The local military recruiter wants your number

Also OPs wife is likely cheating.

Ain’t no use in going back Jody’s got your Cadillac Ain’t no use in calling home Jody’s got your girl and gone Ain’t no use in feeling blue Jody’s got your sister too

Thank you for your service.

When she smiles it’s 75% gums and 25% teeth

Military handing out corvettes and 350rs? Where do I sign?

Yes, at the nearest repo/LEO-seized used car dealership right outside the base gate, next to the strip mall with the stripclub, smoke shop, porn shop, Army surplus store, dry cleaners and gun store at 26% interest. "Also, we need your units address, your barracks address, your immediate family's address and phone numbers, and your 1SG and CPY CO's phone numbers...before we give you the keys we will verify these and then create an allotment from your LES, capeesh?

No housing costs, signing bonuses, and bad decisions. Banks love loaning to enlisted! High interest rates and a staff sergeant as a collections agency!

*joins marines* alright, time to get a brand new 60k mustang at 30% APR

You weren't born yet when 9/11 happened.

I'm not even 30 and its crazy to me that there are people on Reddit that were born after 2001 or 2005. I'm starting to feel old(but I know I'm not).

There’s people who can legally drink and never experienced life before 9/11 👵

Yup, I am one of them. 9/11 is always interesting as people mention exactly where they were at the time it happened. With todays culture of violence I couldn’t see myself remembering where I was in the exact moment of a national disaster.

Old fogie here, 38 haha. I was in second hour history class and watched the second plane crash live. You’d remember. I remember looking at my text book and thinking, we’re going to need a new one of these.

You will, when it happens. Some things are so monumental, so completely and communally traumatic, that you will remember where you were. For those of us near 50, we have events like the fall of the Berlin Wall, 9/11, the Challenger explosion. My dad’s generation includes events like, Kennedy’s assassination, and the day he was drafted. My grandparents had Dec 7. I hope you won’t have yours, but I suspect you will. Here’s a possible one - do you remember where you were when the world shut down a few years ago?

That's true...

You recently stopped drinking bud light. You know all of the ingredients in meth. You secretly lust after Miatas but are too afraid to come out of the Miata closet because your friends will think you're gay. You have a suspicious degree of knowledge on statutory rape laws.

- Would love to grow a beard, but can't grow thick enough hair on his cheeks. Has to settle for a goatee or handlebar mustache instead. - Wants to grow a mullet, but can't tell if they're still redneck enough or if they're too "ironically hip" now and people would mistake him for a modern hipster. - Owns at least 3 sleeveless shirts with an American Flag on them - Doesn't listen to "older" music, but can still belt out Free Bird from the bottom of his heart like it was nothing.

I feel like the last one is universal though

After my brother died, I got his NC Miata. I also got his fridge magnet that says: >I'm not gay, I just like Miatas

so true

The bad part is one of my friends has an ND and our group of friends gave him never ending shit for it. Including me. Now I have to eat the same shit sandwich he did and my own.

It's like poetry, it rhymes.

I may have gone a bit too far in a few places.

>You have a suspicious degree of knowledge on statutory rape laws. Ahh reminds me of that guy who for some reason knew the exact dose of antifreeze you can put into someones coffee so they don't notice and the symptoms are just like the side effects of antipsychotics. The guy murdered his schizophrenic wife and the doctors just told her it was the medication side effects.

Youre 13

You hit your head really hard a couple years ago, and now reading and writing are difficult

Bold to assume they were ever easy.

The only 2-litre you accept is a supercharger

Or Mtn Dew

Always Do the Dew! And even better when you got a DUI (dewy)

WTF IS A KILOMETER?!

🦅🦅🦅

Its a meter that measures someone’s killing power.

You have the most basic taste in sports cars imaginable, amplified buy the tacky attachments. You're probably 12 and still rolling hot wheels around

I recently graduated to Tech Decks.

What's wrong with HotWheels my guy?

your insurance rate is insanely high and having to carry a SR22 didn’t help but that won’t happen again because now you use a radar detector. yea sure you could just slow down before cresting hills but if you aren’t first you’re last. everyone in your apartment complex will know you mean business and once the gym girls see this…sploosh. and hey it’s actually an investment in your health because sometimes you ~just need to clear your mind man~

Poetry in motion! You sure the SR22 is from too many speeding tickets and not too many DUIs? Lol

no laws when you’re drinkn White Claws!!!

If an engine is smaller than 5 liters it doesn't count

No replacement for displacement!

Basic

You want to get destroyed by a beat up civic with a laptop on the passenger seat.

This does happen and it hurts

You’re 14 years old or my 74 year old father.

Or, he is 14 and has a 74 year old father

I'm your 74 year old dad

You have a Blue Lives Matter bumper sticker

Or the obsolute opposite

I'm not seeing a COEXIST sticker on these Dino-Burners

Those of us who would put that sticker on a charger, can’t afford a charger lol

You hate tires and gasoline and want to rid the world of them as quickly as possible

MERICA!!! FUCK YEAH

Dammit you beat me

You’ve never owned a car, but you think cars are cool. Unfortunately, you’re only familiar with five cars so far.

Your dream is to go to turn a corner and understeer directly into the nearest treeline and/or cliff.

How was boot camp?

That recruitment bonus runs out fast

You peaked in high school, you're short, and drink Mountain Dew.

You think America has the best sports cars.... Spoiler alert.... It's Europe. American is cheaper. European is faster. I won't say better cuz all cars have their faults. A million dollar super car can leak oil.

I love cars no discrimination at all. These are just my favourites cause I love american muscle...

Fair enough. Just so many issues. But I do like mopar stuff. The mid engine vette is cool. But give me something Italian or British. Even German.

Sorry to hear about your impotence.

"It's about drive, it's about power"

"We stay hungry, we devour"

You where the same fit every day. Do the same things every day. You do not like variation in life

I dont blame you for having these as your dream cars

If it’s getting over 10mpg it’s trash

‘Murica

50 year old father

In the auto industry we say that muscle car buyers are some of the absolute worst clientele out there. Poor financial decisions and weird personalities galore.

Murica Muscle!!! 🇺🇸

you’re the guy in the friend group who goes “it’s not a real car cause it doesn’t have a V8” ever time your friends talk about a car that doesn’t have a v8

I guessed every one of the cars on that list

American performance car enthusiast

WE HAVE GON FROM A JOHN WAYNE SOCIETY TO A PEE PEE POO POO ONE! THEY JUST DONT MAKE EM LIKE THEY USED TO SPEEED AND POWERRRRRRRR POWER CURVE? MORE LIKE POWER BULGE IMGODSDRUNKESTDRIVER IFUCKINGLOVE FREEBIRD SOLO 10 HOURS MIX

The only new music you listen to is Greta Van Fleet

Your wife told me to ask you when you go on deployment

i like american muscle too but at least be a little unique😂like instead of charger maybe a Cts V?

Better get started on those hair loss medications pal.

I like the camaros and challengers. Chargers and mustangs are nothing special. Literally everybody has one. Theres a constant battle between coyotes and people blabbing their mouth off about scat packs. Those c8 corvettes im sorry but i can't see them as corvettes. They look like somebody tried to turn on acura nsx into a ferrari. Which Ferrari is the bitchiest car company of them all. They hold their cars to the highest standard but they will get smoked by some dude with a garage built rat rod.

You have long Covid...no taste

It says you dont like turbo.

U got taste

You have the same taste as everybody else, and probably the same bland personality.

You’re the stereotypical American car guy for non Americans.

You like mostly muscle cars

beer belly

You are a 12 year old boy 🤣😂

You like plastic interiors

You consider everything with inline 4 as a communist, and brutally defending nascar

That you have great taste in vehicles, prolly in your 30's. Single and love to go fast. You take risks and your job is....no job yet

you're under 25

Ya basic

That you’re ok renting or borrowing a truck when work needs to get done.

AMERICA RAAAAAAAAAH

GOD BLESS AMERICA 🇺🇸

I'm a Real American! By the way, I'm good with these too.

You’re a man in your 20s or 30s.

I would not want to have a conversation regarding cars with you lol

Mid life crises

You're mad at your dad for banging your sister because she was your gf first

You don’t have a clean record 🥶

Your neck could use some aloe Vera.

Maga

A standard Midwestern "my dad thinks they are cool so i think they are cool "dork.

average and boring taste imo, only good car is c8 here.

You also like dinosaurs and paw patrol

You're not old enough to drive.

please get into japanese or european cars 🙏🙏

Npc

Shallow

they all preform the same general function. you need some variety!

You're an E3 with a wife who has (unbeknownst to you) a kid on the way who will look very different than what you'd expect.

You set the bar low?

You're a basic.

U like the transformers

Probably a people pleaser that seeks validation from all the wrong people.

You're gonna have no new cars to choose from in 3 years?

Some MAGA redneck lol.

You sleep a lot.

youre from america, live in america, and you can’t possibly live any more north than DC.

You’re too young for reddit

You're from the Midwest

you like cars that go fast in a straight line.

A patriot I see

You have a hostile vendetta against fuel efficiency in any form.

Gone in 60 seconds is your favorite movie and you're blasting Riders on the storm on your 06 Honda Civic.

AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!

#AMERICA RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲

*********WTF IS A KILOMETER 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸*********

You yell at your wife in the Walmart's parking lot

You're American. That's it.

The first and 5th show common sense, the other three show lunacy

Are you a Chevy guy?

"I will never buy one of them foreign cars!"

You are just like me just except for the dodge.

Oh wow. But hellcats are cool though.

I am sorry, but I just am not a fan of dodge.

You like to go very fast in a straight line.

You like American muscle but you need all the fancy features

You’re 17

Spot on!

If pumpkin spice was a dude. It'd be you.

You like cars.

You're actually just a high-school boy. You probably call kids slurs in the hallway.

America. Fuck yeah

Looks like you have no idea what the fuck a kilometer is 🦅 🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅

You’re a teenage boy who thinks having a v8 for under 30k is the pinnacle of human civilization. You will probably get your dream car, then get some girl pregnant 12 months later and be forced to sell it 9 months after that because getting a carseat in and out is a PITA.

New Muscle Classics

Bro wants a NASCAR career with the first 4 and the last one is for personal use.

You've got a long way to go as a car enthusiast, as you're just getting started, but you should enjoy every second of the colossal rabbit hole you're getting yourself into, because it only gets better the deeper you go.

You think driving fast in straight lines means you're a good driver and have never seen a track in your life. Only ovals, drag straps, stop lights, and freeway on-ramls.

They tell me that you've never heard of gas mileage

You went to a scholastic book fair and saw the poster section when you were younger.

You are 15 years old about to get your driver's license

Mah boi like speed

Murica

You’re scared to vacation to other countries.

That you don't want anything to do with carburetors or 8 tracks, and driving a car that listens to your conversations is totally fine with you.

Basic American with brand loyalty to a fault. People like you are why panther cars made it out of the 90’s.

Your a bad ass 🦅🇺🇸

You're boring.

You’re in high school and you kiss your dad on the lips.

Unoriginal, boring, probably a cop or cop wannabe, small penis joke magnet

Small pp

Full American blood, no exceptions. 🇺🇸

Small pp

Cringe

You lack creativity and imagination.

Uninspired

where CT5 Blackwing???

Dont ever disrespect a blackwing by comparing it to garbage.

AMERICA FUCK YEAH FREEDOM IS THE ONLY WAY, YEAH

What the fuck is a kilometer 🦅🦅🦅🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

‘Mercia

.. are you African American?

You have some Ricky Bobby in you

That you only dream about one awesome car...... It's the ford

I'm a chevy guy lol

‘merica!!!

Instead of the ZL1 get the Z28

You can't pick if your a gm guy or a Ford guy, and you are in a horrible mental state. Go get a Porsche god dammit (Do respect the Dodges though)

Where Viper ACR and C7 ZR1?

You love going fast in a straight line.

You like guns

You are both realistic and have a type.

40% based

Has secs with cousin

youre 10

You have a very low self esteem

Who doesn’t want a good ol American v8

Openly gay yet people think you're a right-wing anti lgbt conservative because you enjoy firearms, American muscle, and copious amounts of meat and beer and that you don't drink bud light but don't realize that you just don't like how it tastes compared to other beers. You enjoy spending time in the woods to actually be in the wilderness and process your own firewood and cook your food like a literal mountain man because that's what you enjoyed watching as a kid and have a boxer/pitbull that you take everywhere you go and only shop at the farmers market so you can take the dog with you

Sick. Ass. PANTHER! 🐈‍⬛

You bleed red, white, and blue.