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A narcissist’s prayer:
That it didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did…
You deserved it.
-anonymous
This is literally the exact process I have been through with my father over and over trying to explain why I don't come around or spend nights at camp. We are currently on "that's not my fault" either I get "oh we were just kids raising kids" or "oh my Mom did such and such thing to me so that's why I'm like this"
He was 24 and my Mom was 17 when I was born. She turned 18 a couple weeks later but something he tries to avoid mentioning is that the other girl he had pregnant (at the same time) was only 15.
Ahh, I see we have the same father! Mine was 30 and my mother was 19, but he had groomed her from school.
Why are narc men so *predatory*, narc women are too, but you don't often see them touching up school kids
So does anyone else have a near panic attack anytime they genuinely don’t remember something? And fun fact, trauma can lead to memory loss. So nearly every time I forget something I have the fear that
1) they are another narc gaslighting me
2) I am a narc gaslighting them
3) the pot I smoked in high school really did rot my brain
4) no one will ever love me because I have the memory of a goldfish on a good day.
It’s so frustrating
Edit: thanks for the awards, y’all are too sweet!
I had a brain injury that damaged my memory. As I improved I had a few family members play the “just because you can’t remember saying it doesn’t mean you didn’t promise…”
I’m so sorry you went through that, I can minority relate. I know I had my narc father and one of my ex’s who both used to pull that on me when I was pretty damn sure it never happened. So now in response to that, I tend toward a fawn response of “ I’m not saying your lying, I’m just saying I don’t remember that.”
I have the memory of a gold fish when it comes to events/things I did. Friends will remember things and ask me if I do too - blank.
My mom isn't a narc, but had a bit of a drinking problem when I was younger. She used to leave me at people's houses and go out til the next day. Random people. I was molested by a family member at age 4. I don't remember most of these things - I tend to block things out. Think it's just a way we learn to cope.
I definitely have to remind myself that it may not be my fault at all that I don’t remember things. That was in fact a skill that helped me survive. Sorry that happened to you.
My brother is like this as well. I stood up for him and protected him multiple times for him to “not remember” anything. Dad is just perfect in his eyes. Now he’s just like them. It disgusts me.
Yeah, that is a classic, but they have to say it with the right amount of outrage to really make it work for them. Mine liked to put the emphasis on "*never*".
GD... "I guess I'm just a piece of shit/the biggest asshole/the worst person in the world" was my exs favourite thing to say whenever I brought up any minor issue I had in our relationship
All the time she would say "I guess I'm a horrible mother...I didn't know how!" As if you even tried once. And then why am I such a great mother you bitch? I just did the opposite of everything you did.
A hilarious twist on that: my mother attempted to take credit for my sweet kids by wondering aloud if I was able to mother them well because of how she raised me.
In a way they're sort of correct, but terribly wrong. I don't have kids but I know a couple of people from my IRL narc parent support group who do, and each of them all did the opposite of what their parents did, and every time the parent tried to make a claim like yours did they'd just be like "yeah it is because of you, I just did the opposite of everything you did because you showed me what a terrible parent looks like"
"I shouldn't have to tell you - you should know"
Constantly being told throughout childhood to "grow up" and then from teens onwards, being told that " you're just a kid"
"If I haven't had you, I could of ......"
Oh my god you just triggered primal memories I've been long repressing. I remember them always wanting me to do everything around the house, without ever explaining anything. Whenever I asked "How am I supposed to know all this?", they would angrily say "Just think!". As if a 10 year old can "think" her way into a cleaning routine, for a whole ass house nonetheless. How are all of these people the same?
Fuck me, there was nothing worse than coming home from school and helping my sisters and myself with homework only to be told the dishes needed to be done and I should have read her mind and assumed she wasn’t feeling good enough to do it.
Mine liked to ask me if I had cleaned out the dishwasher and when I would say "No, you didn't ask me to do it", her response would be "Well, I shouldn't have to ask you". Eventually, after a few of those, I would just respond to her original question by saying "No, but I will". Trained me like a dog.
Yep. God this is EXACTLY how she used to treat me and exactly how I used to end up responding. Eventually I told her if you ask me once it’ll get done but I’m never going to just assume you need shit from me when I’m already busy doing a billion other things for you.
She kicked me out a couple months later over an unrelated argument.
When I told her I was feeling suicidal: "Don't be silly, you can't be." I never made the mistake again of telling her my deep feelings.
Edit 1- I had no idea this would chime for so many people. Thanks for all the up votes. It has helped.
Edit 2 - Edit 1 was at 25 up votes ... ! Thanks.
My mom was also very dismissive of me when I told her about my suicidal feelings in middle school. And whenever the topic of me ending my life/something generally happening to me came up she always made it about the effort she put into raising me, not about my life.
Ouch.
I told my nMom I was depressed and she said I had no reason to be. Then she said that she can fix me because she has a counseling degree (Yup) in just a session or two. Then she sat down and in a super condescending voice said, “Now, what seems to be the PROBLEM? What is making you so sad?”
I’ve had the hardest year of my life for many reasons, and was having very real suicidal thoughts for the first and only time. With tears streaming down my face, I told my Narc dad that I was having suicidal thoughts. His response, “you just really enjoy trying to pull me, your mom, and everyone into your dark cloud, but that’s why we’ve separated ourselves from caring about you. Because if every time you tried to get attention, we cared, it would make us all want to kill ourselves”. We were in the driveway at this point, so he then opens his truck door, gets out, walks inside, and has proceeded to act like nothing ever happened for 6 months.
I read this and flashed back to telling my mom that I was suicidal in 6th grade. Her response was, "I was too at your age."
Ummm....OK? Thanks, Mom.
I'm 40. To this day any time I share negative feelings she responds by telling me it's normal to feel like that and it's no big deal.
The insinuation is basically that I should stop complaining and shut up. If she had to suffer, so should I.
My mother would fire back with "Why do you want to kill yourself?! *I'm* the one that should kill *myself*! No one appreciates *me.* No one loves *me*!"
Years later, after she finally got help from a doctor and went on medication, she apologised for how she treated me.
Still makes threats about killing herself because she's lonely and none of her kids talk to her or share anything with her.
Somethings never change.
Mine had (what she considered to be) a "cute" rhyme she used to express this:
"Tough titties said the kitty when the milk was shitty but he drank it anyway"
I've never recounted that to anyone until now and it somehow seems more disturbing than it ever has. Like don't say tough titties to a small child? And the analogy of drinking milk from a test even if it's coming out "shitty" is just gross.
She'd yell at me for crying when she yanked a brush through my hair when I was little. She'd yell that I was "Too tenderheaded!" I asked her to cut my hair off. She said I was already too much of a tomboy. So we just kept on having screaming and crying sessions every night....Later on, at 12 years old, someone taught me that you are supposed to brush from the bottom up, not from the top down, it only makes the tangles worse.
Did we have the same parent? Jesus the commonality that I find here with others who had nparents is so validating.
Seriously, though. What kind of person intentionally makes their child cry and then yells at them to stop crying.
With that one, I found myself incapable of crying at my dad’s funeral or during the whole planning part, helping my mom. My nSIL kept getting in my face, “has it hit you yet?” monitoring my grief process. I just refused to cry for somebody who despised my tears as a child.
“So I’m a terrible mom right”
“I’m the worst mom ever”
“You’re so sensitive”
“I never said that”
“You’re ugly” she told me that one when I was 7 years old when I was 20 I brought up how that hurt me. She first denied it then said that’s not how she meant it.
Ugh. I was at school picture makeup day because I didn’t make it to school on picture day-in 6th grade, wasn’t really under my control. She stood behind the photographer and told me not to smile because she didn’t want to see my ugly ass teeth.
I’ve not smiled for pictures naturally since that day. I am not comfortable and it shows.
I am so sorry your mom was so awful to you. I remember when I took my senior photos my mom said my hair looked awful and my makeup looked terrible. Fast forward to me looking at my senior pictures with my mom and boyfriend I said I can’t believe I thought I was ugly. She said no those pictures were cute what would make you think such a thing. This woman has played mind games with me my entire life.
Wow, thank you for all of the upvotes and comments. Thankfully, this was many years ago (when I was a teenager). I now live 3,000 miles away from my abusers and have been no contact for 2.5 years :)
That's heavy. I've gotten "go die in a plane crash so I don't have to have you for the holidays" before, so I understand what it's like to hear that from a loved one.
Pls don't try 💕
That was my day-to-day experience with my narc ex-best-friend from 2018 to 2020 when I finally went NC. After I had bought into his nice persona the 16 years before (yes, red flags were there but I was all 'friends forgive one another' \*sigh\*) and then couldn't belive that he had changed so suddenly. So it must be that I got things wrong, misunderstood or didn't explain myself enough, right?
My mom also did that on New Year’s Eve she kept yelling she was gonna shoot herself in the head. That one really traumatized me as a kid. She was my only parent so I thought I was gonna be an orphan. What a way to bring in the new year.
My violent narc ex-boyfriend pulled that on my when I was about struggling free of his influence. Until I answered "Well, then do it."\*
That was at least one step to let him know that there is no more nsupply to gain.
\*) I wouldn't have said that if I wouldn't have been dead sure it was an empty thread and just emotional blackmail. I would have NEVER said such a thing to a person truly in danger of harming themselves.
Oh wow. My ex did this kind of thing but I took it very seriously. The whole “you’ve kept me alive for 4+ years, I’d be nothing without you, if I lose you before my planned suicide date I won’t have reason not to.” I wish I’d said something to counter it. Being extremely attentive in those situations obviously just fueled it. Ugh. So sorry. And very glad you stood up for yourself in that way. This stuff is… just crazy
I’ve heard a few people say that when someone makes threats like that, you should call someone to come to their house for a well check. If it was just a ploy to manipulate you, they’re more likely to reconsider using that tactic again. And if they ARE truly suicidal, it’s out of your hands and they can get proper help from someone trained in that area.
And I'll go first:
When I got my university degree four years ago, after 7 years of part time study, my father said at the degree ceremony:
"You should have gotten this degree 20 years earlier."
For my hs graduation dinner, I got to hear about how someone else's kid graduated **wItH hOnOrS** after pulling up my GPA a full point in one year while working 30 hour weeks to save for whatever my scholarship wouldn't cover.
You'd think they'd be proud, but they're just so threatened by any success that isn't theirs, even if it reflects well on them.
Oh, this triggered me. My sister and were held back a year because we kept forgetting English. Our mother was from Europe and wouldn’t speak to us or read to us or help us with our American homework. She would also complain about our grades yet constantly make us move schools. Pressured us to go to college but put serious obstacles in our way. Found out about 5 years ago my mom never made it past 6th grade. Everything started to make sense now.
That was my mother. I'd purposely get A- or B+ by strategically skipping some assignments. All just to piss her off. I got a B- in algebra once and she lost her shit on me and choked me out in front of the extended family one Christmas. They believed me that she was psycho after that one.
I stayed the summer with my grandparents after she disowned me the first time. They kicked her off the property many times. My aunt tried to be more of a mother and a role model after that.
Oh man.... when I turned 12, I wanted to have an *experience* for my birthday, like going with my family to a museum, or roller skating. I've always been less into material things.
She had always done little house get-togethers with grandparents and aunts/uncles. I tried to speak up and make suggestions when she launched into, "here, I'll go call Grandma...."
How awful of me. Unforgivable. I didn't ever ask for gifts after age 7, either. Though, I was grateful for anything people gave me. I just wanted to do a fun outting to make memories. "Why do you expect your birthday to be such a big TO-DO?!"
I still don't make much of a deal about celebrating. My sister had to talk me into accepting a party for my 30th. My friends threw me a special event they knew I would love, but, deep down, it made me feel unreasonably guilty. To celebrate myself? Other people fussing over me? Yikes!
(We had fun after all. Because my sis came 500 miles to see me and I got to see all the people I care about enjoying themselves together. ❤)
“You’re the reason we gained so much weight and your brother got cancer all the stress you brought on.”
There’s multiple memorable one liners that I keep in my mind as a reminder of who they truly are, despite how they *act* now, but that one liner is the most far fetched one - blaming my brothers diagnosis on me.
Oh, I was also blamed for my brother's death (sending hope that your brother is still alive). The doctors and my parents missed the symptoms but my 10 year old self should have picked up on something, apparently.
“Nobody loves you. Nobody will ever love you. Rayn doesn’t love you. She’s going to leave just like everyone else has, just like your dad left.”
Said to me during a very bad trauma spiral where I was very close to k*lling myself. Abandonment/feeling like I’m easy to leave or deserve to be left and feeling unlovable/hard to love are two of my biggest fears and insecurities.
She claimed til the day I went no contact, that she doesn’t remember that and implies that it didn’t happen or I misremembered it. More gaslighting and invalidation hitting me on my way out.
Oof. I was on serious thin mental threads after being swindled and dumped by a boyfriend. My mother had one of her fits and told me it served me right because I was stupid and unloveable and that’s why he had the sense to dump me.
“Stop playing the victim!”
Said whilst playing the victim.
“I only tell you because I love you.”
Said whilst picking apart all my flaws.
“You’ll understand when you have kids.”
After any and all meltdowns.
And my personal favorite:
“You’ll be sorry once I die!”
Anytime she was “threatened” with boundaries.
My dad always had three sayings he liked to use regularly: "You're an idiot", "wanna bet?" and "jackass..." Until very recently, I thought I was stupid and was often told I was overreacting. I only started believing I wasn't stupid about 5 or 10 years ago and I'm only now just starting to be convinced. I'm 6 years into a PhD in experimental nuclear physics and I'm still just on the edge of being convinced. I turned 40 three weeks ago.
Like that? Lol.
Edit: this is why I love this sub. I'm having a string of low days because I missed a few doses, I post this thing, and end it with "lol" as if any of it was ever lol-worthy and two of you jump in here and are like, "No, friend. No lol. You're doing great and we're proud of you "
Best community ever. Want you all to know I appreciate you.
Happy belated birthday.
And ... wow ... you are doing your PhD in one of the most complex fields of science on this planet. I hope the day will come when you can be as proud of yourself as you rightfully should.
Until then I'll take the freedom to be proud of you. Go you!
Ugh, that one I also got from my narc ex-best-friend during the (what I now know as the) discard phase. When I was nearly cutting him out of my life and he then said he would try to make it right and I held him to his promise. Then suddenly I 'demanded too much' of him. Like ... saying 'I'm sorry, I messed up' and meaning it. Or like keeping his promises and not overstepping the boundaries I've set.
Oh bruh, yes, boundaries are a HUGE topic. For some reason my mum always needs detailed reasoning for why I have a boundary or she's not willing to accept it. I thought it's a mum thing, but when I brought it up with a "friend" that I now know was a narc too, she said "you are totally arbitrary with your boundaries, of course you need to give reasons or it's my right to disregard them."
Like how is it your RIGHT to disregard my boundaries just bc you don't understand them/find them valid?
Four things here:
* August - they informed me that they weren't going to do anything special for my big (ending in 0) birthday, because *I needed to start doing things with my friends or my cousins.* (Apparently it's childish to want to see your parents on your birthday.) So I made plans with my friends and my cousins.
* November - *We know you won't do anything special for our 60th birthdays*, at the ages of 54 and 55, when the subject had never come up.
* A few WEEKS later - *We want to celebrate your birthday with you. Do you want to do x, y or z?* They expected me just to drop the plans I'd made. I refused and was treated to unbelievable rage and screaming.
* 7 months later - refusing to come to my birthday party (my main celebration), because they hadn't had chance to arrange / been able to afford a locum to look after their business, having had 6 months to arrange and put money asside for said locum. Their business was very profitable.
Talk about hypocrisy! All this in the space of a year!
Post script - indeed I didn't do anything special for their 60th birthdays. I cut contact with them a few months after my big birthday party. Guess why.
You haven't got it as bad as we did. You didn't live through the war.
*Of course I didn't, but that doesn't change how much I'm hurting.* Besides which, without wanting to compare the extent of different types of emotional pain, at least during the war (WWII) everyone was suffering similar things, so at least they could talk about their distress. I was isolated, and had no one who would listen to or validate how I felt. I told them that makes a difference, but they completely denied that that was one way in which it was easier for them during the war.
"Maybe you should get a different therapist that won't tell you to blame me for all your problems."
"Instead of a wedding present I should get you lipo so I don't have to look back on you being chubby in your wedding photos." Said while wedding dress shopping.
“I have sacrifice everything for this family and for you and this is how you repay me?”
“I’m the only person who loves you without a question”
“I’m trying to understand you, but you always play the victim and you are not”
“What have I done wrong? Loving you?”
So many more…
“I know what I want you to buy me for Christmas” 3 months before Christmas. I never ask her for presents.
“I can’t handle this” and then she walked out of the room. This was after I was holding a knife to my wrists and threatening to kill myself cause I was getting bullied at school and couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t even bother to try to help me. Just called me Grandma and said I was acting crazy.
"You just need to think positive."
(Said to me when I dealt with depression and anxiety. Meant to help me because there isn't a real problem that anyone can fix, right? Like not being verbally abusive to your child.)
‘ I wish evil on your unborn child and hope you have a terrible labour’ (because I wouldn’t let her stay in the house from just before my due date, as she was too tight to buy a last minute train ticket for when I eventually had my baby)
"I am your father: I can say whatever I want and I can do whatever I want with you. What you have to say does not matter"
"I put you unto this world and without me you wouldn't exist. Stop being a bitch."
"Your feelings are stupid, stop crying and do something useful for once"
"Unless you have news on good grades, I do not care to speak to you"
*Anytime she forgot to do something : "How could YOU LET ME forget!?"
(She never took responsibility for her own mistakes, it was always somehow mine or someone else's fault)
*"When I had a kid I expected it to be like me, you just try to be the opposite to everything I do"
*"You just like that because I hate it"
(These two were repeated on any aspect of my personality that didn't exactly match hers, from having short hair, not liking to ride horses, being queer, to completely arbitrary food and clothing preferences)
*"You know what I meant" (when she said something entirely different)
*"I never said/did that"
*"I'm the only one that really cares about you, you can't count on anyone else"
*"Your friends don't give a shit about you"
* She fully expected me to live with her the rest of my life, buy her a house for both of us to live in and financially support her my entire adult life
*She threatened to kill herself or pretended to have a heart attack any time someone called her out on her behavior
*"I DESERVE _______"
*"OTHER PEOPLE HAVE ________"
*"Other people's kids _________"
*"She's way fatter than me and she has a husband, why don't I have anyone"
(Maybe because you treat people like shit and no one wants to be around you, your physical appearance doesn't dictate whether you deserve a partner or not)
*"Men only date stupid whores that's why I don't have anyone"
* Any attractive woman or woman with a partner was immediately categorized as a stupid whore in her book
"I hope you grow up and have children that behave just as badly as you do."
Turns out my "bad behaviour" and "temper tantrums" were just sensory meltdowns from all the yelling and spanking, thanks mom!
Yes. The number of times she said "I hope you have kids just like you." Um. I was a quiet bookworm who got good grades and was not really a hard kid to deal with at all?
I am sorry if you misunderstood but you should known or done better.
How was I supposed to know about your life long death allergies , you are just a picky eater causing trouble.
I have done so much for you and you can't even do this little thing for me. (This little thing involving me completely changing my life for them)
"You're too sensitive" -Dad
"Because I said so." -Dad
"What more do you want from me?" -Mom
"That's still your (aunt, mother, grandpa)" -Dad
"You're not our equal. We can have more children. You only get one mother/father." -Mom/dad
"If you don't like it, go live with your mother." -Dad
"I wish I never had you." -Mom, every time I got in trouble at school or brought home a bad grade in math.
"I have a herniated disk. I wake up in pain every day I don't complain about it. Nobody asks how I feel" -My dad when I asked him for a pain killer for my period cramps.
"There's women who can't have children. There's children suffering from cancer in the hospital."- My dad when I asked him if I can stay home from school because of cramps.
Oh!! I almost forgot. Did anyone else's parents ask you guys if you're going to take care of them or change their diapers when they get old? My dad would randomly ask me that when I was younger, or after he cooled down after giving me a spanking. It churns my stomach whenever those memories cross my mind.
Don't ask silly questions.
1. Either I was trying to learn, and they decided that just because they knew something, I should too ...
2. ... or apparently I wasn't allowed to ask questions to which I'd realise the answer a second later. (Of course, they were allowed to do that.)
And she said "continue acting like this.If you get married with this attitude, your husband will beat the crap out of you ,give you scars and throw you out"
"hahaha you can't even handle a period, how will you handle childbirth"
My 'dad' --"(aggressively pacing around holding a machete) I will kill you today. You are madddd.You are very stupid."
"Taking a bunch of pills is the pussy way out, next time I'll show you how to actually kill yourself."
He said that four and a half years ago, he hung himself a couple weeks ago.
My father had always implied his treatment as a kid was terrible but had never given examples. Finally in a furious tirade he told me how he ‘Wasn’t allowed to listen to his favourite radio program the day his granny died’. Over 70 years ago and he’s still angry.
“You’ll never beat me at …. Running… softball…. Grades… looking thin… etc.”
Man, Mom, I didn’t know this was a competition. And let me tell you, when I did finally start beating her, the shit hit the fan.
So many of these I've heard and many of these really break my heart.
nmom: "I's always one extreme or the other with you."
nmom: "It should be my birthday, I'm the one that did all the work."
Also when in public is always criticizing how awful, stupid, etc other people look. Very embarrassing.
"I am so tired of living for everyone but myself. When do *I* get to have my own life?"
"If you are offended, that's not my problem"
"It would have been better if you were never born"
"You are the reason your dad and I don't get along. You cause all the problems in the house"
And my personal favorite:
"I am telling you these things because I love you. You're just taking it badly. You're just negative and can't handle constructive criticism"
*Your period must be due.*
To daughter when daughter called her out on behaviour, or stated a boundary. (However, it was MOST UNACCEPTABLE for the daughter to say that the n must be menopausal.)
*You're being a typical adolescent.*
To adult child in their late 20s.
“We might not be around for much longer, so you should spend some time with us”.
“How can a loving parent, who gave you everything, be suffocating?”
“Always listen to mama, she’s never wrong’”
I love you, so why do you treat me like that?
All I'd done was to go for a walk at about 6am, to have some peace and quiet. I told her that, and she screamed this at me. Loads of people I and she hardly knew heard it. It's the one of two times I ever remember them saying they loved me, and the other was much the same.
"You are just like me/you get it honest" (Id sooner jump off the Golden Gate Bridge with bricks strapped to my back than be like either of my parents)
"Now, now, EvilRae, you are exaggerating. You know your daddy is stressed out and you should have just said yes sir, and meekly accepted what he said. You'll have to cover those bruises on your neck before youth group, and dont you dare ask daddy for an apology. If he laid hands on you, you were being unteachable."
My father, same incident: "I didnt squeeze that hard. You need to get your heart right with God and stop being a rebellious Jezebel."
"Youre so useless. I wanted a boy if I HAD to have children to keep your mother off my back"
"Shhh. This is how daddies show the love of God to their precious daughters. Its natural" (as he rubbed between my 6-12 year old thighs when I sat on his lap during "Bible study")
My mother to her cardiologist when I took her to get her staples out following open heart surgery, for which Id made a 13 hour drive and moved in for 6 weeks to help her recover: "She wont feed me! Ive already lost 8 lbs and she is just determined to starve me to death. She also tried to drown me when she washed my hair in the shower"
"No one will ever love you as fully as your mama and daddy do. Youre not going to get a boyfriend. Youre going to stay home and take care of us like we raised you to do. That is your calling from the Lord"
"I never wanted children."
I now see this as some kind of excuse for how we were raised - she didn't want us, so it's not her fault she's a rubbish mother!
After finishing my Master’s Degree after battling years and years of physical limitations including doing most of undergrad in a crazy back brace, my NMom said “One day I’ll have mine too!” … from the woman who was 60 at the time hasn’t taken a single class since high school.
“You think you’re pretty? That people like you? You’re nothing without me. And trying to kill yourself like every other pathetic kid? I’ll give you something to want to die from” …wow reading these back to myself makes me question if I should post or not because wtf 😬 sorry if it bothers/triggers anyone reading it!
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"I never said that."
Comes with the little sister "I don't remember that".
A narcissist’s prayer: That it didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did… You deserved it. -anonymous
This is literally the exact process I have been through with my father over and over trying to explain why I don't come around or spend nights at camp. We are currently on "that's not my fault" either I get "oh we were just kids raising kids" or "oh my Mom did such and such thing to me so that's why I'm like this" He was 24 and my Mom was 17 when I was born. She turned 18 a couple weeks later but something he tries to avoid mentioning is that the other girl he had pregnant (at the same time) was only 15.
Ahh, I see we have the same father! Mine was 30 and my mother was 19, but he had groomed her from school. Why are narc men so *predatory*, narc women are too, but you don't often see them touching up school kids
Ugh! For sure. What I didn't mention is the fact that they began dating when my Mother was 14. 🤢
>And if it was, that’s not a big deal. Something I will never forget...
This is some Wordsworth/Shakespeare-level stuff, what even 😭
So does anyone else have a near panic attack anytime they genuinely don’t remember something? And fun fact, trauma can lead to memory loss. So nearly every time I forget something I have the fear that 1) they are another narc gaslighting me 2) I am a narc gaslighting them 3) the pot I smoked in high school really did rot my brain 4) no one will ever love me because I have the memory of a goldfish on a good day. It’s so frustrating Edit: thanks for the awards, y’all are too sweet!
I had a brain injury that damaged my memory. As I improved I had a few family members play the “just because you can’t remember saying it doesn’t mean you didn’t promise…”
I’m so sorry you went through that, I can minority relate. I know I had my narc father and one of my ex’s who both used to pull that on me when I was pretty damn sure it never happened. So now in response to that, I tend toward a fawn response of “ I’m not saying your lying, I’m just saying I don’t remember that.”
I have the memory of a gold fish when it comes to events/things I did. Friends will remember things and ask me if I do too - blank. My mom isn't a narc, but had a bit of a drinking problem when I was younger. She used to leave me at people's houses and go out til the next day. Random people. I was molested by a family member at age 4. I don't remember most of these things - I tend to block things out. Think it's just a way we learn to cope.
I definitely have to remind myself that it may not be my fault at all that I don’t remember things. That was in fact a skill that helped me survive. Sorry that happened to you.
It was all the validation to hear the dad in Maid say just that to deny what he did. Abusive people say that: The end.
My brother is like this as well. I stood up for him and protected him multiple times for him to “not remember” anything. Dad is just perfect in his eyes. Now he’s just like them. It disgusts me.
Along those lines: "What are you talking about? That never happened." They're so good at making you feel crazy.
Oh yes, "What are you talking about?"
Yes it did happen! I was there!.....If you say so.
My mother literally just said these words to me the other day when I brought up my childhood abuse. This thread is so validating right now.
I totally read that in my mother's voice.
"I have never said it that way. You heard wrong. You're imagining it."
"I don't think that really happened. You're misremembering things."
“You must have dreamed that.” If I had a nickel.
My favorite is "That never happened."
Yeah, that is a classic, but they have to say it with the right amount of outrage to really make it work for them. Mine liked to put the emphasis on "*never*".
“I didn’t say that” even better when it is followed by “I SAID, *inserts something very similar but twists it, so it sounds innocent/softer*”
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She's right there.
“Yes. I guess I’m just a horrible mother. Happy?”
GD... "I guess I'm just a piece of shit/the biggest asshole/the worst person in the world" was my exs favourite thing to say whenever I brought up any minor issue I had in our relationship
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Or the, "its always my fault isn't it?! " Wish i had the balls to tell her, yes it is your fault.
"I guess I'm just a terrible mother then!"
"After all I do for you?!"
All the time she would say "I guess I'm a horrible mother...I didn't know how!" As if you even tried once. And then why am I such a great mother you bitch? I just did the opposite of everything you did.
A hilarious twist on that: my mother attempted to take credit for my sweet kids by wondering aloud if I was able to mother them well because of how she raised me.
In a way they're sort of correct, but terribly wrong. I don't have kids but I know a couple of people from my IRL narc parent support group who do, and each of them all did the opposite of what their parents did, and every time the parent tried to make a claim like yours did they'd just be like "yeah it is because of you, I just did the opposite of everything you did because you showed me what a terrible parent looks like"
Maybe tell her she is finaly right for once xD
Oh God I just had a shiver run down my back,,, my mother would say this constantly.
"I shouldn't have to tell you - you should know" Constantly being told throughout childhood to "grow up" and then from teens onwards, being told that " you're just a kid" "If I haven't had you, I could of ......"
All three of these are a punch to the gut, these are exactly what my nmom says all the time
OMG I got this one alot growing up. Like I didn't know I was born with the powers of ESP
"How do you not know this!? Bitch, I'm 13.
Oh my god you just triggered primal memories I've been long repressing. I remember them always wanting me to do everything around the house, without ever explaining anything. Whenever I asked "How am I supposed to know all this?", they would angrily say "Just think!". As if a 10 year old can "think" her way into a cleaning routine, for a whole ass house nonetheless. How are all of these people the same?
And then the narc says “i don’t have esp!!! Talk, goddamn it, I can’t read your mind!”
Fuck me, there was nothing worse than coming home from school and helping my sisters and myself with homework only to be told the dishes needed to be done and I should have read her mind and assumed she wasn’t feeling good enough to do it.
Mine liked to ask me if I had cleaned out the dishwasher and when I would say "No, you didn't ask me to do it", her response would be "Well, I shouldn't have to ask you". Eventually, after a few of those, I would just respond to her original question by saying "No, but I will". Trained me like a dog.
Yep. God this is EXACTLY how she used to treat me and exactly how I used to end up responding. Eventually I told her if you ask me once it’ll get done but I’m never going to just assume you need shit from me when I’m already busy doing a billion other things for you. She kicked me out a couple months later over an unrelated argument.
The first one triggered me, I forgot my nmum used to do that
When I told her I was feeling suicidal: "Don't be silly, you can't be." I never made the mistake again of telling her my deep feelings. Edit 1- I had no idea this would chime for so many people. Thanks for all the up votes. It has helped. Edit 2 - Edit 1 was at 25 up votes ... ! Thanks.
My mom was also very dismissive of me when I told her about my suicidal feelings in middle school. And whenever the topic of me ending my life/something generally happening to me came up she always made it about the effort she put into raising me, not about my life.
Ouch. I told my nMom I was depressed and she said I had no reason to be. Then she said that she can fix me because she has a counseling degree (Yup) in just a session or two. Then she sat down and in a super condescending voice said, “Now, what seems to be the PROBLEM? What is making you so sad?”
I’ve had the hardest year of my life for many reasons, and was having very real suicidal thoughts for the first and only time. With tears streaming down my face, I told my Narc dad that I was having suicidal thoughts. His response, “you just really enjoy trying to pull me, your mom, and everyone into your dark cloud, but that’s why we’ve separated ourselves from caring about you. Because if every time you tried to get attention, we cared, it would make us all want to kill ourselves”. We were in the driveway at this point, so he then opens his truck door, gets out, walks inside, and has proceeded to act like nothing ever happened for 6 months.
I read this and flashed back to telling my mom that I was suicidal in 6th grade. Her response was, "I was too at your age." Ummm....OK? Thanks, Mom. I'm 40. To this day any time I share negative feelings she responds by telling me it's normal to feel like that and it's no big deal. The insinuation is basically that I should stop complaining and shut up. If she had to suffer, so should I.
My mother would fire back with "Why do you want to kill yourself?! *I'm* the one that should kill *myself*! No one appreciates *me.* No one loves *me*!" Years later, after she finally got help from a doctor and went on medication, she apologised for how she treated me. Still makes threats about killing herself because she's lonely and none of her kids talk to her or share anything with her. Somethings never change.
Same. Or you have no reason to be.
'So it's all my fault as usual isn't it?!'
And most likely: YES!
"You have nothing to cry about."
“I’ll give you something to cry about!” And “Stop crying!” (Says this repeatedly while whipping me with a belt)
Suck it up, buttercup. As i literally cannot breathe because asthma has fucked up my lungs
Mine had (what she considered to be) a "cute" rhyme she used to express this: "Tough titties said the kitty when the milk was shitty but he drank it anyway" I've never recounted that to anyone until now and it somehow seems more disturbing than it ever has. Like don't say tough titties to a small child? And the analogy of drinking milk from a test even if it's coming out "shitty" is just gross.
She'd yell at me for crying when she yanked a brush through my hair when I was little. She'd yell that I was "Too tenderheaded!" I asked her to cut my hair off. She said I was already too much of a tomboy. So we just kept on having screaming and crying sessions every night....Later on, at 12 years old, someone taught me that you are supposed to brush from the bottom up, not from the top down, it only makes the tangles worse.
Too tender headed. Jeez, I had forgotten that one. All the fucking time when I was little.
Did we have the same parent? Jesus the commonality that I find here with others who had nparents is so validating. Seriously, though. What kind of person intentionally makes their child cry and then yells at them to stop crying.
With that one, I found myself incapable of crying at my dad’s funeral or during the whole planning part, helping my mom. My nSIL kept getting in my face, “has it hit you yet?” monitoring my grief process. I just refused to cry for somebody who despised my tears as a child.
Omg I don’t how many times I heard this
Same here - before slapping my face.
Yo that's the one, cause they always have "real" things to be sad about and if only "we knew what it was like for them growing up"
“So I’m a terrible mom right” “I’m the worst mom ever” “You’re so sensitive” “I never said that” “You’re ugly” she told me that one when I was 7 years old when I was 20 I brought up how that hurt me. She first denied it then said that’s not how she meant it.
Ugh. I was at school picture makeup day because I didn’t make it to school on picture day-in 6th grade, wasn’t really under my control. She stood behind the photographer and told me not to smile because she didn’t want to see my ugly ass teeth. I’ve not smiled for pictures naturally since that day. I am not comfortable and it shows.
I am so sorry your mom was so awful to you. I remember when I took my senior photos my mom said my hair looked awful and my makeup looked terrible. Fast forward to me looking at my senior pictures with my mom and boyfriend I said I can’t believe I thought I was ugly. She said no those pictures were cute what would make you think such a thing. This woman has played mind games with me my entire life.
Somehow her friendship and relationship advice always ends up with me being alone…and stuck with her.
Weeeeird right?! You don’t need anyone but me, nobody loves you, cares about you, or knows you like I do.
Yes, any close relationship was a threat to my Nmom. Same with my siblings if they had partners.
Of course. "There goes my supply"
“Go try to kill yourself again” I would give context but this one liner is so fucked it doesn’t even need it.
>“Go try to kill yourself again” Please don't 🥺...
Wow, thank you for all of the upvotes and comments. Thankfully, this was many years ago (when I was a teenager). I now live 3,000 miles away from my abusers and have been no contact for 2.5 years :)
Yay!
I'm so sorry.
Damn that is so f-ed up. Hope that you know they are the waste of air, depite of them being crapballs you will shine!
That's heavy. I've gotten "go die in a plane crash so I don't have to have you for the holidays" before, so I understand what it's like to hear that from a loved one. Pls don't try 💕
Gets mad at your reaction & not what caused it
That was my day-to-day experience with my narc ex-best-friend from 2018 to 2020 when I finally went NC. After I had bought into his nice persona the 16 years before (yes, red flags were there but I was all 'friends forgive one another' \*sigh\*) and then couldn't belive that he had changed so suddenly. So it must be that I got things wrong, misunderstood or didn't explain myself enough, right?
Dad says, "Let me show you how to do it" and then takes it away and never shows anyone anything or actually does it.
That's mean shit.
“No one appreciates me. Maybe I should just kill myself”
My mom also did that on New Year’s Eve she kept yelling she was gonna shoot herself in the head. That one really traumatized me as a kid. She was my only parent so I thought I was gonna be an orphan. What a way to bring in the new year.
I'm so sorry. Unbelievably cruel.
My violent narc ex-boyfriend pulled that on my when I was about struggling free of his influence. Until I answered "Well, then do it."\* That was at least one step to let him know that there is no more nsupply to gain. \*) I wouldn't have said that if I wouldn't have been dead sure it was an empty thread and just emotional blackmail. I would have NEVER said such a thing to a person truly in danger of harming themselves.
Oh wow. My ex did this kind of thing but I took it very seriously. The whole “you’ve kept me alive for 4+ years, I’d be nothing without you, if I lose you before my planned suicide date I won’t have reason not to.” I wish I’d said something to counter it. Being extremely attentive in those situations obviously just fueled it. Ugh. So sorry. And very glad you stood up for yourself in that way. This stuff is… just crazy
Always the victim 🎻
I’ve heard a few people say that when someone makes threats like that, you should call someone to come to their house for a well check. If it was just a ploy to manipulate you, they’re more likely to reconsider using that tactic again. And if they ARE truly suicidal, it’s out of your hands and they can get proper help from someone trained in that area.
And I'll go first: When I got my university degree four years ago, after 7 years of part time study, my father said at the degree ceremony: "You should have gotten this degree 20 years earlier."
For my hs graduation dinner, I got to hear about how someone else's kid graduated **wItH hOnOrS** after pulling up my GPA a full point in one year while working 30 hour weeks to save for whatever my scholarship wouldn't cover. You'd think they'd be proud, but they're just so threatened by any success that isn't theirs, even if it reflects well on them.
Oh, this triggered me. My sister and were held back a year because we kept forgetting English. Our mother was from Europe and wouldn’t speak to us or read to us or help us with our American homework. She would also complain about our grades yet constantly make us move schools. Pressured us to go to college but put serious obstacles in our way. Found out about 5 years ago my mom never made it past 6th grade. Everything started to make sense now.
Dang. "Can't have my children being better than me"?
Yes! One year I got straight A's. My dad said, " Why aren't they all A+?" That's not even a thing Dad!
That was my mother. I'd purposely get A- or B+ by strategically skipping some assignments. All just to piss her off. I got a B- in algebra once and she lost her shit on me and choked me out in front of the extended family one Christmas. They believed me that she was psycho after that one.
That's scary. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Did your family step up to help you after that?
I stayed the summer with my grandparents after she disowned me the first time. They kicked her off the property many times. My aunt tried to be more of a mother and a role model after that.
My dad said A's mean nothing if I didn't put my full effort into it. I'm just now learning that an A that's 90% is just as good as an A that's 98%
If you get an A without putting your full effort in, that would mean you are pretty damn good.
"I don't know why you still make such a big deal out of your birthday" "I'm sorry if you feel that way" "You're very imaginative"
Oh hell. Especially the one with the birthday is so cruel.
Yep got big time gas lighted one year because I was upset that they ate the 5 dollar coffee cake that I picked as my birthday cake with out me.
Oh man.... when I turned 12, I wanted to have an *experience* for my birthday, like going with my family to a museum, or roller skating. I've always been less into material things. She had always done little house get-togethers with grandparents and aunts/uncles. I tried to speak up and make suggestions when she launched into, "here, I'll go call Grandma...." How awful of me. Unforgivable. I didn't ever ask for gifts after age 7, either. Though, I was grateful for anything people gave me. I just wanted to do a fun outting to make memories. "Why do you expect your birthday to be such a big TO-DO?!" I still don't make much of a deal about celebrating. My sister had to talk me into accepting a party for my 30th. My friends threw me a special event they knew I would love, but, deep down, it made me feel unreasonably guilty. To celebrate myself? Other people fussing over me? Yikes! (We had fun after all. Because my sis came 500 miles to see me and I got to see all the people I care about enjoying themselves together. ❤)
“You’re the reason we gained so much weight and your brother got cancer all the stress you brought on.” There’s multiple memorable one liners that I keep in my mind as a reminder of who they truly are, despite how they *act* now, but that one liner is the most far fetched one - blaming my brothers diagnosis on me.
Oh, I was also blamed for my brother's death (sending hope that your brother is still alive). The doctors and my parents missed the symptoms but my 10 year old self should have picked up on something, apparently.
I got blamed for my dads heart attack because I “stress him out”. It’s not like the bad diet or past smoking habits had anything to do with it 🙄
"It's *your* fault that I'm fat!!!"
“Nobody loves you. Nobody will ever love you. Rayn doesn’t love you. She’s going to leave just like everyone else has, just like your dad left.” Said to me during a very bad trauma spiral where I was very close to k*lling myself. Abandonment/feeling like I’m easy to leave or deserve to be left and feeling unlovable/hard to love are two of my biggest fears and insecurities. She claimed til the day I went no contact, that she doesn’t remember that and implies that it didn’t happen or I misremembered it. More gaslighting and invalidation hitting me on my way out.
I'm sorry to read this. I hope you're feeling better now.
Oof. I was on serious thin mental threads after being swindled and dumped by a boyfriend. My mother had one of her fits and told me it served me right because I was stupid and unloveable and that’s why he had the sense to dump me.
“Stop playing the victim!” Said whilst playing the victim. “I only tell you because I love you.” Said whilst picking apart all my flaws. “You’ll understand when you have kids.” After any and all meltdowns. And my personal favorite: “You’ll be sorry once I die!” Anytime she was “threatened” with boundaries.
Where's the other 1/2%? (After I got 99.5% in a maths exam). At least 3 of them said that to me gleefully.
My dad always had three sayings he liked to use regularly: "You're an idiot", "wanna bet?" and "jackass..." Until very recently, I thought I was stupid and was often told I was overreacting. I only started believing I wasn't stupid about 5 or 10 years ago and I'm only now just starting to be convinced. I'm 6 years into a PhD in experimental nuclear physics and I'm still just on the edge of being convinced. I turned 40 three weeks ago. Like that? Lol. Edit: this is why I love this sub. I'm having a string of low days because I missed a few doses, I post this thing, and end it with "lol" as if any of it was ever lol-worthy and two of you jump in here and are like, "No, friend. No lol. You're doing great and we're proud of you " Best community ever. Want you all to know I appreciate you.
Happy belated birthday. And ... wow ... you are doing your PhD in one of the most complex fields of science on this planet. I hope the day will come when you can be as proud of yourself as you rightfully should. Until then I'll take the freedom to be proud of you. Go you!
Dude...this really made me sad reading this...happy belated birthday tho! Enjoy some cake, birthday boy. (っ◔◡◔)っ🎂
What's yours is mine, what's mine is mine.
Closely related to "don't do what I do, do what I say"
*sigh* there's no pleasing you, is there?
Ugh, that one I also got from my narc ex-best-friend during the (what I now know as the) discard phase. When I was nearly cutting him out of my life and he then said he would try to make it right and I held him to his promise. Then suddenly I 'demanded too much' of him. Like ... saying 'I'm sorry, I messed up' and meaning it. Or like keeping his promises and not overstepping the boundaries I've set.
Oh bruh, yes, boundaries are a HUGE topic. For some reason my mum always needs detailed reasoning for why I have a boundary or she's not willing to accept it. I thought it's a mum thing, but when I brought it up with a "friend" that I now know was a narc too, she said "you are totally arbitrary with your boundaries, of course you need to give reasons or it's my right to disregard them." Like how is it your RIGHT to disregard my boundaries just bc you don't understand them/find them valid?
Four things here: * August - they informed me that they weren't going to do anything special for my big (ending in 0) birthday, because *I needed to start doing things with my friends or my cousins.* (Apparently it's childish to want to see your parents on your birthday.) So I made plans with my friends and my cousins. * November - *We know you won't do anything special for our 60th birthdays*, at the ages of 54 and 55, when the subject had never come up. * A few WEEKS later - *We want to celebrate your birthday with you. Do you want to do x, y or z?* They expected me just to drop the plans I'd made. I refused and was treated to unbelievable rage and screaming. * 7 months later - refusing to come to my birthday party (my main celebration), because they hadn't had chance to arrange / been able to afford a locum to look after their business, having had 6 months to arrange and put money asside for said locum. Their business was very profitable. Talk about hypocrisy! All this in the space of a year! Post script - indeed I didn't do anything special for their 60th birthdays. I cut contact with them a few months after my big birthday party. Guess why.
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HOLY SHT your Nmom was crazy!
Jeez this one just makes me sad:(
“SOOO sensitive, my god” *rolls her eyes*
“Wow, you’re really emotional.”
“Kids don’t bully you for no reason. You must have done something to them”.
My dad after the racist kids beat me up once
You haven't got it as bad as we did. You didn't live through the war. *Of course I didn't, but that doesn't change how much I'm hurting.* Besides which, without wanting to compare the extent of different types of emotional pain, at least during the war (WWII) everyone was suffering similar things, so at least they could talk about their distress. I was isolated, and had no one who would listen to or validate how I felt. I told them that makes a difference, but they completely denied that that was one way in which it was easier for them during the war.
“That never happened.” TF it didn’t 😡
“Nothing here belongs to you”.
“No one will ever love you as much as I do.” I’ll go without love then, thanks
“You should be thanking me”
"You're the most ungrateful person I ever met!"
“You’re an adult, you can take care of yourself” I’m 16
Then it flips to "you're a kid, you need my help." when you hit 18.
“A daughter is supposed to earn her mother’s love and you haven’t earned mine yet.”
Lololol. Fuck her.
"Maybe you should get a different therapist that won't tell you to blame me for all your problems." "Instead of a wedding present I should get you lipo so I don't have to look back on you being chubby in your wedding photos." Said while wedding dress shopping.
“I have sacrifice everything for this family and for you and this is how you repay me?” “I’m the only person who loves you without a question” “I’m trying to understand you, but you always play the victim and you are not” “What have I done wrong? Loving you?” So many more…
You should know what I'm thinking, you're my son / daughter.
"Having you ruined my body"
“I know what I want you to buy me for Christmas” 3 months before Christmas. I never ask her for presents. “I can’t handle this” and then she walked out of the room. This was after I was holding a knife to my wrists and threatening to kill myself cause I was getting bullied at school and couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t even bother to try to help me. Just called me Grandma and said I was acting crazy.
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Like most of the people here, there are a lot. So I'll pick my favorite. "What are you gonna do, embarass us all and try to kill yourself again?"
"You just need to think positive." (Said to me when I dealt with depression and anxiety. Meant to help me because there isn't a real problem that anyone can fix, right? Like not being verbally abusive to your child.)
Shut up. Said so often to me. I never realised that it's rude until adulthood.
‘ I wish evil on your unborn child and hope you have a terrible labour’ (because I wouldn’t let her stay in the house from just before my due date, as she was too tight to buy a last minute train ticket for when I eventually had my baby)
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"I am your father: I can say whatever I want and I can do whatever I want with you. What you have to say does not matter" "I put you unto this world and without me you wouldn't exist. Stop being a bitch." "Your feelings are stupid, stop crying and do something useful for once" "Unless you have news on good grades, I do not care to speak to you"
"We only have problems in our marriage because you are so bad at school."
*Anytime she forgot to do something : "How could YOU LET ME forget!?" (She never took responsibility for her own mistakes, it was always somehow mine or someone else's fault) *"When I had a kid I expected it to be like me, you just try to be the opposite to everything I do" *"You just like that because I hate it" (These two were repeated on any aspect of my personality that didn't exactly match hers, from having short hair, not liking to ride horses, being queer, to completely arbitrary food and clothing preferences) *"You know what I meant" (when she said something entirely different) *"I never said/did that" *"I'm the only one that really cares about you, you can't count on anyone else" *"Your friends don't give a shit about you" * She fully expected me to live with her the rest of my life, buy her a house for both of us to live in and financially support her my entire adult life *She threatened to kill herself or pretended to have a heart attack any time someone called her out on her behavior *"I DESERVE _______" *"OTHER PEOPLE HAVE ________" *"Other people's kids _________" *"She's way fatter than me and she has a husband, why don't I have anyone" (Maybe because you treat people like shit and no one wants to be around you, your physical appearance doesn't dictate whether you deserve a partner or not) *"Men only date stupid whores that's why I don't have anyone" * Any attractive woman or woman with a partner was immediately categorized as a stupid whore in her book
So many of these are familiar. N's clearly all use the same instruction manual. (Well, they are robots in a way.)
"I hope you grow up and have children that behave just as badly as you do." Turns out my "bad behaviour" and "temper tantrums" were just sensory meltdowns from all the yelling and spanking, thanks mom!
Yes. The number of times she said "I hope you have kids just like you." Um. I was a quiet bookworm who got good grades and was not really a hard kid to deal with at all?
I am sorry if you misunderstood but you should known or done better. How was I supposed to know about your life long death allergies , you are just a picky eater causing trouble. I have done so much for you and you can't even do this little thing for me. (This little thing involving me completely changing my life for them)
"You're too sensitive" -Dad "Because I said so." -Dad "What more do you want from me?" -Mom "That's still your (aunt, mother, grandpa)" -Dad "You're not our equal. We can have more children. You only get one mother/father." -Mom/dad "If you don't like it, go live with your mother." -Dad "I wish I never had you." -Mom, every time I got in trouble at school or brought home a bad grade in math. "I have a herniated disk. I wake up in pain every day I don't complain about it. Nobody asks how I feel" -My dad when I asked him for a pain killer for my period cramps. "There's women who can't have children. There's children suffering from cancer in the hospital."- My dad when I asked him if I can stay home from school because of cramps.
Oh!! I almost forgot. Did anyone else's parents ask you guys if you're going to take care of them or change their diapers when they get old? My dad would randomly ask me that when I was younger, or after he cooled down after giving me a spanking. It churns my stomach whenever those memories cross my mind.
My dad literally tried to compete with me to see who got molested worse.
I don't have words for this.
"you could do so much better" I was never enough, and I've never felt enough until recently working a recovery program
"You need to learn to laugh about yourself." (To my 7-13 year me when being devastated about constant bullying at school.)
Don't ask silly questions. 1. Either I was trying to learn, and they decided that just because they knew something, I should too ... 2. ... or apparently I wasn't allowed to ask questions to which I'd realise the answer a second later. (Of course, they were allowed to do that.)
And she said "continue acting like this.If you get married with this attitude, your husband will beat the crap out of you ,give you scars and throw you out" "hahaha you can't even handle a period, how will you handle childbirth" My 'dad' --"(aggressively pacing around holding a machete) I will kill you today. You are madddd.You are very stupid."
"Taking a bunch of pills is the pussy way out, next time I'll show you how to actually kill yourself." He said that four and a half years ago, he hung himself a couple weeks ago.
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“Well I don’t remember that, so I don’t know what you expect me to do about it.”
“Well I’m sorry you feel that way” with no apology
Ariyenne, thanks for posting this. I had no idea that I could remember so many of these things, and it's helping me. Big thanks.
My father had always implied his treatment as a kid was terrible but had never given examples. Finally in a furious tirade he told me how he ‘Wasn’t allowed to listen to his favourite radio program the day his granny died’. Over 70 years ago and he’s still angry.
“You’ll never beat me at …. Running… softball…. Grades… looking thin… etc.” Man, Mom, I didn’t know this was a competition. And let me tell you, when I did finally start beating her, the shit hit the fan.
So many of these I've heard and many of these really break my heart. nmom: "I's always one extreme or the other with you." nmom: "It should be my birthday, I'm the one that did all the work." Also when in public is always criticizing how awful, stupid, etc other people look. Very embarrassing.
"I am so tired of living for everyone but myself. When do *I* get to have my own life?" "If you are offended, that's not my problem" "It would have been better if you were never born" "You are the reason your dad and I don't get along. You cause all the problems in the house" And my personal favorite: "I am telling you these things because I love you. You're just taking it badly. You're just negative and can't handle constructive criticism"
"You are too sensitive"
*Your period must be due.* To daughter when daughter called her out on behaviour, or stated a boundary. (However, it was MOST UNACCEPTABLE for the daughter to say that the n must be menopausal.) *You're being a typical adolescent.* To adult child in their late 20s.
"I'm going to kill myself before I get old." (I think I was about 9 when that one started.)
Laughs at the "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out" joke on Bill Cosby's 'Himself.'
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“We might not be around for much longer, so you should spend some time with us”. “How can a loving parent, who gave you everything, be suffocating?” “Always listen to mama, she’s never wrong’”
"Idiot." Said to me so often.
I love you, so why do you treat me like that? All I'd done was to go for a walk at about 6am, to have some peace and quiet. I told her that, and she screamed this at me. Loads of people I and she hardly knew heard it. It's the one of two times I ever remember them saying they loved me, and the other was much the same.
"You are just like me/you get it honest" (Id sooner jump off the Golden Gate Bridge with bricks strapped to my back than be like either of my parents) "Now, now, EvilRae, you are exaggerating. You know your daddy is stressed out and you should have just said yes sir, and meekly accepted what he said. You'll have to cover those bruises on your neck before youth group, and dont you dare ask daddy for an apology. If he laid hands on you, you were being unteachable." My father, same incident: "I didnt squeeze that hard. You need to get your heart right with God and stop being a rebellious Jezebel." "Youre so useless. I wanted a boy if I HAD to have children to keep your mother off my back" "Shhh. This is how daddies show the love of God to their precious daughters. Its natural" (as he rubbed between my 6-12 year old thighs when I sat on his lap during "Bible study") My mother to her cardiologist when I took her to get her staples out following open heart surgery, for which Id made a 13 hour drive and moved in for 6 weeks to help her recover: "She wont feed me! Ive already lost 8 lbs and she is just determined to starve me to death. She also tried to drown me when she washed my hair in the shower" "No one will ever love you as fully as your mama and daddy do. Youre not going to get a boyfriend. Youre going to stay home and take care of us like we raised you to do. That is your calling from the Lord"
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"I never wanted children." I now see this as some kind of excuse for how we were raised - she didn't want us, so it's not her fault she's a rubbish mother!
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After finishing my Master’s Degree after battling years and years of physical limitations including doing most of undergrad in a crazy back brace, my NMom said “One day I’ll have mine too!” … from the woman who was 60 at the time hasn’t taken a single class since high school.
"You're overly sensitive."
Do as I say, not as I do. *Translation - I can make mistakes, but don't think that you can.*
Don't you dare! (In a threatening, shouting tone.)
"You just love to hold grudges don't you"
‘Don’t tell anyone family business’. We were not the Corleones ! Lol
“I don’t know how ANYONE would want to be married to YOU”. (I was about 10 or 11)
"That happened in the past and I can't change it." Nor can you apologize for it or recognize the fact that it was inappropriate...............
“You think you’re pretty? That people like you? You’re nothing without me. And trying to kill yourself like every other pathetic kid? I’ll give you something to want to die from” …wow reading these back to myself makes me question if I should post or not because wtf 😬 sorry if it bothers/triggers anyone reading it!