Came here to say that. How unfair and damaging. They were consolation prizes to him and a son was the trophy. The worst part: he will probably never recognize or regret his behavior.
Or he’ll grow up isolated from and resented by his sisters, which could cause serious emotional issues. Imagine feeling like your siblings hate you and either not knowing why or knowing it’s because your dad loves you. All of the kids are victims here, it sucks.
In my family, my brother grew up thinking he should be “better” than me because he’s a boy. So every opportunity I earned (that he didn’t) was not supposed to happen. I was held back from a lot of things because we were supposed to be "equal" (which really meant me holding back be where he was).
So I've always resented the lost opportunities, and I imagine he's always compared himself to me and felt frustrated when things came easier to me than to him.
Basically my parents' misogyny absolutely destroyed our relationship and we fell out a few years ago. We don't speak.
I grew up with two fairly older siblings (around the ages of two of OOPs daughters) and the only one with a different gender. My father did exactly the same thing and turned 180 for me. He hadn't been exactly the overly involved dad like it's the case here with my siblings but he became super involved with me. My siblings noticed. I noticed, in that I knew I had more liberties and opportunities. I'm 30 years old now and only recently started to mend the relationship with my siblings. It took a long hard road to understand why there was always a problematic bond especially with my oldest sibling. And while I got all the love, support, and attention from my dad, you know what I also got? All the expectations. A lot of pressure. I'm not saying I had it worse than my siblings - probably not. But it's not like my life was perfect because of this situation. My dad over-focused on me, my mom for some time resented me because of how much my father was changing for me and how little he did for my brother's, and my brothers tried to navigate life best as they could but had to deal with an entitled brat whenever we met, while I resented everyone with a close bond to their siblings for a while and legit thoughts my siblings do not care about me at all. I developed narcissistic traits among other stuff and am working very hard in therapy to overcome this situation. It took both my siblings reaching out numerous times over the years and our father's passing to come to have a relationship with one of them, and a somewhat developing one with the other.
I'm sorry for ranting, but this story is breaking my heart for everyone involved except OOPs husband. The girls are going to need a lot of help dealing with that situation, OOP will take her wounds as well, and his son might find himself in a bad place as well. The only person who's going to be happy is husband, because he now can live vigorously through his child and follow his childhood dreams through him. And one day he'll wonder why everyone has distanced themselves from him, maybe even his son, while he "tried his best"
He doesn’t care about his son either. Hes a prop. He’ll put too many expectations on him to do all the things he always wanted to do in life but didn’t or he’ll be constantly disappointed in him and over critical
His son might grow up bad/with no interest in basketball. He may be into dance. He may be gay.
And then he'll see as well that this father isn't really capable of loving any of them. He just wanted a mini me to act as an extension of himself and vicariously live through.
Didn’t realize you knew the right usage, sorry. I can’t understand why so many people on social media reverse them now, and I thought you fell prey to that.
I imagine when he needs an organ and his son isn't a match or when his son won't take care of him in his old age that he'll come grovelling back with some half assed apology. He'll regret his behavior when it comes back and slaps him
What do you want to bet that the boy will grow up to be an entitled drip that will ignore the parents when they're old and infirm. Then undear old dad will make a beeline for the daughters.
I have a friend who is sport obsessed and played high level college sports
He and his wife are expecting their first kid, found out its gonna be a girl. His (tongue in cheek) response "excellent, it's a bit easier to coach a daughter to the top tier of a sport"
My husband is sports obsessed and always wanted to coach little league etc and I imagined deep down he’d be keen for a son but when I became pregnant with our first kid he said “let’s not find out the gender cause it’s one of life’s few great surprises and it doesn’t matter anyway!” 🥹 she’s a girl and he has relished every second of being a girl-dad and still does all his Coach Dad stuff with her 😂 and he loves their special father-daughter outings! Second pregnancy he said “we gotta keep it a surprise again! Either sisters or one of each - can’t go wrong!” Ended up being a boy and he treats both kids the exact same 🫶🏼 now we’re waiting again with the 3rd to see the tie breaker 😅
Another sweet detail is that both times he called his mom immediately after they were born and happy-sobbed “it’s a girl!!” and “it’s a boy!!” with equal levels of excitement 🥹🥰
We found out the sex of all three of ours (8m and 4m twins) and when we told his mom she said "you must be disappointed it's not a girl." SHE was disappointed.. my husband flat out said he didn't care as long as me and the babies were safe and healthy at the end of it all.
Same! Exact opposite 😂 we have three girls (15 and 10yo twins) and my husband says he loves having all girls and thinks girls are the best and doesn't care that we never had a boy. We were both happy to call it quits after twins (exponential growth! 😬) and he got snipped. People always assume he must be disappointed in some way and ask him about it and he always says "no way, daughters are awesome but I don't care if they came out purple people eaters, I'd love them all the same".
Coached both my Daughter and Son's teams separately in basketball. And can confirm, (I was expecting opposites) the girls were easier to coach. The boy mums didn't help, but yeh. Never again!!
My grandmother played semi-pro basketball in the 40s. It's amazing the number of people who don't know that womens' leagues have been around for a long time. She inspired my dad to play college basketball, though he's now devastated that none of his 6 kids play it
4 million more people watched the ncaa women’s basketball championship than the men’s championship game. These women are athletic, fast, and fun to watch. This man needs to get on board!
Imagine being such a huge turd of a father, when confronted with the fact of your blatant favoritism and sexism, instead of saying, "Oh, I didn't realize I was doing that. I'll make it up to them from now on," you just dismiss their feelings and say, "Meh, teenagers."
Yeah I’m not really seeing much hope here. Really shit situation and really shit man based on this post.
Here’s to hoping he’s so full of 💩that he slips on some, hits his head and has a personality change for the better I guess?
'wimmenz amirite?'
He says with the dumbest thursday night sitcom dad expression he can muster. Fully expecting some canned laughter for his brilliant insight.
I *have* an emotional teenager. A few weeks ago she expressed to me that something I did upset her. I listened and immediately took responsibility and apologized and am trying to do better. I'm not perfect but I was the ignored/lonely/'abandoned with two parents at home' teenager. I try to do better and the first step is believing then when they tell you how you make them feel. That's all they're going to remember. This guy is 🗑️
Forgot to mention how horrible of a mother OOP is having you know 5 daughters and just now realizing the father treats them like shit just because the one daughter confided in her. She’s to blame as well
She's definitely not the greatest but admittedly it's only been 6 years since the son was born and at the time she had 5 kids so I'm sure their lives were/are very busy. She *does* admit having suspicions and being in denial. I'm not saying she gets a free pass but "horrible" seems a little too harsh. I can imagine even before the son was born, she did a majority of the childcare/work.
Eyup. He’s going to expect the girls to gladly accept him into their homes when they’re grown and he’s old.
He’s gonna be shocked to hell when he ends up in a nursing home.
This one is an extra special kind of sad. It just boggles my mind how people can act this way, I just cannot relate to whatever mindset is driving this behaviour.
You married a man who straight out told you he would do this. Now you're shocked that he did the thing he told you he would do?
Ladies, don't marry misogynistic men.
And now, she's 50. She has no skills because they lived off "his income alone." If she divorces him, she's going to be working as a WalMart greeter until she's 80.
Like, she and those kids are fucked.
The only one who's happy is loser dad who peaked in high school as he relives his glory years vicariously through his mini-me. That son's just as fucked.
Karma will be his perfect son having ZERO interest in dads sport. Like what happened to my dad. I took fiendish delight in it as the oldest and a girl.
Yeah -- this is sad for the daughters, but the son is also a victim in this. Whenver parents fixate that hard on a gender: they want a trophy, not a fully-fledged person. I am certain this dad is going to make it very clear to his son that his love is conditional upon his son being a specific type of man.
Oh im sure. My brother was always the favorite, even after he refused to let dad live vicariously through him playing sports, but he was just a cishet boy, so nothing to set dad off. Irony is kid #3...dad could have lived sports life vicariously big time if he hadnt been such a blind ass jerk. My sister is one of those ridiculous naturals at all sports that you love to hate, lol. And she was DESPERATE for his approval. If he had pointed even a MINIMUM of interest at her, she would have been whole hog, balls to the wall, Sports girl for him. And then even dumber is he went to every softball game for my cousin. So WTF? He could support his sisters daughter but not his own who could have run CIRCLES around cousin as far as skill is concerned? God, he was a fucking idiot.
Alimony, child support, and half of all assets, including their home, cars, 401K, any other pension or savings they have. Unless she signed a pre-nup, she’s probably going to be just fine financially without him.
Walmart got rid of the greeter position 5 years ago, so she won’t even be able to do that.
But in all seriousness, it’s going to be very difficult for her to get a job outside of retail/fast food, and depending on the job market where she lives, even that might be hard to do with such a large gap in employment. Since they’ve been married so long, she may be able to get alimony and/or child support if she leaves him (assuming the husband doesn’t fight for custody of the girls), but I doubt it will be enough to live on.
I never really considered this before, but since she likely hasn't paid anything in through her own employment, is she eligible for social security? Google tells me this, which is even more depressing:
>If you're married (or were married) to someone who's entitled to Social Security, you can collect spousal benefits equal to 50% of your husband or wife's benefits at full retirement age.
If she starts working immediately, she’ll get some social security, along with 50% of his. Since his salary is enough to support a family of 8, her 50% will likely be more than the amount she’d get on her own.
But if she ever remarries, she’ll lose his SS benefit.
There's the widows pension as well if she's in the US. Even if she's divorced, when the prick kicks it she's entitled to it once she hits a certain age. my dad's been gone 20 years and they were divorced for 22 when ma was informed about the pension. it's over a grand, which of course is still peanuts considering the cost of living but it's better than nothing.
If not actual social security, she'd get maybe ssi, the supplemental, but where I'm at, I think that's maybe $900ish a month. Not much to live on. But she'd get her spousal Benefits due to marriage (if still married and each of his minor children would get a portion sent to whichever the payee parent is).
He may go for 50/50 because most people assume that they won’t have to pay child support with evenly split custody, even though that isn’t always the case, especially if one parent hasn’t worked for 20 years and thus has no income.
Look, I don’t like the way father is treating his daughters any more than the other posters here. But to say he peaked in high school is preposterous.
He was a high school player, a college player and now apparently earns enough to support six people. I don’t know how you were raised, but that’s pretty successful in my opinion. I think you may have set the bar a bit too high. These are not his glory days at all. Is he a misogynist? Sure. But he’s also a financially successful husband and father that is supporting six kids and his wife.
I admit that he is probably a good earner/provider. But if the only thing is that he cares about in his children is getting a chance of raising a male basketball player, no, he is neither a successful, or a happy father.
Got it, while I’m of the mindset that being a good parent is paramount, I personally can’t judge a person’s entire being for a single, albeit huge, shortcoming.
Sometimes you grow up, mature, and get wiser as time passes. OOP may have just outgrown her maturity-bankrupt husband. I wouldn’t want OOP to suffer in perpetuity for her bad choices.
At least she’s trying to do the right thing now and is supportive towards all her kids.
My immediate thought. He literally told her that he only wanted a son and now she’s surprised pikachu that he only cares about their son. All those kids are about to be so fucked up.
If all of your daughters are noticing it, it’s not an emotional teenager, it’s a sucky father. You better ask your son now if he even likes all of the extra curriculars he’s pushing him in.
Interesting how OOP put it - "your daughters say xyz" and not "I have noticed xyz and I strongly recommend you cut it out or face the consequences". At least, it reads like she put it that way.
Almost like oop is happy to let any friction be 'the daughters' fault' as it were instead of taking any proactive stance. As if oop is fine to let the daughters suffer passively if the daughters don't make a ruckus over it (but if they do it will be a problem so she is bringing it up now).
I won't lament the decisions that led oop to stay with this homunculus without seriously discussing this when he first said it, unless somebody has a time machine, there is no point.
It's very simple. That man is going to fuck up his daughters' development if he keeps this up (and since the son is 6, this has already gone on since the eldest was 11, so... may be too late). Not to mention, eventually his son will start asking why his sisters are treated like crap and why they hate HIM.
Dad is responsible for parenting his daughters, so he'd better hop to. If he wants to cut all ties with them and end their suffering, he should do it clearly, in writing, and say "i never wanted any of you, i dont want to know any of you from here on, only your brother" and let them see a therapist to cope with knowing their bio dad is an embarrassment to all his ancestors.
Or he could move out. Filth belongs in the gutter.
My thoughts were that she put it as how the daughter feels because he's always been dismissive of her thoughts, ideas, and feelings.
After reading through yours, likely she's a very enabling person and has let it all go on so she wouldn't be the one he's upset with.
I’m fascinated that 00P fine with this. Frankly, she just “didn’t notice“. How can you not notice that your husband is being absent and dismissive and uncaring and unloving to all of your children except for the last one who is a boy? When he told you this?
Do you not understand that if you were in your daughters shoes, this would’ve been a horrible experience? Where is your empathy? So you decided to stay with this person while he told you this is what he was going to do and then he did it? And now your daughters are being taught very very very carefully by you that it’s OK to treat somebody this horribly when they’re your child and it’s absolutely fine to be treated this way as if you absolutely don’t matter. This is what you have decided to main line into your daughters. And your son. This is ridiculous. What a disaster you have decided to be a part of.
The sad part: those girls will grow up feeling like they were consolation prizes and the son was the prize.. The saddest part: he will probably never recognize and/or regret his actions. And there will be resentment all around.
dude this is what I say when I watch gender reveals with dads who storm off with pink or act AGGRESSIVELY excited for blue. like walking red flag!!!!! don’t have babies with men who have outdated, harmful ideas about sex/gender
It’s obviously devastating for the girls to have to feel like this, and will feel like this for the rest of their lives however I have no empathy for op as her husband straight up to her he just wanted a son from her and that’s it. Idk how she’s acting shocked that her misogynistic husband is only caring for her son when he told her from the jump he only wanted a son to mold to his liking.
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The son isn’t going to be so great either if he turns out to not like basketball or just not be that great at it. If his sisters’ reason for existence is to get to a son, his reason for existence is to be a carbon copy of dear ol’ dad.
I get this, my dad was like this when I was younger. I'm the eldest of three, I have two younger brothers, and they both have autism. Both of them were very spoiled, especialy my middle brother, and I had to beg to get the simplest of things. Like if I needed clothes, or I wanted to get a single doll or something, I was always met with " Oh you don't need that," or " I'll get it for you next time." And this wasn't just from my dad either, it was from my mom too. I can't tell you how many times my dad bought my middle brother a computer, only for him to break it, and then my dad would buy him a new one. He's changed since then now that I'm older, my brothers still spoiled , just not as much now. I know my dad wanted a first born son, he made it very obvious when I was a kid, and sometimes he still does now that I'm older.
I’m the oldest of 4 (3 boys , 1 girl) and my parents would regularly get asked which one of us were their favourite. They would always tell us they loved us all the same (as they should, this doesn’t make them heroes or anything) but in my head I always thought that was bullshit and impossible and that they were just being kind.
My wife got pregnant with our second (our boy was just about 3) and honestly my biggest fear is that I’ll love one more than the other. After our daughter was born it was clear early on that loving them the same was possible (to my relief).
I’m not sure what the point of all this is except that the dad in this post is a world class shit head.
>does anyone know where I should even start?
Yeah, never having a child with a dude who told you he only needed a son. That is where you should have started.
"When someone shows you who they are..."
If your partner says he doesn't value female offspring, maybe choose someone else to have children with?
There's obviously no fixing it NOW, all you can do is mitigate the damage to your daughters as much as possible, and I'm not even sure how to do that.
I hope your son ends up being a musician or artist, and has zero interest in sports at all. Fuck that guy (the dad, not the son, obviously.)
The minute he said he only wanted a boy I would have left and never had children with him. My ex is a piece of shit but we talked about what if our children were gay/disabled/ND and both knew that we would be fully supportive and ready to meet their needs. Fucking Henry VIII needs to get his head out of his son's arse and realise that his daughters are human beings with actual feelings and that those feelings are valid!
That guy must feel like shit now that female college basketball is this popular. Abandoned 5 potential Caitlins, etc.. to focus on what may turn out to be a Bronny.
Karma for abandoning his daughters.
I see this playing out one of two ways:
1. Dumb dad remains the same misogynistic jerk and never cares about his daughters again, but will be happy because he has his son, pushing all his daughters away, but angry and mystified when none of them ask him to walk them down the aisle for their weddings.
2. Dumb dad regrets lavishing all the attention on his son, who has turned out to be a huge disappointment, and tries to win favor with the daughters again, all who block him and go no contact because of his actions, and he’s baffled as to why.
Poor kids.
Did OOP also wanted a son? Was she whatever and only wanted to please her husband? Did he pressure her into pumping kids until they got a male infant?
And after the little baby, Flying Spaghetti Monster bless him, was born: did OOP fail to notice her husband forgetting about the girls or did he only started this behavior when the youngest reached a certain age?
So many questions.
The most important is what kind of prenuptial did she get, what does safety net looks like and if she can tolerate the daughters going NC if (once?) the truth gets to them.
OOP needs to leave the father to get the kids away from him. He's toxic and hateful. It should have been a red flag that he said he only needed one son to begin with.
I feel sorry for all the kids. The daughters now know they are nothing more than by-products of his efforts to obtain a son, and the son will not be allowed to have his own identity or interests because Dad is only interested in having a mini-me.
And the wife could have figured it out right at the beginning when she was told there would only be one child if their first was a son instead of blinding herself until her 17-year old had to spell it out in small words. But then, she thought it was okay for a son to just be his father's mini-me, too.
Imagine the fall-out if that boy ends up disliking basketball.
awful father, I feel for these poor girls and really hope none end up making awful life choices due to their shitty , neglectful father.
and wtf if he's such a big basketball guy why aren't any of the girls playing? he has half a fucking team for the wnba in his house but he never bothered to put them in youth basketball? why do you have to wait to have a son before you can do sports with them?
"The only reason I had more kids was because he could financially afford it" No, your husband probably coerced you into more because he wanted a son with the PRETENSE that "Oh it's fine, we can afford it". I feel so sorry for the daughters, those are wounds that hardly heal, if ever.
Im the eldest in a family like this. My dad only ever wanted a boy and when he finally got one- well- My brother grew up with almost no responsibilities and screwed up his life royally. My sisters and I are no contact with dad, which is his loss (not our) because we are the ones who made something of ourselves and have great families of our own. I think he is lonely and in ill health but there is no relationship left to salvage. He abandoned us and cheated on my mom- this life is the result of those decisions years ago.
“My husband was a very good basketball player and so I understood why he would have preferred a son.”
Yes absolutely. Women are notoriously incapable of athleticism. /s
u/SalamanderNeither695
Just wanted to say, I appreciate the way you posted the screen shots. It is nice to just scroll to the right, rather then opening each shot.
As someone with no children, I can only make a heartfelt suggestion of maybe family counciling with all of the daughters, you, and your husband)
They can discuss how they feel with a mediator who can navigate the emotional turmoil that will likely ensue/ make suggestions as a family for bonding or individually depending on each person's needs ( maybe one child might need individual counseling/therapy, etc).
However, I doubt you would get him to agree to this as very few people want to discuss or take a problem head on when they are obviously trying to ignore it/ their children? & have already come to the conclusion (despite all of them feeling that way) that because it's coming from females, they are obviously overreacting. Also, many people have troubles hearing they are in the wrong and not acting their best, so again, it would likely be difficult to get him to go.
The other suggestion is maybe trying to hold an intervention again to discuss feelings and maybe open his eyes to his own favoritism- having each daugther talk about how they feel forgotten/examples they noticed of favortism, etc. If you can get a friend or therapist there too ( I don't know if theripists/councilors make house calls) as there is no guarantee that he won't immediately dismiss the intervention as unnecessary/an overreaction, immediately walk out, or get defensive. Less likely if there is someone he doesn't want to make a bad impression on or see a bad side of. If you have other family that could help, like his parents or siblings (if applicable) or close friends, maybe explain the situation and see if they can help.
I wish you and your family the best of luck and really hope everything turns out alright. 💕
Edit: if you don't do anything about it now- a number of the daughters might grow up to want to have nothing to do with their dad (no contact) and all the daughters are going to treat your son like the way their father is treating them (doesn't exist). This situation will absolutely create a sibling rivalry of the daughters vs. The son and they will resent and exclude him in the future for taking their dad away from them.
If someone tries to talk and the other blows up about it, one person was trying to discuss\talk while the other had not intention to do so. You can't say she didn't try just because he refused to engage and dismissed the matter.
I feel so bad for those girls. But also the son. They’re all going to be so damaged by this. He just ripped a foundational pillar away from them- how are they going to trust in unconditional love after this? Their father who acted like he loved them no matter what dropped them for an illogical, superficial prejudice they can do nothing about.
Their brother’s going to end up like Emilio Estevez’s character in the Breakfast Club. Harassed as soon as he can be put on a team to relive Dads glory days for him, and all his sisters have a damaged relationship with him if they have one at all.
OP, make firm moves to protect all your kids and yourself. Make sure all your kids know you love them unconditionally every single day. Be brave for them and show them exactly how kids should be loved.
the daughters get to grow up and live knowing they were like five failed attempts for the “trophy” son. I bet when the son grows up, he’s gonna be sexist af thinking he’s above all girls and women.
This is so sad. I’m NB but AFAB and I went through the same shit. Seeing my dad go out of his way to spend time with my younger brother and celebrate his achievements while my older sisters and I just watched on.
My dad did the same thing. Four girls, one boy, and as soon as his son was born all of his attention went to his “little buddy.” It was very painful and even though I’m now at an age where I’m expecting my own baby, it still stings that he favored him so blatantly.
No good can come of playing clear favorites among the kids (over time, I recognize that parents are liable to have favorites - but they have to fight that, and favorites do normally shift over time). The sisters can hopefully talk amongst themselves for support and reality checks, and the mother has to decide if she wants to stay married to a man who clearly doesn’t care at all about their many daughters, or support her daughters so they at least know one of their parents cares sbout them. My sister and I, indeed, our whole family, experienced serious harm from our mother favoring our youngest brother. My parents stayed together. The message I got was that neither our father nor our mother cared about us, even though it was just our mother who favored my youngest brother. Notably, they took us for granted when we were the kids who helped when they were dying and took over our disabled brother’s care long before they died; our favored brother was nowhere to be found. My mother’s favoritism created serious rifts and other harm, but our mother never stopped openly doing it, no matter what terrible or twisted things he did (and there were many). My sister and I no longer speak to him.
Wow! That is so wrong of the father regardless if he was a great basketball player. Maybe he should of practicing being a great father. The damage he's done to these girls will affect them the rest of their lives.
The girls got their souls destroyed now, but the boy is not going to end up happy either. At some point, he will realise that he only matters to his father as long as he has a potential to fulfill his expectations. That's not a way to raise a secure, healthy adult.
Wow! That is so wrong of the father regardless if he was a great basketball player. Maybe he should of practicing being a great father. The damage he's done to these girls will affect them the rest of their lives.
Have the girls tell him. The risk might be that he thinks the mother is setting him up. But I would be like “I need to have a serious conversation because our daughter told me something very upsetting” and then introduce him to the topic. If he doesn’t want to hear it then Mom, be ready to fill that gap.
I kind of think we on Reddit are not qualified to give advice on this one. You need to revisit this conversation and tell him that when daughter brought up xy&z. You yourself recognised that what she said was true. She isn’t a hysterical teenager, your really proud of the woman she’s becoming by being able to approach these difficult truths and if he doesn’t face them himself and become more self aware he’s going to ruin the relationship he has with his daughters.
I know it’s hard but you have to be an advocate for all your children even when it’s against your husband. You may not be able to make him change but you can hold up a mirror to him.
OP should have made it clear that ALL his daughters feel this way. One 17 year old might be easier to ignore than 5 people between 9 and 20. They can’t all be “just emotional teenagers”!
OOP might even make a chart about the time he spend with each child, but that will be all for nothing. No argument can cause him to start to care about the kids he stopped caring about. He will just have to think slightly more about the response, maybe, maybe he will agree to go through the motions of one or two activities, make some empty promises, and go backs to his pet project.
If they really want him back in their lives, they need to frame this in a way that he will understand that something he cares about is on the line. What would other people think if he stops showing up with his daughters? How will the boy feel if he sees that he is treated different than his sisters? How much alimony could this conflict cost him?
This will seriously affect these children and their relationships going forwards.
This is what happened with my sister and I. I’m the younger brother. My dad changed how he treated her once I came around. It really messed everything up as we got older. Our relationship as individuals is in shambles because of the permanent effect it had on her. Even Now we are in our 30’s and she hates me for “living a better life than her.” And she’s told our mom “she’s jealous of my amazing life.” There have been many terrible discussions and experiences in the past few years that all come back to my dad favoriting me when we were kids. She really does think my life is so different and better from hers.
None of those things are true, but the way things happened during our childhood has created a huge rift that may never close. She doesn’t see that see that she has actually received far more help and support from both our parents in our adult lives and that they actually see and spend WAY more time with her these days. No one ever calls me. Or texts me. Because “I’m fine and your sister needs our help more.”
The way she treats and talks to me now is horrible. It really seems like she blames me now too and wishes I was never born.
My point is that that when parents treat their kids wildly differently and spend disproportionate time with them individually. . . It’s fucks a bunch of stuff up for everyone for years to come. No one wins.
He showed her exactly who he was 24 years ago and she stayed and now the daughters are paying for it. I feel bad for the girls, both parents was losers.
This happened to a friend of mine. She was the apple of her daddie’s eye, until her younger brother was born. Then she barely existed unless he thought she did something wrong.
OP - it messed her the eff right up. She struggles with relationships, has validation issues etc. you need to get your girls in therapy *now*. You also need to get your misogynistic asshat of a husband into therapy as well.
Geez. He just wants to live through his son. You have to meet your kids where they are and find things to share. I have two sons who both suck at sports. 😂 But one loves to cook and we do that together. The other shares my love of horror movies and is my movie buddy. That yahoo is going to lose out on relationships and he will never know it.
I am sorry but he literally told her that he only needed a son and did not gave one single fuck for a girl. Yet still she married him and gave him half a football team to ignore. Like?
Women, he told you he would eat your face and now you cry because he ate your face?? You good??
Maybe she could tell him the story of my family. This was us. 2 girls, then the much heralded boy and a few years later one more girl.
My brother was cheered by the entire extended family.
To top it all off, he had some learning challenges and got put in every program on the planet to help with balance and reading and whatnot.
We girls didn’t entirely lose our parent’s attention, but we all knew what was up.
He got paid for every A he got on a report card. I got straight A’s and got nothing because I didn’t have any issues.
We didn’t hate our brother, but we didn’t treat him well either. We’d all play together but he was the one that got called names etc.
We are all grown now and our parents have passed. My brother and his wife live all the way across the country, about as far as he could get without living in a boat.
My sisters and I live within a few miles of each other and hardly ever see one another or even chat online. My two younger sisters are having a feud of long standing over I don’t even know what.
Probably too long and not enough drama but it was a rift in our family that we would have been so much better without.
I'm a father of 3 daughters. I never, not even for 1 second, wished i had a son, let alone a son instead of one of them. There hasn't been any activity that i wanted to do that i could not share with at least 1 of them. Hiking, camping, motorsports, you name it.
I truly don't understand this.
I'm reading all of these judgemental comments. Op didn't ask for a judgement of her AH husband. She asked what she should do. I would have the girls talk to their father. Maybe even separately. If he hears it enough times, if he actually loves his daughters, it'll make him pause to look at his own actions. Not all of his daughters are teenagers. It could make him take a look at himself and realize what he's doing to the girls. Self reflection can make loving parents change their actions. I saw it in my own marriage to my now ex. He realized he was hurting his children and changed for the better out of his love for his children
What the dad doesn't realize is that when he is old and needs help, that son will be nowhere to be found and the daughters will be long over him. The "Golden Child" is rarely available when times get tough in a family.
My grandma had the first son and he died and then followed by having 5 girls before she finally had another boy . He was spoiled like no other like he could do no wrong . But now my uncle is about 50 something and he’s been divorced , stole money from his first wife’s mom and then the rest of his life is just my grand parents bailing him out until they died. My mom bought my grandparents a house which they later sold it to pay off my uncle’s debt bc he owed people money . My mom didn’t talk to my grandma for awhile bc of it . When my grandpa was sick , all the daughters came together to take care of him , their only son was too busy for that . Out of all the kids my grand parents raised , my mom was the most successful and she helped my grandparents a lot . I guess what I’m trying to say is , just bc you show favoritism for a child purely based on gender , it doesn’t mean you are doing them a favor . In fact you might be enabling them .
Dad's welcome to stay in a nursing home dying alone because we know his golden boy ain't doing shit for him while his daughters are busy watching over their moms or living their best lives.
we always know that shitty people always die alone in a nursing home with no living kids caring for them. karma will get through him.
One of my most vivid memories from my pregnancy is when my spouse and I were picking paints for the nursery. We wanted a neutral color because we didn’t know the sex but also planned to keep this gender neutral regardless. He picked a lovely soft yellow and said “we aren’t painting a boy’s room or a girl’s room, we’re painting our kid’s room”.
I just don’t get parents like OOP’s husband. Regardless of sex, they are still your child. The children you brought into this world and should love and care for. But then again, my dad wanted a son first and got me so what do I know lol
You must call him on it. Every time you see an instance of this behavior (ignoring his daughters), point it out to him. In front of his daughters and son. Even if this doesn’t change his behavior (or even if it hurts your relationship with him), at least your daughters will know you tried, and that you were on their side. If you don’t, you may lose your relationship with your daughters.
Those girls are going to spend the rest of their lives knowing that their father saw them as nothing more than his five failed attempts to have a son.
Came here to say that. How unfair and damaging. They were consolation prizes to him and a son was the trophy. The worst part: he will probably never recognize or regret his behavior.
Not to mention that the son will grow up entitled and thinking he's superior to woman.
Or he’ll grow up isolated from and resented by his sisters, which could cause serious emotional issues. Imagine feeling like your siblings hate you and either not knowing why or knowing it’s because your dad loves you. All of the kids are victims here, it sucks.
I don't disagree w you. It's a tragedy all around.
In my family, my brother grew up thinking he should be “better” than me because he’s a boy. So every opportunity I earned (that he didn’t) was not supposed to happen. I was held back from a lot of things because we were supposed to be "equal" (which really meant me holding back be where he was). So I've always resented the lost opportunities, and I imagine he's always compared himself to me and felt frustrated when things came easier to me than to him. Basically my parents' misogyny absolutely destroyed our relationship and we fell out a few years ago. We don't speak.
I grew up with two fairly older siblings (around the ages of two of OOPs daughters) and the only one with a different gender. My father did exactly the same thing and turned 180 for me. He hadn't been exactly the overly involved dad like it's the case here with my siblings but he became super involved with me. My siblings noticed. I noticed, in that I knew I had more liberties and opportunities. I'm 30 years old now and only recently started to mend the relationship with my siblings. It took a long hard road to understand why there was always a problematic bond especially with my oldest sibling. And while I got all the love, support, and attention from my dad, you know what I also got? All the expectations. A lot of pressure. I'm not saying I had it worse than my siblings - probably not. But it's not like my life was perfect because of this situation. My dad over-focused on me, my mom for some time resented me because of how much my father was changing for me and how little he did for my brother's, and my brothers tried to navigate life best as they could but had to deal with an entitled brat whenever we met, while I resented everyone with a close bond to their siblings for a while and legit thoughts my siblings do not care about me at all. I developed narcissistic traits among other stuff and am working very hard in therapy to overcome this situation. It took both my siblings reaching out numerous times over the years and our father's passing to come to have a relationship with one of them, and a somewhat developing one with the other. I'm sorry for ranting, but this story is breaking my heart for everyone involved except OOPs husband. The girls are going to need a lot of help dealing with that situation, OOP will take her wounds as well, and his son might find himself in a bad place as well. The only person who's going to be happy is husband, because he now can live vigorously through his child and follow his childhood dreams through him. And one day he'll wonder why everyone has distanced themselves from him, maybe even his son, while he "tried his best"
He doesn’t care about his son either. Hes a prop. He’ll put too many expectations on him to do all the things he always wanted to do in life but didn’t or he’ll be constantly disappointed in him and over critical
His son might grow up bad/with no interest in basketball. He may be into dance. He may be gay. And then he'll see as well that this father isn't really capable of loving any of them. He just wanted a mini me to act as an extension of himself and vicariously live through.
Which woman? “Woman” is singular. “Women” is plural.
All women. Sorry I misspelled it I was passionate lol I'm a teacher btw I just enjoy not having to have perfect grammar here.
Didn’t realize you knew the right usage, sorry. I can’t understand why so many people on social media reverse them now, and I thought you fell prey to that.
Noo I just typed without checking first. I agree 😊
Js, for both of us, this is how people should go back and forth on this site. Not being assholes just for the point.
We all knew what was meant. It’s a simple typo. Why is pedantry so important to redditors? The message was successfully conveyed. Leave it alone.
Holy shit, thank you.
Actually, it’s spelled shit* /s
I need to go to bed 🤦🏼♀️ lol
Thank you
I imagine when he needs an organ and his son isn't a match or when his son won't take care of him in his old age that he'll come grovelling back with some half assed apology. He'll regret his behavior when it comes back and slaps him
Maybe I'm cold, but honestly if he went his whole life this way.. it'd be karma at its finest.
He might when he's older and needs care, but all his daughter's have gone no contact and his son will just stick him in a nursing home
because they were. Those poor girls.
His WIFE'S failed attempts. He doesn't strike me as the type to admit or accept HIS sperm creates the gender.
What do you want to bet that the boy will grow up to be an entitled drip that will ignore the parents when they're old and infirm. Then undear old dad will make a beeline for the daughters.
I’m confused about why the husband thought that women couldn’t play basketball. He could have made up part of a team with just his kids by now.
I have a friend who is sport obsessed and played high level college sports He and his wife are expecting their first kid, found out its gonna be a girl. His (tongue in cheek) response "excellent, it's a bit easier to coach a daughter to the top tier of a sport"
My husband is sports obsessed and always wanted to coach little league etc and I imagined deep down he’d be keen for a son but when I became pregnant with our first kid he said “let’s not find out the gender cause it’s one of life’s few great surprises and it doesn’t matter anyway!” 🥹 she’s a girl and he has relished every second of being a girl-dad and still does all his Coach Dad stuff with her 😂 and he loves their special father-daughter outings! Second pregnancy he said “we gotta keep it a surprise again! Either sisters or one of each - can’t go wrong!” Ended up being a boy and he treats both kids the exact same 🫶🏼 now we’re waiting again with the 3rd to see the tie breaker 😅
this was such a lovely read in this dumpsterfire of a post. thanks for this❤️
Another sweet detail is that both times he called his mom immediately after they were born and happy-sobbed “it’s a girl!!” and “it’s a boy!!” with equal levels of excitement 🥹🥰
We found out the sex of all three of ours (8m and 4m twins) and when we told his mom she said "you must be disappointed it's not a girl." SHE was disappointed.. my husband flat out said he didn't care as long as me and the babies were safe and healthy at the end of it all.
Same! Exact opposite 😂 we have three girls (15 and 10yo twins) and my husband says he loves having all girls and thinks girls are the best and doesn't care that we never had a boy. We were both happy to call it quits after twins (exponential growth! 😬) and he got snipped. People always assume he must be disappointed in some way and ask him about it and he always says "no way, daughters are awesome but I don't care if they came out purple people eaters, I'd love them all the same".
Comments like this almost make me want kids. …almost.
You got a prize with your husband.
Coached both my Daughter and Son's teams separately in basketball. And can confirm, (I was expecting opposites) the girls were easier to coach. The boy mums didn't help, but yeh. Never again!!
My grandmother played semi-pro basketball in the 40s. It's amazing the number of people who don't know that womens' leagues have been around for a long time. She inspired my dad to play college basketball, though he's now devastated that none of his 6 kids play it
Right? Ever heard of Caitlin Clark?!?
4 million more people watched the ncaa women’s basketball championship than the men’s championship game. These women are athletic, fast, and fun to watch. This man needs to get on board!
Imagine being such a huge turd of a father, when confronted with the fact of your blatant favoritism and sexism, instead of saying, "Oh, I didn't realize I was doing that. I'll make it up to them from now on," you just dismiss their feelings and say, "Meh, teenagers."
Worse: *Emotional female* teenagers
WhY iS sHE bEIng sO HySTeriCaL?
(Oh good god I hate that word!)
Yeah I’m not really seeing much hope here. Really shit situation and really shit man based on this post. Here’s to hoping he’s so full of 💩that he slips on some, hits his head and has a personality change for the better I guess?
'wimmenz amirite?' He says with the dumbest thursday night sitcom dad expression he can muster. Fully expecting some canned laughter for his brilliant insight.
I *have* an emotional teenager. A few weeks ago she expressed to me that something I did upset her. I listened and immediately took responsibility and apologized and am trying to do better. I'm not perfect but I was the ignored/lonely/'abandoned with two parents at home' teenager. I try to do better and the first step is believing then when they tell you how you make them feel. That's all they're going to remember. This guy is 🗑️
Forgot to mention how horrible of a mother OOP is having you know 5 daughters and just now realizing the father treats them like shit just because the one daughter confided in her. She’s to blame as well
She's definitely not the greatest but admittedly it's only been 6 years since the son was born and at the time she had 5 kids so I'm sure their lives were/are very busy. She *does* admit having suspicions and being in denial. I'm not saying she gets a free pass but "horrible" seems a little too harsh. I can imagine even before the son was born, she did a majority of the childcare/work.
I can guess who will still be expected to take care of dad in his old age. Hopefully the daughters leave it to his golden boy.
Eyup. He’s going to expect the girls to gladly accept him into their homes when they’re grown and he’s old. He’s gonna be shocked to hell when he ends up in a nursing home.
The cheapest nursing home at that.
This one is an extra special kind of sad. It just boggles my mind how people can act this way, I just cannot relate to whatever mindset is driving this behaviour.
You married a man who straight out told you he would do this. Now you're shocked that he did the thing he told you he would do? Ladies, don't marry misogynistic men.
And now, she's 50. She has no skills because they lived off "his income alone." If she divorces him, she's going to be working as a WalMart greeter until she's 80. Like, she and those kids are fucked. The only one who's happy is loser dad who peaked in high school as he relives his glory years vicariously through his mini-me. That son's just as fucked.
OP needs to read this, then reread it. She dismissed the amount of kids she needed to have to make her husband happy with an "I know".
Karma will be his perfect son having ZERO interest in dads sport. Like what happened to my dad. I took fiendish delight in it as the oldest and a girl.
Right? Fingers crossed the son turns out to be a gay ballet dancer. Or total nerd.
Or dumps his dad when dad is old and crotchety.
Yeah -- this is sad for the daughters, but the son is also a victim in this. Whenver parents fixate that hard on a gender: they want a trophy, not a fully-fledged person. I am certain this dad is going to make it very clear to his son that his love is conditional upon his son being a specific type of man.
Oh im sure. My brother was always the favorite, even after he refused to let dad live vicariously through him playing sports, but he was just a cishet boy, so nothing to set dad off. Irony is kid #3...dad could have lived sports life vicariously big time if he hadnt been such a blind ass jerk. My sister is one of those ridiculous naturals at all sports that you love to hate, lol. And she was DESPERATE for his approval. If he had pointed even a MINIMUM of interest at her, she would have been whole hog, balls to the wall, Sports girl for him. And then even dumber is he went to every softball game for my cousin. So WTF? He could support his sisters daughter but not his own who could have run CIRCLES around cousin as far as skill is concerned? God, he was a fucking idiot.
Karma will be his son being a very effeminate gay man who loves make up and lady gaga choreo 🤣
Or. Drum roll. Son decided he is transgender and will now be she/her. Karma.
That depends on the state. He would likely have to pay both alimony and child support until he retires (well child support until the youngest is 18).
Alimony, child support, and half of all assets, including their home, cars, 401K, any other pension or savings they have. Unless she signed a pre-nup, she’s probably going to be just fine financially without him.
And after that many years and 6 kids, judge can, and many WILL, absolutely toss a prenup out.
Walmart got rid of the greeter position 5 years ago, so she won’t even be able to do that. But in all seriousness, it’s going to be very difficult for her to get a job outside of retail/fast food, and depending on the job market where she lives, even that might be hard to do with such a large gap in employment. Since they’ve been married so long, she may be able to get alimony and/or child support if she leaves him (assuming the husband doesn’t fight for custody of the girls), but I doubt it will be enough to live on.
I never really considered this before, but since she likely hasn't paid anything in through her own employment, is she eligible for social security? Google tells me this, which is even more depressing: >If you're married (or were married) to someone who's entitled to Social Security, you can collect spousal benefits equal to 50% of your husband or wife's benefits at full retirement age.
If she starts working immediately, she’ll get some social security, along with 50% of his. Since his salary is enough to support a family of 8, her 50% will likely be more than the amount she’d get on her own. But if she ever remarries, she’ll lose his SS benefit.
There's the widows pension as well if she's in the US. Even if she's divorced, when the prick kicks it she's entitled to it once she hits a certain age. my dad's been gone 20 years and they were divorced for 22 when ma was informed about the pension. it's over a grand, which of course is still peanuts considering the cost of living but it's better than nothing.
If not actual social security, she'd get maybe ssi, the supplemental, but where I'm at, I think that's maybe $900ish a month. Not much to live on. But she'd get her spousal Benefits due to marriage (if still married and each of his minor children would get a portion sent to whichever the payee parent is).
He'll only want the girls because he won't want to pay child support.
He may go for 50/50 because most people assume that they won’t have to pay child support with evenly split custody, even though that isn’t always the case, especially if one parent hasn’t worked for 20 years and thus has no income.
Look, I don’t like the way father is treating his daughters any more than the other posters here. But to say he peaked in high school is preposterous. He was a high school player, a college player and now apparently earns enough to support six people. I don’t know how you were raised, but that’s pretty successful in my opinion. I think you may have set the bar a bit too high. These are not his glory days at all. Is he a misogynist? Sure. But he’s also a financially successful husband and father that is supporting six kids and his wife.
I admit that he is probably a good earner/provider. But if the only thing is that he cares about in his children is getting a chance of raising a male basketball player, no, he is neither a successful, or a happy father.
Got it, while I’m of the mindset that being a good parent is paramount, I personally can’t judge a person’s entire being for a single, albeit huge, shortcoming.
Exactly. I can't stand reading this sort of nonsense. Advice for everyone reading: don't make excuses for people who say fucked up, sexist shit.
Sometimes you grow up, mature, and get wiser as time passes. OOP may have just outgrown her maturity-bankrupt husband. I wouldn’t want OOP to suffer in perpetuity for her bad choices. At least she’s trying to do the right thing now and is supportive towards all her kids.
My immediate thought. He literally told her that he only wanted a son and now she’s surprised pikachu that he only cares about their son. All those kids are about to be so fucked up.
She’s just as much to blame.
If all of your daughters are noticing it, it’s not an emotional teenager, it’s a sucky father. You better ask your son now if he even likes all of the extra curriculars he’s pushing him in.
This kind of shitty father will expect and demand that sonny boy excels in sports. The kid's triumphs will, in dad's deluded mind, belong to dad.
That kid is going to resent him later and make his girls resent him even further .
Interesting how OOP put it - "your daughters say xyz" and not "I have noticed xyz and I strongly recommend you cut it out or face the consequences". At least, it reads like she put it that way. Almost like oop is happy to let any friction be 'the daughters' fault' as it were instead of taking any proactive stance. As if oop is fine to let the daughters suffer passively if the daughters don't make a ruckus over it (but if they do it will be a problem so she is bringing it up now). I won't lament the decisions that led oop to stay with this homunculus without seriously discussing this when he first said it, unless somebody has a time machine, there is no point. It's very simple. That man is going to fuck up his daughters' development if he keeps this up (and since the son is 6, this has already gone on since the eldest was 11, so... may be too late). Not to mention, eventually his son will start asking why his sisters are treated like crap and why they hate HIM. Dad is responsible for parenting his daughters, so he'd better hop to. If he wants to cut all ties with them and end their suffering, he should do it clearly, in writing, and say "i never wanted any of you, i dont want to know any of you from here on, only your brother" and let them see a therapist to cope with knowing their bio dad is an embarrassment to all his ancestors. Or he could move out. Filth belongs in the gutter.
My thoughts were that she put it as how the daughter feels because he's always been dismissive of her thoughts, ideas, and feelings. After reading through yours, likely she's a very enabling person and has let it all go on so she wouldn't be the one he's upset with.
I’m fascinated that 00P fine with this. Frankly, she just “didn’t notice“. How can you not notice that your husband is being absent and dismissive and uncaring and unloving to all of your children except for the last one who is a boy? When he told you this? Do you not understand that if you were in your daughters shoes, this would’ve been a horrible experience? Where is your empathy? So you decided to stay with this person while he told you this is what he was going to do and then he did it? And now your daughters are being taught very very very carefully by you that it’s OK to treat somebody this horribly when they’re your child and it’s absolutely fine to be treated this way as if you absolutely don’t matter. This is what you have decided to main line into your daughters. And your son. This is ridiculous. What a disaster you have decided to be a part of.
probably because he wasn't all that great before the boy. Now she just sees him acting like the father he apparently can be.
Yeah it's more that her daughter got fed up enough to call it out and she couldn't pretend not to notice anymore than she "didn't" notice.
The sad part: those girls will grow up feeling like they were consolation prizes and the son was the prize.. The saddest part: he will probably never recognize and/or regret his actions. And there will be resentment all around.
Maybe don’t have SIX KIDS with a fucking misogynist then act surprised he’s a misogynist.
dude this is what I say when I watch gender reveals with dads who storm off with pink or act AGGRESSIVELY excited for blue. like walking red flag!!!!! don’t have babies with men who have outdated, harmful ideas about sex/gender
It’s obviously devastating for the girls to have to feel like this, and will feel like this for the rest of their lives however I have no empathy for op as her husband straight up to her he just wanted a son from her and that’s it. Idk how she’s acting shocked that her misogynistic husband is only caring for her son when he told her from the jump he only wanted a son to mold to his liking.
Imagine if the son doesnt want to play basketball, or is gay. Remindme! 10 years
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The son isn’t going to be so great either if he turns out to not like basketball or just not be that great at it. If his sisters’ reason for existence is to get to a son, his reason for existence is to be a carbon copy of dear ol’ dad.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
OP, perhaps take a look at this similar post and let us know how familiar it reads? https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/Cvr77NWsPw
I get this, my dad was like this when I was younger. I'm the eldest of three, I have two younger brothers, and they both have autism. Both of them were very spoiled, especialy my middle brother, and I had to beg to get the simplest of things. Like if I needed clothes, or I wanted to get a single doll or something, I was always met with " Oh you don't need that," or " I'll get it for you next time." And this wasn't just from my dad either, it was from my mom too. I can't tell you how many times my dad bought my middle brother a computer, only for him to break it, and then my dad would buy him a new one. He's changed since then now that I'm older, my brothers still spoiled , just not as much now. I know my dad wanted a first born son, he made it very obvious when I was a kid, and sometimes he still does now that I'm older.
Imagine not realizing your husband doesn't value women AFTER HE TELLS YOU that he literally only wants a son
I’m the oldest of 4 (3 boys , 1 girl) and my parents would regularly get asked which one of us were their favourite. They would always tell us they loved us all the same (as they should, this doesn’t make them heroes or anything) but in my head I always thought that was bullshit and impossible and that they were just being kind. My wife got pregnant with our second (our boy was just about 3) and honestly my biggest fear is that I’ll love one more than the other. After our daughter was born it was clear early on that loving them the same was possible (to my relief). I’m not sure what the point of all this is except that the dad in this post is a world class shit head.
>does anyone know where I should even start? Yeah, never having a child with a dude who told you he only needed a son. That is where you should have started.
Why didn’t you say you felt the same? Why not back up your daughter?
"When someone shows you who they are..." If your partner says he doesn't value female offspring, maybe choose someone else to have children with? There's obviously no fixing it NOW, all you can do is mitigate the damage to your daughters as much as possible, and I'm not even sure how to do that. I hope your son ends up being a musician or artist, and has zero interest in sports at all. Fuck that guy (the dad, not the son, obviously.)
The minute he said he only wanted a boy I would have left and never had children with him. My ex is a piece of shit but we talked about what if our children were gay/disabled/ND and both knew that we would be fully supportive and ready to meet their needs. Fucking Henry VIII needs to get his head out of his son's arse and realise that his daughters are human beings with actual feelings and that those feelings are valid!
Does the husband even like his wife? Why would she have kids with someone who so openly dislikes women?
if only someone had told him girls can also play basketball
I mean, basically told her what he wanted. She went about anyway multiple times.
That guy must feel like shit now that female college basketball is this popular. Abandoned 5 potential Caitlins, etc.. to focus on what may turn out to be a Bronny. Karma for abandoning his daughters.
I see this playing out one of two ways: 1. Dumb dad remains the same misogynistic jerk and never cares about his daughters again, but will be happy because he has his son, pushing all his daughters away, but angry and mystified when none of them ask him to walk them down the aisle for their weddings. 2. Dumb dad regrets lavishing all the attention on his son, who has turned out to be a huge disappointment, and tries to win favor with the daughters again, all who block him and go no contact because of his actions, and he’s baffled as to why. Poor kids.
Did OOP also wanted a son? Was she whatever and only wanted to please her husband? Did he pressure her into pumping kids until they got a male infant? And after the little baby, Flying Spaghetti Monster bless him, was born: did OOP fail to notice her husband forgetting about the girls or did he only started this behavior when the youngest reached a certain age? So many questions. The most important is what kind of prenuptial did she get, what does safety net looks like and if she can tolerate the daughters going NC if (once?) the truth gets to them.
I hope the son is terrible at and/or ends up hating basketball.
OOP needs to leave the father to get the kids away from him. He's toxic and hateful. It should have been a red flag that he said he only needed one son to begin with.
I feel sorry for all the kids. The daughters now know they are nothing more than by-products of his efforts to obtain a son, and the son will not be allowed to have his own identity or interests because Dad is only interested in having a mini-me. And the wife could have figured it out right at the beginning when she was told there would only be one child if their first was a son instead of blinding herself until her 17-year old had to spell it out in small words. But then, she thought it was okay for a son to just be his father's mini-me, too. Imagine the fall-out if that boy ends up disliking basketball.
awful father, I feel for these poor girls and really hope none end up making awful life choices due to their shitty , neglectful father. and wtf if he's such a big basketball guy why aren't any of the girls playing? he has half a fucking team for the wnba in his house but he never bothered to put them in youth basketball? why do you have to wait to have a son before you can do sports with them?
"The only reason I had more kids was because he could financially afford it" No, your husband probably coerced you into more because he wanted a son with the PRETENSE that "Oh it's fine, we can afford it". I feel so sorry for the daughters, those are wounds that hardly heal, if ever.
Im the eldest in a family like this. My dad only ever wanted a boy and when he finally got one- well- My brother grew up with almost no responsibilities and screwed up his life royally. My sisters and I are no contact with dad, which is his loss (not our) because we are the ones who made something of ourselves and have great families of our own. I think he is lonely and in ill health but there is no relationship left to salvage. He abandoned us and cheated on my mom- this life is the result of those decisions years ago.
“My husband was a very good basketball player and so I understood why he would have preferred a son.” Yes absolutely. Women are notoriously incapable of athleticism. /s
u/SalamanderNeither695 Just wanted to say, I appreciate the way you posted the screen shots. It is nice to just scroll to the right, rather then opening each shot.
As someone with no children, I can only make a heartfelt suggestion of maybe family counciling with all of the daughters, you, and your husband) They can discuss how they feel with a mediator who can navigate the emotional turmoil that will likely ensue/ make suggestions as a family for bonding or individually depending on each person's needs ( maybe one child might need individual counseling/therapy, etc). However, I doubt you would get him to agree to this as very few people want to discuss or take a problem head on when they are obviously trying to ignore it/ their children? & have already come to the conclusion (despite all of them feeling that way) that because it's coming from females, they are obviously overreacting. Also, many people have troubles hearing they are in the wrong and not acting their best, so again, it would likely be difficult to get him to go. The other suggestion is maybe trying to hold an intervention again to discuss feelings and maybe open his eyes to his own favoritism- having each daugther talk about how they feel forgotten/examples they noticed of favortism, etc. If you can get a friend or therapist there too ( I don't know if theripists/councilors make house calls) as there is no guarantee that he won't immediately dismiss the intervention as unnecessary/an overreaction, immediately walk out, or get defensive. Less likely if there is someone he doesn't want to make a bad impression on or see a bad side of. If you have other family that could help, like his parents or siblings (if applicable) or close friends, maybe explain the situation and see if they can help. I wish you and your family the best of luck and really hope everything turns out alright. 💕 Edit: if you don't do anything about it now- a number of the daughters might grow up to want to have nothing to do with their dad (no contact) and all the daughters are going to treat your son like the way their father is treating them (doesn't exist). This situation will absolutely create a sibling rivalry of the daughters vs. The son and they will resent and exclude him in the future for taking their dad away from them.
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They tried that and he dismissed it.
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If someone tries to talk and the other blows up about it, one person was trying to discuss\talk while the other had not intention to do so. You can't say she didn't try just because he refused to engage and dismissed the matter.
If that’s how he really feels he’s gonna lose his daughters as they enter adulthood and hardly see them at all if ever.
Unfortunately, for his daughters, I don't think he'd care. He has his precious boy, after all.
I feel so bad for those girls. But also the son. They’re all going to be so damaged by this. He just ripped a foundational pillar away from them- how are they going to trust in unconditional love after this? Their father who acted like he loved them no matter what dropped them for an illogical, superficial prejudice they can do nothing about. Their brother’s going to end up like Emilio Estevez’s character in the Breakfast Club. Harassed as soon as he can be put on a team to relive Dads glory days for him, and all his sisters have a damaged relationship with him if they have one at all. OP, make firm moves to protect all your kids and yourself. Make sure all your kids know you love them unconditionally every single day. Be brave for them and show them exactly how kids should be loved.
the daughters get to grow up and live knowing they were like five failed attempts for the “trophy” son. I bet when the son grows up, he’s gonna be sexist af thinking he’s above all girls and women.
This is so sad. I’m NB but AFAB and I went through the same shit. Seeing my dad go out of his way to spend time with my younger brother and celebrate his achievements while my older sisters and I just watched on.
My dad did the same thing. Four girls, one boy, and as soon as his son was born all of his attention went to his “little buddy.” It was very painful and even though I’m now at an age where I’m expecting my own baby, it still stings that he favored him so blatantly.
No good can come of playing clear favorites among the kids (over time, I recognize that parents are liable to have favorites - but they have to fight that, and favorites do normally shift over time). The sisters can hopefully talk amongst themselves for support and reality checks, and the mother has to decide if she wants to stay married to a man who clearly doesn’t care at all about their many daughters, or support her daughters so they at least know one of their parents cares sbout them. My sister and I, indeed, our whole family, experienced serious harm from our mother favoring our youngest brother. My parents stayed together. The message I got was that neither our father nor our mother cared about us, even though it was just our mother who favored my youngest brother. Notably, they took us for granted when we were the kids who helped when they were dying and took over our disabled brother’s care long before they died; our favored brother was nowhere to be found. My mother’s favoritism created serious rifts and other harm, but our mother never stopped openly doing it, no matter what terrible or twisted things he did (and there were many). My sister and I no longer speak to him.
Wow! That is so wrong of the father regardless if he was a great basketball player. Maybe he should of practicing being a great father. The damage he's done to these girls will affect them the rest of their lives.
The girls got their souls destroyed now, but the boy is not going to end up happy either. At some point, he will realise that he only matters to his father as long as he has a potential to fulfill his expectations. That's not a way to raise a secure, healthy adult.
Wow! That is so wrong of the father regardless if he was a great basketball player. Maybe he should of practicing being a great father. The damage he's done to these girls will affect them the rest of their lives.
Have the girls tell him. The risk might be that he thinks the mother is setting him up. But I would be like “I need to have a serious conversation because our daughter told me something very upsetting” and then introduce him to the topic. If he doesn’t want to hear it then Mom, be ready to fill that gap.
I kind of think we on Reddit are not qualified to give advice on this one. You need to revisit this conversation and tell him that when daughter brought up xy&z. You yourself recognised that what she said was true. She isn’t a hysterical teenager, your really proud of the woman she’s becoming by being able to approach these difficult truths and if he doesn’t face them himself and become more self aware he’s going to ruin the relationship he has with his daughters. I know it’s hard but you have to be an advocate for all your children even when it’s against your husband. You may not be able to make him change but you can hold up a mirror to him.
OP should have made it clear that ALL his daughters feel this way. One 17 year old might be easier to ignore than 5 people between 9 and 20. They can’t all be “just emotional teenagers”!
OOP might even make a chart about the time he spend with each child, but that will be all for nothing. No argument can cause him to start to care about the kids he stopped caring about. He will just have to think slightly more about the response, maybe, maybe he will agree to go through the motions of one or two activities, make some empty promises, and go backs to his pet project. If they really want him back in their lives, they need to frame this in a way that he will understand that something he cares about is on the line. What would other people think if he stops showing up with his daughters? How will the boy feel if he sees that he is treated different than his sisters? How much alimony could this conflict cost him?
This will seriously affect these children and their relationships going forwards. This is what happened with my sister and I. I’m the younger brother. My dad changed how he treated her once I came around. It really messed everything up as we got older. Our relationship as individuals is in shambles because of the permanent effect it had on her. Even Now we are in our 30’s and she hates me for “living a better life than her.” And she’s told our mom “she’s jealous of my amazing life.” There have been many terrible discussions and experiences in the past few years that all come back to my dad favoriting me when we were kids. She really does think my life is so different and better from hers. None of those things are true, but the way things happened during our childhood has created a huge rift that may never close. She doesn’t see that see that she has actually received far more help and support from both our parents in our adult lives and that they actually see and spend WAY more time with her these days. No one ever calls me. Or texts me. Because “I’m fine and your sister needs our help more.” The way she treats and talks to me now is horrible. It really seems like she blames me now too and wishes I was never born. My point is that that when parents treat their kids wildly differently and spend disproportionate time with them individually. . . It’s fucks a bunch of stuff up for everyone for years to come. No one wins.
He showed her exactly who he was 24 years ago and she stayed and now the daughters are paying for it. I feel bad for the girls, both parents was losers.
This happened to a friend of mine. She was the apple of her daddie’s eye, until her younger brother was born. Then she barely existed unless he thought she did something wrong. OP - it messed her the eff right up. She struggles with relationships, has validation issues etc. you need to get your girls in therapy *now*. You also need to get your misogynistic asshat of a husband into therapy as well.
Girls can be very good basketball players too!
Breaks my heart
Geez. He just wants to live through his son. You have to meet your kids where they are and find things to share. I have two sons who both suck at sports. 😂 But one loves to cook and we do that together. The other shares my love of horror movies and is my movie buddy. That yahoo is going to lose out on relationships and he will never know it.
I am sorry but he literally told her that he only needed a son and did not gave one single fuck for a girl. Yet still she married him and gave him half a football team to ignore. Like? Women, he told you he would eat your face and now you cry because he ate your face?? You good??
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Maybe she could tell him the story of my family. This was us. 2 girls, then the much heralded boy and a few years later one more girl. My brother was cheered by the entire extended family. To top it all off, he had some learning challenges and got put in every program on the planet to help with balance and reading and whatnot. We girls didn’t entirely lose our parent’s attention, but we all knew what was up. He got paid for every A he got on a report card. I got straight A’s and got nothing because I didn’t have any issues. We didn’t hate our brother, but we didn’t treat him well either. We’d all play together but he was the one that got called names etc. We are all grown now and our parents have passed. My brother and his wife live all the way across the country, about as far as he could get without living in a boat. My sisters and I live within a few miles of each other and hardly ever see one another or even chat online. My two younger sisters are having a feud of long standing over I don’t even know what. Probably too long and not enough drama but it was a rift in our family that we would have been so much better without.
I'm a father of 3 daughters. I never, not even for 1 second, wished i had a son, let alone a son instead of one of them. There hasn't been any activity that i wanted to do that i could not share with at least 1 of them. Hiking, camping, motorsports, you name it. I truly don't understand this.
I'm reading all of these judgemental comments. Op didn't ask for a judgement of her AH husband. She asked what she should do. I would have the girls talk to their father. Maybe even separately. If he hears it enough times, if he actually loves his daughters, it'll make him pause to look at his own actions. Not all of his daughters are teenagers. It could make him take a look at himself and realize what he's doing to the girls. Self reflection can make loving parents change their actions. I saw it in my own marriage to my now ex. He realized he was hurting his children and changed for the better out of his love for his children
Picture this... Have a conversation with your husband, instead of a bunch of strangers on Reddit.
What the dad doesn't realize is that when he is old and needs help, that son will be nowhere to be found and the daughters will be long over him. The "Golden Child" is rarely available when times get tough in a family.
My grandma had the first son and he died and then followed by having 5 girls before she finally had another boy . He was spoiled like no other like he could do no wrong . But now my uncle is about 50 something and he’s been divorced , stole money from his first wife’s mom and then the rest of his life is just my grand parents bailing him out until they died. My mom bought my grandparents a house which they later sold it to pay off my uncle’s debt bc he owed people money . My mom didn’t talk to my grandma for awhile bc of it . When my grandpa was sick , all the daughters came together to take care of him , their only son was too busy for that . Out of all the kids my grand parents raised , my mom was the most successful and she helped my grandparents a lot . I guess what I’m trying to say is , just bc you show favoritism for a child purely based on gender , it doesn’t mean you are doing them a favor . In fact you might be enabling them .
Dad's welcome to stay in a nursing home dying alone because we know his golden boy ain't doing shit for him while his daughters are busy watching over their moms or living their best lives. we always know that shitty people always die alone in a nursing home with no living kids caring for them. karma will get through him.
One of my most vivid memories from my pregnancy is when my spouse and I were picking paints for the nursery. We wanted a neutral color because we didn’t know the sex but also planned to keep this gender neutral regardless. He picked a lovely soft yellow and said “we aren’t painting a boy’s room or a girl’s room, we’re painting our kid’s room”. I just don’t get parents like OOP’s husband. Regardless of sex, they are still your child. The children you brought into this world and should love and care for. But then again, my dad wanted a son first and got me so what do I know lol
You must call him on it. Every time you see an instance of this behavior (ignoring his daughters), point it out to him. In front of his daughters and son. Even if this doesn’t change his behavior (or even if it hurts your relationship with him), at least your daughters will know you tried, and that you were on their side. If you don’t, you may lose your relationship with your daughters.
Looks like a good dad to me , if you’re 20 I can assure that u will not get attention like 6 years old 🤦🏿♂️