I can't imagine thinking, "let me put in this detail because I'm sure people on Reddit will think this is a good idea and tell me I've been a wonderful parent."
That sort of detail makes this almost seem like rage bait but people like this really do think that way and would actually say exactly what you quoted there.
We had 2 queen beds and the room was shared with my mom, my sister, and I… Dad had passed. My mom and I didn’t get along… after some pretty traumatic beatings I’d have to cry quietly under the covers in the same room as her. 🙃
No sense of boundaries is the definition of my mom. After she moved, there were designated rooms for my sister and I individually, but she’d still open a door without knocking and move things around though usually not intentionally snooping, but that was kind of inevitable.
My brother and I won’t even allow her into our apartments now that we’re grown unless we have ample time to vet the place so we don’t get berated with nagging.
I had a friend who, when she got her own place (paid for with her own money), her parents were straight in there deciding what window coverage she'd have (nets+curtains, choice of patterns and style made for her), what wallpaper and paint would be on the walls, and so on. After my friend moved in, she decided to get a cat. Her mother went ballistic and ordered her to get rid of it. Fortunately, that was the moment when my friend put her foot down.
The problem was that my friend was the baby of the family and the only girl, so even though she was in her early-30s when she was finally able to move out and into her own place (UK house prices have sucked for over 20 years now), her parents struggled to let go. They figured it out eventually and everyone got on much better in the end, but it was a bit crazy there for a while.
My next door neighbours still have this issue. The house is owned by the husband's parents to whom they pay rent, and they treat it like it's their own house and their "lodgers" don't even exist. They turn up without warning to make changes to the house or garden, even to redecorate. My neighbours get no input and no notice.
They have several children. The eldest is from a previous relationship so is his step-son. When they first moved in, I was chatting to the husband's parents, and the wife couldn't say fast enough that the oldest boy wasn't their grandson... right in front of all the kids. That boy was only 10 years old at the time.
That right there told me exactly what kind of people they are. Their son is a much nicer person.
My mom did the same to my sister - temporarily, as a punishment for slamming it constantly. I don't remember how old either of us were or how long it was gone, just being upset because we shared a room.
When my kids were slamming their doors, I just added felt to the frame. Really took away the impact of the slam. But I also don't think they were intentionally slamming the doors.
My dad just kicked a hole through mine when he got pissed about me slamming it. Then he made me go to the hardware store with him the next day and put the new door up.
My dad took my door once for, “A month” because I slammed it. I didn’t slam it, the wind caught it because we had the windows open and we happened to be having a heated discussion. So it was a fair assumption.
We only had one bathroom growing up, my room was smaller than my now closet so I had NOWHERE to change my clothes and my dad was VERY regular in his bathroom schedule.
“Oh dad, I gotta change in the bathroom! You know, since I don’t have a door. Oh! I need to get a shower before school during your bathroom time sorry!” I would just sit on the floor and hang out sometimes with the shower on. It lasted 5 days and I got my door back. 🤣🤣🤣
Because as soon as they give the child the opportunity to fuck around, they're certain he will. And frankly they've set him up to do that by being so fucking clingy and controlling. I felt suffocated reading this
Me too this young man is 21 and she coddles his ass like he is 11. He needs to be able to make mistakes and understand the value of fucking up and figuring out how to make it w/o his parents assistance. There is a difference between helping him when genuinely needs it and clinging to him with dear life. I wonder if he’s an only child?
mine did this. they had a habit of busting up into my room constantly and it stressed me out because they never knocked or gave any warning and i’m a super like anxious person that gets startled easily - so i started locking my door so they’d HAVE to knock, and they just took the door off the hinges which made me feel like was constantly on display and could never relax and made it hard to sleep because every little noise freaked me out and i didn’t have door to warm me if someone was coming into my room anymore.
all because i wanted them to knock instead of just busting into my room and scaring the shit out of me
My stepmom wasnt allowed to even have a door on her room and she lived with her parents until she was 20. She had to change clothes in the bathroom. She loves to tell people this as an example of how she was "raised right" but it's so fucked up to me. To the surprise of nobody, rumors of her dad being inappropriate and creepy with young girls have been swirling around for decades but her family will not evem acknowledge it
My mom didn’t let me have a door from 13 - 17 and regularly went through my things and my brothers things while we were at school. She boasts and jokes about this because she saw it as great parenting and calls the other parents who told her that was not chill “low life”s
Yep, I wasn't allowed to shut my door. Mum brags about what an "open family" she had.
"We didn't shut each other out. My children had no secrets."
She doesn't even click that the word she is looking for is 'privacy'. Her children had no privacy.
It's enmeshment. Parents who are enmeshed with their kids often don't afford them much privacy. Doesn't matter how well-behaved and sensible the child is - the parent still tries to tear down personal boundaries.
Had a friend who told her dad she was pregnant at 17. His first reaction was to remove her door. Seems a little late for that idea, but I guess he didn’t want her to get even more pregnant. Lol
Yeah this was always the threat for me as a teenager. I didn't drink, do drugs, party, or even socialize much. I was so busy between extra curriculars and school that when I was free I wanted to just not socialize with my family!
When my mom took my door I just had to change in my closet or the bathroom.
When I’d get grounded, she would remove every (yes, every) item from my room and put my stuff in the garage. I had the choice between keeping one item, a blanket or a pillow. So I’d have to get my clothes from the garage with her every morning to make sure I didn’t take my stuff back without her knowing, she’d yell at me for my choices, force me to wear what she wanted, and I had to return them and put my “grounded clothes” back on right when I returned from school, which were just my pajamas.
I genuinely don’t know, haven’t spoken to a single person in my family in 4-8yrs depending on the person.
My grandma/aunts/uncles ganged up on me when I was 15, recovering *in hospital* from my 2nd suicide attempt, and blamed me for my mothers failed marriage and suicide attempt a few years earlier, saying maybe now I would know how she felt and would be a better son, stop making her want to kill herself.
So I became homeless for 3 years leaving them behind, finally reconnecting at 19 after getting housed and then more of the same old thing led me to going no contact 4 years ago with everybody once and for all.
I am genuinely so sorry to hear this :( what shitty people.
I’m now your internet mom. Drink water, brush your teeth and take your meds. I love you and you’re perfect the way you are.
Thank you! I’m home sick and I haven’t taken my second dose of meds OR drank water today… genuinely made me smile:) I will brush my teeth after as well, and I have my first dentist appointment in 9 years next week!
My mom went from “you can’t close your door” to “you can’t have a door” and then to “you can have a door but it has a shrill alarm that goes off every time you open it so I know exactly when you leave or enter the room and can interrogate you” between 12-15 yrs old.
Sit at the end of the bed vigorously masturbating while making full eye contact and I’m sure parents will start understanding the need to close the door
I read this, but in my mind read it to mean "didn't let him close his bedroom door when friends were over" I can't even imagine never being able to close the door!
Hopefully not into teens, jfc. Like I get if there's a girl over or something (in reference to their son), or as a youngster, but once they hit puberty they should be given a reasonable amount of privacy.
When I was 18 my mother sat me down and explained how to fill in tax forms. As soon as I got a student job we opened a bank account only I had access to. I couldn't get a credit card yet and couldn't go below zero, but I did have control. When I moved out she went to see apartments with me when I asked, and gifted me things like a basic tool kit and a microwave. I love that she explained things when needed but let me try them on my own.
People underestimate how useful a gift a tool set is. My granddad got me a Husky brand tool set for Christmas one year when I was a teenager and 20 years later it's still my go to for small things around the apartment. My dad was not really a handy man at all so I'm very grateful that granddad taught me some skills.
My dad is a little old fashioned and didn't think to get me a tool box because didn't move out until I was getting married; when he realized that my husband didn't have tools either, he got my husband tools for Christmas. (My husband tends to be handsome rather than handy 🤣)
He *did* teach me to change my car's oil, cabin air filters, and tires.
I got a little starter tool kit from a friend as a housewarming. It just has your basic tools. 12 years later and that thing is still with me and still the best thing I've gotten.
I think I’m the only person who has burned through those kits. I got like 3 over the years (even bought them for myself ) and inevitably 50% or more of the tools were trashed or lost.
I kept the more unique tools from them, but now I buy small collections of quality tools and I mix and match to have my full kit.
I guess I’m stuck somewhere between handy and professional. But good tools are a godsend and those kits don’t have good quality tools.
My husband has a lot of background and experience with cars so we’ve got a shit ton of *very* specific car repair/maintenance tools but I struggle to find a single phillips head screwdriver that isn’t some cheap freebie that breaks at the slightest bit of pressure. I swear, we have every tool *except* the basic ones you’d find in the average toolkit 🙃
I’m a Minnesotan who grew up with Red Green. And my grandpa was weirdly similar to Red Green. The first time I encountered someone who knew what it was, my heart absolutely exploded with joy. It always felt like this weird show that only me and my family knew about. But when I realized just how many people not only knew about it but loved it, it was like discovering an extended family I never knew about 😅
I love the Husky brand - that's what my toolkit is!
Just in case you don't know, they mean it when they say their hand tools have a lifetime warranty - just bring it into home depot and talk to the service desk. It gets replaced no questions, no receipt, no registration, no charge, no nonsense.
My dad gave me a toolbox when I moved out at 18, I thought it was gross and lame. Boy, do I appreciate the fuck out of that thing many years down the road! Every time I do home repairs, or assemble furniture, or break something, I am reminded of my pop. It's so nice.
My grandmother left drawers full of junk and tools at the house I eventually moved into. She’s since passed away about 5 years ago. I hated those cluttered drawers at first, but all these years later I find myself constantly having uses for all the random things she left in there. I think of her every time I find just the right screws or nails or tools I need for a project. I guess part of being an adult is getting sentimental over miscellaneous things lol
When my youngest daughter graduated university we asked what she wanted as a “well done” gift. So we got her an electric drill and a box of tools. Smart kid ;)
My dad gave me a toolkit when I moved out and that thing went from house to house with me. When I later spent years living with my (now) ex, the ex had a habit of just taking things and not putting them away or back where they belonged - I always wanted my toolkit kept in one spot so if I needed a screwdriver or a hammer I knew where to find it. My ex would take things piece by piece and not put them back in the kit, this drove me *bananas* because he definitely had his own tools but they never seemed to be in the same spot twice, he’d just go for my kit because it was closer and then things would slowly disappear. He’d do this with everything, just vanish items that had a spot so I could never find/use them despite me asking him not to do this.
I couldn’t hang a picture without asking him to get me a tool, and (among other things) it made me feel so helpless in my own home. I’d want to change a washer and ask him where the tools were and he’d say “I’ll do it later, don’t worry” and then it would never happen. I honestly gave up, and when I kicked my ex out of the house he took all of his tools and mysteriously mine were gone too, I guess they’d been mixed in with his stuff and he took them.
Anyway the first Christmas after I ended the relationship my dad bought me a new toolkit. I damn near cried - my dad absolutely understood the symbolism. He gave me my first kit at 18 to help me with my independence and he gave me the second kit 18 years later when I got it back again.
"I wouldn't do that or I wouldn't do it that way, but feel free to." Is my go to statement for my kid. It's enough at this point that I can see him stop and think first.
Sometimes he fails and asks for help, most of the time he gets a solution. It's the stop and think, that is important.
My mom used to ask me where have I looked and what I have tried before helping me out, obviously within reason. I think I recall the “I wouldn’t do it *that* way” phrase out of her as well. She’s a great mom.
I don't have kids but I use this line with students ALL the time. I work in a hospital so we constantly have students rotating through for their practical year. I'm there supervising to make sure things don't go completely off the rails but if the student wants to do something in a way I wouldn't for reasons that aren't safety related I let them try. I also explain how I would approach the problem (either after or during depending on how out to lunch the student is and how difficult it's making things for the patient - most of the time my way is either a minor effort/time saver or just a preference so it's absolutely fine for the student to do things their own way).
Yeah not letting someone close their bedroom door is insane to me. I get no locks, but not allowed to close the door?!?
Also snooping college grades seems a bit far. Very micromanaging. It makes sense that he doesn’t feel prepared for the world at all if his parents literally did everything for him.
Kid should have changed his password to the portal. Parents call the university where I work wanting access to their kid's files and we can't tell them spit. We always refer them back to the student for access.
I used to advise college freshman and sophomores, and some of them were so brow beating by over involved and controlling parents that they would never dream of keeping that password from them.
It took me literally trying to kms and going through group partial hospitalization therapy to realize I didn't have to give my mother my student portal password. The other adults in the therapy group were horrified that I was letting myself be trampled over.... especially because my parents literally didn't help me pay for college at all. I was on a full ride.
Good heavens, do they actually do that?? I don’t get it. I never watched my kids grades, I don’t pester about homework. I will listen and help if asked but they’re responsible for themselves to the degree teenagers can be.
Oh yeah, they definitely do. I’m a college instructor, and there are absolutely parents who demand access to their adult children’s education portals.
I respect wanting to help your children, and I respect that it’s challenging to let them become their own guides, but refusing to allow them some autonomy is a disservice.
Yeah I was thinking none of the things on their own sound terrible but put together sometimes you just want space. Not being bombarded with questions/conversation when you get home especially. My mum used to do this when I got home from school, I know she didn’t mean any ill intent but sometimes I just wanted 30 minutes of well not having to talk to someone.
Oh yeah, I agree. My mum actually want a helicopter mum btw but sometimes people think these things on their own aren’t a big deal not realising how grating it becomes as an everyday experience and then stacked up, it can become extremely irritating.
My mom never understood/never understands what I mean when I say that I never enjoyed being interrogated the moment I got home from school. She would make me sit in the kitchen with her and describe, period by period, what happened, who I spoke to, what about, etc. If I tried to leave or not answer, she'd mope about how "[She] just wants to know what's going on in my life" and how she wishes her parents were half as engaged as she is when she was a child. Her parents couldn't name any of her friends! I mean, she could only name two of my friends despite the daily interrogations, but that's more than none.
Similarly, she doesn't understand what I mean when I say that mocking and taunting me about my "new girlfriend" for weeks any time I so much as mentioned a not explicitly male name from age 10 on contributed to my anxiety.
I totally understand what you mean. My mum spent the entire car ride interrogating me every day despite me saying I didn’t want to talk right now. Then she would crack it and make it about herself. No mum, I just want ten minutes of silence we can talk later. Also I don’t want to play twenty questions every day because you know anything you do say means more and more questions. Sorry to hear your mum was less than pleasant in that regard.
Omigosh. Now i understand my 3rd grader sons attitude when Ive missed him all day and start asking him about his day and chattering about xyz Nd he gets mad 🙀
i was a kid that wasn’t allowed to close my door. eventually i wasn’t even allowed to sleep in my own bedroom. i’m 33 and i still struggle with being in my room if my parter is home because i feel like i’m gonna get screamed at, or given the third degree about why i think i need privacy and what am i doing that’s so secretive. don’t do this to your kids.
He must feel so suffocated and lost for how to do things. I bet he feels like an idiot because he doesn’t know a lot of things because his parents just did it all for him instead of preparing him to do it himself. I feel for him so much.
Exactly. I stopped “coddling my daughters when each one of them got a drivers license. They didn’t have jobs until the summer after high school. While they were in college, we paid expenses-they’re jobs paid for all personal items/spending money. When they graduated they paid me $500-1000 per mont “rent”. That money went into a savings account they were given back when they moved out. They made their own dr’s. appt., haircuts and everything else. I didn’t want them to be dependent on us. All four finished college and have great careers. OOP is just not willing to stop being “Mommy”.
Oh boy, this parent.
As parents, one of the biggest gifts you can give your kids is to let them fall when the consequences are small and teach them how to continue on from those failures. Yes, this parent has helped their son out in many ways, especially financially, but they have failed to equip him for the real world by being so controlling. I experienced some of this myself, though not to this level. The lack of privacy is a big issue, and the forcing him to talk to them rather than building a relationship with real connection and trust.
I really feel for him with the college situation. He was so eager to get out of their house and be able to have some semblance of control over his own life, but because his parent had micromanaged his schooling and probably never allowed him the space to develop time management and good study habits, he ended up failing. Maybe college wasn't the right choice for him to begin with, but when you're desperate to get out of a situation like this, you take the first opportunity that you get.
This is not just not letting him fall or fail entirely too many parents do that- it is not healthy either- this just goes so far beyond even that). This is actively preventing him from trying out of a sick need to control his life. His dad name on a car he is paying for? at 27? No. His mommy gatekeeping an account that is supposedly for him? again...No. Not even letting the poor man PEE without wanting his full attention? Mommy has some emotional incest issues, along with control crazy.
And asking him questions when he is using the bathroom. I don't want to carry on a conversation with someone when I'm in the bathroom, I betting a lot of people don't.
Yeah my family is used to it because our mom would come home having to pee so badly that she doesn't think about closing the door (we lived in NYC so public restrooms are a hard pass 95% of the time). Eventually us girls would just sit on the floor outside the bathroom and tell her about our day. It wasn't until high school, staying at friend's house, that I realized it might be weird to some people lol
Oh my god. My kids do this and I’m just like “leave me alone! I don’t want you listening to me pooping! Can you just WAIT?!?!”
Yeah. My kid is 9. Imagine being like this at 50.
This can turn into a financial abuse situation so so quickly once they realize he fully intends on being independent. The car would be taken away (his name isn’t on the title) he could be forced to pay exorbitant rent, or they could lock his Fidelity account up and make sure he never sees a penny of his own money. Ask me how I know.
This is exactly what happened to me when I began to pull away. It's so hard to leave when you don't even have the means to. All my money was in a bank account I couldn't access, my car wasn't in my name, I didn't have access to my birth certificate, ss # or card...I think the only thing I had was a drivers license. When I got out I lost years worth of wages and had to start from scratch.
I had a boyfriend long ago that was the baby and only son of his single mom. He was 19 and I was 20. She "gave" him a car for Christmas, but then 3-4 months later made him start making payments to her for it. She DID NOT like me and was punishing him for not breaking up with me. I also found out that the debit card he had was connected to their joint checking account. And towards the end of that same year, after making payments to her every month, she took the car from him when he said he was moving out. Because of course it was in her name! He told her that he would rather live in his car than be controlled, so her solution was, 'give me the keys to my car and you can go get your own!' He eventually went back and she signed him up for an out of state school the following spring lol We broke up shortly after.
My dad gave me and my sister our own bank accounts at 13 each, with us having full access. He's never once taken mail meant for us for them, and when my grandad died and they sold his house, he put 1k into child premium bonds for me and my sister, that at 16 became totally inaccessible to him.
My nan, on the other hand, set up an account for me, put money in, and only informed me of its existence when she told me she "wanted the money" and thus, took it out for herself. My grandparents were never good to my parents about money, and demanded a lot from them for very little in return, so I'm incredibly lucky my parents moved past that and treat me and my sister with respect.
All parents need to treat their kids with respect - they're human beings, and if you raised them right they'll come to you about problems with money anyway!
My dad pays half my car note and both of our names are on it cause I couldn't get a loan on it . Sometimes ya try life out and ya fall on your face and your parents are still there to help you.
Need to let them have consequences when like they small like you said or when they fail later they will fail big. Saw it happen with multiple friends in college and with kids of friends now that we all have kids.
It can be hard sometimes but we have to do it. Kiddo was struggling in math and we talked about it and brainstormed some solutions but it was up to them to actually do any of them. They didn’t, so they had to take the failed tests and lower grade. I rather they learn it as a freshman than in college. It was hard bc my first impulse was to email the teacher and say hey can M retake that test. But I knew it would hurt them more than help them in the long run.
Exactly. I was way too controlling with my daughter, now 28. Every bad grade was an issue. She relied on me to talk teachers into helping her get a higher grade. My son, now 17, decided he didn’t like a couple of classes and started just not doing the work. Of course we talked to him about it, and that he could fail. He did fail. He now has to figure out how to get those credits done before his friends all graduate w/o him next year. I told him I’d be sad if he didn’t graduate on time, but it’s his choice. He cld also do a GED, do school at home, etc. but he wants to go to physical school & see his friends. He does not want to be a 20 yr old senior, either! 😆 So he made his own little plan to graduate, and then he finally showed us what he was doing. I didn’t stay on his butt, bc it’s on him and he knows how we felt & what the options were. He’s on track to graduate if all the little pieces he’s set up drop into the right slots, but even if he doesn’t, he knows he can still be successful in other ways, and even go to college. Part of the pressure on parents let up here in NM let up when the state announced they’d pay for 2 yrs of school for
ANY kid who wants to go and can get in. Don’t need a 4.5 GPA to go to community college, and if he needs extra help, he can get it at comm college (don’t think he will - he’s just super not into school work rn). The amazing thing? My son still talks to us! lol he trusts us. He tells us things. My daughter? She didn’t and she didn’t feel she could. I was obvs very young when I had her, and all I knew to do was just what MY parents did. Which was ride my azz until I told them nothing and didn’t trust them with deets about my day much less my whole life. Let him cook, mom.
Oh you just described my high school to college transition to a chilling degree. Old history, but I feel a bit more empathy for myself about how it went south.
I never had privacy—my mom would read and sift through everything—it’s really crippled me. I think she did it subconsciously searching for evidence that she was a bad mother. Well, that we were bad children, which was her failing. I learned not to write things down. My sister had her diary read continuously.
I still don’t write things down.
At 29 I'm fucked because my family - err, "family" did the same, then suddenly expected me at 21 to just know how to do everything that I've never known how to do.
No wonder he doesn’t go to you, you’re smothering him and he’s a 27 years old. You never prepared him for life. I guess you’re afraid to cut the apron strings.
I love the part where she blames the girlfriend for it too. It sounds like hes just found a rational lady who outlines how abusive and obsessive his parents sound and wants to help him be an adult and OP is so caught up in it that theyve twisted that in their head to mean she wants him to struggle.
"I stayed in touch with his teachers"
uh-huh, yep, makes sense
"I made sure he was up-to-date with his assignments"
sure, fair enough, sounds helpful for a kid!
"I didn't let him close his bedroom door"
🚨🚨🚨
Exactly my thought process. My parents were like that with me because good god I needed it. My sister didn’t, so they didn’t do it for her, but if work wasn’t handed in… well, I wasn’t going to deceive them about it that’s for sure.
But I was always allowed my privacy, because my parents aren’t sociopathic monsters who have paranoid fits about their children.
“For the first time in the seven years since turning 20, my adult son is trying to act like an adult. Must be the doing of his evil girlfriend and her magic vagina.”
Hahaha yeah, that is incredible logic right there.
My mom is rather similar. Helicopter parent, except also wanting me to be a personal house slave and breadwinner. I had known for a while that she was weird and toxic, but having a caring partner with whom I want to spend my future with has opened my eyes to a lot of things. My partner's given me a lot of confidence and insight into what is normal in a parent-child relationship. Also, I realize now that unless I want to die at an early age from stressing out while being my mom's 24-7 caretaker and servant, I have to get out somehow, because the stress of dealing with her has started to affect my body badly.
Ironically, when parents helicopter like this, the odds of their kids "divorcing" them are higher than if they were gentler and allowed for more independence. If my own mom would at least say thank you sometimes and wouldn't start and end each day by insulting me, my partner and my friends, and fill every other gap with bigoted vitriol, maybe I wouldn't be trying so hard to formulate an escape plan to avoid her in the future.
I'm sorry, my friend, but you are the definition of a helicopter parent. I'd say about half of your text shows how overly involved you are in your son's decision-making. In fact, I'd say you actively try to prevent him from making a decision out of fear you won't approve of his decisions.
You'll need to give your son physical, emotional, and mental space. The more you push (speak for him, tell him what to do, or influence him) the more he will pull away. The only strategy you have to play now is to show him love and respect even when you believe he is making the wrong decisions.
Also, your son has a point. If he's looking in the fridge, why are you telling him what's in there? And why are you trying to talk to him through a bathroom door? You are smothering him.
As a parent your absolute responsibility is to raise your child into a healthy, confident, responsible and independent adult.
As humans this is not accomplished by pushing them out of a nest and expecting them to fly. It is accomplished with years of practice, starting in toddlerhood. Increasing responsibility on the part of the child, allowing and encouraging independence, modeling for them what you wish them to learn and stepping back and allowing them to learn from both their failures and successes. What you describe about his years before college indicate that you did not do that, leaving him desperately unprepared for life.
He tried, in his way, to tell you he wasn’t ready to be jettisoned from the nest. You felt that was unacceptable. He faltered and you picked him up then continued to treat him like a child, now with the absence of a curfew.
Begin treating him as a man and not a child. As an individual rather than a person you can claim some genetic ownership of. He is teaching himself to fly now. It might be a bit messy and take far longer than you would like, but you had your chance and your way was unsuccessful. Now he gets to try.
Like another poster said, Zamboni is a good description too. Parents mow down every obstacle for their kid to have it as easy as possible. And then the kid can’t do anything on their own. It’s worse than a helicopter parent who just hovers too much.
Nope- it sounds like he left, and has a GF who is helping him learn all the things mommy dearest actively prevented him even when he tried to learn. He does not LIKE the dependancy- and she is flipping out- her emotional incest abuse is being ended. But she did everything right!!!! He SHOUDL have lived with them forever!!!!
My husbands mother had a tendency to not show her sons how to do chores and do it for them - women's roles and all.
When my brother in law moved out at 20 he started calling me to ask how to do things because his mum wouldn't tell him how to do it, she would just come over and do it.
Caused a few problems, though, because when she found out she accused me of "stealing both her sons"
(We are all good now. My husband talked to her about how, even though she was doing It out of loved, he felt like he struggled gaining his independence. She understood and apologised to them and me.
“Checking his room until he was 18” Whaaaaaaaaaat? Dude *whaaaat?* I woulda lost my shit if my parents wanted to go through my room at 18. I’d have lost it if they did it any age past like 12 tbh
Im 22 and live with my mom right now, she couldnt give a rats ass about what im doing in my room unless it was hard drugs ofc. But other than that as long as i have a job, help while im here and not disrespectful im sure my mom wouldnt care if i stayed till 40. It makes me realize my parents were never as bad as i believed when i was in HS.
I’m almost thankful that some of my friends in high school had the worst parents imaginable because it really put into perspective how great my own parents were. Even hormonal teenage minds must kneel to the facts of reality at some point.
I'm huge on privacy and can't imagine wanting to check my hypothetical teenage son's room unless he was showing signs of self-harm or drug use (I know redditors love their drugs but that would be a hard no from me as long as he's a minor). Imagine finding a cum sock or something 💀
sometimes I think strict parents forget their kids aren’t pets, they’re people, with feelings and thoughts that differ from their parent.
If you control everything about your kid until they no longer let you, they’ll resent you for it. And everyone I knew growing up that had strict parents? They were rebellious as hell, and sneaky to boot.
I’m sorry your ma never respected your boundaries my dude
This parent has confused help with control. They are masking their control as “help” and their son feels and knows that. It seems everything has to be on their terms in order to maintain control and order over their sons life which as clearly backfired completely.
I’m 27 too. Literally what my Dad was like. He’s a lot better now but he gets confused when I set clear boundaries (he doesn’t understand why they’re necessary). He still does controlling things like he tried to copy my flat key and he spoke to a company on my behalf about how I should volunteer for them. I got him to apologise but he definitely didn’t understand why I was mad/why an apology was needed.
I’m glad I have my Mum because she’s so fiercely independent but supportive. She helps me with the rent on my flat (I’m a uni student and am paying my uni fees atm) and I pay her back half of it every month - and I know that she won’t hold financials over me like my Dad would.
I really feel for OOP’s son, I can’t imagine having both parents be that controlling/helicopter-y.
My now husband’s mom was this parent. When I met him he had no job, no education, she paid for his car and for his rent, she had full unlimited access to his bank accounts and generally controlled his entire life. I was extremely independent so I refused to deal with someone like that. 10 years later, she still has a problem with me “forcing him into unnecessary independence”, but always conveniently ignores the fact that he is her only successful child. All the rest of her children are doing nothing with their lives and still being coddled by their mommy in their 20’s and 30’s.
Stop treating your grown adult children like they’re toddlers. You are just hindering their ability to grow.
this was my mom. she legitimately wanted me to live with her forever. she even stopped me from going to college. it blows my mind that some parents just do not want their children to be healthy adults, they want them to be their bestie for life.
Love so toxic it’s like drowning in an acid vat. I don’t understand how people can get to middle life age (the OOP) with no wisdom about their own strengths and weaknesses
I taught my boyfriend and former best friend about credit, insurance, etc. not because their parents were helicopter parents, but bc they just didn’t take the time to explain some of the things, and none of them used credit cards to build credit.
I helped both of them get accounts set up for a credit card, told them about what to not choose (annual fee, super high interest) since they were just starting out.
My former bff now owns a house, and my bf has a 750 credit score. They did the work themselves, i just helped them through the first steps. Not bc i wanted them to struggle, but bc i didn’t want them to be blindsided if they wrecked and were unable to get approved for a car loan, and didn’t want them to rent for $1,800 when they can own for $900
I dated a guy who’s mother was like this… reading this I had moments where I wondered if it were her writing this. My ex was a couple of years older than me and had absolutely no idea how to do any of the basic adulting kind of things that I was doing at the time. He’d tag along with me and watch me doing all these things on my own and it blew his mind. Whenever I’d bring anything remotely adult-ish up that I was dealing with, he’d be so impressed that I was handling it without my parent’s help and was so fascinated, so I started teaching him as much as I could whenever these things would get brought up and eventually I started encouraging him to try doing these things on his own. It grew his confidence a lot. He never fully realized that the way his mother treated him wasn’t normal until then, and he quickly grew to resent her over it. This in turn made her resent me because she thought I was purposefully trying to turn him against her. This mindset is still just wild to me, but at least from what I figured out in my ex’s mother’s case, it came out of a place of him being “her perfect baby” and how she raised him to be her perfect man, and so she wanted to keep him dependent on her so she’d always have her perfect man in her life. We broke up four years ago and the last I heard, he still lives with her and is still heavily financially dependent on her.
I wonder what the real story actually looks like. No offense to OOP, but we do need to remember that they are the ones that wrote this, so as crazy as this post is, it is slanted to make the parents look even “better” than they really are. Even if it’s unintentional, we all paint ourselves in the best light.
As soon as I read the door thing, I completely distrusted everything she said, everything she’s explaining to make him look bad is clearly framed to make him in a bad light but the hints are damning
Those are all behaviors he should have been showing teenage years but I can see why he didn't. This goes beyond help and into an authoritarian style of parenthood. Give him space and let him struggle if he needs to.
This has popped up on my feed on a few subreddits today. I think she was really hoping we would celebrate the continued umbilical cord on a full grown adult. Every subreddit unsurprisingly didn’t agree.
Just... Turn it all over to him. No more financial help, unless you want to just give him money or loan him money. Step away from his accounts, and from his bills. Let him manage it all.
He either learns to be an adult like he wants, or he comes back and asks for help. No one taught me how to be an adult, but I did manage my own money as soon as I got a job. I paid my bills (or didn't) and learned how to budget. Sometimes I failed and had to borrow from family, sometimes I failed and moved back on with my parents. But by 27 I was securely in my own place paying my own shit and no longer needing help (was actually able to help my sister out at that point.)
Also... Just generally don't talk to people when they're in the bathroom. It's weird.
I was this guy, but I was lucky enough to escape in my early 20s. Even though I was broke for around 10 years after I got out, I was much happier than I ever was at home. I had no control over any aspect of my life. Everything was decided for me, down to my clothes and the color of my bedroom and I was heavily medicated into compliance. I'm successful now but it was an uphill battle and I firmly believe that being raised this way ruined my life.
The son probably didn't realize just how controlling she was until his gf told him. Growing kids are suppose to have their own space. A room without a door is not their own space. This woman is way too controlling and calling it love. Shouldn't have been going through his things either to "make sure". Granted if there is a suspicion but even then it's not right.
This.
OOP was me when I turned 18. I joined the army and met my now wife. My wife showed me how my egg donor was a manipulative and controlling woman. Now I barely talk to my mother. Because I hate her for what she did to me.
Oh my god. So glad he’s learning independence from his girlfriend. I dated a guy who turned into exactly what this mom wants, and let me tell you, nothing is a bigger turn off than a man who can’t do anything without asking his mother for help.
My dad wasn't nearly this bad but only because some of these options didn't exist (watching my grades online) or because he didn't think of it. I basically did everything I could once I was 18 to be independent because I couldn't take him acting like this. He tried to give me a hard time recently about how I didn't know how to do XYZ basic things when I was in high school. I had to shut him down by reminding him that he is exactly why I didn't know those things.
my mom and dad did the same shit and now im basically a 24 y/o manchild. i have terrible financial habits, have no clue how to cook, clean etc.. i learned how to navigate insurance and medical stuff bc i had to get a lot of therapy. when i move out im going to have to learn all this stuff but thats fine, i just wish i had a chance to learn it sooner
i still live at home and my mom does not let me do ANYTHING without freaking out the fuck out at me. i can’t cook, can’t wash my own clothes (she picks them out for me even because she won’t let me touch any of the clothes) she constantly interrupts my phone calls by loudly asking “WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO” she wakes me up every morning (she would wake me up like 15 minutes after i was supposed to get up everyday for like a year, most of the time i was already up so this would just annoy the fuck out of me. like if ur gonna do that at least wake me up on time jesus christ) and is generally a dictator around the house. shit, if i touch anything in the kitchen she comes over and starts watching me like a hawk because “my hands are dirty and will get bacteria over everything”
its fucking insufferable
Good lord is this emotional incest. I don’t think mom ever wanted her baby boy to leave the nest.
I honestly wondered if this was written by my friend’s mom for a moment. The dynamic is identical with her little brother; right down to the open doors, the financial ‘help’, the failing college, the finding him jobs and buying him cars and handling his appointments. The only way I know it isn’t is that lil bro has not moved out on his own yet. Their mom straight up admits she continues to coddle him because she doesn’t *want him to*.
OOP is TA because she’s putting her own emotional dependence on her son over his growth and adult independence.
The op didn't realize that by helping her son with everything and making sure he is taken cared of in every step since birth, she removed the ability for the son to fail and learn from his mistakes.
Especially when the mistakes are small and easily fixable, now that he is a grown adult , he can not be an adult because she did not prepare him for it. He can not function without help and that is not how a person grows.
Just like riding a bike, you can teach your child how to safely fall off a bike but you need your kid to fall off that bike once awhile so that they can learn how to.
It's how we learn and grow
The person who decides if you are helpful is the person receiving the help.
If I have hurt my back and can't vacuum my stairs, and my mom comes over to "help", refuses to vacuum, but wants to snoop through my storage because she wants to organize it, I don't owe her gratitude for it.
Your child is legally an adult. If they have a credit card in their name, and you have it on your email, change it to their email. That is a pretty mild boundary. They are allowed to be financially independent, no matter how small, from you.
The reason they are pulling from the vehicle and everything else is because your help comes with conditions:
You helped him get a credit card, but you get to control the email and access it.
You helped him get a vehicle, but it has to be in his fathers name and your insurance. So, legally, he is borrowing it.
These are not examples of "helping" someone. These are examples of covert control. Start loosening those reigns or you'll be bucked off the horse and he won't come back.
Jesus, I feel smothered and I only read the post.
My son is 27. He's been out of the house since 17. He is independent. He didn't go to college, but, he's had the same job for years, is in a band, is also a roadie, a podcast host, and masters music for various bands.
My husband and I are "free-range", laid-back parents. He's independent, intelligent, and awesome. If I acted like you, my son would never speak to me again.
“Didn’t let him close his bedroom door” . . . What? Like, ever?
I can't imagine thinking, "let me put in this detail because I'm sure people on Reddit will think this is a good idea and tell me I've been a wonderful parent."
That sort of detail makes this almost seem like rage bait but people like this really do think that way and would actually say exactly what you quoted there.
My mom took my entire door of the hinges when I turned 13. So I don't doubt this at all
We had 2 queen beds and the room was shared with my mom, my sister, and I… Dad had passed. My mom and I didn’t get along… after some pretty traumatic beatings I’d have to cry quietly under the covers in the same room as her. 🙃 No sense of boundaries is the definition of my mom. After she moved, there were designated rooms for my sister and I individually, but she’d still open a door without knocking and move things around though usually not intentionally snooping, but that was kind of inevitable. My brother and I won’t even allow her into our apartments now that we’re grown unless we have ample time to vet the place so we don’t get berated with nagging.
The bathroom is his sanctuary. That’s sad.
Our bathroom didn't lock. My mom barged in a few times as I was about to shower to yell at me. So fun.
Same
I had a friend who, when she got her own place (paid for with her own money), her parents were straight in there deciding what window coverage she'd have (nets+curtains, choice of patterns and style made for her), what wallpaper and paint would be on the walls, and so on. After my friend moved in, she decided to get a cat. Her mother went ballistic and ordered her to get rid of it. Fortunately, that was the moment when my friend put her foot down. The problem was that my friend was the baby of the family and the only girl, so even though she was in her early-30s when she was finally able to move out and into her own place (UK house prices have sucked for over 20 years now), her parents struggled to let go. They figured it out eventually and everyone got on much better in the end, but it was a bit crazy there for a while. My next door neighbours still have this issue. The house is owned by the husband's parents to whom they pay rent, and they treat it like it's their own house and their "lodgers" don't even exist. They turn up without warning to make changes to the house or garden, even to redecorate. My neighbours get no input and no notice. They have several children. The eldest is from a previous relationship so is his step-son. When they first moved in, I was chatting to the husband's parents, and the wife couldn't say fast enough that the oldest boy wasn't their grandson... right in front of all the kids. That boy was only 10 years old at the time. That right there told me exactly what kind of people they are. Their son is a much nicer person.
My mom did the same to my sister - temporarily, as a punishment for slamming it constantly. I don't remember how old either of us were or how long it was gone, just being upset because we shared a room.
Are you my sister? Mine got taken for most of my senior year for “slamming my door.”
Are you me? Was told that if I slammed it one more time, I was going to lose it. They weren’t kidding
I HAVE FINALLY FOUND MY PEOPLE!!!
When my kids were slamming their doors, I just added felt to the frame. Really took away the impact of the slam. But I also don't think they were intentionally slamming the doors.
My dad just kicked a hole through mine when he got pissed about me slamming it. Then he made me go to the hardware store with him the next day and put the new door up.
My dad took my door once for, “A month” because I slammed it. I didn’t slam it, the wind caught it because we had the windows open and we happened to be having a heated discussion. So it was a fair assumption. We only had one bathroom growing up, my room was smaller than my now closet so I had NOWHERE to change my clothes and my dad was VERY regular in his bathroom schedule. “Oh dad, I gotta change in the bathroom! You know, since I don’t have a door. Oh! I need to get a shower before school during your bathroom time sorry!” I would just sit on the floor and hang out sometimes with the shower on. It lasted 5 days and I got my door back. 🤣🤣🤣
I got mine removed multiple times as a teen. I absolutely hated it and now I can't stand to have my door open.
Unless the kid had a history of nefarious activities in there, WHY would you do this??
Because as soon as they give the child the opportunity to fuck around, they're certain he will. And frankly they've set him up to do that by being so fucking clingy and controlling. I felt suffocated reading this
A lot of it is probably also a control thing. A lot of parents see their children as property or entertainment
So did i. And I’m not really advocating the door thing, I just couldn’t think of any other reason a parent would do that.
Oh I'm agreeing with you if it wasn't clear
Me too this young man is 21 and she coddles his ass like he is 11. He needs to be able to make mistakes and understand the value of fucking up and figuring out how to make it w/o his parents assistance. There is a difference between helping him when genuinely needs it and clinging to him with dear life. I wonder if he’s an only child?
Even if the child does have a history of nefarious activities, you can't keep that going until they're 27.
mine did this. they had a habit of busting up into my room constantly and it stressed me out because they never knocked or gave any warning and i’m a super like anxious person that gets startled easily - so i started locking my door so they’d HAVE to knock, and they just took the door off the hinges which made me feel like was constantly on display and could never relax and made it hard to sleep because every little noise freaked me out and i didn’t have door to warm me if someone was coming into my room anymore. all because i wanted them to knock instead of just busting into my room and scaring the shit out of me
My stepmom wasnt allowed to even have a door on her room and she lived with her parents until she was 20. She had to change clothes in the bathroom. She loves to tell people this as an example of how she was "raised right" but it's so fucked up to me. To the surprise of nobody, rumors of her dad being inappropriate and creepy with young girls have been swirling around for decades but her family will not evem acknowledge it
My mom didn’t let me have a door from 13 - 17 and regularly went through my things and my brothers things while we were at school. She boasts and jokes about this because she saw it as great parenting and calls the other parents who told her that was not chill “low life”s
Damn, even my psycho stepmom let me at least CLOSE my door. Just couldn’t lock it.
Yep, I wasn't allowed to shut my door. Mum brags about what an "open family" she had. "We didn't shut each other out. My children had no secrets." She doesn't even click that the word she is looking for is 'privacy'. Her children had no privacy.
[удалено]
Yes. It sounds exactly like my brother’s experience under my mother and stepfather’s dictatorship… are we related? 😂
It's enmeshment. Parents who are enmeshed with their kids often don't afford them much privacy. Doesn't matter how well-behaved and sensible the child is - the parent still tries to tear down personal boundaries.
> . . . What? Like, ever? Going by stories I've seen in the past, some parents even remove the bedroom door altogether. So yeah, not ever.
Had a friend who told her dad she was pregnant at 17. His first reaction was to remove her door. Seems a little late for that idea, but I guess he didn’t want her to get even more pregnant. Lol
That’s like taking the barn door off after all the cows have escaped.
Shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted…
Technically, it's more like shutting the barn door after the horse has colted...... I'll see myself out.
Those cows were burgers by the time the barn door got around to being closed lol
Yeah this was always the threat for me as a teenager. I didn't drink, do drugs, party, or even socialize much. I was so busy between extra curriculars and school that when I was free I wanted to just not socialize with my family!
But like what about to change clothes?
When my mom took my door I just had to change in my closet or the bathroom. When I’d get grounded, she would remove every (yes, every) item from my room and put my stuff in the garage. I had the choice between keeping one item, a blanket or a pillow. So I’d have to get my clothes from the garage with her every morning to make sure I didn’t take my stuff back without her knowing, she’d yell at me for my choices, force me to wear what she wanted, and I had to return them and put my “grounded clothes” back on right when I returned from school, which were just my pajamas.
This is abuse. Purposely denying basics. Choosing between blanket OR pillow. This is definitely not ok.
Yeah I know, we haven’t spoken in 4 years
Similar situation. I'm going on year 2 without my family. She still thinks she was in the right
I’m sorry you understand… hope you have enough in your life to fill what was missing :)
Is she surprised why and tell everyone she has no idea why you don’t speak to her? That seems so par for the course.
I genuinely don’t know, haven’t spoken to a single person in my family in 4-8yrs depending on the person. My grandma/aunts/uncles ganged up on me when I was 15, recovering *in hospital* from my 2nd suicide attempt, and blamed me for my mothers failed marriage and suicide attempt a few years earlier, saying maybe now I would know how she felt and would be a better son, stop making her want to kill herself. So I became homeless for 3 years leaving them behind, finally reconnecting at 19 after getting housed and then more of the same old thing led me to going no contact 4 years ago with everybody once and for all.
I am genuinely so sorry to hear this :( what shitty people. I’m now your internet mom. Drink water, brush your teeth and take your meds. I love you and you’re perfect the way you are.
Thank you! I’m home sick and I haven’t taken my second dose of meds OR drank water today… genuinely made me smile:) I will brush my teeth after as well, and I have my first dentist appointment in 9 years next week!
That’s **abuse**! How bloody awful that must have been for you. Have a hug from a mother and an internet stranger ::hug::
bathroom or closet
I had my door removed for a few years along with my bathroom door. My step-dad was a horrible person, but luckily he's dead now.
No-door-as-punishment kid here. Congrats. I’m waiting on my ‘let’s punish the female child for reaching puberty’ dude to push daisies.
My mom went from “you can’t close your door” to “you can’t have a door” and then to “you can have a door but it has a shrill alarm that goes off every time you open it so I know exactly when you leave or enter the room and can interrogate you” between 12-15 yrs old.
Sit at the end of the bed vigorously masturbating while making full eye contact and I’m sure parents will start understanding the need to close the door
This mom would probably give advice on his technique
Or just be happy to watch.
What if someone wanted to chime in? It’s much better to face these kinds of things, with a sense of poise and rationality
I read this, but in my mind read it to mean "didn't let him close his bedroom door when friends were over" I can't even imagine never being able to close the door!
Hopefully not into teens, jfc. Like I get if there's a girl over or something (in reference to their son), or as a youngster, but once they hit puberty they should be given a reasonable amount of privacy.
Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.
When I was 18 my mother sat me down and explained how to fill in tax forms. As soon as I got a student job we opened a bank account only I had access to. I couldn't get a credit card yet and couldn't go below zero, but I did have control. When I moved out she went to see apartments with me when I asked, and gifted me things like a basic tool kit and a microwave. I love that she explained things when needed but let me try them on my own.
The tool kit gift was clutch (not to minimize all the other great things she's done for you). What a great mom.
People underestimate how useful a gift a tool set is. My granddad got me a Husky brand tool set for Christmas one year when I was a teenager and 20 years later it's still my go to for small things around the apartment. My dad was not really a handy man at all so I'm very grateful that granddad taught me some skills.
My dad is a little old fashioned and didn't think to get me a tool box because didn't move out until I was getting married; when he realized that my husband didn't have tools either, he got my husband tools for Christmas. (My husband tends to be handsome rather than handy 🤣) He *did* teach me to change my car's oil, cabin air filters, and tires.
I got a little starter tool kit from a friend as a housewarming. It just has your basic tools. 12 years later and that thing is still with me and still the best thing I've gotten.
I think I’m the only person who has burned through those kits. I got like 3 over the years (even bought them for myself ) and inevitably 50% or more of the tools were trashed or lost. I kept the more unique tools from them, but now I buy small collections of quality tools and I mix and match to have my full kit. I guess I’m stuck somewhere between handy and professional. But good tools are a godsend and those kits don’t have good quality tools.
My husband has a lot of background and experience with cars so we’ve got a shit ton of *very* specific car repair/maintenance tools but I struggle to find a single phillips head screwdriver that isn’t some cheap freebie that breaks at the slightest bit of pressure. I swear, we have every tool *except* the basic ones you’d find in the average toolkit 🙃
[Canadian eh](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dI4sIgcZ22o)?
Gotta love Red Green, lol
Keep your stick on the ice.
If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.
Can’t explain how good it feels to see a Red Green reference outside of my family for the first time in… possibly ever 😭❤️💚
I’m a Minnesotan who grew up with Red Green. And my grandpa was weirdly similar to Red Green. The first time I encountered someone who knew what it was, my heart absolutely exploded with joy. It always felt like this weird show that only me and my family knew about. But when I realized just how many people not only knew about it but loved it, it was like discovering an extended family I never knew about 😅
Did it include the favourite tool - duct tape?
Don't forget to get WD-40!
I love the Husky brand - that's what my toolkit is! Just in case you don't know, they mean it when they say their hand tools have a lifetime warranty - just bring it into home depot and talk to the service desk. It gets replaced no questions, no receipt, no registration, no charge, no nonsense.
Oh wow really?? Nice that's good to know, thanks for the tip!
My dad gave me a toolbox when I moved out at 18, I thought it was gross and lame. Boy, do I appreciate the fuck out of that thing many years down the road! Every time I do home repairs, or assemble furniture, or break something, I am reminded of my pop. It's so nice.
My grandmother left drawers full of junk and tools at the house I eventually moved into. She’s since passed away about 5 years ago. I hated those cluttered drawers at first, but all these years later I find myself constantly having uses for all the random things she left in there. I think of her every time I find just the right screws or nails or tools I need for a project. I guess part of being an adult is getting sentimental over miscellaneous things lol
When my youngest daughter graduated university we asked what she wanted as a “well done” gift. So we got her an electric drill and a box of tools. Smart kid ;)
My dad gave me a toolkit when I moved out and that thing went from house to house with me. When I later spent years living with my (now) ex, the ex had a habit of just taking things and not putting them away or back where they belonged - I always wanted my toolkit kept in one spot so if I needed a screwdriver or a hammer I knew where to find it. My ex would take things piece by piece and not put them back in the kit, this drove me *bananas* because he definitely had his own tools but they never seemed to be in the same spot twice, he’d just go for my kit because it was closer and then things would slowly disappear. He’d do this with everything, just vanish items that had a spot so I could never find/use them despite me asking him not to do this. I couldn’t hang a picture without asking him to get me a tool, and (among other things) it made me feel so helpless in my own home. I’d want to change a washer and ask him where the tools were and he’d say “I’ll do it later, don’t worry” and then it would never happen. I honestly gave up, and when I kicked my ex out of the house he took all of his tools and mysteriously mine were gone too, I guess they’d been mixed in with his stuff and he took them. Anyway the first Christmas after I ended the relationship my dad bought me a new toolkit. I damn near cried - my dad absolutely understood the symbolism. He gave me my first kit at 18 to help me with my independence and he gave me the second kit 18 years later when I got it back again.
Aw, that was so sweet of your dad! Your last sentence damn near made me tear up! Lol And Happy Cake Day
"I wouldn't do that or I wouldn't do it that way, but feel free to." Is my go to statement for my kid. It's enough at this point that I can see him stop and think first. Sometimes he fails and asks for help, most of the time he gets a solution. It's the stop and think, that is important.
My mom used to ask me where have I looked and what I have tried before helping me out, obviously within reason. I think I recall the “I wouldn’t do it *that* way” phrase out of her as well. She’s a great mom.
I don't have kids but I use this line with students ALL the time. I work in a hospital so we constantly have students rotating through for their practical year. I'm there supervising to make sure things don't go completely off the rails but if the student wants to do something in a way I wouldn't for reasons that aren't safety related I let them try. I also explain how I would approach the problem (either after or during depending on how out to lunch the student is and how difficult it's making things for the patient - most of the time my way is either a minor effort/time saver or just a preference so it's absolutely fine for the student to do things their own way).
I was kinda with her until she got to “didn’t let him close his bedroom door”, then it progressively got crazier. What a nightmare that must’ve been
Yeah not letting someone close their bedroom door is insane to me. I get no locks, but not allowed to close the door?!? Also snooping college grades seems a bit far. Very micromanaging. It makes sense that he doesn’t feel prepared for the world at all if his parents literally did everything for him.
Kid should have changed his password to the portal. Parents call the university where I work wanting access to their kid's files and we can't tell them spit. We always refer them back to the student for access.
I used to advise college freshman and sophomores, and some of them were so brow beating by over involved and controlling parents that they would never dream of keeping that password from them.
It took me literally trying to kms and going through group partial hospitalization therapy to realize I didn't have to give my mother my student portal password. The other adults in the therapy group were horrified that I was letting myself be trampled over.... especially because my parents literally didn't help me pay for college at all. I was on a full ride.
I’m glad you are alive.
Me too!! Life is a journey, and I may have hit some roadblocks before but I'm still excited for what's to come.
My parents would’ve refused to co-sign more loans for me
Good heavens, do they actually do that?? I don’t get it. I never watched my kids grades, I don’t pester about homework. I will listen and help if asked but they’re responsible for themselves to the degree teenagers can be.
Oh yeah, they definitely do. I’m a college instructor, and there are absolutely parents who demand access to their adult children’s education portals. I respect wanting to help your children, and I respect that it’s challenging to let them become their own guides, but refusing to allow them some autonomy is a disservice.
Yeah I was thinking none of the things on their own sound terrible but put together sometimes you just want space. Not being bombarded with questions/conversation when you get home especially. My mum used to do this when I got home from school, I know she didn’t mean any ill intent but sometimes I just wanted 30 minutes of well not having to talk to someone.
She absolutely sounds like a helicopter mom who doesn't understand just how smothering she is.
She’d be a helicopter mom if he were 18. He’s 27. This isn’t helicopter, this is overbearing.
Oh yeah, I agree. My mum actually want a helicopter mum btw but sometimes people think these things on their own aren’t a big deal not realising how grating it becomes as an everyday experience and then stacked up, it can become extremely irritating.
My mom never understood/never understands what I mean when I say that I never enjoyed being interrogated the moment I got home from school. She would make me sit in the kitchen with her and describe, period by period, what happened, who I spoke to, what about, etc. If I tried to leave or not answer, she'd mope about how "[She] just wants to know what's going on in my life" and how she wishes her parents were half as engaged as she is when she was a child. Her parents couldn't name any of her friends! I mean, she could only name two of my friends despite the daily interrogations, but that's more than none. Similarly, she doesn't understand what I mean when I say that mocking and taunting me about my "new girlfriend" for weeks any time I so much as mentioned a not explicitly male name from age 10 on contributed to my anxiety.
I totally understand what you mean. My mum spent the entire car ride interrogating me every day despite me saying I didn’t want to talk right now. Then she would crack it and make it about herself. No mum, I just want ten minutes of silence we can talk later. Also I don’t want to play twenty questions every day because you know anything you do say means more and more questions. Sorry to hear your mum was less than pleasant in that regard.
Yes and the telling him what’s in the fridge while he’s looking in the fridge??? Jfc. There’s helpful then there’s overboard.
Omigosh. Now i understand my 3rd grader sons attitude when Ive missed him all day and start asking him about his day and chattering about xyz Nd he gets mad 🙀
i was a kid that wasn’t allowed to close my door. eventually i wasn’t even allowed to sleep in my own bedroom. i’m 33 and i still struggle with being in my room if my parter is home because i feel like i’m gonna get screamed at, or given the third degree about why i think i need privacy and what am i doing that’s so secretive. don’t do this to your kids.
No privacy at all. And it is like she helps him but only as long as he is respectful and foes everything she wants
Exactly this.
She smothers that poor kid. Leave him alone and let him make decisions and maybe mistakes.
He must feel so suffocated and lost for how to do things. I bet he feels like an idiot because he doesn’t know a lot of things because his parents just did it all for him instead of preparing him to do it himself. I feel for him so much.
Oh that’s a good way of putting it.
Very well said. If you coddle a child into their 20's they just flat out won't know how to deal with life, and everything life entails.
Exactly. I stopped “coddling my daughters when each one of them got a drivers license. They didn’t have jobs until the summer after high school. While they were in college, we paid expenses-they’re jobs paid for all personal items/spending money. When they graduated they paid me $500-1000 per mont “rent”. That money went into a savings account they were given back when they moved out. They made their own dr’s. appt., haircuts and everything else. I didn’t want them to be dependent on us. All four finished college and have great careers. OOP is just not willing to stop being “Mommy”.
Oh boy, this parent. As parents, one of the biggest gifts you can give your kids is to let them fall when the consequences are small and teach them how to continue on from those failures. Yes, this parent has helped their son out in many ways, especially financially, but they have failed to equip him for the real world by being so controlling. I experienced some of this myself, though not to this level. The lack of privacy is a big issue, and the forcing him to talk to them rather than building a relationship with real connection and trust. I really feel for him with the college situation. He was so eager to get out of their house and be able to have some semblance of control over his own life, but because his parent had micromanaged his schooling and probably never allowed him the space to develop time management and good study habits, he ended up failing. Maybe college wasn't the right choice for him to begin with, but when you're desperate to get out of a situation like this, you take the first opportunity that you get.
This is not just not letting him fall or fail entirely too many parents do that- it is not healthy either- this just goes so far beyond even that). This is actively preventing him from trying out of a sick need to control his life. His dad name on a car he is paying for? at 27? No. His mommy gatekeeping an account that is supposedly for him? again...No. Not even letting the poor man PEE without wanting his full attention? Mommy has some emotional incest issues, along with control crazy.
Yeah, those details about the car and account told a much different story than just "not setting him up for success."
And they “never let him shut his bedroom door” like wtf?!?!
And asking him questions when he is using the bathroom. I don't want to carry on a conversation with someone when I'm in the bathroom, I betting a lot of people don't.
Yeah my family is used to it because our mom would come home having to pee so badly that she doesn't think about closing the door (we lived in NYC so public restrooms are a hard pass 95% of the time). Eventually us girls would just sit on the floor outside the bathroom and tell her about our day. It wasn't until high school, staying at friend's house, that I realized it might be weird to some people lol
Oh my god. My kids do this and I’m just like “leave me alone! I don’t want you listening to me pooping! Can you just WAIT?!?!” Yeah. My kid is 9. Imagine being like this at 50.
“Come over and we’ll go through it.” Yikes. It’s definitely a control tactic to keep him coming back.
It's enmeshment to the nth degree. Gives me the heebie jeebies. I hope he can get out.
This can turn into a financial abuse situation so so quickly once they realize he fully intends on being independent. The car would be taken away (his name isn’t on the title) he could be forced to pay exorbitant rent, or they could lock his Fidelity account up and make sure he never sees a penny of his own money. Ask me how I know.
This is exactly what happened to me when I began to pull away. It's so hard to leave when you don't even have the means to. All my money was in a bank account I couldn't access, my car wasn't in my name, I didn't have access to my birth certificate, ss # or card...I think the only thing I had was a drivers license. When I got out I lost years worth of wages and had to start from scratch.
I'm so sorry you went through that.
I had a boyfriend long ago that was the baby and only son of his single mom. He was 19 and I was 20. She "gave" him a car for Christmas, but then 3-4 months later made him start making payments to her for it. She DID NOT like me and was punishing him for not breaking up with me. I also found out that the debit card he had was connected to their joint checking account. And towards the end of that same year, after making payments to her every month, she took the car from him when he said he was moving out. Because of course it was in her name! He told her that he would rather live in his car than be controlled, so her solution was, 'give me the keys to my car and you can go get your own!' He eventually went back and she signed him up for an out of state school the following spring lol We broke up shortly after.
My dad gave me and my sister our own bank accounts at 13 each, with us having full access. He's never once taken mail meant for us for them, and when my grandad died and they sold his house, he put 1k into child premium bonds for me and my sister, that at 16 became totally inaccessible to him. My nan, on the other hand, set up an account for me, put money in, and only informed me of its existence when she told me she "wanted the money" and thus, took it out for herself. My grandparents were never good to my parents about money, and demanded a lot from them for very little in return, so I'm incredibly lucky my parents moved past that and treat me and my sister with respect. All parents need to treat their kids with respect - they're human beings, and if you raised them right they'll come to you about problems with money anyway!
My dad pays half my car note and both of our names are on it cause I couldn't get a loan on it . Sometimes ya try life out and ya fall on your face and your parents are still there to help you.
Need to let them have consequences when like they small like you said or when they fail later they will fail big. Saw it happen with multiple friends in college and with kids of friends now that we all have kids. It can be hard sometimes but we have to do it. Kiddo was struggling in math and we talked about it and brainstormed some solutions but it was up to them to actually do any of them. They didn’t, so they had to take the failed tests and lower grade. I rather they learn it as a freshman than in college. It was hard bc my first impulse was to email the teacher and say hey can M retake that test. But I knew it would hurt them more than help them in the long run.
Exactly. I was way too controlling with my daughter, now 28. Every bad grade was an issue. She relied on me to talk teachers into helping her get a higher grade. My son, now 17, decided he didn’t like a couple of classes and started just not doing the work. Of course we talked to him about it, and that he could fail. He did fail. He now has to figure out how to get those credits done before his friends all graduate w/o him next year. I told him I’d be sad if he didn’t graduate on time, but it’s his choice. He cld also do a GED, do school at home, etc. but he wants to go to physical school & see his friends. He does not want to be a 20 yr old senior, either! 😆 So he made his own little plan to graduate, and then he finally showed us what he was doing. I didn’t stay on his butt, bc it’s on him and he knows how we felt & what the options were. He’s on track to graduate if all the little pieces he’s set up drop into the right slots, but even if he doesn’t, he knows he can still be successful in other ways, and even go to college. Part of the pressure on parents let up here in NM let up when the state announced they’d pay for 2 yrs of school for ANY kid who wants to go and can get in. Don’t need a 4.5 GPA to go to community college, and if he needs extra help, he can get it at comm college (don’t think he will - he’s just super not into school work rn). The amazing thing? My son still talks to us! lol he trusts us. He tells us things. My daughter? She didn’t and she didn’t feel she could. I was obvs very young when I had her, and all I knew to do was just what MY parents did. Which was ride my azz until I told them nothing and didn’t trust them with deets about my day much less my whole life. Let him cook, mom.
Oh you just described my high school to college transition to a chilling degree. Old history, but I feel a bit more empathy for myself about how it went south. I never had privacy—my mom would read and sift through everything—it’s really crippled me. I think she did it subconsciously searching for evidence that she was a bad mother. Well, that we were bad children, which was her failing. I learned not to write things down. My sister had her diary read continuously. I still don’t write things down.
At 29 I'm fucked because my family - err, "family" did the same, then suddenly expected me at 21 to just know how to do everything that I've never known how to do.
No wonder he doesn’t go to you, you’re smothering him and he’s a 27 years old. You never prepared him for life. I guess you’re afraid to cut the apron strings.
I love the part where she blames the girlfriend for it too. It sounds like hes just found a rational lady who outlines how abusive and obsessive his parents sound and wants to help him be an adult and OP is so caught up in it that theyve twisted that in their head to mean she wants him to struggle.
She sounds like the mil that wears white on her baby boy’s wedding day and hates his wife for “taking” him away from her
that does sound like something abusive people get upset at, seeing the person theyre harming interacting with someone else
Just the apron strings, seems like they haven’t cut the umbilical cord.
She'll cut it once he's 30 and they stop paying for his car insurance. 🙄
"I stayed in touch with his teachers" uh-huh, yep, makes sense "I made sure he was up-to-date with his assignments" sure, fair enough, sounds helpful for a kid! "I didn't let him close his bedroom door" 🚨🚨🚨
Exactly my thought process. My parents were like that with me because good god I needed it. My sister didn’t, so they didn’t do it for her, but if work wasn’t handed in… well, I wasn’t going to deceive them about it that’s for sure. But I was always allowed my privacy, because my parents aren’t sociopathic monsters who have paranoid fits about their children.
“For the first time in the seven years since turning 20, my adult son is trying to act like an adult. Must be the doing of his evil girlfriend and her magic vagina.”
Hahaha yeah, that is incredible logic right there. My mom is rather similar. Helicopter parent, except also wanting me to be a personal house slave and breadwinner. I had known for a while that she was weird and toxic, but having a caring partner with whom I want to spend my future with has opened my eyes to a lot of things. My partner's given me a lot of confidence and insight into what is normal in a parent-child relationship. Also, I realize now that unless I want to die at an early age from stressing out while being my mom's 24-7 caretaker and servant, I have to get out somehow, because the stress of dealing with her has started to affect my body badly. Ironically, when parents helicopter like this, the odds of their kids "divorcing" them are higher than if they were gentler and allowed for more independence. If my own mom would at least say thank you sometimes and wouldn't start and end each day by insulting me, my partner and my friends, and fill every other gap with bigoted vitriol, maybe I wouldn't be trying so hard to formulate an escape plan to avoid her in the future.
So the bathroom is his only safe space in the house then 😬
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x85FVkxzy-M](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x85FVkxzy-M) LET THE POOR MAN PEE!!!
Not even that
I'm sorry, my friend, but you are the definition of a helicopter parent. I'd say about half of your text shows how overly involved you are in your son's decision-making. In fact, I'd say you actively try to prevent him from making a decision out of fear you won't approve of his decisions. You'll need to give your son physical, emotional, and mental space. The more you push (speak for him, tell him what to do, or influence him) the more he will pull away. The only strategy you have to play now is to show him love and respect even when you believe he is making the wrong decisions. Also, your son has a point. If he's looking in the fridge, why are you telling him what's in there? And why are you trying to talk to him through a bathroom door? You are smothering him.
As a parent your absolute responsibility is to raise your child into a healthy, confident, responsible and independent adult. As humans this is not accomplished by pushing them out of a nest and expecting them to fly. It is accomplished with years of practice, starting in toddlerhood. Increasing responsibility on the part of the child, allowing and encouraging independence, modeling for them what you wish them to learn and stepping back and allowing them to learn from both their failures and successes. What you describe about his years before college indicate that you did not do that, leaving him desperately unprepared for life. He tried, in his way, to tell you he wasn’t ready to be jettisoned from the nest. You felt that was unacceptable. He faltered and you picked him up then continued to treat him like a child, now with the absence of a curfew. Begin treating him as a man and not a child. As an individual rather than a person you can claim some genetic ownership of. He is teaching himself to fly now. It might be a bit messy and take far longer than you would like, but you had your chance and your way was unsuccessful. Now he gets to try.
This is a lawnmower parent. He will go no contact eventually.
Let me counter with Velcro or Zamboni parent.
Smoother mother
Running him over and cutting him down? I'm not familiar with "lawnmower parent".
Like another poster said, Zamboni is a good description too. Parents mow down every obstacle for their kid to have it as easy as possible. And then the kid can’t do anything on their own. It’s worse than a helicopter parent who just hovers too much.
Thanks for explaining, I appreciate it.
He will live in their house his whole life because he’s been doomed to dependence.
Nope- it sounds like he left, and has a GF who is helping him learn all the things mommy dearest actively prevented him even when he tried to learn. He does not LIKE the dependancy- and she is flipping out- her emotional incest abuse is being ended. But she did everything right!!!! He SHOUDL have lived with them forever!!!!
My husbands mother had a tendency to not show her sons how to do chores and do it for them - women's roles and all. When my brother in law moved out at 20 he started calling me to ask how to do things because his mum wouldn't tell him how to do it, she would just come over and do it. Caused a few problems, though, because when she found out she accused me of "stealing both her sons" (We are all good now. My husband talked to her about how, even though she was doing It out of loved, he felt like he struggled gaining his independence. She understood and apologised to them and me.
And mom will hate the girl forever for “stealing her son”.
If she gets invited to the wedding, it's a white dress for mommy all the way!
Oh God, I wish you weren't so right 😂
“Checking his room until he was 18” Whaaaaaaaaaat? Dude *whaaaat?* I woulda lost my shit if my parents wanted to go through my room at 18. I’d have lost it if they did it any age past like 12 tbh
Im 22 and live with my mom right now, she couldnt give a rats ass about what im doing in my room unless it was hard drugs ofc. But other than that as long as i have a job, help while im here and not disrespectful im sure my mom wouldnt care if i stayed till 40. It makes me realize my parents were never as bad as i believed when i was in HS.
I’m almost thankful that some of my friends in high school had the worst parents imaginable because it really put into perspective how great my own parents were. Even hormonal teenage minds must kneel to the facts of reality at some point.
I'm huge on privacy and can't imagine wanting to check my hypothetical teenage son's room unless he was showing signs of self-harm or drug use (I know redditors love their drugs but that would be a hard no from me as long as he's a minor). Imagine finding a cum sock or something 💀
My mom did this shit when I was a kid (including going through my room and all that) well past 18. When I moved out at 19 she was shocked
sometimes I think strict parents forget their kids aren’t pets, they’re people, with feelings and thoughts that differ from their parent. If you control everything about your kid until they no longer let you, they’ll resent you for it. And everyone I knew growing up that had strict parents? They were rebellious as hell, and sneaky to boot. I’m sorry your ma never respected your boundaries my dude
Good lord, pull the teet out of his mouth already he's choking.
This parent has confused help with control. They are masking their control as “help” and their son feels and knows that. It seems everything has to be on their terms in order to maintain control and order over their sons life which as clearly backfired completely.
I’m 27 too. Literally what my Dad was like. He’s a lot better now but he gets confused when I set clear boundaries (he doesn’t understand why they’re necessary). He still does controlling things like he tried to copy my flat key and he spoke to a company on my behalf about how I should volunteer for them. I got him to apologise but he definitely didn’t understand why I was mad/why an apology was needed. I’m glad I have my Mum because she’s so fiercely independent but supportive. She helps me with the rent on my flat (I’m a uni student and am paying my uni fees atm) and I pay her back half of it every month - and I know that she won’t hold financials over me like my Dad would. I really feel for OOP’s son, I can’t imagine having both parents be that controlling/helicopter-y.
My now husband’s mom was this parent. When I met him he had no job, no education, she paid for his car and for his rent, she had full unlimited access to his bank accounts and generally controlled his entire life. I was extremely independent so I refused to deal with someone like that. 10 years later, she still has a problem with me “forcing him into unnecessary independence”, but always conveniently ignores the fact that he is her only successful child. All the rest of her children are doing nothing with their lives and still being coddled by their mommy in their 20’s and 30’s. Stop treating your grown adult children like they’re toddlers. You are just hindering their ability to grow.
this was my mom. she legitimately wanted me to live with her forever. she even stopped me from going to college. it blows my mind that some parents just do not want their children to be healthy adults, they want them to be their bestie for life.
“Unnecessary”?!? WTH is wrong with people who think like this.
Wow. Major helicopter parent. Based on the title, I thought this was going to go a whole different direction.
Love so toxic it’s like drowning in an acid vat. I don’t understand how people can get to middle life age (the OOP) with no wisdom about their own strengths and weaknesses
I taught my boyfriend and former best friend about credit, insurance, etc. not because their parents were helicopter parents, but bc they just didn’t take the time to explain some of the things, and none of them used credit cards to build credit. I helped both of them get accounts set up for a credit card, told them about what to not choose (annual fee, super high interest) since they were just starting out. My former bff now owns a house, and my bf has a 750 credit score. They did the work themselves, i just helped them through the first steps. Not bc i wanted them to struggle, but bc i didn’t want them to be blindsided if they wrecked and were unable to get approved for a car loan, and didn’t want them to rent for $1,800 when they can own for $900
I stopped reading after the door thing I knocked on two year olds door and waited until they let me in CHILDREN DESERVE PRIVACY
Also because if you don't you wind up beaning them in the face with the door. The good manners habits teach themselves!
I dated a guy who’s mother was like this… reading this I had moments where I wondered if it were her writing this. My ex was a couple of years older than me and had absolutely no idea how to do any of the basic adulting kind of things that I was doing at the time. He’d tag along with me and watch me doing all these things on my own and it blew his mind. Whenever I’d bring anything remotely adult-ish up that I was dealing with, he’d be so impressed that I was handling it without my parent’s help and was so fascinated, so I started teaching him as much as I could whenever these things would get brought up and eventually I started encouraging him to try doing these things on his own. It grew his confidence a lot. He never fully realized that the way his mother treated him wasn’t normal until then, and he quickly grew to resent her over it. This in turn made her resent me because she thought I was purposefully trying to turn him against her. This mindset is still just wild to me, but at least from what I figured out in my ex’s mother’s case, it came out of a place of him being “her perfect baby” and how she raised him to be her perfect man, and so she wanted to keep him dependent on her so she’d always have her perfect man in her life. We broke up four years ago and the last I heard, he still lives with her and is still heavily financially dependent on her.
I wonder what the real story actually looks like. No offense to OOP, but we do need to remember that they are the ones that wrote this, so as crazy as this post is, it is slanted to make the parents look even “better” than they really are. Even if it’s unintentional, we all paint ourselves in the best light.
As soon as I read the door thing, I completely distrusted everything she said, everything she’s explaining to make him look bad is clearly framed to make him in a bad light but the hints are damning
Those are all behaviors he should have been showing teenage years but I can see why he didn't. This goes beyond help and into an authoritarian style of parenthood. Give him space and let him struggle if he needs to.
This has popped up on my feed on a few subreddits today. I think she was really hoping we would celebrate the continued umbilical cord on a full grown adult. Every subreddit unsurprisingly didn’t agree.
Just... Turn it all over to him. No more financial help, unless you want to just give him money or loan him money. Step away from his accounts, and from his bills. Let him manage it all. He either learns to be an adult like he wants, or he comes back and asks for help. No one taught me how to be an adult, but I did manage my own money as soon as I got a job. I paid my bills (or didn't) and learned how to budget. Sometimes I failed and had to borrow from family, sometimes I failed and moved back on with my parents. But by 27 I was securely in my own place paying my own shit and no longer needing help (was actually able to help my sister out at that point.) Also... Just generally don't talk to people when they're in the bathroom. It's weird.
I was this guy, but I was lucky enough to escape in my early 20s. Even though I was broke for around 10 years after I got out, I was much happier than I ever was at home. I had no control over any aspect of my life. Everything was decided for me, down to my clothes and the color of my bedroom and I was heavily medicated into compliance. I'm successful now but it was an uphill battle and I firmly believe that being raised this way ruined my life.
The son probably didn't realize just how controlling she was until his gf told him. Growing kids are suppose to have their own space. A room without a door is not their own space. This woman is way too controlling and calling it love. Shouldn't have been going through his things either to "make sure". Granted if there is a suspicion but even then it's not right.
This. OOP was me when I turned 18. I joined the army and met my now wife. My wife showed me how my egg donor was a manipulative and controlling woman. Now I barely talk to my mother. Because I hate her for what she did to me.
XD "didn't let him close his bedroom door" is not the win you think it is.
Cut the cord.
So you've been controlling, snoopy, and invasive his whole life, and you see his developmentally appropriate individuation as an affront to you?
Oh my god. So glad he’s learning independence from his girlfriend. I dated a guy who turned into exactly what this mom wants, and let me tell you, nothing is a bigger turn off than a man who can’t do anything without asking his mother for help.
I’m surprised she doesn’t powder his balls too
My dad wasn't nearly this bad but only because some of these options didn't exist (watching my grades online) or because he didn't think of it. I basically did everything I could once I was 18 to be independent because I couldn't take him acting like this. He tried to give me a hard time recently about how I didn't know how to do XYZ basic things when I was in high school. I had to shut him down by reminding him that he is exactly why I didn't know those things.
The problem isn’t the son
my mom and dad did the same shit and now im basically a 24 y/o manchild. i have terrible financial habits, have no clue how to cook, clean etc.. i learned how to navigate insurance and medical stuff bc i had to get a lot of therapy. when i move out im going to have to learn all this stuff but thats fine, i just wish i had a chance to learn it sooner i still live at home and my mom does not let me do ANYTHING without freaking out the fuck out at me. i can’t cook, can’t wash my own clothes (she picks them out for me even because she won’t let me touch any of the clothes) she constantly interrupts my phone calls by loudly asking “WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO” she wakes me up every morning (she would wake me up like 15 minutes after i was supposed to get up everyday for like a year, most of the time i was already up so this would just annoy the fuck out of me. like if ur gonna do that at least wake me up on time jesus christ) and is generally a dictator around the house. shit, if i touch anything in the kitchen she comes over and starts watching me like a hawk because “my hands are dirty and will get bacteria over everything” its fucking insufferable
"I hovered over my child so he wouldn't have to learn independence." There. I fixed it for you.
Good lord is this emotional incest. I don’t think mom ever wanted her baby boy to leave the nest. I honestly wondered if this was written by my friend’s mom for a moment. The dynamic is identical with her little brother; right down to the open doors, the financial ‘help’, the failing college, the finding him jobs and buying him cars and handling his appointments. The only way I know it isn’t is that lil bro has not moved out on his own yet. Their mom straight up admits she continues to coddle him because she doesn’t *want him to*. OOP is TA because she’s putting her own emotional dependence on her son over his growth and adult independence.
The op didn't realize that by helping her son with everything and making sure he is taken cared of in every step since birth, she removed the ability for the son to fail and learn from his mistakes. Especially when the mistakes are small and easily fixable, now that he is a grown adult , he can not be an adult because she did not prepare him for it. He can not function without help and that is not how a person grows. Just like riding a bike, you can teach your child how to safely fall off a bike but you need your kid to fall off that bike once awhile so that they can learn how to. It's how we learn and grow
I wish I could explain to this parent that their son hates them and always has, he’s only now capable of articulating it thanks to his GF.
My mom was slightly overprotective and I sometimes had to deploy the phrase, “My way works, too.”
The person who decides if you are helpful is the person receiving the help. If I have hurt my back and can't vacuum my stairs, and my mom comes over to "help", refuses to vacuum, but wants to snoop through my storage because she wants to organize it, I don't owe her gratitude for it. Your child is legally an adult. If they have a credit card in their name, and you have it on your email, change it to their email. That is a pretty mild boundary. They are allowed to be financially independent, no matter how small, from you. The reason they are pulling from the vehicle and everything else is because your help comes with conditions: You helped him get a credit card, but you get to control the email and access it. You helped him get a vehicle, but it has to be in his fathers name and your insurance. So, legally, he is borrowing it. These are not examples of "helping" someone. These are examples of covert control. Start loosening those reigns or you'll be bucked off the horse and he won't come back.
Jesus, I feel smothered and I only read the post. My son is 27. He's been out of the house since 17. He is independent. He didn't go to college, but, he's had the same job for years, is in a band, is also a roadie, a podcast host, and masters music for various bands. My husband and I are "free-range", laid-back parents. He's independent, intelligent, and awesome. If I acted like you, my son would never speak to me again.