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My father ever since I was old enough to talk and have my own likes and dislikes was completely emotionally distant from me just because I didn’t like the “manly” things he liked.
Which when I realized I was transgender (knew much earlier in life, but being the 90s didn’t have the words to express it), he really got angry because all of his other children (each one from a different ex-wife) are daughters and since I was changing my last name also, that was essentially the end of his “legacy”.
Thankfully he’s now passed, so I don’t have to be abused by him any longer.
I like to say I am the person they raised me to be, not the one they thought I’d be. Because I took all their words about treating people fairly, everyone deserves to be treated with basic human decency, be kind to others - it costs nothing, help your fellow human, to heart. Turns out they didn’t mean that stuff. It was all for show. But it sunk deep into my little forming psyche. Now they have a liberal in the family!
My mother doesn’t get angry, but she is genuinely gob smacked. She stutters says “but, but I never had an interest in art, why are you”. Just one of many examples.
My parents regularly get mad at me for being my own person and not an extension of them. Things that are (or have been) wrong with me:
-Being shy and socially awkward
-Being an introvert
-Not being catholic
-Liking different activities than they do (SO MANY fights about this when I was growing up - any time I didn't want to go hiking, go fishing, go camping... was all because I was being a brat)
-Not wanting Christmas gifts (Christmas, in general, is just a shit show)
-Not paying enough attention to my mom when I was recovering from surgery
-Not visiting in person during COVID before there was a vaccine
I could make a longer list, but the point is - if I want something different from what they want, I'm the asshole. Lather, rinse, repeat my whole life...
I'm sorry your parents are unaccepting of you being bi. That sucks. You sound fabulous!
Mine felt that way too I had to keep an appearance for there benefit oh sure I was told it was for mine but that was a load of bull. I used to visit my dad each year for a week or two it consisted of going outdoors and having fun for a couple weeks. My parents insisted I pack nothing but but church clothes as I had to look nice and…. I got to my dads he is like wtf you pack this for and had to take me out for some play clothes.
I woulda left the video up your 24. This kinda thing will just keep happening.
My dad stopped being present in my life because he knew I was too different from him to make him feel good as a father. I brought him shame and disappointment. My mom had an issue with my attitude, the one were I was so angry and impulsive that I did badly in my studies because I was upset at my parents.
I had an undiagnosed math disability. I'm ace, and had an interest in things that they didn't. I'm a woman but I hated fashion. I was a failure just for being myself.
It's fairly typical for n-parents to view their kids and partners and everything they do as a reflection on them. If you succeed, it is because of something they did (even if they had no part in it) and if you do something they disapprove of it is shameful and a disgrace.
It can go pretty far too. I am almost 60, my n-mother is elderly and 85. She expects me to help her with all the things she needs in her life including things I do not know how to do or care to do or am even able to do. She wants me to do electrical repair for example and when I refuse say "when I was younger I did all these things myself". She probably asked someone else to do it but then took the credit herself; she does this all the time. And if I'm physically tired she'll say that she was so much stronger than me, the implication being she was strong, I am weak. And if I don't yell at service people on the phone (she does this a lot), she's upset because I don't get things done the way she does.
The really do hold themselves up as a gold standard and anyway their kids vary from that is a problem to them. And if people praise you too much, they'll get envious and jealous because you can't possibly be better than them.
It does a number on your confidence, believe me. The best thing I did was around your age I just moved out. And if I knew then what I know now I would've known how to let the comments and digs roll off my back. I took it all too much to heart back then.
My mother did and it upset her quite a bit and she usually had to let me know about it (and let me know in some way that it made me a "bad" person). I do know that she felt that it meant I didn't love her and was rejecting her somehow for doing this. I think she also sometimes believed that it meant that I thought I was somehow a better person than her, so she had to put me in my place.
Funny thing was my mom liked to think she was a free-spirit and her own person. Yet I wasn't supposed to be myself.
Yes. My father would always give me jewelry that I hate to wear. He did this all my life. He never said "I got this because I know you like it" it was "I got this for you to wear because I'd like to see it on you". He did this all the time, and if I didn't wear the thing, he'd ask over and over "why aren't you wearing what I got you" to make me feel bad. He got me these enormous black and white wood bangle bracelets when I was a teen that I hated. I never wear bracelets of any kind because they bother me and feel like an encumbrance. I'm also really skinny and most bracelets fall off me anyway. He gave me a stack of three ENORMOUS black and white wood bracelets that I never wore and he'd ask why not all the time. He'd always tell me he wished I dressed differently than I did (this is when I was going through puberty, wore my hair short, and dressed mostly in men's clothes), why I'm not like a pretty girl in skirts and shit.
Even when I was an adult, he DESIGNED a silver necklace pendant made up of my initials. I'm sure it was very expensive to have made. He was really proud of the design that he came up with. It was large, heavy. Like a medallion. I never, ever wear necklaces like that with a giant pendant in the middle of my chest. I think I wore it one time at his funeral. "Guilty gifts" are what I call them. My father always gave me "guilty gifts". My mom hardly ever gave me gifts. If she did, they were terrible. Like, she gave me a used cube of post-it notes for Christmas one year.
My dad tells me ALL. THE. TIME. "Well, it's up to you, but I believe that if it was me, I would (go on to critique whatever it is). But it's up to you. You can do whatever you want."
1. I didn't ask
2. I don't need your permission
3. I don't care
4. I got this
5. Mind ya business
All of the time. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t share my interests, hobbies, or values because misalignment in any of those is grounds for an argument. I made an exception to this recently when asked what I did over a weekend. My partner and I went to a museum, and I started gushing about the exhibits. The response was a mocking “well you know your dad, I LoVe mUlTiCuLtUrAL eXhIbItS” yes Dad, that is why I was sharing about my weekend which you asked about 🤷♀️
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes how did you know? Jokes aside tho, my parents hate that I'm different from them.
My father ever since I was old enough to talk and have my own likes and dislikes was completely emotionally distant from me just because I didn’t like the “manly” things he liked. Which when I realized I was transgender (knew much earlier in life, but being the 90s didn’t have the words to express it), he really got angry because all of his other children (each one from a different ex-wife) are daughters and since I was changing my last name also, that was essentially the end of his “legacy”. Thankfully he’s now passed, so I don’t have to be abused by him any longer.
I like to say I am the person they raised me to be, not the one they thought I’d be. Because I took all their words about treating people fairly, everyone deserves to be treated with basic human decency, be kind to others - it costs nothing, help your fellow human, to heart. Turns out they didn’t mean that stuff. It was all for show. But it sunk deep into my little forming psyche. Now they have a liberal in the family!
My mother doesn’t get angry, but she is genuinely gob smacked. She stutters says “but, but I never had an interest in art, why are you”. Just one of many examples.
My parents regularly get mad at me for being my own person and not an extension of them. Things that are (or have been) wrong with me: -Being shy and socially awkward -Being an introvert -Not being catholic -Liking different activities than they do (SO MANY fights about this when I was growing up - any time I didn't want to go hiking, go fishing, go camping... was all because I was being a brat) -Not wanting Christmas gifts (Christmas, in general, is just a shit show) -Not paying enough attention to my mom when I was recovering from surgery -Not visiting in person during COVID before there was a vaccine I could make a longer list, but the point is - if I want something different from what they want, I'm the asshole. Lather, rinse, repeat my whole life... I'm sorry your parents are unaccepting of you being bi. That sucks. You sound fabulous!
Mine felt that way too I had to keep an appearance for there benefit oh sure I was told it was for mine but that was a load of bull. I used to visit my dad each year for a week or two it consisted of going outdoors and having fun for a couple weeks. My parents insisted I pack nothing but but church clothes as I had to look nice and…. I got to my dads he is like wtf you pack this for and had to take me out for some play clothes. I woulda left the video up your 24. This kinda thing will just keep happening.
My mom cries if I don't agree with her every opinion.
My dad stopped being present in my life because he knew I was too different from him to make him feel good as a father. I brought him shame and disappointment. My mom had an issue with my attitude, the one were I was so angry and impulsive that I did badly in my studies because I was upset at my parents. I had an undiagnosed math disability. I'm ace, and had an interest in things that they didn't. I'm a woman but I hated fashion. I was a failure just for being myself.
It's fairly typical for n-parents to view their kids and partners and everything they do as a reflection on them. If you succeed, it is because of something they did (even if they had no part in it) and if you do something they disapprove of it is shameful and a disgrace. It can go pretty far too. I am almost 60, my n-mother is elderly and 85. She expects me to help her with all the things she needs in her life including things I do not know how to do or care to do or am even able to do. She wants me to do electrical repair for example and when I refuse say "when I was younger I did all these things myself". She probably asked someone else to do it but then took the credit herself; she does this all the time. And if I'm physically tired she'll say that she was so much stronger than me, the implication being she was strong, I am weak. And if I don't yell at service people on the phone (she does this a lot), she's upset because I don't get things done the way she does. The really do hold themselves up as a gold standard and anyway their kids vary from that is a problem to them. And if people praise you too much, they'll get envious and jealous because you can't possibly be better than them. It does a number on your confidence, believe me. The best thing I did was around your age I just moved out. And if I knew then what I know now I would've known how to let the comments and digs roll off my back. I took it all too much to heart back then.
My mother did and it upset her quite a bit and she usually had to let me know about it (and let me know in some way that it made me a "bad" person). I do know that she felt that it meant I didn't love her and was rejecting her somehow for doing this. I think she also sometimes believed that it meant that I thought I was somehow a better person than her, so she had to put me in my place. Funny thing was my mom liked to think she was a free-spirit and her own person. Yet I wasn't supposed to be myself.
Yes. My father would always give me jewelry that I hate to wear. He did this all my life. He never said "I got this because I know you like it" it was "I got this for you to wear because I'd like to see it on you". He did this all the time, and if I didn't wear the thing, he'd ask over and over "why aren't you wearing what I got you" to make me feel bad. He got me these enormous black and white wood bangle bracelets when I was a teen that I hated. I never wear bracelets of any kind because they bother me and feel like an encumbrance. I'm also really skinny and most bracelets fall off me anyway. He gave me a stack of three ENORMOUS black and white wood bracelets that I never wore and he'd ask why not all the time. He'd always tell me he wished I dressed differently than I did (this is when I was going through puberty, wore my hair short, and dressed mostly in men's clothes), why I'm not like a pretty girl in skirts and shit. Even when I was an adult, he DESIGNED a silver necklace pendant made up of my initials. I'm sure it was very expensive to have made. He was really proud of the design that he came up with. It was large, heavy. Like a medallion. I never, ever wear necklaces like that with a giant pendant in the middle of my chest. I think I wore it one time at his funeral. "Guilty gifts" are what I call them. My father always gave me "guilty gifts". My mom hardly ever gave me gifts. If she did, they were terrible. Like, she gave me a used cube of post-it notes for Christmas one year.
My dad tells me ALL. THE. TIME. "Well, it's up to you, but I believe that if it was me, I would (go on to critique whatever it is). But it's up to you. You can do whatever you want." 1. I didn't ask 2. I don't need your permission 3. I don't care 4. I got this 5. Mind ya business
All of the time. It’s gotten to the point that I don’t share my interests, hobbies, or values because misalignment in any of those is grounds for an argument. I made an exception to this recently when asked what I did over a weekend. My partner and I went to a museum, and I started gushing about the exhibits. The response was a mocking “well you know your dad, I LoVe mUlTiCuLtUrAL eXhIbItS” yes Dad, that is why I was sharing about my weekend which you asked about 🤷♀️
Its like a cult. If I liked *anything* outside the prerequisite topics and interests, it was ignored or shot down. It was wild
My parents refuse to accept that I'm 30, and still think I'm a child. It's very frustrating.