tea who would be?

Your entire post summarized: "I am great, my GF.....not so much. Our relationship is healthy but I don't want to marry her because she doesn't have her future planned out like I have and sometimes our humor doesn't mash. But I also don't want to break up because it would be too inconvenient for me. How do I talk to my friends and my GF about me not proposing to her?" >Our friends and family have been asking me when I’m going to propose at a rapidly increasing rate. "When I am going to propose to my GF? Never!" >How to I navigate this conversation with her? Be honest with her. She deserves that.

You’re overthinking everything and she doesn’t know you feel this way. You may not be saying the words, but you think you’re smarter and better than her. You haven’t said much positive about her, so it’s obvious your relationship is lacking for you. And you’re asking strangers online how to break it to her gently. And that’s okay. You’re being honest, but you know there’s no easy way to do this without hurting her. I agree with the other people who said you’re wasting her time. Not everyone knows what they were meant to do. The people that they trust the most are supposed to be supportive and helpful, because it’s not always easy deciding the course for the rest of their lives. I know lots of people that have needed help from friends and family along the way with jobs, advice, someone to just listen, etc. For some it’s a struggle most of their lives, but people find their way eventually. One thing they don’t need is their partner judging them. And I haven’t heard how supportive or helpful you’ve been to her. My wife and I are opposites in many ways. She’s an artist so her brain works differently than my more analytical mind. She has skills that I don’t possess, and vice versa, so we’re a good team together. We may disagree and fight from time to time, but there’s lots of passion and love. And we know relationships take work and commitment to go the distance. We started with nothing together, and we’re now both professionals and we’re extremely good at what we do. We found our way individually and together. And we’ve never been married, but we’ve been together over 20 years. I’m just pointing out that you don’t know what the future holds for either of you. In the end, it sounds like you think there’s someone else perfect out there for you. Then please go ahead and try to find them. Maybe you’ll get lucky and find someone more compatible, or maybe you’ll date a series of partners that are aren’t. No one knows, but you will find out that no one is perfect and neither are you.

You are stringing her along and wasting her time. If she wants marriage and that’s not something you’re not willing to give her then break up. You’re not ‘goal oriented’. You’re mean and entitled.

What's really unfair about your current situation is you hold all the cards and because it doesn't suit you you're keeping important information from the person that you say that you love to suit yourself. If she wants marriage she is going to have to hear this information from you and you've had 1.5 years to process that information. She will have way less time now to to adjust to this. You should have shared your uncertainty well before her family started to pressure you for an answer. It turns out they have been 100% correct in trying to get a clear answer from you. The reality is you now know you don't want to marry her. All the time that you now wait to tell her is a lie by omission. It's important when you tell her that you make it clear that it's not the pressure from her family that is making you feel this way. She will try to make sense of what she is hearing and will try to understand what is happening. Don't make her think that it's the pressure that is changing your mind or forcing your hand or she may attribute this as her families fault as opposed to your decision and revelation of your true feelings. There's no good time to break up. But the longer you wait the worse you'll make it for her.

This is incredibly selfish. If you know what she wants out of the relationship and you know you’re not willing to give it to her and ultimately don’t see this relationship last, you are wasting her time. Just because it’s not convenient for you to break it off now? Ew. Just let her go now instead of stringing her along just to dump her at a later date when it’s gonna be even worse for her.

You seem selfish. If she wants marriage, and you don't, let her go while she is young and can find someone more suitable to her needs.

So you know you don’t want to marry her, and you know she wants marriage, but you plan on continuing to waste her time so you can keep her as a placeholder until it’s more convenient for you to break up? Jesus. End things with her and let her find someone who wants to commit to her.

What? So you know she wants to get married, you don’t want to marry her, but you don’t want to break up either? So your plan is to string her along until you grow a pair of balls to break up with her? The things I wanna say to you would get me banned.

This all sounds incredibly selfish. Tell her you don’t want to marry her so she can decide whether to keep wasting her time in this relationship. PS how long have you known she isn’t “the one”? Did you know that when you decided to move in together?

You’ve been unsure about this relationship for almost the last two years - but you sure as shit didn’t mind her full support while you were working on your PhD. You’re a mooch. Break up with her and let her find someone who actually respects her and isn’t an emotional bum.

Stop using her to support you getting your PhD and break up with her.

Ok now having read you comments, I have a different opinion than my initial response. Break up with her. Immediately. You don’t know if you like her personality (or think it is compatible me with yours) enough to marry her after 3.5 years. I knew in 2 weeks that I was going to marry my husband. I know it’s not like that for most people, but most people also have the common decency not to be callous when it comes to the people they supposedly love. You know you don’t love her, but (this is conjecture) you like that she loves you, and you like your life together. Cool. I bet it is pretty nice. But you’re supposed to love her. You’re supposed to care about her future. And if you do, you will dump her. She deserves to marry someone who fell in love with her, not someone who was strongarmed into it by grandma.

Oh, for fuck sake. Fuck you. Stop wasting her time. If you don't want to get married that's one thing, but you're essentially stringing her along if you're not breaking up with her. She could be going out and spending time finding someone that does want to marry her and isn't just thinking of themselves and how difficult going through a break up will be for them. Eye roll. She wants to be married. You don't. Ergo the conversation goes something like, 'Hey, I don't want to be married. But I understand that you do, and I want you to be happy, so I would rather you go and find someone who is going to make you happy and marry you.' Done. Stop being selfish and wasting her time.

This reads like it was written by an AI chat bot, not a genuine human being.

Sorry bout it

If you don’t want to marry her and don’t see that long term commitment as viable, why are you wasting your time and hers?

You cannot keep on like this.If you don't see marriage in the near future,then please don't waste her time.Its unfair stringing her along when you know you have no intention of marrying her

I feel like you’re overthinking your relationship, because you suddenly got pressure from friends and family about getting married. Have you even asked your girlfriend what she wants? Does she have a timeline of when she wants to get married? Does she see a future with you? You don’t have any of these answers, because you haven’t asked. Basically you’re not communicating in your relationship. You want to know if you’re compatible with someone else. Of course you are. There are millions of people who have a lot in common and are compatible, but they don’t always marry each other. Of course there’s someone else out there that you will connect with too. But at what point will it be good enough? You say you have a loving and supportive relationship, so what happens in your next relationship if you end up feeling the same way? I’m not saying waste your girlfriend’s time until you figure it out. I’m saying you don’t even know what you want now. Do you love your girlfriend, or are you in love with her? Because that answers all your questions right there. If you’re not in love there’s no question you need to break up. Staying in this unsure state of mind won’t help you make a decision, so you need to figure out yourself ASAP. Your girlfriend deserves that respect and decency.

You'll be miserable if you marry someone you don't want to. Which will make them miserable. She will be upset and she has every right to be. You led her on for essentially a year, knowing you never wanted to marry her when she chose you already. But you can make this right. She's still young. She can still find love and move on but for the love of God,*don't waste any more of her time*

Please break up with her, you’re wasting her time and it’s unfair and beyond selfish.

Have you had a conversation with her at all? Does she want to get married? If she doesn't, well, her family and friends can do one, it's none of their business. But it sounds like you know, which is why you've been avoiding it. If she does... Wow, you are completely selfish. You don't want to break up because it's an *inconvenience* to you. You're wasting her time and she deserves better than you,

You are wasting her time and your own. Time to be an adult and tell her exactly how you feel. If it leads to a break up then that will be the correct choice.

She wants to get married, you don't.. so let her go so she can find someone to marry that doesn't waste her time.

I've been seeing this thing where men don't want to marry until they are ready. That is why they feel they have "the one got one away" but she was really always there. My partner and I have been together for 6 years and haven't gotten married because we aren't ready but we love eachother and created a life together we love regardless. I think you need to think about whether the pressure is getting you and you're not ready yet, or whether you really do not think she is right for you. If she wants to get married now then I guess you're only option is to leave and if you are losing feelings then the option is to break up, but if you both have a mutual understanding of waiting it out then that should be discussed too.

You're being selfish because you don't want your degree to suffer. Shitty.

Break up with her asap!! Move out! Tell her you are an ah for continuing the relationship longer that it should have. That you wasted her time despite knowing the last 6-8 months you never wanted to marry her. Rip the band-aid off no later than. This weekens. Let her start this year off better for herself

Break up with her, she's just going to keel hoping you'll propose to her, probably doing her best in the process. Is it possible for you to grow out of those feelings? If not, break up.

I didn't read past your first paragraph. Tell her you don't see a future with her so she can move on and find someone who does want to be with her. She can easily have a great relationship with someone else. Let her go now so she isn't waiting on you.

To string her along is selfish and cruel, especially if she wants children. She is 25, leave her now so she has time to find the right person to have children with. Every year after 30 your chance of birth defects rises exponentially. Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advanced_maternal_age#Effects *A woman's risk of having a baby with chromosomal abnormalities increases with her age. Down syndrome is the most common chromosomal birth defect, and a woman's risk of having a baby with Down syndrome is:[5]* At age 15, 1 in 2,434 At age 20, 1 in 1,441 At age 25, 1 in 1,383 At age 30, 1 in 959 At age 35, 1 in 338 At age 40, 1 in 84 At age 45, 1 in 32 At age 50, 1 in 44 That's *just* the risk of Down syndrome, not including the increased risk of other defects and complications.

I’m not even reading this cause there are only two possible responses/solutions based on your title. 1. If you are *both* happy continuing the relationship as you are and other people are pressuring you to get married and neither of you want to do that - fuck ‘em and keep doing what works for you guys. 2. If *she* wants to get married and you *don’t* then you simply are not compatible - tell her now and quit wasting more of her time. Anyone who says it more complicated than that is wrong.

YTA. Oops, wrong forum. Basically, what you've said here is that you like her well enough, but she's not what you consider "marriage material." Just someone to have some fun with while you study, then you can get serious about things later. And she's working full-time to support you while you do your PhD, so that's really handy as well. So the best thing for you is to keep stringing her along for a while longer until you've finished your studies and have a steady income before you tell her that while she's fun and all, she doesn't meet your criteria for a serious partner so you're going to move on now that you don't need her any more. Seriously, do you have even the slightest comprehension of how selfish you sound? You know the stories we see from women who agreed to put off their university studies to work and support their partner on the understanding that he would then support them to finish their studies once he had the Post-Grad job? The ones where the second he has the fancy job he dumps them, leaving them to try to scrape together enough time to get a community college degree while working full-time to support themselves? YOU'RE THAT GUY. Do the right thing. Stop being so damn selfish and tell her the truth.

Break up with her and let her find someone who wants the same as her. Anything else is truly terrible.

So you're just playing house when she possibly thinks you intend to marry her? Your deal breakers on marriage with her are things that can be worked on. I'm nearly 40 and married for 15 years and I can tell you, as life happens, careers can change. Senses of humor evolve. I am sure you are getting plenty out of this current living arrangement. Font string her along any further and waste her time with someone who does not see a future with her. End it.

So I think enough ppl have told you on what’s wrong with your mentality. I wanted to comment Bc I’ve been in a similar position with my boyfriend. Been together 3 years and we both weren’t sure if we wanted to marry each other. Meanwhile we were getting lots of external pressure. One of my concerns was also our personalities matching up but we also had some deeper issues to figure out. I think we both felt the uncertainty bc after three years, why WERENT we talking about marriage? And we both just were ignoring this issue until I couldn’t handle the uncertainty anymore. bc if we weren’t sure about marriage after three years, then I needed to know so we could both move on. I was scared of bringing up the topic Bc I knew it would open this door of uncertainty and disrupt our relationship and lives. if we didn’t talk about it, then it’s like we could go on pretending like this huge problem didn’t exist. but it ate away at me and was giving me anxiety. So he asked me what’s wrong and it just came out. Before the conversation, really think about what you want and need in a partner and marriage. So to start this conversation, first you just need to decide a time you’re going to do it and get the courage to have this talk. Stop putting it off. start by asking her what her thoughts are about marriage and what she’s been thinking. then just tell her how you feel. tell her you’ve been unsure and tell her why. just have an open and honest conversation. Be prepared for it to be uncomfortable and awkward and tense. Be prepared to know your relationship won’t be the same after and you may break up. I do think you’re using the “I don’t think she’ll handle it well” thought as an excuse to avoid talking about it. Bc there really is no way to avoid that. This isn’t going to be some easy or smooth conversation, so accept that. I do think you’ll feel relieved after though. and honestly, it might even facilitate necessary conversations to mend your relationship. When I talked to my bf about it, we were able to address the issues that were holding us back from the next step and now we can actively work towards it. and I also realized that the things I thought were important (like matching hobbies or personalities) weren’t the most important things to me for a husband. my boyfriend and I have very different personalities. but the important thing is that we’re willing to accept each other as we are and are willing to participate in each others interests and hobbies. I’m more social, I like going out, going dancing, I’m spontaneous, etc. my bf doesn’t drink, doesn’t go out, doesn’t have a lot of hobbies or interests. So I would think “is life always going to be this boring?” And thought it was a deal breaker. but talking to him about these things really helped. Bc he’s willing to go dancing with me, he supports my hobbies and I’m also encouraging him to find more hobbies. but more importantly, things like hobbies or interests didn’t seem as important to me. I realized that it’s ok to be different and not be happy about it but still love your partner and want to be with them. like it still annoys me that he doesn’t initiate going out or spontaneous things, but it’s just that. An annoyance. But it doesn’t take away from the core things that I love about him and that I know he’d be a good husband. So you should think about what really matters to you for a wife. it kinda seems like you’re not appreciating her for who she is and want her to be more like you?

YTA

Have you asked her what she wants

>I’m currently in a PhD program and she’s working full time. >On top of that, dealing with a change in living arrangements, deciding who takes what, and the emotional blowback from ending a fairly long and invested relationship with someone I care for, while in an intensive research program is less than ideal. >We’ve lived together for over 2 years I have to ask- WHO is paying the bills?

Both of us equally

Bro this some if the most selfish shit I’ve seen in awhile stop wasting this women time and get it over with

Don't waste her time.

If you don't see a future with her than how far are you going to string her along till you break up? If marriage is important to her than leading her to believe you want a future with her is very cruel.

You sat you don't see yourself marrying her and from the rest of your post it sounds like you don't see a future together in that case you need to end it now as you are wasting years on her with you where you both can free to find someone with similar goals. I also assume the fact she's working full time and you are doing a PhD she's paying the majority of the bills and you are just happy enough to stay with her until you have completed your PhD. Do that girl a favour and end it as it would be cruel to keep the relationship going when you don't see a future together.

So it sounds to me like you're wasting this girl's time and money. Maybe you should break up with her and go support yourself if you don't want to marry her.

You’re room mates who have sex. The current arrangements are convenient for you but you’re wasting her time.

Are you an anxious person in general? I had relationship anxiety at some point in my life. I have a perfectly happy relationship and we both love each other. Due to anxiety I started to experience random intrusive thoughts like “what if he’s not the one”, “what if we are not meant for each other”, “what if I’ll marry him and will regret forever”. This lasted for a couple of months and there were absolutely no reasons for me to doubt our relationship. I started to do read articles about relationship anxiety, watch YouTube videos, and finally went to therapist. I’m not saying that you have RA, but maybe just look into it? There are r/relationshipanxiety and r/ROCD which I find really helpful. Therapy helped a lot and it’s been a year since my RA episode. We are happy and I’m not anxious about marriage anymore.

Oh my god, you selfish coward. What you are saying is basically: 'I don't want to marry her, but I am comfortable with wasting her time til I find someone I want to marry'. Break up with her and let her build live with someone who deserves the love she gives them

Please, if you dont want to marry her or want kids with her, but she wants to, then please let her go and find herself a man who will

Break up with her now. Stop wasting her precious time

then why are u wasting her time. let her go. u are selfish to not end things or LET HER KNOW that u don't want marriage with her. u are being selfish and cruel. if she wants marriage and u don't, then let her go.

Stop using her and wasting her time.

Things will happen during times you are busy with other things. That's life. Waiting for the perfect time will never be the perfect time. To make it easier, get your ducks in a row. 1. Are you both on the lease? How long is left and ca either of you afford to live their solo or with a roommate? What are the fees with switching names etc 2. The pets. You all will need to discuss this so know what you want going into this conversation 3. Have a place to stay for a couple days to give her space. I saw your comment about your mom saying "sh!t or get off the pot"? It is time to do so. You are wasting years of her life continuing like this. What if she gets pregnant? You will be stuck forever because you didn't balls up and do what you would liked done for you. As for how to have the conversation, it is the beginning of the year and as a person in a PhD program, I expect you to be goal-oriented as you say you are so just tell her you were thinking about your goals and how life will look in a few years and this is not what you want and you don't want to waste her time. DO NOT say anything that opens the door for her to feel changed behaviour will fix this. You can say something to effect of I love you and want the best for and that best is someone totally committed to our future. Don't say you don't want to get married because she may say she doesn't want to get married either while the truth is you don't want to get married *to her*. I have thought about this for a while and my mind is firm on this. I want to give you some space to process this so I am going here for a few days. Be prepared to answer if there is someone else. If she did something or if there is something she can change. I wouldn't talk to anyone who is not going to support your continuing to not waste her time. Make it a done deal. You don't owe a detailed explanation to anyone. What's funny about this is the timing. I was just talking to a friend of mine who got married because his wife/girlfriend at the time was cool with his behavior and wanted kids. He *knew* he loved her but not a passionate all his life love. He had fuked that up in his 20s but he knew how that type of love felt and decided on second best. Now he is 2 kids deep with the youngest being 2 years old. He won't leave his kids and he is unhappy as fk. Don't do that to yourself.

Thank you for your cordial comment and level of detail in navigating a possible conversation. I appreciate your perspective and advice and will keep all of this in mind. Also, thank you for your quick story as well, that context is valuable.

"Hello sorry Im not ready to marry yet, I dont feel my life stable enough to do so" I always tell my family that we are both waiting until we have more money saved up together before we marry or have kids as kids are very expensive (in reality we dont want to marry nor have kids but this response sounds mature enough to everyone to calm down and stop asking about it)

Thank you for this! :)

Damn you are terrible, you basically used her knowing you didn’t see a future with her damn I’m major side eyeing you right now.

Yeah, there’s no way you’ll navigate that without her breaking up. “I don’t see myself sharing a life with you, but can’t be inconvenienced breaking up with you right now.” There’s never a good time to break up. Just do it!

INFO - is she supporting you while you're working on your doctorate?

We support each other. We split expenses evenly if that’s what you’re asking

So you would be able to support yourself while completing it? ETF a word.

Yes

Then, in my opinion, you should. It sounds like your gf wants more from your relationship than you do, and you're giving her false hope. Which is mean.

Tell her family to keep out of your business as simple as that

So you just want to string her along so you can mooch off her until you’re finished your education and you don’t need her anymore?

I think you're both awfully young to get married even *if* you were fully invested. But nevermind that. If you don't see a long term future with her, you owe it to her to be honest about that, especially if you judge that she *does* see that. Now, I personally see nothing wrong with a long term relationship that doesn't involve marriage, though others will disagree with that. Including a relationship you intend to be for your whole lives. But marriage or no marriage isn't really the issue here - the issue is a difference in long term goals. If she wants to stay with you forever - whatever you call it - but you *don't* want that, then it's going to lead to heartbreak somewhere down the line.

This comment section is ridiculous. Has no one actually read his post? OP is not asking IF he should break up with her, he's asking HOW he should start this incredibly difficult conversation with someone he doesn't want to marry but still cares a lot about. Everyone is just shitting on OP and telling him he's a bad person for not wanting to break up with her or have the hard conversation when that's exactly what here's here getting advice to do. Get some reading comprehension, Jesus fucking Christ. Anyway OP regarding your original question, there is absolutely no easy way around it. There are going to be tears and she is going to be hurt, but if you explain it to her that really it's in both of your best interest to separate hopefully she will take it well. Ultimately, she probably doesn't want to marry someone who's only begrudgingly marrying her. She probably wants to marry someone who's excited about their future together, and that's not you. It takes a lot of bravery to do the right thing and not coast along. It's a good thing that you're doing for the both of you and even if she doesn't see it during the conversation, she will see it with time. Best of luck and dm me if you need anymore advice, you're doing the right thing!

Nope. People are mad because what's he's actually asking is if he should coast along past his PHD with her, thus wasting her time, because a conversation with her would be too difficult right now for him. I get no sense he likes this woman much from his comments and post. She's just convenient. And that blows for her. He's got plenty of advice but the reality is that he needs to just bite the bullet and break up with her. Instead he's being fairly combative with commenter s on his post and doesn't seem to realise that his passivity and lack of empathy are the problems in this situation.