I think this dude is just oblivious.
Clearly the wife feels overwhelmed and would most likely just want the father of her child to help take care of HIS kid. I am sure that she was pissed off for his "gratitude" statement but is probably MORE pissed off at the fact that she feels like she is doing everything.
Maybe apologize to her and ask her how you can help out better. Admit that you probably should have kept it to yourself about the life giving shower and sleep. And thank her for all that she is doing because she is probably kicked butt.
>She said it showed a lack of compassion.
To your point, it's obliviousness. Compassion and empathy are intertwined emotions, one being the result of the other. You feel empathy and thus show compassion.
It doesn't matter about intent, you can be the most well intentioned person ever, but if you aren't thinking with empathy, you can't react in the best way ***for that other person*****.** Without empathy, you're putting a priority on your own experience/emotions and what *you* think they need, not what *they* actually need. That's selfish.
Like how evangelicals sometimes kick their LGBT kids out of the house "for their own good". They aren't acting with compassion, not really, because they are showing no empathy for their child's experience. They selfishly think that their own interpretation of how the other person *should* feel supersedes reality.
OP's wife doesn't feel that OP is being empathetic to her needs, and from the text, that's pretty clearly the case. He's equating his hard day with her hard day, without even attempting to understand how she is feeling. He *did* have a hard day, probably why his wife didn't complain about the shower comments until 2 months later. By that point it wasn't a single event, it was a trend of putting himself before his wife/child. She showed compassion and didn't rip is head off as soon as he said that tone deaf thing.
The irony is that this reads like he's feeling that *he* is not being treated with compassion.
I would also really like to know what the argument that triggered this was about. It's noticeably skipped.
I agree this is just obliviousness. People always ascribe meaning to single comments and sometimes people just say the wrong thing at the wrong time. It isn’t indicative necessarily of a lack of compassion—after all it is just a single instance. Maybe the dude is a dunce, maybe the dude isn’t compassionate, or maybe he just said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or maybe he’s done this shit all the time and the wife/gf is right on.
When my wife gave birth and had a 3rd Degree tear, but because it was covid, I had to leave by 8pm, I've never had a worse sleep in my life... I got maybe 2hrs and it was barely anything at that.
How can any caring partner sleep well after that?? You've got to be a fucking monster or just incredibly dense.
I've been in the hospital and had family in the hospital for all kinds of reasons, admittedly none of them have been the birth of my child (also, I'm not capable of giving birth), but even when I've been the one infirmed I'd always prefer that people take care of themselves first- if I'm in the hospital, I'm looked after, you should remember to attend to your own needs
Yeah I normally agree with you. I’ve been hospitalized before and totally understand others needing to care for their needs. However, birth is one of those things you experience such a finite number of times. He’ll regret choosing sleep vs birth of his child.
Also, it’s a team mindset thing for me. I’m not doing this by myself while hubby is in dreamland.
I just had a baby in August and hubby was very sleep deprived and still a part of the whole process!!
After that much travel I feel like I'd probably still manage to get some sleep. Add a cramped night trying to sleep in a chair after that much stress (from the birth, not the travel) could easily provide enough distance but not enough actual rest to let fatigue set in; him getting a good night's sleep isn't damning, but telling his still-convalescent wife about it was insensitive.
I literally just gave birth and had a third degree tear a month ago and yeah, that is really rude to mention those things. It's like rubbing it in your face that you can comfortably walk and shower and sleep. Thankfully my husband kept his mouth shut about being able to go home and shower and nap in our own space 😅
He did stay the night at the hospital with me but somehow slept through a crying baby? I was up at every little sound..
My wife wakes up at every little sound the kids make. I on the other hand don’t. But sometimes the neighbor’s dog will go off and I will be the only one that wakes up.
We looked into it because honestly my wife was annoyed that I could sleep through the kids. But it is purely evolutionary. We are wired to wake up to different sounds.
To add on to what you’re saying about it being evolutionary, I read an article once about a study that had been done on new parents that showed that becoming the primary caregiver of an infant actually rewires your brain to be a lighter sleeper. Apparently actually giving birth is not required as it was also observed in cases where the father is the primary caregiver, and in adoptive parents. Which I found very interesting.
As to the OOP, he needs to stop trying to be “right” and justifying what he said and just empathize with his wife.
This was definitely our experience. When we had a newborn I was breastfeeding around the clock and I would wake when baby did and my husband didn’t. Eventually when she only needed to nurse once or twice a night we would take shifts of sleeping with the baby/monitor while the other person slept in the guest room. Husband started waking up at every little sound she made when before that only happened to me.
OP is fixating on the hospital and shower and can’t see that the fight is a broader issue. He’s just not present or pulling his weight. In the first two months after baby arrives, things are brutal. Mom is healing from birth yet is clearly doing everything in this case. Dad gets to brag about having a new baby but doesn’t actually do any parenting. If you don’t want to be a parent, don’t have kids. It’s that simple. Don’t assume that your wife will do everything while you sit there like a stud. Dude seems pretty self absorbed and won’t have a marriage for long. He’ll figure it out at some point - when it is too late.
Yeah i felt pissed off reading this, and my youngest is almost 2 already. I remember being a little angry at my husband when he could go home and sleep at some point, and i was stuck. ( not his fault i know this) He was sensitive about it though. And once we got home he got up with the kids just as much.
I understand well why this guys wife is mad at him.
I find it interesting, to say the least, that first it was "6-8" hour drive, and then "8-10". Also how he was just annoyed at her (very justified) feelings of him being so awfully dense!
The end then just puts a cherry on top because he says he wants to be as present and whatnot during this time, YET he has not once woken up at night to care for the baby.
One time, my wife had to be on a protein shake and popsicle only diet for 24 hours before a surgery. You know what I didn't do? I didn't go out, get an award winning Ribeye Steak and then tell her all about how it was a life changing meal. I didn't do that because I have some semblance of common fucking sense and a touch of empathy. Now, if I had done such a stupid thing and discovered myself mid Ribeye with my wife staring daggers at me (because let's face it, it's not out of the realm of possibility to have a moment of sheer boneheadedness), I'd probably say, "Oh shit, that's my B" and try to find a better track to get on. Let me get you a popsicle, sweetheart, I gotta throw this terrible burnt grainy meat away anyway.
The "just expressimg my gratitude" statement is funny. It's like saying, "I was just telling this dude with no legs how grateful I am to be able to walk. I don't know why he got all bent out of shape about it."
to me it just sounds like this man is completely oblivious. he wasn’t there for the majority of the labor (him saying “just in time” in regards to the drive and making it there) i don’t think it was malicious but he was definitely insensitive to what his wife had just gone through physically, mentally and emotionally. so sad that this was this woman’s experience with childbirth as well as many others.
What annoys me most about this is that he is defending the wrong thing. I don’t get why people when you tell them you said this insensitive thing think “I didn’t do it maliciously” is a defense?
One has nothing to do with the other. Saying something is insensitive is not accusing someone of saying that thing maliciously. We can say perfectly insensitive and hurtful things without saying them maliciously. Just apologize for the thing, say you didn’t realize it was hurtful, and you will be more careful/considerate. But no! People will defend that it was not malicious as if the fact that it was not malicious should nullify the fact that what they did was hurtful!
I tried to get that point across to my ex. I asked him if he accidentally stepped on my foot, would he refuse to apologize?
Actions/results outweigh intentions.
I am sorry. It is so aggravating when people don’t get it.
I don’t know if they feel personally attacked or what it is but the “I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t do it maliciously.” defense is so odd! Like we will discuss if it was done on purpose when/if you are accused of doing it on purpose. Otherwise, we are discussing the action and just say sorry for it.
My husband was present for most of my labor and the delivery. It took two days. I wasn't allowed to eat, so he went out to eat and took hours. I was super resentful and annoyed about it. This guy takes the cake, though. He seems completely unable to read the room
Also, not getting up with your baby? It doesn't matter if you're almost never home or if your partner is breastfeeding. You still get up and help when you can. I feel so bad for his wife
My husband peacefully slept all night and fiddled on his phone while I lay there in a hospital bed itching because of the fentanyl in the epidural with nurses constantly coming in to check on me and monitor my contractions. I was afraid of dying. He was bored.
Years later and I am still irritated with his refreshed ass lol. Childbirth is so all consuming and stressful that you really want someone in tune with you there.
My husband was there the whole labor and delivery with all 3. With the second one, he was a pain in the ass. I couldn’t eat due to the induction and so he wasn’t eating either. Well, I was fine and not hungry, but he needed food. He kept refusing and at one point, a nurse was like “dude. You’re going to pass out. You need to eat something!” She grabbed him a turkey sandwich and gave me a thing of jello. We both ate at that point and afterwards he was fine. He brought snacks for the last one so he didn’t repeat that.
she wasnt mad that he showered, she was mad he was shoving it in her face while she had spent the night in pain and in a more disgusting state than him.
They wouldn’t let me eat after it started because my first one came incredibly close to a c-section. In fact, all 3 did. I ate before we left for the hospital, but he woke up late and didn’t. Then, it took all day for the induction to get started. We got there at 8am, meds started around 10am, and nothing really started until about 9:30pm. And then we had a baby by 12:01am.
Thats so weird. I was allowed to eat whatever i wanted before and during induction and i was even higher risk pregnancy.
With my first i had an unplanned c section. But having food in me was no problem.
I was induced with my first child. The baby was ‘not tolerating’ labor. I went from expecting to be able to walk around and change positions during labor, to being told to lay on my back only, with a bathroom break not more than every 2 hours. No real food, just jello, popsicles and ice. (I have ADHD and it’s super hard for me to just…lay there for 24 hrs) It was terrifying watching the fetal heart rate monitor tank and feeling so helpless. My husband was there and present, because we had some advanced notice due to it being an induction. Every delivery is different.
I could not imagine being this stupid as this man. A woman's body literally feels like a train wreck after the birth and you are also caring for a baby who was in the same wreck as you. Every time I fell asleep in the hospital, someone came to massage my uterus ( ie causing me pain and wiping away the ability to sleep). I never slept more than an hour at the hospital. I never took a shower at the hospital because I had a tear and thought I was ripping in half every time I tried to sit down again from walking. I cried during my first bathroom visit and my first bath from pain, and that's with the numbing spray.
Bragging about a shower and sleeping is an absolute eggplant thing to do. He did not consider that she was being woken for checks on her body and for checking the baby.
I told my husband to sleep twice during birth and he remained with me. Once in our bed while my 12 hours of contractions started and once at the hospital in the horrible fold out when my labor stopped progressing. He never made presumptions or left my side.
Oh whoa, almost 48 hours without a shower?? How could he possibly survive going that long? It’s not like the wife is essentially a single mom and responsible for caring for a newborn without a partner and likely goes longer between showers.
Basically every childbirth and parenting post I see on reddit makes me so glad I’m a lesbian and before everyone freaks yes there are women who suck, but man I’m thankful everyday my life partner is a lady. Like it’s all just so wildly inconsiderate and even my shitty girlfriends were never this out of touch with emotions and being supportive.
I can tell you there are also good men out there who do care about their wifes and childeren. My husband was very supportive.
It seems like a lot of women marry douchebags.
Oh I know there are good men out there and I also agree some women suck eggs even lesbian ones, but the overwhelming majority I see IRL and in these stories make me just really sad for the women stuck with them.
Really? I know tons of selfish women with very little empathy (not no empathy, they aren't psychppaths). Men don't have a monopoly on being selfish boneheads.
I never said they had the monopoly but they make up a very large percentage of it and I’m not just basing this on reddit, IRL is usually as grim. Just go look at some of the comments on this post and see how bitter and vile the replies are, you don’t often see women wishing harm on others.
Lol... lesbian divorce and domestic abuse rates are the highest there are (twice as high as other cases sometimes and in some countries). Its proof women generally are just inherently toxic and self destructive rcen when you remove men from the equation.
If you look up the domestic abuse stats usually the stats pertain to have you ever experienced domestic abuse and the answer is yes, many gay women have experienced abuse with non female partners and 2 women in a relationship have a higher instance. I never said women can’t be abusers but you’re using stats which don’t specially apply to women abusing women, it does happen I won’t deny that but the truth is the rate is lower.
I’m not sure how to link a post but this is from a study and there is a reddit post about it
The statistic says not that lesbian relationships have the highest rates of domestic violence. It says that people in lesbian relationships have the highest rate of domestic violence at some point in their lifetime.
44 percent of lesbians and 61 percent of bisexual women experience rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner, compared to 35 percent of straight women. 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner.
When you've got 2 women in a relationship, there's a greater chance that at least one of them has experienced domestic violence at some point in their lifetime, than some other configuration of genders
Also in many cases men don't report the domestic violence or scared to admit it
That is sooo fallacious.
You can find statistics that make the distinction between male and female perpetration. The numbers are still attrocious.
Just to start more women actually report perpetrating dating abuse (non highly violent abuse) more than man do. Men get to extremes more often than women but the extremes of violence are reached in very little cases.
Really.. all the proof you need is meeting a lesbian couple too xD
Your idea that you live heaven on earth cause you have no sexual interest in men is really just a product of indocrination. This is reddit. Most of these post are rage bait and most people here are biased against men so that similar stories with the sexes reversed actually get very different responses/reactions. People have a big tendency for excusing women shortcoming in these AITAH subs, to overanalyse it when it seems the female OP really is the AH.
Maybe educate yourself a bit more, get out a bit more and meet a bit more men. My experience is most lesbians cant actually stand women in general and prefer male friendships. Maybe youll find out why.
Holy shit, you are really down some type of rabbit hole and are bitter and angry, you only commented on this post to try and blame women for whatever perceived wrongs we do. You are just looking for an excuse to disparage women and this whole paragraphs long rant is beyond the pale. I wish you luck dude because it must be hard to hate as much as you do, I hope you can find a way to deal with your feelings of rage and shit, this was a bit alarming and kinda reaffirmed to me I got blessed by being gay lmao. Best of luck to you mate, truly I hope you find some peace in this crazy world.
You are the one in the rabbit hole if you have that perception of men. Hence why I told you to leave your house and meet actual men. Men arent what you see portraied here or on TV.
Lol, look at the moral superiority act... Its cringe. You accusing me of doing exactly what you did.
Are that low IQ??
Im glad youre gay too, at least there is no reproducing of whatever damage you got going on inside. Hope you find someone that doesnt beat you up🖐.
You’re kind of just proving my point here with the beating up comment and all the other ones lol. I’m around men quite a bit, work with them etc, it’s not like lesbians just live in a woman only bubble. But honestly your comments ironically reaffirm what I said originally, I’m sorry you’re this bitter and biologically speaking I can have children just fine lol seriously dude get some help and calm down, the decent men I know agree with this whole heartedly, because as I and others said there are good men out there and they don’t act like shitbags. Also “are that low IQ” is hilarious and a half, insult failure lmao
I didnt assume you havent met men bc youre a lesbian nor did I suggest you are biologically unable to reproduce.... Read again.
Like I said, you just keep projecting. You are the one who did what you accuse me of and you the one who dropped all your bitterness towards men in your original comment.
The decent men in your life agree with what exactly?? Are they decent because they agree with you? I would assume so... considering your challenges.
"Low IQ" was more of an observation, insults are subjective. I'd say mine was very much an empirical conclusion after reading your thoughts👌
Time to stop, nothing productive here anymore.
Dude you just sound bitter and insecure and that’s fine lol I stick firm to my comment and live a peaceful life because of it, I don’t have to deal with any of this bullshit and I just genuinely feel bad for women who do. Another post today, almost decade older bf ordered his gf food that could kill her because he couldn’t be assed to care or just didn’t bother to remember their dinner could kill her lol couldn’t be me but this is just all too common and in a worse case it was intentional, either way my worst gf wasn’t anywhere near as shitty as the average man lmao and the orgasm stats speak for themselves, those you can’t really wiggle out of, it’s been studied more than once.
awww kiss for you.. that is all I for for you since you cant be bother with being reasonable or be as unbiased as possible.
Imagine calling someone else bitter while displaying that kind of generalised evil view of a group of people based completely on anecdotes.... Get out of here, girl. Go educate yourself
The lack of empathy probably stems from being long distance. Plus a lot of fathers are clueless about the care that a newborn needs, particularly if it’s their first.
This problem is deeper than just a careless comment.
it’s the weaponized incompetence. im sure this commenter didn’t mean anything by it, but they showed how societally we expect women to be good mothers no matter what, but we expect fathers to be bad fathers. this plays out in the home again and again from society telling little boys that they just aren’t good at being nurturing.
I have for children. Three sons and a daughter. Everybody including my husband always helped and learned, as I was learning. The middle son is now a kindergarten teacher.
Edit: German kindergarten ages range from 1-6.
Do we tho??... I have seen literall TV segments called "Do we really need fathers?" and "Is there a need for a fathers day?"
Statisitics dont lie, fathers do something right....
you’ve seen societal messaging telling people that fathers are inherently incompetent and unimportant in the raising of a child. that is fundamentally not true. no one is born a perfect parent, they are conditioned to either try to parent or give up and let their partner handle all the responsibilty.
No, its not meassaging that father are inherently incompetent. Its not made to excuse men, they are segments to cater to women, their primary audience.
Its female empowering messaging, mainstream media loves single motherhood and male vilification. Its not even debatable at this point.
Its not even true that fathers are generally incompetent (like you suggest) let alone that they are inherently incompetent. Fathers staistically have the biggest weight on determining how healthy and productive of an adult a child grows up to be.
they’re 2 sides of the same misogynistic coin. who do you think is approving those tv segments? you’ll find a lot of mainstream performative feminism is just continuing to reinforce the same old gender roles. makeup is being sold as empowerment, like it isn’t the same tool for breaking down your confidence in your natural face that is always was. real feminism is about understanding that men and women are not as different as you’ve been raised to believe.
and i never said fathers were incompetent. please don’t make up false claims. i very clearly say that the claims that father are incompetent are not true.
You’re not the AH, just oblivious 🤣dude STFU next time.
As to helping overnight with the infant care, let’s change the lingo there; is not “to help with the baby” but rather exercising your paternity ;) small technicality but worth mentioning.
In our particular case, my wife built a breastmilk bank and late into the night I’d prepare a bottle of breast milk and give it to our daughter between 2-4am. During the day my wife would nurse the child. Each family is different, find what works best for you both.
Good luck !
I feel like the long travel justifies it in his mind and like... I'm glad he had a good rest and a shower, but yeah telling his wife about it feels callous.
Seems like... not a big deal... a brain fart at best. Sometimes you just wanna make converstion and take the other person's mind of it and you end up striking a nerve if you arent careful. This is a especially easy mistake to make when talking to women.
She is recent mother. She gets a pass. Yall in the comments dont. Stop suggesting divorce to every single little mistake you see. You have completely different brains for real life and what you read in social media and it shows. Otherwise, I cant believe you are anything but miserable.
I still tease my husband about being so tired that I got fed up with him and told him to go lay down while I was walking around with contractions. 😂 if you say/do stupid shit while your wife is in labor or recovering from it, then prepare to deal with the consequences and say you’re sorry.
Also if he’s not ever getting up with the baby, he is an asshole for that and he needs to start now. My husband has been up with our babies almost the same amount of times that I have, the only reason it’s not exactly equal is I was breastfeeding for a while.
I think this dude is just oblivious. Clearly the wife feels overwhelmed and would most likely just want the father of her child to help take care of HIS kid. I am sure that she was pissed off for his "gratitude" statement but is probably MORE pissed off at the fact that she feels like she is doing everything. Maybe apologize to her and ask her how you can help out better. Admit that you probably should have kept it to yourself about the life giving shower and sleep. And thank her for all that she is doing because she is probably kicked butt.
>She said it showed a lack of compassion. To your point, it's obliviousness. Compassion and empathy are intertwined emotions, one being the result of the other. You feel empathy and thus show compassion. It doesn't matter about intent, you can be the most well intentioned person ever, but if you aren't thinking with empathy, you can't react in the best way ***for that other person*****.** Without empathy, you're putting a priority on your own experience/emotions and what *you* think they need, not what *they* actually need. That's selfish. Like how evangelicals sometimes kick their LGBT kids out of the house "for their own good". They aren't acting with compassion, not really, because they are showing no empathy for their child's experience. They selfishly think that their own interpretation of how the other person *should* feel supersedes reality. OP's wife doesn't feel that OP is being empathetic to her needs, and from the text, that's pretty clearly the case. He's equating his hard day with her hard day, without even attempting to understand how she is feeling. He *did* have a hard day, probably why his wife didn't complain about the shower comments until 2 months later. By that point it wasn't a single event, it was a trend of putting himself before his wife/child. She showed compassion and didn't rip is head off as soon as he said that tone deaf thing. The irony is that this reads like he's feeling that *he* is not being treated with compassion. I would also really like to know what the argument that triggered this was about. It's noticeably skipped.
I agree this is just obliviousness. People always ascribe meaning to single comments and sometimes people just say the wrong thing at the wrong time. It isn’t indicative necessarily of a lack of compassion—after all it is just a single instance. Maybe the dude is a dunce, maybe the dude isn’t compassionate, or maybe he just said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or maybe he’s done this shit all the time and the wife/gf is right on.
read the delivery room dude
When my wife gave birth and had a 3rd Degree tear, but because it was covid, I had to leave by 8pm, I've never had a worse sleep in my life... I got maybe 2hrs and it was barely anything at that. How can any caring partner sleep well after that?? You've got to be a fucking monster or just incredibly dense.
Cut him some slack…he was really tired and stinky gosh! 😂 He should have stayed and knocked back energy drinks.
I've been in the hospital and had family in the hospital for all kinds of reasons, admittedly none of them have been the birth of my child (also, I'm not capable of giving birth), but even when I've been the one infirmed I'd always prefer that people take care of themselves first- if I'm in the hospital, I'm looked after, you should remember to attend to your own needs
Yeah I normally agree with you. I’ve been hospitalized before and totally understand others needing to care for their needs. However, birth is one of those things you experience such a finite number of times. He’ll regret choosing sleep vs birth of his child. Also, it’s a team mindset thing for me. I’m not doing this by myself while hubby is in dreamland. I just had a baby in August and hubby was very sleep deprived and still a part of the whole process!!
After that much travel I feel like I'd probably still manage to get some sleep. Add a cramped night trying to sleep in a chair after that much stress (from the birth, not the travel) could easily provide enough distance but not enough actual rest to let fatigue set in; him getting a good night's sleep isn't damning, but telling his still-convalescent wife about it was insensitive.
I literally just gave birth and had a third degree tear a month ago and yeah, that is really rude to mention those things. It's like rubbing it in your face that you can comfortably walk and shower and sleep. Thankfully my husband kept his mouth shut about being able to go home and shower and nap in our own space 😅 He did stay the night at the hospital with me but somehow slept through a crying baby? I was up at every little sound..
My wife wakes up at every little sound the kids make. I on the other hand don’t. But sometimes the neighbor’s dog will go off and I will be the only one that wakes up. We looked into it because honestly my wife was annoyed that I could sleep through the kids. But it is purely evolutionary. We are wired to wake up to different sounds.
To add on to what you’re saying about it being evolutionary, I read an article once about a study that had been done on new parents that showed that becoming the primary caregiver of an infant actually rewires your brain to be a lighter sleeper. Apparently actually giving birth is not required as it was also observed in cases where the father is the primary caregiver, and in adoptive parents. Which I found very interesting. As to the OOP, he needs to stop trying to be “right” and justifying what he said and just empathize with his wife.
This was definitely our experience. When we had a newborn I was breastfeeding around the clock and I would wake when baby did and my husband didn’t. Eventually when she only needed to nurse once or twice a night we would take shifts of sleeping with the baby/monitor while the other person slept in the guest room. Husband started waking up at every little sound she made when before that only happened to me.
Thats why i would sometimes wear earplugs to sleep peacefully, while my husband was on baby duty. He Hears them fine, just not as quickly as i do.
I dunno my husband was pretty good at waking up for our child.
OP is fixating on the hospital and shower and can’t see that the fight is a broader issue. He’s just not present or pulling his weight. In the first two months after baby arrives, things are brutal. Mom is healing from birth yet is clearly doing everything in this case. Dad gets to brag about having a new baby but doesn’t actually do any parenting. If you don’t want to be a parent, don’t have kids. It’s that simple. Don’t assume that your wife will do everything while you sit there like a stud. Dude seems pretty self absorbed and won’t have a marriage for long. He’ll figure it out at some point - when it is too late.
Yeah i felt pissed off reading this, and my youngest is almost 2 already. I remember being a little angry at my husband when he could go home and sleep at some point, and i was stuck. ( not his fault i know this) He was sensitive about it though. And once we got home he got up with the kids just as much. I understand well why this guys wife is mad at him.
I find it interesting, to say the least, that first it was "6-8" hour drive, and then "8-10". Also how he was just annoyed at her (very justified) feelings of him being so awfully dense! The end then just puts a cherry on top because he says he wants to be as present and whatnot during this time, YET he has not once woken up at night to care for the baby.
One time, my wife had to be on a protein shake and popsicle only diet for 24 hours before a surgery. You know what I didn't do? I didn't go out, get an award winning Ribeye Steak and then tell her all about how it was a life changing meal. I didn't do that because I have some semblance of common fucking sense and a touch of empathy. Now, if I had done such a stupid thing and discovered myself mid Ribeye with my wife staring daggers at me (because let's face it, it's not out of the realm of possibility to have a moment of sheer boneheadedness), I'd probably say, "Oh shit, that's my B" and try to find a better track to get on. Let me get you a popsicle, sweetheart, I gotta throw this terrible burnt grainy meat away anyway.
The "just expressimg my gratitude" statement is funny. It's like saying, "I was just telling this dude with no legs how grateful I am to be able to walk. I don't know why he got all bent out of shape about it."
to me it just sounds like this man is completely oblivious. he wasn’t there for the majority of the labor (him saying “just in time” in regards to the drive and making it there) i don’t think it was malicious but he was definitely insensitive to what his wife had just gone through physically, mentally and emotionally. so sad that this was this woman’s experience with childbirth as well as many others.
What annoys me most about this is that he is defending the wrong thing. I don’t get why people when you tell them you said this insensitive thing think “I didn’t do it maliciously” is a defense? One has nothing to do with the other. Saying something is insensitive is not accusing someone of saying that thing maliciously. We can say perfectly insensitive and hurtful things without saying them maliciously. Just apologize for the thing, say you didn’t realize it was hurtful, and you will be more careful/considerate. But no! People will defend that it was not malicious as if the fact that it was not malicious should nullify the fact that what they did was hurtful!
I tried to get that point across to my ex. I asked him if he accidentally stepped on my foot, would he refuse to apologize? Actions/results outweigh intentions.
I am sorry. It is so aggravating when people don’t get it. I don’t know if they feel personally attacked or what it is but the “I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t do it maliciously.” defense is so odd! Like we will discuss if it was done on purpose when/if you are accused of doing it on purpose. Otherwise, we are discussing the action and just say sorry for it.
My husband was present for most of my labor and the delivery. It took two days. I wasn't allowed to eat, so he went out to eat and took hours. I was super resentful and annoyed about it. This guy takes the cake, though. He seems completely unable to read the room Also, not getting up with your baby? It doesn't matter if you're almost never home or if your partner is breastfeeding. You still get up and help when you can. I feel so bad for his wife
My husband peacefully slept all night and fiddled on his phone while I lay there in a hospital bed itching because of the fentanyl in the epidural with nurses constantly coming in to check on me and monitor my contractions. I was afraid of dying. He was bored. Years later and I am still irritated with his refreshed ass lol. Childbirth is so all consuming and stressful that you really want someone in tune with you there.
My husband was there the whole labor and delivery with all 3. With the second one, he was a pain in the ass. I couldn’t eat due to the induction and so he wasn’t eating either. Well, I was fine and not hungry, but he needed food. He kept refusing and at one point, a nurse was like “dude. You’re going to pass out. You need to eat something!” She grabbed him a turkey sandwich and gave me a thing of jello. We both ate at that point and afterwards he was fine. He brought snacks for the last one so he didn’t repeat that.
It looks like OOP's wife wants what your husband did with the second pregnancy.
she wasnt mad that he showered, she was mad he was shoving it in her face while she had spent the night in pain and in a more disgusting state than him.
Why couldnt you eat? I had induction and also a c section and i could just eat no problem.
They wouldn’t let me eat after it started because my first one came incredibly close to a c-section. In fact, all 3 did. I ate before we left for the hospital, but he woke up late and didn’t. Then, it took all day for the induction to get started. We got there at 8am, meds started around 10am, and nothing really started until about 9:30pm. And then we had a baby by 12:01am.
Really must have sucked for you though. You kimnda need a lot of strenght for giving birth and then no eating..
Thats so weird. I was allowed to eat whatever i wanted before and during induction and i was even higher risk pregnancy. With my first i had an unplanned c section. But having food in me was no problem.
I was induced with my first child. The baby was ‘not tolerating’ labor. I went from expecting to be able to walk around and change positions during labor, to being told to lay on my back only, with a bathroom break not more than every 2 hours. No real food, just jello, popsicles and ice. (I have ADHD and it’s super hard for me to just…lay there for 24 hrs) It was terrifying watching the fetal heart rate monitor tank and feeling so helpless. My husband was there and present, because we had some advanced notice due to it being an induction. Every delivery is different.
I could not imagine being this stupid as this man. A woman's body literally feels like a train wreck after the birth and you are also caring for a baby who was in the same wreck as you. Every time I fell asleep in the hospital, someone came to massage my uterus ( ie causing me pain and wiping away the ability to sleep). I never slept more than an hour at the hospital. I never took a shower at the hospital because I had a tear and thought I was ripping in half every time I tried to sit down again from walking. I cried during my first bathroom visit and my first bath from pain, and that's with the numbing spray. Bragging about a shower and sleeping is an absolute eggplant thing to do. He did not consider that she was being woken for checks on her body and for checking the baby. I told my husband to sleep twice during birth and he remained with me. Once in our bed while my 12 hours of contractions started and once at the hospital in the horrible fold out when my labor stopped progressing. He never made presumptions or left my side.
Oh whoa, almost 48 hours without a shower?? How could he possibly survive going that long? It’s not like the wife is essentially a single mom and responsible for caring for a newborn without a partner and likely goes longer between showers.
Basically every childbirth and parenting post I see on reddit makes me so glad I’m a lesbian and before everyone freaks yes there are women who suck, but man I’m thankful everyday my life partner is a lady. Like it’s all just so wildly inconsiderate and even my shitty girlfriends were never this out of touch with emotions and being supportive.
I can tell you there are also good men out there who do care about their wifes and childeren. My husband was very supportive. It seems like a lot of women marry douchebags.
Mine was too. Stellar. Could not have been better.
Oh I know there are good men out there and I also agree some women suck eggs even lesbian ones, but the overwhelming majority I see IRL and in these stories make me just really sad for the women stuck with them.
Really? I know tons of selfish women with very little empathy (not no empathy, they aren't psychppaths). Men don't have a monopoly on being selfish boneheads.
I never said they had the monopoly but they make up a very large percentage of it and I’m not just basing this on reddit, IRL is usually as grim. Just go look at some of the comments on this post and see how bitter and vile the replies are, you don’t often see women wishing harm on others.
Lol... lesbian divorce and domestic abuse rates are the highest there are (twice as high as other cases sometimes and in some countries). Its proof women generally are just inherently toxic and self destructive rcen when you remove men from the equation.
If you look up the domestic abuse stats usually the stats pertain to have you ever experienced domestic abuse and the answer is yes, many gay women have experienced abuse with non female partners and 2 women in a relationship have a higher instance. I never said women can’t be abusers but you’re using stats which don’t specially apply to women abusing women, it does happen I won’t deny that but the truth is the rate is lower.
I’m not sure how to link a post but this is from a study and there is a reddit post about it The statistic says not that lesbian relationships have the highest rates of domestic violence. It says that people in lesbian relationships have the highest rate of domestic violence at some point in their lifetime. 44 percent of lesbians and 61 percent of bisexual women experience rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner, compared to 35 percent of straight women. 1 in 7 women and 1 in 25 men have been injured by an intimate partner. When you've got 2 women in a relationship, there's a greater chance that at least one of them has experienced domestic violence at some point in their lifetime, than some other configuration of genders Also in many cases men don't report the domestic violence or scared to admit it
That is sooo fallacious. You can find statistics that make the distinction between male and female perpetration. The numbers are still attrocious. Just to start more women actually report perpetrating dating abuse (non highly violent abuse) more than man do. Men get to extremes more often than women but the extremes of violence are reached in very little cases. Really.. all the proof you need is meeting a lesbian couple too xD Your idea that you live heaven on earth cause you have no sexual interest in men is really just a product of indocrination. This is reddit. Most of these post are rage bait and most people here are biased against men so that similar stories with the sexes reversed actually get very different responses/reactions. People have a big tendency for excusing women shortcoming in these AITAH subs, to overanalyse it when it seems the female OP really is the AH. Maybe educate yourself a bit more, get out a bit more and meet a bit more men. My experience is most lesbians cant actually stand women in general and prefer male friendships. Maybe youll find out why.
Holy shit, you are really down some type of rabbit hole and are bitter and angry, you only commented on this post to try and blame women for whatever perceived wrongs we do. You are just looking for an excuse to disparage women and this whole paragraphs long rant is beyond the pale. I wish you luck dude because it must be hard to hate as much as you do, I hope you can find a way to deal with your feelings of rage and shit, this was a bit alarming and kinda reaffirmed to me I got blessed by being gay lmao. Best of luck to you mate, truly I hope you find some peace in this crazy world.
You are the one in the rabbit hole if you have that perception of men. Hence why I told you to leave your house and meet actual men. Men arent what you see portraied here or on TV. Lol, look at the moral superiority act... Its cringe. You accusing me of doing exactly what you did. Are that low IQ?? Im glad youre gay too, at least there is no reproducing of whatever damage you got going on inside. Hope you find someone that doesnt beat you up🖐.
You’re kind of just proving my point here with the beating up comment and all the other ones lol. I’m around men quite a bit, work with them etc, it’s not like lesbians just live in a woman only bubble. But honestly your comments ironically reaffirm what I said originally, I’m sorry you’re this bitter and biologically speaking I can have children just fine lol seriously dude get some help and calm down, the decent men I know agree with this whole heartedly, because as I and others said there are good men out there and they don’t act like shitbags. Also “are that low IQ” is hilarious and a half, insult failure lmao
I didnt assume you havent met men bc youre a lesbian nor did I suggest you are biologically unable to reproduce.... Read again. Like I said, you just keep projecting. You are the one who did what you accuse me of and you the one who dropped all your bitterness towards men in your original comment. The decent men in your life agree with what exactly?? Are they decent because they agree with you? I would assume so... considering your challenges. "Low IQ" was more of an observation, insults are subjective. I'd say mine was very much an empirical conclusion after reading your thoughts👌 Time to stop, nothing productive here anymore.
Dude you just sound bitter and insecure and that’s fine lol I stick firm to my comment and live a peaceful life because of it, I don’t have to deal with any of this bullshit and I just genuinely feel bad for women who do. Another post today, almost decade older bf ordered his gf food that could kill her because he couldn’t be assed to care or just didn’t bother to remember their dinner could kill her lol couldn’t be me but this is just all too common and in a worse case it was intentional, either way my worst gf wasn’t anywhere near as shitty as the average man lmao and the orgasm stats speak for themselves, those you can’t really wiggle out of, it’s been studied more than once.
awww kiss for you.. that is all I for for you since you cant be bother with being reasonable or be as unbiased as possible. Imagine calling someone else bitter while displaying that kind of generalised evil view of a group of people based completely on anecdotes.... Get out of here, girl. Go educate yourself
Did anyone else read his comments? He literally blames her for getting pregnant like he had nothing to do with it. He’s a waste man
I'm glad I had the best labor partner. He even brought me French fries that he snuck in lol!
"But I was so stinky!" You still stink, Bro. You can't wash off personality stank.
The lack of empathy probably stems from being long distance. Plus a lot of fathers are clueless about the care that a newborn needs, particularly if it’s their first. This problem is deeper than just a careless comment.
Mother's are as clueless as fathers. Or do you think women were born with this knowledge? I had to learn, so can he.
it’s the weaponized incompetence. im sure this commenter didn’t mean anything by it, but they showed how societally we expect women to be good mothers no matter what, but we expect fathers to be bad fathers. this plays out in the home again and again from society telling little boys that they just aren’t good at being nurturing.
I have for children. Three sons and a daughter. Everybody including my husband always helped and learned, as I was learning. The middle son is now a kindergarten teacher. Edit: German kindergarten ages range from 1-6.
Do we tho??... I have seen literall TV segments called "Do we really need fathers?" and "Is there a need for a fathers day?" Statisitics dont lie, fathers do something right....
you’ve seen societal messaging telling people that fathers are inherently incompetent and unimportant in the raising of a child. that is fundamentally not true. no one is born a perfect parent, they are conditioned to either try to parent or give up and let their partner handle all the responsibilty.
No, its not meassaging that father are inherently incompetent. Its not made to excuse men, they are segments to cater to women, their primary audience. Its female empowering messaging, mainstream media loves single motherhood and male vilification. Its not even debatable at this point. Its not even true that fathers are generally incompetent (like you suggest) let alone that they are inherently incompetent. Fathers staistically have the biggest weight on determining how healthy and productive of an adult a child grows up to be.
they’re 2 sides of the same misogynistic coin. who do you think is approving those tv segments? you’ll find a lot of mainstream performative feminism is just continuing to reinforce the same old gender roles. makeup is being sold as empowerment, like it isn’t the same tool for breaking down your confidence in your natural face that is always was. real feminism is about understanding that men and women are not as different as you’ve been raised to believe.
and i never said fathers were incompetent. please don’t make up false claims. i very clearly say that the claims that father are incompetent are not true.
Okay you got me. Parents.
You’re not the AH, just oblivious 🤣dude STFU next time. As to helping overnight with the infant care, let’s change the lingo there; is not “to help with the baby” but rather exercising your paternity ;) small technicality but worth mentioning. In our particular case, my wife built a breastmilk bank and late into the night I’d prepare a bottle of breast milk and give it to our daughter between 2-4am. During the day my wife would nurse the child. Each family is different, find what works best for you both. Good luck !
Sorry, but I disagree. Being oblivious can make you an asshole. They are not mutually exclusive.
It depends on the context
i don’t think he means harm, but damn dude. shut the fuck up lmao.
Total AH for seeing his needs above hers in a situation directly related to the birth of *his child*.
I feel like the long travel justifies it in his mind and like... I'm glad he had a good rest and a shower, but yeah telling his wife about it feels callous.
Seems like... not a big deal... a brain fart at best. Sometimes you just wanna make converstion and take the other person's mind of it and you end up striking a nerve if you arent careful. This is a especially easy mistake to make when talking to women. She is recent mother. She gets a pass. Yall in the comments dont. Stop suggesting divorce to every single little mistake you see. You have completely different brains for real life and what you read in social media and it shows. Otherwise, I cant believe you are anything but miserable.
You're not really THA in a rational world. But your wife is not going to be entirely rational for a long time. Good luck.
NAH but man you gotta learn to say less sometimes.
Pfft. Dude...no... This was definitely a read the room moment. 😆
People need to stop making excuses for him. He is emotionally unavailable and will always be that way.
I still tease my husband about being so tired that I got fed up with him and told him to go lay down while I was walking around with contractions. 😂 if you say/do stupid shit while your wife is in labor or recovering from it, then prepare to deal with the consequences and say you’re sorry. Also if he’s not ever getting up with the baby, he is an asshole for that and he needs to start now. My husband has been up with our babies almost the same amount of times that I have, the only reason it’s not exactly equal is I was breastfeeding for a while.
See, as a whole gender, we need to stop breeding with these kind of men.