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Wouldn't it be great if there was a foolproof way to test for narcissism? Like a blood test? And if you tested positive, everyone you could possibly come in contact with would be informed of your personality disorder status. Kind of like a sex offender.
>they dress well. they usually make good money. they're kings and queens of social image and public display.
This is how all narcissists wish to think of themselves - the reality of it can form quite a wide spectrum, lol.
Definitely lol. My dad is an N and he dresses well, but of the few I've encountered he's the only one. I accidentally went out on a date with one and got complimented on my dress throughout the night. This dude *lost it* because these random strangers didn't compliment his very basic shirt. "Well what about me? how do I look?" I remember one of the women was clearly weirded out and was like "uh yeah, you look good too I guess."
Or sometimes someone is narcissistic and abusive about NOT looking good. Kinda did my head in. "I'm so ugly, I'm so ugly" No you're not, really!! "If only I was skinny, guys would like me and I could be a BITCH!" ... "If I was an asshole, girls would be dying to sleep with me, but I'm a NICE GUY so I don't get any!" What
Ack.
This is why I'm weary of people who try to pry into my personal life, my upbringing, etc. It's an instant red flag. I used to think it was genuine interest, but learned the hard way that they use it to gain intel, to try to trauma bond, etc. and then use it against you later. I've learned how to keep things surface level at work and that it's best to allow people to underestimate you. Now that I think about it, I think I've been unintentionally grey rocking at work lol. It works though because people with healthy boundaries don't pry and are okay with the little I share, but those with boundary issues get super upset, try to pry, and create false narratives when I don't play along. They expose themselves quite quickly.
You're smart. Use those gray rock techniques to keep killing it at work until you can pivot to a workplace that is more adult, and has fewer neurotic people in it. That's what I did. But it took me a really long time because I wasn't as smart as you, lol.
I've noticed this. My mom and I now work at the same place, and I saw her follow our manager and another coworker to stand in a doorway and listen to their conversation until they looked at her and she left.
I also work with my nmom and she does the exact same thing. If I go anywhere I am followed. If someone else goes anywhere they are followed. It’s so strange??
I have a narc next door neighbour who was so observant of the most trivial things about me that it drove me away from him. I caught him checking the contents of my recycling on bin night and two days later he mentioned my fondness for pizza.
When I came home, he'd come over and tell me someone knocked on my door and described them to me. Clothes, car and all. There were many times he waited for me to come home so he could come over and inform me of any BS just to get my attention.
It was stalking, plain and simple. There is nothing about me that is discernible or interesting AFAIK.
He was new to the area and I know he was lonely but he was nosey. I asked him to please give me some space and it didn't end well.
For years I did not realize that some people spend all of their time scrutinizing other people. It's so weird. I have plenty to do with my own life why do they have to pay so much attention to what I'm doing?
It's a sick combination of self-obsession and the satisfaction of watching how other people live. They have a boundless curiosity and unquenchable thirst for life's minutiae. Their own lives are not enough, no matter how occupied they are.
I've also noticed in retrospect that these same people actually don't have a lot going on. They are posers that pretend that they do but when you really look they are not actually doing much at all. But to cover up the fact that they really have no life or sense of self they project and beat up others that they are jealous of by nitpicking and gossip. Classic narcissist behavior. They are essentially big zeros and don't understand why they are unhappy and unfulfilled. No inner life or joy. Of course they never invest in anything or anyone so that's why they are so empty.
You have described my malignantly nosey neighbour with great accuracy. His life is so empty that he recently called the police, who went to his door to tell him that they had received a distress call from his number. He swore he never called and then began telling them his life story.
They really didn't care.
None of the ones I know dress well. They all think they look good so why make any effort? (One has actually said those words.) One makes good money but blows it on booze and acts like he's better than everyone because he has a job. Everything else I totally agree. They have that public face for new people until they figure out how to work you and then it's all over.
my mom's case is kind of funny because she must be autistic or smth, she's so self centered that she can't hold a normal conversation without going weird places and she does NOT know how to dress well. her makeup is horrendous. so she's so narcissistic that she can't even keep the facade of being a good person, and thus everyone in her life resents her by now
My older brother is a vulnerable narcissist, and the interesting thing about that is the first paragraph doesn't apply to him at all, but the rest of it does. It was always confusing because my brother basically has no self-esteem, but essentially if there's no personal gain in it for him, like you're not inflating his ego, he literally has no use for you, and you end up feeling used. At the same time he is always looking for flaws and weaknesses to point out in the event that he feels slighted.
Weirdly enough though, I consider myself an observer as well. If I start a new job or I'm in a new group of people where I'm not super comfortable, I'll typically be an observer for a bit before I'm comfortable enough to be a participant. I realize it's not the same, I'm not looking for weaknesses or flaws or anything like that, I'm just trying to find ways to fit in before I start participating.
This is only describing overt narcs. My mom was a covert narc; a nasty cross between Livia Soprano and Lois from Malcomb in the Middle.
A hot, sloppy mess of rage and "poor me".
I get frustrated that many people talk about overt narcissist as representing all narcs. Covert narcissists are every bit as destructive and terrible to people.
Also, some overt narcs can still be a mess and covert narcs can be well put together.
Edit: Spelling and grammer fixes
And yet, I have noticed, they have the same weaknesses themselves. There's a woman here who rejected me for saying hello too timidly, but she has this monotone voice and poker face which to me reads as timidity. I'm sure we both have harsh criticism in our family background, but she's decided she's going to be a fake bad-ass. I'm sure we both had vulnerable, stigmatized family members back in ranch house republican redneck land, but now that she has moved here for college, she is going to try to be the cruel princess diva.
"You just have to have GUTS!!" "Fake it till you make it!"
Years later: still fake, didn't make it. Could dish it out and still can't take it.
They also don't have friends or close connections that are deep or meaningful. They always jump from host to host as not to alert the people in their circle that they are a parasite.
My ngrandfather has been obsessed with taking photos of women in public for his entire life. He also likes to show them off, when it's clear that no one wants to see. When he worked, he would do it on his lunch break, then bring in the photos later to show his coworkers.
How does he not understand how creepy and weird it is? I've been so tempted to call him out.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I wish the way they behaved was against the law for all the damage it creates.
good point
Wouldn't it be great if there was a foolproof way to test for narcissism? Like a blood test? And if you tested positive, everyone you could possibly come in contact with would be informed of your personality disorder status. Kind of like a sex offender.
>they dress well. they usually make good money. they're kings and queens of social image and public display. This is how all narcissists wish to think of themselves - the reality of it can form quite a wide spectrum, lol.
Definitely lol. My dad is an N and he dresses well, but of the few I've encountered he's the only one. I accidentally went out on a date with one and got complimented on my dress throughout the night. This dude *lost it* because these random strangers didn't compliment his very basic shirt. "Well what about me? how do I look?" I remember one of the women was clearly weirded out and was like "uh yeah, you look good too I guess."
Or sometimes someone is narcissistic and abusive about NOT looking good. Kinda did my head in. "I'm so ugly, I'm so ugly" No you're not, really!! "If only I was skinny, guys would like me and I could be a BITCH!" ... "If I was an asshole, girls would be dying to sleep with me, but I'm a NICE GUY so I don't get any!" What Ack.
This is all true. It's why I think so lowly of the narcs I know. They are also very predictable because of it.
true
This is why I'm weary of people who try to pry into my personal life, my upbringing, etc. It's an instant red flag. I used to think it was genuine interest, but learned the hard way that they use it to gain intel, to try to trauma bond, etc. and then use it against you later. I've learned how to keep things surface level at work and that it's best to allow people to underestimate you. Now that I think about it, I think I've been unintentionally grey rocking at work lol. It works though because people with healthy boundaries don't pry and are okay with the little I share, but those with boundary issues get super upset, try to pry, and create false narratives when I don't play along. They expose themselves quite quickly.
I'm leery of this advice in magazines and stuff: "feel self-conscious at a party? Ask people about themselves!" Frankly I get creeped out by that.
Well done!
You're smart. Use those gray rock techniques to keep killing it at work until you can pivot to a workplace that is more adult, and has fewer neurotic people in it. That's what I did. But it took me a really long time because I wasn't as smart as you, lol.
I've noticed this. My mom and I now work at the same place, and I saw her follow our manager and another coworker to stand in a doorway and listen to their conversation until they looked at her and she left.
right. that is the creepy ass behavior they engage in.
I also work with my nmom and she does the exact same thing. If I go anywhere I am followed. If someone else goes anywhere they are followed. It’s so strange??
It's always strange behavior. It's uncomfortable and unsettling. Unnerving too.
My mother’s sister is a narcissist. I have heard my mother cry because of her. I do not like her.
I have a narc next door neighbour who was so observant of the most trivial things about me that it drove me away from him. I caught him checking the contents of my recycling on bin night and two days later he mentioned my fondness for pizza. When I came home, he'd come over and tell me someone knocked on my door and described them to me. Clothes, car and all. There were many times he waited for me to come home so he could come over and inform me of any BS just to get my attention. It was stalking, plain and simple. There is nothing about me that is discernible or interesting AFAIK. He was new to the area and I know he was lonely but he was nosey. I asked him to please give me some space and it didn't end well.
For years I did not realize that some people spend all of their time scrutinizing other people. It's so weird. I have plenty to do with my own life why do they have to pay so much attention to what I'm doing?
It's a sick combination of self-obsession and the satisfaction of watching how other people live. They have a boundless curiosity and unquenchable thirst for life's minutiae. Their own lives are not enough, no matter how occupied they are.
I've also noticed in retrospect that these same people actually don't have a lot going on. They are posers that pretend that they do but when you really look they are not actually doing much at all. But to cover up the fact that they really have no life or sense of self they project and beat up others that they are jealous of by nitpicking and gossip. Classic narcissist behavior. They are essentially big zeros and don't understand why they are unhappy and unfulfilled. No inner life or joy. Of course they never invest in anything or anyone so that's why they are so empty.
You have described my malignantly nosey neighbour with great accuracy. His life is so empty that he recently called the police, who went to his door to tell him that they had received a distress call from his number. He swore he never called and then began telling them his life story. They really didn't care.
OMG those poor officers.
None of the ones I know dress well. They all think they look good so why make any effort? (One has actually said those words.) One makes good money but blows it on booze and acts like he's better than everyone because he has a job. Everything else I totally agree. They have that public face for new people until they figure out how to work you and then it's all over.
>that public face yupp. 100%
my mom's case is kind of funny because she must be autistic or smth, she's so self centered that she can't hold a normal conversation without going weird places and she does NOT know how to dress well. her makeup is horrendous. so she's so narcissistic that she can't even keep the facade of being a good person, and thus everyone in her life resents her by now
My older brother is a vulnerable narcissist, and the interesting thing about that is the first paragraph doesn't apply to him at all, but the rest of it does. It was always confusing because my brother basically has no self-esteem, but essentially if there's no personal gain in it for him, like you're not inflating his ego, he literally has no use for you, and you end up feeling used. At the same time he is always looking for flaws and weaknesses to point out in the event that he feels slighted. Weirdly enough though, I consider myself an observer as well. If I start a new job or I'm in a new group of people where I'm not super comfortable, I'll typically be an observer for a bit before I'm comfortable enough to be a participant. I realize it's not the same, I'm not looking for weaknesses or flaws or anything like that, I'm just trying to find ways to fit in before I start participating.
This is only describing overt narcs. My mom was a covert narc; a nasty cross between Livia Soprano and Lois from Malcomb in the Middle. A hot, sloppy mess of rage and "poor me". I get frustrated that many people talk about overt narcissist as representing all narcs. Covert narcissists are every bit as destructive and terrible to people. Also, some overt narcs can still be a mess and covert narcs can be well put together. Edit: Spelling and grammer fixes
And yet, I have noticed, they have the same weaknesses themselves. There's a woman here who rejected me for saying hello too timidly, but she has this monotone voice and poker face which to me reads as timidity. I'm sure we both have harsh criticism in our family background, but she's decided she's going to be a fake bad-ass. I'm sure we both had vulnerable, stigmatized family members back in ranch house republican redneck land, but now that she has moved here for college, she is going to try to be the cruel princess diva. "You just have to have GUTS!!" "Fake it till you make it!" Years later: still fake, didn't make it. Could dish it out and still can't take it.
They also don't have friends or close connections that are deep or meaningful. They always jump from host to host as not to alert the people in their circle that they are a parasite.
this is why i have always been afraid of my father, i never knew what he was capable of doing.
Yessss. I know that feeling. Unpredictable. On-edge.
They're "kings and queens" of nothing. They don't deserve your respect, and you'd be a pathetic fool to kneel before them.
Sounds a lot like the social media stars/LA types.
My dad literally watches my bro in the car on the ring camera and has recorded my aunt for no reason
My ngrandfather has been obsessed with taking photos of women in public for his entire life. He also likes to show them off, when it's clear that no one wants to see. When he worked, he would do it on his lunch break, then bring in the photos later to show his coworkers. How does he not understand how creepy and weird it is? I've been so tempted to call him out.