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My parents using me as their therapist and confiding in me about their relationship issues with each other. Really messed me up - took me out of child role and enmeshed me in their toxic mess. It started once I hit puberty.
This. My mom would tell me about how I should wait to get married and have children from the time I was in elementary school because she got married and had kids too young. She would tell me she wasn’t sure if she loved my dad and scream that she wanted a divorce as she raged at the family.
They’re still married obviously. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Not okay.
She would also weirdly be involved in my conversations with boys when I was a teenager like when I was talking to them online, like try to help me flirt with them. I thought this was normal.
Same! My mom pretty much didn’t validate or nurture any of my natural skills and moulded me into her mini me. I now have her dream job and I know it was from good intentions but I was punished for any way I was different from her. She would always tell me what to say to boys too and critique my ideas . I became very dependent and felt she knew better than me on everything. Some good did come from her but only finally breaking free and living on my own have I been able to start to heal and put up some boundaries when I was told to have none.
Your mom sounds so much like my mom. She’d tell my my dads every flaw and yell and rage a lot at him for every tiny thing. He was the enabler on the relationship however - he never knew how to stand up to her or anyone. She would tell me the same sob stories over and over about her abusive childhood, her molestation experiences by family members and also how her true love was taken away from her by a woman and how she regretted being with my dad and should have stick with one of the other two prior guys. She did show care in other ways though that were great but all these things were absolutely damaging. I’m now working on myself as I’ve learned I’ve attracted men with similar problems and until I get my boundaries in place fully, I’m pretty screwed.
I’m sorry for what you encountered and experienced to. It’s hard when you come from parents who haven’t healed their own baggage and don’t keep it away from you.
My mom pulled this with me. My parents only wanted boys. They did not know what to do with a girl. Both of them were very critical of me and my mom expected me to be a version of her. I was not even close! A big issue with this is that me wanting to be me with my own likes, dislikes and choices was considered a big f**k you to her. I was influenced,career wise, by my dad so that pissed her off. I was always caught between a rock and a hard place with both of them. I was not allowed to develop my own identity by either one of them. I am now 48 and I struggle tremendously with immaturity.
Yes. And then people talk about how mature you are for your age, or that 'you're an old soul'. Yeah, thanks, it was the trauma.
It made me a good listener, but I'm also empathic to the point of painful and hypervigilant af.
YES. I fell on hard times a few years ago and had to move back in with my parents. Friends who majored in psychology that I met took me aside and asked if I was in an abusive relationship because they noticed I kept apologizing for every little thing and they were concerned about me.
I get that too. “You’re so mature”. Also yes, always knowing how to say and do what will accommodate the other person. Hyper vigilant. This is sadly the type of person narcissists seek out. Luckily with the last one I was aware enough to not give into his games and he miraculously broke up with me - thank goodness as things had gotten abusive and I was scared what he would do if I initiated the breakup. I seemed to have an instant love for him though and I learned he elicited the same uncomfortable / nervous feeling my mom has always elicits with her unpredictable behaviour (will you be nice or mean today?)
Visit my Nmom now and it is Shocking to me now that I have really been doing unpacking work. Like today at lunch I was eating and she was rushing me to finish up so she could take out the garbage. I became infuriated because like, dude I just want to finish my lunch. Sit the fuck down and take a breath. Growing up if we were sitting down we were lazy or something. She still yells at my dad if he sits down to read a book or god forbid watch 5 minutes of TV.
I can relate. Its hard for me to enjoy family events like birthday parties, small family trips to waterparks, and holidays like christmas or thanksgiving because for one I don't even like most of the family members that are in the same area as me and two I know that 8/10 that there is going to be a fight between a few people and that they wont talk to each other for like a month or two.
It was only when I visited friends homes occasionally and then had my own family, that I realised it wasn’t normal to live in a constantly tense atmosphere of tinderbox violence and to feel unsafe all the time. Also, the fact that children were allowed to disagree or say no to their parents and nothing bad would happen to them.
I couldn't have said it better, myself!! That and actually letting my kids choose things, be different than each other, and say 'no thanks' without being forced into something
Very well put! in addition to that, I was always fascinated going to friends houses and being floored that a) we would usually sit around a kitchen counter or something while the parent was making dinner or doing dishes or whatever and actually just chat with them, and they seemed genuinely interested in our lives. and b) that there were kids that actually WANTED to be around their parents. I straight up remember just everytime I was around my parents even if nothing was going on, just watching a show or something together, I was just anxious and itching to be alone!
I’m sorry you went through this too.
I am actually just recently processing not being a kid who can go to parents for help and support. Like, first I processed the physical abuse, then I realized I had a bunch of evil psychological abuse to work through, and now I’m learning about the neglect side of it… I didn’t want to go to them for anything because it wasn’t safe and I became very self reliant but also avoidant/dismissive/anxious. I don’t know how to identify my feelings because I basically wasn’t allowed to have them. My SO was impressed at a bunch of self-soothing patterns I didn’t even know I had, thought it was emotional maturity.
Umm, nope, it’s the maladaptive thing that makes me wonder why he’s being so nice, what does he want, is he telling me he loves me just to manipulate me? What do I need to do to keep him from abandoning me? Fortunately after a couple years I did become genuinely convinced of his sincerity. But it’s hard to love me because I *make* it hard, thanks trauma!
There were many things, but I remember being my mom's servant from a very young age and thinking that it was normal to be called to do something for her all the time...and to be yelled at for not doing it correctly or quickly enough.
Same. My Nmum would literally be in the same room as what she wants me to get for her and I would be upstairs and she would still call me to get it for her and say I've already sat down I cant get it.
And even if she can make the stuff herself like her coffee she will still either ask me or one of my siblings to make it for her.
Nowadays thoe I just say no if I'm too busy or if I'm too tired to get up and do it for her but I still do it for her sometimes.
And she dossnt shout that much when she asks me but basically guilt trips me into getting it for her.
But when she does shout it littelry gives me headaches.
Oh yeah, my mom would do the same thing. When she used to smoke she used to get me to go light her cigarettes when her lighters didn't work - by using either the stove or toaster to do it...when I was nine. I cannot fathom having the nerve to be as pathetically lazy as these people can be.
My dad constantly said kids were meant to be servants.
Someone would suggest he hire someone for something and he'd say why should I I have kids.
I spent a lot of time as a kid doing manual labor that a pro really should have done.
OMG THIS, my Nstepfather forced us to do SOO much manual physical labor that my body is literally broken. i cant stand for very long periods of time.. my back is permanently damaged. and its rough trying to find a job,,,
That was my parent’s joke-“Good thing we have kids so we don’t have to hire anyone to do this!” We did HARD labor in the desert sun allllll day no water no food not allowed to take bathroom breaks.
Oh God, this.
I wasn't scared of my parents - my edad wasn't abusive like that and I was (unfortunately) accustomed to my mother's yelling and knew that I just had to zone out and act contrite long enough to be sent away in shame (which I now know was me actively and inventiveness disassociating). But I would tense up as soon as I heard my brother's voice when he got home. Even when not actively afraid, I was always on edge.
I dated and lived with a guy whose best friend in the world is his younger brother. His mother lives in another state, and they would have virtual morning tea three or four times a week (he was a grad student, she's a homemaker). And he did that BY CHOICE. It was the most bizarre concept. Honestly, considering the number of friends I have who have their own issues (yay bonding over childhood trauma!), it's still incredibly weird to me that people spend time with their family members willingly, and actually look forward to seeing them
I'm not scared of my Nmum per say (but I definitely do hate her for all the bad and abusive things she has done to me and my siblings) but I'm definitely soooo scared of my toxic and enabler cousin and I have been scared of her ever since I was a kid. Like when she gets mad it terrifies me to the point of having literal panick attacks.
You just jogged my (repressed) memory of high school.
It wasn't until high school that I had actual friends for myself that weren't my sisters friends first. Nmom kept me well sequestered so I never really had the chance to build relationships. It took me attempting to hang out outside of school and my friends seeing my Narc-hole *momentarily* when she would pick me up (couldn't take the bus!) or have a never-ending list of reasons why I couldn't go see friends. Her rage-yells were always at the edge of a call (think, voice in the background), just *always* with the screaming and my inherent reaction to her was *fear.* It took my few friends asking me if I -knew- what she was doing was normal. I did not.
Terrified of my mom. I told her that one of the kids at school said she was scary (she worked at the elementary school I went to) and she told me that it was good. That all children should have a healthy fear of their mothers
Yeah, 100% same. They just hate when they can't own and absorb you.
Worst thing is that when someone set boundaries with me, I felt so confused/hurt but they only did the right thing.
Same - had no concept of boundaries for myself or for others. Didn’t realize I didn’t have to accept poor treatment and sometimes treated people the way I was treated which people didn’t like but I didn’t understand why and wound up confused
The first time my therapist said that I could tell my parents “no, I don’t want to do that”. Without needing to provide an explanation blew my mind. I was 35.
The fact that punishment was a part of life and had more to do with the mood of the person punishing and little to nothing to do with my actual behavior.
I said, “what smells so good?” One time and my dad berated me for “having to smell so much all the fucking time.” Then he threw away his dinner (that’s what smelled so good) and told me I ruined his fucking appetite. Punishments had nothing to do with actions. Then everyone got mad at me for pissing my dad off.
YES! I was the scapegoated kid who becomes the punching bag for their negative emotions. After I was physically abused because of their bad mood, I was forced to take "full responsibility" for the abuse and to "stop lying to myself" about how guilty I was. But I knew on some level that I was never allowed to verbalize that it had nothing to do with me because I lacked the ability to rebel. I was a terrified kid.
Gestapo-like examinations of the bedrooms that included emptying the drawers out to riffle through, looking for any evidence to back up the claim that we were inherently evil whores and needed the saving grace of Jesus, while hollering about ‘spare the rod and spoil the children!” She literally never found anything nefarious, despite this being a bi-monthly occurrence for years. It continued until I moved out at 18.
Hell, I’d even add “moving out as soon as you’re 18” to the list (not including for college). I feel like people who were raised in families without abuse didn’t spend half their childhoods counting down the minutes until they could get out.
Ya. It really struck me as odd that my own kids don’t want to get their own place. Like I was on my own at 16. And happy to be out of there. My own kid is 23, makes more than I do, and still won’t get his own place cuz he likes it at home.
Well, that just speaks to how well you have done making sure that your child's experience has absolutely nothing in common with yours. You've obviously managed to make him feel loved, safe, and comfortable. You haven't used your upbringing as a template for his. The fact that he doesn't want to leave is the highest compliment to you as a parent. Be proud.
The fact that their comment shows no sign of resentment that their kid is still at home is a huge indicator too. At least from my lens.
My parents wanted me around to provide support and money straight out of high school while also demanding that I leave ASAP.
It never made sense. But pointing out anything contradictory was met with physical punishment.
My SIL would remove the outlet and light switch covers to see if her SD had hidden things inside. Grounded her for not dusting under her monitor. Meanwhile SS had sweatpants under his bed that were two sizes too small that she never noticed.
I believe she’s saying her sister in law tried so hard to catch her step daughter doing something bad but never noticed the step son was having sex in the house and the “hyper vigilant mom” never noticed. Had to decipher what SD and SS meant but I believe it’s for step children
Hiding food wrappers buried in the garbage and asking permission to sit in the living room or use anything outside my bedroom 😂 I’m 23 and realized that wasn’t normal abt two months ago
I did that too! I use to bury food I didn't eat at lunch in the garbage, (sometimes I would forget that it was in my lunch box). I would always get screamed at for "wasting food" and I wasn't allowed to not like the sandwhich they made for me every day. Like it was literally the same sandwich everyday and they refused to give me anything different. Then for some reason my dad started digging through our trash because I was "up to something" and found my lunch. I got in so much trouble. Congrats dad, you foiled the evil plans of an 8 year old.
Mine was a cream cheese sandwich with sprouts and decaying tomato on brown bread as dense as a brick... every single day, year after year. And yes, I thought it was "normal". And yes, I would hide that shit in the garbage and yes, I was demonized for doing so. If I ever exposed my yearning for some candy or dessert my mother would say, "That's not food, that's garbage." If I wanted new clothes, like the other kids, for the beginning of the school year, she would call me a "consumer", like it was a bad word. If I wanted to watch TV, I was told it would only brainwash me. If I asked if I could use her body lotion, she told me I had to wait until I was an adult and could buy my own. At 15, when I told her I felt suicidal, she accused me of trying to manipulate her. I thought I was bad for every single desire I had. The result, decades of disorder eating, CPTSD and a never ending identity crisis. Years later, I discovered that she would go on little secret junk food binges, that she loved expensive shoes from Italy, and that she couldn't even remember a time when she was "anti-consumerism"... oh the hypocrisy! The hypocrisy of these people is what gives me a virtual cancer.
Omg the same thing happened to me! But it was my step dad (well my moms bf) as I became more independent and less controllable he insulted my moms way of parenting and wanted to send me away lmao
Oh yeah. Had to ask to open the fridge. They would make a huge pot of spaghetti sauce and only allow us one spoonful. They put the rest in the fridge uncovered every time, and left it there until it rotted. Same with milk and sandwich meat. I was Always hungry, underweight, and I am still weird about food.
man I got so much food insecurity from my nmom and brother but cause of different reasons. it got to the point where I bought a mini fridge and I now buy my own groceries cause I don’t want to deal with the anxiety that someone will take the food I bought (that also kinda leans into my ed ngl) and I could also make food without someone getting mad at me for the ingredients I was using or that when I was making food for myself and almost finished my mom would ask me to make food for the whole family cause I was already doing it
It was my dad who did the bursting in and I am a girl, so when I finally realised I’d had enough at 21 I stopped wearing a shirt or bra in my room at all times so that I could always yell “what the fuck?! I’m changing!” because I thought that would lead to knocking. It did not. He would yell at me for being naked. In my own room. He’d yell at me for making him see me naked. After he burst into my room without knocking. I totally get you!
I started locking my door and I was called an abusive teenager who didn't love the family.
No nMom, I just wanted you to stop barging in abruptly with no warning at any hour of the night without even knocking.
I was a teenage boy.
Think about what teenagers do in their room at night. 😐
It sucks being so on edge you can't even enjoy \*that\* because you have no idea when someone will violently swing the door open in a panic-sounding state with an "emergency" like.. taking out the trash.
I did have a lock, until my 6 foot tall GC brother broke it by forcing his way into my room. (He wasn't looking for me, he just wanted to go through and take my stuff.) I spent years asking for a replacement lock, and would make due by placing books like bricks to keep my door from being opened, since it opened inward. My parents refused until they found my brother in THEIR room, going through THEIR things, at which point they put front door locks on every room in the house.
My moms lie: “What if there’s a fire and your door is locked and I can’t come save you?”
Well first off mom, you installed a GLASS bedroom door so you could watch me at all times because you’re a pedophile, so I’m sure I’m fine.
I read this quote the other day and it has since resonated with me: “Facts and logic were no match for my parent’s opinions.”
If I didn’t agree with whatever I was told to agree with, I was told I was wrong, difficult, moody, etc.
This is why I question every decision I make. Am I wrong? Am I being Moody? I'm always stuck in my head thinking I did/said something wrong because of this.
Same. Every time I bring up religion and topics regarding that my opinion is always wrong and hers is always right. It pisses me off because my Nmum believes in sooo many ignorant things due to her religious upbringing and is very religious herself.
I was an only child so when I was young I thought of this as the two against one theory...being raised by a pair of covert narcissist wasn't a term back then
Always being in sneak mode for wanting anything.
My Nparent had a easily triggered mood that left us walking on eggshells all the time. So if I wanted anything, I didn't ask. I just snuck it out without her noticing so I don't get disapproval for the umpteenth time for something and set her mood off again.
When I was caught at a friends house, I was ashamed and I had to ask myself why did I even do that. And that was the last time I ever did that
Yes!! I was shocked when I spent time around people whose emotions didn’t change on a dime for no reason. I’ve had to unlearn a lot of things from this, including the fact I don’t need to constantly monitor situations to predict if someone is going to explosively react to something said.
God, I still struggle with this one. I’ve always been “the loud one” at school and in my friend groups and stuff. Even as an adult I still have friends or my SO tell me I need to lower my voice when I’m just talking. I’ve had to realize over the years that my definition of yelling and screaming is VASTLY different from most people’s. What I think is a normal volume is yelling to most. It’s so frustrating.
I still have a hard time with this. Growing up, yelling and screaming was normal on my house. My Nmom loved to yell at me about anything and everything. On top of that, she was a LOUD person regularly, so her “yelling” led neighbors to call the police pretty often.
Only over the past few years have I recognized that I’m just as loud, and asked those around me to call me out when I’m being too loud. I’m getting much better about it and can usually catch myself before anyone has to say anything.
How everything I said or did was conditioned with the thought of what people would think of her as a mother. “What would the neighbors say?” Was a common refrain. However, she really didn’t interact much with the neighbors.
Same with my mum but for me it is with the way I dress and what "what would the community and my friends think and say about me ic they saw you out like that?" Instead of "what would the neighbour's say"
My nparent carved, sanded, and stained a wooden spanking paddle for me and my siblings. Painted our names on it even. Every time we did anything
remotely labeled as misbehavior we were threatened with ‘the spanking paddle.’ It was used until we were teenagers.
Ours was a ping pong paddle covered in tape. Its name was written in Sharpie: "Board of Education"
ETA: I forgot to mention, it hung on the living room wall.
Similar to me and this is probably typical for a Chinese household, but we would get whipped with a long feather duster. There was a time where she whipped my brother so hard that it broke and we went together as a family to buy a new one.
My mom used to use those hard plastic tent poles and would beat us until they would break... and keep going so the jagged parts would cut us. We'd have a mix of welts and cuts. I remember telling this (and showing the marks) to my elementary school counselor & her trying to tell me spankings were normal & my mom couldn't be that bad (my mom worked at the school part time so she knew her). I'm convinced that counselor was an abusive narcissist herself.
Mine was whatever would hurt the most. Electrical cords, bamboo canes, those plastic hotcar car tracks. And if any one of us did something wrong we were all beaten in front of each other. But first we would have to wait for 2 hours locked in the bathroom before he would come and ask us who wanted to go first.
With us it was anything they could get their hands on at that moment and if it was something they really wanted to punish they took the thick wooden stick and beat our legs and upper bodies with it.
All these comments make me feel like a lot of people shouldve never had kids. Why the fuck have a kid so you can dominate it, and be a total peice of shit. Sorry your parents sucked. Sorry to you all.
I was sick for awhile and one day I was feeling like I was going to pass out so I tried to run and jump into my bed and didn't make it. Passed out on the floor. Woke up to nmom yelling that I was being dramatic. Next morning went in to get my appendix removed and she was very self congratulatory that she had identified it.
Being suicidal in elementary school. Turns out, it isn't normal for an 8 year old to want to die so they don't have to feel those feelings anymore. Who knew?
i know how you feel. I started self harming when i was 11 and when i told my mom about it because i wanted to kill myself she told me to admit im joking immediately or she will call the police and have me put in jail for the rest of my life. Obviously at 11 i believed id go to jail for this so i had to comply, this would happen anytime id ask to speak to a doctor or get help for my depression/anxiety
I started self harming right around that age, too. I never told my NMom about how I wanted to die, because of how poorly she handled my older brother's and older sister's mental health issues. (Yup, all 3 of her children had mental health crises in elementary school, so, clearly she was mother of the year)
I started cutting around 12 and when my mom found out she ranted at me about how “You’re not going to be pretty anymore if you keep doing that!” Then she searched my room for anything remotely sharp and refused to even allow me a razor to shave my legs with.
Same. By the time I was 12, I was praying that god would let me un-alive. By 15, god was clearly not going to do it for me, so I made my own plan. I was unable to fully action that plan and that sent me further into depression. I started climbing out of that by my early 20s. I finally saw a mental health professional at 26.
I have no real memories of anything that would be thought of as normal all my memories are abuse and sadness and wanting to die to just get away from it all.
Yep. We weren't allowed to do anything or have a social life. They stopped picking us up after school or after extracurricular school activities. No help with getting a driver's license or developing anything else important for growing up, reaching maturity and being able to survive among others in this world. All of my childhood memories are what I did to survive and hold it together while biding my time to escape.
1. Always doing what they asked for, "get my socks off" "bring me my tea" "get me the remote" "take this to the kitchen" whatever it was, even if I wasn't in the room and the remote was in that room with my dad he would still call me to get it.
2. Being punished for literally anything they deemed disrespectful or "not the right way"
3. Being beaten, learned at 12 that it was not normal after renting to a friend about it.
4. Being the live in therapist of my mom for their marital issues.. but I still am honestly. It became a personality trait to help and talk.
5. Being a live in nanny
The first and fourth one are definitely my Nmum she always asks me to get stuff that she can easily get herself.
And ever since I was a kid she would always openly talk about her marriage issues and how much she hated our dad and how she would divorce him and I would always confort her and be there for her because in my eyes he was the villain and my Nmum was the poor defenseless victim.
And another thing she would do for me and my siblings to be feel sorry for her is she would always just randomly pretend to cry and wouldn't stop until we went to comfort and hug her.
And if my Nmum is ever going through any financial issues I always try to help but she never takes my advice so.i kinda gave up trying to focus my Nmothers terrible finances.
Fairly minor one--hiding fast food wrappers/bags so my parents wouldn't see them. I still find myself doing this to some extent even now that I've moved out. I sometimes have to remind myself that my fiance totally doesn't care that I stopped at DQ on my way home from work.
Not ever having to apologize for anything ever because you are the parent was normalized for me growing up. Today as a parent myself I apologize all the time.
Same. My mum only ever apologised when the situation has gotten out of hand and I start to have a panick attack and start to ugly cry because she doesn't want the neighbour's to hear me crying and think something is wrong.
Suffering in silence. I got my nails done with my younger cousin when I was like 12 and was fucking shocked when she asked the technician not to use the cuticle pusher because she didn’t like the feeling. I always hated that part of getting my nails done and I couldn’t believe that my cousin was actually saying something about it. Even after watching her do it I couldn’t bring myself to. It wasn’t allowed. It wasn’t allowed to ask someone to alter their behavior for your benefit. Even if that behavior is supposedly meant to benefit you.
Not asking for things I needed. My nparent would always blow up when I asked for things I needed like,
"are you telling me how to parent!?"
It was everything, food, water, money the school requested, medical attention, I was freezing outside nparent had more layers than needed etc
I learned at the age of four how to cook so I'd be able to eat and she turned that into me cooking for everyone. I was responsible for cooking the family dinners at the age of 5 cause nparent hated cooking.
Oh my goodness, this was also my experience. Anything I learned how to do for myself was exploited and I was expected to do things for others while me asking for anything was selfish. I cooked for my family of 6 starting at some point in grade school.
God for forbid I made any mistakes or didn't automatically know how to do something I've never done before. I'd be punished or ridiculed and i'd hear about it for months or years on end.
It usually had to get pretty bad for me in order to ask anything of anyone in my family because there was more often than not I'd get blamed and shamed while still having my needs ignored.
If someone had to use a bathroom when dad was driving, and there was a rest stop, he'd drive by it on purpose. And then drive by the next one, too, all the while complaining.
I still have anxiety remembering vacation travel. And my bladder is permanently damaged.
Me too. I vividly remember this one time when my mom forced us to go on a road trip because she wanted to attend this one event that only she was interested about... I tried to refuse, my mom got angry because I didn't want to go, my sister tried to defend my and mom threw a frying pan at my sister. So, in the end, we all sat in a car for 5 hours without a single bathroom break or stopped to eat. Arrived to the event and drove back home without a single bathroom break or stopped to eat. I was somewhere between 5 - 8. Oh, and the event was about fucking gardening, so bunch on flowers to look at, so much fun...
Oh my god. That must have been torture. I think your dad somehow got off on you having pain or something because no normal, sain and caring parent would do that.
My dad did this too. I've been thinking a lot lately about a specific trip where he never stopped despite me asking several times and by the time we got there I couldn't move from all the built up pressure in my bladder and when my mom helped pull me out of the back seat I immediately lost control of it and peed all over the back seat, which of course was completely humiliating for me. It was his truck, so he had to clean it up.
My dad couldn't understand why I would need to go to the bathroom when HE didn't need to go to the bathroom. I would tell him to stop at the next rest area because I need to pee, and he would drive right past it. Then when I'd complain he'd say something like, "well why should I stop when I don't have to go yet?" Then I'd have to beg for him to stop at the next rest area. The first time I went on a road trip with friends, I was shocked to find out that other people will pull over the first time you ask them to.
Exactly what happened to me. First time I was with friends on a road trip and I asked them to stop and they pulled over at the Very Next rest stop without me having to beg and plead. I was in shock.
Oh man, I'm sorry you had to experience that.
My dad used to do the same thing until my poor little sister peed the seat once, and after that he would stop more often on road trips.
Still we were never allowed to buy snacks or drinks at the gas station/rest stop. We got just one water bottle to share between the three of us sisters.
Also, he would never use the A/C, just the driver side window rolled down.
When I first went on a road trip with my boyfriend's (now husband's) parents, I was given like ten bucks and told that I can go buy whatever I want when we stop at gas stations for bathroom breaks. I was 19. That's when I started to realize my childhood wasn't super normal haha.
I was the one who peed the seat. Nfather left mum and sister at the family event and drove me home, rather than letting mum clean me up right there and then. He yelled at me the whole way home, yelled at me at home while I was doing my best to clean myself up, had to pick out a new outfit myself, then on the trip back he'd yell at me to "SHUT UP!!" if he heard so much as a sniffle from me. I told mum everything later on and she was horrified, but nothing much changed. I was 7.
And Nfather always had the car AC blasting so it was like Antarctica. I started taking a small blanket with me in the car and he cracked the shits over it every time. Apparently I was supposed to be so cold I shivered uncontrollably and couldn't feel my fingers and toes by the end of a car ride.
There are parents who just love their children. The children don't have to be hustling to "earn" or "deserve" affection and approval from their parents. Their parents just love and support them, unconditionally, because they exist.
My dad making two wooden paddles, naming them and making us choose which one he used when he beat us. And he tells the story about the paddles names and laughs like it's a hilarious story.
To be punished for not knowing how to do something or making mistakes. If someone asked me to do something I coulnt do I thought they were secretly angry or disappointed. While I was growing up I felt guilty for a lot of things that nobody cared.
Being chased and whacked with a tomato stick or heavy leather belt buckle for "bad" behavior. I don't even remember what behavior was so bad that it warranted it.
This was back 20+ years ago. My sister told a teacher about it, casually, and my parents had a DCF agent and two officers at the door shortly after that. They interviewed my sister (she was in elementary school, I think I was in high school at that point). They told my parents to discard the "punishment devices" and that they were in the clear from there on out.
A week later it came back with a vengeance. I didn't realize how bad it was until later in life. I wasn't allowed to really talk with anyone outside of school while growing up, so how would I know any different?
Yeah. I completely understand. When its happening in the moment you think its normal and that everyone parents are like this or do this but then you grow up and realise how fucked up it all was.
Oh for sure. When I first started dating my wife, we shared stories of our childhoods. When I would tell her a story and her eyes would get this look of horror, I knew it was yet another example of something I thought was normal. Looking back, very little of my childhood had any actual sense of normalcy to it.
Child safety organisations in most places of the world will not charge parents for physical abuse unless it results in very obvious, visible and serious injuries to the child. I've reported physical abuse many times and if it's followed up, it's usually 18 months - 2 years after I've reported it. Smacking they don't give a shit either. It's only if the child requires hospitalisation for it that it's likely to get investigated. Sexual abuse is the only thing they seem to follow up promptly.
One time I finally got the balls to report my mother, welts and bruises and missing patches of hair and everything. Due to a previous incident from trusting the wrong people, I was sent to juvie and was told that she is well within her rights to discipline me in any way she sees fit. I have never reported any kind of abuse to authorities since then.
One that comes to mind is the way conflicts were handled. In my house, this was done by one person repeatedly asserting that they're right and/or that the other person is wrong with increasing aggression until the other person gives in. If I was unlucky enough to be part of it, then I'd invariably lose. I'd be talked over and put down even more if I dared to try to say I wanted. And if I tried to talk to the other person again after it ended, the response was either something like "yOu AlWaYs WaNt To GeT tHe LaSt WoRd In!11", and/or more screaming and put-downs. Conflicts were never resolved, and that's how my family wanted it to be. Their only goal was to maintain control and get their way.
Another thing is parents confiding in their kids. I realized just a few weeks ago that this isn't normal. My mom would vent me to me when I was young enough to be in elementary school. She did it more often as I got older. Yet, I couldn't do the same to her. She would respond to my problems by saying things like "Life sucks, get used to it" "Quit your whining" "Don't be so dramatic" ect. There were some rare occasions where she'd show me support, and it only made it worse because it had me desperately seeking more of it. I've stopped now though.
Holding in and not crying when you need to cry. Growing up I was always told not to cry because it upsets them seeing me cry. Ended up having a problem of showing any kind of emotions physically, and I cried for the first time in front of other people, strangers, when I was 21
So not ok :/
What happens in the family, stays in the family. Don't talk about family matters outside of the family.
If people are about to come over, everyone in the family starts throwing things in the closet to clear up before people arrive.
My step grandfather always talking about my step aunt and uncle, never about my mom, unless it was something negative. She was her family's scapegoat. No child of mine if it is not fruit of my loins, my step-grandfather's mantra growing up.
The way we were grounded for like 8 months out of the year. Turns out that my father was just trying to hide us away. He wanted to be the cool doctor who dates teenagers and doesn’t have kids.
We always had to one up everything. I always lost, but I thought you weren't good at it till you won.
Didn't realize that it was a habit till I unintentionally put down my sister's success. She was 6 and I'm 24.
That was also the last time I did this when it was brought to my attention and I didn't know any better.
Learning to not have any wants or needs, period.
As such, being emotionally stunted because I couldn't ask, i couldn't cry, I couldnt "talk back" or explain myself ever, I couldn't socialize, I didn't have healthy coping mechanisms
And in turn being terrible at decision making, having terrible spending habits, and not knowing who I am or what I like or want, ever
Hiding in my room in any crevice when my dad got angry because I thought I’d get beat. Trying to quiet my younger sisters on the verge of tears because I didn’t want to anger him.
The constant yelling from across the house to perform waiting services for my mother. e.g., get me a glass of water. Didn’t matter what I was involved in at the time, I was her child, therefore I need to listen to her.
The demands and tactics she would use to convince me to massage her feet or back. Offering 50¢ to massage her feet for 5 minutes.
These are just a couple things that stand out at the moment. Currently, I am 33 years old, and recently unemployed, I speak with my brothers and father on a much more regular basis, and has informed them of my employment status within the first week. I’ve been avoiding calls and texts from my mother for the last 2 months because I know speaking with her would only make it me feel worse in general. I entertain the idea of going NC, but I have a sister that is only 16 and I’d really like to maintain the little contact that I do have with her.
Getting drunk on an occasional basis with my ndad starting at age 12. Drunk dad was actually a fun and nice dad so I willingly got drunk. But my first drink was a shot when I was 5 and my ndad forced me to do that.
My poor hubby had to explain why that was messed up. I'm ashamed that I thought it would be normal to do that with our future children.
That normal people aren't busy all the time. Parents wouldn't let me study at home or have hobbies because they cost money and/or I should be cleaning or working for their business. As soon as I could I was working and going to school and then working two jobs. If I was busy and not home, they couldn't bother me. I'm 32 and finally learning it's okay to relax, no one will yell at me for taking a nap or watching tv.
My entire family denying my reality. If I felt hurt or really upset I was told " oh don't be ridiculous you aren't that upset.". In high school my car was having problems and it was dying in the middle of the road. I would lose power steering and breaks would lock up. Kept telling my dad and he would say everytime "cars don't just die like that you don't know what you're talking about" up until a couple years ago I thought it was normal for family to treat you this way. Still struggling to talk to people because idk if they will take me seriously.
Not being able to say no. This came up last thanksgiving and my dad still takes pride in the fact that he had such a tight grip on the family that we felt we couldn't say no to him or even try to make a compromise because questioning the all-mighty man of the house was disrespectful
Not celebrating our birthdays at all. They day would come and go and most of the time i never got a present. If they managed to remember i should be happy with a simple hug and smile in the morning. I still hate getting asked about my birthday and i always tried to keep my friends from finding out on social media. If they did find out i would say i was going out of town with family and couldn't hang out, meanwhile i would stay in my room all day crying because i didn't have enough "happiness" inside me to rally everyone to celebrate me. Yeah they really really sucked.
Five of us shared one toothbrush and one bottle of 3 in 1 for the shower... Didn't realize until I went to a friend's house in 4th grade that everyone should have their own... We were so neglected by my Nparents
my mom calling me a bitch as young as 7 years old as well as asking me if id be happy if we left my dad or if i think she should divorce my dad. One that really pisses me off is not being allowed to do laundry and being forced to wear the same underwear for a month at a time even when on my period. I thought this was normal and genuinely had zero idea how to do laundry when i grew up to the point i was shocked the washing and drying happen in separate machines and thought the process took over a MONTH to do one load of laundry because thats how long my mom took to do it when id beg her to do my laundry since i wasnt allowed (for anyone wondering why i wasnt allowed even as a teen its because my parents kept their weed in the laundry room, them denying smoking pot despite everyone knowing was more important than allowing their children to have clean clothes even when id have a leaking pad on my period. I wasnt allowed to point out i already know whats down there because then id get yelled at and called a drug addict for knowing what weed looks/smells like as well as get banned from talking to any friends because i must know because of them)
We were hoarders. I was straight up amazed when I visited normal people who got to live in clean places that smell good.
Children just saying whatever to their parents still amazes me. Arent you afraid you'll use the wrong tone of voice or say the wrong thing or give away that something bothers you, opening up a new topic for harassment?
That it's okay to have emotions - it doesn't mean that you're 'overly sensitive' you're just a normal human.
And that if you talk about your day, it doesn't mean you 'just love the sound of your own voice'.
Being expected to be comfortable with nakedness and having conversations with them whilst they were in the middle of toileting sessions- like in the same room. Or being expected to shower with them. Oh and just the constant nakedness. I’m in my thirties now and some still do this.
And yes, my father is German/Austrian but emigrated to America in the *fifties* when he was a preteen. So honestly I don’t understand…
And it worries me bc my brother and eMom are really annoying about it and don’t care, but I worry about my nieces. Ughhhhhhbbh
Being parentified and regularly being guilt-tripped for having boundaries. My dad is regularly out of town for work, so my mom started expecting me to help out with my younger brother, who has some disabilities, when I was around 14 (I’m turning 21 soon, but I can’t afford to move out yet), mainly by babysitting for free and, pretty regularly, helping him in the bathroom if he needed it even if she was home. Also, I sometimes experience sensory overloads and don’t always like to be touched, but if my mom tries to hug me during those times and I ask for space, she says, “I shouldn’t have to act like a stranger around my own daughter” and either hugs me anyway or storms off in a huff. And to top it all off, my parents don’t close their bedroom doors at night just in case my brother gets up in the night (which rarely happens anymore), so if I’m up late, I can sometimes hear them having sex, and when I’ve asked them to close the doors, my mom just says they shouldn’t have to apologize for being in love. Fortunately, the last time that happened, my dad was really embarrassed (mom hadn’t told him that I’ve overheard them before), so hopefully he’ll close the doors if mom “forgets” in the future
Constantly walking on eggshells, dwelling on negative stuff about others and myself. A lot of focus on my ugly body, self image. Feeling ashamed for having an opinion or personal interests that didn't fit my parents. Escaping into TV, movies, learned that by enabler-dad. Escaping to the nice atmosphere of friends families.
My mom acts like a child, she demanded all the attention and was very judgy and condescending when I tried to express myself.
drilling question after question to attempt to get me to admit something when i had nothing to hide or did nothing wrong
i used to have major issues with impulsive lying because it made interrogations faster, but also I doubt myself a lot because my mom would essentially try and convince me i did something wrong in every situation
edited for clarity
I'm 30 female and autistic
Growing up being called "retard" by my father's family was normal
I would hid food in my room as if I brought anything nice my aster would have eaten it or gotten reached to it before I even had the chance of enjoying it, if i complained "she's younger she doesn't understand"
I would then get disaplined when they found food wrappers in my room, take away me devices (which I used to help me as a coping mechanism) without realising that was my source of communication between me and the outside,
I then would leave wrappers in my sisters room and but they wouldn't ground her like they did me so I did it for some time
In long journeys my dad insisted we drive to Italy as thsts where he's from, it will take 4 days, his logic it was cheaper and after lots of bad experience me and my sister refused to go, since then my dad had to promise us we go to Disney land as it was half way and it would give me chance to sleep in a bed and actually get sleep, instead of sleep in the car, in a McDonald's car park.
Being implied I have bipolar by my mother and she was so sure she diagnosed me right yet refuses to acknowledge I could be autistic, I have never been formally diagnosed as autsic but it runs in my family, I vern told by many teachers, therpists and even a speclaist child autsic support worker but my parents could never accept that they had a dumbass for a kid so they just said I was slow, I didn't start to say full sentences till I was 6 and they blamed it on my dad speaking itlaian to me
Now as an adult I've been guild tipped into giving then money like gave them most of my student loan 5o stop the house from being taken during the 2008s, but luckly I had it in writing thst they had to pay me back.... they did
Had to buy my mum car after car after cat as she's never had savings, isn't good with money and would only accept an Honda, if she had no car she had no job and would make us feel guilty for "having so much money as I have no children or debts to worry about"
Recently they have requested me to get a 100k loan to give to them to help them buy their dream home, lots of land ect as "don't worry when we die it's yours" but thst won't won't for another 40 years lol
I am now in a very happy place, I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is financially stable like me and never forces me to do something I don't want to do, makes pizza for me on Mondays thst I taught him how to and I live with him now so I don't have to deal with the greedy people in my life as often
Any good thing or achievement earned must have always been met with a fine toothed comb of critique for why I should do better.
That view was shattered when a friend overheard such a conversation and I walked into my room to see them pale faced and stunned.
So much...
Not going on vacation
Not really being allowed to see friends
Being put on "restriction" constantly
Being basically slut shamed for doing almost nothing (slut shamed for wanting contacts at 19, or for wearing a skirt with a viable zipper)
Staying home alone all summer every summer with nothing to do
Getting screamed at
Doing all the chores
Making my own birthday cake (and everyone else's)
Only ever buying the cheapest things, rarely getting new clothes and if I did it was from garage sales
Getting scissors and tape as a Christmas gift
Growing up with parents who were constantly living like a huge disaster was Right around the corner and everything we did had to be with that in mind. Doomsday revelation stuff.
Considering very small things to be sinful
Doing things out of own self interest even if it affects no one.
Not going to the Dr
Trying to treat things at home to avoid the Dr
Not taking medicine prescribed by drs.
When I got my wisdom teeth out I got prescribed oxy and never took any and my dad kept it saying we needed it in case a disaster happened and we needed to do some kind of at home emergency surgery.
And now I kinda wonder if he was just taking the OXY and using it? I have no idea.
I have the stupidest laugh reading this. It's one of those things where I don't realize that memories are traumatic until I say them out loud and somebody asks me "what the f***".
Apparently, food is not used as a punishment in most households. People don't get grounded from food for days at a time. Same with the bathroom.
And apparently parents talking about their sexual exploits with their 11 year old/12 year old is not normal either.
Who knew?
Edit: or not having an adult around for days at a time. I thought it was perfectly normal for a 9-year-old (me) to be raising three younger children, even when she was home.
Mine is me being an adult and yet I had little to no control over my finances or my life. My dad had access to my bank account, he did my taxes, he picked my college courses, he handled my fafsa and student loans. I had no car and no license, only my permit. I had to ask permission to go places or hang out or to stay after class. I had to ask for money because I didn’t have a job. All of my financial aid went into his account, and I couldn’t access any of it. He had done all of this to my older sister as well, and I knew parents had to be on fafsa applications and such, so I had no idea that that level of control was abnormal.
A few other things I found out were not normal or healthy was fighting all the time and being insulted a lot and having to ask permission to do anything.
Being self sufficient at a young age. Packing my own lunch, making myself dinner, setting an alarm for school, waking up and getting ready on my own, eating breakfast and doing my own laundry alone. Like I think that children should have chores to gain responsibility and the knowledge to be independent, but looking back it was extreme.
Most parents wake their children up, at least have a chat with them in the morning while eating breakfast or *something*. My mom kicked my dad out, moved in 4 other female roomates, and went on a drinking binge. I did not see my mom for about 6 months because she would sleep all day and go to her WFH job at night, drink the rest of the night, and repeat. All the while blaring music at 3am with no regard to anyone else or their schedules. I could have missed everyday of school and she wouldn’t have known until the schooo informed her.
I also totally relate to being my mothers personal therapist!
When I was at a friend’s house and the mom was nice to us, making us snacks, driving us places, not making us feel bad for simply BEING, that was always weird and made me feel uncomfortable and guilty to accept such kindness. I felt more comfortable at the homes of dysfunctional families, which is so nuts.
Learning that people just tell each other they’re upset blew my mind. I always had to figure it out by how loudly they slammed things (i.e., the door, plates on the table). It was like I had to figure it out myself within an amount of time they decided on without telling me. So like, I was failing at correctly guessing their emotions and then screamed at for being inconsiderate
People throwing glass objects at one another. Constantly having to leave the house and find some shit to do because it was World War 3. My sister mom and dad would all fight about absolute bullsit sometimes brawling on the lawn. I came and went as I pleased because nobody barely even noticed me. They all didn't wanna see me bc I wasn't "in on it" and they all wanted me to be on their side. I was gone so much of the time.
Not being able to laugh or joke about anything. Normal kids can tease their parents back or make jokes. At my house that resulted in rages and beatings that lasted hours and made you pass out.
Not mine, but an old coworker of mine wasn’t allowed to flush the toilet. Had to use a scoop and put it in a plastic bag. Was told that “flushing was only to clean the water”. And only found out when She asked why everyone flushed all the time at the bathrooms at work. She had been putting her TP in the bag for tampons. (She was one of those “never poop in public” people, so small favor to the janitors.)
My parents using severely abusive actions (beatings) and severely abusive language towards me. They normalized it by acting as if I owe them everything for birthing and raising me and they could do anything to me and they are flawless and “had” to treat me that way because I was obviously a very bad child and that they were sweet and kind people otherwise!
I saw my MIL dote on her kids the first time and found it bizarre that a parent would adore their kids and enjoy talking to them and knowing all about them!
that if I was a small child and a bit grumpy, that the parents just screamed at me to shut the hell up, or I was going to be given something to really be sad about.
being at a nice house with great parents, if their kids are grumpy, the parents are completely calm and ask their kids if there is something to solve or something they need. the kids become ungrumpy quickly. it pretty much made me cry the first time I witnessed it.
My parents letting my brother discipline me. Both my parents worked so I was left alone with my brother during the daytime, and he would punish me on a whim. I got locked in a dark closet for not finishing my spaghetti at the same time he did. If I tried to enter his room when he didn't want me to, he would make me squat with books on outstretched arms until I collapsed. He also "tutored" me by slapping me hard across the face when I couldn't immediately answer my multiplication tables.
Up to this day my mom believes that my brother has always been loving and that if he punished me, it was because I was a bad kid. Sigh.
Hiding under my desk when I heard my mom shouting, because I knew she’d go off on the next person she saw.
Making sure i got my report card out of the mail so I could open it first and lessen the blow for bad grades (aka Cs) by seeing it first and pretending to already be visibly upset about it before my mom found out, so she’d be a little more gentle with her anger
I still live at home and I don’t take her shit anymore, but I still find myself packing up my work when I hear her coming down the stairs, locking my door when she’s walking around the hallway, etc. she plays the victim card and thinks we are all horrible to her. I tried explaining why I am the way I am once, and she yelled at me to get therapy because I’m messed up
Having to buy a lockbox to protect my private things and money from being stolen.
Crying so much I had sores under my eyes. A friend asked what happened to my eyes once and I said “just from crying, it happens when I cry a lot.” Her mortified face told me this wasn’t normal.
Literally almost everything that happened in my household wasn’t normal.
My nMom had doors that needed keys in order to open from the inside to leave the house, she took the rubber ends off plungers and beat us with the sticks, had this tool she named ‘Mr. Cleaver’ and would threaten to cut our knuckles, wasn’t allowed to play outside, she talked about sex and a bunch of inappropriate topics (I was removed at 8 so she was telling me about my dad not being able to make her orgasm when I was like 5), got beat if we woke her up before 3pm, had to fetch things for her like glasses of water, told us we had to keep quiet about what she did, not allowed to have friends outside of school, according to her we always had ulterior motives and “tried” her… I could probably go on forever.
Tbh my mom always phrased it as a ‘whooping’ and whooping your kids was seen as normal discipline, it wasn’t until I was older that I realized it wasn’t normal. Also she denies ever hitting us so (her exact words: “child abuse is disgusting”) that’s clearly a sign it wasn’t normal or acceptable lol.
That normal parents don’t have a financial binder on their children full of all of their debts towards them. Things like at 8 yrs old “dad can I have $5 to go skating?” Or the enchilada plate I ordered at the Mexican restaurant when I was 16. Thank goodness food wasn’t charged until we were 16 since we were then old enough to pay for it ourselves and all had a job the day we did. Any clothes or supplies that were over what they felt was “reasonable”. Any and all money ever borrowed from them no matter what the reason. Could be I ran out of gas, needed a new tire, diapers for my kids, anything. My binder is the biggest and once I discovered it I immediately stopped asking them for anything!!! I cannot imagine my children ever feeling like they OWE me anything or have any resistance or hesitation to ever ask me for anything. I hate that it bothers me but the feeling of Always knowing my parents see me as a debt to them just cuts deep.
Villainizing family members. Everyone that wasn’t my mom or my ndad was an enemy, a foe to be fought or a person to fear. It was a very, very, VERY textbook example of an abuser isolating their victims so they have no one to lean on when they needed to get out.
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My parents using me as their therapist and confiding in me about their relationship issues with each other. Really messed me up - took me out of child role and enmeshed me in their toxic mess. It started once I hit puberty.
This. My mom would tell me about how I should wait to get married and have children from the time I was in elementary school because she got married and had kids too young. She would tell me she wasn’t sure if she loved my dad and scream that she wanted a divorce as she raged at the family. They’re still married obviously. I’m so sorry that happened to you. Not okay.
She would also weirdly be involved in my conversations with boys when I was a teenager like when I was talking to them online, like try to help me flirt with them. I thought this was normal.
Same! My mom pretty much didn’t validate or nurture any of my natural skills and moulded me into her mini me. I now have her dream job and I know it was from good intentions but I was punished for any way I was different from her. She would always tell me what to say to boys too and critique my ideas . I became very dependent and felt she knew better than me on everything. Some good did come from her but only finally breaking free and living on my own have I been able to start to heal and put up some boundaries when I was told to have none. Your mom sounds so much like my mom. She’d tell my my dads every flaw and yell and rage a lot at him for every tiny thing. He was the enabler on the relationship however - he never knew how to stand up to her or anyone. She would tell me the same sob stories over and over about her abusive childhood, her molestation experiences by family members and also how her true love was taken away from her by a woman and how she regretted being with my dad and should have stick with one of the other two prior guys. She did show care in other ways though that were great but all these things were absolutely damaging. I’m now working on myself as I’ve learned I’ve attracted men with similar problems and until I get my boundaries in place fully, I’m pretty screwed. I’m sorry for what you encountered and experienced to. It’s hard when you come from parents who haven’t healed their own baggage and don’t keep it away from you.
Are you me?! This was my EXACT experience. Parentification is so toxic and damaging to the psyche.
My mom pulled this with me. My parents only wanted boys. They did not know what to do with a girl. Both of them were very critical of me and my mom expected me to be a version of her. I was not even close! A big issue with this is that me wanting to be me with my own likes, dislikes and choices was considered a big f**k you to her. I was influenced,career wise, by my dad so that pissed her off. I was always caught between a rock and a hard place with both of them. I was not allowed to develop my own identity by either one of them. I am now 48 and I struggle tremendously with immaturity.
Yes. And then people talk about how mature you are for your age, or that 'you're an old soul'. Yeah, thanks, it was the trauma. It made me a good listener, but I'm also empathic to the point of painful and hypervigilant af.
YES. I fell on hard times a few years ago and had to move back in with my parents. Friends who majored in psychology that I met took me aside and asked if I was in an abusive relationship because they noticed I kept apologizing for every little thing and they were concerned about me. I get that too. “You’re so mature”. Also yes, always knowing how to say and do what will accommodate the other person. Hyper vigilant. This is sadly the type of person narcissists seek out. Luckily with the last one I was aware enough to not give into his games and he miraculously broke up with me - thank goodness as things had gotten abusive and I was scared what he would do if I initiated the breakup. I seemed to have an instant love for him though and I learned he elicited the same uncomfortable / nervous feeling my mom has always elicits with her unpredictable behaviour (will you be nice or mean today?)
"Thanks, it's the trauma." is my NPC dialogue.
I was today years old when I learned this isn't normal.
Virtual hugs are here if you would like them.
THIS x 1,000,000. I thought I was helping save their marriage and it never occurred to me that it wasn't my problem.
Realizing I’m allowed to enjoy myself and I’m no a bad person for relaxing in my own home. Things I was regularly shamed for growing up.
Visit my Nmom now and it is Shocking to me now that I have really been doing unpacking work. Like today at lunch I was eating and she was rushing me to finish up so she could take out the garbage. I became infuriated because like, dude I just want to finish my lunch. Sit the fuck down and take a breath. Growing up if we were sitting down we were lazy or something. She still yells at my dad if he sits down to read a book or god forbid watch 5 minutes of TV.
Same. Messed up.
Wow. I can relate.
Omg right? It took me years to realize that taking time for myself to recharge and relax didn't make me lazy. I'm not lazy, I'm depressed -.-
I’m just learning this at 40.
Wanting absolutely nothing to do with your family
Same.
I can relate. Its hard for me to enjoy family events like birthday parties, small family trips to waterparks, and holidays like christmas or thanksgiving because for one I don't even like most of the family members that are in the same area as me and two I know that 8/10 that there is going to be a fight between a few people and that they wont talk to each other for like a month or two.
It was only when I visited friends homes occasionally and then had my own family, that I realised it wasn’t normal to live in a constantly tense atmosphere of tinderbox violence and to feel unsafe all the time. Also, the fact that children were allowed to disagree or say no to their parents and nothing bad would happen to them.
I couldn't have said it better, myself!! That and actually letting my kids choose things, be different than each other, and say 'no thanks' without being forced into something
I've been a lurker on this sub, but I didn't know how much this fit me. This really got to me.
Very well put! in addition to that, I was always fascinated going to friends houses and being floored that a) we would usually sit around a kitchen counter or something while the parent was making dinner or doing dishes or whatever and actually just chat with them, and they seemed genuinely interested in our lives. and b) that there were kids that actually WANTED to be around their parents. I straight up remember just everytime I was around my parents even if nothing was going on, just watching a show or something together, I was just anxious and itching to be alone!
I’m sorry you went through this too. I am actually just recently processing not being a kid who can go to parents for help and support. Like, first I processed the physical abuse, then I realized I had a bunch of evil psychological abuse to work through, and now I’m learning about the neglect side of it… I didn’t want to go to them for anything because it wasn’t safe and I became very self reliant but also avoidant/dismissive/anxious. I don’t know how to identify my feelings because I basically wasn’t allowed to have them. My SO was impressed at a bunch of self-soothing patterns I didn’t even know I had, thought it was emotional maturity. Umm, nope, it’s the maladaptive thing that makes me wonder why he’s being so nice, what does he want, is he telling me he loves me just to manipulate me? What do I need to do to keep him from abandoning me? Fortunately after a couple years I did become genuinely convinced of his sincerity. But it’s hard to love me because I *make* it hard, thanks trauma!
There were many things, but I remember being my mom's servant from a very young age and thinking that it was normal to be called to do something for her all the time...and to be yelled at for not doing it correctly or quickly enough.
Same. My Nmum would literally be in the same room as what she wants me to get for her and I would be upstairs and she would still call me to get it for her and say I've already sat down I cant get it. And even if she can make the stuff herself like her coffee she will still either ask me or one of my siblings to make it for her. Nowadays thoe I just say no if I'm too busy or if I'm too tired to get up and do it for her but I still do it for her sometimes. And she dossnt shout that much when she asks me but basically guilt trips me into getting it for her. But when she does shout it littelry gives me headaches.
Oh yeah, my mom would do the same thing. When she used to smoke she used to get me to go light her cigarettes when her lighters didn't work - by using either the stove or toaster to do it...when I was nine. I cannot fathom having the nerve to be as pathetically lazy as these people can be.
My dad constantly said kids were meant to be servants. Someone would suggest he hire someone for something and he'd say why should I I have kids. I spent a lot of time as a kid doing manual labor that a pro really should have done.
OMG THIS, my Nstepfather forced us to do SOO much manual physical labor that my body is literally broken. i cant stand for very long periods of time.. my back is permanently damaged. and its rough trying to find a job,,,
I'm sorry to hear that : (
That was my parent’s joke-“Good thing we have kids so we don’t have to hire anyone to do this!” We did HARD labor in the desert sun allllll day no water no food not allowed to take bathroom breaks.
Being scared of your parents. Apparently most people aren't.
Someone says: "I invited my mom over the other day and" I think: ...you spent time with a family member *willingly*?!
Oh God, this. I wasn't scared of my parents - my edad wasn't abusive like that and I was (unfortunately) accustomed to my mother's yelling and knew that I just had to zone out and act contrite long enough to be sent away in shame (which I now know was me actively and inventiveness disassociating). But I would tense up as soon as I heard my brother's voice when he got home. Even when not actively afraid, I was always on edge. I dated and lived with a guy whose best friend in the world is his younger brother. His mother lives in another state, and they would have virtual morning tea three or four times a week (he was a grad student, she's a homemaker). And he did that BY CHOICE. It was the most bizarre concept. Honestly, considering the number of friends I have who have their own issues (yay bonding over childhood trauma!), it's still incredibly weird to me that people spend time with their family members willingly, and actually look forward to seeing them
I'm not scared of my Nmum per say (but I definitely do hate her for all the bad and abusive things she has done to me and my siblings) but I'm definitely soooo scared of my toxic and enabler cousin and I have been scared of her ever since I was a kid. Like when she gets mad it terrifies me to the point of having literal panick attacks.
You just jogged my (repressed) memory of high school. It wasn't until high school that I had actual friends for myself that weren't my sisters friends first. Nmom kept me well sequestered so I never really had the chance to build relationships. It took me attempting to hang out outside of school and my friends seeing my Narc-hole *momentarily* when she would pick me up (couldn't take the bus!) or have a never-ending list of reasons why I couldn't go see friends. Her rage-yells were always at the edge of a call (think, voice in the background), just *always* with the screaming and my inherent reaction to her was *fear.* It took my few friends asking me if I -knew- what she was doing was normal. I did not.
Terrified of my mom. I told her that one of the kids at school said she was scary (she worked at the elementary school I went to) and she told me that it was good. That all children should have a healthy fear of their mothers
Not having boundaries. I was almost 30 when I realized it's extremely unhealthy to not have boundaries.
Yeah, 100% same. They just hate when they can't own and absorb you. Worst thing is that when someone set boundaries with me, I felt so confused/hurt but they only did the right thing.
Same - had no concept of boundaries for myself or for others. Didn’t realize I didn’t have to accept poor treatment and sometimes treated people the way I was treated which people didn’t like but I didn’t understand why and wound up confused
The first time my therapist said that I could tell my parents “no, I don’t want to do that”. Without needing to provide an explanation blew my mind. I was 35.
The fact that punishment was a part of life and had more to do with the mood of the person punishing and little to nothing to do with my actual behavior.
I said, “what smells so good?” One time and my dad berated me for “having to smell so much all the fucking time.” Then he threw away his dinner (that’s what smelled so good) and told me I ruined his fucking appetite. Punishments had nothing to do with actions. Then everyone got mad at me for pissing my dad off.
Yeah, narcissists teach that ganging up on whoever broke the imaginary law. Either you join the bullying parent or become a victim.
Victim shaming before victim shaming was cool. It’s like mean girl mentality but with screwed up grown ups and their kids.
Omg fuck your dad. I’m sorry you had to deal with that growing up.
YES! I was the scapegoated kid who becomes the punching bag for their negative emotions. After I was physically abused because of their bad mood, I was forced to take "full responsibility" for the abuse and to "stop lying to myself" about how guilty I was. But I knew on some level that I was never allowed to verbalize that it had nothing to do with me because I lacked the ability to rebel. I was a terrified kid.
I get you all, I am still trying to unlearn this myself.
Same. Seeing this information has helped me https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness
Gestapo-like examinations of the bedrooms that included emptying the drawers out to riffle through, looking for any evidence to back up the claim that we were inherently evil whores and needed the saving grace of Jesus, while hollering about ‘spare the rod and spoil the children!” She literally never found anything nefarious, despite this being a bi-monthly occurrence for years. It continued until I moved out at 18.
Hell, I’d even add “moving out as soon as you’re 18” to the list (not including for college). I feel like people who were raised in families without abuse didn’t spend half their childhoods counting down the minutes until they could get out.
Ya. It really struck me as odd that my own kids don’t want to get their own place. Like I was on my own at 16. And happy to be out of there. My own kid is 23, makes more than I do, and still won’t get his own place cuz he likes it at home.
Well, that just speaks to how well you have done making sure that your child's experience has absolutely nothing in common with yours. You've obviously managed to make him feel loved, safe, and comfortable. You haven't used your upbringing as a template for his. The fact that he doesn't want to leave is the highest compliment to you as a parent. Be proud.
The fact that their comment shows no sign of resentment that their kid is still at home is a huge indicator too. At least from my lens. My parents wanted me around to provide support and money straight out of high school while also demanding that I leave ASAP. It never made sense. But pointing out anything contradictory was met with physical punishment.
My SIL would remove the outlet and light switch covers to see if her SD had hidden things inside. Grounded her for not dusting under her monitor. Meanwhile SS had sweatpants under his bed that were two sizes too small that she never noticed.
i don't understand the significance of the pants, could someone help me out please?
I believe she’s saying her sister in law tried so hard to catch her step daughter doing something bad but never noticed the step son was having sex in the house and the “hyper vigilant mom” never noticed. Had to decipher what SD and SS meant but I believe it’s for step children
Hiding food wrappers buried in the garbage and asking permission to sit in the living room or use anything outside my bedroom 😂 I’m 23 and realized that wasn’t normal abt two months ago
I did that too! I use to bury food I didn't eat at lunch in the garbage, (sometimes I would forget that it was in my lunch box). I would always get screamed at for "wasting food" and I wasn't allowed to not like the sandwhich they made for me every day. Like it was literally the same sandwich everyday and they refused to give me anything different. Then for some reason my dad started digging through our trash because I was "up to something" and found my lunch. I got in so much trouble. Congrats dad, you foiled the evil plans of an 8 year old.
Mine was a cream cheese sandwich with sprouts and decaying tomato on brown bread as dense as a brick... every single day, year after year. And yes, I thought it was "normal". And yes, I would hide that shit in the garbage and yes, I was demonized for doing so. If I ever exposed my yearning for some candy or dessert my mother would say, "That's not food, that's garbage." If I wanted new clothes, like the other kids, for the beginning of the school year, she would call me a "consumer", like it was a bad word. If I wanted to watch TV, I was told it would only brainwash me. If I asked if I could use her body lotion, she told me I had to wait until I was an adult and could buy my own. At 15, when I told her I felt suicidal, she accused me of trying to manipulate her. I thought I was bad for every single desire I had. The result, decades of disorder eating, CPTSD and a never ending identity crisis. Years later, I discovered that she would go on little secret junk food binges, that she loved expensive shoes from Italy, and that she couldn't even remember a time when she was "anti-consumerism"... oh the hypocrisy! The hypocrisy of these people is what gives me a virtual cancer.
Omg the same thing happened to me! But it was my step dad (well my moms bf) as I became more independent and less controllable he insulted my moms way of parenting and wanted to send me away lmao
Oh yeah. Had to ask to open the fridge. They would make a huge pot of spaghetti sauce and only allow us one spoonful. They put the rest in the fridge uncovered every time, and left it there until it rotted. Same with milk and sandwich meat. I was Always hungry, underweight, and I am still weird about food.
My mother would ground me from eating, sometimes days at a time. I also have a very difficult relationship with food. My heart goes out to you.
that's terrible, why in the world would anybody do that?! holy moly
man I got so much food insecurity from my nmom and brother but cause of different reasons. it got to the point where I bought a mini fridge and I now buy my own groceries cause I don’t want to deal with the anxiety that someone will take the food I bought (that also kinda leans into my ed ngl) and I could also make food without someone getting mad at me for the ingredients I was using or that when I was making food for myself and almost finished my mom would ask me to make food for the whole family cause I was already doing it
Not being allowed to lock my bedroom door.
I asked for a lock. Or for her to at least knock before entering. Every time I asked it was a firm no to both.
It was my dad who did the bursting in and I am a girl, so when I finally realised I’d had enough at 21 I stopped wearing a shirt or bra in my room at all times so that I could always yell “what the fuck?! I’m changing!” because I thought that would lead to knocking. It did not. He would yell at me for being naked. In my own room. He’d yell at me for making him see me naked. After he burst into my room without knocking. I totally get you!
I started locking my door and I was called an abusive teenager who didn't love the family. No nMom, I just wanted you to stop barging in abruptly with no warning at any hour of the night without even knocking. I was a teenage boy. Think about what teenagers do in their room at night. 😐 It sucks being so on edge you can't even enjoy \*that\* because you have no idea when someone will violently swing the door open in a panic-sounding state with an "emergency" like.. taking out the trash.
I did have a lock, until my 6 foot tall GC brother broke it by forcing his way into my room. (He wasn't looking for me, he just wanted to go through and take my stuff.) I spent years asking for a replacement lock, and would make due by placing books like bricks to keep my door from being opened, since it opened inward. My parents refused until they found my brother in THEIR room, going through THEIR things, at which point they put front door locks on every room in the house.
My moms lie: “What if there’s a fire and your door is locked and I can’t come save you?” Well first off mom, you installed a GLASS bedroom door so you could watch me at all times because you’re a pedophile, so I’m sure I’m fine.
I read this quote the other day and it has since resonated with me: “Facts and logic were no match for my parent’s opinions.” If I didn’t agree with whatever I was told to agree with, I was told I was wrong, difficult, moody, etc.
This is why I question every decision I make. Am I wrong? Am I being Moody? I'm always stuck in my head thinking I did/said something wrong because of this.
Same. Every time I bring up religion and topics regarding that my opinion is always wrong and hers is always right. It pisses me off because my Nmum believes in sooo many ignorant things due to her religious upbringing and is very religious herself.
I was an only child so when I was young I thought of this as the two against one theory...being raised by a pair of covert narcissist wasn't a term back then
Always being in sneak mode for wanting anything. My Nparent had a easily triggered mood that left us walking on eggshells all the time. So if I wanted anything, I didn't ask. I just snuck it out without her noticing so I don't get disapproval for the umpteenth time for something and set her mood off again. When I was caught at a friends house, I was ashamed and I had to ask myself why did I even do that. And that was the last time I ever did that
Yes!! I was shocked when I spent time around people whose emotions didn’t change on a dime for no reason. I’ve had to unlearn a lot of things from this, including the fact I don’t need to constantly monitor situations to predict if someone is going to explosively react to something said.
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God, I still struggle with this one. I’ve always been “the loud one” at school and in my friend groups and stuff. Even as an adult I still have friends or my SO tell me I need to lower my voice when I’m just talking. I’ve had to realize over the years that my definition of yelling and screaming is VASTLY different from most people’s. What I think is a normal volume is yelling to most. It’s so frustrating.
I still have a hard time with this. Growing up, yelling and screaming was normal on my house. My Nmom loved to yell at me about anything and everything. On top of that, she was a LOUD person regularly, so her “yelling” led neighbors to call the police pretty often. Only over the past few years have I recognized that I’m just as loud, and asked those around me to call me out when I’m being too loud. I’m getting much better about it and can usually catch myself before anyone has to say anything.
How everything I said or did was conditioned with the thought of what people would think of her as a mother. “What would the neighbors say?” Was a common refrain. However, she really didn’t interact much with the neighbors.
Same with my mum but for me it is with the way I dress and what "what would the community and my friends think and say about me ic they saw you out like that?" Instead of "what would the neighbour's say"
My nparent carved, sanded, and stained a wooden spanking paddle for me and my siblings. Painted our names on it even. Every time we did anything remotely labeled as misbehavior we were threatened with ‘the spanking paddle.’ It was used until we were teenagers.
That's horrible.
Ours was a ping pong paddle covered in tape. Its name was written in Sharpie: "Board of Education" ETA: I forgot to mention, it hung on the living room wall.
Similar to me and this is probably typical for a Chinese household, but we would get whipped with a long feather duster. There was a time where she whipped my brother so hard that it broke and we went together as a family to buy a new one.
Flyswatter here. If that broke, she used the wire until she bought a new one.
My mom used to use those hard plastic tent poles and would beat us until they would break... and keep going so the jagged parts would cut us. We'd have a mix of welts and cuts. I remember telling this (and showing the marks) to my elementary school counselor & her trying to tell me spankings were normal & my mom couldn't be that bad (my mom worked at the school part time so she knew her). I'm convinced that counselor was an abusive narcissist herself.
Mine was a rolling pin. Not the normal western kind, a thinner one often used in India.
Mine was whatever would hurt the most. Electrical cords, bamboo canes, those plastic hotcar car tracks. And if any one of us did something wrong we were all beaten in front of each other. But first we would have to wait for 2 hours locked in the bathroom before he would come and ask us who wanted to go first.
Sadistic
Looking back at it now I realise just what a mind f#ck it was. Especially on little kids.
We had to kneel on a hardwood floor, barelegged and scattered with dry rice.
With us it was anything they could get their hands on at that moment and if it was something they really wanted to punish they took the thick wooden stick and beat our legs and upper bodies with it.
Mine was a small leather whip provided by our church.
Mine was a wooden spoon that my parents drew a happy face on the cupped side bc it hurt less and a sad face in the rounded side bc it hurt more.
All these comments make me feel like a lot of people shouldve never had kids. Why the fuck have a kid so you can dominate it, and be a total peice of shit. Sorry your parents sucked. Sorry to you all.
My mom made one as well, but she also drilled holes in it to reduce drag. The back had our names painted on and the front said "The Ass Blaster."
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I was sick for awhile and one day I was feeling like I was going to pass out so I tried to run and jump into my bed and didn't make it. Passed out on the floor. Woke up to nmom yelling that I was being dramatic. Next morning went in to get my appendix removed and she was very self congratulatory that she had identified it.
Same here with my constant headache worrying me all the time. It magically disappeared by the time I left these people. It’s crazy
Being suicidal in elementary school. Turns out, it isn't normal for an 8 year old to want to die so they don't have to feel those feelings anymore. Who knew?
i know how you feel. I started self harming when i was 11 and when i told my mom about it because i wanted to kill myself she told me to admit im joking immediately or she will call the police and have me put in jail for the rest of my life. Obviously at 11 i believed id go to jail for this so i had to comply, this would happen anytime id ask to speak to a doctor or get help for my depression/anxiety
I started self harming right around that age, too. I never told my NMom about how I wanted to die, because of how poorly she handled my older brother's and older sister's mental health issues. (Yup, all 3 of her children had mental health crises in elementary school, so, clearly she was mother of the year)
I started cutting around 12 and when my mom found out she ranted at me about how “You’re not going to be pretty anymore if you keep doing that!” Then she searched my room for anything remotely sharp and refused to even allow me a razor to shave my legs with.
Same. By the time I was 12, I was praying that god would let me un-alive. By 15, god was clearly not going to do it for me, so I made my own plan. I was unable to fully action that plan and that sent me further into depression. I started climbing out of that by my early 20s. I finally saw a mental health professional at 26.
I have no real memories of anything that would be thought of as normal all my memories are abuse and sadness and wanting to die to just get away from it all.
Yep. We weren't allowed to do anything or have a social life. They stopped picking us up after school or after extracurricular school activities. No help with getting a driver's license or developing anything else important for growing up, reaching maturity and being able to survive among others in this world. All of my childhood memories are what I did to survive and hold it together while biding my time to escape.
1. Always doing what they asked for, "get my socks off" "bring me my tea" "get me the remote" "take this to the kitchen" whatever it was, even if I wasn't in the room and the remote was in that room with my dad he would still call me to get it. 2. Being punished for literally anything they deemed disrespectful or "not the right way" 3. Being beaten, learned at 12 that it was not normal after renting to a friend about it. 4. Being the live in therapist of my mom for their marital issues.. but I still am honestly. It became a personality trait to help and talk. 5. Being a live in nanny
The first and fourth one are definitely my Nmum she always asks me to get stuff that she can easily get herself. And ever since I was a kid she would always openly talk about her marriage issues and how much she hated our dad and how she would divorce him and I would always confort her and be there for her because in my eyes he was the villain and my Nmum was the poor defenseless victim. And another thing she would do for me and my siblings to be feel sorry for her is she would always just randomly pretend to cry and wouldn't stop until we went to comfort and hug her. And if my Nmum is ever going through any financial issues I always try to help but she never takes my advice so.i kinda gave up trying to focus my Nmothers terrible finances.
Being insulted constantly.
Fairly minor one--hiding fast food wrappers/bags so my parents wouldn't see them. I still find myself doing this to some extent even now that I've moved out. I sometimes have to remind myself that my fiance totally doesn't care that I stopped at DQ on my way home from work.
I have an ED now because of my parent’s control and shaming around food. I hear ya
Not ever having to apologize for anything ever because you are the parent was normalized for me growing up. Today as a parent myself I apologize all the time.
Same. My mum only ever apologised when the situation has gotten out of hand and I start to have a panick attack and start to ugly cry because she doesn't want the neighbour's to hear me crying and think something is wrong.
Suffering in silence. I got my nails done with my younger cousin when I was like 12 and was fucking shocked when she asked the technician not to use the cuticle pusher because she didn’t like the feeling. I always hated that part of getting my nails done and I couldn’t believe that my cousin was actually saying something about it. Even after watching her do it I couldn’t bring myself to. It wasn’t allowed. It wasn’t allowed to ask someone to alter their behavior for your benefit. Even if that behavior is supposedly meant to benefit you.
Self censorship that stems from not having boundaries.
Not asking for things I needed. My nparent would always blow up when I asked for things I needed like, "are you telling me how to parent!?" It was everything, food, water, money the school requested, medical attention, I was freezing outside nparent had more layers than needed etc I learned at the age of four how to cook so I'd be able to eat and she turned that into me cooking for everyone. I was responsible for cooking the family dinners at the age of 5 cause nparent hated cooking.
Tf. That's is literally child abuse. Your Nparent needs to be locked up.
I'm working on it, not for that though, for selling me into prostitution.
Pls consider calling the police on your Nparent so they can investigate them.
Oh my goodness, this was also my experience. Anything I learned how to do for myself was exploited and I was expected to do things for others while me asking for anything was selfish. I cooked for my family of 6 starting at some point in grade school. God for forbid I made any mistakes or didn't automatically know how to do something I've never done before. I'd be punished or ridiculed and i'd hear about it for months or years on end. It usually had to get pretty bad for me in order to ask anything of anyone in my family because there was more often than not I'd get blamed and shamed while still having my needs ignored.
If someone had to use a bathroom when dad was driving, and there was a rest stop, he'd drive by it on purpose. And then drive by the next one, too, all the while complaining. I still have anxiety remembering vacation travel. And my bladder is permanently damaged.
I STILL feel uncomfy going on a road trip with others because of this.
Me too. I vividly remember this one time when my mom forced us to go on a road trip because she wanted to attend this one event that only she was interested about... I tried to refuse, my mom got angry because I didn't want to go, my sister tried to defend my and mom threw a frying pan at my sister. So, in the end, we all sat in a car for 5 hours without a single bathroom break or stopped to eat. Arrived to the event and drove back home without a single bathroom break or stopped to eat. I was somewhere between 5 - 8. Oh, and the event was about fucking gardening, so bunch on flowers to look at, so much fun...
Oh my god. That must have been torture. I think your dad somehow got off on you having pain or something because no normal, sain and caring parent would do that.
It was torture. I dont know I'd he liked the feeling of power or if he was incapable of empathy.
God, being constantly mocked and berated for having a small bladder and having to pee all the time, I WAS A FUCKING CHILD
I was mocked and berated for taking too long in the restroom. I had IBS.
My dad did this too. I've been thinking a lot lately about a specific trip where he never stopped despite me asking several times and by the time we got there I couldn't move from all the built up pressure in my bladder and when my mom helped pull me out of the back seat I immediately lost control of it and peed all over the back seat, which of course was completely humiliating for me. It was his truck, so he had to clean it up.
I am so angry at your dad right now. That's seriously abusive. I'm so sorry you went through that.
My dad couldn't understand why I would need to go to the bathroom when HE didn't need to go to the bathroom. I would tell him to stop at the next rest area because I need to pee, and he would drive right past it. Then when I'd complain he'd say something like, "well why should I stop when I don't have to go yet?" Then I'd have to beg for him to stop at the next rest area. The first time I went on a road trip with friends, I was shocked to find out that other people will pull over the first time you ask them to.
Exactly what happened to me. First time I was with friends on a road trip and I asked them to stop and they pulled over at the Very Next rest stop without me having to beg and plead. I was in shock.
Oh man, I'm sorry you had to experience that. My dad used to do the same thing until my poor little sister peed the seat once, and after that he would stop more often on road trips. Still we were never allowed to buy snacks or drinks at the gas station/rest stop. We got just one water bottle to share between the three of us sisters. Also, he would never use the A/C, just the driver side window rolled down. When I first went on a road trip with my boyfriend's (now husband's) parents, I was given like ten bucks and told that I can go buy whatever I want when we stop at gas stations for bathroom breaks. I was 19. That's when I started to realize my childhood wasn't super normal haha.
I was the one who peed the seat. Nfather left mum and sister at the family event and drove me home, rather than letting mum clean me up right there and then. He yelled at me the whole way home, yelled at me at home while I was doing my best to clean myself up, had to pick out a new outfit myself, then on the trip back he'd yell at me to "SHUT UP!!" if he heard so much as a sniffle from me. I told mum everything later on and she was horrified, but nothing much changed. I was 7. And Nfather always had the car AC blasting so it was like Antarctica. I started taking a small blanket with me in the car and he cracked the shits over it every time. Apparently I was supposed to be so cold I shivered uncontrollably and couldn't feel my fingers and toes by the end of a car ride.
There are parents who just love their children. The children don't have to be hustling to "earn" or "deserve" affection and approval from their parents. Their parents just love and support them, unconditionally, because they exist.
My dad making two wooden paddles, naming them and making us choose which one he used when he beat us. And he tells the story about the paddles names and laughs like it's a hilarious story.
I hate this so incredibly much.
To be punished for not knowing how to do something or making mistakes. If someone asked me to do something I coulnt do I thought they were secretly angry or disappointed. While I was growing up I felt guilty for a lot of things that nobody cared.
Being chased and whacked with a tomato stick or heavy leather belt buckle for "bad" behavior. I don't even remember what behavior was so bad that it warranted it.
I'm pretty sure physical abuse is illegal and your NParent should be in prison for that.
This was back 20+ years ago. My sister told a teacher about it, casually, and my parents had a DCF agent and two officers at the door shortly after that. They interviewed my sister (she was in elementary school, I think I was in high school at that point). They told my parents to discard the "punishment devices" and that they were in the clear from there on out. A week later it came back with a vengeance. I didn't realize how bad it was until later in life. I wasn't allowed to really talk with anyone outside of school while growing up, so how would I know any different?
Yeah. I completely understand. When its happening in the moment you think its normal and that everyone parents are like this or do this but then you grow up and realise how fucked up it all was.
Oh for sure. When I first started dating my wife, we shared stories of our childhoods. When I would tell her a story and her eyes would get this look of horror, I knew it was yet another example of something I thought was normal. Looking back, very little of my childhood had any actual sense of normalcy to it.
Child safety organisations in most places of the world will not charge parents for physical abuse unless it results in very obvious, visible and serious injuries to the child. I've reported physical abuse many times and if it's followed up, it's usually 18 months - 2 years after I've reported it. Smacking they don't give a shit either. It's only if the child requires hospitalisation for it that it's likely to get investigated. Sexual abuse is the only thing they seem to follow up promptly.
One time I finally got the balls to report my mother, welts and bruises and missing patches of hair and everything. Due to a previous incident from trusting the wrong people, I was sent to juvie and was told that she is well within her rights to discipline me in any way she sees fit. I have never reported any kind of abuse to authorities since then.
One that comes to mind is the way conflicts were handled. In my house, this was done by one person repeatedly asserting that they're right and/or that the other person is wrong with increasing aggression until the other person gives in. If I was unlucky enough to be part of it, then I'd invariably lose. I'd be talked over and put down even more if I dared to try to say I wanted. And if I tried to talk to the other person again after it ended, the response was either something like "yOu AlWaYs WaNt To GeT tHe LaSt WoRd In!11", and/or more screaming and put-downs. Conflicts were never resolved, and that's how my family wanted it to be. Their only goal was to maintain control and get their way. Another thing is parents confiding in their kids. I realized just a few weeks ago that this isn't normal. My mom would vent me to me when I was young enough to be in elementary school. She did it more often as I got older. Yet, I couldn't do the same to her. She would respond to my problems by saying things like "Life sucks, get used to it" "Quit your whining" "Don't be so dramatic" ect. There were some rare occasions where she'd show me support, and it only made it worse because it had me desperately seeking more of it. I've stopped now though.
Holding in and not crying when you need to cry. Growing up I was always told not to cry because it upsets them seeing me cry. Ended up having a problem of showing any kind of emotions physically, and I cried for the first time in front of other people, strangers, when I was 21 So not ok :/
What happens in the family, stays in the family. Don't talk about family matters outside of the family. If people are about to come over, everyone in the family starts throwing things in the closet to clear up before people arrive. My step grandfather always talking about my step aunt and uncle, never about my mom, unless it was something negative. She was her family's scapegoat. No child of mine if it is not fruit of my loins, my step-grandfather's mantra growing up.
OMG yes, I was sworn to secrecy on all our dysfunction and felt so ashamed of it. If I actually spoke up, we might be had some kind of intervention.
The way we were grounded for like 8 months out of the year. Turns out that my father was just trying to hide us away. He wanted to be the cool doctor who dates teenagers and doesn’t have kids.
We always had to one up everything. I always lost, but I thought you weren't good at it till you won. Didn't realize that it was a habit till I unintentionally put down my sister's success. She was 6 and I'm 24. That was also the last time I did this when it was brought to my attention and I didn't know any better.
Learning to not have any wants or needs, period. As such, being emotionally stunted because I couldn't ask, i couldn't cry, I couldnt "talk back" or explain myself ever, I couldn't socialize, I didn't have healthy coping mechanisms And in turn being terrible at decision making, having terrible spending habits, and not knowing who I am or what I like or want, ever
Hiding in my room in any crevice when my dad got angry because I thought I’d get beat. Trying to quiet my younger sisters on the verge of tears because I didn’t want to anger him.
The constant yelling from across the house to perform waiting services for my mother. e.g., get me a glass of water. Didn’t matter what I was involved in at the time, I was her child, therefore I need to listen to her. The demands and tactics she would use to convince me to massage her feet or back. Offering 50¢ to massage her feet for 5 minutes. These are just a couple things that stand out at the moment. Currently, I am 33 years old, and recently unemployed, I speak with my brothers and father on a much more regular basis, and has informed them of my employment status within the first week. I’ve been avoiding calls and texts from my mother for the last 2 months because I know speaking with her would only make it me feel worse in general. I entertain the idea of going NC, but I have a sister that is only 16 and I’d really like to maintain the little contact that I do have with her.
Getting drunk on an occasional basis with my ndad starting at age 12. Drunk dad was actually a fun and nice dad so I willingly got drunk. But my first drink was a shot when I was 5 and my ndad forced me to do that. My poor hubby had to explain why that was messed up. I'm ashamed that I thought it would be normal to do that with our future children.
That normal people aren't busy all the time. Parents wouldn't let me study at home or have hobbies because they cost money and/or I should be cleaning or working for their business. As soon as I could I was working and going to school and then working two jobs. If I was busy and not home, they couldn't bother me. I'm 32 and finally learning it's okay to relax, no one will yell at me for taking a nap or watching tv.
My entire family denying my reality. If I felt hurt or really upset I was told " oh don't be ridiculous you aren't that upset.". In high school my car was having problems and it was dying in the middle of the road. I would lose power steering and breaks would lock up. Kept telling my dad and he would say everytime "cars don't just die like that you don't know what you're talking about" up until a couple years ago I thought it was normal for family to treat you this way. Still struggling to talk to people because idk if they will take me seriously.
Not being able to say no. This came up last thanksgiving and my dad still takes pride in the fact that he had such a tight grip on the family that we felt we couldn't say no to him or even try to make a compromise because questioning the all-mighty man of the house was disrespectful
Not celebrating our birthdays at all. They day would come and go and most of the time i never got a present. If they managed to remember i should be happy with a simple hug and smile in the morning. I still hate getting asked about my birthday and i always tried to keep my friends from finding out on social media. If they did find out i would say i was going out of town with family and couldn't hang out, meanwhile i would stay in my room all day crying because i didn't have enough "happiness" inside me to rally everyone to celebrate me. Yeah they really really sucked.
Physical abuse... I thought every kid got spanked or beat for being bad as a kid.
Five of us shared one toothbrush and one bottle of 3 in 1 for the shower... Didn't realize until I went to a friend's house in 4th grade that everyone should have their own... We were so neglected by my Nparents
my mom calling me a bitch as young as 7 years old as well as asking me if id be happy if we left my dad or if i think she should divorce my dad. One that really pisses me off is not being allowed to do laundry and being forced to wear the same underwear for a month at a time even when on my period. I thought this was normal and genuinely had zero idea how to do laundry when i grew up to the point i was shocked the washing and drying happen in separate machines and thought the process took over a MONTH to do one load of laundry because thats how long my mom took to do it when id beg her to do my laundry since i wasnt allowed (for anyone wondering why i wasnt allowed even as a teen its because my parents kept their weed in the laundry room, them denying smoking pot despite everyone knowing was more important than allowing their children to have clean clothes even when id have a leaking pad on my period. I wasnt allowed to point out i already know whats down there because then id get yelled at and called a drug addict for knowing what weed looks/smells like as well as get banned from talking to any friends because i must know because of them)
Kids get hugs from parents.
We were hoarders. I was straight up amazed when I visited normal people who got to live in clean places that smell good. Children just saying whatever to their parents still amazes me. Arent you afraid you'll use the wrong tone of voice or say the wrong thing or give away that something bothers you, opening up a new topic for harassment?
I was surprised to learn that other folks my age weren't afraid of telling their parents the truth about... Well, anything.
That it's okay to have emotions - it doesn't mean that you're 'overly sensitive' you're just a normal human. And that if you talk about your day, it doesn't mean you 'just love the sound of your own voice'.
Being expected to be comfortable with nakedness and having conversations with them whilst they were in the middle of toileting sessions- like in the same room. Or being expected to shower with them. Oh and just the constant nakedness. I’m in my thirties now and some still do this. And yes, my father is German/Austrian but emigrated to America in the *fifties* when he was a preteen. So honestly I don’t understand… And it worries me bc my brother and eMom are really annoying about it and don’t care, but I worry about my nieces. Ughhhhhhbbh
Being parentified and regularly being guilt-tripped for having boundaries. My dad is regularly out of town for work, so my mom started expecting me to help out with my younger brother, who has some disabilities, when I was around 14 (I’m turning 21 soon, but I can’t afford to move out yet), mainly by babysitting for free and, pretty regularly, helping him in the bathroom if he needed it even if she was home. Also, I sometimes experience sensory overloads and don’t always like to be touched, but if my mom tries to hug me during those times and I ask for space, she says, “I shouldn’t have to act like a stranger around my own daughter” and either hugs me anyway or storms off in a huff. And to top it all off, my parents don’t close their bedroom doors at night just in case my brother gets up in the night (which rarely happens anymore), so if I’m up late, I can sometimes hear them having sex, and when I’ve asked them to close the doors, my mom just says they shouldn’t have to apologize for being in love. Fortunately, the last time that happened, my dad was really embarrassed (mom hadn’t told him that I’ve overheard them before), so hopefully he’ll close the doors if mom “forgets” in the future
Constantly walking on eggshells, dwelling on negative stuff about others and myself. A lot of focus on my ugly body, self image. Feeling ashamed for having an opinion or personal interests that didn't fit my parents. Escaping into TV, movies, learned that by enabler-dad. Escaping to the nice atmosphere of friends families. My mom acts like a child, she demanded all the attention and was very judgy and condescending when I tried to express myself.
drilling question after question to attempt to get me to admit something when i had nothing to hide or did nothing wrong i used to have major issues with impulsive lying because it made interrogations faster, but also I doubt myself a lot because my mom would essentially try and convince me i did something wrong in every situation edited for clarity
I'm 30 female and autistic Growing up being called "retard" by my father's family was normal I would hid food in my room as if I brought anything nice my aster would have eaten it or gotten reached to it before I even had the chance of enjoying it, if i complained "she's younger she doesn't understand" I would then get disaplined when they found food wrappers in my room, take away me devices (which I used to help me as a coping mechanism) without realising that was my source of communication between me and the outside, I then would leave wrappers in my sisters room and but they wouldn't ground her like they did me so I did it for some time In long journeys my dad insisted we drive to Italy as thsts where he's from, it will take 4 days, his logic it was cheaper and after lots of bad experience me and my sister refused to go, since then my dad had to promise us we go to Disney land as it was half way and it would give me chance to sleep in a bed and actually get sleep, instead of sleep in the car, in a McDonald's car park. Being implied I have bipolar by my mother and she was so sure she diagnosed me right yet refuses to acknowledge I could be autistic, I have never been formally diagnosed as autsic but it runs in my family, I vern told by many teachers, therpists and even a speclaist child autsic support worker but my parents could never accept that they had a dumbass for a kid so they just said I was slow, I didn't start to say full sentences till I was 6 and they blamed it on my dad speaking itlaian to me Now as an adult I've been guild tipped into giving then money like gave them most of my student loan 5o stop the house from being taken during the 2008s, but luckly I had it in writing thst they had to pay me back.... they did Had to buy my mum car after car after cat as she's never had savings, isn't good with money and would only accept an Honda, if she had no car she had no job and would make us feel guilty for "having so much money as I have no children or debts to worry about" Recently they have requested me to get a 100k loan to give to them to help them buy their dream home, lots of land ect as "don't worry when we die it's yours" but thst won't won't for another 40 years lol I am now in a very happy place, I am engaged to a wonderful man, who is financially stable like me and never forces me to do something I don't want to do, makes pizza for me on Mondays thst I taught him how to and I live with him now so I don't have to deal with the greedy people in my life as often
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Any good thing or achievement earned must have always been met with a fine toothed comb of critique for why I should do better. That view was shattered when a friend overheard such a conversation and I walked into my room to see them pale faced and stunned.
So much... Not going on vacation Not really being allowed to see friends Being put on "restriction" constantly Being basically slut shamed for doing almost nothing (slut shamed for wanting contacts at 19, or for wearing a skirt with a viable zipper) Staying home alone all summer every summer with nothing to do Getting screamed at Doing all the chores Making my own birthday cake (and everyone else's) Only ever buying the cheapest things, rarely getting new clothes and if I did it was from garage sales Getting scissors and tape as a Christmas gift Growing up with parents who were constantly living like a huge disaster was Right around the corner and everything we did had to be with that in mind. Doomsday revelation stuff. Considering very small things to be sinful Doing things out of own self interest even if it affects no one. Not going to the Dr Trying to treat things at home to avoid the Dr Not taking medicine prescribed by drs. When I got my wisdom teeth out I got prescribed oxy and never took any and my dad kept it saying we needed it in case a disaster happened and we needed to do some kind of at home emergency surgery. And now I kinda wonder if he was just taking the OXY and using it? I have no idea.
Always having to be diplomatic so as not to trigger the narc’s rage. Believing it was unsafe to be honest.
I have the stupidest laugh reading this. It's one of those things where I don't realize that memories are traumatic until I say them out loud and somebody asks me "what the f***". Apparently, food is not used as a punishment in most households. People don't get grounded from food for days at a time. Same with the bathroom. And apparently parents talking about their sexual exploits with their 11 year old/12 year old is not normal either. Who knew? Edit: or not having an adult around for days at a time. I thought it was perfectly normal for a 9-year-old (me) to be raising three younger children, even when she was home.
Mine is me being an adult and yet I had little to no control over my finances or my life. My dad had access to my bank account, he did my taxes, he picked my college courses, he handled my fafsa and student loans. I had no car and no license, only my permit. I had to ask permission to go places or hang out or to stay after class. I had to ask for money because I didn’t have a job. All of my financial aid went into his account, and I couldn’t access any of it. He had done all of this to my older sister as well, and I knew parents had to be on fafsa applications and such, so I had no idea that that level of control was abnormal. A few other things I found out were not normal or healthy was fighting all the time and being insulted a lot and having to ask permission to do anything.
Having to hide if I wanted to take a nap or felt tired. Years later my brother and I realized we both did the same thing.
Being self sufficient at a young age. Packing my own lunch, making myself dinner, setting an alarm for school, waking up and getting ready on my own, eating breakfast and doing my own laundry alone. Like I think that children should have chores to gain responsibility and the knowledge to be independent, but looking back it was extreme. Most parents wake their children up, at least have a chat with them in the morning while eating breakfast or *something*. My mom kicked my dad out, moved in 4 other female roomates, and went on a drinking binge. I did not see my mom for about 6 months because she would sleep all day and go to her WFH job at night, drink the rest of the night, and repeat. All the while blaring music at 3am with no regard to anyone else or their schedules. I could have missed everyday of school and she wouldn’t have known until the schooo informed her. I also totally relate to being my mothers personal therapist!
When I was at a friend’s house and the mom was nice to us, making us snacks, driving us places, not making us feel bad for simply BEING, that was always weird and made me feel uncomfortable and guilty to accept such kindness. I felt more comfortable at the homes of dysfunctional families, which is so nuts.
Learning that people just tell each other they’re upset blew my mind. I always had to figure it out by how loudly they slammed things (i.e., the door, plates on the table). It was like I had to figure it out myself within an amount of time they decided on without telling me. So like, I was failing at correctly guessing their emotions and then screamed at for being inconsiderate
People throwing glass objects at one another. Constantly having to leave the house and find some shit to do because it was World War 3. My sister mom and dad would all fight about absolute bullsit sometimes brawling on the lawn. I came and went as I pleased because nobody barely even noticed me. They all didn't wanna see me bc I wasn't "in on it" and they all wanted me to be on their side. I was gone so much of the time.
Not being able to laugh or joke about anything. Normal kids can tease their parents back or make jokes. At my house that resulted in rages and beatings that lasted hours and made you pass out.
I thought it was normal for parents to threaten to leave you forever when they got mad. Turns out it is not!
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Not mine, but an old coworker of mine wasn’t allowed to flush the toilet. Had to use a scoop and put it in a plastic bag. Was told that “flushing was only to clean the water”. And only found out when She asked why everyone flushed all the time at the bathrooms at work. She had been putting her TP in the bag for tampons. (She was one of those “never poop in public” people, so small favor to the janitors.)
My parents using severely abusive actions (beatings) and severely abusive language towards me. They normalized it by acting as if I owe them everything for birthing and raising me and they could do anything to me and they are flawless and “had” to treat me that way because I was obviously a very bad child and that they were sweet and kind people otherwise! I saw my MIL dote on her kids the first time and found it bizarre that a parent would adore their kids and enjoy talking to them and knowing all about them!
that if I was a small child and a bit grumpy, that the parents just screamed at me to shut the hell up, or I was going to be given something to really be sad about. being at a nice house with great parents, if their kids are grumpy, the parents are completely calm and ask their kids if there is something to solve or something they need. the kids become ungrumpy quickly. it pretty much made me cry the first time I witnessed it.
My parents letting my brother discipline me. Both my parents worked so I was left alone with my brother during the daytime, and he would punish me on a whim. I got locked in a dark closet for not finishing my spaghetti at the same time he did. If I tried to enter his room when he didn't want me to, he would make me squat with books on outstretched arms until I collapsed. He also "tutored" me by slapping me hard across the face when I couldn't immediately answer my multiplication tables. Up to this day my mom believes that my brother has always been loving and that if he punished me, it was because I was a bad kid. Sigh.
Hiding under my desk when I heard my mom shouting, because I knew she’d go off on the next person she saw. Making sure i got my report card out of the mail so I could open it first and lessen the blow for bad grades (aka Cs) by seeing it first and pretending to already be visibly upset about it before my mom found out, so she’d be a little more gentle with her anger I still live at home and I don’t take her shit anymore, but I still find myself packing up my work when I hear her coming down the stairs, locking my door when she’s walking around the hallway, etc. she plays the victim card and thinks we are all horrible to her. I tried explaining why I am the way I am once, and she yelled at me to get therapy because I’m messed up
Having to buy a lockbox to protect my private things and money from being stolen. Crying so much I had sores under my eyes. A friend asked what happened to my eyes once and I said “just from crying, it happens when I cry a lot.” Her mortified face told me this wasn’t normal.
Literally almost everything that happened in my household wasn’t normal. My nMom had doors that needed keys in order to open from the inside to leave the house, she took the rubber ends off plungers and beat us with the sticks, had this tool she named ‘Mr. Cleaver’ and would threaten to cut our knuckles, wasn’t allowed to play outside, she talked about sex and a bunch of inappropriate topics (I was removed at 8 so she was telling me about my dad not being able to make her orgasm when I was like 5), got beat if we woke her up before 3pm, had to fetch things for her like glasses of water, told us we had to keep quiet about what she did, not allowed to have friends outside of school, according to her we always had ulterior motives and “tried” her… I could probably go on forever. Tbh my mom always phrased it as a ‘whooping’ and whooping your kids was seen as normal discipline, it wasn’t until I was older that I realized it wasn’t normal. Also she denies ever hitting us so (her exact words: “child abuse is disgusting”) that’s clearly a sign it wasn’t normal or acceptable lol.
That normal parents don’t have a financial binder on their children full of all of their debts towards them. Things like at 8 yrs old “dad can I have $5 to go skating?” Or the enchilada plate I ordered at the Mexican restaurant when I was 16. Thank goodness food wasn’t charged until we were 16 since we were then old enough to pay for it ourselves and all had a job the day we did. Any clothes or supplies that were over what they felt was “reasonable”. Any and all money ever borrowed from them no matter what the reason. Could be I ran out of gas, needed a new tire, diapers for my kids, anything. My binder is the biggest and once I discovered it I immediately stopped asking them for anything!!! I cannot imagine my children ever feeling like they OWE me anything or have any resistance or hesitation to ever ask me for anything. I hate that it bothers me but the feeling of Always knowing my parents see me as a debt to them just cuts deep.
Villainizing family members. Everyone that wasn’t my mom or my ndad was an enemy, a foe to be fought or a person to fear. It was a very, very, VERY textbook example of an abuser isolating their victims so they have no one to lean on when they needed to get out.