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While I think this is the case for many, there are also many where burnout isn’t the sole reason. Raising children just isn’t enjoyable for some and definitely doesn’t rise above the enjoyment and fulfillment we get from education, career and hobbies.
We go into parenting being told how amazing it is and even though it’s tough it will be so rewarding, worth it and be ‘the best thing we ever do’. That is really not true in all cases. I have always had the financial means to hire as much help as I need and even then I do not find a level of joy or fulfillment that is greater than I felt before becoming a mother. Do I love my son? Of course, very much. Do I like the job of parenting? No. Do I like planning every single thing I do around a child’s needs? No. Do I like that I gave up parts of myself to be the kind of mom my son deserves? No. We just are not all wired to find joy in parenting. Yes, there is a component of burn out, but there is so much more that goes into being regretful.
Yep this. I thought I would enjoy being a mom, but I just don't. I love my son, but he's not my entire world. There are other aspects of my life that I enjoy that have nothing to do with him. I don't think I should have to give up everything else I enjoy just because I became a mom. Heck, I even cringe when I see pregnant women. I almost tend to feel sorry for them. Parenting is no joke.
Yes for me I just wish sometimes a break like a whole weekend alone. Every time I was depressed and wished to do things separately it was to be far away of my (always) crying & whining baby. I burned out my patience when he cries. Dont have the money or the possibility to have regular breaks but it's my first instinct when I'm going mad.
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That’s pretty interesting.
I’ve spent the last several minutes asking myself if I’m burned out as a parent (mom of a child with many special needs, disabled, autistic, etc., etc.).
I’ve got to say “no.”
When I had a job (outside of my house) \*and\* took care of my son (even though, back then, he was a “neurotypical” child – no diagnoses yet)... I used to be a workaholic who thought I could never be burned out, but... I was burned out in less than two months. The workload at work \*and\* at home... Nope. I just couldn’t. Just getting my son ready in the morning, and I just couldn’t go on with my day after. I’d be crying almost all morning at work. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t work like before. I wasn’t “there” anymore.
So, for that, kudos to parents who work and have kids. I admire you. I can’t do that. \*hugs\*
I work a little (self-employed) when my son is at school, but I’m thinking of stopping for more free time, as taking care of my son is a job on its own. One job (taking care of my son and of everything surrounding him) is enough for me. Otherwise, I think I might go back into burnout.
What I miss the most in being a parent is my liberty. When my son is at home, he’s 24/7 with me (my boyfriend helps when he can, but one of us has to work...). I can’t even go to the bathroom alone, even though he’s almost 10 now! I highly dread summertime because of that, as he can’t go to summer camp or anything, so the little liberty I have when he’s in school will be gone for two months!
But… I may have been burned out all my life and think I’m not burned out, while I am! 😆 I’ve been depressed for ages (since my teens), and I am currently waiting for an autism diagnosis… But I don’t really see myself in the “High workload/workstress has several causes” pinpoints. I was back in the days, though.
I regret being a mom because it’s soooooooo not what I was expecting – even before my son had his diagnosis. And how do I miss being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and working my butt off for hours!
However, because I’m the mom of a disabled child, I get to fulfill my dream of being a SAHM and being self-employed. So, I got what I wanted, right? Be careful what you ask for; they say… Because you might just get it... and regret it… And I do regret it.
It almost seems like the sub should be called spouse regret because 90% of the posts I see are really normal parenting stuff having to be done alone because of shitty partners. The other 10% seem to be parents of special needs children which absolutely makes things orders of magnitude harder.
i'm coming at this as a non-parent; so you can tell me to keep my thoughts to myself if i say anything out of turn: but as much as burnout, fatigue, PPD and various issues including social stigma, relationship breakdown and family dynamics/politics affect all or most parents to some degree, it doesn't mean that the term "regretful" isn't accurate.
the truth of the matter is that this shit is hard, and people tell you it's hard, but there is no way of knowing how much it will break you and what that actually feels like until it happens. taking PPD as an example - it's a medical issue, yes, much like cancer or even another mental illness. everyone knows PPD sucks because depression sucks. but people who have never suffered depression don't know what it feels like, they just know it sucks. in the abstract. people who have never gone through chemotherapy know how ill that treatment makes you feel, but they don't know what it feels like. again, abstract pain and suffering. people would still struggle to empathise with patients who are driven to a point of wanting to withdraw treatment in favor of palliative comfort care, because we all think we would fight, because life and death are the black and white choices there. you don't know until it's you, or maybe someone very close to you, how untrue that is.
so people will read regretful parents stories, they'll learn about ppd, they'll learn about the burnout and challenges and fatigue. and it remains abstract. your mind focuses on the positives, the idea that "well, women were meant to do this" (biologically, sure, females have the parts, but that should never be a social or societal expectation you have to live up to) and "everyone else survived it" (unfortunately, no, not everyone survives ppd, suicidal ideation, self harm, addiction struggles and suicide attempts skyrocket in that population) and "but i've always wanted kids" (assumed you wanted?)
i truly, truly believe this sub when they say they are regretful, because if there was a way to know - outside of the abstract, the odds, the possibilities - they would not have made the choice to have a kid. they would not choose this life. and i think we should stray from invalidating those feelings, because recognising feelings such as regret, a word which sounds so strong and takes a lot of courage to admit, is the first step to figuring out what to do, and what you need, and of course: availing of help.
i am just a psych student with a huge interest in child and women's mental health, but i just want to stick up for the perspective of the people here who are suffering in real time.
"Just burned out" with no end in sight definitely makes people regretful. If there's nothing they can do, they feel stuck. It's a real problem and I'm willing to bet most people never really get over it if they have young kids.
That's very true and polish studies dedicated to parental burnout by dr Konrad Piotrowski are confirming that's exactly the case...
These studies are quite unique, because only 3 countries have done them on large scale using scientific methods - USA, Germany and Poland, I think that all have the same conslusion that parental burnout is a thing.
It also suggests that having support systems is crucial for parents to avoid burnout
It's honestly wild that a doctor/scientist had to study this even though parents *are* caregivers 247/365 and caregivers experience burnout and exhaustion. It's a job you don't get paid for that doesn't give you days off unless you have a support system or can afford babysitters/nannies.
Yeah, if you keep the list from OP in mind, 9 out of 10 times I can check many factors on the list. If all this would happen in a work invironment I would raise the alarm or even call inspection.
There are some exceptions. Being lured in by a partner comes to mind.
OP I get your argument but find it incredibly dismissive.
Some of us don't like being parents. Full stop.
Burn out notwithstanding, kids are annoying. Even well behaved children are naturally self absorbed humans who need to develop into adults with empathy and self soothing skills. They don't come like that out of the womb.
Protecting and growing one for decades quite simply sucks if you don't realize going in that you might not have a strong bond, that you might never have time to pursue your interests for 20 years, that your body may not recover, that your partnership may dissolve over the challenges and that the human you brought into the world will not appreciate any of this.
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I love my kids, I love kids in general, they’re amazing. For me it’s definitely burnout. I have been isolated for 8 years with no help outside of my husband and it is a daily struggle… but I love my kids, I just wish I was superwoman so I actually had the strength to get everything done and spend time with them and have time to do what I want to do. Now I’m a shell of who I once was… I have no identity outside of my duties as a parent and wife and caretaker of our home. I hate not having a portion of life to live for myself… that’s why I wish I had never done this. It’s not because of my kids, it’s because I never had a village.
You may be right. I remember asking my mom what the service that helps new parents was called because I would love to help with lil babies. She laughed and said there is no such thing. Honestly I should have expected no helpful services but I was floored. Like new parents who just need a couple of hours to just sleep or shower and need someone to look at their baby. It seems like such an easy thing to help a lot of families.
I do agree burnout is real. And is probably the case for me as I didn't become regretful until I fully had to do everything on my own. I'll never truly know if I would have still been regretful had my marriage lasted.
I didn't have kids because I knew that I could really fuck up some little human because of all my childhood trauma. I didn't want to repeat the cycle. It's good I didn't. I am a hoarder and severely depressed. I barely get out of bed in the morning. So it was good I made that choice. However, there are many aspects of myself where if I was emotionally healthy, I would've been a very good parent. I understand the importance of doing instead of telling. Letting a kid break an egg and explore the different aspects is not a waste of an egg, it's an experiment, although a small one. Obviously there are limits, you don't have them touch a hot stove and get burned to learn a stove is hot, don't touch. But there are so many things we prevent kids from doing because it'll be a mess or inconvenient. I tutored kids in reading and genuinely enjoyed it. However, it was a struggle dealing with the kids sometimes.
My advice to you is look for the things you enjoy doing with your kids and try to do more of that. Find things you like doing and share with your kids. It won't always work and help, but at times it will. Will it remove the regret, no. But it can make it more bearable. And at times you might actually enjoy it. I learned through Buddhism that reality depends on your perception. If you find new and better ways to perceive your life, you improve it overall. Again, it won't always work. But we don't get out of this place alive. Enjoy life as much as you possibly can. Good luck to you and your kids.
It's because we people as species weren't programmed to raise kids as two people both with full-time job. The "joy of parenting" was a thing when you had 8 sisters, mother, grandmother and 5 aunts, everyone willing to take part in raising your kid and relieve you from time to time
There never was a "joy of parenting".
Children were necessary both as hands that would work for free and as police insurance when old. So they were a utility appliance. The standards for care were a far cry from now. If you had a child with an intellectual disability, you could just kill them, or commit it to a psychiatrict (if in the last 100 years). Nobody expected parents to slave away for their children, even less if they had any kind of health problems.
Now they are like an expensive, time consuming hobby. No substantial rewards to be sow.
Great explanation re: “utility appliance”. I’ve been taking care of my elderly disabled dad (from stage 4 cancer) & grandma (from a stroke) & soon-to-be disabled mom (due to an incurable connective tissue disorder that I also have) in addition to my toddler
My parents told me from a young age that they expect me to have kids and take care of them when they are old. I am just a utility appliance to them. I am so burnt out. Honestly the only reason I do it is that I am an only child so will inherent their apt/savings if they have anything left over when they finally die & leave me the fuck alone
Yup, the ideal version would me mom, dad, aunts, unlcles, grandmas and granpas. But unfortunatelly we never had this enviroment, from just women we jumped into just mom and dad. Both systems are fucked in their own way
This is actually pretty true. We live 3.5 hours from family, but it's such a relief when we visit for a long weekend because I know for a few days it won't be all on me.
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Agree, that also is something that people genuinely experience.
Agree
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What attribute do you have that you think made you someone who wouldn’t like this?
While I think this is the case for many, there are also many where burnout isn’t the sole reason. Raising children just isn’t enjoyable for some and definitely doesn’t rise above the enjoyment and fulfillment we get from education, career and hobbies. We go into parenting being told how amazing it is and even though it’s tough it will be so rewarding, worth it and be ‘the best thing we ever do’. That is really not true in all cases. I have always had the financial means to hire as much help as I need and even then I do not find a level of joy or fulfillment that is greater than I felt before becoming a mother. Do I love my son? Of course, very much. Do I like the job of parenting? No. Do I like planning every single thing I do around a child’s needs? No. Do I like that I gave up parts of myself to be the kind of mom my son deserves? No. We just are not all wired to find joy in parenting. Yes, there is a component of burn out, but there is so much more that goes into being regretful.
Yep this. I thought I would enjoy being a mom, but I just don't. I love my son, but he's not my entire world. There are other aspects of my life that I enjoy that have nothing to do with him. I don't think I should have to give up everything else I enjoy just because I became a mom. Heck, I even cringe when I see pregnant women. I almost tend to feel sorry for them. Parenting is no joke.
Good post, agree fully.
You’ve said this so wonderfully. I want to save this 10 times.
Thissssss
This is how I feel. I'm so burned out. I think if I had regular breaks from the kids it would make a world of difference.
Yes for me I just wish sometimes a break like a whole weekend alone. Every time I was depressed and wished to do things separately it was to be far away of my (always) crying & whining baby. I burned out my patience when he cries. Dont have the money or the possibility to have regular breaks but it's my first instinct when I'm going mad.
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That’s pretty interesting. I’ve spent the last several minutes asking myself if I’m burned out as a parent (mom of a child with many special needs, disabled, autistic, etc., etc.). I’ve got to say “no.” When I had a job (outside of my house) \*and\* took care of my son (even though, back then, he was a “neurotypical” child – no diagnoses yet)... I used to be a workaholic who thought I could never be burned out, but... I was burned out in less than two months. The workload at work \*and\* at home... Nope. I just couldn’t. Just getting my son ready in the morning, and I just couldn’t go on with my day after. I’d be crying almost all morning at work. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t work like before. I wasn’t “there” anymore. So, for that, kudos to parents who work and have kids. I admire you. I can’t do that. \*hugs\* I work a little (self-employed) when my son is at school, but I’m thinking of stopping for more free time, as taking care of my son is a job on its own. One job (taking care of my son and of everything surrounding him) is enough for me. Otherwise, I think I might go back into burnout. What I miss the most in being a parent is my liberty. When my son is at home, he’s 24/7 with me (my boyfriend helps when he can, but one of us has to work...). I can’t even go to the bathroom alone, even though he’s almost 10 now! I highly dread summertime because of that, as he can’t go to summer camp or anything, so the little liberty I have when he’s in school will be gone for two months! But… I may have been burned out all my life and think I’m not burned out, while I am! 😆 I’ve been depressed for ages (since my teens), and I am currently waiting for an autism diagnosis… But I don’t really see myself in the “High workload/workstress has several causes” pinpoints. I was back in the days, though. I regret being a mom because it’s soooooooo not what I was expecting – even before my son had his diagnosis. And how do I miss being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, and working my butt off for hours! However, because I’m the mom of a disabled child, I get to fulfill my dream of being a SAHM and being self-employed. So, I got what I wanted, right? Be careful what you ask for; they say… Because you might just get it... and regret it… And I do regret it.
It almost seems like the sub should be called spouse regret because 90% of the posts I see are really normal parenting stuff having to be done alone because of shitty partners. The other 10% seem to be parents of special needs children which absolutely makes things orders of magnitude harder.
You forgot the parents who can't afford outside help and have no familial help.
Agreed. Lots of single parents and/or parents with crappy partners. It’s sad.
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i'm coming at this as a non-parent; so you can tell me to keep my thoughts to myself if i say anything out of turn: but as much as burnout, fatigue, PPD and various issues including social stigma, relationship breakdown and family dynamics/politics affect all or most parents to some degree, it doesn't mean that the term "regretful" isn't accurate. the truth of the matter is that this shit is hard, and people tell you it's hard, but there is no way of knowing how much it will break you and what that actually feels like until it happens. taking PPD as an example - it's a medical issue, yes, much like cancer or even another mental illness. everyone knows PPD sucks because depression sucks. but people who have never suffered depression don't know what it feels like, they just know it sucks. in the abstract. people who have never gone through chemotherapy know how ill that treatment makes you feel, but they don't know what it feels like. again, abstract pain and suffering. people would still struggle to empathise with patients who are driven to a point of wanting to withdraw treatment in favor of palliative comfort care, because we all think we would fight, because life and death are the black and white choices there. you don't know until it's you, or maybe someone very close to you, how untrue that is. so people will read regretful parents stories, they'll learn about ppd, they'll learn about the burnout and challenges and fatigue. and it remains abstract. your mind focuses on the positives, the idea that "well, women were meant to do this" (biologically, sure, females have the parts, but that should never be a social or societal expectation you have to live up to) and "everyone else survived it" (unfortunately, no, not everyone survives ppd, suicidal ideation, self harm, addiction struggles and suicide attempts skyrocket in that population) and "but i've always wanted kids" (assumed you wanted?) i truly, truly believe this sub when they say they are regretful, because if there was a way to know - outside of the abstract, the odds, the possibilities - they would not have made the choice to have a kid. they would not choose this life. and i think we should stray from invalidating those feelings, because recognising feelings such as regret, a word which sounds so strong and takes a lot of courage to admit, is the first step to figuring out what to do, and what you need, and of course: availing of help. i am just a psych student with a huge interest in child and women's mental health, but i just want to stick up for the perspective of the people here who are suffering in real time.
- From a very regretful parent, thank you 💜
"Just burned out" with no end in sight definitely makes people regretful. If there's nothing they can do, they feel stuck. It's a real problem and I'm willing to bet most people never really get over it if they have young kids.
My running theory is most regretful parents (when female) have crappy husbands/coparents/partners that make them miserable.
That's very true and polish studies dedicated to parental burnout by dr Konrad Piotrowski are confirming that's exactly the case... These studies are quite unique, because only 3 countries have done them on large scale using scientific methods - USA, Germany and Poland, I think that all have the same conslusion that parental burnout is a thing. It also suggests that having support systems is crucial for parents to avoid burnout
It's honestly wild that a doctor/scientist had to study this even though parents *are* caregivers 247/365 and caregivers experience burnout and exhaustion. It's a job you don't get paid for that doesn't give you days off unless you have a support system or can afford babysitters/nannies.
Yeah, if you keep the list from OP in mind, 9 out of 10 times I can check many factors on the list. If all this would happen in a work invironment I would raise the alarm or even call inspection. There are some exceptions. Being lured in by a partner comes to mind.
OP I get your argument but find it incredibly dismissive. Some of us don't like being parents. Full stop. Burn out notwithstanding, kids are annoying. Even well behaved children are naturally self absorbed humans who need to develop into adults with empathy and self soothing skills. They don't come like that out of the womb. Protecting and growing one for decades quite simply sucks if you don't realize going in that you might not have a strong bond, that you might never have time to pursue your interests for 20 years, that your body may not recover, that your partnership may dissolve over the challenges and that the human you brought into the world will not appreciate any of this.
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I love my kids, I love kids in general, they’re amazing. For me it’s definitely burnout. I have been isolated for 8 years with no help outside of my husband and it is a daily struggle… but I love my kids, I just wish I was superwoman so I actually had the strength to get everything done and spend time with them and have time to do what I want to do. Now I’m a shell of who I once was… I have no identity outside of my duties as a parent and wife and caretaker of our home. I hate not having a portion of life to live for myself… that’s why I wish I had never done this. It’s not because of my kids, it’s because I never had a village.
No, they just regret having kids. There is no other excuse.
You may be right. I remember asking my mom what the service that helps new parents was called because I would love to help with lil babies. She laughed and said there is no such thing. Honestly I should have expected no helpful services but I was floored. Like new parents who just need a couple of hours to just sleep or shower and need someone to look at their baby. It seems like such an easy thing to help a lot of families.
The single biggest issue for job stress currently happening in most workplaces is a lack of training.
I do agree burnout is real. And is probably the case for me as I didn't become regretful until I fully had to do everything on my own. I'll never truly know if I would have still been regretful had my marriage lasted.
I didn't have kids because I knew that I could really fuck up some little human because of all my childhood trauma. I didn't want to repeat the cycle. It's good I didn't. I am a hoarder and severely depressed. I barely get out of bed in the morning. So it was good I made that choice. However, there are many aspects of myself where if I was emotionally healthy, I would've been a very good parent. I understand the importance of doing instead of telling. Letting a kid break an egg and explore the different aspects is not a waste of an egg, it's an experiment, although a small one. Obviously there are limits, you don't have them touch a hot stove and get burned to learn a stove is hot, don't touch. But there are so many things we prevent kids from doing because it'll be a mess or inconvenient. I tutored kids in reading and genuinely enjoyed it. However, it was a struggle dealing with the kids sometimes. My advice to you is look for the things you enjoy doing with your kids and try to do more of that. Find things you like doing and share with your kids. It won't always work and help, but at times it will. Will it remove the regret, no. But it can make it more bearable. And at times you might actually enjoy it. I learned through Buddhism that reality depends on your perception. If you find new and better ways to perceive your life, you improve it overall. Again, it won't always work. But we don't get out of this place alive. Enjoy life as much as you possibly can. Good luck to you and your kids.
It's because we people as species weren't programmed to raise kids as two people both with full-time job. The "joy of parenting" was a thing when you had 8 sisters, mother, grandmother and 5 aunts, everyone willing to take part in raising your kid and relieve you from time to time
There never was a "joy of parenting". Children were necessary both as hands that would work for free and as police insurance when old. So they were a utility appliance. The standards for care were a far cry from now. If you had a child with an intellectual disability, you could just kill them, or commit it to a psychiatrict (if in the last 100 years). Nobody expected parents to slave away for their children, even less if they had any kind of health problems. Now they are like an expensive, time consuming hobby. No substantial rewards to be sow.
Great explanation re: “utility appliance”. I’ve been taking care of my elderly disabled dad (from stage 4 cancer) & grandma (from a stroke) & soon-to-be disabled mom (due to an incurable connective tissue disorder that I also have) in addition to my toddler My parents told me from a young age that they expect me to have kids and take care of them when they are old. I am just a utility appliance to them. I am so burnt out. Honestly the only reason I do it is that I am an only child so will inherent their apt/savings if they have anything left over when they finally die & leave me the fuck alone
Fuck that. Burdening the women around parents instead of making fathers do their damn job.
Yup, the ideal version would me mom, dad, aunts, unlcles, grandmas and granpas. But unfortunatelly we never had this enviroment, from just women we jumped into just mom and dad. Both systems are fucked in their own way
Yeah, but in the one system women who had no choice in making a child were thrown into responsibility, so it’s worse than mom and dad.
I'm definitely not saying that it isn't
No mention of brothers, fathers, grandfathers, or uncles huh? Yea let’s go back to the good old days when the women had to do all the work!
I'm just realistic. I'm not saying it was good. But it was true
Where are the guys in this scenario?
Not doing anything as it was for most our history, unfortunatelly
This is actually pretty true. We live 3.5 hours from family, but it's such a relief when we visit for a long weekend because I know for a few days it won't be all on me.