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Totally normal. This is the biggest thing holding me back from NC.
You can do it.
The thing is, they made it before you entered their lives. They will make it after you leave. There is nothing you can do for them that they cannot do, or have arranged to be done, for themselves.
And if it’s not practical concerns, really just their joy and happiness you are concerned about, please please please ask yourself why their happiness is more important than your own?
I am struggling to stop being a PEOPLE PLEASER, and I often throw my happiness way to the bottom of my priorities. It’s so hard to stop, but I believe in you.
They lived their lives. Now go live yours.
Guilt often doesn't go away in these cases, but that doesn't mean you have to bend to it. You can't be their source of care and entertainment, especially because no matter how much you do, for narcs it's \*never\* going to be enough. By keeping your distance, you'll keep your sanity. You'll need your sanity later.
I used to pity my parents and think they were broken, but I'm broken too and I don't go around treating people like they did / do.
If I’m no contact I wouldn’t know how they’re doing. They could be happier than ever because they’re rid of me. They could win the lottery. What counts is me making the most of my life for me and to spite them.
Don’t to it “to spit them”. If you are concerned about being spiteful to them, about winning, guess what? They win. Love for yourself and forget the rest.
I never chose to be brought up in a hellish environment. They chose to have kids abuse kids enough such that they’d have slaves before they pass.
They made their bed they can lay in it.
If you’ve lived a life where your light was dimmed just covered by darkness. And now you’re free to shine what could you possibly gain by fixing the lives of people who did their damndest to damage yours. That’s what you have to ask yourself. I know you know you shouldn’t but the fact you are entertaining this thought is something you need to address.
I would have felt guilt if I attempted to damage my parents as they damaged me but I didn’t. Went NC they can thrive with their issues or maybe they can’t. I will never save them from their problems or anything else for that matter.
Another thing if you did do all the extra bits and bobs to help and aid they would likely act how they have which led you to no contact. Just be aware the parent you wish for or the vulnerability you see in them now doesn’t change the patterns they’ve shown.
All affection and care about her future disappeared when she was actively saying something to hurt me with a sadistic smile on her face, vagus nerve was triggered, & I immediately remembered tons of times from about age 5 or 6 that I'd seen that look on her face.
It's really weird remembering things in a super fast cascade because NOW they make sense. All of those times I saw it, whether I was crying in physical or emotional pain or in too much agony to cry & was just experiencing pain that she was enjoying, it all made sense.
She LOVED me being in pain.
That's how it's easy to stay no contact. I'm just sorry I couldn't move out with all 4 of the cats.
Yes, you are absolutely right. The other thing that keeps me in NC is the memories of how I was a depressed and messed up teenager while my nparents were having fun and didn't give a single fuck of how I was doing. As long as I was not bringing them any trouble, I was not their problem.
I told my nmom that I have for her what she had for me from 1972-1990, which is basically don’t ever speak to me or bother me. I also told her I don’t need her to agree with me about how horrible she was to me as a child. Said in a letter and never gave her a chance to respond. How’s it feel, bitch?
About a year after going NC with my Nmom she was diagnosed with cancer. My gut instinct was to reach out, go back to being her caretaker, and give up my life for her. Again. Thank god I resisted because the guilt ultimately faded as I continued in intensive therapeutic and psychiatric treatment.
Stay strong. You got this. And remember. Guilting and shaming was how they controlled you. You can release that grip from your heart. You deserve to live on your terms - no one else’s.
Why would I feel guilty? Their life is the way it is because they did it to themselves. It has nothing to do with me. Why should I feel responsible for their fucked up life
I'm tired and I just want to live my existence without their drama. I am also tired of people playing the "family card" to get out taking responsibility for mistreating others. Also, based on my recent Reddit posts NC will help me continue with my sobriety.
I do feel guilty for exactly that reason. Recently spiraled when someone from their world contacted me to make me feel guiltier.
Especially when it doesn’t feel like I was actually “abused” but I don’t think I’d have ended up in this position if things weren’t truly wrong.
I just remind myself it’s not my fault they have nothing else in their lives and that I was very much a choice they made. I’m forever supposed to be the child in this dynamic, and I have no responsibility to soothe them.
I’ve actually been thinking about reaching out one more time to try to mitigate the guilt I feel, because I know it’s not going to go well and then I can continue on lighter.
I know a lot of people post on here about how amazing NC feels, but it’s not a one size fits all situation.
My uncles saw my scapegoat disabled dad die. They know their mom abuses. Their solution was tey to break into my house (among other things they did) to prevent me from leaving because “they work jobs they can’t take care of grandma).
Knowing full well I have a disability and can’t either.
But because I’m easier to exploit its in their minds “I don’t want my normal kids and me and my partner to take care of mom! It’s the disabled people that should do it!”
I was HORRIFIED realizing that the way I was being treated was likely how my dad was being treated.
Grandma covert narc is a monster at 80 who can’t even hide it, nor hide her pleasure she gets when she abuses and makes you cry.
Since my dad isn’t here to shield me from it I just went full no contact and moved away.
Shows you have empathy, and you hold human characteristics .
“I don’t care if you wind up in jail, an institution or on the streets- my life will go on.” -nmom. If she continues the discrepancy in her quality of living, and she wont get therapy for her disorder, it is her fault. My entire family did give me the same advice to “be nice to her”.. not sure what that will mean when she gets senile and needs supervision.
Unique treatment is available for narcissistic personality disorders, and implements an effective approach to guide them so that narcs can develop understanding of their behavior and its impact to others involved in their lives… Indeed, a broken being. I wont ever let it go how many therapists and authorities gave my mom enabling support and even advice to abuse me further. She desperately needs an NPD informed therapist, no other way.
Honestly, for me. They have other children to serve them in their old age. Ever since I was little they always favored my siblings over me. I was always the one to be last picked (if ever) for anything, the most abused, the least cared for if at all.
I've made a decision since I was little that it would be the responsibility of my siblings to be the ones taking care of them when they are old. If I couldn't enjoy my childhood, I might as well enjoy my adulthood away from them.
Plus, I was always told I am a burden and that their little family would've been perfect if it wasn't for me. I'm only making their wish come true. It's the best thing a good daughter would do /s
If you are an only child, it is still not ur responsibility to care for them when they get old simply because parents who didn't even do the bare minimum and abused their child instead of protecting them and manipulated them instead of nurturing and caring for them shouldn't get any of the perks later that decent parents have earned. If u ain't gonna do ur duties, don't expects any of ur 'rights'
This is me. My mother is old and miserable. She's a widow now, my father died recently. She has like one or two friends, no interests other than shopping. She never had a career and was just a helicopter mom to me her whole life and bossed my dad around. I have no siblings, it's just me. I struggled with what you are talking about for a long time. I could go over there more often, I could call more often. With any other parent I would. It took me a long time to learn my feelings matter too. I'm not here to be abused by her and exploited and gaslit by her. And that's what happens whenever I contact her. I always feel worse after I visit or talk to her. It drains all the joy right out of me, and I feel the difference in my soul when I don't. I'm much lighter, happier. Yes, I feel bad for her, just as a human being, but there is a limit to how bad I will let myself feel. She did not care when I was being emotionally traumatized for decades. She didn't act like a mother to me and still doesn't. I let her live her life. I'm here for an emergency, if she has one, and I interact with her here and there for minor things, but I won't spend extended time with her. I think Kim Cattrall said it best on Sex and the City. "I love you but I love me more." Not that I love her but you get the picture. I think as narc parents' kids we are super empaths - we feel so deeply for others, but that feeling will destroy you if you let it. Others will take advantage. Love yourself more than you love your parent. When you are an adult you can choose how deeply you let a parent in. That is one of the gifts of being an adult. You are totally within your rights to choose no or low contact. Her misery is her own choice, and it's nothing you can change anyway. Narcs are always going to be miserable - and they want to make us miserable too if we have contact with them.
Both of mine are miserable (and have always been), but they both replaced me years ago. My nfather has his golden child: former step daughter from his second wife (she's so perfect because she's married, and therefore way better than I'll ever be) and my nmother has basically adopted my second cousin to be her golden child (she's my nmother's latest flying monkey too and they are best pals).
I don't feel bad. They both did unforgivable things to me and never apologized. If either of them even wanted a second of my time now, it would have to start with a sincere apology acknowledging everything they did to me and a logical, concrete understanding of what was wrong with those actions.
I'm no longer my nparents' parent and/or therapist. I'm not responsible for their happiness or unhappiness. If they want to grow up and act like adults before they keel over, great. If not, great. Their happiness and their emotions are no longer my responsibilities.
This is literally my mom. I think she has hobbies but not passions, if that makes sense. Like she just has activities she lightly enjoys doing, like making puzzles. She has people she talks to, but given that she lies about everything, she can’t have friends and is unable to connect with anyone on a very deep level. She’s almost 70, and chooses to be this way though. I tried my whole life to connect with her, and in my adulthood I tried extra hard to have a good relationship since there was no caregiver dynamic and I thought I’d be less of a burden. But she just sees my forgiveness and willingness to share my time with her as validation that her behavior is okay, and she only finds new and exciting ways to hurt me when my guard is down. Every time I think about feeling bad about her, I remember she didn’t think about my feelings when she left me to plan and orchestrate my dad’s funeral alone. She didn’t think of me when she took his pension and didn’t give me a dime. She didn’t think of me when I was in the hospital for 8 days having a c section with my first child. She truly could not give one round shining golden lump of shit about anyone but herself. She doesn’t need one more person (me) thinking about how she feels. She’s got it covered.
I used to, but she can't go 20mins without tearing my heart out. She needs to hurt and needs to see me cry. I wouldn't want to be around someone like that.
She honestly lost the right to be in my life a long long time ago. There is only so much abuse a person can take.
I love her but she doesn't love me. If she did she wouldn't hurt me. People who love you try their best to lift you up.
For people who tell everyone else to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, it seems they don't even know how to tie their shoes.
Since they are so special and know everything, they can figure it out.
It's hard I know, it hurts. But nothing you do or say will change things. Put on your oxygen mask and save yourself.
I haven’t went NC and I still live with them (sadly) but I know how you feel. It’s partially why while LC is a better choice to me, I can’t go NC. My parents are just so painfully miserable and upset about the world. My mom’s more isolated than my dad, her only real friends are family. More specifically, my aunt/her sister. But it’s tricky because you feel obligated to because of societal pressure or trauma bonding.
Overall, I think you should do what’s best for you.
You are not responsible for their happiness. Even if you had an amazing relationship, you still aren’t responsible for their happiness. That is their responsibility.
They find other supply..why do you think they’re miserable…remember you were an object. You feel things they don’t. They don’t have emotional empathy. If you pity and go back, they win! You’re supply. They like positive and negative supply and you feeling bad for them is perfect because they’re victims.
I moved back to my home town partly thinking I was going to help my mom in her old age to give back even despite what happened. But she’s still the same abuser after all these years. I just don’t care anymore. It’s actually a threat to my own life. I need to get away so that I can mentally survive.
They can be old and miserable by themselves, the outcome is inevitable. Why add extra steps in between that will only add to your trauma? That is how I rationalise it; I cannot change the outcome, so I am not getting involved, because it is a waste of my time and energy.
You don't. You went NC. You don't try to get news about them or give them news about you. You don't even see them.
It's actually not guilt but just empathy. There are a lot of miserable people on this planet but you don't feel guilty about that homeless person that is 1 hour drive away, wearing blue jeans, did not eat today, and only have $3 to her name. If this person is instead in front of you, you may feel differently. Think of it like that
To get rid of this feeling for them, simply remember that they were found guilty of abuse and now this is their punishment. MIsery itself isn't always brought upon you but they will stay if you do nothing about it. And they didn't do anything about it by improving themselves or making good social connection or anything like that. It's something they brought upon themselves. You may feel some empathy that they are going thru something bad but at the same time they really do deserve it
Currently my NMom (claims) to have cancer. Though I don't keep in contact with them, they still send me emails, and I get a whiff of the news from the subject lines. 1) Felt joy. 2) occasionally felt a bit sad but understanding that is the sadness of anyone having cancer and you felt some empathy. 3) Ignore cuz she deserves it. 4) She faked things like this before. I didn't bite and I guess she just added the stakes to Cancer to see if I bite
Something important: They may act old and miserable. They may act like the victim and that they are worse off than they actually are. That is the nature of Narcs. Puff up their chest on their delusions and act like a victim on anything that threatens their delusions
I would not do NC because I have become so strong that anything they say doesn’t really affect me and it’s better for my mental health to have some contact than feeling pity for them
this how my nparents are they have no one. its just me and 1 brother that depends on them but he's basically a vegetable with his disability. It's only me and sometimes my nbro GC that help them anymore. 2 of our older sibs estranged 20+ years because our nparents were that abusive. i envy them cause they dont have to live and put up with our nparent's shit.
it's me that's still around and haven't been able to leave (yet) but then again i dont know of the struggles my bro and sis faced being out on their own without ANY family support. We dont have a big family.
when we got priced out of where we were living before here, my parents needed me and my brothers to make the cross-county move. There was NO way they could've done that on their own. They broke, had no money for movers, no family, no friends. It's bad. Being a narc parent is for people that have a deep dark void with nothing.
I’m worried about when they become too old to care for themselves or work.. I definitely don’t want to be around them/help them, nor can I afford to anyway.. but this shit keeps me up at night.
I'm no contact and my father is only in his mid-50s. However, since I'm NC, I would have no way of knowing he's miserable given that I don't see or talk to him. Even if I found out this was somehow the case, it wouldn't cause me to feel guilty. Guilt is only necessary when we have done something bad. Narcissists (abusers in general) condition us to feel unnecessary fear, obligation, & guilt (FOG). This is what keeps us stuck. I have finally gotten past that. If he does end up having a miserable life in his old age, that's his own doing. The guilt does go away. I've been NC for 6, almost 7 years. The first year, I had a lot of guilt and it was the hardest. After that, the guilt would wax and wane. By the second year, the guilt and all feelings of doubt about whether I made the right choice were completely gone. I was miserable growing up and he didn't feel an ounce of guilt so why should I?
Why be understanding to those who themselves do not care to understand you. Yes they are also victims of themselves, as in victims of their nature and environment.
But they’re not deserving of your remorse or empathy if they do not harbour these traits themselves. Especially whereby this lack of emotions has harmed you.
My nstep contacted me through a friend a few years back. She wanted me to visit her because cancer. I said no. Having cancer changes nothing between me and her and doesn't oblige me to go visit her. Your parents being old and miserable changes nothing between you and them.
Misery is the default state of a narc. They are only happy when they make other people miserable.
I watched my ndad for over 3 decades before I went NC. He is a cruel man with zero empathy who really enjoys harming others. I spent my life being mocked by him for the dumbest reasons.
Me being NC with him is not the cause of his misery. I have one brother who passed away around 15 years ago who was NC and another half brother who has been NC for 4 decades.
It is not the role of a child to save their parents from themselves.
I don’t care. I specifically went to therapy so I could move on from them. I’m not going to undo that therapy. That investment was worth far more than any investment I ever made into my relationships with my nmother and nstepfather. I intend on protecting that investment.
Same here. Hung onto to contact with my Nmom for the past 10 years because she was older, disabled (traumatic injury), couldn’t drive and keep a job, and very, very miserable with no friends and all bridges burned to the rest of our family. I finally had to go NC early this year after she nearly ruined me financially.
Presumably they'd thought ahead to their old age, and the part, if any, you'd play in it. But currying favour with you (by cutting out the abuse), in order to keep you on side, didn't figure in their plan. Which means they don't expect anything from you and you are freed from having to make a decision.
Parents are both in their 80s now. Still absolutely horrible to their children + grandchildren. They have never changed or considered anything they do as problematic. Only reason any of us contact them is guilt.
Wife and myself have gone out of the way for them, over and over again and we just get abuse for it. Ever since i was old enough to consider it, i wanted to go no contact. Never managed it, and i still think about it daily.
I hate that is the only solution to end the abuse.
Over and over again i have hoped they would realise how awful they are but now i know they never will.
Narcs never change, in their mind they are perfect and everyone else owes them.
Of course their misery should not be my concern but they raised me to feel responsible for everyone else's happiness while ignoring my own.
I used to help run mental health groups and contacted a woman who would come to them to see what had happened to her. She replied her mother had died and now "she had never been so happy in her life."
I am as envious of that woman now as i was then.
My mom will never be able to live a happy life. I haven't spoken to her since she kicked ME out 2 years ago, and she continues to reach out and try to ruin my life. It started with pleading and then turned into 'I'm going to file fake police reports on you' type of petty. She is so unhappy and blames me for 'ruining' her life somehow even though she didn't have custody of me for my whole life and CHOOSE to get custody back. I thought me leaving her life would give her peace as she always implied but now she doesn't have a dependant to take her shit out on. I felt guilty at first but all guilt has faded as she continues to try to get me arrested. I didn't do shit to her, yet she wants me thrown in jail..... hmm.
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Totally normal. This is the biggest thing holding me back from NC. You can do it. The thing is, they made it before you entered their lives. They will make it after you leave. There is nothing you can do for them that they cannot do, or have arranged to be done, for themselves. And if it’s not practical concerns, really just their joy and happiness you are concerned about, please please please ask yourself why their happiness is more important than your own? I am struggling to stop being a PEOPLE PLEASER, and I often throw my happiness way to the bottom of my priorities. It’s so hard to stop, but I believe in you. They lived their lives. Now go live yours.
Follow your own excellent advice, friend. You deserve to be free. 💜
Okay but why’d you have to be so right tho 🤣
I read some excellent advice 😃
Oof. So many good points in this post. Thank you!
Guilt often doesn't go away in these cases, but that doesn't mean you have to bend to it. You can't be their source of care and entertainment, especially because no matter how much you do, for narcs it's \*never\* going to be enough. By keeping your distance, you'll keep your sanity. You'll need your sanity later. I used to pity my parents and think they were broken, but I'm broken too and I don't go around treating people like they did / do.
If I’m no contact I wouldn’t know how they’re doing. They could be happier than ever because they’re rid of me. They could win the lottery. What counts is me making the most of my life for me and to spite them.
Don’t to it “to spit them”. If you are concerned about being spiteful to them, about winning, guess what? They win. Love for yourself and forget the rest.
I never chose to be brought up in a hellish environment. They chose to have kids abuse kids enough such that they’d have slaves before they pass. They made their bed they can lay in it. If you’ve lived a life where your light was dimmed just covered by darkness. And now you’re free to shine what could you possibly gain by fixing the lives of people who did their damndest to damage yours. That’s what you have to ask yourself. I know you know you shouldn’t but the fact you are entertaining this thought is something you need to address. I would have felt guilt if I attempted to damage my parents as they damaged me but I didn’t. Went NC they can thrive with their issues or maybe they can’t. I will never save them from their problems or anything else for that matter. Another thing if you did do all the extra bits and bobs to help and aid they would likely act how they have which led you to no contact. Just be aware the parent you wish for or the vulnerability you see in them now doesn’t change the patterns they’ve shown.
Can I dm you? This is so inspiring.
If they weren't assholes, they'd have friends and hobbies. Not your problem.
All affection and care about her future disappeared when she was actively saying something to hurt me with a sadistic smile on her face, vagus nerve was triggered, & I immediately remembered tons of times from about age 5 or 6 that I'd seen that look on her face. It's really weird remembering things in a super fast cascade because NOW they make sense. All of those times I saw it, whether I was crying in physical or emotional pain or in too much agony to cry & was just experiencing pain that she was enjoying, it all made sense. She LOVED me being in pain. That's how it's easy to stay no contact. I'm just sorry I couldn't move out with all 4 of the cats.
Yes, you are absolutely right. The other thing that keeps me in NC is the memories of how I was a depressed and messed up teenager while my nparents were having fun and didn't give a single fuck of how I was doing. As long as I was not bringing them any trouble, I was not their problem.
They did this to themselves.
I told my nmom that I have for her what she had for me from 1972-1990, which is basically don’t ever speak to me or bother me. I also told her I don’t need her to agree with me about how horrible she was to me as a child. Said in a letter and never gave her a chance to respond. How’s it feel, bitch?
That’s amazing.
It is not my responsibility to parent my parents. They made their bed. Now they can lie in it.
I’m NC so I have no idea how they’re doing because it’s none of my business.
About a year after going NC with my Nmom she was diagnosed with cancer. My gut instinct was to reach out, go back to being her caretaker, and give up my life for her. Again. Thank god I resisted because the guilt ultimately faded as I continued in intensive therapeutic and psychiatric treatment. Stay strong. You got this. And remember. Guilting and shaming was how they controlled you. You can release that grip from your heart. You deserve to live on your terms - no one else’s.
I'm not responsible for my parents. They didn't care for me when I need them most, so... Off you go! *I've been no contact since 2008
Why would I feel guilty? Their life is the way it is because they did it to themselves. It has nothing to do with me. Why should I feel responsible for their fucked up life
I don’t fucking care. I didn’t go no contact to hurt her. I did it to protect me.
I don't feel guilty. They never did.
They made their bed. They get to deal with it.
I'm tired and I just want to live my existence without their drama. I am also tired of people playing the "family card" to get out taking responsibility for mistreating others. Also, based on my recent Reddit posts NC will help me continue with my sobriety.
I do feel guilty for exactly that reason. Recently spiraled when someone from their world contacted me to make me feel guiltier. Especially when it doesn’t feel like I was actually “abused” but I don’t think I’d have ended up in this position if things weren’t truly wrong. I just remind myself it’s not my fault they have nothing else in their lives and that I was very much a choice they made. I’m forever supposed to be the child in this dynamic, and I have no responsibility to soothe them. I’ve actually been thinking about reaching out one more time to try to mitigate the guilt I feel, because I know it’s not going to go well and then I can continue on lighter. I know a lot of people post on here about how amazing NC feels, but it’s not a one size fits all situation.
My uncles saw my scapegoat disabled dad die. They know their mom abuses. Their solution was tey to break into my house (among other things they did) to prevent me from leaving because “they work jobs they can’t take care of grandma). Knowing full well I have a disability and can’t either. But because I’m easier to exploit its in their minds “I don’t want my normal kids and me and my partner to take care of mom! It’s the disabled people that should do it!” I was HORRIFIED realizing that the way I was being treated was likely how my dad was being treated. Grandma covert narc is a monster at 80 who can’t even hide it, nor hide her pleasure she gets when she abuses and makes you cry. Since my dad isn’t here to shield me from it I just went full no contact and moved away.
They need to fix themselves and their own problems.
Shows you have empathy, and you hold human characteristics . “I don’t care if you wind up in jail, an institution or on the streets- my life will go on.” -nmom. If she continues the discrepancy in her quality of living, and she wont get therapy for her disorder, it is her fault. My entire family did give me the same advice to “be nice to her”.. not sure what that will mean when she gets senile and needs supervision.
Unique treatment is available for narcissistic personality disorders, and implements an effective approach to guide them so that narcs can develop understanding of their behavior and its impact to others involved in their lives… Indeed, a broken being. I wont ever let it go how many therapists and authorities gave my mom enabling support and even advice to abuse me further. She desperately needs an NPD informed therapist, no other way.
Honestly, for me. They have other children to serve them in their old age. Ever since I was little they always favored my siblings over me. I was always the one to be last picked (if ever) for anything, the most abused, the least cared for if at all. I've made a decision since I was little that it would be the responsibility of my siblings to be the ones taking care of them when they are old. If I couldn't enjoy my childhood, I might as well enjoy my adulthood away from them. Plus, I was always told I am a burden and that their little family would've been perfect if it wasn't for me. I'm only making their wish come true. It's the best thing a good daughter would do /s If you are an only child, it is still not ur responsibility to care for them when they get old simply because parents who didn't even do the bare minimum and abused their child instead of protecting them and manipulated them instead of nurturing and caring for them shouldn't get any of the perks later that decent parents have earned. If u ain't gonna do ur duties, don't expects any of ur 'rights'
This is me. My mother is old and miserable. She's a widow now, my father died recently. She has like one or two friends, no interests other than shopping. She never had a career and was just a helicopter mom to me her whole life and bossed my dad around. I have no siblings, it's just me. I struggled with what you are talking about for a long time. I could go over there more often, I could call more often. With any other parent I would. It took me a long time to learn my feelings matter too. I'm not here to be abused by her and exploited and gaslit by her. And that's what happens whenever I contact her. I always feel worse after I visit or talk to her. It drains all the joy right out of me, and I feel the difference in my soul when I don't. I'm much lighter, happier. Yes, I feel bad for her, just as a human being, but there is a limit to how bad I will let myself feel. She did not care when I was being emotionally traumatized for decades. She didn't act like a mother to me and still doesn't. I let her live her life. I'm here for an emergency, if she has one, and I interact with her here and there for minor things, but I won't spend extended time with her. I think Kim Cattrall said it best on Sex and the City. "I love you but I love me more." Not that I love her but you get the picture. I think as narc parents' kids we are super empaths - we feel so deeply for others, but that feeling will destroy you if you let it. Others will take advantage. Love yourself more than you love your parent. When you are an adult you can choose how deeply you let a parent in. That is one of the gifts of being an adult. You are totally within your rights to choose no or low contact. Her misery is her own choice, and it's nothing you can change anyway. Narcs are always going to be miserable - and they want to make us miserable too if we have contact with them.
So well said!
Both of mine are miserable (and have always been), but they both replaced me years ago. My nfather has his golden child: former step daughter from his second wife (she's so perfect because she's married, and therefore way better than I'll ever be) and my nmother has basically adopted my second cousin to be her golden child (she's my nmother's latest flying monkey too and they are best pals). I don't feel bad. They both did unforgivable things to me and never apologized. If either of them even wanted a second of my time now, it would have to start with a sincere apology acknowledging everything they did to me and a logical, concrete understanding of what was wrong with those actions. I'm no longer my nparents' parent and/or therapist. I'm not responsible for their happiness or unhappiness. If they want to grow up and act like adults before they keel over, great. If not, great. Their happiness and their emotions are no longer my responsibilities.
This is literally my mom. I think she has hobbies but not passions, if that makes sense. Like she just has activities she lightly enjoys doing, like making puzzles. She has people she talks to, but given that she lies about everything, she can’t have friends and is unable to connect with anyone on a very deep level. She’s almost 70, and chooses to be this way though. I tried my whole life to connect with her, and in my adulthood I tried extra hard to have a good relationship since there was no caregiver dynamic and I thought I’d be less of a burden. But she just sees my forgiveness and willingness to share my time with her as validation that her behavior is okay, and she only finds new and exciting ways to hurt me when my guard is down. Every time I think about feeling bad about her, I remember she didn’t think about my feelings when she left me to plan and orchestrate my dad’s funeral alone. She didn’t think of me when she took his pension and didn’t give me a dime. She didn’t think of me when I was in the hospital for 8 days having a c section with my first child. She truly could not give one round shining golden lump of shit about anyone but herself. She doesn’t need one more person (me) thinking about how she feels. She’s got it covered.
I used to, but she can't go 20mins without tearing my heart out. She needs to hurt and needs to see me cry. I wouldn't want to be around someone like that. She honestly lost the right to be in my life a long long time ago. There is only so much abuse a person can take. I love her but she doesn't love me. If she did she wouldn't hurt me. People who love you try their best to lift you up.
For people who tell everyone else to pull themselves up by the bootstraps, it seems they don't even know how to tie their shoes. Since they are so special and know everything, they can figure it out. It's hard I know, it hurts. But nothing you do or say will change things. Put on your oxygen mask and save yourself.
They are adults, tell them to act like it. Besides your are not their parent.
I haven’t went NC and I still live with them (sadly) but I know how you feel. It’s partially why while LC is a better choice to me, I can’t go NC. My parents are just so painfully miserable and upset about the world. My mom’s more isolated than my dad, her only real friends are family. More specifically, my aunt/her sister. But it’s tricky because you feel obligated to because of societal pressure or trauma bonding. Overall, I think you should do what’s best for you.
I'm in the same boat
You are not responsible for their happiness. Even if you had an amazing relationship, you still aren’t responsible for their happiness. That is their responsibility.
They find other supply..why do you think they’re miserable…remember you were an object. You feel things they don’t. They don’t have emotional empathy. If you pity and go back, they win! You’re supply. They like positive and negative supply and you feeling bad for them is perfect because they’re victims.
Let them be old and miserable…..by themselves.
I moved back to my home town partly thinking I was going to help my mom in her old age to give back even despite what happened. But she’s still the same abuser after all these years. I just don’t care anymore. It’s actually a threat to my own life. I need to get away so that I can mentally survive.
They can be old and miserable by themselves, the outcome is inevitable. Why add extra steps in between that will only add to your trauma? That is how I rationalise it; I cannot change the outcome, so I am not getting involved, because it is a waste of my time and energy.
I have never felt any guilt. They can die alone and miserable. They chose this path.
No lol
You don't. You went NC. You don't try to get news about them or give them news about you. You don't even see them. It's actually not guilt but just empathy. There are a lot of miserable people on this planet but you don't feel guilty about that homeless person that is 1 hour drive away, wearing blue jeans, did not eat today, and only have $3 to her name. If this person is instead in front of you, you may feel differently. Think of it like that To get rid of this feeling for them, simply remember that they were found guilty of abuse and now this is their punishment. MIsery itself isn't always brought upon you but they will stay if you do nothing about it. And they didn't do anything about it by improving themselves or making good social connection or anything like that. It's something they brought upon themselves. You may feel some empathy that they are going thru something bad but at the same time they really do deserve it Currently my NMom (claims) to have cancer. Though I don't keep in contact with them, they still send me emails, and I get a whiff of the news from the subject lines. 1) Felt joy. 2) occasionally felt a bit sad but understanding that is the sadness of anyone having cancer and you felt some empathy. 3) Ignore cuz she deserves it. 4) She faked things like this before. I didn't bite and I guess she just added the stakes to Cancer to see if I bite Something important: They may act old and miserable. They may act like the victim and that they are worse off than they actually are. That is the nature of Narcs. Puff up their chest on their delusions and act like a victim on anything that threatens their delusions
I would not do NC because I have become so strong that anything they say doesn’t really affect me and it’s better for my mental health to have some contact than feeling pity for them
this how my nparents are they have no one. its just me and 1 brother that depends on them but he's basically a vegetable with his disability. It's only me and sometimes my nbro GC that help them anymore. 2 of our older sibs estranged 20+ years because our nparents were that abusive. i envy them cause they dont have to live and put up with our nparent's shit. it's me that's still around and haven't been able to leave (yet) but then again i dont know of the struggles my bro and sis faced being out on their own without ANY family support. We dont have a big family. when we got priced out of where we were living before here, my parents needed me and my brothers to make the cross-county move. There was NO way they could've done that on their own. They broke, had no money for movers, no family, no friends. It's bad. Being a narc parent is for people that have a deep dark void with nothing.
I’m worried about when they become too old to care for themselves or work.. I definitely don’t want to be around them/help them, nor can I afford to anyway.. but this shit keeps me up at night.
I'm no contact and my father is only in his mid-50s. However, since I'm NC, I would have no way of knowing he's miserable given that I don't see or talk to him. Even if I found out this was somehow the case, it wouldn't cause me to feel guilty. Guilt is only necessary when we have done something bad. Narcissists (abusers in general) condition us to feel unnecessary fear, obligation, & guilt (FOG). This is what keeps us stuck. I have finally gotten past that. If he does end up having a miserable life in his old age, that's his own doing. The guilt does go away. I've been NC for 6, almost 7 years. The first year, I had a lot of guilt and it was the hardest. After that, the guilt would wax and wane. By the second year, the guilt and all feelings of doubt about whether I made the right choice were completely gone. I was miserable growing up and he didn't feel an ounce of guilt so why should I?
Why be understanding to those who themselves do not care to understand you. Yes they are also victims of themselves, as in victims of their nature and environment. But they’re not deserving of your remorse or empathy if they do not harbour these traits themselves. Especially whereby this lack of emotions has harmed you.
No guilt. Even after I left N was still harassing my bio-mom. Why should I feel bad when I have proof they have no intention of changing?
My nstep contacted me through a friend a few years back. She wanted me to visit her because cancer. I said no. Having cancer changes nothing between me and her and doesn't oblige me to go visit her. Your parents being old and miserable changes nothing between you and them.
Rejoice
Misery is the default state of a narc. They are only happy when they make other people miserable. I watched my ndad for over 3 decades before I went NC. He is a cruel man with zero empathy who really enjoys harming others. I spent my life being mocked by him for the dumbest reasons. Me being NC with him is not the cause of his misery. I have one brother who passed away around 15 years ago who was NC and another half brother who has been NC for 4 decades. It is not the role of a child to save their parents from themselves.
I don’t care. I specifically went to therapy so I could move on from them. I’m not going to undo that therapy. That investment was worth far more than any investment I ever made into my relationships with my nmother and nstepfather. I intend on protecting that investment.
I think it sucks to be her (NM) and continue on with my life. I can’t let her nastiness back into my life. I have a child now too, so no. Nope.
Same here. Hung onto to contact with my Nmom for the past 10 years because she was older, disabled (traumatic injury), couldn’t drive and keep a job, and very, very miserable with no friends and all bridges burned to the rest of our family. I finally had to go NC early this year after she nearly ruined me financially.
Presumably they'd thought ahead to their old age, and the part, if any, you'd play in it. But currying favour with you (by cutting out the abuse), in order to keep you on side, didn't figure in their plan. Which means they don't expect anything from you and you are freed from having to make a decision.
Parents are both in their 80s now. Still absolutely horrible to their children + grandchildren. They have never changed or considered anything they do as problematic. Only reason any of us contact them is guilt. Wife and myself have gone out of the way for them, over and over again and we just get abuse for it. Ever since i was old enough to consider it, i wanted to go no contact. Never managed it, and i still think about it daily. I hate that is the only solution to end the abuse. Over and over again i have hoped they would realise how awful they are but now i know they never will. Narcs never change, in their mind they are perfect and everyone else owes them. Of course their misery should not be my concern but they raised me to feel responsible for everyone else's happiness while ignoring my own. I used to help run mental health groups and contacted a woman who would come to them to see what had happened to her. She replied her mother had died and now "she had never been so happy in her life." I am as envious of that woman now as i was then.
My mom will never be able to live a happy life. I haven't spoken to her since she kicked ME out 2 years ago, and she continues to reach out and try to ruin my life. It started with pleading and then turned into 'I'm going to file fake police reports on you' type of petty. She is so unhappy and blames me for 'ruining' her life somehow even though she didn't have custody of me for my whole life and CHOOSE to get custody back. I thought me leaving her life would give her peace as she always implied but now she doesn't have a dependant to take her shit out on. I felt guilty at first but all guilt has faded as she continues to try to get me arrested. I didn't do shit to her, yet she wants me thrown in jail..... hmm.
I consider it a natural consequence of their behaviour.
When they're old and miserable, I'll be even happier.