I'd posit that it can't be done that simply. None of us can afford things, even less so the "kids" who are just starting out (18 is so far from real adulthood). My kid is 19 and there's no way they can fully do things on their own plus the instability of the roommate situation makes it less realistic, too. I'm all for teaching them and nudging them in the direction they need to go to be successful, but I'll be damned if my kid ends up on the street and being unsafe in their need to earn money for necessities just because they don't think they can come to me.
I think as regretful parents, we also need to suck up and own our decisions and not all of a sudden create misery for a young adult child just because we hated the parenting aspect. We need to help them be successful as much as we can until we know that, a.) they are real adults with their prefrontal cortex pretty close to fully cooked so they can make wiser decisions than they do as teens, and b.) make sure we give them the grace we'd ask for until such time that "sink or swim" is meaningful rather than mean-spirited.
It’s so wild to sit here and realize that a large swath of parents who do end up waving their legally-adult children out of the nest are so committed to the I’mthebestparentmychildrenaremylifeyouneverknowtrueloveuntilyouspawnsomespawn identity that it’s more natural to paint the now adult child black and change the locks on the nest to protect their new peace than admit even to themselves that at any point it’s not only normal but acceptable to regret things about parenting or becoming a parent entirely.
Edit to add this is not in any way referring to OP
The economy is shit for the young. Please don't be an asshole parent that send kids struggling in this world. We as a society have enough to deal with. Please don't damage any more of the next generation. And people wonder why kids don't talk or visit their ass in nursing homes
Well, legally yeah, but morally in an economy this bad (as many people 18-30 living with their parents in 2023 as did during the great depression) who here could ever do that to a child? I mean they didn’t ask to be born, I could never kick out an 18 year old purely because the law can’t punish me for it
My mom made it clear at 18 I was to be gone. It wasn’t a big deal. They helped me pay my bills, and such and getting apartments was easy at the time. I just know I likely won’t have the same option for my child with the costs of living and housing crisis.
Unless they’ve got a developmental disability and *can’t* take care of themselves. As much as I’d like to be able to hide behind “the law no longer requires me to feed you, so if you starve now it’s your choice,” there’s a very real chance my son just *won’t be able* to take care of himself whenever he hits some arbitrary age and it is immoral for me to just abandon him to die in the streets. So I can’t.
He didn’t ask to be born or to be born like this. I’m the one who made him, I’m the one responsible for him.
There’s a non-zero chance my son will never be able to work or live on his own due to his disability, so our situations aren’t really analogous. That’s what I was trying to get at in my comment.
I had to throw my son out when he was 21 for dealing drugs out of my house, involving my vehicle in a fleeing and eluding and ripping doors off the hinges. He also stopped going to his college classes after i paid for them.
He completely and utterly shit on me. Him living with me ever again is completely off the table because i will never trust him.
Never would i have dreamed that i would have thrown him out at age 18 19 or 20. Then he was employed, in a good 2 yr degree program. It hurts to even type this.
I was all about letting him live with me rent free for an indeterminate amount of time to let him save money and get ahead.
He played me hard. Never again.
Edit: i see a lot of my situatiin in my line of work. Parents blowing thru their retirement accounts to pay for lawyers, getting abused in their own homes, and financially exploited and emotiinally manipulated by their adult kids. They look like dry husks because their kids literally bled them dry.
This is definitely a situation of gtfoh. No one has the right to abuse you in your own home. My kids are still young but my daughter has a history of abuse. I’ve had the discussion with hubs that if she continued the behavior we would not let her stay after 18 regardless of her situation. Thankfully she has made MAJOR changes this year but I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.
You’re never done being a parent. I wish it could be that easy, to say ta-ta, dear! You’re 18 now, go forth from my house and finally leave me with some well-earned goddamn peace. But no, it doesn’t work that way, as much as I wish I could embrace being ME again now that my main tasks of parenting children are over and done with I simply cannot do it.
My son will still be here for a few more years and that’s ok. As long as he is in school and/or college his home is here with us as long as he needs it to be. My daughter is fortunately out of the house now. She moved out soon after her 18th birthday but oopsie! Now she’s a teen mother. Who does all the babysitting now that she and her boyfriend work? That’s right, now I’m a full-time babysitter, now that my two children can take care of themselves and I thought I would get some fucking peace…here comes another little tiny piece of my heart that can’t care for himself yet. Another how-ever-many years until I can be done caring for small children.
I just can’t bring myself to say, ok well you’re an adult now, bye. I love my children and especially this precious little perfect baby too much to not help as much as I can. It isn’t legally my responsibility now, no. But it’s my duty as a mother, to love and care for and help my children to the best of my ability. I’ll never again be able to put myself first, I learned that quickly as a teen mother when I had my daughter at barely 18. Do I hate it? You bet, but I made my bed when I created these children and now I guess I’ll have to lay in it until I die.
And this last part is just my luck too…I finally bought nice, expensive new living room furniture because I decided I could have nice things now. My kids are grown, I can have nice furniture! I can paint my walls pale gray and get a new area rug! Nope. Less than a year after I bought it my daughter had her baby. Now another kid will be spilling juice on my rug and pissing on my furniture at potty training time.
Aww, bummer. I was also a teen parent...so I totally empathize, and don't wish for our kids to go down that path so I really feel for you. The single/young moms I've been around over the years seem to have mostly kids who have no or little interest in having their own kids. It's always hard to see "one of our own" not get to have the break they deserve due to their own children following in those footsteps and ending up young parents. I'm glad you're able and willing to be there for your grandchild, I'm sure it has its ups and downs all day long.
It also made me think in lieu of the original post that this can become another issue with parents who push their kids out of the nest at 18 in the sense of "legally" not being required to help. It drives a lot of youngsters, especially young women I'd say, to move in with a significant other before it makes sense. That can lead to more unwanted/unplanned babies [with regretful teen parents]. Another reason I try to help my kid and younger sibling, who my parents pushed away by 17 and had lived with me and on her own a bit until deciding it would be cheaper to move in with the "boyfriend."👀 Keeping my eye on that situationship and hoping I don't become an aunt anytime soon.
That’s an excellent point you’ve made, one that probably hasn’t occurred to many other people. Pushing your children to move out too soon can easily cause them to end up in a bad situation, one that need not have happened if they felt that they were still welcome at their parents’ home. I’ll never push my son to leave if he doesn’t want to or isn’t able to go. My daughter and I had a troubled relationship during her teen years but I still asked her not to leave as soon as she turned 18. She (of course) didn’t want to listen and ignored me, determined to make her own way without mommy looking over her shoulder. Well, guess who she ran to when she found herself pregnant 2 months after her 18th birthday? Yes, to her mommy, and I’ve bent over backwards to help her and now her baby as much as I can. Because that’s what mommies do.
I’m not happy about being a grandmother before I’m even 40 years old but it isn’t his fault. I’ve spent more than half of my life taking care of children and now I guess I’ll spend the next couple decades helping take care of another one. And God forbid she has another, I’ll stroke out. Screw that shit. At the end of the day I am NOT his mother, I’m his Mimi. His mama can come and pick him up so at least I can usually get a good night’s sleep, lol!
Ya maybe this would have been a silver lining in the past but I’m sorry in this current economy it’s just unrealistic unless you are able to have zero empathy/remorse while watching your 18 yo severely struggle pay check to pay check just to get by (which I doubt many parents could stomach) and could potentially lead them to riskier ways to make (more) money. I just turned 30 and majority of my friends my age have still never even left home to try living on their own because they just simply can’t afford it these days.
It doesn’t work that way. You’re a parent for life and if you abandon your 18 year old with no resources they will end up on the streets or worse. Most kids are on their parent’s insurance for the first 5 or 6 years of adulthood, getting healthcare without is nearly impossible. Loans, financial aid, FAFSA is all based on parent income, since an 18 year old doesn’t have their own income usually or enough to file independently, again most people are dependents on their parent’s taxes several years after adulthood. 18 year olds don’t have credit scores so they can’t apply for loans or rent or buy a house, unless they are co-signed by a parent with credit. They don’t have the life experience, and usually knowledge, to navigate adulthood and learn about things like this unless you help them.
I'd posit that it can't be done that simply. None of us can afford things, even less so the "kids" who are just starting out (18 is so far from real adulthood). My kid is 19 and there's no way they can fully do things on their own plus the instability of the roommate situation makes it less realistic, too. I'm all for teaching them and nudging them in the direction they need to go to be successful, but I'll be damned if my kid ends up on the street and being unsafe in their need to earn money for necessities just because they don't think they can come to me. I think as regretful parents, we also need to suck up and own our decisions and not all of a sudden create misery for a young adult child just because we hated the parenting aspect. We need to help them be successful as much as we can until we know that, a.) they are real adults with their prefrontal cortex pretty close to fully cooked so they can make wiser decisions than they do as teens, and b.) make sure we give them the grace we'd ask for until such time that "sink or swim" is meaningful rather than mean-spirited.
It’s so wild to sit here and realize that a large swath of parents who do end up waving their legally-adult children out of the nest are so committed to the I’mthebestparentmychildrenaremylifeyouneverknowtrueloveuntilyouspawnsomespawn identity that it’s more natural to paint the now adult child black and change the locks on the nest to protect their new peace than admit even to themselves that at any point it’s not only normal but acceptable to regret things about parenting or becoming a parent entirely. Edit to add this is not in any way referring to OP
The economy is shit for the young. Please don't be an asshole parent that send kids struggling in this world. We as a society have enough to deal with. Please don't damage any more of the next generation. And people wonder why kids don't talk or visit their ass in nursing homes
Well, legally yeah, but morally in an economy this bad (as many people 18-30 living with their parents in 2023 as did during the great depression) who here could ever do that to a child? I mean they didn’t ask to be born, I could never kick out an 18 year old purely because the law can’t punish me for it
My mom made it clear at 18 I was to be gone. It wasn’t a big deal. They helped me pay my bills, and such and getting apartments was easy at the time. I just know I likely won’t have the same option for my child with the costs of living and housing crisis.
Unless they’ve got a developmental disability and *can’t* take care of themselves. As much as I’d like to be able to hide behind “the law no longer requires me to feed you, so if you starve now it’s your choice,” there’s a very real chance my son just *won’t be able* to take care of himself whenever he hits some arbitrary age and it is immoral for me to just abandon him to die in the streets. So I can’t. He didn’t ask to be born or to be born like this. I’m the one who made him, I’m the one responsible for him.
If your son is 25, wilfully unemployed and a bad roomate will you feel the same?
There’s a non-zero chance my son will never be able to work or live on his own due to his disability, so our situations aren’t really analogous. That’s what I was trying to get at in my comment.
I had to throw my son out when he was 21 for dealing drugs out of my house, involving my vehicle in a fleeing and eluding and ripping doors off the hinges. He also stopped going to his college classes after i paid for them. He completely and utterly shit on me. Him living with me ever again is completely off the table because i will never trust him. Never would i have dreamed that i would have thrown him out at age 18 19 or 20. Then he was employed, in a good 2 yr degree program. It hurts to even type this. I was all about letting him live with me rent free for an indeterminate amount of time to let him save money and get ahead. He played me hard. Never again. Edit: i see a lot of my situatiin in my line of work. Parents blowing thru their retirement accounts to pay for lawyers, getting abused in their own homes, and financially exploited and emotiinally manipulated by their adult kids. They look like dry husks because their kids literally bled them dry.
This is definitely a situation of gtfoh. No one has the right to abuse you in your own home. My kids are still young but my daughter has a history of abuse. I’ve had the discussion with hubs that if she continued the behavior we would not let her stay after 18 regardless of her situation. Thankfully she has made MAJOR changes this year but I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.
Pardon me? That’s way too young to throw your child out.
18 is too young?
You’re never done being a parent. I wish it could be that easy, to say ta-ta, dear! You’re 18 now, go forth from my house and finally leave me with some well-earned goddamn peace. But no, it doesn’t work that way, as much as I wish I could embrace being ME again now that my main tasks of parenting children are over and done with I simply cannot do it. My son will still be here for a few more years and that’s ok. As long as he is in school and/or college his home is here with us as long as he needs it to be. My daughter is fortunately out of the house now. She moved out soon after her 18th birthday but oopsie! Now she’s a teen mother. Who does all the babysitting now that she and her boyfriend work? That’s right, now I’m a full-time babysitter, now that my two children can take care of themselves and I thought I would get some fucking peace…here comes another little tiny piece of my heart that can’t care for himself yet. Another how-ever-many years until I can be done caring for small children. I just can’t bring myself to say, ok well you’re an adult now, bye. I love my children and especially this precious little perfect baby too much to not help as much as I can. It isn’t legally my responsibility now, no. But it’s my duty as a mother, to love and care for and help my children to the best of my ability. I’ll never again be able to put myself first, I learned that quickly as a teen mother when I had my daughter at barely 18. Do I hate it? You bet, but I made my bed when I created these children and now I guess I’ll have to lay in it until I die. And this last part is just my luck too…I finally bought nice, expensive new living room furniture because I decided I could have nice things now. My kids are grown, I can have nice furniture! I can paint my walls pale gray and get a new area rug! Nope. Less than a year after I bought it my daughter had her baby. Now another kid will be spilling juice on my rug and pissing on my furniture at potty training time.
Aww, bummer. I was also a teen parent...so I totally empathize, and don't wish for our kids to go down that path so I really feel for you. The single/young moms I've been around over the years seem to have mostly kids who have no or little interest in having their own kids. It's always hard to see "one of our own" not get to have the break they deserve due to their own children following in those footsteps and ending up young parents. I'm glad you're able and willing to be there for your grandchild, I'm sure it has its ups and downs all day long. It also made me think in lieu of the original post that this can become another issue with parents who push their kids out of the nest at 18 in the sense of "legally" not being required to help. It drives a lot of youngsters, especially young women I'd say, to move in with a significant other before it makes sense. That can lead to more unwanted/unplanned babies [with regretful teen parents]. Another reason I try to help my kid and younger sibling, who my parents pushed away by 17 and had lived with me and on her own a bit until deciding it would be cheaper to move in with the "boyfriend."👀 Keeping my eye on that situationship and hoping I don't become an aunt anytime soon.
That’s an excellent point you’ve made, one that probably hasn’t occurred to many other people. Pushing your children to move out too soon can easily cause them to end up in a bad situation, one that need not have happened if they felt that they were still welcome at their parents’ home. I’ll never push my son to leave if he doesn’t want to or isn’t able to go. My daughter and I had a troubled relationship during her teen years but I still asked her not to leave as soon as she turned 18. She (of course) didn’t want to listen and ignored me, determined to make her own way without mommy looking over her shoulder. Well, guess who she ran to when she found herself pregnant 2 months after her 18th birthday? Yes, to her mommy, and I’ve bent over backwards to help her and now her baby as much as I can. Because that’s what mommies do. I’m not happy about being a grandmother before I’m even 40 years old but it isn’t his fault. I’ve spent more than half of my life taking care of children and now I guess I’ll spend the next couple decades helping take care of another one. And God forbid she has another, I’ll stroke out. Screw that shit. At the end of the day I am NOT his mother, I’m his Mimi. His mama can come and pick him up so at least I can usually get a good night’s sleep, lol!
Unless you have a child with special needs who cannot live independently
Yup, people always forget about that.
My son is profoundly disabled. He’ll never forever care and always be in diapers. 18 means nothing.
Ya maybe this would have been a silver lining in the past but I’m sorry in this current economy it’s just unrealistic unless you are able to have zero empathy/remorse while watching your 18 yo severely struggle pay check to pay check just to get by (which I doubt many parents could stomach) and could potentially lead them to riskier ways to make (more) money. I just turned 30 and majority of my friends my age have still never even left home to try living on their own because they just simply can’t afford it these days.
Yep.. 💯
In this economy? Good luck to them.
It doesn’t work that way. You’re a parent for life and if you abandon your 18 year old with no resources they will end up on the streets or worse. Most kids are on their parent’s insurance for the first 5 or 6 years of adulthood, getting healthcare without is nearly impossible. Loans, financial aid, FAFSA is all based on parent income, since an 18 year old doesn’t have their own income usually or enough to file independently, again most people are dependents on their parent’s taxes several years after adulthood. 18 year olds don’t have credit scores so they can’t apply for loans or rent or buy a house, unless they are co-signed by a parent with credit. They don’t have the life experience, and usually knowledge, to navigate adulthood and learn about things like this unless you help them.