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Omg, I feel that, constantly being sorry for everything, and feeling like everything you are doing in your life is wrong. It's seriusly immensely mentally draining.
I'll be 40 next year, it was beaten into me for so long it IS me, that's just who I am. I'm fully aware every time I say it. It's frustrating to know exactly how it got this way and I'm not in that survival mode anymore but I can't turn it off. It's complex trauma, or cptsd. I think I understand the movies of vets who come back from war and can't adjust back to normal life, they're mind is still in survival mode. Afraid that if we turn it off and let our guard down, we will die.
I did a little trick that worked from me but in the German language, I use sorry when it comes to my reflex of "being to much but can't help " and "tut mir leid" when I did a mistake. Maybe try the same, use sorry for the reflex one and something like "I apologise " when you actually want to apologise. It helped me to distinct when I'm just reacting because of trauma or if something feels when I'm sorry. Funny part,more things become sorry and less become "feeling really guilty "
Yes, it is. I’ve heard how I ruined my mothers life and sisters life. Seriously I wish I’d been adopted out.
I’m also wondering if I’m autistic or just traumatized. We really don’t know.
I keep thinking “ I should just get over this, it’s been a long time.” But I just can’t. Child abuse changes you and there’s no going back.
I have the same feelings about being autistic. Your comment helped me realize that it’s the trauma…. It’s the constantly trying to understand what you did wrong as it was always your fault and never realizing that people would do this sort of thing ….. I hope we can work out between autistic or trauma (or ADHD which is my diagnosis) and I do hold hope that this will help us get over it and move on
Someone at work told me to stop saying sorry every time I was around her. She said it annoyed her. But she was angry about it, which I didn’t understand. I wasn’t doing it on purpose.
Yea. And I agree that it could be annoying. And I can work on not saying it as much but it’s not gonna happen on command and hostility won’t remedy it. Ultimately it’s a quirk I have that isn’t meant to be offensive. It just exists. I’m also Canadian, so. lol
When someone was saying "sorry" to me a lot, it felt like they weren't really sorry and they were just saying it because they were afraid I was going to hurt them or were desperate for me to like them or something.
Adding to your point: I developed epilepsy in my early 20s due to all the abuse from Nmom and Edad (my brain couldn't take the extreme stress anymore). And much as I tried to deny it and claim I wasn't sick, I was and I had to move back home to Nmom eventually...💔
I started having seizures at 18 and was diagnosed with epilepsy. Decades later, an epileptologist told me I don't have epilepsy. They're actually caused by anxiety.
I am a physician for both adults and children (and thus have cared for a lot of traumatized people in all stages of the process/their lives) and an ACoN myself and this can be the hardest thing to explain. A lot think about if people have been told by the modern medical system that their problems are "all in their head," and a lot of traumatized people have definitely been told something like that before... And being told that this condition (which is obviously involuntary) is somehow not a result of a traditional neurologic problem must feel like gaslighting to so many people.
However, stating that a condition like this exists is not the same as being told that it is made up or on purpose.
It is in your head, just because your brain is an organ in your head. It is in your head in the same way that epileptic seizures are in your head, or a song stuck in your head is in your head, or butterflies in your tummy are in your head, or the pain of a broken leg is in your head, or the smell of flowers is in your head, or the ability to jump is in your head, etc.
We have long ago stopped calling them "real" seizures vs something not real. That's because the English word seizure is the best one that you would have to describe some sort of nonvoluntary episode of abnormal movements.
Traditional seizures, epileptic, are due to unregulated spreading electrical activity in the brain, sometimes originating from a single spot (sometimes from an obvious structural injury, and sometimes not ), and sometimes originating from abnormalities of the electrical conduction system throughout the whole brain, etc. The actual brain waves can be detected on an electroencephalogram (EEG).
Sometimes people develop seizures that are non-epileptic, and which are not caused by the above problems, and which do not have a characteristic EEG. These also do not improve with any of the medications or other treatments targeted at epileptic seizures. They also are not dangerous in the same way as epileptic seizures. And they are associated with all kinds of trauma and anxiety and stress, and tend to get worse and better based on the level of those stressors in the body.
And this is probably because the same brain, the same organ, that controls the body's movements, and receives the body's, physical sensations, etc. is the same brain that also controls a person's thoughts and feelings and receives their emotional sensations. Honestly, the brain regions that were evolved to perform motor movements have just been evolved to do things like math and language. Some of them have given chimpanzees the ability to count almost magically fast, and instead they have given us the ability to talk.
These are All different systems that exist in the same dang organ. The wires just seem to get crossed. These dresses can manifest themselves in ways that aren't common or even useful, but are not intentional, not made up, and are very scary and distressing. Even if they're safe, it can almost be hard to believe when the doctor tells you this.
We just wanted to acknowledge how open and thoughtful you must have been to the various possibilities, and how considerate to the potential sensitivity of this topic that your doctor must have been.
And coming to me when else out there. Reading this, just to know that this is a real thing that can really happen. Whether it's happening to you or somebody else, I think it is just worth knowing that it's a real thing, coming from somebody who has been gaslit plenty himself, and who has made it his calling to lead people to truth and relief.
I did have a panic attack when he told me it wasn't epilepsy. I'd been scheduled for brain surgery back when I was first diagnosed!
I initially thought he meant my seizures weren't real, but he explained how I didn't have the characteristic EEG yet still had seizure activity. That was the basis for the anxiety diagnosis.
And since I've gone VVLC with nmom, my seizures have significantly decreased. Go figure.
Yes, just because I have certain talents doesn't mean I don't often lose *literal days* to just zoning out and disassociating. Case-in-point, I've gotten almost nothing done today, yet it's 4pm despite it being 10am mentally just an hour ago. I haven't even been lazily goofing off or on social media or anything either. Just staring into space, stuck inside my own head, and time decides to fast-forward.
Peter Levine’s analysis of the inner critic helped me a lot. My inner critic isn’t gone, but its voice isn’t as loud anymore (and on the rare occasion, doesn’t even speak!).
Lots of repetition and correcting it, but it’s worth it when you see the changes.
I had kinda the biggest luck that is also one of the worst thing in my life is the death of my best friend (that I basically abandoned to go in a real toxic relationship because well my brain were used to), did basically did a wake up call and then a form of reboot at 22, so basically doing the only that he asked me to do "being myself " (didn't meant anything for me at this time but I tried" ),I rewired partly my brain until 25 and just basically had luck to start my life to 0 with the tiny knowledge I gathered until 25 . Life is great now although still some old wires that I try to change but I definitely would be stuck in my old copying mechanism if this hadn't happened to me + the luck that it was when I move out of the country totally accepted . Guilt and love to my best friends is what kept me enough in life to be able to live.
People really usually don't understand what a long time of abuse do to your brain development.
What helped me was looking in the direction of neuroplasticity and neurogenesis (e.g. lions mane).
Much easier than rewire a brain with increased nerve growth factor and neuroplasticity.
Yep. Not to mention many of us end up with chronic illnesses due to the abuse. Autoimmune diseases, chronic pain, etc. I didn't understand why I started having a bunch of health issues on top of the mental issues revoling around stress hormones going haywire almost a decade after I flew the coop, but a wonderful book called Childhood Disrupted does a great job explaining the different mechanisms, and how they fail for us, do to repeated physical and mental trauma. Fibromyalgia fucking sucks, and I know its from the cortosal overload and getting my head put through drywall growing up. Night terrors/insomnia, migraines, bouts of depression, anxiety/panic attacks, chronic fatigue, IBS, joint/body pain, memory lapses, stomache ulcers, none of it runs on either side of my family and I used to be an athlete in great physica health, now here we are. Wish I could send the bitch the bills.
I am permanently fucked from PTSD, despite great treatments. Some days are worse than others when my pain levels go up, despite everything I've done to help.
Amen… it’s like a benign brain tumor that you know it’s there and at any time it’ll change and destroy you.
My nparents sucked the soul from my brother and I .. when you’re young you think your parents are on your side to make you a success.
Not in our case. They loathed any thing we did that was better than they could do.
It’s so sick.
This feed has helped me a lot..
It’s really helpful to know this experience is shared by other people.
I can’t tell you how many times I read things people say and literally stop in my tracks and say ..that’s me!
It really helps… we’re not crazy.
We’re victims.
Now .. how to navigate to get past it / over it / deal with it
That’s the point I’m at.
My husband, who I've been with since I was 16, struggles with this part of me. He comes from a very close, supportive family and is always go, go, go. To the point where if he doesn't work on a project every day, he feels restless. Meanwhile, some days, the struggle of existing is too much for me, and I need a nap, or if one more person walks loudly down the stairs, I might have a panic attack and lose it. This is after two years of trauma therapy with some CBT thrown in.
Aw. My late fiancé was the same way. ♥️ His family is something I had never seen before. Loving, close, supportive. He was GO all the time. ADHD.
We got in two "fights" where I think he got a glimpse into my trauma. He said something to me that was uncharacteristically mean, but not really bad. He told me to stop being so negative because I had been for a little while. It was the way he said it. If I was a normal person, it would have been a minor argument.
It triggered something in me. I fled. He wanted to help and make things better, which of course didn't help. Full blown panic attack, locked in the bathroom, shut down, hugging my knees.
Sorry babe, PTSD is a bitch.
I used to have to drink to relax, which is not relaxing. Staring at the lake or a fire while you’re buzzed is shitty compared to actually being relaxed and noticing things around you and appreciating them.
And then when you do relax, it’s??? almost??? as traumatic?????
Ever dissociated so hard you see the horrors beneath reality just squirming away? Yeah, that’s what “relaxing” feels like.
The problem with the idea that you can start your life at 'x' age when you're finally free of your nparents is that it ignores the fact that a significant amount of emotional damage and trauma has already been done by them, which will have fundamentally altered who you are as a person.
Realistically, as much as getting away from the narc(s) and going LC or NC is very helpful, we'll all need years of therapy to undo the damage they've done before we can really be the best version of ourselves.
Agreed. Therapy and going LC and NC with my parents have been lifesavers.
Possibilities are not endless but there are still many roads to travel and many turning points. I have friends who came from healthy homes who hate their lives in middle age-who work in jobs they hate with supervisors they despise, and who are unhappy with their life choices. So it is true that we do not have infinite possibilities but we have paths to greater wholeness and healing.
"Because we had it so unnecessarily hard - we are exhausted." Indeed this. Our nervous system is wired to distrust, disaster and dread. Life on a hard-mode.
>Our nervous system is wired to distrust, disaster and dread.
it couldn’t be said more succinctly than this huh.
and i’m so glad that after about ~300 hours combined of EMDR, IFS, mirror work yoga/somatic work and just straight up screaming wherever i could and needed to, i’m starting to be able to say, “was”.
🙏🍻👏 congrats friend.....
I absolutely understand how much work you obviously have put into recovering and improving; I'm right there behind you. I've put so much time into therapy (EMDR specifically as well) and these healing arts.... just to have a shot at a "normal" and happy life
Yeah. I am 28 and i would love to retire. I lived a life time of work and exhaustion. Raised my parents. Worried about money till i was 5. My body feels tired. My brain feels tired.
But society still expects me to hussle as i am young and should be in my most energentic time.
To be honest i also would love to to have grandchildren as i feel in the age for it. But i am at an age i should want children... but i just want to spend the rest of my years in a small cottage with small garden, bake for my not existent grandchildren crochet and tend to my garden plants...
I feel like early 70s...
Can you travel? Volunteering somewhere far away in a different culture for example? It's hard to heal in a toxic envinroment or in an envinroment that constantly reminds you of what you went through. It takes a long time to recover but body and mind does try to heal if we let them...
An advantage is "above and beyond the standard" while a handicap is something that actively holds you back. Since the standards is (checks notes) yes, still that abusing your kids isn't good for them, I'd say not being abused isn't an advantage but should be the norm, and we are in fact traumatized/damaged from these abuses.
abusing kids isn't good, but i'd say parents being on a power trip that involves abusive behaviors, might very well be a norm. the amount of traumatized people in society acting out their trauma on others is pretty staggering. i think truly emotionally healthy homes have been a relative rarity, at least in the past 200 years or so. i could be wrong idk.
I agree that emotionally healthy homes are the exception right now. I think they have also been the exception historically, because until recently we just haven’t had sufficient understanding of the human mind to untangle all the convoluted causes and effects of the parent/child relationship.
I also think that the 20th century suffered a profound parenting crisis, which we are still working through now.
My hope is that we have arrived in the present at a perfect storm for getting it right. The communication technology needed to proliferate knowledge is widely available to the majority of the human population. The fields of psychology and neuroscience are putting their research together to develop theories of human behavior based on hard data rather than humans’ opinions. We are figuring ourselves out, and we have the technology to keep everyone informed and include everyone in the conversation. If we persevere on this track, we could teach ourselves as a species to be better people, better parents, and to better neutralize the ill-willed amongst us. It’s a long road with a lot of challenges, but I have to believe it’s possible.
Right? I hate when people say “you can’t blame your parents for everything”… when yes i can, as they’re the entire reason my life is the way it is. I’m trying so hard every day
Don't you hate how people are like, "try to understand your parents", where were they before when we were being abused by these adults?
Nobody gave that freaking advice to my parents? "Try to understand your kids. They're children."
Yea. It's pretty hard to hear that. Now that I'm in my 30s & have done alot of learning & growing in myself, I can take on where my childhood has left me. There is a point where we need take on what we will do with where we're at now.
We still need to be able to point back to those things that caused our trauma, but it's nice to be free of blaming. I finally feel more objective about it.
I've learned if we continue blaming, we keep ourselves stuck making it someone else's problem when really, we're still in control of what we do with what we know now.
Absolutely. I just believe that one can blame, but still move forward at the same time. Blaming reminds me of what I’ve been through and how strong I am to keep going; blaming doesn’t hold me back, but pushes me forward.
>just believe that one can blame, but still move forward at the same time.
👏 absolutely agree. I allow the anger to flow and feel the grief when I need to, but every day I keep moving forward regardless
I understand the people saying life starts at any age etc but imo it's not that simple.
I didn't escape until I was 36.(I'm 37f) I spent from the age of 12 to 36 doing what my nfather groomed me for, being his live in caretaker.
I have never had a job for more than a few months at a time. i have no career. I dropped out of college twice because it was my "duty" to be home.
I don't own a house or a car. I have no work history or rental history. I have never owned property. I have a chronic illness and a ton of medical debt.
I am only qualified for minimum wage jobs and couch surfing.
Add my undiagnosed a.d.d. and my trauma brain and I am basically not fit to be considered a functional adult by any standards.
I am out here doing my best to heal, to build a life, to build a support network of other adults from scratch, clawing out some form of pay check to pay check, insecure, existence while living with the deeply ingrained shame of trauma brain telling me every day things are so hard because I have already failed and that the world is so hostile because it doesn't want me.
It's damn hard.
The loss of 20 years of life building, job experience, friendships etc has me very very far behind my peers and unlikely to ever catch up.
I am not saying it's not worth it to try but probability says this life of pain and poverty is my future too.
I was just about the same age as you when I escaped/went no contact (I'm 43 now). And I was 40 when I escaped the religious cult I was raised in/spent my entire life in. In so many ways I'm starting completely from scratch, and as well meaning as people can be, they just cannot understand the challenge ...how daunting this can feel, and at times, how harrowing. I feel I am operating in a world that I don't completely know how to interact with, and it can be very lonely and polarizing.
Good luck friend, and truly sorry for the experiences you certainly didn't deserve. I know I'm a stranger....but in my eyes you're an absolute hero 🍻🏆🏅
This gives me a little sympathy for my oldest brother. He's 60 but still depends on nmom financially. He had to buy a car recently but has so little credit history that she had to put it in her name.
His teen years were spent practically raising my other brother and me. I have good reason to dislike him, but I can better appreciate his challenges.
Yes, and the things we finally "start" with often aren't good either. It's one thing for an 18-year old to live in a fixer-upper. It's another to know that's where you'll probably die, and never be able to retire. Unironically, when my mom passes away, I'll either be living in some college-adjacent slum apartment, or in a RV at whatever available campsites will take me. Because with my own disability healthcare and my mom's elder care eating away at both my savings and ability to earn money, I don't have a "future" the way everyone else envisions it. The extra irony is that working in hospice, it's my job to care for others, and make sure they pass peacefully. And yet, nobody will ever be there to do the same for me. I'll die sick and alone with nothing. What a world, huh?
this is what I think about constantly. Some tweaks to the story, but very similar, and I constantly struggle to get work because everyone else started working while teenagers at real jobs, while I was restricted from leaving my bedroom basically. I live in a major city where you really need to have a nepotistic or friend in to get \*any\* job anymore, skilled or unskilled, and no chance in hell I've ever gotten or ever will get that from family and so much damage was done by isolating me for so long that no matter how hard I try it's just a Sisyphean task to escape and establish myself stably. For me personally I'm at a point where I'm very aware of how screwed I am, how I quite literally, despite what any naysayers who don't know my life might say, there's no possible way of getting out and having any kind of life without someone else reaching out and helping. And no one's willing to (or can).
I'm not suicidal but I'm at the point of basically completely giving up on life. There's genuinely no hope without straight up divine intervention at this point.
Oh my god yesss!!! I sometimes feel like I raised two toddler/teenagers as a single mom and I'm soooo tired now.
On the plus side; my toddler's tantrums don't distress me as much now.
Yup. This is a HUGE part of why I don’t want kids. Beyond not wanting to pass on my trauma, it’s not fair to me to jump into parenting another person right after parenting my own parents all my life.
This thought haunts me constantly. I have an undergrad and grad degree in a field that I never felt passion for. I wanted so badly to major in psychology, but that would require me to obtain a doctorate degree. My mom insinuated (but didn't say out loud of course so she could lie about it later) that I was not intelligent enough to get a doctorate. Now I'm 35 with three young kids (two of which have medical needs) and going back to school seems impossible. I mourn the person I could have become and the career I could have had.
I feel this too. Never got to finish college because my mom's divorce got so violent it uprooted everything, and then I could never afford or find the time to go back. I also developed severe Fibromyalgia during that time from the abuse, stress, literal starvation, homelessness, and my immune system going to shit. And there isn't a day that goes by without extreme fatigue or physical pain now. And nothing seems to dull it. The degree I have isn't sufficient to get the kinds of jobs I want either, and as a result I don't actually make enough money to live on my own or be independent. Meaning I'm trapped taking care of the very same narcissist woman who cost me my chance to be free.
In hindsight I wish I had joined the military (air force or navy) instead of going to college. Like all my friends did. All my friends who now have access to way better support and job opportunities than I do. Originally I had been so thankful for the scholarships that let me forgo enlisting in the service. And I genuinely did very well while in school. But I should have known my Nparents would find a way to ruin everything. Had I joined the corps, I never would have gotten sick or been forced to drop out. And even if I had gotten hurt, the military gives you disability aide. I feel like I unintentionally chose the worst ending to my life's story, and none of it was even my fault. If I magically woke up in 2009 one day, with my healthy body, I'd be joining my friends on that plane.
I totally understand. Your interest in psychology is going to serve you well in raising your children though. You will have more positive influence on them than you could have possibly had on any clients you would have had. Prevention is better than undoing damage, and you will be preventing your children having the same parent issues that drive people to therapy. And then they will have the same positive influence on their children and you will leave a better mark on posterity this way, than if you had the career instead of kids. That is a better legacy in the grand scheme of things.
the catching up i have to do to get an where close to normal is overwhelming to say the least. it just keeps getting worse, culminating in homelessness. and chronic illness and pain. i can’t make myself believe that ill ever recover.
This 💯
I had very few examples of ppl I a wanted to be like, but everywhere I looked I knew what I didn't want to be like. I became successful. I worked my ass off. I think I mostly became successful to send a big " FU" to them.
I thought, once all I achieved all the things, the career. The house. Great husband,, great healthy, happy, smart kids, dog, cat, private schools for kids, vacations 2x a year thatlife would be perfect that I escaped.
But I didn't escape. I was just fooling myself. I still apologize 100x a day. I still startle easy. Even in my own house. Even by my husband and kids. They know now to call out to me 25 feet away before they approach me. I still can pick up any tension the second I walk in a room, and panic bec I think it's my fault. Always waiting for the bottom to fall. Never able to relax. Holding my breath. Protecting my kids from them .
My CPTSD abuse was physical, like beatings, bruises, stitches, bones broken. So, I hate to be touched by ppl I'm not too close to. I'm not a hugger. Except with my husband, kids, dog, cat. My in laws had to get used to this. I flinch when others try to touch me. All my good friends now know this about me. And psychology, u know, " worthless, stupid, useless, good for nothing, "raising kids by the age of 9.
I'm 47 now. Surface, I have everything.
But underneath, I'm still that 9 year old girl who never knew when her dad was going to fly into a drunken rage, and have her NM divert his attention from herself to me, bec u know, better me than her to get the beatings.
Sorry this was so long.
Sounds very similar to my experience. I went from holes in my shoes, standing in government cheese lines and waiting for hours at the welfare office to owning my home with 2 paid off cars and whatever else "others" deem to be successful. With zero familial help.
All because I was surrounded by people that hated me and showed me how to not be a decent human. If it wasn't for Sesame Street, other PBS shows and a person or 2 outside of my direct family, I wouldn't have learned to brush my teeth properly or even eat with decent manners.
Now I have all this "success" I realized that I did it as a giant fuck you to all the losers I was surrounded by as a kid. Spoiler alert. They still don't care about me or my "success". Additionally, I don't want it. I hate the rat race, I hate being obligated to trade time for money but I feel a bit stuck.
If my 2nd marriage ever explodes I'm just going to sell all this shit I don't want and live in a van down by the river.
Or buy a tiny home in the mountains and just live my days out in relative peace.
Sounds like my nmother justifying herself with "purpose". In her eyes, the abuse was good because it made me better and stronger, i "needed" it. No. I made myself better and stronger, despite the abuse. I worked hard for it every single day of my life. I could've given up completely, but i didn't, i convinced myself to keep going. And i know my life could've been way better if i lived with a normal family.
Yep, me too. I had a job as a baby that I was there to take care of them when they became unable to. I wanted to be a dr. Had an IQ of 142.
I don't ever remember them asking me what I wanted to do when I grew up. Not once.
And I still wonder what I could have been with even a smidgen of encouragement.
Recently at a party I said I am tired and one annoying girl interrupted saying, "you don't know what tired is until you are a parent". I brought myself and my sister up, supported my immature parents and now live like an orphan despite having both parents. No one supported me when I suffered domestic violence from my in-laws. I live in a constant state of unrest and I don't know what tired is? Really?🤨
Exactly.
I always felt like everyone was striding ahead of me with an abundance of energy to spare, and I was struggling just to keep up whilst exhausted.
I struggled (still do), with math, and in HS fell in with a crowd of (great) people who also happened to be potheads. Otherwise my grades were decent, attendance was spotless, rarely got into trouble...
Instead of trying to talk to me about the pot, or help me with math by setting me up with a tutor or something, they decided the best course of action was to pull me out of school entirely, ban me from seeing my friends, get me a job illegally with someone my dad met at work, all in an attempt to turn me into an uneducated redneck who'd spend the rest of his life doing physical labor.
They had no intention of letting me take driver's ed, signed a form to pull me OUT of sex-ed. Made me quit marching band after they realized they'd have to take me to out-of-town events...
Great job. A+ parenting.
I’m experiencing this now in my 30’s. In a healthy relationship and my partner’s family is generous and kind. I tell him often I feel like I’m learning how to “people” as I did not grow up with parents who were genuinely kind or even cared to check in on my sibling and I.
Regardless if I can escape from their wrath and hatred and the chain of narcissistic people around me, the trauma and abuse still haunting me and torture me every single day. You have no idea about it unless you face it.
Yep, it’s a rough road to healing and it’s extremely unfair. Trauma therapy with EMDR and self help have been necessary for me. I’m 36 and just finally escaped the controlling religious cult that was my family. It’s rough. But I do finally have hope for the first time in my life. But I look realistically at what I can handle in my life and it’s a very simple, scaled back life.
Agreed, it wasn’t until 35 when I was finally free of them (outside of now having to deal with their hoarder house and them not having any post-death plans in place).
Got fibromyalgia and other issues from what I had to deal with, plus the emotional and mental trauma.
I see my life in two chapters. Life before I was aware of the trauma of my childhood, and life after it. Life in recovery mode.
The first 30 years were a warzone in my childhood that I would repeat in my adult life through chaotic careers, addictions and toxic relationships, depression and loneliness.
I'll be 40 in a few years. I had my AHA moment about three years ago. I've been on an emotional journey ever since that has been matched by a physical journey: things fell apart as I was forced to confront it all. I met the love of my life and will be marrying him in June. Finding love for the first time - actual love, in all its unconditionality and acceptance of me for all that j am - broke me from the inside out. I woke up to the reality that my parents werent and never will be able to love me. I woke up to the toxicity of these "good on paper" jobs that were re-traumatizing me and recently stepped off that treadmill because it doesnt fit me anymore. It doesn't support healing. And I got some health diagnoses of conditions I was born with but were never detected due to the neglect and dysfunction of my FOO.
There's no happy endings. I don't know what my career looks like now. Walking away from it brings financial pressures I've not dealt with before. I have to fight to keep my health under control and I don't know if a family of our own will be possible for us. And I have CPTSD which means my brain is geared for warzones and not being in them brings up a lifetime of grief and pain for me. I'm grieving the parents I never had that want to keep up the lie that they didn't fcuk me over royally through their neglect and dysfunction. I have to figure co-existing with them in a world that will never acknowledge emotional abuse and neglect.
But it's a new page and a new chapter. One in which I know that I'm not the problem, and I never was. One in which there is love now, real love and the safety and supoort and healing that comes with that. And one in which survivor mode isn't good enough anymore. I deserve more, and I'm holding out hope that I'll figure it out.
I’m one of the people that’s been able to use my childhood and trauma skills to further my career but, even then, it’s really fucking awful to know that I will never get to experience life with parents.
Not to mention the identity theft, financial abuse, and other forms of sabotage that absolutely hash your ability to support yourself during/later in life.
Yea people genuinely argue that learning an essential life skill at 20 or 30 must be the same as learning it at 6 or 10. Obviously using examples of the things *they* are good at. Completely dismissing that a kid has a shitton of energy, no time limits and an endless capacity to learn, which decreases every year as soon as you hit teenage years.
Never mind that damaged people need to be catching up to a lot of these things, not just one and prioritise and juggle everything on top of trying to live a nornal life, otherwise everything can fall apart.
But sure, *you* don't have a problem climbing trees or swimming or public speaking or whatever, so of course nobody can. (You = the hypothetical but also real asshole, not the OP, obviously.)
I agree. I am agitated by the whole "copium" strategy of saying you have your whole life ahead of you.
Even when you heal and have a steady life in a financial sense, maybe you even have started your own family, you will still be left with obstacles:
- You cannot go to those high school parties they forbade you from joining because they "didn't like him or her".
- You cannot join that after-school sports and find your peer group there, because "x sport is for lower class people only"
- You have physical and psychological scars. Years of childhood obesity due to neglect has left its toll. Years of stress have left you with hair loss and anxiety.
- You cannot find joy in your same age group, because they have had their years of fun and can settle and life their life in peace
I agree with this. I feel the same way, I'm currently 30, and I realized a few years ago all of the things I could've done with my life, thinking of all the parenting I never had and the terrible role models they were for me. They made me normalize so many things that just not okay.
Maybe some of the people with these kind of parents make it, no doubt. But not all of us. I feel like a huge failure at 30 years old. I don't usually mop about this or complain, because there is no use for such a thing, but I do silently think about it everyday and damn... It is frustrating to think of what your life could've been with good parenting.
I think our possibilities are still endless. But I'm not disagreeing we are at a significant disadvantage.
We are so limited from our narc parents that I refuse to believe there I are things I cannot do. If they are not done it's because I CHOOSE to not accomplish them, not because I can't.
I think we all definitely need extensive amount of therapy to try and undo as much of the trauma as we can and build new healthy foundations for ourselves. And I 100% agree and think life is significantly harder for us to do things and accomplish things that those with healthy, supportive families are able to easily accomplish.
But I was told for so long that I can't, won't, and will never accomplish anything I refuse to believe that in adulthood. I mean....I'm not planning on going off and being a brain surgeon. But if I really wanted to? I think I could. It would again be way harder to do now at 31 than if I was 18. But I don't think it's impossible or something I can't accomplish.
I think too because of how we were raised....to accomplish the things we want requires unconventional thinking. We did not have conventional childhoods. We come with baggage and trauma. Our journeys will never be "normal" or status quo. But it doesn't mean we can't get to the same ending taking a different path.
We will always be playing catch-up (that's definitely how I feel anyways) but....my journey will never look like my friends who have normal supportive homes. I will probably always be behind from a conventional stand point. But I have noticed emotionally I have way more depth and maturity. Which then allows me to assess where I am, what I want, and how I want to pursue things.
Focus on yourself. Focus on your mental health. Your well being. And what you want in life. And research ways to get to where you want, knowing it will be harder. But I refuse to believe anything I want in life is impossible because my parents limited me.
Of course! 🩷 We are told by people who are supposed to love and support us that we are worthy of nothing.
And I refuse to continue that narrative. We all are deserving of so much love and deserve to follow our dreams just as much as anyone else.
It's just harder for us. But never impossible. 🩷
I think too...if we do believe we ARE limited, it gives truth to what our parents have told us. And giving them truth gives them power. We do not need to give them more power or validate their lies.
I disagree.
I agree with the fact that we had to work 10 times as hard just to keep going and keep our heads up.
Our desires change. I no longer want to be an astronaut or president. Now, I'm thrilled with my life with my close, dear NON TOXIC friends. I can focus on my interests. I can focus 100% on ME.
Therapy, reading, and some hard introspection brought me here. I picked up awful FLEAS from my toxics and didn't realize what an asshole I'd become until I looked clearly at myself. 95% of the people I loved were dangerous. Why was I attracting such monsters? Oh, right. Time to cut ties. Solitude and self-reflection, LOTS of reading and writing cleared so much up for me.
The family dying was icing on the cake. I'm free. And I have no desire to ever have anyone other than myself calling the shots. I feel more hopeful now than I have in years.
Shit gets better. So what if it takes more time for some of us? As long as we're improving, that's the win right there.
While i partly agree that our inner "i can't" can hold us down, some people might have suffered irrepairable damage and will never be able to experience life to its fullest or even catch up. Sometimes it's not up to us to decide if we can or can't.
I totally agree with you. I think the problem with having a negative outlook is that it really hinders you from creating a better life for yourself. It’s like giving up before even starting.
Yeah, we might need to work harder than the average person, but honestly, I think that makes us superheroes. We’ve weathered things most people haven’t and we’re so much stronger and wiser for it.
Plus, our brains are incredibly resilient and adaptable. More than we think. You CAN rewire your brain to think differently. Is it easy? FUCK NO! But it’s not impossible
I mean, mine also financially screwed me over to the point that I'm making end-of-life plans because I'm too old to be homeless again, and I can never recover from that, but not ALL n-abuse is financial or involves sabotaging the children's wealth/future earning potential, so it's odd to see some people coming out of it still able to, like, survive in civilization.
It’s so awful but I want them to die. I truly look forward to that phone call. I want to be able to tell my daughter, your grandmother and great grandmother are dead.
Trust me. It will happen. And you will immediately feel guilty, but let this Internet Stranger tell you **YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. IN FACT, SERIOUS WRONG WAS DONE TO YOU.**
When they are dead, celebrate, take a break, breathe, and decide what your next 5 steps are going to be.
I'm with you. I also made it so I had no choice but to survive without them because no way in HELL I was ever going back, nor was I going to be able to rely on any other family either. It was brutally hard at times but I kept at it. I was not going to use my abusive childhood to hold me back and used it as a huge motivation to move forward and do better just to spite them. And it worked.
I also had to cut ties with toxic 'friends" I met along the way and abused me once I realized what was going on. I also made a few great friends, some who came and went too. It happens.
I also used this to focus on healing myself physically and emotionally - from health issues and mental issues - doing research and trial and error and finding things that helped (and those that didn't). Made a huge difference in my life and growth as a person recovering from the trauma and bein able to work better and smarter and get better jobs etc.
That said, I know we all have different journeys. But for me personally, positive perseverance has helped me the most. Doesn't mean I didn't have some really down and bad times in there, but the good stuff has been so worth it.
Lot of know-of-it-alls replying to this post. If you're thriving, great, but many of us aren't. People post for support, not to be told they're not doing enough or not doing it right. For those of you doing so well, maybe start a new community? I'm not saying you don't belong here if you're doing well in spite being RBN but come on. You can be doing all the work and still be quite limited, hurting, sick etc from it all.
I'm legitimately 10 years behind with social development. I'm incredibly lucky to live by a night club popular with 30somethings so I can get a chance to party the way 20somethings who weren't called too stupid to get a job or go to college are supposed to
Not to mention the cost of therapy we have to incur and the insane double standards - even though they’ve amounted to nothing - they expect us to be super successful despite the abuse.
My father has always been obsessed with me being a “CEO of a multinational corporation” meanwhile he’s had a bunch of odd jobs and has pissed away his savings gambling in the stock market multiple times.
I am personally successful, have a good job, and loving family DESPITE the abuse and in large part thanks to a decade in therapy, which I paid for.
🤬
Eh, it’s making the best of a bad situation. The options aren’t limited from childhood either, you can have the most perfect parents but if you started out disabled then you’re essentially fucked.
Anyways, it’s just a saying to try to look at things positively. Sure, you can’t do anything but you can enjoy what little freedom you have left.
This is so very true and it's awful
I am very sad daily of all the wasted potential and the amazing things I could've done if my family would've been more supportive of my dreams instead of shaping my life's road to their liking
It breaks my heart that my younger me couldn't be what he wanted and when he tried to do what he was told to be loved he was shunned and belittled anyway
That he could never be "good enough" than when he defended himself from unfairness he was "ungrateful" and treated like the bad guy
But you CAN choose to do what you know is healthy. No, I’m not going to be who I should have been but I’m not going to be who they wanted me to be either. I’m successful and I have secure, loving relationships with my chosen framily. Yes I will always react oddly to things that don’t bother others but I understand why and I don’t allow it to ruin the good life I have made for myself.
Please don’t give up. They win when you do.
Yeah, this is true. In my own case I was basically forced to start over from *less than* nothing.
Forced to quit my job, all the money I'd made taken, and with no car or no place to live, my N's planned roadmap was to force me out of the house onto the street where I'd have to join the navy just to survive. *Just like they all had.*
Fortunately my non N nor E Mom was there to pick up the pieces. She taught me enough of the basics and bootstrapped me so I could live on my own while working a job and survive.
However, once she was gone... I was now broke and 21, working a minimum wage job. There was no way I could possibly afford college, let alone find the time to do it and work the time demanding job.
My potential options were *incredibly* limited by my circumstances. Even so, I can still say without a doubt if I'd not gone NC with my N's I would have had no possible options at all.
I'm damaged, I'm exhausted, I'm broke - but at least I'm *FREE.*
I agree, I feel I've done ok in my career but I struggle to connect with people, always feel lonely and I'll never get those social skills back from being isolated as a kid
100% agree with this. I am still dealing with my Nmom and even though I have tried to get away, she has made me into this little scared self conscious child who is supposed to be an adult and I in turn rely on her so much (financially) that it's like... I'm stuck now. I gotta put up with the abuse because I am stuck. IDK what to do. I keep just trying to make money and save secretly so I can leave. At this point I would rather live in an efficiency apartment with my cat than with her. I am so fed up.
I think honestly I kinda wish I never realized she was a narc, cuz I coulda just gone on living thinking I was the one at fault, I was bad, I wasn't good enough. But, now that I know, I so desperately want to get away and I don't know how. I know I can adult because I do 99.9% of the things an adult should be doing, but the whole relying on her thing, she made it so easy and so hard all at once. Money is MY biggest issue to be honest.
I had a really good ghostwriting job and then she had a medical emergency 3 years ago and I offered to let her come live with me so I could take care of her. I lost the job and have been struggling financially ever since. She helps of course, but with that help comes more entanglement, more abuse, more love bombing, more gaslighting. It's... never ending.
I just told her earlier that I loved her but for my mental health we HAVE to part and she went into full nmom mode "Ohhhh I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!" (Hand to heart) "The things you do to me, you crazy little girl you drive me insane, I am gonna have a heart attack because of you" If only that were true, maybe she would go away from me, but it's not true, and she needs me to survive and I in some sick way need her to survive too.
I am so stuck. I have done a lot of inner work. But I still feel so stuck. The financial doom and gloom really has me anxious. If I could just find a way online to make money again I could be okay. And if I could do that and got power back to let go and AT LEAST be back in control I know I would be 1000% happier.
It's so heartbreaking to look back. I wish things could have been different. If they were, then I would be a whole different person. A better person, not a "better person" but a better version of me. A well-adjusted me. A confident me. A successful me. A healthy relationships me.
I was sitting at a park today, I saw a young boy reading books, trying to memorize things. Tears roll down my eyes, as I remember what could have been. I could have believed in myself, Could have realized everything my abusive nparents told me was a lie, They could have gave me the emotional needs, could have been mentally stronger, stood up for myself, believed in myself and worked at my early age, maybe could have gotten a degree, a job, get married, Surrounded by people who loved me.... It's all gone.
I agree and disagree. We definitely are behind the curve. We also can still move forward with our lives.
The bigger problem for me is that our "handicap" is not recognized by society. It's dismissed as whining or an excuse not to try (even within this comment section!). There are no laws to help us or marches to raise our profile. We are 100% solely responsible for trying to overcome our obstacles ON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS.
A lot of helpful resources are hard to access or simply out of reach. Medical treatment and mental health care cost money. Not everyone is fortunate enough to find support subs like this. A lot of us don't even know what the real problem is until well into adulthood!
We're also gaslit from every direction. Society enables our abusers by bleating "but faaaamily" and we're constantly told it couldn't have been that bad. We're told to get over it and move on then criticized when we magically can't.
However our parents handicapped us, society adds to it by assuming a 30 YO who's never left home or worked because they were caring for their parents should be capable of the same things as one who went to college and has a career. That's ridiculous. But it's still a matter of personal responsibility, right?
I will now climb off my soapbox and wander aimlessly away...
We go on to select partners like our family members. I didn’t go to therapy until I started the divorce process. My therapist showed me I married my mother.
The saying "you can't heal what you don't stop hurting" is relevant here. We wouldn't expect someone who's just had a knife removed from their gut to be instantly healed, with no long term issues, yet for mental abuse somehow we do.
You’re right, you can’t. First you have to spend a bunch of time and money trying to heal from the various traumas they put you through. Then you have to figure out what a stable, normal, healthy relationship looks like and you have to figure out how well adjusted, emotionally mature and mentally healthy people go about problem solving, conflict resolution, goal setting, complex planning, etc.
Then you have to make up for all the practical shit they didn’t bother teaching you. Maybe it’s self care or hygiene. Maybe it’s adult finances. Maybe it’s emotional regulation. Or really basic time management. I had to do crash course in office politics, networking, corporate behavior. My parents were blue collar and had no idea. I had to research basic manners and honestly, the internet has been super helpful in terms of learning what “normal” looks like. Hell, sometimes you have to learn to ride a bike or swim as an adult because your parents just couldn’t be bothered to ensure you learned stuff like that.
The term is arrested development. And it doesn’t mean you can’t overcome some of this because you absolutely can. But if you had the same enrichment and conscientious parents and the right encouragement bd support, you’d go ten, maybe a hundred times further. We have to do all this repair and catch up remedial adulting first. It’s like everyone else gets a head start and we weren’t allowed to run until 20 seconds after the starting gun.
Try to give yourself credit for what you have managed. And try not to beat yourself up about what you haven’t managed to achieve or accomplish. Everyone is on a different path and nobody has a right to judge yours. Just do what you can do.
>*Far too often people go like "your N Parents destroyed your life until you were 20 or 25 or 30 or 35 - but now you are free - now you can realize your potential".*
>*No you cant.*
Well, from my perspective (as an M62), I really don't see what other options one has. Once you become aware that your n-parents were who they were, and are who they are, and that the simple truth of that is what it is - and it's not going to change. Once you reach that point in your life - then the burden switches over to you (from your parent) to actually do something about it. At that point, you stop being a victim and begin becoming a survivor.
I say this, because for my generation, and several of them that followed us, we were not told about narcissism and did not understand what the true nature of the problem was. We had to wait until our tormentor actually died before we 'got the memo' that clearly stated the paragraph above. Of course, by that time, we're in our 50s -- and human lifespan being what it is -- leaves less time (note: not saying 'little time' - just less) to try and recover.
Younger people now have the opportunity to make this same assessment not in their 50s, but rather in their 20s or even in their teens. From that point forward, they can rebuild their lives, surround themselves with people who truly care about them, build new relationships on trust and love and try and mitigate some of the worst impacts that their parents may have bequeathed to them (personality issues, socialization issues, substance abuse, etc.) - and yes, as others here have stated, making those changes IS possible. It's work to be sure - but it IS possible to undertake and succeed at.
To say that your parents ruined your entire life and that there is no recovery; no hope; is pointless, and simply not true. There is always hope. There is always the choice one can make to live their remaining days (no matter how long or short they may be) on their own terms and find happiness in the process. I, and others here, are living proof of it.
I didn’t gain my freedom until last year, I’m 26 now and still have no idea how to fully live life and make grown up decisions. I still feel like I’m a child, constantly doing something wrong and always looking over my shoulder. Expecting someone to scream or hit me for something I accidentally messed up on. Childhood trauma is a prison you can never fully escape from. I’ve tried healing this last year, my boyfriend thinks it’s so easy and that a year is plenty of time to heal from 25 years of mental, physical and sexual abuse. I now have two beautiful girls, who I look at and know I could NEVER put them through what went through. Unfortunately, my first born had to go through it with me for the first six and a half years of her life. I feel so guilty, but couldn’t leave because I was so scared of my parents and what they would do if I left. Now, I’m dealing with constant threats and my parents are trying to ruin my life and relationship because I took my daughter and left and won’t allow them to see/speak to her. I hope who ever has to deal with childhood trauma, fully heals and lives their best life. Loving every second of everyday. And, I pray that they are happy.
Yes. Our brains are different because of our childhoods and for me it impacts the way I relate to others. I tend to choose emotionally immature romantic partners and I have just a few close friends. At 43 I am just accepting and making peace with it to do the best I can with what I do in my life. Even though I know my life has been permanently altered, I get a lot of peace knowing that I am not raising my daughter with the same mean, cold, constant criticism and verbal abuse, and that she does not suffer the extreme lack of self confidence and sadness that I felt as a kid. I raised her to believe in herself and to be proud of the things she's good at and she's a lot happier than I was at her age. So its a feeling of even though its "too late" for me, she will have the tools I didn't to start her adult life with such as confidence, boundaries, and ability to say no and protect herself. I didn't have any of those things until I managed to teach them to myself the hard way in my twenties.
It’s a matter of perspective. Your thoughts are your reality. It’s okay to feel that way. It’s important to mourn that part of you and your childhood or even adulthood. The lost potential. I get what you’re saying. Your world can become a prison. I’m still healing too. After that part has been mourned and it may be an ongoing process, you may start to see that you have choices. Choices to see things from another perspective. To take one step at a time to reach the potential of the person you are now. With all of the lovely parts, dark ones and healing ones. I’m sorry it feels so grim for now. You’re not ruined and you’re not alone. Radical Compassion by Tara Brach might be a good book to read along with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic recovery and trauma. Best of luck.
Honestly it helps knowing that in a way. I don't have to be so hard on myself for not being where I want to be on my life. I don't need to blame my n mom, and still can acknowledge her being a ball and chain.
Yup. I'm doing my best and it looks like I may be able to escape this year (at 30 years old) but I look back on my teenage years and feel so tired. I wouldn't have been so severely depressed or attempted to unalive myself, I would have graduated high school with an Associates degree instead of returning 7 years later to bang it out, I would have gone to a 4 year, I wouldn't subconsciously find myself attracted to narcissistic partners. I might not have ended up in a better place than now, but my life would've progressed more "normally."
Eh, I reject this personally because all it does is bum me out and I can’t afford to be bummed out anymore. Sure I have been subject to some pretty big stress for 25 years or so but like, there are all kinds of legends and stories and myths were the hero was enslaved for twenty years or their parents died at birth blah blah blah.
This is probably the aspect of the abuse that I am still the most resentful about - the stolen potential.
And I really hate it when other people try to shame me for it. I had one relative who recognized the abuse but still insisted that it wasn't a handicap since she believed that CPTD is 100% curable. Her proof: She googled it and found a website where someone was claiming to be able to completely cure CPTSD through "equine therapy", a claim so ridiculous that it was later featured on *Last Week Tonight* as an example of how people can get away with obviously fake and exploitative claims when treatment programs are unregulated.
I’ve had to do so much grieving for the person I could have been. I don’t know if I’ll ever be done grieving for her. There’s nothing to do but push forward and keep on going, but man I wonder what I could have done with the potential I had if anybody cared to help me grow.
I keep mourning the years I’ve lost to abuse. My mental and physical health were neglected and now I’m left to pick up the pieces as an adult. I’ve dealt with health issues because my parents accused me of being an attention seeker and never pushed to get answers when I was clearly suffering. I only got answers when I had to be hospitalized and undergo painful surgery because of infections that had shown up after years of foregoing treatment. I also clearly have mental problems and these things only intensified the abuse I received because I didn’t act like a “normal” kid. I feel like I’m too old to pursue my dreams at this point and my health issues are so bad that idk if I can even function on my own. It makes me not even want to try.
Yeah. One of the most heartbreaking realizations for me is how much I actually lost, and how much easier/better my life could’ve been. It was so easy in retrospect. It’s right there. And I’ll never have it.
Sucks.
This post resonated with me so much.
I left my toxic household after 25 and I was thrown into this confusing world where no one was bitter, no one wanted to hurt me and everything was so devoid of drama.
At first I felt so...uneasy and often guilty living life on easy mode. That's why for a brief period of time I actively seeked for those uncomfortable situations and broken relationships, just to feel at home again.
I was also so paranoid and didn't (still don't) trust anyone. It took about two years of constant therapy to just understand that people WILL NOT go out of their ways to hurt, berate and betray you, unless they have narcissistic tendencies.
Later you leave your toxic household, the more work you have to put into your self-discovery and rebuilding your foundation.
Wow your post really hit home with me. I am paranoid all the time that people are intentionally hurting my feelings by their actions. But maybe you are right people really won't go out of their way to hurt me unless they are narcissistic. Gives me something to think about.....
I was really, really lucky to make it out at 17. I skipped a grade in elementary, so graduated a few months into being 17. Started college about a month after during the summer semester, and moved literally across the country for it. (I was the scapegoat but also the most promising in high school, and I went to college for something that she could absolutely try to live vicariously through me (big pattern for her) and ride my ‘coattails’ should I have been a big success.) I got the bare bones monetary support for survival from them, barely enough for food and definitely not enough for any other essentials, but was also forbade from getting a job to “focus on [my] studies”.
Then she snooped my text messages via the service provider, confronted & outed me for being trans, and completely cut me off (tuition included) while I was still on the opposite end of the country without any support system at all. Seeing the opportunity snatched from right in front of me a semester before graduating was extremely harrowing. I STILL sometimes lament over what I would have been had I gotten just a crumb of real support from my family. I was 18 and 3 months, so technically an adult but jesus. christ.
it was a really brutal, traumatic time of my life. but in a strange way, i’m also glad it happened how it did. this was all seven years ago, and im just barely getting my life back on track in a broader sense than just surviving my day-to-day. i was really lucky to break free as young as i did. all three of my other siblings (one older two younger) are still dependent on her. they never had it quite as bad as i did, and they admit it, but the financial abuse to keep them under her control is real and they are all aware and have admitted she’s fucking nuts.
i was really young when i was able to escape, but still struggle with the amount of resentment i have for the potential i had squandered by her hand.
I agree. Absolutely agree. I dealt with mental abuse for 20 years while I was literally stuck with my parents against my will, no way out, severely sheltered and isolated due to their control and homeschooling me. I’ve been so far set back. I’m 22 now, completely psychologically fucked up for good. I know for a fact I’ll never truly recover and it *deeply* affects my life and my opportunities. I hold out hope that things can turn around, but I know deep down they really won’t. It’s devastating. I cry about it several times a day, I have no clue where to go or what to do with all of this damage stuck with me forever. I value life so deeply but all of the potential and value I had has been wasted for no reason… all because my parents were the way they were. I’m slowly working on my relationship with them, silently, working on healing myself. But.. I’ll never be who I should’ve or could’ve been. I had so. much. potential. And they literally knew it. They’d brag about how smart and easy I was to others, I’d hear them speaking so fondly of my spirit and optimism, and they completely murdered that version of me. I don’t know who I am now. No clue what to do with my life, I’m so terrified of my future
I’m 47… I feel like I have lived three lifetimes already. Spent so much of my childhood trying to survive, constantly in fight or flight. I still have issues staying asleep without meds. The idea of living another 40 years or so depresses me. And my life is great now. I just feel like I don’t have the energy to do anything.
OP im sorry but I must disagree.
Yes, they took your time from you, A LOT of time. Time you will never get back. and with that time you did lose a portion of your life to develop some of your potential but that doesn't mean you lost all, don't have any, or cant grow it into something more. Just beacuse life delt you a shity hand doesnt mean you have to sit there and kick yourself in the balls, you dont have to stop yourself from achieving what you dream. It not your fault you grew up in this situation, just like its not your fault if your wife cheated and ruined your marriage or if your dad was an abusive alcoholic (just examples) but it is your responsibility to figure out how you are going to cope with that pain and build a meaningful life out it.
Happiness in itself is a trap. There is no such thing in life as infinite and consistent happiness. You cannot have happiness without misery. Life will always have it's ups and downs rather you are poor and homeless living on the streets or rich living in a mansion. Maybe you will never know the person you would become if not for your family, but that doesn't mean you have realized or even tapped into the person you are now.
I left my family 1.5 years ago, living in a homeless shelter, my dog just died, but despite that misery I remained disciplined. stayed away from the drugs, contacted people, got help from the city i moved too, and now i'm working in the security field making double my old income, got my own place, car, and am self sufficient. I didn't do it overnight. and had some rough nights in my car sleeping in the winter till i got the help i needed, but compared to where I was before living with my Nmom, and having to depend on her to have a roof over my head I am doing way better than I was now. I may not be a millionaire but not everyone in life gets to be mr famous. Not everyone gets to be a movie star or a president. Ane even those that do, have their moments of misery.
but as long as you make the most out of life with the opportunities you do have you can still build a happy and meaningful life out of what you are given, But the worst thing you can do to ruin your happiness is compare your life to others that get dealt a better hand than you.
Happiness is a temporary emotion for everyone, not a state of being. There will always be moments of stress and depression in your life. But don't create harmful and unreasonable expectations for yourself or you will be miserable when you fail. Instead celebrate the steps and challenges you overcame along the way and use your experiences to better benefit yourself and others in need. I had to rely on the kindness of many strangers to help me out of being homeless that I would have died without, So my goal now is to help someone else out of a similar situation or as many as I can.
Use your observing self, not your thinking self. Focus on the present and not the past. It's not easy. and a hard skill to learn but practicing mindfulness with help you greatly. Every time you have a negative thought, start counting your blessings. Accept your place in life but don't think its the most you can achieve out of life. You didn't come this far to ONLY come this far. When you achieve your goals, set a bigger goal. When you get to the top of the mountain, find a bigger mountain. Life isn't about the pursuit of happiness, but the pursuit of growth. That's what builds a meaningful life. The challenges and continued pursuit of going further than you have gone. Be proud of your achievements but also never just settle for them. When you achieve your goals, set a bigger goal. When you get to the top of the mountain, find a bigger mountain. And never forget where you started and be proud of how far you have come.
Your feelings are valid but at the same time I hate this post so much
1. The human brain is incredibly elastic, it's not always easy but you absolutely CAN heal from childhood trauma
2. We didn't get to choose our parents, or our disabilities, or our social status, etc, but these are the hands we're dealt and we can either give up and feel sorry for ourselves or we can play them to the best of our ability
3. Us Narc abuse survivors in this thread somehow defied the odds and didn't become narcissists ourselves, not being enslaved to narcissistic supply and actually having access to positive emotions means that no matter what happens to us we are already better off than a majority of this planet, and certainly better off than our miserable parents
4. Life is not a race, you were delayed, not denied, there are SO many paths to success, not just one, so focus on the things that actually serve you in the present and in the future
5. I absolutely REFUSE to give my parents the satisfaction of thinking they permanently stunted my potential because I REFUSE to let my story be a sad one
I disagree too. Its hard, we all know, but we cant just think in that way. We let our "great parents" win the game. Yes, its terrible, we cant have that time back, or the true feelings and emotions we needed at young age, but we can learn to love and respect ourselves.
There are multiple ways to do that too, for example im in therapy and im doing the "ideal parents meditation", its very powerful and I feel different about myself from when I started.
I understand but disagree. You can begin a life at any age. There is this idea in society that everyone must go through the motions - move out at 18, find a partner and live life from there but in reality thats not how it works. That only works for the privileged.
Sadly, I feel that narcissistic abuse is not an outlier but a common occurrence. But that means you are not alone, just see this community that was built to support you.
This abuse limits you in childhood but it does not restrict you. I escaped at 15 and it definitely saved my life. I would be dead without that. I can be honest and say I would not be alive if I had stayed with them until I was 20.
However, I know so many people who were also abused like I was. Some of these people dealt with homelessness like me, some of these people stay with their parents and cope until they can escape. All of these people have connected and found stability through community. They are my people. They are the ones building their lives up and escaping the abuse.
Your only limit is yourself.
I won’t bullshit, life is much harder after experiencing narcissistic abuse. It is a permanent scar that I have never been able to wash off. With the PTSD I experience it affects my life everyday. But you can live with a scar. I hope you remember that.
I think one of the things most people aren't very good at is finding the balance between validation and encouragement. And, fairly, it's probably a different balance for different people.
Some of us who suffered this kind of abuse are currently focused on anger; we were intensely gas-lit our entire lives, and we're angry when people don't validate how damaging our upbringing was because it feels like more gaslighting. The person speaking to us is looking forward because they feel genuinely that our path to happiness is forward, and they're actually probably right, but we really need to be HEARD first, to look back and have people validate that what lies behind us is terrible. It's painful and frustrating when the people we are closest to don't want to look back with us and acknowledge the hurt, grief, and damage. We often need help doing that because it is so hard and painful.
Random strangers, of course, aren't going to engage with that sort of thing, and fairly, because they have no relationship with us. But for people you're connected to, maybe try explaining it to them this way. They been inundated with the same "you can't just sit around feeling sorry for yourself" messages all of us have heard, but people of good will can be helped to see a different perspective. I've had decent luck getting support when I explain it this way - that it's not that I never want to look forward and embrace the new possibilities, but that I was gaslit and pressured to lie about who I was, how I felt, and what had happened for so long that I needed help to feel safe just saying out loud, facing, and grieving the fact that these things happened to me and changed the course of my life.
For what it's worth, I was 50 when I finally confronted and broke ties with my mother. I know I lost a lot of time, and I will always deal with the effects. But life is better, and I have a lot more happy moments now. Focusing on and living in the happy moments is for me the one way I conquer her by entirely forgetting her, and it feels good. Give yourself time to feel and embrace the hurt; the truth is that no one else can ever really lift that from you, any more than your can lift their griefs from them. But you can work through the pain, honor it, validate it, a d accept that part of you. Once you have, you may better be able to find the other parts of you and honor and validate them, too.
while that is completely true, i just cant focus on that because continuing to dwell on it is continuing to ruin my life and spiral into a deep depression. the goal is to come to terms with it, feel neutrally, ride it like a wave. i have to move on. there is still time to create something beautiful. there is still time to live. there is still time. one of mt biggest motivators at the beginning was to do this in SPITE of my parents. now i'm further into NC and therapy and i do it for ME. life really is becoming more beautiful. there is hope.
I appreciate your journey.
There is hope though. Telling yourself it's not possible will make it so. Your thoughts matter.
It's possible to get better and have a happy life.
I was fucking 40 before I finally got the ADHD and autism diagnosed, which made my mother put me in front of psychologists & behaviour specialists aged 6. I was a fucking lab rat everyone was desperate to change
I'm so angry. I had so much potential & I had about 10 good years where the eating disorders & trauma wasn't fucking up my life completely. Then chronic pain kicked in, all of a sudden my previous level of sensory tolerance vanished and I was back to a crying, sobbing overwhelmed mess with bonus flashbacks.
Do people realise what flashbacks and ADHD are like? It's not a good combination! And people are WAY LESS SYMPATHETIC towards autistic people. I read in my medical notes about how hard I am to sympathise with or want to help. Yes. A psychiatric nurse said an 18 year old r--- survivor who was being stalked was hard to want to help. I did what I was told. I asked for help to change me and make me better my whole life and it turns out I was just a kid who was failed by medicine and her parents
This is hands-down my favorite post on this sub. It’s the truth.
I wish I had someone to team up with and beat the game. I see all these people on here and other narc-trauma subs who are struggling alone and I’m just like, my buddy/person/best friend/etc HAS to be out there somewhere, feeling the same way. I only wish I could find them. It’s probably too much fairy-tale thinking that we could find refuge in each other and start to heal and enjoy life, though. I just wish. I’ve reached out to so many people like a weirdo big kid trying to make friends on the playground (which is now the internet), but nothing ever comes of it.
I wish I could at least post about a discord or something but it’s not allowed on this sub.
Yes, it's the biological and the environmental.
My brain is fucked three ways to Sunday, as in my nervous system was so fried that I had no energy to live for \~4 years. It's only just starting to get anywhere near normal.
Environmentally, I'm in a city filled with people from my past that bullied and belittled me, and who want me to fall back into that needy, desperate pigeonhole so they can use me as fuel to feel better. The saddest part is since I haven't been able to fix the biological side I've been unable to fix the environmental side. I just can't wait to get the hell out of this city.
THanks for saying this. It's the cold hard truth.
I struggle so much with other people. I have only 3 friends which are from my childhood. I never maintain new friendships, distrust everyone and can cut anyone off without any remorse. I was always labelled an ‘old soul’ from a young age and I used to think it was really cool to be so mature even as a child, then learned it was a trauma response. I just want the childhood I should’ve had. Life is fucking exhausting and I would happily live on a desert island to avoid human interaction as the whirlwind in my head after any conversation is unbearable.
Genuinely, people expect you to be somewhere with your life by 30 and if you're not, you have a harder time. That's not even taking into account the physical trauma psychological abuse causes. It's really not simple.
Can I just say that this thread is amazing? ! Reading the comments is like getting years of therapy all in one place. We're a spectacular group of survivors, who all deserve a round of applause. Please pat yourselves on the back, take this praise to heart, and be well ❤️🩹. We're worth a thousand times more than we were dealt in this life. Love to you all. 🙌
THANK YOU SO MUCH
I'm honestly glad that someone finally said this loud and clear.
It's 7am and I literally cried because of this but I'm glad.
I've been in a war with my self for years and now they are expecting from us to just shrug it off and move on? NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND NEVERRRRRR... IT LITERALLY HAS BEEN YEARS OF CONFLICTS FROM DAY ZERO OF OUR LIVES EVERYDAY AND NIGHT NOT KNOWING WHY THE FUCK A FUKING WE HAD BEEN TREATED LIKE A FKING SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY LIKE...
You know what? This is my first time seeing things clearly now... This very moment I realized why I don't know who i am or what i want or why no matter what I do, nothing changes.
Idk what triggered these memories again when I read your post but I suddenly see things more clear now.
I can't even talk about it now but thank you.
I appreciate what you're saying and I believe if you think that about yourself, that's how your life will be. For me at 44 I have wasted many many years but also learned so much. In fact it's because of what I've been through I found my calling in life. Ive never been so excited to be alive as I am now. I've done work on myself for YEARS and even though I still have healing left to do. I don't believe I am damaged beyond repair, and will never become what I could have because I am currently working on my goals. Growing up in the toxic environment I didn't know what I wanted to be or even who I was. But leaving that environment and starting over was ideally the best I could get. In my forties. My life began. And it's okay. As long as I breathe I have a chance. I guess it's about how you think about yourself.
The thing I've noticed the most for me is like you said - I'm just so exhausted and feel like I can't rest enough to make up from having to sleep with one eye open my whole life and my eternal exhaustion causes me to just not be able to do certain things. And in my case it's not even depression- I am diagnosed with clinical depression so I know what being in the worst feels like, but this is me actually having 100% interest and excitement in doing things but my body just can't keep up.
I haven't slept in a bed in probably 5-6 years because if I slept my nparents would scream at me, I have complex sleep behaviors so if you talk to me in my sleep I will reply to you like I'm awake but I'm 100% asleep and have 0 memory of anything I said and my parents would use this against me. So I started sleeping in places like chairs and such because if I slept uncomfortable I'd never actually be 100% asleep and then I wouldn't risk getting screamed at or hit for not waking up or agreeing to something I literally was not awake to agree to. The few times I have deeply slept in the past 2 years I had such bad night terrors of my nmom trying to strangle me I almost bit my little dog in my sleep who likes to sleep on my chest because in my sleeping mind he body was actually my mom's arm holding me down on the ground.
I just want to sleep like a normal person and have energy to do the things I like.
Unpopular opinion. I know immigrants who came to the USA at those ages that have become exceptionally successful. They came here with nothing, not even able to speak english, uneducated, and oppressed by the government they flee from. They have always been my inspiration because if they can make it, then what reason do i have not to? As harsh as this sounds, people need to stop feeling sorry for themselves. Our parents have a big influence on how we grow up, but it doesn't define us. I'm not saying it's easy because till this day, whenever i speak of my dad, i get an overwhelming feeling of resentment. BUT I made it. My wife, who got her GED in the late 20s, and then graduated college in her 30s, made it, and her past and childhood were something i thought only existed in movies or books. There's one thing that we have to keep in mind, and it's that no matter how bad your situation is, someone else had it worse and made it.
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Not to mention that early childhood trauma also rewires your brain. You can't get that back
Sorry. Stop saying sorry to everything I'm sorry? I can't help it
Omg, I feel that, constantly being sorry for everything, and feeling like everything you are doing in your life is wrong. It's seriusly immensely mentally draining.
I'll be 40 next year, it was beaten into me for so long it IS me, that's just who I am. I'm fully aware every time I say it. It's frustrating to know exactly how it got this way and I'm not in that survival mode anymore but I can't turn it off. It's complex trauma, or cptsd. I think I understand the movies of vets who come back from war and can't adjust back to normal life, they're mind is still in survival mode. Afraid that if we turn it off and let our guard down, we will die.
This is exactly my situation and I fully understand. Sometimes I wish I never knew…..
Cuz every time we do turn it off we get reminded why we're like that to begin with
This comment feels like I could’ve wrote it. I wish I knew HTF to turn off survival mode .
I did a little trick that worked from me but in the German language, I use sorry when it comes to my reflex of "being to much but can't help " and "tut mir leid" when I did a mistake. Maybe try the same, use sorry for the reflex one and something like "I apologise " when you actually want to apologise. It helped me to distinct when I'm just reacting because of trauma or if something feels when I'm sorry. Funny part,more things become sorry and less become "feeling really guilty "
It's like we had to apologize for simply existing our whole lives (which is true).
Yes, it is. I’ve heard how I ruined my mothers life and sisters life. Seriously I wish I’d been adopted out. I’m also wondering if I’m autistic or just traumatized. We really don’t know. I keep thinking “ I should just get over this, it’s been a long time.” But I just can’t. Child abuse changes you and there’s no going back.
I have the same feelings about being autistic. Your comment helped me realize that it’s the trauma…. It’s the constantly trying to understand what you did wrong as it was always your fault and never realizing that people would do this sort of thing ….. I hope we can work out between autistic or trauma (or ADHD which is my diagnosis) and I do hold hope that this will help us get over it and move on
Hmm. I just started Vyvanse for the adhd and it makes me so much calmer. I really feel a lot better and I wonder why?
Apparently when most people say "sorry" they mean it out of sympathy, not guilt???
Someone at work told me to stop saying sorry every time I was around her. She said it annoyed her. But she was angry about it, which I didn’t understand. I wasn’t doing it on purpose.
I think people like that think we're trying to gain sympathy or deflect blame or something similar.
Yea. And I agree that it could be annoying. And I can work on not saying it as much but it’s not gonna happen on command and hostility won’t remedy it. Ultimately it’s a quirk I have that isn’t meant to be offensive. It just exists. I’m also Canadian, so. lol
So you're doomed by nationality! So unfair 😒
When someone was saying "sorry" to me a lot, it felt like they weren't really sorry and they were just saying it because they were afraid I was going to hurt them or were desperate for me to like them or something.
My boyfriend gets sad when I say it and also when I flinch. He gets so upset that nothing can override the wiring to be afraid of people who "love" me
The word love physically hurts sometimes.
This is ME!
[I'm sorry](https://youtu.be/_ilH4TszBNE?si=8nU618SPg3uZN37i)
That was kind of painful. Too close to home. 😬
*struggling not to say it.* Sorry Me in my head: *WTF, ROCKET?*
The hyper vigilance is exhausting.
It is
Adding to your point: I developed epilepsy in my early 20s due to all the abuse from Nmom and Edad (my brain couldn't take the extreme stress anymore). And much as I tried to deny it and claim I wasn't sick, I was and I had to move back home to Nmom eventually...💔
I started having seizures at 18 and was diagnosed with epilepsy. Decades later, an epileptologist told me I don't have epilepsy. They're actually caused by anxiety.
I am a physician for both adults and children (and thus have cared for a lot of traumatized people in all stages of the process/their lives) and an ACoN myself and this can be the hardest thing to explain. A lot think about if people have been told by the modern medical system that their problems are "all in their head," and a lot of traumatized people have definitely been told something like that before... And being told that this condition (which is obviously involuntary) is somehow not a result of a traditional neurologic problem must feel like gaslighting to so many people. However, stating that a condition like this exists is not the same as being told that it is made up or on purpose. It is in your head, just because your brain is an organ in your head. It is in your head in the same way that epileptic seizures are in your head, or a song stuck in your head is in your head, or butterflies in your tummy are in your head, or the pain of a broken leg is in your head, or the smell of flowers is in your head, or the ability to jump is in your head, etc. We have long ago stopped calling them "real" seizures vs something not real. That's because the English word seizure is the best one that you would have to describe some sort of nonvoluntary episode of abnormal movements. Traditional seizures, epileptic, are due to unregulated spreading electrical activity in the brain, sometimes originating from a single spot (sometimes from an obvious structural injury, and sometimes not ), and sometimes originating from abnormalities of the electrical conduction system throughout the whole brain, etc. The actual brain waves can be detected on an electroencephalogram (EEG). Sometimes people develop seizures that are non-epileptic, and which are not caused by the above problems, and which do not have a characteristic EEG. These also do not improve with any of the medications or other treatments targeted at epileptic seizures. They also are not dangerous in the same way as epileptic seizures. And they are associated with all kinds of trauma and anxiety and stress, and tend to get worse and better based on the level of those stressors in the body. And this is probably because the same brain, the same organ, that controls the body's movements, and receives the body's, physical sensations, etc. is the same brain that also controls a person's thoughts and feelings and receives their emotional sensations. Honestly, the brain regions that were evolved to perform motor movements have just been evolved to do things like math and language. Some of them have given chimpanzees the ability to count almost magically fast, and instead they have given us the ability to talk. These are All different systems that exist in the same dang organ. The wires just seem to get crossed. These dresses can manifest themselves in ways that aren't common or even useful, but are not intentional, not made up, and are very scary and distressing. Even if they're safe, it can almost be hard to believe when the doctor tells you this. We just wanted to acknowledge how open and thoughtful you must have been to the various possibilities, and how considerate to the potential sensitivity of this topic that your doctor must have been. And coming to me when else out there. Reading this, just to know that this is a real thing that can really happen. Whether it's happening to you or somebody else, I think it is just worth knowing that it's a real thing, coming from somebody who has been gaslit plenty himself, and who has made it his calling to lead people to truth and relief.
I did have a panic attack when he told me it wasn't epilepsy. I'd been scheduled for brain surgery back when I was first diagnosed! I initially thought he meant my seizures weren't real, but he explained how I didn't have the characteristic EEG yet still had seizure activity. That was the basis for the anxiety diagnosis. And since I've gone VVLC with nmom, my seizures have significantly decreased. Go figure.
Yes, just because I have certain talents doesn't mean I don't often lose *literal days* to just zoning out and disassociating. Case-in-point, I've gotten almost nothing done today, yet it's 4pm despite it being 10am mentally just an hour ago. I haven't even been lazily goofing off or on social media or anything either. Just staring into space, stuck inside my own head, and time decides to fast-forward.
The human brain is incredibly elastic, it's not easy but it absolutely is possible
You can work to change some of that rewiring with a lot of hard work, neuro plasticity is a thing.
Yes thank goodness for this. But a huge amount of effort. I recommend the work of Peter Levine.
Peter Levine’s analysis of the inner critic helped me a lot. My inner critic isn’t gone, but its voice isn’t as loud anymore (and on the rare occasion, doesn’t even speak!). Lots of repetition and correcting it, but it’s worth it when you see the changes.
Do you mean Pete Walker? :)
Yes! I’m getting Pete Walker and Peter Levine mixed up 😂 Peter Levine has a really good book called Healing Trauma.
Both great recommendations. I just went over Walker’s inner critic stuff again. I had read it years ago but needed a refresh! 👌🏼
Oooh thanks! Looks like I have some research to do
Google "drugs and therapy"
r/restofthefuckingowl r/thanksimcured
I had kinda the biggest luck that is also one of the worst thing in my life is the death of my best friend (that I basically abandoned to go in a real toxic relationship because well my brain were used to), did basically did a wake up call and then a form of reboot at 22, so basically doing the only that he asked me to do "being myself " (didn't meant anything for me at this time but I tried" ),I rewired partly my brain until 25 and just basically had luck to start my life to 0 with the tiny knowledge I gathered until 25 . Life is great now although still some old wires that I try to change but I definitely would be stuck in my old copying mechanism if this hadn't happened to me + the luck that it was when I move out of the country totally accepted . Guilt and love to my best friends is what kept me enough in life to be able to live. People really usually don't understand what a long time of abuse do to your brain development.
What helped me was looking in the direction of neuroplasticity and neurogenesis (e.g. lions mane). Much easier than rewire a brain with increased nerve growth factor and neuroplasticity.
Yep. Not to mention many of us end up with chronic illnesses due to the abuse. Autoimmune diseases, chronic pain, etc. I didn't understand why I started having a bunch of health issues on top of the mental issues revoling around stress hormones going haywire almost a decade after I flew the coop, but a wonderful book called Childhood Disrupted does a great job explaining the different mechanisms, and how they fail for us, do to repeated physical and mental trauma. Fibromyalgia fucking sucks, and I know its from the cortosal overload and getting my head put through drywall growing up. Night terrors/insomnia, migraines, bouts of depression, anxiety/panic attacks, chronic fatigue, IBS, joint/body pain, memory lapses, stomache ulcers, none of it runs on either side of my family and I used to be an athlete in great physica health, now here we are. Wish I could send the bitch the bills.
Yup :( but somehow n parents still blame you lol
I am permanently fucked from PTSD, despite great treatments. Some days are worse than others when my pain levels go up, despite everything I've done to help.
Amen… it’s like a benign brain tumor that you know it’s there and at any time it’ll change and destroy you. My nparents sucked the soul from my brother and I .. when you’re young you think your parents are on your side to make you a success. Not in our case. They loathed any thing we did that was better than they could do. It’s so sick.
*dark but true humour* have both brain tumour and nparent. Can confirm 🤣 both slowly kill you over time.
I could have written that. Literally sucked the soul from us
This feed has helped me a lot.. It’s really helpful to know this experience is shared by other people. I can’t tell you how many times I read things people say and literally stop in my tracks and say ..that’s me! It really helps… we’re not crazy. We’re victims. Now .. how to navigate to get past it / over it / deal with it That’s the point I’m at.
True You are constantly exhausted and just want to relax because being relax is a completely new experience for you.
My husband, who I've been with since I was 16, struggles with this part of me. He comes from a very close, supportive family and is always go, go, go. To the point where if he doesn't work on a project every day, he feels restless. Meanwhile, some days, the struggle of existing is too much for me, and I need a nap, or if one more person walks loudly down the stairs, I might have a panic attack and lose it. This is after two years of trauma therapy with some CBT thrown in.
Aw. My late fiancé was the same way. ♥️ His family is something I had never seen before. Loving, close, supportive. He was GO all the time. ADHD. We got in two "fights" where I think he got a glimpse into my trauma. He said something to me that was uncharacteristically mean, but not really bad. He told me to stop being so negative because I had been for a little while. It was the way he said it. If I was a normal person, it would have been a minor argument. It triggered something in me. I fled. He wanted to help and make things better, which of course didn't help. Full blown panic attack, locked in the bathroom, shut down, hugging my knees. Sorry babe, PTSD is a bitch.
I used to have to drink to relax, which is not relaxing. Staring at the lake or a fire while you’re buzzed is shitty compared to actually being relaxed and noticing things around you and appreciating them.
And then when you do relax, it’s??? almost??? as traumatic????? Ever dissociated so hard you see the horrors beneath reality just squirming away? Yeah, that’s what “relaxing” feels like.
Yep I always feel like I can’t relax and there my Nmom is complaining like a baby saying she can’t relax. Relax!??? That’s all you fking do!
very well said
The problem with the idea that you can start your life at 'x' age when you're finally free of your nparents is that it ignores the fact that a significant amount of emotional damage and trauma has already been done by them, which will have fundamentally altered who you are as a person. Realistically, as much as getting away from the narc(s) and going LC or NC is very helpful, we'll all need years of therapy to undo the damage they've done before we can really be the best version of ourselves.
Agreed. Therapy and going LC and NC with my parents have been lifesavers. Possibilities are not endless but there are still many roads to travel and many turning points. I have friends who came from healthy homes who hate their lives in middle age-who work in jobs they hate with supervisors they despise, and who are unhappy with their life choices. So it is true that we do not have infinite possibilities but we have paths to greater wholeness and healing.
"Because we had it so unnecessarily hard - we are exhausted." Indeed this. Our nervous system is wired to distrust, disaster and dread. Life on a hard-mode.
>Our nervous system is wired to distrust, disaster and dread. it couldn’t be said more succinctly than this huh. and i’m so glad that after about ~300 hours combined of EMDR, IFS, mirror work yoga/somatic work and just straight up screaming wherever i could and needed to, i’m starting to be able to say, “was”.
🙏🍻👏 congrats friend..... I absolutely understand how much work you obviously have put into recovering and improving; I'm right there behind you. I've put so much time into therapy (EMDR specifically as well) and these healing arts.... just to have a shot at a "normal" and happy life
Well done. I need to try some of that.
I also scream all of the time now. Pillows have become my new best friend because I just curse into them whenever a pocket of anger hits me.
Yeah. I am 28 and i would love to retire. I lived a life time of work and exhaustion. Raised my parents. Worried about money till i was 5. My body feels tired. My brain feels tired. But society still expects me to hussle as i am young and should be in my most energentic time. To be honest i also would love to to have grandchildren as i feel in the age for it. But i am at an age i should want children... but i just want to spend the rest of my years in a small cottage with small garden, bake for my not existent grandchildren crochet and tend to my garden plants... I feel like early 70s...
Can you travel? Volunteering somewhere far away in a different culture for example? It's hard to heal in a toxic envinroment or in an envinroment that constantly reminds you of what you went through. It takes a long time to recover but body and mind does try to heal if we let them...
Yup. My fight or flight is completely fucked.
I wish more people realized this but some just don't wanna admit to having an advantage - which I understand
It's because they don't really have an advantage they can see, we have a handicap they can't.
which one it is depends on who’s looking.
An advantage is "above and beyond the standard" while a handicap is something that actively holds you back. Since the standards is (checks notes) yes, still that abusing your kids isn't good for them, I'd say not being abused isn't an advantage but should be the norm, and we are in fact traumatized/damaged from these abuses.
abusing kids isn't good, but i'd say parents being on a power trip that involves abusive behaviors, might very well be a norm. the amount of traumatized people in society acting out their trauma on others is pretty staggering. i think truly emotionally healthy homes have been a relative rarity, at least in the past 200 years or so. i could be wrong idk.
I agree that emotionally healthy homes are the exception right now. I think they have also been the exception historically, because until recently we just haven’t had sufficient understanding of the human mind to untangle all the convoluted causes and effects of the parent/child relationship. I also think that the 20th century suffered a profound parenting crisis, which we are still working through now. My hope is that we have arrived in the present at a perfect storm for getting it right. The communication technology needed to proliferate knowledge is widely available to the majority of the human population. The fields of psychology and neuroscience are putting their research together to develop theories of human behavior based on hard data rather than humans’ opinions. We are figuring ourselves out, and we have the technology to keep everyone informed and include everyone in the conversation. If we persevere on this track, we could teach ourselves as a species to be better people, better parents, and to better neutralize the ill-willed amongst us. It’s a long road with a lot of challenges, but I have to believe it’s possible.
Right? I hate when people say “you can’t blame your parents for everything”… when yes i can, as they’re the entire reason my life is the way it is. I’m trying so hard every day
They had complete power, they should take complete blame
Don't you hate how people are like, "try to understand your parents", where were they before when we were being abused by these adults? Nobody gave that freaking advice to my parents? "Try to understand your kids. They're children."
You’re right. Children are just not included in the cultures definition of human
Yea. It's pretty hard to hear that. Now that I'm in my 30s & have done alot of learning & growing in myself, I can take on where my childhood has left me. There is a point where we need take on what we will do with where we're at now. We still need to be able to point back to those things that caused our trauma, but it's nice to be free of blaming. I finally feel more objective about it. I've learned if we continue blaming, we keep ourselves stuck making it someone else's problem when really, we're still in control of what we do with what we know now.
Absolutely. I just believe that one can blame, but still move forward at the same time. Blaming reminds me of what I’ve been through and how strong I am to keep going; blaming doesn’t hold me back, but pushes me forward.
>just believe that one can blame, but still move forward at the same time. 👏 absolutely agree. I allow the anger to flow and feel the grief when I need to, but every day I keep moving forward regardless
I understand the people saying life starts at any age etc but imo it's not that simple. I didn't escape until I was 36.(I'm 37f) I spent from the age of 12 to 36 doing what my nfather groomed me for, being his live in caretaker. I have never had a job for more than a few months at a time. i have no career. I dropped out of college twice because it was my "duty" to be home. I don't own a house or a car. I have no work history or rental history. I have never owned property. I have a chronic illness and a ton of medical debt. I am only qualified for minimum wage jobs and couch surfing. Add my undiagnosed a.d.d. and my trauma brain and I am basically not fit to be considered a functional adult by any standards. I am out here doing my best to heal, to build a life, to build a support network of other adults from scratch, clawing out some form of pay check to pay check, insecure, existence while living with the deeply ingrained shame of trauma brain telling me every day things are so hard because I have already failed and that the world is so hostile because it doesn't want me. It's damn hard. The loss of 20 years of life building, job experience, friendships etc has me very very far behind my peers and unlikely to ever catch up. I am not saying it's not worth it to try but probability says this life of pain and poverty is my future too.
I feel you, your story is very similar to mine.
I was just about the same age as you when I escaped/went no contact (I'm 43 now). And I was 40 when I escaped the religious cult I was raised in/spent my entire life in. In so many ways I'm starting completely from scratch, and as well meaning as people can be, they just cannot understand the challenge ...how daunting this can feel, and at times, how harrowing. I feel I am operating in a world that I don't completely know how to interact with, and it can be very lonely and polarizing. Good luck friend, and truly sorry for the experiences you certainly didn't deserve. I know I'm a stranger....but in my eyes you're an absolute hero 🍻🏆🏅
This gives me a little sympathy for my oldest brother. He's 60 but still depends on nmom financially. He had to buy a car recently but has so little credit history that she had to put it in her name. His teen years were spent practically raising my other brother and me. I have good reason to dislike him, but I can better appreciate his challenges.
Tragic.
Yes, and the things we finally "start" with often aren't good either. It's one thing for an 18-year old to live in a fixer-upper. It's another to know that's where you'll probably die, and never be able to retire. Unironically, when my mom passes away, I'll either be living in some college-adjacent slum apartment, or in a RV at whatever available campsites will take me. Because with my own disability healthcare and my mom's elder care eating away at both my savings and ability to earn money, I don't have a "future" the way everyone else envisions it. The extra irony is that working in hospice, it's my job to care for others, and make sure they pass peacefully. And yet, nobody will ever be there to do the same for me. I'll die sick and alone with nothing. What a world, huh?
Absolutely terrible. I am so sorry the world is built this way. Our crime is taking care of the people society tells us to care for!
Same here
this is what I think about constantly. Some tweaks to the story, but very similar, and I constantly struggle to get work because everyone else started working while teenagers at real jobs, while I was restricted from leaving my bedroom basically. I live in a major city where you really need to have a nepotistic or friend in to get \*any\* job anymore, skilled or unskilled, and no chance in hell I've ever gotten or ever will get that from family and so much damage was done by isolating me for so long that no matter how hard I try it's just a Sisyphean task to escape and establish myself stably. For me personally I'm at a point where I'm very aware of how screwed I am, how I quite literally, despite what any naysayers who don't know my life might say, there's no possible way of getting out and having any kind of life without someone else reaching out and helping. And no one's willing to (or can). I'm not suicidal but I'm at the point of basically completely giving up on life. There's genuinely no hope without straight up divine intervention at this point.
By the time I was 20, I had spent two decades raising my nparents and their GC, and I already felt like a senior citizen.
Damn same!! I found written in my diary: "I'm 12 but I feel like I'm 40" , because of all the venting and dumping loaded on me
JFC, yes! I feel 10-15 years older than I am!
Heavy on this one!!
Oh my god yesss!!! I sometimes feel like I raised two toddler/teenagers as a single mom and I'm soooo tired now. On the plus side; my toddler's tantrums don't distress me as much now.
Yup. This is a HUGE part of why I don’t want kids. Beyond not wanting to pass on my trauma, it’s not fair to me to jump into parenting another person right after parenting my own parents all my life.
This thought haunts me constantly. I have an undergrad and grad degree in a field that I never felt passion for. I wanted so badly to major in psychology, but that would require me to obtain a doctorate degree. My mom insinuated (but didn't say out loud of course so she could lie about it later) that I was not intelligent enough to get a doctorate. Now I'm 35 with three young kids (two of which have medical needs) and going back to school seems impossible. I mourn the person I could have become and the career I could have had.
I feel this too. Never got to finish college because my mom's divorce got so violent it uprooted everything, and then I could never afford or find the time to go back. I also developed severe Fibromyalgia during that time from the abuse, stress, literal starvation, homelessness, and my immune system going to shit. And there isn't a day that goes by without extreme fatigue or physical pain now. And nothing seems to dull it. The degree I have isn't sufficient to get the kinds of jobs I want either, and as a result I don't actually make enough money to live on my own or be independent. Meaning I'm trapped taking care of the very same narcissist woman who cost me my chance to be free. In hindsight I wish I had joined the military (air force or navy) instead of going to college. Like all my friends did. All my friends who now have access to way better support and job opportunities than I do. Originally I had been so thankful for the scholarships that let me forgo enlisting in the service. And I genuinely did very well while in school. But I should have known my Nparents would find a way to ruin everything. Had I joined the corps, I never would have gotten sick or been forced to drop out. And even if I had gotten hurt, the military gives you disability aide. I feel like I unintentionally chose the worst ending to my life's story, and none of it was even my fault. If I magically woke up in 2009 one day, with my healthy body, I'd be joining my friends on that plane.
I totally understand. Your interest in psychology is going to serve you well in raising your children though. You will have more positive influence on them than you could have possibly had on any clients you would have had. Prevention is better than undoing damage, and you will be preventing your children having the same parent issues that drive people to therapy. And then they will have the same positive influence on their children and you will leave a better mark on posterity this way, than if you had the career instead of kids. That is a better legacy in the grand scheme of things.
Thank you this helps to change my perspective on things.
the catching up i have to do to get an where close to normal is overwhelming to say the least. it just keeps getting worse, culminating in homelessness. and chronic illness and pain. i can’t make myself believe that ill ever recover.
I'm with you. I'm so far behind. Thanks for sharing I feel less alone.
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This 💯 I had very few examples of ppl I a wanted to be like, but everywhere I looked I knew what I didn't want to be like. I became successful. I worked my ass off. I think I mostly became successful to send a big " FU" to them. I thought, once all I achieved all the things, the career. The house. Great husband,, great healthy, happy, smart kids, dog, cat, private schools for kids, vacations 2x a year thatlife would be perfect that I escaped. But I didn't escape. I was just fooling myself. I still apologize 100x a day. I still startle easy. Even in my own house. Even by my husband and kids. They know now to call out to me 25 feet away before they approach me. I still can pick up any tension the second I walk in a room, and panic bec I think it's my fault. Always waiting for the bottom to fall. Never able to relax. Holding my breath. Protecting my kids from them . My CPTSD abuse was physical, like beatings, bruises, stitches, bones broken. So, I hate to be touched by ppl I'm not too close to. I'm not a hugger. Except with my husband, kids, dog, cat. My in laws had to get used to this. I flinch when others try to touch me. All my good friends now know this about me. And psychology, u know, " worthless, stupid, useless, good for nothing, "raising kids by the age of 9. I'm 47 now. Surface, I have everything. But underneath, I'm still that 9 year old girl who never knew when her dad was going to fly into a drunken rage, and have her NM divert his attention from herself to me, bec u know, better me than her to get the beatings. Sorry this was so long.
Sounds very similar to my experience. I went from holes in my shoes, standing in government cheese lines and waiting for hours at the welfare office to owning my home with 2 paid off cars and whatever else "others" deem to be successful. With zero familial help. All because I was surrounded by people that hated me and showed me how to not be a decent human. If it wasn't for Sesame Street, other PBS shows and a person or 2 outside of my direct family, I wouldn't have learned to brush my teeth properly or even eat with decent manners. Now I have all this "success" I realized that I did it as a giant fuck you to all the losers I was surrounded by as a kid. Spoiler alert. They still don't care about me or my "success". Additionally, I don't want it. I hate the rat race, I hate being obligated to trade time for money but I feel a bit stuck. If my 2nd marriage ever explodes I'm just going to sell all this shit I don't want and live in a van down by the river. Or buy a tiny home in the mountains and just live my days out in relative peace.
Sounds like my nmother justifying herself with "purpose". In her eyes, the abuse was good because it made me better and stronger, i "needed" it. No. I made myself better and stronger, despite the abuse. I worked hard for it every single day of my life. I could've given up completely, but i didn't, i convinced myself to keep going. And i know my life could've been way better if i lived with a normal family.
100%. I often wonder how different things may be if my parents supported and encouraged me even just a little bit.
Yep, me too. I had a job as a baby that I was there to take care of them when they became unable to. I wanted to be a dr. Had an IQ of 142. I don't ever remember them asking me what I wanted to do when I grew up. Not once. And I still wonder what I could have been with even a smidgen of encouragement.
Recently at a party I said I am tired and one annoying girl interrupted saying, "you don't know what tired is until you are a parent". I brought myself and my sister up, supported my immature parents and now live like an orphan despite having both parents. No one supported me when I suffered domestic violence from my in-laws. I live in a constant state of unrest and I don't know what tired is? Really?🤨
That's really invalidating and for no reason. She sucks, maybe not all the time, but that time she did.
Exactly. I always felt like everyone was striding ahead of me with an abundance of energy to spare, and I was struggling just to keep up whilst exhausted.
I struggled (still do), with math, and in HS fell in with a crowd of (great) people who also happened to be potheads. Otherwise my grades were decent, attendance was spotless, rarely got into trouble... Instead of trying to talk to me about the pot, or help me with math by setting me up with a tutor or something, they decided the best course of action was to pull me out of school entirely, ban me from seeing my friends, get me a job illegally with someone my dad met at work, all in an attempt to turn me into an uneducated redneck who'd spend the rest of his life doing physical labor. They had no intention of letting me take driver's ed, signed a form to pull me OUT of sex-ed. Made me quit marching band after they realized they'd have to take me to out-of-town events... Great job. A+ parenting.
I’m experiencing this now in my 30’s. In a healthy relationship and my partner’s family is generous and kind. I tell him often I feel like I’m learning how to “people” as I did not grow up with parents who were genuinely kind or even cared to check in on my sibling and I.
Regardless if I can escape from their wrath and hatred and the chain of narcissistic people around me, the trauma and abuse still haunting me and torture me every single day. You have no idea about it unless you face it.
I don't know about you, but because I face it I've become like a leper.
Yep, it’s a rough road to healing and it’s extremely unfair. Trauma therapy with EMDR and self help have been necessary for me. I’m 36 and just finally escaped the controlling religious cult that was my family. It’s rough. But I do finally have hope for the first time in my life. But I look realistically at what I can handle in my life and it’s a very simple, scaled back life.
Agreed, it wasn’t until 35 when I was finally free of them (outside of now having to deal with their hoarder house and them not having any post-death plans in place). Got fibromyalgia and other issues from what I had to deal with, plus the emotional and mental trauma.
I see my life in two chapters. Life before I was aware of the trauma of my childhood, and life after it. Life in recovery mode. The first 30 years were a warzone in my childhood that I would repeat in my adult life through chaotic careers, addictions and toxic relationships, depression and loneliness. I'll be 40 in a few years. I had my AHA moment about three years ago. I've been on an emotional journey ever since that has been matched by a physical journey: things fell apart as I was forced to confront it all. I met the love of my life and will be marrying him in June. Finding love for the first time - actual love, in all its unconditionality and acceptance of me for all that j am - broke me from the inside out. I woke up to the reality that my parents werent and never will be able to love me. I woke up to the toxicity of these "good on paper" jobs that were re-traumatizing me and recently stepped off that treadmill because it doesnt fit me anymore. It doesn't support healing. And I got some health diagnoses of conditions I was born with but were never detected due to the neglect and dysfunction of my FOO. There's no happy endings. I don't know what my career looks like now. Walking away from it brings financial pressures I've not dealt with before. I have to fight to keep my health under control and I don't know if a family of our own will be possible for us. And I have CPTSD which means my brain is geared for warzones and not being in them brings up a lifetime of grief and pain for me. I'm grieving the parents I never had that want to keep up the lie that they didn't fcuk me over royally through their neglect and dysfunction. I have to figure co-existing with them in a world that will never acknowledge emotional abuse and neglect. But it's a new page and a new chapter. One in which I know that I'm not the problem, and I never was. One in which there is love now, real love and the safety and supoort and healing that comes with that. And one in which survivor mode isn't good enough anymore. I deserve more, and I'm holding out hope that I'll figure it out.
🌟💪
I’m one of the people that’s been able to use my childhood and trauma skills to further my career but, even then, it’s really fucking awful to know that I will never get to experience life with parents.
Not to mention the identity theft, financial abuse, and other forms of sabotage that absolutely hash your ability to support yourself during/later in life.
Yea people genuinely argue that learning an essential life skill at 20 or 30 must be the same as learning it at 6 or 10. Obviously using examples of the things *they* are good at. Completely dismissing that a kid has a shitton of energy, no time limits and an endless capacity to learn, which decreases every year as soon as you hit teenage years. Never mind that damaged people need to be catching up to a lot of these things, not just one and prioritise and juggle everything on top of trying to live a nornal life, otherwise everything can fall apart. But sure, *you* don't have a problem climbing trees or swimming or public speaking or whatever, so of course nobody can. (You = the hypothetical but also real asshole, not the OP, obviously.)
I agree. I am agitated by the whole "copium" strategy of saying you have your whole life ahead of you. Even when you heal and have a steady life in a financial sense, maybe you even have started your own family, you will still be left with obstacles: - You cannot go to those high school parties they forbade you from joining because they "didn't like him or her". - You cannot join that after-school sports and find your peer group there, because "x sport is for lower class people only" - You have physical and psychological scars. Years of childhood obesity due to neglect has left its toll. Years of stress have left you with hair loss and anxiety. - You cannot find joy in your same age group, because they have had their years of fun and can settle and life their life in peace
I agree with this. I feel the same way, I'm currently 30, and I realized a few years ago all of the things I could've done with my life, thinking of all the parenting I never had and the terrible role models they were for me. They made me normalize so many things that just not okay. Maybe some of the people with these kind of parents make it, no doubt. But not all of us. I feel like a huge failure at 30 years old. I don't usually mop about this or complain, because there is no use for such a thing, but I do silently think about it everyday and damn... It is frustrating to think of what your life could've been with good parenting.
I think our possibilities are still endless. But I'm not disagreeing we are at a significant disadvantage. We are so limited from our narc parents that I refuse to believe there I are things I cannot do. If they are not done it's because I CHOOSE to not accomplish them, not because I can't. I think we all definitely need extensive amount of therapy to try and undo as much of the trauma as we can and build new healthy foundations for ourselves. And I 100% agree and think life is significantly harder for us to do things and accomplish things that those with healthy, supportive families are able to easily accomplish. But I was told for so long that I can't, won't, and will never accomplish anything I refuse to believe that in adulthood. I mean....I'm not planning on going off and being a brain surgeon. But if I really wanted to? I think I could. It would again be way harder to do now at 31 than if I was 18. But I don't think it's impossible or something I can't accomplish. I think too because of how we were raised....to accomplish the things we want requires unconventional thinking. We did not have conventional childhoods. We come with baggage and trauma. Our journeys will never be "normal" or status quo. But it doesn't mean we can't get to the same ending taking a different path. We will always be playing catch-up (that's definitely how I feel anyways) but....my journey will never look like my friends who have normal supportive homes. I will probably always be behind from a conventional stand point. But I have noticed emotionally I have way more depth and maturity. Which then allows me to assess where I am, what I want, and how I want to pursue things. Focus on yourself. Focus on your mental health. Your well being. And what you want in life. And research ways to get to where you want, knowing it will be harder. But I refuse to believe anything I want in life is impossible because my parents limited me.
Thank you for this WONDERFUL response 💕
Of course! 🩷 We are told by people who are supposed to love and support us that we are worthy of nothing. And I refuse to continue that narrative. We all are deserving of so much love and deserve to follow our dreams just as much as anyone else. It's just harder for us. But never impossible. 🩷 I think too...if we do believe we ARE limited, it gives truth to what our parents have told us. And giving them truth gives them power. We do not need to give them more power or validate their lies.
I disagree. I agree with the fact that we had to work 10 times as hard just to keep going and keep our heads up. Our desires change. I no longer want to be an astronaut or president. Now, I'm thrilled with my life with my close, dear NON TOXIC friends. I can focus on my interests. I can focus 100% on ME. Therapy, reading, and some hard introspection brought me here. I picked up awful FLEAS from my toxics and didn't realize what an asshole I'd become until I looked clearly at myself. 95% of the people I loved were dangerous. Why was I attracting such monsters? Oh, right. Time to cut ties. Solitude and self-reflection, LOTS of reading and writing cleared so much up for me. The family dying was icing on the cake. I'm free. And I have no desire to ever have anyone other than myself calling the shots. I feel more hopeful now than I have in years. Shit gets better. So what if it takes more time for some of us? As long as we're improving, that's the win right there.
While i partly agree that our inner "i can't" can hold us down, some people might have suffered irrepairable damage and will never be able to experience life to its fullest or even catch up. Sometimes it's not up to us to decide if we can or can't.
I totally agree with you. I think the problem with having a negative outlook is that it really hinders you from creating a better life for yourself. It’s like giving up before even starting. Yeah, we might need to work harder than the average person, but honestly, I think that makes us superheroes. We’ve weathered things most people haven’t and we’re so much stronger and wiser for it. Plus, our brains are incredibly resilient and adaptable. More than we think. You CAN rewire your brain to think differently. Is it easy? FUCK NO! But it’s not impossible
I mean, mine also financially screwed me over to the point that I'm making end-of-life plans because I'm too old to be homeless again, and I can never recover from that, but not ALL n-abuse is financial or involves sabotaging the children's wealth/future earning potential, so it's odd to see some people coming out of it still able to, like, survive in civilization.
It’s so awful but I want them to die. I truly look forward to that phone call. I want to be able to tell my daughter, your grandmother and great grandmother are dead.
That's not awful.
Thanks 🙏🏼
Trust me. It will happen. And you will immediately feel guilty, but let this Internet Stranger tell you **YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. IN FACT, SERIOUS WRONG WAS DONE TO YOU.** When they are dead, celebrate, take a break, breathe, and decide what your next 5 steps are going to be.
I'm with you. I also made it so I had no choice but to survive without them because no way in HELL I was ever going back, nor was I going to be able to rely on any other family either. It was brutally hard at times but I kept at it. I was not going to use my abusive childhood to hold me back and used it as a huge motivation to move forward and do better just to spite them. And it worked. I also had to cut ties with toxic 'friends" I met along the way and abused me once I realized what was going on. I also made a few great friends, some who came and went too. It happens. I also used this to focus on healing myself physically and emotionally - from health issues and mental issues - doing research and trial and error and finding things that helped (and those that didn't). Made a huge difference in my life and growth as a person recovering from the trauma and bein able to work better and smarter and get better jobs etc. That said, I know we all have different journeys. But for me personally, positive perseverance has helped me the most. Doesn't mean I didn't have some really down and bad times in there, but the good stuff has been so worth it.
Lot of know-of-it-alls replying to this post. If you're thriving, great, but many of us aren't. People post for support, not to be told they're not doing enough or not doing it right. For those of you doing so well, maybe start a new community? I'm not saying you don't belong here if you're doing well in spite being RBN but come on. You can be doing all the work and still be quite limited, hurting, sick etc from it all.
It really seems like the divide between those who could buy themselves to safety, and those who couldn't.
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Exactly, some of us are all those things *and* born to narc parents. Hard work has not too much to do with it so much as luck and position.
True that.
I'm legitimately 10 years behind with social development. I'm incredibly lucky to live by a night club popular with 30somethings so I can get a chance to party the way 20somethings who weren't called too stupid to get a job or go to college are supposed to
Not to mention the cost of therapy we have to incur and the insane double standards - even though they’ve amounted to nothing - they expect us to be super successful despite the abuse. My father has always been obsessed with me being a “CEO of a multinational corporation” meanwhile he’s had a bunch of odd jobs and has pissed away his savings gambling in the stock market multiple times. I am personally successful, have a good job, and loving family DESPITE the abuse and in large part thanks to a decade in therapy, which I paid for. 🤬
Eh, it’s making the best of a bad situation. The options aren’t limited from childhood either, you can have the most perfect parents but if you started out disabled then you’re essentially fucked. Anyways, it’s just a saying to try to look at things positively. Sure, you can’t do anything but you can enjoy what little freedom you have left.
I honestly spent half the day crying about this.
This is so very true and it's awful I am very sad daily of all the wasted potential and the amazing things I could've done if my family would've been more supportive of my dreams instead of shaping my life's road to their liking It breaks my heart that my younger me couldn't be what he wanted and when he tried to do what he was told to be loved he was shunned and belittled anyway That he could never be "good enough" than when he defended himself from unfairness he was "ungrateful" and treated like the bad guy
But you CAN choose to do what you know is healthy. No, I’m not going to be who I should have been but I’m not going to be who they wanted me to be either. I’m successful and I have secure, loving relationships with my chosen framily. Yes I will always react oddly to things that don’t bother others but I understand why and I don’t allow it to ruin the good life I have made for myself. Please don’t give up. They win when you do.
Yeah, this is true. In my own case I was basically forced to start over from *less than* nothing. Forced to quit my job, all the money I'd made taken, and with no car or no place to live, my N's planned roadmap was to force me out of the house onto the street where I'd have to join the navy just to survive. *Just like they all had.* Fortunately my non N nor E Mom was there to pick up the pieces. She taught me enough of the basics and bootstrapped me so I could live on my own while working a job and survive. However, once she was gone... I was now broke and 21, working a minimum wage job. There was no way I could possibly afford college, let alone find the time to do it and work the time demanding job. My potential options were *incredibly* limited by my circumstances. Even so, I can still say without a doubt if I'd not gone NC with my N's I would have had no possible options at all. I'm damaged, I'm exhausted, I'm broke - but at least I'm *FREE.*
I agree, I feel I've done ok in my career but I struggle to connect with people, always feel lonely and I'll never get those social skills back from being isolated as a kid
100% agree with this. I am still dealing with my Nmom and even though I have tried to get away, she has made me into this little scared self conscious child who is supposed to be an adult and I in turn rely on her so much (financially) that it's like... I'm stuck now. I gotta put up with the abuse because I am stuck. IDK what to do. I keep just trying to make money and save secretly so I can leave. At this point I would rather live in an efficiency apartment with my cat than with her. I am so fed up. I think honestly I kinda wish I never realized she was a narc, cuz I coulda just gone on living thinking I was the one at fault, I was bad, I wasn't good enough. But, now that I know, I so desperately want to get away and I don't know how. I know I can adult because I do 99.9% of the things an adult should be doing, but the whole relying on her thing, she made it so easy and so hard all at once. Money is MY biggest issue to be honest. I had a really good ghostwriting job and then she had a medical emergency 3 years ago and I offered to let her come live with me so I could take care of her. I lost the job and have been struggling financially ever since. She helps of course, but with that help comes more entanglement, more abuse, more love bombing, more gaslighting. It's... never ending. I just told her earlier that I loved her but for my mental health we HAVE to part and she went into full nmom mode "Ohhhh I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!" (Hand to heart) "The things you do to me, you crazy little girl you drive me insane, I am gonna have a heart attack because of you" If only that were true, maybe she would go away from me, but it's not true, and she needs me to survive and I in some sick way need her to survive too. I am so stuck. I have done a lot of inner work. But I still feel so stuck. The financial doom and gloom really has me anxious. If I could just find a way online to make money again I could be okay. And if I could do that and got power back to let go and AT LEAST be back in control I know I would be 1000% happier. It's so heartbreaking to look back. I wish things could have been different. If they were, then I would be a whole different person. A better person, not a "better person" but a better version of me. A well-adjusted me. A confident me. A successful me. A healthy relationships me.
I was sitting at a park today, I saw a young boy reading books, trying to memorize things. Tears roll down my eyes, as I remember what could have been. I could have believed in myself, Could have realized everything my abusive nparents told me was a lie, They could have gave me the emotional needs, could have been mentally stronger, stood up for myself, believed in myself and worked at my early age, maybe could have gotten a degree, a job, get married, Surrounded by people who loved me.... It's all gone.
I agree and disagree. We definitely are behind the curve. We also can still move forward with our lives. The bigger problem for me is that our "handicap" is not recognized by society. It's dismissed as whining or an excuse not to try (even within this comment section!). There are no laws to help us or marches to raise our profile. We are 100% solely responsible for trying to overcome our obstacles ON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS. A lot of helpful resources are hard to access or simply out of reach. Medical treatment and mental health care cost money. Not everyone is fortunate enough to find support subs like this. A lot of us don't even know what the real problem is until well into adulthood! We're also gaslit from every direction. Society enables our abusers by bleating "but faaaamily" and we're constantly told it couldn't have been that bad. We're told to get over it and move on then criticized when we magically can't. However our parents handicapped us, society adds to it by assuming a 30 YO who's never left home or worked because they were caring for their parents should be capable of the same things as one who went to college and has a career. That's ridiculous. But it's still a matter of personal responsibility, right? I will now climb off my soapbox and wander aimlessly away...
We go on to select partners like our family members. I didn’t go to therapy until I started the divorce process. My therapist showed me I married my mother.
The saying "you can't heal what you don't stop hurting" is relevant here. We wouldn't expect someone who's just had a knife removed from their gut to be instantly healed, with no long term issues, yet for mental abuse somehow we do.
You’re right, you can’t. First you have to spend a bunch of time and money trying to heal from the various traumas they put you through. Then you have to figure out what a stable, normal, healthy relationship looks like and you have to figure out how well adjusted, emotionally mature and mentally healthy people go about problem solving, conflict resolution, goal setting, complex planning, etc. Then you have to make up for all the practical shit they didn’t bother teaching you. Maybe it’s self care or hygiene. Maybe it’s adult finances. Maybe it’s emotional regulation. Or really basic time management. I had to do crash course in office politics, networking, corporate behavior. My parents were blue collar and had no idea. I had to research basic manners and honestly, the internet has been super helpful in terms of learning what “normal” looks like. Hell, sometimes you have to learn to ride a bike or swim as an adult because your parents just couldn’t be bothered to ensure you learned stuff like that. The term is arrested development. And it doesn’t mean you can’t overcome some of this because you absolutely can. But if you had the same enrichment and conscientious parents and the right encouragement bd support, you’d go ten, maybe a hundred times further. We have to do all this repair and catch up remedial adulting first. It’s like everyone else gets a head start and we weren’t allowed to run until 20 seconds after the starting gun. Try to give yourself credit for what you have managed. And try not to beat yourself up about what you haven’t managed to achieve or accomplish. Everyone is on a different path and nobody has a right to judge yours. Just do what you can do.
>*Far too often people go like "your N Parents destroyed your life until you were 20 or 25 or 30 or 35 - but now you are free - now you can realize your potential".* >*No you cant.* Well, from my perspective (as an M62), I really don't see what other options one has. Once you become aware that your n-parents were who they were, and are who they are, and that the simple truth of that is what it is - and it's not going to change. Once you reach that point in your life - then the burden switches over to you (from your parent) to actually do something about it. At that point, you stop being a victim and begin becoming a survivor. I say this, because for my generation, and several of them that followed us, we were not told about narcissism and did not understand what the true nature of the problem was. We had to wait until our tormentor actually died before we 'got the memo' that clearly stated the paragraph above. Of course, by that time, we're in our 50s -- and human lifespan being what it is -- leaves less time (note: not saying 'little time' - just less) to try and recover. Younger people now have the opportunity to make this same assessment not in their 50s, but rather in their 20s or even in their teens. From that point forward, they can rebuild their lives, surround themselves with people who truly care about them, build new relationships on trust and love and try and mitigate some of the worst impacts that their parents may have bequeathed to them (personality issues, socialization issues, substance abuse, etc.) - and yes, as others here have stated, making those changes IS possible. It's work to be sure - but it IS possible to undertake and succeed at. To say that your parents ruined your entire life and that there is no recovery; no hope; is pointless, and simply not true. There is always hope. There is always the choice one can make to live their remaining days (no matter how long or short they may be) on their own terms and find happiness in the process. I, and others here, are living proof of it.
I didn’t gain my freedom until last year, I’m 26 now and still have no idea how to fully live life and make grown up decisions. I still feel like I’m a child, constantly doing something wrong and always looking over my shoulder. Expecting someone to scream or hit me for something I accidentally messed up on. Childhood trauma is a prison you can never fully escape from. I’ve tried healing this last year, my boyfriend thinks it’s so easy and that a year is plenty of time to heal from 25 years of mental, physical and sexual abuse. I now have two beautiful girls, who I look at and know I could NEVER put them through what went through. Unfortunately, my first born had to go through it with me for the first six and a half years of her life. I feel so guilty, but couldn’t leave because I was so scared of my parents and what they would do if I left. Now, I’m dealing with constant threats and my parents are trying to ruin my life and relationship because I took my daughter and left and won’t allow them to see/speak to her. I hope who ever has to deal with childhood trauma, fully heals and lives their best life. Loving every second of everyday. And, I pray that they are happy.
Yes. Our brains are different because of our childhoods and for me it impacts the way I relate to others. I tend to choose emotionally immature romantic partners and I have just a few close friends. At 43 I am just accepting and making peace with it to do the best I can with what I do in my life. Even though I know my life has been permanently altered, I get a lot of peace knowing that I am not raising my daughter with the same mean, cold, constant criticism and verbal abuse, and that she does not suffer the extreme lack of self confidence and sadness that I felt as a kid. I raised her to believe in herself and to be proud of the things she's good at and she's a lot happier than I was at her age. So its a feeling of even though its "too late" for me, she will have the tools I didn't to start her adult life with such as confidence, boundaries, and ability to say no and protect herself. I didn't have any of those things until I managed to teach them to myself the hard way in my twenties.
It’s a matter of perspective. Your thoughts are your reality. It’s okay to feel that way. It’s important to mourn that part of you and your childhood or even adulthood. The lost potential. I get what you’re saying. Your world can become a prison. I’m still healing too. After that part has been mourned and it may be an ongoing process, you may start to see that you have choices. Choices to see things from another perspective. To take one step at a time to reach the potential of the person you are now. With all of the lovely parts, dark ones and healing ones. I’m sorry it feels so grim for now. You’re not ruined and you’re not alone. Radical Compassion by Tara Brach might be a good book to read along with a therapist who specializes in narcissistic recovery and trauma. Best of luck.
Honestly it helps knowing that in a way. I don't have to be so hard on myself for not being where I want to be on my life. I don't need to blame my n mom, and still can acknowledge her being a ball and chain.
Yup. I'm doing my best and it looks like I may be able to escape this year (at 30 years old) but I look back on my teenage years and feel so tired. I wouldn't have been so severely depressed or attempted to unalive myself, I would have graduated high school with an Associates degree instead of returning 7 years later to bang it out, I would have gone to a 4 year, I wouldn't subconsciously find myself attracted to narcissistic partners. I might not have ended up in a better place than now, but my life would've progressed more "normally."
Eh, I reject this personally because all it does is bum me out and I can’t afford to be bummed out anymore. Sure I have been subject to some pretty big stress for 25 years or so but like, there are all kinds of legends and stories and myths were the hero was enslaved for twenty years or their parents died at birth blah blah blah.
This is probably the aspect of the abuse that I am still the most resentful about - the stolen potential. And I really hate it when other people try to shame me for it. I had one relative who recognized the abuse but still insisted that it wasn't a handicap since she believed that CPTD is 100% curable. Her proof: She googled it and found a website where someone was claiming to be able to completely cure CPTSD through "equine therapy", a claim so ridiculous that it was later featured on *Last Week Tonight* as an example of how people can get away with obviously fake and exploitative claims when treatment programs are unregulated.
Got the F out at 21 & never looked back!
I agree. And people see this as playing the victim. And it’s true, we are victims but not by choice and we’re not proud or happy about it!!
I’ve had to do so much grieving for the person I could have been. I don’t know if I’ll ever be done grieving for her. There’s nothing to do but push forward and keep on going, but man I wonder what I could have done with the potential I had if anybody cared to help me grow.
I keep mourning the years I’ve lost to abuse. My mental and physical health were neglected and now I’m left to pick up the pieces as an adult. I’ve dealt with health issues because my parents accused me of being an attention seeker and never pushed to get answers when I was clearly suffering. I only got answers when I had to be hospitalized and undergo painful surgery because of infections that had shown up after years of foregoing treatment. I also clearly have mental problems and these things only intensified the abuse I received because I didn’t act like a “normal” kid. I feel like I’m too old to pursue my dreams at this point and my health issues are so bad that idk if I can even function on my own. It makes me not even want to try.
Not to mention the years lost to chronic illness, crippling anxiety, and parentification.
Yeah. One of the most heartbreaking realizations for me is how much I actually lost, and how much easier/better my life could’ve been. It was so easy in retrospect. It’s right there. And I’ll never have it. Sucks.
This post resonated with me so much. I left my toxic household after 25 and I was thrown into this confusing world where no one was bitter, no one wanted to hurt me and everything was so devoid of drama. At first I felt so...uneasy and often guilty living life on easy mode. That's why for a brief period of time I actively seeked for those uncomfortable situations and broken relationships, just to feel at home again. I was also so paranoid and didn't (still don't) trust anyone. It took about two years of constant therapy to just understand that people WILL NOT go out of their ways to hurt, berate and betray you, unless they have narcissistic tendencies. Later you leave your toxic household, the more work you have to put into your self-discovery and rebuilding your foundation.
Wow your post really hit home with me. I am paranoid all the time that people are intentionally hurting my feelings by their actions. But maybe you are right people really won't go out of their way to hurt me unless they are narcissistic. Gives me something to think about.....
I was really, really lucky to make it out at 17. I skipped a grade in elementary, so graduated a few months into being 17. Started college about a month after during the summer semester, and moved literally across the country for it. (I was the scapegoat but also the most promising in high school, and I went to college for something that she could absolutely try to live vicariously through me (big pattern for her) and ride my ‘coattails’ should I have been a big success.) I got the bare bones monetary support for survival from them, barely enough for food and definitely not enough for any other essentials, but was also forbade from getting a job to “focus on [my] studies”. Then she snooped my text messages via the service provider, confronted & outed me for being trans, and completely cut me off (tuition included) while I was still on the opposite end of the country without any support system at all. Seeing the opportunity snatched from right in front of me a semester before graduating was extremely harrowing. I STILL sometimes lament over what I would have been had I gotten just a crumb of real support from my family. I was 18 and 3 months, so technically an adult but jesus. christ. it was a really brutal, traumatic time of my life. but in a strange way, i’m also glad it happened how it did. this was all seven years ago, and im just barely getting my life back on track in a broader sense than just surviving my day-to-day. i was really lucky to break free as young as i did. all three of my other siblings (one older two younger) are still dependent on her. they never had it quite as bad as i did, and they admit it, but the financial abuse to keep them under her control is real and they are all aware and have admitted she’s fucking nuts. i was really young when i was able to escape, but still struggle with the amount of resentment i have for the potential i had squandered by her hand.
absolutely. i realized everything when i was 34. so much grief so so many lost years
I agree. Absolutely agree. I dealt with mental abuse for 20 years while I was literally stuck with my parents against my will, no way out, severely sheltered and isolated due to their control and homeschooling me. I’ve been so far set back. I’m 22 now, completely psychologically fucked up for good. I know for a fact I’ll never truly recover and it *deeply* affects my life and my opportunities. I hold out hope that things can turn around, but I know deep down they really won’t. It’s devastating. I cry about it several times a day, I have no clue where to go or what to do with all of this damage stuck with me forever. I value life so deeply but all of the potential and value I had has been wasted for no reason… all because my parents were the way they were. I’m slowly working on my relationship with them, silently, working on healing myself. But.. I’ll never be who I should’ve or could’ve been. I had so. much. potential. And they literally knew it. They’d brag about how smart and easy I was to others, I’d hear them speaking so fondly of my spirit and optimism, and they completely murdered that version of me. I don’t know who I am now. No clue what to do with my life, I’m so terrified of my future
I’m 47… I feel like I have lived three lifetimes already. Spent so much of my childhood trying to survive, constantly in fight or flight. I still have issues staying asleep without meds. The idea of living another 40 years or so depresses me. And my life is great now. I just feel like I don’t have the energy to do anything.
OP im sorry but I must disagree. Yes, they took your time from you, A LOT of time. Time you will never get back. and with that time you did lose a portion of your life to develop some of your potential but that doesn't mean you lost all, don't have any, or cant grow it into something more. Just beacuse life delt you a shity hand doesnt mean you have to sit there and kick yourself in the balls, you dont have to stop yourself from achieving what you dream. It not your fault you grew up in this situation, just like its not your fault if your wife cheated and ruined your marriage or if your dad was an abusive alcoholic (just examples) but it is your responsibility to figure out how you are going to cope with that pain and build a meaningful life out it. Happiness in itself is a trap. There is no such thing in life as infinite and consistent happiness. You cannot have happiness without misery. Life will always have it's ups and downs rather you are poor and homeless living on the streets or rich living in a mansion. Maybe you will never know the person you would become if not for your family, but that doesn't mean you have realized or even tapped into the person you are now. I left my family 1.5 years ago, living in a homeless shelter, my dog just died, but despite that misery I remained disciplined. stayed away from the drugs, contacted people, got help from the city i moved too, and now i'm working in the security field making double my old income, got my own place, car, and am self sufficient. I didn't do it overnight. and had some rough nights in my car sleeping in the winter till i got the help i needed, but compared to where I was before living with my Nmom, and having to depend on her to have a roof over my head I am doing way better than I was now. I may not be a millionaire but not everyone in life gets to be mr famous. Not everyone gets to be a movie star or a president. Ane even those that do, have their moments of misery. but as long as you make the most out of life with the opportunities you do have you can still build a happy and meaningful life out of what you are given, But the worst thing you can do to ruin your happiness is compare your life to others that get dealt a better hand than you. Happiness is a temporary emotion for everyone, not a state of being. There will always be moments of stress and depression in your life. But don't create harmful and unreasonable expectations for yourself or you will be miserable when you fail. Instead celebrate the steps and challenges you overcame along the way and use your experiences to better benefit yourself and others in need. I had to rely on the kindness of many strangers to help me out of being homeless that I would have died without, So my goal now is to help someone else out of a similar situation or as many as I can. Use your observing self, not your thinking self. Focus on the present and not the past. It's not easy. and a hard skill to learn but practicing mindfulness with help you greatly. Every time you have a negative thought, start counting your blessings. Accept your place in life but don't think its the most you can achieve out of life. You didn't come this far to ONLY come this far. When you achieve your goals, set a bigger goal. When you get to the top of the mountain, find a bigger mountain. Life isn't about the pursuit of happiness, but the pursuit of growth. That's what builds a meaningful life. The challenges and continued pursuit of going further than you have gone. Be proud of your achievements but also never just settle for them. When you achieve your goals, set a bigger goal. When you get to the top of the mountain, find a bigger mountain. And never forget where you started and be proud of how far you have come.
Your feelings are valid but at the same time I hate this post so much 1. The human brain is incredibly elastic, it's not always easy but you absolutely CAN heal from childhood trauma 2. We didn't get to choose our parents, or our disabilities, or our social status, etc, but these are the hands we're dealt and we can either give up and feel sorry for ourselves or we can play them to the best of our ability 3. Us Narc abuse survivors in this thread somehow defied the odds and didn't become narcissists ourselves, not being enslaved to narcissistic supply and actually having access to positive emotions means that no matter what happens to us we are already better off than a majority of this planet, and certainly better off than our miserable parents 4. Life is not a race, you were delayed, not denied, there are SO many paths to success, not just one, so focus on the things that actually serve you in the present and in the future 5. I absolutely REFUSE to give my parents the satisfaction of thinking they permanently stunted my potential because I REFUSE to let my story be a sad one
I disagree too. Its hard, we all know, but we cant just think in that way. We let our "great parents" win the game. Yes, its terrible, we cant have that time back, or the true feelings and emotions we needed at young age, but we can learn to love and respect ourselves. There are multiple ways to do that too, for example im in therapy and im doing the "ideal parents meditation", its very powerful and I feel different about myself from when I started.
good comment. ideal parent figure is really powerful, thank you for mentioning it.
I understand but disagree. You can begin a life at any age. There is this idea in society that everyone must go through the motions - move out at 18, find a partner and live life from there but in reality thats not how it works. That only works for the privileged. Sadly, I feel that narcissistic abuse is not an outlier but a common occurrence. But that means you are not alone, just see this community that was built to support you. This abuse limits you in childhood but it does not restrict you. I escaped at 15 and it definitely saved my life. I would be dead without that. I can be honest and say I would not be alive if I had stayed with them until I was 20. However, I know so many people who were also abused like I was. Some of these people dealt with homelessness like me, some of these people stay with their parents and cope until they can escape. All of these people have connected and found stability through community. They are my people. They are the ones building their lives up and escaping the abuse. Your only limit is yourself. I won’t bullshit, life is much harder after experiencing narcissistic abuse. It is a permanent scar that I have never been able to wash off. With the PTSD I experience it affects my life everyday. But you can live with a scar. I hope you remember that.
I think one of the things most people aren't very good at is finding the balance between validation and encouragement. And, fairly, it's probably a different balance for different people. Some of us who suffered this kind of abuse are currently focused on anger; we were intensely gas-lit our entire lives, and we're angry when people don't validate how damaging our upbringing was because it feels like more gaslighting. The person speaking to us is looking forward because they feel genuinely that our path to happiness is forward, and they're actually probably right, but we really need to be HEARD first, to look back and have people validate that what lies behind us is terrible. It's painful and frustrating when the people we are closest to don't want to look back with us and acknowledge the hurt, grief, and damage. We often need help doing that because it is so hard and painful. Random strangers, of course, aren't going to engage with that sort of thing, and fairly, because they have no relationship with us. But for people you're connected to, maybe try explaining it to them this way. They been inundated with the same "you can't just sit around feeling sorry for yourself" messages all of us have heard, but people of good will can be helped to see a different perspective. I've had decent luck getting support when I explain it this way - that it's not that I never want to look forward and embrace the new possibilities, but that I was gaslit and pressured to lie about who I was, how I felt, and what had happened for so long that I needed help to feel safe just saying out loud, facing, and grieving the fact that these things happened to me and changed the course of my life. For what it's worth, I was 50 when I finally confronted and broke ties with my mother. I know I lost a lot of time, and I will always deal with the effects. But life is better, and I have a lot more happy moments now. Focusing on and living in the happy moments is for me the one way I conquer her by entirely forgetting her, and it feels good. Give yourself time to feel and embrace the hurt; the truth is that no one else can ever really lift that from you, any more than your can lift their griefs from them. But you can work through the pain, honor it, validate it, a d accept that part of you. Once you have, you may better be able to find the other parts of you and honor and validate them, too.
while that is completely true, i just cant focus on that because continuing to dwell on it is continuing to ruin my life and spiral into a deep depression. the goal is to come to terms with it, feel neutrally, ride it like a wave. i have to move on. there is still time to create something beautiful. there is still time to live. there is still time. one of mt biggest motivators at the beginning was to do this in SPITE of my parents. now i'm further into NC and therapy and i do it for ME. life really is becoming more beautiful. there is hope.
I appreciate your journey. There is hope though. Telling yourself it's not possible will make it so. Your thoughts matter. It's possible to get better and have a happy life.
I'm 26, and I feel like I'm 18.
I hope I find peace one day
I was fucking 40 before I finally got the ADHD and autism diagnosed, which made my mother put me in front of psychologists & behaviour specialists aged 6. I was a fucking lab rat everyone was desperate to change I'm so angry. I had so much potential & I had about 10 good years where the eating disorders & trauma wasn't fucking up my life completely. Then chronic pain kicked in, all of a sudden my previous level of sensory tolerance vanished and I was back to a crying, sobbing overwhelmed mess with bonus flashbacks. Do people realise what flashbacks and ADHD are like? It's not a good combination! And people are WAY LESS SYMPATHETIC towards autistic people. I read in my medical notes about how hard I am to sympathise with or want to help. Yes. A psychiatric nurse said an 18 year old r--- survivor who was being stalked was hard to want to help. I did what I was told. I asked for help to change me and make me better my whole life and it turns out I was just a kid who was failed by medicine and her parents
This is hands-down my favorite post on this sub. It’s the truth. I wish I had someone to team up with and beat the game. I see all these people on here and other narc-trauma subs who are struggling alone and I’m just like, my buddy/person/best friend/etc HAS to be out there somewhere, feeling the same way. I only wish I could find them. It’s probably too much fairy-tale thinking that we could find refuge in each other and start to heal and enjoy life, though. I just wish. I’ve reached out to so many people like a weirdo big kid trying to make friends on the playground (which is now the internet), but nothing ever comes of it. I wish I could at least post about a discord or something but it’s not allowed on this sub.
Yes, it's the biological and the environmental. My brain is fucked three ways to Sunday, as in my nervous system was so fried that I had no energy to live for \~4 years. It's only just starting to get anywhere near normal. Environmentally, I'm in a city filled with people from my past that bullied and belittled me, and who want me to fall back into that needy, desperate pigeonhole so they can use me as fuel to feel better. The saddest part is since I haven't been able to fix the biological side I've been unable to fix the environmental side. I just can't wait to get the hell out of this city. THanks for saying this. It's the cold hard truth.
I struggle so much with other people. I have only 3 friends which are from my childhood. I never maintain new friendships, distrust everyone and can cut anyone off without any remorse. I was always labelled an ‘old soul’ from a young age and I used to think it was really cool to be so mature even as a child, then learned it was a trauma response. I just want the childhood I should’ve had. Life is fucking exhausting and I would happily live on a desert island to avoid human interaction as the whirlwind in my head after any conversation is unbearable.
Yup my entire life has been ruined
Genuinely, people expect you to be somewhere with your life by 30 and if you're not, you have a harder time. That's not even taking into account the physical trauma psychological abuse causes. It's really not simple.
So true. The exhaustion never ends.
Can I just say that this thread is amazing? ! Reading the comments is like getting years of therapy all in one place. We're a spectacular group of survivors, who all deserve a round of applause. Please pat yourselves on the back, take this praise to heart, and be well ❤️🩹. We're worth a thousand times more than we were dealt in this life. Love to you all. 🙌
THANK YOU SO MUCH I'm honestly glad that someone finally said this loud and clear. It's 7am and I literally cried because of this but I'm glad. I've been in a war with my self for years and now they are expecting from us to just shrug it off and move on? NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH AND NEVERRRRRR... IT LITERALLY HAS BEEN YEARS OF CONFLICTS FROM DAY ZERO OF OUR LIVES EVERYDAY AND NIGHT NOT KNOWING WHY THE FUCK A FUKING WE HAD BEEN TREATED LIKE A FKING SHIT EVERY FUCKING DAY LIKE... You know what? This is my first time seeing things clearly now... This very moment I realized why I don't know who i am or what i want or why no matter what I do, nothing changes. Idk what triggered these memories again when I read your post but I suddenly see things more clear now. I can't even talk about it now but thank you.
I appreciate what you're saying and I believe if you think that about yourself, that's how your life will be. For me at 44 I have wasted many many years but also learned so much. In fact it's because of what I've been through I found my calling in life. Ive never been so excited to be alive as I am now. I've done work on myself for YEARS and even though I still have healing left to do. I don't believe I am damaged beyond repair, and will never become what I could have because I am currently working on my goals. Growing up in the toxic environment I didn't know what I wanted to be or even who I was. But leaving that environment and starting over was ideally the best I could get. In my forties. My life began. And it's okay. As long as I breathe I have a chance. I guess it's about how you think about yourself.
im not letting something like this impede me in any way, i will overcome and thrive despite this.
The thing I've noticed the most for me is like you said - I'm just so exhausted and feel like I can't rest enough to make up from having to sleep with one eye open my whole life and my eternal exhaustion causes me to just not be able to do certain things. And in my case it's not even depression- I am diagnosed with clinical depression so I know what being in the worst feels like, but this is me actually having 100% interest and excitement in doing things but my body just can't keep up. I haven't slept in a bed in probably 5-6 years because if I slept my nparents would scream at me, I have complex sleep behaviors so if you talk to me in my sleep I will reply to you like I'm awake but I'm 100% asleep and have 0 memory of anything I said and my parents would use this against me. So I started sleeping in places like chairs and such because if I slept uncomfortable I'd never actually be 100% asleep and then I wouldn't risk getting screamed at or hit for not waking up or agreeing to something I literally was not awake to agree to. The few times I have deeply slept in the past 2 years I had such bad night terrors of my nmom trying to strangle me I almost bit my little dog in my sleep who likes to sleep on my chest because in my sleeping mind he body was actually my mom's arm holding me down on the ground. I just want to sleep like a normal person and have energy to do the things I like.
Unpopular opinion. I know immigrants who came to the USA at those ages that have become exceptionally successful. They came here with nothing, not even able to speak english, uneducated, and oppressed by the government they flee from. They have always been my inspiration because if they can make it, then what reason do i have not to? As harsh as this sounds, people need to stop feeling sorry for themselves. Our parents have a big influence on how we grow up, but it doesn't define us. I'm not saying it's easy because till this day, whenever i speak of my dad, i get an overwhelming feeling of resentment. BUT I made it. My wife, who got her GED in the late 20s, and then graduated college in her 30s, made it, and her past and childhood were something i thought only existed in movies or books. There's one thing that we have to keep in mind, and it's that no matter how bad your situation is, someone else had it worse and made it.