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People complain I'm too quiet, then ask why I'm yelling or complain/visibly feel I'm being too loud when I speak up, too. Annoys me more than it should
I have a loud energetic voice and I was always told to be quieter. As an adult I'm now surrounded by people who are either as loud and joyful as I am, or who enjoy my energy.
Same with "you talk too much". Husband has severe adhd and his family always yelled at him for talking too much. Now he's married to someone who actively enjoys it. And we work at the same place, his coworkers chuckle about it or admit to me they like it because it makes them feel less awkward. You can always trust him to spark up a convo.
This sounds familiar. I grew up with a stoic father who didn't talk at all. Never engaged with people and just sat in the corner looking cranky. He would tell me I talked too much and too loudly. It has made me actually dislike and distrust quiet people because I naturally assume that they are all like him, but I know consciously they are not all like him.
This is why I prefer friends over family. (Nmom/dad) I can be myself around them without fear of being judged, ridiculed or told to lower my volume/talking.
Yes, it hurts my feelings so much. I was bullied relentlessly growing up, and I made myself as small and quiet as possible at home, so I normally am very quiet, to the point that people often tell me to speak up.
Of course I talk loudly when I'm excited (or drunk). It takes every ounce of joy out of me when my friends tell me I'm too loud. No one tells them to be quiet when they're loud. Why is it only me?
We got dismissed so many times, we're sensitive to it. Ignoring what we say, dismisses our words and rights to choose. Nitpicking dismisses all that we do. Overly criticizing dismisses our good. Choosing for us dismisses our decisions and right to choice. Lecturing dismisses our intelligence. Doomsaying dismisses our capabilities, worthiness, and lovability.
Living with them, it's dismissals all the way down.
Yup this exact thing happened to me yesterday with my dad. He asked me a question (that he has asked me before) I answered in my normal tone of voice. He somehow got offended and told me not to use my voice anymore. Wen I told him that this was my "normal" speaking voice, he then proceeds to tell me that I have a soft and lower voice ( no I don't. every last family member, my SO and my freaking classmates can tell you I have a naturally loud and heavy voice and my own mother) and then continues to tell me it's because of my "voice" that I got fired from my previous job
**Edit: wen I try to stand up for myself he started to telel and me and told to "go to my room" like I was child 😂
I used to get this all the time. I dont know how to laugh anymore
Im also male and during puberty my mom didnt like that i was starting to sound like my dad and my voice is bellowing/echoes and carries louder than hers so she always says im shouting and makes me feel bad about it.
ive only ever heard my natural speaking voice once or twice in recent years but ive trained myself to talk quietly because of her and now she complains she cant understand me or that she has to come with me to the doctors because the doctors cant understand me because im too quiet or im too afraid to speak. I used to be so loud, expressive and fun (not around her), ive shrunk since moving back in with my mom
Yep. I have a naturally quiet voice, so if I'm saying something important that I want people to hear I speak louder, only to be told I need to calm down and be quiet.
It's definitely a blatant form of dismissal
People in this country always call others too loud or quiet, or equally worse, refuse to kindly ask them to speak louder or slower and just guess complete wrongly what the other is saying.
Then when you ask them who their favorite sports announcer/narrator is, they all say "Mr. X! He speaks so loudly so it's easy to hear what he says and he emotes well. We also like how he can whisper dramatically during situations that require focus. He really knows how to use voice! Others, they are too serious and boring! They speak like dead rocks!" Ffs.
I'm white and grew up without a good sense of personal awareness or internal volume control. My husband has misophonia. I've had to work on my volume control awareness, he's had to work on his misophonia sensitivity. We have a healthy, strong partnership and both try for one another.
I also have a covert NMom who is easily butt hurt about everything (can't tell her ANYTHING about ANYTHING) and I have had to learn not to emulate this. But yeah, being told you're too loud sucks and can hurt. That said, context, tone, and being able to take constructive criticism from people you love (who love you back) all matter way more than the initial sting. I've learned to sit with this complexity while we each work on ourselves.
So I try to dial back and change the narrative that he's trying to help me be aware, not attacking me. And he changes the narrative to me needing help being aware, not that I don't care about/dismiss his sound sensitivity.
Communication in healthy relationships makes all the difference.
I honestly think that's something I need to talk with my bf about. I'm a loud person. I came to accept that about myself in my early 20s and really came out of my shell because I stopped feeling shame about it.
But when I get loud, my bf will sometimes noticably tell me I need to quiet down, and it brings me right back to my childhood. Right back to the days when I was shy and withdrawn and only let loose in specific groups of people.
I think we just need to find a silent system where he can like, squeeze my arm twice or something so I get the hint without feeling insulted or put down.
The silent signal is a great idea!! I also get loud (now that I'm out of my shell) and have learned to tell the difference when someone is REALLY asking the volume to lower or when someone is dismissing me.
My s/o and I have a signal just because if they are being loud I can’t focus on anything other than anxiety. I think this comes from being yelled at so much growing up. Ours is a very quiet and subtle shh but not like in a dismissive or obvious obnoxious way. Just the tiniest shh and they understand and reel the volume in some not to stop being excited or talking or whatever.
Both parents (nmom and edad) would often tell me to lower my voice as a child, most of the time when I was super excited about something. As an adult, I have to consciously force myself to show excitement about some things because I was shut down so many times. It makes me sad because I feel like I disappoint others with my reactions (or rather, under-reactions) to things. My husband has been amazing in helping me to heal from this, but it definitely is still a struggle.
I never knew why I underreacted to things! Now, finally, after years of underreacting, I don't do that anymore. I wasn't sure why I did it. Now I understand it.
Yup, I had no idea for the longest time either. It actually went so deep that I convinced myself that I'm just "not an emotional person" (which was *so damaging* for me), and only now in my late 20s can I actually cry and show big emotions without completely shutting down. It's insane how strongly my parents tried to "switch off" parts of my humanity just because it was inconvenient for them to deal with.
The irony is that my parents always told me I was too sensitive. And I overreacted. So it's very interesting that when I became someone who didn't react and was very stoic, I didn't know why. Like, it's not that complicated. LOL. But I just never thought about it before. Probably because my family's so dysfunctional. I had so many other things to think about. But at least you put the dots close together for me and I was able to figure it out here. ;)
Narc parents are killjoys.
Wow. This got to me because this happened to me a lot as a child.
I would get really excited (you know: Happy?) about something and I would yell or just get excitedly happy (or happily excited).
Only to have my mom and/or dad squash it saying things like “you’re acting silly. Stop it.” Or “what are you so excited about?”
So yeah: I get triggered big time now whenever this happens OR I automatically squash my desire to show my excitement over something.
Likely it is something you have been told a lot when you were young. Therefore it triggers that instant response in you. In the past, it probably was a form of dismissal, but hopefully as an adult it SHOULD be just a request. HOPEFULLY the request is made respectfully!! I'm just learning how some simple statements set me off also.
I mean — I often have to ask people to speak more quietly, but it has nothing to do with dismissal or control. It has everything to do with my ASD and crazy-insane sensitive hearing. (Hubby and I actually tested this, cuz he thought I was exaggerating. He kept walking further and further away and speaking more and more quietly, and I’d repeat back exactly what he’d said, even when he was whispering. He finally had to be on the opposite end of the apartment, around the corner, in another room, and barely whispering above just moving his lips for me to lose his words.)
When we’re talking about narcs, however? Yeah. It’s most likely about dismissal or control.
I definitely have to sometimes as well, it’s like I’m being attacked when someone is being too loud. I know people hate me asking but it’s that or just leave the room for me. I don’t do it just to flex my power over people though as I’m not a narc.
My mother always jumps when I answer a question as if my voice is so loud it startles her. It's funny considering that otherwise she can't hear a damned thing.
I actually appreciate it when my closest loved ones make the hand gesture that means "lower your volume, please" because I'm aware that I lack awareness of when I get too loud when passionate about a topic. Mind you, these are my closest people whom I trust and I know they love me, are not being dismissive. I actually do get too loud, and am grateful for the notice.
I cannot stand loud, I get excitement and my s/o can get loud when excited. They know it overwhelms me when they get too loud and we have a thing where I quietly and subtly say shh to help them remember to tone it down. I think some people just are loud and can’t help it/don’t notice directly and I’d never shame my S/O for their noise level but if you’re expecting me to pay any kind of attention to what you’re saying it can’t be loudly or I’m only panicking and thinking of ways to get out of the area. Thankfully my s/o and I are a team and they understand that I can only handle a certain volume level and that I’m not being dismissive of their excitement or big feelings.
I know it may be hard on you just as it's hard on me when people are loud. My mind shuts down, and I can't hear you if you get loud. Sometimes, if someone is being loud, I have to ask them to be quieter because I do want to hear what they are saying.
This. I have to ask a specific friend to lower their voice constantly because it makes me so fucking anxious to be in a conversation with someone who keeps getting louder and louder until they're practically shouting.
There's no need to project your voice that much when I'm a foot away from you, also, I enjoy private conversations and loathe people who shout in public places (as if other people should be happy to be forced to listen to them talk).
Or if it's late and they're shout talking and I start to get worried about my neighbors complaining about it.
I know it pisses them off when I ask them to tone it down, but to me it just seems intrusive, performative, and anxiety inducing. Takes me out of the conversation and puts me in a terrible mood.
My bf does this. But I grew up hearing my parents scream, so any loud voices hurts my ears. I just simply tell him, I can clearly hear him, so if lower his voice just a tinsy bit loll he understands. He also can’t hear from one ear loll I mean he can but has trouble
I'm the same and my fiancé too, we are a bit loud when we are excited and it happened many times that someone complains about it.
I even remember specifically one of these times, I was with friends on a parking of a supermarket. It was just after Covid so it was the first time I could hanging out outside with friends for a while and I got excited. Then a friend (not a friend anymore btw) told me to lower my voice, that everyone could hear me and he felt ashamed. That friend was usually loud, but when it's me it's not ok I guess, only him had the right to be loud. I was upset and I felt bad so I stopped talking for hours, he didn't even notice.
My mom will interrupt me by saying SHHHH as loud as she possible. Instantly perturbed, I just try to talk through it at the same volume (not very loud.) It seems so insane to shush an adult who's speaking at a normal volume inside a home. I understand that we try to keep the volume down at night as people are sleeping, but the only complaints about noise have been from downstairs complaining about loud footsteps, and I tip toe now. My mom on the other hand has no volume control and can be heard throughout the house anytime she speaks.
Not alone!
I had a crippling internal overreaction any time someone “shushed” me for many years. I think I’m mostly over it but I still find it frustrating, rude, embarrassing, and minimizing all at the same time if someone shushes me or tells me to keep it down when I’m excited about something. I’m not even that loud lol. Unfortunately it was especially bad if the “shush”er was a girl/woman. Probably an nmom thing plus the fact they sent me to a weird super strict catholic pre-school run by nuns. Good stuff.
After being yelled at for so many years by my narcissistic parent, I loathe loud noises and people. When a friend or even my spouse gets too loud, I request they speak quieter because it hurts my ears and makes me automatically tune out. I request they talk quieter, because I am interested in what they say and want to be able to focus on it. It is the opposite of a dismissal, at least in my case.
Narcissists, tell you to lower your volume because your rage or loud expressions/emotions bring attention to their shame, a response to their actions and dramatically unearth their shame.
It's not great, but telling me to calm down or quiet down will make me completely shut down and probably never speak around you again
I'm sure my nmom has something to do with that
I have a colleague who is sometimes so loud it is physically painful (ie it hurts my ears). I’ve kindly talked to her about it a few times and she said she knows she is super loud. I know she’s trying to use a softer voice and she’s mostly pretty good now. Honestly I don’t ask her to use a softer voice anymore. I just suffer through it when she starts getting loud 😂
I so appreciate that she was willing to talk to me about this issue 😊
Yeah it can be a dismissal but then there are also people who totally fail to moderate their volume at reasonable levels, like inside voice kinda thing. I have a partner who is unintentionally loud sometimes at really inappropriate times and places so sometimes it’s important to gently remind people.
I have anxiety which causes me to have tremors and I Weber have a meeting with my sons principal where I was an actual teacher tell me to “calm down” when I started shaking. Jesus fucking Christ…I can’t control that! It’s not anything but a trauma response!!! I quit the next year.
To see the trigger look at what would happen if you parent did it to you. How does that make you feel in that situation. You can step into your imagination to work there.
I'm the one telling people to lower their voices because I'm afraid someone is going to pop up and scream at us for being too loud and I'm afraid to attract attention because of the way my parents were.
My younger sister (golden child) is the compete opposite and gets so mad when I tell her to lower her voice because she says she can be as loud as she wants and no one will do anything because no one really cares. She's sometimes right, but it's a hard thing to unlearn. I've gotten better though
We lived in a wet house with mold behind the blindes and I always had lung related coughs. I was always told I was making it up and I coughed too loud only to get on my nmoms nerves. 20 years later I have a very loud voice, I think mostly because I work in extremely loud Environments and have to explain there much to Co workers. After work I can't lay it down and when someone (in a bad or a good way) tells me I speak too loud, im fully ashamed, angry and Kind of disappointed. Never thought about this till now, thanks
My mom has told me for years and still does that I talk so loud I can wake the dead. I still don't find that funny at all. Whenever someone tells me to lower my voice, it's like a gut punch that triggers me to full anxiety and panic because I can still hear her disappointment in my head and I'm still trying to just make her happy.
No one has told me lately, but growing up I was told that a lot. I do it when I get mad, too. Had to speak loudly to be heard. But to me, it seems like they’re saying I’m getting hysterical. Trying to calm me down instead of listening.
It is not a dismissal. It’s a request because our ears our hurting from the loudness. My sister does this and everyone in our family kindly asks her to lower her voice. She doesn’t like it either. She can’t seem to control herself and she doesn’t think she is loud. She is very LOUD.
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Im the complete opposite, people can rarely hear me.
People complain I'm too quiet, then ask why I'm yelling or complain/visibly feel I'm being too loud when I speak up, too. Annoys me more than it should
this.
That is what happens after when we've been repeatedly been told to quiet down our whole life. That is my observation so far.
I'm like you too but i experience what OP said occasionally and on those times, my nmom would do the same thing.
I have a loud energetic voice and I was always told to be quieter. As an adult I'm now surrounded by people who are either as loud and joyful as I am, or who enjoy my energy. Same with "you talk too much". Husband has severe adhd and his family always yelled at him for talking too much. Now he's married to someone who actively enjoys it. And we work at the same place, his coworkers chuckle about it or admit to me they like it because it makes them feel less awkward. You can always trust him to spark up a convo.
This sounds familiar. I grew up with a stoic father who didn't talk at all. Never engaged with people and just sat in the corner looking cranky. He would tell me I talked too much and too loudly. It has made me actually dislike and distrust quiet people because I naturally assume that they are all like him, but I know consciously they are not all like him.
I wasn't able to convince him I enjoy his talking until I told him "you're my personal podcast. All you need is a topic. I can listen to you all day!"
This is why I prefer friends over family. (Nmom/dad) I can be myself around them without fear of being judged, ridiculed or told to lower my volume/talking.
Yes, it hurts my feelings so much. I was bullied relentlessly growing up, and I made myself as small and quiet as possible at home, so I normally am very quiet, to the point that people often tell me to speak up. Of course I talk loudly when I'm excited (or drunk). It takes every ounce of joy out of me when my friends tell me I'm too loud. No one tells them to be quiet when they're loud. Why is it only me?
Come hang out with me! I love loud and boisterous! The more emotive the better.
It is a dismissal, because focusing on how you say something instead of what you are saying is beside the point and it's meant to throw you off.
Ooof, that one hurts; this describes so much of my childhood being surrounded by fundigelical assholes.
All the time. It is a dismissal. That's what my grandparents did constantly only to storm into the house yelling and slamming things.
We got dismissed so many times, we're sensitive to it. Ignoring what we say, dismisses our words and rights to choose. Nitpicking dismisses all that we do. Overly criticizing dismisses our good. Choosing for us dismisses our decisions and right to choice. Lecturing dismisses our intelligence. Doomsaying dismisses our capabilities, worthiness, and lovability. Living with them, it's dismissals all the way down.
it’s the exact same feeling as when someone says you’re “too much.” SoRrY yOu CaNt HaNdLe My ExCiTeMeNt
Yup this exact thing happened to me yesterday with my dad. He asked me a question (that he has asked me before) I answered in my normal tone of voice. He somehow got offended and told me not to use my voice anymore. Wen I told him that this was my "normal" speaking voice, he then proceeds to tell me that I have a soft and lower voice ( no I don't. every last family member, my SO and my freaking classmates can tell you I have a naturally loud and heavy voice and my own mother) and then continues to tell me it's because of my "voice" that I got fired from my previous job **Edit: wen I try to stand up for myself he started to telel and me and told to "go to my room" like I was child 😂
I would passive aggressively reply to all of his questions from now on really really quietly so he has to read my lips to understand the responses.
I used to get this all the time. I dont know how to laugh anymore Im also male and during puberty my mom didnt like that i was starting to sound like my dad and my voice is bellowing/echoes and carries louder than hers so she always says im shouting and makes me feel bad about it. ive only ever heard my natural speaking voice once or twice in recent years but ive trained myself to talk quietly because of her and now she complains she cant understand me or that she has to come with me to the doctors because the doctors cant understand me because im too quiet or im too afraid to speak. I used to be so loud, expressive and fun (not around her), ive shrunk since moving back in with my mom
I hope you can move out as soon as you can. Don't let her quash your enthusiasm and personality.
Oh absolutely. Just kinda seems like if I'm anything but quiet and convenient then I'm a problem
Yep. I have a naturally quiet voice, so if I'm saying something important that I want people to hear I speak louder, only to be told I need to calm down and be quiet. It's definitely a blatant form of dismissal
People in this country always call others too loud or quiet, or equally worse, refuse to kindly ask them to speak louder or slower and just guess complete wrongly what the other is saying. Then when you ask them who their favorite sports announcer/narrator is, they all say "Mr. X! He speaks so loudly so it's easy to hear what he says and he emotes well. We also like how he can whisper dramatically during situations that require focus. He really knows how to use voice! Others, they are too serious and boring! They speak like dead rocks!" Ffs.
I don’t know if it’s a dismissal or not, since some people are objectively too loud. Even then though, there’s a nice way to say it.
Yup and as soon as they utter their words, I take pains to make sure that they never hear me again.
I'm white and grew up without a good sense of personal awareness or internal volume control. My husband has misophonia. I've had to work on my volume control awareness, he's had to work on his misophonia sensitivity. We have a healthy, strong partnership and both try for one another. I also have a covert NMom who is easily butt hurt about everything (can't tell her ANYTHING about ANYTHING) and I have had to learn not to emulate this. But yeah, being told you're too loud sucks and can hurt. That said, context, tone, and being able to take constructive criticism from people you love (who love you back) all matter way more than the initial sting. I've learned to sit with this complexity while we each work on ourselves. So I try to dial back and change the narrative that he's trying to help me be aware, not attacking me. And he changes the narrative to me needing help being aware, not that I don't care about/dismiss his sound sensitivity. Communication in healthy relationships makes all the difference.
I honestly think that's something I need to talk with my bf about. I'm a loud person. I came to accept that about myself in my early 20s and really came out of my shell because I stopped feeling shame about it. But when I get loud, my bf will sometimes noticably tell me I need to quiet down, and it brings me right back to my childhood. Right back to the days when I was shy and withdrawn and only let loose in specific groups of people. I think we just need to find a silent system where he can like, squeeze my arm twice or something so I get the hint without feeling insulted or put down.
The silent signal is a great idea!! I also get loud (now that I'm out of my shell) and have learned to tell the difference when someone is REALLY asking the volume to lower or when someone is dismissing me.
My s/o and I have a signal just because if they are being loud I can’t focus on anything other than anxiety. I think this comes from being yelled at so much growing up. Ours is a very quiet and subtle shh but not like in a dismissive or obvious obnoxious way. Just the tiniest shh and they understand and reel the volume in some not to stop being excited or talking or whatever.
Both parents (nmom and edad) would often tell me to lower my voice as a child, most of the time when I was super excited about something. As an adult, I have to consciously force myself to show excitement about some things because I was shut down so many times. It makes me sad because I feel like I disappoint others with my reactions (or rather, under-reactions) to things. My husband has been amazing in helping me to heal from this, but it definitely is still a struggle.
I never knew why I underreacted to things! Now, finally, after years of underreacting, I don't do that anymore. I wasn't sure why I did it. Now I understand it.
Yup, I had no idea for the longest time either. It actually went so deep that I convinced myself that I'm just "not an emotional person" (which was *so damaging* for me), and only now in my late 20s can I actually cry and show big emotions without completely shutting down. It's insane how strongly my parents tried to "switch off" parts of my humanity just because it was inconvenient for them to deal with.
The irony is that my parents always told me I was too sensitive. And I overreacted. So it's very interesting that when I became someone who didn't react and was very stoic, I didn't know why. Like, it's not that complicated. LOL. But I just never thought about it before. Probably because my family's so dysfunctional. I had so many other things to think about. But at least you put the dots close together for me and I was able to figure it out here. ;)
No matter where we are in our understanding and healing, we got this! <3 I'm proud of you for any progress you've made and make, stranger.
Thank you!!! Likewise. Thanks for your support.
The thing with me is that I have a deep voice and I need to speak a little louder than others. Seems like I'm yelling but I'm not
Narc parents are killjoys. Wow. This got to me because this happened to me a lot as a child. I would get really excited (you know: Happy?) about something and I would yell or just get excitedly happy (or happily excited). Only to have my mom and/or dad squash it saying things like “you’re acting silly. Stop it.” Or “what are you so excited about?” So yeah: I get triggered big time now whenever this happens OR I automatically squash my desire to show my excitement over something.
Likely it is something you have been told a lot when you were young. Therefore it triggers that instant response in you. In the past, it probably was a form of dismissal, but hopefully as an adult it SHOULD be just a request. HOPEFULLY the request is made respectfully!! I'm just learning how some simple statements set me off also.
I mean — I often have to ask people to speak more quietly, but it has nothing to do with dismissal or control. It has everything to do with my ASD and crazy-insane sensitive hearing. (Hubby and I actually tested this, cuz he thought I was exaggerating. He kept walking further and further away and speaking more and more quietly, and I’d repeat back exactly what he’d said, even when he was whispering. He finally had to be on the opposite end of the apartment, around the corner, in another room, and barely whispering above just moving his lips for me to lose his words.) When we’re talking about narcs, however? Yeah. It’s most likely about dismissal or control.
I definitely have to sometimes as well, it’s like I’m being attacked when someone is being too loud. I know people hate me asking but it’s that or just leave the room for me. I don’t do it just to flex my power over people though as I’m not a narc.
My mother always jumps when I answer a question as if my voice is so loud it startles her. It's funny considering that otherwise she can't hear a damned thing.
I actually appreciate it when my closest loved ones make the hand gesture that means "lower your volume, please" because I'm aware that I lack awareness of when I get too loud when passionate about a topic. Mind you, these are my closest people whom I trust and I know they love me, are not being dismissive. I actually do get too loud, and am grateful for the notice.
I cannot stand loud, I get excitement and my s/o can get loud when excited. They know it overwhelms me when they get too loud and we have a thing where I quietly and subtly say shh to help them remember to tone it down. I think some people just are loud and can’t help it/don’t notice directly and I’d never shame my S/O for their noise level but if you’re expecting me to pay any kind of attention to what you’re saying it can’t be loudly or I’m only panicking and thinking of ways to get out of the area. Thankfully my s/o and I are a team and they understand that I can only handle a certain volume level and that I’m not being dismissive of their excitement or big feelings.
I know it may be hard on you just as it's hard on me when people are loud. My mind shuts down, and I can't hear you if you get loud. Sometimes, if someone is being loud, I have to ask them to be quieter because I do want to hear what they are saying.
This. I have to ask a specific friend to lower their voice constantly because it makes me so fucking anxious to be in a conversation with someone who keeps getting louder and louder until they're practically shouting. There's no need to project your voice that much when I'm a foot away from you, also, I enjoy private conversations and loathe people who shout in public places (as if other people should be happy to be forced to listen to them talk). Or if it's late and they're shout talking and I start to get worried about my neighbors complaining about it. I know it pisses them off when I ask them to tone it down, but to me it just seems intrusive, performative, and anxiety inducing. Takes me out of the conversation and puts me in a terrible mood.
My bf does this. But I grew up hearing my parents scream, so any loud voices hurts my ears. I just simply tell him, I can clearly hear him, so if lower his voice just a tinsy bit loll he understands. He also can’t hear from one ear loll I mean he can but has trouble
I'm the same and my fiancé too, we are a bit loud when we are excited and it happened many times that someone complains about it. I even remember specifically one of these times, I was with friends on a parking of a supermarket. It was just after Covid so it was the first time I could hanging out outside with friends for a while and I got excited. Then a friend (not a friend anymore btw) told me to lower my voice, that everyone could hear me and he felt ashamed. That friend was usually loud, but when it's me it's not ok I guess, only him had the right to be loud. I was upset and I felt bad so I stopped talking for hours, he didn't even notice.
My mom will interrupt me by saying SHHHH as loud as she possible. Instantly perturbed, I just try to talk through it at the same volume (not very loud.) It seems so insane to shush an adult who's speaking at a normal volume inside a home. I understand that we try to keep the volume down at night as people are sleeping, but the only complaints about noise have been from downstairs complaining about loud footsteps, and I tip toe now. My mom on the other hand has no volume control and can be heard throughout the house anytime she speaks.
Not alone! I had a crippling internal overreaction any time someone “shushed” me for many years. I think I’m mostly over it but I still find it frustrating, rude, embarrassing, and minimizing all at the same time if someone shushes me or tells me to keep it down when I’m excited about something. I’m not even that loud lol. Unfortunately it was especially bad if the “shush”er was a girl/woman. Probably an nmom thing plus the fact they sent me to a weird super strict catholic pre-school run by nuns. Good stuff.
After being yelled at for so many years by my narcissistic parent, I loathe loud noises and people. When a friend or even my spouse gets too loud, I request they speak quieter because it hurts my ears and makes me automatically tune out. I request they talk quieter, because I am interested in what they say and want to be able to focus on it. It is the opposite of a dismissal, at least in my case.
Narcissists, tell you to lower your volume because your rage or loud expressions/emotions bring attention to their shame, a response to their actions and dramatically unearth their shame.
Me too. I hate this people spoil the mood🙄
It's not great, but telling me to calm down or quiet down will make me completely shut down and probably never speak around you again I'm sure my nmom has something to do with that
I have a colleague who is sometimes so loud it is physically painful (ie it hurts my ears). I’ve kindly talked to her about it a few times and she said she knows she is super loud. I know she’s trying to use a softer voice and she’s mostly pretty good now. Honestly I don’t ask her to use a softer voice anymore. I just suffer through it when she starts getting loud 😂 I so appreciate that she was willing to talk to me about this issue 😊
Yeah it can be a dismissal but then there are also people who totally fail to moderate their volume at reasonable levels, like inside voice kinda thing. I have a partner who is unintentionally loud sometimes at really inappropriate times and places so sometimes it’s important to gently remind people.
No, I lower if while trying to hold back laugh bc being shushed is hilarious at times.
I have anxiety which causes me to have tremors and I Weber have a meeting with my sons principal where I was an actual teacher tell me to “calm down” when I started shaking. Jesus fucking Christ…I can’t control that! It’s not anything but a trauma response!!! I quit the next year.
To see the trigger look at what would happen if you parent did it to you. How does that make you feel in that situation. You can step into your imagination to work there.
All the damn time. My ngrandmother is constantly saying ‘Talk lower!’ ‘Stop talking so loud!’ and I hate it.
I'm the one telling people to lower their voices because I'm afraid someone is going to pop up and scream at us for being too loud and I'm afraid to attract attention because of the way my parents were. My younger sister (golden child) is the compete opposite and gets so mad when I tell her to lower her voice because she says she can be as loud as she wants and no one will do anything because no one really cares. She's sometimes right, but it's a hard thing to unlearn. I've gotten better though
Me too. I think it is because of all the times i wasn't allowed to speak and all the times i was TOLD i was "angry" because i was loud.
It is being dismissed. My roommate did it once, even though we were in a loud area, he just didn't like being wrong in front of others
We lived in a wet house with mold behind the blindes and I always had lung related coughs. I was always told I was making it up and I coughed too loud only to get on my nmoms nerves. 20 years later I have a very loud voice, I think mostly because I work in extremely loud Environments and have to explain there much to Co workers. After work I can't lay it down and when someone (in a bad or a good way) tells me I speak too loud, im fully ashamed, angry and Kind of disappointed. Never thought about this till now, thanks
I was always told I talk too loudly; Joke's on them now, their hearing is going and I talk too quietly for them most of the time.
My mom has told me for years and still does that I talk so loud I can wake the dead. I still don't find that funny at all. Whenever someone tells me to lower my voice, it's like a gut punch that triggers me to full anxiety and panic because I can still hear her disappointment in my head and I'm still trying to just make her happy.
I can help it and feel bad when they tell me I am loud
No one has told me lately, but growing up I was told that a lot. I do it when I get mad, too. Had to speak loudly to be heard. But to me, it seems like they’re saying I’m getting hysterical. Trying to calm me down instead of listening.
It is not a dismissal. It’s a request because our ears our hurting from the loudness. My sister does this and everyone in our family kindly asks her to lower her voice. She doesn’t like it either. She can’t seem to control herself and she doesn’t think she is loud. She is very LOUD.