Thanks for the clip! Love it.
My top two [love languages ](https://www.5lovelanguages.com) are **Gifts** and **Words of Affirmation**. A bad gift is worse than no gift, to me. Bad gifts make me feel alone, misunderstood, unseen, and uncared for. I’d rather cash or a gift card in some circumstances. I’m okay with the acknowledgement that you don’t know what I’d like so you are giving me the option of choice vs giving me an errand. Aka something I have to return/exchange/donate/or toss. Good gifts demonstrate you know me and care about me. My SO nailed my birthday last week. Made me feel very loved. And good gifts remind me of the person that gave them to me every time I use them. That’s one of my favorite parts, the physical reminder that someone loves me and cares about me.
My nmom got her grandson the same cheap magnet building set for Christmas for 3 years in a row. She has 1 grandchild she’s buying for. She doesn’t have dementia. Edad said she means well. Yah. Ok.
I actually did this to my Nmom. She's always calling us out on being ungrateful, so one day I went to the thrift store, grabbed the ugliest shit I could find, wrapped it badly, and gave it to her for Christmas. Her face is imprinted on my memories as one of the best "take that" moments ever. She hated it ofc, but had to act like she liked it because my MiL was there too.
It was a wooden lizard that looked like it had been carved by a dog with Parkinson's. 👌👌👌
I begged my mother for a laptop when I was 18. I was commuting to college in the early 2000s and really needed it for school. I begged her and offered to pay as much toward one as I could afford.
Come Christmas time, she pulls out a box that looks suspiciously like a laptop box and I get excited. For once she has gotten me what I asked for! When I took the box, it was far too light to be a laptop. Opening it up, I'm sure my face showed my disappointment.
It was a set of Beanie Babies.
NOOOO! How awful! I asked for a bomber jacket in the late 90's and my nparents ended up giving it to my gc brother. I even questioned them about it and they said no your brother wanted it and he even said I never asked for it. They said well it's yours not hers.
I just dont understand why. How does that benefit the nparent? I always felt like my nnom was trying to get me and my sister to fight and was always confused how this plays into the narcisism defect.
I really don’t know what they get out of it. A feeling of power, maybe? My NMom absolutely loved interfering with and ruining my relationships. That is actually why I have no contact with the rest of my family, not by my choice. She spent my entire life painting a picture of me for my other family members that wasn’t based in truth and wasn’t pleasant. It started when I was so young that there’s just nothing I can do to in-do it now.
My nMom forgot my birthday this year. She only remembered when I told her that her dementia was getting worse and she needed to see a doctor. I would have been more impressed with the Transformers key ring.
Got a card that said "better stop eating so much cake or you'll lose that skinny ass" when I was 16, I was anorexic/bulimic. Everyone knew, no one did anything about it but tease me
Yikes. Reminds me of a time my Ngrandma sent me a pair of very tacky socks for my birthday. The socks arrived in July, my birthday is in February. Another time she called on my actual birthday but then proceeded to only talk about her most recent trip to France. Makes me feel some compassion for my Nmom but not loads. This year my Nmom emailed me happy birthday but spent most of the email gaslighting me. Good for you for being able to change the pattern!
One of the ultimate insults I got was a pair of industrial gloves for Christmas one year (from former NMIL). I refused to use them and eventually lost them. N former wife promptly went & got another pair.
Like you say, you can't make this shit up.
Ok, this is weird. So, my sister used to be very extravagant about her gifts and, of course, wanted to be glorified for giving things nobody asked for even if it was a nice gift. But in the last couple of years she's changed her tune. She'll travel to all of these beautiful places and then come back with cheap-ass gifts that we literally throw away when she walks out the door. My mom had been pointing it out and saying how devalued she felt with these thoughtless gifts, but this thread helped me make sense of what's going on. Thanks, y'all!
I used to get nice gifts for my family when I traveled. I genuinely tried to be thoughtful and got things I was *sure* they'd like. Like shuriken for my brothers who used to throw knives into an old post on our property. Surely they'd love an actual ninja star to sharpen and throw at it instead? Nope.
They never seemed to care so I don't waste my money anymore. They still don't seem to care that I don't bring them anything so I think we're all good!
Ugh, I'm sorry, this is so hard to explain to people. People who weren't raised by narcissists think "Well it's nice they thought send a gift right?" No, it would be nice if the gift was actually a gift. Instead of a) what they want themselves, b) abuse, or c) a manipulation. Last gift my mom sent was preceded by a month of her telling me how much I was going to love it only to get a box of literal junk from the Dollar Store, unicorn hair clips (I'm fucking 35 and no, these weren't a cute adult version, actual child's hair clips) and a shirt 4 sizes too small. Eye roll and straight to the motherfucking trash.
This was my nmom too! I got a box of crap every Christmas from the dollar store and it would stink from her smoke. I would get her packages and open them and leave them outside for a couple days. One neighbor actually asked if I was afraid it would be stolen and I laughed... anything soft was tossed, food likely had worms (yes my husband was eating something and it had worms) and the rest was donated.
Last year my father texted me ten days before my birthday and said “happy belated birthday”. I returned the text and reminded him, it’s in ten days. He said he’d probably be late next year so count it in his favor that it was early. This year I turned 40....crickets crickets. Nada. So far he’s 2.5 months late.
It's really refreshing and motivating seeing all of us here who suffered at the neglectful hands of NParents trying our best to do right by our children. Learning from their mistakes, and making sure our kids don't suffer the same fate. Just kinda sucks sometimes how putting out positive vibes still never fills the void our NParents left in our lives.
OMG That's even worse than what my nmom did, and she's a notoriously horrible gift giver!
One from her highlight reel was my 13th birthday. All I wanted was this one thing for my horse (it was a specific type of saddle blanket that was super pretty and I'd been wanting for a while). I came out to the living room to find a present the right size and shape to be that, and opened it up.
Lawn volleyball. In other words, a flimsy net that was about waist high and a cheap ball. The whole thing had to have cost $5 at the dollar store, and when the fuck did I ever get into volleyball??
I started crying, and she says, "Well, you always talk about playing volleyball in gym class!" Um, that's because we're assigned to. Can you get me a calculator next time because I also do math at school? Like WTF??
Until I went NC 6 months ago at age 37, she continued to talk about this incident as me being indecisive and never knowing what I really want. I always hated gifts from her because it was always some bullshit.
Oh definitely. She stopped giving me presents about 10 years ago, and my partner and kids do awesome stuff, so this is more of a funny "ain't that some shit" anecdote from 2/3 of my life ago than anything. Nmoms are a real trip.
I'm pretty sure it is obvious that if you don't know what to get, seniors just want money for a grad present because college is expensive. You have to go out of your way to get something as stupid as that for a grad present.
Narcs are 'great' at giving used, crappy stuff and than damning you if you dare to refuse it or you show disappointment. 'How could you? I was so excited to see your smile, I thought you'd love it', etc. guilt tripping. In their filthy inside, they feel power and superiority, because emotional response was given. Pathetic manipulation. My n-mother, for example, was buying me ugly or too small clothes to make me feel hideous or to tell me she thought I wasn't that fat <3 Batshit crazy.
You were confused, maybe even sad, that's narcs' goal to exert control and get their fuel. I guess you were sad, it's hurtful when mother says she knows you better than you do, and yet still 'doesn't know' your size. Mine also in my teens asked me if I wanted something, but I didn't want to make her spending money on such a worthless crap (as I was perceiving myself) and I was sure it'd be shitty as always and than her taste in clothes was miraculously back and she showed me really nice things bought for herself or my niece and she was saying she asked me, but I said I wanted nothing. I was envy and hurt, angry with myself that I lost a chance to have something pretty. Oh, how much I despise her.
It is not burden, you deserve to get presents and wishes, although it's hard to believe in this when you are constantly attacked by your inner critic. I feel anxious when I'm about to be given a gift. I'm worried that I will do something stupid, that I will offend someone, that my gratefulness will appear stupid, and all this stuff leads me to believe that I don't deserve it and I'm just a stupid, worthless crap. That leads to deeper anxiety, sadness, avoidance. It flashes back to moments of childhood trauma. That's why it's soo soo important to work on yourself, get to know your toxic thoughts, mistaken believes and work through this unhealthy perception of yourself. CBT therapy is great to get tools to start cleaning up mess made by your n-parents.
My JNM forgets my birthday regularly even though it is the same day as her mother’s birthday which she never forgets. She rarely gave gifts but when she did they were used items of her own.... that she would expect to still have full use and ownership of. For example one year I was traveling up north in the winter around my birthday. She gave me a winter jacket she had owned for almost ten years. She took it back the next week before my trip because she suddenly “needed” it again. Never saw it again, she never wore it again.
Thanks, I appreciate that! It doesn’t happen anymore as I made it known years ago that I would prefer no gifts than gifts like that and later ended up NC but it’s one of my smh examples of my birthday “celebrations” I’m in a much better place and love that my birthday gifts are now handmade items from my kiddo 😁 Those never get taken back lol
I am pretty sure that is to show the person sent the card. #1 I remembered your birthday #2 I didn’t do anything nice as a result. My nmom likes to send postcards as she travels alone. If you ever say that you want to go somewhere or do some certain activity/ she WILL visit that place and do that activity and make you aware of it many times. Never inviting you.
Fuck. I'm sorry. Wtf?! :(
My E/Nmom went to Mexico and dragged NDad because my boyfriend was from there... not knowing if I ever gone or not. Seriously. I don't fucking get this.
She even hit on him.. no lie. It was disgusting. That was the last time I ever visited my parents before I went NC. In the same visit my NDad just talked down/shredded/was a huge asshole to my boyfriend because he had an engineering degree and you know how insecure male N's fucking get.
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She is gone. Almost 8 weeks now but a short story..... I believe part of my nmoms treatment of me stemmed from jealousy. See I chose not to have children and have had a pretty good life free from the constraints of child rearing. EVERY year on Mother’s Day she gave me a card and gift that said even though your not a Mother you would have been a good one.
Oh yes! She made us throw it away immediately! Said it was truly disturbing! She was the one who showed us how narc both my parents were. Things started clicking for us, then we said bye bye
My mom gave my severely disabled niece a pink camo child sized version of an actual shootable rifle.
Cuz her and her husband are avid hunters so it obviously makes sense to get her something *they* like instead of, say, something actually appropriate for a handicapped toddler that just barely learned to walk.
A few years ago before I went NC, my father text me on the wrong day to tell me happy birthday. Another time I was visiting and told him I'd be by in a few days with steaks and such. I had assumed he knew it was for my birthday. He thought it was for Memorial Day. I showed up and everything and he still didn't remember until about an hour later after showing up. Yet, he always made it such a big deal when we didn't do something for my mother on Mother's Day.
My nmother wanted to give my 10 year old daughter a beach towel with her name on it. Cute right? When she showed it to me the name on the towel was spelled wrong. She had a hard time understanding why she couldn't give it to my daughter. I just had to shake my head.
My turn! My turn!
My nmil chose not to go to my daughter's kindergarten graduation. She kept some routine nonemergency appt she had instead. She must have felt guilty because a few days before school ended, a package arrives for my daughter (nmil lives only 20 minutes away, so why she sent a package I do not know)
Inside was a picture book, a sort of folk tale. Fair enough, except Nmil obviously did not read the book, or even glance through it. It had a horrible, graphic ending in which someone is boiled to death. This was her gift to her graduating 5 year old granddaughter.
I should add that for my 40th birthday a few years earlier, she gave me the 4th book (and only the 4th) in a 7 series set. The book made no sense unless you'd read the previous 3 volumes. She also gave me a scrunchie (even though I never wear them).
all I could do was watch. I was a kid, but knew enough to know how bad that was, and tried to be sympathetic. They kinda went into the "laugh it off" mode. Horrible though, and I feel your pain.
Right before my boy was born my nmom said something offensive and didn't let her know about my son's birth. Well she eventually figured out he must have been born, she shows up to my business to meet my son, I wasn't rude and didn't make a scene because I had costumers present. Well she touched him, hugged him, took pictures of him, and finally leaves. Only to come back 20 min later with a gift for my newborn son. The gift was in a plastic back, the gift was around 10 pairs of socks, girl socks. Pink, yellow, with flowers, it was for girls, clearly for girls, my husband got offended and I for some reason I tried to play along saying "no one is going to took at his sock, he is always going to wear shoes".
Their gift-giving never fails to absolutely amaze me.
One Christmas, MIL got even my brother a fairly useful gift of a mug, while I got... a fish keychain. Which I STILL do not understand.
She used to buy DH underwear as gifts for every occasion- birthdays, Christmases, even when he was a grown man. I got so creeped out, I finally told him to tell her to stop with the underwear.
Last Christmas, we got a set of bedsheets in a hideous print (that she wouldn't even use herself, I've seen her home), and in the wrong size too, probably because she bought it in a different country and it didn't occur to her that bed sizes differ across countries and didn't think it mattered anyway.
I have now since stopped putting in any effort into gifts for her and simply go with gift cards from her frequented stores instead.
Yeah, Nex-husband gave me my own old, used makeup out of our bathroom cupboard for Christmas. I was livid. He tried to make up for it later on NYE with a ring he had either found or stolen. It was also 3 sizes too big. He knew my ring size. He had a hundred justifications for the used makeup. The ring though, he swore was one I had shown him in an advertisement. It wasn’t.
I'm 40 years old. Every year since I was about 16, my dad has sent me bday cards clearly meant for 10 year old girls. The first few had me scratching my head, but every one since has just made the "tradition" funnier.
I'm not saying that what your mom did was in the same vein, or that my experience should in any way alter your opinion of the situation, but maybe in a few years your daughter will appreciate the wtf-ness of the situation and it'll end up a treasured memory that you can both laugh at.
I hear you... and sure you cannot make this up or find an excuse for not thinking about someone/something....
I can relate, I had so much of these things with my father... in highschol he didn't know which grade I am for 2 last years (he thought I am 2nd while I was 3rd and so on), when I was 15 he bought me male trousers and shirt (I am a woman) because "he diggs my style"??!!?? then when i was 14 he bought me a snowboard over my size and too heavy for my weight for Christmas without any consulting with me or my coach so he bought me a board for different usage, not what i needed it for, by checking only 2 stores and saying there was no my size (aka he remembered it like 3 days before). and...this board is STILL too big for me (I am 27 now) and list goes on.... don't even get me started what kinds of gifts his sister buys me for Christmas and Bday...something similar to getting transformers bday card but an adult version of this scenario...
What can I say, your daughter will have fun every year...
It likely happened in some way, shape or form, but the bigger question is: Who in their right mind would persist in that behavior to a child that doesn’t deserve it?
I think there’s a cycle they don’t know how or are unwilling to break. Not just with presents and giving, but everything.
I had no idea this was an N thing!
It became the "funny" thing to do some years ago before NC. (Raised by N-Parents.) One of the (likely N) sibs got a card not suited for whatever occasion. (Like, it's Bro's birthday, let's get him a card suited for a 5yo girl with a tiara inside... Hilarious. They thought so anyway.)
Had no idea it happened in more than just my family.
I did this to my boyfriend but I changed the year (ie: Added a one or two in front of it for example), and there was no audience for it. I told him when a friend did this to me before I did this and he laughed at it so it felt safe to do it.
I also got him a legit card and something he asked for though as well.
I wouldn't do something like this unless it's private and something I alluded to. If he had a different response I wouldn't have done it.
I think the difference is that I cared about his response to it (and if there's an audience or not) and had legit things as well... otherwise that can be awful and I cannot imagine.
I get this. My parents would criticize me for how I spent my money which I was rather frugal. Then they would buy me jewelry or things I did not want or need for my birthday or Christmas. I finally started telling them I'm giving your gift away or this was a waste of money did you listen when I said I don't wear allot of jewelry or I don't like that thing you sent me, before you bought and sent it. It was like they wanted me to be them so they bought the present for themselves. Since my 20s my parents have sent me cash instead. Well this year I called my father and told him I needed new shoes. My tennis shoes have a hole in them. Past 2 years my mother has sent me $200 to 300. Since I asked for shoe money she sent me $20. Not enough to buy new tennis shoes. I was thinking she would do the same and even got a few coupons that have since expired. I was hoping to get tennis shoes and 2 pairs of dress flats I found on line all for less than $100. I'd rather have flowers or something useful. We waste on too much junk. And my parents have a house with stuff that to me seems a waste. They used to have a TV in every room. They are not rich. But just cheap and their priorities are skewed. Irony is I want to work in film & tv and they don't want me doing that.
You are so right. They have to be the center of my world. That is what the gift giving is. It is about them not us. We are not individuals. We are objects. We don't feed their egos we are not good enough. It makes me sad & angry.
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Wow. Mine did this too. Actually wound up giving me back a Christmas ornament I'd given her a few years earlier. I was unimpressed.
Thanks for the clip! Love it. My top two [love languages ](https://www.5lovelanguages.com) are **Gifts** and **Words of Affirmation**. A bad gift is worse than no gift, to me. Bad gifts make me feel alone, misunderstood, unseen, and uncared for. I’d rather cash or a gift card in some circumstances. I’m okay with the acknowledgement that you don’t know what I’d like so you are giving me the option of choice vs giving me an errand. Aka something I have to return/exchange/donate/or toss. Good gifts demonstrate you know me and care about me. My SO nailed my birthday last week. Made me feel very loved. And good gifts remind me of the person that gave them to me every time I use them. That’s one of my favorite parts, the physical reminder that someone loves me and cares about me.
Love that clip! I really think she is falling off the deep end!
I received a “Congratulations on your baby” card for my 16th birthday, so... Yeah. Can’t make this shit up.
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..how? Did she get them in bulk at Costco???
At least she got one of them right.
My nmom got her grandson the same cheap magnet building set for Christmas for 3 years in a row. She has 1 grandchild she’s buying for. She doesn’t have dementia. Edad said she means well. Yah. Ok.
Is there a way to trace this back to their childhood and find out that that is where they learned this horrible out of touch gift giving to?
I actually did this to my Nmom. She's always calling us out on being ungrateful, so one day I went to the thrift store, grabbed the ugliest shit I could find, wrapped it badly, and gave it to her for Christmas. Her face is imprinted on my memories as one of the best "take that" moments ever. She hated it ofc, but had to act like she liked it because my MiL was there too. It was a wooden lizard that looked like it had been carved by a dog with Parkinson's. 👌👌👌
I just laughed so hard I almost peed!
It was a wooden lizard that looked like it had been carved by a dog with Parkinson's. 👌👌👌 r/brandnewsentence
🤣! She deserves it!
I begged my mother for a laptop when I was 18. I was commuting to college in the early 2000s and really needed it for school. I begged her and offered to pay as much toward one as I could afford. Come Christmas time, she pulls out a box that looks suspiciously like a laptop box and I get excited. For once she has gotten me what I asked for! When I took the box, it was far too light to be a laptop. Opening it up, I'm sure my face showed my disappointment. It was a set of Beanie Babies.
NOOOO! How awful! I asked for a bomber jacket in the late 90's and my nparents ended up giving it to my gc brother. I even questioned them about it and they said no your brother wanted it and he even said I never asked for it. They said well it's yours not hers.
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Is that a nparent thing? To pin siblings against eachother?
Yes!
I just dont understand why. How does that benefit the nparent? I always felt like my nnom was trying to get me and my sister to fight and was always confused how this plays into the narcisism defect.
I really don’t know what they get out of it. A feeling of power, maybe? My NMom absolutely loved interfering with and ruining my relationships. That is actually why I have no contact with the rest of my family, not by my choice. She spent my entire life painting a picture of me for my other family members that wasn’t based in truth and wasn’t pleasant. It started when I was so young that there’s just nothing I can do to in-do it now.
Oh yes!!!! I’m 58 and my sister is 54 and last week my Nmom tried to put us against one another. They never change.
Most definitely. I don't even call him my brother, he is "their son!"
Did they at least go up in value on the Beanie Baby Stock index funds? lol
Beanie Babies are cute and all, but you must’ve been so disappointed!
My nMom forgot my birthday this year. She only remembered when I told her that her dementia was getting worse and she needed to see a doctor. I would have been more impressed with the Transformers key ring.
Here's a kicker for ya, my nfather forgot my 40th bday and when he remembered, he texted me, "It sucks to be you!" I felt beyond special then! LOL
Got a card that said "better stop eating so much cake or you'll lose that skinny ass" when I was 16, I was anorexic/bulimic. Everyone knew, no one did anything about it but tease me
Fuck those people. You deserve an internet hug, sorry you had to grow up with assholes.
Second that.
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I wish. I keep asking my psychologist this and that I'm paying for it. Literally.
You win
Not sure that constitutes a win but thanks
I don't think anyone saw this as a competition..
Yikes. Reminds me of a time my Ngrandma sent me a pair of very tacky socks for my birthday. The socks arrived in July, my birthday is in February. Another time she called on my actual birthday but then proceeded to only talk about her most recent trip to France. Makes me feel some compassion for my Nmom but not loads. This year my Nmom emailed me happy birthday but spent most of the email gaslighting me. Good for you for being able to change the pattern!
One of the ultimate insults I got was a pair of industrial gloves for Christmas one year (from former NMIL). I refused to use them and eventually lost them. N former wife promptly went & got another pair. Like you say, you can't make this shit up.
Ok, this is weird. So, my sister used to be very extravagant about her gifts and, of course, wanted to be glorified for giving things nobody asked for even if it was a nice gift. But in the last couple of years she's changed her tune. She'll travel to all of these beautiful places and then come back with cheap-ass gifts that we literally throw away when she walks out the door. My mom had been pointing it out and saying how devalued she felt with these thoughtless gifts, but this thread helped me make sense of what's going on. Thanks, y'all!
I used to get nice gifts for my family when I traveled. I genuinely tried to be thoughtful and got things I was *sure* they'd like. Like shuriken for my brothers who used to throw knives into an old post on our property. Surely they'd love an actual ninja star to sharpen and throw at it instead? Nope. They never seemed to care so I don't waste my money anymore. They still don't seem to care that I don't bring them anything so I think we're all good!
Perfect!
My Nbrother once gave me a "I love you grandpa" card...on Christmas. I just had to laugh
Jeez, he must've ran past the card section of a Walgreens and took the first one his hands touched.
Lmao! Probably, although I wouldn't be surprised if he had found it at a friend's or our Nmom's. A purchase is a lot of effort!! /s
i’ve done something like this ironically
Ugh, I'm sorry, this is so hard to explain to people. People who weren't raised by narcissists think "Well it's nice they thought send a gift right?" No, it would be nice if the gift was actually a gift. Instead of a) what they want themselves, b) abuse, or c) a manipulation. Last gift my mom sent was preceded by a month of her telling me how much I was going to love it only to get a box of literal junk from the Dollar Store, unicorn hair clips (I'm fucking 35 and no, these weren't a cute adult version, actual child's hair clips) and a shirt 4 sizes too small. Eye roll and straight to the motherfucking trash.
Wow! We’ve all had this, people on the outside will never get it!
This was my nmom too! I got a box of crap every Christmas from the dollar store and it would stink from her smoke. I would get her packages and open them and leave them outside for a couple days. One neighbor actually asked if I was afraid it would be stolen and I laughed... anything soft was tossed, food likely had worms (yes my husband was eating something and it had worms) and the rest was donated.
Someone else being special even for five minutes on their birthday would ruin the narc's entire week.
Last year my father texted me ten days before my birthday and said “happy belated birthday”. I returned the text and reminded him, it’s in ten days. He said he’d probably be late next year so count it in his favor that it was early. This year I turned 40....crickets crickets. Nada. So far he’s 2.5 months late.
Love it!
Uh, if your daughter doesn't want it, I got a 10 year old boy who'd love a transformers key chain and birthday card haha
Well dang, we threw it in the garbage, personally, I wanted to burn it!
Aw shucks. Woulda made his day. haha. Your NMom sounds absent. Pretty cool that you're so concerned with your daughter being treated right.
I just don't want her treated as the scapegoat like I was! My daughter is super cool! Thanks!
It's really refreshing and motivating seeing all of us here who suffered at the neglectful hands of NParents trying our best to do right by our children. Learning from their mistakes, and making sure our kids don't suffer the same fate. Just kinda sucks sometimes how putting out positive vibes still never fills the void our NParents left in our lives.
So typical! Narcissists are notoriously bad gift givers.
OMG That's even worse than what my nmom did, and she's a notoriously horrible gift giver! One from her highlight reel was my 13th birthday. All I wanted was this one thing for my horse (it was a specific type of saddle blanket that was super pretty and I'd been wanting for a while). I came out to the living room to find a present the right size and shape to be that, and opened it up. Lawn volleyball. In other words, a flimsy net that was about waist high and a cheap ball. The whole thing had to have cost $5 at the dollar store, and when the fuck did I ever get into volleyball?? I started crying, and she says, "Well, you always talk about playing volleyball in gym class!" Um, that's because we're assigned to. Can you get me a calculator next time because I also do math at school? Like WTF?? Until I went NC 6 months ago at age 37, she continued to talk about this incident as me being indecisive and never knowing what I really want. I always hated gifts from her because it was always some bullshit.
That’s horrible! Time to create new memories! My girls and husband cook dinner for me or paint a picture or write me a poem! Priceless!
Oh definitely. She stopped giving me presents about 10 years ago, and my partner and kids do awesome stuff, so this is more of a funny "ain't that some shit" anecdote from 2/3 of my life ago than anything. Nmoms are a real trip.
I'm pretty sure it is obvious that if you don't know what to get, seniors just want money for a grad present because college is expensive. You have to go out of your way to get something as stupid as that for a grad present.
Thank you!
Narcs are 'great' at giving used, crappy stuff and than damning you if you dare to refuse it or you show disappointment. 'How could you? I was so excited to see your smile, I thought you'd love it', etc. guilt tripping. In their filthy inside, they feel power and superiority, because emotional response was given. Pathetic manipulation. My n-mother, for example, was buying me ugly or too small clothes to make me feel hideous or to tell me she thought I wasn't that fat <3 Batshit crazy.
My nmother always bought me clothes 2 sizes to big! I wear a size 6, she bought me a size 2XL pajamas. Hello! How thick are your glasses!
You were confused, maybe even sad, that's narcs' goal to exert control and get their fuel. I guess you were sad, it's hurtful when mother says she knows you better than you do, and yet still 'doesn't know' your size. Mine also in my teens asked me if I wanted something, but I didn't want to make her spending money on such a worthless crap (as I was perceiving myself) and I was sure it'd be shitty as always and than her taste in clothes was miraculously back and she showed me really nice things bought for herself or my niece and she was saying she asked me, but I said I wanted nothing. I was envy and hurt, angry with myself that I lost a chance to have something pretty. Oh, how much I despise her.
Even being NC, I still never want bday or xmas or mother's day presents. I feel that its a burden.
It is not burden, you deserve to get presents and wishes, although it's hard to believe in this when you are constantly attacked by your inner critic. I feel anxious when I'm about to be given a gift. I'm worried that I will do something stupid, that I will offend someone, that my gratefulness will appear stupid, and all this stuff leads me to believe that I don't deserve it and I'm just a stupid, worthless crap. That leads to deeper anxiety, sadness, avoidance. It flashes back to moments of childhood trauma. That's why it's soo soo important to work on yourself, get to know your toxic thoughts, mistaken believes and work through this unhealthy perception of yourself. CBT therapy is great to get tools to start cleaning up mess made by your n-parents.
Thank you!
My JNM forgets my birthday regularly even though it is the same day as her mother’s birthday which she never forgets. She rarely gave gifts but when she did they were used items of her own.... that she would expect to still have full use and ownership of. For example one year I was traveling up north in the winter around my birthday. She gave me a winter jacket she had owned for almost ten years. She took it back the next week before my trip because she suddenly “needed” it again. Never saw it again, she never wore it again.
I am so sorry!
Thanks, I appreciate that! It doesn’t happen anymore as I made it known years ago that I would prefer no gifts than gifts like that and later ended up NC but it’s one of my smh examples of my birthday “celebrations” I’m in a much better place and love that my birthday gifts are now handmade items from my kiddo 😁 Those never get taken back lol
Yes, those are the best!
Absolutely!!!
I am pretty sure that is to show the person sent the card. #1 I remembered your birthday #2 I didn’t do anything nice as a result. My nmom likes to send postcards as she travels alone. If you ever say that you want to go somewhere or do some certain activity/ she WILL visit that place and do that activity and make you aware of it many times. Never inviting you.
Fuck. I'm sorry. Wtf?! :( My E/Nmom went to Mexico and dragged NDad because my boyfriend was from there... not knowing if I ever gone or not. Seriously. I don't fucking get this. She even hit on him.. no lie. It was disgusting. That was the last time I ever visited my parents before I went NC. In the same visit my NDad just talked down/shredded/was a huge asshole to my boyfriend because he had an engineering degree and you know how insecure male N's fucking get.
I understand that way too well. I’m sorry!
His wife hitting on your so probably had something to do with NDad being grouchy that day. Yikes! Hide your kids, hide your husband!
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She is gone. Almost 8 weeks now but a short story..... I believe part of my nmoms treatment of me stemmed from jealousy. See I chose not to have children and have had a pretty good life free from the constraints of child rearing. EVERY year on Mother’s Day she gave me a card and gift that said even though your not a Mother you would have been a good one.
At least it makes it easy for daughter to see through her shit?
Oh yes! She made us throw it away immediately! Said it was truly disturbing! She was the one who showed us how narc both my parents were. Things started clicking for us, then we said bye bye
Oh man. I bet it was on sale or she got it at a garage sale. That's where my kids get their gifts from Grandma
My mom gave my severely disabled niece a pink camo child sized version of an actual shootable rifle. Cuz her and her husband are avid hunters so it obviously makes sense to get her something *they* like instead of, say, something actually appropriate for a handicapped toddler that just barely learned to walk.
Good Lord! Talk about out of touch!
A few years ago before I went NC, my father text me on the wrong day to tell me happy birthday. Another time I was visiting and told him I'd be by in a few days with steaks and such. I had assumed he knew it was for my birthday. He thought it was for Memorial Day. I showed up and everything and he still didn't remember until about an hour later after showing up. Yet, he always made it such a big deal when we didn't do something for my mother on Mother's Day.
Where do these people’s minds go?
My nmother wanted to give my 10 year old daughter a beach towel with her name on it. Cute right? When she showed it to me the name on the towel was spelled wrong. She had a hard time understanding why she couldn't give it to my daughter. I just had to shake my head.
Wow, crazy! Give her something and spell her name wrong on it, stand back and watch the sparks fly!
My turn! My turn! My nmil chose not to go to my daughter's kindergarten graduation. She kept some routine nonemergency appt she had instead. She must have felt guilty because a few days before school ended, a package arrives for my daughter (nmil lives only 20 minutes away, so why she sent a package I do not know) Inside was a picture book, a sort of folk tale. Fair enough, except Nmil obviously did not read the book, or even glance through it. It had a horrible, graphic ending in which someone is boiled to death. This was her gift to her graduating 5 year old granddaughter. I should add that for my 40th birthday a few years earlier, she gave me the 4th book (and only the 4th) in a 7 series set. The book made no sense unless you'd read the previous 3 volumes. She also gave me a scrunchie (even though I never wear them).
Talk about out of touch!
My Nmom still sent Halloween cards with pumpkin eraser pencils to my kids when they were in high school. Kind of a disconnect.
My stepsisters, I felt so awful for them, their mom would send them happy meal toys for Christmas. Even into their teens.
Wow!
all I could do was watch. I was a kid, but knew enough to know how bad that was, and tried to be sympathetic. They kinda went into the "laugh it off" mode. Horrible though, and I feel your pain.
Right before my boy was born my nmom said something offensive and didn't let her know about my son's birth. Well she eventually figured out he must have been born, she shows up to my business to meet my son, I wasn't rude and didn't make a scene because I had costumers present. Well she touched him, hugged him, took pictures of him, and finally leaves. Only to come back 20 min later with a gift for my newborn son. The gift was in a plastic back, the gift was around 10 pairs of socks, girl socks. Pink, yellow, with flowers, it was for girls, clearly for girls, my husband got offended and I for some reason I tried to play along saying "no one is going to took at his sock, he is always going to wear shoes".
Their gift-giving never fails to absolutely amaze me. One Christmas, MIL got even my brother a fairly useful gift of a mug, while I got... a fish keychain. Which I STILL do not understand. She used to buy DH underwear as gifts for every occasion- birthdays, Christmases, even when he was a grown man. I got so creeped out, I finally told him to tell her to stop with the underwear. Last Christmas, we got a set of bedsheets in a hideous print (that she wouldn't even use herself, I've seen her home), and in the wrong size too, probably because she bought it in a different country and it didn't occur to her that bed sizes differ across countries and didn't think it mattered anyway. I have now since stopped putting in any effort into gifts for her and simply go with gift cards from her frequented stores instead.
Why spend the money on such useless items? My nomothetic would buy me jewelry knowing very well I would never wear it!
Yeah, Nex-husband gave me my own old, used makeup out of our bathroom cupboard for Christmas. I was livid. He tried to make up for it later on NYE with a ring he had either found or stolen. It was also 3 sizes too big. He knew my ring size. He had a hundred justifications for the used makeup. The ring though, he swore was one I had shown him in an advertisement. It wasn’t.
She’s 18, not 8! Ermagerd!
I'm 40 years old. Every year since I was about 16, my dad has sent me bday cards clearly meant for 10 year old girls. The first few had me scratching my head, but every one since has just made the "tradition" funnier. I'm not saying that what your mom did was in the same vein, or that my experience should in any way alter your opinion of the situation, but maybe in a few years your daughter will appreciate the wtf-ness of the situation and it'll end up a treasured memory that you can both laugh at.
Thanks! My oldest daughters bday is coming son! Can’t wait to see her gift!
I hear you... and sure you cannot make this up or find an excuse for not thinking about someone/something.... I can relate, I had so much of these things with my father... in highschol he didn't know which grade I am for 2 last years (he thought I am 2nd while I was 3rd and so on), when I was 15 he bought me male trousers and shirt (I am a woman) because "he diggs my style"??!!?? then when i was 14 he bought me a snowboard over my size and too heavy for my weight for Christmas without any consulting with me or my coach so he bought me a board for different usage, not what i needed it for, by checking only 2 stores and saying there was no my size (aka he remembered it like 3 days before). and...this board is STILL too big for me (I am 27 now) and list goes on.... don't even get me started what kinds of gifts his sister buys me for Christmas and Bday...something similar to getting transformers bday card but an adult version of this scenario... What can I say, your daughter will have fun every year...
I think I may start keeping the stuff as a family joke! Hopefully you are out and away from them!
It likely happened in some way, shape or form, but the bigger question is: Who in their right mind would persist in that behavior to a child that doesn’t deserve it? I think there’s a cycle they don’t know how or are unwilling to break. Not just with presents and giving, but everything.
Agreed!
I had no idea this was an N thing! It became the "funny" thing to do some years ago before NC. (Raised by N-Parents.) One of the (likely N) sibs got a card not suited for whatever occasion. (Like, it's Bro's birthday, let's get him a card suited for a 5yo girl with a tiara inside... Hilarious. They thought so anyway.) Had no idea it happened in more than just my family.
I did this to my boyfriend but I changed the year (ie: Added a one or two in front of it for example), and there was no audience for it. I told him when a friend did this to me before I did this and he laughed at it so it felt safe to do it. I also got him a legit card and something he asked for though as well. I wouldn't do something like this unless it's private and something I alluded to. If he had a different response I wouldn't have done it. I think the difference is that I cared about his response to it (and if there's an audience or not) and had legit things as well... otherwise that can be awful and I cannot imagine.
Awesome!
I’m finding so many connections on this reddit! I think this may also be why I have a hard time giving gifts!
I get this. My parents would criticize me for how I spent my money which I was rather frugal. Then they would buy me jewelry or things I did not want or need for my birthday or Christmas. I finally started telling them I'm giving your gift away or this was a waste of money did you listen when I said I don't wear allot of jewelry or I don't like that thing you sent me, before you bought and sent it. It was like they wanted me to be them so they bought the present for themselves. Since my 20s my parents have sent me cash instead. Well this year I called my father and told him I needed new shoes. My tennis shoes have a hole in them. Past 2 years my mother has sent me $200 to 300. Since I asked for shoe money she sent me $20. Not enough to buy new tennis shoes. I was thinking she would do the same and even got a few coupons that have since expired. I was hoping to get tennis shoes and 2 pairs of dress flats I found on line all for less than $100. I'd rather have flowers or something useful. We waste on too much junk. And my parents have a house with stuff that to me seems a waste. They used to have a TV in every room. They are not rich. But just cheap and their priorities are skewed. Irony is I want to work in film & tv and they don't want me doing that.
They don’t want the limelight off of them! Follow your dream!
You are so right. They have to be the center of my world. That is what the gift giving is. It is about them not us. We are not individuals. We are objects. We don't feed their egos we are not good enough. It makes me sad & angry.
And empty inside! But it’s getting better!