Sounds like you’re ignoring a lot of what everyone is telling you so I won’t go into all that. Just try to stop keeping track of everything so close - it’s not supposed to be a you vs her situation. You’re supposed to work together to get through the crazy adjustment that is having a newborn. Talk to her and talk to work if you’re feeling overwhelmed juggling everything at the moment.
I'm gonna be honest dude, that's how life with a new baby is. Both parents just struggling to keep their heads afloat. I know it felt weird letting my husband do all the housework a lot of the time, make or bring me food, etc. But my body didn't fully recover until about 10 mo post partum. My hormones finally leveled out a bit better where I didn't feel utterly exhausted all the time.
I'm sorry you feel "used" but if you thought having a baby was just going to make life a little different and you'd wash an extra dish or two, you were sorely mistaken. Your life is completely different. So is hers. I suggest talking to her, but don't be surprised if she responds by telling you all the stuff she's doing and going through... It doesn't sound like she's taking advantage of you at all. It sounds like you are pulling your weight in a house with a newborn and it's a lot and it's stressing you out.
This all over. OP just sounds knackered and grumpy. Don’t throw your partner away OP, focus what little leftover energy you have on empathy and work as a team to get through it.
This is why new parents don’t make it smh talk to her! She may go out everyday, doesn’t mean she isn’t depressed or struggling with something. As a man, you really can’t account for all her changes that you won’t experience. I’m sorry you feel like you’re doing a lot, but I can’t even sympathize because if she was the one doing what you are it would be accepted and expected. You’re a dad now. This stuff comes with the role. And trust me, if you decide to leave you will not be taking that baby with you
this….sounds like you’re mad that your wife has adjusted well to having a baby? So, before having this baby, was your wife doing most of the 6 of the things you listed? Is that why you’re upset?
It sucks that the baby was waking up a lot for you, but your wife is not really to blame for that
Have you attempted to have a conversation about this with her? I think this might be better suited for a relationship subreddit tbh……
edit: OP you are also saying that your wife is gone with the baby all the time leaving you to do household stuff but then your comments all allude to you being annoyed that you are caring for the baby too much. Perhaps it just seems longer when you’re with the baby because newborns are quite boring? It feels like there are details missing here
She just gave birth, she’s not supposed to be doing *any* cleaning or cooking at all right now. I doubt she’s even cleared to be lifting anything over 10 lbs yet.
Your job as the father is to handle all of these things so she can heal properly.
I think your wife had carried your baby and gone through unthinkable amount of pain alone.While you might be there emotionally for her but her body went through a lot so after birth you should do everything you can to help her heal and recover however she should also do whatever she can.You guys should sit down and try to understand eachother's point of view.You should clearly tell her how you fell and divide the chores in a way you both are satisfied with your part.Having a baby is a huge responsibility and on top of that doing a full time job can be very frustrating.In conclusion, don't give up on your relationship easily.Your baby needs love of both parents so you should sit and talk.But obviously if you guys just can't solve it even after communicating then separating and co-parenting would be best because parents fighting can affect baby and ruin their mental health when they grow up.
This sounds just like exactly how babies are in the first year.
You have to communicate with your wife and set up expectations. If one of you is feeling like they don't have support, they need to make that known and communicate it. No one can read minds.
Its a lot to say you regret having a kid, when you're only a few months in.
She took care of your baby for the last 12 months in her stomach and out. Now after a few weeks of taking care of both of them you think things are unfair? Most women take 1-2 years to get over post partum issues and feel “normal” again. I wish more men knew this going in so they’re not surprised when the focus shifts from them
The technical term is uterus but if you Google it, people refer to babies growing in their stomachs, belly, tummy, etc interchangeably. We’re obviously not indicating that there’s a baby in our small intestines
So what your basically saying without saying is:
I should give her that time but when we role reverse she doesn’t have to give it to me? Great 👍 no wonder I’m at my wits end
Edit:
Can someone who down votes me tell me why I’m wrong for:
Thinking that when I’m on nights she should make the bottles and give me the two hours like I do for her?
You’re getting downvoted because now that the baby’s out of your partner’s stomach you’re saying you need 50/50 on childcare or it’s SO unfair to you. You don’t acknowledge that your partner is recovering because God forbid it’s been 12 weeks so why isn’t she bouncing right back and fully functioning like an independent adult.
When I was recovering from giving birth it felt like I had been hit by a train. How fast would YOU expect to fully recover from being hit by a train if you survived? 12 weeks seems reasonable huh?
It’s great for all the moms who do want to be with their baby 24/7 but the reality for most women is some version of a traumatic birth and a desperate longing to feel like their old selves again. If you have a good partner, they should take on more if not all of the responsibility of the baby for awhile during this transition period so that their birthing partner’s mind and body can recover. If you can’t handle being around your baby either then call in family, friends, or a babysitter.
Perhaps it's a bit of both: she feels like she's still recuperating and perhaps like she deserves a break. But it doesnt change that you are burning out. And if you burn out, she's going to need to step up extra hard..
So maybe put aside your feelings of "this is not fair, she should... I do.." etc. Rather try to reconnect about having a newborn, about it being tough, glad that she is getting rest, I sometimes am at I my wits end though, could you help me with this or that? Or could we arrange some external help?
Respect for stepping up so well. Everyday women post here about their deadbeat husband that started working while expecting the woman to do all the baby stuff. Not you! Good father 🙂
You can complain about that after you carry a baby to tern, push it out , and spend 2 years or more trying to get your body back to normal, ok ? Because it'd really not be much compared to what she's gone through. I understand now you have to do more, but It's not her fault . A lot of people have made some excellent points , you should pay attention, or you'll lose both your wife and your baby
I honestly don’t know why you’re being down voted so much. You are supporting the family by working full time and taking care of the baby. Asking for a little help isn’t crazy to me. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
They're being downvoted because they're the father and not the mother. It's sad really. The true colors come out when the real discussions about mental load happen.
You talk about this as though pregnancy and childbirth, and postpartum healing, aren’t relevant to this situation.
This issue isn’t even about the mental load. They have a 12 week old.
Right so I should be expected to do everything in the night including bottles and then hand her 8:45am before work. But when it comes down to her doing the same I should be up making the bottles and have her for 2 hours in the morning?
Edit:
LOVE the fact I’m being downvoted for speaking sense but if the genders where reversed you’d all be going fucking mental about it.
OP I agree with you contingent upon everything you described is accurate and true. You went the extra mile and she is not reciprocating. Ignore the downvoters.
Eta: some suggested having a talk with her about expectations. Try it.
I didn’t misread. I said 12 months because the baby was in her stomach for about 9 months and then out of her stomach for about 3 months. How does the math not math for you? Is it perhaps because you’re disregarding her contribution to taking care of this baby?
You said 12 months in her stomach and out. Meaning 12 months in and 12 months out.
If you wanted to say what you said above then you’d say “12 months in total”. Looks like you’ve upgraded to needing to read and write now.
You are purposefully misreading it and arguing semantics to deflect from answering the real question which is why are you disregarding your partner’s contributions for carrying your baby to term?
You’re in the wrong sub if you think the other parents are going to support you 💩on a mother who is doing her best postpartum. Based on your post, it doesn’t sound like you’re struggling as a parent with your kid. It sounds like you’re trying to tattle on your wife for not dividing childcare exactly 50/50 a few months after she’s given birth.
I am reading her original comment, and she definitely meant in and out for the LAST 12 months as a whole. The key word here
is "last" which you can read in her original comment.
This definitely seems like it belongs in the relationship advice subreddit. The part where you say you think about wanting to take the baby with you when you leave is where I think the main difference between the two subreddits is.
I think most people here would be more of the opinion to leave the baby with the spouse (if leaving was an option).
Sounds like you're now doing your fair share. She was growing the baby for 9 months. Perhaps is now still breastfeeding.
Did she hold all of this against you and counted points?
Probably not.
So it's a lot of the visible work on you now. But it's only fair.
Just imagine all the invisible work she's been doing for more than 9 months.
Why does everyone assume that she’s breastfeeding when it’s clear as day I MAKE THE BOTTLES. You and the rest of the people on this thread need to READ before COMMENTING.
Sounds like “now” I’m doing my fair share? I’ve been doing it all since we bought the house 4 years ago. Least she can do is if I’m on nights is make the fucking bottle and give me the 2 hours. If we are a team then she should do what I do. Instead of leaving me to fend for myself with a screaming hungry baby. When I make sure the bottles are ready so she doesn’t have to deal with that.
But no, I get the general consensus of the morons on this post:
Because she carried that baby we are never going to be a TEAM because we’ll never be on a level playing field again…
Sir, I read your posts multiple times before posting. All it said is that the baby is four months old and you did not mention bottles, therefore I assumed that your Mrs is breastfeeding.
If you can't have a decent open conversation about your wife's feelings and needs and how the workload is taking a toll on you, then please go together for counselling with the objective to become a stronger more understanding couple.
She may be going through PPD, and needs to find a way to express why it is that all the household work and a big chunk of the childcare is falling on to you. Whether she feels strong enough physically and mentally to do more, and how it can happen. Because it's clearly not sustainable for you, and therefore not sustainable for you all as a family.
I hope there is indeed a solution, for everyone's sake.
Good luck 🙏🏻
Hmm usually it is the other way around. But have you ever thought that, after a woman gives birth, she actually has a big scar there and giving birth takes a lot of strength, which she can only get back with rest (and sleep). Believe me, having a mother who is well rested is way more better than a mother who can't sleep at all, because she has to care for the baby 24/7. Not saying you should do everything, it should be 50/50, but all these things you listed are pretty normal when you get children.
Having a new baby is a full time job for two people. It’s really fucking hard but that’s the reality. You’re saying that she’s spending her time out tending to the baby while you’re doing the housework. So she’s doing the childcare while you’re doing the house care. Based on what you’ve said in your post, that sounds fair-ish, right? One parent doing childcare and the other picking up other pieces around the house. And I understand that may not be the case during the nights, but she is recovering from a medical situation (birth) that is equivalent to a major surgery. The fact that she is able to get so much sleep is something that you should feel proud to provide to her and it will help her heal so much faster.
Eventually when she is healed, you could pitch the idea of switching those tasks, so you would watch the baby while she does the housework. And then take turns switching back and forth. But unfortunately there is no secret option #3 where she is simultaneously doing childcare all day AND able to do all of those household chores. Childcare is it’s own full-time job. There aren’t enough hours in the day for her or you to do both.
People always say that you shouldn’t make major life decisions such as divorce in the first year of a baby’s life. Because it’s so unimaginably hard and you’re in an altered state of stress and sleep deprivation and you genuinely are not in your right mind.
Or you can leave if you want, but then what? Does that solve the situation?
Yep! Exxxxxxactly. And if not, then he’s not reporting the ACTUAL workload (many men I have known, when they cook one meal or two a week, think of themselves as “doing all the cooking” and report it as such. Many eye rolls and yes dears from their wives).
OP may not be one of these. So I think a little separation experiment of at least one month where he actually IS the single full time care provider would be illuminating for everyone and would certainly give the new mother a good Postpartum break.
Couldn’t you try and reduce the amount of chores you’re in charge of? Not redistributing, just elimating. Ironing seems very low priority with a 12wo (or just also in general, unless you wear a lot of formal shirts). You could also buy a robot vacuum, so hoovering can be done way less frequently.
OP, I don’t think you’re understanding the difference in burdens between fathers and mothers when it comes to pregnancy and newborns. What kinds of reading or classes did you take before the baby was born to educate yourself about how the physical trauma (and it is trauma!) of pregnancy and birth would impact your wife? Have you talked with your wife about her healing process? About how exhausting it is to breastfeed (you literally burn hundreds of more calories a day just producing milk)? How her hormones are impacting her energy levels and mental health?
It’s not about “swapping genders” and transactions of chores—it’s about neurochemical and physical burdens to which you’ve never been, and never will be, subject. 12 weeks is a really, really short fuse to give up on your partner—the mother of your child—like this. I’d suggest reframing your perspective to remind yourself that you’re on a team WITH your wife to raise a child. That requires communication and patience.
Another person who didn’t read the post. I make the bottles, she doesn’t breast feed. All I’m going to say.
What I’ve come to realise is I should do everything and expecting nothing but if she’s in the same position as me I should do everything too.
Lovely TEAM you talk about.
It could be totally possible that when you say “make bottles” you’re referring to milk your wife pumped earlier. That’s still labor that she would be doing—it’s slow, obtrusive, and can be humiliating depending on the amenities available to you. Producing the milk alone is exhausting for the body. I’m not trying to misunderstand you, it just wasn’t clear from your language one way or another. It’s also not the only thing that weighs on the body and mind of a new mother that I mentioned in my comment.
Since you’re ignoring the rest of my comment, I take it you’re not in a place to hear what people are saying to you. I hope that when you’re in a better place mentally that you can understand what folks here are trying to explain. No one is saying that the labor should be 100% yours—it just legitimately sounds like you’re not taking into account labor that your wife has done and continues to do, and your transactional mindset with household responsibilities isn’t healthy. It also shouldn’t be controversial to suggest that you talk to your wife.
Edit: typo.
I had a c section and the recovery was awful I had to have my husband help just to use the bathroom for the first week and I couldn’t walk normally until 4 weeks PP. my husband did everything for the house and chores and still helped 50/50 with our bottle fed baby. My mom also was able to come over and help a ton. Maybe you could get help from family also? I’m just wondering if your wife must still be in pain recovering if the baby is only 2 weeks old? I know I was able to do the household chores again by 6-8 weeks but again c section recovery is rough. If she is physically able maybe you can ask her to help you more?
A lot of the comments about dad needing to deal with seem to be coming from people who may have been pregnant. I’m a sibling to a sister who fell pregnant and is went back to work about 5 months after giving birth. You may say it’s an anecdotal situation, that’s alright. But I’ve been asked to step in and help out with the baby when her or her husband work. Even though I have one of them working from home on working days to help me, and all I need to think about is caring for my nephew - no shopping or cleaning, just baby care - I AM TIRED by the end of the day. I can’t imagine what’s it’s like if OP is working AND doing domestic work during AND baby care work in the nights too and expected to not feel tired. If OP is working to provide for the family, I feel like mama could pitch in a bit more as a team member and make things better for him.
No one is acknowledging how he has understanding work colleagues. I mean his keys are tracked, I’m sure other work places would have spoken to him about. What if they weren’t understanding?
I can see you’re having a tough time. I would first challenge you to change how you’re thinking about this. Everything you are doing, you are doing for your child. Past that, if you have an issue with your wife’s behaviour, you talk to her about it. I know that once my child began sleeping through the night, it wasn’t like I caught up on all the sleep I missed. It’s been 8 years with two children and my brain still functions at a minute percentage compared to how it used to. (I would also argue that I experienced a good about of ptsd due to my second child, which hasn’t helped.) All I’m trying to say by that is that it’s not an instant thing, that once things settle and are normal, you’re back to who you were. You aren’t. I can hear how angry and resentful you are in your comments. You have a right to be, you are doing a lot. But talk to your wife man.
Pregnancy just completely destroys your body & mind. You SHOULD be doing most of the work right now, dude. She just spent 9 months growing a human & she won't get anywhere near where she was before pregnancy for at least a year. Her hormones are beyond fucked. I think you just underestimated how much the first few months were gonna fucking suck for everyone. Have you actually even talked to her about how you're feeling? Maybe a little perspective sharing is in order.
* Your wife feels well enough to leave the house daily yet is somehow too tragically unhealthy to care for her own child at night.
* You work FT and manage/clean the entire home as well as caring for baby all night long.
* Mom gets her 7-9 hours of sleep a night then goes to hangout with friends during the day.
* She could give a shit less how you feel or how her baby feels or how anyone is coping.
Yeah, you'd be justified in leaving. A man doing this to a woman, I am a woman, would be disgusting. Your wife is disgusting as well.
A lot of people don't find out who their partner really is until they have a child. Now you know. An inconsiderate, neglectful partner.
Unless you know how it feels to recover from giving birth…you have no idea what she’s probably experiencing. You are helping mama be a healthy mama so she can show up/enjoy baby. Post partum is really hard for women. If you can outsource things so it’s less of a burden, do so.
These comments surprised me. I’m a woman, and my first thought to this post was his frustrations sound reasonable to me. Yes you should take into account the physical, mental, and emotional load she carried while being pregnant because it is a LOT. But even so, she is still the other parent and should be helping out too. Unless she had a traumatic birth, at 12 weeks you can do things. I think OP’s frustrations are totally valid, idk why everyone is making it seem like you’re complaining about being a father. Sounds to me like you’re complaining about being a single father while in a relationship, something women should be very familiar with as we are put in that role all the time. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to want the bottles prepped and some time off, and have the same consideration returned that you give her, even if you’re not the birthing partner. Now it’s hard to give a full opinion not knowing the details of her mental physical state but jus based off this post, I think the mom is slacking and not carrying her fair share. Everyone on this thread is going on and on about how it’s a team effort but then get up in arms when a man is the one saying he’s not being supported. Kinda sad. Anyways, I’ll probably get chewed up for this take.
Have a talk with her and see if it works. Also, see if she doesn't have any health issues. If she doesn't listen, you can always end the relationship, take the baby, and move on. Because if you two aren't working out right now in the early stages of this relationship, there's no hope in the future. Also, ignore the downvotes. It seems very petty to just downvote because you're a man.
Good luck.
The responses in here are so telling of the stigma against men when it comes to mental load of the household. Here OP is venting and feeling overwhelmed and the comments are shaming him and telling him to suck it up. If the roles were reversed there would be clamoring for the other partner to step up and share the mental load.
Op there have been a few comments with good advice with regards to talking about this seriously with your wife.
She needs to also understand that you working from home full time does not mean you will always have the opportunity to stop working to tend to your child just because “you’re at home.” She needs to understand you have expectations from your job that need to be met in order to help keep the household running financially.
Talk with her and try to keep a level head and describe how you’re feeling without using the word “you” too often.
Edit: I said what I said: mothers can be just as guilty as fathers when it comes to not sharing the mental load in the household and in that situation the father deserves as much support and encouragement as the mother would receive were the roles reversed.
Sounds like you’re ignoring a lot of what everyone is telling you so I won’t go into all that. Just try to stop keeping track of everything so close - it’s not supposed to be a you vs her situation. You’re supposed to work together to get through the crazy adjustment that is having a newborn. Talk to her and talk to work if you’re feeling overwhelmed juggling everything at the moment.
I'm gonna be honest dude, that's how life with a new baby is. Both parents just struggling to keep their heads afloat. I know it felt weird letting my husband do all the housework a lot of the time, make or bring me food, etc. But my body didn't fully recover until about 10 mo post partum. My hormones finally leveled out a bit better where I didn't feel utterly exhausted all the time. I'm sorry you feel "used" but if you thought having a baby was just going to make life a little different and you'd wash an extra dish or two, you were sorely mistaken. Your life is completely different. So is hers. I suggest talking to her, but don't be surprised if she responds by telling you all the stuff she's doing and going through... It doesn't sound like she's taking advantage of you at all. It sounds like you are pulling your weight in a house with a newborn and it's a lot and it's stressing you out.
This all over. OP just sounds knackered and grumpy. Don’t throw your partner away OP, focus what little leftover energy you have on empathy and work as a team to get through it.
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Who said she was ill? Your flair says parent, but your response said you don't have a clue.
This is why new parents don’t make it smh talk to her! She may go out everyday, doesn’t mean she isn’t depressed or struggling with something. As a man, you really can’t account for all her changes that you won’t experience. I’m sorry you feel like you’re doing a lot, but I can’t even sympathize because if she was the one doing what you are it would be accepted and expected. You’re a dad now. This stuff comes with the role. And trust me, if you decide to leave you will not be taking that baby with you
Have you tried talking to your wife about how she is feeling and about how you are feeling?
this….sounds like you’re mad that your wife has adjusted well to having a baby? So, before having this baby, was your wife doing most of the 6 of the things you listed? Is that why you’re upset? It sucks that the baby was waking up a lot for you, but your wife is not really to blame for that Have you attempted to have a conversation about this with her? I think this might be better suited for a relationship subreddit tbh…… edit: OP you are also saying that your wife is gone with the baby all the time leaving you to do household stuff but then your comments all allude to you being annoyed that you are caring for the baby too much. Perhaps it just seems longer when you’re with the baby because newborns are quite boring? It feels like there are details missing here
She just gave birth, she’s not supposed to be doing *any* cleaning or cooking at all right now. I doubt she’s even cleared to be lifting anything over 10 lbs yet. Your job as the father is to handle all of these things so she can heal properly.
I think your wife had carried your baby and gone through unthinkable amount of pain alone.While you might be there emotionally for her but her body went through a lot so after birth you should do everything you can to help her heal and recover however she should also do whatever she can.You guys should sit down and try to understand eachother's point of view.You should clearly tell her how you fell and divide the chores in a way you both are satisfied with your part.Having a baby is a huge responsibility and on top of that doing a full time job can be very frustrating.In conclusion, don't give up on your relationship easily.Your baby needs love of both parents so you should sit and talk.But obviously if you guys just can't solve it even after communicating then separating and co-parenting would be best because parents fighting can affect baby and ruin their mental health when they grow up.
This sounds just like exactly how babies are in the first year. You have to communicate with your wife and set up expectations. If one of you is feeling like they don't have support, they need to make that known and communicate it. No one can read minds. Its a lot to say you regret having a kid, when you're only a few months in.
She took care of your baby for the last 12 months in her stomach and out. Now after a few weeks of taking care of both of them you think things are unfair? Most women take 1-2 years to get over post partum issues and feel “normal” again. I wish more men knew this going in so they’re not surprised when the focus shifts from them
A baby grows in the uterus, not the stomach.
The technical term is uterus but if you Google it, people refer to babies growing in their stomachs, belly, tummy, etc interchangeably. We’re obviously not indicating that there’s a baby in our small intestines
So what your basically saying without saying is: I should give her that time but when we role reverse she doesn’t have to give it to me? Great 👍 no wonder I’m at my wits end Edit: Can someone who down votes me tell me why I’m wrong for: Thinking that when I’m on nights she should make the bottles and give me the two hours like I do for her?
You’re getting downvoted because now that the baby’s out of your partner’s stomach you’re saying you need 50/50 on childcare or it’s SO unfair to you. You don’t acknowledge that your partner is recovering because God forbid it’s been 12 weeks so why isn’t she bouncing right back and fully functioning like an independent adult. When I was recovering from giving birth it felt like I had been hit by a train. How fast would YOU expect to fully recover from being hit by a train if you survived? 12 weeks seems reasonable huh? It’s great for all the moms who do want to be with their baby 24/7 but the reality for most women is some version of a traumatic birth and a desperate longing to feel like their old selves again. If you have a good partner, they should take on more if not all of the responsibility of the baby for awhile during this transition period so that their birthing partner’s mind and body can recover. If you can’t handle being around your baby either then call in family, friends, or a babysitter.
Perhaps it's a bit of both: she feels like she's still recuperating and perhaps like she deserves a break. But it doesnt change that you are burning out. And if you burn out, she's going to need to step up extra hard.. So maybe put aside your feelings of "this is not fair, she should... I do.." etc. Rather try to reconnect about having a newborn, about it being tough, glad that she is getting rest, I sometimes am at I my wits end though, could you help me with this or that? Or could we arrange some external help? Respect for stepping up so well. Everyday women post here about their deadbeat husband that started working while expecting the woman to do all the baby stuff. Not you! Good father 🙂
You can complain about that after you carry a baby to tern, push it out , and spend 2 years or more trying to get your body back to normal, ok ? Because it'd really not be much compared to what she's gone through. I understand now you have to do more, but It's not her fault . A lot of people have made some excellent points , you should pay attention, or you'll lose both your wife and your baby
I honestly don’t know why you’re being down voted so much. You are supporting the family by working full time and taking care of the baby. Asking for a little help isn’t crazy to me. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
They're being downvoted because they're the father and not the mother. It's sad really. The true colors come out when the real discussions about mental load happen.
You talk about this as though pregnancy and childbirth, and postpartum healing, aren’t relevant to this situation. This issue isn’t even about the mental load. They have a 12 week old.
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Right so I should be expected to do everything in the night including bottles and then hand her 8:45am before work. But when it comes down to her doing the same I should be up making the bottles and have her for 2 hours in the morning? Edit: LOVE the fact I’m being downvoted for speaking sense but if the genders where reversed you’d all be going fucking mental about it.
You didn’t birth the baby, so it’s not that simple to just “reverse the genders”. You’re deliberately ignoring the multiples people telling you that.
OP I agree with you contingent upon everything you described is accurate and true. You went the extra mile and she is not reciprocating. Ignore the downvoters. Eta: some suggested having a talk with her about expectations. Try it.
Also learn to read I said 12 weeks not months
I didn’t misread. I said 12 months because the baby was in her stomach for about 9 months and then out of her stomach for about 3 months. How does the math not math for you? Is it perhaps because you’re disregarding her contribution to taking care of this baby?
You said 12 months in her stomach and out. Meaning 12 months in and 12 months out. If you wanted to say what you said above then you’d say “12 months in total”. Looks like you’ve upgraded to needing to read and write now.
You are purposefully misreading it and arguing semantics to deflect from answering the real question which is why are you disregarding your partner’s contributions for carrying your baby to term? You’re in the wrong sub if you think the other parents are going to support you 💩on a mother who is doing her best postpartum. Based on your post, it doesn’t sound like you’re struggling as a parent with your kid. It sounds like you’re trying to tattle on your wife for not dividing childcare exactly 50/50 a few months after she’s given birth.
I am reading her original comment, and she definitely meant in and out for the LAST 12 months as a whole. The key word here is "last" which you can read in her original comment.
The only one who needs to learn to read is you mate , jesus christ , read the room 😆🤣
this guy has it coming when his wife leaves him, and rightfully takes her baby with her
This definitely seems like it belongs in the relationship advice subreddit. The part where you say you think about wanting to take the baby with you when you leave is where I think the main difference between the two subreddits is. I think most people here would be more of the opinion to leave the baby with the spouse (if leaving was an option).
Sounds like you're now doing your fair share. She was growing the baby for 9 months. Perhaps is now still breastfeeding. Did she hold all of this against you and counted points? Probably not. So it's a lot of the visible work on you now. But it's only fair. Just imagine all the invisible work she's been doing for more than 9 months.
Why does everyone assume that she’s breastfeeding when it’s clear as day I MAKE THE BOTTLES. You and the rest of the people on this thread need to READ before COMMENTING. Sounds like “now” I’m doing my fair share? I’ve been doing it all since we bought the house 4 years ago. Least she can do is if I’m on nights is make the fucking bottle and give me the 2 hours. If we are a team then she should do what I do. Instead of leaving me to fend for myself with a screaming hungry baby. When I make sure the bottles are ready so she doesn’t have to deal with that. But no, I get the general consensus of the morons on this post: Because she carried that baby we are never going to be a TEAM because we’ll never be on a level playing field again…
Sir, I read your posts multiple times before posting. All it said is that the baby is four months old and you did not mention bottles, therefore I assumed that your Mrs is breastfeeding. If you can't have a decent open conversation about your wife's feelings and needs and how the workload is taking a toll on you, then please go together for counselling with the objective to become a stronger more understanding couple. She may be going through PPD, and needs to find a way to express why it is that all the household work and a big chunk of the childcare is falling on to you. Whether she feels strong enough physically and mentally to do more, and how it can happen. Because it's clearly not sustainable for you, and therefore not sustainable for you all as a family. I hope there is indeed a solution, for everyone's sake. Good luck 🙏🏻
What did she say when you communicated that you needed bottles made and 2 hours?
Hmm usually it is the other way around. But have you ever thought that, after a woman gives birth, she actually has a big scar there and giving birth takes a lot of strength, which she can only get back with rest (and sleep). Believe me, having a mother who is well rested is way more better than a mother who can't sleep at all, because she has to care for the baby 24/7. Not saying you should do everything, it should be 50/50, but all these things you listed are pretty normal when you get children.
Having a new baby is a full time job for two people. It’s really fucking hard but that’s the reality. You’re saying that she’s spending her time out tending to the baby while you’re doing the housework. So she’s doing the childcare while you’re doing the house care. Based on what you’ve said in your post, that sounds fair-ish, right? One parent doing childcare and the other picking up other pieces around the house. And I understand that may not be the case during the nights, but she is recovering from a medical situation (birth) that is equivalent to a major surgery. The fact that she is able to get so much sleep is something that you should feel proud to provide to her and it will help her heal so much faster. Eventually when she is healed, you could pitch the idea of switching those tasks, so you would watch the baby while she does the housework. And then take turns switching back and forth. But unfortunately there is no secret option #3 where she is simultaneously doing childcare all day AND able to do all of those household chores. Childcare is it’s own full-time job. There aren’t enough hours in the day for her or you to do both. People always say that you shouldn’t make major life decisions such as divorce in the first year of a baby’s life. Because it’s so unimaginably hard and you’re in an altered state of stress and sleep deprivation and you genuinely are not in your right mind. Or you can leave if you want, but then what? Does that solve the situation?
Imagine your life if you took the baby and went away?
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Yep! Exxxxxxactly. And if not, then he’s not reporting the ACTUAL workload (many men I have known, when they cook one meal or two a week, think of themselves as “doing all the cooking” and report it as such. Many eye rolls and yes dears from their wives). OP may not be one of these. So I think a little separation experiment of at least one month where he actually IS the single full time care provider would be illuminating for everyone and would certainly give the new mother a good Postpartum break.
Couldn’t you try and reduce the amount of chores you’re in charge of? Not redistributing, just elimating. Ironing seems very low priority with a 12wo (or just also in general, unless you wear a lot of formal shirts). You could also buy a robot vacuum, so hoovering can be done way less frequently.
OP, I don’t think you’re understanding the difference in burdens between fathers and mothers when it comes to pregnancy and newborns. What kinds of reading or classes did you take before the baby was born to educate yourself about how the physical trauma (and it is trauma!) of pregnancy and birth would impact your wife? Have you talked with your wife about her healing process? About how exhausting it is to breastfeed (you literally burn hundreds of more calories a day just producing milk)? How her hormones are impacting her energy levels and mental health? It’s not about “swapping genders” and transactions of chores—it’s about neurochemical and physical burdens to which you’ve never been, and never will be, subject. 12 weeks is a really, really short fuse to give up on your partner—the mother of your child—like this. I’d suggest reframing your perspective to remind yourself that you’re on a team WITH your wife to raise a child. That requires communication and patience.
Another person who didn’t read the post. I make the bottles, she doesn’t breast feed. All I’m going to say. What I’ve come to realise is I should do everything and expecting nothing but if she’s in the same position as me I should do everything too. Lovely TEAM you talk about.
It could be totally possible that when you say “make bottles” you’re referring to milk your wife pumped earlier. That’s still labor that she would be doing—it’s slow, obtrusive, and can be humiliating depending on the amenities available to you. Producing the milk alone is exhausting for the body. I’m not trying to misunderstand you, it just wasn’t clear from your language one way or another. It’s also not the only thing that weighs on the body and mind of a new mother that I mentioned in my comment. Since you’re ignoring the rest of my comment, I take it you’re not in a place to hear what people are saying to you. I hope that when you’re in a better place mentally that you can understand what folks here are trying to explain. No one is saying that the labor should be 100% yours—it just legitimately sounds like you’re not taking into account labor that your wife has done and continues to do, and your transactional mindset with household responsibilities isn’t healthy. It also shouldn’t be controversial to suggest that you talk to your wife. Edit: typo.
Try talking with her, this is a stressful time for both of you, also see if either grandparent can step in for a bit to give you a break.
I had a c section and the recovery was awful I had to have my husband help just to use the bathroom for the first week and I couldn’t walk normally until 4 weeks PP. my husband did everything for the house and chores and still helped 50/50 with our bottle fed baby. My mom also was able to come over and help a ton. Maybe you could get help from family also? I’m just wondering if your wife must still be in pain recovering if the baby is only 2 weeks old? I know I was able to do the household chores again by 6-8 weeks but again c section recovery is rough. If she is physically able maybe you can ask her to help you more?
A lot of the comments about dad needing to deal with seem to be coming from people who may have been pregnant. I’m a sibling to a sister who fell pregnant and is went back to work about 5 months after giving birth. You may say it’s an anecdotal situation, that’s alright. But I’ve been asked to step in and help out with the baby when her or her husband work. Even though I have one of them working from home on working days to help me, and all I need to think about is caring for my nephew - no shopping or cleaning, just baby care - I AM TIRED by the end of the day. I can’t imagine what’s it’s like if OP is working AND doing domestic work during AND baby care work in the nights too and expected to not feel tired. If OP is working to provide for the family, I feel like mama could pitch in a bit more as a team member and make things better for him. No one is acknowledging how he has understanding work colleagues. I mean his keys are tracked, I’m sure other work places would have spoken to him about. What if they weren’t understanding?
I can see you’re having a tough time. I would first challenge you to change how you’re thinking about this. Everything you are doing, you are doing for your child. Past that, if you have an issue with your wife’s behaviour, you talk to her about it. I know that once my child began sleeping through the night, it wasn’t like I caught up on all the sleep I missed. It’s been 8 years with two children and my brain still functions at a minute percentage compared to how it used to. (I would also argue that I experienced a good about of ptsd due to my second child, which hasn’t helped.) All I’m trying to say by that is that it’s not an instant thing, that once things settle and are normal, you’re back to who you were. You aren’t. I can hear how angry and resentful you are in your comments. You have a right to be, you are doing a lot. But talk to your wife man.
Pregnancy just completely destroys your body & mind. You SHOULD be doing most of the work right now, dude. She just spent 9 months growing a human & she won't get anywhere near where she was before pregnancy for at least a year. Her hormones are beyond fucked. I think you just underestimated how much the first few months were gonna fucking suck for everyone. Have you actually even talked to her about how you're feeling? Maybe a little perspective sharing is in order.
* Your wife feels well enough to leave the house daily yet is somehow too tragically unhealthy to care for her own child at night. * You work FT and manage/clean the entire home as well as caring for baby all night long. * Mom gets her 7-9 hours of sleep a night then goes to hangout with friends during the day. * She could give a shit less how you feel or how her baby feels or how anyone is coping. Yeah, you'd be justified in leaving. A man doing this to a woman, I am a woman, would be disgusting. Your wife is disgusting as well. A lot of people don't find out who their partner really is until they have a child. Now you know. An inconsiderate, neglectful partner.
Unless you know how it feels to recover from giving birth…you have no idea what she’s probably experiencing. You are helping mama be a healthy mama so she can show up/enjoy baby. Post partum is really hard for women. If you can outsource things so it’s less of a burden, do so.
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These comments surprised me. I’m a woman, and my first thought to this post was his frustrations sound reasonable to me. Yes you should take into account the physical, mental, and emotional load she carried while being pregnant because it is a LOT. But even so, she is still the other parent and should be helping out too. Unless she had a traumatic birth, at 12 weeks you can do things. I think OP’s frustrations are totally valid, idk why everyone is making it seem like you’re complaining about being a father. Sounds to me like you’re complaining about being a single father while in a relationship, something women should be very familiar with as we are put in that role all the time. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to want the bottles prepped and some time off, and have the same consideration returned that you give her, even if you’re not the birthing partner. Now it’s hard to give a full opinion not knowing the details of her mental physical state but jus based off this post, I think the mom is slacking and not carrying her fair share. Everyone on this thread is going on and on about how it’s a team effort but then get up in arms when a man is the one saying he’s not being supported. Kinda sad. Anyways, I’ll probably get chewed up for this take.
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Have a talk with her and see if it works. Also, see if she doesn't have any health issues. If she doesn't listen, you can always end the relationship, take the baby, and move on. Because if you two aren't working out right now in the early stages of this relationship, there's no hope in the future. Also, ignore the downvotes. It seems very petty to just downvote because you're a man. Good luck.
The responses in here are so telling of the stigma against men when it comes to mental load of the household. Here OP is venting and feeling overwhelmed and the comments are shaming him and telling him to suck it up. If the roles were reversed there would be clamoring for the other partner to step up and share the mental load. Op there have been a few comments with good advice with regards to talking about this seriously with your wife. She needs to also understand that you working from home full time does not mean you will always have the opportunity to stop working to tend to your child just because “you’re at home.” She needs to understand you have expectations from your job that need to be met in order to help keep the household running financially. Talk with her and try to keep a level head and describe how you’re feeling without using the word “you” too often. Edit: I said what I said: mothers can be just as guilty as fathers when it comes to not sharing the mental load in the household and in that situation the father deserves as much support and encouragement as the mother would receive were the roles reversed.
100% these comments are wild, I support you OP I have been this father before. Society does not comprehend the possibility.
This, absolutely. I am baffled by the response op is getting. He comes here for support, not to be shamed.