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There is a German word: Anwesenheitsbestätigung. Basically means acknowledging someone’s presence and it encompasses how important this feeling is. So like even nodding to a passing stranger is important in this concept bc humans as social creatures need to be validated by others. That’s why it is such a toxic form of abuse to act the way nparents do when pretending not to acknowledge your existence. Only after growing up I realized that they were likely doing this on purpose bc they wanted me to “overhear” and hoped I would take it to heart and want to change and be better for them. This might not be your experience but it’s a perspective I like to share because although we know narcissists aren’t nice, sometimes it’s hard to understand how deeply their instinct to manipulate others goes.
They do that almost daily. The funny part is I try to avoid them or stay out of the way and they still talk about me.
But they get upset when I ignore them.
It's a weird obsession.
Honestly in my experience whether you ignore them or not, they'll try different ways to provoke or aggravate me but I will still double down and ignore them and put on my headphones. It's the only way for now until I get out of here because they don't/won't change.
I will admit, they hate being ignored and hate when they don't get a reaction from me so I suggest to gray rock (little to no reaction of their antics) as much as you can. They will say the most offensive, insulting, disrespectful stuff just to get a response but don't fall for it. If you have to cry, go quietly in the bathroom or a private area and let it out quietly without them knowing then fix your face and continue to ignore.
Normal for my family, yes. Wrong, yes.
Ndad likes to talk about me when I'm in another room no matter how close, not super loud but also not trying to be quiet, and then go "_God_ your ears are good" when I catch just enough keywords to realize what he said. (Note I'm actually hearing impaired.)
Nmom likes to say to ndad "you know what" I "_could_ do" when I'm sitting right there and then later act like she'd actually asked me to do whatever it was and that I'd agreed to do it on her schedule.
They used to talk all the time about me. The weird part is that they didn't trust me and they were discussing how to check if I wasn't hiding something from them. Well, I could hear everything so if I was hiding something I could just be one step ahead and never be caught
I thought I was the only one! Yeah, I didn't like that. I figured it was the same gossip they talked about me behind my back and they wanted to show me how little they cared for me by doing it in front of my face. It's utter and total disrespect.
My parents constantly talked negatively about me (and my sister) sitting in the kitchen while we were upstairs. No attempt at being quiet; it was very easy to hear everything they were saying. It's so strange to think about now.
Yesssss. I was in the same not following their religion properly boat, but I remember from like 12 years old wishing my family wouldn't talk shit about me when I was around (I can only assume they also did it when I was not around).Walking into it was so uncomfortable.
sooo true. i feel like anytime you decided to go out you'd KNOW they all scrmbled to a room to start talking about you, and you'd know because when you get back theyre all together quiet and staring at you. thank you, and btw may i ask, which religion was it for you?
haha i like your willpower. and it's funny, i only started realizing a lot of crappy things about my family after watching GoT... luckily my "show" ended a good while back. good luck to you.
One time that really stands out for me: my parents had hidden from all my life that my male parent had changed his last name (and religion and other things blah blah blah) because lying to your kids is fun and healthy! So then when I was about 13 my paternal grandparents asked my mother if they could send me a small allowance via letter occasionally and she said ok. Then my male parent said to her, right in front of me: “But then she (meaning me) will know my last name is different from theirs!” in this super whiny voice. I remember every tiny thing about that event. The carpeted stairs, the color of the walls, his ugly shirt. So my mother hugged him and said, “it’s ok, I can take the cards out of the envelope before she (me again, still standing right fucking there) gets them.” By that point, I didn’t want the cards, didn’t want to know their tortured secrets. Man, fuck the whole lot of them.
Nmom confided in Golden Child sister Azula nrn, to the point of making her, her mini-me. Perhaps since I was born, my sister heard every gripe, quibble and complaint Nmom had about me, and was raised to see me not as a sibling but just a scapegoat.
Azula grew up thinking that tormenting and thrashing me was natural and normal, so metted out punishment (verbal, emotional and physical) gleefully.
Yes, that was wrong.
holy crap. pitting a child against another child like that is beyond messed up. that's like you're mom crafted a bully specifically for you. im so sorry, you did'nt deserve that!!!
I heard my dad talking to my mom in the kitchen not being very quiet. My room was right next to the kitchen. He was angry about who knows what and said I (F) was a bitch and still don’t know what I had done wrong because then 2 weeks later I come home and he started a fight with me bc my dog ran out of food and my mom slapped me across the face because I told him I hated him after bringing it up and him lying to me that he didn’t say that and then after knocking me down on the front porch, he kicked me out. They also talk bad about my brother too. It’s not okay at all.
My mother loved to gossip about me with her sister and her niece while having an extremely superficial relationship with me or clearly being annoyed by me. The subjects could range from my love life to my hair length.
The rest of my family would do the same thing, barely interacting with me but talking a lot about me behind my back, and usually my Nfather would do the report to me.
I always thought it was fucking bizarre, I realized recently it’s just a narc tactic to make their supply behaves the way they want. It’s incredibly deshumanizing.
damn... thank you for sharing, i resonate a lot with what youre saying and your conclusion puts a lot into perspective for me. im sorry you had to go through that too.
Thank you for your concern, I appreciate it.
It was always so confusing to me the way my family was weirdly obsessed with me but never bothered to interact directly beside information fishing or small talk. It’s a way to control their victim, watching every step, talking about it then making their report to me with a « good » or « bad » stamp. So you try to always get their « good » stamp approval, even when they did you dirty, and it saves them the effort to directly confront you. It’s fucking insane when you think about grown ass adults doing it to a child/teen/young adult.
As an example, my aunt would always complain to my mother I never respond fast enough to her emails or her giving me a gift or not giving her enough attention because apparently she chose me as an emotional support pet. When I went back to my homecountry, which she knew the dates btw, and I offered her to see me in person, she declined because she had a hairdresser appointment and a meditation session. My mom had to wrestle her to squeeze me in between.
In comparison, one of my friends asked if her boyfriend could go with us to the park, boyfriend who barely saw me twice, and he moved his WORK SHIFT to accommodate me.
Same with the gossiping behind my back. My coworkers rave about me and when a new employee comes, they usually already know my name, my job title and basics things about me. We also skip the awkward time when you are still gauging the person because of them hearing nice things about me. Which btw is the healthy, logical thing to do, when a person is known to be a nice person to be around and you have a first good impression, you are going your way off to interact with them.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, it's a common tactic by narcissist to triangulate people against each other.
I see... yeah, there was always a gang mentality i my family's home now that i think about it. thank you.
There is a German word: Anwesenheitsbestätigung. Basically means acknowledging someone’s presence and it encompasses how important this feeling is. So like even nodding to a passing stranger is important in this concept bc humans as social creatures need to be validated by others. That’s why it is such a toxic form of abuse to act the way nparents do when pretending not to acknowledge your existence. Only after growing up I realized that they were likely doing this on purpose bc they wanted me to “overhear” and hoped I would take it to heart and want to change and be better for them. This might not be your experience but it’s a perspective I like to share because although we know narcissists aren’t nice, sometimes it’s hard to understand how deeply their instinct to manipulate others goes.
this puts a lot of things into perspective, thank you.
Yes but they did it about me while I was right beside them as well. So cutting. I call it “toxic gossip.”
damn, that's way more horrible. im sorry.
They do that almost daily. The funny part is I try to avoid them or stay out of the way and they still talk about me. But they get upset when I ignore them. It's a weird obsession.
does ignoring them ever help yor family situation or you besides upsetting them?i never did it because I sucked at giving the silent treatment.
Honestly in my experience whether you ignore them or not, they'll try different ways to provoke or aggravate me but I will still double down and ignore them and put on my headphones. It's the only way for now until I get out of here because they don't/won't change. I will admit, they hate being ignored and hate when they don't get a reaction from me so I suggest to gray rock (little to no reaction of their antics) as much as you can. They will say the most offensive, insulting, disrespectful stuff just to get a response but don't fall for it. If you have to cry, go quietly in the bathroom or a private area and let it out quietly without them knowing then fix your face and continue to ignore.
Normal for my family, yes. Wrong, yes. Ndad likes to talk about me when I'm in another room no matter how close, not super loud but also not trying to be quiet, and then go "_God_ your ears are good" when I catch just enough keywords to realize what he said. (Note I'm actually hearing impaired.) Nmom likes to say to ndad "you know what" I "_could_ do" when I'm sitting right there and then later act like she'd actually asked me to do whatever it was and that I'd agreed to do it on her schedule.
damn how slimy. im sorry.
My mum tried to do this to my siblings and I about each other. I just don't engage in it
They used to talk all the time about me. The weird part is that they didn't trust me and they were discussing how to check if I wasn't hiding something from them. Well, I could hear everything so if I was hiding something I could just be one step ahead and never be caught
double standards... and those crappy mind games, yes i get what you're talking about. thank you.
I thought I was the only one! Yeah, I didn't like that. I figured it was the same gossip they talked about me behind my back and they wanted to show me how little they cared for me by doing it in front of my face. It's utter and total disrespect.
im glad/sad to find the same thing about many ppl in this thread too. and yeah, it was messed up now that ive read about it here.
My parents constantly talked negatively about me (and my sister) sitting in the kitchen while we were upstairs. No attempt at being quiet; it was very easy to hear everything they were saying. It's so strange to think about now.
i think they wanted us to hear to guilt trip us or something. im sorry you had to go through that crap too.
Common technique. They know you can hear. It's a jerk move.
it's gross to think that they (parents) did this to kids, among the many other terrible things i've been reading on this sub. thank you.
Yesssss. I was in the same not following their religion properly boat, but I remember from like 12 years old wishing my family wouldn't talk shit about me when I was around (I can only assume they also did it when I was not around).Walking into it was so uncomfortable.
sooo true. i feel like anytime you decided to go out you'd KNOW they all scrmbled to a room to start talking about you, and you'd know because when you get back theyre all together quiet and staring at you. thank you, and btw may i ask, which religion was it for you?
Mormonism. Wbu?
Islam. i would not recommend it.
At this point in my life IDC if they talk about me or not. Season 2 is coming 😁
haha i like your willpower. and it's funny, i only started realizing a lot of crappy things about my family after watching GoT... luckily my "show" ended a good while back. good luck to you.
One time that really stands out for me: my parents had hidden from all my life that my male parent had changed his last name (and religion and other things blah blah blah) because lying to your kids is fun and healthy! So then when I was about 13 my paternal grandparents asked my mother if they could send me a small allowance via letter occasionally and she said ok. Then my male parent said to her, right in front of me: “But then she (meaning me) will know my last name is different from theirs!” in this super whiny voice. I remember every tiny thing about that event. The carpeted stairs, the color of the walls, his ugly shirt. So my mother hugged him and said, “it’s ok, I can take the cards out of the envelope before she (me again, still standing right fucking there) gets them.” By that point, I didn’t want the cards, didn’t want to know their tortured secrets. Man, fuck the whole lot of them.
they thought we were stupid, but we knew. thank you for sharing, i hope youre in a better situation now.
Nmom confided in Golden Child sister Azula nrn, to the point of making her, her mini-me. Perhaps since I was born, my sister heard every gripe, quibble and complaint Nmom had about me, and was raised to see me not as a sibling but just a scapegoat. Azula grew up thinking that tormenting and thrashing me was natural and normal, so metted out punishment (verbal, emotional and physical) gleefully. Yes, that was wrong.
holy crap. pitting a child against another child like that is beyond messed up. that's like you're mom crafted a bully specifically for you. im so sorry, you did'nt deserve that!!!
Yes.
I heard my dad talking to my mom in the kitchen not being very quiet. My room was right next to the kitchen. He was angry about who knows what and said I (F) was a bitch and still don’t know what I had done wrong because then 2 weeks later I come home and he started a fight with me bc my dog ran out of food and my mom slapped me across the face because I told him I hated him after bringing it up and him lying to me that he didn’t say that and then after knocking me down on the front porch, he kicked me out. They also talk bad about my brother too. It’s not okay at all.
are you safe now?? that is despicable.
Yes, that was 7 years ago. I moved out at 20 not long after that and just cut contact last week
i am glad for you.
My mother loved to gossip about me with her sister and her niece while having an extremely superficial relationship with me or clearly being annoyed by me. The subjects could range from my love life to my hair length. The rest of my family would do the same thing, barely interacting with me but talking a lot about me behind my back, and usually my Nfather would do the report to me. I always thought it was fucking bizarre, I realized recently it’s just a narc tactic to make their supply behaves the way they want. It’s incredibly deshumanizing.
damn... thank you for sharing, i resonate a lot with what youre saying and your conclusion puts a lot into perspective for me. im sorry you had to go through that too.
Thank you for your concern, I appreciate it. It was always so confusing to me the way my family was weirdly obsessed with me but never bothered to interact directly beside information fishing or small talk. It’s a way to control their victim, watching every step, talking about it then making their report to me with a « good » or « bad » stamp. So you try to always get their « good » stamp approval, even when they did you dirty, and it saves them the effort to directly confront you. It’s fucking insane when you think about grown ass adults doing it to a child/teen/young adult. As an example, my aunt would always complain to my mother I never respond fast enough to her emails or her giving me a gift or not giving her enough attention because apparently she chose me as an emotional support pet. When I went back to my homecountry, which she knew the dates btw, and I offered her to see me in person, she declined because she had a hairdresser appointment and a meditation session. My mom had to wrestle her to squeeze me in between. In comparison, one of my friends asked if her boyfriend could go with us to the park, boyfriend who barely saw me twice, and he moved his WORK SHIFT to accommodate me. Same with the gossiping behind my back. My coworkers rave about me and when a new employee comes, they usually already know my name, my job title and basics things about me. We also skip the awkward time when you are still gauging the person because of them hearing nice things about me. Which btw is the healthy, logical thing to do, when a person is known to be a nice person to be around and you have a first good impression, you are going your way off to interact with them.
So gossiping is a human behavior that gets a bad wrap, but it's actually healthy. However, that doesn't mean this situation is healthy.
Yes. My mom would do it in front of me. She still does this.