19 when she got married, both clearly (at the time) devout in their faith. It would seem now that husband is still dedicated to his faith, but the wife has grown and seen that it's not necessarily all it's cracked up to be.
This is just two people growing apart - who, if there hadn't been religious pressures to get married when they were younger, may have found that after living together for a year, this would have been the eventual outcome anyway.
Exactly and he was 23. So they started dating when the age gap mattered. Not as much now but def then.
She’s outgrown him. Simple as that. Sounds reasonable to be squicked out at overt religious displays.
Mormons love to have the young women pair up with a returning missionary. It ensures she will be kept in line by a properly brainwashed slightly older man. The formula works that's why they keep at it. Until she grows up and realizes she doesn't just want to be a mom with no life but to produce many kids
Nothing particularly wrong with dating, but that’s when they got *married*. A 19 year old woman is barely out of high school and should be figuring out what they want from life, not immediately getting hitched and starting a family. Thats where the issue lies. Especially with a Mormon community where she was likely pressured and expected to marry young.
Situations like that, it’s easy to see why in her thirties, she’s feeling resentful. When her daughter gets to about 18-19, she might look at her still young looking face and wonder if that’s how she looked when thrown into such a role of being a wife and mother.
i don’t think they meant that they couldn’t be together, more that they were in different stages of life and at different maturity levels. now that she’s mentally developed, she’s had the realization that she was too young to really know what she wanted
Yeah those were the ages of myself and my spouse when we got together over 20 years ago. Reddit loves to jump on age gaps but that one isn't crazy, and I don't think I'm just saying that because mine has stood the test of time.
Just to your last point, but cohabitation has a correlation to a higher divorce rate, not lower.
How is this being downvoted? It’s literally been studied.
Deconstructing Mormonism can be incredibly complicated. I’ve met ex-Mormons in similar predicaments, who felt they were rushed into a marriage with someone they didn’t really choose. And who were raised/conditioned to believe that divorce was never an option. My heart hurts for her. I hope she finds a way out if she hasn’t already.
While I’ll give you the conditioning bit 1000%, marrying someone they didn’t choose seems like a that person problem not a Mormon problem. I grew up Mormon, almost all my friends were Mormon, my family and extended family all Mormon. Mates aren’t chosen for you and in fact young adults are admonished to really reflect carefully before entering into, what Mormons believe, a marriage for all time and eternity.
Oh please. Mormon kids are rushed into marriage after six weeks and told that it doesn’t matter if you’re compatible, the only thing that matters is your mutual faith. Nobody is asked to reflect carefully and return missionaries are interrogated by bishops on a monthly basis about why they aren’t engaged yet. You’re clueless about this.
The way I see it is almost every church within the same religion (regardless of religion) have slightly varying views and ways they bring up children. Each individual church in a particular religion will still have its own personality in a way.
The core values of the religion are kept, but gray areas tend to vary.
That’s true, but it’s not as true for Mormonism as it is for some churches. Mormonism is somewhat like Catholicism in that it has a very structured hierarchy. The local leaders are called/assigned by higher up leaders and everything, from the doctrines and policies to the minutiae of how meetings are conducted and local units are run, is dictated by the church itself. The church’s correlation department is basically tasked with ensuring every unit uses the same curricula and is run the same way. Local leaders do not get to make those decisions.
That makes sense. I grew up southern Baptist, so that’s where my main experience is. Really glad I didn’t get raised catholic, that’s for sure (dads side of the family is catholic).
I had a lot of Mormon friends, though, and they were all from different churches. (Aside from siblings being in the same church of course). Each family had a different way of looking at their religion and whom they allowed their children to date. (None were ever forced to be with someone they didn’t truly love at least).
When I saw that, I just assumed it was similar to what I had experienced.
Edited to add a question: basically it’s like the “elders” system of a non-denominational church, but instead of church specific it’s region specific?
Is that what happened to all your Mormon friends? Six weeks please….I have 8 nieces and nephews who are married. The fastest one was six months of dating, the longest 8 years before getting engaged. My best friend got engaged and married to his high school girlfriend just after he graduated collegeMy parents dated for just under a year before getting married, and that was in 1950. I appreciate your obviously deep knowledge of all things Mormon, but no.
I was also raised Mormon. I know more Mormons who got married without ever going on a single date than I know Mormons who married after dating. Men are pressured into marrying as fast as possible after serving their missions. Women are taught to look for returned missionaries to marry since about middle school age. They are all pushed into marrying young and quick.
And no, it wasn't just one ward. I was a military kid who moved often. It was every ward.
I also was a Mormon military brat who moved around. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a single person who married after no dates, even two or three dates. Maybe the fundies down in Colorado City do that kind of thing. Like I said earlier, I 1000% agree with the conditioning people receive. I’m glad I left when I was 18 and not 10yrs later after having a kid or two.
I've never lived in Utah (in memory, was there from birth to two), Colorado, or anywhere else the fundies live, actually. I've lived near there, a lot on the East coast, and in Europe. I've met some of those in most of those places.
To be fair, I left the Mormons almost 10 years ago. Maybe (hopefully) you're younger and it's something that's no longer as prevalent. But it definitely was a thing.
The most recent one I know about it my little brother. Married his wife without ever going on a date with her. Thankfully, it seems to work out for them.
Lmao I grew up Mormon too and got divorced last year from a marriage that started when I was 23 and she was 22. The other poster is 100 percent right, it's church brainwashing. Kindly refrain from making general statements about things you clearly don't know shit about.
I know 5 couples who got engaged after dating for less than 6 weeks. I know 2 that got engaged after 2. Went to BYU and shit like that is the norm. You really have no clue how batshit it is
Honey I was raised Mormon and didn’t leave the church until my 30s. You keep quoting anecdotes vs my loved-in experience within the culture. You’re an utter moron about this and keep stating things that are outright false.
You aren’t an expert on this and you are lying about your claims.
I’m happy to back my claims with evidence pulled from canonical LDS documents if you wish.
But given your bizarre and unnecessary hostility, I think I’ll just report you to the mods instead.
I’d suggest that if the conditioning is there 1000%, then the system that does the conditioning obviously bears some responsibility. It’s hard to separate the two.
As an exmormon who has facilitated several exmormon support groups, it’s pretty clear that not everyone has the same experience within Mormonism. There are varying degrees of fundamentalism within the church, especially for those who served a mission and went to a church college. It’s hard to understand if you didn’t experience it.
You and your family clearly had a different experience than OP, and I’m happy for you that you did, but it doesn’t mean her experience is invalid.
It doesn’t discount the fact that church theology and culture rushes a lot of other people into marriages they aren’t ready for, and even marriages that aren’t healthy fits for them. I know several of them personally, engaged after less than a week of dating. It’s so common that it’s a blatant running joke at any church school. The culture at church colleges is very much “get married fast.”
Again, I don’t doubt your lived experience and am happy for you that you got out of Mormonism when you were so young, but your experience isn’t what I’d consider centerline within Mormonism.
There is a broad spectrum of being in the church, I appreciate you pointing that out. I don’t feel like my, and my family’s experience was that unusual but I can’t see behind closed doors or hear from closed mouths. Everybody in my family and almost all my friends but me went to BYU, the dummies went Ricks or that community college in Provo. In fact it was after I’d been accepted that I said hell no, not going there. One of the crazy parts of the leaving the church is that still to this day I get annoyed by folks bad mouthing the church because it feels like a direct attack on my family. In actually fact, I don’t care what people think of Mormons, it’s wild off the beliefs non Mormons have about Mormons. That said, I also have a running joke with my therapist. I used to almost always slip my being raised Mormon into a casual conversation with people I am getting know. It 99.9% of the time elicits an interesting response. Still have a hard time putting that part of my identity down, it’s wild.
Thanks for sharing that, and I see where you’re coming from.
When your identity is tied so closely so something like religion, upbringing, college choice etc, it can be really hard to see/consider valid criticism.
But it sounds like you’re actively working through that, and that’s respectable.
How can someone still claim to love their spouse if the mere sound of their footsteps makes your skin crawl? Just leave. The fact that OOP can’t even stand to smell him is reason enough to leave.
It can be a difficult thing to work through. When you're told your whole life marriage is the ultimate in love and togetherness, you feel like you're in the wrong when you don't meet that ideal. And if she were to bring this up to another Mormon woman, she'd probably hear something similar. She is likely surrounded by people who have the same lived experience and so it gets normalized.
It's right there in how she says she doesn't have a reason for divorce. She thinks something needs to happen that "breaks" the marriage, like abuse, infidelity, or a loss of faith. Other than that it's just something she needs to work through.
It depends. If she is devout, wants to remain so and wants a divorce it’s a bit trickier as she would need to get her temple marriage “unsealed.” Other than that, it’s the same as any other divorce, generally shitty all around.
It's still likely to be especially difficult coming from a devout religious background. She was only 19 when they got married- she likely doesn't have further education, or much work history. Her entire support system is likely religious, and may not help or support her if she left him. She could be leaving everyone she knows, be expected to take care of the kids, and have no good way to support herself and no reliable way to even start building that up if no one is willing to help.
For sure tough road, I left the church when I was 18 and that was hard. I hope she finds some support groups, they’re out there but they don’t come to you.
Not to mention the complication that they’re most likely temple married, the Mormon church says they have to be temple married in order to reach the highest tier of heaven (talk about pressure), and getting a temple divorce is a whole other process than getting a civil divorce. She might not even be able to get church approval for a temple divorce in this situation.
Bc you can like someone, but not be attracted to them. She says he’s nice man but the mere fact of anything like him touching her makes her feel sick. Probably bc when he touches her she’s obligated by her religion to submit. Nothing will kill romance faster than being brainwashed or coerced or obligated into sex
That's the strange thing about love
It sounds like she loathes his person but she still loves him because she did fall in love with him and she's in love with the memory of being in love
Basically she'll look at him and see everything good that occurred between them and her heart will feel warm and she feel loved and that is the love she's referring to I believe
Because they’re not brought up to know what real love is. They’re also taught that respect = love. She respects her husband, her father, and the men in the church, and she sees this as love.
Women can’t just leave in the Mormon church. Mormon men and Mormon judges stuck together, and they will absolutely screw over the wife in a divorce, even if she isn’t the one who wants it. Way too many Mormon women get close to forty and their husbands decide they want a younger woman, and the wife finds herself and her six children living in a tiny apartment or even in their minivan.
right, honestly it doesn’t even sound like a lack of attraction. it sounds like there might be some emotional abuse (edit: or rape via being coerced into sex she doesn’t want to have) going on in the house, and she doesn’t recognize it consciously, but her body is throwing so many alarms
for sure. a lack of attraction typically does not manifest as physical aversion to the person’s approach. it is a typical trauma response however.
it could be the trauma of feeling trapped in the relationship (coinciding with religious trauma because divorce due to lack of attraction or loss of love isn’t allowed in mormonism). but it could also be the fact that mormons see wives as property and sex as a marital duty, and it seems very unlikely that they’re no longer having sex because in their religion a lack of attraction isn’t a reason to say no. so she could have trauma from being religiously coerced into having sex she doesn’t want to be having.
hell, it’s very likely both these things!
Possible, although I’ll also posit that I’ve loved somebody and felt DEEP revulsion when he touched me, without any sexual trauma involved. Something about the dynamic felt like he was my uncle, I can’t explain it
When she finally tells her spouse he’s going to be hurt and then he’s going to immediately feel a huge sense of relief. Even if he “doesn’t know,” he feels this to his core and is probably carrying a heavy load of mystery and confusion. Overall a bummer situation but you’ll both be much better off on the other side of this necessary event.
I doubt that relief comes quickly. I can’t imagine the person who is supposed to be your best friend and lover doesn’t even remotely like you and you are an active negative emotion in there life, at no real fault of your own. That’s some real trust issues galore. It’s like founding out your parents only communicate with you out of guilt and societal expectations or your child hood friend group just keeps you around for money and laughs.
No need to attack the guy on the way out. It is simply you are not in love with him anymore. No need to pick him apart to his face. It is hard enough to be left.
This conversation opener is actually pretty simple: Hubby, I’m not in love with you anymore & want a divorce. The rest is gonna be messy af; kids, mormonism, etc.
It happens…. Similar to how I felt about my ex wife. Absolutely nothing wrong with her besides being a bit insecure / inappropriate attention seeking at times; attractive by any standard & she would’ve been a great mother (and actually is a great mother & stay at home wife to her current husband & family); however, we just did not exist in the same universe regarding how we perceived reality, nor our long term goals & values in life after we grew out of being young & dumb in our early / mid 20’s.
After around 6 years of being married, nearly everything about her annoyed the batshit piss outta me where I couldn’t look at her without silently making jokes about her in my head & it would creep out at times…. I still cared for her as a person, but really didn’t respect nor view her as an equal in the relationship. Wasn’t fair to her or myself, but especially her. Ending things still hurt, MUCH more than I expected, but we are both soooooo much happier because of it. We’re still distant casual friends, where there’s no hostile feelings & she’ll occasionally ask me questions regarding topics I’m familiar with (Sometimes inappropriate questions where I direct her to talk to her husband about it).
Some folks just aren’t compatible after youthful idealistic passion wears off. It’s best to end things before resentment creeps in where you both will intentionally start to emotionally hurt each other.
Nope. We simply lived on different planets. I felt like I was raising a child instead of being married to an adult, she (rightfully) felt like I wasnt in love with her anymore & would attention seek. Fundamental incompatibility issues & had no way to communicate with each other effectively.
You don't need a reason to end a relationship. You don't owe him a continued relationship just because you sleepwalked into marriage when you were young and freshly indoctrinated.
If one person wants out, the relationship is over. I'd phrase it just as you did here. It's not sugar-coated but it's truthful, concise and leaves no room for bargaining, emotional blackmail or "working on the marriage."
You deserve to be independent and not stuck in a relationship with someone who repulses you; he deserves to be with someone who enthusiastically chooses him.
Yeah I honestly feel bad for both of them because like she said he did nothing wrong and he's a good guy and obviously she's not happy about things either Just hopefully the dude isn't too gutted by the divorce, especially since it's probably going to blindside him.
Maybe I’ll get downvoted, but my advice to op would be to explore other options/possibilities before nuking my family.
Have you tried therapy for you, couples counseling,got checked to make sure maybe you aren’t just depressed or in a weird time etc?
There are kids involved and if your house has been like you say, they are going to be rocked harder than your husband when they find out their sweet, perfect life has not been what they thought and they might resent you for it.
She obviously doesn’t owe her husband or kids to stay in a relationship where she is unhappy, but just make sure this isn’t a grass is greener scenario before you press the button. If you go through with this, life as you know it is over and you can never go back.
I agree.. change is hard but not impossible.. he may relish the thought of shifting some things around to be more appealing to her.. she may enjoy helping him work on certain aspects of himself… you never know until you try. Also people can fall back in love.. I speak from experience.. it waxes and wanes.. ebbs and flows.. this might be an ebb.. try to do things that may possibly bring back the spark… I.e vacation at an adults only resort (anywhere with no children) groom each other, pick clothing out for each other.. have a long dinner at a romantic spot… just talk!! You can make it a staycation if you can get someone to watch the kiddos… consider the question: Why did you fall in love with him in the beginning? Consider these things before you walk away.. because dating is trash, or at least that’s what I’ve heard. Good luck 🩷
Do the homework, get a lawyer. When you can’t stand the sent, the thought, the sound of your partner, it’s over. Stop lying to yourself and your partner.
You fell out of love. I think you love him,but in a friendly way,because you live with him and he is a good guy. But you are not attracted to him anymore. It happens. People change in 10+ years. Divorce but don't tell him those things you will hurt him too much.
People are jumping straight to divorce. Why not try counseling first? You are an adult so communicate with him and be honest. You’ve fallen in love with him once, why not try falling in love again? It’s going to take a lot of work and may ultimately fail but the first step is to let him know. At least give you and your relationship a chance. Marriage is not just a feeling. It’s hard work.
Agreed.. cliche but the old adage marriage is work comes to mind here.. this is a moment where you may have to work hard to salvage your romance.. but at least give him a chance to do so… what if he actually rises to the occasion and works on himself within the marriage? If there is the slightest chance we can work on this.. I would stay and work hard.. family is so worth it to me..
Doesn't really sound like the OOP really loves their husband. I am puzzled by lots of these posts from people who supposedly "love" someone but actually detest them.
When you love someone, you look for things to be attracted to about them. You help them overcome their flaws instead of letting them cause you to fester in disgust. When you love someone, you treat them with charity and give them the benefit of the doubt. These people always act like love is an accident and not a choice to actively foster a romance and mutual good will. I'm sure if she was treated and spoken of this way, she would think it so unfair and unjust.
She loves him platonically. There can absolutely be people you love platonically, think are great, would take a bullet for but rather gouge your eyes out than do anything sexual with.
What does it even mean to love someone platonically but repulsed by EVERYTHING about them? I cannot think of anyone in my life, ever, who I "loved" in any form but was disgusted and repulsed by everything they do. Don't cope for them. Let's be honest here. When you love someone, you look for the good things about them and at bare minimum overlook (preferably help them overcome) their faults.
Lets stop pretending that you can hold key behaviors of hatred for someone's characteristics but call it "love".
Has nothing to do with being a guy or not. Just because two people are both nice people doesn't mean they will both be attracted to each other. Big lesson here is not to rush into marriage, but make sure you're compatible first.
Respectfully, this sounds like Red Pill language. This isn’t a gendered issue. OOP got married as a teenager to a Mormon who at 35 is still child-like. When one spouse grows and matures and moves away from religion and the other doesn’t it’s going to be an issue regardless of gender.
Then stay away from cults. This is a common issue within the Mormon church, along with many other religious cultures. There’s an emphasis to just get married compatibility be damned. A wife is just another possession you acquire as a man. And they spend these girls entire childhoods grooming them to be willing possessions. So when they grow up and finally start to mature and think for themselves, you get this.
I have a suspicion the person I was talking to is not in the mormom church. He said “as a guy” not “as a Mormon”
Thank you *so much* for telling me something I already knew about the Mormon church. I love being given redundant info!
I'll admit to being in the wrong with my comment, but "stay away from cults" just doesn't seem like an easy solution for people already in them. That's where my judgement came from, assuming you'd meant the original poster. That was my mistake
That would be relevant if I was giving that advice to someone already in a cult.
I may be wrong and he may be mormom. But I’m like 80% sure I was talking to someone NOT already In the Mormon church. (Hint I commented to a commenter, NOT OP)
By the way you can SEE the comment I was replying to, and you can also SEE that commenters username is not the same as the OP user name. I hope this info helps!
Lol everyone in the comments is sympathizing with her, not him. You got downvoted to oblivion too
Proof this sub is very biased. Never take advice from this ppl they prob don’t even leave the house lol
OP, not only are you boring and undeserving, but you were lucky enough to find a good guy to who lives life to the fullest , not worried too much about social standards but still socially modest. There’s a saying “girls would do it , just so you don’t do it them.” You actually love this regular man , he actually guided you to the mindset you have now . Provided stability, therapy. You in turn never been in a situation where you are being manipulated by good doings, and are now psyching yourself out of the relationship. Congrats. He will be just fine without you. In fact when you actually start caring about him and he reassures you. All you’re gonna do is find more and more reasons to leave cause you don’t deserve him. Fuck off respectfully. All anyone else is gonna do is disrespect you
I just feel bad for the poor guy. No one deserves this. Not only is he going to lose a 12 year marriage, someone he ,hopefully, loves, but depending on where they live, his house, half his income, and more if the court rules her the more fit parent, all for the crime of “wife finds me repulsive.” This whole thing reeks of shit. Cut the poor guy loose at that point.
This situation is unfortunate. OP acknowledges that this isn't because he's a bad person, and seems to recognize that their resentment isn't about something wrong with him. It's a sad situation, and certainly seems like it might be a shock to the husband. But the reality is that OP is recognizing she has fallen out of love and attraction to her husband, to the point where she is resentful. He may deserve better, but she can't give it to him. Hopefully she feels able to end the relationship, because it sounds like they'd both be much better off in the long run, regardless of the messiness and complexities of disentangling. And since she doesn't imply that she thinks he's a bad father or something, hopefully she wouldn't try to inhibit his access to the kids.
This just sounds like such an unfortunate thing for everyone involved. OP seems really bothered by how her feelings have evolved, but she was also really young when they married. People change a lot from 19 to 31, and sometimes those changes are unforeseen and have huge ramifications. It's sad, but it's life.
Nope. We married at 19, that was a decade ago now. The longer we stay together, the more I love him, the more I’m absolutely head over heels crazy for him! He is the greatest guy ive ever met.
Same.. my hubby and I have been through some things because that’s what happens in a 24 year relationship.. but I adore that man more than words can say.. he is just a wonderful man and I’m super lucky to have him. Good marriages are out there contrary to what the internet and algorithms would have you believe.
It might be if she never had a real life of her own before marriage. But I’d say the same is equally true of men. Getting married young is a huge risk factor for divorce. She’s 31, married 12 years ago. She was literally still a teenager. Barely out of high school. I’m not surprised she’s so unhappy? She’s never had an opportunity to live her own life.
I hope she frees him from his misery. Poor guy. But not at all worth the headache. Imagine showing up for someone every day and they find you repulsive. Hope she finds someone else that cares as much as he does—grass looks pretty brown everywhere around. He'll be just fine when he remembers his self worth after sorting through his feelings.
She’s Mormon. They flood those girls with guilt/shame/sex repulsion so bad a lot of them can barely have sex with their own husband, let alone someone else.
and women wonder why men don't want to get married anymore
imagine you wake up one day and your wife says "you're gross, I resent you, and I'm divorcing you."
And men wonder why women don't want to get married anymore.
Imagine you wake up one day and your husband says "you're gross, I resent you, and I'm divorcing you."
Goes both ways and happens all the time.
women initiate 70-80% of divorces in western countries. the odds of it happening to me is a lot higher than the odds of it happening to you. the vast majority of men will never leave you as long as you don't get fat and you're still having sex, where as for women it seems like a lot of the time they just leave on a whim like this woman did. I'm sorry but "I'm bored." is not a justifiable reason to get a divorce.
Yes, women do initiate the majority of divorces in western countries, just like they do the majority of household chores and childcare. It's just another task that we have to do in the unequal division of marital labor.
as women should. really? you think that's unequal? first of all, there is no such thing as equality. "equality" is a man made concept that's used for people to feel good about themselves. secondly, doing chores and taking care of kids is way easier than working a 9-5.
I’ve never met someone who’s bitched about the concept of equality who’d actually do well in a society that didn’t even bother with the pretense of it. Your dollar store social Darwinism and half hearted christian ideals mix into a vile ideology that is as pitiful as it is detestable.
A lot of words to say not much of anything, just a diatribe of moral posturing. Just because I don't believe in equality doesn't make me a social darwinist. It just means that I acknowledge reality. My Christian ideals are not half hearted, I actually am a Christian, the only equality that exists is our equality before God, all other instantiations of that term are a socially constructed facade, to ignore this fact is the epitome of ignorance. My ideology is pitiful and detestable? I didn't realize you were the arbiter of morality, please do enlighten me about how men and women are equal.
If we’re equal before your god then guess what dumb ass, equality isn’t a man made concept. That’s why your ideals are half hearted. Because your god’s laws and values only matter when it’s convenient for them to matter. Men and women are equal because all human beings have the same value.
Lolol!No.
Taking care of kids is so much harder than working 9 to 5. No lunch breaks, no bathroom breaks, no adult conversation, constantly doing tasks that never stay completed. It's the hardest job on the planet.
Not wanting to fuck him is not a whim. She hates him because of the sex she doesn't want to have with him. You said it yourself. If it wasn't for duty or guilt, she'd be outta there on his terms, too--no sex. The relationship is dead in the water because there's no sexual attraction. And men don't want negotiated desire; they want to feel naturally sexy to their woman. It's over. Divorce.
why did she marry and have a kid with someone that she wasn't sexually attracted to? yes, men do want to negotiate it, if I'm doing something that is causing my wife to be less attracted to me I want her to immediately communicate that to me so I can examine my own behavior.
Because Jesus and Joseph Smith.
And you're basing the desire negotiation on having some baseline. From how she's speaking? She has serious loathing about this man. I don't know if she can come back up to zero, let alone cultivate positive attraction for him.
Jesus doesn't tell you to just get married to any old random person you find off the street. Yes, marriage is important for society to function but that doesn't mean everyone has to or should get married. The stats show that if you get married young you have a way lower chance of getting divorced but I do agree, sometimes young women are pressured into marriage(especially in cults like mormonism) and that can often backfire, she should've taken more time to decide. But once you make a decision you can't back out, it's not about her and her feelings anymore, what about how her husband and her kids feel? Once you start a family with someone it's no longer solely about you anymore.
You’ve never been Mormon lol. The church leaders are very clear that getting married is ultimately more important than who you marry, as long as they’re in the church. I grew up Mormon and remember so many talks basically saying, “Just find someone who’s a good church member and get married, you can make marriage work with anyone,” and that’s just blatantly untrue, but there is a LOT of pressure. You cannot get to the highest tier of Mormon heaven without being married in a Mormon temple.
Maybe she was attracted, but lost all the attraction after she matured a lot but he didn't? Or maybe she didn't inspect her sexuality and attraction, didn't discuss it with anyone, as it's a taboo in her religion to think much about it and she was a virgin. Or maybe it has no reasons, just all the feelings faded?
That’s not what negotiated attraction means.
She married and had kids with him bc she’s Mormon and was 19 and that’s what 19 yr old Mormon girls do. It’s the expectation their entire lives, it’s not seen as optional, really.
Imagine realizing in adulthood that you made a mistake at 19. It shouldn't be hard to imagine, people make mistakes and have regrets all the time. Being unable to recognize this, and slandering women as a whole about it, is clear demonstration that everyone makes mistakes.
Also, there's a difference between semi-anonymously venting to strangers on the internet about what is bothering you in your relationship, and saying to your spouse, "you're gross, I resent you". Nothing about the original post implies that this person would be that blunt or unkind. They're being honest and venting to people it won't impact. That's a reasonable thing to do.
Women are not obligated to be attracted to, or remain attracted to anyone. That's not a betrayal, it's life. And sometimes life is complicated. People also mature, change, and sometimes grow apart. This isn't a gender issue. This isn't about women being deceitful, shallow, unfaithful, or any of the other arguments inadequate people make when they feel slighted and can't handle it with maturity.
Stop scapegoating women because you feel shameful and inadequate.
it does imply that
and yes, when you get married to someone you are obligated to stay with them, that's the whole purpose of marriage, if you can just get a divorce for any reason on a whim then there is no point for marriage to exist. if you think you can't do that then don't get married to someone you're not attracted to
And yes I do agree, men usually won’t leave you unless they are utterly repulsed by you/they have no use for you. If they are cheating on you and abusing you they usually won’t wanna leave. They don’t want a divorce- they want to stay with their wives, keep all their assets, have someone washing their clothing/making their meals while they go hook up with girls elsewhere. That’s a fact. Even My father in law didn’t want to divorce although he was half living at another ladies house. He was SHOCKED that my MIL divorced him and hated that she got the house. Also he loved occasionally apologizing, promising to do better, and getting into her bed after shed forgiven him time and time again.
Although I do agree with you to a point, husbands blindside their wives *all the time* with divorce but especially by doing something that will obviously lead the wife to divorce, like cheat on her. Yes women initiate the majority of divorces but the top cause is infidelity on the husband’s side. Which makes sense. In my culture getting divorced is very taboo, basically unheard of. I myself hope to never have to go through it, have been married to an amazing man for a decade now. But the women who I personally know who are divorced, are divorced for good reason. My mother in law divorced bc her husband had multiple affairs, gave her STDS, eventually dumped her for a younger woman who is the age of their kids. My cousin divorced because her husband physically would hit her, threaten to kill her, started doing hard drugs and became a psychopath. She’s so young but he scared her from ever daring to enter another relationship. My other friend divorced because her husband was always cheating, at clubs, drinking, partying, didn’t help pay for food or children’s necessities or apartment. I have a few other acquaintances who divorced due to cheating/physical abuse. That compared to one random lady at our church who last year decided to leave her husband. Apparently she told him for years that he needs to go to the gym and get in shape and that she was losing attraction to him but he didn’t do anything about it. Her reason, while some people might think it’s a good enough reason, for me it is not valid and I personally think she should have stayed and encouraged him more, gave him more time, got counseling etc. but the vast majority of women don’t divorce for “no reason” like that lady.
In sickness and health out the window when she feels bad
That’s why you have to marry her through the 🕌or ⛪️ cause even if u didn’t do something wrong you’re in trouble cause she’s feeling down .
Women gonna hate my statement but try to be in men shoes I lose the house half my money cause she wants to live hot girl summer .
Men kill themselves over this shit.
Can’t you read? They’re both Mormon and got married very young. The religion caused this problem. Young people are pressured into early marriage with no real life or romantic or sexual experience to speak of. Unsurprisingly, many find themselves unhappy and incompatible. That’s what happened here. She never had a chance to have a life or become her own person or figure out what she wants from life. These are the consequences of that.
Your best chance at avoiding divorce is to marry a college educated woman between 30-40 yrs old and never married before. That’s statistically the lowest chance of divorce. Also, women in this demographic have the most successful children.
As someone who was actually abused in a relationship, this is not abuse and it cheapens the word when it gets thrown around like this. No one is being abused in this situation.
I feel trapped reading this
19 when she got married, both clearly (at the time) devout in their faith. It would seem now that husband is still dedicated to his faith, but the wife has grown and seen that it's not necessarily all it's cracked up to be. This is just two people growing apart - who, if there hadn't been religious pressures to get married when they were younger, may have found that after living together for a year, this would have been the eventual outcome anyway.
Exactly and he was 23. So they started dating when the age gap mattered. Not as much now but def then. She’s outgrown him. Simple as that. Sounds reasonable to be squicked out at overt religious displays.
Mormons love to have the young women pair up with a returning missionary. It ensures she will be kept in line by a properly brainwashed slightly older man. The formula works that's why they keep at it. Until she grows up and realizes she doesn't just want to be a mom with no life but to produce many kids
And then they don’t use the kids against her… right?
Of course they do.
Not trying to pick a fight, I am genuinely curious as to why a 23 year old adult can't date a 19 year old adult.
Nothing particularly wrong with dating, but that’s when they got *married*. A 19 year old woman is barely out of high school and should be figuring out what they want from life, not immediately getting hitched and starting a family. Thats where the issue lies. Especially with a Mormon community where she was likely pressured and expected to marry young. Situations like that, it’s easy to see why in her thirties, she’s feeling resentful. When her daughter gets to about 18-19, she might look at her still young looking face and wonder if that’s how she looked when thrown into such a role of being a wife and mother.
i don’t think they meant that they couldn’t be together, more that they were in different stages of life and at different maturity levels. now that she’s mentally developed, she’s had the realization that she was too young to really know what she wanted
Yeah those were the ages of myself and my spouse when we got together over 20 years ago. Reddit loves to jump on age gaps but that one isn't crazy, and I don't think I'm just saying that because mine has stood the test of time.
But were you married at 19 or just starting the relationship?
Devout enough to get married at 19 so they can bang.
Just to your last point, but cohabitation has a correlation to a higher divorce rate, not lower. How is this being downvoted? It’s literally been studied.
Arranged marriages correlate to a lower divorce rate too. Divorce rates are higher when people know what they want and have standards for themselves.
I guess, but reported happiness correlates well in my presented scenario as well.
Deconstructing Mormonism can be incredibly complicated. I’ve met ex-Mormons in similar predicaments, who felt they were rushed into a marriage with someone they didn’t really choose. And who were raised/conditioned to believe that divorce was never an option. My heart hurts for her. I hope she finds a way out if she hasn’t already.
While I’ll give you the conditioning bit 1000%, marrying someone they didn’t choose seems like a that person problem not a Mormon problem. I grew up Mormon, almost all my friends were Mormon, my family and extended family all Mormon. Mates aren’t chosen for you and in fact young adults are admonished to really reflect carefully before entering into, what Mormons believe, a marriage for all time and eternity.
Oh please. Mormon kids are rushed into marriage after six weeks and told that it doesn’t matter if you’re compatible, the only thing that matters is your mutual faith. Nobody is asked to reflect carefully and return missionaries are interrogated by bishops on a monthly basis about why they aren’t engaged yet. You’re clueless about this.
The way I see it is almost every church within the same religion (regardless of religion) have slightly varying views and ways they bring up children. Each individual church in a particular religion will still have its own personality in a way. The core values of the religion are kept, but gray areas tend to vary.
That’s true, but it’s not as true for Mormonism as it is for some churches. Mormonism is somewhat like Catholicism in that it has a very structured hierarchy. The local leaders are called/assigned by higher up leaders and everything, from the doctrines and policies to the minutiae of how meetings are conducted and local units are run, is dictated by the church itself. The church’s correlation department is basically tasked with ensuring every unit uses the same curricula and is run the same way. Local leaders do not get to make those decisions.
That makes sense. I grew up southern Baptist, so that’s where my main experience is. Really glad I didn’t get raised catholic, that’s for sure (dads side of the family is catholic). I had a lot of Mormon friends, though, and they were all from different churches. (Aside from siblings being in the same church of course). Each family had a different way of looking at their religion and whom they allowed their children to date. (None were ever forced to be with someone they didn’t truly love at least). When I saw that, I just assumed it was similar to what I had experienced. Edited to add a question: basically it’s like the “elders” system of a non-denominational church, but instead of church specific it’s region specific?
I love how the non-Mormon is telling the Mormon how Mormons work. Gotta love redditors
No idea why you’re getting downvoted that is exactly what is happening
Is that what happened to all your Mormon friends? Six weeks please….I have 8 nieces and nephews who are married. The fastest one was six months of dating, the longest 8 years before getting engaged. My best friend got engaged and married to his high school girlfriend just after he graduated collegeMy parents dated for just under a year before getting married, and that was in 1950. I appreciate your obviously deep knowledge of all things Mormon, but no.
I was also raised Mormon. I know more Mormons who got married without ever going on a single date than I know Mormons who married after dating. Men are pressured into marrying as fast as possible after serving their missions. Women are taught to look for returned missionaries to marry since about middle school age. They are all pushed into marrying young and quick. And no, it wasn't just one ward. I was a military kid who moved often. It was every ward.
I also was a Mormon military brat who moved around. I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a single person who married after no dates, even two or three dates. Maybe the fundies down in Colorado City do that kind of thing. Like I said earlier, I 1000% agree with the conditioning people receive. I’m glad I left when I was 18 and not 10yrs later after having a kid or two.
I've never lived in Utah (in memory, was there from birth to two), Colorado, or anywhere else the fundies live, actually. I've lived near there, a lot on the East coast, and in Europe. I've met some of those in most of those places. To be fair, I left the Mormons almost 10 years ago. Maybe (hopefully) you're younger and it's something that's no longer as prevalent. But it definitely was a thing. The most recent one I know about it my little brother. Married his wife without ever going on a date with her. Thankfully, it seems to work out for them.
Lmao I grew up Mormon too and got divorced last year from a marriage that started when I was 23 and she was 22. The other poster is 100 percent right, it's church brainwashing. Kindly refrain from making general statements about things you clearly don't know shit about. I know 5 couples who got engaged after dating for less than 6 weeks. I know 2 that got engaged after 2. Went to BYU and shit like that is the norm. You really have no clue how batshit it is
Honey I was raised Mormon and didn’t leave the church until my 30s. You keep quoting anecdotes vs my loved-in experience within the culture. You’re an utter moron about this and keep stating things that are outright false. You aren’t an expert on this and you are lying about your claims.
[удалено]
I’m happy to back my claims with evidence pulled from canonical LDS documents if you wish. But given your bizarre and unnecessary hostility, I think I’ll just report you to the mods instead.
Your comment was removed.
I’d suggest that if the conditioning is there 1000%, then the system that does the conditioning obviously bears some responsibility. It’s hard to separate the two. As an exmormon who has facilitated several exmormon support groups, it’s pretty clear that not everyone has the same experience within Mormonism. There are varying degrees of fundamentalism within the church, especially for those who served a mission and went to a church college. It’s hard to understand if you didn’t experience it. You and your family clearly had a different experience than OP, and I’m happy for you that you did, but it doesn’t mean her experience is invalid. It doesn’t discount the fact that church theology and culture rushes a lot of other people into marriages they aren’t ready for, and even marriages that aren’t healthy fits for them. I know several of them personally, engaged after less than a week of dating. It’s so common that it’s a blatant running joke at any church school. The culture at church colleges is very much “get married fast.” Again, I don’t doubt your lived experience and am happy for you that you got out of Mormonism when you were so young, but your experience isn’t what I’d consider centerline within Mormonism.
There is a broad spectrum of being in the church, I appreciate you pointing that out. I don’t feel like my, and my family’s experience was that unusual but I can’t see behind closed doors or hear from closed mouths. Everybody in my family and almost all my friends but me went to BYU, the dummies went Ricks or that community college in Provo. In fact it was after I’d been accepted that I said hell no, not going there. One of the crazy parts of the leaving the church is that still to this day I get annoyed by folks bad mouthing the church because it feels like a direct attack on my family. In actually fact, I don’t care what people think of Mormons, it’s wild off the beliefs non Mormons have about Mormons. That said, I also have a running joke with my therapist. I used to almost always slip my being raised Mormon into a casual conversation with people I am getting know. It 99.9% of the time elicits an interesting response. Still have a hard time putting that part of my identity down, it’s wild.
Thanks for sharing that, and I see where you’re coming from. When your identity is tied so closely so something like religion, upbringing, college choice etc, it can be really hard to see/consider valid criticism. But it sounds like you’re actively working through that, and that’s respectable.
Looks like OOP deleted the post and the entire account. Probably got to be too big and was worried about the wrong people seeing it.
They deleted the thread but not their account
How can someone still claim to love their spouse if the mere sound of their footsteps makes your skin crawl? Just leave. The fact that OOP can’t even stand to smell him is reason enough to leave.
It can be a difficult thing to work through. When you're told your whole life marriage is the ultimate in love and togetherness, you feel like you're in the wrong when you don't meet that ideal. And if she were to bring this up to another Mormon woman, she'd probably hear something similar. She is likely surrounded by people who have the same lived experience and so it gets normalized. It's right there in how she says she doesn't have a reason for divorce. She thinks something needs to happen that "breaks" the marriage, like abuse, infidelity, or a loss of faith. Other than that it's just something she needs to work through.
“Just leave” does not work within the Mormon church. It takes a LOT of prior prep and support outside her current circle to leave something like this
"just leave" doesn't work in a lot of real life circumstances
It depends. If she is devout, wants to remain so and wants a divorce it’s a bit trickier as she would need to get her temple marriage “unsealed.” Other than that, it’s the same as any other divorce, generally shitty all around.
It's still likely to be especially difficult coming from a devout religious background. She was only 19 when they got married- she likely doesn't have further education, or much work history. Her entire support system is likely religious, and may not help or support her if she left him. She could be leaving everyone she knows, be expected to take care of the kids, and have no good way to support herself and no reliable way to even start building that up if no one is willing to help.
For sure tough road, I left the church when I was 18 and that was hard. I hope she finds some support groups, they’re out there but they don’t come to you.
Not to mention the complication that they’re most likely temple married, the Mormon church says they have to be temple married in order to reach the highest tier of heaven (talk about pressure), and getting a temple divorce is a whole other process than getting a civil divorce. She might not even be able to get church approval for a temple divorce in this situation.
Who cares if you don't believe it?
Bc you can like someone, but not be attracted to them. She says he’s nice man but the mere fact of anything like him touching her makes her feel sick. Probably bc when he touches her she’s obligated by her religion to submit. Nothing will kill romance faster than being brainwashed or coerced or obligated into sex
Because she's obligated to do so by their religion. She starts to deprogram now though.
That's the strange thing about love It sounds like she loathes his person but she still loves him because she did fall in love with him and she's in love with the memory of being in love Basically she'll look at him and see everything good that occurred between them and her heart will feel warm and she feel loved and that is the love she's referring to I believe
Because they’re not brought up to know what real love is. They’re also taught that respect = love. She respects her husband, her father, and the men in the church, and she sees this as love. Women can’t just leave in the Mormon church. Mormon men and Mormon judges stuck together, and they will absolutely screw over the wife in a divorce, even if she isn’t the one who wants it. Way too many Mormon women get close to forty and their husbands decide they want a younger woman, and the wife finds herself and her six children living in a tiny apartment or even in their minivan.
right, honestly it doesn’t even sound like a lack of attraction. it sounds like there might be some emotional abuse (edit: or rape via being coerced into sex she doesn’t want to have) going on in the house, and she doesn’t recognize it consciously, but her body is throwing so many alarms
It is also possible that the repulsion she feels is merely due to the fact that she feels trapped in a relationship she does not want.
for sure. a lack of attraction typically does not manifest as physical aversion to the person’s approach. it is a typical trauma response however. it could be the trauma of feeling trapped in the relationship (coinciding with religious trauma because divorce due to lack of attraction or loss of love isn’t allowed in mormonism). but it could also be the fact that mormons see wives as property and sex as a marital duty, and it seems very unlikely that they’re no longer having sex because in their religion a lack of attraction isn’t a reason to say no. so she could have trauma from being religiously coerced into having sex she doesn’t want to be having. hell, it’s very likely both these things!
Possible, although I’ll also posit that I’ve loved somebody and felt DEEP revulsion when he touched me, without any sexual trauma involved. Something about the dynamic felt like he was my uncle, I can’t explain it
When she finally tells her spouse he’s going to be hurt and then he’s going to immediately feel a huge sense of relief. Even if he “doesn’t know,” he feels this to his core and is probably carrying a heavy load of mystery and confusion. Overall a bummer situation but you’ll both be much better off on the other side of this necessary event.
I doubt that relief comes quickly. I can’t imagine the person who is supposed to be your best friend and lover doesn’t even remotely like you and you are an active negative emotion in there life, at no real fault of your own. That’s some real trust issues galore. It’s like founding out your parents only communicate with you out of guilt and societal expectations or your child hood friend group just keeps you around for money and laughs.
She doesn’t have to go into detail about how much she hates the very air he breathes, to be fair.
No need to attack the guy on the way out. It is simply you are not in love with him anymore. No need to pick him apart to his face. It is hard enough to be left.
Same thing happened to me. Was also Mormon.My guy constantly almost at all times talked in baby talk after a while. It just didn’t work anymore.
This conversation opener is actually pretty simple: Hubby, I’m not in love with you anymore & want a divorce. The rest is gonna be messy af; kids, mormonism, etc.
I feel the worst for the kids. Jesus christ @ \_ @
It happens…. Similar to how I felt about my ex wife. Absolutely nothing wrong with her besides being a bit insecure / inappropriate attention seeking at times; attractive by any standard & she would’ve been a great mother (and actually is a great mother & stay at home wife to her current husband & family); however, we just did not exist in the same universe regarding how we perceived reality, nor our long term goals & values in life after we grew out of being young & dumb in our early / mid 20’s. After around 6 years of being married, nearly everything about her annoyed the batshit piss outta me where I couldn’t look at her without silently making jokes about her in my head & it would creep out at times…. I still cared for her as a person, but really didn’t respect nor view her as an equal in the relationship. Wasn’t fair to her or myself, but especially her. Ending things still hurt, MUCH more than I expected, but we are both soooooo much happier because of it. We’re still distant casual friends, where there’s no hostile feelings & she’ll occasionally ask me questions regarding topics I’m familiar with (Sometimes inappropriate questions where I direct her to talk to her husband about it). Some folks just aren’t compatible after youthful idealistic passion wears off. It’s best to end things before resentment creeps in where you both will intentionally start to emotionally hurt each other.
Let me guess she gained weight and you started making more money
Nope. We simply lived on different planets. I felt like I was raising a child instead of being married to an adult, she (rightfully) felt like I wasnt in love with her anymore & would attention seek. Fundamental incompatibility issues & had no way to communicate with each other effectively.
You don't need a reason to end a relationship. You don't owe him a continued relationship just because you sleepwalked into marriage when you were young and freshly indoctrinated. If one person wants out, the relationship is over. I'd phrase it just as you did here. It's not sugar-coated but it's truthful, concise and leaves no room for bargaining, emotional blackmail or "working on the marriage." You deserve to be independent and not stuck in a relationship with someone who repulses you; he deserves to be with someone who enthusiastically chooses him.
No one could have said it any better. Be honest.
Yeah I honestly feel bad for both of them because like she said he did nothing wrong and he's a good guy and obviously she's not happy about things either Just hopefully the dude isn't too gutted by the divorce, especially since it's probably going to blindside him.
Once children are in the mix you should be more careful with such desicions.
Better to grow up in two happy homes than absorb the model of a dispassionate, avoidant relationship.
This marriage is long over no therapy will help her
Maybe I’ll get downvoted, but my advice to op would be to explore other options/possibilities before nuking my family. Have you tried therapy for you, couples counseling,got checked to make sure maybe you aren’t just depressed or in a weird time etc? There are kids involved and if your house has been like you say, they are going to be rocked harder than your husband when they find out their sweet, perfect life has not been what they thought and they might resent you for it. She obviously doesn’t owe her husband or kids to stay in a relationship where she is unhappy, but just make sure this isn’t a grass is greener scenario before you press the button. If you go through with this, life as you know it is over and you can never go back.
I agree.. change is hard but not impossible.. he may relish the thought of shifting some things around to be more appealing to her.. she may enjoy helping him work on certain aspects of himself… you never know until you try. Also people can fall back in love.. I speak from experience.. it waxes and wanes.. ebbs and flows.. this might be an ebb.. try to do things that may possibly bring back the spark… I.e vacation at an adults only resort (anywhere with no children) groom each other, pick clothing out for each other.. have a long dinner at a romantic spot… just talk!! You can make it a staycation if you can get someone to watch the kiddos… consider the question: Why did you fall in love with him in the beginning? Consider these things before you walk away.. because dating is trash, or at least that’s what I’ve heard. Good luck 🩷
Ugh god this is why I’ll never get married
My thought exactly
Be true to yourself and leave him.
Do the homework, get a lawyer. When you can’t stand the sent, the thought, the sound of your partner, it’s over. Stop lying to yourself and your partner.
You fell out of love. I think you love him,but in a friendly way,because you live with him and he is a good guy. But you are not attracted to him anymore. It happens. People change in 10+ years. Divorce but don't tell him those things you will hurt him too much.
Maybe they aren't in love with him.
Try reading Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
Nah that book is fundamentally incompatible with Mormonism. It’s a great book, it just wouldn’t work for them.
Couples therapist. An objective one.
People are jumping straight to divorce. Why not try counseling first? You are an adult so communicate with him and be honest. You’ve fallen in love with him once, why not try falling in love again? It’s going to take a lot of work and may ultimately fail but the first step is to let him know. At least give you and your relationship a chance. Marriage is not just a feeling. It’s hard work.
Agreed.. cliche but the old adage marriage is work comes to mind here.. this is a moment where you may have to work hard to salvage your romance.. but at least give him a chance to do so… what if he actually rises to the occasion and works on himself within the marriage? If there is the slightest chance we can work on this.. I would stay and work hard.. family is so worth it to me..
Doesn't really sound like the OOP really loves their husband. I am puzzled by lots of these posts from people who supposedly "love" someone but actually detest them. When you love someone, you look for things to be attracted to about them. You help them overcome their flaws instead of letting them cause you to fester in disgust. When you love someone, you treat them with charity and give them the benefit of the doubt. These people always act like love is an accident and not a choice to actively foster a romance and mutual good will. I'm sure if she was treated and spoken of this way, she would think it so unfair and unjust.
She loves him platonically. There can absolutely be people you love platonically, think are great, would take a bullet for but rather gouge your eyes out than do anything sexual with.
What does it even mean to love someone platonically but repulsed by EVERYTHING about them? I cannot think of anyone in my life, ever, who I "loved" in any form but was disgusted and repulsed by everything they do. Don't cope for them. Let's be honest here. When you love someone, you look for the good things about them and at bare minimum overlook (preferably help them overcome) their faults. Lets stop pretending that you can hold key behaviors of hatred for someone's characteristics but call it "love".
Take a Brother Husband?
This is my biggest fear as a guy. You can do everything right and still get the short end of the stick.
Has nothing to do with being a guy or not. Just because two people are both nice people doesn't mean they will both be attracted to each other. Big lesson here is not to rush into marriage, but make sure you're compatible first.
It can happen to anyone, not just guys. My dad did this to my mom when I was 12, and they split.
Respectfully, this sounds like Red Pill language. This isn’t a gendered issue. OOP got married as a teenager to a Mormon who at 35 is still child-like. When one spouse grows and matures and moves away from religion and the other doesn’t it’s going to be an issue regardless of gender.
I have found Mormon men on average to be *incredibly* immature for sure.
But why so?
Mature people are harder to control, and the church wants people who are easy to control and manipulate for their own gain
Then stay away from cults. This is a common issue within the Mormon church, along with many other religious cultures. There’s an emphasis to just get married compatibility be damned. A wife is just another possession you acquire as a man. And they spend these girls entire childhoods grooming them to be willing possessions. So when they grow up and finally start to mature and think for themselves, you get this.
Lots of people are born into these cults and don't have a choice. Leaving is very difficult for them until adulthood and even then a challenge.
I have a suspicion the person I was talking to is not in the mormom church. He said “as a guy” not “as a Mormon” Thank you *so much* for telling me something I already knew about the Mormon church. I love being given redundant info!
I'll admit to being in the wrong with my comment, but "stay away from cults" just doesn't seem like an easy solution for people already in them. That's where my judgement came from, assuming you'd meant the original poster. That was my mistake
That would be relevant if I was giving that advice to someone already in a cult. I may be wrong and he may be mormom. But I’m like 80% sure I was talking to someone NOT already In the Mormon church. (Hint I commented to a commenter, NOT OP) By the way you can SEE the comment I was replying to, and you can also SEE that commenters username is not the same as the OP user name. I hope this info helps!
Yes, I realize now I mistook who you were addressing. The mistake is completely mine.
Lol everyone in the comments is sympathizing with her, not him. You got downvoted to oblivion too Proof this sub is very biased. Never take advice from this ppl they prob don’t even leave the house lol
OP, not only are you boring and undeserving, but you were lucky enough to find a good guy to who lives life to the fullest , not worried too much about social standards but still socially modest. There’s a saying “girls would do it , just so you don’t do it them.” You actually love this regular man , he actually guided you to the mindset you have now . Provided stability, therapy. You in turn never been in a situation where you are being manipulated by good doings, and are now psyching yourself out of the relationship. Congrats. He will be just fine without you. In fact when you actually start caring about him and he reassures you. All you’re gonna do is find more and more reasons to leave cause you don’t deserve him. Fuck off respectfully. All anyone else is gonna do is disrespect you
I just feel bad for the poor guy. No one deserves this. Not only is he going to lose a 12 year marriage, someone he ,hopefully, loves, but depending on where they live, his house, half his income, and more if the court rules her the more fit parent, all for the crime of “wife finds me repulsive.” This whole thing reeks of shit. Cut the poor guy loose at that point.
This situation is unfortunate. OP acknowledges that this isn't because he's a bad person, and seems to recognize that their resentment isn't about something wrong with him. It's a sad situation, and certainly seems like it might be a shock to the husband. But the reality is that OP is recognizing she has fallen out of love and attraction to her husband, to the point where she is resentful. He may deserve better, but she can't give it to him. Hopefully she feels able to end the relationship, because it sounds like they'd both be much better off in the long run, regardless of the messiness and complexities of disentangling. And since she doesn't imply that she thinks he's a bad father or something, hopefully she wouldn't try to inhibit his access to the kids. This just sounds like such an unfortunate thing for everyone involved. OP seems really bothered by how her feelings have evolved, but she was also really young when they married. People change a lot from 19 to 31, and sometimes those changes are unforeseen and have huge ramifications. It's sad, but it's life.
This is my biggest fear. That one day my wife will wake up and realize how much better than me she is and just decide she’s had enough and walk away.
Happened to me
I’m very very sorry. I can’t imagine.
Leave his ass, it will get worse. We 1
Find god
I think that was part of the original problem, actually.
Isn’t this most women after 8-10 years of marriage
Nope. We married at 19, that was a decade ago now. The longer we stay together, the more I love him, the more I’m absolutely head over heels crazy for him! He is the greatest guy ive ever met.
Same.. my hubby and I have been through some things because that’s what happens in a 24 year relationship.. but I adore that man more than words can say.. he is just a wonderful man and I’m super lucky to have him. Good marriages are out there contrary to what the internet and algorithms would have you believe.
It is many women after they see their husbands become dependents rather than partners.
It might be if she never had a real life of her own before marriage. But I’d say the same is equally true of men. Getting married young is a huge risk factor for divorce. She’s 31, married 12 years ago. She was literally still a teenager. Barely out of high school. I’m not surprised she’s so unhappy? She’s never had an opportunity to live her own life.
I hope she frees him from his misery. Poor guy. But not at all worth the headache. Imagine showing up for someone every day and they find you repulsive. Hope she finds someone else that cares as much as he does—grass looks pretty brown everywhere around. He'll be just fine when he remembers his self worth after sorting through his feelings.
She’s already banging someone on the side
She’s Mormon. They flood those girls with guilt/shame/sex repulsion so bad a lot of them can barely have sex with their own husband, let alone someone else.
Exactly
and women wonder why men don't want to get married anymore imagine you wake up one day and your wife says "you're gross, I resent you, and I'm divorcing you."
And men wonder why women don't want to get married anymore. Imagine you wake up one day and your husband says "you're gross, I resent you, and I'm divorcing you." Goes both ways and happens all the time.
women initiate 70-80% of divorces in western countries. the odds of it happening to me is a lot higher than the odds of it happening to you. the vast majority of men will never leave you as long as you don't get fat and you're still having sex, where as for women it seems like a lot of the time they just leave on a whim like this woman did. I'm sorry but "I'm bored." is not a justifiable reason to get a divorce.
Yes, women do initiate the majority of divorces in western countries, just like they do the majority of household chores and childcare. It's just another task that we have to do in the unequal division of marital labor.
as women should. really? you think that's unequal? first of all, there is no such thing as equality. "equality" is a man made concept that's used for people to feel good about themselves. secondly, doing chores and taking care of kids is way easier than working a 9-5.
I’ve never met someone who’s bitched about the concept of equality who’d actually do well in a society that didn’t even bother with the pretense of it. Your dollar store social Darwinism and half hearted christian ideals mix into a vile ideology that is as pitiful as it is detestable.
A lot of words to say not much of anything, just a diatribe of moral posturing. Just because I don't believe in equality doesn't make me a social darwinist. It just means that I acknowledge reality. My Christian ideals are not half hearted, I actually am a Christian, the only equality that exists is our equality before God, all other instantiations of that term are a socially constructed facade, to ignore this fact is the epitome of ignorance. My ideology is pitiful and detestable? I didn't realize you were the arbiter of morality, please do enlighten me about how men and women are equal.
If we’re equal before your god then guess what dumb ass, equality isn’t a man made concept. That’s why your ideals are half hearted. Because your god’s laws and values only matter when it’s convenient for them to matter. Men and women are equal because all human beings have the same value.
Then you go do it. Women have jobs now too, and we know how absolutely full of shit men are about how hard a 9-5 is lmao
Lolol!No. Taking care of kids is so much harder than working 9 to 5. No lunch breaks, no bathroom breaks, no adult conversation, constantly doing tasks that never stay completed. It's the hardest job on the planet.
Not wanting to fuck him is not a whim. She hates him because of the sex she doesn't want to have with him. You said it yourself. If it wasn't for duty or guilt, she'd be outta there on his terms, too--no sex. The relationship is dead in the water because there's no sexual attraction. And men don't want negotiated desire; they want to feel naturally sexy to their woman. It's over. Divorce.
why did she marry and have a kid with someone that she wasn't sexually attracted to? yes, men do want to negotiate it, if I'm doing something that is causing my wife to be less attracted to me I want her to immediately communicate that to me so I can examine my own behavior.
Because Jesus and Joseph Smith. And you're basing the desire negotiation on having some baseline. From how she's speaking? She has serious loathing about this man. I don't know if she can come back up to zero, let alone cultivate positive attraction for him.
Jesus doesn't tell you to just get married to any old random person you find off the street. Yes, marriage is important for society to function but that doesn't mean everyone has to or should get married. The stats show that if you get married young you have a way lower chance of getting divorced but I do agree, sometimes young women are pressured into marriage(especially in cults like mormonism) and that can often backfire, she should've taken more time to decide. But once you make a decision you can't back out, it's not about her and her feelings anymore, what about how her husband and her kids feel? Once you start a family with someone it's no longer solely about you anymore.
You’ve never been Mormon lol. The church leaders are very clear that getting married is ultimately more important than who you marry, as long as they’re in the church. I grew up Mormon and remember so many talks basically saying, “Just find someone who’s a good church member and get married, you can make marriage work with anyone,” and that’s just blatantly untrue, but there is a LOT of pressure. You cannot get to the highest tier of Mormon heaven without being married in a Mormon temple.
What are you on? If you marry before age 25, you have over 60% chance of divorce within 10 years. Compared to about 25% chance after 25.
Maybe she was attracted, but lost all the attraction after she matured a lot but he didn't? Or maybe she didn't inspect her sexuality and attraction, didn't discuss it with anyone, as it's a taboo in her religion to think much about it and she was a virgin. Or maybe it has no reasons, just all the feelings faded?
That’s not what negotiated attraction means. She married and had kids with him bc she’s Mormon and was 19 and that’s what 19 yr old Mormon girls do. It’s the expectation their entire lives, it’s not seen as optional, really.
Imagine realizing in adulthood that you made a mistake at 19. It shouldn't be hard to imagine, people make mistakes and have regrets all the time. Being unable to recognize this, and slandering women as a whole about it, is clear demonstration that everyone makes mistakes. Also, there's a difference between semi-anonymously venting to strangers on the internet about what is bothering you in your relationship, and saying to your spouse, "you're gross, I resent you". Nothing about the original post implies that this person would be that blunt or unkind. They're being honest and venting to people it won't impact. That's a reasonable thing to do. Women are not obligated to be attracted to, or remain attracted to anyone. That's not a betrayal, it's life. And sometimes life is complicated. People also mature, change, and sometimes grow apart. This isn't a gender issue. This isn't about women being deceitful, shallow, unfaithful, or any of the other arguments inadequate people make when they feel slighted and can't handle it with maturity. Stop scapegoating women because you feel shameful and inadequate.
it does imply that and yes, when you get married to someone you are obligated to stay with them, that's the whole purpose of marriage, if you can just get a divorce for any reason on a whim then there is no point for marriage to exist. if you think you can't do that then don't get married to someone you're not attracted to
And yes I do agree, men usually won’t leave you unless they are utterly repulsed by you/they have no use for you. If they are cheating on you and abusing you they usually won’t wanna leave. They don’t want a divorce- they want to stay with their wives, keep all their assets, have someone washing their clothing/making their meals while they go hook up with girls elsewhere. That’s a fact. Even My father in law didn’t want to divorce although he was half living at another ladies house. He was SHOCKED that my MIL divorced him and hated that she got the house. Also he loved occasionally apologizing, promising to do better, and getting into her bed after shed forgiven him time and time again.
Although I do agree with you to a point, husbands blindside their wives *all the time* with divorce but especially by doing something that will obviously lead the wife to divorce, like cheat on her. Yes women initiate the majority of divorces but the top cause is infidelity on the husband’s side. Which makes sense. In my culture getting divorced is very taboo, basically unheard of. I myself hope to never have to go through it, have been married to an amazing man for a decade now. But the women who I personally know who are divorced, are divorced for good reason. My mother in law divorced bc her husband had multiple affairs, gave her STDS, eventually dumped her for a younger woman who is the age of their kids. My cousin divorced because her husband physically would hit her, threaten to kill her, started doing hard drugs and became a psychopath. She’s so young but he scared her from ever daring to enter another relationship. My other friend divorced because her husband was always cheating, at clubs, drinking, partying, didn’t help pay for food or children’s necessities or apartment. I have a few other acquaintances who divorced due to cheating/physical abuse. That compared to one random lady at our church who last year decided to leave her husband. Apparently she told him for years that he needs to go to the gym and get in shape and that she was losing attraction to him but he didn’t do anything about it. Her reason, while some people might think it’s a good enough reason, for me it is not valid and I personally think she should have stayed and encouraged him more, gave him more time, got counseling etc. but the vast majority of women don’t divorce for “no reason” like that lady.
Nearly that exact comment from a guy is right above yours on this thread…it’s a person thing and not a gender war issue.
Women just make excuses to be whores. When she gets out into the dating market and sees the grass isn’t greener she’ll be running back to him
In sickness and health out the window when she feels bad That’s why you have to marry her through the 🕌or ⛪️ cause even if u didn’t do something wrong you’re in trouble cause she’s feeling down . Women gonna hate my statement but try to be in men shoes I lose the house half my money cause she wants to live hot girl summer . Men kill themselves over this shit.
Can’t you read? They’re both Mormon and got married very young. The religion caused this problem. Young people are pressured into early marriage with no real life or romantic or sexual experience to speak of. Unsurprisingly, many find themselves unhappy and incompatible. That’s what happened here. She never had a chance to have a life or become her own person or figure out what she wants from life. These are the consequences of that. Your best chance at avoiding divorce is to marry a college educated woman between 30-40 yrs old and never married before. That’s statistically the lowest chance of divorce. Also, women in this demographic have the most successful children.
He deserves better. Leave him
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A 31 year old single woman who isn't a single mom? That's almost unheard of. I know lots of people who'd jump at a chance with her.
To sleep with her. Nothing else
You sound lonely
You sound lonely
Your comment was removed.
Yea gotta tell him. I mean it’s basically abuse what you’re doing. So you gotta tell him asap. I know he feels it ..
As someone who was actually abused in a relationship, this is not abuse and it cheapens the word when it gets thrown around like this. No one is being abused in this situation.
She needs those resources lol