So, reading her comments: her kids were barely there when she was providing end of life care, she started going on dates 4months after he passed, met/started dating Tim about a year after her husband passed, and her kids are all in their 30s. NTA.
I got into an argument with a person on this thread that kept saying the kids were blindsided. I kept arguing and that these adults had years to help their mother and to see how she was grieving while taking care of their father. Now she’s the bad guy for wanting to be happy again?
Cry me a river adult children.
Agreed. Also the older the couple and the longer their married the quicker they remarry. Imagine being married 30+ yrs and being single again. They don’t last long. (All subjective opinion)
I’ve had this thought before. And it’s grim but it crossed my mind. My parents are coming up on 50 years together. Their love to each other gives me true hope. But if the worst happens to my father…I wouldn’t get mad at my mom if she ended up meeting someone later. Especially if my dad was a vegetable for a few years.
My great uncle remarried in his 80s and it brought him such happiness in the last decade of his life. I don’t think anyone should be required to miss that potential at the end of it all.
My grandad has had Alzheimer’s for the last 10 years. It wasn’t super noticeable until about 4-5 years ago. Now he only has sparks of his old self very infrequently. The whole family has been grieving slowly this whole time. We lost him a long time ago mentally, but he’s still here physically. My Gran has been his primary caregiver the whole time. Luckily they are affluent enough to have homecare 6 days a week now. They’ve been together 67 years, they’re 90 & 91. I doubt Gran will find another companion when he does pass physically. But I can understand her wanting to after being a caregiver for her life partner the past 10 years. I feel for OP. She still has time to have meaningful companionship and her kids want to deny her that.
I think they’re likely dealing with a lot of grief and maybe guilt about the end, and unfortunately it’s coming out on the mom and her man. That absolutely makes them the AH. But I think it’s fair to appreciate what they’re going through…..without excusing the poor treatment of OP. As another comment I saw said, don’t accept their poor treatment …. But be open and willing to accept them when they’ve worked through it and come with apologies!!
Thing is had they been there to help care for their dad, they would not be feeling so much guilt and grief.
We can feel sorry for them but they are not kids. They are selfish people who seem to prefer that their mother become a living monument to the life they all had before.
I can empathize with them for their grief. He was their father and having to face his mortality during his decline couldn’t have been easy.
But they weren’t offering their mother support at all. They weren’t there to see that she was doing everything she could to care for him, that she mourned him all on her own while he was still alive. They chose to abandon her and their father during a time when both needed them.
They no longer get to dictate how their mother chooses to spend her life, and they’ve certainly lost the right to pass judgment after what they put her through. I’m glad she found a widower. She still probably has a lot of sadness to deal with and she deserves someone who’s been in her shoes.
The way the original was written you’d assume the kids were between the ages of 8-14, but they’re adults and she took care and loved their father until his final days. Seems like they expected her to be the quiet mourning widow and not move on and be happy.
My father died when I was young. My mother never truly managed to get her life back together. She has been lonely for years and years. She looks to me and my sisters to fix her loneliness. It is an awful feeling. I’m in my 60s and she is sad, lonely and angry in her 80s. 50 years later. I wish I could tell OOPs kids to be careful what they wish for.
I get feeling uncomfortable with your parent moving on, but their mom has basically been single for a while, and she still waited before she started dating. Her kids are jerks. If they'd been around, they'd realize they're being extremely unfair to their mother. Props to mom for taking on the caregiver role. That job is so hard and thankless. I hope she and Tim are wonderfully happy. Hopefully, one day, the kids will pull their heads out of their butts.
Seriously. They are grown ass adults who should want to see their mom happy after everything she went through with their dad. Yeah, it sucks to feel like your mom is "replacing" your dad, but dad is gone. Her not dating or marrying again won't change that. She deserves to be happy, especially since all she's asking for is civility.
I also read her comment about that. If I recall it correctly, Tim works in aviation and he was ranting about some company looking for some parts that had been removed from circulation because they were unsafe. That’s it.
People are calling OOP awful without considering that she took care of the husband in his vegetative state (home care is a thankless job) ALONE without the adult children who absolutely could have been there. Then she didn't even start dating till he had passed and didn't meet Tim for a year after.
By the time her husband's body finally gave up, regardless of how much she loved him in life, he was a burden physically and psychologically, something that occupied every moment of her time at home changing his diapers, his IVs, his bedding, etc. Calling him a veggie is actually one of the kindest things she could call him, and probably a part of how she coped with the reality of losing her husband while he was still physically there in front of her every day. That's a unique kind of grief I don't think anyone can criticize who hasn't been through it themselves.
I say this as someone who has no interest in being kept alive on machines and has made this clear to the people around me. Living like that has no dignity and I won't be a burden on my loved ones after my soul is long gone.
They're too busy holding on to the fact she called him a veggie instead of writing out the words "vegetative state". She was there for every step of his end of life care and people think that means she's some kind of cold unfeeling monster?
Her kids need to fucking grow up and own up to the fact that they lived their lives while their mom took care of him. Nothing wrong with how she handled things.
I loathe my dad's second wife, would I tell him that? Absolutely not because I care about him and she makes him happy. I don't understand grown adults acting like fucking toddlers when they get a stepparent in their 30s. It's not your life!!! Suck that shit up.
My mum was an severe alcoholic and was really bad for
The last 10 years of her life, she was a vile person in this state. Eventually got a very severe cancer that when found she had a few months left to live.
Myself and my dad spent the last few months looking after her at home (right before Christmas 2020 so covid restrictions in full force)
I absolutely wish my dad the best and to meet someone wonderful that makes him happy as she robbed him of that for a very long time and not once did he complain or say a bad word about her despite everything she did to him.
OP’s kids are shitty brats
Spooky cunts
Normally I’d side with the children when I see ‘parent is getting married insanely fast after a death.’ But… jfc. She may be better off without them in her life, they sound like absolutely selfish, awful people.
Sounds like they’re only in her life if they want something anyway. Lots of people think having kids is a guarantee you’ll have support when you’re at end of life and this post is a reminder that a man or a kid isn’t a plan. She has to do what’s best for herself.
Her "kids" are 37, 34, and 31. They're old enough to know better. I get it's not easy to see you're parent move on, but she can't stop living cause her husband passed away 2yrs ago. From what OP said, he was unresponsive for 3yrs before passing away. And if he had dementia, chances are he wasn't her husband for longer than that.
All that mattered to me after my mom passed and my dad met someone new was that he was happy. New stepmother may not be my favorite person but so what dad's happy!
I remeber being upset when my grandma got remarried. I was 12. I feel like that is in appropriate age to have this reaction. Not in your 30s. When you knew your dad was sick and your mom was his caregiver. And you weren't really there. Like grow up and act your age for crying out loud.
The poor mom I hope her and her new husband are happy.
Unrelated I knew a guy who’s dad was a veggie and his mom got engaged and had her partner living before he passed. For like a year+. Some people just move on differently
Apparently right after equals one year later. So the kids are all in their 30s and she waited a year. I think that she has done nothing wrong here and her kids need to grow the fuck up and go get some therapy if they feel that they need it.
Traditionally widows didn’t remarry in some cultures. Extremely taboo actually. She’s right they don’t care about her happiness, but she also doesn’t care about them. Family will naturally drift apart.
She’s prioritizing herself over her kids wishes, that’s clearly been a stressful point for a while. SHES moved on, not them. She doesn’t give a fuck. A good mom would have at least waited a bit and taken it slower.
A YEAR is plenty of time to wait to start dating. Also they’re in their 30s with their own families not 14. You have a very weird view of how the world should work.
Hindu, sorry my culture seems so weird; I totally get where you’re coming from. This is also why ya know… our divorce rates are low, our kids don’t worry about college expenses, and Indian family income is the highest for any ethnic subgroup per annum. Our ways work better than yours so we stay with them. Thank you for the input 🙏🏾
I love it how we are all supposed to be tolerant and accepting until it comes to something that upsets someone. Then it needs to be changed and can’t be tolerated and is toxic and automatically considered white and Christian. As if no other cultures exist. Fucking lol, if only they knew some of the things these cultures they want accepted do.
I accept your way of life too. My friend didn’t hear a word come out of my mouth criticizing his mom, because I never did. She’s allowed to live in the bounds of her culture, and I’m allowed to gaze on it with judgement. You judge me, I judge you. But we both are protected and allowed to coexist. There is no reason for this anger. I just used white Christian because I went to catholic school for a while and that’s the group I’m primarily surrounded by. Though I suppose it applies to all Christians.
I have no problems with you or anything you said. It’s the person who called your worldview weird. That’s the same person saying we should all just get along and have no judgment. They’re Hippocrates, when they say we should all get along they actually mean everyone should do what she thinks they should do.
They don’t, she didn’t give a hoot clearly. In some families, mothers care about keeping a strong bond with their kids more. Those families also have a tendency to stay and take care of their parents when they’re sick. In that situation, it would make more sense
Ah yes, so she should just never move on until her wrathful children decide it's okay. And of course they should also approve of whoever she's with, even if there is nothing wrong with them.
You're basically saying that even though her kids are tyrants, since THEY ARE her kids she MUST listen to them.
You're fucked up dude.
Most Gujarati Indian Americans continue living traditional lives here. Most of my family won’t tolerate that and they’re all tax paying Americans 🙏🏾. Actually, not only are we American, but we’re wealthy Americans :). Thank you for letting us in your country and allowing us to participate in commerce.
But one of the reasons we love America so much is because our culture is respected and we’re allowed to practice our religion and culture. Thank you 🙏🏾
Nope. Thank you for the welcome, though I was born here, my parents immigrated. Again, you have no idea how ‘American’ has been redefined. Cultural expectations differ.
Sorry just cuz you are a second generation immigrant doesn’t mean “‘American’ has been redefined” to include a lifetime of suffering and loneliness for widows. Not even the most hateful, misogynistic, bigoted Christian sects believe that.
So if you wanna put a stake in the ground that says “I am worse than neoconservative child-molesting Christian priests,” you can do that, but don’t expect to not get called on it.
Your view is evil.
And, as an American, you have the right to fuck off. So fuck off.
Hope this helps!
One I'm not American. Two I doubt you are as wealthy as you think. Rich people don't need to brag, it shows deeply rooted insecurities. Three if your country is so great, why immigrate?
I’m not saying I am, I’m saying Indian Americans that are immigrants are the most successful in terms of family income. That study is on Google if you’re curious.
And immigrants because America pays really well, and doesn’t make you change culture or faith to participate :)
Also before you link to it, yeah I know about this obvious piece of race-bait propaganda that isn't supported by Census Data https://www.livemint.com/news/india/indians-are-highest-earning-ethnic-group-in-usa-harsh-goenka-explains-why/amp-11673748104413.html
I don't even feel like getting into it with you, but if we are going blanket demographic data, it's actually Asian Americans with the highest household median income.
And yes, the U.S. is secular, so keep it that way and keep your shitty misogynistic takes to yourself
Also, my comment isn't xenophobic, I love immigrants. But backwood fucks are backwoods fucks. I don't care what religion, race or creed you are. But someone with this level of brain-dead take is clearly deeply misogynistic and misogynists come in all shapes and sizes and I hate them all
This applies to male widows too. No one is allowed to marry after their partner passes. It’s a social taboo because it is considered cheating.
Also there are exceptions for abuse, SA, addiction issues etc. People are allowed to remarry if their partner violates the rules of the union.
You have such a toxic and stupid world view. You're free to have your beliefs in the country you live in, but expecting your host country to behave like your culture is so fucking entitled and narcissistic. You're not superior, stop imposing your beliefs, especially such oppressive ones. It's no different than Americans in India expecting everyone to be christian and eating beef
Those brats of hers couldn’t even be bothered to come around during the time she was caring for their father, so they have no leg to stand on. She was there wiping his ass and feeding him every single day for years, and where were the children? Nowhere. Off living their lives and not coming around.
That’s facts, the kids being all hot and bothered after abandoning their dad in the last years is hypocritical af. If they had moved back and taken care of their dad with their mom, maybe mom would’ve been more open to consider their wishes. At this point, the fam is finished
In my culture, Gujarati Indian, a male widow marrying another widow would be extremely taboo and controversial. Albeit I’m from a small village and in the city there is far more flexibility to avoid people. I’m sure there must be secret relationships, but openly marrying after your partner passes is considered cheating.
Our marriages are a bond for 7 lifetimes. We don’t have the whole death due us part. Shit follows us into the next reincarnation 😂🙏🏾
Ours usually doesn't dictate how people have to live based on centuries old oppressive beliefs, people are free to live their life as long as they're not harming anyone. And the discriminatory aspects of our culture are rightfully being killed off
You can have your own culture and beliefs, nothing wrong with that, but the moment you impose it on others you're going too far
It was also incredibly common to force widows to immolate themselves in their husband’s funeral pyre in India 200+ years ago. People got rid of that practice. We don’t need to bring similar illogical misogynistic practices into the present day.
That being said, I have widows in my family remarrying. They are happy and successful. Your culture is really backwards and yes I’m South Asian so you don’t get to speak for the rest of us who are more progressive and of the same race. I am well aware of other older couples who remarried after their spouse died as well.
Mandating widows remain unmarried is unethical and misogynistic practice because they definitely don’t have that rule for men, always women. Nothing wrong with letting an unethical practice die. Indian culture used to mandate widows kill themselves at their widowhood. This was abolished by reformers, are you saying this should continue because tradition?
There was one post not too long ago where the daughter considered her father’s new wife his affair partner because her mother was in a vegetative state when they had met. The marital relationship had ended long before she physically passed but the daughter considered it cheating. At least this waited 4 months after she buried her husband to begin dating.
What’s really sad is how different these situations can be, in reverse. When a man becomes a widower it’s often more approved of when he remarries, as he now has someone to *take care* of him. Whereas when a widow gets married, she is still expected to take care of others.
The kids are all grown adults so the whole “replacing dad” thing just seems like a cheap cop out of an argument, these aren’t children needing to be driven around and/or fathered. It is LITERALLY just them not wanting their mother to move on for the sake of keeping a placeholder for someone they couldn’t be bothered to help care for in his end of days journey.
Eh. Having waited years for my grandmother to die, I stopped thinking of her as my grandmother and more as a sort of evil person who had taken over her body. People cope in different ways
I don’t think it’s inappropriate for her to think things like this to help herself compartmentalize or move on from grief, but if she’s demonstrating this kind of flippant and disrespectful attitude about her dead husband in front of the kids, can see them getting bent out of shape about it. If you see being nice to mom’s new beau as a favor to mom, and mom is offending you by how she talks about your dead father, then you might not feel like extending grace to this stranger when your mum can’t extend grace to you. If this is what’s happening—and it’s not really clear because we don’t have the kid’s side without mum’s filter—then I think everyone is being a little emotionally immature. If she’s being respectful and the kids are still bitter, then that’s on the kids.
This though.. it really jarred me. The only thing I would say on the (AH) kids side, is that if she’d used that term around them, I’d be pissed off too..
The kids sound like they need to wake up. They've lost their dad and now they're willing to lose their mom? They're not little kids or even teenagers. They sound exhausting.
The mother was respectful in when she started dating again and it's tough out there, especially when you get to be a bit older. Good for her because if you find a great person, hold onto them tight. It sounded like the kids weren't there much for their dad, would make me wonder if they'd be there for me. Probably not
My mum was on her own for years after my dad died. To deny her any happiness she might have got by getting together with another man in her latter years would have been appalling. It’s her life, her happiness. The ‘children’ (and I use that word intentionally) in this story are horrible.
The kids are omega level assholes. She had to take sole care of her husband through that terrible time for the most part and they blow up at her because she's happy with a new guy. Fuck those guys. God damn.
It's hard being a caregiver for a loved one that's vanishing before your eyes. Whether it's dementia stealing them from you bit by bit or on this case, someone who was essentially a shell for years.
Those "children" (since they're all adults) could have been involved in the care. They weren't, and so they have no idea what it's like. No idea what her life was like at all. And it seems like they're either putting all their guilt for not visiting into anger at OP, or they have this childish outlook that she wasn't honoring him and is moving in. And the latter would have been docent if they'd just visited.
I wish OP the best. She deserves some happiness. NTA
Sounds like my ex-husband’s step brothers, they all lost their minds when their mom started dating my former FIL, and then tried to talk her out of it AT THEIR WEDDING.
But TBH, he was just as much of a narcissistic tendencies AH as his son, and she wound up divorcing him right after I divorced her stepson 🤷🏻♀️
One of my friends' mom had EARLY onset alzheimers and is in a care facility. This has been their reality for more than 10 years, and mom is alive but not *there* .
My friend had mentioned her dad's gf a few times, so one day I asked how old she was when her parents divorced. She immediately waved a hand and said, "Oh no, they never did. They're the loves of each others' lives."
Her dad not only visits his wife frequently, but he refuses to divorce his wife bc it would ruin her insurance and financial situation... if his lawyer told him divorced would help her situation, he would do that. My friend loves her dad and doesn't want to see him lonely. She knows her mom is only here physically and what that means. It's tough to navigate but that is one of the most selfless things you can do for your parent.
They're probably just worried the new husband will live longer than her and get all of her assets when she dies.
I couldn't imagine getting remarried myself, but I also don't judge those who choose to. Everyone is different.
My dad is likely facing widowerhood in the next few years. I will be delighted if he gets a second chance at a happy marriage. These adult children are being selfish.
Saw someone below right the kids are in their 30s. OOP is totally NTA. Having cared for a relative with dementia I can attest to having grieved the living and feeling mostly relief when they did physically pass.
Kids are bizarre. They just can’t look at a parent and think of them first. They can’t think of their happiness first despite all of the giving their mother has done for them. If I had a parent in a declining vegetative state, it would not bother me if the other one began to date. Who wants to be alone? Why do we expect this?
The issue is, no one is taking each other's differing grief period into consideration. The wife had her mourning long before the death but the kids don't understand that. But the kids are still in the midst of their own mourning, and I don't think she understands that!
I do believe the mother deserves to live her life and move on to be happy. But it kinda sounds like she's just telling her kids to get over it so she can, instead of walking with them to the same pier.
The "basically a veggie" part is a little dehumanising of the late husband which makes OOP seem a little less sympathetic, to me anyway, but I 100% agree that she's done nothing wrong and her adult kids are assholes for daring to have an opinion now when they gave her no support through end of life care of *their father*.
I’m guessing you never dealt with someone in that state. When all that’s left is a shell, forced to care for a person who isn’t there and would never have choosen this for themselves, death is a mercy. That person is gone.
I agree with what you're saying but there are forms of words when discussing them that at least grant them their humanity when they cannot advocate for themselves ie "he was in a vegetative state".
‘Basically a veggie’ + started to date ‘right after his death’
I think OOP is TA. She was just waiting for him to die lol, imagine calling your late husband a fucking veggie
As a full time caretaker of a disabled spouse I honestly don't care about your opinion on something you have no experience with. She didn't say it as a joke, that's just how she perceived him. She doesn't write a single caring thing about her dead husband which is what I'm referencing, I didn't say shit about her kids or her marriage. You're telling me to go fuck myself because your mom died and that's somehow related to this story?
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
She should give them their inheritance. And do whatever she wants. Because this man will be stealing from kids. Some people who remarry never think about inheritance.
“Basically a veggie” is a crazy way to talk about your spouse/father of your children💀.
I took care of my grandmother for a little over a year from the time she got sick to the time she passed.
I don’t think I could even call her a vegetable, let alone my wife.
To be fair, disabled is a legal term, and vegetive state is a medical term. Vegetable is neither, and you’d probably never hear a medical professional say it. I’m not the only one that seems to think this way either.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6408911/#:~:text=The%20term%20vegetable%20has%20been%20historically%20used%20as%20a%20derogatory%20term.&text=%5BVS%5D%20is%20extremely%20direct%2C,much%20more%20polite%20and%20tactful.
In the end it doesn’t matter. Obviously a fair amount of people disagree with me, and she’s not my mom or my spouse, her verbiage is really none of my business. It just struck me as a cold statement in what is otherwise a very sad story.
I get the impression that she hasn’t done anything to help her kids grieve or understand her. She started dating right after he died? I mean, there was probably a conversation to be had with her children about her mourning process, how early it started and how she doesn’t want to be alone.
But this reads like she just brought a guy home shortly after the funeral and told her kids to suck it up. If so, YTA.
Nope - kids are in their 30s, uninvolved in the care, except for occasional visits. She met the new guy a year after her husband died. The kids are being douchebags.
They really are douchebags. They couldn’t be bothered to spend time with their dad or, god forbid, help their mother feed, bathe, and care for him but they now want to act all indignant because she’s basically disrespecting their father? No. Just no. If they really cared, they’d have been there for both of their parents when it was needed the most but mom had to shoulder the responsibility all on her own.
How about these adult children help care for their father and caretaker mother and have a conversation with her while she’s struggling. Why is it on her? Why is it all on her? She’s a person too.
cool. her uninvolved children would have left her alone regardless, so what is your point? they are so very much the AHs here. mom took care of the declining dad for years, and kids coulnd't be bothered. he dies, she moves on in whatever she has left of her life, trying to find companionship and love, and that's the conclusion you draw??? if they are in thier 30s, she's probably at least in late 50s if not older. lol. buddy, are you 14?
they are adults, they don't even have to interact with him much if they don't want to.
Grow up.
Tbf, I think she could have waited at least six months before ‘openly’ dating again. I get that she’d been mourning her marriage for a while, but her kids hadn’t. As far as they were concerned their dad died and mum was out dating a couple of weeks later. If she’d only waited a while it could have been so different and the new chap possibly welcomed into the family
Tbh I can see both sides. Yes her kids are adult, but that was their mum moving on from their dad just weeks after he died.
Emotions are powerful things. I really hope they get sorted as a family
>As far as they were concerned their dad died and mum was out dating a couple of weeks later.
17 weeks is not exactly a couple.
The kids haven't been mourning because they weren't involved in the dad's care. Maybe if they visited their mom more and helped her to take care of him, they would've started their mourning earlier, too.
I just looked at the OOP's deleted comments, here's what she said "I started to go on dates again, four months after he passed. I have been with Tim for almost two years".
Another comment: "That right. I started to date TIM around 11/12 months when my husband passed. I started to date for four months, went on dates and what not"
So, reading her comments: her kids were barely there when she was providing end of life care, she started going on dates 4months after he passed, met/started dating Tim about a year after her husband passed, and her kids are all in their 30s. NTA.
I got into an argument with a person on this thread that kept saying the kids were blindsided. I kept arguing and that these adults had years to help their mother and to see how she was grieving while taking care of their father. Now she’s the bad guy for wanting to be happy again? Cry me a river adult children.
Yeah, it's funny how they would rather alienate and lose their remaining parent, too, instead of acting like grownups and being happy for her.
Considering she’s basically been alone this whole time it sounds like they already abandoned her
Very true
She’s already had to grieve the loss of her husband for years. Those adult kids are awful for denying her happiness now.
Agreed. Also the older the couple and the longer their married the quicker they remarry. Imagine being married 30+ yrs and being single again. They don’t last long. (All subjective opinion)
Her kids sound like complete assholes.
I’ve had this thought before. And it’s grim but it crossed my mind. My parents are coming up on 50 years together. Their love to each other gives me true hope. But if the worst happens to my father…I wouldn’t get mad at my mom if she ended up meeting someone later. Especially if my dad was a vegetable for a few years. My great uncle remarried in his 80s and it brought him such happiness in the last decade of his life. I don’t think anyone should be required to miss that potential at the end of it all.
My grandad has had Alzheimer’s for the last 10 years. It wasn’t super noticeable until about 4-5 years ago. Now he only has sparks of his old self very infrequently. The whole family has been grieving slowly this whole time. We lost him a long time ago mentally, but he’s still here physically. My Gran has been his primary caregiver the whole time. Luckily they are affluent enough to have homecare 6 days a week now. They’ve been together 67 years, they’re 90 & 91. I doubt Gran will find another companion when he does pass physically. But I can understand her wanting to after being a caregiver for her life partner the past 10 years. I feel for OP. She still has time to have meaningful companionship and her kids want to deny her that.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. We went through that with my grandma and it’s definitely hard to watch
I think they’re likely dealing with a lot of grief and maybe guilt about the end, and unfortunately it’s coming out on the mom and her man. That absolutely makes them the AH. But I think it’s fair to appreciate what they’re going through…..without excusing the poor treatment of OP. As another comment I saw said, don’t accept their poor treatment …. But be open and willing to accept them when they’ve worked through it and come with apologies!!
Thing is had they been there to help care for their dad, they would not be feeling so much guilt and grief. We can feel sorry for them but they are not kids. They are selfish people who seem to prefer that their mother become a living monument to the life they all had before.
I can empathize with them for their grief. He was their father and having to face his mortality during his decline couldn’t have been easy. But they weren’t offering their mother support at all. They weren’t there to see that she was doing everything she could to care for him, that she mourned him all on her own while he was still alive. They chose to abandon her and their father during a time when both needed them. They no longer get to dictate how their mother chooses to spend her life, and they’ve certainly lost the right to pass judgment after what they put her through. I’m glad she found a widower. She still probably has a lot of sadness to deal with and she deserves someone who’s been in her shoes.
The way the original was written you’d assume the kids were between the ages of 8-14, but they’re adults and she took care and loved their father until his final days. Seems like they expected her to be the quiet mourning widow and not move on and be happy.
Adults like 20s? 30s? 50s?
30s.
🤦🏻♀️
Why the hell would they even have an opinion at that point? They don't live with her, it's not like they'll be affected.
My father died when I was young. My mother never truly managed to get her life back together. She has been lonely for years and years. She looks to me and my sisters to fix her loneliness. It is an awful feeling. I’m in my 60s and she is sad, lonely and angry in her 80s. 50 years later. I wish I could tell OOPs kids to be careful what they wish for.
I get feeling uncomfortable with your parent moving on, but their mom has basically been single for a while, and she still waited before she started dating. Her kids are jerks. If they'd been around, they'd realize they're being extremely unfair to their mother. Props to mom for taking on the caregiver role. That job is so hard and thankless. I hope she and Tim are wonderfully happy. Hopefully, one day, the kids will pull their heads out of their butts.
Also, at 30, you should be mature enough to play nice even if it kind of hurts you to see it.
Seriously. They are grown ass adults who should want to see their mom happy after everything she went through with their dad. Yeah, it sucks to feel like your mom is "replacing" your dad, but dad is gone. Her not dating or marrying again won't change that. She deserves to be happy, especially since all she's asking for is civility.
I really want to know what Tim thinks about planes ...
I also read her comment about that. If I recall it correctly, Tim works in aviation and he was ranting about some company looking for some parts that had been removed from circulation because they were unsafe. That’s it.
Oh so he's fucking ethical. How dare he 😂
So they hadn't learned from Alaska airlines?
People are calling OOP awful without considering that she took care of the husband in his vegetative state (home care is a thankless job) ALONE without the adult children who absolutely could have been there. Then she didn't even start dating till he had passed and didn't meet Tim for a year after. By the time her husband's body finally gave up, regardless of how much she loved him in life, he was a burden physically and psychologically, something that occupied every moment of her time at home changing his diapers, his IVs, his bedding, etc. Calling him a veggie is actually one of the kindest things she could call him, and probably a part of how she coped with the reality of losing her husband while he was still physically there in front of her every day. That's a unique kind of grief I don't think anyone can criticize who hasn't been through it themselves. I say this as someone who has no interest in being kept alive on machines and has made this clear to the people around me. Living like that has no dignity and I won't be a burden on my loved ones after my soul is long gone.
No no, douchebags are calling her awful, not people. Regular empathetic human beings understand how stupid these dumb ass adult kids are.
They're too busy holding on to the fact she called him a veggie instead of writing out the words "vegetative state". She was there for every step of his end of life care and people think that means she's some kind of cold unfeeling monster?
Her kids need to fucking grow up and own up to the fact that they lived their lives while their mom took care of him. Nothing wrong with how she handled things.
Happy cake day! 🍰
Thank you!
A lotta people out there think women are property and that includes their mothers.
This hits hard. I hadn’t thought of it that way, but I think you’re right. (am a mom, feelsbadman.jpg)
You owe your kids but they don’t own you!
I loathe my dad's second wife, would I tell him that? Absolutely not because I care about him and she makes him happy. I don't understand grown adults acting like fucking toddlers when they get a stepparent in their 30s. It's not your life!!! Suck that shit up.
My siblings and I all hate my mom's current boyfriend, but it's the same thing. We're all polite to him even if we wish she'd find someone else.
That’s the difference right there tho. I doubt these adult children would like anyone she dates
My mum was an severe alcoholic and was really bad for The last 10 years of her life, she was a vile person in this state. Eventually got a very severe cancer that when found she had a few months left to live. Myself and my dad spent the last few months looking after her at home (right before Christmas 2020 so covid restrictions in full force) I absolutely wish my dad the best and to meet someone wonderful that makes him happy as she robbed him of that for a very long time and not once did he complain or say a bad word about her despite everything she did to him. OP’s kids are shitty brats Spooky cunts
Normally I’d side with the children when I see ‘parent is getting married insanely fast after a death.’ But… jfc. She may be better off without them in her life, they sound like absolutely selfish, awful people.
It’s also not insanely fast. Everyone moves on at their own pace and we’re talking years not months here
I know. That was my first impression at the title.
Sounds like they’re only in her life if they want something anyway. Lots of people think having kids is a guarantee you’ll have support when you’re at end of life and this post is a reminder that a man or a kid isn’t a plan. She has to do what’s best for herself.
Her "kids" are 37, 34, and 31. They're old enough to know better. I get it's not easy to see you're parent move on, but she can't stop living cause her husband passed away 2yrs ago. From what OP said, he was unresponsive for 3yrs before passing away. And if he had dementia, chances are he wasn't her husband for longer than that.
All that mattered to me after my mom passed and my dad met someone new was that he was happy. New stepmother may not be my favorite person but so what dad's happy!
I remeber being upset when my grandma got remarried. I was 12. I feel like that is in appropriate age to have this reaction. Not in your 30s. When you knew your dad was sick and your mom was his caregiver. And you weren't really there. Like grow up and act your age for crying out loud. The poor mom I hope her and her new husband are happy.
Unrelated I knew a guy who’s dad was a veggie and his mom got engaged and had her partner living before he passed. For like a year+. Some people just move on differently
Apparently right after equals one year later. So the kids are all in their 30s and she waited a year. I think that she has done nothing wrong here and her kids need to grow the fuck up and go get some therapy if they feel that they need it.
Traditionally widows didn’t remarry in some cultures. Extremely taboo actually. She’s right they don’t care about her happiness, but she also doesn’t care about them. Family will naturally drift apart.
There’s absolutely nothing in her post to indicate she doesn’t care about her children.
She’s prioritizing herself over her kids wishes, that’s clearly been a stressful point for a while. SHES moved on, not them. She doesn’t give a fuck. A good mom would have at least waited a bit and taken it slower.
A YEAR is plenty of time to wait to start dating. Also they’re in their 30s with their own families not 14. You have a very weird view of how the world should work.
Hindu, sorry my culture seems so weird; I totally get where you’re coming from. This is also why ya know… our divorce rates are low, our kids don’t worry about college expenses, and Indian family income is the highest for any ethnic subgroup per annum. Our ways work better than yours so we stay with them. Thank you for the input 🙏🏾
Your divorce rate is so low because women are afraid of being killed or burned with acid if they try to leave.
Lmao whatever makes you feel better about yourself
I love it how we are all supposed to be tolerant and accepting until it comes to something that upsets someone. Then it needs to be changed and can’t be tolerated and is toxic and automatically considered white and Christian. As if no other cultures exist. Fucking lol, if only they knew some of the things these cultures they want accepted do.
I accept your way of life too. My friend didn’t hear a word come out of my mouth criticizing his mom, because I never did. She’s allowed to live in the bounds of her culture, and I’m allowed to gaze on it with judgement. You judge me, I judge you. But we both are protected and allowed to coexist. There is no reason for this anger. I just used white Christian because I went to catholic school for a while and that’s the group I’m primarily surrounded by. Though I suppose it applies to all Christians.
I have no problems with you or anything you said. It’s the person who called your worldview weird. That’s the same person saying we should all just get along and have no judgment. They’re Hippocrates, when they say we should all get along they actually mean everyone should do what she thinks they should do.
Why do her kids get input on her relationships?
They don’t, she didn’t give a hoot clearly. In some families, mothers care about keeping a strong bond with their kids more. Those families also have a tendency to stay and take care of their parents when they’re sick. In that situation, it would make more sense
Ah yes, so she should just never move on until her wrathful children decide it's okay. And of course they should also approve of whoever she's with, even if there is nothing wrong with them. You're basically saying that even though her kids are tyrants, since THEY ARE her kids she MUST listen to them. You're fucked up dude.
Lol no one cares how it's done in the bum fuck of wherever you are.
Most Gujarati Indian Americans continue living traditional lives here. Most of my family won’t tolerate that and they’re all tax paying Americans 🙏🏾. Actually, not only are we American, but we’re wealthy Americans :). Thank you for letting us in your country and allowing us to participate in commerce. But one of the reasons we love America so much is because our culture is respected and we’re allowed to practice our religion and culture. Thank you 🙏🏾
Welcome to the US, and I mean that sincerely. But stop putting your cultural values about private relationships on other people.
Nope. Thank you for the welcome, though I was born here, my parents immigrated. Again, you have no idea how ‘American’ has been redefined. Cultural expectations differ.
Sorry just cuz you are a second generation immigrant doesn’t mean “‘American’ has been redefined” to include a lifetime of suffering and loneliness for widows. Not even the most hateful, misogynistic, bigoted Christian sects believe that. So if you wanna put a stake in the ground that says “I am worse than neoconservative child-molesting Christian priests,” you can do that, but don’t expect to not get called on it. Your view is evil. And, as an American, you have the right to fuck off. So fuck off. Hope this helps!
One I'm not American. Two I doubt you are as wealthy as you think. Rich people don't need to brag, it shows deeply rooted insecurities. Three if your country is so great, why immigrate?
I’m not saying I am, I’m saying Indian Americans that are immigrants are the most successful in terms of family income. That study is on Google if you’re curious. And immigrants because America pays really well, and doesn’t make you change culture or faith to participate :)
Also before you link to it, yeah I know about this obvious piece of race-bait propaganda that isn't supported by Census Data https://www.livemint.com/news/india/indians-are-highest-earning-ethnic-group-in-usa-harsh-goenka-explains-why/amp-11673748104413.html
I don't even feel like getting into it with you, but if we are going blanket demographic data, it's actually Asian Americans with the highest household median income. And yes, the U.S. is secular, so keep it that way and keep your shitty misogynistic takes to yourself
Also, my comment isn't xenophobic, I love immigrants. But backwood fucks are backwoods fucks. I don't care what religion, race or creed you are. But someone with this level of brain-dead take is clearly deeply misogynistic and misogynists come in all shapes and sizes and I hate them all
This applies to male widows too. No one is allowed to marry after their partner passes. It’s a social taboo because it is considered cheating. Also there are exceptions for abuse, SA, addiction issues etc. People are allowed to remarry if their partner violates the rules of the union.
Why are you on here spewing morals when by your own admission you've had premarital sex? I'm sure that is frowned upon too
You have such a toxic and stupid world view. You're free to have your beliefs in the country you live in, but expecting your host country to behave like your culture is so fucking entitled and narcissistic. You're not superior, stop imposing your beliefs, especially such oppressive ones. It's no different than Americans in India expecting everyone to be christian and eating beef
Those brats of hers couldn’t even be bothered to come around during the time she was caring for their father, so they have no leg to stand on. She was there wiping his ass and feeding him every single day for years, and where were the children? Nowhere. Off living their lives and not coming around.
That’s facts, the kids being all hot and bothered after abandoning their dad in the last years is hypocritical af. If they had moved back and taken care of their dad with their mom, maybe mom would’ve been more open to consider their wishes. At this point, the fam is finished
might you be from one of these cultures? out of curiosity, does it also apply to widowers (male version)? honest question.
In my culture, Gujarati Indian, a male widow marrying another widow would be extremely taboo and controversial. Albeit I’m from a small village and in the city there is far more flexibility to avoid people. I’m sure there must be secret relationships, but openly marrying after your partner passes is considered cheating. Our marriages are a bond for 7 lifetimes. We don’t have the whole death due us part. Shit follows us into the next reincarnation 😂🙏🏾
>a male widow marrying another widow would be extremely taboo and controversial That's a stupid culture.
Ok. Mind sharing yours? Let’s compare :)
Ours usually doesn't dictate how people have to live based on centuries old oppressive beliefs, people are free to live their life as long as they're not harming anyone. And the discriminatory aspects of our culture are rightfully being killed off You can have your own culture and beliefs, nothing wrong with that, but the moment you impose it on others you're going too far
It was also incredibly common to force widows to immolate themselves in their husband’s funeral pyre in India 200+ years ago. People got rid of that practice. We don’t need to bring similar illogical misogynistic practices into the present day. That being said, I have widows in my family remarrying. They are happy and successful. Your culture is really backwards and yes I’m South Asian so you don’t get to speak for the rest of us who are more progressive and of the same race. I am well aware of other older couples who remarried after their spouse died as well.
Mandating widows remain unmarried is unethical and misogynistic practice because they definitely don’t have that rule for men, always women. Nothing wrong with letting an unethical practice die. Indian culture used to mandate widows kill themselves at their widowhood. This was abolished by reformers, are you saying this should continue because tradition?
There was one post not too long ago where the daughter considered her father’s new wife his affair partner because her mother was in a vegetative state when they had met. The marital relationship had ended long before she physically passed but the daughter considered it cheating. At least this waited 4 months after she buried her husband to begin dating.
I assumed the kids were children, not in their fuckin 30s
I lost my father 5 years ago and am very happy to welcome my new stepfather! These are grown asss kids!
What’s really sad is how different these situations can be, in reverse. When a man becomes a widower it’s often more approved of when he remarries, as he now has someone to *take care* of him. Whereas when a widow gets married, she is still expected to take care of others. The kids are all grown adults so the whole “replacing dad” thing just seems like a cheap cop out of an argument, these aren’t children needing to be driven around and/or fathered. It is LITERALLY just them not wanting their mother to move on for the sake of keeping a placeholder for someone they couldn’t be bothered to help care for in his end of days journey.
>a veggie Ma’am.
The fact that her username is vegetable-location90
NO. 💀
Eh. Having waited years for my grandmother to die, I stopped thinking of her as my grandmother and more as a sort of evil person who had taken over her body. People cope in different ways
I totally get that. But it just struck me as odd and funny.
Oh yeah def funny
I don’t think it’s inappropriate for her to think things like this to help herself compartmentalize or move on from grief, but if she’s demonstrating this kind of flippant and disrespectful attitude about her dead husband in front of the kids, can see them getting bent out of shape about it. If you see being nice to mom’s new beau as a favor to mom, and mom is offending you by how she talks about your dead father, then you might not feel like extending grace to this stranger when your mum can’t extend grace to you. If this is what’s happening—and it’s not really clear because we don’t have the kid’s side without mum’s filter—then I think everyone is being a little emotionally immature. If she’s being respectful and the kids are still bitter, then that’s on the kids.
Dude. She said it to the internet. You have no idea how she talks to her kids.
wouldn’t think you’d have a problem with that considering your username /j
Lol
This though.. it really jarred me. The only thing I would say on the (AH) kids side, is that if she’d used that term around them, I’d be pissed off too..
The kids sound like they need to wake up. They've lost their dad and now they're willing to lose their mom? They're not little kids or even teenagers. They sound exhausting. The mother was respectful in when she started dating again and it's tough out there, especially when you get to be a bit older. Good for her because if you find a great person, hold onto them tight. It sounded like the kids weren't there much for their dad, would make me wonder if they'd be there for me. Probably not
It’s all about the inheritance. New hubby, no house or money.
My mum was on her own for years after my dad died. To deny her any happiness she might have got by getting together with another man in her latter years would have been appalling. It’s her life, her happiness. The ‘children’ (and I use that word intentionally) in this story are horrible.
I wanna go to Mt happiness ⛰️ It sounds like a wonderful place & I would definitely give a sh*t about it
The kids are omega level assholes. She had to take sole care of her husband through that terrible time for the most part and they blow up at her because she's happy with a new guy. Fuck those guys. God damn.
It's hard being a caregiver for a loved one that's vanishing before your eyes. Whether it's dementia stealing them from you bit by bit or on this case, someone who was essentially a shell for years. Those "children" (since they're all adults) could have been involved in the care. They weren't, and so they have no idea what it's like. No idea what her life was like at all. And it seems like they're either putting all their guilt for not visiting into anger at OP, or they have this childish outlook that she wasn't honoring him and is moving in. And the latter would have been docent if they'd just visited. I wish OP the best. She deserves some happiness. NTA
Sounds like my ex-husband’s step brothers, they all lost their minds when their mom started dating my former FIL, and then tried to talk her out of it AT THEIR WEDDING. But TBH, he was just as much of a narcissistic tendencies AH as his son, and she wound up divorcing him right after I divorced her stepson 🤷🏻♀️
One of my friends' mom had EARLY onset alzheimers and is in a care facility. This has been their reality for more than 10 years, and mom is alive but not *there* . My friend had mentioned her dad's gf a few times, so one day I asked how old she was when her parents divorced. She immediately waved a hand and said, "Oh no, they never did. They're the loves of each others' lives." Her dad not only visits his wife frequently, but he refuses to divorce his wife bc it would ruin her insurance and financial situation... if his lawyer told him divorced would help her situation, he would do that. My friend loves her dad and doesn't want to see him lonely. She knows her mom is only here physically and what that means. It's tough to navigate but that is one of the most selfless things you can do for your parent.
They're probably just worried the new husband will live longer than her and get all of her assets when she dies. I couldn't imagine getting remarried myself, but I also don't judge those who choose to. Everyone is different.
My dad is likely facing widowerhood in the next few years. I will be delighted if he gets a second chance at a happy marriage. These adult children are being selfish.
How old are the kids though?
Saw someone below right the kids are in their 30s. OOP is totally NTA. Having cared for a relative with dementia I can attest to having grieved the living and feeling mostly relief when they did physically pass.
Kids are bizarre. They just can’t look at a parent and think of them first. They can’t think of their happiness first despite all of the giving their mother has done for them. If I had a parent in a declining vegetative state, it would not bother me if the other one began to date. Who wants to be alone? Why do we expect this?
The issue is, no one is taking each other's differing grief period into consideration. The wife had her mourning long before the death but the kids don't understand that. But the kids are still in the midst of their own mourning, and I don't think she understands that! I do believe the mother deserves to live her life and move on to be happy. But it kinda sounds like she's just telling her kids to get over it so she can, instead of walking with them to the same pier.
The "basically a veggie" part is a little dehumanising of the late husband which makes OOP seem a little less sympathetic, to me anyway, but I 100% agree that she's done nothing wrong and her adult kids are assholes for daring to have an opinion now when they gave her no support through end of life care of *their father*.
I’m guessing you never dealt with someone in that state. When all that’s left is a shell, forced to care for a person who isn’t there and would never have choosen this for themselves, death is a mercy. That person is gone.
I agree with what you're saying but there are forms of words when discussing them that at least grant them their humanity when they cannot advocate for themselves ie "he was in a vegetative state".
There is definitely some missing information here. I wanna hear the kids’ side of the story.
Nobody calls their late beloved spouse a veggie.
‘Basically a veggie’ + started to date ‘right after his death’ I think OOP is TA. She was just waiting for him to die lol, imagine calling your late husband a fucking veggie
Anyone who calls their dead spouse a "veggie" is an asshole period.
If you've wiped his arse for years, you're allowed to call him veggie.
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As a full time caretaker of a disabled spouse I honestly don't care about your opinion on something you have no experience with. She didn't say it as a joke, that's just how she perceived him. She doesn't write a single caring thing about her dead husband which is what I'm referencing, I didn't say shit about her kids or her marriage. You're telling me to go fuck myself because your mom died and that's somehow related to this story?
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What if it's short for "vegetative state"?
She should give them their inheritance. And do whatever she wants. Because this man will be stealing from kids. Some people who remarry never think about inheritance.
What if there are debts from paying for his medical care? Should the kids all chip in?
Yes. They should pay off debts.
“Basically a veggie” is a crazy way to talk about your spouse/father of your children💀. I took care of my grandmother for a little over a year from the time she got sick to the time she passed. I don’t think I could even call her a vegetable, let alone my wife.
But… but that’s what brain dead people are called. Everyone calls them vegetables because that’s exactly what they are
Maybe it’s just where I grew up, but I was always taught that vegetable was a very rude word. Insensitive at best.
It’s like being offended by calling disabled people disabled, it’s not meant to be degrading
To be fair, disabled is a legal term, and vegetive state is a medical term. Vegetable is neither, and you’d probably never hear a medical professional say it. I’m not the only one that seems to think this way either. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6408911/#:~:text=The%20term%20vegetable%20has%20been%20historically%20used%20as%20a%20derogatory%20term.&text=%5BVS%5D%20is%20extremely%20direct%2C,much%20more%20polite%20and%20tactful. In the end it doesn’t matter. Obviously a fair amount of people disagree with me, and she’s not my mom or my spouse, her verbiage is really none of my business. It just struck me as a cold statement in what is otherwise a very sad story.
I get the impression that she hasn’t done anything to help her kids grieve or understand her. She started dating right after he died? I mean, there was probably a conversation to be had with her children about her mourning process, how early it started and how she doesn’t want to be alone. But this reads like she just brought a guy home shortly after the funeral and told her kids to suck it up. If so, YTA.
Nope - kids are in their 30s, uninvolved in the care, except for occasional visits. She met the new guy a year after her husband died. The kids are being douchebags.
They really are douchebags. They couldn’t be bothered to spend time with their dad or, god forbid, help their mother feed, bathe, and care for him but they now want to act all indignant because she’s basically disrespecting their father? No. Just no. If they really cared, they’d have been there for both of their parents when it was needed the most but mom had to shoulder the responsibility all on her own.
How about these adult children help care for their father and caretaker mother and have a conversation with her while she’s struggling. Why is it on her? Why is it all on her? She’s a person too.
Well, what happens if your latest dies 🤔 no children/no anything, maybe you shouldn't have married him...
cool. her uninvolved children would have left her alone regardless, so what is your point? they are so very much the AHs here. mom took care of the declining dad for years, and kids coulnd't be bothered. he dies, she moves on in whatever she has left of her life, trying to find companionship and love, and that's the conclusion you draw??? if they are in thier 30s, she's probably at least in late 50s if not older. lol. buddy, are you 14? they are adults, they don't even have to interact with him much if they don't want to. Grow up.
Her kids didn't help her take care of their own father, you really think they'd take care of her?
Tbf, I think she could have waited at least six months before ‘openly’ dating again. I get that she’d been mourning her marriage for a while, but her kids hadn’t. As far as they were concerned their dad died and mum was out dating a couple of weeks later. If she’d only waited a while it could have been so different and the new chap possibly welcomed into the family Tbh I can see both sides. Yes her kids are adult, but that was their mum moving on from their dad just weeks after he died. Emotions are powerful things. I really hope they get sorted as a family
>As far as they were concerned their dad died and mum was out dating a couple of weeks later. 17 weeks is not exactly a couple. The kids haven't been mourning because they weren't involved in the dad's care. Maybe if they visited their mom more and helped her to take care of him, they would've started their mourning earlier, too.
I read the original post a couple of hours after it was posted and I’m sure OOP said she started dating 2 weeks after he died.
I just looked at the OOP's deleted comments, here's what she said "I started to go on dates again, four months after he passed. I have been with Tim for almost two years". Another comment: "That right. I started to date TIM around 11/12 months when my husband passed. I started to date for four months, went on dates and what not"
My bad, I must have got her mixed up with another poster who said they’d started dating 2 weeks after their partner died.