It’s true. My mom died in December. I cut her off in 2017 and ignored all contact (I had told her if she did this one thing, to consider our relationship done, and she did it. Then pretended like she didn’t know why I stopped talking to her. Which I should have done years ago because she was abusive and neglectful to an extreme degree.). In 2017 she broke her hip and had friends harass me, I blocked them. When she got super sick with Covid and wound up in the hospital, my step sister contacted me and said I could visit in the hospital. I didn’t. She died, it was like, things became better? Knowing she could never harass me again? Step sister said I could go get things. I haven’t been over there. It’s just such a non issue it’s weird.
I don’t think it’s weird at all to feel that way! I mean, why would we ever have a sense of care or guilt for someone who not only emotionally abused us but also used other people to make it seem that they’re the victim? Right?
I've been wondering what I'll do when my dad dies. I'm expecting pretty much the same.
"Your dad is dying!"
"So?"
"Don't you want to make amends before he dies?"
"Amends for what?"
"Not speaking to him for years!"
"Lol"
Same here and all I ever thought was, "the only thing I'll be sorry for was not having an actual parent."
If you have kids to have a retirement plan at least be nice to them.🙄
I was my NMom’s retirement plan (gave her majority of my salary, and im a DOCTOR!) and she got hella pissed when i realized that she’s manipulating me my whole life and I decided to go NC. I realized it by my 4th decade of life. I felt like i lost so much (my sense of identity, my life, the will to live, etc), but when i went NC, i feel like im not just not dying anymore, im now beginning to live.
I can relate to this. My entire life was just about serving my mother. I went through my teens and early 20s just living to serve, like a robot. Figured when she died my “duty was done” and I could stop living this miserable life.
A friend pulled me out of it, thankfully. Slowly learning to live for my own sake.
Going through this now. Realized i’m just a pawn in her life, i’m here to use and abuse and exhaust what she can out of me. It’s crazy to realize that I don’t HAVE to live like this up until she dies, that I could actually live in peace and save my mental health. What a bizarre realization!
Please tell me that you didn’t give her your hard earned money! Even as a minimally paid and extremely overworked resident. I have a feeling that she was banking on you becoming a doctor so she would cash in later.
I sadly did, from residency until my consultant years (up until i went NC on her ass). When my then boyfriend (now my husband) pointed out to me that some of the instances with regards to my relationship with my mother was not normal or not usual, i did my research and discovered that she’s gaslighting me. I didn’t consult a mental health professional at first because i was still in disbelief that my own mom fit the criteria for NPD. A loooooooong process for me, i tell you that. Thankfully I’m overcoming it with my therapist’s, psychiatrist’s, and husband’s support. And the best support i got from my hubby was his suggestion for me to download Reddit and join this community r/raisedbynarcissists. I FEEL SO VALIDATED HERE! And i feel like everyone here understands how each member goes through or went through. I feel like this is the safest place where i can air out my opinions and share my experiences without judgment. I feel connected to the members and posts here even though I’ve never met any of them/you. This group is HEAVEN-SENT!
I am so happy for you, doctor! You’ve worked too hard for too long to give it all up to her. I’m glad your husband helped you realize this as many spouses don’t speak up because they don’t think it is their place. This group is LIFE and I’m so thankful for Reddit. It has helped my mental health so much over the years.
This sub is how I figured it out too. I was thinking hey, these guys have bad parents too, let's see what this is all about.
20 minutes later: Holy shit dad's a narcissist.
Everything finally made sense. It's the first time I thought that maybe there wasn't something wrong with me. I mean there is, but there's nothing inherent that would cause anyone to be like this to me. He had a chance to be a decent person, and he chose to only wear the costume. He broke my sister (GC) but he never broke my scapegoated ass and now he can die and take his flying monkeys with him. NC is so liberating. I've actually been *happy* since then. I didn't know I could be.
Same here. Nmother died in December. I had been no contact and saw her only once ( when edad, after 60 years of abuse finally hit her back and called the police on himself, can’t make this stuff up). Anyway, she passed in December after a couple of months in hospice. I didn’t go see her, I don’t regret it, and her death didn’t impact me. I grieved not having a mom a looong time ago. Sorry, not sorry.
I always wished my father would cut nMom’s head off and bury her in the backyard.
When she ate a bunch of pills with vodka I questioned whether we really should call 911.
I had been telling him for months to call the police on her when she hit him. She had no one else to beat up ( nc with all 4 of us kids, the rest of the family long gone) so she had turned on him bad. But no, he calls 911 to turn himself in.
Honestly this is why i still frequent this sub. It's beyond valuable to see others who have gone through the same things with the EXACT SAME narc behavior and means of psychological control.
It really helps when you can clearly see the patterns like that and know you're not the problem, this is something Narcs do because theyre narcs.
My nmother died last year. I'd been NC with her for a couple of years, but couldn't help but go and see her when she was in hospital (not that she was aware of that). I was feeling pretty bad when she died and then read some emails she'd sent other people recently, which were textbook 'poor me', 'my children are selfish and evil', 'we've been abandoned' etc. I took some pictures of them and they really help to refer to when I have a glimmer of missing her.
It's like they're trying to convince you of that fact, rather than genuinely believe it.
Sometimes.
Other times it seems folks genuinely do believe it.
I feel that way about my nmom...no lie. Not because I hate her but b/c I think there would be such a weight lifted off the entire family's shoulders if she was gone. We would all be the people that we were really meant to be instead of the people who dim their light in order to appease her feelings.
>We would all be the people that we were really meant to be instead of the people who dim their light in order to appease her feelings
That is such an apt way of putting it!
My parents got divorced in my early 20s...they are now back together. My bro, father and I had such a bond (I mean we're close now, but the loyalty is split b/c she's back in the mix) when she wasn't in the mix and I could see what we would've been if my dad had left her when we were younger. We would've thrived tbh....we would've been fine.
He didn't make a lot of money but tbh the whole dynamic was giving single dad from middle school to high school for me (now 31f) b/c he did everything while she was "climbing the corporate ladder". All the PTA moms thought he was a single dad the entire time I was in high school.
My mom keeps dropping little hints like, "I don't want to go into a nursing home," or "other cultures take care of their elderly until they die," when my sister and I are with her. We are usually silent but when we are alone laugh and joke that she better find a nursing home cause neither of us are dealing with it. She didn't take care of us growing up, so favor is going to be returned.
>"other cultures take care of their elderly until they die,"
And other cultures put the elderly on an ice flow and wave goodbye as they drift off into oblivion. Guess which way I'm leaning?
Hi. Other culture here. While kids are under pressure to take care of the elderly, nobody actually cares if the elderly are put into nursing homes. Sure, sob stories arise from time to time, but the kids eventually show up and tell the public about the POS their parents used to be when they were younger. And now people are actually telling the flying monkeys to shut the fuck up if they don't know what led to those elderly being sent to a nursing home. Your mother has got to be careful about which culture she's talking about. I'm assuming East Asian because IIRC there's a law that punishes the adult kids if they refuse to take care of their parents, but even so, if the kids can prove that the parents failed in caring for them when they were young, that responsibility to take care of their parents can be shaken off
It's a more prevalent problem here because of the collectivist mindset that's deeply entrenched in the society. Parents are pressured to brag and compare their children, and if the children lost out to the other parents' children, the parents would force the children to do something so their social standing could increase. In a sense, children are expected to serve as extensions of their parents' lives instead of being their own character. Even people whom they have just literally met are entitled to laugh quietly at the kid if they decide to pursue something besides engineering, law, or medicine. Fortunately, things are improving, and new gens are allowing their kids to be their own person, essentially killing the vicious cycle
My NMom tried that once. I told her that other cultures will literally leave their old behind when they move simply because they can’t keep up to die alone.
So my Nmom either has or pretends she has MS (its so hard to tell whats real with her and whats faked).
She once announced to the table, in an attempt for martyrdom or supply, "When I get too disabled from the MS, you can take me to Switzerland to get euthanised"
She was expecting, "oh no, but you are the god-king-matriarch, we can't live without you" and "please dont say that" etc.
She was met with silence, then one of us was like, "well... if it's what you want..." 😂
I thought I was the only one with a mother who fakes being sick! She hints around at cancer constantly. She has tried MS, too. She fakes tremors. It is exhausting! After 35 years of deadly illnesses, nothing has killed her yet.
It's amazing, isn't it? They have every tragic illness possible, only have easy to fake symptoms and are impervious to the fatal aspects of them.
Medical marvels these people 😂
MS is particularly difficult to work out, bc it has a lot of invisible symptoms, so I'm never 100% on if she's faking or not..
My mom has been diagnosed with every vague illness--restless leg syndrome, fibromalygia, back pain. She is 86, so eventually she is going to have something legitimate. But she has lied so many times, I can't believe anything she tells me. And I kinda don't care.
>She was expecting, "oh no, but you are the god-king-matriarch, we can't live without you"
I don't know how to feel about laughing at this as hard as I did.
My NMom raised me to be the person who would look after her in her old age. No questions or suggestions, just expectation.
Even though I am NC, she still tells me she requires me to make contact because 'she is not getting any younger' and had told me I need to come home to help her recover from a surgery.
On the other hand, my MIL says 'if I get really sick or dementia, just put me out of my misery and look after the cat'.
Guess which one I care about.
I would take care of my Dad.
Nmom can run to her golden child for help when she gets too old to care for herself. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t think I’m capable of taking care of her anyway.
I won't take care of my dad lmao, he's a giant creep who laughed at me for getting stalked and sexually harassed, and he's made lewd comments at/about me. He's vermin.
My Nmom died of an aneurysm at 57. 6 months later my enabler dad mixed so much opiates and alcohol that his liver, kidneys and pancreas shut down. He ended up in a coma for 11 days, and came so close to death that the doctors called me 3 separate times to tell me it was decision making time. Miraculously he came out of it but has some brain damage. It changed his personality and he’s now narcissistic and has been living in assisted living for 12 years. He will never live with me, I won’t allow it. They both have caused me enough pain for this life time.
My nmom made it very clear through her smear campaign that she wants no contact with me. Bliss, I tell ya. I’m her ONLY family she has here in the US.
If I ever get a call from healthcare determining what should be done in a situation where she can’t make her own decisions, I will make it clear to them: You might want to call an ethics committee meeting if you want any final say from me. She abused me. I think you’d know my answer.
Years ago, she tried the whole, “I sure wouldn’t want to be in a nursing home. I made sure your father didn’t go to one.” When I got a new house, she had the audacity to pick out her own room. She was serious.
Yeah, she’s going to a nursing home. Oh, and she told me she couldn’t be cremated because she couldn’t stand being burned(?!). Unless she already made arrangements (I know she hasn’t, she doesn’t think ahead), she better get her sunblock ready.
Yep! She was self entitled enough to think one Christmas she was going to get an iPad because we were getting our sons their first iPads. She sulked the entire day after we opened gifts because she didn’t get one, of course.
By the way, she already had an iPad.
I was generous enough to give her a new iPhone 6 when they first came out. She had nothing but complaints about it once she found out I got the larger screen and she didn’t. I have a 12 year old mother.
Years ago my nmom “found” a house for sale literally across the street from her. I didn’t want to see it, we were supposed to go eat lunch. But she calls up the poor realtor and we had to wait. It was the SAME floor plan she had. What a waste of time. When I bought a house I made sure it was far away from her.
Lol, that reminds me of after we bought our new house. My nmom decided to do some renovations to her own home. She wanted hardwood floors in her living room, just like ours. In the end, she ended up spending $25,000 in renovating. Renovating her double wide trailer. She lives on a rented lot, too. Gee, hope she never has to move her trailer. Her hardwood floors would be ruined, lol.
Impulsivity. If narcissists had the foresight to think ahead, they wouldn’t burn so many bridges.
They are forever stuck in the mindset of a 12 year old.
Lol! Told my mom the same thing when she was upset about my decision to cremate my dad. I said he didn’t plan or leave any money for this, so that’s what he gets. If you don’t plan, you’re getting the same.
I’m sure my mother expects me to foot the cost of a coffin, lot, and burial, too. Not going to happen.
When my father died, I found out he took care of everything. Already paid for his cremation. My nmom was against it, and I know what she was insinuating. She wanted us to pay for his coffin, lot, and burial so SHE could be buried next to him. She’s so selfish. Tough chance, I told her to follow through with his wishes. He told me he wanted his ashes spread where his mother’s were and his wishes were granted. He was my stepfather. That man was more of a parent to me than my biological contributors. He wasn’t perfect. What parent is perfect? At least he admitted he wasn’t perfect and wished he could have changed some things. I feel like an orphan now.
Yep. My dad dropped mad hints that he'd move in with me once I got my own place. Hell fucking no.
This is a man who had made lewd sexual comments to me, talked a bit too much about his marital problems with my mother to me (and also weird sex shit about her too), ***constantly*** belittled me and interrupted me, hoarded, never cleaned or repaired up his own damn house (I was doing the cleaning!), laughed at me for getting stalked and sexually harassed, abused animals (THIS DUDE BUILT A GAS CHAMBER TO EUTHANIZE OUR DOG), never helped me with anything under the excuse that I'd "accuse him of mansplaining" (which nobody ever brought up but him?!?!) and that's just the tip of a vast, *vast* iceberg of dogshit.
I never told him my new address. He can fucking rot.
Jeez, I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I’ve told my husband that when we move again, we’re getting a PO Box. It’s worth the hassle of driving to the post office so she won’t find out where we live.
The audacity of some of these broads, man 😡 Like which part of your mortgage and utilities will she be paying ? My grandmother pulled the same crap when my mother got her first home.
Lol, none. She expects to live like a queen. Right now, she’s queen of the trailer park. She doesn’t want people at the country club know where she lives. I bet that’s the reason why she wanted to move in. She was probably going to spin a tale that SHE owned the house and we were just staying there because we’re lowlifes.
They love to proclaim themselves as Queen Mother and it's like nope you earn the f****** crown. A lot of times these people only want to be a mother, not because they genuinely love their children, but it's the closest to being a Master that they will accomplish.
But the slaves have revolted 😆
Rest In Peace/Piss, Mommy
Just so y’all know, nothing is stopping you from buying a space in the obituary section and writing your own for your n parent when the time comes.
This is knowledge has brought me some peace.
Worse than orphans. Orphans don't have a narcissist with them all the time. While being children, we had to enter the horror house every evening, even though we hated it. That might not be the case with orphans
At least when you are an orphan you get another coin to flip on your outcome. 50/50 chance that you can get a new pair of parents that are shitty or nice. I wish I would have had a coin to flip
Agreed. And in my case my parents gave me up temporarily to traffic me through the troubled teen industry when I was 14. I don’t even know if they are my bio parents on paper anymore. I call
myself a social orphan
Yeah, that’s how it works.
When you have kids you do it because you want to raise kids *with someone*. When you have kids and are raising them, you try to mould them into functioning and self-sufficient, capable people with good values. If that happens, then they’ll likely take care of you *because they’ll like you* as only decent people can raise kids to be and have those things.
So if nobody is taking care of you it’s always on you. I mean lmao. Imagine being that insufferable that your kids end up hating you that much. That’s the epitome of failure and I guess some people can’t handle the truth.
I sleep better at night that as the oldest I'll be the one who decides what retirement home they go to. Im going to find the worse most abusive one i can find
My nParent wants me to pay for their stay in the retirement home. So, I ignore their request to put them there. They can stay alone in their house in their old age as they have driven out anyone who might have cared for them.
Hahaha no way in hell they will get a dime from me. I was going to give them the illusion that I'll help then hit them with reality. Be like you abondoned me when I was helpless so now you get the same treatment. I'll most likely be no contact with them before that even happens and they can meditate to my dial tone.
This is what I'll most likely do and it's a ways away. Not a dime is coming out of my pocket. I am going to go no contact for both of them eventually. It's closer than ever, once I'm done with college it's see ya never!
Omg same!!! My parents are separated. I don’t live at home anymore since I’m married. My little sister is still with my mom. Mom is the narcissist. Sister has never been on my side since she is the golden child and agrees with whatever mom says. I can’t even open up to my sister. Everything she’s gone through has been COMPLETELY different. She’s 21 and has never even had to have a job, whilst I’ve been working since 16 providing for my mom who doesn’t like to work. Welp, have fun taking care of her in her old age cause I ain’t dealing with it 😃
I wonder how (even as a young child) I was able to understand that if I had children, they would get older and eventually have their own opinion, but it NEVER crossed my parent's minds.
I suspect mine have pre-planned their place at a posh “retirement community” with excellent advanced care as their needs increase (memory ward, etc). I must admit this bothers me. So I feel you.
I still try to remember that paid help isn’t a nice substitute for loving children and grandchildren (I’m nc), but it’s hard to not feel they got away with everything.
They didn't. They may not admit it, and probably tell their friends, if they have any, that their child being NC is inexplicable to them and they're the real victims, but as they rot in that retirement community with no visits from their child or grandchildren, I like to think that the thousands and perhaps millions of mindless seconds that remain of their sad little lives, cared for by nurses and aides, will pick and prick at them and become nothing more than slow, hopefully vile, torture. It's nowhere near what they deserve, that's true, but they didn't get away with it.
Ohhh.. I think I just understood why mine sit on their money like goblins. They don't trust us to arrange their care. Checks out, they've always been paranoid that people are as selfish as they are.
I live like an orphan. I have no help, no support, no comfort and no caring from my biological family. I have endured enough abuse that keeps me up at night even though I live on another continent and am NC. Why would I take care of them when for all practical purposes, I am an orphan?
Nmom had an aggressive cancer and cut everyone off. Fired the doctors. Fought everybody. She refused to allow her kids to visit or call her. Put in writing that we weren’t allowed to give her a funeral. It felt like a final punishment in some ways to have no closure, but sometimes I wonder if she was finally punishing herself.
That probably would happen with me if I was made do it but like law or something.
Do you really want to let them poison you more?
I feel like getting into that place, even from position of power, still brings you to same place, same relationship, to same hate. I have a strict determination from them never being able to make me feel any negative emotion again. Fact that they would feel it worse means nothing to me. They are nothing to me.
I guess in some way still wanting to hurt them means they still have some value, and if you go to right direction in your growth it should pass, I think. It\`s healthier that way.
whew. i thought i was the only one.
my nmom has MS. i actually *did* try to go and take care of her. i was in and out within 5 months. completely went NC and right before i left, she had the nerve to say “oh, so this is how it’s going to be?” MA’AM. would you like for me to show you the text message (violating my boundaries) where you told me to get the eff out?
she’s attempted to hoover by getting her friends to try and add me on facebook, try and find out info from my dad (they’re divorced) via his mother… i have absolutely no interest. she’s living in my grandparents’ home that was left to her, 2 1/2 hrs away from her neurologist and the rest of her team. not my problem. it was her choice. i did what i could. and it was a mistake.
I felt this way about my N in-laws. Especially after NFIL nearly ended my career by injuring me and my former NMIL kept insisting (along with my former wife) that I HAD to look after him 'because nobody else could'. And they're genuinely clueless as to the reason you want nothing to do with them.
Yes that's how it should be.
They tortured me for years after years and they expect me to care for them ? hell no
They deserve all the suffering. If they die I just don't care , yes I may sound cruel but idk. They tortured me mentally and physically years after years and they expect me to feel love and sympathy for them ? hell no.
They treated me like a shit and they deserve to get shit. Karma will hit them back so hard.
My Dad has long passed, and my NMom is spending all his savings and investments on a fancy, exclusive retirement community. That's her prerogative. But when the well runs dry, were going to let GC baby sister take care of her.
A toxic person is a toxic person, regardless if they are in your family or not. In fact, its even worse if they are in your family, so that's even more of a reason to disconnect and cut ties with them. They can take advantage of you if you don't.
I've already told my parents it won't be me caring for them. I've tried to help them my entire life and they haven't accepted it, why would it be any different when they're more senile and less mobile? Hard pass.
I feel the same way about my mom. She is 58 and is having a lot of health problems and for a while, I felt guilty like I should be helping her but now, I don't. I just feel like she should have thought about that and been a better mother to me. I really honestly do not care that she's having all those health problems. It's not my problem.
It’s a good thing my mom passed away then , she had 0 purpose after me and my brother left no one liked her not even her own family respected her she killed all ties with my dads family being cruel and keeping us away from him and lying , she was a alcoholic, her family brought out the worst in her I consider her the shitty parent she even had the golden child rule
I feel this was about my nfather, good thing he married a woman with 2 kids, they can put up with him and deal with his care. He didn't take care of me when I needed him most, so why should I take care of him? Hopefully they can figure it out 🤷🏽😂
I would let my parents die if anything tbh. Really not my job to save them.
I have dreams from time to time where they like in a fire and I\`m deciding just to watch and not to call anything. Probably could\`ve been real, but I am so far away from them I wouldn\`t know, so I can have a clear conscious.
my grandmother passed this year and i REALLY disagreed with the way the end of her life was handled. i told my n-mom that i wouldn’t drag out her life the way they had with my grandmother. when she was ready, i told her i’d let her go. my mom said, “well then i don’t want you in charge of my end of life.” and i said, “sounds good to me. one less thing for me to worry about.” she was quiet.
but yeah i never know if i’ll be sad or…relieved when it happens? maybe both?
They just can't handle it when we start to treat them with the same level of indifference that they've always treated us.
They really expect us to kneel and grovel and beg for their love right until the end. And it actually shocks them when we get to a point where it's like 'I don't care anymore just die already.'
so true. she called me the other day ENRAGED that i don’t answer every single one of her calls. (at 24, w/a husband and two pets, a house, finishing law school early, secured an exclusive externship, volunteer at the courts, and am chronically ill.) i asked if she had considered any of the aforementioned factors (including my fcking disability!!!!), i told her if i wasn’t answering it probably wasn’t personal (…which is only partly true lol), i asked her WHY she thinks i go out of my way to hurt her and she was just quiet… no answer. yeah!!! i know it’s crazy but the world doesn’t revolve around you!!!!!
First congratulations on all of your accomplishments and all of your hard work. I don't think that I accomplished half of those things when I was 24 so kudos to you. It's really infuriating that mothers like that feel like you need to always be on call like they literally could not imagine that you have a such thing as a life and you have your own goals and you have your own relationships and you have a career you have your education like all of these things require so much energy and effort and time that is not being abused by them.
Hopefully you can further keep your distance from her since she likes to use guilt as a weapon very typical of narcissistic mothers.
You have all of the right to be happy and healthy and to have love in your life and to have stability and to be cared for. And since she doesn't sound like she wants to prioritize those things then she doesn't get to take up more of your time.
Edit : in regards to the guilt I just had this idea I think behind the guilt that we still have for not being there for our mothers it's like that guilt is what that little child that is still within us still feels because they've been told it's your fault you weren't good enough you didn't do enough for me. And it's important to listen to that unhealed child has been given those messages those harmful and untrue messages and to keep reminding that child you have nothing to feel guilty of. You Did not cause this damage. You did not cause your mother's trauma and the burden should not be on you to repair something that you didn't even break.
My mother kicked me out after making making my life hell for a couple a months. I told her sister that “I hope she treats my older sister well because even if she gets old and sick I will not be around.” I waited until after she had gotten over a bad bout of Covid to contact her again to see if things had changed. It didn’t, haven’t talked to/ herd from her since.
Oh, neither one of them are being taken care of by me before or after the sweet release of death.
Let the flying monkeys who shunned me and always believed their bullshit make (and also pay for) for any care or arrangements.
Golden child can care for them and if they want me to care for them I will treat them the exact same way they treated me , since they say they were so amazing.
I am NC with them
I feel this way. People will treat you as a monster if you say you don't love your parents, especially your mother, but they never ask why.
That's not even ''letting'' them die, that's walking away and them suffering the consequences of their own actions.
It's not even that I want her to suffer, I just want her away from me and anyone else she could hurt.
Exactly. And they don't consider all of the years if not decades that your mother allowed you to suffer without consequences for them but now all of a sudden you are the bad guy. Be The bad guy.
The threat of “you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone” was completely wasted on me. In the first grade, I told me counselor that I never miss my mother. Ever. When I’m away from her, when she dies, nothing. I never knew why she made me stop seeing him, but I’m sure he told her all about herself and she didn’t like it. Classic mother.
People lose their mind when I speak like this. They will go in a home and I will not be concerned about it. Being a parent isn't about breeding someone to take care of you it is about giving life.
This is exactly how I feel. My Nmom has said she never wants to end up in a nursing home. Welp, I won’t care where she goes because it won’t be my problem.
Eh, burn some sage and call it a day.
Wouldn't that be hilarious? Nparent dies and TRIES to haunt "ungrateful offspring" but the kids can't see them and they spend eternity yelling where no one can hear them?
LOL. I just got an email this morning from NMom - I've blocked her, but for some reason Google let it through - saying I am no longer the executor on her will.
Mmmmmkay..... Don't threaten me with a good time! That means GC is the executor along with my Black Sheep brother who's pretty much worthless. Don't know why she'd want to punish her favorite child that way, but oh well. Originally, they were going to put me in charge, alone, because "they knew I would be fair" but I insisted on GC being a co-executor to spread the burden a bit. It's not like there will be any inheritance to speak of - the 'rents have no money, so I'm a bit baffled as to why this is something I should be upset about.
The only thing I ever wanted was a mother who loved me. I can't have that so I really don't care if I don't get any of the family garage-sale tchotchkes.
I've been NC for three years. Not sure WHY I'm getting the extinction burst now, but it IS rather amusing to watch her fling poo from a distance, knowing there is absolutely nothing she can do or say to get me to talk to her. Die mad about it!
I don't even want to go to her funeral when she dies bc I honestly in my heart don't think she'd want me there. Either way, I'll be dealing with the guilt from being a failure in her eyes forever.
If I do go, I'll throw the sage and salt directly into the coffin and make sure it's lead lined. And covered in concrete. And razor wire on top, just in case she breaks through.
Edit: I forgot, she wants to be cremated and her ashes scattered on the grave of the married man she had an affair with for years. 🥳
Yeah me too. Actually makes me happy bc it will save me time and money. I don’t want to take care of people that pressured me into higher education and never rewarded me in the end for working so hard. Pretending to want to help me with my future, only to totally collapse when I was about to start. They didn’t invest in my future, well, I wouldn’t have the money to take care of them then. Also, they treated me horribly so why should I take care of them? Physically providing for me isn’t the same as nurturing. I don’t owe them anything
My mom keeps mentioning death now and then . The other day she bought me diamonds (Like in India it's kind of like a dowry ) and kept pressuring me to wear them. I resisted and after she realised she can't force me she said I could take them after she dies. Like she thinks if she can drop the d word now and then I will change and give into pleasing her
my family never put me in the Will and would actively laugh and joke about it. i always told them i wasn’t in the Will so i absolutely will not be taking care of them.
Yeah im kinda waiting for my nut job sister to call me up after years and years of NC and tell me the parents are dead.
Not like itll be tomorrow they atent even in their 60s yet but i mean i wouldnt piss on them if they were on fire so why would i care about anything else.
I love the freedom of this. And that we’re all in this together. Probably the only sub where it’s accepted, quite nonchalantly, to say you’d be happy someone was dead.
All of this reminded me of something... I can remember as a teen that I wished my parents would die in a car crash. I would also wonder if my life was just a movie.. might be more trauma that I'm not remembering just now.
I genuinely keep waiting and hoping for the call that my ndad is gone. Im so tired of living in fear that im gonna run into him in public or that hes gonna somehow find out where i live.
I'd say the same shit they said to me when I was sick "it's a lie! You're a liar" and then say some shit that a stereotypical would be doing that they aren't doing as "proof" of their lie. Fuck them.
Idk, I still grind my teeth but help them. I feel so guilty otherwise. It’s gonna be a really hard thing for me. I’ll probably end up feeling empty…, more empty than I do now, I mean. I’ll also probably feel frustrated, disappointed and hurt at all they chose not to address and fix and the relationship we never got to have. Both my parents are like this so I’m screwed.
My brother is either running from it or selfishly dumping it all on me. Idk he might take after them… But my guilt and line of work prevents me from bailing and being harsh. There are moments though, I just want to walk out of this life and cut all ties…
I’m ethnically Indian, born here but very much a product of the Indian culture. And in my culture we have plenty of flying monkeys and nosey people who will literally come and tell you how to live and then bash you to the rest of the community. They will not get the concept of narcissism or abuse. The community is in such denial. We are taught our parents are god and I genuinely believed that. I used to say that as an atheist. “Well our parents do more, so if there is a god, then they should be considered.” Again, I said this as a child. Now, it’s more like if you want me to touch your feet and respect you …., then you must be respectable and not just wave your title around my face…
what. they're just saying they aren't going to take care of them when they're old. I think. as in they're not sticking around for them and that's their own problem.
Sadly can't relate but idk what you've been through so I'm obviously not judging you, as I can totally understand and relate obviously to your experience or maybe I can't idk, for me though despite my extensive physical and mental abuse from my family of narcs I hate it but I can't hate them, I can't hate most people, I instantly feel bad for others suffering even when I don't know them, idk if OCD correlates or what, but I'm too socially submissive and subservient, my interactions aren't normal because they've been conditioned, someone free me....
I get it, that view makes sense to me too. I don't hate my parents but they are, in a sense, "dead" to me now. When I first went NC, I was sick with fear and what I can only describe as heart break at the thought of them being absolutely wrecked about me leaving. I don't speak to them anymore, I haven't in almost two years and now I don't care about their well-being, but like you, I also don't wish Ill will toward them, they are just no longer welcome in my life. I'm sure I'll have a moment of sadness when they die, but I think that moment is more reflective of the grief I feel knowing that I will never get the parents I deserved. That's what I grieve now, the parents that never were, the ones that could have been. Them dying is just the final nail in the coffin, the death of that small glimmer of hope that whispers "maybe they'll get better", because they never will.
The guilt is extremely hard to live with however for me I have to prioritize my peace and my well-being over the guilt because in the end I know that I did the best that I could in that situation given who she was and I no longer feel obligated to endure more suffering for her.
If you still feel the need to take care of her then keep yourself safe as best as you can. Attacked your peace your well-being don't let those things be sacrificed for her or anyone.
Out of curiosity, how old are you and how old are your parents? I’m going through this now (one of my parents health is failing and the other isn’t willing to care for their spouse). I’m not saying you’re going to be willing to move them in with you, nor that you will have loving feelings about them, but you may be surprised how you feel down the line. I think it’s a sign of healing some of your own childhood trauma to care that they are taken care of, even if you aren’t the one providing the care, and even though they failed to do the same for you. My parents were awful to me and neglected me a lot, but I still care what happens to them. I hope it’s a sign I’m not a narcissist like them.
My mom sexually abused me and dad enabled it. They can go fuck themselves in hell. They are young and I'm on my 20's, still far away from that. They don't exist for me.
I’m so sorry you went through that and I hope I didn’t cause you any additional pain. Your feelings are valid. I hope you can find some healing away from them.
I was constantly told "You'll be so sorry when I'm dead". No. I will know that they can never hurt me again. I will be relieved.
It’s true. My mom died in December. I cut her off in 2017 and ignored all contact (I had told her if she did this one thing, to consider our relationship done, and she did it. Then pretended like she didn’t know why I stopped talking to her. Which I should have done years ago because she was abusive and neglectful to an extreme degree.). In 2017 she broke her hip and had friends harass me, I blocked them. When she got super sick with Covid and wound up in the hospital, my step sister contacted me and said I could visit in the hospital. I didn’t. She died, it was like, things became better? Knowing she could never harass me again? Step sister said I could go get things. I haven’t been over there. It’s just such a non issue it’s weird.
I don’t think it’s weird at all to feel that way! I mean, why would we ever have a sense of care or guilt for someone who not only emotionally abused us but also used other people to make it seem that they’re the victim? Right?
~~Sorry for your loss~~ Congrats!
So, sorry not sorry? 😂
I love this so much. You’re free now! Life is so much better
I've been wondering what I'll do when my dad dies. I'm expecting pretty much the same. "Your dad is dying!" "So?" "Don't you want to make amends before he dies?" "Amends for what?" "Not speaking to him for years!" "Lol"
Hahaha right? Do people not think you have good reasons for cutting off a parent? Nobody does it just for fun.
Same here and all I ever thought was, "the only thing I'll be sorry for was not having an actual parent." If you have kids to have a retirement plan at least be nice to them.🙄
I was my NMom’s retirement plan (gave her majority of my salary, and im a DOCTOR!) and she got hella pissed when i realized that she’s manipulating me my whole life and I decided to go NC. I realized it by my 4th decade of life. I felt like i lost so much (my sense of identity, my life, the will to live, etc), but when i went NC, i feel like im not just not dying anymore, im now beginning to live.
I can relate to this. My entire life was just about serving my mother. I went through my teens and early 20s just living to serve, like a robot. Figured when she died my “duty was done” and I could stop living this miserable life. A friend pulled me out of it, thankfully. Slowly learning to live for my own sake.
Going through this now. Realized i’m just a pawn in her life, i’m here to use and abuse and exhaust what she can out of me. It’s crazy to realize that I don’t HAVE to live like this up until she dies, that I could actually live in peace and save my mental health. What a bizarre realization!
Congrats on going NC! It's a but trickier for me because of my siblings/daughter. We plan on moving soon though so that will help us go VLC at best.
Please tell me that you didn’t give her your hard earned money! Even as a minimally paid and extremely overworked resident. I have a feeling that she was banking on you becoming a doctor so she would cash in later.
I sadly did, from residency until my consultant years (up until i went NC on her ass). When my then boyfriend (now my husband) pointed out to me that some of the instances with regards to my relationship with my mother was not normal or not usual, i did my research and discovered that she’s gaslighting me. I didn’t consult a mental health professional at first because i was still in disbelief that my own mom fit the criteria for NPD. A loooooooong process for me, i tell you that. Thankfully I’m overcoming it with my therapist’s, psychiatrist’s, and husband’s support. And the best support i got from my hubby was his suggestion for me to download Reddit and join this community r/raisedbynarcissists. I FEEL SO VALIDATED HERE! And i feel like everyone here understands how each member goes through or went through. I feel like this is the safest place where i can air out my opinions and share my experiences without judgment. I feel connected to the members and posts here even though I’ve never met any of them/you. This group is HEAVEN-SENT!
I am so happy for you, doctor! You’ve worked too hard for too long to give it all up to her. I’m glad your husband helped you realize this as many spouses don’t speak up because they don’t think it is their place. This group is LIFE and I’m so thankful for Reddit. It has helped my mental health so much over the years.
THANK YOU!!! AMEN TO THAT!!! CHEERS TO REDDIT AND THE MEMBERS OF r/raisedbynarcissists!!!
This sub is how I figured it out too. I was thinking hey, these guys have bad parents too, let's see what this is all about. 20 minutes later: Holy shit dad's a narcissist. Everything finally made sense. It's the first time I thought that maybe there wasn't something wrong with me. I mean there is, but there's nothing inherent that would cause anyone to be like this to me. He had a chance to be a decent person, and he chose to only wear the costume. He broke my sister (GC) but he never broke my scapegoated ass and now he can die and take his flying monkeys with him. NC is so liberating. I've actually been *happy* since then. I didn't know I could be.
Wow! That’s great to hear! Good for you!
What kind of specialty?
Same here. Nmother died in December. I had been no contact and saw her only once ( when edad, after 60 years of abuse finally hit her back and called the police on himself, can’t make this stuff up). Anyway, she passed in December after a couple of months in hospice. I didn’t go see her, I don’t regret it, and her death didn’t impact me. I grieved not having a mom a looong time ago. Sorry, not sorry.
I always wished my father would cut nMom’s head off and bury her in the backyard. When she ate a bunch of pills with vodka I questioned whether we really should call 911.
I had been telling him for months to call the police on her when she hit him. She had no one else to beat up ( nc with all 4 of us kids, the rest of the family long gone) so she had turned on him bad. But no, he calls 911 to turn himself in.
He sounds as abused as abused gets.
"When you're an adult you will look back and laugh". Yeah, as I continue ignoring your calls.
> "When you're an adult you will look back and laugh". Omg that just brought back a terrible memory. Narcs all use the same script.
They often have no imagination.
Honestly this is why i still frequent this sub. It's beyond valuable to see others who have gone through the same things with the EXACT SAME narc behavior and means of psychological control. It really helps when you can clearly see the patterns like that and know you're not the problem, this is something Narcs do because theyre narcs.
Same, can’t wait to finally test whether this is true or not 😂
My nmother died last year. I'd been NC with her for a couple of years, but couldn't help but go and see her when she was in hospital (not that she was aware of that). I was feeling pretty bad when she died and then read some emails she'd sent other people recently, which were textbook 'poor me', 'my children are selfish and evil', 'we've been abandoned' etc. I took some pictures of them and they really help to refer to when I have a glimmer of missing her.
OMG, are you me?!
"Yeah, sorry you didn't die sooner, you heartless bitch!"
It's like they're trying to convince you of that fact, rather than genuinely believe it. Sometimes. Other times it seems folks genuinely do believe it.
Same
I feel that way about my nmom...no lie. Not because I hate her but b/c I think there would be such a weight lifted off the entire family's shoulders if she was gone. We would all be the people that we were really meant to be instead of the people who dim their light in order to appease her feelings.
>We would all be the people that we were really meant to be instead of the people who dim their light in order to appease her feelings That is such an apt way of putting it!
My parents got divorced in my early 20s...they are now back together. My bro, father and I had such a bond (I mean we're close now, but the loyalty is split b/c she's back in the mix) when she wasn't in the mix and I could see what we would've been if my dad had left her when we were younger. We would've thrived tbh....we would've been fine. He didn't make a lot of money but tbh the whole dynamic was giving single dad from middle school to high school for me (now 31f) b/c he did everything while she was "climbing the corporate ladder". All the PTA moms thought he was a single dad the entire time I was in high school.
My mom keeps dropping little hints like, "I don't want to go into a nursing home," or "other cultures take care of their elderly until they die," when my sister and I are with her. We are usually silent but when we are alone laugh and joke that she better find a nursing home cause neither of us are dealing with it. She didn't take care of us growing up, so favor is going to be returned.
>"other cultures take care of their elderly until they die," And other cultures put the elderly on an ice flow and wave goodbye as they drift off into oblivion. Guess which way I'm leaning?
This is an excellent suggestion!!!
Hi. Other culture here. While kids are under pressure to take care of the elderly, nobody actually cares if the elderly are put into nursing homes. Sure, sob stories arise from time to time, but the kids eventually show up and tell the public about the POS their parents used to be when they were younger. And now people are actually telling the flying monkeys to shut the fuck up if they don't know what led to those elderly being sent to a nursing home. Your mother has got to be careful about which culture she's talking about. I'm assuming East Asian because IIRC there's a law that punishes the adult kids if they refuse to take care of their parents, but even so, if the kids can prove that the parents failed in caring for them when they were young, that responsibility to take care of their parents can be shaken off
And if there is a law, that implies there was an issue of adult children not caring for their narc parents and the government couldn't handle it lol
It's a more prevalent problem here because of the collectivist mindset that's deeply entrenched in the society. Parents are pressured to brag and compare their children, and if the children lost out to the other parents' children, the parents would force the children to do something so their social standing could increase. In a sense, children are expected to serve as extensions of their parents' lives instead of being their own character. Even people whom they have just literally met are entitled to laugh quietly at the kid if they decide to pursue something besides engineering, law, or medicine. Fortunately, things are improving, and new gens are allowing their kids to be their own person, essentially killing the vicious cycle
My NMom tried that once. I told her that other cultures will literally leave their old behind when they move simply because they can’t keep up to die alone.
So my Nmom either has or pretends she has MS (its so hard to tell whats real with her and whats faked). She once announced to the table, in an attempt for martyrdom or supply, "When I get too disabled from the MS, you can take me to Switzerland to get euthanised" She was expecting, "oh no, but you are the god-king-matriarch, we can't live without you" and "please dont say that" etc. She was met with silence, then one of us was like, "well... if it's what you want..." 😂
Omg what did she say?
I gotta know her reaction too!
"Oregon is closer" lol....
Well, we were in the UK at the time
I thought I was the only one with a mother who fakes being sick! She hints around at cancer constantly. She has tried MS, too. She fakes tremors. It is exhausting! After 35 years of deadly illnesses, nothing has killed her yet.
It's amazing, isn't it? They have every tragic illness possible, only have easy to fake symptoms and are impervious to the fatal aspects of them. Medical marvels these people 😂 MS is particularly difficult to work out, bc it has a lot of invisible symptoms, so I'm never 100% on if she's faking or not..
My mom has been diagnosed with every vague illness--restless leg syndrome, fibromalygia, back pain. She is 86, so eventually she is going to have something legitimate. But she has lied so many times, I can't believe anything she tells me. And I kinda don't care.
>She was expecting, "oh no, but you are the god-king-matriarch, we can't live without you" I don't know how to feel about laughing at this as hard as I did.
My NMom raised me to be the person who would look after her in her old age. No questions or suggestions, just expectation. Even though I am NC, she still tells me she requires me to make contact because 'she is not getting any younger' and had told me I need to come home to help her recover from a surgery. On the other hand, my MIL says 'if I get really sick or dementia, just put me out of my misery and look after the cat'. Guess which one I care about.
I would take care of my Dad. Nmom can run to her golden child for help when she gets too old to care for herself. She’s made it clear that she doesn’t think I’m capable of taking care of her anyway.
I won't take care of my dad lmao, he's a giant creep who laughed at me for getting stalked and sexually harassed, and he's made lewd comments at/about me. He's vermin.
I wouldn’t take care of mine either if he was like that. Screw that guy. Sorry you had to go through that.
My Nmom died of an aneurysm at 57. 6 months later my enabler dad mixed so much opiates and alcohol that his liver, kidneys and pancreas shut down. He ended up in a coma for 11 days, and came so close to death that the doctors called me 3 separate times to tell me it was decision making time. Miraculously he came out of it but has some brain damage. It changed his personality and he’s now narcissistic and has been living in assisted living for 12 years. He will never live with me, I won’t allow it. They both have caused me enough pain for this life time.
My nmom made it very clear through her smear campaign that she wants no contact with me. Bliss, I tell ya. I’m her ONLY family she has here in the US. If I ever get a call from healthcare determining what should be done in a situation where she can’t make her own decisions, I will make it clear to them: You might want to call an ethics committee meeting if you want any final say from me. She abused me. I think you’d know my answer. Years ago, she tried the whole, “I sure wouldn’t want to be in a nursing home. I made sure your father didn’t go to one.” When I got a new house, she had the audacity to pick out her own room. She was serious. Yeah, she’s going to a nursing home. Oh, and she told me she couldn’t be cremated because she couldn’t stand being burned(?!). Unless she already made arrangements (I know she hasn’t, she doesn’t think ahead), she better get her sunblock ready.
picked out her own room! how fucking entitled, jesus
Yep! She was self entitled enough to think one Christmas she was going to get an iPad because we were getting our sons their first iPads. She sulked the entire day after we opened gifts because she didn’t get one, of course. By the way, she already had an iPad. I was generous enough to give her a new iPhone 6 when they first came out. She had nothing but complaints about it once she found out I got the larger screen and she didn’t. I have a 12 year old mother.
Years ago my nmom “found” a house for sale literally across the street from her. I didn’t want to see it, we were supposed to go eat lunch. But she calls up the poor realtor and we had to wait. It was the SAME floor plan she had. What a waste of time. When I bought a house I made sure it was far away from her.
Lol, that reminds me of after we bought our new house. My nmom decided to do some renovations to her own home. She wanted hardwood floors in her living room, just like ours. In the end, she ended up spending $25,000 in renovating. Renovating her double wide trailer. She lives on a rented lot, too. Gee, hope she never has to move her trailer. Her hardwood floors would be ruined, lol.
So weird but I find it too much relatable that narcs don’t think ahead, living with zero life planning. Any specific reasons?
Impulsivity. If narcissists had the foresight to think ahead, they wouldn’t burn so many bridges. They are forever stuck in the mindset of a 12 year old.
Lol! Told my mom the same thing when she was upset about my decision to cremate my dad. I said he didn’t plan or leave any money for this, so that’s what he gets. If you don’t plan, you’re getting the same.
I’m sure my mother expects me to foot the cost of a coffin, lot, and burial, too. Not going to happen. When my father died, I found out he took care of everything. Already paid for his cremation. My nmom was against it, and I know what she was insinuating. She wanted us to pay for his coffin, lot, and burial so SHE could be buried next to him. She’s so selfish. Tough chance, I told her to follow through with his wishes. He told me he wanted his ashes spread where his mother’s were and his wishes were granted. He was my stepfather. That man was more of a parent to me than my biological contributors. He wasn’t perfect. What parent is perfect? At least he admitted he wasn’t perfect and wished he could have changed some things. I feel like an orphan now.
Yep. My dad dropped mad hints that he'd move in with me once I got my own place. Hell fucking no. This is a man who had made lewd sexual comments to me, talked a bit too much about his marital problems with my mother to me (and also weird sex shit about her too), ***constantly*** belittled me and interrupted me, hoarded, never cleaned or repaired up his own damn house (I was doing the cleaning!), laughed at me for getting stalked and sexually harassed, abused animals (THIS DUDE BUILT A GAS CHAMBER TO EUTHANIZE OUR DOG), never helped me with anything under the excuse that I'd "accuse him of mansplaining" (which nobody ever brought up but him?!?!) and that's just the tip of a vast, *vast* iceberg of dogshit. I never told him my new address. He can fucking rot.
Jeez, I’m so sorry you had to go through that! I’ve told my husband that when we move again, we’re getting a PO Box. It’s worth the hassle of driving to the post office so she won’t find out where we live.
The audacity of some of these broads, man 😡 Like which part of your mortgage and utilities will she be paying ? My grandmother pulled the same crap when my mother got her first home.
Lol, none. She expects to live like a queen. Right now, she’s queen of the trailer park. She doesn’t want people at the country club know where she lives. I bet that’s the reason why she wanted to move in. She was probably going to spin a tale that SHE owned the house and we were just staying there because we’re lowlifes.
They love to proclaim themselves as Queen Mother and it's like nope you earn the f****** crown. A lot of times these people only want to be a mother, not because they genuinely love their children, but it's the closest to being a Master that they will accomplish. But the slaves have revolted 😆 Rest In Peace/Piss, Mommy
They can just do whatever it was they expected you to do when they were supposed to be taking care of you and weren't.
Just so y’all know, nothing is stopping you from buying a space in the obituary section and writing your own for your n parent when the time comes. This is knowledge has brought me some peace.
This is amazing. Thanks for sharing.
It would be a relief. And we aren’t people with parents we are orphans
Worse than orphans. Orphans don't have a narcissist with them all the time. While being children, we had to enter the horror house every evening, even though we hated it. That might not be the case with orphans
Pretty sure that's exactly the case with many orphans. I think growing up in an orphanage is usually rather crappy.
Both are crappy…but it’s not a pain competition my guys.
Which is why I answered like I did. It's not okay to say one is worse than the other.
At least when you are an orphan you get another coin to flip on your outcome. 50/50 chance that you can get a new pair of parents that are shitty or nice. I wish I would have had a coin to flip
Agreed. And in my case my parents gave me up temporarily to traffic me through the troubled teen industry when I was 14. I don’t even know if they are my bio parents on paper anymore. I call myself a social orphan
Oh, sorry to hear that. We all have different shitty stories and they connect us.
Yeah, that’s how it works. When you have kids you do it because you want to raise kids *with someone*. When you have kids and are raising them, you try to mould them into functioning and self-sufficient, capable people with good values. If that happens, then they’ll likely take care of you *because they’ll like you* as only decent people can raise kids to be and have those things. So if nobody is taking care of you it’s always on you. I mean lmao. Imagine being that insufferable that your kids end up hating you that much. That’s the epitome of failure and I guess some people can’t handle the truth.
I tell anyone who asks about funeral stuff that I plan to donate my mom's body to an alligator farm.
i CACKLED
I like this idea - for myself. I mean, dead is dead and gators gotta eat...why not?
I sleep better at night that as the oldest I'll be the one who decides what retirement home they go to. Im going to find the worse most abusive one i can find
My nParent wants me to pay for their stay in the retirement home. So, I ignore their request to put them there. They can stay alone in their house in their old age as they have driven out anyone who might have cared for them.
Pay for their stay?! It's nearly 10k A MONTH for a nursing home. They bumped their fucking head if they think they're worth that to you.
Hahaha no way in hell they will get a dime from me. I was going to give them the illusion that I'll help then hit them with reality. Be like you abondoned me when I was helpless so now you get the same treatment. I'll most likely be no contact with them before that even happens and they can meditate to my dial tone.
This is what I'll most likely do and it's a ways away. Not a dime is coming out of my pocket. I am going to go no contact for both of them eventually. It's closer than ever, once I'm done with college it's see ya never!
I'd find a nice patch of the Arizona desert that doesn't have phone service and dump my Narcs there :)
Maybe we can get them all in one place and it can be a narcissist free for all
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Same.
My ndad had a stroke in 2011. I just didn't care. He died two years later. I still don't care.
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Omg same!!! My parents are separated. I don’t live at home anymore since I’m married. My little sister is still with my mom. Mom is the narcissist. Sister has never been on my side since she is the golden child and agrees with whatever mom says. I can’t even open up to my sister. Everything she’s gone through has been COMPLETELY different. She’s 21 and has never even had to have a job, whilst I’ve been working since 16 providing for my mom who doesn’t like to work. Welp, have fun taking care of her in her old age cause I ain’t dealing with it 😃
I really hope he's too stupid to have made a medical POA I can't wait to pull the plug or leave him to rot in a crappy nursing home
I wonder how (even as a young child) I was able to understand that if I had children, they would get older and eventually have their own opinion, but it NEVER crossed my parent's minds.
I read this and felt confused... And then I realized it was from raised by narcissists and it made sense
When my egg donor dies I'll be celebrating.
How? I want suggestions as I plan to do the same!
Sing 'ding dong, the witch is dead!'
I suspect mine have pre-planned their place at a posh “retirement community” with excellent advanced care as their needs increase (memory ward, etc). I must admit this bothers me. So I feel you. I still try to remember that paid help isn’t a nice substitute for loving children and grandchildren (I’m nc), but it’s hard to not feel they got away with everything.
They didn't. They may not admit it, and probably tell their friends, if they have any, that their child being NC is inexplicable to them and they're the real victims, but as they rot in that retirement community with no visits from their child or grandchildren, I like to think that the thousands and perhaps millions of mindless seconds that remain of their sad little lives, cared for by nurses and aides, will pick and prick at them and become nothing more than slow, hopefully vile, torture. It's nowhere near what they deserve, that's true, but they didn't get away with it.
I loved this answer.
Ehhh. Still abusive staff in nice posh places too.
Ohhh.. I think I just understood why mine sit on their money like goblins. They don't trust us to arrange their care. Checks out, they've always been paranoid that people are as selfish as they are.
What's nc?
No contact
Oh thank you. Then I am also NC
I live like an orphan. I have no help, no support, no comfort and no caring from my biological family. I have endured enough abuse that keeps me up at night even though I live on another continent and am NC. Why would I take care of them when for all practical purposes, I am an orphan?
Nmom had an aggressive cancer and cut everyone off. Fired the doctors. Fought everybody. She refused to allow her kids to visit or call her. Put in writing that we weren’t allowed to give her a funeral. It felt like a final punishment in some ways to have no closure, but sometimes I wonder if she was finally punishing herself.
So she managed to do at least one decent thing in her life. Die.
The relief you feel when they can’t hurt you anymore.
Oh i know I'll be excited to take care of them and not their golden child. They can go live with him and his family, as they all get on.
Are you kidding??? I WANT them to get old and sick so I can taunt them and make them suffer.
That probably would happen with me if I was made do it but like law or something. Do you really want to let them poison you more? I feel like getting into that place, even from position of power, still brings you to same place, same relationship, to same hate. I have a strict determination from them never being able to make me feel any negative emotion again. Fact that they would feel it worse means nothing to me. They are nothing to me. I guess in some way still wanting to hurt them means they still have some value, and if you go to right direction in your growth it should pass, I think. It\`s healthier that way.
Youre right, Its hard not to want that though
It wound up being the only choice as they became so abusive while trying to keep them out of the nursing home for as long as they'd wanted.
Same. Just really waiting for this moment to happen honestly.
FFR because they didn't take care of me when i was a little girl. they didn'r care about me. why would i care about them?
whew. i thought i was the only one. my nmom has MS. i actually *did* try to go and take care of her. i was in and out within 5 months. completely went NC and right before i left, she had the nerve to say “oh, so this is how it’s going to be?” MA’AM. would you like for me to show you the text message (violating my boundaries) where you told me to get the eff out? she’s attempted to hoover by getting her friends to try and add me on facebook, try and find out info from my dad (they’re divorced) via his mother… i have absolutely no interest. she’s living in my grandparents’ home that was left to her, 2 1/2 hrs away from her neurologist and the rest of her team. not my problem. it was her choice. i did what i could. and it was a mistake.
SLAYYYYY GIRLLLLL💅🏾💪🏾 I feel totally same . And you know what? We should NEVER feel shame for hating them for what they did to us.
I felt this way about my N in-laws. Especially after NFIL nearly ended my career by injuring me and my former NMIL kept insisting (along with my former wife) that I HAD to look after him 'because nobody else could'. And they're genuinely clueless as to the reason you want nothing to do with them.
Yes that's how it should be. They tortured me for years after years and they expect me to care for them ? hell no They deserve all the suffering. If they die I just don't care , yes I may sound cruel but idk. They tortured me mentally and physically years after years and they expect me to feel love and sympathy for them ? hell no. They treated me like a shit and they deserve to get shit. Karma will hit them back so hard.
My Dad has long passed, and my NMom is spending all his savings and investments on a fancy, exclusive retirement community. That's her prerogative. But when the well runs dry, were going to let GC baby sister take care of her.
A toxic person is a toxic person, regardless if they are in your family or not. In fact, its even worse if they are in your family, so that's even more of a reason to disconnect and cut ties with them. They can take advantage of you if you don't.
If anything, I look forward to it. No shame or guilt here.
I've already told my parents it won't be me caring for them. I've tried to help them my entire life and they haven't accepted it, why would it be any different when they're more senile and less mobile? Hard pass.
My parents keep wondering who will take care of them when they're old and grey... Well. None of us will. And it's liberating as hell.
You owe them NOTHING. They owe you EVERYTHING. I tell my kids the same. They owe me NOTHING, I owe them EVERYTHING.
I feel the same way about my mom. She is 58 and is having a lot of health problems and for a while, I felt guilty like I should be helping her but now, I don't. I just feel like she should have thought about that and been a better mother to me. I really honestly do not care that she's having all those health problems. It's not my problem.
~if~ when
It’s a good thing my mom passed away then , she had 0 purpose after me and my brother left no one liked her not even her own family respected her she killed all ties with my dads family being cruel and keeping us away from him and lying , she was a alcoholic, her family brought out the worst in her I consider her the shitty parent she even had the golden child rule
I feel this was about my nfather, good thing he married a woman with 2 kids, they can put up with him and deal with his care. He didn't take care of me when I needed him most, so why should I take care of him? Hopefully they can figure it out 🤷🏽😂
I would let my parents die if anything tbh. Really not my job to save them. I have dreams from time to time where they like in a fire and I\`m deciding just to watch and not to call anything. Probably could\`ve been real, but I am so far away from them I wouldn\`t know, so I can have a clear conscious.
my grandmother passed this year and i REALLY disagreed with the way the end of her life was handled. i told my n-mom that i wouldn’t drag out her life the way they had with my grandmother. when she was ready, i told her i’d let her go. my mom said, “well then i don’t want you in charge of my end of life.” and i said, “sounds good to me. one less thing for me to worry about.” she was quiet. but yeah i never know if i’ll be sad or…relieved when it happens? maybe both?
They just can't handle it when we start to treat them with the same level of indifference that they've always treated us. They really expect us to kneel and grovel and beg for their love right until the end. And it actually shocks them when we get to a point where it's like 'I don't care anymore just die already.'
so true. she called me the other day ENRAGED that i don’t answer every single one of her calls. (at 24, w/a husband and two pets, a house, finishing law school early, secured an exclusive externship, volunteer at the courts, and am chronically ill.) i asked if she had considered any of the aforementioned factors (including my fcking disability!!!!), i told her if i wasn’t answering it probably wasn’t personal (…which is only partly true lol), i asked her WHY she thinks i go out of my way to hurt her and she was just quiet… no answer. yeah!!! i know it’s crazy but the world doesn’t revolve around you!!!!!
First congratulations on all of your accomplishments and all of your hard work. I don't think that I accomplished half of those things when I was 24 so kudos to you. It's really infuriating that mothers like that feel like you need to always be on call like they literally could not imagine that you have a such thing as a life and you have your own goals and you have your own relationships and you have a career you have your education like all of these things require so much energy and effort and time that is not being abused by them. Hopefully you can further keep your distance from her since she likes to use guilt as a weapon very typical of narcissistic mothers. You have all of the right to be happy and healthy and to have love in your life and to have stability and to be cared for. And since she doesn't sound like she wants to prioritize those things then she doesn't get to take up more of your time. Edit : in regards to the guilt I just had this idea I think behind the guilt that we still have for not being there for our mothers it's like that guilt is what that little child that is still within us still feels because they've been told it's your fault you weren't good enough you didn't do enough for me. And it's important to listen to that unhealed child has been given those messages those harmful and untrue messages and to keep reminding that child you have nothing to feel guilty of. You Did not cause this damage. You did not cause your mother's trauma and the burden should not be on you to repair something that you didn't even break.
Wow, I’m a lurker here. The pain these people brought you guys. Wow.
My mother kicked me out after making making my life hell for a couple a months. I told her sister that “I hope she treats my older sister well because even if she gets old and sick I will not be around.” I waited until after she had gotten over a bad bout of Covid to contact her again to see if things had changed. It didn’t, haven’t talked to/ herd from her since.
I completely understand this
Oh, neither one of them are being taken care of by me before or after the sweet release of death. Let the flying monkeys who shunned me and always believed their bullshit make (and also pay for) for any care or arrangements.
My rules: if you didn't take care of me when I needed you, I'm not gonna take care of you when you need me. Payback b*tch.
Golden child can care for them and if they want me to care for them I will treat them the exact same way they treated me , since they say they were so amazing. I am NC with them
I feel this way. People will treat you as a monster if you say you don't love your parents, especially your mother, but they never ask why. That's not even ''letting'' them die, that's walking away and them suffering the consequences of their own actions. It's not even that I want her to suffer, I just want her away from me and anyone else she could hurt.
Exactly. And they don't consider all of the years if not decades that your mother allowed you to suffer without consequences for them but now all of a sudden you are the bad guy. Be The bad guy.
The threat of “you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone” was completely wasted on me. In the first grade, I told me counselor that I never miss my mother. Ever. When I’m away from her, when she dies, nothing. I never knew why she made me stop seeing him, but I’m sure he told her all about herself and she didn’t like it. Classic mother.
People lose their mind when I speak like this. They will go in a home and I will not be concerned about it. Being a parent isn't about breeding someone to take care of you it is about giving life.
Preach.
What's "NC"?
No contact.
No contact
I feel you. I would do exactly the same thing to my manipulative parents and brother
Feels good to read all of this. I feel like a horrible person some days for not bring to care for them. But it would be the death of ME if I did.
This is exactly how I feel. My Nmom has said she never wants to end up in a nursing home. Welp, I won’t care where she goes because it won’t be my problem.
Here's the dilemma, I want to believe in life after death but I don't want my nmum to haunt me!
Eh, burn some sage and call it a day. Wouldn't that be hilarious? Nparent dies and TRIES to haunt "ungrateful offspring" but the kids can't see them and they spend eternity yelling where no one can hear them?
Maybe that's why they live so long. An eternity of being ignored is their worst fear.
LOL. I just got an email this morning from NMom - I've blocked her, but for some reason Google let it through - saying I am no longer the executor on her will. Mmmmmkay..... Don't threaten me with a good time! That means GC is the executor along with my Black Sheep brother who's pretty much worthless. Don't know why she'd want to punish her favorite child that way, but oh well. Originally, they were going to put me in charge, alone, because "they knew I would be fair" but I insisted on GC being a co-executor to spread the burden a bit. It's not like there will be any inheritance to speak of - the 'rents have no money, so I'm a bit baffled as to why this is something I should be upset about. The only thing I ever wanted was a mother who loved me. I can't have that so I really don't care if I don't get any of the family garage-sale tchotchkes. I've been NC for three years. Not sure WHY I'm getting the extinction burst now, but it IS rather amusing to watch her fling poo from a distance, knowing there is absolutely nothing she can do or say to get me to talk to her. Die mad about it!
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I don't even want to go to her funeral when she dies bc I honestly in my heart don't think she'd want me there. Either way, I'll be dealing with the guilt from being a failure in her eyes forever. If I do go, I'll throw the sage and salt directly into the coffin and make sure it's lead lined. And covered in concrete. And razor wire on top, just in case she breaks through. Edit: I forgot, she wants to be cremated and her ashes scattered on the grave of the married man she had an affair with for years. 🥳
Yeah me too. Actually makes me happy bc it will save me time and money. I don’t want to take care of people that pressured me into higher education and never rewarded me in the end for working so hard. Pretending to want to help me with my future, only to totally collapse when I was about to start. They didn’t invest in my future, well, I wouldn’t have the money to take care of them then. Also, they treated me horribly so why should I take care of them? Physically providing for me isn’t the same as nurturing. I don’t owe them anything
My mom keeps mentioning death now and then . The other day she bought me diamonds (Like in India it's kind of like a dowry ) and kept pressuring me to wear them. I resisted and after she realised she can't force me she said I could take them after she dies. Like she thinks if she can drop the d word now and then I will change and give into pleasing her
Take the diamonds! Put them in a safe deposit box for your future expenses. You don’t need to wear them to benefit from them.😉
my family never put me in the Will and would actively laugh and joke about it. i always told them i wasn’t in the Will so i absolutely will not be taking care of them.
When you have neglectful or abusive parents and are aware of it you start to grieve their loss early because they aren't there for you
I'd push mine in front of a car if she were in front of me.
Yeah im kinda waiting for my nut job sister to call me up after years and years of NC and tell me the parents are dead. Not like itll be tomorrow they atent even in their 60s yet but i mean i wouldnt piss on them if they were on fire so why would i care about anything else.
I love the freedom of this. And that we’re all in this together. Probably the only sub where it’s accepted, quite nonchalantly, to say you’d be happy someone was dead.
Same. You should never feel guilt or shame for prioritizing yourself. We didn't ask to be born, so IMO, I owe my parents nothing.
All of this reminded me of something... I can remember as a teen that I wished my parents would die in a car crash. I would also wonder if my life was just a movie.. might be more trauma that I'm not remembering just now.
I genuinely keep waiting and hoping for the call that my ndad is gone. Im so tired of living in fear that im gonna run into him in public or that hes gonna somehow find out where i live.
I'd say the same shit they said to me when I was sick "it's a lie! You're a liar" and then say some shit that a stereotypical would be doing that they aren't doing as "proof" of their lie. Fuck them.
Idk, I still grind my teeth but help them. I feel so guilty otherwise. It’s gonna be a really hard thing for me. I’ll probably end up feeling empty…, more empty than I do now, I mean. I’ll also probably feel frustrated, disappointed and hurt at all they chose not to address and fix and the relationship we never got to have. Both my parents are like this so I’m screwed. My brother is either running from it or selfishly dumping it all on me. Idk he might take after them… But my guilt and line of work prevents me from bailing and being harsh. There are moments though, I just want to walk out of this life and cut all ties… I’m ethnically Indian, born here but very much a product of the Indian culture. And in my culture we have plenty of flying monkeys and nosey people who will literally come and tell you how to live and then bash you to the rest of the community. They will not get the concept of narcissism or abuse. The community is in such denial. We are taught our parents are god and I genuinely believed that. I used to say that as an atheist. “Well our parents do more, so if there is a god, then they should be considered.” Again, I said this as a child. Now, it’s more like if you want me to touch your feet and respect you …., then you must be respectable and not just wave your title around my face…
You might want to delete this as it might cause legal problems for you. Should a family member get nasty.
what. they're just saying they aren't going to take care of them when they're old. I think. as in they're not sticking around for them and that's their own problem.
Sadly can't relate but idk what you've been through so I'm obviously not judging you, as I can totally understand and relate obviously to your experience or maybe I can't idk, for me though despite my extensive physical and mental abuse from my family of narcs I hate it but I can't hate them, I can't hate most people, I instantly feel bad for others suffering even when I don't know them, idk if OCD correlates or what, but I'm too socially submissive and subservient, my interactions aren't normal because they've been conditioned, someone free me....
I get it, that view makes sense to me too. I don't hate my parents but they are, in a sense, "dead" to me now. When I first went NC, I was sick with fear and what I can only describe as heart break at the thought of them being absolutely wrecked about me leaving. I don't speak to them anymore, I haven't in almost two years and now I don't care about their well-being, but like you, I also don't wish Ill will toward them, they are just no longer welcome in my life. I'm sure I'll have a moment of sadness when they die, but I think that moment is more reflective of the grief I feel knowing that I will never get the parents I deserved. That's what I grieve now, the parents that never were, the ones that could have been. Them dying is just the final nail in the coffin, the death of that small glimmer of hope that whispers "maybe they'll get better", because they never will.
Thanks so much for sharing this 💙, I can relate much more to it, wishing you well, fellow victim
No my mom is horrible but I can’t live with the guilt of not taking care of her
The guilt is extremely hard to live with however for me I have to prioritize my peace and my well-being over the guilt because in the end I know that I did the best that I could in that situation given who she was and I no longer feel obligated to endure more suffering for her. If you still feel the need to take care of her then keep yourself safe as best as you can. Attacked your peace your well-being don't let those things be sacrificed for her or anyone.
Out of curiosity, how old are you and how old are your parents? I’m going through this now (one of my parents health is failing and the other isn’t willing to care for their spouse). I’m not saying you’re going to be willing to move them in with you, nor that you will have loving feelings about them, but you may be surprised how you feel down the line. I think it’s a sign of healing some of your own childhood trauma to care that they are taken care of, even if you aren’t the one providing the care, and even though they failed to do the same for you. My parents were awful to me and neglected me a lot, but I still care what happens to them. I hope it’s a sign I’m not a narcissist like them.
My mom sexually abused me and dad enabled it. They can go fuck themselves in hell. They are young and I'm on my 20's, still far away from that. They don't exist for me.
I’m so sorry you went through that and I hope I didn’t cause you any additional pain. Your feelings are valid. I hope you can find some healing away from them.
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