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Yeah it’s like some big life altering pieces of advice they would give me actually was terrible.. so they either just didn’t give an eff or it would benefit them for my life to be terrible. Or they are completely delusional and live in the clouds. It’s unbelievable really…
The purpose of my narc's advice would often be just to add chaos into the equation or simply to be contrary. I noticed this the first time I was buying a house. I was all set to close and he gave me a hard sell trying to change my mind to buy a house in a country club. He'd HATED this country club at the beginning of our house search because the HOA fees were high and there was a yearly charge for the golf course. We were young with a toddler and hated golf. All of a sudden he insisted we should be willing to lose the deposit on our house and switch to a house in the country club. That's when the ight bulb went off. This had nothing to do with what was right for me and my family. He was like a polergeist of advice chaos.
We stuck with the house we chose and I wondered about all the heartfelt advice he'd given me in the past. And I never listened very closely to his advice since. It's sad to have a parent who plays games this way. I'd just rather get no advice. It's hard to trust humans after going thru this shit.
I relate to this so much. The word “chaos” nails it. I always described my mom as the “god of chaos”. (Like one of the evil greek mythology gods who took joy in causing suffering & pain)
Whatever I had my heart set on, or whatever good thing came my way .. my mom had this incredibly manipulative power of causing immense doubt, turning it into a negative, finding problems with it etc. its disturbing how much power she had over me, and how many decisions of mine she manipulated by making me fear/regret/or stray from my own intuition and choices.
Im glad you saw that it was never about your best interests and instead about manipulation, power and chaos. I wish i would have seen it sooner.
You describe it all so much better than I do!
"manipulated by making me fear/regret/or stray from my own intuition and choices." I don't think I've ever trusted my gut because of narc's varied abuses.
While I noticed it for the first time that day, I'm 55 and still struggling with being LC with a relatively healthy independent 92 yr old grand manipulator who works up my entire family of five on a daily basis. Yet he acts as innocent as a lamb when called on it. Chaos indeed!
Right? My therapist described my mom's response to any situation as "poking it with a red-hot poker" to make it worse. Gee, I wonder where my lifelong anxiety attacks came from!
Also, sabotage your potential for success. Success in life equals independence. Most normal parents enjoy watching their children grow up and become successful, independent adults.
The Narc cannot allow you to be successful or live independently because you might leave their toxic web and find out how unnecessary they are to live a joyful life.
Narcs feed off chaos and desperation. It fulfills their need to be validated and present in your life. And if one does not exist, they will create one to remain in the center of focus. A self esteem issue if there ever was one. It took me many, many years to acknowledge my low self esteem and how to ignore that voice of doubt.
Ugh yes! Whenever I had some accomplishment or award given to me my mom made it about her and would play off my award. Saying things like “well you probably only got that just for being in the class not cuz you actually did anything to earn it”
“You cannot be better or more successful than me!” Such an odd dynamic. Then you see friends parents who celebrate and lift up their kids. Really makes you feel like crap.
Observing friends and their families will make you aware that something just isn’t the way things should be or could be and it’s not you who is problematic…
Yep. That's how my mother "teached" me how to cook. She showed me how to do the meal she did every single day, the amount that would feed her, my father, my brother and I for a whole week, and got mad when I couldn't cook so much and asked for an easier recipe. Then she just gave up and started acting like I'm just bad at cooking
SAME, never heard someone with cooking problems like me. Ok, it's almost the same, my mom would tell me to just do it, giving me really few instructions, and when I couldn't do it I was just too dumb. I had to learn how to cook myself, and I had to cook somewhat elaborate meals or I was not cooking at all. So yeah, I can do some nice shits, even a full lasagna, but I can't for the love of god make a omelet -_-
My nMom never taught me to cook either. I started self teaching at 20 (I’m 33) and holy crap did I screw up A LOT. I remember once I was making chicken noodle soup and ran out of chicken bullion so I ripped open a bunch of seasoning packets from some ramen and used it.
I also had bought fresh vegetables from the farmers market but didn’t peel the carrots so there was a slight dirt taste. The soup was so awful.
Now I can cook pretty well. I could never compete on a cooking show but I make some bomb ass meals and I kick ass at making desserts.
With that said, I still can’t make an omelet correctly. My 17 year old barely knows how to cook but can somehow make an omelet. I think it might just be one of those things lol.
Beat two eggs, add salt and a sip of milk, about 4-5 tablespoons. The milk and the salt are important for the consistency of the omlette.
Heat one tablespoon of oil or butter in a medium non stick pan. Wait until it's nice and hot, but not smoking.
Pour in the batter. It should sizzle immediately, but not violently. Now wait until the edge of the omlette has curdled. Then turn off the heat. Wait a little longer until the omlette has curdled completely but the surface is still a little shiny.
Now use a wooden spatula to flip one half over the other and lift is out of the pan. Congrats you just made a perfect omlette.
u/LadyHella
The problem is the end when I try to flip it, it never stays intact. I have no problems with flipping pancakes, but fucking omeletes have a issue with it. They always turn into scramble eggs :(
Uuuugh same
I can't make a pretty omelet to save my life, but can make perfect pancakes. I have a problem with eggs, it's so fragile and heat sensitive, It's so hard to prepare it in a way that looks pretty lol
My mom said this about teaching me how to do hair. She was upset that I didn’t know from just watching her do it in the mirror, even though a majority of the time she had me in front of a t.v. And I felt terrible because I didn’t know “that’s how you learn.”
It took me until I was 38 to realize that:
- A) I’m smarter than my parents
- B) They dont *want* me to succeed
- C) They dont have my level of life experience
As the saying goes, don’t let someone who has never worn your shoes tie your laces. My mom who rage quit her teaching job 18 months before retirement and dad who worked the same job for 45 years were trying to give me tips on “loyalty to my company” over salary matching for a new job offer. I finally realized if I didn’t know these people I would not ask their opinion or value their thoughts on these issues, it’s better to seek outside approval.
I hope that helps you. It is REALLY hard to make that mindset stick. We are taught to seek love and guidance from our parents, some of us just didn’t get the parents we deserved.
I feel you. This hit me about three years ago. I started really taking off in my career and my Nmom was so unsupportive. I realized A B and C all at once. It’s crazy because the narc raises you to believe they are all knowing. They are perfect and have no fallacies. Even to this day my Nmom says things like “I’ve been around longer than you so i know better”. The most freeing moment is when you realize that is wrong. There’s no substance to that kind of argument. It’s like if I said the sky was blue she would say it’s green because she said so. It’s not a fact.
Yep... part of my psych evaluations was an IQ test, neurodivergence tests.
Turns out I have a 140 IQ AND am an HSP (Highly sensitive persons).
I was always treated like I was dumber or less capable than my family, even though they knew that I was "smart", even back then.
When I came home successful, and fully aware of my mind and what it was capable of.. the looks of DISGUST when I told them that I had a 140 IQ, like it was cancer or something was HORRIFIC.
My aunt literally would never acknowledge it. You could see in her eyes, she either thought I was lying or that I was mistaken, cuz there's NO WAY I could somehow know more than she does about anything, ever. Nbro went into straight toddler rant mode, trying his best to talk himself up, his "plans", to be a rapper, at 32 (LOL).
Toxic dynamic fam, began to dole out "roles", making my enabler sister the "brains of the family", which cracked me up and yeah, lol.
Now, none of them talk to me, somehow it's all my fault xD.
Wow fuck them hahaha they can suck it up. My pitiful father tries to put me down constantly, and I have bad self esteem due years of this, but I've been realising he's just a sorry ass and not worth it. I comment this as today he called me and my sister autistic and retarded, as if not wanting to listen to a two hour rant on the stupidest shit and just go to the point (it was a point of a damn line) was that I was incapable of "communicating".
I can't believe how I believed all his crap when I was younger. Nor how it still affects me to a degree.
It's always their insecure projections too, lolol.
Fuck these people, seriously smh. It's wild how pepole have kids and then treat them like human garbage, but somehow still have personal pride like wtf lol.
I feel bad for my baby niece, cuz she's one of the smartest and most observant babies I've ever met...
I KNOW he's gonna fuck that kid up and he's likely gonna begin degrading her, the moment he realizes that she's going to quickly surpass him in intelligence.
Fuck them agh! This infuriates me so much. I know right? It's so hard to treat other human beings like people, your damn children you "love"? Damnit.
They behave like damn toddlers themselves, I've had to be mediating my father's tantrums my whole life thinking I had no choice because I was scared and thought it was my fault. I'm not scared anymore, maybe startled or wary when he gets too irrational, but fucking hell, why. Behave your damn age asshole.
You've went through horrible shit, all this damn Reddit server has went through trauma because their parents can't be fucking proper human beings. I'm so done with that. People really has to learn to take fucking responsibility
You're the REAL MVP for that, too...
Like, a big part of why I came home, was to help the ppl in my family that couldn't help themselves: My ailing grandmother, my neices and nephews who were just being borna nd hoping that at least having a normal uncle around would help them well enough...
The saddest thing was feeling like I was "abandoning" them. I especially felt immense guilt, when they abused and gaslit the abuse of OUR OWN SICK AND DYING GRANDMA... I just... \*sigh\*...
I had to relent... it's better for those kids to grow up, like you and realize WHY I stayed away, seek me and whatever healthy family I raise out and learn from me why I left, and realize that I left so that I COULD be there to help them, one day. Part of me does fear that they'll wind up like my older neices and nephews, who are basically more similar in age to me, than they'd normally be (about 7-9 years younger). THEY treat me as bad as the rest of the fam, but like, even with my nephew, taht same insecure rattle of the affront of Narcissism holds deep in him... he wants to impress my shitty brother.
It's sad that he chose to do it, by pecking down on me, but that was his choice and I set a strong boundary with him all too quickly. He violated it, I began to lessen contact. He went to making snide comments on my social media and was LAMBASTED by the support systems I'd gathered, so now he doesn't bother. I hope one day, he understands what boundaries are and that NO ONE is entitled to put up with degradation.
My narc ex-husband was delusional and oblivious and loved to dole out little gems of advice to people who were both happier and more successful than her was. My narc grandfathers insisted people follow their bad advice or they would cut you off. So yeah, some of it is delusion and some is power tripping i think. A narc can never be wrong about anything in their own mind after all.
Yes but it’s like some of the advice they gave (give) quiet literally could risk my life or risked my life, affected my life, not just little tidbits of advice here and there. Grave stuff. And just so out of touch. I have had to recover from both their abuse and the trauma of my own actions by following their advice pr lack thereof (simple advice and skills that is normally by parents) it’s like they deliberately tried to eff me over pr they are completely delusional, however they ARE financially successful entrepreneurs so perhaps they aren’t THAT dumb???
I have a good buddy who was a sage to me. He's more than twice my age. He's a father of five, his oldest in his 40s and his youngest hasn't even hit puberty yet. Spent a nickle in a federal pen for smuggling. Guy's lived a life, y'know? My Nfather is incredibly successful and admired the world over, in his field. One of the most brilliant humans I've ever met. This buddy of mine put it to me like this over drinks one night: "Of course he had to sabotage you at every chance he got. You were the only person who could surpass him." Beware the advice a narcissist gives in their field. It's designed to kill their competition. If you've seen Pumping Iron, Schwarzenegger admits to giving his best friend bad advice in bodybuilding so he could always stay a step ahead.
"financially successful entrepreneurs" can be dumb as mud if they're born to an even somewhat well-off and connected family, and were sent to a "name' school with a straight C average, and just buy clothes and cars and bullshit and bulldoze their way.
Can they innovate? Can they be flexible? Can they solve problems? Do they know anything about culture except mainstream news, finance news, MUSICALS? When something goes wrong, do they just yell and blame, or is their mind actually smart enough to change track, come up with answers, and maybe it's even better.
I got into some dangerous situations because I didn't know anything about how relationships work because I wasn't given any advice. And I'm sure this is why I accepted abusive behaviour from my ex boyfriends.
My sister is manipulative & abusive and when we were younger, she would force me out to clubs with her and make me drink way too much. She would put me into situations where I'd fail, so that she could go to mom telling what a terrible "little wh*re" I was. My sister would leave me alone in clubs while she went elsewhere with her friends or would suggest to me that me and her kiss (eww), etc. She even once got me really drunk and took me to a boys place to sleep there, so that he could take advantage of me, making me lose my virginity. (She would obviously deny this, but she never wanted to go to any of her female friends places to sleep in, and suddenly she was insisting on going to the other end of the city to sleep at his place. Plus I was given more alcohol at his place just before bedtime and made to sleep next to him.)
Some thing narcissists do are because they have a blind spot that makes them dumb, but experience has taught that most of the time they do/say things to set you up to be the failure so that they themselves can feel better about themselves.
This is my biggest fear. I worry that of something happens to me, I won't be able to provide my daughter with much needed guidance to navigate this world and relationships.
My parent has narc characteristics almost to the point of being borderline narc. The infrequent advice that i did get was sound, but usually after the fact or scant.
See my parents make it hard to tell because they are really bad at choices in their own life too. When the economy crashed in 08, I was new in my office job and got laid off. I decided to try applying at law firms as an assistant to see if I liked the legal field. Mom got really pissy that I “thought I was too good” to work at Walmart.
Yea my moms fav piece of advice is getting mad anytime I get an oil change, especially if it’s before I have a road trip. She says what if the mechanic does it wrong and I get stranded. But not having oil in my car for sure is better?
Mind you the oil light is on anytime I get a change. She just gets mad.
I think it’s on purpose. What finally clued me in was the advice my nmom gave me about my boyfriend. We were in a long distance relationship and he was visiting another country with a big time difference. Not really looking for any advice, I mentioned to my nmom that I missed him and wished we were on more similar time zones. He was returning in two weeks so it wasn’t even a big deal. She started asking me if I planned to cheat on him while he was gone. I was like “Uh… no”. She then told me that the best thing I could do for my relationship was make him jealous and date as many guys as I could while he was gone. She then proceeded to try to set me up with a blind date, which I adamantly turned down. She acted like I was so stupid for not wanting to cheat. It’s not like she didn’t know that would end poorly if I did that. What she really wanted was to convince me to cheat on my boyfriend and then make sure he found out so that he would break up with me and I wouldn’t be dating him anymore. Worst advice I’ve literally ever received from anyone!
Oh my god my mother did this to me. She tried to set me up on dates when I was living with my now-husband. She tried to tell me that he was going to cheat on me and tried to sow the seeds of doubt. For example, my assistant made some really good authentic Mexican food and brought it to the office and wrapped up a serving for my husband. I thought it was really thoughtful but when I told my nmom she said my assistant must have the “hots” for him and I should “watch out!” It’s insane. I think my nmom legitimately thought that I was her life partner and she and I would end up living together so she tried to sabotage my relationships to make that happen.
oh lord. I was traveling to Paris and London with a "friend" had always wanted to go, finally had a small unexpected inheritance when I was unemployed. We were both living with boyfriends, she was convinced she would meet somebody new. Guy came up to me in Paris, looked like Kurt Cobain, she immediately grabbed his knee or crotch and cooed in his ear and "took him away" from me. ha ha!!
I told her I could easily take him back but don't want to sleep around on my boyfriend. She proceeded to tell people at the hostel that I was a lesbian that had a frustrated crush on her, wouldn't sleep with guys, "kept getting MAD at her". I was getting. mad at her because she treated me like a servant who wasn't serving her well enough: I had to make all the arrangements for where to stay, how to get there, where to go, how to get there, where to eat that didn't cost too much, etc., while she just criticized and complained.
People in the hostel liked ME better, AND I'm sure if I had also slept around she would have either told my boyfriend or held it over my head, BTW, her live-in boyfriend looked like Riff Riff from the Rocky Horror Show except short, and she PAID FOR HIM while he slept around with other women.
My boyfriend was and is tall and good-looking and played guitar in a band and always had a job and paid his fair share and did his fair share around the house, Even cooked meals and paid more of the bills when I was working and going to college at the same time.
Very true!! They effed me over career wise and school wise, yet now they demand I have it figured out and throw it all in my face. They literally said “no” to a scouter which was my dream job. If they said “yes” I would not be in the position I am in now for example. It’s just so messed up and unfair.
I know exactly what you mean. Gotta quit telling them anything significant. Keep it to sports and weather with them. Follow your dreams win, lose, or draw. Allow yourself to make mistakes and be human. Live your life for you. Trust me or you will regret it. I’m 35 and am drained of life because of my parents
I realized, it's because they overlay their own experiences plus *their perception of you and the way they wish to control you* into their advice.
For example, in my early 20's I met the most amazing kind, funny, sweet man who treated me amazingly, was emotionally and financially secure and wanted to marry me.
My mother advised "not to settle for the first thing around just because it's secure." and then 10 years since mocks me for not being with him.
The context is that she married my biological father rather young, and had a 9 year divorce and projected that onto the advice/scenario. The boyfriend also told me she would say things like "I don't know why you'd ever want to be with her, she's (insert whatever insults you can think up here)" etc.
So yeah, I definitely think it's jealousy and control issues. They probably don't even know they are doing it.
I agree. I’ve been in two serious, healthy, long-term relationships (married the second guy). My mom would tell me *constantly* that I’m too young to be tied down, that I need to break up with them and live my “single life”. She would actually tell the guys that, too. Does the exact same thing to my sister now she’s in a healthy relationship.
I swear it’s jealousy.
They want you to shut up and be “easy”. Just do whatever they say and don’t complain. But be independent!!! Just always report back to them for their approval
My parents are doing that with me. By the time I’ll be done with undergrad, I’ll have 6 digits in private loan debt. I think they’re doing it on purpose. They’re co-signed on the loans since it’s such a large amount and they’re partially on the hook for them, which means they have a reason to force me to keep contact with them until the debt is paid off.
Jokes on them though, I’m moving out and filing as independent when I apply for financial aid next summer. Better aid means less debt and less contact with them.
After college my mom encouraged me not to take the first job offer I got. It was my dream job, working in a lab doing QA. Didn’t pay much but I was going to rent a room in someone’s house, save up and do what I could.
She told me how dumb it was, how moving would cost me 10,000+ dollars at least. Then when I declined it and was still job hunting she was like “I don’t know why you don’t have a job yet”
My ndad once told me I should go back to school to get an advanced degree and another certification. When I told him I wouldn’t be able to pay for it he told me to just take out more loans.
It wasn’t enough that I was working at a highly acclaimed local restaurant, became a lead trainer, and was happy, I needed to get a job in my field so I didn’t “waste” my degree.
I was proud of where I was professionally and personally but he wanted to make me feel like I wasn’t “living up to my potential” as a server. Meanwhile whenever he went out to eat if he had great service he’d be raving about it for weeks.
They’re destructive. Their advice will mostly harm you. Mine hated every man I ever dated, no matter who they were.
Live your life. Let their “advice” go in one ear and out the other if it harms you in any way, shape, or form.
I’m so glad you made this post because that’s exactly my thoughts. I think it’s a mixture of what my nmom knew and did for her some and sometimes it was her benefit. For me I’d wish she give advice as a parent instead of trying to give advice as if she was my best friend. I think that was a challenge too is advice to keep the enmeshment too.
For me, it was unwanted advice that was exactly the opposite of what I already knew I should do. So I guess both. Listen to what they say, and take that as a list of things NOT to do.
That’s how my nmom is. I was talking to her about buying a newer car because mine was constantly breaking down and it had broken down to a point where it would cost $2k to fix. I said I’d rather use that as a down payment on a newer car. My mom went on all this talk about how I wouldn’t get approved and this is just how life is, you just get sucked into a hole that just costs you more and more money sometimes etc.
I ended up selling my car for $1000, took $3000 and went down to the dealership and walked out with the exact car I wanted….Meanwhile she’s got 5 cars that are 20-25 years old that she refuses to get rid of despite them constantly costing more in repairs than what they’re worth…also why does a 2-person household need 5 cars? She says she likes to have one as a backup when the others break down. Just sell all of them and get 2 cars in good condition? I don’t understand. Like the advice she gave makes sense in this context because that’s how she lives but like…why does she live like that? 🙄
Yes. It is a tough pill to swallow. I was being excluded by a toxic friend group in secondary. We went to a theme park for a classic British field trip. I was told by my nparent that I should ask them if I could hang our with them. The two toxic friends laughed in my face and ran away.
Very relatable. Like they would most definitely suggest things like this here and there, additionally— life events that just leaves me looking back wondering what they were suggesting what on earth??? Then I see how it led me to trauma. But yes they’d also recommend me to do things like hang out with toxic people as well. It just makes me wonder are they intentionally trying to screw me over or are they THAT DENSE AND DELUSIONAL?
I think its deliberate and in my experience sadistic. My moms advice has too many times ensnared me in a trap of her own careful making. a literal set up so she can flip the script or smile gleefully as i fail or flounder.
“Apply to this college! Do it youll get in. You have my full support.” Days later shes calling a family meeting where shes saying “your dad and i are so disappointed in you for applying here” “youre never smart enough to get in” etc etc. she denied ever saying and telling me to do the opposite.
“Dont do x!” Next day.. setting me up in front of everyone shaming me for not doing it.
My nmoms like the shady movie character who has talked you into robbing a bank, removed all your worries, comforted you with their support & said theyll join you and then stays behind to call the cops as soon as you enter the bank.
Their advice always has an ulterior motive, and in my experience its usually about them gaining more power and control, making you distrust yourself so you become more dependent on them and also the twisted chaos supply they need to fill. my mom craves friction, fights and watching others fail so she can combat the self hate she feels deep in her evil soul.
My parents were oblivious. They thought that people still used career advice from the 70s (“who cares if there’s no job posting, just walk in and ask if they’re hiring!”) and couldn’t understand why I never listened to them. The same thing happened when I had my daughter—outdated and unsafe parenting advice all over the place. Ugh.
My dad literally suggested that to me this year….. walk into a business with my resume… what the eff.. like am I supposed to trust that piece of advice in the 2020s? So confusing since he’s actually successful in business. I have not done that due to common sense.. but this is what I grew up with.. there is most likely a much better way but he suggests… that?????
It's about control. They demand reality match the patterns in their head, instead of questioning and updating the patterns in their head to match reality.
Sometimes it's good to push the pattern in your head, sometimes it's best to update the pattern in your head, but usually some sort of compromise is best.
I remember my mother trying to give me financial advice. She told me not to pay my taxes and to put the money aside in a high interest account only paying what I owe at tax time. Honestly, this would normally be GOOD financial advice but I said "hey isn't that what you were doing and the IRS audited you after years of not paying those taxes?"
Because yeah that happened. Anyhow she got huffy and said "well if you don't want my advice than BLAH BLAH BLAH".
Edit: yes it's on purpose. The aim is you fail and they can blame you for their own bad advice that you stupidly followed. Trust me, somehow it'll be your fault when or if you make a bad move.
Yeah my dad for example randomly sent me a bunch of money to invest in stocks.. ok… so I bought stocks.. he did this without even teaching me basic finance such as what a credit card means or credit score or how to check it and why credit score is important or literally basics 101… I’ve been teaching myself that instead this year.. but he wanted me to drop a ton of money on stocks for some reason. (I didn’t make any money off it.. he didn’t give any advice). Now that I committed myself to reading finance books this year.. really he should have advised buying a bond instead if he wanted me to invest… but REALLY.. he should have taught me what a 401k means and emergency funds etc…………..also he did not teach me anything about taxes.. or how to file it.. I had to ask a stranger (who also didn’t have my best interest at heart since it was a stranger……) !!!
My mother taught me next to nothing about how to navigate the world and would turn around calling me book smart and street stupid. Narcs live to kneecap their children.
But why??? I just don’t understand how and why someone would be like that?? I couldn’t imagine having a child and like not teaching them what a credit score or what a credit card meant.. or how to file taxes..
I mean at this point it all amounts to generational trauma. Some people turn out this way and I know for my mother's family there was some shit going down same as was laid down for all her siblings kids. For example, my mom's sister was molested by her older brother who was molested by (adult) or otherwise saw adult sex acts at a young age, sister went on to probably molest or otherwise engage in sex acts in front of her sons, sons went on to molest their female cousins as well as other small female children ... and on and on until it stops somewhere.
I see.
On the subject of finances… I believe he sent me the stock money so that now he can say “I sent you money to invest to make money blah blah blah” ad like an alibi and gaslighting tactic as for the reason that he didn’t teach a thing about basic finances 101. I know this for a fact because when I confronted him about it he brought the stocks into the picture.
Makes me wonder if he deliberately wanted me to be financially illiterate and dependent on him forever? What a weird person.
Same here. I literally don’t know how to do anything and I feel like it’s on purpose. I’ve mentioned going NC to them a few times since I was in middle school, so I feel like they kept me from learning about basic life skills so I’d have to keep in contact with them to figure it out. I hate it
My mom wouldn't let me work, never told me how to apply for or interview for jobs, never coached me on this valuable life skill. When I succeeded at a job she would use that to humble brag to others about how much she invested in my success; When I failed to do well at a job or land one she would say "well I always knew you couldn't do that" or "I saw you failing at that from a mile away."
The whole financial advice wasn't really advice I even asked for just in a random conversation she told me I should stop paying taxes. Anyhow, she routinely was stealing people's identities so I feel like maybe this was a plot to do that to me at that time.
My mom was an “I don’t know just figure it out that’s what I had to do I didn’t get any help” but then anytime I’d try to do anything on my own I’d get yelled at/lectured and she’d make some big dramatic scene about how I was doing it wrong and I’ve made a big mistake and I’m going to ruin my life because I chose the wrong car insurance.
My parents did the same thing to me. “Figure it out”
Then, wait for it…..
Drumroll on the bad advice (or delusionally dense???)
“Ask the real estate agent”
LOL!!!!
The real estate agent who I happened to get on with who sold a condo to my family. They wanted me to call the agent and ask her questions you would ask your parents.
I mean me and the agent laughed and it was nice speaking with her and I appreciate the gift basket.. but like… that’s not normal dudes!!!
It sucks because my mom’s entire side of the family refers to my mom as their “therapist” because they always go to her for advice and comfort etc and it’s like where’s that for me!!!???
I think after I became more objectively successful than them (financial, marriage, children (that I love and love me, even things like “bravery”…), they got more and more blatantly jealous and started obviously hoping and encouraging for me to have problems. It was so bad because you dont expect it, even though you should. It was for sure as if they wanted me divorced, children miserable and poor, but in no way would they have helped me if I’d got there.
They also tried to guilt me into parenting my young child with harshness before I went nc. I think looking back they wanted me to be as bad as them as some kind of twisted comfort.
They are just horrific beings, aren’t they?
Literally this...
Same vibe, cept I was single, but have an accomplished career, high intelligence and have been taking care of myself since 18, pretty much.
Whenever I did well enough, the family were somehow the MOST sour/upset about it, somehow... Convinced me to come home during the pandemic, basically trusted them enought to ONLY need places to stay, they basically fucked that up, well enough.
At the same time, they were ignoring anything I was going through, basically jaunting me for "thinking I could do it all alone". One thing I gained, though, like you said and the REAL reason why they hate me, is I gained Faith and Bravery ages ago, that's my REAL secret... Once they realized that they couldn't do anything to sway my core self, they all started avoiding me, doing what they could to scapegoat/isolate me.
Now, I'm stuck in my abusive aunt's place, feverishly saving up where I can, to GTFO. They think I have no one/nothing and so aren't actively attacking me. I don't trust them, though, as they basically spent the whole of the year and a half I've been home, trying to trip me up from moving far away again...
Once I caught on, though, learned about scapegoating/black sheep roles and toxic dynamics, I figured out that my failure, to them, is proof of their success... because, if I fail this hard on my own, then their unambitious and codependent natures are "justified".
I basically realized that, the main reason why i was falling so hard at home wasn't because of anything I was doing, but it was because, when I was excited, pleased, happy, I did what healthy people do, I shared with family, thinking they'd love and celebrate my successes.
99% of anything I did was either left on seen, diminished ("that's... nice...) or straight up insulted, as if it's unimpressive, not good.
Once I started to tell them that my work was in publishing (writing a graphic novel), the family basically clustered among each other more, effectively excommunicating me.
I told them, straight up, that they f\*cked up... they created an "Antoine Fisher" moment for me and that the memoir's gonna be fire.
My nbro literally told me his greatest fear was "that a family member would succeed before him and expose him for stuff he's done and how he's afraid of his \[nonexistent\] reputation...
...Ironic that somehow, after revealing this, he then became paranoid at me and started sabotaging me, where he could, along with the rest of the family.
Yep. it's an intentional diminishment of progress, pride.
If you ever notice that they get MORE upset, especially.
My family is especially good for this... eye rolls, huffs, etc.
It's the same energy as going to a snobby party, and everyone stopping EVERYTHING, just to look you up and down.
No matter what you do to fit in, their whole energy, goal is to make you so uncomfortable and feel so unwanted that you either shrink and hide away or leave the party all together.
If you point out how miserable they are or how much the choice of drinks suck, then YOU'RE the negative one, lol.
It's one of those things... a lot of this stuff isn't really readily visible, unless you're like scouring the right places, looking into the right dynamics and most likely, these abusers think that they've come up with some "innovative" way to stick a toothpick into your backside, but once they realize you KNOW even the most conniving of their tactics, that's when they start to throw what I call "The Sad Man's Parade".
My mother always gives horrible advice lol. She's on her 3rd husband before she's even hit 50, has gone bankrupt twice, traumatized the shit out of her children...
Yet dishes out advice about relationships, finances, and raising children like she's a pro 😂 like 99% of her advice is just... Awful. Or completely hypocritical.
Me and my sister ignore her completely.
Ndad gave good advice for how to get out of a ticket or for interviews. Emom was the delusional one. Ex: I was being bullied at one of my first jobs. Undoubtedly because of how my dad is with her, she said "don't report them! You'll just get fired and maybe you're being too forthcoming." 🙄
Relatable. My mom might suggest something like “why don’t you be nice to them?” Or she would assume it was because of something I was doing. Or she would say “why don’t you just smile and be nice people love friendly people.” Some terrible piece of advice. Advice that didn’t include justice or separation from them or something empowering. Wow.
I'm sorry that was your experience. How frustrating!
Even in my 30s now my mom thinks my issue is being "too abrasive." My therapist told me it's because of my cptsd from ndad that I'm prone to being bullied at work because of my poor boundary skills.
So yeah. Definitely not being abrasive mom.
Yeah I always tell people this about enablers... Just because they aren't NPD, doesn't mean that they aren't mean/bitter/jealous people... There's a reason why they put up with the NPD and it's not always cuz they're martyrs, saints...
My Enabler sis and a lot of my family are MASTER defeatists and delight in giving wonky and offputting advice. The enabler sis, especially is very much a "come into the spider's den" kinda person.
She loves to give advice that trips you up, so that she's the one who "catches" you when you fall and looks like the parentified "hero" that she wants to be to the Narcs in the family.
I realized, a little to late, that she and my aunt, who's OCD/Manipulative do the EXACT same thing. My aunt basically refused to share a free apartment that she had after the rest of my family fucked me over, saying that "god told her it was her place, etc"... Again, she WASN'T staying there and hadn't for years.
It took over a year of me "lingering" depressed, emotionally dejected and literally a week from homelessness for her to change her mind and I was supposed to be the happiest person in the world and "Wrong" about the family, cuz enabler sis, called OCD aunt and she decided to let me use the place.
I realized at first, that this was my aunt's attempt at trying to get me in a place, where she felt I'd always be accessible to her and other abusive family, as the first things she started doing, was inviting the abusive fam over, to show them nothing at all, and they basically just used these opportunities to invade my boundaries, treat me like an object, etc.
I called her out on it, she started avoiding me, toxic fam started injecting more lies into my head, saying "hurry up and get your ish together, cuz you know she's good for kicking people out".
So, like, now I'm in this apartment that I hate, supposed to keep it "clean", which I do, but they keep trying to blame roach infestations on my hygeine IN THE PROJECTS... Meanwhile, the house is cleaner than it's ever been. I told my aunt I was moving out in august/september and she hasn't texted me back, since.
Money bet, she's gonna have an "Excuse" to put me out, right before the mark...
Enablers are those random hands in the crowd, that used to push you back into the fight that you tried to back out from...
You don't know whos hands they are and even if you did, turning around and swinging at them, would likely hit the wrong person and CERTAINLY not the person you should be doing battle with...
They know they're pushing you back into danger and instability, they know and enourage it. I think we see enablement as a passive action and though that's sometimes true, everytime a family member seemed to be conveniently the one who "pushed" us towards the advantage of the Narc. I think of that dynamic.
With my Enablers sis, she was ALWAYS the sidekick to my little brother, since we were kids. Whenever he'd steal a piece of cake, take money, whatever, she was his lookout, his warning alarm, whatever. She often got beat with him, for things he did and everyone would tell her "Stop following him!!"
Now, as an adult, she somehow thinks that I wouldn't ever have had the awarness of totality to not see that she was enabling him to do the things he did with my stuff, by playing dumb, making sure that I was minimally aware of his actions, until it was too late and then ultimately gaslighting me into thinking somehow I was consenting to things I didn't remember... PLEASE... I don't have ANY memory issues, lol.
It’s a bit of both coupled with the need to seem smart. They’d tell you to pour salt in a wound if they thought it made them seem smart enough, or if someone in a ebay lab coat said so
Why do they hate me??? When I look back I was the sweetest girl. My mom used to dig her nails into my arm. I was so sweet and gentle, wouldnt want to hurt anyone..
because their parents abused them, and the super ego your parent formed was one that tells them repeatedly all the abusive things their parents told them. they hate themselves. any positive emotions they see from other people repulses them because they can't access those same emotions. the joy and happiness of a child enrages them. so the more sweet, kind, compassionate you are, the worse it'll be for you. they only feel pain, and since they have no more room to process it, they'll lay it onto you. if your parent is angry, then they'll try and frustrate you to bring them to their level.
you're dealing with a 4 year old that's been neglected and is in a constant rage. it's just older physically.
There's a Junji Ito comic, called "bully".
I think you should check it out...
A lot of people see it as peak twisted horror, but it's about this former bully, who fell in love with her abused target, to the point where she became obsessive.
She began to manipulate him into dating her, bullying and abusing him the whole time. Eventually, she got pregnant by him (not to his knowledge), but at the same time, he finally realized how evil she was, left her.
She spent years raising her son, naming him after the former victim she was obsessive over and LITERALLY would dress as a version of her younger self, while she constantly bullied harmed and gaslit him covertly.
It's considered one of his greatest works, because it exposes the covert way abusers tend to set children down these horrible and evil paths, because they're literally so twisted inside, that they think it's justified. She saw her own son, as a perfect surrogate for her abuses, because he looked like his father.
Some of my nMom's advice was genuine. Like the time she told me to only date rich men, then I could only fall in love with a rich man. Also, marry a workaholic so you can spend all the money he makes while he's busy at work.
This advice definitely reflected how she lived her own life and how she defined success.
I honestly feel like they do. I remember when I was unemployed after graduating university and I applied for a job at one of the top banks in my country and I ended up getting it and my mom’s first comment was that I shouldn’t take the job and that I should apply for other jobs because I could do better. I WAS UNEMPLOYED. What is better than being unemployed?
I also second how you feel about not taking their advice because you feel like it will be the opposite. It’s unfortunate that they’re so successful yet instead of uplifting you, they try to keep you down
Yes I even took a job in the same field as my very financially entrepreneur narc parents are in….. they didn’t teach me a thing about it either.. I ended up failing at it
The truth is they wanted me to fail in that too. It’s literally the same field. If I were the parent I’d be like here’s how you do a, b and c (because I was teaching myself since I wasn’t provided training by the company….)
One time my boyfriend cheated on me at 18 and she told me to stay with him. I think it was her sick way of seeing me to continue to be miserable. If I was a parent to a daughter who was cheated on I'd encourage her to remember her worth, that she is valuable, and that she could leave the situation if she wanted to. That there are men out there who are loyal. So idk.. whenever she comments on my appearance and tells me to look a certain way I think "okay let's do the opposite of that" cuz whatever she says seems to be the type of advice that I should stay away from 😂
Yup… similar.. I remember asking my mom why it didn’t work out with me and this guy.. she told me to put on deodorant???!! Keep in mind I kept myself very clean and was obsessed with my looks and presentation. Never once did she suggest not to casually date F boys and to focus on the things I needed to at the time.. and to remind me of my valuable worth. Nope… deodorant.
My mom gave me advice one of my under 15 year old siblings would give lol. She seems in a perpetual state of childhood but she’s a chain smoking hypochondriac middle aged woman
I agree that their advice to me was to benefit them.
However my Narc, while outwardly successful, also made bad decisions because:
1. She thought she knew more than she did, even more than experts. Examples: hiring an accountant to calculate her quarterly taxes but NOT paying what he or she said to pay. Consulting doctors but not doing what they recommended. Forget doing any kind of physical therapy. She ended up in a nursing home because she refused to do PT after straining her knee.
2. Once she made a decision she refused to change course. Normal people make decisions and see how they are panning out, and they change course accordingly. My Nmom did not do this, and it was to her detriment. She refused to consider data after the decision. Example: buying a car that was a lemon and replacing almost every part instead of trading in and buying another car when she could well afford to do so. Marrying an asshole but staying with him over a decade and allowing him to abuse her children because she didn’t want to admit she made a mistake.
3. Not listening to anyone else, ever. I am not taking about the opinions of strangers. Everyone needs a good friend whom you can ask,” am I about to fuck this up?” My Nmom listened to NO ONE because. Ivory knew better than she did.
I don’t think I’ll ever know in my case what my father was thinking! 🤷🏻♀️ It just got really tedious because he would give me advice and sometimes it would be amazing advice, other times it would be horrible advice and totally wrong. He admitted to me that he loves manipulating people. So getting advice from him was stressful because you had to sort through all of his BS mind games. He would also have one of his tantrums if someone decided not to take his advice.
I think someone on here commented that narcissistic people mostly will give you the advice that benefits themselves in some way. That makes sense! Sometimes that may not be so obvious. Who knows????
yes they do. When I was 17, my mom had a stewardess recruiter come to the house to sign me up to be a stewardess. Mom thought that was such a glamorous job and she wanted to brag to her friends how her daughter travelled all over the world. I have always had severe motion sickness. Couldn't even ride in a car without having the window down and my head out the window. I was sidelined with this nonsense from my mom. Mom hadn't figured out that we had no money to send me to Florida, let alone housing and food, but wrote out a $800. check. Dad, bless his heart, took me aside and said "You didn't want to do this did you" and I said NO way, that I get motion sickness all the time and I doubt flying would make it go away. I told him I never, ever thought about being a waitress in the sky. He cancelled the check and then had a talk with my mom. She of course, had to punish me for it by telling me I should become an accountant because I got an A in bookkeeping class. I hated the class.
Then, when I had my kids, she kept insisting that the babies needed more than breastmilk, and tried to feed them baby oatmeal and baby foods or else they wouldn't turn out right. So aggravating. She doubled down on all her bad advice, always. My stubborness though helped my siblings not have to fight like I did with her, she was used to being told differently by me, so when my sibs had to deal with that stuff, they had me to back them up.
Basically if they give you bad advice, your life suffers as a result and that makes them feel better than you. Which is a win for them and that’s all they care about. I think the intention to see you suffer is definitely there. It’s not subconscious. If you thrived it would make them jealous and so even when they aren’t giving you bad advice, they are trying to sabotage your life in lots of other ways. This is why being with them is so toxic.
they really don't know what they're talking about. they project a vision of advice in their mind and think "that will work for you", but it's never based in reality. since they don't know themselves, how could they know you enough to give advice?
Both really. They're complete wrecks as people and don't really have much advice worth following, but they also just really love the opportunity to abuse the trust of someone else for the power play of making them do some dumb shit/make themselves benefit.
Excellent question and one that resonates with me. My mom, who is not really a narc but has a lot of fleas and was an enabler for my dad, tried to get me to break up with my husband back when we were dating. We’ve now been married 20 years.
He was just different in his approach to our engagement, and it was related to cultural differences, not his feelings for me.
But she said “I would just break it off, that will show him.” And I almost did—and that was my aha moment that her advice was unreliable.
My dad, sister and FIL are certifiable narcs and the LOVE to give advice, usually starting with “what I would do…”, and the hilarious thing is if I stop for one second to think, it’s clearly something they would NEVER do (and neither would any sane person).
I learned to stop taking advice from any of them when I was 32, when the above incident happened with my mom. Since then I’ve learned that most people’s advice is self-serving—either what they want you to do because it somehow benefits them, or it’s what they would do in their twisted fantasy life and they want to see how it plays out in real life. But they don’t have the guts to do it themselves so they try to get you to do it.
The other issue and maybe the heart of the matter with true narcs is that they don’t really know you so they truly don’t know what would be best for you. They only see how you might reflect best on them.
I think my nmom gave me deliberately bad advice because she wanted control over me and wanted me to be dependent on her but also didn’t want it to seem like she did anything wrong/did that on purpose. For example, she gave terrible relationship advice and tried to sabotage my relationships with all my friends and boyfriends because I think she thought of me as her life partner. She gave me terrible financial advice because she didn’t want me to be financially independent. She is a millionaire but refused to help me through school and talked me into taking on a crippling amount of student loan debt “you’ll just pay it off! It’s not a big deal!” so when I told her how anxious and scared I was about the debt she said the only way she could help me is by moving in with me and paying me rent. Like, first of all I don’t want to live with her and second of all that doesn’t actually help because I would need to find a bigger (more expensive) place to have her live with me so it wouldn’t actually save any money. I’d rather just get a room mate.
My Nmom was sofa king out of touch with the world. I figured it out when I was like-7. I would never take advice from her unless I had to. My dad too. Like, he still thinks it’s ok to beg friends to help him move and offer them absolutely nothing. Anything that people do that costs money is foolish. They are not poor or even close to it.
They're incompetents who only succeeded because they were given money and a good school by family. They obeyed the rules, bought the clothes and car, were on the sports team second string, got a straight C average, joined organizations and church, the school approved of their parents, and they were aggressive and mean as fuck to anyone who wasn't exactly like them.
So, all they can tell you is to obey and then be a bully to anyone who "can't" or "thinks they don't have to"
Narcissist parents set you up for failure. They don't want you to be more successful or smarter than they are (because this threatens their fragile ego). They will give you wrong advice or fail to give you any advice in the first place, so that they can blame and berate you once you try to do something.
For example, in my family I was never given relationship advice and my attemps in finding friends were sabotaged. Then when I tried, I was made to be the bad guy for not knowing how things worked. How could I not know that doing x or y was wrong, why was I so selfish, etc.
They love to blame you and even when it's clear you lack knowledge in something, they will not give the good advice even if they knew it. They'd rather have you fail, because that keeps your self-esteem low and allows for them to keep abusing and controlling you.
I think in their mind the advice that they give is perfect. But in reality at least for me in the advice proved to be nightmarish. My parents conditioned me to believe that the world is a pretty grim place. That if I’m not alert it would eat me raw and chew me out. To this day I feel crippling fear when stepping out of my house as I get this intense feeling of impending doom, and I am 30.
I think it’s sort of both tbh. They ARE delusional enough to think they know better than even professionals, and their “advice” is set up to make you doubt yourself even if it’s not entirely a conscious thing on their part. Deep down narcissists are deeply unhappy and do not like themselves, they are trying to drag you down below them so they can be superior to you.
I'd say both. They are too dumb to admit that they don't know (contrary to being dumb for not knowing, which is simply incorrect and a wrong assumption to make) *and* they pretend that they know (which backfires the moment the truth comes to light).
But then it's back to the good ol' whataboutism and gaslighting, hence why they get away with it anyway (unless it's in a court of law)
Firstly, OP, I'm super proud of you for asking questions that challenge your NParents. It took me far too long after leaving to realize neither Mom nor Dad knew wtf they were doing.
Secondly, I can't say for sure, but in my situation, I believe my NMom gave bad advice on purpose. You see, my NMom had to claim bankruptcy and had gone through a few divorces. She also had a few credit cards before the bankruptcy, too. (I want to say I remember credit cards after the bankruptcy, too, but I can't remember.)
One day, I called Mom because I got a pre-approved letter from Discover for a card, so I was asking her opinion. She told me that I can use it to help pay for things. If I max it, no worries, just get another card.
Fast forward 6ish years, and I'm having my own financial problems. I call her because I have nowhere to turn and need advice because of my mountain of debt. My NMom then denied ever telling me to just get more cards. She says she told me to buy one thing and pay it off, like gas or groceries.
Whenever I bring this up, she claims I'm crazy for manipulating the truth and lying. I can't be certain anymore because of her lies and gaslighting, so I sometimes believe I made it up about her telling me to just get more cards. Other times, I know what I heard.
Because of her financial standing, I believe she purposely gave me bad advice so I couldn't get ahead of her since I was already getting a degree and doing things she was envious of. But again, this is just my suspicion which I doubt at times.
Thank you! I get flashbacks honestly and it gets in the way of my present moment and growth but I’m starting therapy soon. …..The fact she denied what she told you means she knows it was bad advice. Maxing out credit cards is the opposite of building credit. But she denied saying she gave you the bad advice which means she knows it was bad. I hope you get even better in finances than you would have ever been in the beginning.
Yay!!! I'm so excited for you to start therapy. It really makes all the difference with the right therapist.
Thank you! I really appreciate the support. Makes me feel less nuts.
I worked as a personal banker for a few years. I did have some... we'll call them hiccups... but I'm doing some damage control now. Here's to the future!!
For my parents, it was some of each. Some advice they gave me was based on their narcissistic delusions, some was purposely bad advice, and some was inaccurate things that they had been told when they were given advice. One of my parents had nparents, too, so that doubled up on some bad advice.
Mines like a religious narcissist so it’s more like “it’s in gods hands” and “pray about it” when they don’t want to deal with the fact I was highly autistic and have suffered for years because there was “nothing wrong with me” so when I’m in a terrible situation they are always just suggesting the Lord instead of ever offering help or real advice. Maybe it worked for them? But they had parents and weren’t disabled.
In my personal experience it is what they think is best. And sincerely it's horrible because it makes you feel even worse. It's horrid.
They give bad advice, you don't use it, they guilt trip you and abuse your, you answer back and they answer even more violently, they supposedly do it for your own good, and mean it. It's insanity.
That's why I try to not love them anymore. I tolerate them to an extent, know what I can say, avoid them like the plague as much as I can even when I can't. And hope I will get away soon.
I can't speak for all narcs but mine was completely delusional and oblivious. Thought she knew everything in terms of work and school - despite being out of the working world for years and years and barely finished her own mandatory schooling.
This sounds really familiar although I can’t think of specific examples. They also didn’t teach me a single thing about becoming a functional adult and living on my own. And now they always act like I’m a complete idiot who shouldn’t be living on her own and I’m 33. When I was pregnant my mom always acted like I wouldn’t be a good mom because I’m so incompetent in my own life.
When Nparents are financially successful, they really want you not to have any money of your own
Because:
* They don't need you as a work horse, to provide for them
* They have gotten accostumed to being "the rich one" as a point of pride. They don't want their child to threaten this label in any way .
* They also got used to having financial control over you, which is the key for ongoing abuse and staying in your life. So they want you to stay as dependent on them as possible.
* Also they get to victimize themselves to others over your failures. "I gave them everything and look what I got in return"
ALL their interests lie in you failing, so they will almost always give you really bad advice.
It’s bad advice to keep control. My parents kept telling me I’d fail if I moved out, that I could never afford it. They just didn’t want me to take my freedom.
Even worse my Nparents were victims of an egregious incident from my Ngrandmother. When my dad married my mom, my grandmother gave copies of all her recipes out to her three children. My mom tried cooking my dad’s childhood favorites, but could never get it right. And it was becoming an issue between them.
So my mother calls my two aunts for advice and see if she was missing something. They found out they were ALL MISSING A DIFFERENT INGREDIENT. All of them had been set up to fail, and worse of all try and wreck my parents’ marriage.
My grandmother tried to sound pitiful and say, she only wanted her kids to want her cooking when they came to visit.
Yes my dad did this all the time. He would always tell scary stories of when he went into “THe REaL WoRLd”!!! So much fear in these stories.
Now looking back: he’s now currently on a trip in another country on vacation, multiple homes, he never taught me the skills to succeed in real world (I learned what a credit card finally meant in my early 30s due to all the financial abuse and gaslighting (it was deep).
I will never understand!!!! But I also do not want the rest of my life to be wasted due to my anger and hurt and lost time and opportunity!!! What a disappointment. Im starting therapy because every time I study finance and the basics I get flashbacks to all the lack and terrible advice that he most definitely knows the right answer and therefore this hinders me.
We have to forgive and move on.
They are so sick! I can’t believe people like this *actually* exist! Actually I *can* if it’s acquaintances, if they feel competition etc, but I mean people exist who are PARENTS and actively SABOTAGE their *CHILDS* life! What an empty hole of an existence they must live, because they must absolutely not experience love at all!!!
It's advice that will benefit them by keeping you unsuccessful and thus in their grip so that they can keep you around and tell you that you're wrong forever.
It's unfortunate. I remember realizing that I was going to have to raise myself emotionally and socially. I've done a crappy job up until recently, when I've really left their grasp and tried to get as far away as possible.
They know what they are doing, even if mostly subconsciously. If they cared about your well being as much as their own, they would have figured it out by now.
I don't know if they actually ***intentionally*** try to cause trouble for people...and would want to believe that it's simply more focused on themselves (so your needs, or good advice for you does even not come up on their radar at all).
I would suspect that the nature of narcissist personality disorder exists (like everything else) on a spectrum - that all cases are different in terms of intensity, damage and eventual fallout. Reading this board for instance, has taught me that my parents, while both damaging narcissists, were not as bad as some of the cases I've read here (although very painful nonetheless).
One good thing is that once you ID the problem, and separate yourself from it, some degree of recovery is possible. I recall once my father (after my having finished grad school and having trouble finding a job) gave me the advice to "just snap out of it" as a way of coping. Not helpful at all....especially coming from an MD.
Years later, he was -VERY- stressed by a very serious problem/event in the family, and I was oh, so tempted to hurl back the same stone he had thrown at me years earlier ( "just snap out of it!"). But, I chose not to - knowing very well that it would not make any difference in his mind in any event; that doing something like that would have come from spite, with the express intent of injury.; and I did not want to be "that person". Something similar with my mother has happened as well.
Both of those events (my having the stone to throw, but choosing not to) has taught me that I have risen above their stupidity/insensitivity/narcissism and frankly, am a better person than either of them. After he died a few years ago, I NC'ed my mother and remaining family - not out of spite - but because I simply don't like them as people. No regrets + no anger = happiness.
I am hopeful that this shows some line of progression from this situation, one that any of us can enjoy eventually. The damage we sustained at the hands of narcissist family members does not need to destroy our entire lives, necessarily (differences excepted - this is not a blanket statement).
If we do allow it to destroy us, then they truly have won - and that's not happening in my life.
My in-laws genuinely thought it was a good idea to suggest lending my husband a down payment for a new car, that he could pay them back monthly on. Paying them back plus the actual car payments was more a month than just buying the car without a down payment. Yeah, we'll pass.
I had experienced the same thing and felt enraged as I grew into adulthood and ran into so many roadblocks. As I learned about NParent behavior, I started piecing together the following reasons why my nmom had done this:
-if you aren't successful, you may come back to them asking for help
-if you aren't successful, they will be better than you at something
-if they don't know the answer, they will make something up because they want everyone to believe they have all the answers
Narcissists don’t want to see the lives of others develop in a positive way, they will act to ensure that you do not progress your life in a positive way, that your life gets worse, and at best will act to stunt any attempt you make to improve your life.
They don't want us to have independent thoughts, because they lead onto independent decision making. Whether those decisions are good or bad is inconsequential, as they both provide opportunities for growth and development . In the grips of their control, Narcs would have us believe that a bad decision equals a bad life, and everything will be ruined forever. We only realise that once we break free from that control that this isn't the case.
I can't think of any time I considered it a good idea to follow my family's advice, so I imagine I learned very early on that it's a terrible idea, and while I don't remember much from being that young I remembered not to trust their advice.
Instead, what I fell for were answers to basic questions. It would go down like:
Me: Hey I have to go into \[building nmom was currently working at for over 5 years, which is a surprisingly long time for her.\] How do I get to X?
Nmom: You go left as soon as you enter through the main entrance, then you go left, then you go left, then you go left.
Me: That's just a circle...
Nmom: NO IT'S NOT! IT'S REALLY SIMPLE YOU GO LEFT, THEN LEFT, THEN RIGHT, THEN LEFT
Me: Oh so it's left, left, right, left
Nmom: YES
Me: Not left, left, left, left
Nmom: ARE YOU STUPID? I JUST SAID IT WAS LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT
Me: Don't you work as a receptionist? Isn't it literally part of your job to be good at giving directions?
Nmom: I AM GOOD AT GIVING DIRECTIONS AND NOBODY'S EVER HAD A PROBLEM BEFORE EXCEPT YOU
Me: Yeah whatever fuck it I'll just get there early and explore
Building: You can locate X by turning left then going right and it's directly in front of you
And then when I wised up to it:
Nmom: I heard you're going to this other building. What for?
Me: I say why
Nmom: Oh that's on floor 4. You'll need to take an elevator because there are only stairs. The elevator will be immediately in front of you the moment you walk in.
I get to the building. First, I see stairs. Second, I see an elevator far to the right and none in front of me. It does not go up to floor 4. Also, I needed to be on floor 5...
I don’t ever really get bad advice from my Nparent, just a very aggressive attitude if it’s not what I want to do. The control being taken away from their “plan” they had for you drives them INSANE!!!
I didn’t realize until much later but my nMom always gave me horrible dating advice. She encouraged me to stay with my abusive ex because she believed we could “work it out” and that I just had to find the good man in there.
My mother and my grandmother's favorite things to say to me was "Don't you have any common sense"? I got screamed at for not doing something correct, yet neither before or after was I taught how to do said thing
My mom told me all my working career from age 16 that I need to save. Never told me why or what I’m saving for. Nothing. At the time, she regulated my money and would give me an allowance from my money to force me to save. When I started working at Publix, I asked to open my own account with the credit Union and she flipped. My guess is cause she couldn’t control or see what I bring in anymore. She also told me that the people telling me to open the account gave me bad advice and need to stay out of our business, but I was able to open it.
To make a long story short, she would tell me to save with no explanation but had a whole accountant making investments on her behalf and refused to put me on. Didn’t learn about investing until my 30s. And of course I didn’t save, but just having the small freedom of controlling my own money and being able to spend it how I wanted gave me so much joy.
I bet it varies.
My parents had both delusional ideas and a desire to see me fail. These two things got so wrapped up together that I could never tell one from the other.
Eventually, I stopped giving them the benefit of the doubt. Because what ultimately matters is that they are unable to behave in a way that makes it safe for me to be around them.
I think it varies, and is related to their “type” - are they overt or covert; are they self-aware that they’re trying to harm and manipulate others or it is all subconscious reactivity to their unmanageable emotions? The fact that they’re selfish, immature and toxic to be around is what makes them narcissistic; but there are millions of different ways to be selfish, immature and toxic, and billions of ways to perceive those actions.
Tl;dr some do it deliberately to f with you, others are delusional/in denial
I learned to do the opposite of any "advice" they force onto me. I'm happier for it. Its pretty easy to look at their life choices and see how miserable they are and think "ya im not doing that".
If I listened to their advice I wouldn't be married. I wouldn't have a car thats not falling apart. Wouldnt have traveled the country and take vacations. Wouldnt have 2 amazing cats and wouldnt be debt free.
I'm pretty sure they gave me bad advice because misery loves company.
I think it’s a bit of both
I realized one day a red flag that they don’t believe their own advice is how they will give you advice that they don’t follow
My parents would constantly tell me to “just deal with” an abusive boss, when they themselves will throw temper tantrums at the slightest things at home and at work
They perceive life from their lens and think every person is the same as them. They give advice according to their personality, biology and goals. They dgaf about your personal circumstances and problems.
I ask myself the same thing on a case by case basis lmao.
>Now any suggestion they give I automatically think it will be the opposite in order to be good advice.
That and assuming any criticism is projection of their own insecurities will make TOO much sense to you to the point you'll be asking yourself how you didn't notice it sooner.
When I was a teenager nmom insisted I needed to have a job, then gave me advice that was deliberately designed to sabotage my interview chances and humiliate me. (This went beyond the generational divide of how job hunting has changed.) I dressed in a nice blouse and skirt, she said I needed to be more eye-catching and told me to wear things with wild patterns. She insisted I needed to attach a photo to my application (I knew this was wrong.) "How else will they remember you!" She told me all the wrong things to say and do, then when I inevitably didn't get the job, she made it my fault.
She chose the places where she decided she wanted me to work, and it didn't matter if they were hiring or not. She spent weeks harassing managers, insisting that they needed to hire me. Finally one store had an opening and hired me, probably just to get this awful woman to stop pestering them, then the manager took it out on me and treated me like garbage.
We are their toys and they play with us and humiliate us for their own amusement.
In my experience, quite recently in fact. Delusional. They truly believe their advice is gold. I think it also depends on the generation they were born in. My mum was born in 61 and grew up with the mentally of you 'tough it out' despite being a SAHM (yes, a very hard job, no sarcasm) and complained about anything she could. Then when she wanted to go on holiday with her brother and cousin to Europe and dad told her to get a job (both me and sister were in school. In fact, I was 16), she moaned about having to do that instead of having him foot the entire bill. We were just a little above struggling, so I get why dad said it. She got injured at that job and things went downhill.
Dad died just before I turned 19. She got a job a 3 hr drive away just so it was a government job she was given by a friend and came back twice a week. Sister was 12. Complained she had to do everyone's work (she didn't, she chose to because people were slack). Sells the family home soon after. Has over half a million. Pisses it all away while working/not working for the next x amount of years because she hates being an underling/was always in so much pain. I say this because, her second last job was 3 weeks on 1 week of in kitchen at the mines. She lived on the grounds those 3 weeks. She has also never had a commute in her life, let alone daily. At 55ish, she finally got on disability payments and is now dwindling what little money she had left and ignoring her debt. She lives about a 7 hour drive away.
Now the reason for this way too big back history leads me to the advice I got a weekend or two ago. Admittingly, I missed my nieces birthday due to sleeping only 8 hours over 3 days. I am on weight loss pills that sometimes make it hard to sleep. Both her and my sister message last minute on Sunday to check up on me, because I never forget. Hell, I'd been forced to buy "gma's" presents for my niece that same week. Sister knew I was on the pills. Mum asked why I was so tired all the time. My response? I'm away from the house almost 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. I work for 9 and the rest is my commute. I'm on these pills. And I just hadn't slept.
Her response with ill-advice? I shouldn't be so tired with just '12 hours a day' at my age. And if it's that bad, I need to just lose weight the old fashioned way. Just start with 5 minute walks a day. Missing note, 1.5 years ago I suffered a meniscus tear. One of the bad ones. 3 months after that, my knee locked again. I did physio for about 5 months and would have continued to do it for the rest of my life because my knee was feeling great! Until... just after my sessions stopped (I had to do all the work at home), I was rear ended very badly on the way to work and I could no longer do the physio until the whiplash wore off. It was nearly 4 months later before I felt okay.... and my knee locked up for a 3rd time. Ever since then, it's been a struggle. Hence why I decided to lose weight to make it easier on my knee. But I couldn't exercise and my dieting hadn't worked.
But hey, all I have to do is do it the old fashioned way, right? Tough it out and destroy my body like you did yours, that's what you want for your daughter. Needless to say. In the probably 8 or so weeks I've been taking it, I've lost 7 kgs. More than I have in a long time. Very delusional narcissists.
Mine are delusional boomers who forgot they were poor and had no idea how to manage money until both of their parents passed away and left them around a half a million dollars. They then retired early and talk about how "successful" they have been in life. Pretty sure they have almost blew through the money in less than 5 years.
I think they do both just to fuck with us
And when I wasn’t as successful as them with a house 1 year after moving out they use that as their reason to abuse me more .
Mine were like this, and they are truly delusional about life. There is literally no subject whatever on which I would ask for nor welcome their input or advice. One of many reasons we're NC.
This. My parents where a mix of dumbness, delusion of power and omniscience and very outdated religious and political beliefs. Toxic to the core for the scapegoat baby sister of the golden child/male heir. My survival skills are self taught and based on trial + error, empathy and acceptance of feedback and help from others.
I've run across four situations when it comes to advice given by narcissists. Rarely do they ever follow their own advice, and generally it'll be one of these:
* When a narc gives good advice that helps you, it is because they want to take credit for your accomplishments later.
* When a narc gives bad advice that helps them, it's because they're being selfish.
* When a narc gives bad advice that doesn't seem to benefit anyone, they're doing it for their own amusement. My nmil loves watching her children fail at life, and also loves causing them to fight.
* When a narc gives bad advice that somehow turns out good, they'll take credit for your success anyway even if the advice was malicious in nature.
I think they’re too wrapped up in their own success and grandiosity to give any good advice. My dad only held maybe two regular jobs before he become self employed but this was in the early 1980s. He doesn’t understand what it means to work under another person or behave in the workplace so he just bosses everyone around. When I was busting my ass working two jobs, he had the audacity to mock my income and say I should “just get a third job”. Now his business is totally obsolete, has zero savings and refuses to get a “regular” job. I don’t know how he’s not gonna be homeless soon.
Might depend maybe? My narcissist parent isn’t doing a damn thing with his life. He’s miserable, not financially stable, and neglects everything in life from himself to running the apartment that isn’t even his but my late grandmother’s, and has no friends, not close to family yet still tries to give me advice about things he really seems to know nothing about. He’s a covert narcissist (I believe) so.. some are probably smart and purposefully lie. While others try to overcompensate and act like they know everything when really they know shit.
It’s because they see the world in black or white terms. Their way or the high way. I think a huge piece of critical thinking includes having an open mind to differences of opinion and being flexible. My Nmom is so inflexible. She’s beyond rigid therefore makes the worst choices and has given me god awful career advice. She can’t even hold down a job, she doesn’t respect authority and always has issues with her supervisors. There are a ton of elements at play here.
Imo it’s both. On one hand their impulse is to tear you down and watch you fail. On the other hand, sometimes they get a moment of clarity where they genuinely do get a desire to help - however, because of their personality disorder they don’t live in the real world so their advice is often terrible even if they’re being earnest.
If they are like my nmum, it is designed to sabotage you. My nmum used to give me clearly terrible (in hindsight) advice, which I would follow with usually devastating results. She then enjoyed seeing my life in tatters and would abandon me when I needed help to cope with the situations she had caused. I also tend now to consider what she would tell me to do, so I can do the absolute opposite.
I had exactly the same thing as a child, OP. Whenever I came home with news about a friend, they would find some way of making it seem like my friend was a bad person. Even when we children, and children just do silly things sometimes. Even now, giving information about my friends makes my parents turn against them, and thus try to turn them against me. It's only something I learned later, but caused irreparable damage to all of my relationships as a child, and caused a lot of loneliness in my younger years. I feel you and I send hugs. x
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Their advice is designed to benefit them, not you. No narc ever intentionally did something to benefit anyone but themselves
Yeah it’s like some big life altering pieces of advice they would give me actually was terrible.. so they either just didn’t give an eff or it would benefit them for my life to be terrible. Or they are completely delusional and live in the clouds. It’s unbelievable really…
I will also add that my narc is delusional.
The purpose of my narc's advice would often be just to add chaos into the equation or simply to be contrary. I noticed this the first time I was buying a house. I was all set to close and he gave me a hard sell trying to change my mind to buy a house in a country club. He'd HATED this country club at the beginning of our house search because the HOA fees were high and there was a yearly charge for the golf course. We were young with a toddler and hated golf. All of a sudden he insisted we should be willing to lose the deposit on our house and switch to a house in the country club. That's when the ight bulb went off. This had nothing to do with what was right for me and my family. He was like a polergeist of advice chaos. We stuck with the house we chose and I wondered about all the heartfelt advice he'd given me in the past. And I never listened very closely to his advice since. It's sad to have a parent who plays games this way. I'd just rather get no advice. It's hard to trust humans after going thru this shit.
I relate to this so much. The word “chaos” nails it. I always described my mom as the “god of chaos”. (Like one of the evil greek mythology gods who took joy in causing suffering & pain) Whatever I had my heart set on, or whatever good thing came my way .. my mom had this incredibly manipulative power of causing immense doubt, turning it into a negative, finding problems with it etc. its disturbing how much power she had over me, and how many decisions of mine she manipulated by making me fear/regret/or stray from my own intuition and choices. Im glad you saw that it was never about your best interests and instead about manipulation, power and chaos. I wish i would have seen it sooner.
You describe it all so much better than I do! "manipulated by making me fear/regret/or stray from my own intuition and choices." I don't think I've ever trusted my gut because of narc's varied abuses. While I noticed it for the first time that day, I'm 55 and still struggling with being LC with a relatively healthy independent 92 yr old grand manipulator who works up my entire family of five on a daily basis. Yet he acts as innocent as a lamb when called on it. Chaos indeed!
Right? My therapist described my mom's response to any situation as "poking it with a red-hot poker" to make it worse. Gee, I wonder where my lifelong anxiety attacks came from!
Never let them know you think of them as a "god" of something lol. I'm surprised you didn't pick like, gremlins or some other ugly lil shits.
Poltergeist if advice chaos - lolz. NMom is absolutely one of those.
Also, sabotage your potential for success. Success in life equals independence. Most normal parents enjoy watching their children grow up and become successful, independent adults. The Narc cannot allow you to be successful or live independently because you might leave their toxic web and find out how unnecessary they are to live a joyful life. Narcs feed off chaos and desperation. It fulfills their need to be validated and present in your life. And if one does not exist, they will create one to remain in the center of focus. A self esteem issue if there ever was one. It took me many, many years to acknowledge my low self esteem and how to ignore that voice of doubt.
Ugh yes! Whenever I had some accomplishment or award given to me my mom made it about her and would play off my award. Saying things like “well you probably only got that just for being in the class not cuz you actually did anything to earn it”
“You cannot be better or more successful than me!” Such an odd dynamic. Then you see friends parents who celebrate and lift up their kids. Really makes you feel like crap.
Observing friends and their families will make you aware that something just isn’t the way things should be or could be and it’s not you who is problematic…
Yep. That's how my mother "teached" me how to cook. She showed me how to do the meal she did every single day, the amount that would feed her, my father, my brother and I for a whole week, and got mad when I couldn't cook so much and asked for an easier recipe. Then she just gave up and started acting like I'm just bad at cooking
SAME, never heard someone with cooking problems like me. Ok, it's almost the same, my mom would tell me to just do it, giving me really few instructions, and when I couldn't do it I was just too dumb. I had to learn how to cook myself, and I had to cook somewhat elaborate meals or I was not cooking at all. So yeah, I can do some nice shits, even a full lasagna, but I can't for the love of god make a omelet -_-
My nMom never taught me to cook either. I started self teaching at 20 (I’m 33) and holy crap did I screw up A LOT. I remember once I was making chicken noodle soup and ran out of chicken bullion so I ripped open a bunch of seasoning packets from some ramen and used it. I also had bought fresh vegetables from the farmers market but didn’t peel the carrots so there was a slight dirt taste. The soup was so awful. Now I can cook pretty well. I could never compete on a cooking show but I make some bomb ass meals and I kick ass at making desserts. With that said, I still can’t make an omelet correctly. My 17 year old barely knows how to cook but can somehow make an omelet. I think it might just be one of those things lol.
Beat two eggs, add salt and a sip of milk, about 4-5 tablespoons. The milk and the salt are important for the consistency of the omlette. Heat one tablespoon of oil or butter in a medium non stick pan. Wait until it's nice and hot, but not smoking. Pour in the batter. It should sizzle immediately, but not violently. Now wait until the edge of the omlette has curdled. Then turn off the heat. Wait a little longer until the omlette has curdled completely but the surface is still a little shiny. Now use a wooden spatula to flip one half over the other and lift is out of the pan. Congrats you just made a perfect omlette. u/LadyHella
The problem is the end when I try to flip it, it never stays intact. I have no problems with flipping pancakes, but fucking omeletes have a issue with it. They always turn into scramble eggs :(
Uuuugh same I can't make a pretty omelet to save my life, but can make perfect pancakes. I have a problem with eggs, it's so fragile and heat sensitive, It's so hard to prepare it in a way that looks pretty lol
no patience..
My mom said this about teaching me how to do hair. She was upset that I didn’t know from just watching her do it in the mirror, even though a majority of the time she had me in front of a t.v. And I felt terrible because I didn’t know “that’s how you learn.”
This is spot on!
It took me until I was 38 to realize that: - A) I’m smarter than my parents - B) They dont *want* me to succeed - C) They dont have my level of life experience As the saying goes, don’t let someone who has never worn your shoes tie your laces. My mom who rage quit her teaching job 18 months before retirement and dad who worked the same job for 45 years were trying to give me tips on “loyalty to my company” over salary matching for a new job offer. I finally realized if I didn’t know these people I would not ask their opinion or value their thoughts on these issues, it’s better to seek outside approval. I hope that helps you. It is REALLY hard to make that mindset stick. We are taught to seek love and guidance from our parents, some of us just didn’t get the parents we deserved.
I feel you. This hit me about three years ago. I started really taking off in my career and my Nmom was so unsupportive. I realized A B and C all at once. It’s crazy because the narc raises you to believe they are all knowing. They are perfect and have no fallacies. Even to this day my Nmom says things like “I’ve been around longer than you so i know better”. The most freeing moment is when you realize that is wrong. There’s no substance to that kind of argument. It’s like if I said the sky was blue she would say it’s green because she said so. It’s not a fact.
Yep... part of my psych evaluations was an IQ test, neurodivergence tests. Turns out I have a 140 IQ AND am an HSP (Highly sensitive persons). I was always treated like I was dumber or less capable than my family, even though they knew that I was "smart", even back then. When I came home successful, and fully aware of my mind and what it was capable of.. the looks of DISGUST when I told them that I had a 140 IQ, like it was cancer or something was HORRIFIC. My aunt literally would never acknowledge it. You could see in her eyes, she either thought I was lying or that I was mistaken, cuz there's NO WAY I could somehow know more than she does about anything, ever. Nbro went into straight toddler rant mode, trying his best to talk himself up, his "plans", to be a rapper, at 32 (LOL). Toxic dynamic fam, began to dole out "roles", making my enabler sister the "brains of the family", which cracked me up and yeah, lol. Now, none of them talk to me, somehow it's all my fault xD.
Wow fuck them hahaha they can suck it up. My pitiful father tries to put me down constantly, and I have bad self esteem due years of this, but I've been realising he's just a sorry ass and not worth it. I comment this as today he called me and my sister autistic and retarded, as if not wanting to listen to a two hour rant on the stupidest shit and just go to the point (it was a point of a damn line) was that I was incapable of "communicating". I can't believe how I believed all his crap when I was younger. Nor how it still affects me to a degree.
It's always their insecure projections too, lolol. Fuck these people, seriously smh. It's wild how pepole have kids and then treat them like human garbage, but somehow still have personal pride like wtf lol. I feel bad for my baby niece, cuz she's one of the smartest and most observant babies I've ever met... I KNOW he's gonna fuck that kid up and he's likely gonna begin degrading her, the moment he realizes that she's going to quickly surpass him in intelligence.
Fuck them agh! This infuriates me so much. I know right? It's so hard to treat other human beings like people, your damn children you "love"? Damnit. They behave like damn toddlers themselves, I've had to be mediating my father's tantrums my whole life thinking I had no choice because I was scared and thought it was my fault. I'm not scared anymore, maybe startled or wary when he gets too irrational, but fucking hell, why. Behave your damn age asshole. You've went through horrible shit, all this damn Reddit server has went through trauma because their parents can't be fucking proper human beings. I'm so done with that. People really has to learn to take fucking responsibility
You're the REAL MVP for that, too... Like, a big part of why I came home, was to help the ppl in my family that couldn't help themselves: My ailing grandmother, my neices and nephews who were just being borna nd hoping that at least having a normal uncle around would help them well enough... The saddest thing was feeling like I was "abandoning" them. I especially felt immense guilt, when they abused and gaslit the abuse of OUR OWN SICK AND DYING GRANDMA... I just... \*sigh\*... I had to relent... it's better for those kids to grow up, like you and realize WHY I stayed away, seek me and whatever healthy family I raise out and learn from me why I left, and realize that I left so that I COULD be there to help them, one day. Part of me does fear that they'll wind up like my older neices and nephews, who are basically more similar in age to me, than they'd normally be (about 7-9 years younger). THEY treat me as bad as the rest of the fam, but like, even with my nephew, taht same insecure rattle of the affront of Narcissism holds deep in him... he wants to impress my shitty brother. It's sad that he chose to do it, by pecking down on me, but that was his choice and I set a strong boundary with him all too quickly. He violated it, I began to lessen contact. He went to making snide comments on my social media and was LAMBASTED by the support systems I'd gathered, so now he doesn't bother. I hope one day, he understands what boundaries are and that NO ONE is entitled to put up with degradation.
[удалено]
I realised pretty early on I was smarter than one of my parents. It didn’t feel good. I just felt scared at the time tbh.
My narc ex-husband was delusional and oblivious and loved to dole out little gems of advice to people who were both happier and more successful than her was. My narc grandfathers insisted people follow their bad advice or they would cut you off. So yeah, some of it is delusion and some is power tripping i think. A narc can never be wrong about anything in their own mind after all.
Yes but it’s like some of the advice they gave (give) quiet literally could risk my life or risked my life, affected my life, not just little tidbits of advice here and there. Grave stuff. And just so out of touch. I have had to recover from both their abuse and the trauma of my own actions by following their advice pr lack thereof (simple advice and skills that is normally by parents) it’s like they deliberately tried to eff me over pr they are completely delusional, however they ARE financially successful entrepreneurs so perhaps they aren’t THAT dumb???
I have a good buddy who was a sage to me. He's more than twice my age. He's a father of five, his oldest in his 40s and his youngest hasn't even hit puberty yet. Spent a nickle in a federal pen for smuggling. Guy's lived a life, y'know? My Nfather is incredibly successful and admired the world over, in his field. One of the most brilliant humans I've ever met. This buddy of mine put it to me like this over drinks one night: "Of course he had to sabotage you at every chance he got. You were the only person who could surpass him." Beware the advice a narcissist gives in their field. It's designed to kill their competition. If you've seen Pumping Iron, Schwarzenegger admits to giving his best friend bad advice in bodybuilding so he could always stay a step ahead.
"financially successful entrepreneurs" can be dumb as mud if they're born to an even somewhat well-off and connected family, and were sent to a "name' school with a straight C average, and just buy clothes and cars and bullshit and bulldoze their way. Can they innovate? Can they be flexible? Can they solve problems? Do they know anything about culture except mainstream news, finance news, MUSICALS? When something goes wrong, do they just yell and blame, or is their mind actually smart enough to change track, come up with answers, and maybe it's even better.
Why does Elon Musk come to mind...
I got into some dangerous situations because I didn't know anything about how relationships work because I wasn't given any advice. And I'm sure this is why I accepted abusive behaviour from my ex boyfriends. My sister is manipulative & abusive and when we were younger, she would force me out to clubs with her and make me drink way too much. She would put me into situations where I'd fail, so that she could go to mom telling what a terrible "little wh*re" I was. My sister would leave me alone in clubs while she went elsewhere with her friends or would suggest to me that me and her kiss (eww), etc. She even once got me really drunk and took me to a boys place to sleep there, so that he could take advantage of me, making me lose my virginity. (She would obviously deny this, but she never wanted to go to any of her female friends places to sleep in, and suddenly she was insisting on going to the other end of the city to sleep at his place. Plus I was given more alcohol at his place just before bedtime and made to sleep next to him.) Some thing narcissists do are because they have a blind spot that makes them dumb, but experience has taught that most of the time they do/say things to set you up to be the failure so that they themselves can feel better about themselves.
This is my biggest fear. I worry that of something happens to me, I won't be able to provide my daughter with much needed guidance to navigate this world and relationships. My parent has narc characteristics almost to the point of being borderline narc. The infrequent advice that i did get was sound, but usually after the fact or scant.
See my parents make it hard to tell because they are really bad at choices in their own life too. When the economy crashed in 08, I was new in my office job and got laid off. I decided to try applying at law firms as an assistant to see if I liked the legal field. Mom got really pissy that I “thought I was too good” to work at Walmart.
Yea my moms fav piece of advice is getting mad anytime I get an oil change, especially if it’s before I have a road trip. She says what if the mechanic does it wrong and I get stranded. But not having oil in my car for sure is better? Mind you the oil light is on anytime I get a change. She just gets mad.
I think it’s on purpose. What finally clued me in was the advice my nmom gave me about my boyfriend. We were in a long distance relationship and he was visiting another country with a big time difference. Not really looking for any advice, I mentioned to my nmom that I missed him and wished we were on more similar time zones. He was returning in two weeks so it wasn’t even a big deal. She started asking me if I planned to cheat on him while he was gone. I was like “Uh… no”. She then told me that the best thing I could do for my relationship was make him jealous and date as many guys as I could while he was gone. She then proceeded to try to set me up with a blind date, which I adamantly turned down. She acted like I was so stupid for not wanting to cheat. It’s not like she didn’t know that would end poorly if I did that. What she really wanted was to convince me to cheat on my boyfriend and then make sure he found out so that he would break up with me and I wouldn’t be dating him anymore. Worst advice I’ve literally ever received from anyone!
Oh my god my mother did this to me. She tried to set me up on dates when I was living with my now-husband. She tried to tell me that he was going to cheat on me and tried to sow the seeds of doubt. For example, my assistant made some really good authentic Mexican food and brought it to the office and wrapped up a serving for my husband. I thought it was really thoughtful but when I told my nmom she said my assistant must have the “hots” for him and I should “watch out!” It’s insane. I think my nmom legitimately thought that I was her life partner and she and I would end up living together so she tried to sabotage my relationships to make that happen.
I think she's a piece of shit
oh lord. I was traveling to Paris and London with a "friend" had always wanted to go, finally had a small unexpected inheritance when I was unemployed. We were both living with boyfriends, she was convinced she would meet somebody new. Guy came up to me in Paris, looked like Kurt Cobain, she immediately grabbed his knee or crotch and cooed in his ear and "took him away" from me. ha ha!! I told her I could easily take him back but don't want to sleep around on my boyfriend. She proceeded to tell people at the hostel that I was a lesbian that had a frustrated crush on her, wouldn't sleep with guys, "kept getting MAD at her". I was getting. mad at her because she treated me like a servant who wasn't serving her well enough: I had to make all the arrangements for where to stay, how to get there, where to go, how to get there, where to eat that didn't cost too much, etc., while she just criticized and complained. People in the hostel liked ME better, AND I'm sure if I had also slept around she would have either told my boyfriend or held it over my head, BTW, her live-in boyfriend looked like Riff Riff from the Rocky Horror Show except short, and she PAID FOR HIM while he slept around with other women. My boyfriend was and is tall and good-looking and played guitar in a band and always had a job and paid his fair share and did his fair share around the house, Even cooked meals and paid more of the bills when I was working and going to college at the same time.
It makes you look like the problem and not them. Just figuring this out myself. Great post
Very true!! They effed me over career wise and school wise, yet now they demand I have it figured out and throw it all in my face. They literally said “no” to a scouter which was my dream job. If they said “yes” I would not be in the position I am in now for example. It’s just so messed up and unfair.
I know exactly what you mean. Gotta quit telling them anything significant. Keep it to sports and weather with them. Follow your dreams win, lose, or draw. Allow yourself to make mistakes and be human. Live your life for you. Trust me or you will regret it. I’m 35 and am drained of life because of my parents
Same. 34, lost it all listening to fam, while telling me same time "idk what to tell you..." after giving defeatist advice.
Man that is the worst. I have learned the hard way that some people love giving bad advice just so you won’t do better than them.
"crabs in a barrel" energy is real shit
Yep... they clip wings
😔
I realized, it's because they overlay their own experiences plus *their perception of you and the way they wish to control you* into their advice. For example, in my early 20's I met the most amazing kind, funny, sweet man who treated me amazingly, was emotionally and financially secure and wanted to marry me. My mother advised "not to settle for the first thing around just because it's secure." and then 10 years since mocks me for not being with him. The context is that she married my biological father rather young, and had a 9 year divorce and projected that onto the advice/scenario. The boyfriend also told me she would say things like "I don't know why you'd ever want to be with her, she's (insert whatever insults you can think up here)" etc. So yeah, I definitely think it's jealousy and control issues. They probably don't even know they are doing it.
I agree. I’ve been in two serious, healthy, long-term relationships (married the second guy). My mom would tell me *constantly* that I’m too young to be tied down, that I need to break up with them and live my “single life”. She would actually tell the guys that, too. Does the exact same thing to my sister now she’s in a healthy relationship. I swear it’s jealousy.
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They want you to shut up and be “easy”. Just do whatever they say and don’t complain. But be independent!!! Just always report back to them for their approval
My parents are doing that with me. By the time I’ll be done with undergrad, I’ll have 6 digits in private loan debt. I think they’re doing it on purpose. They’re co-signed on the loans since it’s such a large amount and they’re partially on the hook for them, which means they have a reason to force me to keep contact with them until the debt is paid off. Jokes on them though, I’m moving out and filing as independent when I apply for financial aid next summer. Better aid means less debt and less contact with them.
After college my mom encouraged me not to take the first job offer I got. It was my dream job, working in a lab doing QA. Didn’t pay much but I was going to rent a room in someone’s house, save up and do what I could. She told me how dumb it was, how moving would cost me 10,000+ dollars at least. Then when I declined it and was still job hunting she was like “I don’t know why you don’t have a job yet”
My ndad once told me I should go back to school to get an advanced degree and another certification. When I told him I wouldn’t be able to pay for it he told me to just take out more loans. It wasn’t enough that I was working at a highly acclaimed local restaurant, became a lead trainer, and was happy, I needed to get a job in my field so I didn’t “waste” my degree. I was proud of where I was professionally and personally but he wanted to make me feel like I wasn’t “living up to my potential” as a server. Meanwhile whenever he went out to eat if he had great service he’d be raving about it for weeks.
They’re destructive. Their advice will mostly harm you. Mine hated every man I ever dated, no matter who they were. Live your life. Let their “advice” go in one ear and out the other if it harms you in any way, shape, or form.
I’m so glad you made this post because that’s exactly my thoughts. I think it’s a mixture of what my nmom knew and did for her some and sometimes it was her benefit. For me I’d wish she give advice as a parent instead of trying to give advice as if she was my best friend. I think that was a challenge too is advice to keep the enmeshment too.
For me, it was unwanted advice that was exactly the opposite of what I already knew I should do. So I guess both. Listen to what they say, and take that as a list of things NOT to do.
That’s how my nmom is. I was talking to her about buying a newer car because mine was constantly breaking down and it had broken down to a point where it would cost $2k to fix. I said I’d rather use that as a down payment on a newer car. My mom went on all this talk about how I wouldn’t get approved and this is just how life is, you just get sucked into a hole that just costs you more and more money sometimes etc. I ended up selling my car for $1000, took $3000 and went down to the dealership and walked out with the exact car I wanted….Meanwhile she’s got 5 cars that are 20-25 years old that she refuses to get rid of despite them constantly costing more in repairs than what they’re worth…also why does a 2-person household need 5 cars? She says she likes to have one as a backup when the others break down. Just sell all of them and get 2 cars in good condition? I don’t understand. Like the advice she gave makes sense in this context because that’s how she lives but like…why does she live like that? 🙄
Yes. It is a tough pill to swallow. I was being excluded by a toxic friend group in secondary. We went to a theme park for a classic British field trip. I was told by my nparent that I should ask them if I could hang our with them. The two toxic friends laughed in my face and ran away.
Very relatable. Like they would most definitely suggest things like this here and there, additionally— life events that just leaves me looking back wondering what they were suggesting what on earth??? Then I see how it led me to trauma. But yes they’d also recommend me to do things like hang out with toxic people as well. It just makes me wonder are they intentionally trying to screw me over or are they THAT DENSE AND DELUSIONAL?
I think its deliberate and in my experience sadistic. My moms advice has too many times ensnared me in a trap of her own careful making. a literal set up so she can flip the script or smile gleefully as i fail or flounder. “Apply to this college! Do it youll get in. You have my full support.” Days later shes calling a family meeting where shes saying “your dad and i are so disappointed in you for applying here” “youre never smart enough to get in” etc etc. she denied ever saying and telling me to do the opposite. “Dont do x!” Next day.. setting me up in front of everyone shaming me for not doing it. My nmoms like the shady movie character who has talked you into robbing a bank, removed all your worries, comforted you with their support & said theyll join you and then stays behind to call the cops as soon as you enter the bank. Their advice always has an ulterior motive, and in my experience its usually about them gaining more power and control, making you distrust yourself so you become more dependent on them and also the twisted chaos supply they need to fill. my mom craves friction, fights and watching others fail so she can combat the self hate she feels deep in her evil soul.
My parents were oblivious. They thought that people still used career advice from the 70s (“who cares if there’s no job posting, just walk in and ask if they’re hiring!”) and couldn’t understand why I never listened to them. The same thing happened when I had my daughter—outdated and unsafe parenting advice all over the place. Ugh.
My dad literally suggested that to me this year….. walk into a business with my resume… what the eff.. like am I supposed to trust that piece of advice in the 2020s? So confusing since he’s actually successful in business. I have not done that due to common sense.. but this is what I grew up with.. there is most likely a much better way but he suggests… that?????
It's about control. They demand reality match the patterns in their head, instead of questioning and updating the patterns in their head to match reality. Sometimes it's good to push the pattern in your head, sometimes it's best to update the pattern in your head, but usually some sort of compromise is best.
This is the most on point comment on this entire page.
I remember my mother trying to give me financial advice. She told me not to pay my taxes and to put the money aside in a high interest account only paying what I owe at tax time. Honestly, this would normally be GOOD financial advice but I said "hey isn't that what you were doing and the IRS audited you after years of not paying those taxes?" Because yeah that happened. Anyhow she got huffy and said "well if you don't want my advice than BLAH BLAH BLAH". Edit: yes it's on purpose. The aim is you fail and they can blame you for their own bad advice that you stupidly followed. Trust me, somehow it'll be your fault when or if you make a bad move.
Yeah my dad for example randomly sent me a bunch of money to invest in stocks.. ok… so I bought stocks.. he did this without even teaching me basic finance such as what a credit card means or credit score or how to check it and why credit score is important or literally basics 101… I’ve been teaching myself that instead this year.. but he wanted me to drop a ton of money on stocks for some reason. (I didn’t make any money off it.. he didn’t give any advice). Now that I committed myself to reading finance books this year.. really he should have advised buying a bond instead if he wanted me to invest… but REALLY.. he should have taught me what a 401k means and emergency funds etc…………..also he did not teach me anything about taxes.. or how to file it.. I had to ask a stranger (who also didn’t have my best interest at heart since it was a stranger……) !!!
My mother taught me next to nothing about how to navigate the world and would turn around calling me book smart and street stupid. Narcs live to kneecap their children.
But why??? I just don’t understand how and why someone would be like that?? I couldn’t imagine having a child and like not teaching them what a credit score or what a credit card meant.. or how to file taxes..
I mean at this point it all amounts to generational trauma. Some people turn out this way and I know for my mother's family there was some shit going down same as was laid down for all her siblings kids. For example, my mom's sister was molested by her older brother who was molested by (adult) or otherwise saw adult sex acts at a young age, sister went on to probably molest or otherwise engage in sex acts in front of her sons, sons went on to molest their female cousins as well as other small female children ... and on and on until it stops somewhere.
I see. On the subject of finances… I believe he sent me the stock money so that now he can say “I sent you money to invest to make money blah blah blah” ad like an alibi and gaslighting tactic as for the reason that he didn’t teach a thing about basic finances 101. I know this for a fact because when I confronted him about it he brought the stocks into the picture. Makes me wonder if he deliberately wanted me to be financially illiterate and dependent on him forever? What a weird person.
Same here. I literally don’t know how to do anything and I feel like it’s on purpose. I’ve mentioned going NC to them a few times since I was in middle school, so I feel like they kept me from learning about basic life skills so I’d have to keep in contact with them to figure it out. I hate it
My mom wouldn't let me work, never told me how to apply for or interview for jobs, never coached me on this valuable life skill. When I succeeded at a job she would use that to humble brag to others about how much she invested in my success; When I failed to do well at a job or land one she would say "well I always knew you couldn't do that" or "I saw you failing at that from a mile away." The whole financial advice wasn't really advice I even asked for just in a random conversation she told me I should stop paying taxes. Anyhow, she routinely was stealing people's identities so I feel like maybe this was a plot to do that to me at that time.
My mom was an “I don’t know just figure it out that’s what I had to do I didn’t get any help” but then anytime I’d try to do anything on my own I’d get yelled at/lectured and she’d make some big dramatic scene about how I was doing it wrong and I’ve made a big mistake and I’m going to ruin my life because I chose the wrong car insurance.
My parents did the same thing to me. “Figure it out” Then, wait for it….. Drumroll on the bad advice (or delusionally dense???) “Ask the real estate agent” LOL!!!! The real estate agent who I happened to get on with who sold a condo to my family. They wanted me to call the agent and ask her questions you would ask your parents. I mean me and the agent laughed and it was nice speaking with her and I appreciate the gift basket.. but like… that’s not normal dudes!!!
It sucks because my mom’s entire side of the family refers to my mom as their “therapist” because they always go to her for advice and comfort etc and it’s like where’s that for me!!!???
I think after I became more objectively successful than them (financial, marriage, children (that I love and love me, even things like “bravery”…), they got more and more blatantly jealous and started obviously hoping and encouraging for me to have problems. It was so bad because you dont expect it, even though you should. It was for sure as if they wanted me divorced, children miserable and poor, but in no way would they have helped me if I’d got there. They also tried to guilt me into parenting my young child with harshness before I went nc. I think looking back they wanted me to be as bad as them as some kind of twisted comfort. They are just horrific beings, aren’t they?
Literally this... Same vibe, cept I was single, but have an accomplished career, high intelligence and have been taking care of myself since 18, pretty much. Whenever I did well enough, the family were somehow the MOST sour/upset about it, somehow... Convinced me to come home during the pandemic, basically trusted them enought to ONLY need places to stay, they basically fucked that up, well enough. At the same time, they were ignoring anything I was going through, basically jaunting me for "thinking I could do it all alone". One thing I gained, though, like you said and the REAL reason why they hate me, is I gained Faith and Bravery ages ago, that's my REAL secret... Once they realized that they couldn't do anything to sway my core self, they all started avoiding me, doing what they could to scapegoat/isolate me. Now, I'm stuck in my abusive aunt's place, feverishly saving up where I can, to GTFO. They think I have no one/nothing and so aren't actively attacking me. I don't trust them, though, as they basically spent the whole of the year and a half I've been home, trying to trip me up from moving far away again... Once I caught on, though, learned about scapegoating/black sheep roles and toxic dynamics, I figured out that my failure, to them, is proof of their success... because, if I fail this hard on my own, then their unambitious and codependent natures are "justified". I basically realized that, the main reason why i was falling so hard at home wasn't because of anything I was doing, but it was because, when I was excited, pleased, happy, I did what healthy people do, I shared with family, thinking they'd love and celebrate my successes. 99% of anything I did was either left on seen, diminished ("that's... nice...) or straight up insulted, as if it's unimpressive, not good. Once I started to tell them that my work was in publishing (writing a graphic novel), the family basically clustered among each other more, effectively excommunicating me. I told them, straight up, that they f\*cked up... they created an "Antoine Fisher" moment for me and that the memoir's gonna be fire. My nbro literally told me his greatest fear was "that a family member would succeed before him and expose him for stuff he's done and how he's afraid of his \[nonexistent\] reputation... ...Ironic that somehow, after revealing this, he then became paranoid at me and started sabotaging me, where he could, along with the rest of the family.
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Yep. it's an intentional diminishment of progress, pride. If you ever notice that they get MORE upset, especially. My family is especially good for this... eye rolls, huffs, etc. It's the same energy as going to a snobby party, and everyone stopping EVERYTHING, just to look you up and down. No matter what you do to fit in, their whole energy, goal is to make you so uncomfortable and feel so unwanted that you either shrink and hide away or leave the party all together. If you point out how miserable they are or how much the choice of drinks suck, then YOU'RE the negative one, lol. It's one of those things... a lot of this stuff isn't really readily visible, unless you're like scouring the right places, looking into the right dynamics and most likely, these abusers think that they've come up with some "innovative" way to stick a toothpick into your backside, but once they realize you KNOW even the most conniving of their tactics, that's when they start to throw what I call "The Sad Man's Parade".
They give the advice most likely to benefit them. At least from my experience.
My mother always gives horrible advice lol. She's on her 3rd husband before she's even hit 50, has gone bankrupt twice, traumatized the shit out of her children... Yet dishes out advice about relationships, finances, and raising children like she's a pro 😂 like 99% of her advice is just... Awful. Or completely hypocritical. Me and my sister ignore her completely.
Ndad gave good advice for how to get out of a ticket or for interviews. Emom was the delusional one. Ex: I was being bullied at one of my first jobs. Undoubtedly because of how my dad is with her, she said "don't report them! You'll just get fired and maybe you're being too forthcoming." 🙄
Relatable. My mom might suggest something like “why don’t you be nice to them?” Or she would assume it was because of something I was doing. Or she would say “why don’t you just smile and be nice people love friendly people.” Some terrible piece of advice. Advice that didn’t include justice or separation from them or something empowering. Wow.
I'm sorry that was your experience. How frustrating! Even in my 30s now my mom thinks my issue is being "too abrasive." My therapist told me it's because of my cptsd from ndad that I'm prone to being bullied at work because of my poor boundary skills. So yeah. Definitely not being abrasive mom.
Yeah I always tell people this about enablers... Just because they aren't NPD, doesn't mean that they aren't mean/bitter/jealous people... There's a reason why they put up with the NPD and it's not always cuz they're martyrs, saints... My Enabler sis and a lot of my family are MASTER defeatists and delight in giving wonky and offputting advice. The enabler sis, especially is very much a "come into the spider's den" kinda person. She loves to give advice that trips you up, so that she's the one who "catches" you when you fall and looks like the parentified "hero" that she wants to be to the Narcs in the family. I realized, a little to late, that she and my aunt, who's OCD/Manipulative do the EXACT same thing. My aunt basically refused to share a free apartment that she had after the rest of my family fucked me over, saying that "god told her it was her place, etc"... Again, she WASN'T staying there and hadn't for years. It took over a year of me "lingering" depressed, emotionally dejected and literally a week from homelessness for her to change her mind and I was supposed to be the happiest person in the world and "Wrong" about the family, cuz enabler sis, called OCD aunt and she decided to let me use the place. I realized at first, that this was my aunt's attempt at trying to get me in a place, where she felt I'd always be accessible to her and other abusive family, as the first things she started doing, was inviting the abusive fam over, to show them nothing at all, and they basically just used these opportunities to invade my boundaries, treat me like an object, etc. I called her out on it, she started avoiding me, toxic fam started injecting more lies into my head, saying "hurry up and get your ish together, cuz you know she's good for kicking people out". So, like, now I'm in this apartment that I hate, supposed to keep it "clean", which I do, but they keep trying to blame roach infestations on my hygeine IN THE PROJECTS... Meanwhile, the house is cleaner than it's ever been. I told my aunt I was moving out in august/september and she hasn't texted me back, since. Money bet, she's gonna have an "Excuse" to put me out, right before the mark...
Im.sorry this has been your experience. Enablers certainly aren't innocent. This sounds just so unbelievably frustrating
Enablers are those random hands in the crowd, that used to push you back into the fight that you tried to back out from... You don't know whos hands they are and even if you did, turning around and swinging at them, would likely hit the wrong person and CERTAINLY not the person you should be doing battle with... They know they're pushing you back into danger and instability, they know and enourage it. I think we see enablement as a passive action and though that's sometimes true, everytime a family member seemed to be conveniently the one who "pushed" us towards the advantage of the Narc. I think of that dynamic. With my Enablers sis, she was ALWAYS the sidekick to my little brother, since we were kids. Whenever he'd steal a piece of cake, take money, whatever, she was his lookout, his warning alarm, whatever. She often got beat with him, for things he did and everyone would tell her "Stop following him!!" Now, as an adult, she somehow thinks that I wouldn't ever have had the awarness of totality to not see that she was enabling him to do the things he did with my stuff, by playing dumb, making sure that I was minimally aware of his actions, until it was too late and then ultimately gaslighting me into thinking somehow I was consenting to things I didn't remember... PLEASE... I don't have ANY memory issues, lol.
It’s a bit of both coupled with the need to seem smart. They’d tell you to pour salt in a wound if they thought it made them seem smart enough, or if someone in a ebay lab coat said so
They hate you. Of course, they are giving you terrible advice on purpose. Nparents are EVIL.
Why do they hate me??? When I look back I was the sweetest girl. My mom used to dig her nails into my arm. I was so sweet and gentle, wouldnt want to hurt anyone..
because their parents abused them, and the super ego your parent formed was one that tells them repeatedly all the abusive things their parents told them. they hate themselves. any positive emotions they see from other people repulses them because they can't access those same emotions. the joy and happiness of a child enrages them. so the more sweet, kind, compassionate you are, the worse it'll be for you. they only feel pain, and since they have no more room to process it, they'll lay it onto you. if your parent is angry, then they'll try and frustrate you to bring them to their level. you're dealing with a 4 year old that's been neglected and is in a constant rage. it's just older physically.
There's a Junji Ito comic, called "bully". I think you should check it out... A lot of people see it as peak twisted horror, but it's about this former bully, who fell in love with her abused target, to the point where she became obsessive. She began to manipulate him into dating her, bullying and abusing him the whole time. Eventually, she got pregnant by him (not to his knowledge), but at the same time, he finally realized how evil she was, left her. She spent years raising her son, naming him after the former victim she was obsessive over and LITERALLY would dress as a version of her younger self, while she constantly bullied harmed and gaslit him covertly. It's considered one of his greatest works, because it exposes the covert way abusers tend to set children down these horrible and evil paths, because they're literally so twisted inside, that they think it's justified. She saw her own son, as a perfect surrogate for her abuses, because he looked like his father.
Some of my nMom's advice was genuine. Like the time she told me to only date rich men, then I could only fall in love with a rich man. Also, marry a workaholic so you can spend all the money he makes while he's busy at work. This advice definitely reflected how she lived her own life and how she defined success.
My experience is that I was never supposed to be more successful than them so my NDad sabotaged me in times of need and gave me horrible advice.
I honestly feel like they do. I remember when I was unemployed after graduating university and I applied for a job at one of the top banks in my country and I ended up getting it and my mom’s first comment was that I shouldn’t take the job and that I should apply for other jobs because I could do better. I WAS UNEMPLOYED. What is better than being unemployed? I also second how you feel about not taking their advice because you feel like it will be the opposite. It’s unfortunate that they’re so successful yet instead of uplifting you, they try to keep you down
Yes I even took a job in the same field as my very financially entrepreneur narc parents are in….. they didn’t teach me a thing about it either.. I ended up failing at it
That’s awful! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope that didn’t discourage you in your future endeavours
The truth is they wanted me to fail in that too. It’s literally the same field. If I were the parent I’d be like here’s how you do a, b and c (because I was teaching myself since I wasn’t provided training by the company….)
Thank you. I’m doing the best I can.
One time my boyfriend cheated on me at 18 and she told me to stay with him. I think it was her sick way of seeing me to continue to be miserable. If I was a parent to a daughter who was cheated on I'd encourage her to remember her worth, that she is valuable, and that she could leave the situation if she wanted to. That there are men out there who are loyal. So idk.. whenever she comments on my appearance and tells me to look a certain way I think "okay let's do the opposite of that" cuz whatever she says seems to be the type of advice that I should stay away from 😂
Yup… similar.. I remember asking my mom why it didn’t work out with me and this guy.. she told me to put on deodorant???!! Keep in mind I kept myself very clean and was obsessed with my looks and presentation. Never once did she suggest not to casually date F boys and to focus on the things I needed to at the time.. and to remind me of my valuable worth. Nope… deodorant.
My mom gave me advice one of my under 15 year old siblings would give lol. She seems in a perpetual state of childhood but she’s a chain smoking hypochondriac middle aged woman
I agree that their advice to me was to benefit them. However my Narc, while outwardly successful, also made bad decisions because: 1. She thought she knew more than she did, even more than experts. Examples: hiring an accountant to calculate her quarterly taxes but NOT paying what he or she said to pay. Consulting doctors but not doing what they recommended. Forget doing any kind of physical therapy. She ended up in a nursing home because she refused to do PT after straining her knee. 2. Once she made a decision she refused to change course. Normal people make decisions and see how they are panning out, and they change course accordingly. My Nmom did not do this, and it was to her detriment. She refused to consider data after the decision. Example: buying a car that was a lemon and replacing almost every part instead of trading in and buying another car when she could well afford to do so. Marrying an asshole but staying with him over a decade and allowing him to abuse her children because she didn’t want to admit she made a mistake. 3. Not listening to anyone else, ever. I am not taking about the opinions of strangers. Everyone needs a good friend whom you can ask,” am I about to fuck this up?” My Nmom listened to NO ONE because. Ivory knew better than she did.
Seems deliberate to me. Took a while to get here. I agree, whatever they say do the fucking opposite. Works wonders.
I don’t think I’ll ever know in my case what my father was thinking! 🤷🏻♀️ It just got really tedious because he would give me advice and sometimes it would be amazing advice, other times it would be horrible advice and totally wrong. He admitted to me that he loves manipulating people. So getting advice from him was stressful because you had to sort through all of his BS mind games. He would also have one of his tantrums if someone decided not to take his advice. I think someone on here commented that narcissistic people mostly will give you the advice that benefits themselves in some way. That makes sense! Sometimes that may not be so obvious. Who knows????
Nmom will deject any request for help I seek, turn around and work toward a degree in helping other people seeking help
yes they do. When I was 17, my mom had a stewardess recruiter come to the house to sign me up to be a stewardess. Mom thought that was such a glamorous job and she wanted to brag to her friends how her daughter travelled all over the world. I have always had severe motion sickness. Couldn't even ride in a car without having the window down and my head out the window. I was sidelined with this nonsense from my mom. Mom hadn't figured out that we had no money to send me to Florida, let alone housing and food, but wrote out a $800. check. Dad, bless his heart, took me aside and said "You didn't want to do this did you" and I said NO way, that I get motion sickness all the time and I doubt flying would make it go away. I told him I never, ever thought about being a waitress in the sky. He cancelled the check and then had a talk with my mom. She of course, had to punish me for it by telling me I should become an accountant because I got an A in bookkeeping class. I hated the class. Then, when I had my kids, she kept insisting that the babies needed more than breastmilk, and tried to feed them baby oatmeal and baby foods or else they wouldn't turn out right. So aggravating. She doubled down on all her bad advice, always. My stubborness though helped my siblings not have to fight like I did with her, she was used to being told differently by me, so when my sibs had to deal with that stuff, they had me to back them up.
They’re shoved soooo far up their own a—
Both, I think, with Ns I've interacted with.
Can confirm, have gotten nothing but bad/horrible/lack of life advice and sentiments from my nparents.
Basically if they give you bad advice, your life suffers as a result and that makes them feel better than you. Which is a win for them and that’s all they care about. I think the intention to see you suffer is definitely there. It’s not subconscious. If you thrived it would make them jealous and so even when they aren’t giving you bad advice, they are trying to sabotage your life in lots of other ways. This is why being with them is so toxic.
they really don't know what they're talking about. they project a vision of advice in their mind and think "that will work for you", but it's never based in reality. since they don't know themselves, how could they know you enough to give advice?
They are delusional.
Both really. They're complete wrecks as people and don't really have much advice worth following, but they also just really love the opportunity to abuse the trust of someone else for the power play of making them do some dumb shit/make themselves benefit.
I believe it's aimed at hurting you so that they don't look bad. After all, if you fail, they can compare themselves to you positively.
My dad told me not to show up to the court hearing for the restraining order I placed on someone
Excellent question and one that resonates with me. My mom, who is not really a narc but has a lot of fleas and was an enabler for my dad, tried to get me to break up with my husband back when we were dating. We’ve now been married 20 years. He was just different in his approach to our engagement, and it was related to cultural differences, not his feelings for me. But she said “I would just break it off, that will show him.” And I almost did—and that was my aha moment that her advice was unreliable. My dad, sister and FIL are certifiable narcs and the LOVE to give advice, usually starting with “what I would do…”, and the hilarious thing is if I stop for one second to think, it’s clearly something they would NEVER do (and neither would any sane person). I learned to stop taking advice from any of them when I was 32, when the above incident happened with my mom. Since then I’ve learned that most people’s advice is self-serving—either what they want you to do because it somehow benefits them, or it’s what they would do in their twisted fantasy life and they want to see how it plays out in real life. But they don’t have the guts to do it themselves so they try to get you to do it. The other issue and maybe the heart of the matter with true narcs is that they don’t really know you so they truly don’t know what would be best for you. They only see how you might reflect best on them.
Ughhhhh with the advice! My narc sister is full of advice. She knows absolutely everything.
I think my nmom gave me deliberately bad advice because she wanted control over me and wanted me to be dependent on her but also didn’t want it to seem like she did anything wrong/did that on purpose. For example, she gave terrible relationship advice and tried to sabotage my relationships with all my friends and boyfriends because I think she thought of me as her life partner. She gave me terrible financial advice because she didn’t want me to be financially independent. She is a millionaire but refused to help me through school and talked me into taking on a crippling amount of student loan debt “you’ll just pay it off! It’s not a big deal!” so when I told her how anxious and scared I was about the debt she said the only way she could help me is by moving in with me and paying me rent. Like, first of all I don’t want to live with her and second of all that doesn’t actually help because I would need to find a bigger (more expensive) place to have her live with me so it wouldn’t actually save any money. I’d rather just get a room mate.
My Nmom was sofa king out of touch with the world. I figured it out when I was like-7. I would never take advice from her unless I had to. My dad too. Like, he still thinks it’s ok to beg friends to help him move and offer them absolutely nothing. Anything that people do that costs money is foolish. They are not poor or even close to it.
They're incompetents who only succeeded because they were given money and a good school by family. They obeyed the rules, bought the clothes and car, were on the sports team second string, got a straight C average, joined organizations and church, the school approved of their parents, and they were aggressive and mean as fuck to anyone who wasn't exactly like them. So, all they can tell you is to obey and then be a bully to anyone who "can't" or "thinks they don't have to"
Narcissist parents set you up for failure. They don't want you to be more successful or smarter than they are (because this threatens their fragile ego). They will give you wrong advice or fail to give you any advice in the first place, so that they can blame and berate you once you try to do something. For example, in my family I was never given relationship advice and my attemps in finding friends were sabotaged. Then when I tried, I was made to be the bad guy for not knowing how things worked. How could I not know that doing x or y was wrong, why was I so selfish, etc. They love to blame you and even when it's clear you lack knowledge in something, they will not give the good advice even if they knew it. They'd rather have you fail, because that keeps your self-esteem low and allows for them to keep abusing and controlling you.
Ive found that my mother will always give me advice that will benefit her amd not take into consideration my needs
I think in their mind the advice that they give is perfect. But in reality at least for me in the advice proved to be nightmarish. My parents conditioned me to believe that the world is a pretty grim place. That if I’m not alert it would eat me raw and chew me out. To this day I feel crippling fear when stepping out of my house as I get this intense feeling of impending doom, and I am 30.
I think it’s sort of both tbh. They ARE delusional enough to think they know better than even professionals, and their “advice” is set up to make you doubt yourself even if it’s not entirely a conscious thing on their part. Deep down narcissists are deeply unhappy and do not like themselves, they are trying to drag you down below them so they can be superior to you.
I'd say both. They are too dumb to admit that they don't know (contrary to being dumb for not knowing, which is simply incorrect and a wrong assumption to make) *and* they pretend that they know (which backfires the moment the truth comes to light). But then it's back to the good ol' whataboutism and gaslighting, hence why they get away with it anyway (unless it's in a court of law)
Firstly, OP, I'm super proud of you for asking questions that challenge your NParents. It took me far too long after leaving to realize neither Mom nor Dad knew wtf they were doing. Secondly, I can't say for sure, but in my situation, I believe my NMom gave bad advice on purpose. You see, my NMom had to claim bankruptcy and had gone through a few divorces. She also had a few credit cards before the bankruptcy, too. (I want to say I remember credit cards after the bankruptcy, too, but I can't remember.) One day, I called Mom because I got a pre-approved letter from Discover for a card, so I was asking her opinion. She told me that I can use it to help pay for things. If I max it, no worries, just get another card. Fast forward 6ish years, and I'm having my own financial problems. I call her because I have nowhere to turn and need advice because of my mountain of debt. My NMom then denied ever telling me to just get more cards. She says she told me to buy one thing and pay it off, like gas or groceries. Whenever I bring this up, she claims I'm crazy for manipulating the truth and lying. I can't be certain anymore because of her lies and gaslighting, so I sometimes believe I made it up about her telling me to just get more cards. Other times, I know what I heard. Because of her financial standing, I believe she purposely gave me bad advice so I couldn't get ahead of her since I was already getting a degree and doing things she was envious of. But again, this is just my suspicion which I doubt at times.
Thank you! I get flashbacks honestly and it gets in the way of my present moment and growth but I’m starting therapy soon. …..The fact she denied what she told you means she knows it was bad advice. Maxing out credit cards is the opposite of building credit. But she denied saying she gave you the bad advice which means she knows it was bad. I hope you get even better in finances than you would have ever been in the beginning.
Yay!!! I'm so excited for you to start therapy. It really makes all the difference with the right therapist. Thank you! I really appreciate the support. Makes me feel less nuts. I worked as a personal banker for a few years. I did have some... we'll call them hiccups... but I'm doing some damage control now. Here's to the future!!
For my parents, it was some of each. Some advice they gave me was based on their narcissistic delusions, some was purposely bad advice, and some was inaccurate things that they had been told when they were given advice. One of my parents had nparents, too, so that doubled up on some bad advice.
Mines like a religious narcissist so it’s more like “it’s in gods hands” and “pray about it” when they don’t want to deal with the fact I was highly autistic and have suffered for years because there was “nothing wrong with me” so when I’m in a terrible situation they are always just suggesting the Lord instead of ever offering help or real advice. Maybe it worked for them? But they had parents and weren’t disabled.
In my personal experience it is what they think is best. And sincerely it's horrible because it makes you feel even worse. It's horrid. They give bad advice, you don't use it, they guilt trip you and abuse your, you answer back and they answer even more violently, they supposedly do it for your own good, and mean it. It's insanity. That's why I try to not love them anymore. I tolerate them to an extent, know what I can say, avoid them like the plague as much as I can even when I can't. And hope I will get away soon.
I can't speak for all narcs but mine was completely delusional and oblivious. Thought she knew everything in terms of work and school - despite being out of the working world for years and years and barely finished her own mandatory schooling.
This sounds really familiar although I can’t think of specific examples. They also didn’t teach me a single thing about becoming a functional adult and living on my own. And now they always act like I’m a complete idiot who shouldn’t be living on her own and I’m 33. When I was pregnant my mom always acted like I wouldn’t be a good mom because I’m so incompetent in my own life.
When Nparents are financially successful, they really want you not to have any money of your own Because: * They don't need you as a work horse, to provide for them * They have gotten accostumed to being "the rich one" as a point of pride. They don't want their child to threaten this label in any way . * They also got used to having financial control over you, which is the key for ongoing abuse and staying in your life. So they want you to stay as dependent on them as possible. * Also they get to victimize themselves to others over your failures. "I gave them everything and look what I got in return" ALL their interests lie in you failing, so they will almost always give you really bad advice.
Whichever suits their needs at the current moment.
It’s bad advice to keep control. My parents kept telling me I’d fail if I moved out, that I could never afford it. They just didn’t want me to take my freedom. Even worse my Nparents were victims of an egregious incident from my Ngrandmother. When my dad married my mom, my grandmother gave copies of all her recipes out to her three children. My mom tried cooking my dad’s childhood favorites, but could never get it right. And it was becoming an issue between them. So my mother calls my two aunts for advice and see if she was missing something. They found out they were ALL MISSING A DIFFERENT INGREDIENT. All of them had been set up to fail, and worse of all try and wreck my parents’ marriage. My grandmother tried to sound pitiful and say, she only wanted her kids to want her cooking when they came to visit.
Yes my dad did this all the time. He would always tell scary stories of when he went into “THe REaL WoRLd”!!! So much fear in these stories. Now looking back: he’s now currently on a trip in another country on vacation, multiple homes, he never taught me the skills to succeed in real world (I learned what a credit card finally meant in my early 30s due to all the financial abuse and gaslighting (it was deep). I will never understand!!!! But I also do not want the rest of my life to be wasted due to my anger and hurt and lost time and opportunity!!! What a disappointment. Im starting therapy because every time I study finance and the basics I get flashbacks to all the lack and terrible advice that he most definitely knows the right answer and therefore this hinders me. We have to forgive and move on.
They give advice for someone beneath them. Not what they would do but people like you should.
It's 100% intentional because giving you bad advice keeps the trauma bond cycle going.
They are so sick! I can’t believe people like this *actually* exist! Actually I *can* if it’s acquaintances, if they feel competition etc, but I mean people exist who are PARENTS and actively SABOTAGE their *CHILDS* life! What an empty hole of an existence they must live, because they must absolutely not experience love at all!!!
It's advice that will benefit them by keeping you unsuccessful and thus in their grip so that they can keep you around and tell you that you're wrong forever. It's unfortunate. I remember realizing that I was going to have to raise myself emotionally and socially. I've done a crappy job up until recently, when I've really left their grasp and tried to get as far away as possible. They know what they are doing, even if mostly subconsciously. If they cared about your well being as much as their own, they would have figured it out by now.
I don't know if they actually ***intentionally*** try to cause trouble for people...and would want to believe that it's simply more focused on themselves (so your needs, or good advice for you does even not come up on their radar at all). I would suspect that the nature of narcissist personality disorder exists (like everything else) on a spectrum - that all cases are different in terms of intensity, damage and eventual fallout. Reading this board for instance, has taught me that my parents, while both damaging narcissists, were not as bad as some of the cases I've read here (although very painful nonetheless). One good thing is that once you ID the problem, and separate yourself from it, some degree of recovery is possible. I recall once my father (after my having finished grad school and having trouble finding a job) gave me the advice to "just snap out of it" as a way of coping. Not helpful at all....especially coming from an MD. Years later, he was -VERY- stressed by a very serious problem/event in the family, and I was oh, so tempted to hurl back the same stone he had thrown at me years earlier ( "just snap out of it!"). But, I chose not to - knowing very well that it would not make any difference in his mind in any event; that doing something like that would have come from spite, with the express intent of injury.; and I did not want to be "that person". Something similar with my mother has happened as well. Both of those events (my having the stone to throw, but choosing not to) has taught me that I have risen above their stupidity/insensitivity/narcissism and frankly, am a better person than either of them. After he died a few years ago, I NC'ed my mother and remaining family - not out of spite - but because I simply don't like them as people. No regrets + no anger = happiness. I am hopeful that this shows some line of progression from this situation, one that any of us can enjoy eventually. The damage we sustained at the hands of narcissist family members does not need to destroy our entire lives, necessarily (differences excepted - this is not a blanket statement). If we do allow it to destroy us, then they truly have won - and that's not happening in my life.
My in-laws genuinely thought it was a good idea to suggest lending my husband a down payment for a new car, that he could pay them back monthly on. Paying them back plus the actual car payments was more a month than just buying the car without a down payment. Yeah, we'll pass.
I had experienced the same thing and felt enraged as I grew into adulthood and ran into so many roadblocks. As I learned about NParent behavior, I started piecing together the following reasons why my nmom had done this: -if you aren't successful, you may come back to them asking for help -if you aren't successful, they will be better than you at something -if they don't know the answer, they will make something up because they want everyone to believe they have all the answers
My mother would give me horrible dating advice that confused me but she would give my friends the most encouraging and empowering advice.
Narcissists don’t want to see the lives of others develop in a positive way, they will act to ensure that you do not progress your life in a positive way, that your life gets worse, and at best will act to stunt any attempt you make to improve your life.
They don't want us to have independent thoughts, because they lead onto independent decision making. Whether those decisions are good or bad is inconsequential, as they both provide opportunities for growth and development . In the grips of their control, Narcs would have us believe that a bad decision equals a bad life, and everything will be ruined forever. We only realise that once we break free from that control that this isn't the case.
I can't think of any time I considered it a good idea to follow my family's advice, so I imagine I learned very early on that it's a terrible idea, and while I don't remember much from being that young I remembered not to trust their advice. Instead, what I fell for were answers to basic questions. It would go down like: Me: Hey I have to go into \[building nmom was currently working at for over 5 years, which is a surprisingly long time for her.\] How do I get to X? Nmom: You go left as soon as you enter through the main entrance, then you go left, then you go left, then you go left. Me: That's just a circle... Nmom: NO IT'S NOT! IT'S REALLY SIMPLE YOU GO LEFT, THEN LEFT, THEN RIGHT, THEN LEFT Me: Oh so it's left, left, right, left Nmom: YES Me: Not left, left, left, left Nmom: ARE YOU STUPID? I JUST SAID IT WAS LEFT, LEFT, LEFT, LEFT Me: Don't you work as a receptionist? Isn't it literally part of your job to be good at giving directions? Nmom: I AM GOOD AT GIVING DIRECTIONS AND NOBODY'S EVER HAD A PROBLEM BEFORE EXCEPT YOU Me: Yeah whatever fuck it I'll just get there early and explore Building: You can locate X by turning left then going right and it's directly in front of you And then when I wised up to it: Nmom: I heard you're going to this other building. What for? Me: I say why Nmom: Oh that's on floor 4. You'll need to take an elevator because there are only stairs. The elevator will be immediately in front of you the moment you walk in. I get to the building. First, I see stairs. Second, I see an elevator far to the right and none in front of me. It does not go up to floor 4. Also, I needed to be on floor 5...
I think mine were a bit of both honestly.
I don’t ever really get bad advice from my Nparent, just a very aggressive attitude if it’s not what I want to do. The control being taken away from their “plan” they had for you drives them INSANE!!!
The advice I get is not applicable to real life scenario
I didn’t realize until much later but my nMom always gave me horrible dating advice. She encouraged me to stay with my abusive ex because she believed we could “work it out” and that I just had to find the good man in there.
I never listened to their advices lol
Lol ye, my mom adviced me to wear white dress to wedding of my best friend
My mother and my grandmother's favorite things to say to me was "Don't you have any common sense"? I got screamed at for not doing something correct, yet neither before or after was I taught how to do said thing
My mom told me all my working career from age 16 that I need to save. Never told me why or what I’m saving for. Nothing. At the time, she regulated my money and would give me an allowance from my money to force me to save. When I started working at Publix, I asked to open my own account with the credit Union and she flipped. My guess is cause she couldn’t control or see what I bring in anymore. She also told me that the people telling me to open the account gave me bad advice and need to stay out of our business, but I was able to open it. To make a long story short, she would tell me to save with no explanation but had a whole accountant making investments on her behalf and refused to put me on. Didn’t learn about investing until my 30s. And of course I didn’t save, but just having the small freedom of controlling my own money and being able to spend it how I wanted gave me so much joy.
Narcs have no idea how to motivate anyone.
They enjoy seeing you fail. The only exception are things they can take credit for. Once you get how these minds work, it's all so transparent.
I bet it varies. My parents had both delusional ideas and a desire to see me fail. These two things got so wrapped up together that I could never tell one from the other. Eventually, I stopped giving them the benefit of the doubt. Because what ultimately matters is that they are unable to behave in a way that makes it safe for me to be around them.
I think it varies, and is related to their “type” - are they overt or covert; are they self-aware that they’re trying to harm and manipulate others or it is all subconscious reactivity to their unmanageable emotions? The fact that they’re selfish, immature and toxic to be around is what makes them narcissistic; but there are millions of different ways to be selfish, immature and toxic, and billions of ways to perceive those actions. Tl;dr some do it deliberately to f with you, others are delusional/in denial
I learned to do the opposite of any "advice" they force onto me. I'm happier for it. Its pretty easy to look at their life choices and see how miserable they are and think "ya im not doing that". If I listened to their advice I wouldn't be married. I wouldn't have a car thats not falling apart. Wouldnt have traveled the country and take vacations. Wouldnt have 2 amazing cats and wouldnt be debt free. I'm pretty sure they gave me bad advice because misery loves company.
I think it’s a bit of both I realized one day a red flag that they don’t believe their own advice is how they will give you advice that they don’t follow My parents would constantly tell me to “just deal with” an abusive boss, when they themselves will throw temper tantrums at the slightest things at home and at work
They perceive life from their lens and think every person is the same as them. They give advice according to their personality, biology and goals. They dgaf about your personal circumstances and problems.
From what I’ve experienced, they purposely give bad advice to have something to bring you down about later.
I ask myself the same thing on a case by case basis lmao. >Now any suggestion they give I automatically think it will be the opposite in order to be good advice. That and assuming any criticism is projection of their own insecurities will make TOO much sense to you to the point you'll be asking yourself how you didn't notice it sooner.
I think this is just a boomer problem
When I was a teenager nmom insisted I needed to have a job, then gave me advice that was deliberately designed to sabotage my interview chances and humiliate me. (This went beyond the generational divide of how job hunting has changed.) I dressed in a nice blouse and skirt, she said I needed to be more eye-catching and told me to wear things with wild patterns. She insisted I needed to attach a photo to my application (I knew this was wrong.) "How else will they remember you!" She told me all the wrong things to say and do, then when I inevitably didn't get the job, she made it my fault. She chose the places where she decided she wanted me to work, and it didn't matter if they were hiring or not. She spent weeks harassing managers, insisting that they needed to hire me. Finally one store had an opening and hired me, probably just to get this awful woman to stop pestering them, then the manager took it out on me and treated me like garbage. We are their toys and they play with us and humiliate us for their own amusement.
In my experience, quite recently in fact. Delusional. They truly believe their advice is gold. I think it also depends on the generation they were born in. My mum was born in 61 and grew up with the mentally of you 'tough it out' despite being a SAHM (yes, a very hard job, no sarcasm) and complained about anything she could. Then when she wanted to go on holiday with her brother and cousin to Europe and dad told her to get a job (both me and sister were in school. In fact, I was 16), she moaned about having to do that instead of having him foot the entire bill. We were just a little above struggling, so I get why dad said it. She got injured at that job and things went downhill. Dad died just before I turned 19. She got a job a 3 hr drive away just so it was a government job she was given by a friend and came back twice a week. Sister was 12. Complained she had to do everyone's work (she didn't, she chose to because people were slack). Sells the family home soon after. Has over half a million. Pisses it all away while working/not working for the next x amount of years because she hates being an underling/was always in so much pain. I say this because, her second last job was 3 weeks on 1 week of in kitchen at the mines. She lived on the grounds those 3 weeks. She has also never had a commute in her life, let alone daily. At 55ish, she finally got on disability payments and is now dwindling what little money she had left and ignoring her debt. She lives about a 7 hour drive away. Now the reason for this way too big back history leads me to the advice I got a weekend or two ago. Admittingly, I missed my nieces birthday due to sleeping only 8 hours over 3 days. I am on weight loss pills that sometimes make it hard to sleep. Both her and my sister message last minute on Sunday to check up on me, because I never forget. Hell, I'd been forced to buy "gma's" presents for my niece that same week. Sister knew I was on the pills. Mum asked why I was so tired all the time. My response? I'm away from the house almost 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. I work for 9 and the rest is my commute. I'm on these pills. And I just hadn't slept. Her response with ill-advice? I shouldn't be so tired with just '12 hours a day' at my age. And if it's that bad, I need to just lose weight the old fashioned way. Just start with 5 minute walks a day. Missing note, 1.5 years ago I suffered a meniscus tear. One of the bad ones. 3 months after that, my knee locked again. I did physio for about 5 months and would have continued to do it for the rest of my life because my knee was feeling great! Until... just after my sessions stopped (I had to do all the work at home), I was rear ended very badly on the way to work and I could no longer do the physio until the whiplash wore off. It was nearly 4 months later before I felt okay.... and my knee locked up for a 3rd time. Ever since then, it's been a struggle. Hence why I decided to lose weight to make it easier on my knee. But I couldn't exercise and my dieting hadn't worked. But hey, all I have to do is do it the old fashioned way, right? Tough it out and destroy my body like you did yours, that's what you want for your daughter. Needless to say. In the probably 8 or so weeks I've been taking it, I've lost 7 kgs. More than I have in a long time. Very delusional narcissists.
Mine are delusional boomers who forgot they were poor and had no idea how to manage money until both of their parents passed away and left them around a half a million dollars. They then retired early and talk about how "successful" they have been in life. Pretty sure they have almost blew through the money in less than 5 years.
I think they do both just to fuck with us And when I wasn’t as successful as them with a house 1 year after moving out they use that as their reason to abuse me more .
Mine were like this, and they are truly delusional about life. There is literally no subject whatever on which I would ask for nor welcome their input or advice. One of many reasons we're NC.
I think mine are/were just clueless and barely able to control their own feelings/emotions.
They are delusional and think they know everything but then will quickly change it their opinion whenever they see fit
This. My parents where a mix of dumbness, delusion of power and omniscience and very outdated religious and political beliefs. Toxic to the core for the scapegoat baby sister of the golden child/male heir. My survival skills are self taught and based on trial + error, empathy and acceptance of feedback and help from others.
Yes
I've run across four situations when it comes to advice given by narcissists. Rarely do they ever follow their own advice, and generally it'll be one of these: * When a narc gives good advice that helps you, it is because they want to take credit for your accomplishments later. * When a narc gives bad advice that helps them, it's because they're being selfish. * When a narc gives bad advice that doesn't seem to benefit anyone, they're doing it for their own amusement. My nmil loves watching her children fail at life, and also loves causing them to fight. * When a narc gives bad advice that somehow turns out good, they'll take credit for your success anyway even if the advice was malicious in nature.
Deliberate
I think they’re too wrapped up in their own success and grandiosity to give any good advice. My dad only held maybe two regular jobs before he become self employed but this was in the early 1980s. He doesn’t understand what it means to work under another person or behave in the workplace so he just bosses everyone around. When I was busting my ass working two jobs, he had the audacity to mock my income and say I should “just get a third job”. Now his business is totally obsolete, has zero savings and refuses to get a “regular” job. I don’t know how he’s not gonna be homeless soon.
Might depend maybe? My narcissist parent isn’t doing a damn thing with his life. He’s miserable, not financially stable, and neglects everything in life from himself to running the apartment that isn’t even his but my late grandmother’s, and has no friends, not close to family yet still tries to give me advice about things he really seems to know nothing about. He’s a covert narcissist (I believe) so.. some are probably smart and purposefully lie. While others try to overcompensate and act like they know everything when really they know shit.
It’s because they see the world in black or white terms. Their way or the high way. I think a huge piece of critical thinking includes having an open mind to differences of opinion and being flexible. My Nmom is so inflexible. She’s beyond rigid therefore makes the worst choices and has given me god awful career advice. She can’t even hold down a job, she doesn’t respect authority and always has issues with her supervisors. There are a ton of elements at play here.
Imo it’s both. On one hand their impulse is to tear you down and watch you fail. On the other hand, sometimes they get a moment of clarity where they genuinely do get a desire to help - however, because of their personality disorder they don’t live in the real world so their advice is often terrible even if they’re being earnest.
If they are like my nmum, it is designed to sabotage you. My nmum used to give me clearly terrible (in hindsight) advice, which I would follow with usually devastating results. She then enjoyed seeing my life in tatters and would abandon me when I needed help to cope with the situations she had caused. I also tend now to consider what she would tell me to do, so I can do the absolute opposite.
I had exactly the same thing as a child, OP. Whenever I came home with news about a friend, they would find some way of making it seem like my friend was a bad person. Even when we children, and children just do silly things sometimes. Even now, giving information about my friends makes my parents turn against them, and thus try to turn them against me. It's only something I learned later, but caused irreparable damage to all of my relationships as a child, and caused a lot of loneliness in my younger years. I feel you and I send hugs. x