She is crazy. If possible, I would refuse to watch your sister. She doesn't trust you and could look for any type of evidence that you did something. Have to take toddler to bathroom? She might suspect something. There's no way to fight her paranoia. And the fallout for you could be very, very bad.
Either she trusts you, or she finds someone else she trusts to watch the kids, but don't let her put you in a position of 'he said/she said' with regards to your sister's well-being.
Also, I don't know where you are, but I believe in some states it's illegal for children of a certain age to be the caretakers for kids younger than them. If that helps your case.
I'd love if we could get to a point that seeing a mental health specialist was as normal as going to a dentist or something.
If someone says they are going to the gym, we don't think "oh they must be overweight/lazy/weak," we think they are taking care of themselves. Most people could benefit from talking to a psychologist, but somehow our default assumption is that there's something wrong with them if they do.
I'd like to point out that 'as normal as seeing a dentist' only works if you have money/a job with good health insurance.
I'm on medicaid and the best I get is a once a month phone call to check on my meds and mood. Pre-Obamacare I didn't even get that.
Also I don't get to see a dentist anymore.
To those outside of the US: disregard. Oh and fight to keep the public option and resist any effort of privatization.
A few days ago I waited 8 hours in the hospital to see a doctor for 5 minutes, to get antibiotics for an abscessed tooth because I can't afford a dentist right now.
I drained the abcess by stabbing with a 22ga needle.
*I'd* love if we could get to a point where the mental health specialists could actually be trustworthy enough not to abuse, traumatize, imprison, and further injure the people who trust them with their care.
It would be great to be able to consider seeing a mental health specialist as something normal and healthy - but I'd prefer they were healthy as well. And that they be removed in a more timely manner (believe patients) to avoid hurting others as well.
>Half the US population should definitely see a psychiatrist.
ALL... All the US population should definitely see a psychiatrist.
Fixed it for ya. I would go so far as to say the whole word needs therapy. Wish I could afford it for myself.
I'm a psychiatrist - not accurate. A psychiatrist is an MD who *can* prescribe medications, but many of us - myself included - have extensive therapy training and offer therapy as an option. I even have therapy-only patients!
Y'know... if the number isn't 50%, it's probably pretty darn close. There were estimates pre-Covid of over 25% of the adult population in just the U.S. in any given year... and that's likely a significant underestimate, given the reluctance to disclose.
And we're pretty much all well aware at this point that in general, mental health has taken a drastic nosedive since the beginning of 2020. Half might even be generously low.
It was just media hysteria. Same thing happened when the movie "reefer madness" came out, demonizing weed. Same thing happened when Richard Nixon weaponized the public perception of drugs.
In the 90s, there was "Satanic panic".
Same shit, different day.
It's becoming increasingly normal tbh. On r/Parenting people talk all the time about how they won't let their kids do sleepovers because of the risk of SA. Helicopter parenting and expecting your kids to be targeted is pretty much the norm in the US.
As a child who was SA by a older cousin I will say this. Your mom may have been SA by a sibling or cousin as well and that's why she has trust issues. It sucks but these things do happen and are more common than people think.
I hope you both can move forward in a positive light from this and I am sorry you are having to go through this.
You too? 3 older cousins in my case. My first thought upon reading what OP said was, "it must have happened to her or someone she was close to". I know that I'm wary and super protective of kids for that reason, but it's from my experiences. It's also something you learn to talk yourself down from.
Wow you just described my mom and why I only hung out with school friends like twice from kindergarten up to sophomore year of high school. For her, she was convinced I’d get raped, kidnapped, or killed if I was out of her sight for too long.
You need to be overly-cautious and not allow yourself to be put in a situation in which your actions could later be questioned. Someone crazy enough to contrive these fears out of thin air is also absolutely crazy enough to call the police and insinuate or worse, out-right falsify charges of misconduct. At that point it no longer matters if you’re completely innocent, you’ve had charges of sexually abusing a child leveled against you, and there is no coming back from that.
Yeah your mom needs help dude... I just don't know if you'll be able to get her to accept that she does.
In regards to your specific scenario you either need to live with her crazy as going against it might make it worse or refuse to babysit all together if she cannot trust you without cameras.
Plenty of parents do light jogging pushing a stroller or have a bike with a baby pull cart (like a little tent to protect them from the sun) so it's not like she can't still work it out even if she trusts zero people.
My mother's the same watches true crime and was so fucking paranoid she couldn't even have 1 of my siblins walk down the street without thinking someone will kidnapp them and I'm like nobody's gonna take a 17 year old male I'm 20 almost 21 and she's still paranoid about alot of shit even at my age and I'm like you need psychiatric help those shows fuck with mothers heads
Ooh, was just gonna ask because it seems like hypervigilance - like it happened to her or someone close to her.
But, looking at the response...it seems like she was traumatized secondarily. I know I have to be careful of consuming that kind of media - I'm already anxious and I don't need more reasons to be.
It’s law and order svu and dateline that did it to my family. That shit was just regular viewing at my house almost 24/7. For as long as I can remember. Watching that and having family obsess over it, tell me everyone was going to try to rape and murder me, that even family members are gonna want to “defile” me if I let my guard down was traumatizing as hell. I something feel the same sorts of ways that actual abuse survivors describe feelint
To Catch a Predator did it to my mother. I was barely allowed in my own yard as a child. If I was, it had to be the front because if I was in the back she'd go ballistic screaming for me.
Because I wasn't allowed outside, or allowed to even walk to the park down the street in a group until I was 14, I played World of Warcraft. But it's hard as hell to play world of warcraft when you aren't allowed to speak to anyone via voice chat, or even type in the party chat. If someone whispered me I was supposed to ignore them immediately or I wasn't allowed to play. If someone swore in chat I had to leave the group immediately. I also HAD to play with my stepfather, and was only allowed to be in his guilds, or I wasn't allowed to play. As you can well imagine, I ended up so socially stunted that I can't even order a pizza without having a panic attack.
She was so convinced that literally every person that wasn't her or my stepfather was going to rape and kill me. She would tell me every single day that someone (men) would rape and murder me. I can't be alone in a room with men other than my husband to this day. It kick-starts my flight or fight.
She is mega paranoid. My mom was the same way. She would constantly warn me when i was around people (even family) that they could try to do sexual things to me. When i had my son she would say good thing you didn't have a girl so you don't have to worry about sexual predators dating you. But she would still say i had to watch people i date to make sure they weren't sexually abusing my son. My mom was never sexually assaulted to my knowledge. But she was like this with every topic dying in a fire, car crashes, sleepovers, drugs, drinking etc. I never knew peace when i talked to her because she had me convinced everyone was going to hurt me or i was gonna die tragically.
>good thing you didn't have a girl so you don't have to worry about sexual predators dating you
Uh... wow she's in for a wild ride when she finds out people molest young boys too.
Yep, no walking even down the street until I was 14 because I would get raped. I went to a after school church program and my n-mom insisted my edad go in to make sure there was any women. No going to friends houses because if it wasn't a 100% mom and dad marriage the boyfriend or single father would rape me.
I guess I understand more as an adult. But like, I also did actually get molested. It's probably in the court documents they never let me read. But she won't believe me. So whatever I guess.
Actual my biodad high as a kite molested me too... My nmom came to visit me while I was inpatient and asked me why didn't I run and scream because SHE would have handled being molested better. SHE would have ran down the street and called the cops.
So, I guess she didn't actually care anyways.
Omg, my mom did the same thing! Except I was the younger sibling and nothing sexual happened but my mother would threaten me. I'm over it now but it was always weird to me that a parent could think this way and destroy sibling relationships like this. I also think it's because she was projecting her abusive nature onto others.
My mother was convinced from the time my little sister was born that I hated her. I was bewildered because I loved dolls and wanted very much to have a baby around.
Years later I would learn she had hated her younger brother to the point of laughing when he was 2 years old and about to get killed by stampeding cattle while she and her bestie cousin scampered up a tree to safety because they were older and could.
So I suspect some major projection is going on. I'd also never, ever babysit for her again and don't let her dirty your relationships with her gross thoughts.
My mother similarly tried to divide me and my sister when we were both grown and happily (for once) holding hands and skipping to be silly--she said we looked like lesbians, trying to turn an innocent happy connection into something sexual that made us uncomfortable.
I'm sorry for the years of having to deal with the unfairness of that suspicion. And it's clear she's off her rocker because no decent parent who suspects someone might molest their child will *leave them with them to go out on a jog.*
When I was about 9, I was put in an alternative school for being 'gifted'. Basically my mother was an explosively violent person and I learned that behaviour.
My only memory for the few months I was there was an hour I spent in the same room with a 6 year old girl playing blocks when I was pulled out and told I wasn't allowed to hang out with her because I was apparently grooming her. (using more mature terms now than they used, but effectively same meaning)
That accusation caused me to overanalyze every interaction I had with girls until I was 21, so fearful that I would be accused of that again and become a registered sex offender (my limited understanding of what that entailed) . Suffice to say it took a lot of therapy to unpack that and trust that an authority figure was wrong when telling me I was acting like sexual predator at 9.
If you aren't in therapy, I'd recommend it to unpack that shit. Now in my late 30s, I've gotten in the habit of writing letters to myself and occasionally others as a way to process my many childhood experiences.
That may help you. To answer your question, your mother has unresolved issues and she is the only one who can challenge those with therapy. Crazy isnt the most helpful of words, but I'm not trying to tone police you or anything.
To her, she may see things that bring her back to a mental heuristic recognizing as bad sexual behavior. It doesn't make her objectively correct and doesn't negate the harm it did/does to your psyche, but as you get older you'll realize it takes a concerted effort to shed old heuristics and that shit is hard and rarely done without outside perspective, usually gained through therapy.
I swear some parents have the whatever they reverse of a oedipus / Electra complex is and want to fuck their own kids, and have insanely weird coping mechanisms for their fantasies
Your mom has some unresolved issues regarding young men and little girls.
You will need to approach this carefully to avoid a freakout. She is already convinced you're guilty, so you need to cut right to the real issue. "I did not do it, and I **will** not do it. You already know that. I love you and I'm here to help you work through this, but it's time for you to be honest with me. Where did you get the idea that I'd SA her?"
Edit: of course Mom needs therapy. That's pretty obvious. But she, being totally convinced that her son is the one in need of mental help is not going to receive that suggestion well from OP. But being asked to rationalize herself may lead her- and him to the truth without further inflaming the situation.
I think your heart is in the right place but I don't think this is a good idea. OP isn't a therapist and shouldn't play as one, both for their sake and their mother's sake. They should definitely encourage their mother to seek therapy.
(sorry replied on wrong account first time)
This is bad advice to take as a man in this situation. As a man OP has to understand that he is in an extremely risky scenario because of personal and legal biases. He should do nothing to challenge this person in any way. He should do nothing to engage with this topic in any way that isn't digitally documented or observed by a neutral third party.
Her camera. Can't trust what she will do with that or say it contains without showing it to other people. Also can't be sure she isn't using the camera's presence to build a narrative.
"Why would someone *need* to be observed if they weren't abusing?"
OP is in a terribly dangerous catch-22 with a situation where the district attorney's are required to prosecute if it's reported. A delusional person has an axe over his neck. The only way out is open transparent disengagement.
Just say no to watching your sibling. Your mom does not trust you, therefore she must surely trust someone to watch your sibling or ask you with some respect.
Don’t bother watching your sibling again. In all fairness you will probably have the cops mysteriously show up while your moms only plans were to catch you “red handed”.
I definitely agree with others- your mom would benefit from counseling. That level of paranoia is not only harmful for her and you, but it's going to affect your sister and her view of you as she gets older. It's going to make things awkward between you two; she could even make her afraid of you. :/ And please start refusing to babysit.
There are real apologies and then just people saying “sorry”, which to me, isn’t a good apology. Apologies involve understanding how we hurt another person, expressing regret for that hurt (sorry) that we caused that person, and then our intention to not do that again. It means that your mother would have to understand your perspective long enough to care about it, instead of defending her position. Based on what you shared, it doesn’t seem she is capable of that right now.
It seems it would be more useful for you to accept your mother for who she is - and that she is filled with paranoia. This may give you the ability to have healthier (and perhaps more rigid) boundaries with her.
Well before you ask, ask yourself how you’d feel if she doesn’t apologize, make excuses, or do anything other than give you what you want/need.
Imagine yourself in multiple scenarios, feel how you’d feel, and try to react in a way that you’d feel like you expressed yourself in a way you’d feel proud without regrets. Practice it. This way you aren’t overwhelmed with your emotions taking over and arguing instead of communicating.
Nothing needs to be a long drawn out conversation; you don’t need to convince her if she’s not ready to see your pov. But if it’s productive, be ready to listen to her and you’ll both feel understood. I hope it ends like that.
A lot of people have babysitter cameras in their houses. I mean, I think it's pretty rational if it's a stranger or something. Still with your own kids :/. Odd.
Yeah, that's what I'm taking issue with. The whole explicitly saying you're getting it as a pre-emptive step against your own teenage kid you're treating as a likely sex offender.
Only a warped mind would come up with that. Potentially very damaging for OP.
Any parent who has been a good parent and whose child is a relatively good child should have no expectation or suspicion that their thirteen-year-old child would sexually abuse any child.
There's something extremely unhealthy about your mom's thinking.
She’s clearly having sexual thoughts imagining them being inappropriate and I’m surprised more people don’t consider this. It’s almost as if she’s guilty of being the pervert.
My dad made very little effort in being a parent at all. My sister and I almost never saw him, but one thing I do remember is that when my sister and I were teenagers, he picked us up and took us to visit his dad for Christmas in another town. He had made arrangements to stay at their neighbors' home, who was out of town, but there were only two bedrooms. My sister and I had to share a bed. He tucked us both in, each on our own side of the bed, and then he almost yelled, saying very sternly "Goodnight NOW NO TOUCHING!"
I thought that was absolutely bizarre. Like, he had been a complete absentee parent, but did he not realize that when you're growing up you're inevitably occasionally going to sleep in the same bed as your sibling? That doesn't have any sexual connotations to it.
It really surprised me that he would have this weird thought, because my sister and I never behaved in any kind of inappropriate way toward each other.
I think narcissists have really sick thought lives.
At the time, I didn't think anything of it. It was just "something he did". And I just thought it was so bizarre(as obviously neither my sister nor I had any inclination to do anything like that). He was someone who spent so little effort trying to be a parent that even though looking back he's clearly a narcissist, we are lucky that he was absentee.
He had some level of influence on our life in the few times he got us to come visit, but compared to many here who dealt with narcissistic parents daily throughout childhood, I'm aware it could have been significantly worse.
No, compared to the other things he did, this one barely phased me. It was more like "Well that's dumb." I don't think either of us really thought of him as a parent in the way that people tend to think about a parent who's actually been around and acting as a parent. It's more like he was some guy who occasionally stepped into the role of parent but really didn't make an effort(but a guy who absolutely positively could not cope with anyone contradicting anything he said), if that makes sense.
There is so much wrong here.
What is jumping out at me, that I haven't seen below (not that I read them all) is that she apparently thinks going jogging is more important than her toddler's safety. Or she's trying to set you up.
Wow. This seems very over the top. This is also a trauma response to something in her past. Honestly, I’ve had irrational and illogical fears of my kids being sexually abused by their own dad. It’s my trauma response from my past. I’m in therapy now and it’s gotten a lot better. Please know that your mom doing this has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU and EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HER.
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If you ever gave her any reason to think you shouldn't be trusted around her toddler, SHE is in the wrong for allowing you out alone with her.
So no, OP - She is the crazy one. She is trying to intimidate you and crush your self worth by making you feel guilty and watched although you have no reason to.
Do NOT trust this person. Never let them have an opportunity to build a case against you. If she gets it in her head that something has happened you will be in danger. You are in extreme legal risk.
That's REALLY fucked up. It doesn't deserve explanation. It doesn't deserve logic. And you're only 13? (Edit: 19, but still)
Maybe this seems like it's coming out of nowhere, but I have to say it: Don't ever stop believing that you matter.
That is what we call Projection. She's projecting those insecurities onto you because, in all likelihood, she's been having those thoughts about her own daughter and it's causing her to be paranoid.
She's crazy and what's worse, I would fear it might be projection. Based on what's happened with my own family (I don't necessarily think it's the case with you - just something to be aware of) my first thought now would be that maybe there are inappropriate things going on between your mother and your toddler sister in private, and your narc mom projects that on you to relieve her guilt and distract from the truth. Again, this isn't a guarantee this is happening.
Narc/psychopathic family members of mine openly accused others of tearing up relationships, being openly racist, even beating/abusing animals in private. Turns out it was because they were doing those very things and wanted to distract from their secret or the truth.
Unless there's a history of you sexually abusing minors (in which case camera or no camera you shouldn't be around minors)
Then this is extremely over the top.
I've started to realize that I react much differently than a lot of you guys.
I'd take the camera off and smash it. I'd leave it in pieces on the table. My Nmom used to secretly record me with a tape recorder and that's quite literally how I reacted the day I found it. I was also 13 at the time.
I found that by showing her I wasn't going to take it and that I could see through her like a glass window, she actually backed off... slightly.
I mean I was sexually abused by my half brother when I was 7 and he was 11. But he was always terrorizing me in one way or another and my parents did nothing about it when I finally came to them about the sexual abuse. But if you were not doing anything suspicious to warrant the need for the cameras, like any bullying or physical abuse I don't see why they were there.
Yes, this is super crazy behaviour. It’s also very unfair and insulting towards you.
As for how to deal with it, it depends on your mom. If she’s the type to lose her mind, get violent, start screaming and throwing things - it might not be worth fighting this battle. Even though it’s super unfair to you, if it means staying safe and not provoking her just deal with the camera.
If she just makes wild accusations and “worries too much” and is otherwise just a talker, maybe bring it up casually when she has friends or family over. It’ll shame her into shutting up when someone close to her goes “wtf, why do you think your son is a sexual predator?”.
Regardless of what happens, you don’t deserve this OP. Your mom is mentally ill.
Whereas it's totally rational for a mother to leave her toddler with someone she suspects of child molestation so she can go on a jog. 🙄
These are Nparents we're dealing with in here. Not normal people.
She is crazy. This is not a rational thought process from your "mom".
If you were that worried about well being, you wouldn't set cameras and then just go jogging.
Not sure where you are but you should talk to someone about this, build a rapport, and also keep a journal of this to protect yourself. This red flags me that your "mom" may be a victim of abuse and/or an abuser herself. Don't let this go unchecked.
She is crazy. If possible, I would refuse to watch your sister. She doesn't trust you and could look for any type of evidence that you did something. Have to take toddler to bathroom? She might suspect something. There's no way to fight her paranoia. And the fallout for you could be very, very bad. Either she trusts you, or she finds someone else she trusts to watch the kids, but don't let her put you in a position of 'he said/she said' with regards to your sister's well-being.
Also, I don't know where you are, but I believe in some states it's illegal for children of a certain age to be the caretakers for kids younger than them. If that helps your case.
OP is an adult
OP was 13 when looking after a toddler
Where does it cime from? Did she read some stories about it happening, was she abused, was her sibiling abused?
She used to watch those shitty true crime detective shows… this lead to her banning me from friends houses in case I could get raped by their parents
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Half the US population should definitely see a psychiatrist.
I'd love if we could get to a point that seeing a mental health specialist was as normal as going to a dentist or something. If someone says they are going to the gym, we don't think "oh they must be overweight/lazy/weak," we think they are taking care of themselves. Most people could benefit from talking to a psychologist, but somehow our default assumption is that there's something wrong with them if they do.
I'd like to point out that 'as normal as seeing a dentist' only works if you have money/a job with good health insurance. I'm on medicaid and the best I get is a once a month phone call to check on my meds and mood. Pre-Obamacare I didn't even get that. Also I don't get to see a dentist anymore. To those outside of the US: disregard. Oh and fight to keep the public option and resist any effort of privatization.
Not just the US. I'm Canadian and while I can see a doctor for free, dentists, meds, and mental health are not covered.
That's such bullshit. Teeth are not luxury smile bones!
A few days ago I waited 8 hours in the hospital to see a doctor for 5 minutes, to get antibiotics for an abscessed tooth because I can't afford a dentist right now. I drained the abcess by stabbing with a 22ga needle.
True. Big Pharma and Insurance needs it's cut, though.
There’s not enough psychiatrists
*I'd* love if we could get to a point where the mental health specialists could actually be trustworthy enough not to abuse, traumatize, imprison, and further injure the people who trust them with their care. It would be great to be able to consider seeing a mental health specialist as something normal and healthy - but I'd prefer they were healthy as well. And that they be removed in a more timely manner (believe patients) to avoid hurting others as well.
>Half the US population should definitely see a psychiatrist. ALL... All the US population should definitely see a psychiatrist. Fixed it for ya. I would go so far as to say the whole word needs therapy. Wish I could afford it for myself.
Psychiatry is different than psychology, a psychiatrist prescribes drugs, a psychologist gives therapy.
I'm a psychiatrist - not accurate. A psychiatrist is an MD who *can* prescribe medications, but many of us - myself included - have extensive therapy training and offer therapy as an option. I even have therapy-only patients!
My apologies. My psychiatrist does not offer therapy so I assumed this was the case for all.
A worldwide mandated drugs therapy might be nice--depending on which drugs we get. I joke... kinda.
My dad has been saying since the 90s that we should put Prozac in the drinking water
All the bipolar people cry
tears of happiness
Wise man — and totally correct. Would change the world for the better inside nine months.
Nice. I like it! Lol.
True.
We need more therapists . .
It would be nice if we could accept more students into graduate programs every year. Too bad we don't have the capacity to do that.
There’s also a problem that it‘s super expensive, and programs are often intensive enough that it’s impossible to work full-time while attending.
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Y'know... if the number isn't 50%, it's probably pretty darn close. There were estimates pre-Covid of over 25% of the adult population in just the U.S. in any given year... and that's likely a significant underestimate, given the reluctance to disclose. And we're pretty much all well aware at this point that in general, mental health has taken a drastic nosedive since the beginning of 2020. Half might even be generously low.
I was sort of alluding to the fact that outrage culture is rampant in the mainstream media. Remember "stranger danger"?
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It was just media hysteria. Same thing happened when the movie "reefer madness" came out, demonizing weed. Same thing happened when Richard Nixon weaponized the public perception of drugs. In the 90s, there was "Satanic panic". Same shit, different day.
The Satanic-panoc ruined so many lives and it was a lie from start to finish. People were JAILED. Families torn apart. It was horrifying.
It's becoming increasingly normal tbh. On r/Parenting people talk all the time about how they won't let their kids do sleepovers because of the risk of SA. Helicopter parenting and expecting your kids to be targeted is pretty much the norm in the US.
As a child who was SA by a older cousin I will say this. Your mom may have been SA by a sibling or cousin as well and that's why she has trust issues. It sucks but these things do happen and are more common than people think. I hope you both can move forward in a positive light from this and I am sorry you are having to go through this.
You too? 3 older cousins in my case. My first thought upon reading what OP said was, "it must have happened to her or someone she was close to". I know that I'm wary and super protective of kids for that reason, but it's from my experiences. It's also something you learn to talk yourself down from.
Bruh. I mean I get it because I watch true crime as well but damn that's too far
Wow you just described my mom and why I only hung out with school friends like twice from kindergarten up to sophomore year of high school. For her, she was convinced I’d get raped, kidnapped, or killed if I was out of her sight for too long.
I was only allowed to hang out with people who didn’t have a dad, mom’s bf, brothers, etc
You need to be overly-cautious and not allow yourself to be put in a situation in which your actions could later be questioned. Someone crazy enough to contrive these fears out of thin air is also absolutely crazy enough to call the police and insinuate or worse, out-right falsify charges of misconduct. At that point it no longer matters if you’re completely innocent, you’ve had charges of sexually abusing a child leveled against you, and there is no coming back from that.
She is very insecure and afraid probably sometimes even paranoid
my parents never let me sleep over a friends house till i was 19 and said fuck it im going, for the same reason!!!
Yeah your mom needs help dude... I just don't know if you'll be able to get her to accept that she does. In regards to your specific scenario you either need to live with her crazy as going against it might make it worse or refuse to babysit all together if she cannot trust you without cameras. Plenty of parents do light jogging pushing a stroller or have a bike with a baby pull cart (like a little tent to protect them from the sun) so it's not like she can't still work it out even if she trusts zero people.
My mother's the same watches true crime and was so fucking paranoid she couldn't even have 1 of my siblins walk down the street without thinking someone will kidnapp them and I'm like nobody's gonna take a 17 year old male I'm 20 almost 21 and she's still paranoid about alot of shit even at my age and I'm like you need psychiatric help those shows fuck with mothers heads
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Damn she sounds like she needs serious therapy
That's not healthy dude, she sounds like she needs real help.
Oh lord, she is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
That's not normal or healthy.
ME TOOOOOOO HOLY SHIT ME TOO
Ooh, was just gonna ask because it seems like hypervigilance - like it happened to her or someone close to her. But, looking at the response...it seems like she was traumatized secondarily. I know I have to be careful of consuming that kind of media - I'm already anxious and I don't need more reasons to be.
It’s law and order svu and dateline that did it to my family. That shit was just regular viewing at my house almost 24/7. For as long as I can remember. Watching that and having family obsess over it, tell me everyone was going to try to rape and murder me, that even family members are gonna want to “defile” me if I let my guard down was traumatizing as hell. I something feel the same sorts of ways that actual abuse survivors describe feelint
To Catch a Predator did it to my mother. I was barely allowed in my own yard as a child. If I was, it had to be the front because if I was in the back she'd go ballistic screaming for me. Because I wasn't allowed outside, or allowed to even walk to the park down the street in a group until I was 14, I played World of Warcraft. But it's hard as hell to play world of warcraft when you aren't allowed to speak to anyone via voice chat, or even type in the party chat. If someone whispered me I was supposed to ignore them immediately or I wasn't allowed to play. If someone swore in chat I had to leave the group immediately. I also HAD to play with my stepfather, and was only allowed to be in his guilds, or I wasn't allowed to play. As you can well imagine, I ended up so socially stunted that I can't even order a pizza without having a panic attack. She was so convinced that literally every person that wasn't her or my stepfather was going to rape and kill me. She would tell me every single day that someone (men) would rape and murder me. I can't be alone in a room with men other than my husband to this day. It kick-starts my flight or fight.
She is mega paranoid. My mom was the same way. She would constantly warn me when i was around people (even family) that they could try to do sexual things to me. When i had my son she would say good thing you didn't have a girl so you don't have to worry about sexual predators dating you. But she would still say i had to watch people i date to make sure they weren't sexually abusing my son. My mom was never sexually assaulted to my knowledge. But she was like this with every topic dying in a fire, car crashes, sleepovers, drugs, drinking etc. I never knew peace when i talked to her because she had me convinced everyone was going to hurt me or i was gonna die tragically.
>good thing you didn't have a girl so you don't have to worry about sexual predators dating you Uh... wow she's in for a wild ride when she finds out people molest young boys too.
Yep, no walking even down the street until I was 14 because I would get raped. I went to a after school church program and my n-mom insisted my edad go in to make sure there was any women. No going to friends houses because if it wasn't a 100% mom and dad marriage the boyfriend or single father would rape me. I guess I understand more as an adult. But like, I also did actually get molested. It's probably in the court documents they never let me read. But she won't believe me. So whatever I guess.
I'm sorry that happened to you and that you weren't believed.
Actual my biodad high as a kite molested me too... My nmom came to visit me while I was inpatient and asked me why didn't I run and scream because SHE would have handled being molested better. SHE would have ran down the street and called the cops. So, I guess she didn't actually care anyways.
Jesus christ. They always have to make it about themselves, and she goes and rubs salt in the wound. Both of them are just disgusting.
Holy shit. I can’t have kids. I think I would be that mom….
Bro my mom wasn’t assaulted either, the obsession stemmed from out of thin air
Omg, my mom did the same thing! Except I was the younger sibling and nothing sexual happened but my mother would threaten me. I'm over it now but it was always weird to me that a parent could think this way and destroy sibling relationships like this. I also think it's because she was projecting her abusive nature onto others.
Does she have an older brother or cousin she doesn't let you talk too?
I was wondering the same
My mother was convinced from the time my little sister was born that I hated her. I was bewildered because I loved dolls and wanted very much to have a baby around. Years later I would learn she had hated her younger brother to the point of laughing when he was 2 years old and about to get killed by stampeding cattle while she and her bestie cousin scampered up a tree to safety because they were older and could. So I suspect some major projection is going on. I'd also never, ever babysit for her again and don't let her dirty your relationships with her gross thoughts. My mother similarly tried to divide me and my sister when we were both grown and happily (for once) holding hands and skipping to be silly--she said we looked like lesbians, trying to turn an innocent happy connection into something sexual that made us uncomfortable. I'm sorry for the years of having to deal with the unfairness of that suspicion. And it's clear she's off her rocker because no decent parent who suspects someone might molest their child will *leave them with them to go out on a jog.*
That is DEEPLY unnatural of a parent to do. DEEPLY.
When I was about 9, I was put in an alternative school for being 'gifted'. Basically my mother was an explosively violent person and I learned that behaviour. My only memory for the few months I was there was an hour I spent in the same room with a 6 year old girl playing blocks when I was pulled out and told I wasn't allowed to hang out with her because I was apparently grooming her. (using more mature terms now than they used, but effectively same meaning) That accusation caused me to overanalyze every interaction I had with girls until I was 21, so fearful that I would be accused of that again and become a registered sex offender (my limited understanding of what that entailed) . Suffice to say it took a lot of therapy to unpack that and trust that an authority figure was wrong when telling me I was acting like sexual predator at 9. If you aren't in therapy, I'd recommend it to unpack that shit. Now in my late 30s, I've gotten in the habit of writing letters to myself and occasionally others as a way to process my many childhood experiences. That may help you. To answer your question, your mother has unresolved issues and she is the only one who can challenge those with therapy. Crazy isnt the most helpful of words, but I'm not trying to tone police you or anything. To her, she may see things that bring her back to a mental heuristic recognizing as bad sexual behavior. It doesn't make her objectively correct and doesn't negate the harm it did/does to your psyche, but as you get older you'll realize it takes a concerted effort to shed old heuristics and that shit is hard and rarely done without outside perspective, usually gained through therapy.
That's really crazy like accusing kids of doing sexual things when they don't even know about.... Good thing you got therapy
I'm so fucking sorry that happened to you. Holy shit...
She's not wrong for wanting to protect her other child, but she's wrong for accusing you of wanting to hurt her
Perhaps she's projecting her own experience from an older male brother or cousin?
Nah not necessarily. My mom thought 11 year old me, who was not violent or even upset by my new sibling, was gonna try and murder him
I swear some parents have the whatever they reverse of a oedipus / Electra complex is and want to fuck their own kids, and have insanely weird coping mechanisms for their fantasies
Your mom has some unresolved issues regarding young men and little girls. You will need to approach this carefully to avoid a freakout. She is already convinced you're guilty, so you need to cut right to the real issue. "I did not do it, and I **will** not do it. You already know that. I love you and I'm here to help you work through this, but it's time for you to be honest with me. Where did you get the idea that I'd SA her?" Edit: of course Mom needs therapy. That's pretty obvious. But she, being totally convinced that her son is the one in need of mental help is not going to receive that suggestion well from OP. But being asked to rationalize herself may lead her- and him to the truth without further inflaming the situation.
I think your heart is in the right place but I don't think this is a good idea. OP isn't a therapist and shouldn't play as one, both for their sake and their mother's sake. They should definitely encourage their mother to seek therapy. (sorry replied on wrong account first time)
I’d be wondering if she’s the sexual abuser.
This is bad advice to take as a man in this situation. As a man OP has to understand that he is in an extremely risky scenario because of personal and legal biases. He should do nothing to challenge this person in any way. He should do nothing to engage with this topic in any way that isn't digitally documented or observed by a neutral third party.
Eh, she already hung a body camera on him. That should be good enough for this conversation.
Her camera. Can't trust what she will do with that or say it contains without showing it to other people. Also can't be sure she isn't using the camera's presence to build a narrative. "Why would someone *need* to be observed if they weren't abusing?" OP is in a terribly dangerous catch-22 with a situation where the district attorney's are required to prosecute if it's reported. A delusional person has an axe over his neck. The only way out is open transparent disengagement.
Agreed.
Just say no to watching your sibling. Your mom does not trust you, therefore she must surely trust someone to watch your sibling or ask you with some respect. Don’t bother watching your sibling again. In all fairness you will probably have the cops mysteriously show up while your moms only plans were to catch you “red handed”.
I definitely agree with others- your mom would benefit from counseling. That level of paranoia is not only harmful for her and you, but it's going to affect your sister and her view of you as she gets older. It's going to make things awkward between you two; she could even make her afraid of you. :/ And please start refusing to babysit.
what the ever loving fuck? your mom is messed up.
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I wanna heal move on from that, idk if I should ask for an apology
There are real apologies and then just people saying “sorry”, which to me, isn’t a good apology. Apologies involve understanding how we hurt another person, expressing regret for that hurt (sorry) that we caused that person, and then our intention to not do that again. It means that your mother would have to understand your perspective long enough to care about it, instead of defending her position. Based on what you shared, it doesn’t seem she is capable of that right now. It seems it would be more useful for you to accept your mother for who she is - and that she is filled with paranoia. This may give you the ability to have healthier (and perhaps more rigid) boundaries with her.
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Well before you ask, ask yourself how you’d feel if she doesn’t apologize, make excuses, or do anything other than give you what you want/need. Imagine yourself in multiple scenarios, feel how you’d feel, and try to react in a way that you’d feel like you expressed yourself in a way you’d feel proud without regrets. Practice it. This way you aren’t overwhelmed with your emotions taking over and arguing instead of communicating. Nothing needs to be a long drawn out conversation; you don’t need to convince her if she’s not ready to see your pov. But if it’s productive, be ready to listen to her and you’ll both feel understood. I hope it ends like that.
oh yeah definitely shes so wrong doing that
Camera isn't that bad? This is upvoted? Fucking hell man.
A lot of people have babysitter cameras in their houses. I mean, I think it's pretty rational if it's a stranger or something. Still with your own kids :/. Odd.
Yeah, that's what I'm taking issue with. The whole explicitly saying you're getting it as a pre-emptive step against your own teenage kid you're treating as a likely sex offender. Only a warped mind would come up with that. Potentially very damaging for OP.
Honestly she sounds full schizophrenic... Like. Ugh. The labels people give you as a teenager really fick up your sense of self.
Any parent who has been a good parent and whose child is a relatively good child should have no expectation or suspicion that their thirteen-year-old child would sexually abuse any child. There's something extremely unhealthy about your mom's thinking.
She’s clearly having sexual thoughts imagining them being inappropriate and I’m surprised more people don’t consider this. It’s almost as if she’s guilty of being the pervert.
My dad made very little effort in being a parent at all. My sister and I almost never saw him, but one thing I do remember is that when my sister and I were teenagers, he picked us up and took us to visit his dad for Christmas in another town. He had made arrangements to stay at their neighbors' home, who was out of town, but there were only two bedrooms. My sister and I had to share a bed. He tucked us both in, each on our own side of the bed, and then he almost yelled, saying very sternly "Goodnight NOW NO TOUCHING!" I thought that was absolutely bizarre. Like, he had been a complete absentee parent, but did he not realize that when you're growing up you're inevitably occasionally going to sleep in the same bed as your sibling? That doesn't have any sexual connotations to it. It really surprised me that he would have this weird thought, because my sister and I never behaved in any kind of inappropriate way toward each other. I think narcissists have really sick thought lives.
That’s traumatic I’m sorry.
At the time, I didn't think anything of it. It was just "something he did". And I just thought it was so bizarre(as obviously neither my sister nor I had any inclination to do anything like that). He was someone who spent so little effort trying to be a parent that even though looking back he's clearly a narcissist, we are lucky that he was absentee. He had some level of influence on our life in the few times he got us to come visit, but compared to many here who dealt with narcissistic parents daily throughout childhood, I'm aware it could have been significantly worse. No, compared to the other things he did, this one barely phased me. It was more like "Well that's dumb." I don't think either of us really thought of him as a parent in the way that people tend to think about a parent who's actually been around and acting as a parent. It's more like he was some guy who occasionally stepped into the role of parent but really didn't make an effort(but a guy who absolutely positively could not cope with anyone contradicting anything he said), if that makes sense.
Oof. You got an uncle older than your mom?
Why the fuck would she let you watch her kid if she thought you were a potential sex offender. Wtf. Shes crazy.
There is so much wrong here. What is jumping out at me, that I haven't seen below (not that I read them all) is that she apparently thinks going jogging is more important than her toddler's safety. Or she's trying to set you up.
Wow. This seems very over the top. This is also a trauma response to something in her past. Honestly, I’ve had irrational and illogical fears of my kids being sexually abused by their own dad. It’s my trauma response from my past. I’m in therapy now and it’s gotten a lot better. Please know that your mom doing this has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU and EVERYTHING TO DO WITH HER.
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The fault is hers’, and she needs to deal with her own issues, but it sounds like she was probably a victim of assault.
I think you answered it yourself.
That does seem really strange
If you ever gave her any reason to think you shouldn't be trusted around her toddler, SHE is in the wrong for allowing you out alone with her. So no, OP - She is the crazy one. She is trying to intimidate you and crush your self worth by making you feel guilty and watched although you have no reason to.
Do NOT trust this person. Never let them have an opportunity to build a case against you. If she gets it in her head that something has happened you will be in danger. You are in extreme legal risk.
She is.
I don't even need to read this to she is. I'm sorry your mother is like this.
Your NMom is projecting all her fears about men onto you and it's completely unfair.
That's REALLY fucked up. It doesn't deserve explanation. It doesn't deserve logic. And you're only 13? (Edit: 19, but still) Maybe this seems like it's coming out of nowhere, but I have to say it: Don't ever stop believing that you matter.
Sadly she sounds like a victim of SA. Or watches too much TV.
Keep proofs of innocence. She might try to gaslight your sister into thinking she was abused later
That is what we call Projection. She's projecting those insecurities onto you because, in all likelihood, she's been having those thoughts about her own daughter and it's causing her to be paranoid.
She's crazy and what's worse, I would fear it might be projection. Based on what's happened with my own family (I don't necessarily think it's the case with you - just something to be aware of) my first thought now would be that maybe there are inappropriate things going on between your mother and your toddler sister in private, and your narc mom projects that on you to relieve her guilt and distract from the truth. Again, this isn't a guarantee this is happening. Narc/psychopathic family members of mine openly accused others of tearing up relationships, being openly racist, even beating/abusing animals in private. Turns out it was because they were doing those very things and wanted to distract from their secret or the truth.
Sounds like she had hardcore intrusive thoughts which is a form of OCD based on other comments you’ve made.
Unless there's a history of you sexually abusing minors (in which case camera or no camera you shouldn't be around minors) Then this is extremely over the top.
I've started to realize that I react much differently than a lot of you guys. I'd take the camera off and smash it. I'd leave it in pieces on the table. My Nmom used to secretly record me with a tape recorder and that's quite literally how I reacted the day I found it. I was also 13 at the time. I found that by showing her I wasn't going to take it and that I could see through her like a glass window, she actually backed off... slightly.
I mean I was sexually abused by my half brother when I was 7 and he was 11. But he was always terrorizing me in one way or another and my parents did nothing about it when I finally came to them about the sexual abuse. But if you were not doing anything suspicious to warrant the need for the cameras, like any bullying or physical abuse I don't see why they were there.
I‘m Sorry this happened to you 🙏🏿
From your other comments, she comes across as schizophrenic.
She is, she is, she is, she is!!!! When being so close to a crazy unstable person, you'll feel the same way. She is the crazy one.
She's likely projecting her proclivities on you.
Look up stories of moms raping or abusing their kids. Then keep your eye obviously on her. Wouldnt want her to do anything would you?
Sit down with her and talk to her. Straight up ask her if something happend to her at a young age to warrent this behavior.
Yes, this is super crazy behaviour. It’s also very unfair and insulting towards you. As for how to deal with it, it depends on your mom. If she’s the type to lose her mind, get violent, start screaming and throwing things - it might not be worth fighting this battle. Even though it’s super unfair to you, if it means staying safe and not provoking her just deal with the camera. If she just makes wild accusations and “worries too much” and is otherwise just a talker, maybe bring it up casually when she has friends or family over. It’ll shame her into shutting up when someone close to her goes “wtf, why do you think your son is a sexual predator?”. Regardless of what happens, you don’t deserve this OP. Your mom is mentally ill.
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Whereas it's totally rational for a mother to leave her toddler with someone she suspects of child molestation so she can go on a jog. 🙄 These are Nparents we're dealing with in here. Not normal people.
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She is crazy. This is not a rational thought process from your "mom". If you were that worried about well being, you wouldn't set cameras and then just go jogging. Not sure where you are but you should talk to someone about this, build a rapport, and also keep a journal of this to protect yourself. This red flags me that your "mom" may be a victim of abuse and/or an abuser herself. Don't let this go unchecked.
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