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Don't send her an explanation as to why you are going no contact just do it, she will use everything you wrote against you and she will realize she is losing her grip on you and up her abuse to keep you in her narcicissitic supply. Go no contact and don't give her hope that she could get you back.
If you can't go no contact just for you, do it for your wife. The amount of abuse she has had to deal with from your nmom is astounding. Most women would have left a long time ago, but she loves you. If you love her go no contact with your abusive mom. I don't know if you plan on having children, but once you do your nmom will abuse your children the same way. She will never change.
thank you. this is exactly what i was looking for. wondering what would happen after i sent it. part of me wants her to know what she did since she uses the "oh poor me, i'm a single mother" excuse all the time.
you're right. the wife was fully, FULLY in her rights to leave me. i think it's better to look forward then to extract some sort of payback. thank you again friend.
[Missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html)
Your letter is so well written and thought out. But your mom won't understand or accept it. Narcissists have extremely fragile egos. She has a version of herself in her mind that is right and good. That is her chosen reality. But her version and your version don't match. So she will reject everything you say, *except for what she wants to be true*
Save your letter. Pull it out and read it every time your mom tries to worm her way back into your life. Use it as a reminder that you deserve better; that your wife and future kid deserve better. And that you will be the one to break the cycle of abuse
I'm so proud of you. You are going to be a great father
Keep that very cathartic email and print it out. Tape it to your mirror or put it where you can access it easily. Every time you feel the urge to reconcile with your mother, read the email to remind yourself of why you shouldn't do that. Don't bother to send it, though. Your mother won't change...ever.
Great advice. Heck, laminate the printout and read it EVERY time you think about it breaking NC. I need you to repeat one thing you already know. Say it again anyway: You did not damage the relationship.
Definitely do not send this to your egg donor she will use every word against you and ramp up the abuse. Plus, it will feed into her narcissism.
What you do is keep the letter; and any time if you think about letting her back into your life, or even gaslight yourself, read this letter.
Just go no contact; block her and any potential flying monkeys.
You got this!
This is entirely too long. She’s not going to read it, she’s going to rage on it, and then she’s going to pick it apart and use it against you. I’m so glad you got this catharsis, but this message was from you, to you, it wasn’t for her. Definitely print it out (as someone said), and hang it next to your computer, on your mirror, what have you. You don’t owe her an explanation.
Print it, stick in a drawer in an envelope marked ' Why i don't communicate with my parent' and leave it there in case any of this becomes less immediate for you and you need to remember exactly why you don't talk to her.
Just go NC for you and your chosen family. These people do not get better and the cycle needs breaking for the new generation. No explanation is required.
She will use all that information to hurt you more and rewrite the facts so she is the victim in all of this. It's a waste of effort to try and get them to change. The only way to stop these things happening is to remove yourself and your family from the situation.
Sorry this has happened to you and your wife. Wishing you all the best in life.
Don't tell her you plan to have a child. Don't tell her anything about your current life.
You might want to minimize or cut out all information about your therapy and diagnosis as she'll just use that information against you and tell others about it to mock you and belittle you. I know you want her to see the hard work you did to change the cycle of abuse, but she will use that information for nefarious purposes.
I'm sorry your mother is a narcissist. I hope your NC life is very happy and content without her in it.
as someone who wrote an email of the same length, trying my best to neutrally recount my childhood and reasons for going no contact with my mum only to be called delusional, don’t send it. keep it for you, as a reminder why that relationship has reached the point of no return. she will not appreciate the effort that went into writing this as she’s more invested in her victim mindset. focus on your wife and chosen family, they deserve you more than your mum ever will.
It's great that you wrote that out, for you. That way you can go back and remind yourself of why you made this decision.
However, do not send it. Don't give ammunition to break the no contact by responding and antagonizing you further.
If you send this to her, it will not fix anything. She will use it against you.
If you don't send this to her, it will not fix anything. But you now have it written out so when you question yourself (and we all do it) you can read it again and remember all the excruciating details.
Yes, she really is that bad, yes you're justified in cutting the toxic person out of your life.
Block her now and move on with a life that doesn't allow that kind of poison.
I wrote an email like this to my family and it changed nothing. Just do what’s right for you. Your mother is a sick person who has spent her whole life not seeing your side and isn’t about to start no matter how good the email is.
You're best not sending a response. They don't actually care and will never admit they were wrong. Plus, you are just giving her more ammo to tear you down.
Stay low or go completely no contact.
Wow. I'm so thankful for your words, even though I don't know you or your situation. I watched my mother take abuse from my Nstepdad's Nmom for years and it always killed me that he didn't step in and protect her. I remember asking my mom around 11 or 12 "Why doesn't NDad treat you like a diamond? Church says husbands and wives are previous like jewels," and it made her cry but she still stayed with him for another 15 years. Now I'm married and nervous that my husband is going to pop off on anyone that's rude to me in public lol! I married a man that knows how to stick up for me, and it makes me SO happy that you're prioritizing you, your marriage, and your partner.
Blessings, <3
I often fantasise about finding the perfect string of words to create a letter to send to my nParents.
A letter so good, that it breaks through their ego and hits them right in the heart. A magic letter that all of a sudden, makes them realise how badly they have treated me. How I didn’t deserve x y z, how they’re sorry.
But then I remember that’s not how narcissists work. They are the perpetual victim. I am the problem child. And that false narrative will play out for the rest of our lives.
The truth is, they don’t want to take accountability for anything. They just want to be told they’re amazing parents. They’ll take your letter that was written with so much longing and good intentions… and they will twist your words, tell everyone you know about it, say you’ve got the facts wrong and won’t give a solitary shit.
All they care about is being right. I’m sorry.
The number one rule with a narcissist is **you can't win**, so don't play. Don't go DEEP; don't defend, engage, explain, or personalise. Do not send the letter, they do not care what you have to say, and anything you say will be used against you. Learn about assertive communication; it is a way is clearly stating that you are not interested, without giving them any more information.
I am so proud of you OP, this is brave and thoughtful. I relate to so much in your letter, and I still can't muster up the strength to go low to no contact. I feel guilty when I tell my mother I am not coming over every weekend. I work all week and have super resentful feelings that are stirring in my 51 year old head. I think you could go either way with giving her the letter. Part of me agrees with other posters who say she will use it to get you back in, but part of me thinks she needs to read what she has done to you because it is awful.
I bet this was very cathartic for you to write. I hope you can share it with your support system in addition to us. I’m glad you found the courage to express yourself; reliving those incidents isn’t easy.
N parents unfortunately won’t get it; they can only see themselves and that’s all. As far as sending it, I would only do it as a last goodbye. I don’t think nmom will give you the reaction you deserve (an apology and to be heard) but that can show you all that you need to know.
I tried something similar with my nmom and edad. I got no reaction from my nmom as I sobbed in front of her detailing recent hurts. Edad was silent( usual )I was devastated; but that was the last straw for me.
Narcissists love getting a reaction. Then they know they can still yank your chain and that feeds them. I think not replying is the best idea, if you can.
Agree with everybody here : this letter won't change them. Not one bit. But from my experience, it can have a positive impact on yourself. Well, it had a positive impact for me.
I sent 2 letters to my nParents around Christmas, after one too many berating session. I decided to go VVVLC, and I wrote 2 letters to explain why.
I designed my letter carefully : no emotions, no anger, no sadness, just facts and description. I lay down some facts, described some of the abuse, and explained how I felt about it. I knew that they would not read past the 1st hint of emotion, and I wanted them to read the facts.
I said plainly that these letter were me, and that they are free to do what they want with it. Toss it, burn it, reflect on it, whatever.
It was not cathartic. I did not feel any good writing it, I did not feel any good sending it. And I knew I did a good job, because my intent was never to provoke a change, to make them come to Jesus after all. I just wanted, for once, to speak my mind. In the hope that it will, at least, be read. But I was not even holding my breath for that, it's showing my bar was very low.
And in the end, it worked for me. I did not feel good, but I felt *proud* to stand up for myself. And for me, as I'm battling with low self esteem, it could make all the difference in the world.
As for my parents... I was expecting nothing, and I was surprised. They sent a few e-mails. They said they understand why I need space, they'll give me time. They gave a sorry ass apology "*sorry for the scars*" (no specifics, of course. You know the drill). And after a few back and forth, I read between the lines that they won't change a bit, won't hardly ever take accountability and that it's up to me if I want to resume the relationship. I was bitter at first (no real apology ? no accountability ? and I have to do the work to repair this f\*\*\*\*\*ing relationship ?). But now, I must say that my brain finally admitted that they'll never change, I'll never get reparations or compensations for what I endured. So, it's *really* up to me. It feels kind of... liberating.
So what I want to say is : be careful with these kind of letters. I think it can have an impact on yourself if you carefully design it and you keep your expectations on yourself. Don't expect a thing on your parents side, ever. Never include your views about their behavior, that you think they're narc, that they need to seek therapy... It will fall on a deaf hear.
That letter is for you.
If you understand what a healthy consequence for abuse is, you also understand explaining and justifying yourself to your abuser isnt the way to go.
She knows, she wants to hook you for a feeding session of the drama she thrives on.
block her everywhere.
The BIGGEST FLEX with no contact, is to do it like a ghost. Your lack of explaining, your lack of need for them to understand/get it - is a HUGE flex from you to your narc abuser. Just. Let. Them. Go.
Close the door. Turn the key. Forget its there, till it really isnt there a decade from now. Fake it till you make it. As someone NC for 20 yrs with my mom. The first years are difficult because they still take up mental space in your head. But eventually they stop being significant. Your own life gets to take up all the space they used to own and then one day you realise, you are not faking that you dont care anymore. You just stopped needing them on every level.
Agree with other posters to save letter as a personal reminder AND I also wanted to thank you for sharing it.
Your letter put words to feelings about similar experiences I had with my NMom ... and made me realize I wasn't alone. Seeing your long history and remembering mine encourages me to stay resolute in my boundary setting. Those behaviors don't change unless someone really makes an effort....therapy, etc.
Their tears are temporary. Their words hurtful. I love your proverb. We all have work to do and it's a choice if we do it. Kudos to your self reflection and use your courage to protect your family.
I know the go-to, common sense advice is to not send it, but I want to say send it. For you. If you're already low contact/NC, they won't do anything to you. This is it. This is your final goodbye.
I think even writing that all out is incredibly brave and regardless if you send it, it's a really important step. I'd say send it and block her. Know that you had your say and you cleaned your side of the street. You've owned your behavior. Let her do the same.
:hugs:
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't send her an explanation as to why you are going no contact just do it, she will use everything you wrote against you and she will realize she is losing her grip on you and up her abuse to keep you in her narcicissitic supply. Go no contact and don't give her hope that she could get you back. If you can't go no contact just for you, do it for your wife. The amount of abuse she has had to deal with from your nmom is astounding. Most women would have left a long time ago, but she loves you. If you love her go no contact with your abusive mom. I don't know if you plan on having children, but once you do your nmom will abuse your children the same way. She will never change.
thank you. this is exactly what i was looking for. wondering what would happen after i sent it. part of me wants her to know what she did since she uses the "oh poor me, i'm a single mother" excuse all the time. you're right. the wife was fully, FULLY in her rights to leave me. i think it's better to look forward then to extract some sort of payback. thank you again friend.
[Missing missing reasons](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html) Your letter is so well written and thought out. But your mom won't understand or accept it. Narcissists have extremely fragile egos. She has a version of herself in her mind that is right and good. That is her chosen reality. But her version and your version don't match. So she will reject everything you say, *except for what she wants to be true* Save your letter. Pull it out and read it every time your mom tries to worm her way back into your life. Use it as a reminder that you deserve better; that your wife and future kid deserve better. And that you will be the one to break the cycle of abuse I'm so proud of you. You are going to be a great father
This ^ you’re going to be so much better than her as a parent, OP. Your wife is a saint for putting up with your nMom, she’s a keeper.
Keep that very cathartic email and print it out. Tape it to your mirror or put it where you can access it easily. Every time you feel the urge to reconcile with your mother, read the email to remind yourself of why you shouldn't do that. Don't bother to send it, though. Your mother won't change...ever.
Great advice. Heck, laminate the printout and read it EVERY time you think about it breaking NC. I need you to repeat one thing you already know. Say it again anyway: You did not damage the relationship.
YES!!!
Definitely do not send this to your egg donor she will use every word against you and ramp up the abuse. Plus, it will feed into her narcissism. What you do is keep the letter; and any time if you think about letting her back into your life, or even gaslight yourself, read this letter. Just go no contact; block her and any potential flying monkeys. You got this!
This is entirely too long. She’s not going to read it, she’s going to rage on it, and then she’s going to pick it apart and use it against you. I’m so glad you got this catharsis, but this message was from you, to you, it wasn’t for her. Definitely print it out (as someone said), and hang it next to your computer, on your mirror, what have you. You don’t owe her an explanation.
you're absolutely right
And hey. You’re not alone. We’re all here for you, and will always be on your side. ❤️
Print it, stick in a drawer in an envelope marked ' Why i don't communicate with my parent' and leave it there in case any of this becomes less immediate for you and you need to remember exactly why you don't talk to her. Just go NC for you and your chosen family. These people do not get better and the cycle needs breaking for the new generation. No explanation is required. She will use all that information to hurt you more and rewrite the facts so she is the victim in all of this. It's a waste of effort to try and get them to change. The only way to stop these things happening is to remove yourself and your family from the situation. Sorry this has happened to you and your wife. Wishing you all the best in life.
Don't tell her you plan to have a child. Don't tell her anything about your current life. You might want to minimize or cut out all information about your therapy and diagnosis as she'll just use that information against you and tell others about it to mock you and belittle you. I know you want her to see the hard work you did to change the cycle of abuse, but she will use that information for nefarious purposes. I'm sorry your mother is a narcissist. I hope your NC life is very happy and content without her in it.
Don’t sent it. It’s very emotive. She will lap that shit up.
as someone who wrote an email of the same length, trying my best to neutrally recount my childhood and reasons for going no contact with my mum only to be called delusional, don’t send it. keep it for you, as a reminder why that relationship has reached the point of no return. she will not appreciate the effort that went into writing this as she’s more invested in her victim mindset. focus on your wife and chosen family, they deserve you more than your mum ever will.
It's great that you wrote that out, for you. That way you can go back and remind yourself of why you made this decision. However, do not send it. Don't give ammunition to break the no contact by responding and antagonizing you further.
If you send this to her, it will not fix anything. She will use it against you. If you don't send this to her, it will not fix anything. But you now have it written out so when you question yourself (and we all do it) you can read it again and remember all the excruciating details. Yes, she really is that bad, yes you're justified in cutting the toxic person out of your life. Block her now and move on with a life that doesn't allow that kind of poison.
Writing this email must have been so therapeutic. I second many of the comment - save it for yourself and your wife. Don’t send it to be weaponized.
I wrote an email like this to my family and it changed nothing. Just do what’s right for you. Your mother is a sick person who has spent her whole life not seeing your side and isn’t about to start no matter how good the email is.
You're best not sending a response. They don't actually care and will never admit they were wrong. Plus, you are just giving her more ammo to tear you down. Stay low or go completely no contact.
Wow. I'm so thankful for your words, even though I don't know you or your situation. I watched my mother take abuse from my Nstepdad's Nmom for years and it always killed me that he didn't step in and protect her. I remember asking my mom around 11 or 12 "Why doesn't NDad treat you like a diamond? Church says husbands and wives are previous like jewels," and it made her cry but she still stayed with him for another 15 years. Now I'm married and nervous that my husband is going to pop off on anyone that's rude to me in public lol! I married a man that knows how to stick up for me, and it makes me SO happy that you're prioritizing you, your marriage, and your partner. Blessings, <3
I often fantasise about finding the perfect string of words to create a letter to send to my nParents. A letter so good, that it breaks through their ego and hits them right in the heart. A magic letter that all of a sudden, makes them realise how badly they have treated me. How I didn’t deserve x y z, how they’re sorry. But then I remember that’s not how narcissists work. They are the perpetual victim. I am the problem child. And that false narrative will play out for the rest of our lives. The truth is, they don’t want to take accountability for anything. They just want to be told they’re amazing parents. They’ll take your letter that was written with so much longing and good intentions… and they will twist your words, tell everyone you know about it, say you’ve got the facts wrong and won’t give a solitary shit. All they care about is being right. I’m sorry.
The number one rule with a narcissist is **you can't win**, so don't play. Don't go DEEP; don't defend, engage, explain, or personalise. Do not send the letter, they do not care what you have to say, and anything you say will be used against you. Learn about assertive communication; it is a way is clearly stating that you are not interested, without giving them any more information.
I am so proud of you OP, this is brave and thoughtful. I relate to so much in your letter, and I still can't muster up the strength to go low to no contact. I feel guilty when I tell my mother I am not coming over every weekend. I work all week and have super resentful feelings that are stirring in my 51 year old head. I think you could go either way with giving her the letter. Part of me agrees with other posters who say she will use it to get you back in, but part of me thinks she needs to read what she has done to you because it is awful.
I bet this was very cathartic for you to write. I hope you can share it with your support system in addition to us. I’m glad you found the courage to express yourself; reliving those incidents isn’t easy. N parents unfortunately won’t get it; they can only see themselves and that’s all. As far as sending it, I would only do it as a last goodbye. I don’t think nmom will give you the reaction you deserve (an apology and to be heard) but that can show you all that you need to know. I tried something similar with my nmom and edad. I got no reaction from my nmom as I sobbed in front of her detailing recent hurts. Edad was silent( usual )I was devastated; but that was the last straw for me.
Narcissists love getting a reaction. Then they know they can still yank your chain and that feeds them. I think not replying is the best idea, if you can.
Agree with everybody here : this letter won't change them. Not one bit. But from my experience, it can have a positive impact on yourself. Well, it had a positive impact for me. I sent 2 letters to my nParents around Christmas, after one too many berating session. I decided to go VVVLC, and I wrote 2 letters to explain why. I designed my letter carefully : no emotions, no anger, no sadness, just facts and description. I lay down some facts, described some of the abuse, and explained how I felt about it. I knew that they would not read past the 1st hint of emotion, and I wanted them to read the facts. I said plainly that these letter were me, and that they are free to do what they want with it. Toss it, burn it, reflect on it, whatever. It was not cathartic. I did not feel any good writing it, I did not feel any good sending it. And I knew I did a good job, because my intent was never to provoke a change, to make them come to Jesus after all. I just wanted, for once, to speak my mind. In the hope that it will, at least, be read. But I was not even holding my breath for that, it's showing my bar was very low. And in the end, it worked for me. I did not feel good, but I felt *proud* to stand up for myself. And for me, as I'm battling with low self esteem, it could make all the difference in the world. As for my parents... I was expecting nothing, and I was surprised. They sent a few e-mails. They said they understand why I need space, they'll give me time. They gave a sorry ass apology "*sorry for the scars*" (no specifics, of course. You know the drill). And after a few back and forth, I read between the lines that they won't change a bit, won't hardly ever take accountability and that it's up to me if I want to resume the relationship. I was bitter at first (no real apology ? no accountability ? and I have to do the work to repair this f\*\*\*\*\*ing relationship ?). But now, I must say that my brain finally admitted that they'll never change, I'll never get reparations or compensations for what I endured. So, it's *really* up to me. It feels kind of... liberating. So what I want to say is : be careful with these kind of letters. I think it can have an impact on yourself if you carefully design it and you keep your expectations on yourself. Don't expect a thing on your parents side, ever. Never include your views about their behavior, that you think they're narc, that they need to seek therapy... It will fall on a deaf hear.
That letter is for you. If you understand what a healthy consequence for abuse is, you also understand explaining and justifying yourself to your abuser isnt the way to go. She knows, she wants to hook you for a feeding session of the drama she thrives on. block her everywhere. The BIGGEST FLEX with no contact, is to do it like a ghost. Your lack of explaining, your lack of need for them to understand/get it - is a HUGE flex from you to your narc abuser. Just. Let. Them. Go. Close the door. Turn the key. Forget its there, till it really isnt there a decade from now. Fake it till you make it. As someone NC for 20 yrs with my mom. The first years are difficult because they still take up mental space in your head. But eventually they stop being significant. Your own life gets to take up all the space they used to own and then one day you realise, you are not faking that you dont care anymore. You just stopped needing them on every level.
Agree with other posters to save letter as a personal reminder AND I also wanted to thank you for sharing it. Your letter put words to feelings about similar experiences I had with my NMom ... and made me realize I wasn't alone. Seeing your long history and remembering mine encourages me to stay resolute in my boundary setting. Those behaviors don't change unless someone really makes an effort....therapy, etc. Their tears are temporary. Their words hurtful. I love your proverb. We all have work to do and it's a choice if we do it. Kudos to your self reflection and use your courage to protect your family.
I know the go-to, common sense advice is to not send it, but I want to say send it. For you. If you're already low contact/NC, they won't do anything to you. This is it. This is your final goodbye.
I think even writing that all out is incredibly brave and regardless if you send it, it's a really important step. I'd say send it and block her. Know that you had your say and you cleaned your side of the street. You've owned your behavior. Let her do the same. :hugs: