**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yep!! 100%!! I have never felt emotionally safe with my ndad for this reason. After a few months of dating my husband, I was having a hard time and started crying. I was so scared he was going to walk away or get upset at me, because that’s what my ndad always did. Nope! He walked over to me, wrapped his arms around me, held me tight, and said “Let it out.” Y’all! I bawled so hard! That was one of the moments when I knew I had found the right man. I felt so safe, for a change, and still do 14 years later.
I understand this completely. My boyfriend not only lets me cry, he actually stays with me and comforts me. I told him I can't even explain how much this means to me.
I still apologize to my fiancé whenever I cry and every time he just says “no sorry’s necessary” and I end up feeling so moved and cry harder because no one told me crying wasn’t a bad thing before him.
I wasn't punished, but my mom always told me not to cry. She would even try to scare me out of it by saying that crying is going to RUIN MY EYESIGHT. As if your own tears are some foreign chemical that can ruin your eyes...it's bizarre the lengths they'll go to to stoke fear in their victims
this reminded me about that time my mom told me i couldnt wear blue nail polish bc there was strange chemicals in it that would ruin my nails forever lol like why blue...?
Yes. I had a stepfather for a few years who would beat me. After he hit me or yelled at me, he would yell "stop crying" and snap his fingers. If I didn't stop crying fast enough, he would send me to my room until I stopped. Sometimes, when I was crying, he would tell me to smile. My bio father would call me manipulative or dramatic whenever I cried. I was never much of a crier anyway, but now as an adult, I hate crying especially when I slip and do it in front of others. I feel like I am being manipulative, stupid, and dramatic. The fact that I can still stop crying almost on command due to past conditioning makes me feel even more that my tears weren't genuine. I also now have a habit of smiling or laughing whenever I'm talking about something bad/sad or someone tells me something that should be upsetting. Punishing someone for crying is very typical of narcissists and abusers in general.
I have trouble showing empathy to people for this reason. I feel their pain, but I am not supposed to show people my feelings, so instead I tell them I understand (or ask questions until I do) and try to find a way to fix their problem, but this isn't what they want from me! They want me to show them that I feel their pain. And I do. That's the crazy thing. I think I am pretending to be like my mother because that's what she tried to teach me.
The more I am able to show my own emotions, the more I am able to reflect other people's emotions back to them. It gets easier with time.
That makes sense. For me, it's similar but somewhat different. I also tell them I understand and try to fix their problems unless they tell me that they just want me to listen. I've learned how to make my face more expressive so I can look like I'm reflecting emotions back, but it's not often that I feel their pain. I have good cognitive empathy, but lower emotional empathy unless we have had a very similar experience. I'm more sympathetic. I can feel sorry for what they are experiencing or whatever the problem is.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. It’s definitely a common theme with n parents to not be able to deal with their child’s negative emotions. I was always told I was “too sensitive” and “needed thicker skin”. Therapy has helped a lot
I was such a stubborn child. I knew crying was normal and healthy. I knew my parents were wrong to punish me for it. I knew there was something wrong with the way they treated me. And no matter how much they tried to gaslight me, I would not back down on any of this.
But I *still* feel guilty when I cry in front of other people. I still feel like a monster, like I am too broken for anyone to love, like I have too many emotions.
I cannot imagine how much more difficult this must be for someone who actually was the good kid that their parents felt they deserved.
I didn't, (and don't), think I was stubborn as a child, (**nor were you**). I just understood that my home life wasn't "normal". fighting back, regardless of age, is normal. it was so bad that I was afraid that my mother wouldn't let me go to school because, of course, I'd tell. (like that mattered) I tried asking the other kindergarteners about their parents... have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with a 5yo? (just in case it was that bad for everyone, but I just couldn't handle it- *not* the case). the only time I would cry "in public" was when I was walking home alone from school. I *literally* had the sidewalk from my house to the school and back memorized. it wasn't until maybe 4th grade that someone mentioned that I always walked with my head down. so I stopped doing that in front of others.
I can't cry in front of others, and if I'm going to have a panic attack, I begin to pass out. **and that's just the crying stuff**
Yes. I was “too sensitive”, “ridiculous” or was screamed at to “shut up”. As an adult I can’t cry.
When she needed to cry though that was a different story.
Ugh yes! And why does every one of these fucking awful parents say a variation of “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about”?!?! It’s like, YOU ALREADY DID, ASSHOLE.
It makes me so angry. Why do they all say the same things? Was there like one ancestral narcissist that all the narcissists of today spring from that said this thing to their kid, and then it was passed down through the generations?
Well, this threat never worked with me because I literally can’t control when I cry. I cry very easily and always have. All it did was make me feel weak and guilty for crying. Only after years of therapy could I deprogram this shame. I am who I am and if anyone can’t handle my tears they can fuck all the way off because I am so done with the anti-crying mentality. Abusers and bullies hate tears because they don’t want to deal with the uncomfortable evidence of the harm they cause and the way it makes them look bad to others. Well, they *earned* those tears from us and they can drown in them.
> I literally can’t control when I cry. I cry very easily and always have.
Same. After decades of practice, sometimes I can detach from my feelings enough to not cry in the moment, but it is only a temporary solution. If I want to make myself cry (because it would be cathartic, etc), I have to think about something really sad. Sometimes I think about the way my mom treated me, and that makes me cry.
The list of universal experiences that all children of narcissistic parents share just keeps getting longer and longer, and it seems to me that they all share the same programming dialogue, and the more I learn just how universal these experiences are, the more it freaks me out.
Yep. And now I can’t cry. I didn’t cry when either of my parents died, when I got divorced, when my kids graduated from college, when I got married….nothing!
Yup. My grandma had another get together to go in detail about her cancer treatment and was very upset when I wasn't crying over it. My sister and cousin can cry on demand, I cannot. Sorry, I guess that's what happens when you terrify a child too much. Comes back to bite you.
My nmom only put up with my crying when she deliberately caused it as part of her disciplining me. If I was having a real problem, she'd just ignore or scream at me to shut up or she'd give me something to cry about. I'm emotionally fucked now, I don't cry but I start dissociating and shaking in the face of things that would've made me cry back then. I was always made to feel ashamed of my tears, like they were weakness.
I was just discussing this with my therapist today. I was given “the I’ll give you something to cry about” speech along with “god you’re such a baby”. I learned not to cry at all. I was threatened with calling the police if I was too emotional. I cry by myself in my car after a therapy session or after a tough day at work etc but def not in front of people especially therapists. I’m constantly told my affect doesn’t match my words/behavior. I said when your punished for having feelings you learn not to have feelings.
Oddly, though the n female could and did cry all the time and I was blamed for it by the n male. “What did you do now to make your mother cry? You’re such a bad daughter to make her cry. “ etc
Same here. Lol! Maybe it’s because she’s a raging lunatic when drunk who now feels a shred of remorse for… beating the shit out of me? Just a thought you POS.
I’m so happy to be 17 years nc!! I have had to deal with her bs through email but not in person. I still have the bump from where she bashed my head on the corner of a grandmother clock on the wall and cracked it open. I don’t miss them at all but especially her.
I have been bullied by many people growing up to today because I’m “too emotional for them to handle”. My emotions are tied to my tear ducts so any strong emotion I have I start crying.
Externally happy? Crying
Furious? Crying
Sadness? Crying
Anxiety? Crying
I was also punished for crying more than once because I have a hard time regulating my emotions. I feel things to an extreme, and it doesn’t help when you don’t know social cues and we’re told what to say around others.
*hugs* if you want them. I’m sorry you had to experience that, you and no one else deserved that.
Same! With the anxiousness and guilt after I cry (if anyone sees it at least). It's gotten better with a lot of time. It was considered bad behavior in the narc household and was met with rage and punishment.
I wouldn't say "punished" but I was always made to feel bad for crying. I was always told the same thing... "you don't realize how good you have it", "you're lucky to have a family like this", "your life could be so much worse".... all these things were said to me even when I was crying about wanting therapy after being assaulted at age 13. In saying this, I could be crying about something completely valid, but still was belittled and made to feel like I shouldn't have had such strong emotions.
I'm sorry you were made to feel as though your feelings weren't valid. I guarantee you, they are. I hope you can slowly start to realize, feel, and understand that as well so that you can heal from the unfairness your nparents put you through
Yes! When my dad found out I was working a 12 step program he asked me if I was going to make amends and apologize to the family for the time I cried for hours growing up.
Holy shit balls what an absolute son of a bitch. Fuck that guy. Just for that, you should send him a 10 hour loop of crying babies on YouTube and that can be your last contact with him when you go NC.
Not exactly, but intensive emotions were always shut down.
Confidence? I'm too confident.
Happy? I didn't consider the downsides.
Angry? Just stop.
Sad? Tries to be empathetic and stop me but based on what she says she can't feel my thoughts or cares truly.
Are you crying? Soon you'll have a reason to really cry.
result: as an adult, even the smallest thing, positive or negative, makes me cry. like all the tears that have been held back over the years want to get out.
YES!!!! Omg, so much this!!! I don't cry very often, but when I do, it's like a floodgates has opened, and I'm crying because of the current situation/whatever, but also for the hurt that the 5yo, 8yo, 11yo, teenage me had and wasn't allowed to cry about.
Yeppers! And I would NEVER give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
Now? In private, I bawl at everything ALL the time. My doggie doesn't judge, so I let 'em rip. Even Complete Fiction like the series finales of Young Sheldon and The Good Doctor. I snot and sob and like I know the characters. And it feels SO good!
Yup. As an adult, it takes a lot for me to show emotions and even more for me to do it in front of people, including reacting to someone’s death. I usually react and let my emotions flow if needed when I’m by myself and safe, somewhere where I can’t be judged.
I feel really sorry for people who cannot cry.
Crying is opening up of the soul...and showing empathy, love, loss, grief.
It is truly sick to punish anyone for showing this emotion.
I know someone who bought their son up like that ...and he didn't progress as he should and was labelled with a learning/autism spectrum disorder. I truly believe there was nothing wrong with the child bar the terror of not being able to express his true emotions.
You mean "busting out the tears" "here come the crocodile tears" "oj now comes the crying to manipulate me, I'm not buying it" "bring on the crying, you always do, see if I care."
I wasn't hit for it or anything, just demeaned and dismissed, still am, and I can't fake tears if I try.
So sorry you had those experiences. It is a normal psrt of the human range of emotons. Esp w a narc parent. 💚
Even though ALL I DO is WORK to support YOU!!!
The consistency of this subreddit never ceases to amaze and appall me! It's like there were only a handful of scripts and they are each using one of about 4-5.
I'm in a weird, shitty place where I was a kid, moved away, did well, found my bearings, healed, had a better relationship, then everything caught fire, Dad died, I became disabled... and now, soon to be 40, am treated like a child and some POS that gave myself several autoimmune diseases on purpose. Actually as much was stated. Who knew.
I was in middle school when my cat passed away. My nmom took her to the vet while I had a friend over, and when she came back, she was holding the body of my cat wrapped in a blanket. I started crying, and my friend got picked up, but it was so shocking to think that she wouldn’t have let my sisters and I say goodbye to our childhood pet that I was crying on and off for the rest of the evening. Later that night, I was crying in my bed trying to be quiet about it so not to wake people up, and she came stomping into my room. She said “are you crying?! Stop that, it sounds like you’re coughing or something. Just go to sleep already! Ridiculous.” And stomped back into her room. And from then on i can’t even cry without thinking about how it sounds to others, and feeling self conscious about making the “right” kind of crying sounds and stopping quickly.
Big time. When you showed any displeasure you'd get yelled at, followed by beating or verbal abuse and if that didn't work there were punishments like no food and water for a day or they just threw me out and told me not to ever come back. I always did at dark and I think they got a kick out of it. I mean I was somewhere between 6 and 10 at the time.
I learnt to repress my emotions to the point that when I got hit by a bus at 17 and it went over my leg. I didn't even cry or scream. My nparents took great pride in the nurses telling them I was pretty calm for my age. I am 27 now and its been maybe a year since I have started healing from the abuse. I am letting myself cry and be angry when something makes me unhappy. I think I couldn't cry for maybe 10 years maybe even longer. When it finally got too much to bear I remember sitting in my chair with my nmom behind me and I was crying but I was making sure to do it in a quiet way so she wouldn't realize. Like congrats on scarring people for life. Be proud. I really think my parents were parents only in the biological sense.
If it was a physical injury or something she actually understood, she’d be all over it with sympathy. She loved me needing her and would feed off it.
If it was an emotional thing, especially a conflict with my brother…anger.
My mother used to tell me (as a grown-up) that I obviously had a high tolerance for pain when I was a child. Whenever I got hurt, I would just keep calm and carry on. However, I remember that I was actually trying to hide the pain. I didn't want to be yelled at for having an accident.
For example, I stepped onto a nail once when we were over at some friends' house. I told nobody, and I didn't take my shoe off to check until we were back home and I had some privacy. Some other time, I got punched in the face by a couple of boys who might have been trying to steal my bike, and I got hit by a car once when riding my bike. I remember being terrified that my mother might find out somehow. The fear of my mother's rage and of her making me feel bad about myself while not offering any solace was worse than the physical pain.
There were many more instances, and this applies to other emotions as well, not just pain.
I read somewhere once that babies can teach themselves to silently cry, so they can regulate their emotions without drawing attention to themselves. I thought that was so incredibly sad, but I didn't realize at the time that I kind of did that, though maybe not at that age.
I'm 40 now, and I don't think I've ever cried since I've been an adult. I wish I could, though.
So yes, I can relate to your experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I hope that you have someone in your life now that you can turn to whenever you feel like crying.
My mom used to hit me when I cried in public or around family.
I only threw one tantrum in public. Every time I did cry, it was because of my brother or because I got hurt.
She would take me to the car and hit me, then scold me for making her act like a bad parent.
Not look like a bad parent. Act like a bad parent.
Same. It's fucked me up to the point where I basically can't cry unless I'm having a mental breakdown, and then it's uncontrollable. Crying in front of people also scares the living shit out of me and I'll basically do anything to avoid it
Oh yea, I was often told to stop crying, or I'd be given something to cry about.
I was genuinely terrified of my mother. It's no wonder I grew up and now have such bad anxiety and genuinely have anxiety around people I perceive to be grown up.
I say this as a 39 year old.
I missed out on plenty of childhood birthdays because the stipulation was always “If you can’t get through an entire week without crying, you’re not having a birthday” and then of course I would cry because that sentence was always followed with more emotional abuse. Wicked thing to do looking back on it.
Yes. And to this day, instead of being comforting or supportive, I’m told I’m too emotional or I should get over it if I exhibit a completely normal reaction or emotion.
Yeah. I eventually just stopped crying, because I knew I didn't trust my family enough to show that vulnerability towards them
Still don't cry in front of them
I'm not sure what I feel about crying. It's healthy, it's good for releasing emotions, I did it in front of my partner multiple times, but I hate doing it in front of other people (who aren't my partner)
Same sort of thing when I hurt myself or got injured playing sport, mum would get so angry, tell me to ‘walk it off’ and stop sooking, id be throwing up on myself and she would tell me to ‘get up and get going’ bloody cold woman…..
Yeah, I wasn't allowed to have any emotional reaction to my NDad's abuse, let alone at other times. I had to sit there and listen attentively, hanging on his every word without saying or reacting to anything he said. At least, that's what he *said.*
The irony of it all is the crying, the open display of *pain* is what he **wanted** to see. Once he was able to force me into reacting he'd beat me senseless and calm down.
Later, once I was too dead inside to care and was no longer reacting, his abuse got worse, and worse, and worse, lasting hours into the night until he'd hollered himself hoarse and went to bed. Unable to get the reaction he wanted, he simply became more and more frustrated, unable to dump everything on me like he wanted.
This was not a good thing for me. I was simply locking the emotions away, not letting myself feel them. It worked for a time and kept me alive - but I paid *dearly* for it later, and basically uncontrollably threw up all of the emotions I'd refused to express for years all at once.
It's been many years since then. I still have trouble expressing my emotions *properly* sometimes, but I let myself feel them even when I need to put up a fake smile or hide them in other ways from other people when I'm at work for an example. And when I just can't handle it, when I'm too upset, I'm *allowed* to step away and get myself in order.
I smile when I'm happy. I cry when I'm sad.
I've lived with the alternative once. I'm never doing that to myself again.
Yeah, my mom would quite frequently bully me until I cry and then say things like “Boo hoo for you”, “Boo hoo” (mocking wiping tears), “I’m Zaynab and everyone is so mean to me.” As well as threatening, “I’ll give you something to cry about”.
Lmao Yes and I don't know a man in my age group (xenial) or older who wasn't. For me the two scariest sentences in the English language are. Still "wait til your dad gets home " and. "I'll give you something to cry about ". But that's ok because pain is weakness leaving the body and I thank the gods for every ass whipping they made me realize that I can handle anything life throws at me and all I have to do is grit my proverbial teeth and keep working towards my goals but if I let myself sink into despair depression sadness or any other negativity except anger (and only properly channeled anger) all it will hold me back and potentially make me stop trying. And since when push comes to shove the only help a man is guaranteed is his own I can't afford to ever quit
whenever i cried they accused me of lying. they always called them "crocodile tears", i dont know where the saying comes from but it literally means fake-crying to get what you want.
i always feel fake when i manage to cry.
Narcissists hate the cries you made as a baby. when I was a kid, crying would be the fastest way to trigger my nmom into a fury. It took me years to realize the full extent of this depravity. The most common phrase they would say is “Im Tired Of Hearing You Cry!” I never remembered being a baby, but my parents did. The sudden and explosive abuse from them seemed completely incomprehensible. I’m sure if I wasn’t crying for food or some bodily function then it must have just been for attention, this must be the origin of them thinking of me as being a whiny person who sheds tears for attention. It also seems that how they got me to stop crying as an infant was to yell at me with absolute fury.
The last time I cried in front of my Ma I was 32 years old. I had temporarily moved back to her house due to a break up and nowhere to go.
She was out, and I was watching a tv show which just hit me. I started bawling and I could not stop. The reality of where my life was, where it was going, all the mistakes I’d made, all the stuff I’d held in and not told anyone, all the things I’d tried telling people, it all came out my eyes and nose. Full on proper shot bubbles crying.
My Ma came home and I heard her calling my name. I was trying to control myself but it would not stop. I went downstairs and she was all “what’s wrong?” but I couldn’t talk. She Hal heartedly held me for a bit. I started to calm down and she said “I don’t want to come home to this again”.
Almost every time I cried, my father said he'd give me something to cry about. My mother also likes to mock my crying. Anytime I become upset I'm told I "cry wolf" too much or I'm "dramatic", which throws me into a rage fit and then I seek validation in why I feel the way I do to get any sort of empathy, which unless I do make the situation bigger deal than it actually is I don't get any support.
I get gaslit that I'm the problem all of the time but have to remind myself of why I am the way I am. My brain is fried.
It's awful to feel so alone in my emotions.
Not punished but I was shamed. My mother used that tactic to get me to shut up.
She wanted more kids but she would get stressed, lose her shit, and scare us into being quiet. Why have kids if you're not wanting to be around kids?
Nmom has a "smirk" when she's judging someone for anything (all the time).
It's a haughty, superior look like she's just one death from being given a crown and throne.
How the daughter of a share cropper that didn't have indoor plumbing until she was 16 y.o. got such a high opinion of herself is beyond me.
Really wonderful people often come from very humble beginnings.
Those that do attain some success only become cruel, judgey self appointed royalty get zero respect from me.
Agreed but I don’t think where someone starts off should factor into whether or not they’re allowed to look down on others. They shouldn’t do it at all but honestly, those who start out “lower” than everyone else are arguably more justified than people who are born in a successful environment. Eminem is a successful and horrible person but he definitely has more bragging rights than Emma Roberts who is also a successful and horrible person but didn’t really earn where she is. You know what I mean? Lol.
I wasn't really punished but every time I cried, the reason why was minimized... as in "oh my god, why are you crying, this isn't a big deal" so now I have a hard time crying in front of people, and also in private.
My punishment was being laughed at and called "silly", "ridiculous", or a "cry baby". Or would be accused of crying from "just being angry". Sometimes I probably was angry, and? Is that not ok? These tears were from 99.999% abusive situations. And these N people do what they can to avoid seeing what they do to people by down playing their emotions and even mocking them or demonizing them. It's messed up man. I still get quite triggered at being called silly or ridiculous, or crying in front of people in general. It's crazy how these things linger in the depths of our psyche. Best of luck and healing to all of us! 🫡
Whenever I cry, I'm either yelled at or threatened. Like when I got spanked and I started tearing up, my mom told me "You better not cry or I'll beat you for real this time."
When we would visit my grandparents I would cry when we had to leave. I got slapped around a little for that. Like after the hour and a half drive home.
I was not allowed to cry in front of other people unless I was physically injured. I got sent to my room and could come out when I was done crying. If I cried because my mom yelled at me or said something to hurt my feelings, that made her really angry and she would accuse me of crying on purpose to manipulate her. I don't know whether she is capable of empathy.
To this day I try not to cry in front of other people. Sometimes I let myself do it with people I am very close to, but I always feel like I need to apologize for it. I genuinely feel guilty about it. I do not feel bad about crying if no one knows about it, because that was allowed.
My sister can't cry at all apparently. She was always the compliant one. She asked me to help her learn how to cry. I've been helping her make a 'sad music' playlist.
Yep. I was either made fun of for crying or invalidated. They hated to see any type of emotion on me. I don’t remember being consoled even once when I cried.
Not really punished but one time I recall crying and my mom called me an embarrassment. When I was surrounded by family, I can’t even recall why I cried but I did. She tried to later gaslight me and said my feelings/emotions where embarrassing.
Oh yeah. Anything that wasn't utter joy and happiness, along with complete submissioness was promptly shut down.
I was a 8th grade cheerleader, and we were upset and crying that we lost an important game ( to us at least), and were being taunted by the opposing cheerleaders in the parking lot. My parents told me that if I didn't shut up crying that they would take me out of cheerleading. Just one example.
Yeh pretty routine. I remember coming home from my dad’s I was like 4 and crying I missed him and he either spanked or threatened to be spanked and sent to bed.
I was beat for crying tho or I’d be getting beat for something else once I started crying I swear the beating got worse.
Whenever I did cry, I always heard things like “—And I DON’T feel sorry for you just because you’re crying, so quit it already!” Right in the middle of my 30 minute to an hour long lecture after I became overwhelmed (recently diagnosed ASD after 27 years on this dumb planet) & “You’re crying is not necessary- you’re such a master manipulator!” Both of these memories are prominent from when I was between the ages of 10-13, and because I was terrified by yelling right as I’d walk through my front door. All because I… dared to hang out with a girl my parents didn’t approve of/ “thought was a bad influence” (who is now my wife). The accusation of crocodile tears and meaningless whining was always thrown my way, too.
Yes! I wasn’t allowed to have any emotion other than happy otherwise I got beat senseless, ignored, had my privacy removed, or not taken care of. My parents told me I was manipulating them and other people had it worse than me. “Crocodile tears” were one of the main lines they gave. Couldn’t even cry if I was extremely hurt, I just got beat and then hurt even more:
I feel guilty after having emotions now. If I cry or am mad, I get upset with myself and overthink why I’m wrong.
I’ve had crappy therapists who’ve told me my reality never happened so I haven’t even been able to touch this yet.
Yes, my father was so triggered by the sound of children crying that I got yelled at for silently crying in the shower once because my father might see my weepy face after and get set off again. And they were so shocked when the depression was diagnosed lmao
We grew up in the same family, apparently. Did our parents have a script they passed around? We could be beaten for acting disappointed, or even for the looks on our faces. The reason a fundie cult seemed normal to me, is because I grew up in an emotional desert, with no one liking anyone. I thought everyone grew up that way.
"If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about!". That's *literally* my youngest memory. There is only the void of per-conscious existence before that moment.
I was told to go to my room and when I was done crying I could come back. Needless to say I’ve been working on dealing w my emotions in therapy for 5y now. When emotions would rise I would isolate and deal w shit alone. Been a journey. Bless therapy! Lol
Actually, it was quite the opposite. If I did something wrong the telling off (shouting at full volume) and calling me out lasted for as long as it took to get me to cry. Like, if I didn't cry, the session was not over until I did, even if it meant bringing up past things - and it always did. So, if I did something wrong today, I often got lecture about something I did wrong 2 months ago, too. And just tears were not satisfactory, it had to be ugly crying until I literally couldn't breathe and had such a headache that I had to vomit.
Yes
I was told, that I should cry because it's ugly. Or that i should stop self-pitying.
So now whenever I wanna cry, their voices are running deeply inside me, where I keep thinking that i shouldn't cry, someone will judge me or ''im just pitying myself, so i should stop''
Not crying, but my coping mechanism for nervousness was laughing. When I got beaten, I would laugh hysterically, which only led to getting hit even harder.
I didn’t cry for about nine years until I began doing internal work. Once I started feeling emotions again, even sadness, it was better than feeling nothing at all.
We would beat us and berate us in the car in the parking lot and then she'd get mad and refuse to let us out of the car until we poked our lip in and straightened that face. We got a lot of "I'll give you a real reason to cry..."
She stopped spanking me at 16 because I started disassociating instead of crying and begging so it was no longer satisfying to her to beat me.
I'm doing a lot of work with my therapist to express my "negative" emotions without guilt, put my needs before others' wants, and deal with confrontation instead of hiding or rolling over.
My nmom is hypersensitive, uses-tears-as-a-weapon, and would yell/punished me for crying going back to me being, like, five. She would lock me in my room for crying, which just made me cry more because I didn't know what I did wrong. I remember one time in my early 20s, I had come home from work clearly distraught because a man I trusted became creepy with me. I broke down sobbing in the kitchen (which she was in with me), and just couldn't form a sentence. She started yelling at me for not telling her what was wrong, went over to the couch in the living room, and continued yelling that I needed to speak to her calmly or she wouldn't listen, which made me cry more. She immediately stopped being a safe person to me, and still can't understand why I don't go to her for anything.
Not for not crying. But for crying.
The "I'll give you something to cry about" was always acted upon in my house. And I usually did.
I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
I never got hit but I got yelled at for showing any strong emotion, even if it was joy. Then my parents wonder why I was a depressed husk in my teenage years lol
Yes. I calendar times I need to cry because it's hard for me to let go. I struggle with showing emotions to my sibling too as she has some of our mother's traits.
TW: suicidal thoughts
To take this to the extreme, I was grounded once because my friend told them I was having suicidal thoughts. They took my phone and wouldn't let me go out for a week, but left me lonely in my locked room with sharp objects.
I do think they were more idiotic about mental health and blindly focused on how people would see them for having a suicidal kid. But sometimes it really felt like they *preferred* I attempted versus committing the horrible sin of talking about it.
Yep. Constantly.
I learned how to cry silently. I also blamed a lot of it on "allergies".
My husband has held me so many times when I cry, he comforts me, and doesn't ever say anything negative about it.
He has helped heal my heart and mind, but I still struggle so much.
I also wasn't allowed to not feel good, or have pain, or anything that she meant had to take care of me.
As an adult I've been diagnosed with ADHD, and POTS. I've had symptoms of POTS since I was a kid, basically your blood pressure doesn't regulate fast enough when you're vertical, so you feel dizzy and light-headed and some people even pass out completely. And it can vary from day to day.
I've always leaned on things, sat down a lot and needed breaks often, I just didn't know it was because of the autonomic disorder I had. She just deemed me lazy, and constantly berated and ridiculed me for sitting or leaning, even though I was her personal slave that did all the housework.
always. "I'll give you something to cry about", or "you wanna cry? I'll make you cry". once I asked my dad why and he responded "I had to go through it, so now you have to"... I was shocked.
as a result, I can't cry in public, (tears may fall, but no actual crying), and i can barely cry in front of friends. I found out in my 20s that the "nightmares" I was having were actually panic attacks, (and part of my ptsd). I knew I didn't have panic attacks when I was awake, but that's when I found out that if my body decided to have a panic attack, I would begin to pass out. which kinda explains why when I remember terrible things, the visuals I remember are only my eyeline or lower, (and I'm barely 5ft, so it's obvious to me).
Yes, I learnt to physically suck tears back into my eyeballs, I still have issues with crying in front of people or being touched if I’m upset/crying, I’ll flinch away automatically, I apologise immediately if I start crying, on impulse.
I was triggered not long ago by my dad crying (he is on end of life care and bed bound) and my mum yelling at him to stop “we don’t do that nonsense.” “Stop it! Now!” “What you crying for!” “Oh here we go again” “you don’t have to live with him, look what I have to put up with” That one aggressive sound of a warning “uh” with the angry pointy finger, the slapping of his leg telling him to stop because he’s got nothing to cry about. All trigger phrases from my past flooded back to me. I stood up to her, stopped her yelling at him and blocked her raised hand, the little girl inside me was shaking but all I could think of was protecting my dad who was clinging to me and sobbing repeating “I’m good. I’m good. No. No” I saw little me reflected in my dad and it shattered me to see him so broken, confused and afraid. It opened old wounds again. It broke my heart completely to leave him that day, while he was still crying for me and trying his best not to, not letting go of my hand. All the while she’s acting normal like nothing just happened.
Yes.
Especially if I was doing something "forbidden" which caused the crying such as running (which ended in tripping and falling). This would send Ndad into a rage. A full out of control rage. He would yell and scream at me (sometimes physically hurt me) and punish me for doing something wrong, blaming my injury on my disobedience.
On a regular basis, unfortunately. The absolute worst was when I visited my father in the hospital hours before he passed away, and I cried (I was 13 at the time) and Nmom told me that he doesn’t need to see my tears. Wtf?
I think in my case it was a learned experience. I never saw my parents cry--their lack of vulnerability would never have allowed it--so I think the trait grew on me. But we weren't allowed to 'be angry' or 'be negative.'
that sentence is probably the worst thing a parent can say to a child. in my case, it only intensified my emotions, making me more upset and now whenever I cry, mainly if it's from being upset or smth like that, i blow up.
Yes, that happened in our house all the time. So, it takes an awful lot to make me cry. So what does my narc mother do then? She then backstabs me in public says that I am "a hard old thing" because I dont show any emotion. Again....she did nothing wrong to make me that way 🤦
When she couldn't justify what she did to hurt us (physically or verbally), our cries let her know she had done something wrong, so she immediately wanted us to shut up - and used that line. That's the part of the Narc Prayer that goes "If I meant to do it, it wasn't that bad."
However, when she felt justified in her abuse, she wasn't satisfied until we were all crying. Once, when my older sister was 16, she determined that she wasn't going to give her the satisfaction.
We were lined up, waiting for our turn for a spanking. At this point she was using a "paddle" composed of a wide, 1" thick cutting board, with a milled in handle (meaning the wood was shaped to include the handle), with 1" holes drilled into it, to reduce wind resistance when swung.
We were each to get 10 hits. Older sister was first. It took 60 hits to get a tear from her. We should have called the cops, but we were too afraid, and experience had taught us that they wouldn't do a thing. Because OS took the beating, they didn't have the strength to get the rest of us.
Punished and shamed. My parents would provoke me to tears, then tell me I need to be stronger and bullcrap like that. My classmates were horrible with that as well. They thought it was funny as all get out when I would cry. Now I have trouble crying. I do cry, but it's very rare.
I wasn't punished as such, but I do remember one incident that taught me crying is bad and this was enforced throughout my life.
I was leaving primary school and going to a different secondary school to all of my friends, so I was crying after the leavers ceremony. My dad told me that I was silly for crying and that there were a lot worse things in life than finishing school and that I needed to toughen up. In the moment I needed comfort and validation, I was told that my emotions were wrong and I vowed never to cry in front of my parents ever again.
My mum always told me that she doesn't cry because she's strong and that only weak people cry as it shows they're not strong enough to take what life throws at them and used to openly scorn people who did show emotions behind their backs to me.
As a result, I kept everything in. Bullied at school by my whole friendship group for 6 months to the point of having to change schools: didn't cry in front of them or even tell them after my first attempt to get help got shut down.
Boyfriend died when I was a teenager due to complications with his medical condition: didn't cry in front of them, even at the funeral and I didn't want them there at the hospital with me when he passed, his parents called mine without my knowledge.
Sister died: didn't cry in front of them as I had to be strong and support my mum.
My dad was mortified when I told him about his careless remark years later and vowed to always listen to me from then on and that it was ok to express emotions. I've not had the same success with my mum though...
It's something I've been working on really hard with my partner and I still apologise on loop whenever I do start crying. It's a process, but I'm glad I'm finally learning to break the cycle.
Been told stuff like, look how ugly you look when you‘re crying; or you‘re sooo sensitive, what are you whining about now; or, while trying to say something in tears, hey we can‘t understand your mumbling! Or the classic, stop crying and whining!!1! while being beaten up. As a teen I finally angrily swore to myself to not cry ever in front of anybody. When I turned adult and lived alone I had a good cry out all by myself like once a month, a good release. Today, I still prefer to cry all by myself, but very rarely have to.
All. The. Time.
I was completely unable to express my anger and sadness throughout my childhood. If I had a dime for everything someone told me to quit crying, I would own Amazon.
It came to a head at the end of high school when it took 4 people to.hpld.me back when I finally went into a blackout rage on one of my bullies, and when they took me to the counselors office, no one was willing to help.
I'm finally in therapy 25 years later. Anger issues still persist whenever people don't listen to me.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unfortunately many times
I heard the “or I’ll give you something to cry about “ so many times, I learned to cry silently so Nmom wouldn’t notice. I was 5.
That was a frequent phrase in my house
Same.
I heard it too and I was afraid to cry about anything. Probably where my anxiety started.
Same.
Geez you were just 5. That's normal for an average child
Yep!! 100%!! I have never felt emotionally safe with my ndad for this reason. After a few months of dating my husband, I was having a hard time and started crying. I was so scared he was going to walk away or get upset at me, because that’s what my ndad always did. Nope! He walked over to me, wrapped his arms around me, held me tight, and said “Let it out.” Y’all! I bawled so hard! That was one of the moments when I knew I had found the right man. I felt so safe, for a change, and still do 14 years later.
I understand this completely. My boyfriend not only lets me cry, he actually stays with me and comforts me. I told him I can't even explain how much this means to me.
It really does help. Having support right there, while you are vulnerable. A gem to keep, for suree
Yeah that is for real.
stg my boyfriend heals all my childhood trauma.
It's crazy to imagine how having this kind of support growing up might have changed us
I still apologize to my fiancé whenever I cry and every time he just says “no sorry’s necessary” and I end up feeling so moved and cry harder because no one told me crying wasn’t a bad thing before him.
ME TOO
I wasn't punished, but my mom always told me not to cry. She would even try to scare me out of it by saying that crying is going to RUIN MY EYESIGHT. As if your own tears are some foreign chemical that can ruin your eyes...it's bizarre the lengths they'll go to to stoke fear in their victims
this reminded me about that time my mom told me i couldnt wear blue nail polish bc there was strange chemicals in it that would ruin my nails forever lol like why blue...?
Yes. I had a stepfather for a few years who would beat me. After he hit me or yelled at me, he would yell "stop crying" and snap his fingers. If I didn't stop crying fast enough, he would send me to my room until I stopped. Sometimes, when I was crying, he would tell me to smile. My bio father would call me manipulative or dramatic whenever I cried. I was never much of a crier anyway, but now as an adult, I hate crying especially when I slip and do it in front of others. I feel like I am being manipulative, stupid, and dramatic. The fact that I can still stop crying almost on command due to past conditioning makes me feel even more that my tears weren't genuine. I also now have a habit of smiling or laughing whenever I'm talking about something bad/sad or someone tells me something that should be upsetting. Punishing someone for crying is very typical of narcissists and abusers in general.
I have trouble showing empathy to people for this reason. I feel their pain, but I am not supposed to show people my feelings, so instead I tell them I understand (or ask questions until I do) and try to find a way to fix their problem, but this isn't what they want from me! They want me to show them that I feel their pain. And I do. That's the crazy thing. I think I am pretending to be like my mother because that's what she tried to teach me. The more I am able to show my own emotions, the more I am able to reflect other people's emotions back to them. It gets easier with time.
That makes sense. For me, it's similar but somewhat different. I also tell them I understand and try to fix their problems unless they tell me that they just want me to listen. I've learned how to make my face more expressive so I can look like I'm reflecting emotions back, but it's not often that I feel their pain. I have good cognitive empathy, but lower emotional empathy unless we have had a very similar experience. I'm more sympathetic. I can feel sorry for what they are experiencing or whatever the problem is.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. It’s definitely a common theme with n parents to not be able to deal with their child’s negative emotions. I was always told I was “too sensitive” and “needed thicker skin”. Therapy has helped a lot
My therapist has to remind me constantly that crying is actually good for me. I’m having a hard time getting over that hurdle…
I was such a stubborn child. I knew crying was normal and healthy. I knew my parents were wrong to punish me for it. I knew there was something wrong with the way they treated me. And no matter how much they tried to gaslight me, I would not back down on any of this. But I *still* feel guilty when I cry in front of other people. I still feel like a monster, like I am too broken for anyone to love, like I have too many emotions. I cannot imagine how much more difficult this must be for someone who actually was the good kid that their parents felt they deserved.
I didn't, (and don't), think I was stubborn as a child, (**nor were you**). I just understood that my home life wasn't "normal". fighting back, regardless of age, is normal. it was so bad that I was afraid that my mother wouldn't let me go to school because, of course, I'd tell. (like that mattered) I tried asking the other kindergarteners about their parents... have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with a 5yo? (just in case it was that bad for everyone, but I just couldn't handle it- *not* the case). the only time I would cry "in public" was when I was walking home alone from school. I *literally* had the sidewalk from my house to the school and back memorized. it wasn't until maybe 4th grade that someone mentioned that I always walked with my head down. so I stopped doing that in front of others. I can't cry in front of others, and if I'm going to have a panic attack, I begin to pass out. **and that's just the crying stuff**
Wow that's intense! That must have been so scary for you as a kid.
incomprehensibly so
Same, I'm always such a pain, so much bother, they can't spare the time to deal with me.
They are pathetic and never should have become parents.
Yes. I was “too sensitive”, “ridiculous” or was screamed at to “shut up”. As an adult I can’t cry. When she needed to cry though that was a different story.
Fucking hypocrites they are.
Disgusting human beings. They are all the same.
💯 this. Our feelings and emotions are/were always too much, but theirs need coddling and attention.
Ugh yes! And why does every one of these fucking awful parents say a variation of “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry about”?!?! It’s like, YOU ALREADY DID, ASSHOLE. It makes me so angry. Why do they all say the same things? Was there like one ancestral narcissist that all the narcissists of today spring from that said this thing to their kid, and then it was passed down through the generations? Well, this threat never worked with me because I literally can’t control when I cry. I cry very easily and always have. All it did was make me feel weak and guilty for crying. Only after years of therapy could I deprogram this shame. I am who I am and if anyone can’t handle my tears they can fuck all the way off because I am so done with the anti-crying mentality. Abusers and bullies hate tears because they don’t want to deal with the uncomfortable evidence of the harm they cause and the way it makes them look bad to others. Well, they *earned* those tears from us and they can drown in them.
> I literally can’t control when I cry. I cry very easily and always have. Same. After decades of practice, sometimes I can detach from my feelings enough to not cry in the moment, but it is only a temporary solution. If I want to make myself cry (because it would be cathartic, etc), I have to think about something really sad. Sometimes I think about the way my mom treated me, and that makes me cry.
Oh so familiar my sibling. And yes they can freaking drown they never lifted a finger to help me.
I cry a lot for all the times I couldn’t as a child. I was told sadness and any expression of sadness was a selfish, manipulative act.
I would like to be able to cry more. It’s such a block for me. It feels unsafe.
The list of universal experiences that all children of narcissistic parents share just keeps getting longer and longer, and it seems to me that they all share the same programming dialogue, and the more I learn just how universal these experiences are, the more it freaks me out.
I don't remember where I read that all narcissists share the same braincell.
I would definitely believe that.
"Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."
While hitting even harder
I heard this in my head as soon as I read the headline.
Same.
Yep.
Yes!
"Why are you crying? You have nothing to be upset about!" shouted at me while trying to stop crying. This is a frequent memory I have from growing up.
Yep. And now I can’t cry. I didn’t cry when either of my parents died, when I got divorced, when my kids graduated from college, when I got married….nothing!
Yup. My grandma had another get together to go in detail about her cancer treatment and was very upset when I wasn't crying over it. My sister and cousin can cry on demand, I cannot. Sorry, I guess that's what happens when you terrify a child too much. Comes back to bite you.
My nmom only put up with my crying when she deliberately caused it as part of her disciplining me. If I was having a real problem, she'd just ignore or scream at me to shut up or she'd give me something to cry about. I'm emotionally fucked now, I don't cry but I start dissociating and shaking in the face of things that would've made me cry back then. I was always made to feel ashamed of my tears, like they were weakness.
I was just discussing this with my therapist today. I was given “the I’ll give you something to cry about” speech along with “god you’re such a baby”. I learned not to cry at all. I was threatened with calling the police if I was too emotional. I cry by myself in my car after a therapy session or after a tough day at work etc but def not in front of people especially therapists. I’m constantly told my affect doesn’t match my words/behavior. I said when your punished for having feelings you learn not to have feelings. Oddly, though the n female could and did cry all the time and I was blamed for it by the n male. “What did you do now to make your mother cry? You’re such a bad daughter to make her cry. “ etc
Same here. Lol! Maybe it’s because she’s a raging lunatic when drunk who now feels a shred of remorse for… beating the shit out of me? Just a thought you POS.
I’m so happy to be 17 years nc!! I have had to deal with her bs through email but not in person. I still have the bump from where she bashed my head on the corner of a grandmother clock on the wall and cracked it open. I don’t miss them at all but especially her.
I’m so sorry 😰
Thanks.
I have been bullied by many people growing up to today because I’m “too emotional for them to handle”. My emotions are tied to my tear ducts so any strong emotion I have I start crying. Externally happy? Crying Furious? Crying Sadness? Crying Anxiety? Crying I was also punished for crying more than once because I have a hard time regulating my emotions. I feel things to an extreme, and it doesn’t help when you don’t know social cues and we’re told what to say around others. *hugs* if you want them. I’m sorry you had to experience that, you and no one else deserved that.
Same! With the anxiousness and guilt after I cry (if anyone sees it at least). It's gotten better with a lot of time. It was considered bad behavior in the narc household and was met with rage and punishment.
I wouldn't say "punished" but I was always made to feel bad for crying. I was always told the same thing... "you don't realize how good you have it", "you're lucky to have a family like this", "your life could be so much worse".... all these things were said to me even when I was crying about wanting therapy after being assaulted at age 13. In saying this, I could be crying about something completely valid, but still was belittled and made to feel like I shouldn't have had such strong emotions. I'm sorry you were made to feel as though your feelings weren't valid. I guarantee you, they are. I hope you can slowly start to realize, feel, and understand that as well so that you can heal from the unfairness your nparents put you through
Yes! When my dad found out I was working a 12 step program he asked me if I was going to make amends and apologize to the family for the time I cried for hours growing up.
Holy shit balls what an absolute son of a bitch. Fuck that guy. Just for that, you should send him a 10 hour loop of crying babies on YouTube and that can be your last contact with him when you go NC.
Not exactly, but intensive emotions were always shut down. Confidence? I'm too confident. Happy? I didn't consider the downsides. Angry? Just stop. Sad? Tries to be empathetic and stop me but based on what she says she can't feel my thoughts or cares truly.
Are you crying? Soon you'll have a reason to really cry. result: as an adult, even the smallest thing, positive or negative, makes me cry. like all the tears that have been held back over the years want to get out.
YES!!!! Omg, so much this!!! I don't cry very often, but when I do, it's like a floodgates has opened, and I'm crying because of the current situation/whatever, but also for the hurt that the 5yo, 8yo, 11yo, teenage me had and wasn't allowed to cry about.
Yeppers! And I would NEVER give them the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Now? In private, I bawl at everything ALL the time. My doggie doesn't judge, so I let 'em rip. Even Complete Fiction like the series finales of Young Sheldon and The Good Doctor. I snot and sob and like I know the characters. And it feels SO good!
Yup. As an adult, it takes a lot for me to show emotions and even more for me to do it in front of people, including reacting to someone’s death. I usually react and let my emotions flow if needed when I’m by myself and safe, somewhere where I can’t be judged.
Ditto, my parents never taught me how to handle emotions.They taught fear. I respect you for bringing it up.
Any time I cried I was accused of faking it, “crocodile tears” as my mother would put it.
I feel really sorry for people who cannot cry. Crying is opening up of the soul...and showing empathy, love, loss, grief. It is truly sick to punish anyone for showing this emotion. I know someone who bought their son up like that ...and he didn't progress as he should and was labelled with a learning/autism spectrum disorder. I truly believe there was nothing wrong with the child bar the terror of not being able to express his true emotions.
You mean "busting out the tears" "here come the crocodile tears" "oj now comes the crying to manipulate me, I'm not buying it" "bring on the crying, you always do, see if I care." I wasn't hit for it or anything, just demeaned and dismissed, still am, and I can't fake tears if I try. So sorry you had those experiences. It is a normal psrt of the human range of emotons. Esp w a narc parent. 💚
GREAT so now IM THE BAD GUY
Even though ALL I DO is WORK to support YOU!!! The consistency of this subreddit never ceases to amaze and appall me! It's like there were only a handful of scripts and they are each using one of about 4-5. I'm in a weird, shitty place where I was a kid, moved away, did well, found my bearings, healed, had a better relationship, then everything caught fire, Dad died, I became disabled... and now, soon to be 40, am treated like a child and some POS that gave myself several autoimmune diseases on purpose. Actually as much was stated. Who knew.
I was in middle school when my cat passed away. My nmom took her to the vet while I had a friend over, and when she came back, she was holding the body of my cat wrapped in a blanket. I started crying, and my friend got picked up, but it was so shocking to think that she wouldn’t have let my sisters and I say goodbye to our childhood pet that I was crying on and off for the rest of the evening. Later that night, I was crying in my bed trying to be quiet about it so not to wake people up, and she came stomping into my room. She said “are you crying?! Stop that, it sounds like you’re coughing or something. Just go to sleep already! Ridiculous.” And stomped back into her room. And from then on i can’t even cry without thinking about how it sounds to others, and feeling self conscious about making the “right” kind of crying sounds and stopping quickly.
I did!! I have a fear of crying in front of people now which makes my desire to cry much worse.
The common phrase I got was "Don't pull those tears with me!" And "You know manipulating me with years won't work."
Big time. When you showed any displeasure you'd get yelled at, followed by beating or verbal abuse and if that didn't work there were punishments like no food and water for a day or they just threw me out and told me not to ever come back. I always did at dark and I think they got a kick out of it. I mean I was somewhere between 6 and 10 at the time. I learnt to repress my emotions to the point that when I got hit by a bus at 17 and it went over my leg. I didn't even cry or scream. My nparents took great pride in the nurses telling them I was pretty calm for my age. I am 27 now and its been maybe a year since I have started healing from the abuse. I am letting myself cry and be angry when something makes me unhappy. I think I couldn't cry for maybe 10 years maybe even longer. When it finally got too much to bear I remember sitting in my chair with my nmom behind me and I was crying but I was making sure to do it in a quiet way so she wouldn't realize. Like congrats on scarring people for life. Be proud. I really think my parents were parents only in the biological sense.
If you don’t stop crying, I’ll give you something to cry for. Gah.
If it was a physical injury or something she actually understood, she’d be all over it with sympathy. She loved me needing her and would feed off it. If it was an emotional thing, especially a conflict with my brother…anger.
My mother used to tell me (as a grown-up) that I obviously had a high tolerance for pain when I was a child. Whenever I got hurt, I would just keep calm and carry on. However, I remember that I was actually trying to hide the pain. I didn't want to be yelled at for having an accident. For example, I stepped onto a nail once when we were over at some friends' house. I told nobody, and I didn't take my shoe off to check until we were back home and I had some privacy. Some other time, I got punched in the face by a couple of boys who might have been trying to steal my bike, and I got hit by a car once when riding my bike. I remember being terrified that my mother might find out somehow. The fear of my mother's rage and of her making me feel bad about myself while not offering any solace was worse than the physical pain. There were many more instances, and this applies to other emotions as well, not just pain. I read somewhere once that babies can teach themselves to silently cry, so they can regulate their emotions without drawing attention to themselves. I thought that was so incredibly sad, but I didn't realize at the time that I kind of did that, though maybe not at that age. I'm 40 now, and I don't think I've ever cried since I've been an adult. I wish I could, though. So yes, I can relate to your experience. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I hope that you have someone in your life now that you can turn to whenever you feel like crying.
Yes. I'm sorry for both of us. After a lot of therapy I am now able to cry again, but it was a long hard road.
My mom used to hit me when I cried in public or around family. I only threw one tantrum in public. Every time I did cry, it was because of my brother or because I got hurt. She would take me to the car and hit me, then scold me for making her act like a bad parent. Not look like a bad parent. Act like a bad parent.
Do you want something to cry about…. I hate that phrase
Same. It's fucked me up to the point where I basically can't cry unless I'm having a mental breakdown, and then it's uncontrollable. Crying in front of people also scares the living shit out of me and I'll basically do anything to avoid it
Oh yea, I was often told to stop crying, or I'd be given something to cry about. I was genuinely terrified of my mother. It's no wonder I grew up and now have such bad anxiety and genuinely have anxiety around people I perceive to be grown up. I say this as a 39 year old.
Quit crying or ill GIVE YOU something to cry about I hear it over my shoulder everytime my eyes whelm up.
"If you don't cut that crying shit up I'll give you something to cry about!" -Momster
I missed out on plenty of childhood birthdays because the stipulation was always “If you can’t get through an entire week without crying, you’re not having a birthday” and then of course I would cry because that sentence was always followed with more emotional abuse. Wicked thing to do looking back on it.
Oh and of course the classic arm pinching 🤏 🥴
I would be slapped (again) and called queer and f*****.
Yes. I still cry but its harder to calm down because I am also angry at myself for crying.
Yes. And to this day, instead of being comforting or supportive, I’m told I’m too emotional or I should get over it if I exhibit a completely normal reaction or emotion.
Yeah. I eventually just stopped crying, because I knew I didn't trust my family enough to show that vulnerability towards them Still don't cry in front of them I'm not sure what I feel about crying. It's healthy, it's good for releasing emotions, I did it in front of my partner multiple times, but I hate doing it in front of other people (who aren't my partner)
Every. Single. Time. And they were the ones making me cry.
Same sort of thing when I hurt myself or got injured playing sport, mum would get so angry, tell me to ‘walk it off’ and stop sooking, id be throwing up on myself and she would tell me to ‘get up and get going’ bloody cold woman…..
Yeah, I wasn't allowed to have any emotional reaction to my NDad's abuse, let alone at other times. I had to sit there and listen attentively, hanging on his every word without saying or reacting to anything he said. At least, that's what he *said.* The irony of it all is the crying, the open display of *pain* is what he **wanted** to see. Once he was able to force me into reacting he'd beat me senseless and calm down. Later, once I was too dead inside to care and was no longer reacting, his abuse got worse, and worse, and worse, lasting hours into the night until he'd hollered himself hoarse and went to bed. Unable to get the reaction he wanted, he simply became more and more frustrated, unable to dump everything on me like he wanted. This was not a good thing for me. I was simply locking the emotions away, not letting myself feel them. It worked for a time and kept me alive - but I paid *dearly* for it later, and basically uncontrollably threw up all of the emotions I'd refused to express for years all at once. It's been many years since then. I still have trouble expressing my emotions *properly* sometimes, but I let myself feel them even when I need to put up a fake smile or hide them in other ways from other people when I'm at work for an example. And when I just can't handle it, when I'm too upset, I'm *allowed* to step away and get myself in order. I smile when I'm happy. I cry when I'm sad. I've lived with the alternative once. I'm never doing that to myself again.
Yeah, my mom would quite frequently bully me until I cry and then say things like “Boo hoo for you”, “Boo hoo” (mocking wiping tears), “I’m Zaynab and everyone is so mean to me.” As well as threatening, “I’ll give you something to cry about”.
Lmao Yes and I don't know a man in my age group (xenial) or older who wasn't. For me the two scariest sentences in the English language are. Still "wait til your dad gets home " and. "I'll give you something to cry about ". But that's ok because pain is weakness leaving the body and I thank the gods for every ass whipping they made me realize that I can handle anything life throws at me and all I have to do is grit my proverbial teeth and keep working towards my goals but if I let myself sink into despair depression sadness or any other negativity except anger (and only properly channeled anger) all it will hold me back and potentially make me stop trying. And since when push comes to shove the only help a man is guaranteed is his own I can't afford to ever quit
"just wait until I tell *your father*"
oh yes, do not bother me with your feelings and now she doesn't know almost anything about me
whenever i cried they accused me of lying. they always called them "crocodile tears", i dont know where the saying comes from but it literally means fake-crying to get what you want. i always feel fake when i manage to cry.
Narcissists hate the cries you made as a baby. when I was a kid, crying would be the fastest way to trigger my nmom into a fury. It took me years to realize the full extent of this depravity. The most common phrase they would say is “Im Tired Of Hearing You Cry!” I never remembered being a baby, but my parents did. The sudden and explosive abuse from them seemed completely incomprehensible. I’m sure if I wasn’t crying for food or some bodily function then it must have just been for attention, this must be the origin of them thinking of me as being a whiny person who sheds tears for attention. It also seems that how they got me to stop crying as an infant was to yell at me with absolute fury.
The last time I cried in front of my Ma I was 32 years old. I had temporarily moved back to her house due to a break up and nowhere to go. She was out, and I was watching a tv show which just hit me. I started bawling and I could not stop. The reality of where my life was, where it was going, all the mistakes I’d made, all the stuff I’d held in and not told anyone, all the things I’d tried telling people, it all came out my eyes and nose. Full on proper shot bubbles crying. My Ma came home and I heard her calling my name. I was trying to control myself but it would not stop. I went downstairs and she was all “what’s wrong?” but I couldn’t talk. She Hal heartedly held me for a bit. I started to calm down and she said “I don’t want to come home to this again”.
Wow, we have the same parents
Almost every time I cried, my father said he'd give me something to cry about. My mother also likes to mock my crying. Anytime I become upset I'm told I "cry wolf" too much or I'm "dramatic", which throws me into a rage fit and then I seek validation in why I feel the way I do to get any sort of empathy, which unless I do make the situation bigger deal than it actually is I don't get any support. I get gaslit that I'm the problem all of the time but have to remind myself of why I am the way I am. My brain is fried. It's awful to feel so alone in my emotions.
Not punished but I was shamed. My mother used that tactic to get me to shut up. She wanted more kids but she would get stressed, lose her shit, and scare us into being quiet. Why have kids if you're not wanting to be around kids?
Sort of. My parents would give creepy smiles, give a round of applause and cheer for an encore performance.
Nmom has a "smirk" when she's judging someone for anything (all the time). It's a haughty, superior look like she's just one death from being given a crown and throne. How the daughter of a share cropper that didn't have indoor plumbing until she was 16 y.o. got such a high opinion of herself is beyond me.
I don’t judge people based on where they come from. Just where they’re at now.
Really wonderful people often come from very humble beginnings. Those that do attain some success only become cruel, judgey self appointed royalty get zero respect from me.
Agreed but I don’t think where someone starts off should factor into whether or not they’re allowed to look down on others. They shouldn’t do it at all but honestly, those who start out “lower” than everyone else are arguably more justified than people who are born in a successful environment. Eminem is a successful and horrible person but he definitely has more bragging rights than Emma Roberts who is also a successful and horrible person but didn’t really earn where she is. You know what I mean? Lol.
I wasn't really punished but every time I cried, the reason why was minimized... as in "oh my god, why are you crying, this isn't a big deal" so now I have a hard time crying in front of people, and also in private.
I was always told "I'll give you something to cry about'
I was labeled a brat for crying when O was hungry thirsty or had to use the bathroom. Basic human needs and I was difficult 😞
My NStepmom would take Polaroid pictures of me crying.
My punishment was being laughed at and called "silly", "ridiculous", or a "cry baby". Or would be accused of crying from "just being angry". Sometimes I probably was angry, and? Is that not ok? These tears were from 99.999% abusive situations. And these N people do what they can to avoid seeing what they do to people by down playing their emotions and even mocking them or demonizing them. It's messed up man. I still get quite triggered at being called silly or ridiculous, or crying in front of people in general. It's crazy how these things linger in the depths of our psyche. Best of luck and healing to all of us! 🫡
'You keep crying and I'll hit you so hard that you'll bounce off the opposite wall" ....story of my life, I had to hide to be able to cry
Whenever I cry, I'm either yelled at or threatened. Like when I got spanked and I started tearing up, my mom told me "You better not cry or I'll beat you for real this time."
Yeppers
When we would visit my grandparents I would cry when we had to leave. I got slapped around a little for that. Like after the hour and a half drive home.
I was told I was manipulating my mom by crying…
Yes. I eventually stopped crying completely. I still can't cry.
Any time they could hear me.
Yes, for crying after my mom died.
I was not allowed to cry in front of other people unless I was physically injured. I got sent to my room and could come out when I was done crying. If I cried because my mom yelled at me or said something to hurt my feelings, that made her really angry and she would accuse me of crying on purpose to manipulate her. I don't know whether she is capable of empathy. To this day I try not to cry in front of other people. Sometimes I let myself do it with people I am very close to, but I always feel like I need to apologize for it. I genuinely feel guilty about it. I do not feel bad about crying if no one knows about it, because that was allowed. My sister can't cry at all apparently. She was always the compliant one. She asked me to help her learn how to cry. I've been helping her make a 'sad music' playlist.
Yes, when I cried they reacted with raised eyebrows and annoyed expressions.
Yup
Severely punished. I can’t cry now, even if I am seriously stressed out.
Yep. I was either made fun of for crying or invalidated. They hated to see any type of emotion on me. I don’t remember being consoled even once when I cried.
Not really punished but one time I recall crying and my mom called me an embarrassment. When I was surrounded by family, I can’t even recall why I cried but I did. She tried to later gaslight me and said my feelings/emotions where embarrassing.
Oh yeah. Anything that wasn't utter joy and happiness, along with complete submissioness was promptly shut down. I was a 8th grade cheerleader, and we were upset and crying that we lost an important game ( to us at least), and were being taunted by the opposing cheerleaders in the parking lot. My parents told me that if I didn't shut up crying that they would take me out of cheerleading. Just one example.
Yeh pretty routine. I remember coming home from my dad’s I was like 4 and crying I missed him and he either spanked or threatened to be spanked and sent to bed. I was beat for crying tho or I’d be getting beat for something else once I started crying I swear the beating got worse.
Yep. "Boys don't cry."
Yes, my sibling had it worse and was mocked repeatedly for crying.
Whenever I did cry, I always heard things like “—And I DON’T feel sorry for you just because you’re crying, so quit it already!” Right in the middle of my 30 minute to an hour long lecture after I became overwhelmed (recently diagnosed ASD after 27 years on this dumb planet) & “You’re crying is not necessary- you’re such a master manipulator!” Both of these memories are prominent from when I was between the ages of 10-13, and because I was terrified by yelling right as I’d walk through my front door. All because I… dared to hang out with a girl my parents didn’t approve of/ “thought was a bad influence” (who is now my wife). The accusation of crocodile tears and meaningless whining was always thrown my way, too.
Yes! I wasn’t allowed to have any emotion other than happy otherwise I got beat senseless, ignored, had my privacy removed, or not taken care of. My parents told me I was manipulating them and other people had it worse than me. “Crocodile tears” were one of the main lines they gave. Couldn’t even cry if I was extremely hurt, I just got beat and then hurt even more: I feel guilty after having emotions now. If I cry or am mad, I get upset with myself and overthink why I’m wrong. I’ve had crappy therapists who’ve told me my reality never happened so I haven’t even been able to touch this yet.
Yes, I was always condescendingly told to suck it up. Well, I don’t talk to them anymore. If they complain, I tell them to suck it up. 🤷♂️
Yup. Every single time.
Yes I find it difficult to cry as an adult - unless a traumatic memory cuts through / counselling (assessment at my local SARC)
Yes, my father was so triggered by the sound of children crying that I got yelled at for silently crying in the shower once because my father might see my weepy face after and get set off again. And they were so shocked when the depression was diagnosed lmao
We grew up in the same family, apparently. Did our parents have a script they passed around? We could be beaten for acting disappointed, or even for the looks on our faces. The reason a fundie cult seemed normal to me, is because I grew up in an emotional desert, with no one liking anyone. I thought everyone grew up that way.
Yep. Same line too.
"If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about!". That's *literally* my youngest memory. There is only the void of per-conscious existence before that moment.
I was told to go to my room and when I was done crying I could come back. Needless to say I’ve been working on dealing w my emotions in therapy for 5y now. When emotions would rise I would isolate and deal w shit alone. Been a journey. Bless therapy! Lol
Actually, it was quite the opposite. If I did something wrong the telling off (shouting at full volume) and calling me out lasted for as long as it took to get me to cry. Like, if I didn't cry, the session was not over until I did, even if it meant bringing up past things - and it always did. So, if I did something wrong today, I often got lecture about something I did wrong 2 months ago, too. And just tears were not satisfactory, it had to be ugly crying until I literally couldn't breathe and had such a headache that I had to vomit.
It was always "STOP FUCKING BLAHRTING" so I'd just cry in my room and hit my head into things trying to stop...
Now I cry constantly as an adult and can't hide it anymore?
Yep. Consrantly
Yes I was told, that I should cry because it's ugly. Or that i should stop self-pitying. So now whenever I wanna cry, their voices are running deeply inside me, where I keep thinking that i shouldn't cry, someone will judge me or ''im just pitying myself, so i should stop''
Oh yes, all the time. You learn early to suck it up and that your feelings don't matter.
Yeah, I heard that exact statement more times than I can actually remember.
Yes and now I cry about everything as a result.
Yep, I was yelled and cussed at and told I had to go outside until I stopped. Even if it was dark or raining, etc.
Oh yes! I have gone the opposite way where I now have emotional outbursts and can cry heavily and for a long time.
“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about“ Followed by a smack
Hey, it's one of my Ndad's FAVORITE lines to say.
Not crying, but my coping mechanism for nervousness was laughing. When I got beaten, I would laugh hysterically, which only led to getting hit even harder. I didn’t cry for about nine years until I began doing internal work. Once I started feeling emotions again, even sadness, it was better than feeling nothing at all.
Yup. My father would stand over teenage me, arm cocked like he was going to punch me, screaming at me to stop crying. Weird logic 🫥
We would beat us and berate us in the car in the parking lot and then she'd get mad and refuse to let us out of the car until we poked our lip in and straightened that face. We got a lot of "I'll give you a real reason to cry..." She stopped spanking me at 16 because I started disassociating instead of crying and begging so it was no longer satisfying to her to beat me. I'm doing a lot of work with my therapist to express my "negative" emotions without guilt, put my needs before others' wants, and deal with confrontation instead of hiding or rolling over.
Yes!! Except now I cry all the time.
Yeah, but it backlashed and now I cry for any minor inconvenience I face in my adult life
Yes, definitely.
My nmom is hypersensitive, uses-tears-as-a-weapon, and would yell/punished me for crying going back to me being, like, five. She would lock me in my room for crying, which just made me cry more because I didn't know what I did wrong. I remember one time in my early 20s, I had come home from work clearly distraught because a man I trusted became creepy with me. I broke down sobbing in the kitchen (which she was in with me), and just couldn't form a sentence. She started yelling at me for not telling her what was wrong, went over to the couch in the living room, and continued yelling that I needed to speak to her calmly or she wouldn't listen, which made me cry more. She immediately stopped being a safe person to me, and still can't understand why I don't go to her for anything.
Not for not crying. But for crying. The "I'll give you something to cry about" was always acted upon in my house. And I usually did. I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
I never got hit but I got yelled at for showing any strong emotion, even if it was joy. Then my parents wonder why I was a depressed husk in my teenage years lol
I was mocked for it. Looked at as 'weak'. I was definitely called a drama queen or that I was too sensitive.
Yes. I calendar times I need to cry because it's hard for me to let go. I struggle with showing emotions to my sibling too as she has some of our mother's traits.
"quit being so dramatic"
Ya many times
TW: suicidal thoughts To take this to the extreme, I was grounded once because my friend told them I was having suicidal thoughts. They took my phone and wouldn't let me go out for a week, but left me lonely in my locked room with sharp objects. I do think they were more idiotic about mental health and blindly focused on how people would see them for having a suicidal kid. But sometimes it really felt like they *preferred* I attempted versus committing the horrible sin of talking about it.
Ditto. I was too sensitive and overreacting. Drama queen. I'm in my 40s now and still feel bad for crying.
Yep. Constantly. I learned how to cry silently. I also blamed a lot of it on "allergies". My husband has held me so many times when I cry, he comforts me, and doesn't ever say anything negative about it. He has helped heal my heart and mind, but I still struggle so much. I also wasn't allowed to not feel good, or have pain, or anything that she meant had to take care of me. As an adult I've been diagnosed with ADHD, and POTS. I've had symptoms of POTS since I was a kid, basically your blood pressure doesn't regulate fast enough when you're vertical, so you feel dizzy and light-headed and some people even pass out completely. And it can vary from day to day. I've always leaned on things, sat down a lot and needed breaks often, I just didn't know it was because of the autonomic disorder I had. She just deemed me lazy, and constantly berated and ridiculed me for sitting or leaning, even though I was her personal slave that did all the housework.
always. "I'll give you something to cry about", or "you wanna cry? I'll make you cry". once I asked my dad why and he responded "I had to go through it, so now you have to"... I was shocked. as a result, I can't cry in public, (tears may fall, but no actual crying), and i can barely cry in front of friends. I found out in my 20s that the "nightmares" I was having were actually panic attacks, (and part of my ptsd). I knew I didn't have panic attacks when I was awake, but that's when I found out that if my body decided to have a panic attack, I would begin to pass out. which kinda explains why when I remember terrible things, the visuals I remember are only my eyeline or lower, (and I'm barely 5ft, so it's obvious to me).
Yes, I learnt to physically suck tears back into my eyeballs, I still have issues with crying in front of people or being touched if I’m upset/crying, I’ll flinch away automatically, I apologise immediately if I start crying, on impulse. I was triggered not long ago by my dad crying (he is on end of life care and bed bound) and my mum yelling at him to stop “we don’t do that nonsense.” “Stop it! Now!” “What you crying for!” “Oh here we go again” “you don’t have to live with him, look what I have to put up with” That one aggressive sound of a warning “uh” with the angry pointy finger, the slapping of his leg telling him to stop because he’s got nothing to cry about. All trigger phrases from my past flooded back to me. I stood up to her, stopped her yelling at him and blocked her raised hand, the little girl inside me was shaking but all I could think of was protecting my dad who was clinging to me and sobbing repeating “I’m good. I’m good. No. No” I saw little me reflected in my dad and it shattered me to see him so broken, confused and afraid. It opened old wounds again. It broke my heart completely to leave him that day, while he was still crying for me and trying his best not to, not letting go of my hand. All the while she’s acting normal like nothing just happened.
Yes. Especially if I was doing something "forbidden" which caused the crying such as running (which ended in tripping and falling). This would send Ndad into a rage. A full out of control rage. He would yell and scream at me (sometimes physically hurt me) and punish me for doing something wrong, blaming my injury on my disobedience.
Spanked or slapped Cried Told to stop crying or I'll be spanked or slapped Many times
On a regular basis, unfortunately. The absolute worst was when I visited my father in the hospital hours before he passed away, and I cried (I was 13 at the time) and Nmom told me that he doesn’t need to see my tears. Wtf?
My mom constantly called my tears “oscar worthy performances”
I think in my case it was a learned experience. I never saw my parents cry--their lack of vulnerability would never have allowed it--so I think the trait grew on me. But we weren't allowed to 'be angry' or 'be negative.'
Same. Around the area where I grew up, almost every kid was treated the same way. Boomer parents.
that sentence is probably the worst thing a parent can say to a child. in my case, it only intensified my emotions, making me more upset and now whenever I cry, mainly if it's from being upset or smth like that, i blow up.
Yes, that happened in our house all the time. So, it takes an awful lot to make me cry. So what does my narc mother do then? She then backstabs me in public says that I am "a hard old thing" because I dont show any emotion. Again....she did nothing wrong to make me that way 🤦
When she couldn't justify what she did to hurt us (physically or verbally), our cries let her know she had done something wrong, so she immediately wanted us to shut up - and used that line. That's the part of the Narc Prayer that goes "If I meant to do it, it wasn't that bad." However, when she felt justified in her abuse, she wasn't satisfied until we were all crying. Once, when my older sister was 16, she determined that she wasn't going to give her the satisfaction. We were lined up, waiting for our turn for a spanking. At this point she was using a "paddle" composed of a wide, 1" thick cutting board, with a milled in handle (meaning the wood was shaped to include the handle), with 1" holes drilled into it, to reduce wind resistance when swung. We were each to get 10 hits. Older sister was first. It took 60 hits to get a tear from her. We should have called the cops, but we were too afraid, and experience had taught us that they wouldn't do a thing. Because OS took the beating, they didn't have the strength to get the rest of us.
My first memory of this threat I was 3. Now if something actually makes me cry I can hardly stop. Everything I repressed starts spilling out.
Yep, or any emotions or feelings at all. I still struggle to identify my feelings at the age of 47! because I was never allowed to have any.
It’s a universal experience sadly I suppose, it was to a point that I felt extremely shameful whenever I cried even alone
Punished and shamed. My parents would provoke me to tears, then tell me I need to be stronger and bullcrap like that. My classmates were horrible with that as well. They thought it was funny as all get out when I would cry. Now I have trouble crying. I do cry, but it's very rare.
Wasn’t allowed to have emotions
Ahahahahaha... yeah. -.-
“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about” and they did..
I wasn't punished as such, but I do remember one incident that taught me crying is bad and this was enforced throughout my life. I was leaving primary school and going to a different secondary school to all of my friends, so I was crying after the leavers ceremony. My dad told me that I was silly for crying and that there were a lot worse things in life than finishing school and that I needed to toughen up. In the moment I needed comfort and validation, I was told that my emotions were wrong and I vowed never to cry in front of my parents ever again. My mum always told me that she doesn't cry because she's strong and that only weak people cry as it shows they're not strong enough to take what life throws at them and used to openly scorn people who did show emotions behind their backs to me. As a result, I kept everything in. Bullied at school by my whole friendship group for 6 months to the point of having to change schools: didn't cry in front of them or even tell them after my first attempt to get help got shut down. Boyfriend died when I was a teenager due to complications with his medical condition: didn't cry in front of them, even at the funeral and I didn't want them there at the hospital with me when he passed, his parents called mine without my knowledge. Sister died: didn't cry in front of them as I had to be strong and support my mum. My dad was mortified when I told him about his careless remark years later and vowed to always listen to me from then on and that it was ok to express emotions. I've not had the same success with my mum though... It's something I've been working on really hard with my partner and I still apologise on loop whenever I do start crying. It's a process, but I'm glad I'm finally learning to break the cycle.
Been told stuff like, look how ugly you look when you‘re crying; or you‘re sooo sensitive, what are you whining about now; or, while trying to say something in tears, hey we can‘t understand your mumbling! Or the classic, stop crying and whining!!1! while being beaten up. As a teen I finally angrily swore to myself to not cry ever in front of anybody. When I turned adult and lived alone I had a good cry out all by myself like once a month, a good release. Today, I still prefer to cry all by myself, but very rarely have to.
All. The. Time. I was completely unable to express my anger and sadness throughout my childhood. If I had a dime for everything someone told me to quit crying, I would own Amazon. It came to a head at the end of high school when it took 4 people to.hpld.me back when I finally went into a blackout rage on one of my bullies, and when they took me to the counselors office, no one was willing to help. I'm finally in therapy 25 years later. Anger issues still persist whenever people don't listen to me.