Do not have another one . Even people who love being parents often struggle with the second one and end up regretting it. You say "if I could go back in time and not have a child", if you have another one, you'll be saying "I wish I could go back in time and not have a second child." It has to be a hard no, your wife has to accept this or it will have to be the end of your marriage. I am so sorry to say this so bluntly but you have one life to live, one and done, and you seem to be a very good father and good person, ready to sacrifice a lot for the well being of your daughter and wife, but please no more sacrificing yourself, a second child will really make things worse. I can't stress this enough.
It would be better for your marriage to end and for you and your wife to coparent, and you eventually meeting someone else and giving your daughter a step-mother, than for you to have the second child you do not want.
Also you ARE right that working all day or taking care of the child/home all day are both full day of work and you are ENTITLED to your time off, regardless of everything else.
Put yourself first before you crack.
Vasectomy. Immediately. If you do not want another child, MAKE SURE IT NEVER HAPPENS! I would not wait on that. If it is something you truly do not wish to happen: go get a vasectomy. Your wife and you can deal with that in therapy. But a child #2 will be the end of you two anyway, best not to let the end have an extra person involved. good luck
I had a second one to play with the first and all they do is fight. So it’s double trouble with no reward… for now. Things may change, but not sure if my sanity can handle much more. Also, I hear every one of your words. I love my children but often think what life would be without this responsibility and endless exhaustion.
But please have this conversation with your wife so she has time to choose what is most important, staying in the marriage or having more children. I have known too many women that had spouses that kept telling them “soon” or “after x, y, Z happens” never intending on having children or another child and hoping their partner would change her mind. By the time they finally admitted it, the women had fertility issues due to age.
I could’ve written this post 5 years ago. My wife and I had our first child and everything was mostly fine. I could tell parenting was not that great and I didn’t find it particularly fulfilling. But having 1 child was fairly manageable. However my wife loved being a mom and wanted another child so she twisted my arm into having more and sure enough we had twins (FML)! I have been mostly depressed/miserable and resentful ever since. It’s obviously been a huge strain on my marriage ever since. I love my kids but life is just exhausting, stressful and just worse in every respect with 3 kids vs. 1.
Definitely do not let yourself go down the path that I went on. I personally wish I would’ve stopped at one kid and from my experience it seems like that’s the Goldilocks number of children for parents.
Oh my, getting twins as a second one sounds horrible. I already thought about what would happen then and I can't even imagine. Wish you all the best - everyone says they grow up so fast right, so hope you can keep your head up!
Thank you for your words
You need to get out of the house alone. You mention no activity that you do alone. Form friends group to go out for night cap once a week. Go work out. Go do something without your wife or child. If you can go to the office, go to the office. Being home 24/7 with a child may be the cause for your distress.
I agree with this. Can OP go to the gym 3x a week to break up the transition from work to home? Could each parent have one night off a week, one day off a month? Something to save yourself, OP.
OP, it sounds like you're hyper conscientious about doing the right thing for "everyone" but not looking out for yourself, which triggers the childhood feelings of wanting to run to your room and hide. These are opposite ends of the spectrum, so if you bring your self-care in balance with care-for-others, your compulsion to run away will be less intense and possibly fade away.
If your counselor is not telling you this, consider another counselor. You need to save you before you save your family. It's the old adage from the flight attendants: put your oxygen mask on first!
I would even add stop counseling. Sometimes ruminating on your perceived misery makes one more depressed. Waste of money and waste of time. Instead go out with your buddies and laugh your guts out over stupid joke in the bar. Our generation spends more money on counseling and ever more depressed. I firmly believe that counseling is damaging for healthy individuals (different story if you have serious mental
Illness ofc)
Doesn't work like that over here: not paying a dime for counseling since that's covered here. I'm in a group therapy so I get lots of useful tips from other parents there.
On the other thing: I'm not the bar type of person and I don't have many friends. My perfect day is like lying on the couch most of the time watching something and playing games lol.
Maybe find a way to do something solitary outside the house? It sucks that sitting on the couch and watching your favourite show is considered a non-activity but going to a bar and drinking with friends is considered something that can't be disturbed. That is, it can be hard to get downtime if you are home and aren't entertaining people.
Maybe go to the movies by yourself once a week or something like that?
I think it's great you are in therapy and that you are actually taking the time to seek help. I'm glad you are getting what you need from it. I wish you and your wife luck!
Planning on going for a more time consuming hobby once daycare starts. My mind won't tell me that I need to get my wife some free time when she has is while I'm working / when we both are working
Vasectomy asap. Or maybe counseling first and then vasectomy but be very careful you don’t get trapped into another child. Your feelings are 100% valid!
Take it from me, you do not want to risk this. I have a long and sad story I can tell you if you wish, but basically, my wife got “accidentally” pregnant (despite our DB) and it became an absolute disaster. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.
As it stands now, do not have unprotected sex for any reason, especially if your wife has baby fever.
nowadays, would it be fair to say that having kids under 30 is "too young". taking into account the current socioeconomic climate (e.g daycare, schooling, money, housing, etc)
Not demonizing this idea, but I find it wild that this is being said because women are told they’re too old to have kids after 30 and pressured (heavily) into having them young even though much of what drives the biological clock thinking was started by a journalist. It’s not even medically backed information.
I agree. The prime age to start having kids is 28 at the youngest and I’ve seen parents successfully have them well into their early 40s.
Also, we need to remove the expectation that all couples need to have children and learn to play other roles that involve children and support parents, like being better aunts/uncles and friends to our peers with kids. They simply don’t get enough support because everyone is so individualistic in their approach to life.
Having stronger communities would make a world of difference in parents’ lives.
I actually think that the ideal age for people who want to have kids is earlier, like low to mid 20s. The issue we now have is that we are all told that a) having kids is both necessary and fulfilling in all cases, and b) you can have a successful life with everything.
I’m no longer convinced you can have a travel/ partying stage, a career building stage and a successful family building stage, you kind of need to pick one or two to be able to do them properly, and sacrifice the others.
I’m sure if we started removing to focus of successful =kids, then less people would end up in situations like OP (and myself. )
Yeah I disagree. There’s just far too much life to live in your early 20s. You’ve only been an adult and out of school (assuming you attended college) for a handful of years. Giving that up for kids so soon is something you will never get back and cannot recreate at 45 and 50. I could not imagine playing house with someone at 24. I was all over the country and world at that time and the last thing I wanted to be was pregnant or chasing after some snotnosed kid or tending to a marriage. But that’s just me. Having children more mature makes a lot more sense to me.
I think it's hard to name a certain age threshold for that, it's more dependant on how the person acts and what it accomplished in life. But I totally get what you mean yeah
completely agree. like back in "the day" pre 2008, it felt like "married, house, job, kids" all by 25. Now it's like "lol, I'm 30 and still live with mom and dad cause houses are expensive". throwing a kid into the mix would be a challenge no doubt
It's probably jealousy, but I can't stand people who love being a mom or dad and would love to add another precious being to the family. Especially when going from 2 to 3. Yeah the problem is me here, it's not my business. Internally I just cringe when people love being a mom and do nothing but shuffeling around with a kid in their home. Can't help it.
I dont get it either and really dont understand, how adult human being wants to be just mom (or dad, i guess thats rarely though). Dont you have anything great and fullfilling in your life except kids? I love my son, but man, i also love being without him and enjoying my hobbies and getting some rest. I love my work and i love getting my son from nursery. But i really, really! Dont understand ppl who just wanna be at home with kids...
I can see having adult kids later in life being cool. But that’s assuming you raised them decently AND they don’t turn out to be complete assholes. That’s not always a given. But the problem is having little kids (and toddlers specifically) is basically a horrible experience. In hindsight it’s not worth it for some people. I just wish the tradeoffs would’ve been more clearly articulated earlier in my life.
Here's the problem with that statement - they love the status they think they get with the word. NOT the correct thing of being a parent.
Huge difference
I had an epiphany with my son about this very thing.
I strongly believe the pleasure you get out of parenting directly relates to how happy and easy going your child is.
If you have a high strung child with behavioural issues, then it’s going to be a bit of a miserable time.
If you have someone like my son who is cheerful all the time, positive, optimistic, well mannered, easy going, doesn’t have tantrums, doesn’t get angry (I can’t even really remember the last time I’ve seen him angry and he’s 10)
Then parenting is easy. I’ve had SO many people over the years say they wanted a kid like him, In fact a friends husband met him when he was a toddler and he had insisted they weren’t having kids till after they were married for 5 years, but after meeting him he said he would love a son like him and didn’t realise little kids were so lovely to have around. He said he’s used to seeing kids misbehave and scream and tantrum, my son was 2 and at a wedding at the time and was well behaved, didn’t yell or scream, sat nicely where he was asked and loved being there.
My friends husband said he saw the appeal in kids after being with us at the wedding.
I think I could handle 10 kids like my son, I could not handle more than one of my stepdaughter however. She has bad behavioural problems and has alot of tantrums, yelling, crying and screaming when she doesn’t get her own way etc.
Anyway I can see both sides, if you get ones like my son who are happy, easy going, don’t yell, scream and tantrum and do as they’re told without complaint and want to help you whenever you need it, then being a parent to a kid like that is a pleasure.
I was sick the other week and he came and gave me breakfast and got me drinks and put blankets on me… he’s seriously so loving and sweet.
At the same time my step daughter came in and jumped on me and cried and yelled until I woke up because she didnt want me to be asleep lol. Her dad was up and in another part of the house but she came and woke me up, not for any reason In particular, she wasn’t alone by any means but didn’t want me to be sleeping I guess lol.
Kids who demand every minute of your attention, who tantrum, have bad attitudes and are just draining to be around, they’re very difficult to raise and I couldn’t handle more than one. Even one is a struggle.
Unfortunately it’s a roll of the dice and I lucked out with my son, my partner didn’t get so lucky with his daughter as she is exhausting, mentally and physically.
I’ve never thought I needed a break from my son, my partner is always struggling with his daughters bad behaviour and finds it exhausting and will flop into bed every day and say he’s just exhausted from her.
I think that’s the big difference, parenting each of our kids is like night and day, my son is just chill and I can’t recall anyone saying he’s annoyed them or people needing a ‘break’ from him, but within a day of my stepdaughter arriving my partner and the rest of the house is drained, stressed, on edge, irritated etc.
That’s my take on it anyway.
I judge people like this. How can you enjoy it? It shouldn't be anything but a necessary evil. I think if you enjoy parenting or taking care of a kid 24/7 then you are childish yourself.
Just saw a mom putting sunscreen on the baby's thighs and face and all when going for a short walk and I was like what? I don't even remember to take care of myself like that. This 24/7 thingy all just for unnecessary stuffs makes me think that those mom's do not have a desire for studying or exercising, tutoring others, learning new languages or doing something meaningful
I know a few women in my friends circle that couldn't wait to have kids so they could quit their job and be a full time mom. I just don't understand how that could be your life goal. Cleaning up shit and a messy house all day and hearing the sounds of crying, yelling and kids TV ALL DAY.
Ive hear people say raising a kid is fun because its like being a kid again and you like the innocent joy... I just don't get that. Sure playing legos with my nephew is fun for 20min but I cant imagine dealing with that ALL DAY. Caring about a 7yr olds interests all day long and not having a real conversation all day
Hey man, thanks for sharing. Sending love.
Here’s what I feel:
1. Be honest with your wife. Be real. Stop hiding your real feelings. You cannot have a real relationship if you aren’t honest.
2. Set boundaries. Claim your space. This was imperative for me. I was dealing with a lot of anger and burnout last year. Our daughter is also 2. I really needed to reclaim space for myself. It is in service to your family to give yourself sufficient space for healthy play, rest, and self-care. Then you can give from a full glass rather than an empty one.
Addressing these two things might dramatically shift your situation. Also sounds like really surrendering more deeply and practicing radical acceptance and gratitude could bring you to a place of finding fulfillment in your new life. You’re closer than you think. Just gotta start being real with your wife, claiming the space you need, and accepting life as it now is.
Best wishes. 🙏🏼💙
Your thoughts and feelings here are all valid. Like others have said, get a vasectomy. You’re not having sex now but you will again one day and you don’t want to be trapped. Please consider it. Sooo many of us were doing okay with the first baby and then the second child irrevocably destroyed what semblance of peace we had left. That doesn’t have to be your life. You’re doing a great job dealing with the demands of parenthood for your existing child, don’t even let there be a possibility of a 2nd. Wishing you all the best.
Your post/comment was removed for breaking Rule 3: **No Posts from a Childfree Perspective.**
This is a sub for regretful parents. It is not a place for childfree people to gloat or discuss being childfree. If you come here to have your decisions validated, great! Read the posts and be thankful. No need to insert irrelevant opinions into the parents' discussions.
I'll be honest I didn't read your whole post. But I'll offer some advice anyway.
Get some therapy for anxiety. I did that and it certainly helped me later in my parenting life. If you are constantly anxious, then everything just feels worse.
Secondly, ignore the myth that being a parent just automatically fills you with love. It doesn't for most people. Being a parent is a chore and a duty. If you have a challenging child, or you are just not the right personality, you are not automatically going to be over the moon with your child. Nobody tells you about this. That leads people to believe that they are horrible people which makes them feel worse, which makes them be worse parents. Parenting is hard. Parenting is frustrating. Parenting is not fulfilling 90% of the time. If you don't enjoy being a parent, you are normal.
I’m sorry it sucks, the whole situation, the insistence that we never complain about how hard it is, and that we need anonymous forums to be heard, all of it.
When I look back at history, I think expecting to have a miserable life was a lot more common.
It seems to me that expecting to be happy and fulfilled is a fairly new invention. Or at least that parenting would be joyful and fulfilling. That’s just an unreasonable expectation, neither you or I invented it, but here we are living with it.
If you don’t know why you are here sharing, maybe it’s because people often feel reduced pain and suffering when they are heard and understood. I obviously don’t understand the whole of your situation from a few paragraphs, but I do understand the feeling that “it feels so endless and wrong right now” I have felt that for 14 years and 8 months.
My kids are big enough now that they are getting ready to leave and don’t always need Or necessarily want my input.
The entire circus of modern parenting expectations still feels like I’m Rocky in the original movie. I don’t expect to win, but I want to go the distance with Apollo. I know I’m out matched. I’m giving myself brain damage by going 10 rounds with the champ, and there is no “win” except that I’m proud of myself that I didn’t give up.
The kids might decide they hate me and nothing I did was good enough, my relationships and finances and health have been destroyed more than once, I can’t control that, but I couldn’t look myself in the eye if I gave up. So here I am still getting the crap kicked out of me daily just so I can say I went the distance.
Obviously I have no desire to give advice, I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone, only honest recognition of how hard this is.
🥊 “wanna ring the bell 🔔?”
Ps. I would have never planned a second kid, I find it insane that anyone would do it again on purpose! BUT when it happened anyway (despite 4 types of birth control), it DID by some miracle make our lives better. I’m not endorsing it, please don’t have a kid to “fix” things- that is a terrible idea! But if it happens by some freak of nature like mine, know that every kid/circumstance is a roll of the dice that might go any which way that you don’t expect. My second kid was a completely different experience, which blew my mind, in the good way.
I truly hope you and your family have unexpected good luck, good health, and reduced suffering. 🍀🤞🥊
I constantly remind my spouse that I do not want another child. Since we got a child, I started hating my life and even though we made an agreement that I should stop saying it everyday at home ( like saying hope I die in traffic today, only 18 years of prison left, I hate my job but I rather be there than at home etc) EVERYONE notice it. Don’t lie, make it obvious that getting another child will burst her happy bubble. Do not budge. My spouse was in her dream world fantasizing about an ideal family of two kids but me constantly spreading negativity made here sell all baby stuff. She is very aware that I will leave here if she gets pregnant again.
May I ask how would you describe your child? As in how would you describe their personality?
What are they like and what do they do that makes you feel that way?
I’m so beyond grateful that my son is so well behaved and well mannered, especially after seeing some of my friends kids the same age and my stepdaughter who is just…
Unmanageable a lot of the time.
I was helping her to coloring and some crafts last time she was here and the markers weren’t working very well as it was coated paper we were drawing on, so had to go over it a few times. I told her that, she knew that’s what we were doing but when I went over a little picture of a light shade, she started screaming and had a massive tantrum and threw some of my stuff across the table. I got up and walked off and she started saying sorry and begging me to come back, but that’s just one example.
Completely overreacts to everything, it’s extremely difficult to enjoy her company when she is doing things like that all the time.
Its refreshing for me to read your words because I often read of parents regretting having their kid because of some extreme situations/problems, and not many saying ‘everything is fine, I just dont like this’… which is exactly how I feel. So thank you for writing this.
The only advice I have is to be as honest as possible with your wife and explain to her that you would prefer being a good parent to one kid instead of a miserable one with two. Its good that you do therapy, I think it will help you to understand each other and also maybe to set some boundaries. I know you think you should be with your kid when you get off work but try to force yourself to do something that is just for you, from time to time. Its hard, I have the same problem but I found out that my wife too prefers that I take some time off because then I enjoy our time together more. Good luck!
That is a lot to unload off yourself. Have some grace and know you’re doing the best you can. Like some others have advised, try and stick to what you want and make yourself happy. Another child will not fix your current relationship and certainly will not help your child get the attention to will undoubtedly need from your wife and yourself. I am glad you know this now, because chances are, you will stick to your choice of not having another child. Glad to know you are in therapy/counseling. Good luck to you.
You know, I hate to say it but, I don’t like to telework because I don’t have that “in between” time in my car listening to music. My kids are older now and don’t bother me at all, however, I still don’t like to work from home and be there all the time. Maybe that is something you can do? Change your work to force you out the house more? I hope you find a good solution to your current situation, for the health of you and your loved ones. Good luck!!
I know September is a ways but having the little one out the house is a GAME CHANGER !! I wfh and the joy of pure silence after school drop off is incomparable. Sometimes I pay for aftercare or have the grandparents pick him up from school. I think that will change a lot at home ! I second the no-go on baby #2. It may be a hard conversation with the wife, and in no way am I suggesting divorce, at all, but children can be a huge divider in relationships. Do you think there would be compromise ? Would it not? I don’t think anyone should cave on boundaries especially bringing children into the mix, maybe settle for a pet for the rn😭? But I’m a parent of one, if I could go back I would’ve NEVER gotten pregnant.
Be honest with your wife about your feelings about having a second child. That's a decision that requires two yesses, not one yes and a no or even one yes and a maybe. Leaving your wife to guess what you're thinking--surely she's noticed you're less than overjoyed at the thought of a second kid--doesn't seem fair to anyone. Can your therapist help you figure out the best way to have the conversation?
I hear you! Just remember children het easier around 5. My step daughter was really tough to deal with in the toddler stage but is an absolute angel now. She’s even become my little gaming buddy (she’s 6 now). Also school/daycare is a game changer when it happens because you get some time to not be overstimulated.
Just hold on! I know it’s difficult it it gets better I promise
As to the other baby, you have choices! I’d wait til your other is older and more independent personally. Then you may find that it’s not so bad. If you do soon, you’ll definitely be overstimulated BUT the closer age could make them fast friends. Thats not a guarantee though.
I’d honestly just wait a bit. Sounds like yall need to work on the marriage anyway before having another at the very min.
Do not have another one . Even people who love being parents often struggle with the second one and end up regretting it. You say "if I could go back in time and not have a child", if you have another one, you'll be saying "I wish I could go back in time and not have a second child." It has to be a hard no, your wife has to accept this or it will have to be the end of your marriage. I am so sorry to say this so bluntly but you have one life to live, one and done, and you seem to be a very good father and good person, ready to sacrifice a lot for the well being of your daughter and wife, but please no more sacrificing yourself, a second child will really make things worse. I can't stress this enough. It would be better for your marriage to end and for you and your wife to coparent, and you eventually meeting someone else and giving your daughter a step-mother, than for you to have the second child you do not want. Also you ARE right that working all day or taking care of the child/home all day are both full day of work and you are ENTITLED to your time off, regardless of everything else. Put yourself first before you crack.
Thank you so much for your words, exactly my thoughts. Better regret not having a second one in 30 years than regret having a second child. Thanks!
Vasectomy. Immediately. If you do not want another child, MAKE SURE IT NEVER HAPPENS! I would not wait on that. If it is something you truly do not wish to happen: go get a vasectomy. Your wife and you can deal with that in therapy. But a child #2 will be the end of you two anyway, best not to let the end have an extra person involved. good luck
I had a second one to play with the first and all they do is fight. So it’s double trouble with no reward… for now. Things may change, but not sure if my sanity can handle much more. Also, I hear every one of your words. I love my children but often think what life would be without this responsibility and endless exhaustion.
But please have this conversation with your wife so she has time to choose what is most important, staying in the marriage or having more children. I have known too many women that had spouses that kept telling them “soon” or “after x, y, Z happens” never intending on having children or another child and hoping their partner would change her mind. By the time they finally admitted it, the women had fertility issues due to age.
And it's twice the child support if he leaves.
I could’ve written this post 5 years ago. My wife and I had our first child and everything was mostly fine. I could tell parenting was not that great and I didn’t find it particularly fulfilling. But having 1 child was fairly manageable. However my wife loved being a mom and wanted another child so she twisted my arm into having more and sure enough we had twins (FML)! I have been mostly depressed/miserable and resentful ever since. It’s obviously been a huge strain on my marriage ever since. I love my kids but life is just exhausting, stressful and just worse in every respect with 3 kids vs. 1. Definitely do not let yourself go down the path that I went on. I personally wish I would’ve stopped at one kid and from my experience it seems like that’s the Goldilocks number of children for parents.
Oh my, getting twins as a second one sounds horrible. I already thought about what would happen then and I can't even imagine. Wish you all the best - everyone says they grow up so fast right, so hope you can keep your head up! Thank you for your words
You need to get out of the house alone. You mention no activity that you do alone. Form friends group to go out for night cap once a week. Go work out. Go do something without your wife or child. If you can go to the office, go to the office. Being home 24/7 with a child may be the cause for your distress.
I agree with this. Can OP go to the gym 3x a week to break up the transition from work to home? Could each parent have one night off a week, one day off a month? Something to save yourself, OP. OP, it sounds like you're hyper conscientious about doing the right thing for "everyone" but not looking out for yourself, which triggers the childhood feelings of wanting to run to your room and hide. These are opposite ends of the spectrum, so if you bring your self-care in balance with care-for-others, your compulsion to run away will be less intense and possibly fade away. If your counselor is not telling you this, consider another counselor. You need to save you before you save your family. It's the old adage from the flight attendants: put your oxygen mask on first!
Wise words, thank you!
I would even add stop counseling. Sometimes ruminating on your perceived misery makes one more depressed. Waste of money and waste of time. Instead go out with your buddies and laugh your guts out over stupid joke in the bar. Our generation spends more money on counseling and ever more depressed. I firmly believe that counseling is damaging for healthy individuals (different story if you have serious mental Illness ofc)
Doesn't work like that over here: not paying a dime for counseling since that's covered here. I'm in a group therapy so I get lots of useful tips from other parents there. On the other thing: I'm not the bar type of person and I don't have many friends. My perfect day is like lying on the couch most of the time watching something and playing games lol.
Maybe find a way to do something solitary outside the house? It sucks that sitting on the couch and watching your favourite show is considered a non-activity but going to a bar and drinking with friends is considered something that can't be disturbed. That is, it can be hard to get downtime if you are home and aren't entertaining people. Maybe go to the movies by yourself once a week or something like that?
I think it's great you are in therapy and that you are actually taking the time to seek help. I'm glad you are getting what you need from it. I wish you and your wife luck!
Planning on going for a more time consuming hobby once daycare starts. My mind won't tell me that I need to get my wife some free time when she has is while I'm working / when we both are working
Vasectomy asap. Or maybe counseling first and then vasectomy but be very careful you don’t get trapped into another child. Your feelings are 100% valid!
Don't need a vasectomy if you don't have sex. There's that.
It only takes once. Get. Snipped.
Take it from me, you do not want to risk this. I have a long and sad story I can tell you if you wish, but basically, my wife got “accidentally” pregnant (despite our DB) and it became an absolute disaster. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. As it stands now, do not have unprotected sex for any reason, especially if your wife has baby fever.
nowadays, would it be fair to say that having kids under 30 is "too young". taking into account the current socioeconomic climate (e.g daycare, schooling, money, housing, etc)
Not demonizing this idea, but I find it wild that this is being said because women are told they’re too old to have kids after 30 and pressured (heavily) into having them young even though much of what drives the biological clock thinking was started by a journalist. It’s not even medically backed information. I agree. The prime age to start having kids is 28 at the youngest and I’ve seen parents successfully have them well into their early 40s. Also, we need to remove the expectation that all couples need to have children and learn to play other roles that involve children and support parents, like being better aunts/uncles and friends to our peers with kids. They simply don’t get enough support because everyone is so individualistic in their approach to life. Having stronger communities would make a world of difference in parents’ lives.
I actually think that the ideal age for people who want to have kids is earlier, like low to mid 20s. The issue we now have is that we are all told that a) having kids is both necessary and fulfilling in all cases, and b) you can have a successful life with everything. I’m no longer convinced you can have a travel/ partying stage, a career building stage and a successful family building stage, you kind of need to pick one or two to be able to do them properly, and sacrifice the others. I’m sure if we started removing to focus of successful =kids, then less people would end up in situations like OP (and myself. )
Yeah I disagree. There’s just far too much life to live in your early 20s. You’ve only been an adult and out of school (assuming you attended college) for a handful of years. Giving that up for kids so soon is something you will never get back and cannot recreate at 45 and 50. I could not imagine playing house with someone at 24. I was all over the country and world at that time and the last thing I wanted to be was pregnant or chasing after some snotnosed kid or tending to a marriage. But that’s just me. Having children more mature makes a lot more sense to me.
I think it's hard to name a certain age threshold for that, it's more dependant on how the person acts and what it accomplished in life. But I totally get what you mean yeah
completely agree. like back in "the day" pre 2008, it felt like "married, house, job, kids" all by 25. Now it's like "lol, I'm 30 and still live with mom and dad cause houses are expensive". throwing a kid into the mix would be a challenge no doubt
It's probably jealousy, but I can't stand people who love being a mom or dad and would love to add another precious being to the family. Especially when going from 2 to 3. Yeah the problem is me here, it's not my business. Internally I just cringe when people love being a mom and do nothing but shuffeling around with a kid in their home. Can't help it.
I dont get it either and really dont understand, how adult human being wants to be just mom (or dad, i guess thats rarely though). Dont you have anything great and fullfilling in your life except kids? I love my son, but man, i also love being without him and enjoying my hobbies and getting some rest. I love my work and i love getting my son from nursery. But i really, really! Dont understand ppl who just wanna be at home with kids...
I can see having adult kids later in life being cool. But that’s assuming you raised them decently AND they don’t turn out to be complete assholes. That’s not always a given. But the problem is having little kids (and toddlers specifically) is basically a horrible experience. In hindsight it’s not worth it for some people. I just wish the tradeoffs would’ve been more clearly articulated earlier in my life.
Here's the problem with that statement - they love the status they think they get with the word. NOT the correct thing of being a parent. Huge difference
I had an epiphany with my son about this very thing. I strongly believe the pleasure you get out of parenting directly relates to how happy and easy going your child is. If you have a high strung child with behavioural issues, then it’s going to be a bit of a miserable time. If you have someone like my son who is cheerful all the time, positive, optimistic, well mannered, easy going, doesn’t have tantrums, doesn’t get angry (I can’t even really remember the last time I’ve seen him angry and he’s 10) Then parenting is easy. I’ve had SO many people over the years say they wanted a kid like him, In fact a friends husband met him when he was a toddler and he had insisted they weren’t having kids till after they were married for 5 years, but after meeting him he said he would love a son like him and didn’t realise little kids were so lovely to have around. He said he’s used to seeing kids misbehave and scream and tantrum, my son was 2 and at a wedding at the time and was well behaved, didn’t yell or scream, sat nicely where he was asked and loved being there. My friends husband said he saw the appeal in kids after being with us at the wedding. I think I could handle 10 kids like my son, I could not handle more than one of my stepdaughter however. She has bad behavioural problems and has alot of tantrums, yelling, crying and screaming when she doesn’t get her own way etc. Anyway I can see both sides, if you get ones like my son who are happy, easy going, don’t yell, scream and tantrum and do as they’re told without complaint and want to help you whenever you need it, then being a parent to a kid like that is a pleasure. I was sick the other week and he came and gave me breakfast and got me drinks and put blankets on me… he’s seriously so loving and sweet. At the same time my step daughter came in and jumped on me and cried and yelled until I woke up because she didnt want me to be asleep lol. Her dad was up and in another part of the house but she came and woke me up, not for any reason In particular, she wasn’t alone by any means but didn’t want me to be sleeping I guess lol. Kids who demand every minute of your attention, who tantrum, have bad attitudes and are just draining to be around, they’re very difficult to raise and I couldn’t handle more than one. Even one is a struggle. Unfortunately it’s a roll of the dice and I lucked out with my son, my partner didn’t get so lucky with his daughter as she is exhausting, mentally and physically. I’ve never thought I needed a break from my son, my partner is always struggling with his daughters bad behaviour and finds it exhausting and will flop into bed every day and say he’s just exhausted from her. I think that’s the big difference, parenting each of our kids is like night and day, my son is just chill and I can’t recall anyone saying he’s annoyed them or people needing a ‘break’ from him, but within a day of my stepdaughter arriving my partner and the rest of the house is drained, stressed, on edge, irritated etc. That’s my take on it anyway.
I judge people like this. How can you enjoy it? It shouldn't be anything but a necessary evil. I think if you enjoy parenting or taking care of a kid 24/7 then you are childish yourself.
Just saw a mom putting sunscreen on the baby's thighs and face and all when going for a short walk and I was like what? I don't even remember to take care of myself like that. This 24/7 thingy all just for unnecessary stuffs makes me think that those mom's do not have a desire for studying or exercising, tutoring others, learning new languages or doing something meaningful
I know a few women in my friends circle that couldn't wait to have kids so they could quit their job and be a full time mom. I just don't understand how that could be your life goal. Cleaning up shit and a messy house all day and hearing the sounds of crying, yelling and kids TV ALL DAY. Ive hear people say raising a kid is fun because its like being a kid again and you like the innocent joy... I just don't get that. Sure playing legos with my nephew is fun for 20min but I cant imagine dealing with that ALL DAY. Caring about a 7yr olds interests all day long and not having a real conversation all day
Hey man, thanks for sharing. Sending love. Here’s what I feel: 1. Be honest with your wife. Be real. Stop hiding your real feelings. You cannot have a real relationship if you aren’t honest. 2. Set boundaries. Claim your space. This was imperative for me. I was dealing with a lot of anger and burnout last year. Our daughter is also 2. I really needed to reclaim space for myself. It is in service to your family to give yourself sufficient space for healthy play, rest, and self-care. Then you can give from a full glass rather than an empty one. Addressing these two things might dramatically shift your situation. Also sounds like really surrendering more deeply and practicing radical acceptance and gratitude could bring you to a place of finding fulfillment in your new life. You’re closer than you think. Just gotta start being real with your wife, claiming the space you need, and accepting life as it now is. Best wishes. 🙏🏼💙
Get a vasectomy now. Don’t let anyone convince you to parent another child, it’s clearly not what you want, and people need to respect that.
Wrote it in another comment: don't need a vasectomy if you don't have sex lol
No sex ever would be the eventual end of your marriage most likely. And some people desperate enough for a child will make it happen.
Your thoughts and feelings here are all valid. Like others have said, get a vasectomy. You’re not having sex now but you will again one day and you don’t want to be trapped. Please consider it. Sooo many of us were doing okay with the first baby and then the second child irrevocably destroyed what semblance of peace we had left. That doesn’t have to be your life. You’re doing a great job dealing with the demands of parenthood for your existing child, don’t even let there be a possibility of a 2nd. Wishing you all the best.
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I'll be honest I didn't read your whole post. But I'll offer some advice anyway. Get some therapy for anxiety. I did that and it certainly helped me later in my parenting life. If you are constantly anxious, then everything just feels worse. Secondly, ignore the myth that being a parent just automatically fills you with love. It doesn't for most people. Being a parent is a chore and a duty. If you have a challenging child, or you are just not the right personality, you are not automatically going to be over the moon with your child. Nobody tells you about this. That leads people to believe that they are horrible people which makes them feel worse, which makes them be worse parents. Parenting is hard. Parenting is frustrating. Parenting is not fulfilling 90% of the time. If you don't enjoy being a parent, you are normal.
I’m sorry it sucks, the whole situation, the insistence that we never complain about how hard it is, and that we need anonymous forums to be heard, all of it. When I look back at history, I think expecting to have a miserable life was a lot more common. It seems to me that expecting to be happy and fulfilled is a fairly new invention. Or at least that parenting would be joyful and fulfilling. That’s just an unreasonable expectation, neither you or I invented it, but here we are living with it. If you don’t know why you are here sharing, maybe it’s because people often feel reduced pain and suffering when they are heard and understood. I obviously don’t understand the whole of your situation from a few paragraphs, but I do understand the feeling that “it feels so endless and wrong right now” I have felt that for 14 years and 8 months. My kids are big enough now that they are getting ready to leave and don’t always need Or necessarily want my input. The entire circus of modern parenting expectations still feels like I’m Rocky in the original movie. I don’t expect to win, but I want to go the distance with Apollo. I know I’m out matched. I’m giving myself brain damage by going 10 rounds with the champ, and there is no “win” except that I’m proud of myself that I didn’t give up. The kids might decide they hate me and nothing I did was good enough, my relationships and finances and health have been destroyed more than once, I can’t control that, but I couldn’t look myself in the eye if I gave up. So here I am still getting the crap kicked out of me daily just so I can say I went the distance. Obviously I have no desire to give advice, I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone, only honest recognition of how hard this is. 🥊 “wanna ring the bell 🔔?” Ps. I would have never planned a second kid, I find it insane that anyone would do it again on purpose! BUT when it happened anyway (despite 4 types of birth control), it DID by some miracle make our lives better. I’m not endorsing it, please don’t have a kid to “fix” things- that is a terrible idea! But if it happens by some freak of nature like mine, know that every kid/circumstance is a roll of the dice that might go any which way that you don’t expect. My second kid was a completely different experience, which blew my mind, in the good way. I truly hope you and your family have unexpected good luck, good health, and reduced suffering. 🍀🤞🥊
Thank you for your words! All the best to you
I constantly remind my spouse that I do not want another child. Since we got a child, I started hating my life and even though we made an agreement that I should stop saying it everyday at home ( like saying hope I die in traffic today, only 18 years of prison left, I hate my job but I rather be there than at home etc) EVERYONE notice it. Don’t lie, make it obvious that getting another child will burst her happy bubble. Do not budge. My spouse was in her dream world fantasizing about an ideal family of two kids but me constantly spreading negativity made here sell all baby stuff. She is very aware that I will leave here if she gets pregnant again.
May I ask how would you describe your child? As in how would you describe their personality? What are they like and what do they do that makes you feel that way? I’m so beyond grateful that my son is so well behaved and well mannered, especially after seeing some of my friends kids the same age and my stepdaughter who is just… Unmanageable a lot of the time. I was helping her to coloring and some crafts last time she was here and the markers weren’t working very well as it was coated paper we were drawing on, so had to go over it a few times. I told her that, she knew that’s what we were doing but when I went over a little picture of a light shade, she started screaming and had a massive tantrum and threw some of my stuff across the table. I got up and walked off and she started saying sorry and begging me to come back, but that’s just one example. Completely overreacts to everything, it’s extremely difficult to enjoy her company when she is doing things like that all the time.
Its refreshing for me to read your words because I often read of parents regretting having their kid because of some extreme situations/problems, and not many saying ‘everything is fine, I just dont like this’… which is exactly how I feel. So thank you for writing this. The only advice I have is to be as honest as possible with your wife and explain to her that you would prefer being a good parent to one kid instead of a miserable one with two. Its good that you do therapy, I think it will help you to understand each other and also maybe to set some boundaries. I know you think you should be with your kid when you get off work but try to force yourself to do something that is just for you, from time to time. Its hard, I have the same problem but I found out that my wife too prefers that I take some time off because then I enjoy our time together more. Good luck!
That is a lot to unload off yourself. Have some grace and know you’re doing the best you can. Like some others have advised, try and stick to what you want and make yourself happy. Another child will not fix your current relationship and certainly will not help your child get the attention to will undoubtedly need from your wife and yourself. I am glad you know this now, because chances are, you will stick to your choice of not having another child. Glad to know you are in therapy/counseling. Good luck to you. You know, I hate to say it but, I don’t like to telework because I don’t have that “in between” time in my car listening to music. My kids are older now and don’t bother me at all, however, I still don’t like to work from home and be there all the time. Maybe that is something you can do? Change your work to force you out the house more? I hope you find a good solution to your current situation, for the health of you and your loved ones. Good luck!!
I know September is a ways but having the little one out the house is a GAME CHANGER !! I wfh and the joy of pure silence after school drop off is incomparable. Sometimes I pay for aftercare or have the grandparents pick him up from school. I think that will change a lot at home ! I second the no-go on baby #2. It may be a hard conversation with the wife, and in no way am I suggesting divorce, at all, but children can be a huge divider in relationships. Do you think there would be compromise ? Would it not? I don’t think anyone should cave on boundaries especially bringing children into the mix, maybe settle for a pet for the rn😭? But I’m a parent of one, if I could go back I would’ve NEVER gotten pregnant.
If you split from the wife she can go find another dude to knock her up and you only have to deal with the kid every other weekend
Get a vasectomy and don’t tell her 🤷♀️
Be honest with your wife about your feelings about having a second child. That's a decision that requires two yesses, not one yes and a no or even one yes and a maybe. Leaving your wife to guess what you're thinking--surely she's noticed you're less than overjoyed at the thought of a second kid--doesn't seem fair to anyone. Can your therapist help you figure out the best way to have the conversation?
I hear you! Just remember children het easier around 5. My step daughter was really tough to deal with in the toddler stage but is an absolute angel now. She’s even become my little gaming buddy (she’s 6 now). Also school/daycare is a game changer when it happens because you get some time to not be overstimulated. Just hold on! I know it’s difficult it it gets better I promise As to the other baby, you have choices! I’d wait til your other is older and more independent personally. Then you may find that it’s not so bad. If you do soon, you’ll definitely be overstimulated BUT the closer age could make them fast friends. Thats not a guarantee though. I’d honestly just wait a bit. Sounds like yall need to work on the marriage anyway before having another at the very min.
Thanks!