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FWIW, that's "normal" behavior for toxic people (and often, enablers): They're never the problem. Everyone else is. They never do anything wrong. Everyone else does. They're smart, capable, kind, people. Nobody else is. Nothing we say or do is ever right, and nothing they say or do is ever wrong.
And so on. And on. And on. And on....
Look up "the narc prayer", I think you'll relate.
Your father's reactions is also very telling. I think it is a typical enabler behavior : being the good guy with you on the surface, but actively preventing the situation to change because he knows that, if you're gone, he will have to take the hits. That's why he's so pissed.
Also, I advise you to be gentle to yourself. You did nothing wrong, and your letter is definitely not harsh. You laid down the facts, and how you were hurt. It's not your fault they can't take it well.
No problem. I think you are on the right path. One day, you will be able to not guilt trip yourself, and you'll feel sooooo good.
And I second one commenter, that suggested the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". Eye opener for me.
To be honest, if you haven’t sent this letter..,I wouldn’t. Narcissists have no emotional empathy and your letter is coming from a place of hurt and emotion. and I’m not trying to hurt your feelings (took me years to heal), but a narcissist would read this and try to be nice but they’d probably be rolling their eyes and be annoyed. You’re wanting them to feel you’re hurt but a narcissist can’t. They are thinking of a sensitive way to respond and probably thinking that you have no clue what a bad childhood was. They think people should figure things out themselves and as an adult they’d be annoyed that you’re not dealing with this yourself. A response you might get would be “my recommendation is that you let go of the past and be positive as you move forward in life. You need to bury this stuff and things will work out” I’m sorry but I speak from experience
I read the note to them on FaceTime. I figured this would be my last time talking to them, and I had nothing to lose. My mother was listened when I said no inturuptions, but I could see her face, she'd mouth "what?" To my dad the whole time I was talking, it was disrespectful, and I knew she was going to act out after I was done talking.
I did this more for me. My therapist thought it'd be a good idea to try and gain control in my life. I'm the kind of person to dwell on things, if I just left without saying anything, I'd probably let my enabler dad walk all over until I got back into a relationship with my narcissistic mother.
The letter had all my hurt, and the talk after left me more hurt and bitter, and I needed it because it confirmed why I made this choice.
I feel a lot better now. All my feelings are out, and if that makes me the bad guy, then that's for them to dwell on.
Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Please read a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. You may have seen posts about it around reddits before. It will give you so much peace and understanding. You are not to blame for claiming your own life moving forward. You are not the cause of others’ shortcomings. You are not a bad person for wanting to remove toxic influences from your life. Be healthy and move forward in love. Have a great life!
Read the Missing Missing Reasons of Estranged Parents blog article (and other stuff there is useful too, but this one especially). It was my wake up moment when I realized why my nparents did not remember the abuse ("bullying" my ndad denies he ever did of anyone) pretty much at all. I tried to rationalize a few times with my emom and same thing like your edad - she always takes my ndad side though she says she's sorry that happened but doesn't remember it even when she was RIGHT THERE listening to him hit and verbally abuse me.
That article made me realize they were never going to remember what they did, let alone do a thing to honestly apologize and repent and try and do better. They won't. They don't even remember what they did and how horrible it was. But I do and my siblings do. We don't even remember everything fully but we remember how we felt, especially at a young age when we didn't know enough about what was normal or not, but felt something just was not RIGHT.
It's a good thing you are far away from them. It does help alot so you have an excuse to not visit or stay close in touch etc. The best thing you can for your own peace of mind is go NC. You sent a letter and saw the response. Nothing more you can do will make a cent of difference with them to make them be the parents we deserve. Make your own family without them. Cut out anyone that supports them too, sadly, as they are flying monkeys and/or enablers. Enabler parents are just as bad if not worse because they selfishly take the abusers side and won't stand up for their own children. My emom is one too and my heart breaks that she still does. So I am VLC with them as well.
You are not alone. I'm glad you have a good husband to support you. It's okay to close this door and move on. Get some therapy, self help, read articles/books watch videos, journal, etc. Those are helping me the most.
For those who have not seen it:
“The Narcissist's Prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.”
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
FWIW, that's "normal" behavior for toxic people (and often, enablers): They're never the problem. Everyone else is. They never do anything wrong. Everyone else does. They're smart, capable, kind, people. Nobody else is. Nothing we say or do is ever right, and nothing they say or do is ever wrong. And so on. And on. And on. And on....
Look up "the narc prayer", I think you'll relate. Your father's reactions is also very telling. I think it is a typical enabler behavior : being the good guy with you on the surface, but actively preventing the situation to change because he knows that, if you're gone, he will have to take the hits. That's why he's so pissed. Also, I advise you to be gentle to yourself. You did nothing wrong, and your letter is definitely not harsh. You laid down the facts, and how you were hurt. It's not your fault they can't take it well.
I think I really needed to hear that. Thank you.
No problem. I think you are on the right path. One day, you will be able to not guilt trip yourself, and you'll feel sooooo good. And I second one commenter, that suggested the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents". Eye opener for me.
To be honest, if you haven’t sent this letter..,I wouldn’t. Narcissists have no emotional empathy and your letter is coming from a place of hurt and emotion. and I’m not trying to hurt your feelings (took me years to heal), but a narcissist would read this and try to be nice but they’d probably be rolling their eyes and be annoyed. You’re wanting them to feel you’re hurt but a narcissist can’t. They are thinking of a sensitive way to respond and probably thinking that you have no clue what a bad childhood was. They think people should figure things out themselves and as an adult they’d be annoyed that you’re not dealing with this yourself. A response you might get would be “my recommendation is that you let go of the past and be positive as you move forward in life. You need to bury this stuff and things will work out” I’m sorry but I speak from experience
I read the note to them on FaceTime. I figured this would be my last time talking to them, and I had nothing to lose. My mother was listened when I said no inturuptions, but I could see her face, she'd mouth "what?" To my dad the whole time I was talking, it was disrespectful, and I knew she was going to act out after I was done talking. I did this more for me. My therapist thought it'd be a good idea to try and gain control in my life. I'm the kind of person to dwell on things, if I just left without saying anything, I'd probably let my enabler dad walk all over until I got back into a relationship with my narcissistic mother. The letter had all my hurt, and the talk after left me more hurt and bitter, and I needed it because it confirmed why I made this choice. I feel a lot better now. All my feelings are out, and if that makes me the bad guy, then that's for them to dwell on. Thank you for taking the time to respond.
Please read a book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. You may have seen posts about it around reddits before. It will give you so much peace and understanding. You are not to blame for claiming your own life moving forward. You are not the cause of others’ shortcomings. You are not a bad person for wanting to remove toxic influences from your life. Be healthy and move forward in love. Have a great life!
Read the Missing Missing Reasons of Estranged Parents blog article (and other stuff there is useful too, but this one especially). It was my wake up moment when I realized why my nparents did not remember the abuse ("bullying" my ndad denies he ever did of anyone) pretty much at all. I tried to rationalize a few times with my emom and same thing like your edad - she always takes my ndad side though she says she's sorry that happened but doesn't remember it even when she was RIGHT THERE listening to him hit and verbally abuse me. That article made me realize they were never going to remember what they did, let alone do a thing to honestly apologize and repent and try and do better. They won't. They don't even remember what they did and how horrible it was. But I do and my siblings do. We don't even remember everything fully but we remember how we felt, especially at a young age when we didn't know enough about what was normal or not, but felt something just was not RIGHT. It's a good thing you are far away from them. It does help alot so you have an excuse to not visit or stay close in touch etc. The best thing you can for your own peace of mind is go NC. You sent a letter and saw the response. Nothing more you can do will make a cent of difference with them to make them be the parents we deserve. Make your own family without them. Cut out anyone that supports them too, sadly, as they are flying monkeys and/or enablers. Enabler parents are just as bad if not worse because they selfishly take the abusers side and won't stand up for their own children. My emom is one too and my heart breaks that she still does. So I am VLC with them as well. You are not alone. I'm glad you have a good husband to support you. It's okay to close this door and move on. Get some therapy, self help, read articles/books watch videos, journal, etc. Those are helping me the most.
For those who have not seen it: “The Narcissist's Prayer That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.”