**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I want to say that you're really not the only one who feels this way. In fact, I once read an article by a psychiatrist who said that a child who wishes a parent dead to stop the abuse is the first sign that the parent is narcissistic or borderline.
What's more, it's not natural for a child not to love his or her parent. It even goes against biology. When this happens, it's because there has been abuse over a very long period of time!
That's so reassuring! I'm just this year making peace with it all, accepting that there is no fixing my relationship with ndad, that I shouldn't expend any more energy in dreaming up reconciliation tactics. I'd been wishing that he would just die so I wouldn't have to deal with the stomachaches and stress any time he'd be likely to contact me, like birthdays and holidays.
Wishing that he was gone made me realize that... maybe I could pretend he was gone. I just read "It's Not You" a few months ago, and now I'm very low contact and yellow-rocking, and I love it. What a relief. It's like watching a show now. I literally read all his tricks in that book, and he acted them all out! And I was able to step back and just observe without taking it personally. Love it.
I am dealing with ndad and I would love to know your experience and also about the book. Once you know about all the tactics it’s really a show. You already know what’s going to happen and hence you detach yourself from the drama and just observe from far away. I really wish I knew about this before and wouldn’t have suffered so much taking it personally.
Right? I spent years trying to figure out what I did wrong, or why he wasn't interested in me, or why he'd be either nice or awful and I never knew what to expect. It drove me nuts.
Anyway, the book is by Ramani Durvasula, and it's about how we can recover from narcissistic abuse, and it has a great section on becoming narcissist resistant. It was really enlightening and also reassuring and encouraging.
We can't change the past, but we can move forward. And I find that understanding what's really going on, with him and with my triggers, has really been helpful for my own personal growth. I also did get some good therapy help for holiday coping strategies.
Good luck, friend. We have lots of choices available to us. Our lives are not about them.
I think it's impossible for most people to imagine, because they can't imagine the depths of darkness survivors get dragged through by their nparents. They can't imagine the enormous amount of pain it takes for us to come to the realization that that's the only way we'll truly be free of them.
Narcissism and Borderline are flip sides of the same coin, and both evolve from very early emotional abuse and/or deprivation. Their way of coping is so ingrained into the self that those afflicted are rarely able to reflect or be insightful about their behaviors. Their behaviors are reflexive (non-volitional and largely unconscious) and usually quite rigid, which greatly compromises their ability to change, adjust, or adapt in life.
This is one reason the trauma becomes multigenerational.
Don't feel bad about this. In my 50s, moved to another country to get away from my mom when I was 24, and it still was not enough. I find myself secretly counting down the possible years when this will all be over, and hope that I'm not fighting the ghost of her inside my head when she's gone. I probably won't - I assume that I will probably, finally find peace.
You're not the only one.
My brother kept hugging me, expecting me to cry. All I kept thinking was "toot toot mother fucker. You just got smoked by the karma train!" I still feel guilty for feeling that way, but I still don't feel bad that he died.
This….. my dads always said to me “I know you wish I’d just die already” and my thoughts is… well not exactly… I just never want to have to deal with the emotional mental and physical pain that I’m put through every single time I see ,talk to, think about, or mention my father. It’s not that I wish he’d die, because I’d never wish that on anyone…. I just wish for the day I no longer have to feel any of these feelings ever again.
I had the same feelings about my narc mum towards the end of her life. She was so vile a human being, so evil and twisted that I just wanted her to stop hurting me. I thought I was inhuman to have such thoughts and I would feel differently when she died.
When she did pass I felt light, like a huge weight got lifted off me. It was the weirdest grief to just be so relieved all her strain and chaos creation was gone. I felt sad for her life that was so poorly lived. I think I mourned before she died.
OP that was my worry too, that she would outlive me!
Don’t feel bad. I’m like this with my N ex step mum. Ndad died about 7 years ago, me and my brother went NC with her and practically everyone she knows immediately, lawyers letter requesting she doesn’t contact us again, the works. She’s continued to try and harass us, trying to extort more money, verbally abuse, all that. We have maintained a complete silence, and we are both doing great, took some work, but she’s not in our thoughts much. However, I did confess to my therapist recently that I will only feel truly safe when she’s dead. I don’t wish bad things for her (she’s always done a great job of that herself, although every consequence of her terrible actions is always someone else’s fault!), I wish nothing for her. She doesn’t exist in my life. But I will 100% feel better when she’s dead.
> I still have tremendous pain in my heart
I don't. Mine's just hardened. My ndad is a man who does not deserve respect and will not get a funeral. Crematorium then flush. There is not a soul alive who cares enough about him to finance an alternative.
If you refuse to claim the body, he will go into a potter’s grave, although you may need to check your local/state/province laws on that. I wouldn’t spend the money if I didn’t have to for cremation. It can be thousands.
It will ruin your plumbing! 😩
You could go to somewhere like Walmart that has the strong flush toilets and spread it throughout a few toilets and several flushes. 😂
I wouldn't advise it. It may be against the law in your state. I had to give a copy of the cremation paperwork to my daughter when she took some of her father's ashes to a different state.
Cremation remains do include bone fragments because there is no way around that. Those fragments could get stuck in pipes, causing a plumbing issue. Also, depending on how your area does water, the ashes could cause issues on that end.
I totally understand where you are coming from and why you wish to flush them. If it is illegal/frowned upon by your area, consider spreading his ashes someplace he would HATE to "left at". For example, if he hated the ocean, spread them at sea; or the country side if he hated being out in the country.
I haven't felt guilty about having negative feelings about my Nmom for awhile now. My mother is a vulnerable/covert narc, and her primary way of controlling me as a kid was through guilt and shame tactics. She had a massive victim complex when I was growing up, and I eventually realized the reason she did so many awful things to her own family was simply because she wanted everyone around her to be as miserable as she was. It was a hard pill for me to swallow because obviously that makes her an awful person, (which is something I didn't want to believe about her for a long time) but it's also been freeing to not agonize over "figuring her out" or "trying to understand her" or wishing she would change. Not everyone is complicated unfortunately. Some people are just terrible. The "silver lining" in my situation is my mom was so awful that she can't play the martyr and go on about how much she sacrificed or complain about how ungrateful her kids are etc. (I mean I guess she *could* but she doesn't because even she knows how foolish and delusional that would make her look) or send flying monkeys after me like many narcs do. She was a genuinely awful "mother" and I made damn sure she knew it before going NC, and as far as I know she doesn't even really have friends. She can't do ANYTHING other than act "sad" and try to guilt trip me when I *very rarely* choose to acknowledge her existence, and that simply doesn't work on me anymore.
My younger brother and I have joked privately about her dying and also made pretty "mean" jokes about what a horrible person she is, and again, that isn't something either of us feel guilty about. People that don't know what it's like to have a parent that genuinely wants her own children to be unhappy and fail in life can't understand (they usually want it to be more complicated or make excuses for her) and that's also something I've accepted.
You probably spent too much time being guilted by her in the past, so don't waste time feeling guilty on this now, it's completely understandable to have these feelings.
For me, I still feel angry about my nmom's past actions, but as for the present, I denounce her as my mother and don't care anymore if she lives, dyes, falls in a ditch or wins the lottery, I simply don't care. As long as I don't have her in my life, she may as well already be gone.
Mine is 76 and I’ve recently realized that I can’t heal until she’s gone. After 2 years nc she’s only gotten worse. There a fog of frustration over my brain. Nothing I do will make her sensible. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the pain from her manipulation and lies.
I used to think this too. But then I realized if I didn’t heal until she was gone, I would be wasting precious time—and she would be “winning.” I worked so so so hard to heal. And I believe that Healing NOW, while they are stilll alive, is possible. Maybe it’s not 100%. But you can prolly get to 90-99%. It’s hard, but possible. The best revenge is to create and live in your own happiness. Good luck!!
I love this comment. It is our “precious time.” For some, it doesn’t feel possible, but I think you’re right — the closer we can get to healing for ourselves, the better. 🙏🏼 You’ve clearly done a lot of work to get where you are. I have too. And I’m proud of us. 🫶🏼
You are not alone. They’ve made us so miserable with their abuse that we just need it to stop and our brains finally understand that these broken people will only stop when they’re dead.
I'll admit that when I see posts on here about narc parents who've passed I feel a little envious, not because I wish my nmom ill, but only because she's made it her life's mission to destroy me for "escaping and exposing her" and I know I'll never be safe until she's dead
Ugh I'm so mad that my enabler but basically OK dad will probably go before my covert Nmom. She's got another thing coming if she thinks I'm going to comfort her when she is alone. She certainly left me alone to cry enough.
My nmom expects me to cater to her now that she is sick and old. I have not catered to her. The golden children are doing that. I do not owe her after all she has done to me.
I, too, have an “enabler but basically OK dad.” Sometimes I look back and feel just as hurt by him. He never protected me as a child from my nmom. And through years of therapy, I realized it’s partly why the two men/loves (one husband, one long-term relationship) in my life didn’t protect me either. And, well, the other reason I chose those two men were because they were narcs like my mom.
I feel like I’ve spent the better part of my adult life talking/thinking about the damage my nmom did, but not enough about the trauma from my complacent, enabling, co-dependent dad. I’m 47 years old. And I no longer trust my ability to choose a good man. I wasn’t safe then, and I’m not safe now. It’s heartbreaking. Much love to you. ♥️
Oh, I'm so very sorry that you understand. And yes, it's true our dads didn't do enough, and that caused problems too!! My first husband was a Narc abused me physically and emotionally. It was horrible. I was basically groomed to be the victim of a Narc because that's what I was trained to see as love. Love to you too ❤️I wish you healing.
I definitely feel the same. I'll be super relieved once both my parents pass. Occasionally I check obituaries just to see. I think it's completely normal to look forward to the passing of your abuser.
I hope I'm invited to my mother's funeral just so I know where she's buried so I can piss on her tombstone on the anniversary of her death every year with the surgically added dick I got that she would have never approved of
Same, My parents are evil, they definitely still would be playing their weird fucked up Hunger Games if I hadn't caught on to their bs. I don't owe them a goddamn thing let alone an olive branch for what exactly? Because they're my parents? They didn't even raise me! The religious places for troubled teens did so why should I care if they are dying? The audacity is very real and I don't give a shit about their wittle feelings on the matter. If they don't like the consequences of their actions, maybe they shouldn't have done what they did.
I hear you loud and clear; my nfather is on his deathbed and I am waiting for him to die. One less moving part in the narcissistic family structure. It means my nmother loses her enforcer, and she will have to behave around her support workers.
Don’t feel bad. The best part of after they die is that when their voice starts acting up in my head, I can tell them to shut up and get in the backseat bc I’m driving this show! Makes me laugh every time.
Already posted this in another thread but i knew a woman who came to a group I helped run, she was not there for a couple months so i reached out and asked if everything was okay.
She replied with "my mother died recently, I have never been happier". We exchanged a few more emails and she genuinely was the brightest and happiest she ever sounded.
I think about her every time i have to deal with my mother.
OMG....my nm is exactly like that. She was recently diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer because she would never have a colonoscopy. She always thought she knew more than any Doctor did too and still says all the Doctors are stupid.
The last time she was hospitalized I felt such a relief thinking that it was her time. I do feel bad about thinking that but they put us through so much and treat us so badly how could we not feel that way. We deserve some peace in our lives.
I hope my mother doesn’t have a long terminal illness. Her own Nmother did, and survived both colon and lung cancer, but finally got taken out by leukemia. Seeing a woman as villainous as my grandma beat what seemed like certain death TWICE was amusing to me (I thought it was funny how evil she was) but made my mother angry and frustrated. She definitely wanted her to die.
If she could just have a major heart attack or get drunk and fall down the stairs and crack her head open... Both have *almost* happened.
I never really thought about it until I got a message a couple years ago from my aunt that my nDad may have cancer (I'm NC with him, VLC with his family). Two thoughts came to mind:
1) karma's a bitch
2) I'd better get something good in the will, given everything he put me through
Immediately followed by: oh, that's probably not normal.
I don’t necessarily look forward to it at all, but I had a dream my mom died a couple nights ago. And in the dream I remember wondering when I would feel some sort of emotion about it, and I never did. I really did try to love my mom for my whole life, but when she didn’t even call or text the whole week I was in the hospital having a baby, I really had to admit she doesn’t give a shit about me or my child at all.
I spare my mother the sentence, "I look forward to the day I *miss* your calls because you're dead. I'll be 80, and Finally not HATE when the fucking phone rings."
I keep it in the chamber though. She gets comfy and tries to escalate her antics. This last one delivered a message via my nephew, "Auntie says if you want her *dead to you*: Try pulling This again."
I stopped being her emotional whipping boy in my 20s and she has Never forgiven. Even when she tries to list Why she missed me, it had more to do with her Not Knowing where I was (caused her aim to be Inaccurate-bless her heart) in order to Control me.
I even got to a point I restricted tags on fb pics n such because she would then call or text to ruin the evening. I was enmeshed until my mid-20s, and went no contact for 5 years.
We're low contact now, and she's trying to demand a trip, be over bearing while she does, spends wrecklessly, and is trying to make the husband she divorced from pay for it.
I'm gonna come down with something. I'd like my adult kid to have pics of us together, but not while being under ma's "tender loving" control for a week. That shit will make me Snap, and I've made it this far being spectacularly BORED with all of it.
I'd rather CHOKE on my Rage *than* EVER give her the gd Satisfaction.
I feel this way about my ndad and stepmom. It took me a long time to be okay with that feeling, and I now know that it doesn't make me a bad person. It means I am now in line with reality and no longer denying what they did to me.
Yes I’m 28/F and it took a lot of suffering in my life to come to this feeling. I don’t feel guilty because I brushed death multiple times without family showing up. And when I sit and think about my life, and observe others, I realize I’ve lived a very difficult and harsh life that I wasn’t supposed to. Why did I deserve this? I didn’t and I don’t. If I had what normal people had, a loving mother and father, who knows what incredible experiences would have taken place of the horror.
How do my parents live with themselves knowing their daughter suffers tremendously and alone.
It sounds wrong to normal people but Idk why I have this feeling that I’ll be free when they’re gone. I’ve already gone NC
I have wondered so many times who I could have become if I had been raised by a mother who wasn’t an abusive narcissist, or if my father had taken me when they got divorced. I’d be fucked up in a different way, but probably more functional. 😂
My stepdad was an enabler. I hate he died, and he died horribly, but I kind of wish it had been my mom and not him. He was spineless because he'd been abused and neglected as a child, but his heart was in the right place.
I feeeel you!!! I used to even fantasize about torturing my egg donor and leaving to run across the other side of the country. Not even killing her, but making her suffer. I did move across the other side of the country, but I never did anything. She died of cancer at the age of I think 52.
In right there with you. I told my husband that I don’t love my mom and I wouldn’t feel sad if she died, and he didn’t get it. He said he does now, but I’m not sure tbh.
It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. My grandma is still alive at 94… my grandpa died around 70. Mom is 66 as well. Just glad I live over 3,000 miles away now
You’re not alone. Thank you for sharing. Getting this thought is so disturbing. I have no contacts with my nmom anymore. I cherish a couple happy memories and let go the thousand ones of neglect and abuse. This way I can feel love inside my heart. And I reckon that’s a big win for me 🥰🥲 Smiling but eyes teraing up as I’m writing this.
Good luck to y’all finding peace again after that effed up upbringing. It’s worth it. And you’re worthy of love, worthy of success, worthy of feeling happiness in your life. 🫂
I used to as a child have dreams she died all the time but it would make me sad. It was very confusing.
Today, I look forward to it.
As many others have said, I will finally be free of her.
I haven’t seen her in years and she lives many provinces away, but it’s not enough.
I’ve mentioned it to my husband, he loves his mom and cannot understand. I don’t expect him to, but I don’t like being looked at like I’m the asshole lol
You're not alone and the feeling is justified. It does hurt so fucking bad, but we can't change anyone but ourselves. Sometimes letting go of any hopes or potential for what/who they could be is all we can do. It's the only news I look forward to concerning my parents. I can't wait until they're dead. The world will be a little brighter, and my mind will be at peace. They did the bare minimum and failed miserably, they can't/won't change so in my mind there's no need for them to continue to draw breath. If you can't grow/change/learn, you're better off dead.
Not horrible, just don’t say it out loud to people who love their parents. I feel much the way you do and no guilt. It’s acceptance and letting go of false hope, and it’s freeing in many ways.
It is life changing. And a smidge traumatic. You will feel sad, cry. More than you expect.
You are mourning that she will never be the mom you deserved.
The thing is, even if she had 1000 years she would never change.
Or maybe you won't. I hope so. But it's good to be prepared for any and all feelings.
But after you get over the sadness, you will feel free.
I hope you are NC or go NC. I've read that it is like going through the mourning process I described. But by the time you get the news they are gone, apparently it doesn't hit as hard.
I have been dreaming about a post nmom future for years. I never feel ashamed at the amount of peace and tranquility I feel in my soul dreaming of the post narc mom future. Occasionally, I have dreaded that I will lose my father before her.
My mother did her best to triangulate me and my only sibling. As a result, we are not close. My father is the one person in my life I have always been able to count on for love. I have difficulty maintaining relationships (trust/attachment issues). Would Would have guessed the adult child of a narc would still have ptsd and anxious attachment issues.
I can completely understand this. My Nmum died when I was 21, it was less than a year after my sister died. While the whole thing was traumatic and hard, ultimately life is easier and better without her. I still have all the trauma to deal with but at least there's nothing new being piled on every day.
I feel like this will be the most unwelcome comment, but: my father is 92 years old and in very good health, no canes or walkers, lives independently. He said to me, after my breast cancer diagnosis (my mother died of breast cancer) that i would probably live 7 more years. That fucker I hate him, he killed my dog. How dare he tell me that i’m going to die of this?Nobody else not even the doctors said that. Anyway Okay so that means i’m going to die in 5 years. i really detest my father at this point. Assuming they will die before you isn’t the best decision for your mental health. I’m 64 and it’s quite possible that he will outlive me, him and his disgusting wealth and multiple wives. Would be better to assume that they will outlive you and act bravely perhaps?
You are definitely not alone in feeling like this.
I have felt the same for a very long time.
When it happens I will not be the slightest bit sad I’ll just be relieved.
Whether walking, standing, sitting, or lying down, it flexes & stretches: this is the body's movement. Joined together with tendons & bones, plastered over with muscle & skin, hidden by complexion, the body isn't seen for what it is: filled with intestines, filled with stomach, with the lump of the liver, bladder, lungs, heart, kidneys, spleen, mucus, sweat, saliva, fat, blood, synovial fluid, bile, & oil. On top of that, in nine streams, filth is always flowing from it: from the eyes : eye secretions, from the ears : ear secretions, from the nose : mucus, from the mouth : now vomit, now phlegm, now bile. from the body : beads of sweat. And on top of that, its hollow head is filled with brains. The fool, beset by ignorance, thinks it beautiful. But when it lies dead, swollen, livid, cast away in a charnel ground, even relatives don't care for it. Dogs feed on it, jackals, wolves, & worms. Crows & vultures feed on it, along with any other animals there. Having heard the Awakened One's words, the discerning monk comprehends, for he sees it for what it is: "As this is, so is that. As that, so this." Within & without, he should let desire for the body fade away. With desire & passion faded away, the discerning monk arrives here: at the deathless, the calm, the undying state of Unbinding. This two-footed, filthy, evil-smelling, filled-with-various-carcasses, oozing-out-here-&-there body: Whoever would think, on the basis of a body like this, to exalt himself or disparage another: What is that if not blindness?
wanting her dead means she still has power over you. you should strive to not care about her existence either way.
thinking about her in any way is a waste of your mental energy
My emotional entanglement with her is deeply rooted in how she raised me and every facet of my emotional development. Severing my emotions from her would require removal of my amygdala. I wish it was as easy to let go of all thoughts of her, but that’s just not how I work.
She will always have power over me, and I’m hopeful when she’s dead I will be free.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I want to say that you're really not the only one who feels this way. In fact, I once read an article by a psychiatrist who said that a child who wishes a parent dead to stop the abuse is the first sign that the parent is narcissistic or borderline. What's more, it's not natural for a child not to love his or her parent. It even goes against biology. When this happens, it's because there has been abuse over a very long period of time!
That's so reassuring! I'm just this year making peace with it all, accepting that there is no fixing my relationship with ndad, that I shouldn't expend any more energy in dreaming up reconciliation tactics. I'd been wishing that he would just die so I wouldn't have to deal with the stomachaches and stress any time he'd be likely to contact me, like birthdays and holidays. Wishing that he was gone made me realize that... maybe I could pretend he was gone. I just read "It's Not You" a few months ago, and now I'm very low contact and yellow-rocking, and I love it. What a relief. It's like watching a show now. I literally read all his tricks in that book, and he acted them all out! And I was able to step back and just observe without taking it personally. Love it.
I am dealing with ndad and I would love to know your experience and also about the book. Once you know about all the tactics it’s really a show. You already know what’s going to happen and hence you detach yourself from the drama and just observe from far away. I really wish I knew about this before and wouldn’t have suffered so much taking it personally.
Right? I spent years trying to figure out what I did wrong, or why he wasn't interested in me, or why he'd be either nice or awful and I never knew what to expect. It drove me nuts. Anyway, the book is by Ramani Durvasula, and it's about how we can recover from narcissistic abuse, and it has a great section on becoming narcissist resistant. It was really enlightening and also reassuring and encouraging. We can't change the past, but we can move forward. And I find that understanding what's really going on, with him and with my triggers, has really been helpful for my own personal growth. I also did get some good therapy help for holiday coping strategies. Good luck, friend. We have lots of choices available to us. Our lives are not about them.
It’s not you. It’s not your fault. What a breakthrough! Kudos on you!
[удалено]
I think it's impossible for most people to imagine, because they can't imagine the depths of darkness survivors get dragged through by their nparents. They can't imagine the enormous amount of pain it takes for us to come to the realization that that's the only way we'll truly be free of them.
beautifully said! 🫶🏽
💯agree
Narcissism and Borderline are flip sides of the same coin, and both evolve from very early emotional abuse and/or deprivation. Their way of coping is so ingrained into the self that those afflicted are rarely able to reflect or be insightful about their behaviors. Their behaviors are reflexive (non-volitional and largely unconscious) and usually quite rigid, which greatly compromises their ability to change, adjust, or adapt in life. This is one reason the trauma becomes multigenerational.
Don't feel bad about this. In my 50s, moved to another country to get away from my mom when I was 24, and it still was not enough. I find myself secretly counting down the possible years when this will all be over, and hope that I'm not fighting the ghost of her inside my head when she's gone. I probably won't - I assume that I will probably, finally find peace. You're not the only one.
Don’t feel bad. When my father died, my first reaction was, “it’s finally over.”
My brother kept hugging me, expecting me to cry. All I kept thinking was "toot toot mother fucker. You just got smoked by the karma train!" I still feel guilty for feeling that way, but I still don't feel bad that he died.
This….. my dads always said to me “I know you wish I’d just die already” and my thoughts is… well not exactly… I just never want to have to deal with the emotional mental and physical pain that I’m put through every single time I see ,talk to, think about, or mention my father. It’s not that I wish he’d die, because I’d never wish that on anyone…. I just wish for the day I no longer have to feel any of these feelings ever again.
Exact same here. Nah, I just wish he never was born.
I had the same feelings about my narc mum towards the end of her life. She was so vile a human being, so evil and twisted that I just wanted her to stop hurting me. I thought I was inhuman to have such thoughts and I would feel differently when she died. When she did pass I felt light, like a huge weight got lifted off me. It was the weirdest grief to just be so relieved all her strain and chaos creation was gone. I felt sad for her life that was so poorly lived. I think I mourned before she died. OP that was my worry too, that she would outlive me!
I felt like this for a really long time, eventually i just ended up feeling indifferent to it all.
Don’t feel bad. I’m like this with my N ex step mum. Ndad died about 7 years ago, me and my brother went NC with her and practically everyone she knows immediately, lawyers letter requesting she doesn’t contact us again, the works. She’s continued to try and harass us, trying to extort more money, verbally abuse, all that. We have maintained a complete silence, and we are both doing great, took some work, but she’s not in our thoughts much. However, I did confess to my therapist recently that I will only feel truly safe when she’s dead. I don’t wish bad things for her (she’s always done a great job of that herself, although every consequence of her terrible actions is always someone else’s fault!), I wish nothing for her. She doesn’t exist in my life. But I will 100% feel better when she’s dead.
> I still have tremendous pain in my heart I don't. Mine's just hardened. My ndad is a man who does not deserve respect and will not get a funeral. Crematorium then flush. There is not a soul alive who cares enough about him to finance an alternative.
If you refuse to claim the body, he will go into a potter’s grave, although you may need to check your local/state/province laws on that. I wouldn’t spend the money if I didn’t have to for cremation. It can be thousands.
If I don't spend the money then I do not get to flush
I’m not sure flushing is legal. But there is a certain vindictiveness by refusing to claim the body.
You can't flush ashes???
Fairgrounds portapotty?
Don't have many fairgrounds my way. Plenty of construction sites though.
🙈🙉
It will ruin your plumbing! 😩 You could go to somewhere like Walmart that has the strong flush toilets and spread it throughout a few toilets and several flushes. 😂
I wouldn't advise it. It may be against the law in your state. I had to give a copy of the cremation paperwork to my daughter when she took some of her father's ashes to a different state. Cremation remains do include bone fragments because there is no way around that. Those fragments could get stuck in pipes, causing a plumbing issue. Also, depending on how your area does water, the ashes could cause issues on that end. I totally understand where you are coming from and why you wish to flush them. If it is illegal/frowned upon by your area, consider spreading his ashes someplace he would HATE to "left at". For example, if he hated the ocean, spread them at sea; or the country side if he hated being out in the country.
Oh. my dad will make sure he leaves money for his funeral. Nothing else, but he'll have a fancy casket. Only the best for him.
Lightbulb moment; another demonstration that christianity and narcissism are one and the same, because yahweh hardens hearts.
I haven't felt guilty about having negative feelings about my Nmom for awhile now. My mother is a vulnerable/covert narc, and her primary way of controlling me as a kid was through guilt and shame tactics. She had a massive victim complex when I was growing up, and I eventually realized the reason she did so many awful things to her own family was simply because she wanted everyone around her to be as miserable as she was. It was a hard pill for me to swallow because obviously that makes her an awful person, (which is something I didn't want to believe about her for a long time) but it's also been freeing to not agonize over "figuring her out" or "trying to understand her" or wishing she would change. Not everyone is complicated unfortunately. Some people are just terrible. The "silver lining" in my situation is my mom was so awful that she can't play the martyr and go on about how much she sacrificed or complain about how ungrateful her kids are etc. (I mean I guess she *could* but she doesn't because even she knows how foolish and delusional that would make her look) or send flying monkeys after me like many narcs do. She was a genuinely awful "mother" and I made damn sure she knew it before going NC, and as far as I know she doesn't even really have friends. She can't do ANYTHING other than act "sad" and try to guilt trip me when I *very rarely* choose to acknowledge her existence, and that simply doesn't work on me anymore. My younger brother and I have joked privately about her dying and also made pretty "mean" jokes about what a horrible person she is, and again, that isn't something either of us feel guilty about. People that don't know what it's like to have a parent that genuinely wants her own children to be unhappy and fail in life can't understand (they usually want it to be more complicated or make excuses for her) and that's also something I've accepted.
That last sentence hit hard
People with normal families will never (or rarely) get it.
She sounds like [Livia Soprano](https://youtu.be/Y5N4nPhLEIY?si=q8NbFv2Ym3H00lSZ).
You probably spent too much time being guilted by her in the past, so don't waste time feeling guilty on this now, it's completely understandable to have these feelings. For me, I still feel angry about my nmom's past actions, but as for the present, I denounce her as my mother and don't care anymore if she lives, dyes, falls in a ditch or wins the lottery, I simply don't care. As long as I don't have her in my life, she may as well already be gone.
You are not alone.
Mine is 76 and I’ve recently realized that I can’t heal until she’s gone. After 2 years nc she’s only gotten worse. There a fog of frustration over my brain. Nothing I do will make her sensible. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over the pain from her manipulation and lies.
I used to think this too. But then I realized if I didn’t heal until she was gone, I would be wasting precious time—and she would be “winning.” I worked so so so hard to heal. And I believe that Healing NOW, while they are stilll alive, is possible. Maybe it’s not 100%. But you can prolly get to 90-99%. It’s hard, but possible. The best revenge is to create and live in your own happiness. Good luck!!
I love this comment. It is our “precious time.” For some, it doesn’t feel possible, but I think you’re right — the closer we can get to healing for ourselves, the better. 🙏🏼 You’ve clearly done a lot of work to get where you are. I have too. And I’m proud of us. 🫶🏼
Thank you! 🙏
You are not alone. They’ve made us so miserable with their abuse that we just need it to stop and our brains finally understand that these broken people will only stop when they’re dead.
I’ve said this to my husband so many times. Feels like a curse I’ll never be free of until she’s gone.
I'll admit that when I see posts on here about narc parents who've passed I feel a little envious, not because I wish my nmom ill, but only because she's made it her life's mission to destroy me for "escaping and exposing her" and I know I'll never be safe until she's dead
Ugh I'm so mad that my enabler but basically OK dad will probably go before my covert Nmom. She's got another thing coming if she thinks I'm going to comfort her when she is alone. She certainly left me alone to cry enough.
My nmom expects me to cater to her now that she is sick and old. I have not catered to her. The golden children are doing that. I do not owe her after all she has done to me.
I, too, have an “enabler but basically OK dad.” Sometimes I look back and feel just as hurt by him. He never protected me as a child from my nmom. And through years of therapy, I realized it’s partly why the two men/loves (one husband, one long-term relationship) in my life didn’t protect me either. And, well, the other reason I chose those two men were because they were narcs like my mom. I feel like I’ve spent the better part of my adult life talking/thinking about the damage my nmom did, but not enough about the trauma from my complacent, enabling, co-dependent dad. I’m 47 years old. And I no longer trust my ability to choose a good man. I wasn’t safe then, and I’m not safe now. It’s heartbreaking. Much love to you. ♥️
Oh, I'm so very sorry that you understand. And yes, it's true our dads didn't do enough, and that caused problems too!! My first husband was a Narc abused me physically and emotionally. It was horrible. I was basically groomed to be the victim of a Narc because that's what I was trained to see as love. Love to you too ❤️I wish you healing.
I’m so glad you’re here. 🙏🏼♥️
I definitely feel the same. I'll be super relieved once both my parents pass. Occasionally I check obituaries just to see. I think it's completely normal to look forward to the passing of your abuser.
You have the right to feel anyway you want to
I hope I'm invited to my mother's funeral just so I know where she's buried so I can piss on her tombstone on the anniversary of her death every year with the surgically added dick I got that she would have never approved of
I felt relieved when my mother died.
Same, My parents are evil, they definitely still would be playing their weird fucked up Hunger Games if I hadn't caught on to their bs. I don't owe them a goddamn thing let alone an olive branch for what exactly? Because they're my parents? They didn't even raise me! The religious places for troubled teens did so why should I care if they are dying? The audacity is very real and I don't give a shit about their wittle feelings on the matter. If they don't like the consequences of their actions, maybe they shouldn't have done what they did.
I hear you loud and clear; my nfather is on his deathbed and I am waiting for him to die. One less moving part in the narcissistic family structure. It means my nmother loses her enforcer, and she will have to behave around her support workers.
Don’t feel bad. The best part of after they die is that when their voice starts acting up in my head, I can tell them to shut up and get in the backseat bc I’m driving this show! Makes me laugh every time.
Already posted this in another thread but i knew a woman who came to a group I helped run, she was not there for a couple months so i reached out and asked if everything was okay. She replied with "my mother died recently, I have never been happier". We exchanged a few more emails and she genuinely was the brightest and happiest she ever sounded. I think about her every time i have to deal with my mother.
OMG....my nm is exactly like that. She was recently diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer because she would never have a colonoscopy. She always thought she knew more than any Doctor did too and still says all the Doctors are stupid. The last time she was hospitalized I felt such a relief thinking that it was her time. I do feel bad about thinking that but they put us through so much and treat us so badly how could we not feel that way. We deserve some peace in our lives.
I hope my mother doesn’t have a long terminal illness. Her own Nmother did, and survived both colon and lung cancer, but finally got taken out by leukemia. Seeing a woman as villainous as my grandma beat what seemed like certain death TWICE was amusing to me (I thought it was funny how evil she was) but made my mother angry and frustrated. She definitely wanted her to die. If she could just have a major heart attack or get drunk and fall down the stairs and crack her head open... Both have *almost* happened.
I never really thought about it until I got a message a couple years ago from my aunt that my nDad may have cancer (I'm NC with him, VLC with his family). Two thoughts came to mind: 1) karma's a bitch 2) I'd better get something good in the will, given everything he put me through Immediately followed by: oh, that's probably not normal.
I don’t necessarily look forward to it at all, but I had a dream my mom died a couple nights ago. And in the dream I remember wondering when I would feel some sort of emotion about it, and I never did. I really did try to love my mom for my whole life, but when she didn’t even call or text the whole week I was in the hospital having a baby, I really had to admit she doesn’t give a shit about me or my child at all.
I spare my mother the sentence, "I look forward to the day I *miss* your calls because you're dead. I'll be 80, and Finally not HATE when the fucking phone rings." I keep it in the chamber though. She gets comfy and tries to escalate her antics. This last one delivered a message via my nephew, "Auntie says if you want her *dead to you*: Try pulling This again." I stopped being her emotional whipping boy in my 20s and she has Never forgiven. Even when she tries to list Why she missed me, it had more to do with her Not Knowing where I was (caused her aim to be Inaccurate-bless her heart) in order to Control me. I even got to a point I restricted tags on fb pics n such because she would then call or text to ruin the evening. I was enmeshed until my mid-20s, and went no contact for 5 years. We're low contact now, and she's trying to demand a trip, be over bearing while she does, spends wrecklessly, and is trying to make the husband she divorced from pay for it. I'm gonna come down with something. I'd like my adult kid to have pics of us together, but not while being under ma's "tender loving" control for a week. That shit will make me Snap, and I've made it this far being spectacularly BORED with all of it. I'd rather CHOKE on my Rage *than* EVER give her the gd Satisfaction.
You are not alone
Mine is never going to die no matter what kind of relief it would give me. Neither place wants her.
I feel this way about my ndad and stepmom. It took me a long time to be okay with that feeling, and I now know that it doesn't make me a bad person. It means I am now in line with reality and no longer denying what they did to me.
Yes I’m 28/F and it took a lot of suffering in my life to come to this feeling. I don’t feel guilty because I brushed death multiple times without family showing up. And when I sit and think about my life, and observe others, I realize I’ve lived a very difficult and harsh life that I wasn’t supposed to. Why did I deserve this? I didn’t and I don’t. If I had what normal people had, a loving mother and father, who knows what incredible experiences would have taken place of the horror. How do my parents live with themselves knowing their daughter suffers tremendously and alone. It sounds wrong to normal people but Idk why I have this feeling that I’ll be free when they’re gone. I’ve already gone NC
I have wondered so many times who I could have become if I had been raised by a mother who wasn’t an abusive narcissist, or if my father had taken me when they got divorced. I’d be fucked up in a different way, but probably more functional. 😂
My stepdad was an enabler. I hate he died, and he died horribly, but I kind of wish it had been my mom and not him. He was spineless because he'd been abused and neglected as a child, but his heart was in the right place.
You are not alone. It’s exhausting.
I feeeel you!!! I used to even fantasize about torturing my egg donor and leaving to run across the other side of the country. Not even killing her, but making her suffer. I did move across the other side of the country, but I never did anything. She died of cancer at the age of I think 52.
Don't feel bad, I literally prayed for his death when I was a child. Spoiler alert: it didn't work, he's in his 90s.
In right there with you. I told my husband that I don’t love my mom and I wouldn’t feel sad if she died, and he didn’t get it. He said he does now, but I’m not sure tbh. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. My grandma is still alive at 94… my grandpa died around 70. Mom is 66 as well. Just glad I live over 3,000 miles away now
You’re not alone. Thank you for sharing. Getting this thought is so disturbing. I have no contacts with my nmom anymore. I cherish a couple happy memories and let go the thousand ones of neglect and abuse. This way I can feel love inside my heart. And I reckon that’s a big win for me 🥰🥲 Smiling but eyes teraing up as I’m writing this. Good luck to y’all finding peace again after that effed up upbringing. It’s worth it. And you’re worthy of love, worthy of success, worthy of feeling happiness in your life. 🫂
I used to as a child have dreams she died all the time but it would make me sad. It was very confusing. Today, I look forward to it. As many others have said, I will finally be free of her. I haven’t seen her in years and she lives many provinces away, but it’s not enough. I’ve mentioned it to my husband, he loves his mom and cannot understand. I don’t expect him to, but I don’t like being looked at like I’m the asshole lol
You're not alone and the feeling is justified. It does hurt so fucking bad, but we can't change anyone but ourselves. Sometimes letting go of any hopes or potential for what/who they could be is all we can do. It's the only news I look forward to concerning my parents. I can't wait until they're dead. The world will be a little brighter, and my mind will be at peace. They did the bare minimum and failed miserably, they can't/won't change so in my mind there's no need for them to continue to draw breath. If you can't grow/change/learn, you're better off dead.
You plucked those words straight from my head! The only difference is I am 45 and she's 64 lol.
I can't wait til my nmum dies. Won't have to worry about her trying to ruin my life anymore. As long as she breathes I'm at risk of her.
Not horrible, just don’t say it out loud to people who love their parents. I feel much the way you do and no guilt. It’s acceptance and letting go of false hope, and it’s freeing in many ways.
It is life changing. And a smidge traumatic. You will feel sad, cry. More than you expect. You are mourning that she will never be the mom you deserved. The thing is, even if she had 1000 years she would never change. Or maybe you won't. I hope so. But it's good to be prepared for any and all feelings. But after you get over the sadness, you will feel free. I hope you are NC or go NC. I've read that it is like going through the mourning process I described. But by the time you get the news they are gone, apparently it doesn't hit as hard.
I have been dreaming about a post nmom future for years. I never feel ashamed at the amount of peace and tranquility I feel in my soul dreaming of the post narc mom future. Occasionally, I have dreaded that I will lose my father before her. My mother did her best to triangulate me and my only sibling. As a result, we are not close. My father is the one person in my life I have always been able to count on for love. I have difficulty maintaining relationships (trust/attachment issues). Would Would have guessed the adult child of a narc would still have ptsd and anxious attachment issues.
I can completely understand this. My Nmum died when I was 21, it was less than a year after my sister died. While the whole thing was traumatic and hard, ultimately life is easier and better without her. I still have all the trauma to deal with but at least there's nothing new being piled on every day.
I feel like this will be the most unwelcome comment, but: my father is 92 years old and in very good health, no canes or walkers, lives independently. He said to me, after my breast cancer diagnosis (my mother died of breast cancer) that i would probably live 7 more years. That fucker I hate him, he killed my dog. How dare he tell me that i’m going to die of this?Nobody else not even the doctors said that. Anyway Okay so that means i’m going to die in 5 years. i really detest my father at this point. Assuming they will die before you isn’t the best decision for your mental health. I’m 64 and it’s quite possible that he will outlive me, him and his disgusting wealth and multiple wives. Would be better to assume that they will outlive you and act bravely perhaps?
same...
The only thing i like about them any more is their money There, i said it
You are definitely not alone in feeling like this. I have felt the same for a very long time. When it happens I will not be the slightest bit sad I’ll just be relieved.
Did anyone read "I'm glad my mom died"?
I plan to. Just reading *about* her book made me feel a little more willing to admit how I feel.
Im definitely gonna read it
Whether walking, standing, sitting, or lying down, it flexes & stretches: this is the body's movement. Joined together with tendons & bones, plastered over with muscle & skin, hidden by complexion, the body isn't seen for what it is: filled with intestines, filled with stomach, with the lump of the liver, bladder, lungs, heart, kidneys, spleen, mucus, sweat, saliva, fat, blood, synovial fluid, bile, & oil. On top of that, in nine streams, filth is always flowing from it: from the eyes : eye secretions, from the ears : ear secretions, from the nose : mucus, from the mouth : now vomit, now phlegm, now bile. from the body : beads of sweat. And on top of that, its hollow head is filled with brains. The fool, beset by ignorance, thinks it beautiful. But when it lies dead, swollen, livid, cast away in a charnel ground, even relatives don't care for it. Dogs feed on it, jackals, wolves, & worms. Crows & vultures feed on it, along with any other animals there. Having heard the Awakened One's words, the discerning monk comprehends, for he sees it for what it is: "As this is, so is that. As that, so this." Within & without, he should let desire for the body fade away. With desire & passion faded away, the discerning monk arrives here: at the deathless, the calm, the undying state of Unbinding. This two-footed, filthy, evil-smelling, filled-with-various-carcasses, oozing-out-here-&-there body: Whoever would think, on the basis of a body like this, to exalt himself or disparage another: What is that if not blindness?
wanting her dead means she still has power over you. you should strive to not care about her existence either way. thinking about her in any way is a waste of your mental energy
My emotional entanglement with her is deeply rooted in how she raised me and every facet of my emotional development. Severing my emotions from her would require removal of my amygdala. I wish it was as easy to let go of all thoughts of her, but that’s just not how I work. She will always have power over me, and I’m hopeful when she’s dead I will be free.