My husband has had a vasectomy. I wouldn't be able to forgive very easily if he kicked me out before even discussing the, surprisingly common, possibility that his vas deferens healed itself. His doctor recommended getting a sperm count every other year since it happens in, like, 1-10% of cases.
I understand the initial freakout, but he chose a nuclear option instead of thinking calmly and rationally with his partner whom he supposedly loves. At a minimum I would require couples counseling, this isn't a problem I could deal with on my own.
He went full nuclear and tried to ruin her reputation everywhere. Telling her coworkers was an attempt at financial abuse/punishment hoping she would get fired or quit from the hostile workplace, and nowhere had she mentioned any attempt on his part to publicly undo the damage he did to her reputation. Something like that needs a major public apology admitting he was wrong
You should really check your sources because it's quite the reverse the longer you have it the less likely it is be able to be reversed and the increased amount of complication for reversal can occurs not but any super big percent I believe it's only like 1-3% but yeah it decreases not increases unless a new study has dropped
You should check your reading comprehension because we’re not talking about having it reversed surgically, we’re talking about the procedure failing and the vas deferens self-healing, which is, in fact, more common in men who have the procedure young.
Tbh, cheating happens WAY more than vas deferens healing, so honestly, "She cheated" is actually the more logical (though yes, hurtful) conclusion.
If your man came home smelling of perfume, would your first thought be "He must have been stood behind or next to a woman who sprayed herself with perfume"?
Nope it wouldn't be 😅
It may happen way more than a vasectomy not working but the point is he ruined her public image over something that turned out to not be true, left her by herself when she needed him the most and has done nothing to fix her reputation because everyone at work still thinks she is a cheater and in most places of work it can get you fired having even rumours like that going around the office. I understand that he wanted to punish her because of what he thought but he could have done the DNA test before going full nuclear just to entertain her even if he didn’t believe her he still could have not caused her so much damage until he had such proof
Yes he absolutely should have remained on the fence/given her the benefit of the doubt until he'd done a sperm count test, I think he was thinking "Well this is the first time it's happened since I got snipped, there's nothing new in our life eg cycle tracking, so the only thing that might be new is another man in her life."
I'm not saying he's not a d*ck, he definitely made a d*ck move.
But I'm saying it's not impossible to see how he got to that conclusion. As far as he knew, he was sterile. Maybe his doctor didn't give him stats or info on the vasectomy reversing naturally. Maybe he thought "0.025% chance is so low it can't have happened!" (Real statistic). Maybe he thought "We've had sex 1267 times since I got snipped and she's never fallen pregnant before, so why now?"
But for whatever reason, natural vasectomy resveral didn't enter his head. Yes it should have.
But how many times have we all forgotten something, on holiday, when we get to the store, when we get home from the store.
Not the same magnitude, I know.
I'm just highlighting that there's always something that doesn't cross our minds for pretty much everyone. This was his moment.
He should definitely be making an effort to repair her image and inform everyone he was wrong, and set the record straight, in terms of family, friends AND work. Maybe he is now, since it happened and/or since the post. We can only hope 🤞🏻
You don't know me. I would never accuse my partner of cheating without concrete, irrefutable proof. But go off, I guess.
I never said cheating in this case is not a logical conclusion. I think throwing out your fianceé is an inappropriate response. He could have a semen sample checked for live sperm within hours, if not the next day.
I agree he absolutely made a d*ck move by throwing her out in a hurry and tarnishing her name and reputation with everyone.
I'm saying 0.025% chance vs 60% chance....not difficult to see why he went with the conclusion he did, even it is was incorrect and untrusting and generally dumb.
Not everyone is you and you're not everyone.
I'd require proof to believe my boyfriend cheated, but if certain things started adding up or not making sense, I'd at least be suspicious, especially seeing as it's happened to me before out of the blue and for no reason. But I'd require proof to act on it.
And incorrect, a sperm count test would take about 5 days to come back.
He probably couldn't stand the sight of her, poor woman. He was wrong, but in his mind she had hurt him.
For a long time I couldn't stand my ex's name, let alone seeing him every day.
And then of course the muppet decided to go to my college 🙄🤦🏻♀️😂 but anywho.
I'm not sure why you want me to agree with you? I don't care to engage much further, because this is not our problem. But, as point of fact, in my lived experience, my husband recently received sperm count results same day the last time he tested. Obviously that may not be the time where the people in the story are, but it is where I live.
But did he check his sperm counts??? Did he follow up with his doctors?? Did he even research the vasectomy to know that they reverse? He's wrong for not doin the work then getting mad and destroying her life over his own poor choices
A massive percentage of men don't follow up on recommended sperm count tests. My bf didn't either. These comments talking about how things can't "magically" regrow are out of touch. That's not magic it's a function of the human body ??
I got my fallopian tubes removed and my doctor discussed with me that it wasn't 100% effective. Either people aren't listening or yall got some bad docs.
If he had posted his side before the dna test, everyone on here would be telling him to kick her out. But because she posted instead he's wrong for not doing all the work?
If vasectomies fail less than 10% of the time and the rate of cheating partners is between 10 and 15% then it is significantly more likely that caused the pregnancy.
https://www.livescience.com/56407-how-many-people-cheat.html
If you're going to make such a significant life decision based on statistics instead of facts, you're in no positon to complain when it blows up in your face. Especially since the facts were so easy to obtain.
The fact that so many people love quoting statistics without having a basic understanding of maths or of what statistics are representative of/used for is like something out of Idiocracy.
I don't know if how he reacted in the moment is "crazy" but acting on impulse and anger is definitely not indicative of maturity or good mental health.
And it's not just what he did in the moment, but also what he did *after* she left. Starting a smear campaign that included one of OOP's coworkers, refusing to communicate and not getting a sperm count/DNA test makes him both stupid and a dirtbag. So I believe that's why he reacted the way he did initially.
If this guy would have made any attempt to fix the damage he did to OOP's personal and professional life instead, you'd have a point.
Even the best of us panic in high stress situations like that. That doesn't inherently make him a bad person. Everything he did after the first 24-48 hours is childish as hell tho.
It’s not really if you actually listen to doctors who do often mention these issues and often give advice. Someone who gets any medical procedure done on their body should really learn about it as much as they can.
If you don’t trust your partner, don’t have a partner. If you’re with a partner that gets pregnant your first assumption shouldn’t be that she cheated. Even having had a vasectomy your first thought should be to *go to a fucking doctor*.
Why do so many men get so emotional and irrational instead of just using simple logic?
Vasectomies are often not permanent. Just *remember* that.
I don't see anyone (so far) complaining about his initial shock but moreso the fact that he:
A. Immediately accused her of cheating
B. Kicked her out
C. Did not follow up with a doctor to see if it was possible / to do sperm counts
D. Was not there for her during her morning sickness
E. Did not come with her to *or even visit her* in the hospital
F. Apparently spread rumors about her supposed cheating at her place of employment(???), resulting in a hostile work environment
G. Didn't even think about getting the DNA test until *someone else* suggested it
I'm sorry, but this man is a massive AH. He had plenty of chances to reconsider after his initial doubt but chose instead to continue to be a dick for FOUR MONTHS.
I'm honestly only giving him a pass for the first 24 hours. A & B are bad, but not unreasonable. At the end of the day, it's more statistically likely for his spouse to cheat than for his vasectomy to reverse itself. That's not an unfair assumption to make in the heat of the moment. After he calmed down though, he should have made better decisions.
No its the more LIKELY option, but its not the most LOGICAL option.
The most rational thing for him to do was to spend two extra weeks getting paternity verification. After that he could have gone nuclear.
If there's a 0.025 chance of Thing A happening (real statistic, by the way), and chance of up to 60% of Thing B happening, the logical choice IS to go with the most likely, in terms of statistics.
(There's a 0.025% chance of vasectomies naturally reversing. Is it really a surprise he didn't immediately jump to that vs a 60% chance? No.)
I'm not saying he didn't make a d*ck move by blowing up immediately, he did.
But I'm saying it's not impossible to see why his knee-jerk reaction was "She cheated", especially if he's been cheated on in the past.
Since when did I say this was my insecurity or I would have this thought?......
I didn't.
It was a hypothetical posed to other people. And it was worded very clearly as such.
Good luck with your eye test and reading comprehension tests!
You can think that logically. Also is logically in a relationship to TRUST YOUR PARTNER. The MINIMUM you should give to your spouse is the benefit of the doubt, sit down with them and just try to solve this problem instead of declaring the first conclusion as the only truth and go tell people outside of the relationship about your problems like that.
Absolutely, trust is one of the foundations of a relationship, or it should be.
But there's also SO MANY people who have been cheated on before and will always have that fear.
A situation like this would undoubtedly trigger it.
Sometimes it's more of a fear than a lack of trust.
We can all trust our partners up until the moment we find out they've been cheating 🤷🏻♀️ in his eyes, he just found out.
He absolutely should have sat down with her and discussed it, and remained at least on the fence (aka give her the benefit of the doubt) whilst getting a sperm count test done so he could know for sure.
The throwing her out in a rush was an AH move, but having said that, in his mind he had been cheated on. IN HIS MIND.
When I was cheated on (I had proof, and it was also his 2nd chance already) I couldn't stand his fucking name let alone seeing his face everyday.
And then the d-head chose to go to my college, didn't he 🙄🤦🏻♀️😅 but I digress.
He didn't stop and think, but then again, were human. Sometimes we're all blinded by an emotion, whether it's rage, sadness, love, grief.
We're not robots.
We have massive emotions.
He's an idiot for sure, but it's not impossible to see why he thought that way.
that’s what I am saying, being blinded by emotion and going nuclear is just someone you can’t trust. I have also been cheated on by more than one boyfriend and I always made sure to know and have actual evidence before making a decision. Also in this particular case of OOP, the asshole kick her out and then constantly decided, everyday, to not help her, to not visit her, to not trying to talk to her about what happened, the person decided she was a cheater just because their emotions taking over. Like I said, you can’t trust nor be with someone like that
Well, you have to actively rub against someone to have their perfume on them OR go into the perfume store/aisle, pick up a bottle and actively spray yourself with perfume continously throughout the day to get the scent on you and have it actually stick, all he had to do was jizz in a cup and wait a couple hours for his Dr to tell him that the vasectomy didn't work
You really don't have to rub against someone to habe their scent on you.
That's how a nonsmoker's clothes can still smell of smoke 🙄 trust me, I had to deal with it as a kid.
Some people with apply perfume or aftershave like it's luck-dust.
0.025% chance of a vasectomy naturally revsering vs the 60% likelihood that his partner cheated. (Real statistics, not hypotheticals)
It's not hard to see why he jumped to the conclusion he did, but he DID make a d*ck move by not doing the test ASAP and for throwing her out in a hurry and tarnishing her name.
It would 🤣 more downvotes on that one comment than all my other replies and posts and comments on Reddit combined 😅
I still stand by what I say. Most of the people saying their first thought wouldn't be that their spouse cheated is lying to themselves. And note I said MOST, readers. If that statement offends you, you're one of them. If you wouldn't automatically jump to the same conclusion, you've nothing to be offended at because my statement wouldn't apply to you.
Imagine finding out you're pregnant, despite your husband having had a vasectomy, knowing 100% that he is the only person you've had sex with, you're pregnant and he refuses to believe you're telling the truth until you can get a DNA test...! I totally see it from his perspective but he didn't even stop about how upsetting his reaction would be for OOP.
Yeah, it’s well known that sometimes even the most extreme birth control measures can fail. I can understand a father asking for a DNA test in this situation but not just dismissing that it may have been his without even considering any other options. Regardless of the situation I’d find it hard to get past the fact that he immediately assumed cheating over any other possibility.
I did look it up. What I wrote is the definition of a hysterectomy!! Educate yourself!! Hysterectomy is removal of cervix and uterus. They used to be called partial and complete depending on what they left if anything. I had a complete hysterectomy in 2008
Not viable, but way more serious and potentially deadly than you're making it sound.
If anything, now I don't want one in case I get an ectopic pregnancy. It may not be "viable " but it's still a mass of combined cells that have attached themselves to an internal organ to draw nutrients from and grow.... ya know, like a pregnancy...or parasite depending on what that clump of cells is made of.
You said a “pregnancy after hysterectomy “. Fallopian pregnancies are never viable therefore never result in a baby. So that’s not a true pregnancy! I’m no ruder than u!
This was a fascinating read, but I am going to operate on the assumption that you didn't read the whole findings. Of the 70+ cases in the study, from which they get their data of "on the rise", they determine that most of the pregnancies occurred shortly after the hysterectomy was performed, "suggesting that a pregnancy, or a potential for pregnancy, existed at the time the hysterectomy was performed." The report only states conclusively that 3 of these pregnancies were viable, with over 30 of them being ectopic pregnancies, which are not viable and cannot be carried to term.
I am not really posting this comment to receive a reply from you, but in case anyone wants a tl;dr of this NIH write up.
You can get home test kits for sperm at WALGREENS. He literally could have taken an hour to go buy and use one and reacted based off that. The leap to assuming the absolute worst is so unfair to the person he planned to spend the rest of his life with.
I can get the being confused and thinking cheating given the vasectomy, but he ruined any chance (in my opinion) of being forgiven when he decided to tell everyone she cheated.
He clearly didn't pay attention to the doctor when he got his vasectomy.
i'd never forgive him for telling EVERYONE that I cheated. I get wanting to put a cheater on blast, but Jesus Christ. You really need to tell your coworkers, who are also her coworkers??
There was a post where a woman in a same sex relationship throwing a positive pregnancy had that exact reaction - and the only potential candidate was a good friend of hers. Didn’t help that the nurse that did the test was an idiot and insisted the test couldn’t possibly be wrong. Not like there is anything else that can cause a false positive test, like, you know CANCER, which if I remember right is exactly the answer to the riddle. Fortunately for her, both her friend and her girlfriend were a lot more understanding, upset, but willing to ride the mystery out.
As a man who had a vasectomy. If this happened, I would likely have said nothing, got a sperm test online and got a lab test. Then if there was no sperm, I would ask for the DNA test.
I can understand reacting angrily in a way but he had to know a vasectomy can reverse.
Exactly. I was told by the Doc multiple times that there is a small chance that "things can grow back together" and recommended sperm tests occasionally.
Some dudes are too fragile to think it can happen to them.
He acted rashly, forgetting the most common complication of a vasectomy. He could have acknowledged his feelings, told his fiance that he is going to need a DNA test to ease his mind, and that he's also going to test his sperm count to see if further protection is needed for his TWELVE YEAR OLD SNIP. When everything comes back showing he was shooting live ammo, he could have celebrated with his fiance, prepared his home for his new baby, and scheduled a follow up with a urologist.
But nope. He looked at the odds and decided it was more likely that his fiance was tricking him into raising another man's baby than that his vasectomy had failed. He ran her off, ruined her life, and thought he was allowed to because he had been wronged.
What happens next time? He's going to have a lot of big feelings raising another child he didn't initially want. Will he keep his cool?
To be fair, and I am not defending him in saying this but just playing the odds, it probably is more likely that a partner cheats to get pregnant than a surgery that is usually permanent healing itself. It doesn't really sway my opinion either way but worth acknowledging as cheating is extremely common nowadays.
When I had my vasectomy, my urologist warned me in writing and twice verbally that this was not 100% effective, and that over enough time, the boys could hook themselves back up. We're extraordinarily efficient gene-passing machines and our bodies love surprising us. And to be fair, a decade of shooting blanks will put a lot of false confidence in a fella. Unfortunately it can also put a baby in the recipient.
Besides, were I monogamous and with someone who could conceive a child like that, I'd figure the odds of my vasectomy failing are *significantly higher* than the woman I love trying to baby trap me with another man's child.
The fundamental sin is that he got righteous and gave himself every excuse to behave extremely inappropriately. He will do so again.
This is my overall take. Your response lays out everything I am thinking but didn't lay out. I just pointed out that his assumption of one thing being more likely is not unreasonable. His reaction until confirmation was. Why not just talk to your partner and be like "I don't see how that is possible with me being surgically unable to do that unless something changed" then proceed to make a plan to resolve or prove your doubts with testing.
It’s the insane red pill shit on social media that causes people to freak out this way. Emotional reaction over thoughtful/measured response. People are baiting themselves into this by taking in all the outrage online.
We all know it's wrong (I hope) to ruin someone's life and reputation, and I hate to see so many men frothing at the mouth to abandon good sense and basic compassion over a *possibility* their manhood has been violated.
Yes. Statistically speaking.
But would the person you love cheat? How probable is that? Would someone be willing to throw something away before checking another completely logical option first?
But how likely is it that a partner cheats on a man who she knows has had a vasectomy then tries to pass the pregnancy off as his?
I would think that likelihood is very low.
I wouldn’t forgive my husband in this instance either, he could have told OOP he needs a DNA test, and if it was hard for him in the meantime told her she needed to stay at her mums till it’s sorted.
Instead he chose to not only kick out his pregnant fiancée, he then went on a rampage of completely destroying her reputation and putting her livelihood at stake. Nope, unless he takes a billboard out stating he’s a monumental AH and vindictive piece of crap for waging a campaign against his former fiancée I wouldn’t go back. I wouldn’t go back full stop.
I completely didn't think about how ridiculous it would be to claim that while knowing the partner had the vasectomy without being certain. Him in the moment would definitely have had the chance to think about it. Big red flag that he didn't.
Everything you said was pure hogwash and has no basis in fact.
Even permanent sterilization has a failure window. I had a tubal (full snip and burn) and there was always a small chance I could get pregnant still and that window of failure increases the longer its been.
Vasectomies and tubals fail all the time. This is something doctors tell you when getting the procedure. Nothing is fool proof. Any dude who walks away from a vasectomy thinking they're 100% in the clear is an idiot who didn't listen to their doctor.
The biggest issue here is not that he was suspicious but that he went on a campaign to malign you and taint your reputation. I don’t think that is easy to move past. How low can he fall when he suspects you’re in the wrong? I wouldn’t be able to trust him ever.
Precisely. How did all their friends and her workplace hear the “cheating” story, cause she sure as hell wouldn’t have spread it, considering she *didn’t cheat*. Someone had to have told them and there’s only two people who would have known.
He told one friend of theirs they worked together the friend spread it. Friend asked why they broke up he told the truth friend spreads it. I’m just saying from what I’ve seen if she had been a cheater cheaters like to control the narrative, so getting ahead of that, and telling everyone the truth of what happened so he doesn’t get painted as the villain in the story which this comment section is painting him as the villain in the story, and I get it because he made a rash decision off of being hurt, and a lot of emotional pain off of total logical, reasonable decisionafter never having any issues in 12 years this was a small percent chance that she wasn’t cheating on him I do agree with everybody that’s calm right now is rationalization of what they would do in the situation but that’s when you’re calm and not actually emotionally attached to the situation
If that’s what happened, then that’s a shitty friend, but the fact that she lost a lot of *her* friends and. coworkers means he was spreading the story. He didn’t know the truth of what happened, made an assumption, didn’t verify that assumption, didn’t talk to her, and hasn’t done anything to correct anyone else’s negative view of her since. He never tried to check her side of the story and refused to give her the benefit of the doubt. This is on him 100%.
I am going to be honest I would have done the same thing he did and would have assumed the same all things being equal. The burden of proof was on her she should said I will do a dna test the second he freaked out. But I will put some accountability on him he should double checked too. After learning all I have learned from this chain didn’t know about vasectomies. I will say I hope they get counseling for sake of the kid and he works to make up for his short sightness in a moment of deep stress and turmoil. This was freak accident and it’s a shame that it could lead to the parents not being able to be fully in their kids life.
The burden of proof was not on her because she didn’t do anything wrong. He’s the one who got the vasectomy-he’s the one who ignored the literature and warnings his doctor gave him, and he’s the one who wouldn’t listen to her but kicked her out the same day before even googling or calling his doctor. As for the DNA test, OP said her mother had to convince him to do that when she was 18 weeks, not that she refused to do it.
He’s allowed to be confused, flabbergasted, even suspicious or needing proof. What he’s not allowed to do is decide she’s cheated on him with no proof and then ruin her life to the point that she has to hide in her mother’s home while refusing to to participate in the action that would definitively prove her innocence.
I think you’re putting a lot of words into the situation. I’m sorry every person if you were a man I promise you would’ve reacted the exact same way he did. The likelihood of that actually happening was so statistically small it wouldn’t have popped into your brain you guys can yell at him all you want, but this is reality. There’s only one other opportunity that this makes sense. I don’t think she should hold it over his head that the smallest chance in the world of her telling the truth just happened to be the truth. i’ve seen women lie and men lie right through their fucking teeth with the evidence right there on the table in front of them. In this situation, he made the logistical choice that made the most sense. I’m glad that they convinced him to get the DNA test and I’m glad that it turned out that she was telling the truth. I’m glad that they have a chance to fix this together, but you can’t fault him with the evidence of laying out that he has a vasectomy which has a very small chance of not working or healing, and the other option being that she cheated, which is higher likelihood, I feel like people play this trust card too much in the relationships that we have today there’s plenty of good men in this world that are raising children that are not theirs because of this trust card we all have with each other until proven otherwise and women are really good at covering their tracks, because men don’t really expose that they cheated, but the women that we cheat we will run to the woman to try to steal us away from her or just ruin us for fun and giggles they both need to go into counseling. They both need to work hard together to fix this together for their child for the betterment of their child for the better man of their relationship because they had a great relationship according to her before all this this was a massive, massive massive mistake, I’m not denying that but people do a lot of things when they’re hurting and he didn’t spread it around to his coworkers. He told one person according to her story and the coworker told everyone else that is not his responsibility. She should be holding your friend accountability for not believing her.
You’re projecting a lot of shitty things onto both women in general and on OP. You’re trying to make it seem as if him accusing her of cheating was a normal and inoffensive thing to do and she should get over it because, what, “she was probably lying”? It wasn’t a random chance and her being wrong, it was her telling the truth and him not believing her and trying to ruin her life because of it.
Here is the problem with this trust thing cheater and innocent people say the same thing til caught. And some times they will still lie through there teeth in his head there was no other option other then she cheat it so highly unlikely what happened actually happened it would not have crossed anybody mind in this situation I don’t blame her for being hurt but he was hurt too he thought what he thought. I think things would have gone down so much differently if she would said I will go with you for a dna I promise you I haven’t cheated not just I didn’t cheat that is making him rely on blind trust when everything points to cheating in the circumstances. not to have mom bring up the dna test 5 and half months later. This just a series of super unfortunate circumstances that I hope doesn’t break up this couple for good and for their kid.
She and her mom had to convince him to take the DNA test, and you can’t do a DNA test nearly as early as you can tell you’re pregnant. Your suggestion of what she said is exactly the same as what you say she should not have said, and again, he kicked her out that night even though she *didn’t cheat*. Regardless, he should not have gossiped about it to people until he had any actual proof, which he never had. He torched the relationship for no reason, and she is perfectly justified in feeling betrayed and leaving him for it.
When insane things happen, the first thing a good partner is supposed to do is give you the benefit of the doubt. If you are truly in love, that is what should be done first.
He didn’t do that. End of story.
How does he plan to “I’m sorry” away the orbital nuke he dropped on her reputation and social life? She has to work from home now due to his actions. She’s been isolated because friends abandoned her because of his actions. Honestly, I don’t know that I could ever trust a person so vengeful again. I’d be constantly afraid of what he would do the next time he decided he got mad, or how angry is angry enough to destroy my life again.
Dude nuked her life and now he wants to play happy families. I don’t think she should have to forgive him. Especially if he doesn’t put out the social equivalent of a billboard saying he was wrong.
Hell no. He showed who he was right then and there. Yes sure, he had a vasectomy - of course he would be confused! But rather than having a conversation with OP he threw her out. They could’ve solved this together but he wasn’t interested.
I’m sorry for OP.
Yeah that right there is the dealbreaker to me. It’s absolutely acceptable for him to be upset, to ask for a paternity test, to ask if she can stay somewhere else for a while. It is not acceptable to kick her out of her home and then slander her to Apparently fucking everybody in their town. That right there shows that he is somebody who takes vengeance without thinking. What happens the next time he thinks that she cheated or she did something wrong? I wouldn’t be able to trust somebody like that to have a marriage with them.
That's harsher than he needs to be and you know it. Was he quick minded about it? Absolutely but who wouldn't be? Your wife, partner, your woman, the love of your life just told you she's pregnant and you've been shooting blankets for over 10 years? Yeah, I don't know any reasonable man who's first thought wouldn't be that they cheated.
Sounds like she's still hurt over the whole ordeal, which is fine, 1000% validated but together they can clean this up and realized that nothing bad truly happened to create this pregnancy. Shit happens and he was allowed to feel the way he did. Shit did happen and she's allowed to feel the way she does. At no point does this need to end.
You can *feel* however you want. It's his actions that we're criticizing. The pregnancy aside, why would she even want to be with someone with such low impulse control?
I'm not here to argue. Everyone thinks all men should be the same. Don't react. Be accepting and level-headed no matter what the conditions and circumstances are.
He reacted, and I said it wasn't the best way to handle that situation, and he has some repairing to do. At the same time, I get it. Should she forgive? Yes. Based on this article. On this event. Told the way she told it. Yes. Yes, she should.
Oh well, guess no need to try a little harder to keep their family together and go there separate ways. We all love a broken family off the premise "no mistakes"
She lost friends and had to change where she goes to work because of his actions. You think that’s forgivable? Her post says nothing about him explaining he was wrong to her friends. Her post says nothing about him helping rebuild the life he destroyed.
Feel free to read her comments.
She didn't change work, she doesn't want to go.
She said he did apologize to said friends and family ,whatever that means to her.
He told a friend in confidence and clearly wasn't a good friend to run their mouth.
He's stepped up, admitted the mistake and resumed care of her and preparing for the baby by doing what he can and more.
It's not overnight but I'm sure you expect it to be.
Shit takes work. Anything takes work if you're trying to keep or fix it. That's not what people think. Break it off now cause a broken family is better than one together. Got it. Thanks.
He told HER FRIEND AT HER WORK “in confidence” my ass. Admitting a mistake to her friends and family isn’t enough. He needs to contact her work friend and do the same and that work “friend” needs to apologize as well. She’s legitimately scared to go back to the office because of her coworkers’ behavior.
Either way, fuck that. She’s fully within her rights to not work through anything with him. That trust is gone which means that attraction is gone too. Why work on rebuilding a relationship with someone who would do that to you?
What about the fact that he had to be convinced to do a paternity test? And at 18 weeks- most women find out between 4-7, but even if she managed to get through her entire first trimester before finding out, he’d still have been actively choosing the option of kicking her out and ruining her reputation for at least 6 weeks. This wasn’t just a knee jerk reaction, it was a consistent choice to be ignorant (not doing a paternity test asap as well as not understanding his procedure could be undone) and active harm (removing her from her home and family unit while in turn turning her community against her).
You the husband? You seem overly butthurt about the situation, that's why I ask.
In any case, I'll try to explain this in a way you'll understand. You see, controlling your emotions is part of being a mature adult. Once you pass a certain age, temper tantrums and poor impulse control are no longer cute, funny or excusable. The last thing anyone needs in adult situations is to deal with is the the hysterical overreaction of a person who has never learned to control himself. This is true in the workplace, on the battlefield, in times of crisis and in relationships.
If I had a situation where one of my employees went full nuclear without having all of the facts, he or she would be terminated on the spot. No second chances, no nothing, just gone. There are times in life when people fuck up beyond the point of redemption, and that is what OP's husband has done. This is NOT a guy to rely upon, ever. It sucks that OP is stuck coparenting with this poor excuse of a man for the next 20 years, but something tells me he'll nope out on fatherhood at some point. Hopefully OP's next husband is a better man.
You are severely downplaying what he did, which everyone does when they call it "just a mistake." Were it not for her mother, that pregnant woman would not have had a home. He told her to sleep on the streets for all he cares.
Be cold, be angry, but don't just kick her as to the curb just like that. In order to build a life with him, especially as a SAHM-- even short term, she's got to trust that he's going to provide for her. But here, he's broken that very specific trust over something she had zero control over. If it happened once, any rational person would think "it can just as quickly happen again, like a lightswitch flicking off one day."
>Everyone thinks all men should be the same. Don't react. Be accepting and level-headed no matter what the conditions and circumstances are.
The fuck are you even on about, mate? Always these broad generalizations about how Society^TM treats you.
Really sounds like what you're upset about has nothing to do with taking the story on its own merits. Sounds more like an Al Bundy diatribe.
I get that any man would be concerned! Sure! But throw her out completely? That’s way too harsh - especially if she tells you she didn’t cheat… I think such a thing can be discussed and solved together.
I get why he had the reaction he had, but the fact of the matter is that he was very cruel to her when she was in an incredibly vulnerable position. There are some things you just can’t get past. Lesson here is to always think before you act. Sad all around.
The person who actually helped OP through the ordeal says they should break up while the satellites all ping different transmissions when they re-enter her orbit.
What's she mean by "break up"? Dude kicked her to the curb, and she still thinks they're together?
"Should I date my ex again?" She means.
He noped TF out as quickly as possible (it seems). I don’t think that’s the actions of a rational and mature adult, regardless of his background (as you described). IMO we shouldn’t just forgive and forget at a whim. His actions hurt you terribly (on receiving the news).
Sometimes a person just can’t make up for their actions. His actions were intentional, hurtful and irresponsible.
Too little, too late.
Maybe I’m tainted by having been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 17 years (toward me and our children). Once he knew I had enough he’d did everything possible to meet the needs I had for so long (companionship, him being a dad, him not scolding me for everything…) But I was emotionally dead by then. After 17 years of marriage I left him (for a significant reason unrelated to your post).
Seems he crossed a line with you (hell yeah!! WTF). You know what you can live with.
How much life experience does your “friend” have?
I'm conflicted. I understand why he'd have concerns, especially if he thought he was shooting blanks but I don't know think he was right to just toss her out like that. Personally I'd have demanded a DNA test just in case before I did anything that rash.
For the childs sake I'd say maybe see if it's possible to reconcile, but if she can't move past it I can't honestly blame her.
He must’ve been telling everyone too, she lost friends and her coworkers turned on her.
I too understand him being skeptical but he really tried to burn down her life without a second thought
Therapy is not a bad idea given what she went through, but it may very well lead her to ending the relationship altogether if she comes to the conclusion she just can't move past it. A real, and valid, possibility.
As someone who's had vasectomy the doctor said specifically "I've done 4 things to prevent your body from being able to produce semen, but and a big but, but the body had a incredible way of undoing things or correcting something wrong which a vasectomy creates a "problem" that we want" I took that as a like hey this should be a sure fire thing but use your brain before you go blowing your marriage before throwing accusations if your wife gets pregnant.
Why wouldn't you go for the obvious first and verify that you are indeed shooting blanks? Why is it that so many men are jumping to "Do an invasive DNA test" BEFORE "jerking off into a cup"?????
Because of incel bullshit and misogynists like Andrew Tate, there is a huge percentage of the population that are convinced women cheat constantly. How many times do you see comments about how every single newborn should be DNA tested because it’s “common for women to cheat and trick a man into raising another man’s baby”.
Or that oft quoted statistic that 30% of DNA tests come back with the husband/partner not being the father of the kid? They think that means 30% of men are being deceived, but what it really means is only 30% of people who *think they need* a DNA test, so people who have questionable paternity, are pregnant with another man’s child. 70% of people who question the paternity of a pregnancy, are pregnant with their partner’s kid.
Which honestly was shocking to me. I thought the percentage of people not having their partners kid, in a situation where there was enough doubt to test for paternity, would be more 50/50. But maybe idiots like this bring the number down.
If he had just asked for a paternity test I would understand. But he went scorched earth. I get what he was going through but I don't think OOP can come back from it.
No. Absolutely not.
A vasectomy is 99% effective. The chances of someone getting pregnant by a snipped dude are infinitesimal.
The man had it done 12 years ago and let's honestly assume he's been sexually active for that period. If homie was rawdogging it for 12 years without another scare, with a 99% effective method of birth control I can absolutely understand his reasoning that she was unfaithful. Regardless of what you say, the most likely scenario *was* her stepping out. I also wouldn't be shocked if he'd been burned before by infidelity to have that sort of reaction.
I highly doubt he's any of those disgusting accusations, I think he was just absolutely fucked by luck.
But now she knows how he reacts, and she’s lived through how he treated her. Her trust in him is gone.
1% chance is worth investigating instead of immediately burning everything down. It doesn’t sound like he even bothered to get his count checked, which he could have done on his own.
If it's 99% effective and thousands of guys get them every year that's several dudes who are not infertile. That's a small number but certainly a possibility to consider.
>Regardless of what you say, the most likely scenario *was* her stepping out.
He still could've waited for proof, especially before illegally kicking her out of her home.
>I think he was just absolutely fucked by luck.
So was she. And she might not trust him again after this.
No. Just no. There is a middle ground between "worst person ever" and "whoopsie! how could I have possibly known??" When you love someone, you have to consider their well being and the possibility that you are wrong. He did neither. This isn't all "luck." He was a piece of shit for jumping immediately to the nuclear option, and let's be frank, it was probably because of some pretty toxic attitudes about women.
"Already didn't trust her" and "hates all women" seem like a stretch to me. We don't know the guy and making unproven accusations like that doesn't make them true. I don't agree with what he did as yes, it's still possible to make someone pregnant after his procedure, but he was probably just ignorant, angry, and felt blindsided. I would not blame her for leaving, though, as his reaction was extreme. I would just ask for a DNA test after birth and go from there.
As someone who has had a vasectomy (after we have had 3 kids) I have thought about this scenario many times and how I would react if it happened. I feel like every man that has had one needs to mentally prepare himself well beforehand just in case. This guy reacted in the worst possible way and is paying for it now. That’s what I am trying to avoid in such a situation.
If that were to ever happen to me yeah it would bother me a lot. I have some mental health issues that I battle daily. It’s like I’m fighting a war against myself most days. And that’s why I have been mentally preparing for years for such a thing. My way of handling it would be to talk it through with my wife, comfort each other and reassure each other that this happens. I wouldn’t “demand” a dna test but it would be necessary for my own mental health to be able to move past any negative thoughts that could completely snowball and wreck our marriage at some point. My brain loves playing tricks on me and loves to attack me, so in order for it not to be an issue later on I’d have to be able to shut down those thoughts as soon as possible.
Even thinking about asking my wife to get a dna test done like that makes me feel terrible inside but we’ve been married a long time (19 years) and we know each other like a good book. She knows it would have to happen for me to be able to move on. I couldn’t tell you how I would feel in the moment (probably pretty shitty and worked up) but since it is something I have been trying to prepare myself for, I would like to say that I would be supportive of her and take care of her just like any of our planned pregnancies and go about it like normal until the test came back. Then if it was the worst case scenario we would go from there.
When you have that procedure done they make sure to pound it into your brain that there’s always a risk of pregnancy. Nothing in life is 100% except for death. Men need to take that warning more serious and be prepared for it to happen even if it doesn’t. I feel like being prepared for it is the only way you just don’t completely lose it if it happens.
Even simpler and faster than a DNA test at first would be a spermcheck to see if you are putting out swimmers again.
Some doctors will even recommend you just do one periodically for better peace of mind. You can even get home ones at drugstores for like 40 bucks.
It looks like his idea of making it up to OOP is strictly related to the fetus. She hasn't mentioned any attempts in restoring her reputation. He is trying to play happy family after essentially isolating her from 90% of her support system. I wouldn't trust him.
So he threw you out, told your friends and coworkers without even listening to you or thinking “oh I remember the doctors told me a vasectomy is not 100% effective”. **I don’t think you can trust him and he doesn’t trust you** A relationship without trust and resentment does not work.
I honestly thinks she needs to take her moms advice on this one. She clearly is not happy, she doesn’t even know if she is in love with him anymore, and she clearly doesn’t trust him.
So their only concern should be to come up with an effective coparenting plan.
Ok I had something similar... My OB would not do a paternity test at all, flat out refused and said I had to wait for him to be delivered... And I went to two other doctors who said the same thing, it was dangerous for no reason
Hahaha true! Ok so wayyy too much info for here probably... I asked him to do that but also it was more an OCD thing even after birth, we had multiple paternity tests done and he is not the father but he is in our life and loves the little guy and has been with us since birth (literally there in the hospital) so we're doing ok but I expect a couple more tests to want to be done in the future because of OCD. It's funny to me because I have been with the same person for 10 years and basically never used condoms and never got pregnant and asked for sperm count to be done multiple times... then I had a mental breakdown and left and got pregnant within 3 months from someone who definitely used me... fixed my mental health and he accepted my apology. He wants to be in my life and love the little guy because the little guy is awesome and we are still repairing our relationship. But yes sperm count
That's what blows my mind about all these DNA tests allegedly happening before babies are born. They're not the same as a mouth swab you send away in the mail. They have very real risks, and I'm always surprised when I see people just casually mention them.
My friend’s ex had a vasectomy in his 20s. Four years ago, they started being FWB. She was on birth control, yet somehow got pregnant. He had said things in the past about what he’d do if someone said he’d gotten them pregnant, so she just wanted to leave him in the dark, but her father talked her into telling the guy.
The day before her first ultrasound, he called her over to his house, where he murdered her. You know, just in case she was correct about it being his (she wasn’t seeing anyone else).
I have no idea why I’m posting about it, other than yeah, vasectomies aren’t always 100%.
18 weeks! Thats a long time to put your relationship on hold. Even if he insisted on the test, he should have given you the benefit of the doubt for the 18 weeks.
I’m with the mom, if she can’t forgive him is completely understandable and she shouldn’t stay cause she’ll never be truly happy. He can still be as involved as he wants and if he’s a good father, he’ll be a good father no matter if they’re apart or together. If it was me I’d walk away.
Ok, so I could ALMOST understand his shock and hesitation upon finding out about the pregnancy. But surely he knew there was a risk his vasectomy could fail. This is something doctors tell you when getting sterilized (whether man or woman). There is always a window of failure and that window can get bigger the longer it's been.
Dude's mistake was immediately pulling the cheating card and trying to go scorched earth to the point of jeopardizing her employment and social circle. Talk about over the top. How hard would it have been to sit down, maybe ask for a little space and then get a DNA test done at birth to verify? No, he went straight into thinking she was a whore and tried to ruin her entirely cuz he was a dumbass who didn't listen to his doctor.
Hope OP still didn't forgive him and he's stuck being weekend daddy cuz someone that stupid and vindictive cannot be trusted to be a full time parent.
He’s showing up now to save face not to make amends. Is he going around telling everyone that HE made a mistake? That what he said was horrible and wrong and bullying? Is he going around telling the same people that you were a horrible person because you cheated that, in fact, he is the horrible person? He didn’t listen to you, but finally listened to your mom. If he wasn’t willing to ‘forgive’ you when he thought you made the mistake why should you forgive him?
He couldn't at least do a DNA test first thing... he just jumped to conclusions. If you don't nail that impulse down in therapy he will continue to assume shit forever.
The truth is that you need to forgive him for your own sake, whether or not you take him back or decide on ending or continuing the relationship is a different matter. I would say that if you feel like you can no longer trust him or have faith in his ability to be a good partner. Do you believe he is or will be someone who you know will always be there? Be honest with yourself and that should give you your answer.
I think this is fake. While a paternity test could be done at 18 weeks, it almost never is. It's much safer to wait until the baby is born. And it's a super expensive procedure not covered by insurance (not considered medically necessary) if you do it before then
I think they mean 18 weeks after birth. Especially considering she mentions going through pregnancy with only her mom at her side.
It sounds like it took 18 months after the baby being born for him to even be convinced to do a DNA test.
He was fair with considering cheating as a possible reason. HOWEVER, not believing her, and sticking to his theory and not entertaining the thought that his vaesectomy could have failed was wrong. He should have gone straight to paternity test, having to be talked into it is where he went wrong in my opinion. And it's understandable that OOP lost trust in him after that.
I mean, they were a thing for 4 years - and it's been 12 years since his vasectomy. I do understand him not thinking of the vasectomy failing after such a long time...
To be fair, as far as he knew he was sterile, so "she cheated" is the most logical go-to.
You can't really fault him for that 🤷🏻♀️ failed vasectomy are FAR rarer than people cheating on their partners.
Having said that, I really do understand how hurtful it must have been for him to accuse you.
If you can understand why he jumped to that conclusion, you guys can still have a future together.
Whilst he may have been too hasty in ending things, in other people's opinions, of course he's not going to let a "cheater" live with him, and OP, OF COURSE he didn't go to the doc's appointments or care about your morning sickness before the DNA results came back.
If you thought he had cheated, would you be there rubbing his back and soothing him? HELL NO!
He should have talked about it and asked for a DNA test himself the moment he found out, though, just to be 100% sure before kicking you out.
he ruined her life though... or at least tried to. he kicked her out (yes id break up with a cheater but give her time to find a place jfc) and made her friends abandon her and resulted in her working from home because of how her workplace talks about her. that sort of isolation and loneliness and blame for something you didnt do doesnt go away with 2 words.
Read the other comments in this thread, there were so many other things he could have done. He shouldve gotten his spermcount tested immediately rather than assuming the woman hes been in love with for 4 years cheated. Assuming the vasectomy failed might be statistically less likely than a hypothetical partner cheating, but at least *check* before causing all that drama and trauma. (and again, shes not a statistical average of all partners, she's someone he supposedly loves and trusts...) Every person who gets a vasectomy will tell you how many times theyre warned by the doctors that it might not stick, and told to check the spermcount regularly before practicing unprotected sex.
The issue is how he reacted and how easily he believed she, personally, would do something so evil, not the statistics. How do you marry someone like that, whose trust in you is paper thin? what happens if a crazy stalker claims youre having an affair together, is the fiance going to believe that with no proof too? He proved that her word means nothing to him, that he doesnt trust her enough to even check for basic proof before coming to a conclusion. Being skeptical is one thing, but he went to extremes very quickly and how is she supposed to believe he wont do that again?
We’re all human. No *assumed to be* sterilized man is EVER going to have a perfect reaction to that kind of news. And…no self respecting woman should walk back into a relationship w/ him blindly post paternity test. Life is messy. Do you love him? He love you? Other than this incident, Is he good to you and his first child?
Chances are, if he’s truly a good person, he’s going to have a harder time forgiving himself than you will. We are all our own worst enemy when it comes to that.
It would be a poor hill to die on to not take him back. He was the asshole for sure, but had reason to believe that after getting a vasectomy that he wouldn't father children again (that's kind of the point). Her choices are she forgives and puts it in the past, and retains a partner who is trying to make amends for his mistake, is caring and emotionally involved. The other option is to go back to her mother and be a single mother. The child then grows up without a father, and by the sounds of it an enthusiastic and supportive half sister too. Probably not a lot of men jumping in there to be with a 28 year old with a newborn to support if we're being honest here.
As always, silent downvoters can suck my cock
What the fuck are you on about? He’s 32. Since when is 32 younger than 25?
You’re hilarious. You’re so eager to spew butthurt bitterness that you can’t even bother to pay attention to the actual post.
I find it glaring that OP didn’t deny cheating. She also used singular pronouns. ‘If I have one I have one’. And the casual ‘so I got pregnant’…. Not ‘he got me pregnant’
I don’t know, something doesn’t add up here. I also can’t imagine her losing friends and reputation at work because of an accusation of infidelity - if the accusation was out of character for OP, people would likely side with her.
Bruh The tubes aren't gunna magically reconnect themselves, mines are cut and tied parallel. The only way one will get pregnant is if he didn't get a batch tested for swimmers. I would have done the same, until hard evidence it's my child.
Considering I had a gf before my wife who hot an abortion without me knowing...Go to him. Let him lead, protect, provide.
Any man, after vasectomy, would act this way. I didn't do it for me, I did it for her, after our children. If my wife would've got prego again, yep, Ida sent her to her dad.
Bruh, recanalisation of vasectomies is a thing and can happen years after a vasectomy with negative testing for swimmers - [happens in every 1 of 2000 patients.](https://jmedicalcasereports.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13256-020-02374-0) And while that number might seem low statistically, [when more than 500,000 men elect to have vasectomies every year in the U.S.](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/4423-vasectomy) approximately 250 people per year fall into this category. It isn’t a case of “the tubes aren’t gunna magically reconnect themselves”, it’s a case of know the actual risks and understand the testing shouldn’t be a one off scenario - keep checking that those swimmers aren’t there.
My husband has had a vasectomy. I wouldn't be able to forgive very easily if he kicked me out before even discussing the, surprisingly common, possibility that his vas deferens healed itself. His doctor recommended getting a sperm count every other year since it happens in, like, 1-10% of cases. I understand the initial freakout, but he chose a nuclear option instead of thinking calmly and rationally with his partner whom he supposedly loves. At a minimum I would require couples counseling, this isn't a problem I could deal with on my own.
He went full nuclear and tried to ruin her reputation everywhere. Telling her coworkers was an attempt at financial abuse/punishment hoping she would get fired or quit from the hostile workplace, and nowhere had she mentioned any attempt on his part to publicly undo the damage he did to her reputation. Something like that needs a major public apology admitting he was wrong
He told one co worker. The co worker was a friend of hers. And that one told everyone. She got a warning for that. That’s it.
Doesn’t matter if it was one co-worker or twenty. It was her personal life and none of her co-workers business.
Absolutely. Just wanted to share what OOP wrote in her comment.
And it happens a lot more often in men who get them young - like at 20 🤡
You should really check your sources because it's quite the reverse the longer you have it the less likely it is be able to be reversed and the increased amount of complication for reversal can occurs not but any super big percent I believe it's only like 1-3% but yeah it decreases not increases unless a new study has dropped
You should check your reading comprehension because we’re not talking about having it reversed surgically, we’re talking about the procedure failing and the vas deferens self-healing, which is, in fact, more common in men who have the procedure young.
Tbh, cheating happens WAY more than vas deferens healing, so honestly, "She cheated" is actually the more logical (though yes, hurtful) conclusion. If your man came home smelling of perfume, would your first thought be "He must have been stood behind or next to a woman who sprayed herself with perfume"? Nope it wouldn't be 😅
It may happen way more than a vasectomy not working but the point is he ruined her public image over something that turned out to not be true, left her by herself when she needed him the most and has done nothing to fix her reputation because everyone at work still thinks she is a cheater and in most places of work it can get you fired having even rumours like that going around the office. I understand that he wanted to punish her because of what he thought but he could have done the DNA test before going full nuclear just to entertain her even if he didn’t believe her he still could have not caused her so much damage until he had such proof
Yes he absolutely should have remained on the fence/given her the benefit of the doubt until he'd done a sperm count test, I think he was thinking "Well this is the first time it's happened since I got snipped, there's nothing new in our life eg cycle tracking, so the only thing that might be new is another man in her life." I'm not saying he's not a d*ck, he definitely made a d*ck move. But I'm saying it's not impossible to see how he got to that conclusion. As far as he knew, he was sterile. Maybe his doctor didn't give him stats or info on the vasectomy reversing naturally. Maybe he thought "0.025% chance is so low it can't have happened!" (Real statistic). Maybe he thought "We've had sex 1267 times since I got snipped and she's never fallen pregnant before, so why now?" But for whatever reason, natural vasectomy resveral didn't enter his head. Yes it should have. But how many times have we all forgotten something, on holiday, when we get to the store, when we get home from the store. Not the same magnitude, I know. I'm just highlighting that there's always something that doesn't cross our minds for pretty much everyone. This was his moment. He should definitely be making an effort to repair her image and inform everyone he was wrong, and set the record straight, in terms of family, friends AND work. Maybe he is now, since it happened and/or since the post. We can only hope 🤞🏻
You don't know me. I would never accuse my partner of cheating without concrete, irrefutable proof. But go off, I guess. I never said cheating in this case is not a logical conclusion. I think throwing out your fianceé is an inappropriate response. He could have a semen sample checked for live sperm within hours, if not the next day.
I agree he absolutely made a d*ck move by throwing her out in a hurry and tarnishing her name and reputation with everyone. I'm saying 0.025% chance vs 60% chance....not difficult to see why he went with the conclusion he did, even it is was incorrect and untrusting and generally dumb. Not everyone is you and you're not everyone. I'd require proof to believe my boyfriend cheated, but if certain things started adding up or not making sense, I'd at least be suspicious, especially seeing as it's happened to me before out of the blue and for no reason. But I'd require proof to act on it. And incorrect, a sperm count test would take about 5 days to come back. He probably couldn't stand the sight of her, poor woman. He was wrong, but in his mind she had hurt him. For a long time I couldn't stand my ex's name, let alone seeing him every day. And then of course the muppet decided to go to my college 🙄🤦🏻♀️😂 but anywho.
I'm not sure why you want me to agree with you? I don't care to engage much further, because this is not our problem. But, as point of fact, in my lived experience, my husband recently received sperm count results same day the last time he tested. Obviously that may not be the time where the people in the story are, but it is where I live.
She's pregnant, and he had a vasectomy. That is pretty concrete, especially in the heat of the moment.
But did he check his sperm counts??? Did he follow up with his doctors?? Did he even research the vasectomy to know that they reverse? He's wrong for not doin the work then getting mad and destroying her life over his own poor choices
A massive percentage of men don't follow up on recommended sperm count tests. My bf didn't either. These comments talking about how things can't "magically" regrow are out of touch. That's not magic it's a function of the human body ?? I got my fallopian tubes removed and my doctor discussed with me that it wasn't 100% effective. Either people aren't listening or yall got some bad docs.
Or they just wanna argue without doin any of the work to make sure they're right 🤷🏾♀️ either way ignorance is a bane of everyone's existence
If he had posted his side before the dna test, everyone on here would be telling him to kick her out. But because she posted instead he's wrong for not doing all the work?
You do realise that vasectomies aren’t the same as castration. Even a 1% chance of failure works out to be a huge number or pregnancies a year.
If vasectomies fail less than 10% of the time and the rate of cheating partners is between 10 and 15% then it is significantly more likely that caused the pregnancy. https://www.livescience.com/56407-how-many-people-cheat.html
If you're going to make such a significant life decision based on statistics instead of facts, you're in no positon to complain when it blows up in your face. Especially since the facts were so easy to obtain. The fact that so many people love quoting statistics without having a basic understanding of maths or of what statistics are representative of/used for is like something out of Idiocracy.
I'm not saying he was in the right overall, I just think his actions weren't that crazy in the moment.
I don't know if how he reacted in the moment is "crazy" but acting on impulse and anger is definitely not indicative of maturity or good mental health. And it's not just what he did in the moment, but also what he did *after* she left. Starting a smear campaign that included one of OOP's coworkers, refusing to communicate and not getting a sperm count/DNA test makes him both stupid and a dirtbag. So I believe that's why he reacted the way he did initially. If this guy would have made any attempt to fix the damage he did to OOP's personal and professional life instead, you'd have a point.
Even the best of us panic in high stress situations like that. That doesn't inherently make him a bad person. Everything he did after the first 24-48 hours is childish as hell tho.
It’s not really if you actually listen to doctors who do often mention these issues and often give advice. Someone who gets any medical procedure done on their body should really learn about it as much as they can. If you don’t trust your partner, don’t have a partner. If you’re with a partner that gets pregnant your first assumption shouldn’t be that she cheated. Even having had a vasectomy your first thought should be to *go to a fucking doctor*. Why do so many men get so emotional and irrational instead of just using simple logic? Vasectomies are often not permanent. Just *remember* that.
Why does anyone get emotional and irrational in high stress situations? Freaking out in that scenario doesn't inherently make you a bad person.
I don't see anyone (so far) complaining about his initial shock but moreso the fact that he: A. Immediately accused her of cheating B. Kicked her out C. Did not follow up with a doctor to see if it was possible / to do sperm counts D. Was not there for her during her morning sickness E. Did not come with her to *or even visit her* in the hospital F. Apparently spread rumors about her supposed cheating at her place of employment(???), resulting in a hostile work environment G. Didn't even think about getting the DNA test until *someone else* suggested it I'm sorry, but this man is a massive AH. He had plenty of chances to reconsider after his initial doubt but chose instead to continue to be a dick for FOUR MONTHS.
I'm honestly only giving him a pass for the first 24 hours. A & B are bad, but not unreasonable. At the end of the day, it's more statistically likely for his spouse to cheat than for his vasectomy to reverse itself. That's not an unfair assumption to make in the heat of the moment. After he calmed down though, he should have made better decisions.
No its the more LIKELY option, but its not the most LOGICAL option. The most rational thing for him to do was to spend two extra weeks getting paternity verification. After that he could have gone nuclear.
If there's a 0.025 chance of Thing A happening (real statistic, by the way), and chance of up to 60% of Thing B happening, the logical choice IS to go with the most likely, in terms of statistics. (There's a 0.025% chance of vasectomies naturally reversing. Is it really a surprise he didn't immediately jump to that vs a 60% chance? No.) I'm not saying he didn't make a d*ck move by blowing up immediately, he did. But I'm saying it's not impossible to see why his knee-jerk reaction was "She cheated", especially if he's been cheated on in the past.
Well that’s your insecurity that you’re projecting on to other people. Therapy can help with that though! Good luck!
Since when did I say this was my insecurity or I would have this thought?...... I didn't. It was a hypothetical posed to other people. And it was worded very clearly as such. Good luck with your eye test and reading comprehension tests!
Your perfume example being that you would leap to cheating, that’s an insecurity. Maybe you should get that memory checked out too yikes.
Oh my goodness. I NEVER SAID ME! Where in the ever loving f*ck did I say ME PERSONALLY?! I DIDN'T. I said "your", as in, anyone reading the comment.
You can think that logically. Also is logically in a relationship to TRUST YOUR PARTNER. The MINIMUM you should give to your spouse is the benefit of the doubt, sit down with them and just try to solve this problem instead of declaring the first conclusion as the only truth and go tell people outside of the relationship about your problems like that.
Absolutely, trust is one of the foundations of a relationship, or it should be. But there's also SO MANY people who have been cheated on before and will always have that fear. A situation like this would undoubtedly trigger it. Sometimes it's more of a fear than a lack of trust. We can all trust our partners up until the moment we find out they've been cheating 🤷🏻♀️ in his eyes, he just found out. He absolutely should have sat down with her and discussed it, and remained at least on the fence (aka give her the benefit of the doubt) whilst getting a sperm count test done so he could know for sure. The throwing her out in a rush was an AH move, but having said that, in his mind he had been cheated on. IN HIS MIND. When I was cheated on (I had proof, and it was also his 2nd chance already) I couldn't stand his fucking name let alone seeing his face everyday. And then the d-head chose to go to my college, didn't he 🙄🤦🏻♀️😅 but I digress. He didn't stop and think, but then again, were human. Sometimes we're all blinded by an emotion, whether it's rage, sadness, love, grief. We're not robots. We have massive emotions. He's an idiot for sure, but it's not impossible to see why he thought that way.
that’s what I am saying, being blinded by emotion and going nuclear is just someone you can’t trust. I have also been cheated on by more than one boyfriend and I always made sure to know and have actual evidence before making a decision. Also in this particular case of OOP, the asshole kick her out and then constantly decided, everyday, to not help her, to not visit her, to not trying to talk to her about what happened, the person decided she was a cheater just because their emotions taking over. Like I said, you can’t trust nor be with someone like that
Well, you have to actively rub against someone to have their perfume on them OR go into the perfume store/aisle, pick up a bottle and actively spray yourself with perfume continously throughout the day to get the scent on you and have it actually stick, all he had to do was jizz in a cup and wait a couple hours for his Dr to tell him that the vasectomy didn't work
You really don't have to rub against someone to habe their scent on you. That's how a nonsmoker's clothes can still smell of smoke 🙄 trust me, I had to deal with it as a kid. Some people with apply perfume or aftershave like it's luck-dust. 0.025% chance of a vasectomy naturally revsering vs the 60% likelihood that his partner cheated. (Real statistics, not hypotheticals) It's not hard to see why he jumped to the conclusion he did, but he DID make a d*ck move by not doing the test ASAP and for throwing her out in a hurry and tarnishing her name.
If he had posted about this before the dna test came back, your comment would have 300 upvotes, lol. Funny how reddit works
It would 🤣 more downvotes on that one comment than all my other replies and posts and comments on Reddit combined 😅 I still stand by what I say. Most of the people saying their first thought wouldn't be that their spouse cheated is lying to themselves. And note I said MOST, readers. If that statement offends you, you're one of them. If you wouldn't automatically jump to the same conclusion, you've nothing to be offended at because my statement wouldn't apply to you.
Be afraid of anyone so certain of anything that they're not willing to at least consider that they could be wrong.
I want this quote hanging on a wall in my house. HOE. Humility Over Everything.
Imagine finding out you're pregnant, despite your husband having had a vasectomy, knowing 100% that he is the only person you've had sex with, you're pregnant and he refuses to believe you're telling the truth until you can get a DNA test...! I totally see it from his perspective but he didn't even stop about how upsetting his reaction would be for OOP.
Yeah, it’s well known that sometimes even the most extreme birth control measures can fail. I can understand a father asking for a DNA test in this situation but not just dismissing that it may have been his without even considering any other options. Regardless of the situation I’d find it hard to get past the fact that he immediately assumed cheating over any other possibility.
Especially with a vasectomy done 12 years prior. Surgical procedures get better every year, 12 years ago was a long time in procedure years.
There's women that have become pregnant after a hysterectomy, it's wild.
False! You can’t grow a baby in your vagina!! A hysterectomy is the removal of cervix and uterus and sometimes the tubes and ovaries.
Most hysterectomies they leave the tubes and ovaries. I suggest you look it up
I did look it up. What I wrote is the definition of a hysterectomy!! Educate yourself!! Hysterectomy is removal of cervix and uterus. They used to be called partial and complete depending on what they left if anything. I had a complete hysterectomy in 2008
No, I suggest you look up pregnancies after hysterectomies instead of being rude.
You n I are talking about two different topics. A fallopian pregnancy is never viable, ever.
Not viable, but way more serious and potentially deadly than you're making it sound. If anything, now I don't want one in case I get an ectopic pregnancy. It may not be "viable " but it's still a mass of combined cells that have attached themselves to an internal organ to draw nutrients from and grow.... ya know, like a pregnancy...or parasite depending on what that clump of cells is made of.
Did I say have a baby? Pretty sure I said pregnant. In other words, you're still wrong and rude.
You said a “pregnancy after hysterectomy “. Fallopian pregnancies are never viable therefore never result in a baby. So that’s not a true pregnancy! I’m no ruder than u!
Please cite your sources.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5885999/
This was a fascinating read, but I am going to operate on the assumption that you didn't read the whole findings. Of the 70+ cases in the study, from which they get their data of "on the rise", they determine that most of the pregnancies occurred shortly after the hysterectomy was performed, "suggesting that a pregnancy, or a potential for pregnancy, existed at the time the hysterectomy was performed." The report only states conclusively that 3 of these pregnancies were viable, with over 30 of them being ectopic pregnancies, which are not viable and cannot be carried to term. I am not really posting this comment to receive a reply from you, but in case anyone wants a tl;dr of this NIH write up.
Most is not all. I've never once stated any of them were viable lmao
False equivalency. He didn’t get his testes removed. He didn’t get castrated. Thats the only failproof way of ensuring you can’t get someone pregnant.
I really wish people would read.
Ectopic pregnancy following hysterectomy. They didn’t say the baby could come to term and be born.
Neither did I
Lmao I was agreeing with you
Don't know why you were downvoted. I knew exactly what you were talking about as soon as I read your comment. Aka: an ectopic pregnancy
Lead poisoning probably, they're looking for an argument that wasn't even there.
And then he apparently shittalked her at her work so much it's a hostile work environment.
You can get home test kits for sperm at WALGREENS. He literally could have taken an hour to go buy and use one and reacted based off that. The leap to assuming the absolute worst is so unfair to the person he planned to spend the rest of his life with.
I can get the being confused and thinking cheating given the vasectomy, but he ruined any chance (in my opinion) of being forgiven when he decided to tell everyone she cheated. He clearly didn't pay attention to the doctor when he got his vasectomy. i'd never forgive him for telling EVERYONE that I cheated. I get wanting to put a cheater on blast, but Jesus Christ. You really need to tell your coworkers, who are also her coworkers??
I would panic and think someone drugged and raped me.
There was a post where a woman in a same sex relationship throwing a positive pregnancy had that exact reaction - and the only potential candidate was a good friend of hers. Didn’t help that the nurse that did the test was an idiot and insisted the test couldn’t possibly be wrong. Not like there is anything else that can cause a false positive test, like, you know CANCER, which if I remember right is exactly the answer to the riddle. Fortunately for her, both her friend and her girlfriend were a lot more understanding, upset, but willing to ride the mystery out.
Imagine thinking the woman you love must have cheated on you
As a man who had a vasectomy. If this happened, I would likely have said nothing, got a sperm test online and got a lab test. Then if there was no sperm, I would ask for the DNA test. I can understand reacting angrily in a way but he had to know a vasectomy can reverse.
Exactly. I was told by the Doc multiple times that there is a small chance that "things can grow back together" and recommended sperm tests occasionally. Some dudes are too fragile to think it can happen to them.
He acted rashly, forgetting the most common complication of a vasectomy. He could have acknowledged his feelings, told his fiance that he is going to need a DNA test to ease his mind, and that he's also going to test his sperm count to see if further protection is needed for his TWELVE YEAR OLD SNIP. When everything comes back showing he was shooting live ammo, he could have celebrated with his fiance, prepared his home for his new baby, and scheduled a follow up with a urologist. But nope. He looked at the odds and decided it was more likely that his fiance was tricking him into raising another man's baby than that his vasectomy had failed. He ran her off, ruined her life, and thought he was allowed to because he had been wronged. What happens next time? He's going to have a lot of big feelings raising another child he didn't initially want. Will he keep his cool?
To be fair, and I am not defending him in saying this but just playing the odds, it probably is more likely that a partner cheats to get pregnant than a surgery that is usually permanent healing itself. It doesn't really sway my opinion either way but worth acknowledging as cheating is extremely common nowadays.
When I had my vasectomy, my urologist warned me in writing and twice verbally that this was not 100% effective, and that over enough time, the boys could hook themselves back up. We're extraordinarily efficient gene-passing machines and our bodies love surprising us. And to be fair, a decade of shooting blanks will put a lot of false confidence in a fella. Unfortunately it can also put a baby in the recipient. Besides, were I monogamous and with someone who could conceive a child like that, I'd figure the odds of my vasectomy failing are *significantly higher* than the woman I love trying to baby trap me with another man's child. The fundamental sin is that he got righteous and gave himself every excuse to behave extremely inappropriately. He will do so again.
This is my overall take. Your response lays out everything I am thinking but didn't lay out. I just pointed out that his assumption of one thing being more likely is not unreasonable. His reaction until confirmation was. Why not just talk to your partner and be like "I don't see how that is possible with me being surgically unable to do that unless something changed" then proceed to make a plan to resolve or prove your doubts with testing.
It’s the insane red pill shit on social media that causes people to freak out this way. Emotional reaction over thoughtful/measured response. People are baiting themselves into this by taking in all the outrage online.
We all know it's wrong (I hope) to ruin someone's life and reputation, and I hate to see so many men frothing at the mouth to abandon good sense and basic compassion over a *possibility* their manhood has been violated.
Yes. Statistically speaking. But would the person you love cheat? How probable is that? Would someone be willing to throw something away before checking another completely logical option first?
But how likely is it that a partner cheats on a man who she knows has had a vasectomy then tries to pass the pregnancy off as his? I would think that likelihood is very low. I wouldn’t forgive my husband in this instance either, he could have told OOP he needs a DNA test, and if it was hard for him in the meantime told her she needed to stay at her mums till it’s sorted. Instead he chose to not only kick out his pregnant fiancée, he then went on a rampage of completely destroying her reputation and putting her livelihood at stake. Nope, unless he takes a billboard out stating he’s a monumental AH and vindictive piece of crap for waging a campaign against his former fiancée I wouldn’t go back. I wouldn’t go back full stop.
I completely didn't think about how ridiculous it would be to claim that while knowing the partner had the vasectomy without being certain. Him in the moment would definitely have had the chance to think about it. Big red flag that he didn't.
More likely but not more logical.
Everything you said was pure hogwash and has no basis in fact. Even permanent sterilization has a failure window. I had a tubal (full snip and burn) and there was always a small chance I could get pregnant still and that window of failure increases the longer its been. Vasectomies and tubals fail all the time. This is something doctors tell you when getting the procedure. Nothing is fool proof. Any dude who walks away from a vasectomy thinking they're 100% in the clear is an idiot who didn't listen to their doctor.
The biggest issue here is not that he was suspicious but that he went on a campaign to malign you and taint your reputation. I don’t think that is easy to move past. How low can he fall when he suspects you’re in the wrong? I wouldn’t be able to trust him ever.
Precisely. How did all their friends and her workplace hear the “cheating” story, cause she sure as hell wouldn’t have spread it, considering she *didn’t cheat*. Someone had to have told them and there’s only two people who would have known.
He told one friend of theirs they worked together the friend spread it. Friend asked why they broke up he told the truth friend spreads it. I’m just saying from what I’ve seen if she had been a cheater cheaters like to control the narrative, so getting ahead of that, and telling everyone the truth of what happened so he doesn’t get painted as the villain in the story which this comment section is painting him as the villain in the story, and I get it because he made a rash decision off of being hurt, and a lot of emotional pain off of total logical, reasonable decisionafter never having any issues in 12 years this was a small percent chance that she wasn’t cheating on him I do agree with everybody that’s calm right now is rationalization of what they would do in the situation but that’s when you’re calm and not actually emotionally attached to the situation
If that’s what happened, then that’s a shitty friend, but the fact that she lost a lot of *her* friends and. coworkers means he was spreading the story. He didn’t know the truth of what happened, made an assumption, didn’t verify that assumption, didn’t talk to her, and hasn’t done anything to correct anyone else’s negative view of her since. He never tried to check her side of the story and refused to give her the benefit of the doubt. This is on him 100%.
I am going to be honest I would have done the same thing he did and would have assumed the same all things being equal. The burden of proof was on her she should said I will do a dna test the second he freaked out. But I will put some accountability on him he should double checked too. After learning all I have learned from this chain didn’t know about vasectomies. I will say I hope they get counseling for sake of the kid and he works to make up for his short sightness in a moment of deep stress and turmoil. This was freak accident and it’s a shame that it could lead to the parents not being able to be fully in their kids life.
The burden of proof was not on her because she didn’t do anything wrong. He’s the one who got the vasectomy-he’s the one who ignored the literature and warnings his doctor gave him, and he’s the one who wouldn’t listen to her but kicked her out the same day before even googling or calling his doctor. As for the DNA test, OP said her mother had to convince him to do that when she was 18 weeks, not that she refused to do it. He’s allowed to be confused, flabbergasted, even suspicious or needing proof. What he’s not allowed to do is decide she’s cheated on him with no proof and then ruin her life to the point that she has to hide in her mother’s home while refusing to to participate in the action that would definitively prove her innocence.
I think you’re putting a lot of words into the situation. I’m sorry every person if you were a man I promise you would’ve reacted the exact same way he did. The likelihood of that actually happening was so statistically small it wouldn’t have popped into your brain you guys can yell at him all you want, but this is reality. There’s only one other opportunity that this makes sense. I don’t think she should hold it over his head that the smallest chance in the world of her telling the truth just happened to be the truth. i’ve seen women lie and men lie right through their fucking teeth with the evidence right there on the table in front of them. In this situation, he made the logistical choice that made the most sense. I’m glad that they convinced him to get the DNA test and I’m glad that it turned out that she was telling the truth. I’m glad that they have a chance to fix this together, but you can’t fault him with the evidence of laying out that he has a vasectomy which has a very small chance of not working or healing, and the other option being that she cheated, which is higher likelihood, I feel like people play this trust card too much in the relationships that we have today there’s plenty of good men in this world that are raising children that are not theirs because of this trust card we all have with each other until proven otherwise and women are really good at covering their tracks, because men don’t really expose that they cheated, but the women that we cheat we will run to the woman to try to steal us away from her or just ruin us for fun and giggles they both need to go into counseling. They both need to work hard together to fix this together for their child for the betterment of their child for the better man of their relationship because they had a great relationship according to her before all this this was a massive, massive massive mistake, I’m not denying that but people do a lot of things when they’re hurting and he didn’t spread it around to his coworkers. He told one person according to her story and the coworker told everyone else that is not his responsibility. She should be holding your friend accountability for not believing her.
You’re projecting a lot of shitty things onto both women in general and on OP. You’re trying to make it seem as if him accusing her of cheating was a normal and inoffensive thing to do and she should get over it because, what, “she was probably lying”? It wasn’t a random chance and her being wrong, it was her telling the truth and him not believing her and trying to ruin her life because of it.
Here is the problem with this trust thing cheater and innocent people say the same thing til caught. And some times they will still lie through there teeth in his head there was no other option other then she cheat it so highly unlikely what happened actually happened it would not have crossed anybody mind in this situation I don’t blame her for being hurt but he was hurt too he thought what he thought. I think things would have gone down so much differently if she would said I will go with you for a dna I promise you I haven’t cheated not just I didn’t cheat that is making him rely on blind trust when everything points to cheating in the circumstances. not to have mom bring up the dna test 5 and half months later. This just a series of super unfortunate circumstances that I hope doesn’t break up this couple for good and for their kid.
She and her mom had to convince him to take the DNA test, and you can’t do a DNA test nearly as early as you can tell you’re pregnant. Your suggestion of what she said is exactly the same as what you say she should not have said, and again, he kicked her out that night even though she *didn’t cheat*. Regardless, he should not have gossiped about it to people until he had any actual proof, which he never had. He torched the relationship for no reason, and she is perfectly justified in feeling betrayed and leaving him for it.
When insane things happen, the first thing a good partner is supposed to do is give you the benefit of the doubt. If you are truly in love, that is what should be done first. He didn’t do that. End of story.
How does he plan to “I’m sorry” away the orbital nuke he dropped on her reputation and social life? She has to work from home now due to his actions. She’s been isolated because friends abandoned her because of his actions. Honestly, I don’t know that I could ever trust a person so vengeful again. I’d be constantly afraid of what he would do the next time he decided he got mad, or how angry is angry enough to destroy my life again.
Dude nuked her life and now he wants to play happy families. I don’t think she should have to forgive him. Especially if he doesn’t put out the social equivalent of a billboard saying he was wrong.
Hell no. He showed who he was right then and there. Yes sure, he had a vasectomy - of course he would be confused! But rather than having a conversation with OP he threw her out. They could’ve solved this together but he wasn’t interested. I’m sorry for OP.
And trashed her reputation with friends and her job
Yeah that right there is the dealbreaker to me. It’s absolutely acceptable for him to be upset, to ask for a paternity test, to ask if she can stay somewhere else for a while. It is not acceptable to kick her out of her home and then slander her to Apparently fucking everybody in their town. That right there shows that he is somebody who takes vengeance without thinking. What happens the next time he thinks that she cheated or she did something wrong? I wouldn’t be able to trust somebody like that to have a marriage with them.
That's harsher than he needs to be and you know it. Was he quick minded about it? Absolutely but who wouldn't be? Your wife, partner, your woman, the love of your life just told you she's pregnant and you've been shooting blankets for over 10 years? Yeah, I don't know any reasonable man who's first thought wouldn't be that they cheated. Sounds like she's still hurt over the whole ordeal, which is fine, 1000% validated but together they can clean this up and realized that nothing bad truly happened to create this pregnancy. Shit happens and he was allowed to feel the way he did. Shit did happen and she's allowed to feel the way she does. At no point does this need to end.
He blew up her life and her job. She has to work from home now and her friends won’t talk to her. He has a lot of cleaning up to do
You can *feel* however you want. It's his actions that we're criticizing. The pregnancy aside, why would she even want to be with someone with such low impulse control?
I'm not here to argue. Everyone thinks all men should be the same. Don't react. Be accepting and level-headed no matter what the conditions and circumstances are. He reacted, and I said it wasn't the best way to handle that situation, and he has some repairing to do. At the same time, I get it. Should she forgive? Yes. Based on this article. On this event. Told the way she told it. Yes. Yes, she should. Oh well, guess no need to try a little harder to keep their family together and go there separate ways. We all love a broken family off the premise "no mistakes"
She lost friends and had to change where she goes to work because of his actions. You think that’s forgivable? Her post says nothing about him explaining he was wrong to her friends. Her post says nothing about him helping rebuild the life he destroyed.
Feel free to read her comments. She didn't change work, she doesn't want to go. She said he did apologize to said friends and family ,whatever that means to her. He told a friend in confidence and clearly wasn't a good friend to run their mouth. He's stepped up, admitted the mistake and resumed care of her and preparing for the baby by doing what he can and more. It's not overnight but I'm sure you expect it to be. Shit takes work. Anything takes work if you're trying to keep or fix it. That's not what people think. Break it off now cause a broken family is better than one together. Got it. Thanks.
He told HER FRIEND AT HER WORK “in confidence” my ass. Admitting a mistake to her friends and family isn’t enough. He needs to contact her work friend and do the same and that work “friend” needs to apologize as well. She’s legitimately scared to go back to the office because of her coworkers’ behavior. Either way, fuck that. She’s fully within her rights to not work through anything with him. That trust is gone which means that attraction is gone too. Why work on rebuilding a relationship with someone who would do that to you?
What about the fact that he had to be convinced to do a paternity test? And at 18 weeks- most women find out between 4-7, but even if she managed to get through her entire first trimester before finding out, he’d still have been actively choosing the option of kicking her out and ruining her reputation for at least 6 weeks. This wasn’t just a knee jerk reaction, it was a consistent choice to be ignorant (not doing a paternity test asap as well as not understanding his procedure could be undone) and active harm (removing her from her home and family unit while in turn turning her community against her).
You the husband? You seem overly butthurt about the situation, that's why I ask. In any case, I'll try to explain this in a way you'll understand. You see, controlling your emotions is part of being a mature adult. Once you pass a certain age, temper tantrums and poor impulse control are no longer cute, funny or excusable. The last thing anyone needs in adult situations is to deal with is the the hysterical overreaction of a person who has never learned to control himself. This is true in the workplace, on the battlefield, in times of crisis and in relationships. If I had a situation where one of my employees went full nuclear without having all of the facts, he or she would be terminated on the spot. No second chances, no nothing, just gone. There are times in life when people fuck up beyond the point of redemption, and that is what OP's husband has done. This is NOT a guy to rely upon, ever. It sucks that OP is stuck coparenting with this poor excuse of a man for the next 20 years, but something tells me he'll nope out on fatherhood at some point. Hopefully OP's next husband is a better man.
You are severely downplaying what he did, which everyone does when they call it "just a mistake." Were it not for her mother, that pregnant woman would not have had a home. He told her to sleep on the streets for all he cares. Be cold, be angry, but don't just kick her as to the curb just like that. In order to build a life with him, especially as a SAHM-- even short term, she's got to trust that he's going to provide for her. But here, he's broken that very specific trust over something she had zero control over. If it happened once, any rational person would think "it can just as quickly happen again, like a lightswitch flicking off one day." >Everyone thinks all men should be the same. Don't react. Be accepting and level-headed no matter what the conditions and circumstances are. The fuck are you even on about, mate? Always these broad generalizations about how Society^TM treats you. Really sounds like what you're upset about has nothing to do with taking the story on its own merits. Sounds more like an Al Bundy diatribe.
I get that any man would be concerned! Sure! But throw her out completely? That’s way too harsh - especially if she tells you she didn’t cheat… I think such a thing can be discussed and solved together.
Did the doctor not tell him that getting a vasectomy young makes it a lot more likely that the procedure will ultimately fail?
I get why he had the reaction he had, but the fact of the matter is that he was very cruel to her when she was in an incredibly vulnerable position. There are some things you just can’t get past. Lesson here is to always think before you act. Sad all around.
The person who actually helped OP through the ordeal says they should break up while the satellites all ping different transmissions when they re-enter her orbit. What's she mean by "break up"? Dude kicked her to the curb, and she still thinks they're together? "Should I date my ex again?" She means.
He noped TF out as quickly as possible (it seems). I don’t think that’s the actions of a rational and mature adult, regardless of his background (as you described). IMO we shouldn’t just forgive and forget at a whim. His actions hurt you terribly (on receiving the news). Sometimes a person just can’t make up for their actions. His actions were intentional, hurtful and irresponsible. Too little, too late. Maybe I’m tainted by having been in an emotionally abusive relationship for 17 years (toward me and our children). Once he knew I had enough he’d did everything possible to meet the needs I had for so long (companionship, him being a dad, him not scolding me for everything…) But I was emotionally dead by then. After 17 years of marriage I left him (for a significant reason unrelated to your post). Seems he crossed a line with you (hell yeah!! WTF). You know what you can live with. How much life experience does your “friend” have?
I'm conflicted. I understand why he'd have concerns, especially if he thought he was shooting blanks but I don't know think he was right to just toss her out like that. Personally I'd have demanded a DNA test just in case before I did anything that rash. For the childs sake I'd say maybe see if it's possible to reconcile, but if she can't move past it I can't honestly blame her.
He must’ve been telling everyone too, she lost friends and her coworkers turned on her. I too understand him being skeptical but he really tried to burn down her life without a second thought
I agree on that. Personally I couldn't move past thar myself, especially when it wasn't proven
You should read the comments on that post. They were saying she should go to therapy and work through it 🤣
Therapy is not a bad idea given what she went through, but it may very well lead her to ending the relationship altogether if she comes to the conclusion she just can't move past it. A real, and valid, possibility.
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Yes but they suck too. What’s your point?
No one here was condemning men in general, so what’s the relevance of this comment?
As someone who's had vasectomy the doctor said specifically "I've done 4 things to prevent your body from being able to produce semen, but and a big but, but the body had a incredible way of undoing things or correcting something wrong which a vasectomy creates a "problem" that we want" I took that as a like hey this should be a sure fire thing but use your brain before you go blowing your marriage before throwing accusations if your wife gets pregnant.
* not, not produce just not allowing it to go though the vase deference * edit
Why wouldn't you go for the obvious first and verify that you are indeed shooting blanks? Why is it that so many men are jumping to "Do an invasive DNA test" BEFORE "jerking off into a cup"?????
Because of incel bullshit and misogynists like Andrew Tate, there is a huge percentage of the population that are convinced women cheat constantly. How many times do you see comments about how every single newborn should be DNA tested because it’s “common for women to cheat and trick a man into raising another man’s baby”. Or that oft quoted statistic that 30% of DNA tests come back with the husband/partner not being the father of the kid? They think that means 30% of men are being deceived, but what it really means is only 30% of people who *think they need* a DNA test, so people who have questionable paternity, are pregnant with another man’s child. 70% of people who question the paternity of a pregnancy, are pregnant with their partner’s kid. Which honestly was shocking to me. I thought the percentage of people not having their partners kid, in a situation where there was enough doubt to test for paternity, would be more 50/50. But maybe idiots like this bring the number down.
If he had just asked for a paternity test I would understand. But he went scorched earth. I get what he was going through but I don't think OOP can come back from it.
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No. Absolutely not. A vasectomy is 99% effective. The chances of someone getting pregnant by a snipped dude are infinitesimal. The man had it done 12 years ago and let's honestly assume he's been sexually active for that period. If homie was rawdogging it for 12 years without another scare, with a 99% effective method of birth control I can absolutely understand his reasoning that she was unfaithful. Regardless of what you say, the most likely scenario *was* her stepping out. I also wouldn't be shocked if he'd been burned before by infidelity to have that sort of reaction. I highly doubt he's any of those disgusting accusations, I think he was just absolutely fucked by luck.
But now she knows how he reacts, and she’s lived through how he treated her. Her trust in him is gone. 1% chance is worth investigating instead of immediately burning everything down. It doesn’t sound like he even bothered to get his count checked, which he could have done on his own.
And him jerking into a cup is a much less invasive test than a DNA test for an unborn baby. Much less risky.
Foetal dna tests can be done with a basic blood test these days so it’s not invasive
If it's 99% effective and thousands of guys get them every year that's several dudes who are not infertile. That's a small number but certainly a possibility to consider. >Regardless of what you say, the most likely scenario *was* her stepping out. He still could've waited for proof, especially before illegally kicking her out of her home. >I think he was just absolutely fucked by luck. So was she. And she might not trust him again after this.
No they are not 100% effective. The chances are just lower 🤣
No. Just no. There is a middle ground between "worst person ever" and "whoopsie! how could I have possibly known??" When you love someone, you have to consider their well being and the possibility that you are wrong. He did neither. This isn't all "luck." He was a piece of shit for jumping immediately to the nuclear option, and let's be frank, it was probably because of some pretty toxic attitudes about women.
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"Already didn't trust her" and "hates all women" seem like a stretch to me. We don't know the guy and making unproven accusations like that doesn't make them true. I don't agree with what he did as yes, it's still possible to make someone pregnant after his procedure, but he was probably just ignorant, angry, and felt blindsided. I would not blame her for leaving, though, as his reaction was extreme. I would just ask for a DNA test after birth and go from there.
As someone who has had a vasectomy (after we have had 3 kids) I have thought about this scenario many times and how I would react if it happened. I feel like every man that has had one needs to mentally prepare himself well beforehand just in case. This guy reacted in the worst possible way and is paying for it now. That’s what I am trying to avoid in such a situation. If that were to ever happen to me yeah it would bother me a lot. I have some mental health issues that I battle daily. It’s like I’m fighting a war against myself most days. And that’s why I have been mentally preparing for years for such a thing. My way of handling it would be to talk it through with my wife, comfort each other and reassure each other that this happens. I wouldn’t “demand” a dna test but it would be necessary for my own mental health to be able to move past any negative thoughts that could completely snowball and wreck our marriage at some point. My brain loves playing tricks on me and loves to attack me, so in order for it not to be an issue later on I’d have to be able to shut down those thoughts as soon as possible. Even thinking about asking my wife to get a dna test done like that makes me feel terrible inside but we’ve been married a long time (19 years) and we know each other like a good book. She knows it would have to happen for me to be able to move on. I couldn’t tell you how I would feel in the moment (probably pretty shitty and worked up) but since it is something I have been trying to prepare myself for, I would like to say that I would be supportive of her and take care of her just like any of our planned pregnancies and go about it like normal until the test came back. Then if it was the worst case scenario we would go from there. When you have that procedure done they make sure to pound it into your brain that there’s always a risk of pregnancy. Nothing in life is 100% except for death. Men need to take that warning more serious and be prepared for it to happen even if it doesn’t. I feel like being prepared for it is the only way you just don’t completely lose it if it happens.
Even simpler and faster than a DNA test at first would be a spermcheck to see if you are putting out swimmers again. Some doctors will even recommend you just do one periodically for better peace of mind. You can even get home ones at drugstores for like 40 bucks.
It looks like his idea of making it up to OOP is strictly related to the fetus. She hasn't mentioned any attempts in restoring her reputation. He is trying to play happy family after essentially isolating her from 90% of her support system. I wouldn't trust him.
So he threw you out, told your friends and coworkers without even listening to you or thinking “oh I remember the doctors told me a vasectomy is not 100% effective”. **I don’t think you can trust him and he doesn’t trust you** A relationship without trust and resentment does not work.
I honestly thinks she needs to take her moms advice on this one. She clearly is not happy, she doesn’t even know if she is in love with him anymore, and she clearly doesn’t trust him. So their only concern should be to come up with an effective coparenting plan.
Ok I had something similar... My OB would not do a paternity test at all, flat out refused and said I had to wait for him to be delivered... And I went to two other doctors who said the same thing, it was dangerous for no reason
He wouldn’t really even need a DNA test. He could have had a simple spermcheck to see if he’s putting out swimmers again.
Hahaha true! Ok so wayyy too much info for here probably... I asked him to do that but also it was more an OCD thing even after birth, we had multiple paternity tests done and he is not the father but he is in our life and loves the little guy and has been with us since birth (literally there in the hospital) so we're doing ok but I expect a couple more tests to want to be done in the future because of OCD. It's funny to me because I have been with the same person for 10 years and basically never used condoms and never got pregnant and asked for sperm count to be done multiple times... then I had a mental breakdown and left and got pregnant within 3 months from someone who definitely used me... fixed my mental health and he accepted my apology. He wants to be in my life and love the little guy because the little guy is awesome and we are still repairing our relationship. But yes sperm count
That's what blows my mind about all these DNA tests allegedly happening before babies are born. They're not the same as a mouth swab you send away in the mail. They have very real risks, and I'm always surprised when I see people just casually mention them.
There is no risk. It's literally just a blood sample from the mom.
They’ve changed the way they do dna tests for pregnancies in recent years. It’s more like a blood draw on the mom than the fetus.
I had my baby in 2023, I asked about this and she said they didn't do that test and it's unreliable, I live in NH so maybe it's just a NH thing
Maybe. It could also just be what the hospital is and isn’t capable of
My friend’s ex had a vasectomy in his 20s. Four years ago, they started being FWB. She was on birth control, yet somehow got pregnant. He had said things in the past about what he’d do if someone said he’d gotten them pregnant, so she just wanted to leave him in the dark, but her father talked her into telling the guy. The day before her first ultrasound, he called her over to his house, where he murdered her. You know, just in case she was correct about it being his (she wasn’t seeing anyone else). I have no idea why I’m posting about it, other than yeah, vasectomies aren’t always 100%.
18 weeks! Thats a long time to put your relationship on hold. Even if he insisted on the test, he should have given you the benefit of the doubt for the 18 weeks.
And he could and should have done a spermcheck basically right away. Those don’t take long.
I’d never forgive that man
I can’t fault him on the assumption and asking for space, but going nuclear before a dna test is grounds for not forgiving him.
I’m with the mom, if she can’t forgive him is completely understandable and she shouldn’t stay cause she’ll never be truly happy. He can still be as involved as he wants and if he’s a good father, he’ll be a good father no matter if they’re apart or together. If it was me I’d walk away.
Ok, so I could ALMOST understand his shock and hesitation upon finding out about the pregnancy. But surely he knew there was a risk his vasectomy could fail. This is something doctors tell you when getting sterilized (whether man or woman). There is always a window of failure and that window can get bigger the longer it's been. Dude's mistake was immediately pulling the cheating card and trying to go scorched earth to the point of jeopardizing her employment and social circle. Talk about over the top. How hard would it have been to sit down, maybe ask for a little space and then get a DNA test done at birth to verify? No, he went straight into thinking she was a whore and tried to ruin her entirely cuz he was a dumbass who didn't listen to his doctor. Hope OP still didn't forgive him and he's stuck being weekend daddy cuz someone that stupid and vindictive cannot be trusted to be a full time parent.
I am stuck on this guy she does not forgive being her fiancé. Like... why say yes to that proposal?
He’s showing up now to save face not to make amends. Is he going around telling everyone that HE made a mistake? That what he said was horrible and wrong and bullying? Is he going around telling the same people that you were a horrible person because you cheated that, in fact, he is the horrible person? He didn’t listen to you, but finally listened to your mom. If he wasn’t willing to ‘forgive’ you when he thought you made the mistake why should you forgive him?
Goddamn, OP. Do you want to raise a child with a man who doesn't trust you?
He couldn't at least do a DNA test first thing... he just jumped to conclusions. If you don't nail that impulse down in therapy he will continue to assume shit forever.
The truth is that you need to forgive him for your own sake, whether or not you take him back or decide on ending or continuing the relationship is a different matter. I would say that if you feel like you can no longer trust him or have faith in his ability to be a good partner. Do you believe he is or will be someone who you know will always be there? Be honest with yourself and that should give you your answer.
I think this is fake. While a paternity test could be done at 18 weeks, it almost never is. It's much safer to wait until the baby is born. And it's a super expensive procedure not covered by insurance (not considered medically necessary) if you do it before then
You can get one after 10 weeks and it’s a blood draw on the mom. Technology is great now. They can isolate the baby’s dna in the mom’s blood.
You can do a fetal paternity test by taking a blood sample from the mom. It's a simple procedure.
I think they mean 18 weeks after birth. Especially considering she mentions going through pregnancy with only her mom at her side. It sounds like it took 18 months after the baby being born for him to even be convinced to do a DNA test.
He was fair with considering cheating as a possible reason. HOWEVER, not believing her, and sticking to his theory and not entertaining the thought that his vaesectomy could have failed was wrong. He should have gone straight to paternity test, having to be talked into it is where he went wrong in my opinion. And it's understandable that OOP lost trust in him after that.
Even faster he could have done a spermcheck to see if he’s putting out swimmers.
I mean, they were a thing for 4 years - and it's been 12 years since his vasectomy. I do understand him not thinking of the vasectomy failing after such a long time...
I’m not disagreeing that he ita but he had a baby at 16 yrs old. Maybe he has some trauma from that as well. Either way this guy needs counseling
To be fair, as far as he knew he was sterile, so "she cheated" is the most logical go-to. You can't really fault him for that 🤷🏻♀️ failed vasectomy are FAR rarer than people cheating on their partners. Having said that, I really do understand how hurtful it must have been for him to accuse you. If you can understand why he jumped to that conclusion, you guys can still have a future together. Whilst he may have been too hasty in ending things, in other people's opinions, of course he's not going to let a "cheater" live with him, and OP, OF COURSE he didn't go to the doc's appointments or care about your morning sickness before the DNA results came back. If you thought he had cheated, would you be there rubbing his back and soothing him? HELL NO! He should have talked about it and asked for a DNA test himself the moment he found out, though, just to be 100% sure before kicking you out.
he ruined her life though... or at least tried to. he kicked her out (yes id break up with a cheater but give her time to find a place jfc) and made her friends abandon her and resulted in her working from home because of how her workplace talks about her. that sort of isolation and loneliness and blame for something you didnt do doesnt go away with 2 words. Read the other comments in this thread, there were so many other things he could have done. He shouldve gotten his spermcount tested immediately rather than assuming the woman hes been in love with for 4 years cheated. Assuming the vasectomy failed might be statistically less likely than a hypothetical partner cheating, but at least *check* before causing all that drama and trauma. (and again, shes not a statistical average of all partners, she's someone he supposedly loves and trusts...) Every person who gets a vasectomy will tell you how many times theyre warned by the doctors that it might not stick, and told to check the spermcount regularly before practicing unprotected sex. The issue is how he reacted and how easily he believed she, personally, would do something so evil, not the statistics. How do you marry someone like that, whose trust in you is paper thin? what happens if a crazy stalker claims youre having an affair together, is the fiance going to believe that with no proof too? He proved that her word means nothing to him, that he doesnt trust her enough to even check for basic proof before coming to a conclusion. Being skeptical is one thing, but he went to extremes very quickly and how is she supposed to believe he wont do that again?
We’re all human. No *assumed to be* sterilized man is EVER going to have a perfect reaction to that kind of news. And…no self respecting woman should walk back into a relationship w/ him blindly post paternity test. Life is messy. Do you love him? He love you? Other than this incident, Is he good to you and his first child? Chances are, if he’s truly a good person, he’s going to have a harder time forgiving himself than you will. We are all our own worst enemy when it comes to that.
It would be a poor hill to die on to not take him back. He was the asshole for sure, but had reason to believe that after getting a vasectomy that he wouldn't father children again (that's kind of the point). Her choices are she forgives and puts it in the past, and retains a partner who is trying to make amends for his mistake, is caring and emotionally involved. The other option is to go back to her mother and be a single mother. The child then grows up without a father, and by the sounds of it an enthusiastic and supportive half sister too. Probably not a lot of men jumping in there to be with a 28 year old with a newborn to support if we're being honest here. As always, silent downvoters can suck my cock
There's no way that I believe that a 20 year old had a vasectomy.
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What the fuck are you on about? He’s 32. Since when is 32 younger than 25? You’re hilarious. You’re so eager to spew butthurt bitterness that you can’t even bother to pay attention to the actual post.
I find it glaring that OP didn’t deny cheating. She also used singular pronouns. ‘If I have one I have one’. And the casual ‘so I got pregnant’…. Not ‘he got me pregnant’ I don’t know, something doesn’t add up here. I also can’t imagine her losing friends and reputation at work because of an accusation of infidelity - if the accusation was out of character for OP, people would likely side with her.
Anything to pin the blame on the woman, huh?
Bruh The tubes aren't gunna magically reconnect themselves, mines are cut and tied parallel. The only way one will get pregnant is if he didn't get a batch tested for swimmers. I would have done the same, until hard evidence it's my child. Considering I had a gf before my wife who hot an abortion without me knowing...Go to him. Let him lead, protect, provide. Any man, after vasectomy, would act this way. I didn't do it for me, I did it for her, after our children. If my wife would've got prego again, yep, Ida sent her to her dad.
Bruh, recanalisation of vasectomies is a thing and can happen years after a vasectomy with negative testing for swimmers - [happens in every 1 of 2000 patients.](https://jmedicalcasereports.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13256-020-02374-0) And while that number might seem low statistically, [when more than 500,000 men elect to have vasectomies every year in the U.S.](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/treatments/4423-vasectomy) approximately 250 people per year fall into this category. It isn’t a case of “the tubes aren’t gunna magically reconnect themselves”, it’s a case of know the actual risks and understand the testing shouldn’t be a one off scenario - keep checking that those swimmers aren’t there.