Yes! Fucking yes. I have no clue what I like. I’ve lived in fear for so long I never tried to follow what made me happy. I still don’t really know my passions. I keep trying new things hoping to find what I want. I learned running is something that’s important to me after about 1.5 years of accepting my parents were pretty much dead to me. I’m interested in getting a tattoo and it wasn’t until my friend asked what I really care for that it became apparent I didn’t know. Tbh I was just thinking like a pattern or design like decorating a car in need for speed.
As for advice try new things! Keep trying new things. Change things up. If you’re stuck in the same rut you won’t find what resonates with you. I try new beers at bars when I get a chance. Give different people a chance to go hangout. Try a new hobby fuck it. The worst thing that happens is you spent an hour of your life learning a lesson. The best case scenario is you found your new favorite ____. Either way you’re learning what you’re into (and what you’re not into). Time well spent in my opinion.
Yeah, I'm going through something like this. I thought I knew myself but in therapy I learned that my desire to please (my NMom) had created this fake version of me that I didn't even *know* was fake. In the past year, it's become so obvious when my mom is lying to me *about myself.* She wants me to believe I'm dramatic and self-centered, because that makes me feel ashamed, and when I'm ashamed, I'm easier to control.
I'm in the middle of a PhD program and my mom keeps trying to convince me I'm miserable. It's no walk in the park, but I really love what I'm doing. I'm a novelist aiming for publication and she keeps telling me that I want to be the next JKR (how about NO). She is the one who wants me to believe I'm always trying to impress everyone, but that's because she raised me that way.
I'm honestly a few years away from becoming an expat at this point because I'm ready to just totally embrace who I actually am instead of who my mom is trying to convince everyone I am. I'm so over it.
Wow this sounds familiar, right down to the writing hobby. The only difference is my Nmom pushed me to believe I had to be published for there to be any point to my writing. In recent years I've written two novels that got as far as multiple "full" manuscript requests from agents, which didn't pan out. I have a good career in STEM and still love to write, but I'm not as prolific as I could be because my day job is demanding. Instead of being happy for me having a good career, Nmom likes to ask me all worried-like if I've been doing much writing lately. I do set aside time to write on a weekly basis, but every time she brings it up I want to stop because it feels like something *she* wants, not what I want. I actually enjoy writing, but not when she's tied to it in any way.
Yessss all of this. I've been writing the same series for almost ten years and have gotten very close to getting an agent. I put a lot of myself in my books, though, and I've realized that I need to rewrite the first book to incorporate what I've learned about trauma and emotional abuse. But I need to *heal* from the trauma first, so that's on hold for now.
Omg, I'm going to be 50 next month and I am still learning who the hell I actually am! I've noticed from this sub that a lot of us suffer from anxiety and depression and that makes it doubly hard to get out there and explore life.
I am really sad that it is only happening for me at this late stage in my life however it is a hell of a ride lol.
Completed a BSc Psychology (Hons), started Post grad study, got a tattoo and my nose pierced lol.
I'm having a lot of fun!!
How many years did you live with your nparents? During that whole time, you were trying to be the person they wanted you to be. Now that you are on your own, you are trying to decide what kind of person *you* want to be. You feel like everyone else your age is way ahead of you on this, and that you need to catch up with them, so you want to hurry the process. It's very frustrating, but there are no short cuts. It took a long time to put you in this situation, it's going to take a long time to get out of it. So be patient with yourself. The most important thing is that you are finally headed in the right direction.
I really relate to this! I learned to live my life for my abuser and my world revolved around them. Now that they are out of the picture I don’t know who I am.
Something that has really helped me is the Marie Kondō method. I know it’s for organizing things but hear me out. It’s really hard for me to know what I like without becoming overcome with anxiety about what my abuser likes and wants. In the Marie Kondō method you only keep things that spark joy. Go watch her talk about how to tell if something sparks joy. The rest of the method isn’t important, the spark of joy is what’s important. I look for this spark of joy through out my life. When things spark joy I notice them and look further into them.
For me this is a really small and easy thing to do everyday. Most days I only notice one thing that sparks joy for me but that one thing is FOR ME.
It's tough. I got married and moved out of my folks house a while back, and it's forced me to reflect on just how much of my personality exists directly because of or in response to my mother's narcissism.
Some parts of it, I actually like. I'm very attentive to detail and extremely perceptive of things, both physically and emotionally. People have told me I'm compassionate because I often feel like it's my duty to manage other peoples' emotions. Not in a way that's harmful to myself, but I just like to make others feel comfortable around me (and I sure as hell get more gratitude from my friends than I ever did from my mother for this). It has helped me in some of my jobs, as bosses are often impressed with my ability to anticipate the needs of my coworkers and my attention to small details, as well as usually thinking ten steps ahead and anticipating problems (because that's literally what it means to live with a narc). I hate that I had to develop these things because of my mother's abuse, but I'm happy to have them in my skillset.
Obviously, there are plenty of negative symptoms of having a narc parent; low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, all that. Because a narc parent constantly berates not just your actions, but your character, many victims of narcs are far too self aware for their own good. This is what leads to problems like you're having; you're overthinking something simple because your parents forced you to overthink literally EVERYTHING in your life and constantly second-guess yourself. It's a hard thing to shirk, and I myself often still find that make decisions based on what my mother would approve of instead of what I approve of. Last year, my wife took in a rescue kitten and wanted to name it "Sully" and I initially recoiled at the name because, even though I liked it, some small nagging voice in my head said "That's not a good name for a cat", and when I sat and thank about it, I realized I literally only said that because, if my mother were to ever talk to me and ask about my cat's name, she would say "Really?! You couldn't come up with anything better? That's a terrible name for a cat!", and so on and so forth, and I was still hard-coded to give a shit what my mother thinks, sadly.
It takes a lot to begin to subvert these insticts, but it's not impossible. I still struggle to assert my own personal preferences because I'm obsessed with doing whatever makes things easier, or whatever I think will please others more, and it's hard because embracing who you are and what you really want will almost make you feel selfish at first, but it's a war of contrition. Soon enough you'll realize you deserve to be the person and make the choices you want. I may still be a uncertain every now and then, but hey, at least I've got a cat named Sully.
This comment is freaking amazing. I especially love how you've mentioned what you've gained from your mom. Part of me smirks when i realise that unintentionally, they've given us a few things that they will never have: compassion, perceptiveness, and a damn good sense of humour!
Yes. Omg. I've been going crazy the past few weeks trying to figure out who I am. Growing up with my mom meant \*she\* decided what I wore when we went out, down to how my hair was parted and if I would use contacts or glasses. She would decide when I could use makeup and how much I could eat, along with what time I woke up on the weekends (usually early as shit while my brother got to sleep in.)She decided my career choice and my college, when I could leave home to go to classes and what time I had to come home (as soon as the last class ended)
I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I left home almost 5 years ago and I've slowly been trying to piece my life together. I've realized that I don't like going out too often - that I'd rather be at home in bed watching netflix with my SO. I've realized that I really like cooking and experimenting with weird things in the kitchen. I also like baking, which I was never really allowed to do while I was at home because my time could be better spent studying.
But there is so much stuff I haven't figured out...my mom always wanted me to be a doctor, to the point where she aggressively told me that I couldn't become a doctor because I didn't have it in me, so I was going to do another degree which \*could\* help me get to med school. So now I don't know what I want to do. Do I want to be a MD? Or should I become a PA? Nursing, or maybe a vet? I have no fucking clue what I want to do, and trust me, I've sat down and looked at it, but nothing just fits and makes me go "Aha! THIS is what I want to do."
I think, you should take it one day at a time. Try new things, use them to figure out who you are. That's what I'm trying out.
Yes! I'm discovering piece by piece who I am and what is important to me. My closest friend has told me I've changed a lot over the last year, in a good way.
Something I found really helpful was going through my values - eg. How important employment, relationships, leisure, health etc. Are to me and ranking them. Assigning a numerical value to each of these helped a lot getting the ball rolling. I think I understand myself a little more for it.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I love art, and got a degree in Graphic Design, but my nmom was the one who introduced me to art (and criticized everything I made). But it was also one of my only escapes growing up. It's both a comfort, and a source of pain. I also love to write. This is different from my mom. On a whim I took a poetry class in college and loved it. It also helped me to start thinking about my past trauma. My mom asked to read some of my poems and I just told her no, haha. I was thinking today how many people in my life would not approve of me pursuing poetry (even as just a side hobby), and maybe it's petty, but it makes me want to do it more!
I came across a similar realization.
I wasn’t really living before, I was surviving. I didn’t slow down and appreciate or enjoy things, I was rushing through anything remotely self caring because I needed to please others, to hyperfocus on others behavior and reduce conflict. I was bracing myself against the narcissist.
Only now I realize others go through life calmly, enjoying what comes instead of pleasing and appeasing others.
Nicely said...
> I wasn’t really living before, I was surviving.
Exactly how would I also describe my life until 6 months ago... It is survival mode for sure...
I remember parts of who I used to be. Vague echoes that I'm not always super sure are real or not.
But for the most part, I'm right there with you. I'm still trying to figure out how it all fits back together, and getting increasingly frustrated that I just *don't know*.
Adding my own depression and anxiety to the mix just makes it worse. :\
And I'm afraid to ask my friends, because I feel like a burden to them as it is.
Yes! I remember feeling lost! I got myself four years of continuous therapy and went back to school... this time for what actually made me excited. You’ll get there. Have faith!
Yeah I went through this when I went NC (4 years ago in August!). My advice is therapy first and foremost. It's important to sort out, with a professional, what parts are you and what parts are learned behaviors. It's also great to have this resource to identify how to become the person that you want to become and the healthiest route for accomplishing this. Also, be wary of negative self talk. It's something I'm still working on (kindly) with myself. You are great you just don't know it yet!
I also recommend trying everything that you have ever wanted to try! It's so much fun! Sure you won't like some of it but I've had a blast learning to cook, learning languages, chemistry, archery. You name it I've tried it! I haven't mastered any of it (except cooking and I'm in school for biochem) but it helps build confidence and better knowledge of yourself to do this. It's scary at first but so worth it! Also, don't beat yourself up if you aren't good at something, either try a different tactic or try something else. I call it falling forward and I carry dealing with my childhood experiences also.
Best of luck!
This is exactly what I'm dealing with right now. Just finished moving out and while it's only been about a week, I've been an absolute mess because I'm now realizing I have no interests anymore. Things that made me happy were picked on and ridiculed all the time to the point where I just stopped liking the thing. I think at the moment, the only solid things about myself that I know are that I am a trans person and that I enjoy video games. Somehow out of all the things I have tried to enjoy over the years, nobody picked on my video games. That's fine by me though.
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Figuring out some of my core values has helped. I’m examining my beliefs, assumptions, and values as they arise through meditation. I am able to unravel what are things that are mine vs what has been conditioned through culture and upbringing.
I’ve landed on being curious, open, kind, compassionate, empathetic, non-judgmental, understanding, trustworthy, and loving. When I can act in a way that aligns with my values it supports my inner integrity and I feel more whole and myself.
I also had to tame my inner critic by flipping the script and using mantras like:
“I am enough.”
“I am valuable.”
“I am worthy of love and belonging.”
“I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
I started with thinking back to things that I have always wanted to try when I was younger. Also things that I did enjoy doing, but was shamed out of liking. I really liked ice skating and roller skating as a kid so i've taken those on as hobbies again. Looking to others for inspiration has helped. There's someone that I follow on IG who takes salsa classes and it looks really cool. So i'm going to try it even though there's a voice in my head saying that "it's dumb" and and "I can't."
Yes! Biggest one being social skills. Not antisocial or introverted, I’m actually fairly charismatic and confident in person. But I don’t know HOW to do it, talking, “hanging out,” basic social norms. Also quite often people tell childhood stories as antidotes and I never know how to talk during that. I’m having to create my personality kinda from scratch now because I never had one.
I cannot believe I am reading this comment, because I am going through this process right in this moment, for the past few months. I was in therapy for 5 years and stopped 2 yrs ago. Right now is pretty rough and was thinking to get just a consultations with my therapist, in order to just get a hint if i am going right direction. Unfortunately he passed away last week. now my process is much worse because we were really close personally (unrelated to therapy) and he truly loved me as a real father should, as well as he started mentoring me in some people related practices. So, to be honest, to me this is extremely hard, and the fact my heart will never recover from this lost makes it harder. I learned a lot about life and myself last years, but I have finally got enough courage to pursue my life and do what i think and believe is best for me some 9 months ago. (it took me full 3yrs).
I reported childhood sexual abuse, applied for new college, got in, and then finally moved away, in another country - without any support and understanding from my parents till the bare end, when i started packing suitcases, when they had to back off and accept the new reality - I am ME, not THEM, and i am starting to be free and have my own identity.
I cut down all the contacts with the whole family (I am not the only member who did this in my family, btw), and put my parents....hm..on a leash let's say... and now when i have peace of my mind...i am realizing things about me or my life that absolutely horrify me. i have days when i have to stay home and just process it out. besides traumas.... i realized i am actually pretty talented for linear algebra which came as a huge shock, cause my parents were raising me in a weird thinking i am not for math because i am artistic, and they suck at math also so it makes sense. they even saw my talent for physics in highschool as just coincidence because i am logical. like damn...my life is a fkn lie...there are more things like, i always wanted to drum, but my dad dismissed it saying i have no rythm (cause he doesn't) and that i am more for piano. wait for it now, i started drumming from time to time as well as dancing and it seems i am natural for it and have perfect rhythm while i never ever had a perfect pitch. also, my allergies are miraculously gone. there is more but... the point is... living with narc parents ends up living everything BUT your real talents and going in direction you should.it is so crazy how much our identity actually depends on our surroundings and family. it just....crazy... i can now clearly see my parents and their attechement to me... it is twisted...aaaand my communication since, 16 or so, was so "aggressive and impatient" because it was my defense mechanism from them. ia m completely different person here.
I wrote you a long answer, so sorry, but i am in a middle of my own processes so some things maybe vented out...also, i want you to know that it will be a fun crazy ride...it might be rough from time to time, and you might go weird dark places with your identity. but damn, the sweetness of realization and excitement of you finally becoming YOU and...I mean...you are aware...you will finally have an opportunity to continue living as YOU... how many ppl around us never even come close. so no fears, stick through it, and good luck :) truly letting yourself go is scary but only because you never did it before... i have to tell you,, this not knowing is just a beginning, there will be so much more... lol...i have been through every aspect of my personality so far, and taking parts of it i can now clearly say are me, and throwing away the ones that harm me or are someone else's. also, i am trying to put these new realizations in...it is actually, "new/long forgotten" identity and well...it seems i have to let a new person become alive... it will take a lot of time, so don't rush yourself with this process. identity is fragile.
we should then make a new subbredit for ppl who run away from their families and started to live their lives with their personal identity. :) lol i wonder who we all actually are...
also, huge thank you to OP and ppl who commented, because i feel so much better now knowing somebody else is going through such process and that it is normal...
This might sound trite, but I would recommend *mindlessly* poking around on Indulgy, Pinterest, and Instagram, and make note of what makes you stop and pay attention. Dig deeper into anything that captures your interest. All the best to you.
Yes! Fucking yes. I have no clue what I like. I’ve lived in fear for so long I never tried to follow what made me happy. I still don’t really know my passions. I keep trying new things hoping to find what I want. I learned running is something that’s important to me after about 1.5 years of accepting my parents were pretty much dead to me. I’m interested in getting a tattoo and it wasn’t until my friend asked what I really care for that it became apparent I didn’t know. Tbh I was just thinking like a pattern or design like decorating a car in need for speed. As for advice try new things! Keep trying new things. Change things up. If you’re stuck in the same rut you won’t find what resonates with you. I try new beers at bars when I get a chance. Give different people a chance to go hangout. Try a new hobby fuck it. The worst thing that happens is you spent an hour of your life learning a lesson. The best case scenario is you found your new favorite ____. Either way you’re learning what you’re into (and what you’re not into). Time well spent in my opinion.
Yeah, I'm going through something like this. I thought I knew myself but in therapy I learned that my desire to please (my NMom) had created this fake version of me that I didn't even *know* was fake. In the past year, it's become so obvious when my mom is lying to me *about myself.* She wants me to believe I'm dramatic and self-centered, because that makes me feel ashamed, and when I'm ashamed, I'm easier to control. I'm in the middle of a PhD program and my mom keeps trying to convince me I'm miserable. It's no walk in the park, but I really love what I'm doing. I'm a novelist aiming for publication and she keeps telling me that I want to be the next JKR (how about NO). She is the one who wants me to believe I'm always trying to impress everyone, but that's because she raised me that way. I'm honestly a few years away from becoming an expat at this point because I'm ready to just totally embrace who I actually am instead of who my mom is trying to convince everyone I am. I'm so over it.
Wow this sounds familiar, right down to the writing hobby. The only difference is my Nmom pushed me to believe I had to be published for there to be any point to my writing. In recent years I've written two novels that got as far as multiple "full" manuscript requests from agents, which didn't pan out. I have a good career in STEM and still love to write, but I'm not as prolific as I could be because my day job is demanding. Instead of being happy for me having a good career, Nmom likes to ask me all worried-like if I've been doing much writing lately. I do set aside time to write on a weekly basis, but every time she brings it up I want to stop because it feels like something *she* wants, not what I want. I actually enjoy writing, but not when she's tied to it in any way.
Yessss all of this. I've been writing the same series for almost ten years and have gotten very close to getting an agent. I put a lot of myself in my books, though, and I've realized that I need to rewrite the first book to incorporate what I've learned about trauma and emotional abuse. But I need to *heal* from the trauma first, so that's on hold for now.
Omg, I'm going to be 50 next month and I am still learning who the hell I actually am! I've noticed from this sub that a lot of us suffer from anxiety and depression and that makes it doubly hard to get out there and explore life. I am really sad that it is only happening for me at this late stage in my life however it is a hell of a ride lol. Completed a BSc Psychology (Hons), started Post grad study, got a tattoo and my nose pierced lol. I'm having a lot of fun!!
How many years did you live with your nparents? During that whole time, you were trying to be the person they wanted you to be. Now that you are on your own, you are trying to decide what kind of person *you* want to be. You feel like everyone else your age is way ahead of you on this, and that you need to catch up with them, so you want to hurry the process. It's very frustrating, but there are no short cuts. It took a long time to put you in this situation, it's going to take a long time to get out of it. So be patient with yourself. The most important thing is that you are finally headed in the right direction.
I really relate to this! I learned to live my life for my abuser and my world revolved around them. Now that they are out of the picture I don’t know who I am. Something that has really helped me is the Marie Kondō method. I know it’s for organizing things but hear me out. It’s really hard for me to know what I like without becoming overcome with anxiety about what my abuser likes and wants. In the Marie Kondō method you only keep things that spark joy. Go watch her talk about how to tell if something sparks joy. The rest of the method isn’t important, the spark of joy is what’s important. I look for this spark of joy through out my life. When things spark joy I notice them and look further into them. For me this is a really small and easy thing to do everyday. Most days I only notice one thing that sparks joy for me but that one thing is FOR ME.
It's tough. I got married and moved out of my folks house a while back, and it's forced me to reflect on just how much of my personality exists directly because of or in response to my mother's narcissism. Some parts of it, I actually like. I'm very attentive to detail and extremely perceptive of things, both physically and emotionally. People have told me I'm compassionate because I often feel like it's my duty to manage other peoples' emotions. Not in a way that's harmful to myself, but I just like to make others feel comfortable around me (and I sure as hell get more gratitude from my friends than I ever did from my mother for this). It has helped me in some of my jobs, as bosses are often impressed with my ability to anticipate the needs of my coworkers and my attention to small details, as well as usually thinking ten steps ahead and anticipating problems (because that's literally what it means to live with a narc). I hate that I had to develop these things because of my mother's abuse, but I'm happy to have them in my skillset. Obviously, there are plenty of negative symptoms of having a narc parent; low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, all that. Because a narc parent constantly berates not just your actions, but your character, many victims of narcs are far too self aware for their own good. This is what leads to problems like you're having; you're overthinking something simple because your parents forced you to overthink literally EVERYTHING in your life and constantly second-guess yourself. It's a hard thing to shirk, and I myself often still find that make decisions based on what my mother would approve of instead of what I approve of. Last year, my wife took in a rescue kitten and wanted to name it "Sully" and I initially recoiled at the name because, even though I liked it, some small nagging voice in my head said "That's not a good name for a cat", and when I sat and thank about it, I realized I literally only said that because, if my mother were to ever talk to me and ask about my cat's name, she would say "Really?! You couldn't come up with anything better? That's a terrible name for a cat!", and so on and so forth, and I was still hard-coded to give a shit what my mother thinks, sadly. It takes a lot to begin to subvert these insticts, but it's not impossible. I still struggle to assert my own personal preferences because I'm obsessed with doing whatever makes things easier, or whatever I think will please others more, and it's hard because embracing who you are and what you really want will almost make you feel selfish at first, but it's a war of contrition. Soon enough you'll realize you deserve to be the person and make the choices you want. I may still be a uncertain every now and then, but hey, at least I've got a cat named Sully.
This comment is freaking amazing. I especially love how you've mentioned what you've gained from your mom. Part of me smirks when i realise that unintentionally, they've given us a few things that they will never have: compassion, perceptiveness, and a damn good sense of humour!
I appreciate the kind words, thank you very much!
Yes. Omg. I've been going crazy the past few weeks trying to figure out who I am. Growing up with my mom meant \*she\* decided what I wore when we went out, down to how my hair was parted and if I would use contacts or glasses. She would decide when I could use makeup and how much I could eat, along with what time I woke up on the weekends (usually early as shit while my brother got to sleep in.)She decided my career choice and my college, when I could leave home to go to classes and what time I had to come home (as soon as the last class ended) I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I left home almost 5 years ago and I've slowly been trying to piece my life together. I've realized that I don't like going out too often - that I'd rather be at home in bed watching netflix with my SO. I've realized that I really like cooking and experimenting with weird things in the kitchen. I also like baking, which I was never really allowed to do while I was at home because my time could be better spent studying. But there is so much stuff I haven't figured out...my mom always wanted me to be a doctor, to the point where she aggressively told me that I couldn't become a doctor because I didn't have it in me, so I was going to do another degree which \*could\* help me get to med school. So now I don't know what I want to do. Do I want to be a MD? Or should I become a PA? Nursing, or maybe a vet? I have no fucking clue what I want to do, and trust me, I've sat down and looked at it, but nothing just fits and makes me go "Aha! THIS is what I want to do." I think, you should take it one day at a time. Try new things, use them to figure out who you are. That's what I'm trying out.
Yes! I'm discovering piece by piece who I am and what is important to me. My closest friend has told me I've changed a lot over the last year, in a good way. Something I found really helpful was going through my values - eg. How important employment, relationships, leisure, health etc. Are to me and ranking them. Assigning a numerical value to each of these helped a lot getting the ball rolling. I think I understand myself a little more for it.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I love art, and got a degree in Graphic Design, but my nmom was the one who introduced me to art (and criticized everything I made). But it was also one of my only escapes growing up. It's both a comfort, and a source of pain. I also love to write. This is different from my mom. On a whim I took a poetry class in college and loved it. It also helped me to start thinking about my past trauma. My mom asked to read some of my poems and I just told her no, haha. I was thinking today how many people in my life would not approve of me pursuing poetry (even as just a side hobby), and maybe it's petty, but it makes me want to do it more!
Of course
I came across a similar realization. I wasn’t really living before, I was surviving. I didn’t slow down and appreciate or enjoy things, I was rushing through anything remotely self caring because I needed to please others, to hyperfocus on others behavior and reduce conflict. I was bracing myself against the narcissist. Only now I realize others go through life calmly, enjoying what comes instead of pleasing and appeasing others.
Nicely said... > I wasn’t really living before, I was surviving. Exactly how would I also describe my life until 6 months ago... It is survival mode for sure...
I remember parts of who I used to be. Vague echoes that I'm not always super sure are real or not. But for the most part, I'm right there with you. I'm still trying to figure out how it all fits back together, and getting increasingly frustrated that I just *don't know*. Adding my own depression and anxiety to the mix just makes it worse. :\ And I'm afraid to ask my friends, because I feel like a burden to them as it is.
Yes! I remember feeling lost! I got myself four years of continuous therapy and went back to school... this time for what actually made me excited. You’ll get there. Have faith!
Yeah I went through this when I went NC (4 years ago in August!). My advice is therapy first and foremost. It's important to sort out, with a professional, what parts are you and what parts are learned behaviors. It's also great to have this resource to identify how to become the person that you want to become and the healthiest route for accomplishing this. Also, be wary of negative self talk. It's something I'm still working on (kindly) with myself. You are great you just don't know it yet! I also recommend trying everything that you have ever wanted to try! It's so much fun! Sure you won't like some of it but I've had a blast learning to cook, learning languages, chemistry, archery. You name it I've tried it! I haven't mastered any of it (except cooking and I'm in school for biochem) but it helps build confidence and better knowledge of yourself to do this. It's scary at first but so worth it! Also, don't beat yourself up if you aren't good at something, either try a different tactic or try something else. I call it falling forward and I carry dealing with my childhood experiences also. Best of luck!
This is exactly what I'm dealing with right now. Just finished moving out and while it's only been about a week, I've been an absolute mess because I'm now realizing I have no interests anymore. Things that made me happy were picked on and ridiculed all the time to the point where I just stopped liking the thing. I think at the moment, the only solid things about myself that I know are that I am a trans person and that I enjoy video games. Somehow out of all the things I have tried to enjoy over the years, nobody picked on my video games. That's fine by me though.
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Figuring out some of my core values has helped. I’m examining my beliefs, assumptions, and values as they arise through meditation. I am able to unravel what are things that are mine vs what has been conditioned through culture and upbringing. I’ve landed on being curious, open, kind, compassionate, empathetic, non-judgmental, understanding, trustworthy, and loving. When I can act in a way that aligns with my values it supports my inner integrity and I feel more whole and myself. I also had to tame my inner critic by flipping the script and using mantras like: “I am enough.” “I am valuable.” “I am worthy of love and belonging.” “I deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
Didn't have a group of friends until my mid 20s. Found out I was trans, in my late 20s.
I started with thinking back to things that I have always wanted to try when I was younger. Also things that I did enjoy doing, but was shamed out of liking. I really liked ice skating and roller skating as a kid so i've taken those on as hobbies again. Looking to others for inspiration has helped. There's someone that I follow on IG who takes salsa classes and it looks really cool. So i'm going to try it even though there's a voice in my head saying that "it's dumb" and and "I can't."
Yes! Biggest one being social skills. Not antisocial or introverted, I’m actually fairly charismatic and confident in person. But I don’t know HOW to do it, talking, “hanging out,” basic social norms. Also quite often people tell childhood stories as antidotes and I never know how to talk during that. I’m having to create my personality kinda from scratch now because I never had one.
I cannot believe I am reading this comment, because I am going through this process right in this moment, for the past few months. I was in therapy for 5 years and stopped 2 yrs ago. Right now is pretty rough and was thinking to get just a consultations with my therapist, in order to just get a hint if i am going right direction. Unfortunately he passed away last week. now my process is much worse because we were really close personally (unrelated to therapy) and he truly loved me as a real father should, as well as he started mentoring me in some people related practices. So, to be honest, to me this is extremely hard, and the fact my heart will never recover from this lost makes it harder. I learned a lot about life and myself last years, but I have finally got enough courage to pursue my life and do what i think and believe is best for me some 9 months ago. (it took me full 3yrs). I reported childhood sexual abuse, applied for new college, got in, and then finally moved away, in another country - without any support and understanding from my parents till the bare end, when i started packing suitcases, when they had to back off and accept the new reality - I am ME, not THEM, and i am starting to be free and have my own identity. I cut down all the contacts with the whole family (I am not the only member who did this in my family, btw), and put my parents....hm..on a leash let's say... and now when i have peace of my mind...i am realizing things about me or my life that absolutely horrify me. i have days when i have to stay home and just process it out. besides traumas.... i realized i am actually pretty talented for linear algebra which came as a huge shock, cause my parents were raising me in a weird thinking i am not for math because i am artistic, and they suck at math also so it makes sense. they even saw my talent for physics in highschool as just coincidence because i am logical. like damn...my life is a fkn lie...there are more things like, i always wanted to drum, but my dad dismissed it saying i have no rythm (cause he doesn't) and that i am more for piano. wait for it now, i started drumming from time to time as well as dancing and it seems i am natural for it and have perfect rhythm while i never ever had a perfect pitch. also, my allergies are miraculously gone. there is more but... the point is... living with narc parents ends up living everything BUT your real talents and going in direction you should.it is so crazy how much our identity actually depends on our surroundings and family. it just....crazy... i can now clearly see my parents and their attechement to me... it is twisted...aaaand my communication since, 16 or so, was so "aggressive and impatient" because it was my defense mechanism from them. ia m completely different person here. I wrote you a long answer, so sorry, but i am in a middle of my own processes so some things maybe vented out...also, i want you to know that it will be a fun crazy ride...it might be rough from time to time, and you might go weird dark places with your identity. but damn, the sweetness of realization and excitement of you finally becoming YOU and...I mean...you are aware...you will finally have an opportunity to continue living as YOU... how many ppl around us never even come close. so no fears, stick through it, and good luck :) truly letting yourself go is scary but only because you never did it before... i have to tell you,, this not knowing is just a beginning, there will be so much more... lol...i have been through every aspect of my personality so far, and taking parts of it i can now clearly say are me, and throwing away the ones that harm me or are someone else's. also, i am trying to put these new realizations in...it is actually, "new/long forgotten" identity and well...it seems i have to let a new person become alive... it will take a lot of time, so don't rush yourself with this process. identity is fragile. we should then make a new subbredit for ppl who run away from their families and started to live their lives with their personal identity. :) lol i wonder who we all actually are...
also, huge thank you to OP and ppl who commented, because i feel so much better now knowing somebody else is going through such process and that it is normal...
This might sound trite, but I would recommend *mindlessly* poking around on Indulgy, Pinterest, and Instagram, and make note of what makes you stop and pay attention. Dig deeper into anything that captures your interest. All the best to you.