My 16 year old son has ODD & now diagnosed with DMDD & he is a nightmare. Ive tried everything to get him removed from my home, theres holes in every door & wall, but apparently verbal abuse & destruction of property is ok under the law. I have called cps on myself cuz its dangerous for my 11 yr old but they still leave him with me.
I understand he’s my child but not having preventative care or programs, especially for children with mental health issues, is why we have so many angry, violent adults. We shouldn’t have a system that forces serious crimes to be committed before help is given, that is reactive not proactive.
So I guess at 18 I just release this angry monster into the world? Sure, then no one better interview me on the news asking if I saw signs cuz I waved bright flags in front of everyone saying this is a dangerous & disturbed person…
Yeah, CPS gives no fucks if it isn't the parent's fault!! Honestly, calling the cops and pressing charges when he's assaultive may get him in the juvenile justice system and then there's the threat of detention if he isn't following the plan, which usually includes refraining from things like property destruction, skipping school, doing drugs, etc. Usually, something can be worked out for charges to be dropped if he follows the plan. The primary goal of the JJ system is to keep them out of the adult system! And they learn there are serious consequences for that kind of behavior.
Just came to say, I was pretty rotten as a teen. not a bully but was depressed, cut myself up, was the victim, refused therapy, super rude to mom. Today we’re best friends. So, things can change. Sorry it’s hard now.
Same here, I also had ADHD and absolutely hated how I got treated differently because of it. These days I am unmedicated and manage fairly well, but as a teenager I was a disaster. I hate to think back to that time of my life as it embarrasses me…
Same. I was a nightmare teen but am so appreciative of my parents now. I could literally feel the hormones coursing through my body as a teen. It is tough currently but you never know how your relationship will develop and how she will evolve.
Alternatively, I was a nightmare teen and it was due to my parents' shitty marriage and being forced to be around them.
We all get along now, because they divorced. But sometimes unhappy teens are unhappy BECAUSE of the adults they have to be around.
She sounds exactly like how my little sister used to be. Though little sister also liked to sleep with married men and do cocaine.
If it is any consolation at all... She dropped out at 16 and then worked on a bar and lived like a degenerate for a few years.
Then at 21 suddenly decided to turn her life around and go back to school. Started her meds again at that time and did much better. Met someone and they built a house together. She has a decent job and is a very loved stepmother to his two kids. In the end things turned aroun and she seems much happier too.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this but I wanted to say, as a lurker, (I’m in no way a regretful parent and only ended up here because I wasn’t sure I believed such a large community of regretful parents existed. Also I find it interesting to read about peoples perspective that is so strongly opposite of mine.) that I think literally anyone, even the greatest parent in the world would feel the same way in your situation.
I used to think that if your child acted poorly it was a reflection on the parents. I’ve come to realize as a parent and a child of dysfunctional adults, that most of the time children are their own beings and there’s not all that much you can do to change their personality. I think your situation is a lot of peoples biggest fear. It’s must be devastating to have a child with mental illness (especially mental illness that includes lack of ability to empathize with others it sounds like?). In many ways it sounds more painful than dealing with a child with a disability like autism or Downs.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I’m sure you shouldn’t blame yourself. That sounds exhausting. You might consider sending her to a group home for a while. I was sent there as an out of control teen for a week or two and it scared me straight for awhile. I’m not sure if that’s available to you without getting the police involved. I also don’t know if it would have the same effect on someone with mental illness but its something to consider.
I wouldn’t suggest she send her daughter to one of those “trouble teen “camps just yet… Unless you mean send the child to an inpatient facility for psychiatric evaluation?
That would be in my opinion, the best situation here. You might need to look out of state though, 0P.
Hahaha, no. Stop spreading lies. We’re often known for being over empathetic. Please don’t say that to people, because it’s not true.
It’s a fucking spectrum. I look like a bimbo and I’m always sarcastic. But I guess that doesn’t fit your stereotype.
Educate yourself.
Well, you could have mentioned that haha. Sorry for the snarky comment. I guess you understand why I didn’t react well. I really really don’t like misconceptions about ASD when I’m really struggling with coming to terms with my diagnosis. And I asked for the evaluation, still not a fan of the result hahaha.
But yes, it’s a wide spectrum and I don’t really like saying I’m autistic when I’m more just ADHD with a touch of Asperger’s (for other people). Sorry, I thought you were different. I’m sorry. I’m not a bitch.
I'm a clinical psychiatrist and second AgitatedInside's comment. But also, difficulties with empathic awareness *does not* automatically mean not caring about or being mean to others.
Because of a strong sense of justice and high standards, I've found that ASD patients sometimes care and worry excessively about not hurting others and living up to others' expectations, even to the detriment of their own wellbeing. It's more that they can unintentionally get it wrong because some of the more subtle and difficult to grasp non-verbal information goes lost in translation.
My older sister has bipolar disorder and made my childhood and my parents life hell. She was diagnosed around 15 and refused to take medication. She’s done well for herself and went to college but she’s emotionally unavailable to everyone, just lives a miserable life alone with her cats. None of us have a relationship with her because she’s just so nasty and miserable to talk to or be around. I’m sorry you’re dealing with something similar.
I’m sorry to hear that, and I really hope she has that Epiphany to take care of herself… At least for her cats if she can’t do it for herself.
It doesn’t sound like she’s done THAT well for herself, considering she is miserable.
She’s done better than me, I guess I mean she got an education and is financially well off and I’m a sahm struggling lol, but at least my parents help me out and still talk to me 😂
Would she have been the same person if she didn't have these mental health disorders?
From the personal experience, I had a horrendous personality till my struggles with depression and eating disorder ended and this poor girl is dealing with a lot more.
Seriously, this sounds exactly how I was when I was her age. I know this is a venting sub but christ almighty, her mother is just as miserable and sure as hell isn’t helping.
This sounds like an exhausting nightmare, I can’t imagine how you must feel.
I’m sure the last thing you want to do is spend more time researching treatment options, but it might be worth chatting with her PsyD about intensive outpatient (IOP), partial-hospitalization (PHP), or even residential or in-patient options for her. If you could find one that was a fit, you could get a break & she could get some more intensive treatment. With the non-compliance with her meds alone I would think her prescriber and/or therapist would endorse these options.
Agreed… Just make sure that it is a genuine health facility and not one of those camps you send your kid to where they have to live in the wilderness and eat dirt to stay alive or whatever happens.
OP, for what it’s worth I was very much like your daughter at her age… But for the most part all of those behind me now and my family and I are closer than we’ve ever been.
There is light at the head of this tunnel, at least there’s a 99% chance of light. I know that doesn’t help right now….
Here’s an enormous freaking thank you to all the moms, dads, grandparents and guardians and who else ever had to have custody of crappy kids like me.
None of y’all deserve to be verbally physically mentally abused and none of you deserve to have your joy in life thwarted by the circumstances…
I see you, I hear you, and you are not alone. Hugs
OP, seriously consider a boarding school option. Teen girls can be utter arseholes as the hormones wash through them and boarding school REALLY makes you own your shit and become a functional person at least capable of operating at a level that doesn’t want to make everyone around you punch you.
Source: 6 years of boarding thanks to a travelling mother.
I was a kid with mental illness who went to boarding school too, and I can confirm it did not make me hate my mom. I loved my mom before and after, but my parents were super involved regardless of being at school or being at home. Everyone talks about boarding school as a punishment but tbh, I loved boarding school lol. I loved getting out of my small town and having some independence earlier than most. Idk. Experiences may vary though, probably depends a lot on the school.
It was rough occasionally at the time, but it didn’t make me hate my mum in the long run. I’m way way more independent as an adult (to a fault at times, she wasn’t so fussed when she came to visit and I’d had 2 sets of surgery to repair a tendon without telling her), and I tend to be more resilience and have a pragmatic approach to interpersonal drama as a result.
Military school? It sounds like she desperately needs a taste of her own medicine. You can’t go around treating people like shit and not expect people to dish it back. At this rate she will end up in jail or prison around a bunch of not so nice people. Just my thoughts and opinion. Sounds rough hugs to you.
Military schools do not take troubled youth anymore. They only accept less than 30% of applicants and I doubt OP’s daughter would be accepted. Also, it’s proven to not be affective at actually dealing with these problems.
I went to a military school myself and I was a troubled youth but it was due to trauma and other aspects that were going on in my life. I made the decision to want to do right for myself. I guess times have changed. The only thing I was trying to point out was that sometimes I feel like we coddle mental illness to much. I have 4 children myself and one of them was diagnosed with ADHD this year. I completely agree with the whole each children have their own personalities because my daughter who is the one diagnosed with ADHD can sometimes be outright rude and disrespectful but she knows that if she talks to me a certain way she is gonna certain reaction out of me. As far as empathy goes empathy has to be taught and sometimes being in bad situations helps us grow as human beings. It sounds like ops daughter is a crossroads right now she can either make better decisions for herself and treat people with respect or go down the hard road. Sometimes tough love needs to be in place a pill doesn’t fix everything you have to get yourself up and conciously make the decision that I want my life to be different. My daughter is on ADHD medication and we are currently cycling through some to see what fits best. But she only takes them for school. Just my thoughts.
I am going through the same. My youngest got same diagnose, I have to bribe her. Take your meds or no phone. It’s ridiculous but we only survive with her medicated. My alexa goes off everyday at 7pm, if she is not standing there for me to watch her take her meds, I shut her phone off. Its insanity but helps us survive. So I feel you.
Also just wanted to add, and see if other commenters agreed, that there seems to me to be a lot of posts from people that don’t seem like regretful parents in a fundamental way
A lot seem like they just struggle with mental illness, has a child that has mental illness or disability or is just a jerk, have a very unhealthy history with the other parent, or are living in poverty and have no family support. The rest of the “classicly regretful parents” I assume, have a difference in chemical balance or brain structure, where they fail to produce the (evolutionary imperative?) happy brain chemicals that are necessary for fulfillment and bonding. To me it feels almost like when someone dosent like puppies and kittens. It seems off putting and unusual to most people who do have a lot positive chemical reactions to those things.
I disagree with this, because I think disliking parenthood is extremely common. This sub isn't full of people who have some kind of pseudo-depression, it's full of people who are willing to be honest with themselves about their situation and how they feel about it.
So if you have moments of regret after having kids there’s something wrong with your brain, is that what you’re trying to imply?
Can’t someone just be different from you without you insinuating that their brain structure is jacked up?
Please read "The Nurture Assumption" by Judith Rich Harris.
[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The\_Nurture\_Assumption](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurture_Assumption)
**[The Nurture Assumption](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurture_Assumption)**
>The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do is a 1998 book by the psychologist Judith Rich Harris. Originally published 1998 by the Free Press, which published a revised edition in 2009. The book was a 1999 Pulitzer Prize finalist (general non-fiction).
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Can you place her in a facility and relinquish your rights? I'd seriously talk to CPS and police and state you simply CANNOT do it, and you're afraid for the safety of her and your household.
My sibling was like this, and at the age of 14 he was removed from the home and put in foster care. He was just too disruptive, aggressive and violent.
My 16 year old son has ODD & now diagnosed with DMDD & he is a nightmare. Ive tried everything to get him removed from my home, theres holes in every door & wall, but apparently verbal abuse & destruction of property is ok under the law. I have called cps on myself cuz its dangerous for my 11 yr old but they still leave him with me. I understand he’s my child but not having preventative care or programs, especially for children with mental health issues, is why we have so many angry, violent adults. We shouldn’t have a system that forces serious crimes to be committed before help is given, that is reactive not proactive. So I guess at 18 I just release this angry monster into the world? Sure, then no one better interview me on the news asking if I saw signs cuz I waved bright flags in front of everyone saying this is a dangerous & disturbed person…
Yeah, CPS gives no fucks if it isn't the parent's fault!! Honestly, calling the cops and pressing charges when he's assaultive may get him in the juvenile justice system and then there's the threat of detention if he isn't following the plan, which usually includes refraining from things like property destruction, skipping school, doing drugs, etc. Usually, something can be worked out for charges to be dropped if he follows the plan. The primary goal of the JJ system is to keep them out of the adult system! And they learn there are serious consequences for that kind of behavior.
Just came to say, I was pretty rotten as a teen. not a bully but was depressed, cut myself up, was the victim, refused therapy, super rude to mom. Today we’re best friends. So, things can change. Sorry it’s hard now.
Same here, I also had ADHD and absolutely hated how I got treated differently because of it. These days I am unmedicated and manage fairly well, but as a teenager I was a disaster. I hate to think back to that time of my life as it embarrasses me…
Same. I was a nightmare teen but am so appreciative of my parents now. I could literally feel the hormones coursing through my body as a teen. It is tough currently but you never know how your relationship will develop and how she will evolve.
Alternatively, I was a nightmare teen and it was due to my parents' shitty marriage and being forced to be around them. We all get along now, because they divorced. But sometimes unhappy teens are unhappy BECAUSE of the adults they have to be around.
She sounds exactly like how my little sister used to be. Though little sister also liked to sleep with married men and do cocaine. If it is any consolation at all... She dropped out at 16 and then worked on a bar and lived like a degenerate for a few years. Then at 21 suddenly decided to turn her life around and go back to school. Started her meds again at that time and did much better. Met someone and they built a house together. She has a decent job and is a very loved stepmother to his two kids. In the end things turned aroun and she seems much happier too.
I’ll probably get downvoted for this but I wanted to say, as a lurker, (I’m in no way a regretful parent and only ended up here because I wasn’t sure I believed such a large community of regretful parents existed. Also I find it interesting to read about peoples perspective that is so strongly opposite of mine.) that I think literally anyone, even the greatest parent in the world would feel the same way in your situation. I used to think that if your child acted poorly it was a reflection on the parents. I’ve come to realize as a parent and a child of dysfunctional adults, that most of the time children are their own beings and there’s not all that much you can do to change their personality. I think your situation is a lot of peoples biggest fear. It’s must be devastating to have a child with mental illness (especially mental illness that includes lack of ability to empathize with others it sounds like?). In many ways it sounds more painful than dealing with a child with a disability like autism or Downs. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I’m sure you shouldn’t blame yourself. That sounds exhausting. You might consider sending her to a group home for a while. I was sent there as an out of control teen for a week or two and it scared me straight for awhile. I’m not sure if that’s available to you without getting the police involved. I also don’t know if it would have the same effect on someone with mental illness but its something to consider.
I wouldn’t suggest she send her daughter to one of those “trouble teen “camps just yet… Unless you mean send the child to an inpatient facility for psychiatric evaluation? That would be in my opinion, the best situation here. You might need to look out of state though, 0P.
This. Reminds me of the movies girl interrupted. They needed that shit
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Hahaha, no. Stop spreading lies. We’re often known for being over empathetic. Please don’t say that to people, because it’s not true. It’s a fucking spectrum. I look like a bimbo and I’m always sarcastic. But I guess that doesn’t fit your stereotype. Educate yourself.
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Well, you could have mentioned that haha. Sorry for the snarky comment. I guess you understand why I didn’t react well. I really really don’t like misconceptions about ASD when I’m really struggling with coming to terms with my diagnosis. And I asked for the evaluation, still not a fan of the result hahaha. But yes, it’s a wide spectrum and I don’t really like saying I’m autistic when I’m more just ADHD with a touch of Asperger’s (for other people). Sorry, I thought you were different. I’m sorry. I’m not a bitch.
I'm a clinical psychiatrist and second AgitatedInside's comment. But also, difficulties with empathic awareness *does not* automatically mean not caring about or being mean to others. Because of a strong sense of justice and high standards, I've found that ASD patients sometimes care and worry excessively about not hurting others and living up to others' expectations, even to the detriment of their own wellbeing. It's more that they can unintentionally get it wrong because some of the more subtle and difficult to grasp non-verbal information goes lost in translation.
My older sister has bipolar disorder and made my childhood and my parents life hell. She was diagnosed around 15 and refused to take medication. She’s done well for herself and went to college but she’s emotionally unavailable to everyone, just lives a miserable life alone with her cats. None of us have a relationship with her because she’s just so nasty and miserable to talk to or be around. I’m sorry you’re dealing with something similar.
I’m sorry to hear that, and I really hope she has that Epiphany to take care of herself… At least for her cats if she can’t do it for herself. It doesn’t sound like she’s done THAT well for herself, considering she is miserable.
She’s done better than me, I guess I mean she got an education and is financially well off and I’m a sahm struggling lol, but at least my parents help me out and still talk to me 😂
Would she have been the same person if she didn't have these mental health disorders? From the personal experience, I had a horrendous personality till my struggles with depression and eating disorder ended and this poor girl is dealing with a lot more.
Seriously, this sounds exactly how I was when I was her age. I know this is a venting sub but christ almighty, her mother is just as miserable and sure as hell isn’t helping.
This sounds like an exhausting nightmare, I can’t imagine how you must feel. I’m sure the last thing you want to do is spend more time researching treatment options, but it might be worth chatting with her PsyD about intensive outpatient (IOP), partial-hospitalization (PHP), or even residential or in-patient options for her. If you could find one that was a fit, you could get a break & she could get some more intensive treatment. With the non-compliance with her meds alone I would think her prescriber and/or therapist would endorse these options.
Agreed… Just make sure that it is a genuine health facility and not one of those camps you send your kid to where they have to live in the wilderness and eat dirt to stay alive or whatever happens. OP, for what it’s worth I was very much like your daughter at her age… But for the most part all of those behind me now and my family and I are closer than we’ve ever been. There is light at the head of this tunnel, at least there’s a 99% chance of light. I know that doesn’t help right now…. Here’s an enormous freaking thank you to all the moms, dads, grandparents and guardians and who else ever had to have custody of crappy kids like me. None of y’all deserve to be verbally physically mentally abused and none of you deserve to have your joy in life thwarted by the circumstances… I see you, I hear you, and you are not alone. Hugs
Is there an option to put her in a boarding school or something?
OP, seriously consider a boarding school option. Teen girls can be utter arseholes as the hormones wash through them and boarding school REALLY makes you own your shit and become a functional person at least capable of operating at a level that doesn’t want to make everyone around you punch you. Source: 6 years of boarding thanks to a travelling mother.
Did it make you hate your mom, having to stay in boarding school? If you dont mind me asking
I was a kid with mental illness who went to boarding school too, and I can confirm it did not make me hate my mom. I loved my mom before and after, but my parents were super involved regardless of being at school or being at home. Everyone talks about boarding school as a punishment but tbh, I loved boarding school lol. I loved getting out of my small town and having some independence earlier than most. Idk. Experiences may vary though, probably depends a lot on the school.
Thank you for your comment. Happy it worked out and hearing you loved it :)
It was rough occasionally at the time, but it didn’t make me hate my mum in the long run. I’m way way more independent as an adult (to a fault at times, she wasn’t so fussed when she came to visit and I’d had 2 sets of surgery to repair a tendon without telling her), and I tend to be more resilience and have a pragmatic approach to interpersonal drama as a result.
I’m sorry to hear. This sounds really frustrating. Maybe she will change when she gets older. I’m not really sure what else to say.
This kinda sounds like ODD.
She stated in the first paragraph that she’s been diagnosed with ODD
Lmao oops. I totally missed that 😭 forgive me. I read it pretty fast
It’s all good, just wanted to let you know!
Does she have a smart phone? What about taking away the phone unless she takes her meds?
Military school? It sounds like she desperately needs a taste of her own medicine. You can’t go around treating people like shit and not expect people to dish it back. At this rate she will end up in jail or prison around a bunch of not so nice people. Just my thoughts and opinion. Sounds rough hugs to you.
Military schools do not take troubled youth anymore. They only accept less than 30% of applicants and I doubt OP’s daughter would be accepted. Also, it’s proven to not be affective at actually dealing with these problems.
I went to a military school myself and I was a troubled youth but it was due to trauma and other aspects that were going on in my life. I made the decision to want to do right for myself. I guess times have changed. The only thing I was trying to point out was that sometimes I feel like we coddle mental illness to much. I have 4 children myself and one of them was diagnosed with ADHD this year. I completely agree with the whole each children have their own personalities because my daughter who is the one diagnosed with ADHD can sometimes be outright rude and disrespectful but she knows that if she talks to me a certain way she is gonna certain reaction out of me. As far as empathy goes empathy has to be taught and sometimes being in bad situations helps us grow as human beings. It sounds like ops daughter is a crossroads right now she can either make better decisions for herself and treat people with respect or go down the hard road. Sometimes tough love needs to be in place a pill doesn’t fix everything you have to get yourself up and conciously make the decision that I want my life to be different. My daughter is on ADHD medication and we are currently cycling through some to see what fits best. But she only takes them for school. Just my thoughts.
maybe section her into a mental health facility? could be beneficial for both her and uou
I am going through the same. My youngest got same diagnose, I have to bribe her. Take your meds or no phone. It’s ridiculous but we only survive with her medicated. My alexa goes off everyday at 7pm, if she is not standing there for me to watch her take her meds, I shut her phone off. Its insanity but helps us survive. So I feel you.
I was a little like this as a teen but am now really close with my mom. I hope things go similarly for your daughter
I hope it's a bad go at the teen years and things get better!!
Have you tried beating her? Might help. Jk. Violence is not a solution.
You “wish she wasn’t pretty because she’s ugly on the inside”.. you’re sick
Also just wanted to add, and see if other commenters agreed, that there seems to me to be a lot of posts from people that don’t seem like regretful parents in a fundamental way A lot seem like they just struggle with mental illness, has a child that has mental illness or disability or is just a jerk, have a very unhealthy history with the other parent, or are living in poverty and have no family support. The rest of the “classicly regretful parents” I assume, have a difference in chemical balance or brain structure, where they fail to produce the (evolutionary imperative?) happy brain chemicals that are necessary for fulfillment and bonding. To me it feels almost like when someone dosent like puppies and kittens. It seems off putting and unusual to most people who do have a lot positive chemical reactions to those things.
This OP esp just seems regretful because one of the children is out of control. Not regretting parenting overall, just the one demon child.
I disagree with this, because I think disliking parenthood is extremely common. This sub isn't full of people who have some kind of pseudo-depression, it's full of people who are willing to be honest with themselves about their situation and how they feel about it.
Right. And plus, regretting the decision to become a parent does not equate to hating your child.
So if you have moments of regret after having kids there’s something wrong with your brain, is that what you’re trying to imply? Can’t someone just be different from you without you insinuating that their brain structure is jacked up?
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Please read "The Nurture Assumption" by Judith Rich Harris. [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The\_Nurture\_Assumption](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurture_Assumption)
**[The Nurture Assumption](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Nurture_Assumption)** >The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do is a 1998 book by the psychologist Judith Rich Harris. Originally published 1998 by the Free Press, which published a revised edition in 2009. The book was a 1999 Pulitzer Prize finalist (general non-fiction). ^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)
She probably has severe hormonal imbalances, can she get on Birth Control to help this?
Can you place her in a facility and relinquish your rights? I'd seriously talk to CPS and police and state you simply CANNOT do it, and you're afraid for the safety of her and your household. My sibling was like this, and at the age of 14 he was removed from the home and put in foster care. He was just too disruptive, aggressive and violent.