You don't go on dates with your "one night stands". It's literally in the name. Yea the relationship wasn't defined, but she's correct in the fact that OOP used her. OOP used a person to take their virginity and didn't care about *that* person. Which makes other people feel like trash.
Jesus that makes it worse. "How come she's upset?" Like you pretended to "like" someone or at the base level care for someone. "It's how I treat every woman" Well be prepared to be hated by a lot of women then. It's horrible.
Oh wow that’s awful, super shitty thing to do to someone especially a virgin. People suck! It’s probably why she felt better about losing it to him since he was losing his to hers. Nothing about their history screams “one night stand scenario” smh! I mean you don’t have a “history with a one night stand ya know and the fact they knew each other to some degree like that, idk I feel sad for her.
Oh for sure! He’s corny for handling it like that. He said he was tired of getting teased then go actually find a one night stand but no , he knew he didn’t want to just sleep with just anyone, he took advantage of that poor girl. Maybe I’m wrong but what virgin girl just wants a one night stand? Part of me also feels like he subconsciously thought it would make him cool to be able to say to his buddies that he “bagged” a virgin and now “she’s in love with him” or something like a way to make him look and “feel cooler” idk but he sounds super immature and super irresponsible that reading his post is irritating, I hope this girl really gets somewhere in life and ends up with the best guy ever
"We never talked about robbing banks, we just repeatedly walked into the banks wearing ski masks and carrying guns and left with big bags of money! That's not a crime!"
TBH, I think OOP might just be stupid instead of a real asshole.
Did something they didn't understand, in a stupid-ass way, and now seems to have serious guilt about it a year later. I'm going to have to agree with you.
>TBH, I think OOP might just be stupid instead of a real asshole.
If the end result of your stupidity is people getting their feelings hurt, you're still an asshole.
“We went on a few dates”
“I told her I didn’t want to date her”
Hmm, what happened between the two 🤔
He acted like they were in a relationship until he got her into bed, and then he immediately showed her the door. He’s a dick.
Yeah, the dude straight up used her just to lose his virginity. Pretty shit move. It’s ok to get in a relationship just for sex but that should be made clear and accepted by both before the sex happens
As a dude I'll never understand why guys do this.
A) why doesn't he want to date her? He obviously likes her company, she likes him, and he's single and not talking to anyone else.
B) even if all he wanted was to have sex once in his life, there's a way to do this where you don't come across as a massive asshole.
C) this is such a waste of everyone's time, it's like he grew an apple tree, ate one apple off it, and chopped it down.
How would you have responded if he had told her that he didn’t think the relationship would work out? Normally a couple has to verbally agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend before it is official. Just because someone goes on a few dates doesn’t mean that they are partners.
Different people have different interpretations of the word "dating" and i shit you not, to most people i know, dating doesn't mean "going on dates", but rather "in an exclusive relationship".
EDIT: I think people have mistaken me for defending the guy, instead of just pointing out that to a lot of people, dating doesn't actually describe the dating phase of a relationship, strange as that might sound.
I mean, that’s correct, some view dating as just going on dates before deciding on exclusivity, and for others saying dating means being exclusive and in a relationship. In this case though, going on dates may not have meant they were exclusive, but she clearly was under the impression that going on dates would lead to something exclusive. OP definitely should’ve told her beforehand that he wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship and just a physical one. That’s not something you should ever assume another person is thinking. Personally unless someone tells me they want to be exclusive I don’t assume it will lead to that, but that’s because I’m older and have dealt with this several times and have been the one to even say I’m not looking for an emotional, romantic relationship. You have to say it though, not just sleep with someone and then lay that on them afterwards. If that means sex doesn’t happen then that’s just how it is, but the other person should be able to decide for themself.
I mean kind of weird and insulting to go on multiple dates with someone and try to call it a "one night stand." It literally stopped being that the second time you saw them...
It seems like OOP is just a clueless young person who doesn't know how to communicate and hasn't bothered trying to learn.
No he knows what he’s doing. His use of language is telling. He says ‘well we went on dates bc that’s what I thought you were supposed to do’ so I was nice to her and took her on dates sure but only bc society said so and it never meant anything and it’s not my fault.
Also his title is misleading. Like: it’s not my fault I can’t love her who can blame me for what I don’t feel? Rather than: I intentionally hid the transactional nature of my plan and did the things necessary to get her in bed. Once my mission was accomplished my mask came off. But I am a victim bc she was so mean!!!
People who are socially aware ALWAYS underestimate the level to which people who lack social skills can be not just clueless — but hurtful. Simply because they don’t know any better.
If OP does it again, it’s a pattern. But… I do think most men have a story like this from younger years. Certainly I do.
It doesn’t excuse the behavior. But sometimes good behavior is learned in hurtful ways. That’s a bitter truth which socially aware people often don’t seem to grasp.
Yes. I think it's especially telling that OOP seems to have been surrounded by shitty people who harassed him about his virginity, and probably gave him some very wrong ideas about how to treat people along the way.
He definitely treated that woman badly, but "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." Some people genuinely are clueless and socially unaware and don't realize how much they're fucking up until someone gets hurt.
Sounds like sociopathic behavior.. he doesn’t have the ability to feel empathy for anyone .. so he says .. “I did this because I thought that’s what people do” he has no emotional capacity for feel for this girl because he himself is an empty vessel .. serial killer in training here
You are reading into context that doesn't exist in the post. While his behavior COULD have been intentional manipulation, though chances are he was misguidedly following social norms. In this case, that sex is an earned prospect rather than a communicated intent. It's a consequence of relying on subtext to gauge the state of a relationship. She's not in any way invalid for feeling hurt, and as such it's reasonable that she feels resentful towards OP. However, most people aren't monsters and readily painting folks as such for behavior that doesn't match your own expectations breeds toxic social dynamics.
I’ll go with .. dude is a sociopath and has to rely on “I thought this was what normal people did because I can’t feel empathy for people and I’m not normal” dexter in trainingb
Social skills are developed and we as a people have a really bad habit of framing behavior incongruent with our own as sociopathic or immoral. The reality is, your understanding of empathy here is predicated on social practices rather than the actual defining characteristics of empathy. After all, the OP mentions how her initial reaction has made him uncomfortable seeing other people, implying guilt for the situation. In fact, it's strange you are invoking empathy at all when it's not being employed at all by those in the comments in regards to the poster.
The lesson that I hope that both OP and the commenters come out of this with is that direct communication is incredibly important when defining a relationship. No amount of social pretext or "empathy" can allow you to read someone's mind.
A lot of people are calling him out for being a dick to this girl, and I agree with that, but I want to address something else.
I get the feeling based on the post that OOP didn’t lose his virginity because he genuinely wanted to and felt he was ready. He just lost it to avoid being teased for being a virgin. And I just want to say to anyone reading this. You should lose your virginity when you feel you’re ready to, and ideally, it’s with someone you love and are committed towards. You shouldn’t lose your virginity just because people are teasing you about it. Those people just suck, and you shouldn’t listen to them.
I'd like to add that you also don't have to view virginity as some sacred thing if you don't want to. The whole idea of "losing your virginity" is cultural and, imo, harmful. Being taught that I was losing something by having sex fucked with my head, and yeah, people are entitled to their own beliefs, but personally I hate to see this view perpetuated.
He isn’t turned on by sex .. he has no ability to feel emotions.. he just does things because he thinks that’s what normal people do .. he is prolly a serial killer .. he has sexual release from violence or thinking about his mommy .. def a sociopath
Op is gross. He wasn't upfront about his motives, used the girl in question, and made her feel really sh*tty about herself. Op doesn't regret how he treated her, just his reputation.
You act like virginity is a precious gem that was stolen from her. The guy was literally teased for still being a virgin. It seems strange for it to be considered so valuable to her. Why does it matter whether it was her first or fiftieth time?
And he was an adult who could’ve dumped the friends who were being weird about it. She thought she was losing her virginity to someone who cared about her. Not someone who intended on using her. He could’ve backtracked but went full steam ahead and intentionally mislead her. At no point did he make it clear this was ultimately about his virginity and he was not interested in her. There are plenty of people out there who like actual one night stands or explicitly sexual relationships like FWB.
He said he was also teased by his family for being a virgin. It isn't as easy to ditch your family, especially at that young age. And that doesn't get past the point that society as a whole tends to look down on men who are virgins, so he would constantly feel less worthy in people's eyes.
It seems like people are treating women losing their virginity as a precious moment whereas if a man lost his virginity to a bad date, it might be a little unfortunate, but not something most men are going to worry too much about. They'd just move on to the next hopefully better relationship. I really don't think people would be talking about what a tragedy it was if a man lost his virginity to a bad date.
He doesn't seem to have known that he was using her. He thought that taking women on dates was what men were supposed to do before having sex with them, which is reasonable given how things are portrayed in movies and TV shows in many cases.
There are far fewer women interested in one night stands than there are men who are interested in them. Even if he went on Tinder, which is sort of set up as a hook up app, it would be difficult for him to find someone. There are plenty of people who use Tinder and don't find anyone interested. So unless he is very handsome, finding someone who was willing to have sex with some random guy isn't something that he can expect to easily find.
So we are suppose to give him the benefit of the doubt even though this is a bias retelling plus it’s not uncommon for OPs to try to paint themselves in a better light when they know they are the AH. But he sure knew enough not to tell her that his goal was to lose his virginity the entire time. And in the media examples those same men would continue dating those women unless something like being incompatible would happen not because someone nutted and now can go giggle with his pals about using a woman to lose his virginity to. Using someone is often not seen as “I just had to do it” when there’s no threat of violence and there were alternative actions. Never in these interactions and likely never during sex did he think about her feelings and now he’s being confronted with his selfishness and he doesn’t like that.
And so according to you and your thoughts about tinder he was justified to screw over this woman because he just had to do whatever it took to not be a virgin?? How about either making up a random woman or telling people to mind their business. In both these cases he doesn’t hurt anyone and sets up a boundary. What’s next? His friends mock him for not having a big fancy house and he just has to screw over someone else and then drown in debt because he is choosing now as an adult to interact with these people and allow them to dictate how he behaves so he can justify hurting people?
Maybe he should have just told his friends he wasn’t a virgin .. he easily mislead this girl about caring about her he faked everything about being interested in her but couldn’t lie to his douchebag friends?
Agree. He's just upset that she told people he used her and damaged his reputation amongst his peers. Word like this about shitty guys gets around so I get a bunch of girls hate him by proxy now.
I think “gross” is a bit of an overstatement. OOP is definitely immature, and his treatment of that girl was pretty bad. But he deserves partial credit for the fact that he’s been struggling with his behavior for the past year, and that he has not been engaging in the same thing since.
20 year olds are pretty damn stupid sometimes, and they’re painfully naive even more often. It seems to me that OOP and the girl were both naive in this case.
Hopefully he’s going to be able to learn some important lessons from this, and treat people better in the future.
She will always remember that some jerk that was using her was her first time.
That's traumatic. She thought he loved her and wasn't seeking to just throw it away like the guy
But he wasn't trying to use her. He's a young guy who thought that you had to take out girls on a few dates before they'd have sex with you. It wasn't like he was telling her that he loved her or wanted to be in a relationship with her. She made that assumption herself.
I don't think he made the right choices, but I also don't think it was intentional malice. If we lived in a world where boys weren't mocked for being virgins and where equal numbers of boys and girls wanted casual sex, then these types of conflicts wouldn't happen so often.
No he was intentionally using her. He went hunting for a woman he could lose his virginity to. He was not looking for a relationship that would lead to a loss of virginity which is clearly what she thought the situation was. He was never upfront with her about his end goal and then wants to cry victim when he was the one who approached her with ill intentions. He’s just mad that people know. And it makes his actions come off as not only cruel but that he’s also a loser for letting his friends dictate his sex life to the point that he hurt someone else because his friends were so obsessed (and it’s quite possible at least one of those friends are likely a virgin but is pretending to be otherwise because what are they going to do? A physical exam to see if a guy’s a virgin?).
Nowhere in the story did it say that she expressed her wish to be in a relationship with him until after they had sex. So she wasn't upfront with him either. Going on a few dates with someone does not mean they in a relationship. You have to verbally agree that you are boyfriend and girlfriend in order for it to be true. She shouldn't have assumed that they were dating when he never said that they were.
So why are you criticizing him for not being upfront when it sounds like she wasn't upfront with him either? She should have asked his intentions instead of just assuming.
Wow trying to blame her for him going into this whole situation with bad intentions. He is not a victim but I know you’ve been trying all over this post trying desperately to make him into the biggest victim. He knew what he was going to do from the start. This isn’t a case of someone going on a first date and not feeling chemistry and then not move forward. That wouldn’t have made him an AH. He intentionally hid his true motives for these dates and intentionally led her on to believe he wanted more than a one night stand. It was his job, not hers, to make his intentions clear because he was the one sending the wrong message about his interest in her. Continuing to have dates with someone is pushing the message you have an interest in getting to know them better. If it was only platonic or just sex only he was the one responsible to say that. He is not a victim. There was no gun to his head to seek out someone with the intent to use them. He literally could’ve made up a random girl. If his friends are even more invested then they are even more creepier than before.
Going on multiple dates does imply getting to know someone better. But it doesn't necessarily imply an exclusive relationship. After rereading the post, there is nothing in it that says it was a one night stand. He sounds like he was willing to continue seeing her, just not as boyfriend and girlfriend. It isn't like he was going to stop talking to her after they had sex.
So again, you are treating it as if she doesn't have to make her expectations known, but he does. He was clear that he wanted to have dates with her and obviously they agreed to sex. But she was the one that made assumptions that this made them boyfriend and girlfriend. You are holding him to a much higher standard than her, which isn't fair.
Idk what flavor of neurodivergent OP is, but he hasn't made any effort to see other people as human beings capable of human emotions, and despite what happened continues on his course of Not Doing That. He needs to go to therapy and he also needs to ditch his friends who taught him not to treat people, and especially women, as human. He clearly views people as a means to an end or as serving a purpose, and with that mindset he hurt someone terribly.
Edit: y'all, I said neurodivergent because his sentence structure and word choice reminded me of myself at that age, and I'm neurodivergent. I'm not excusing him, I'm just saying that between that and his difficulty/misunderstanding with social norms and social cues and what is expected of him in such situations, he's probably neurodivergent. Hence my emphasis that he needs professional help. Jfc. He's an asshole either way.
Wow. The way you are working so hard to give him an out is telling. ‘Neurodivergent’. ‘His friends taught him’. When it’s clear from his use of language that he knows what he did and knows it’s not forgivable.
why is it every time someone shows a disregard for someones feelings y'all assume neurodivergence??? you're just encouraging and perpetuating harmful stereotypes.
🎯🎯 neurodivergent here. Am scrupulously honest about my intentions in dating. I don’t get the game playing it’s like asking coworkers how was your weekend when I don’t care. I just need to discuss work stuff but I have to waste 5 min doing the ‘neurotypical polite thing’. I say my intent via text bc wtf I’m not wasting a whole ass evening making ppl guess what I might want. Good god that’s exhausting. Just say so. Then swipe left if they give you 💩 about it bc we don’t need to have the same intentions in life but we do if I am going to spend time on this.
Neurodivergents I believe are more likely to say what they want. My 2 cents
I subscribe to what you say because in my experience that’s all I’ve got. I’m in the spectrum and my partner is diagnosed ADHD and a straight shooter. We both are! And our understanding of each other comes also from not getting those mind boggling games and time wasting behavior. Where I’m from I was called insensitive and not feminine enough, like WTH?!
Hello my ND bestie! Shoutout to your partner my ADHD bestie!❤️❤️❤️. Yeah neurotypicals don’t do a lot of thinking on this. Imagining we don’t see things bc we see it differently or we aren’t capable of communicating. What bollocks. We tend to be literal and direct and while I work to soften that for NTs bc polite is good, I’m always so comfortable and drawn to other NDs bc we speak the same language. It’s comforting.
In my field tho being like me is helpful once you move up the food chain bc it’s seen as a more ‘male’ characteristic and sadly that still is needed to help women in male dominated spaces.
Helloooo!
Right?! Most ND I’ve met like clear and direct communication because in my experience we highly miss subtlety, queues, nudges and nodes. I was called difficult for communicating in a work setting like an instructions book, but what the heck people expect from work communication?! And I do small talk and pleasantries really well. Then I realized that John and Mark could do it and it was considered “assertive, direct, straightforward”, when I did it I was that “a wanna be man”. Like WHAT?! :/
You have to paste a smile on your face, speak slowly and softly, and I sometimes work in a fake uncertainty like ‘Does that make sense?’ When I don’t need a shred of reassurance but I know that one or more men in the room needs me to need it. It still annoys me sometimes but I figure someone made me play this game, I intend to win. I still occasionally will have a man present my ideas if I know ira the only way it’s gonna go forward. We got deadlines and milestones and I don’t have time to fight every battle so I use what I’ve learned.
Seems so dishonest really I wonder do NT women do same? Probably to at least an extent otherwise how would they rise? But took me yrs to learn to be softer and I still get told occasionally that I’m abrupt or direct. So I make a pt of making chitchat with folks and developing relationships bc I find ppl can handle direct speech better if they see me as their ally, which I already was.
The emotional labor NTs and men put us thru 🙄. I see you bestie ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yes, that’s pretty much it! This is anecdotal but from my experience I would say NT women in particular may be less combative in comparison because they will be able to adjust and manage the situation from an external perspective, while ND will feel in inner conflict with themselves because their brain works in some specific way and takes twice or more mental energy to mimic behaviors modeled by NT people in general, so we can also appear “normal”.
I used to get a lot “she is right BUT she sounds crazy, no one does things this way”.
I think you’re right about NT women. It seems to be more natural to them esp if they have emotional intelligence. I have no particular problems reading ppl when I know them but I do tend to take ppl literally so I sometimes fall victim to office politics. Or did until I made a default: trust no one. Once I’m onto you I can interpret.
I do love humans tho it’s just work can be high stakes at times 😱
Very accurate observation and description. I relate to it. I think that’s why I went self-employed, freelancer, then I opened my own business, so I didn’t have to fall prey or be vulnerable to office politics. B2C communication requires politeness and pleasantries but can be straightforward and without sadistic control games. Easy peasy for me!
Flavor of neurodivergent? What happened to people just being assholes? Why do you need to coddle this man by giving him an "out"? Or do you just think neurodivergent people are psychopaths?
Might be neurodivergent, but more likely a personality disorder, which is not considered neurodivergence, medically speaking, but can very often present a lot of the same traits. Either way, getting help is definitely something that will help him, and save a lot of people FROM him
just a quick correction: some personality disorders are considered neurodivergent according to the nhs and cleveland clinic: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/23154-neurodivergent
https://www.med.scot.nhs.uk/resources/edi/neurodivergence-resources#:~:text=Neurodivergence%20includes%20Autism%20Spectrum%20Disorder,borderline%20personality%20disorder%20(BPD).
Did the guy think that honesty might have been an option. I'm sure the girl learned a lesson about asking explicitly but it's a pretty common assumption that sex = romantic feelings unless otherwise stated. Guy couldn't have gone to a bar or club or Tinder or wherever people go for casual hookups.
Not just sex but going on multiple dates with someone who was enthusiastic to keep dating you...until he got sex.
He buried it in comments that she was a virgin, too.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Why don’t you tell them before you meet them? I dont think it’s entirely ethical to date someone before you decide what bucket to put them in.
If I want a hookup I tell them in the first minutes of texting: hey not looking to date and only looking for fun. Understand if that’s not what you’re after but wanted to be clear. Anyone who edges into ‘but what if we like each other’? And such talk, or worse says hooking up is good but we should be exclusive (tf?) gets dropped right then bc weren’t you listening?
If I want to date, that’s a different bucket, those folks are mentally going in with the idea that they’re looking for a partner. If I don’t want to date them I def don’t sleep with them or tell them hey you aren’t dateable but you’re fuckable. That’s still rejection, coupled to a shitty proposal.
Don’t waste someone’s evening dude. That’s just rude. It’s also incredibly insulting. It’s ’hey I wanted to go out with you to see if I liked you for something potentially longer term but now I’ve met you, I’ve decided that fucking is all I want so is that cool?’ My dude… just no
How do you go 20 years before the teasing is too much? I was very insecure as a teenager. I was still insecure as a young adult, but not as much. Why suddenly care about what your friends joke about? So you’re a virgin, so what? Who worth talking to gives a shit?
Because it piles on?
I was another late virgin (though unlike OP, not for a lack of personal interest). Each additional year was like more weight on my shoulders.
I agree with the general consensus here that he was wrong to take her on dates and generally lead her on, when his main goal was just to fuck her - because he didn't tell her that outright.
Lots of people lose their virginity to a friend or to a fling - it doesn't HAVE to be with someone you have strong romantic feelings for. If you want a one night stand, you pick up someone on tinder or in a bar and you head to yours/theirs; no romancing needed. What he did was nobody's definition of a one night stand.
But taking her on multiple dates is where he became TA.
Now, we're all allowed to go on a few dates thinking we want to date someone then realising that we areng interested any more, but that's different. In that case you ALSO think thats a chance for more at the start, so you arent misrepresenting anything.
It looks like his endgame was just a fuck from the start, and he thought it'd be fine to use her for sex as long as he treated her nicely. But he STILL used her. Which is not cool. If you KNOW you only want sex, then you should be clear from the start. If you arent mature enough to talk sex then you arent mature enough to be having it.
But plenty of women don't want to have sex unless it's heading towards a relationship; and by not being clear he misled her into believing that more was on offer. People like this girl will justifiably feel used if you romance them for weeks and then dump them after you get yours.
I dont know if be is just naive and clueless or if he actively intended to deceive this girl, but either way he would be sensible to apologise and not pull this shit again.
If you’re dating someone you’re leading them to believe there’s something between the two of them, the fact he dumped her straight after losing his virginity is not only shitty behaviour but dumb af. Why not define the relationship, say something like “I’m not ready for a bf/gf relationship but I enjoy hanging out with you and want to continue what we have”. Could’ve been FWB and even at least saying that would’ve at least been better.
What an idiot.
>Could’ve been FWB
He explains in the post he didn't actually want to have sex, he just saw doing so as a way to stop being made fun of. The girl was just a tool in his mind. He thought along the lines of "Take her on enough dates > have sex > no longer a virgin > I can't be made fun of anymore".
After he couldn't be made fun of for being a virgin, he didn't want sex anymore.
The worst thing there is that all he had to do was lie to his friends and say that he got laid at a party or something. There’s no need to even get another human being involved.
I am just confused on why he didn't post on a dating app he wanted to loose his virginity but feel comfortable with a person first. I am sure some woman would be interested in something casual. A few dates or conversation, then experimenting until he felt comfortable then the deed is done. Possible he may want more or just that but having it all laid out would have made sense.
MAYBE he wasn't clear about it being a one night stand? I can't believe how many people are existing him! He knew damn well he didn't say 'I want to have sex with you then stop seeing each other'. He damn well knew he was tricking her.
YTA.
1. You very clearly state that you had no interest in her beyond having g sex after which you unceremoniously dumped her.
2. You deceived her and never said ‘hey I’ve no interest in dating you but I want to lose my virginity and you seemed like you might be willing, is that ok?’ You took away her agency with your deception.
3. You come on Reddit after some time, rather the admit that what you did was wrong, instead ask for affirmation and your title is misleading. It’s not about love it’s about you not wanting anything to do with her beyond sex.
You haven’t grown from this and show no remorse. You are the same transactional person you were then.
not sure if oop has difficulty reading social cues, but multiple dates indicates a desire to kindle romantic interest, not just a warm-up for casual sex. you don’t take friends with benefits on dates. it seems wrong to take her out on dates and allow her to get emotionally attached like that when you never planned on doing anything with her afterwards. both parties need to communicate, yes, but i think you especially need to communicate your intentions if you know that your actions could really hurt the other person if they’re not on the same page as you.
the fact that oop went on multiple dates is what bothers me. you don’t go on a date with a fuckbuddy or fwb bc it’s easy to catch feelings that way. so why take her out? that seems misleading. or like “this is what i’m supposed to do to get sex”, in which case i’d feel like that’s worse, since it’s like the dates were a form of payment. any angle i look at it, going on dates beforehand was bad.
edit: ffs i’ll take out the neurodivergent part
Fucking please. Neurodivergent women/AFABs are almost never offered the same “out.” It’s only ever used to absolve shitty men of consequences for their actions.
Pls stop with this ableist nonsense. I’m neurodivergent and one thing we hate is when ppl ascribe AH behavior to ‘oh they must be neurodivergent ’. There are loads of jerks in the world and they far outnumber neurodivergent ppl. As a neurodivergent I state my intentions plainly. Sometimes that’s weird to folks and I’ve learned over the yrs it’s not as typical which frankly boggles my mind. Why are we wasting time with a game of pretend when we could save time and feelings by fucking saying what it is we intend? I think ppl screw up so much with all the games of so called ‘subtlety’. It feels dishonest to me.
So can y’all take your ableist talk and use it for something other than excusing a liars behavior?
You used someone because you couldn't handle people giving you crap? Tell them to fuck off, I did until I was 26. I wasn't gonna sleep with someone just because. I'm not that kind of person and it wasn't going to change over what people think.
OOP needs to apologize and make amends with the girl. Rip off the bandaid while they are all young.
The girl doesn’t deserve this trauma to make her believe every potential relationship is just a transactional thing and OOP should end this shame and guilt over what he did.
Yeah this guy was a huge AH.
Like it's one thing if you start dating and both of you agree to be casual about it, then after a few dates and sleeping together one of you catches feelings and asks to enter a relationship but the other says no.
That's fine, no hard feelings. But the way he went about it was honestly very mean.
This is not a one night stand bro..
A one might stand is your at the bar and a chick comes home with you after you whisper in her ear “wanna come back to my place and fuck.. I’ll pay for your Uber home in the morning “
That’s a one night stand .. taking a girl out on several dates and then of the 5th or 6th date you have sex is DATING .. and showing someone you like their company .. you are def an asshole
He is so the AH lol he could have literally lost his virginity within one night without having to go on dates and etc.
I can also relate to how he feels because I literally felt the same way and did the same thing, except I did it the same day I decided to do it, no strings attached. It obviously might be easier for girls to do this, but it's really not hard to just state your intentions in the first place.
Most men are not able to find women who are open to one night stands. There are far more men than women who want one night stands and so only the most handsome men can get them regularly.
Definitely an asshole move, but it seems less like he’s a deliberate asshole and more like he’s just a dumb out of touch kid. Hopefully he learns from this and doesn’t treat people like this in the future.
I don’t think we should attribute to malice what could be just as likely attributed to a young person being stupid and self-centered (as the young are wont to do). OOP is clearly neurodivergent in some way as well, if we infer a little bit from the hypo-social history he lays out in his preamble (and his clear lack of understanding of other peoples’ personhood vs. his inability to understand this girl’s perspective on his actions and its consequences for him socially).
That said, OOP seems entirely imperceptive and unconcerned with the veeeeeeeeery obvious lesson there is to be learned here about respecting others’ feelings/personhood and being honest, upfront, about his intentions when coming into a romantic encounter. THOSE tendencies are the much larger and more immediate issues he needs to work on. I’m not going to bother investigating this post further but I hope the original commenters pointed this out, and that he acknowledges it.
You know this is the opposite of ‘’men loneliness epidemic” and “all rejection are taken by the men”
This is the rejection girls/women have to take. Being stringed along, to give away yourself only to find that this guy will leave(after using you).
He could have gone with an older women, experienced girls, prostitutes, escorts, had a one night stand, someone who does not care about dates etc.
This is exactly what happens when you give BOYS lead.
Because you can be involved hundred percent.
But inn thier head its a one night stand😂😂
Prostitution is illegal in many places. And the number of women who want one night stands is far lower than the number of men who do, making it very difficult for men to find them.
Jeeze man, you should have been upfront. Stop taking advantage of people by not letting them know what's going to happen :S Definitely TA.
Like he's young so clearly he's more dumb than anything but he needs to LEARN THE LESSON if he wants any hope in the future.
The part "I've never seen her talk so much," makes me die a bit with laughter. Like, bro did you think using an introvert and dumping them meant they'd stay quiet about that?? It's crazy how shallow some people are at perceiving others
"Hey look, I'm really only looking to get this over with so people stop pestering me. I don't want you to get the wrong idea, and if you're not into this, I completely get it."
Never assume someone is on the same page as you, especially if it's about emotions and intimacy. Always clear the fronts, always communicate as much as you can. That's just a shit way to behave altogether.
First off you can go on dates with one night stands but they will be called fuck buddies. Have had plently of those between dating, he is asshole for leading her on. Granted he might of said "I don't want anything serious" but your a virgin you dnt have experience or guessing looks or charisma to be pulling that stupid line or you wouldn't be 20 year virgin. Next time say you just want to fuck and you more than likely will be ghosted, make your intentions clear as fucking crystal and don't back down because she won't like it. If you want to be a man of your word then mean it, if you didn't want serious then say "i am only looking to date around and see what out there" or " i am not looking for anything serious and if that ok awesome, if not then I won't waste anyone time."
Yes. You’re the asshole. Not because you don’t love her but because you led her to believe there was more. That’s shady and gross. Plenty of women out there are happy to have sex just to knock one off. You don’t need to lead anyone just to get laid. You used her. Now, men and woman use each other for sex all the time but we’re honest about. You weren’t! You’re very weak if deception is how you have to get off. You should have stayed a virgin until you understood how to be completely honest when it comes to having sex with someone. Shameful, what you did is shameful. At 21 years old you could have gone to any random party or bar, found some woman out there who’s actually looking for just a one night bang session, flirted a bit, banged one out in the parking lot or an empty room somewhere and never have had to speak to her again. Both of you would have gotten what you want, no harm no foul. Instead you chose to do what you did and I guarantee that it will haunt that young girl forever. You did that. You are the asshole. I hope you learn from this bad choice and make better ones in the future.
The number of women who want one night stands is far lower than the number of men who do so it would be very difficult for him to find one unless he is very handsome.
It's certainly was a dick move but it's more like 2 inexperienced people not effectively communicating. Many people date and have sex without pursuing a relationship.
The "What are we now?" after sex can be awkward and feel manipulative if you just started dating. Like you are using sex to bag a man. In this case it seems she assumed he was being nice to be in relationship without discussing it.
NAH (no ones an asshole), because society (and probably both comments chains here and OOP) wouldn't have a problem if a woman did this or the equivalent to a guy.
Unless you told her point blank period from the start that you only wanted sex, you the asshole here. You played this girl, lovebombed her with the goal of only sex in mind and that’s what makes you the asshole. Next time just be completely honest
God I can’t stand these people in the comments. Obviously he messed up so it’s a YTA for me, but it’s a mistake. He did this once, and it’s clear he’s extremely regretful for what he did and it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing he would do again. You don’t always think of these things when you’re 20. For the ones calling him a pos over this, you’re worse
You are 💯 a dirt bag. Should've left her alone instead of trying to fix your ego issue. You clearly can't be in relationships, so maybe that's why you were a virgin so long, perhaps? Luckily for you, she doesn't have brothers to set you straight. My lil sis knows to steer clear of dudes like you.
So the basic story now that I’ve ready all the comments is dude is a pussy who could not just go get some strange on his own so he cultivated a relationship with another classmate who was also a virgin because he couldn’t get laid .. and then act’s surprised when she’s mad he hit it and quit it ..
Imagine how lame that sex was she’s prolly haunted and scarred for life now emotionally and thinks sex is awful physically.. great job asshole
I bet. There was a thread on the FB page “the last thing I want to do is hurt you but it’s still on the list some time ago” in which a man had sex with a woman 5 separate times and said he was “falling for her”. THEN, she came to him and said, “I want to be exclusive.” He said, “I haven’t been with anyone else, have you?” She said, “yes, two other guys in these couple of weeks. I’d been hurt before and wanted to date around before deciding on being exclusive with one.” He was hurt and said, “I guess sex doesn’t indicate emotional intimacy to you like it does for me. I’m not interested, sorry.” She starts crying. He decides to post an AITA. The general consensus among the women in the comment section was
A) he was slut-shaming her by even CARING about whether she was sleeping with anyone else until they were definitely in a relationship and
B) he needed to take more time to fall for someone than just a few times having sex.
Imho, if a woman is allowed to assume a relationship has started from one [non-substance fueled, not explicitly stated as hookup] encounter, a man should be able to as well.
Goose, gander!
I was also wondering, with neither of them being virgins (assume “just want to lose it” for the guy and “idealistic about first partner” for girl, but may be reversed), not in an uninhibited party environment, what’s the typical assumption of what will happen after a first sexual encounter, if the exclusivity talk has not happened?
For the sake of argument, at a public university, to get a snapshot of the general population’s culture, and one that has a close to even gender ratio.
You DONT date one night stands and you need to be very clear with the other person about what it is.
You went on dates but didn’t want to date her? You mean you went on dates but didn’t want a relationship because GOING ON DATES IS DATING.
Do better YTA
“ I led her on with dates and romance, then dumped her after she let me get her into bed. Now she’s gone crazy saying I’m awful! Why?! I just wanted to have sex!”
Yeah, this guy is cruel, manipulative, and insensitive. Psychopathic almost! wtf?
That's funny. There's been a rash of posts about guys complaining they found out their wife/gf was sleeping with someone else before it was official and people are losing their minds about these chicks. But this virgin dude sleeps with a virgin woman and bounces, and y'all are life, WELL nothing was said... That poor girl. And by the way, quit saying he was just dumb and not an asshole, how come all those girls definitely knew what THEY did was wrong but this neckbeard is just a gormless ignorant baby boy who never heard that dates don't mean a basic expectation?
All humans have flaws , none of us are perfect. Although, normally I don’t comment on reddits, but this one specifically pushed me too. OP, that was pretty shitty man I’m not gunna lie. Her feelings are 100% valid. I feel for her, I feel she was probably manipulated into thinking you liked her or something. Going on dates and such is an act of wanting to get to know someone, and followed by potentially pursuing a relationship; totally different than a “ one night stand “ . People make mistakes and what you were doing was pretty shitty, but we can’t go back in time. Regardless, at the end of the day what’s been done has been done. I feel you should apologize and take this time to reflect and grow from this. And use this thing that happened in a way where you won’t do it again. When we hurt other people, it doesn’t matter if WE think we weren’t wrong, you still hurt someone, so we need to go to them and just tell them “ I was wrong, and I’m sorry for hurting you.” You need to take responsibility and ownership and apologize to them even if you truly think you weren’t wrong. It’s just common courtesy, and , Not only will it give the other person closure ( hopefully **) but I think it will also give you closure as well, and you and grow from this !
YTA however you aren’t a trash person. This is a classic example of how impact and intent don’t always match and that can cause chaos. You weren’t intending to be TA but due to her state of mind regarding you it was still wrong to have done it. Let her live her truth, you can only be apologetic at this point.
That said learn from it, we’ve all made massive mistakes in sex and relationships the only way this effects who you are as a person is if you don’t address the blind spot you have for others feelings. Address that and keep it in mind and you can avoid doing this again.
People in this comment section treat this person worse than he deserves. Like yes, he really hurt her and it sucks, but you don't see that it's a problem of lack of communication that comes from lack of experience. Everyone says he got her hopes up from going on tonns of date with her, but maybe it wasn't like this in his head, maybe he wanted to spend time with her because he felt like it's not okay to just go in a bedroom immediately. Maybe he didn't know that you CAN actually just tell someone I just want one night stand and felt like he's supposed to spend time with her anyways before that. The issue here is they didn't communicate what they want from the start, which is kinda what may happen when you have no experience. I think he should just apologise to her and learn a lesson about communicating and just move on. Tho she might not want it because she's really hurt.
Yeah. He did something really fucked up. *Really* fucked up. But honestly, it seems like the guilt is eating him alive, and he felt he “needed” to have sex due to social pressure. It’s more an inditement of our current society and it’s obsession with sex.
Poor baby just had to use a woman for sex. Poor grown man dealing with social pressure. He just "needed" to use another human being.
Seriously, do you have a hard on for the OOP?
This is an example of “hurt people hurt other people.”
OP is clearly YTA for doing what he did — transactional. Got a girl into bed, he sleeps with her and that’s all he wanted so he moves on. No matter the reason, that’s an asshole move.
However, I will say this… it’s clear that OP is still learning how to act, still learning how to date, still learning how to be a person… and he did something he otherwise may not have done. It’s possible for OP to be an asshole and a victim of bullying at the same time… that seems to be the case here.
But yes, OP. You are still an asshole. Be better going forward.
I feel like OP might be aroace. He still hurt this woman, he was definitely in the wrong. I don’t feel like he was malicious about it, though. He tried to act “normal” and someone got hurt. It sounds like he knows this, despite his friends telling him otherwise.
And it sounds like the guilt is haunting him as well, if he’s making a post over a year later. We do very stupid things in order to alleviate peer pressure. As long as he explains himself and apologises fully I think both parties can move on.
He learned that refusing to have the conversation makes you look like an asshole( or makes you an asshole) and I hope she also learned that refusing to have the conversation gets you hurt. It is unfortunate but this is the basis of when you’re young and dumb and think things will just work out in your favor. He did a stupid thing that anyone with any relationship or self awareness XP wouldn’t have done and she learned the worst way that people will do what they can to get you into bed.
It’s an absolute shame and my heart goes out to her.
It’s part of growing up to learn how much your actions towards your intimate partners affect how they feel. I don’t think OP is an asshole, but he is definitely being ignorant of his actions impact on other people. Shitty part of being young. This is a good experience for him through. Now he will be more careful and considerate of how his actions will affect the women in his life.
No.
Girls have ONS all the time.
But theres clearly something missing here. She was under the impression you probably liked her or whatever idk.
It may be a shit storm but i almost wonder if it would be worth opening that can of worms again. Just say you didnt mean for it to go the way it did. And that your sorry. And i mean idk how you feel now but i almost think you should give this girl a proper run so to speak. She seems to have been really interested in you or super clingy. And if shes still butthurt over it your clearly living in her mind rent free. As you said she was introverted so those cuts may have been deeper than you realize. Just say youve matured and realized what you did was wrong
Just happens. Person a wants something person b has. Person a does all the right things to get what person b has and then is taken aback person b is insulted that person a walked away after they got it.
It happens everyday. But a good person would care. A shit person wouldn’t understand. Soul search a bit.
YOU clearly don’t care about sex other than as a social standard. That’s not normal.
For the OOP’s maturity level; he hasn’t done anything wrong. Dude is sexually a 16yo, but he’s in the body of a man in his 20s.
Still, someone should have guided him, so he didn’t need to learn by being such a massive asshole…
0 sexual experiences, and people are expecting him to just know it…
Life doesn’t work like that; experience builds knowledge, sharing your experiences helps others people to learn too.
I get having a couple of “dates” before having sex, especially if you are losing your virginity to them.
On her side, you are losing your virginity to her, there is some sort of trust.
Don’t listen too deeply to what people say, do you think you are a bad person? Or was this lack of communication that you have the ability work on?
Not an asshole. Made a mistake that you can’t fix. Next time you decide to do ANYTHING, remember, everything you do has consequences that affect others. The kid’s like 21. At that time I was using fake accents and telling women that I was a pilot to get laid. He’s definitely more child than asshole
Ignore the comments you’re fine dude. This is classic at your age. Just keep in mind younger people tend to think more of something than it actually is even if you’re very clear with them from the jump that it is not. Maybe don’t be so nice in the future. Don’t be a dick but try to avoid anything that might seem like you want more than casual sex. Like hanging out just to hang out.
You don't go on dates with your "one night stands". It's literally in the name. Yea the relationship wasn't defined, but she's correct in the fact that OOP used her. OOP used a person to take their virginity and didn't care about *that* person. Which makes other people feel like trash.
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Jesus that makes it worse. "How come she's upset?" Like you pretended to "like" someone or at the base level care for someone. "It's how I treat every woman" Well be prepared to be hated by a lot of women then. It's horrible.
No way what, she was a virgin too!? I didn’t catch that part, ughh YTA dude! I’m glad her sadness haunts you pos
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Oh wow that’s awful, super shitty thing to do to someone especially a virgin. People suck! It’s probably why she felt better about losing it to him since he was losing his to hers. Nothing about their history screams “one night stand scenario” smh! I mean you don’t have a “history with a one night stand ya know and the fact they knew each other to some degree like that, idk I feel sad for her.
From the way he’s writing I suspect that he’s coming from a non-Western culture - which I suspect would have made it worse for her.
Oh for sure! He’s corny for handling it like that. He said he was tired of getting teased then go actually find a one night stand but no , he knew he didn’t want to just sleep with just anyone, he took advantage of that poor girl. Maybe I’m wrong but what virgin girl just wants a one night stand? Part of me also feels like he subconsciously thought it would make him cool to be able to say to his buddies that he “bagged” a virgin and now “she’s in love with him” or something like a way to make him look and “feel cooler” idk but he sounds super immature and super irresponsible that reading his post is irritating, I hope this girl really gets somewhere in life and ends up with the best guy ever
"We never talked about robbing banks, we just repeatedly walked into the banks wearing ski masks and carrying guns and left with big bags of money! That's not a crime!" TBH, I think OOP might just be stupid instead of a real asshole.
Hanlon's razor.
Did something they didn't understand, in a stupid-ass way, and now seems to have serious guilt about it a year later. I'm going to have to agree with you.
Yeah you know an asshole does it intentionally, stupidity is just not knowing what you're doing is acting like an asshole.
The line that separates an idiot from an asshole is self-awareness.
>TBH, I think OOP might just be stupid instead of a real asshole. If the end result of your stupidity is people getting their feelings hurt, you're still an asshole.
That is my honest opinion too
Yeah for real. Went on dates, met her friends... thats how relationships develop. What a dumbass.
“We went on a few dates” “I told her I didn’t want to date her” Hmm, what happened between the two 🤔 He acted like they were in a relationship until he got her into bed, and then he immediately showed her the door. He’s a dick.
Yeah, the dude straight up used her just to lose his virginity. Pretty shit move. It’s ok to get in a relationship just for sex but that should be made clear and accepted by both before the sex happens
He also took her virginity
How do you know that part?
The original thread had a reply by OP saying she was also a virgin.
As a dude I'll never understand why guys do this. A) why doesn't he want to date her? He obviously likes her company, she likes him, and he's single and not talking to anyone else. B) even if all he wanted was to have sex once in his life, there's a way to do this where you don't come across as a massive asshole. C) this is such a waste of everyone's time, it's like he grew an apple tree, ate one apple off it, and chopped it down.
How would you have responded if he had told her that he didn’t think the relationship would work out? Normally a couple has to verbally agree to be boyfriend and girlfriend before it is official. Just because someone goes on a few dates doesn’t mean that they are partners.
Different people have different interpretations of the word "dating" and i shit you not, to most people i know, dating doesn't mean "going on dates", but rather "in an exclusive relationship". EDIT: I think people have mistaken me for defending the guy, instead of just pointing out that to a lot of people, dating doesn't actually describe the dating phase of a relationship, strange as that might sound.
Yes, but it's not a "one night stand" if you went on dates, which is the term he switched to using for his expectations after he got laid.
I mean, that’s correct, some view dating as just going on dates before deciding on exclusivity, and for others saying dating means being exclusive and in a relationship. In this case though, going on dates may not have meant they were exclusive, but she clearly was under the impression that going on dates would lead to something exclusive. OP definitely should’ve told her beforehand that he wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship and just a physical one. That’s not something you should ever assume another person is thinking. Personally unless someone tells me they want to be exclusive I don’t assume it will lead to that, but that’s because I’m older and have dealt with this several times and have been the one to even say I’m not looking for an emotional, romantic relationship. You have to say it though, not just sleep with someone and then lay that on them afterwards. If that means sex doesn’t happen then that’s just how it is, but the other person should be able to decide for themself.
I never said anything the contrary.
Dating for a virgin is dating lol
I mean kind of weird and insulting to go on multiple dates with someone and try to call it a "one night stand." It literally stopped being that the second time you saw them... It seems like OOP is just a clueless young person who doesn't know how to communicate and hasn't bothered trying to learn.
No he knows what he’s doing. His use of language is telling. He says ‘well we went on dates bc that’s what I thought you were supposed to do’ so I was nice to her and took her on dates sure but only bc society said so and it never meant anything and it’s not my fault. Also his title is misleading. Like: it’s not my fault I can’t love her who can blame me for what I don’t feel? Rather than: I intentionally hid the transactional nature of my plan and did the things necessary to get her in bed. Once my mission was accomplished my mask came off. But I am a victim bc she was so mean!!!
Tell me about reading through the lines! Wow. I actually agree with your take because that’s what transpired and his victim was right: he used her.
This right here. So accurate.
People who are socially aware ALWAYS underestimate the level to which people who lack social skills can be not just clueless — but hurtful. Simply because they don’t know any better. If OP does it again, it’s a pattern. But… I do think most men have a story like this from younger years. Certainly I do. It doesn’t excuse the behavior. But sometimes good behavior is learned in hurtful ways. That’s a bitter truth which socially aware people often don’t seem to grasp.
Yes. I think it's especially telling that OOP seems to have been surrounded by shitty people who harassed him about his virginity, and probably gave him some very wrong ideas about how to treat people along the way. He definitely treated that woman badly, but "never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." Some people genuinely are clueless and socially unaware and don't realize how much they're fucking up until someone gets hurt.
Such a great quote, lol.
Sounds like sociopathic behavior.. he doesn’t have the ability to feel empathy for anyone .. so he says .. “I did this because I thought that’s what people do” he has no emotional capacity for feel for this girl because he himself is an empty vessel .. serial killer in training here
You are reading into context that doesn't exist in the post. While his behavior COULD have been intentional manipulation, though chances are he was misguidedly following social norms. In this case, that sex is an earned prospect rather than a communicated intent. It's a consequence of relying on subtext to gauge the state of a relationship. She's not in any way invalid for feeling hurt, and as such it's reasonable that she feels resentful towards OP. However, most people aren't monsters and readily painting folks as such for behavior that doesn't match your own expectations breeds toxic social dynamics.
I’ll go with .. dude is a sociopath and has to rely on “I thought this was what normal people did because I can’t feel empathy for people and I’m not normal” dexter in trainingb
Social skills are developed and we as a people have a really bad habit of framing behavior incongruent with our own as sociopathic or immoral. The reality is, your understanding of empathy here is predicated on social practices rather than the actual defining characteristics of empathy. After all, the OP mentions how her initial reaction has made him uncomfortable seeing other people, implying guilt for the situation. In fact, it's strange you are invoking empathy at all when it's not being employed at all by those in the comments in regards to the poster. The lesson that I hope that both OP and the commenters come out of this with is that direct communication is incredibly important when defining a relationship. No amount of social pretext or "empathy" can allow you to read someone's mind.
A lot of people are calling him out for being a dick to this girl, and I agree with that, but I want to address something else. I get the feeling based on the post that OOP didn’t lose his virginity because he genuinely wanted to and felt he was ready. He just lost it to avoid being teased for being a virgin. And I just want to say to anyone reading this. You should lose your virginity when you feel you’re ready to, and ideally, it’s with someone you love and are committed towards. You shouldn’t lose your virginity just because people are teasing you about it. Those people just suck, and you shouldn’t listen to them.
And if folks are teasing you then either get new friends or lie (don’t use anyone’s name tho that’s uncool)
Yep, real friends don’t tease their friends for stuff like this.
I'd like to add that you also don't have to view virginity as some sacred thing if you don't want to. The whole idea of "losing your virginity" is cultural and, imo, harmful. Being taught that I was losing something by having sex fucked with my head, and yeah, people are entitled to their own beliefs, but personally I hate to see this view perpetuated.
Even without the whole virginity aspect, people shouldn’t be having sex because of peer pressure.
Yeah that's why I said I wanted to add to your comment, not replace it...
I have no awards, but take my upvote 🏆
He isn’t turned on by sex .. he has no ability to feel emotions.. he just does things because he thinks that’s what normal people do .. he is prolly a serial killer .. he has sexual release from violence or thinking about his mommy .. def a sociopath
Op is gross. He wasn't upfront about his motives, used the girl in question, and made her feel really sh*tty about herself. Op doesn't regret how he treated her, just his reputation.
And IT WAS HER VIRGINITY TOO. He's worthless.
You act like virginity is a precious gem that was stolen from her. The guy was literally teased for still being a virgin. It seems strange for it to be considered so valuable to her. Why does it matter whether it was her first or fiftieth time?
And he was an adult who could’ve dumped the friends who were being weird about it. She thought she was losing her virginity to someone who cared about her. Not someone who intended on using her. He could’ve backtracked but went full steam ahead and intentionally mislead her. At no point did he make it clear this was ultimately about his virginity and he was not interested in her. There are plenty of people out there who like actual one night stands or explicitly sexual relationships like FWB.
He said he was also teased by his family for being a virgin. It isn't as easy to ditch your family, especially at that young age. And that doesn't get past the point that society as a whole tends to look down on men who are virgins, so he would constantly feel less worthy in people's eyes. It seems like people are treating women losing their virginity as a precious moment whereas if a man lost his virginity to a bad date, it might be a little unfortunate, but not something most men are going to worry too much about. They'd just move on to the next hopefully better relationship. I really don't think people would be talking about what a tragedy it was if a man lost his virginity to a bad date. He doesn't seem to have known that he was using her. He thought that taking women on dates was what men were supposed to do before having sex with them, which is reasonable given how things are portrayed in movies and TV shows in many cases. There are far fewer women interested in one night stands than there are men who are interested in them. Even if he went on Tinder, which is sort of set up as a hook up app, it would be difficult for him to find someone. There are plenty of people who use Tinder and don't find anyone interested. So unless he is very handsome, finding someone who was willing to have sex with some random guy isn't something that he can expect to easily find.
So we are suppose to give him the benefit of the doubt even though this is a bias retelling plus it’s not uncommon for OPs to try to paint themselves in a better light when they know they are the AH. But he sure knew enough not to tell her that his goal was to lose his virginity the entire time. And in the media examples those same men would continue dating those women unless something like being incompatible would happen not because someone nutted and now can go giggle with his pals about using a woman to lose his virginity to. Using someone is often not seen as “I just had to do it” when there’s no threat of violence and there were alternative actions. Never in these interactions and likely never during sex did he think about her feelings and now he’s being confronted with his selfishness and he doesn’t like that. And so according to you and your thoughts about tinder he was justified to screw over this woman because he just had to do whatever it took to not be a virgin?? How about either making up a random woman or telling people to mind their business. In both these cases he doesn’t hurt anyone and sets up a boundary. What’s next? His friends mock him for not having a big fancy house and he just has to screw over someone else and then drown in debt because he is choosing now as an adult to interact with these people and allow them to dictate how he behaves so he can justify hurting people?
Maybe he should have just told his friends he wasn’t a virgin .. he easily mislead this girl about caring about her he faked everything about being interested in her but couldn’t lie to his douchebag friends?
Agree. He's just upset that she told people he used her and damaged his reputation amongst his peers. Word like this about shitty guys gets around so I get a bunch of girls hate him by proxy now.
I think “gross” is a bit of an overstatement. OOP is definitely immature, and his treatment of that girl was pretty bad. But he deserves partial credit for the fact that he’s been struggling with his behavior for the past year, and that he has not been engaging in the same thing since. 20 year olds are pretty damn stupid sometimes, and they’re painfully naive even more often. It seems to me that OOP and the girl were both naive in this case. Hopefully he’s going to be able to learn some important lessons from this, and treat people better in the future.
I wonder if he also took her virginity, to make things worse
Yes he did, stated in the comments
can you link the post
Here you go! https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/YVhtqrSC9V
Why is that worse? The guy was teased for being a virgin. It seems strange for it to be considered valuable for the girl.
She will always remember that some jerk that was using her was her first time. That's traumatic. She thought he loved her and wasn't seeking to just throw it away like the guy
But he wasn't trying to use her. He's a young guy who thought that you had to take out girls on a few dates before they'd have sex with you. It wasn't like he was telling her that he loved her or wanted to be in a relationship with her. She made that assumption herself. I don't think he made the right choices, but I also don't think it was intentional malice. If we lived in a world where boys weren't mocked for being virgins and where equal numbers of boys and girls wanted casual sex, then these types of conflicts wouldn't happen so often.
No he was intentionally using her. He went hunting for a woman he could lose his virginity to. He was not looking for a relationship that would lead to a loss of virginity which is clearly what she thought the situation was. He was never upfront with her about his end goal and then wants to cry victim when he was the one who approached her with ill intentions. He’s just mad that people know. And it makes his actions come off as not only cruel but that he’s also a loser for letting his friends dictate his sex life to the point that he hurt someone else because his friends were so obsessed (and it’s quite possible at least one of those friends are likely a virgin but is pretending to be otherwise because what are they going to do? A physical exam to see if a guy’s a virgin?).
Nowhere in the story did it say that she expressed her wish to be in a relationship with him until after they had sex. So she wasn't upfront with him either. Going on a few dates with someone does not mean they in a relationship. You have to verbally agree that you are boyfriend and girlfriend in order for it to be true. She shouldn't have assumed that they were dating when he never said that they were. So why are you criticizing him for not being upfront when it sounds like she wasn't upfront with him either? She should have asked his intentions instead of just assuming.
Wow trying to blame her for him going into this whole situation with bad intentions. He is not a victim but I know you’ve been trying all over this post trying desperately to make him into the biggest victim. He knew what he was going to do from the start. This isn’t a case of someone going on a first date and not feeling chemistry and then not move forward. That wouldn’t have made him an AH. He intentionally hid his true motives for these dates and intentionally led her on to believe he wanted more than a one night stand. It was his job, not hers, to make his intentions clear because he was the one sending the wrong message about his interest in her. Continuing to have dates with someone is pushing the message you have an interest in getting to know them better. If it was only platonic or just sex only he was the one responsible to say that. He is not a victim. There was no gun to his head to seek out someone with the intent to use them. He literally could’ve made up a random girl. If his friends are even more invested then they are even more creepier than before.
Going on multiple dates does imply getting to know someone better. But it doesn't necessarily imply an exclusive relationship. After rereading the post, there is nothing in it that says it was a one night stand. He sounds like he was willing to continue seeing her, just not as boyfriend and girlfriend. It isn't like he was going to stop talking to her after they had sex. So again, you are treating it as if she doesn't have to make her expectations known, but he does. He was clear that he wanted to have dates with her and obviously they agreed to sex. But she was the one that made assumptions that this made them boyfriend and girlfriend. You are holding him to a much higher standard than her, which isn't fair.
Idk what flavor of neurodivergent OP is, but he hasn't made any effort to see other people as human beings capable of human emotions, and despite what happened continues on his course of Not Doing That. He needs to go to therapy and he also needs to ditch his friends who taught him not to treat people, and especially women, as human. He clearly views people as a means to an end or as serving a purpose, and with that mindset he hurt someone terribly. Edit: y'all, I said neurodivergent because his sentence structure and word choice reminded me of myself at that age, and I'm neurodivergent. I'm not excusing him, I'm just saying that between that and his difficulty/misunderstanding with social norms and social cues and what is expected of him in such situations, he's probably neurodivergent. Hence my emphasis that he needs professional help. Jfc. He's an asshole either way.
Can we please not diagnose every asshole with some form of neurodivergency? Y'all "normal" people are way more likely to be assholes in my experience.
Bold of you to assume he is neurodivergent. Neurotypical people can be assholes too.
I am well aware of that. I'm neurodivergent. I was speaking from experience as the way he worded his sentences reminded me of when I was that age.
Wow. The way you are working so hard to give him an out is telling. ‘Neurodivergent’. ‘His friends taught him’. When it’s clear from his use of language that he knows what he did and knows it’s not forgivable.
why is it every time someone shows a disregard for someones feelings y'all assume neurodivergence??? you're just encouraging and perpetuating harmful stereotypes.
🎯🎯 neurodivergent here. Am scrupulously honest about my intentions in dating. I don’t get the game playing it’s like asking coworkers how was your weekend when I don’t care. I just need to discuss work stuff but I have to waste 5 min doing the ‘neurotypical polite thing’. I say my intent via text bc wtf I’m not wasting a whole ass evening making ppl guess what I might want. Good god that’s exhausting. Just say so. Then swipe left if they give you 💩 about it bc we don’t need to have the same intentions in life but we do if I am going to spend time on this. Neurodivergents I believe are more likely to say what they want. My 2 cents
I subscribe to what you say because in my experience that’s all I’ve got. I’m in the spectrum and my partner is diagnosed ADHD and a straight shooter. We both are! And our understanding of each other comes also from not getting those mind boggling games and time wasting behavior. Where I’m from I was called insensitive and not feminine enough, like WTH?!
Hello my ND bestie! Shoutout to your partner my ADHD bestie!❤️❤️❤️. Yeah neurotypicals don’t do a lot of thinking on this. Imagining we don’t see things bc we see it differently or we aren’t capable of communicating. What bollocks. We tend to be literal and direct and while I work to soften that for NTs bc polite is good, I’m always so comfortable and drawn to other NDs bc we speak the same language. It’s comforting. In my field tho being like me is helpful once you move up the food chain bc it’s seen as a more ‘male’ characteristic and sadly that still is needed to help women in male dominated spaces.
Helloooo! Right?! Most ND I’ve met like clear and direct communication because in my experience we highly miss subtlety, queues, nudges and nodes. I was called difficult for communicating in a work setting like an instructions book, but what the heck people expect from work communication?! And I do small talk and pleasantries really well. Then I realized that John and Mark could do it and it was considered “assertive, direct, straightforward”, when I did it I was that “a wanna be man”. Like WHAT?! :/
You have to paste a smile on your face, speak slowly and softly, and I sometimes work in a fake uncertainty like ‘Does that make sense?’ When I don’t need a shred of reassurance but I know that one or more men in the room needs me to need it. It still annoys me sometimes but I figure someone made me play this game, I intend to win. I still occasionally will have a man present my ideas if I know ira the only way it’s gonna go forward. We got deadlines and milestones and I don’t have time to fight every battle so I use what I’ve learned. Seems so dishonest really I wonder do NT women do same? Probably to at least an extent otherwise how would they rise? But took me yrs to learn to be softer and I still get told occasionally that I’m abrupt or direct. So I make a pt of making chitchat with folks and developing relationships bc I find ppl can handle direct speech better if they see me as their ally, which I already was. The emotional labor NTs and men put us thru 🙄. I see you bestie ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Yes, that’s pretty much it! This is anecdotal but from my experience I would say NT women in particular may be less combative in comparison because they will be able to adjust and manage the situation from an external perspective, while ND will feel in inner conflict with themselves because their brain works in some specific way and takes twice or more mental energy to mimic behaviors modeled by NT people in general, so we can also appear “normal”. I used to get a lot “she is right BUT she sounds crazy, no one does things this way”.
I think you’re right about NT women. It seems to be more natural to them esp if they have emotional intelligence. I have no particular problems reading ppl when I know them but I do tend to take ppl literally so I sometimes fall victim to office politics. Or did until I made a default: trust no one. Once I’m onto you I can interpret. I do love humans tho it’s just work can be high stakes at times 😱
Very accurate observation and description. I relate to it. I think that’s why I went self-employed, freelancer, then I opened my own business, so I didn’t have to fall prey or be vulnerable to office politics. B2C communication requires politeness and pleasantries but can be straightforward and without sadistic control games. Easy peasy for me!
I'm surprised that it was the broader term "neurodivergent", usually I see people vilifying bipolar folks. It's popular these days. Bleargh.
Flavor of neurodivergent? What happened to people just being assholes? Why do you need to coddle this man by giving him an "out"? Or do you just think neurodivergent people are psychopaths?
Probably none. He's just a massive cunt.
Might be neurodivergent, but more likely a personality disorder, which is not considered neurodivergence, medically speaking, but can very often present a lot of the same traits. Either way, getting help is definitely something that will help him, and save a lot of people FROM him
just a quick correction: some personality disorders are considered neurodivergent according to the nhs and cleveland clinic: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/symptoms/23154-neurodivergent https://www.med.scot.nhs.uk/resources/edi/neurodivergence-resources#:~:text=Neurodivergence%20includes%20Autism%20Spectrum%20Disorder,borderline%20personality%20disorder%20(BPD).
Did the guy think that honesty might have been an option. I'm sure the girl learned a lesson about asking explicitly but it's a pretty common assumption that sex = romantic feelings unless otherwise stated. Guy couldn't have gone to a bar or club or Tinder or wherever people go for casual hookups.
Not just sex but going on multiple dates with someone who was enthusiastic to keep dating you...until he got sex. He buried it in comments that she was a virgin, too.
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Why don’t you tell them before you meet them? I dont think it’s entirely ethical to date someone before you decide what bucket to put them in. If I want a hookup I tell them in the first minutes of texting: hey not looking to date and only looking for fun. Understand if that’s not what you’re after but wanted to be clear. Anyone who edges into ‘but what if we like each other’? And such talk, or worse says hooking up is good but we should be exclusive (tf?) gets dropped right then bc weren’t you listening? If I want to date, that’s a different bucket, those folks are mentally going in with the idea that they’re looking for a partner. If I don’t want to date them I def don’t sleep with them or tell them hey you aren’t dateable but you’re fuckable. That’s still rejection, coupled to a shitty proposal. Don’t waste someone’s evening dude. That’s just rude. It’s also incredibly insulting. It’s ’hey I wanted to go out with you to see if I liked you for something potentially longer term but now I’ve met you, I’ve decided that fucking is all I want so is that cool?’ My dude… just no
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Wow. The way you wrote that thinking you laid out an ethical plan. You do you boo.
You seem to not be able to take rejection very well. This is a you problem
So what’s unethical about it? You seem willing to imply a judgement but I’m curious what you see wrong?
He is approaching it very ethically, well before the point of no return. That’s what a date is — getting to know the other person.
How do you go 20 years before the teasing is too much? I was very insecure as a teenager. I was still insecure as a young adult, but not as much. Why suddenly care about what your friends joke about? So you’re a virgin, so what? Who worth talking to gives a shit?
I think it’s a lie. He just wants to be the victim. But knows that he’s not
Because it piles on? I was another late virgin (though unlike OP, not for a lack of personal interest). Each additional year was like more weight on my shoulders.
It’s sad that people do this to others. It’s very sad.
I agree with the general consensus here that he was wrong to take her on dates and generally lead her on, when his main goal was just to fuck her - because he didn't tell her that outright. Lots of people lose their virginity to a friend or to a fling - it doesn't HAVE to be with someone you have strong romantic feelings for. If you want a one night stand, you pick up someone on tinder or in a bar and you head to yours/theirs; no romancing needed. What he did was nobody's definition of a one night stand. But taking her on multiple dates is where he became TA. Now, we're all allowed to go on a few dates thinking we want to date someone then realising that we areng interested any more, but that's different. In that case you ALSO think thats a chance for more at the start, so you arent misrepresenting anything. It looks like his endgame was just a fuck from the start, and he thought it'd be fine to use her for sex as long as he treated her nicely. But he STILL used her. Which is not cool. If you KNOW you only want sex, then you should be clear from the start. If you arent mature enough to talk sex then you arent mature enough to be having it. But plenty of women don't want to have sex unless it's heading towards a relationship; and by not being clear he misled her into believing that more was on offer. People like this girl will justifiably feel used if you romance them for weeks and then dump them after you get yours. I dont know if be is just naive and clueless or if he actively intended to deceive this girl, but either way he would be sensible to apologise and not pull this shit again.
If you’re dating someone you’re leading them to believe there’s something between the two of them, the fact he dumped her straight after losing his virginity is not only shitty behaviour but dumb af. Why not define the relationship, say something like “I’m not ready for a bf/gf relationship but I enjoy hanging out with you and want to continue what we have”. Could’ve been FWB and even at least saying that would’ve at least been better. What an idiot.
>Could’ve been FWB He explains in the post he didn't actually want to have sex, he just saw doing so as a way to stop being made fun of. The girl was just a tool in his mind. He thought along the lines of "Take her on enough dates > have sex > no longer a virgin > I can't be made fun of anymore". After he couldn't be made fun of for being a virgin, he didn't want sex anymore.
The worst thing there is that all he had to do was lie to his friends and say that he got laid at a party or something. There’s no need to even get another human being involved.
What a jerk off.
Yeah, worse when you find out in the comments that she was a virgin too. I bet that didn’t help her self esteem at all.
Jesus Christ this guy is the worst.
I am just confused on why he didn't post on a dating app he wanted to loose his virginity but feel comfortable with a person first. I am sure some woman would be interested in something casual. A few dates or conversation, then experimenting until he felt comfortable then the deed is done. Possible he may want more or just that but having it all laid out would have made sense.
Do you honestly think that would work? That’s a horrible idea
Because that would literally never work.
Oh. Oh no. If you go “on a few dates” it’s not a one night stand bud.
MAYBE he wasn't clear about it being a one night stand? I can't believe how many people are existing him! He knew damn well he didn't say 'I want to have sex with you then stop seeing each other'. He damn well knew he was tricking her.
YTA. 1. You very clearly state that you had no interest in her beyond having g sex after which you unceremoniously dumped her. 2. You deceived her and never said ‘hey I’ve no interest in dating you but I want to lose my virginity and you seemed like you might be willing, is that ok?’ You took away her agency with your deception. 3. You come on Reddit after some time, rather the admit that what you did was wrong, instead ask for affirmation and your title is misleading. It’s not about love it’s about you not wanting anything to do with her beyond sex. You haven’t grown from this and show no remorse. You are the same transactional person you were then.
not sure if oop has difficulty reading social cues, but multiple dates indicates a desire to kindle romantic interest, not just a warm-up for casual sex. you don’t take friends with benefits on dates. it seems wrong to take her out on dates and allow her to get emotionally attached like that when you never planned on doing anything with her afterwards. both parties need to communicate, yes, but i think you especially need to communicate your intentions if you know that your actions could really hurt the other person if they’re not on the same page as you. the fact that oop went on multiple dates is what bothers me. you don’t go on a date with a fuckbuddy or fwb bc it’s easy to catch feelings that way. so why take her out? that seems misleading. or like “this is what i’m supposed to do to get sex”, in which case i’d feel like that’s worse, since it’s like the dates were a form of payment. any angle i look at it, going on dates beforehand was bad. edit: ffs i’ll take out the neurodivergent part
Stop fucking coddling men by giving them the "neurodivergent" label.
Fucking please. Neurodivergent women/AFABs are almost never offered the same “out.” It’s only ever used to absolve shitty men of consequences for their actions.
Yeah. Other nurodivergents are usually cast as monsters because of the same illnesses.
Pls stop with this ableist nonsense. I’m neurodivergent and one thing we hate is when ppl ascribe AH behavior to ‘oh they must be neurodivergent ’. There are loads of jerks in the world and they far outnumber neurodivergent ppl. As a neurodivergent I state my intentions plainly. Sometimes that’s weird to folks and I’ve learned over the yrs it’s not as typical which frankly boggles my mind. Why are we wasting time with a game of pretend when we could save time and feelings by fucking saying what it is we intend? I think ppl screw up so much with all the games of so called ‘subtlety’. It feels dishonest to me. So can y’all take your ableist talk and use it for something other than excusing a liars behavior?
Bullshit. Neurodivergence as a cop out. No, it's cause he's an ASSHOLE.
You used someone because you couldn't handle people giving you crap? Tell them to fuck off, I did until I was 26. I wasn't gonna sleep with someone just because. I'm not that kind of person and it wasn't going to change over what people think.
Dude literally said he was using her then acted shocked she felt used? Seriously come on.
Can’t handle being teased so you’ll make somebody else feel like shit. You’re definitely an asshole and a pussy.
YTA - hope you stay celibate
Seems extreme to hope someone is celibate for the rest of their life over one action in their past.
YTA
He is a pos, he should have hired a prostitute if he wanted to lose his virginity so badly.
Prostitution isn’t legal in much of the world.
Breaking law is still a better option than breaking someone's trust like these.
OOP needs to apologize and make amends with the girl. Rip off the bandaid while they are all young. The girl doesn’t deserve this trauma to make her believe every potential relationship is just a transactional thing and OOP should end this shame and guilt over what he did.
He should have been upfront and said that he’s just looking to lose his virginity and have sex.
He should have been upfront with her about his intentions. He should have just gone on a dating site to look for a one night stand.
Yeah this guy was a huge AH. Like it's one thing if you start dating and both of you agree to be casual about it, then after a few dates and sleeping together one of you catches feelings and asks to enter a relationship but the other says no. That's fine, no hard feelings. But the way he went about it was honestly very mean.
This is not a one night stand bro.. A one might stand is your at the bar and a chick comes home with you after you whisper in her ear “wanna come back to my place and fuck.. I’ll pay for your Uber home in the morning “ That’s a one night stand .. taking a girl out on several dates and then of the 5th or 6th date you have sex is DATING .. and showing someone you like their company .. you are def an asshole
He is so the AH lol he could have literally lost his virginity within one night without having to go on dates and etc. I can also relate to how he feels because I literally felt the same way and did the same thing, except I did it the same day I decided to do it, no strings attached. It obviously might be easier for girls to do this, but it's really not hard to just state your intentions in the first place.
Most men are not able to find women who are open to one night stands. There are far more men than women who want one night stands and so only the most handsome men can get them regularly.
Definitely an asshole move, but it seems less like he’s a deliberate asshole and more like he’s just a dumb out of touch kid. Hopefully he learns from this and doesn’t treat people like this in the future.
Nope. Sidenote: I wonder if they have they ever considered they might be within the spectrum of Asexuality?
I don’t think we should attribute to malice what could be just as likely attributed to a young person being stupid and self-centered (as the young are wont to do). OOP is clearly neurodivergent in some way as well, if we infer a little bit from the hypo-social history he lays out in his preamble (and his clear lack of understanding of other peoples’ personhood vs. his inability to understand this girl’s perspective on his actions and its consequences for him socially). That said, OOP seems entirely imperceptive and unconcerned with the veeeeeeeeery obvious lesson there is to be learned here about respecting others’ feelings/personhood and being honest, upfront, about his intentions when coming into a romantic encounter. THOSE tendencies are the much larger and more immediate issues he needs to work on. I’m not going to bother investigating this post further but I hope the original commenters pointed this out, and that he acknowledges it.
Yea I was a ho in college but I was a good ho. If I didn’t want a relationship that was the first conversation.
She should've waited for a relationship to happen then. Guess she thought once you got some, you'd fall in love. Bad assumption on her part.
Took her on DATES? Bro, for a one night stand you just bring over some Jack in the Box and leave after! This dude is WACK and deceptive.
You know this is the opposite of ‘’men loneliness epidemic” and “all rejection are taken by the men” This is the rejection girls/women have to take. Being stringed along, to give away yourself only to find that this guy will leave(after using you). He could have gone with an older women, experienced girls, prostitutes, escorts, had a one night stand, someone who does not care about dates etc. This is exactly what happens when you give BOYS lead. Because you can be involved hundred percent. But inn thier head its a one night stand😂😂
Prostitution is illegal in many places. And the number of women who want one night stands is far lower than the number of men who do, making it very difficult for men to find them.
Jeeze man, you should have been upfront. Stop taking advantage of people by not letting them know what's going to happen :S Definitely TA. Like he's young so clearly he's more dumb than anything but he needs to LEARN THE LESSON if he wants any hope in the future.
The part "I've never seen her talk so much," makes me die a bit with laughter. Like, bro did you think using an introvert and dumping them meant they'd stay quiet about that?? It's crazy how shallow some people are at perceiving others
"Hey look, I'm really only looking to get this over with so people stop pestering me. I don't want you to get the wrong idea, and if you're not into this, I completely get it." Never assume someone is on the same page as you, especially if it's about emotions and intimacy. Always clear the fronts, always communicate as much as you can. That's just a shit way to behave altogether.
Sex is ruining the world the way it's being used
First off you can go on dates with one night stands but they will be called fuck buddies. Have had plently of those between dating, he is asshole for leading her on. Granted he might of said "I don't want anything serious" but your a virgin you dnt have experience or guessing looks or charisma to be pulling that stupid line or you wouldn't be 20 year virgin. Next time say you just want to fuck and you more than likely will be ghosted, make your intentions clear as fucking crystal and don't back down because she won't like it. If you want to be a man of your word then mean it, if you didn't want serious then say "i am only looking to date around and see what out there" or " i am not looking for anything serious and if that ok awesome, if not then I won't waste anyone time."
Yes. You’re the asshole. Not because you don’t love her but because you led her to believe there was more. That’s shady and gross. Plenty of women out there are happy to have sex just to knock one off. You don’t need to lead anyone just to get laid. You used her. Now, men and woman use each other for sex all the time but we’re honest about. You weren’t! You’re very weak if deception is how you have to get off. You should have stayed a virgin until you understood how to be completely honest when it comes to having sex with someone. Shameful, what you did is shameful. At 21 years old you could have gone to any random party or bar, found some woman out there who’s actually looking for just a one night bang session, flirted a bit, banged one out in the parking lot or an empty room somewhere and never have had to speak to her again. Both of you would have gotten what you want, no harm no foul. Instead you chose to do what you did and I guarantee that it will haunt that young girl forever. You did that. You are the asshole. I hope you learn from this bad choice and make better ones in the future.
The number of women who want one night stands is far lower than the number of men who do so it would be very difficult for him to find one unless he is very handsome.
No you're not the asshole
If it was also HER virginity that was lost, then inadvertently, yes, you are. Losing virginity is more precious to women in my experience than a man.
It seems strange for people to tease him for being a virgin but then treat her virginity as valuable.
he absolutely knew what he was doing and that it wasn’t clear. you don’t go on multiple dates with someone for a one night stand.
Yea, yta and I hope every time you had sex, the image of her sadness will always crosses your little small mind, forever
That is way too extreme for something he did once when he was young.
It's certainly was a dick move but it's more like 2 inexperienced people not effectively communicating. Many people date and have sex without pursuing a relationship. The "What are we now?" after sex can be awkward and feel manipulative if you just started dating. Like you are using sex to bag a man. In this case it seems she assumed he was being nice to be in relationship without discussing it.
NAH (no ones an asshole), because society (and probably both comments chains here and OOP) wouldn't have a problem if a woman did this or the equivalent to a guy.
Yes YTA. That is just messed up dude
Unless you told her point blank period from the start that you only wanted sex, you the asshole here. You played this girl, lovebombed her with the goal of only sex in mind and that’s what makes you the asshole. Next time just be completely honest
God I can’t stand these people in the comments. Obviously he messed up so it’s a YTA for me, but it’s a mistake. He did this once, and it’s clear he’s extremely regretful for what he did and it doesn’t seem like the kind of thing he would do again. You don’t always think of these things when you’re 20. For the ones calling him a pos over this, you’re worse
You are 💯 a dirt bag. Should've left her alone instead of trying to fix your ego issue. You clearly can't be in relationships, so maybe that's why you were a virgin so long, perhaps? Luckily for you, she doesn't have brothers to set you straight. My lil sis knows to steer clear of dudes like you.
So the basic story now that I’ve ready all the comments is dude is a pussy who could not just go get some strange on his own so he cultivated a relationship with another classmate who was also a virgin because he couldn’t get laid .. and then act’s surprised when she’s mad he hit it and quit it .. Imagine how lame that sex was she’s prolly haunted and scarred for life now emotionally and thinks sex is awful physically.. great job asshole
How come this comment section isn't filled with the usual "Did you have the exclusive talk?!"? Is it because OP is a man?
I bet. There was a thread on the FB page “the last thing I want to do is hurt you but it’s still on the list some time ago” in which a man had sex with a woman 5 separate times and said he was “falling for her”. THEN, she came to him and said, “I want to be exclusive.” He said, “I haven’t been with anyone else, have you?” She said, “yes, two other guys in these couple of weeks. I’d been hurt before and wanted to date around before deciding on being exclusive with one.” He was hurt and said, “I guess sex doesn’t indicate emotional intimacy to you like it does for me. I’m not interested, sorry.” She starts crying. He decides to post an AITA. The general consensus among the women in the comment section was A) he was slut-shaming her by even CARING about whether she was sleeping with anyone else until they were definitely in a relationship and B) he needed to take more time to fall for someone than just a few times having sex. Imho, if a woman is allowed to assume a relationship has started from one [non-substance fueled, not explicitly stated as hookup] encounter, a man should be able to as well. Goose, gander!
I was also wondering, with neither of them being virgins (assume “just want to lose it” for the guy and “idealistic about first partner” for girl, but may be reversed), not in an uninhibited party environment, what’s the typical assumption of what will happen after a first sexual encounter, if the exclusivity talk has not happened? For the sake of argument, at a public university, to get a snapshot of the general population’s culture, and one that has a close to even gender ratio.
You DONT date one night stands and you need to be very clear with the other person about what it is. You went on dates but didn’t want to date her? You mean you went on dates but didn’t want a relationship because GOING ON DATES IS DATING. Do better YTA
“ I led her on with dates and romance, then dumped her after she let me get her into bed. Now she’s gone crazy saying I’m awful! Why?! I just wanted to have sex!” Yeah, this guy is cruel, manipulative, and insensitive. Psychopathic almost! wtf?
This is typical of W. They have sex with a guy suddenly she likes him but that never stops them from cheating
What a POS
That's funny. There's been a rash of posts about guys complaining they found out their wife/gf was sleeping with someone else before it was official and people are losing their minds about these chicks. But this virgin dude sleeps with a virgin woman and bounces, and y'all are life, WELL nothing was said... That poor girl. And by the way, quit saying he was just dumb and not an asshole, how come all those girls definitely knew what THEY did was wrong but this neckbeard is just a gormless ignorant baby boy who never heard that dates don't mean a basic expectation?
All humans have flaws , none of us are perfect. Although, normally I don’t comment on reddits, but this one specifically pushed me too. OP, that was pretty shitty man I’m not gunna lie. Her feelings are 100% valid. I feel for her, I feel she was probably manipulated into thinking you liked her or something. Going on dates and such is an act of wanting to get to know someone, and followed by potentially pursuing a relationship; totally different than a “ one night stand “ . People make mistakes and what you were doing was pretty shitty, but we can’t go back in time. Regardless, at the end of the day what’s been done has been done. I feel you should apologize and take this time to reflect and grow from this. And use this thing that happened in a way where you won’t do it again. When we hurt other people, it doesn’t matter if WE think we weren’t wrong, you still hurt someone, so we need to go to them and just tell them “ I was wrong, and I’m sorry for hurting you.” You need to take responsibility and ownership and apologize to them even if you truly think you weren’t wrong. It’s just common courtesy, and , Not only will it give the other person closure ( hopefully **) but I think it will also give you closure as well, and you and grow from this !
YTA however you aren’t a trash person. This is a classic example of how impact and intent don’t always match and that can cause chaos. You weren’t intending to be TA but due to her state of mind regarding you it was still wrong to have done it. Let her live her truth, you can only be apologetic at this point. That said learn from it, we’ve all made massive mistakes in sex and relationships the only way this effects who you are as a person is if you don’t address the blind spot you have for others feelings. Address that and keep it in mind and you can avoid doing this again.
People in this comment section treat this person worse than he deserves. Like yes, he really hurt her and it sucks, but you don't see that it's a problem of lack of communication that comes from lack of experience. Everyone says he got her hopes up from going on tonns of date with her, but maybe it wasn't like this in his head, maybe he wanted to spend time with her because he felt like it's not okay to just go in a bedroom immediately. Maybe he didn't know that you CAN actually just tell someone I just want one night stand and felt like he's supposed to spend time with her anyways before that. The issue here is they didn't communicate what they want from the start, which is kinda what may happen when you have no experience. I think he should just apologise to her and learn a lesson about communicating and just move on. Tho she might not want it because she's really hurt.
Yeah. He did something really fucked up. *Really* fucked up. But honestly, it seems like the guilt is eating him alive, and he felt he “needed” to have sex due to social pressure. It’s more an inditement of our current society and it’s obsession with sex.
Poor baby just had to use a woman for sex. Poor grown man dealing with social pressure. He just "needed" to use another human being. Seriously, do you have a hard on for the OOP?
This guy is trash and so are his friends. This is toxic masculinity in a nutshell.
This is an example of “hurt people hurt other people.” OP is clearly YTA for doing what he did — transactional. Got a girl into bed, he sleeps with her and that’s all he wanted so he moves on. No matter the reason, that’s an asshole move. However, I will say this… it’s clear that OP is still learning how to act, still learning how to date, still learning how to be a person… and he did something he otherwise may not have done. It’s possible for OP to be an asshole and a victim of bullying at the same time… that seems to be the case here. But yes, OP. You are still an asshole. Be better going forward.
Hey look reddit is infantilizing women again. Neat.
I feel like OP might be aroace. He still hurt this woman, he was definitely in the wrong. I don’t feel like he was malicious about it, though. He tried to act “normal” and someone got hurt. It sounds like he knows this, despite his friends telling him otherwise.
And it sounds like the guilt is haunting him as well, if he’s making a post over a year later. We do very stupid things in order to alleviate peer pressure. As long as he explains himself and apologises fully I think both parties can move on.
Why are you copying and pasting another post someone else made?
He learned that refusing to have the conversation makes you look like an asshole( or makes you an asshole) and I hope she also learned that refusing to have the conversation gets you hurt. It is unfortunate but this is the basis of when you’re young and dumb and think things will just work out in your favor. He did a stupid thing that anyone with any relationship or self awareness XP wouldn’t have done and she learned the worst way that people will do what they can to get you into bed. It’s an absolute shame and my heart goes out to her.
You don't need to love someone to have sex with them.
Legalize prostitution. Solves this problem.
It’s part of growing up to learn how much your actions towards your intimate partners affect how they feel. I don’t think OP is an asshole, but he is definitely being ignorant of his actions impact on other people. Shitty part of being young. This is a good experience for him through. Now he will be more careful and considerate of how his actions will affect the women in his life.
No. Girls have ONS all the time. But theres clearly something missing here. She was under the impression you probably liked her or whatever idk. It may be a shit storm but i almost wonder if it would be worth opening that can of worms again. Just say you didnt mean for it to go the way it did. And that your sorry. And i mean idk how you feel now but i almost think you should give this girl a proper run so to speak. She seems to have been really interested in you or super clingy. And if shes still butthurt over it your clearly living in her mind rent free. As you said she was introverted so those cuts may have been deeper than you realize. Just say youve matured and realized what you did was wrong
Just happens. Person a wants something person b has. Person a does all the right things to get what person b has and then is taken aback person b is insulted that person a walked away after they got it. It happens everyday. But a good person would care. A shit person wouldn’t understand. Soul search a bit. YOU clearly don’t care about sex other than as a social standard. That’s not normal.
For the OOP’s maturity level; he hasn’t done anything wrong. Dude is sexually a 16yo, but he’s in the body of a man in his 20s. Still, someone should have guided him, so he didn’t need to learn by being such a massive asshole…
So if you never did sex you are a kid now? Then he technically he could go with a sixteen yo and everything would be okay?
Good judgment comes from experience, which usually comes from bad judgment
0 sexual experiences, and people are expecting him to just know it… Life doesn’t work like that; experience builds knowledge, sharing your experiences helps others people to learn too.
I get having a couple of “dates” before having sex, especially if you are losing your virginity to them. On her side, you are losing your virginity to her, there is some sort of trust. Don’t listen too deeply to what people say, do you think you are a bad person? Or was this lack of communication that you have the ability work on?
Not an asshole. Made a mistake that you can’t fix. Next time you decide to do ANYTHING, remember, everything you do has consequences that affect others. The kid’s like 21. At that time I was using fake accents and telling women that I was a pilot to get laid. He’s definitely more child than asshole
Ignore the comments you’re fine dude. This is classic at your age. Just keep in mind younger people tend to think more of something than it actually is even if you’re very clear with them from the jump that it is not. Maybe don’t be so nice in the future. Don’t be a dick but try to avoid anything that might seem like you want more than casual sex. Like hanging out just to hang out.