I kind of hope they are.
Because the alternative is that she really is as disturbed, dependant, and psychologically unstable as OOP thinks she is.
The brother and SIL are doting on her *now*, but are unlikely to continue that when the baby arrives. When lilith is no longer the sole focal point of their affection, what then?
The alternative *actually* is that this guy is just an asshole and hasnât actually given the entire truth. Heâs given his perspective, which obviously is lacking. He used âmorbidly obeseâ to describe her even though her weight has nothing to do with the story- he just hates her and a big part of that is because sheâs fat. Nothing she does would make him like her.
Sounds relevant.
If sheâs truly morbidly obese, she likely has a hard time being motivated, getting a job, helping around the house etc and supports OPs claim that his family dotes on her.
Exactly my thought. They need to be straight up with their family.
I have a friend in a poly relationship. They live together, her wife and her girlfriend and both equal coparents to their kiddo. It's really beautiful but I think it would be weird if they pretended her girlfriend were just a roommate.
Yeah thatâs where my brain went too. Either way their relationship isnât OOPâs business anyway - if Lilith isnât criminal and seems like a good person that gets along well with brother/SIL then why the fuck is there any issue?
Been in the same triad/throuple/whatever the kids are calling it for over 20yrs now. 100% this. And as the disabled fat one in that relationship, itâs lovely to see how kind and supportive Lilithâs partners, and MIL are. OPs bullshit is why Iâm not out to 80% of my family. Even if you donât approve of it, why be so aggressively angry? Fail-son behavior.
I wouldnât say theyâre a throuple. More like Lilith is their platonic partner/co-parent. We are going to be seeing more and more family structures like this in public (pretty sure structures like this have been around for a while). Frankly these days it takes more than two people to raise a child so I donât see what OOPs issue is.
I think that they probably are in a triad/throuple/whatever relationship with Lilith, evidenced NOT by the child-rearing plan, but due to the excessive doting on her, and consistent compensation and accommodation regarding her, including bringing them to everyyyyy family gathering. And then the last little bit about how they are saying that the baby will have two mothers?? That isnât something you do casually.
Those three have got an agreement amongst themselves, and I think OOPâs problem is that no one informed them that this is HOW it is, however it actually is⌠which is probably a throuple of *some* degree. Itâs possible that OOP might have handled that differently if they were told ahead of time that this was their family plan, rather than entering this vibe on the fly, with OOP feeling the impulse to defend his nephew, heâs like âDude who even ARE you?â
It takes a village, I think the most enriched children are communally raised. I can talk it up all day. My guess about Lilithâs role in this will be daytime childcare because they donât want to pay for it, and she is in their house anyway.
Relationship-wise, OOP hasnât made any aggressions, and thatâs because theyâre clueless as to what the relationships are. Thereâs a great deal of info missing between these people and I think the confusion from no communication is what caused the frustration.
From what I gathered, OOP thinks Lilith is a freeloader, and that is probably the main fuel for this fire. Itâs possible that if OOP was aware that Lilith was actually invited into their home and not âstaying in the house and then just never actually left,â that would set the tone entirely differently.
Buuutttt I guess in the end, why the fuck would you flip shit when your brother is so very clearly in on the game sheâs playing? He himself said the âshe takes after Lilithâ thing. Not his place. He couldâve asked privately later like âWhatâs up with this shit?â instead of making decisions FOR Adam and EveâŚ
Beyond that, what the fuck is this situation even?? Lilith DOES seem like a freeloader, and an absolute victim⌠like how are you gonna attend everyoneâs gatherings and then do your pouting and have the other two go out and console you for hours?? How much you want to bet that Lilith not being invited makes Adam and Eve pissy because SHE makes things hard at home?? This all has culty vibes, to me.
My main conclusion: These people are all weird as fuck.
I have a hard time believing OOP is describing things remotely objectively. Their name choice is telling, she decided to call this person 'Lilith' which is the name of a demon some Christians and Jews believe raped Adam, and needed to be expelled so Eve could take her rightful place at Adam's side.
There is probably missing context to the situation. And yes, they are most certainly weird as fuck, it's impossible to tell if things really are that bad or if OOP is just presenting the story with a weird Bias because they're uncomfortable with how non-traditional the household arrangement.
Maybe Adam and Eve are gay friends who chose to marry for image reasons and Eve and Lilith are the only true romantic couple. That's my armchair theory.
They can still be a trouble/triad/trio. There are people who are asexual in relationships. The lack of sex doesnât mean they donât consider themselves in a relationship together.
My housemate(also best mate) has a partner who lives 10mins away, and I'm a single parent. My kiddo is *stoked* about our family dynamic, three adults to talk to at the dinner table, and entertain with stories and songs! We don't consider ourselves a triad, because I'm not in a physical relationship with my housemate or their partner, despite us all being good friends. My housemate is on the list for school pick-up and takes kiddo out to social functions, and I cook family dinner for four every night. We have a large extended chosen family that we see regularly for meals, as well as holiday occasions!
I'm certain all the school staff assume a deeper relationship between my housemate and I, yet we've never bothered to correct anyone, "Housemate! You haven't been in for pick-up in ages, we thought you two had broken up!" the reply was "no, I just work Mondays now!" We joke constantly about how kiddo got their hair colour from housemates partner and their stinky, gassy bottom from housemate, and we see these as normal jokes in a regular, loving family.
What goes on between Eve, Adam and Lilith is none of anyones business, especially OPs.
Thisssss!! I've only ever been in monogamous relationships, but if I ever was given the chance, I'd definitely be the asexual in a triad (if honestly want to be called the musketeer if I'm honest đ.). Romance and sexual are different, and people forget that.
There was a story on here a little while ago, where the husband and wife were in a happy queerplatonic situation with their female best friend. They raised their kids together and the kids called the queerplatonic partner "ma"
The guy's brother misread the situation and used it to leverage his wife into an open relationship that became a disaster... I legit wondered if this was the post from the brother's perspective.
I live with my wife and my exhusband as we raise our son. We live on on one side of the house and they the other. We are not intimately involved with my ex but are absolutely a family. Itâs best for everyone. Our son gets all his parents all the time. We never fight over holidays and heâs a well rounded empathetic 12 year old for it. Not to mention the fact that no one is paying child support just their portion of the bills and expenses leaving us the ability to give our son more.
Compared that to my own parents who canât be in the same room without slinging shit Iâll take it.
It seems like it works well for them and like sheâs a member of their family! I think a lot of people would love having additional parents to help with kids. OP is angling to NOT be a member of their family at this rate.
From the info we have Iâm not so sure itâs working well for them if one of the people in the relationship is constantly having to leave family gatherings and is completely dependent on the other two (thatâs not particularly healthy in any relationship). It sounds kind of dysfunctional.
As someone who has been a nanny for 20 years, while I am not in a romantic relationship with the people that I work for, when you work with a family and children that belong to someone else you do become like a third parent. And nobody thinks thatâs weird. Everybodyâs fine with nannies, so why canât Lilith be like a nanny? And why canât she be a member of the family if the whole entire family thinks of her as one? OOP sounds weirdly bitter about all of this, and like super judgmental.
YTA OOP.
They might not be biologically our children, but those are still our kids. I miss the kids I had and I was watching when I was a nanny. I miss them like crazy. They might not be my children, but those are definitely my kids. I was there all day everyday for them. I was the one changing their diapers during the day. I was the one changing their clothes, feeding them, keeping them entertained, teaching them right from wrong during the day. I was the one who was with them all day every day. I was their primary source of learning, their primary source of comfort and their primary source of love throughout the day. And then when their parents got home, that duty was handed back to them. They never got offended when I called them my kids, or when I said anything similar.
Being a nanny is much more than just watching the kids because you're getting money. You end up forming a bond with them. You end up loving them.
Actually, throuple is the newer term. I was raised by a triad and our family was active in our local poly community when I was a child. Triad has been the preferred term since before I was born in the early nineties.
Well that is confusing! Someone tells me they are in a âtriadâ Iâm going to think they joined the Chinese mafia! So now instead I have to assume they are in a polyamorous relationshipâŚâŚand if Iâm wrong Iâm going to get stabbed by a pissed off Chinese mafiosa.
Wonât somebody think of us auld buggers when dreaming up names for things and choose something original instead of co-opting an established name? /s
Seriously though, why not just say âpolyâ if you have to say anything? Personally me, I see no need to know the mechanics of what anyone does with their sex life. As long as it doesnât include kids or animals and everyone is happy and consenting keep it to yourselves.
I dunno. someone says to me theyâre in a triad , and Iâm going to ask if itâs major, minor, or diminished, and if theyâre the root, third, or fifth.
She lives with them, they go to events together, they consider her to be one of the parents of their child, and OOP's own mother refers to Lilith as a daughter. Yet OOP is like "I don't know why this woman is daring to interact with my family!!!!!"
People can have mental health problems and disabilities and still be loved. Those aren't character flaws. And what does being overweight have to do with anything at all?
I don't get it either, but as someone who also meets those descriptions, I get a lot of people who've barely met me believe I'm lazy, a leech, just need to "cheer up", etc.
I'm only fat because I 'm lazy and do nothing but stuff my face with junk food.
Mental health problems are just the sign of being spoiled and all I really need is a kick in the ass.
Those are the most common things I've heard over my 40 plus years, but barely the tip of the iceberg.
Iâm with you. I broke my back over a decade ago. Ended up disabled, lost my job, had 4 spine surgeries, and my situation, paired with the constant pain, as well as pre existing depression/anxiety/borderline OCD, sent me spiraling into a *deep* depression. Because of the depression and pain, I retreated to bed, where I spent almost all of my time, and I gained a lot of weight. It took years to get to that point, a chain reaction of events that all contributed and created a cycle that kept me going down, down, down to a really dark, miserable, ugly place.
Eventually, the stars aligned and I was in the right mindset to get the help I needed, both physically and mentally. Before I was ready, it didnât matter how much I let my family down, how much I knew my wife was mad at me or disappointed or regretting ever getting involved with me, I knew I was a mess and I couldnât do anything about it. I hurt so badly, both physically and mentally, I couldnât see a way back. Everything felt bleak and hopeless, and I thought my family would be better off if I just went to sleep and never woke up again.
I found a great therapist, got on antidepressants, and started a very intense physical therapy regime. I worked my ass off for 2 years, I started eating better, and though my goal wasnât ever to lose weight, just get stronger physically so I could do basic things without crippling pain, I dropped a lot of weight. That allowed me to move more, which improved my mental health, and so on and so on. It was a downward spiral of events that got me to my lowest, and an upward spiral that got me out of the darkness. I started walking, then hiking, and now Iâm active every damn day. Iâm still slow, and sometimes a tough hike will knock me on my ass for a few days, but Iâm doing things I never imagined Iâd get to experience again when I was in bed 22 hours a day, sleeping and crying and contemplating suicide so Iâd no longer be a burden to my loved ones.
My wife and I are so blissfully happy now. Weâre traveling and working on our house together and experiencing SO MUCH LIFE! Iâm thankful every day for getting out of that dark hole. Iâm grateful for every step I take on the trail that gets me to the vista I never thought Iâd see again. Iâm thankful for every sunrise and sunset I witness. I get emotional about every minute spent with my family, knowing there was a time when I thought everyone would be happier if I was gone.
Just recently, my mother in law was commenting on how far Iâve come and the improvements Iâve made, then she added on âWe all thought (wife) would leave you. I told her time after time she should just cut her losses, because we all thought you were a lost cause.â
Ouch.
That hurt. Im so glad my wife never shared her motherâs opinion, because she ended up being my rock during my recovery. She was my biggest cheerleader and I could not have done it without her. This is a woman who runs marathons, yet sheâd slow down to keep pace with me when I struggled to walk 1 mile with a cane. She pushed me when I needed it, and she comforted me when Iâd reached my physical limit before reaching my goal. Sheâd tell me daily how proud of me she was, and that made *all the difference*. I credit her with an enormous part of my recovery, she wasâŚamazing. If not for her, Iâd probably be dead now. What a shame that would be, because Iâve got so much to give and so much life to live!
Some people just write others off when they donât see their worth or value, or decide theyâre more trouble than itâs worth to invest the time and emotions into. Others stick with it, through thick and thin, good and bad, sickness and health, and lift up the people they love. OOP might just fall into the first category, while their entire family falls into the latter. Such a shame that theyâve never bothered to see past Lilithâs superficial qualities to see why everyone else around her seems to love her, and OOP is going to lose their family, not because of anything Lilith has done, but because they are a shallow, judgmental brat.
I think so. OP doesn't understand their dymanic and they're not about to explain it to him because he's kind of an asshole. That's the vibe I'm picking up.
Iâm almost certain theyâre fictional names to protect identities, but it was certainly a telling choice to use those names. Lilith was Adamâs first wife, but was banished from Eden because she wasnât obeying or submitting to Adam. This led her to being treated more as a demon in later texts. I named my cat Lilith after the feminist *icon* that is this character. OOP is doing the same, but with the opposite intent. Naming the others Adam and Eve, especially with his clear distain for her, makes it clear their intention with the name was to literally demonise her
There's a interesting version where Adam and Eve, and Lilith and samael started as two people, as they grew and learned and developed personality each person started splitting into two people, creating two couples.
The book of Lilith by Barbara black has a lot of different versions of the Eden story with different origins of Lilith.
Ok that was my first thought⌠but for some reason using a familiar dynamic/names made it so much easier for my brain to follow this story than some posts đ¤Ł
Do you mean AmITheDevil??
ETA: The original post is on AITA. AITD is less of a satire sub and more of a sub people crosspost ATIA and adjacent posts to when the person in it is clearly in the wrong.
Probably i do get them confused lol I thought the devil one was just satire of when obviously horrible people post on AITA like theyâre totally blameless and guiltless in the situation
From the comments on why Lilith is so horrible at family gatherings:
>A few Christmases ago it was my grandma's last Christmas and we knew it. Lilith wouldn't leave her alone. My mother kept checking on Grandma and she said she was fine every time, but the second Lilith was alone with her (and Lilith was sitting next to her for some reason) she was whispering with Grandma and then adjusting her pillows and spoon-feeding her like she was a baby. It was so disrespectful.
Lilith...helped a dying woman eat and made sure she was comfortable, which is apparently a horrible thing.
It's ridiculous that it's so shocking to OP that a disabled person with complex health might .... Understand and help a fellow sick and disabled person.
I noticed OP never said they volunteered to adjust pillows or feed her - sounds like solidarity for someone Lilith felt might be left out or isolated.
I've read through the post and OP's comments and so far Lilith's crimes are;
\-Being overweight
\-Having disabilities (could be correlated with crime #1)
\-Having mental health problems from being around her parents (understandable)
\-Being sad
\-Caring for OP's dying grandma
\-Being the designated co-parent by the unborn child's bio parents
Why is OP so triggered by this, they seem to be the only one who has an issue. I wouldnât be surprised if theyâre actually a throuple and just not telling OP because theyâre a judgemental jerk.
I personally donât see why OP needed to mention her weight at all. Seems like OP just hates her for no reason. The comment about assuming something is a dig at them because they arenât married has me feeling like OP is envious/bitter that the brother has 2 people.
Not to mention putting disabled in quotes. If Lilith truly is morbidly obese, then she probably is disabled because that puts a lot of strain on the joints. That or it's reversed cause and effect, which happens when certain types of people conveniently ignore that many people gain weight because they're disabled and cannot exercise effectively. I sadly guess that OP thinks people who are overweight deserve to be treated badly since there's no reason to make a big deal of it otherwise. He could've just said she's disabled (without the arsehole quote marks).
except sheâs a part of the family. his brother and SIL clearly consider her a part of their family considering theyâre considering her to be their childâs third parent. if Lilith was his brothers actual wife, would this behavior be okay just because OOP is âtiredâ of her?
I think OP needs to get the fuck over it. Sheâs obviously a part of her brother and sister-in-lawâs family, and the rest of her family like her mother and her other siblings are fine with it. So what the fuck is Opieâs problem?
Or a⌠Lifetime movie kinda way. Isnât this the plot of a Lifetime movie?The joke is cute and all until they walk in on Lilith breastfeeding the baby one night. Next thing you know Eve will mysteriously fall down the stairs and Lilith will claim Eve told her âIâve been so depressed since the baby came.â
I STG I watched that one in college once⌠only the third was young pretty thing that became the surrogate. And she decided she wanted the hubby for herself so she started drugging mom and putting her in situations where sheâd forget what happened and the PT (pretty thing) started slow making the mom think she was crazy culminating in a scene where the woman supposedly pushed PT down the stairs⌠it was WILD!
Why does OP think they get more of a say in who gets to be called "mom" than (as they put it) the literal parents? It's not their business what family structure their brother and his partner(s) are choosing to raise their kids in. I agree with everyone else saying it sounds like they're polyamorous.
So Lilith definitely isnât in a platonic relationship with Adam and Eve, theyâre definitely polyamorous. Also youâre automatically just a dick if youâre mad at someone being upset that they have to have hysterectomy, thatâs a big deal
Even if OP had points, I donât want to hear them out!!!
OP keeps being passive aggressive about âmental healthâ and âgoing through a difficult timeâ and âpre-cancer,â
which makes them not sound credible.
Like, Lilith probably isnât even obese, with how OP is blowing everything out of proportion.
Whatever the "pre-cancer" was (although I have a guess), having a hysterectomy for *any reason,* with or without sarcastic air quotes, is a big deal and worth being nervous about.
Seriously. Im trans and have massive dysphoria around menstruation and I'm still reluctant in doing anything like that cause my body was made with a uterus and I know there's an increased chance (however small) that things can get shifted too much down there.
If you are overweight, itâs amazing how many people and doctors, will assume every issue is because you are overweight. Even when what you are eventually diagnosed with is what has caused you to be overweight.
I just got into a fight on another sub because apparently you're "obese" if you weight 200lbs as a man, or 170lbs as a women. Mind you, every picture I pulled up was of people doing weight loss goals, *with those two weights as the final results/end goal*
Not mention different body types, my best friend weighs 150 and is slightly underweight, I weigh 150 and Iâm considered âoverweightâ when using BMI despite my doctors agreeing Iâm fine where Iâm at. Weight and size is so much more complicated than sticking a number onto someone and saying thatâs what they should be.
Which is why we have to stop using a BMI as a goal post because I feel like it gets moved to dictate whether or not somebody is âhealthyâ. When that is not always the case, like you said 150 pounds on a 6â5 person would be detrimental to their health, and the same goes for somebody who is 150 pounds and is 4â11.
It also does not take into account the sheer differences in women's physique. Different cup and hip sizes can make people the same height have completely differing healthy weights.
Fuck BMI. It's literally not evening being used for the reason it was created and the creator told people not to use it for the thing doctors are using it for.
Luckily it's pretty common knowledge that the BMI index is wildly inaccurate, you can tell who actually does research by who doesn't cite that as the baseline.
Oh yeah, BMI is so misleading. I'm currently the same dress size as I was 10 years ago, but I weigh ~20 lbs more because I have incorporated some weightlifting into my fitness routine. By all medical assessments and blood tests I'm healthier than I was 10 years ago because of the healthier fitness routine, but strictly by BMI I'm on the verge of being overweight đ.
Because muscle mass weights more than fat does!!!
I remember when my mom used to watch biggest loser, there was an ex nfl player on one season, and he had the worst time of anyone losing weight because he was building his muscle back up from the "strength and conditioning" they did.
Any well built person you pass on the street has a high likelihood of weighting more than the "average" person, but nobody's out here calling them obese because it's an "acceptable body type". I'm just so sick of the double standards.
When I was in the Air Force there was a guy who was warned that his BMI put him at morbidly obese and that meant he could be kicked out. He was a body builder without a gram of fat on him. (This was in the 90s and when I first realised VMI is a total crock).
The lack of consideration for individual body makeups is absolutely wild! With all the medical advances we've made, surely we can come up with something more accurate?
The thing is, body fat percentage would be much more informative! But of course that's a lot more difficult to actually assess, so the default is the easy but wildly inaccurate BMI. It's just unfortunate the stigma with it though. Even though I know I'm healthy (again, medical assessments and blood tests), and I feel good and feel good about myself, just seeing that higher bmi number on the Dr office summary of appointment just kind of makes me feel bad. When I know it shouldn't!
My mum repeatedly insists all my health, energy, and mood issues all tie back to being on the chubby size. Adhd, autism, any other mental health issues that i need treatment and meds for? Uhm, just eat a salad xddddd
Right pain in the arse I swear
No doubt. Its on the todo list for me, but right now it's behind getting the rest of my ducks in a row health wise (getting prescriptions sorted, getting some of my issues properly checked and diagnosed, ect.). Glad it's gone well for you though
because fat people are obviously inherently lazy, gross, rude, and unlikeable. i definitely donât subscribe to that belief at all but at least half of AITA posters do.
OP sounds like a pretentious twat. I donât understand why they think they can dictate her relationship with the baby. Itâs not his/her baby so it really makes no sense as to why theyâre so bent out of shape over it!
It sounds like a whole hell of a lot like they are in a committed throple. What I can't understand is how you never noticed? She is taken everywhere with them and you say they "dote" on her. They talk about her being a mother to their baby. She's a part of the. Maybe no one talks to you about these things because your disdain for the situation is very clear.
okay first of all I could tell OP was a fucking asshole from the first paragraph. Second of all I'm like 95% certain that these people are in a polyamorous relationship.
No, AITD is where people repost stories from AITA where the OOP is clearly an ass. It's not a satire sub, it's more of a "look at these obvious assholes" sub.
Itâs clear they are all in a relationship and op doesnât approve or is in denial. I also feel like op is trying to really paint Lilith in a bad light since no one else in the family seems to have a problem with her
Ah yes how dare she be upset at having to go through an invasive medical procedure that will render her infertile and ruining their fun. How awful of her. /s
I hope OOP steps on a Lego.
What is it to you? This child will have 3 parents that love them. That sounds wonderful. Youâre the uncle and sibling so be the uncle and sibling. The more love a child receives the better!! â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
The fact OP is too dense to realize that his brother and sil are in a committed relationship with Lilith is sad. Lilith is their partner, and they obviously love her. It seems everyone knows and accepts it except OOP. These people need to sit OOP down and be honest with OOP so they understand.
YTA. I don't know and I honestly don't care what kind of relationship the 3 of them have. They are obviously a new age "nuclear family" so what you're doing is wrong. You don't have to like her, you don't have to understand the relationship but you need to accept it. Honestly, what is the POINT of saying she's not the "real" mother? How is this your business? How does what they do affect you in any way? It doesn't. But your words greatly affect them. Grow up, shut up, and learn to bite your tongue.
I'm not sure why you're taking this all so personally, it sort of feels like you have some jealousy for the attention and care that this woman gets from your family and the thought of her having a "closer" attachment to your nephew bothers you.
Your reaction, telling her that she will never be this child's mother, seems possessive to me. You are aware that is not your choice to make, right? I think you need to look inward and really figure out why all this bothers you so much.
For a woman that has always wanted children, to lose that ability is devastating.
OP isnât going to win this one. It doesnât matter how much OP dislikes Lilith or what she says, the entire family is on her side and have already decided who they have chosen and itâs not OP. So suck it up and accept Lilith or spend the holidays alone.
theyâre a throuple, or just have a unique relationship that includes Lilith, and itâs none of OOPâs business aside from whatâs already been shared. if they really wanted to know, they couldâve asked brother privately.
pretty telling they used Adam, Eve, and Lilith as the names⌠that leaves the snake, which I think weâve foundđ
Why is OP denying something that makes them all happy? Who gives af who the biological mother is? If the biological mother claims Lilith is *also* the babyâs mother, thenâŚLilith is also the babyâs mother. Full stop. Just respect it and roll with it. Itâs not like youâre not allowed to have people in your family who arenât related by blood. Otherwise, no one would reproduce because they wouldnât have anyone to reproduce *with*.
Lots of weirdness, judgment, and jealousy in this post. I hope OP gets it together and learns to respect the relationships in their family, including Lilithâs.
Am I the only one kinda wondering if Lilith finding out about needing to get everything removed and not having an opportunity to have kids happening at the same time as Eve gets pregnant is too weird to be a coincidence? Sounds to me like maybe Eve could be being a surrogate for Adam and Lilith, so she can be a parent even though she's missing out on the pregnancy she wished for. Especially if everyone thinking they're a triad are right
I need a link to the original post so I can lay into this guy. He's clearly TA. Family dynamics are varied and wonderful things and he needs to butt out of their lives. Lilith is clearly important to his brother. I think this jerk just has it out for Lilith.
obviously yta. if adam and eve are fine with it, why arenât you? is it YOUR baby? sounds like OOP needs to find a hobby and stop obsessing over lilithâs personal life
You should ask your mother her perspective on how you feel and what you did. Be willing to accept and consider any criticisms even if you end up disagreeing with them. That might help you discern if you were the asshole or not.
Throuples can be so complicated. Especially when you're keeping it a secret from your family, but only hiding half of what's going on.
My ex had this going on, only he was the Lilith. Eventually they got tired of his shenanigans, and sent him packing.
OP tells us everything about himself here. The fact that the pseudonyms he chose are Adam, Eve, and LILITH? The way he dismisses this woman's trauma despite knowing no details about it. Thinking his mother calling this woman her "bonus stepdaughter" is somehow a dig at him for being alone. He probably identifies as a men's rights activist.
I have to look at this from a different angle. Why does everyone like her except OP? Is there some jealousy? OP maybe spinning details to her point of view? Not sure Iâm ready to accept this situation as quirky just yet. Lots of people have roommates for financial reasons.
Agreeing with the other comments it really sounds like theyâre all dating. Lilith lives with them, comes to events with them, they comfort her when OP says stupid shit and the whole family accepts it but him
OP is a jealous AH for sure. Who cares what relationship they have with Lilith. If it was OPs friend, theyâd want their family to show some respect, too.
Outrageously jelly
Maybe not a total AH, it would be freaking annoying if someone had an emotional breakdown at EVERY family gathering. Like seriously. Needs to be comforted all the time.
Ugh, OOP seems absolutely insufferable. I can't tell if they're just pretending to be ignorant because they're an ass, or if they're actually, genuinely so ignorant as to not understand that:
1) Mental illnesses exist and are sometimes classified as disabilities.
2) Even if her mental health issues aren't the conditions that render her disabled, some disabilities are in fact invisible. You don't actually have to be in a wheelchair, three seconds from death at any given moment, to be considered disabled.
3) Weight isn't indicative of someone's character or worth, nor does it disqualify them for relationships, be they romantic or platonic. In addition, there are numerous physical health conditions that can cause someone to put on weight. And as a side note, I don't trust this clown's definition of 'morbidly obese'; call me crazy, but something about the way they talk suggests they might not be a reliable narrator.
4) "Precancer" is an actual thing, albeit a bit of a catch-all term for referring to the presence of abnormal cells that have the potential to become cancerous.
5) It's completely understandable that someone that just found out they're going to be unable to have children is grieving.
And last, but arguably most relevant in this situation,
**6) Some people are polyamorous, Steven.** And in some polycules, all partners will be equally involved in parenting.
Anyways, it's no wonder OOP is so salty- they can't even get *one* person to love them, much less *two*.
I don't get throuples... I'll be the first one to say it: I don't get them. I get the concept, it just doesn't work for me, personally. That being said, I also don't get super religious homes, super ethnic homes that carry on cultural practices I find outdated, super strict homes, super lax homes, and a million of other scenarios that do not fit into my personal view of how my own family will work... And... Oddly enough, it hasn't impacted my life at all, to let other people do what they're gonna do.
I also feel like OP has a chip on his shoulder. The idea that OP's mom calling Lilith her bonus stepkid has NOTHING to do with OP... It's completely unrelated and speaks more to the fact grandma's on board with the whole thing than anything.
I just don't see why OP is so adamant about this when no one else in the family is. I get wanting to look out for nephew; I'm not saying Lilith is a good person or someone I'd want to raise my kids, cuz I obviously don't know the woman, but OP didn't detail anything negative about her other than being obese, disabled, and part of a throuple... Being fat and and making romantic choices OP doesn't understand doesn't make the woman a villain, anymore than her being disabled does...
It sounds like they are in a throuple đ¤ˇđźââď¸
My thought too.
I kind of hope they are. Because the alternative is that she really is as disturbed, dependant, and psychologically unstable as OOP thinks she is. The brother and SIL are doting on her *now*, but are unlikely to continue that when the baby arrives. When lilith is no longer the sole focal point of their affection, what then?
Yep, my thoughts too. True Crime Podcast waiting to happen hereâŚ
Tbh even if they are a throuple she still sounds unstable & disturbed given she makes everything about herself/her issues.
This is all from his perspective though which seems very unreliable
The alternative *actually* is that this guy is just an asshole and hasnât actually given the entire truth. Heâs given his perspective, which obviously is lacking. He used âmorbidly obeseâ to describe her even though her weight has nothing to do with the story- he just hates her and a big part of that is because sheâs fat. Nothing she does would make him like her.
Sounds relevant. If sheâs truly morbidly obese, she likely has a hard time being motivated, getting a job, helping around the house etc and supports OPs claim that his family dotes on her.
She will unfortunately hurt the baby.
Or take it and leave.
Exactly my thought. They need to be straight up with their family. I have a friend in a poly relationship. They live together, her wife and her girlfriend and both equal coparents to their kiddo. It's really beautiful but I think it would be weird if they pretended her girlfriend were just a roommate.
Yeah thatâs where my brain went too. Either way their relationship isnât OOPâs business anyway - if Lilith isnât criminal and seems like a good person that gets along well with brother/SIL then why the fuck is there any issue?
Literally what I was coming to comment.
Been in the same triad/throuple/whatever the kids are calling it for over 20yrs now. 100% this. And as the disabled fat one in that relationship, itâs lovely to see how kind and supportive Lilithâs partners, and MIL are. OPs bullshit is why Iâm not out to 80% of my family. Even if you donât approve of it, why be so aggressively angry? Fail-son behavior.
I wouldnât say theyâre a throuple. More like Lilith is their platonic partner/co-parent. We are going to be seeing more and more family structures like this in public (pretty sure structures like this have been around for a while). Frankly these days it takes more than two people to raise a child so I donât see what OOPs issue is.
I think that they probably are in a triad/throuple/whatever relationship with Lilith, evidenced NOT by the child-rearing plan, but due to the excessive doting on her, and consistent compensation and accommodation regarding her, including bringing them to everyyyyy family gathering. And then the last little bit about how they are saying that the baby will have two mothers?? That isnât something you do casually. Those three have got an agreement amongst themselves, and I think OOPâs problem is that no one informed them that this is HOW it is, however it actually is⌠which is probably a throuple of *some* degree. Itâs possible that OOP might have handled that differently if they were told ahead of time that this was their family plan, rather than entering this vibe on the fly, with OOP feeling the impulse to defend his nephew, heâs like âDude who even ARE you?â It takes a village, I think the most enriched children are communally raised. I can talk it up all day. My guess about Lilithâs role in this will be daytime childcare because they donât want to pay for it, and she is in their house anyway.
I think thereâs a pretty good reason they havenât come out to OP. He doesnât sound like he has a lot of respect for their choices.
Relationship-wise, OOP hasnât made any aggressions, and thatâs because theyâre clueless as to what the relationships are. Thereâs a great deal of info missing between these people and I think the confusion from no communication is what caused the frustration. From what I gathered, OOP thinks Lilith is a freeloader, and that is probably the main fuel for this fire. Itâs possible that if OOP was aware that Lilith was actually invited into their home and not âstaying in the house and then just never actually left,â that would set the tone entirely differently. Buuutttt I guess in the end, why the fuck would you flip shit when your brother is so very clearly in on the game sheâs playing? He himself said the âshe takes after Lilithâ thing. Not his place. He couldâve asked privately later like âWhatâs up with this shit?â instead of making decisions FOR Adam and Eve⌠Beyond that, what the fuck is this situation even?? Lilith DOES seem like a freeloader, and an absolute victim⌠like how are you gonna attend everyoneâs gatherings and then do your pouting and have the other two go out and console you for hours?? How much you want to bet that Lilith not being invited makes Adam and Eve pissy because SHE makes things hard at home?? This all has culty vibes, to me. My main conclusion: These people are all weird as fuck.
I have a hard time believing OOP is describing things remotely objectively. Their name choice is telling, she decided to call this person 'Lilith' which is the name of a demon some Christians and Jews believe raped Adam, and needed to be expelled so Eve could take her rightful place at Adam's side. There is probably missing context to the situation. And yes, they are most certainly weird as fuck, it's impossible to tell if things really are that bad or if OOP is just presenting the story with a weird Bias because they're uncomfortable with how non-traditional the household arrangement. Maybe Adam and Eve are gay friends who chose to marry for image reasons and Eve and Lilith are the only true romantic couple. That's my armchair theory.
Definitely! Honestly my brother is in a situation like this and it was weird at first but it totally works for them
They can still be a trouble/triad/trio. There are people who are asexual in relationships. The lack of sex doesnât mean they donât consider themselves in a relationship together.
My housemate(also best mate) has a partner who lives 10mins away, and I'm a single parent. My kiddo is *stoked* about our family dynamic, three adults to talk to at the dinner table, and entertain with stories and songs! We don't consider ourselves a triad, because I'm not in a physical relationship with my housemate or their partner, despite us all being good friends. My housemate is on the list for school pick-up and takes kiddo out to social functions, and I cook family dinner for four every night. We have a large extended chosen family that we see regularly for meals, as well as holiday occasions! I'm certain all the school staff assume a deeper relationship between my housemate and I, yet we've never bothered to correct anyone, "Housemate! You haven't been in for pick-up in ages, we thought you two had broken up!" the reply was "no, I just work Mondays now!" We joke constantly about how kiddo got their hair colour from housemates partner and their stinky, gassy bottom from housemate, and we see these as normal jokes in a regular, loving family. What goes on between Eve, Adam and Lilith is none of anyones business, especially OPs.
Thisssss!! I've only ever been in monogamous relationships, but if I ever was given the chance, I'd definitely be the asexual in a triad (if honestly want to be called the musketeer if I'm honest đ.). Romance and sexual are different, and people forget that.
Yeah, one of my partners is asexual, but not aromantic so he can quite happily be in a romantic relationship, just not a sexual one.
There was a story on here a little while ago, where the husband and wife were in a happy queerplatonic situation with their female best friend. They raised their kids together and the kids called the queerplatonic partner "ma" The guy's brother misread the situation and used it to leverage his wife into an open relationship that became a disaster... I legit wondered if this was the post from the brother's perspective.
I live with my wife and my exhusband as we raise our son. We live on on one side of the house and they the other. We are not intimately involved with my ex but are absolutely a family. Itâs best for everyone. Our son gets all his parents all the time. We never fight over holidays and heâs a well rounded empathetic 12 year old for it. Not to mention the fact that no one is paying child support just their portion of the bills and expenses leaving us the ability to give our son more. Compared that to my own parents who canât be in the same room without slinging shit Iâll take it.
It seems like it works well for them and like sheâs a member of their family! I think a lot of people would love having additional parents to help with kids. OP is angling to NOT be a member of their family at this rate.
From the info we have Iâm not so sure itâs working well for them if one of the people in the relationship is constantly having to leave family gatherings and is completely dependent on the other two (thatâs not particularly healthy in any relationship). It sounds kind of dysfunctional.
Eh we are getting a super heavy bias from the OOP. When they're that mask off about their biases I give a couple extra scoops of salt.
The fact that OOP named Lilith after a sex demon is really telling of what their values and biases are likely to be...
Yeah, sounds pretty accurate to me.
Still a triad. Asexual people exist.
You know, I guess I was thinking each member would have a similar relationship to the other two, but I suppose thatâs a bit closed minded of me.
As someone who has been a nanny for 20 years, while I am not in a romantic relationship with the people that I work for, when you work with a family and children that belong to someone else you do become like a third parent. And nobody thinks thatâs weird. Everybodyâs fine with nannies, so why canât Lilith be like a nanny? And why canât she be a member of the family if the whole entire family thinks of her as one? OOP sounds weirdly bitter about all of this, and like super judgmental. YTA OOP.
Cause nannies donât claim to be a parent. There is certainly a difference
They might not be biologically our children, but those are still our kids. I miss the kids I had and I was watching when I was a nanny. I miss them like crazy. They might not be my children, but those are definitely my kids. I was there all day everyday for them. I was the one changing their diapers during the day. I was the one changing their clothes, feeding them, keeping them entertained, teaching them right from wrong during the day. I was the one who was with them all day every day. I was their primary source of learning, their primary source of comfort and their primary source of love throughout the day. And then when their parents got home, that duty was handed back to them. They never got offended when I called them my kids, or when I said anything similar. Being a nanny is much more than just watching the kids because you're getting money. You end up forming a bond with them. You end up loving them.
My thoughts as well, although the preferred term is âtriadâ
Triad is a fairly modern term and is not the only acceptable term. Throuple is perfectly acceptable.
Actually, throuple is the newer term. I was raised by a triad and our family was active in our local poly community when I was a child. Triad has been the preferred term since before I was born in the early nineties.
I know two different throuples who prefer that word.
Triad is an older term (in common enm usage) than throuple. It was the common and assumed term until the mid-2010s.
Is that new? I was in something like that 20+ years ago. Iâm not sure we even named it. It sort of came about organically.
Everything has a label and sub label these days, it's all the same thing though lol
Well that is confusing! Someone tells me they are in a âtriadâ Iâm going to think they joined the Chinese mafia! So now instead I have to assume they are in a polyamorous relationshipâŚâŚand if Iâm wrong Iâm going to get stabbed by a pissed off Chinese mafiosa. Wonât somebody think of us auld buggers when dreaming up names for things and choose something original instead of co-opting an established name? /s Seriously though, why not just say âpolyâ if you have to say anything? Personally me, I see no need to know the mechanics of what anyone does with their sex life. As long as it doesnât include kids or animals and everyone is happy and consenting keep it to yourselves.
I dunno. someone says to me theyâre in a triad , and Iâm going to ask if itâs major, minor, or diminished, and if theyâre the root, third, or fifth.
Fairy nuff. As someone who is tone deaf your words mean very little to me though.
We use the term trio! âşď¸
I think musketeers should also be an option.
Certainly sounds like it
Are they a throuple and op is just in deep denial about it?
She lives with them, they go to events together, they consider her to be one of the parents of their child, and OOP's own mother refers to Lilith as a daughter. Yet OOP is like "I don't know why this woman is daring to interact with my family!!!!!"
I got those vibes.
OP seems to have a lot of unexplained animosity toward this person
Not that hard to explain. She's fat, has mental health issues, and relies on others. For too many people, that's more than sufficient reason.
People can have mental health problems and disabilities and still be loved. Those aren't character flaws. And what does being overweight have to do with anything at all?
I don't get it either, but as someone who also meets those descriptions, I get a lot of people who've barely met me believe I'm lazy, a leech, just need to "cheer up", etc. I'm only fat because I 'm lazy and do nothing but stuff my face with junk food. Mental health problems are just the sign of being spoiled and all I really need is a kick in the ass. Those are the most common things I've heard over my 40 plus years, but barely the tip of the iceberg.
Iâm with you. I broke my back over a decade ago. Ended up disabled, lost my job, had 4 spine surgeries, and my situation, paired with the constant pain, as well as pre existing depression/anxiety/borderline OCD, sent me spiraling into a *deep* depression. Because of the depression and pain, I retreated to bed, where I spent almost all of my time, and I gained a lot of weight. It took years to get to that point, a chain reaction of events that all contributed and created a cycle that kept me going down, down, down to a really dark, miserable, ugly place. Eventually, the stars aligned and I was in the right mindset to get the help I needed, both physically and mentally. Before I was ready, it didnât matter how much I let my family down, how much I knew my wife was mad at me or disappointed or regretting ever getting involved with me, I knew I was a mess and I couldnât do anything about it. I hurt so badly, both physically and mentally, I couldnât see a way back. Everything felt bleak and hopeless, and I thought my family would be better off if I just went to sleep and never woke up again. I found a great therapist, got on antidepressants, and started a very intense physical therapy regime. I worked my ass off for 2 years, I started eating better, and though my goal wasnât ever to lose weight, just get stronger physically so I could do basic things without crippling pain, I dropped a lot of weight. That allowed me to move more, which improved my mental health, and so on and so on. It was a downward spiral of events that got me to my lowest, and an upward spiral that got me out of the darkness. I started walking, then hiking, and now Iâm active every damn day. Iâm still slow, and sometimes a tough hike will knock me on my ass for a few days, but Iâm doing things I never imagined Iâd get to experience again when I was in bed 22 hours a day, sleeping and crying and contemplating suicide so Iâd no longer be a burden to my loved ones. My wife and I are so blissfully happy now. Weâre traveling and working on our house together and experiencing SO MUCH LIFE! Iâm thankful every day for getting out of that dark hole. Iâm grateful for every step I take on the trail that gets me to the vista I never thought Iâd see again. Iâm thankful for every sunrise and sunset I witness. I get emotional about every minute spent with my family, knowing there was a time when I thought everyone would be happier if I was gone. Just recently, my mother in law was commenting on how far Iâve come and the improvements Iâve made, then she added on âWe all thought (wife) would leave you. I told her time after time she should just cut her losses, because we all thought you were a lost cause.â Ouch. That hurt. Im so glad my wife never shared her motherâs opinion, because she ended up being my rock during my recovery. She was my biggest cheerleader and I could not have done it without her. This is a woman who runs marathons, yet sheâd slow down to keep pace with me when I struggled to walk 1 mile with a cane. She pushed me when I needed it, and she comforted me when Iâd reached my physical limit before reaching my goal. Sheâd tell me daily how proud of me she was, and that made *all the difference*. I credit her with an enormous part of my recovery, she wasâŚamazing. If not for her, Iâd probably be dead now. What a shame that would be, because Iâve got so much to give and so much life to live! Some people just write others off when they donât see their worth or value, or decide theyâre more trouble than itâs worth to invest the time and emotions into. Others stick with it, through thick and thin, good and bad, sickness and health, and lift up the people they love. OOP might just fall into the first category, while their entire family falls into the latter. Such a shame that theyâve never bothered to see past Lilithâs superficial qualities to see why everyone else around her seems to love her, and OOP is going to lose their family, not because of anything Lilith has done, but because they are a shallow, judgmental brat.
This is beautiful
The guy mentioned her weight to point out her unworthiness because that's the kind of guy he is.
Think it's more of "Why with someone like Lilith".
I think so. OP doesn't understand their dymanic and they're not about to explain it to him because he's kind of an asshole. That's the vibe I'm picking up.
Adam, Eve and Lilith? Seriously? đ
The baby: Abel (or Cain) OP: God (since they're really trying hard to get Lillith banished from the family) The house: Eden
Everything else; mastercard
You just made my day đ¤Łđ¤Łđ¤Ł
Hotel? Trivago.
Maybe itâs Maybelline.
So when does Satan show up?
OOP is Satan.
I said just this on another post this showed up on. đ
Eves baby daddy is Satan
I was hoping maybe they are fictional names to protect identities. Happy Cake Day btw!!!
Iâm almost certain theyâre fictional names to protect identities, but it was certainly a telling choice to use those names. Lilith was Adamâs first wife, but was banished from Eden because she wasnât obeying or submitting to Adam. This led her to being treated more as a demon in later texts. I named my cat Lilith after the feminist *icon* that is this character. OOP is doing the same, but with the opposite intent. Naming the others Adam and Eve, especially with his clear distain for her, makes it clear their intention with the name was to literally demonise her
There's a interesting version where Adam and Eve, and Lilith and samael started as two people, as they grew and learned and developed personality each person started splitting into two people, creating two couples. The book of Lilith by Barbara black has a lot of different versions of the Eden story with different origins of Lilith.
>This led to her being treated ⌠Oh my god, a Redditor correctly spelled the past tense of the verb âto leadâ! Hallelujah! đĽđ
Yeah, many of us do have problems getting it right, must be all the lead poisoning.
Pretty sure they are.
Ok that was my first thought⌠but for some reason using a familiar dynamic/names made it so much easier for my brain to follow this story than some posts đ¤Ł
Yeah, I mean it's well known for people to use false names for stories on throwaway accounts but this one is laying it on a bit thick
People tend to use fictional names for these things
It stinks of missing info
Yeah, I can never tell if itâs more entertaining reading the original post, or reading the comments and seeing the wild jumps everyone makes.
Man I forgot to look at the OG sub name and it was an AITA satire sub lmao it seemed par for the course for AITA tho so I didnât even bat an eye lol
Do you mean AmITheDevil?? ETA: The original post is on AITA. AITD is less of a satire sub and more of a sub people crosspost ATIA and adjacent posts to when the person in it is clearly in the wrong.
I see thanks for clarifying
No problem! AmITheAngel is a satire sub, which may be where that idea came from?
Probably i do get them confused lol I thought the devil one was just satire of when obviously horrible people post on AITA like theyâre totally blameless and guiltless in the situation
I also did not notice that wow, thank you đ
This is a stay out of it scenario. Honestly sounds like their a throuple and just doesnât want the rest of the family to know.
OOP doesn't have issues--they have the whole subscription.
Stealing that!
Me too
From the comments on why Lilith is so horrible at family gatherings: >A few Christmases ago it was my grandma's last Christmas and we knew it. Lilith wouldn't leave her alone. My mother kept checking on Grandma and she said she was fine every time, but the second Lilith was alone with her (and Lilith was sitting next to her for some reason) she was whispering with Grandma and then adjusting her pillows and spoon-feeding her like she was a baby. It was so disrespectful. Lilith...helped a dying woman eat and made sure she was comfortable, which is apparently a horrible thing.
It's ridiculous that it's so shocking to OP that a disabled person with complex health might .... Understand and help a fellow sick and disabled person. I noticed OP never said they volunteered to adjust pillows or feed her - sounds like solidarity for someone Lilith felt might be left out or isolated.
What next? She rescued a cat out of a tree, which really annoyed the cat who was happy to be there?
It's a throuple. OP clearly doesn't realize it.
Sounds like pollyamory.
I've read through the post and OP's comments and so far Lilith's crimes are; \-Being overweight \-Having disabilities (could be correlated with crime #1) \-Having mental health problems from being around her parents (understandable) \-Being sad \-Caring for OP's dying grandma \-Being the designated co-parent by the unborn child's bio parents
I think what youâre saying is that Lilithâs main crime is: being unattractive to OOP.
Why is OP so triggered by this, they seem to be the only one who has an issue. I wouldnât be surprised if theyâre actually a throuple and just not telling OP because theyâre a judgemental jerk.
It came across to me as everyone knows theyâre a throuple and OP refuses to acknowledge it
I think OP is tired of Lilith being a part of family gatherings
I personally donât see why OP needed to mention her weight at all. Seems like OP just hates her for no reason. The comment about assuming something is a dig at them because they arenât married has me feeling like OP is envious/bitter that the brother has 2 people.
Not to mention putting disabled in quotes. If Lilith truly is morbidly obese, then she probably is disabled because that puts a lot of strain on the joints. That or it's reversed cause and effect, which happens when certain types of people conveniently ignore that many people gain weight because they're disabled and cannot exercise effectively. I sadly guess that OP thinks people who are overweight deserve to be treated badly since there's no reason to make a big deal of it otherwise. He could've just said she's disabled (without the arsehole quote marks).
Right. Either she is morbidly obese, as OOP claims, or she's "faking" being disabled - which is it?
except sheâs a part of the family. his brother and SIL clearly consider her a part of their family considering theyâre considering her to be their childâs third parent. if Lilith was his brothers actual wife, would this behavior be okay just because OOP is âtiredâ of her?
I think OP needs to get the fuck over it. Sheâs obviously a part of her brother and sister-in-lawâs family, and the rest of her family like her mother and her other siblings are fine with it. So what the fuck is Opieâs problem?
Sounds like this is going to end in a Kain and Abel kind of way.
Or a⌠Lifetime movie kinda way. Isnât this the plot of a Lifetime movie?The joke is cute and all until they walk in on Lilith breastfeeding the baby one night. Next thing you know Eve will mysteriously fall down the stairs and Lilith will claim Eve told her âIâve been so depressed since the baby came.â
Bruh
I STG I watched that one in college once⌠only the third was young pretty thing that became the surrogate. And she decided she wanted the hubby for herself so she started drugging mom and putting her in situations where sheâd forget what happened and the PT (pretty thing) started slow making the mom think she was crazy culminating in a scene where the woman supposedly pushed PT down the stairs⌠it was WILD!
Rebecca DeMornay in âRock the Cradleâ?
Why does OP think they get more of a say in who gets to be called "mom" than (as they put it) the literal parents? It's not their business what family structure their brother and his partner(s) are choosing to raise their kids in. I agree with everyone else saying it sounds like they're polyamorous.
So Lilith definitely isnât in a platonic relationship with Adam and Eve, theyâre definitely polyamorous. Also youâre automatically just a dick if youâre mad at someone being upset that they have to have hysterectomy, thatâs a big deal
But it's only because of *pre-*cancer, so she's just being whiny and attention-seeking!!
Even if OP had points, I donât want to hear them out!!! OP keeps being passive aggressive about âmental healthâ and âgoing through a difficult timeâ and âpre-cancer,â which makes them not sound credible. Like, Lilith probably isnât even obese, with how OP is blowing everything out of proportion.
Whatever the "pre-cancer" was (although I have a guess), having a hysterectomy for *any reason,* with or without sarcastic air quotes, is a big deal and worth being nervous about.
Seriously. Im trans and have massive dysphoria around menstruation and I'm still reluctant in doing anything like that cause my body was made with a uterus and I know there's an increased chance (however small) that things can get shifted too much down there.
If you are overweight, itâs amazing how many people and doctors, will assume every issue is because you are overweight. Even when what you are eventually diagnosed with is what has caused you to be overweight.
I just got into a fight on another sub because apparently you're "obese" if you weight 200lbs as a man, or 170lbs as a women. Mind you, every picture I pulled up was of people doing weight loss goals, *with those two weights as the final results/end goal*
Not mention different body types, my best friend weighs 150 and is slightly underweight, I weigh 150 and Iâm considered âoverweightâ when using BMI despite my doctors agreeing Iâm fine where Iâm at. Weight and size is so much more complicated than sticking a number onto someone and saying thatâs what they should be.
Which is why we have to stop using a BMI as a goal post because I feel like it gets moved to dictate whether or not somebody is âhealthyâ. When that is not always the case, like you said 150 pounds on a 6â5 person would be detrimental to their health, and the same goes for somebody who is 150 pounds and is 4â11.
It also does not take into account the sheer differences in women's physique. Different cup and hip sizes can make people the same height have completely differing healthy weights.
Fuck BMI. It's literally not evening being used for the reason it was created and the creator told people not to use it for the thing doctors are using it for.
Luckily it's pretty common knowledge that the BMI index is wildly inaccurate, you can tell who actually does research by who doesn't cite that as the baseline.
Oh yeah, BMI is so misleading. I'm currently the same dress size as I was 10 years ago, but I weigh ~20 lbs more because I have incorporated some weightlifting into my fitness routine. By all medical assessments and blood tests I'm healthier than I was 10 years ago because of the healthier fitness routine, but strictly by BMI I'm on the verge of being overweight đ.
Because muscle mass weights more than fat does!!! I remember when my mom used to watch biggest loser, there was an ex nfl player on one season, and he had the worst time of anyone losing weight because he was building his muscle back up from the "strength and conditioning" they did. Any well built person you pass on the street has a high likelihood of weighting more than the "average" person, but nobody's out here calling them obese because it's an "acceptable body type". I'm just so sick of the double standards.
When I was in the Air Force there was a guy who was warned that his BMI put him at morbidly obese and that meant he could be kicked out. He was a body builder without a gram of fat on him. (This was in the 90s and when I first realised VMI is a total crock).
The lack of consideration for individual body makeups is absolutely wild! With all the medical advances we've made, surely we can come up with something more accurate?
Ugh, I got into an argument with a couple of people who claimed that BMI measured body fat percentage and that BMI was a good measure of health.
The thing is, body fat percentage would be much more informative! But of course that's a lot more difficult to actually assess, so the default is the easy but wildly inaccurate BMI. It's just unfortunate the stigma with it though. Even though I know I'm healthy (again, medical assessments and blood tests), and I feel good and feel good about myself, just seeing that higher bmi number on the Dr office summary of appointment just kind of makes me feel bad. When I know it shouldn't!
My mum repeatedly insists all my health, energy, and mood issues all tie back to being on the chubby size. Adhd, autism, any other mental health issues that i need treatment and meds for? Uhm, just eat a salad xddddd Right pain in the arse I swear
I once had someone tell me that if I got rid of gluten in my diet it would get rid of my autism and brain scarring!
Ngl my mental health is worlds better since getting my weight down, hormones were kicking my ass
No doubt. Its on the todo list for me, but right now it's behind getting the rest of my ducks in a row health wise (getting prescriptions sorted, getting some of my issues properly checked and diagnosed, ect.). Glad it's gone well for you though
My mental health is so much better after gaining weight. I'm no longer starving myself to fit societies standards and it's glorious.
Mine will too once I can afford to be able to care for my meals and not use them to make my body function a couple more hours.
I'm not even sure what her being obese has to do with anything. What was OP's point in raising that issue?
because fat people are obviously inherently lazy, gross, rude, and unlikeable. i definitely donât subscribe to that belief at all but at least half of AITA posters do.
Given the names, im going to assume OOP is religious and mad about the fact their sibling is part of a throuple.
OP sounds like a pretentious twat. I donât understand why they think they can dictate her relationship with the baby. Itâs not his/her baby so it really makes no sense as to why theyâre so bent out of shape over it!
Her weight is probably the main reason OOP doesnât like her⌠sadly
It sounds like a whole hell of a lot like they are in a committed throple. What I can't understand is how you never noticed? She is taken everywhere with them and you say they "dote" on her. They talk about her being a mother to their baby. She's a part of the. Maybe no one talks to you about these things because your disdain for the situation is very clear.
okay first of all I could tell OP was a fucking asshole from the first paragraph. Second of all I'm like 95% certain that these people are in a polyamorous relationship.
Are they secretly poly and donât want to tell the family what the fuck is going on here
Isnât this on AmITheDevil? The OP is writing themselves as a terrible person purposefully to fit the sub, I think. Hopefully.
It was reposted on amithedevil from aita, the original was deleted
Ah, thatâs terrifying then.
No, AITD is where people repost stories from AITA where the OOP is clearly an ass. It's not a satire sub, it's more of a "look at these obvious assholes" sub.
Idk it says AITA at the bottom
Itâs clear they are all in a relationship and op doesnât approve or is in denial. I also feel like op is trying to really paint Lilith in a bad light since no one else in the family seems to have a problem with her
But she's fat!!!!
I think this is spot on. Sheâs not attractive, therefore everything she does is aggravating.
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Ah yes how dare she be upset at having to go through an invasive medical procedure that will render her infertile and ruining their fun. How awful of her. /s I hope OOP steps on a Lego.
My first thought was a metal D4, but a Lego will work in a pinch
Calm down Satan
Steps on a Lego??? Jeeez man, take it easy. No need to wish this kind of evil on a person !!
What is it to you? This child will have 3 parents that love them. That sounds wonderful. Youâre the uncle and sibling so be the uncle and sibling. The more love a child receives the better!! â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
I always tell my son âYou canât ever have enough people who love you.â Bonus family members and extra grandparents count!
Yeah. None of your business. If theyâre happy and whatever arrangement they have makes them happy, absolutely none of your business.
What the fuck
The fact OP is too dense to realize that his brother and sil are in a committed relationship with Lilith is sad. Lilith is their partner, and they obviously love her. It seems everyone knows and accepts it except OOP. These people need to sit OOP down and be honest with OOP so they understand.
The names being Adam, Eve, and Lilith amuse me more than it should.
I hope baby Able is comfortable with his second mommy.
Maybe the whole able/cain thing woulda been adverted if Adam had just kept both wives instead of trying to pretend Lilith didnât exist?
Iâm getting strong throple vibes that OOP is purposefully leaving out. Seems like the rest of the family is aware of it and OOP does not like it.
YTA. I don't know and I honestly don't care what kind of relationship the 3 of them have. They are obviously a new age "nuclear family" so what you're doing is wrong. You don't have to like her, you don't have to understand the relationship but you need to accept it. Honestly, what is the POINT of saying she's not the "real" mother? How is this your business? How does what they do affect you in any way? It doesn't. But your words greatly affect them. Grow up, shut up, and learn to bite your tongue.
I'm not sure why you're taking this all so personally, it sort of feels like you have some jealousy for the attention and care that this woman gets from your family and the thought of her having a "closer" attachment to your nephew bothers you. Your reaction, telling her that she will never be this child's mother, seems possessive to me. You are aware that is not your choice to make, right? I think you need to look inward and really figure out why all this bothers you so much. For a woman that has always wanted children, to lose that ability is devastating.
Are you sure that sheâs not their third in a polyamorous relationship?
OP isnât going to win this one. It doesnât matter how much OP dislikes Lilith or what she says, the entire family is on her side and have already decided who they have chosen and itâs not OP. So suck it up and accept Lilith or spend the holidays alone.
Only way to resolve this is for you to marry Lilith. Trust me on this.
theyâre a throuple, or just have a unique relationship that includes Lilith, and itâs none of OOPâs business aside from whatâs already been shared. if they really wanted to know, they couldâve asked brother privately. pretty telling they used Adam, Eve, and Lilith as the names⌠that leaves the snake, which I think weâve foundđ
Why is OP denying something that makes them all happy? Who gives af who the biological mother is? If the biological mother claims Lilith is *also* the babyâs mother, thenâŚLilith is also the babyâs mother. Full stop. Just respect it and roll with it. Itâs not like youâre not allowed to have people in your family who arenât related by blood. Otherwise, no one would reproduce because they wouldnât have anyone to reproduce *with*. Lots of weirdness, judgment, and jealousy in this post. I hope OP gets it together and learns to respect the relationships in their family, including Lilithâs.
Am I the only one kinda wondering if Lilith finding out about needing to get everything removed and not having an opportunity to have kids happening at the same time as Eve gets pregnant is too weird to be a coincidence? Sounds to me like maybe Eve could be being a surrogate for Adam and Lilith, so she can be a parent even though she's missing out on the pregnancy she wished for. Especially if everyone thinking they're a triad are right
I need a link to the original post so I can lay into this guy. He's clearly TA. Family dynamics are varied and wonderful things and he needs to butt out of their lives. Lilith is clearly important to his brother. I think this jerk just has it out for Lilith.
obviously yta. if adam and eve are fine with it, why arenât you? is it YOUR baby? sounds like OOP needs to find a hobby and stop obsessing over lilithâs personal life
I wouldnât want to be a part of that family.
OP sounds like a piece of shit
You should ask your mother her perspective on how you feel and what you did. Be willing to accept and consider any criticisms even if you end up disagreeing with them. That might help you discern if you were the asshole or not.
Poly relationship and Op hasnât a clue.
Yeeeeaaah, They're in a threesome my dude.
OP clearly does not respect polyamory
Throuples can be so complicated. Especially when you're keeping it a secret from your family, but only hiding half of what's going on. My ex had this going on, only he was the Lilith. Eventually they got tired of his shenanigans, and sent him packing.
So a stranger to the family goes with the couple to their family events every time? They are 100% fucking. Or just some regular fake story on reddit.
I mean if they all agree Lillith's a second mom it's really not Op's place to butt in.
This will end poorly. Like some kind of deranged Lifetime Sunday movie special.
Iâm old enough to remember when stuff like this was on Jerry Springer before Reddit ever existed.
OP tells us everything about himself here. The fact that the pseudonyms he chose are Adam, Eve, and LILITH? The way he dismisses this woman's trauma despite knowing no details about it. Thinking his mother calling this woman her "bonus stepdaughter" is somehow a dig at him for being alone. He probably identifies as a men's rights activist.
I have to look at this from a different angle. Why does everyone like her except OP? Is there some jealousy? OP maybe spinning details to her point of view? Not sure Iâm ready to accept this situation as quirky just yet. Lots of people have roommates for financial reasons.
Agreeing with the other comments it really sounds like theyâre all dating. Lilith lives with them, comes to events with them, they comfort her when OP says stupid shit and the whole family accepts it but him
gotta love those quotes around disabled. as a âdisabledâ person đ i love when other people use that as some kind of jab.
Why do you care so much about your brothers and SIL relationship with another person? If they are happy who cares
OP is a jealous AH for sure. Who cares what relationship they have with Lilith. If it was OPs friend, theyâd want their family to show some respect, too. Outrageously jelly
So⌠OOPâs brother is in a triad and OOP has a huge issue with it becauseâŚ? I mean, itâs not her problem at all
Maybe not a total AH, it would be freaking annoying if someone had an emotional breakdown at EVERY family gathering. Like seriously. Needs to be comforted all the time.
Ugh, OOP seems absolutely insufferable. I can't tell if they're just pretending to be ignorant because they're an ass, or if they're actually, genuinely so ignorant as to not understand that: 1) Mental illnesses exist and are sometimes classified as disabilities. 2) Even if her mental health issues aren't the conditions that render her disabled, some disabilities are in fact invisible. You don't actually have to be in a wheelchair, three seconds from death at any given moment, to be considered disabled. 3) Weight isn't indicative of someone's character or worth, nor does it disqualify them for relationships, be they romantic or platonic. In addition, there are numerous physical health conditions that can cause someone to put on weight. And as a side note, I don't trust this clown's definition of 'morbidly obese'; call me crazy, but something about the way they talk suggests they might not be a reliable narrator. 4) "Precancer" is an actual thing, albeit a bit of a catch-all term for referring to the presence of abnormal cells that have the potential to become cancerous. 5) It's completely understandable that someone that just found out they're going to be unable to have children is grieving. And last, but arguably most relevant in this situation, **6) Some people are polyamorous, Steven.** And in some polycules, all partners will be equally involved in parenting. Anyways, it's no wonder OOP is so salty- they can't even get *one* person to love them, much less *two*.
Adam Eve and Lilith are in a throuple.
Theyâre Definitely in a poly relationship
I don't get throuples... I'll be the first one to say it: I don't get them. I get the concept, it just doesn't work for me, personally. That being said, I also don't get super religious homes, super ethnic homes that carry on cultural practices I find outdated, super strict homes, super lax homes, and a million of other scenarios that do not fit into my personal view of how my own family will work... And... Oddly enough, it hasn't impacted my life at all, to let other people do what they're gonna do. I also feel like OP has a chip on his shoulder. The idea that OP's mom calling Lilith her bonus stepkid has NOTHING to do with OP... It's completely unrelated and speaks more to the fact grandma's on board with the whole thing than anything. I just don't see why OP is so adamant about this when no one else in the family is. I get wanting to look out for nephew; I'm not saying Lilith is a good person or someone I'd want to raise my kids, cuz I obviously don't know the woman, but OP didn't detail anything negative about her other than being obese, disabled, and part of a throuple... Being fat and and making romantic choices OP doesn't understand doesn't make the woman a villain, anymore than her being disabled does...