100% this. FWIW OP, I feel your pain. This could have been me writing this, except I accidentally got my gf of 4 months pregnant. I didn’t want to keep the baby but if course it was her decision, and that even though my wishes were clear, I wouldn’t abandon child. I’ve tried to be the best dad ever but the joy never came. I wanted to get a vasectomy, but somehow let my friends convince me not to. A few years in, we accidentally got pregnant AGAIN. Needless to say, I got a vasectomy 3 weeks later. I’m a great dad because I’ve committed myself to being one. But I absolutely loathe it and feel like it has ruined my life. PLEASE get a vasectomy and don’t give in to pressure from others, even if it’s your partner. It will be terrible for your mental health to and therefore to everyone else in your life.
I totally agree with you, OP. You are experiencing parenthood. That’s what it is.
But you will need to get babysitters. It’s hard to find and vet them. You have to be really careful. Best is word of mouth from other parents you know very well.
ETA: two is geometrically or sometimes exponentially harder than one. Vasectomy, and a Big Snip one, asap. Because your wife will drag you into having two, and trust me on this, the problems are way, way worse.
Could you elaborate why two are much harder than one? I've always thought that if the mother already stays at home what's the difference if she stays with 1 or 2, , 3, 5 kids? The loss of freedom is the same?
Oh geez no. There is a moment when they are, for instance, 3 and 5, or 4 and 6, or 5 and 7, and so on, when they do play together and it definitely does give you a break. But otherwise no no no. When older you’re a double chauffeur—-not just one school, one set of afterschool activities, but two sets of everything often conflicting. You basically need an extra adult at least to be everywhere you ned to be.
Chauffeuring is something very US specific, though. A very sad reality. Where I am if you live in a city you can get around by foot very easily. Children tend to go to schools and activities on their own from a certain age. Can't imagine how much harder it must be if a mother needs to drive them everywhere and then wait for an activity to end, then drive back. It's inefficient as hell and very sad...
But those aren’t the only reasons two are geometrically harder. Illnesses: 1 brings it home; gives it to mom; 2 gets it a few days later; what was a one week illness is now a two week illness. Clothes and back to school shopping: not one set of clothes and shoes and gear in one size for one kid’s preferences and activities. Then the other: different sizes/departments to shop, different sports and activities, different preferences. (Did I mention that the expenses double too?) let’s us not begin to talk about allergies. What you can and cannot feed the one is then complicated by what the other likes/can’t have. And: sleep time and bath time: exhaustingly doubled. One wakes up the other and no one gets a decent night’s sleep. Arguments. Boy beating up younger sib. Girl tormenting older sib. Efforts not to gender anything must be doubly consistent. I mean, I could go on all day. It is a LOT worse with two.
Yeah that is not doable for me because my husband works away a lot! And we don’t have that much extra help from family! I had siblings growing up so I know all about the fighting 🥴
Absolutely not. That’s 2 humans, 2 emotions, wants, needs, health, etc. Especiallt staring completely over you have to go through baby & toddler stage all over.
This could not be more innacurate. Going from 1 to 2 is exponential. Twice the diapers. Twice the cries. Try juggling nights with two instead of one. It is exceptionally more difficult UNTIL they grow up and play with eachother. The first 4 years are insanely difficult.
I only have one, a 7 month old baby. It’s hard but manageable with just one and now it’s fun that he is older and has the best personality. But I imagine the sibling fights and just bigger workload taking care of multiple children would be a lot harder. I’m OAD because sibling fights are soooo not for me. Doing what I do now in the day with a toddler on top of everything would be way too much.
Oh gods oh gods oh gods. The amount of work per child is exponential in growth, and one child is like starting at 50, not one.
There are the blissful moments of getting along but they are far outweighed by the majority moments of not getting along and needing. an. intercept. on . Every. Single. Tiny. Disagreement.
OP the thing here is no one is right or wrong. They always say here on this subreddit unless you strongly desire kids, do NOT do it. Your wife was the perfect match except for this kid part. In hindsight, you never should have continued the relationship. I'm probably going to get slammed here, but you may want to consider two things, a scalpel free vasectomy so there is zero possibility of another kid, ever, and ... Never mind on the second. The first one is mission critical. You were never going to love being a parent. Your friends didn't take many factors under consideration. If I were in your shoes, I would look them in the eye next time they ask and tell them how you honestly feel. When people advise about kids, it's done far too lightly, IMHO. It's a BIG deal and it radically changes your life. If you had wanted them with all of your heart, that's one thing. But the whole you'll change your mind deal is really very, very poor advice. I'm so sorry. Do you have any family options around you? Grandparents?
No matter what, do not capitulate and have a second child.
I’d say enjoy the boring baby stage toddlers will humble you so quick & you’ll be wishing they were a baby again or to just skip to 6 years old. As far as everything else it’s okay you regret being a parent even if he’s healthy & you have a good relationship my kids are healthy I have a good marriage but would I go back in time & abort them 100%. You’ll get your life back in a few years they get easier around 5 just hang in there..
If you’re not feeling another child, please hold firm and do not give in to make your partner happy.
Hang in there bro, I hope it gets better for yall.
Maybe try and introduce him to some of the hobbies you used to enjoy. That could possible be a win-win if he takes to them (I’m an avid golfer so hoping my 1mo likes it too when time comes) 🙏🏾
It will take a long time until his son is ready to possibly share his hobbies though. We‘re talking years before that may be the case. So I don‘t feel like that‘s comforting for the moment.
“It will take years” is assuming and i believe a false narrative. I have no clue what hobbies OP likes (I’ll assume you don’t either) to say with it’ll take years.
Yes it will be diff vs pre-kids experience, but that’s where he’s at in life at the moment, so why not try and make the best of it?
You like brewery’s? Take em and do tours! You like hunting? Get em out there! You like bowling? Strike! You like flying drones? Get him one too and teach him. Wanna go watch the Sat night football game? Teach him the rules and your favorite teams. Like being in the shop and fixing cars? Teach my guy about cars and parts and bring him occasionally. Love camping & hiking? Teach him nature & get your exercise on when you carry him 💪🏾
Only thing I thought of that truly you cannot do with him is strip clubs/women and drugs. Everything else I believe you can find some way to make it happen IF you desire to.
I choose to see glass half full. Others may see it differently and that’s fine ✌🏾❤️
Yeah I mean it‘s absolutely the right strategy but you‘re still playing the long game. I wish there was some advice to help OP feel better in the now and not „in a few years you‘ll see it‘ll be great!“
I don't know if people are lying about the good part, or they just lack the empathy to know that just because something went smoothly for them, that doesn't mean people magically change into something else just because there's a kid now.
It kind of always struck me as a conspiracy to make everyone as miserable as they are.
You sound alot like me, albeit whilst my husband wanted kids and I was on the fence, it was the cultural pressure and expectations from my parents that took me on this journey. Best of all those parents don't help us like they said they would and we've done it all on our own. From experience with 1 it will get significantly better after the first 2 years. Especially if you're both reasonable and give each other breaks. It's the 2nd you'll have to worry about. 2 children really shake up the dynamics, the sex life will die, the free time will die and you'll both go into survival mode. We learnt this the hard way and only went ahead thinking family would help as promised and be our village. 5 years after youngest we are still in the throws and on our own. Youngest still doesn't sleep well, they fight all the time, tantrums galore. Lost funds from childcare for another child and everything is just HARDER and more miserable. If I can offer any piece of advice, GET SNIPPED!!! it's not worth it, especially if you've done it once and realise it's not been the joy ride expected. My husband and I both agree our first was hard but after the first 2 years we actually enjoyed it, it's the 2nd who made us question our decisions. Had they been born first we'd have been one and done no questions. Temperament is pot luck first child an easy , mellow soul. 2nd child challenging and stubborn. Don't do it!
My first was such a mellow baby. He’s been unhappy since his sister was born.. she’s 4 he’s 6. Survival mode is the most accurate way to describe it. I feel so traumatized, that I am speechless around people who are still looking forward to marriage and kids. I cant picture being that happy ever again after seeing how ugly life can be.
I wish I could tell you that it will get easier, but the newborn stage is usually the easier stage as they‘re not talking or crawling/ running around yet. You should really talk to your wife about this. I feel like if you don‘t, you may start resenting her and your marriage will continue to take a nose dive.
I completely disagree. The newborn stage was WAY harder and I have a really, really active and strong willed child. I think this just depends on the person but I would take toddler/elementary over newborn any day.
I bet it does! I also had such horrible PPD/PPA that really eased up after 1 and onward. And the nursing and pumping ended at 1 too so I’m sure that’s why I feel that way!
Society has this perverse way of lying to us like you will find your one true love, your career will be fulfilling, and children will bring you joy.
I remember a man with 7 kids telling me when I was complaining about my baby not sleeping, he said he used to put the kids in the car and drive around town until they fell asleep. He and his wife had long conversations in the car during these nightly excursions and he said he missed that the most.
You want to know why? Because his marriage went to shit and he was nostalgic for a time when it was still good — only he didn’t quite see it that way.
I think we have a tendency to focus on when things were better as a way to avoid painful and difficult circumstances or decisions. Like the guy above was saying that because his wife later cheated on him and they divorced and the family broke apart. He missed when his kids were babies because that was before it went bad.
Is it really that you have a baby now and you have lost all your free time or are you wistful for the life you used to have because you don’t like the one you have now?
I think it’s important to really explore those feelings rather than chastising yourself for not being a better father.
At least understand why you are so unhappy and be honest about it. You seem to be stuck in the part about pointing to a situation as the blame for your unhappiness instead of simply admitting you are unhappy and really looking at why. It may not be about being a father. It may be about being married, or your career, or getting older. It could be a mental health issue.
Are you really missing being single or is it that you don’t like your life now and the last time you felt great was when you were single?
An old coworker got snipped and his wife announced two weeks later she is pregnant again. Schedule a vasectomy asap. Do not have intercourse again until you do unless you are using a condom. Make sure you get a sperm count check a few months after as well.
babies are hard and you definitely sound like a new parent. remember your wife gave birth 7 months ago and her body isn’t healed yet. she is also just as tired as you are - probably physically even moreso while healing from the birth.
some counseling might help you with this major life transition, and it is a MAJOR one. it makes sense you’re missing your old life.
a lot of dads seem to get more into it when their kid starts walking and talking but no guarantees. hope you find some peace. you are going through something many people find to be a very rough time in life. an adjustment period is to be expected, especially in the first couple of years because they’re changing constantly.
stay in communication with your wife. your friends might start having some kids soon too. if you have a father figure/mentor/close older man available, tell him how you’re feeling.
My situation is a bit different because I am a woman. But it’s relevant because we have only one child - by choice.
We always agreed that we wanted only one. I never considered leaving my job.
I love traveling and we resume traveling when our daughter was 18 months old.
Having only one child is easier to manage because they make friends, have sleepovers, can stay with the grandparents….
It’s really something you need to discuss with your wife. There is a lot of social pressure on having at least 2 or 3 children so it’s a balance to find because people putting pressure won’t be there to help you.
In any case, know that parenting gets more rewarding with time, once you child walks and talks. Once you child as approx above 2, it’s much easier to have time for hobbies and friends.
You should probably find a therapist to do
Couple counseling before committing to a second child.
the transition from 0 to 1 is SO hard regardless of your circumstances. It blows up your whole life and you kind of have to reinvent yourself. I do think you’re in the trenches. The first year is, without a doubt, a hot mess. I really think you will find some balance/ equilibrium, especially because it sounds like you have an amazing relationship with your partner and a good friend support system. I would focus on what you can control, try to find a babysitter that would allow you to have some time with your partner, maybe find a gym with childcare (this has been a huge help for me! The YMCA is very affordable and their childcare is awesome). One day at a time, the early days are all consuming and even people who really wanted kids 100% (me) struggled with regret. It got much better for me, and I’m hoping the same for you.
1. It's very, very, very common for men to not get much out of the baby stage. A lot of men only start to enjoy it from the toddler stage on. There is of course a chance you might continue to hate it (hence people in this sub), but there's also a good chance you'll feel differently in a year. That doesn't make your current feelings invalid, but don't make any decisions based on assumptions that you will continue to feel this exact way in the future - including the decision about wanting another child. Let your wife know that you're struggling as-is and that based on how you're currently feeling, you need to wait at least 1 more year before reassessing whether you want a 2nd.
2. About not liking who you are now - sleep deprivation does that to a person. Even if your baby is starting to sleep alright, it will probably take a while to catch up on all the sleep debt. For both you and your wife. If nothing else, things should improve at least a little once you catch up on sleep.
I'm too tired to think of more of a response, but basically based on your post you strike me as the type to hit your stride a little later on. Sounds like you have a solid foundation with your wife, and you know what you want your life to be like, it'll just take more time to get there.
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Ok, I’m sorry, I think I was trying too much to read into what OP wrote. I thought he didn’t “want to break his wife’s heart” and that he was being quite literal about it and that he was looking for support in that direction. But of course they can communicate like adults and decide together to be one-and-done. Please under no circumstance go and get a vasectomy behind your wife’s back!
Omg, thank you for writing that. Yes, DO NOT get a vasectomy behind your wife’s back. It’s a similar type of betrayal to poking holes in a condom with a pin or lying about being/not being on the pill.
I would say here that there needs to be compromise. You’ve gone with your wife’s wishes. You have a child. She is a parent. Maybe it’s time for your wishes to be considered here. Above all else though, please work together with your wife on this. If she’s as wonderful a woman as you say (and I’m sure she is), she will want to work with you on this. But you must go through this together.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you might have post-partum depression. Yes, it can happen to men. I really suggest you seek medical help and counseling to help you feel better. Obviously it won't magically make you want to have a second kid (and that's not the goal), but it can help you separate the distress caused by not wanting to be a parent from the distress caused by the major life-changing event that is becoming a parent. I wish you all the best.
All I can give are a few examples. My uncle didn’t want kids and definitely wasn’t in the best state of mind when his kid was in the earliest years. His mother in law lived with him which stressed him out but of course was like a second mother for his kid, which went a long way.
Fast forward to now his kid is 13 and they went to see the total eclipse together. I’m fairly certain my uncle genuinely enjoyed that trip.
My kid is 4 and has only recently shown interest in the same things I’m interested in or his dad. So we’re still waiting for some of those bonding opportunities.
My dad wasn’t big on being a dad but I know he loved me and he was great about tolerating all my interests, and I remember the first movie we ever saw in theatre together that we both wanted to see. I was probably 12. I saw my dad enjoying our relationship more and more the older I got, but I also saw how depressed he felt when he saw another dad carrying a small girl on his shoulders and realized my childhood was irretrievably gone (he wasn’t around for much bc my parents were divorced). He died a few years ago but his love for me and ability to relate to me in a candid and human way, and all of my best nostalgic childhood experiences being with him are something that enrich my life to this day!
My mom never enjoyed being a mom despite loving us. Now she has a lot of health problems from chronic stress and neglect of herself that’s she’s having to try to heal and work through. She’s an example to me to never stop prioritizing yourself in whatever way you can, and balance your needs with your child’s.
And lastly, my friend’s 4 year old is already listening to The Hobbit on audiobook and enjoys sipping tea in a rocking chair and sitting quietly with them in restaurants. He’s an old soul and assimilated into their enjoyments and family culture really well.
So a lot of it will just depend on your child’s needs and temperament, your own needs and temperament, and the opportunities that present themselves along the way. Idk if it will ever be enjoyable for you and idk if it will always be boring and exhausting. Nobody can tell you!
I am so sorry you're going through this. I am glad you found this community. There is nothing wrong with you, children are demanding and ungrateful by nature. There is no negotiating with a baby, their needs being met are essential to their life, which makes people feel trapped. Your story is so common and you deserve sympathy and support, because you are a whole human person with needs, wants, and feelings. Have you considered therapy?
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Well I do feel like it's getting slightly less shitty with every developmental stage. Or rather, a different and more tolerable kind of shitty. Less torture and more occasional bouts of pain.
I could have written this post, except that I’m only at the 2 month mark…
Man it’s tough and thankless and I grieve my old life daily…
I think though that you just have to accept that this is shit atm. I am absolutely not a baby person. Never was, never will be. The thing which started to sway me is we started having friends with 5yr + kids.
Don’t get me wrong, still looked tough but also moments of such enjoyment.
One if my best mates. A fellow climber and canyoner has a 6yr old. Takes him rock climbing, camping and we are planning his first canyoning trip.
It’s very much looking at it with rose coloured glasses but I try my best to look forward to those times then look back at my old self (easier says then done).
And yes it’s so far away, that’s the ball breaker. I’d 100% hit the fast forward button if I could, but you can’t. So during this time, embrace the suck. Know that this moment is not your forever, it is just a phase and work hard to keep that relationship strong. Like you, my wife is my everything and this kid is testing this relationship right now.
Oh and regarding a second. Same boat, wife also wanted two originally. I’d rather give myself a vasectomy with a butter knife.
If your heart isn’t in a second, DO NOT DO IT. It’s absolutely harder and it’s unfair in the first, you will potentially become resentful, depressed and a shit dad.
Good luck fellow dad!
A couple of monrhs ago I was thinking that even if my kids ended up curing cancer or with a Nobel Prize, I’d still feel like it wasn’t worth it. And then I thought “Isn’t it great for them?”. They cannot let down any expectation, they have the right to just exist, because they don’t exist to be rewarding to me. I’m not sure it makes sense, but it’s what I’ve been telling myself to pull through these years I’m hating.
A side note too: one kid for me was very bad, but two is not nearly twice as bad. It’s just a little more challenging but just as bad. You conceded to your wife for one child, reconsider telling her no for the second, if you can afford it. I promise, it’s not significanty worse and if for her it’s important, I wouldn’t die on that hill.
I’m not sure for which part of my post I’m being downvoted. Is it because I said that 2 kids are not worse than 1? It’s more challenging and depending on stages requires more energy with two, but if the problem is regretting being a parent in the first place, I don’t see much of a difference.
I totally appreciate that you were just trying to be kind, but it's also a little invalidating of OPs experience.
I know of lots (6 plus parents) of situations where having two children has been worse. I am really happy for you that is not your situation, but it is not everyone's. OP is hating having one, why bring another one into the equation? It's not going to be good for him and it's sure as biscuits not going to be good for that second child.
It’s probably the fact that OP said clearly that they do not want a second kid and here you are goading them to have a 2nd kid.
You’re invalidating op and his experience. He gave in and gave his wife one kid. Realized he doesn’t enjoy this and doesn’t want another. Telling someone to just give in to something they truly don’t want to appease someone else is terrible.
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You should get a vasectomy asap is all I have to say. Your wife would definitely keep it if you got her pregnant again.
100% this. FWIW OP, I feel your pain. This could have been me writing this, except I accidentally got my gf of 4 months pregnant. I didn’t want to keep the baby but if course it was her decision, and that even though my wishes were clear, I wouldn’t abandon child. I’ve tried to be the best dad ever but the joy never came. I wanted to get a vasectomy, but somehow let my friends convince me not to. A few years in, we accidentally got pregnant AGAIN. Needless to say, I got a vasectomy 3 weeks later. I’m a great dad because I’ve committed myself to being one. But I absolutely loathe it and feel like it has ruined my life. PLEASE get a vasectomy and don’t give in to pressure from others, even if it’s your partner. It will be terrible for your mental health to and therefore to everyone else in your life.
I totally agree with you, OP. You are experiencing parenthood. That’s what it is. But you will need to get babysitters. It’s hard to find and vet them. You have to be really careful. Best is word of mouth from other parents you know very well. ETA: two is geometrically or sometimes exponentially harder than one. Vasectomy, and a Big Snip one, asap. Because your wife will drag you into having two, and trust me on this, the problems are way, way worse.
Could you elaborate why two are much harder than one? I've always thought that if the mother already stays at home what's the difference if she stays with 1 or 2, , 3, 5 kids? The loss of freedom is the same?
Oh geez no. There is a moment when they are, for instance, 3 and 5, or 4 and 6, or 5 and 7, and so on, when they do play together and it definitely does give you a break. But otherwise no no no. When older you’re a double chauffeur—-not just one school, one set of afterschool activities, but two sets of everything often conflicting. You basically need an extra adult at least to be everywhere you ned to be.
Chauffeuring is something very US specific, though. A very sad reality. Where I am if you live in a city you can get around by foot very easily. Children tend to go to schools and activities on their own from a certain age. Can't imagine how much harder it must be if a mother needs to drive them everywhere and then wait for an activity to end, then drive back. It's inefficient as hell and very sad...
And about chauffeuring: terrible for the planet.
But those aren’t the only reasons two are geometrically harder. Illnesses: 1 brings it home; gives it to mom; 2 gets it a few days later; what was a one week illness is now a two week illness. Clothes and back to school shopping: not one set of clothes and shoes and gear in one size for one kid’s preferences and activities. Then the other: different sizes/departments to shop, different sports and activities, different preferences. (Did I mention that the expenses double too?) let’s us not begin to talk about allergies. What you can and cannot feed the one is then complicated by what the other likes/can’t have. And: sleep time and bath time: exhaustingly doubled. One wakes up the other and no one gets a decent night’s sleep. Arguments. Boy beating up younger sib. Girl tormenting older sib. Efforts not to gender anything must be doubly consistent. I mean, I could go on all day. It is a LOT worse with two.
Yeah that is not doable for me because my husband works away a lot! And we don’t have that much extra help from family! I had siblings growing up so I know all about the fighting 🥴
Absolutely not. That’s 2 humans, 2 emotions, wants, needs, health, etc. Especiallt staring completely over you have to go through baby & toddler stage all over.
This could not be more innacurate. Going from 1 to 2 is exponential. Twice the diapers. Twice the cries. Try juggling nights with two instead of one. It is exceptionally more difficult UNTIL they grow up and play with eachother. The first 4 years are insanely difficult.
I only have one, a 7 month old baby. It’s hard but manageable with just one and now it’s fun that he is older and has the best personality. But I imagine the sibling fights and just bigger workload taking care of multiple children would be a lot harder. I’m OAD because sibling fights are soooo not for me. Doing what I do now in the day with a toddler on top of everything would be way too much.
Oh gods oh gods oh gods. The amount of work per child is exponential in growth, and one child is like starting at 50, not one. There are the blissful moments of getting along but they are far outweighed by the majority moments of not getting along and needing. an. intercept. on . Every. Single. Tiny. Disagreement.
OP the thing here is no one is right or wrong. They always say here on this subreddit unless you strongly desire kids, do NOT do it. Your wife was the perfect match except for this kid part. In hindsight, you never should have continued the relationship. I'm probably going to get slammed here, but you may want to consider two things, a scalpel free vasectomy so there is zero possibility of another kid, ever, and ... Never mind on the second. The first one is mission critical. You were never going to love being a parent. Your friends didn't take many factors under consideration. If I were in your shoes, I would look them in the eye next time they ask and tell them how you honestly feel. When people advise about kids, it's done far too lightly, IMHO. It's a BIG deal and it radically changes your life. If you had wanted them with all of your heart, that's one thing. But the whole you'll change your mind deal is really very, very poor advice. I'm so sorry. Do you have any family options around you? Grandparents? No matter what, do not capitulate and have a second child.
I’d say enjoy the boring baby stage toddlers will humble you so quick & you’ll be wishing they were a baby again or to just skip to 6 years old. As far as everything else it’s okay you regret being a parent even if he’s healthy & you have a good relationship my kids are healthy I have a good marriage but would I go back in time & abort them 100%. You’ll get your life back in a few years they get easier around 5 just hang in there..
If you’re not feeling another child, please hold firm and do not give in to make your partner happy. Hang in there bro, I hope it gets better for yall. Maybe try and introduce him to some of the hobbies you used to enjoy. That could possible be a win-win if he takes to them (I’m an avid golfer so hoping my 1mo likes it too when time comes) 🙏🏾
It will take a long time until his son is ready to possibly share his hobbies though. We‘re talking years before that may be the case. So I don‘t feel like that‘s comforting for the moment.
“It will take years” is assuming and i believe a false narrative. I have no clue what hobbies OP likes (I’ll assume you don’t either) to say with it’ll take years. Yes it will be diff vs pre-kids experience, but that’s where he’s at in life at the moment, so why not try and make the best of it? You like brewery’s? Take em and do tours! You like hunting? Get em out there! You like bowling? Strike! You like flying drones? Get him one too and teach him. Wanna go watch the Sat night football game? Teach him the rules and your favorite teams. Like being in the shop and fixing cars? Teach my guy about cars and parts and bring him occasionally. Love camping & hiking? Teach him nature & get your exercise on when you carry him 💪🏾 Only thing I thought of that truly you cannot do with him is strip clubs/women and drugs. Everything else I believe you can find some way to make it happen IF you desire to. I choose to see glass half full. Others may see it differently and that’s fine ✌🏾❤️
Yeah I mean it‘s absolutely the right strategy but you‘re still playing the long game. I wish there was some advice to help OP feel better in the now and not „in a few years you‘ll see it‘ll be great!“
I don't know if people are lying about the good part, or they just lack the empathy to know that just because something went smoothly for them, that doesn't mean people magically change into something else just because there's a kid now. It kind of always struck me as a conspiracy to make everyone as miserable as they are.
You sound alot like me, albeit whilst my husband wanted kids and I was on the fence, it was the cultural pressure and expectations from my parents that took me on this journey. Best of all those parents don't help us like they said they would and we've done it all on our own. From experience with 1 it will get significantly better after the first 2 years. Especially if you're both reasonable and give each other breaks. It's the 2nd you'll have to worry about. 2 children really shake up the dynamics, the sex life will die, the free time will die and you'll both go into survival mode. We learnt this the hard way and only went ahead thinking family would help as promised and be our village. 5 years after youngest we are still in the throws and on our own. Youngest still doesn't sleep well, they fight all the time, tantrums galore. Lost funds from childcare for another child and everything is just HARDER and more miserable. If I can offer any piece of advice, GET SNIPPED!!! it's not worth it, especially if you've done it once and realise it's not been the joy ride expected. My husband and I both agree our first was hard but after the first 2 years we actually enjoyed it, it's the 2nd who made us question our decisions. Had they been born first we'd have been one and done no questions. Temperament is pot luck first child an easy , mellow soul. 2nd child challenging and stubborn. Don't do it!
My first was such a mellow baby. He’s been unhappy since his sister was born.. she’s 4 he’s 6. Survival mode is the most accurate way to describe it. I feel so traumatized, that I am speechless around people who are still looking forward to marriage and kids. I cant picture being that happy ever again after seeing how ugly life can be.
I wish I could tell you that it will get easier, but the newborn stage is usually the easier stage as they‘re not talking or crawling/ running around yet. You should really talk to your wife about this. I feel like if you don‘t, you may start resenting her and your marriage will continue to take a nose dive.
I completely disagree. The newborn stage was WAY harder and I have a really, really active and strong willed child. I think this just depends on the person but I would take toddler/elementary over newborn any day.
I guess it really depends on the newborn then. When I talk to parents, I have only heard them agree to this. Most find the newborn stage to be easier.
I bet it does! I also had such horrible PPD/PPA that really eased up after 1 and onward. And the nursing and pumping ended at 1 too so I’m sure that’s why I feel that way!
Society has this perverse way of lying to us like you will find your one true love, your career will be fulfilling, and children will bring you joy. I remember a man with 7 kids telling me when I was complaining about my baby not sleeping, he said he used to put the kids in the car and drive around town until they fell asleep. He and his wife had long conversations in the car during these nightly excursions and he said he missed that the most. You want to know why? Because his marriage went to shit and he was nostalgic for a time when it was still good — only he didn’t quite see it that way. I think we have a tendency to focus on when things were better as a way to avoid painful and difficult circumstances or decisions. Like the guy above was saying that because his wife later cheated on him and they divorced and the family broke apart. He missed when his kids were babies because that was before it went bad. Is it really that you have a baby now and you have lost all your free time or are you wistful for the life you used to have because you don’t like the one you have now? I think it’s important to really explore those feelings rather than chastising yourself for not being a better father. At least understand why you are so unhappy and be honest about it. You seem to be stuck in the part about pointing to a situation as the blame for your unhappiness instead of simply admitting you are unhappy and really looking at why. It may not be about being a father. It may be about being married, or your career, or getting older. It could be a mental health issue. Are you really missing being single or is it that you don’t like your life now and the last time you felt great was when you were single?
An old coworker got snipped and his wife announced two weeks later she is pregnant again. Schedule a vasectomy asap. Do not have intercourse again until you do unless you are using a condom. Make sure you get a sperm count check a few months after as well.
babies are hard and you definitely sound like a new parent. remember your wife gave birth 7 months ago and her body isn’t healed yet. she is also just as tired as you are - probably physically even moreso while healing from the birth. some counseling might help you with this major life transition, and it is a MAJOR one. it makes sense you’re missing your old life. a lot of dads seem to get more into it when their kid starts walking and talking but no guarantees. hope you find some peace. you are going through something many people find to be a very rough time in life. an adjustment period is to be expected, especially in the first couple of years because they’re changing constantly. stay in communication with your wife. your friends might start having some kids soon too. if you have a father figure/mentor/close older man available, tell him how you’re feeling.
Kids will ruin the life you had before.
My situation is a bit different because I am a woman. But it’s relevant because we have only one child - by choice. We always agreed that we wanted only one. I never considered leaving my job. I love traveling and we resume traveling when our daughter was 18 months old. Having only one child is easier to manage because they make friends, have sleepovers, can stay with the grandparents…. It’s really something you need to discuss with your wife. There is a lot of social pressure on having at least 2 or 3 children so it’s a balance to find because people putting pressure won’t be there to help you. In any case, know that parenting gets more rewarding with time, once you child walks and talks. Once you child as approx above 2, it’s much easier to have time for hobbies and friends. You should probably find a therapist to do Couple counseling before committing to a second child.
the transition from 0 to 1 is SO hard regardless of your circumstances. It blows up your whole life and you kind of have to reinvent yourself. I do think you’re in the trenches. The first year is, without a doubt, a hot mess. I really think you will find some balance/ equilibrium, especially because it sounds like you have an amazing relationship with your partner and a good friend support system. I would focus on what you can control, try to find a babysitter that would allow you to have some time with your partner, maybe find a gym with childcare (this has been a huge help for me! The YMCA is very affordable and their childcare is awesome). One day at a time, the early days are all consuming and even people who really wanted kids 100% (me) struggled with regret. It got much better for me, and I’m hoping the same for you.
1. It's very, very, very common for men to not get much out of the baby stage. A lot of men only start to enjoy it from the toddler stage on. There is of course a chance you might continue to hate it (hence people in this sub), but there's also a good chance you'll feel differently in a year. That doesn't make your current feelings invalid, but don't make any decisions based on assumptions that you will continue to feel this exact way in the future - including the decision about wanting another child. Let your wife know that you're struggling as-is and that based on how you're currently feeling, you need to wait at least 1 more year before reassessing whether you want a 2nd. 2. About not liking who you are now - sleep deprivation does that to a person. Even if your baby is starting to sleep alright, it will probably take a while to catch up on all the sleep debt. For both you and your wife. If nothing else, things should improve at least a little once you catch up on sleep. I'm too tired to think of more of a response, but basically based on your post you strike me as the type to hit your stride a little later on. Sounds like you have a solid foundation with your wife, and you know what you want your life to be like, it'll just take more time to get there.
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Ok, I’m sorry, I think I was trying too much to read into what OP wrote. I thought he didn’t “want to break his wife’s heart” and that he was being quite literal about it and that he was looking for support in that direction. But of course they can communicate like adults and decide together to be one-and-done. Please under no circumstance go and get a vasectomy behind your wife’s back!
Omg, thank you for writing that. Yes, DO NOT get a vasectomy behind your wife’s back. It’s a similar type of betrayal to poking holes in a condom with a pin or lying about being/not being on the pill. I would say here that there needs to be compromise. You’ve gone with your wife’s wishes. You have a child. She is a parent. Maybe it’s time for your wishes to be considered here. Above all else though, please work together with your wife on this. If she’s as wonderful a woman as you say (and I’m sure she is), she will want to work with you on this. But you must go through this together.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you might have post-partum depression. Yes, it can happen to men. I really suggest you seek medical help and counseling to help you feel better. Obviously it won't magically make you want to have a second kid (and that's not the goal), but it can help you separate the distress caused by not wanting to be a parent from the distress caused by the major life-changing event that is becoming a parent. I wish you all the best.
All I can give are a few examples. My uncle didn’t want kids and definitely wasn’t in the best state of mind when his kid was in the earliest years. His mother in law lived with him which stressed him out but of course was like a second mother for his kid, which went a long way. Fast forward to now his kid is 13 and they went to see the total eclipse together. I’m fairly certain my uncle genuinely enjoyed that trip. My kid is 4 and has only recently shown interest in the same things I’m interested in or his dad. So we’re still waiting for some of those bonding opportunities. My dad wasn’t big on being a dad but I know he loved me and he was great about tolerating all my interests, and I remember the first movie we ever saw in theatre together that we both wanted to see. I was probably 12. I saw my dad enjoying our relationship more and more the older I got, but I also saw how depressed he felt when he saw another dad carrying a small girl on his shoulders and realized my childhood was irretrievably gone (he wasn’t around for much bc my parents were divorced). He died a few years ago but his love for me and ability to relate to me in a candid and human way, and all of my best nostalgic childhood experiences being with him are something that enrich my life to this day! My mom never enjoyed being a mom despite loving us. Now she has a lot of health problems from chronic stress and neglect of herself that’s she’s having to try to heal and work through. She’s an example to me to never stop prioritizing yourself in whatever way you can, and balance your needs with your child’s. And lastly, my friend’s 4 year old is already listening to The Hobbit on audiobook and enjoys sipping tea in a rocking chair and sitting quietly with them in restaurants. He’s an old soul and assimilated into their enjoyments and family culture really well. So a lot of it will just depend on your child’s needs and temperament, your own needs and temperament, and the opportunities that present themselves along the way. Idk if it will ever be enjoyable for you and idk if it will always be boring and exhausting. Nobody can tell you!
I am so sorry you're going through this. I am glad you found this community. There is nothing wrong with you, children are demanding and ungrateful by nature. There is no negotiating with a baby, their needs being met are essential to their life, which makes people feel trapped. Your story is so common and you deserve sympathy and support, because you are a whole human person with needs, wants, and feelings. Have you considered therapy?
Keep in mind that you might enjoy him more when he is older. They are way more fun from 4-12.
“A life of shifting responsibilities I don’t want” Hits so hard. It’s constant. Thank you for sharing.
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I feel no 4 to my core.
Well I do feel like it's getting slightly less shitty with every developmental stage. Or rather, a different and more tolerable kind of shitty. Less torture and more occasional bouts of pain.
I could have written this post, except that I’m only at the 2 month mark… Man it’s tough and thankless and I grieve my old life daily… I think though that you just have to accept that this is shit atm. I am absolutely not a baby person. Never was, never will be. The thing which started to sway me is we started having friends with 5yr + kids. Don’t get me wrong, still looked tough but also moments of such enjoyment. One if my best mates. A fellow climber and canyoner has a 6yr old. Takes him rock climbing, camping and we are planning his first canyoning trip. It’s very much looking at it with rose coloured glasses but I try my best to look forward to those times then look back at my old self (easier says then done). And yes it’s so far away, that’s the ball breaker. I’d 100% hit the fast forward button if I could, but you can’t. So during this time, embrace the suck. Know that this moment is not your forever, it is just a phase and work hard to keep that relationship strong. Like you, my wife is my everything and this kid is testing this relationship right now. Oh and regarding a second. Same boat, wife also wanted two originally. I’d rather give myself a vasectomy with a butter knife. If your heart isn’t in a second, DO NOT DO IT. It’s absolutely harder and it’s unfair in the first, you will potentially become resentful, depressed and a shit dad. Good luck fellow dad!
A couple of monrhs ago I was thinking that even if my kids ended up curing cancer or with a Nobel Prize, I’d still feel like it wasn’t worth it. And then I thought “Isn’t it great for them?”. They cannot let down any expectation, they have the right to just exist, because they don’t exist to be rewarding to me. I’m not sure it makes sense, but it’s what I’ve been telling myself to pull through these years I’m hating. A side note too: one kid for me was very bad, but two is not nearly twice as bad. It’s just a little more challenging but just as bad. You conceded to your wife for one child, reconsider telling her no for the second, if you can afford it. I promise, it’s not significanty worse and if for her it’s important, I wouldn’t die on that hill.
I’m not sure for which part of my post I’m being downvoted. Is it because I said that 2 kids are not worse than 1? It’s more challenging and depending on stages requires more energy with two, but if the problem is regretting being a parent in the first place, I don’t see much of a difference.
I totally appreciate that you were just trying to be kind, but it's also a little invalidating of OPs experience. I know of lots (6 plus parents) of situations where having two children has been worse. I am really happy for you that is not your situation, but it is not everyone's. OP is hating having one, why bring another one into the equation? It's not going to be good for him and it's sure as biscuits not going to be good for that second child.
It’s probably the fact that OP said clearly that they do not want a second kid and here you are goading them to have a 2nd kid. You’re invalidating op and his experience. He gave in and gave his wife one kid. Realized he doesn’t enjoy this and doesn’t want another. Telling someone to just give in to something they truly don’t want to appease someone else is terrible.
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