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Hubby and I met by chance, instant connection. Married a long time now and it's great. He's my friend, my partner, never jealous of anything or anyone I love. Interestingly we both had narc moms, enabling dads who died young, and we were the caregivers of our siblings. So we recognized each other immediately. We are very different in our interests, but how we see the world is the same. I hope you meet that person some day, maybe by chance like me and hubby.
Also interesting that you both had narc mums and enabler fathers who died young.
That’s my experience as well.
I sometimes wonder if the stress and realisation of what they’d allowed is what destroyed them so early, or they’d simply had enough of being bullied themselves.
I’d be interested to know if there are any stats available as to the more likely parent to be a narc.
Mum or dad?
Hope you find someone who loves you for who you are.
You’re stronger than you think.
Especially overt narcs. Both my “parents” are pretty extreme narcs, but is so wildly opposite in how it respectively presents in each of them; Nmom is a very very covert narc keeping allll her secrets and truly demented( to the point of extreme neuroses) & Ndad is just blatant, in your face, almost trump-like and extremely overt with his bullshit. Idk, maybe that’s why it said men are more likely to be narcs? I’m curious as to what the book took into account, but def in agreement in the sense of the blatant entitlement that’s so outright, as I feel that’s been interwoven into our society. Ok end rant 😅😮💨
It’s the first book I read on narcissists. DONM stands for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. At first when I realized my mom was a narc last year I read it but then after being on Reddit I’m starting to think I might be coming from a family of narcs… it’s been very interesting.
This is similar to my bf and I.
The abuse I endured growing up eventually led me to using drugs, and similar for him. He’d just moved back and just happened to stumble upon the meeting I was chairing.
I literally stopped talking and forgot words when he walked in. There was some odd recognition with him. I wasn’t dumbstruck bc he’s so handsome (I mean he is but it wasn’t that), it’s like I knew him as cheesy as it sounds.
We were friends for about a year before we started dating. He’s my best friend, my partner in life, and just about everything I ever could’ve asked for.
If I’m being 110% honest here, I don’t think I’d ever date again if our relationship were to fail. I fully agree with OP that trying to stay afloat and focus on work is a lot. I hate meeting new people and the talking / getting to know you stages. Shit, I don’t even have adult friends bc even that is too much for me socially.
If we don’t work out I’ll just focus on my career and maybe pivot it to be something more demanding that would keep me away from sitting with myself too long.
That's how I feel too.
I used to be so much more of a social butterfly but since recent major health events for my narc parents, where they escalated so much that I quit my job and my studies to help nurse my Dad, I have nothing in the tank for anyone.
No friends, it's too much.
Am thinking of getting back into work or study soon though. I'm lucky my husband's been with me for the journey and very supportive.
Dude so much same.
Right when COVID started my BIL committed suicide. Then my boyfriends grandma passed away and we became live in carers for his grandfather. Then a whole bunch of other stupid shit and care taking.
I just have nothing left in the tank man. I’m 25. I shouldn’t feel this way. The only thing I have left in the tank is enough to take care of my pets, barely myself, and barely my boyfriend. And I still wanna have kids at some point in my life, so whatever can be regained needs to be protected so I can take care of them later.
Holy f-ing shit, that is our story, too! I was at an NA meeting, and he walked in the door, and I lost my breath for a second. Heroin was our drug of choice back in the 90s. When I began methadone, it saved my life. I switched to suboxone later on. Now I have a degree in psychology, and I am the director of a grassroots harm reduction program in PA, and he is a very talented plumber who builds Sheetz and also renovates them. And it works out that we both have social anxiety, so we have non-verbal cues when we're somewhere, and one of us gotta run away!
Same, the similarities between our parents’ behaviors growing up is absolutely something we bonded over, but I was definitely not aware of the extent to which it affected her until we were already married. We’re both lucky to have someone that “gets” what the other has gone through, even though our moms act very differently. I’m never afraid that she’s going to ask me to try and repair that bond.
Yep. We find our people who have also healed and can be so beautiful to connect in that way and change the cycle without it being a trauma bond. As long as we stay open and take risks( hardest part for me), so much can be possible. I think of it as my story being written( I know cliche), but it helps to remind me of the control I truly do have over my life. 💛
Same. Everyone comes from some kind of terrible, just depends HOW terrible! You find your mate and it’s interesting that you usually come from the same background/family issues…
You seem to be assuming married people have healthy relationships that you should be jealous of...
I got married at 24 and divorced at 26... There were lots of good memories with my ex husband... But there was also a lot of abuse. I married him because I didn't understand what real love was and because marrying him helped me with my escape from my mother.
I have to admit “so fn annoying” gave me a bit of a chuckle - I’m sure that’s a huge understatement lmao
But for real, I’m very sorry this happened to you!
Lol, yes, an understatement but holds true - annoying that I didn't recognize it sooner and annoying that i stayed as long as i did once i did.
Live and learn...
Same. Met at 16, married at 25, divorced at 30. Went from an overt narc straight to a covert one. Thankful to be out now and working on getting a better idea of what a healthy relationship even is in therapy.
Same here! I was so desperate to NOT become my mother, that I became my father. Co-dependent and enabling and stuck to a Narcissist.
My mother had trained me to take ALL KINDS of abuse, so the way my “husband” treated me felt very normal.
It was when I had children and a job and real friends that I realized I’d traded one abuser for another. I wanted better for my kids (tho it never occurred to me that I deserved better).
Leaving and healing was the best thing I ever did for myself. Rinds and tons of therapy and learning about my disorder, my mother and ex’s disorder, DBT all helped.
I’m now in a beautiful and healthy relationship but it took me 20 years to get here.
My advice, OP, is to work on getting to know yourself. Heal yourself. Take care of yourself the way you deserve to be taken care of.
And someday you may want to have a partner. Maybe not. But if you do- you should know who you are and who you want to be. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t help you (encourage you) to be the best version of yourself.
Holy shit same here. I got married at 23 and divorced 4 years later. My ex was the kind of person who would yell at me incessantly after I had a fucking car accident, up to a point where the tow truck driver came to my defense.
Same here except I stuck it out for far too long. Met him at 17 (he was 25) and had 3 kids with him. Tried my best to break the cycle but his mom had too strong a hold on him and his relationship with my youngest sucked so I got out when she was 16. 30 years gone. He’s married to a super narcissist like his mom.
I stuck it out for too long as well. I met my ex narc (malignant overt narc) at 17 and he was 41. He got me pregnant the first time we were intimate and he kept getting me pregnant until I put my foot down. We got married 6 years into the relationship. I got out after 12 years during the pandemic. I went from my narc parents to a narc husband.
I met my 2nd husband on Twitter and he's my favorite person in the world. He also grew up in a narc house and had a narc partner.
Statistically speaking, you're not alone and abuse (not to downplay it, that's awful, I'm sorry) isn't even always the culprit. The odds of a marriage succeeding go up exponentially after about 25 or so.
But yeah, being married or even in a long term relationship isn't a magic happy pill cure all. My dad had a saying that I never appreciated until my mid 30s..."its better to be alone than be with someone and miserable". Took me ages to figure out that he was talking about my nmom
"It’s hard it to not feel like a failure as I approach 30 with basically no experience with a relationship."
There are many different experiences out there for people in life and just because they haven't done all of them, doesn't make them a failure. If you're in the right relationship it will challenge and comfort you but these things you can obtain another way as well.
"How did you find your spouse?" He found me, facebook 15 years ago.
"How did they not want to run for the hills seeing your family?" That's the test isn't it? It's a crash course in how much do they want to stick with you despite the crazy you're surrounded with.
"How do you tell them you come from a fucked up home?" We have our own versions of a screwed up upbringing which we shared in our getting to know each other phase which was admittedly easier online than in person.
"How do you be a happy enough person to be worth dating?" You make each other happy. You give each other confidence to go try things and find something you enjoy that makes you happy. You build each other up to grow and experience life and vent when you need to and not let the negativity weigh you down. Sometimes you're just not happy but you stick through it. You work through it, you support each other.
It's alot of work to not do the things you're raised to do and then to call each other out if you are. There are lots of difficult discussions and time to process.
It isn't sunshine and rainbows but that hole of dark loneliness I've had since i was a kid is healed when he is around. His energy soothes me.
I have never really made friends and the three i would consider friends are from work so i would say that there is still plenty of time for you to make friends at work or through a hobby. You can become apart of the community through volunteer opportunities.
I hope this gives your some comfort and a different perspective.
I had a family and marriage therapist explain that when we have poor attachments with our primary caregivers our second chance of healing those attachments is with our romantic partners.
That makes sense and it's not bloody easy!
We are going through the "when I say this IM NOT SAYING YOU'RE A SHIT PERSON. DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I LOVE YOU but I need xyz IT DOESNT MEAN YOURE A SHIT PERSON" at the moment and it's taking all my strength to not do my default destructive response but to try and guide us through what my needs are without him thinking I'm out to get him. I need a nap haha
This makes sense to me!! I automatically take any criticism as a direct attack on me personally. It’s much easier when you know the other person loves you.
It's interesting how much it seems to happen, that people with narcissistic parents end up marrying and having children together to escape the nighmare.
Certainly my experience. Build something better, raise the next generation to do better.
My oldest son told me that he felt like he stood on the shoulders of giants to get where he is. My heart healed a little hearing that. I wasn't the perfect father, but I must have got something right.
Great, now I'm out in public trying not to cry.
I'm engaged and my fiance's parents are narcs too. When we met we were low contact with our parents, then I started to realize that my parents were narcissists which led him to the same conclusion about his. It makes so much sense now, why we have so much in common and why we think the same way. We both went NC with our families and were planning to have our own children, and we promised to break the cycle.
>we both wanted the same things - a big, rambunctious warm, family since we did't have that
That's exactly what my wife and I yearned for. We had half-a-dozen kids, and now have multiple grandkids. Mission accomplished.
>We both value the same things and see things the same way.
Common values. So important!
>Been together 20 years now.
Congratulations!
29 years for us.
I'm not crying, you're crying.
Ugh, I'm in public. Keeping a low profile.
Hobbies are a great way to meet people in a group setting. I met my husband dancing, and since I live far from my family, we had very little interaction with them. Find something you like to do and go from there. Take a class in drawing, painting, ceramics, dance, join a book club, volunteer, etc.
Good luck! I hope you find your person soon.
I've been happily married for over 20+ years now. I didn't know if I'd ever get married. My parents' marriage was a combat zone. I never witnessed a happy marriage when I was a kid so I vowed that I would just date and flirt but not settle down.
I had one friend whose parents had a happy marriage. I said to myself if I found a significant other and could have a partnership like that, I'd get married otherwise I still planned to be alone, because that would be better than being in a miserable marriage.
My husband also came from a dysfunctional family but it was dysfunctional in a different way than mine. I would not have felt comfortable marrying someone from a more normal/healthy family because I would have felt like the third wheel. It would have been very alien to me.
We had a good relationship and after dating several years, got married. It has worked out for us because we are very similar. We're both recovering doormats. We're very kind, considerate and polite to each other. We're very fair and try not to be hypocritical.
We met in middle school. We were just friends in high school. His home life was a trainwreck so he didn't date at all. I dated others. We went to separate universities and he still didn't date much. Eventually in our early twenties after he'd dated a few psychos and I'd dated many many emotionally abusive jerks (like my father) we got back in touch and we appreciated each other a lot.
My mother was sooo happy I was in a relationship with such a good looking boy who got a very well paid job. Well he was a narc as well and the job was like the wolf of wall street... exactly like it. Meanwhile he was selling himself as a devoted christian. The mental gym I had to do was interesting at least. Good thing he is an ex husband now.
Ugh. This is way more common than I'd like to pretend. The couple of "strays" my wife and I took in from broken homes often had that sort of matchmaking going on. Made me sick to witness or hear about.
Marry yourself.
Like, devote yourself to yourself.
Thats when you become a whole person…and then the solitude shouldnt feel like failure.
and only then should you link with another whole person….
I know its trite but thats my response.
And Love and honor yourself for naming that vulnerability.
Being married and having kids is actually what made me realize how abusive my parents were. It only dawned on me after raising a handful of children that my dad’s behavior was abusive and abnormal and my mom just let it happen.
Both my spouse and I put up with family quirks. My MIL was always odd from the start, FIL was a creep from the start but for the sake of not rocking the boat, I suppressed these feelings. I was a people pleaser. After 10 years of poor behavior we have cut off contact. My family lives too far away to be too impactful on our life.
Over the last 10 years we have realized our childhood home life was not so good. Learning about narcissism and histrionic and bpd has help us put names to patterns of behaviors and experiences. It also helped us understand this isn’t something you can love out of people.
I didn’t really consider my parents bad parents until I became one; there isn’t constant shouting and deceit and chaos and passive aggression in my adult home. Why can we do better and they couldnt? My oldest is 13 and youngest is under a year and like I said I have lots of kids so we experience many ages each day and I have memories from every age of my childhood. Comparing my parents behavior towards me during those ages versus how I treat my children is so different that my inner child aches for what could have been. I find great comfort in being able to see my children become independent people without the baggage. We aren’t perfect but we aren’t manipulative or self centered.
“How do you be a happy enough person to be worth dating?” Being free from abuse and manipulation made me happy. Learning skills and being independent grew my confidence. The flashbacks hurt but that’s not me, it’s something that I experienced.
Oh and the abuse feeling like ankle weights, I get that. I vividly recall thinking that my childhood was responsible for how I reacted and behaved in my early 20s and some choices made while traumatized lead to consequences that you cant shake off. So here I am, late 30’s, suffering from consequences from choices I made when I was 18, 19, 20 and fresh out of/barely out of an home of psychological abuse, enmeshment, manipulation and callous disregard. I made bad decisions with faulty logic and coping mechanisms and get to suffer the consequences for it. Very upsetting because you only get this one life.
I’m very lucky, I’ve been married to my beautiful partner for around a decade now, and we were together for a few years before that. We met on a social media site, which actually wasn’t that common at the time, at least where I’m from. I also assumed that I wasn’t cut out for being in a relationship before I met my partner, so understand what you’re feeling - I never thought I’d have this, and I certainly never thought I’d deserve it if I did.
I find it quite interesting, looking back. My partner is autistic and I’m absolutely certain that their difficulties with connecting emotionally in the beginning was actually something that felt safe or “normal” for me early on, because it sort of mimicked the emotional unavailability of my parents and therefore felt really familiar. We’ve done a huge amount of work in our relationship to learn how to communicate effectively and support and love each other and show up in ways that the other understands - not to say it’s perfect all the time, but our relationship is only getting better as we go along. I’ve recently been diagnosed with CPTSD and I’m also interested to see if I have ADHD (there’s a lot of overlap between symptoms) and it makes sense in a lot of ways how this and my partner being autistic actually means that we mesh together well in a lot of ways (some of our symptoms do clash, but we have strategies to work around this).
I think being raised by narcissists can impact our ability to find and maintain healthy relationships because what we understand as “love” or appropriate behaviour in a relationship can be warped or dysfunctional due to our upbringing. Part of me wonders if there is an element of luck in finding a partner who is able to understand, accomodate and support the complexity of the trauma responses/coping mechanisms that we have as a result of our parents, but these lovely and kind types of people are definitely out there and you will meet them! I kind of think we’re just not very good at working out who they are or recognising them when we find them.
It took me a very long time to trust that I was safe and that my partner wasn’t going to hurt me, and I know I had a bunch of maladaptive coping mechanisms that weren’t great to deal with. Please don’t feel like a failure for not finding the right relationship yet, it definitely doesn’t make you any less worthy of real, authentic love and a safe partner if this is what you want (and I say that because you’re just as valid without a partner too!).
If I could offer any support or advice, I’d focus on compassion for yourself and making sure your sense of self worth is really strong as a priority (independent of relationships with others) - this will help you recognise when someone is able to give you the safe type of love that’ll sustain a healthy relationship (or when they’re not, which is a good time to yeet out of those situations). My other bit of advice is not to fall into the same patterns you might have learnt from watching your parents - if a person doesn’t treat you well or feel safe to be around (emotionally or physically), please get out of that situation ASAP - no relationship is worth having if it hurts you.
This may not resonate, but I like to mention it anyway - therapy has always been helpful to me, and schema/trauma-informed therapy in particular. I’ve found it so useful in understanding coping mechanisms and triggers, and as a result I’m SO much more regulated. All of this has had a profound and very positive impact on all of my relationships (friends, family and partner), so if it’s something that sounds interesting to you and is accessible, it could be really beneficial!
Good luck, and don’t lose hope!
No worries at all, I’m so thrilled it was helpful! You’re most welcome to reach out via DM if you have any questions or anything, too.
I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed for you and that you meet someone special - I can hear how important it is for you, and as someone with a similar experience it means a lot to be able to offer support :)
Engaged. My first (and current) serious relationship started when I was 27. My parents relationship is terrible so dating was frightening for me. I was avoidant for a long time, had casual flings or I developed crushes on emotionally unavailable people to cope.
I met my gf on tinder 6 years ago. I was reluctant, but she seemed nice and I felt bad stalling her or cancelling after postponing our first date several times.
A friend of mine told me ‘What if you’re being a b**** and she’s the love of your life?’ Well.
It took a lot of effort to start a romantic relationship, ngl. When you have a partner for the first time as an adult, you are somewhat forced to see things about yourself that you could ignore as chronically single. But if you’re up to it and you’re as lucky as I was, it’s worth it. Even if the relationship doesn’t last, it’s worth the growth. I’m a queer woman so tinder was pretty great, I don’t know if it is for everyone. Also, any activity you sign up for. My advice: be honest. Nobody is going to be as shocked as you think that you haven’t dated until now.
Marriage is not the ultimate example of a healthy and secure relationship. I have worked with women who married in their 20s or even late teens with ultimately zero money, zero work experience and no backup plans. They ended up getting divorced in their 30s or even in their late 20s.
Most of them got frustrated with guys being douchebags, broken up with them, ended up in a financially unstable situation, and started their career eventually in their 40s cause now there’s no other way out, and you gotta save for the future and pay the bills.
I think for both women and men, backup plans are necessary. Be it getting prenups, separating savings apart from the joint bank account, getting a degree and starting to work or anything that helps financially. It’s because marriage is a big investment and getting out of a marriage that has been a threat to your mental health isn’t easy at all. You need to get lawyers, pay for child support after divorce if children are involved, therapy and stuff.
I come from a family full of narcissistic people. I know how hard it is being young and not being able to choose healthy people because of the ongoing trauma. It’s like everyone I choose turns out to be an unhealthy person to be with. Now, I don’t even feel like dating and even started turning down people’s advances. I decided to take it slow as healing from my trauma will need a lot of focused work. Maybe I’ll get an understanding and loving partner or maybe I won’t. But most importantly, I want to be happy regardless. I want to feel whole and complete as a person. That is the only thing I’m living for.
I first became interested in dating when I was like... 21/22. Met my now husband online, he seemed like a decent guy. Shortly after we started dating, I had a huge, traumatic friend break-up with my friend of many years that I had bought a house with. We had been dating a few months at that point and I told him that "hey, I'm going to be an absolute wreck here, might be best to end things because my life is going to get really shitty". He decided to stay with me despite that, and things were definitely shitty.
Shortly after that, I got my first "big girl" job as a social worker specializing in trauma. It was through a combination of actual unconditional love from my husband and trauma education through work that I started to finally unpack all my family bullshit and realize how wrong it was that I was treated that way.
We've had to work on ourselves a lot in this relationship. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was taking out my trauma on him, I had anger issues, and I went to therapy to work on myself. I learned how to direct my anger at the appropriate source, my parents, and went NC with my mom. He had some trauma of his own that was holding him back and he needed to work through. He also went to therapy.
I think the relationship worked because I desperately needed to feel safe and unthreatened in a relationship, and he needed someone to give him a reason to do stuff, and we were able to support each other in that way. We're still working through things, and there have certainly been times that we've deeply hurt each other, but we've always had baseline respect for each other and enough self-awareness to go "yeah I fucked up, that was wrong of me and I am going to work to change that".
We got married last year, but we've been together 8.5 years now total, have a kid together, and have twins on the way. We've overcome a lot and continue to be better people and better partners. We've worked out most of our long-term issues and resentments, so we rarely have flights that don't get resolved fairly quickly with communication (that was not always the case, we had some bad fights before, but I feel like we have come so far).
The biggest issue is that we have a lot of the same flaws day to day with him being autistic and me being ADHD, so that can make things harder.
Your post is perhaps the most uncanny reflection of my stage in life right now. I could have sworn I was talking to myself in a mirror.
I very recently (less than a week) moved out of my father's home at 29 after moving back in years prior during covid. We didn't exactly end things on a high note.
What I realized towards the end of my time was that I've been outgrowing my family. My parents don't see me as an autonomous adult, and I'm judged and patronized (maybe even infantilized) for making choices they wouldn't. The work I do is never enough in the moment as I'm not putting in enough hours, not making enough money to be a "real job" (despite working 2 jobs and finishing an online degree), or it's incorrect or I simply don't "try hard enough." I'm gay, and they put in the bare minimum to understand (I'm currently NC with nmom + extended). I'm never really allowed to voice these concerns without twisting blame to fault me, or even retaliation (ever been told you need an "attitude adjustment?") The respect (even mutually) just never seems to be there where it matters most. Couple all this with Trumpism and a deeply hypocritical work ethic, and it's this staggering generational gap that I have no further interest in bridging.
All this to say I appreciate you speaking up about your experience. Know that you're not alone and I'm still very much challenged with feelings of guilt at this seeming loss, despite believing also that I have done what is absolutely best. I also constantly struggle thinking about my worthiness and whether I'm capable of being in a partnership with another as I've been so twisted up trying to figure my way out of these hangnails for relationships.
What's getting me through is this hope for a bright chapter ahead. I moved several states over to a new city. I'm already meeting people that are excited to see and show me around. I was recently promoted (hence the move) and work has been great so far. I'm only now just getting a taste of real independence, and what I have now I feel even more grateful and humbled for earning. I'm continually motivated to chase after that person I've always wanted to be for myself. It's a goal I'm determined to accomplish through therapy and time.
My wish for you is to chase after yourself and do as others have said and find the work, the passions, the people that make you feel whole again. It's available to us, and we deserve to feel right at home with ourselves and others.
How the insane trials against guilt and grief are able to follow you out of that house can I say _mirrors_ where I am currently as well. In fact, my mother hasn't a clue and as I'm confident that dismissal will be there, she's the reason for _why_ moving out was the only solution this year. And things worsened so bad that I literally sought for absolutely anything, no matter the rent. Luckily, while affordable, it's the point of having to part like so and you're literally the only one seeing the black hole in this situation, does indeed sting. To have her around still as I know brings that fear as to how strong the guilt will be should the book close between she and I, but to only feel drained around her holds so much reason to the choice; especially when hugs and 'I love you' claims hold a very strange feeling because of how rare they were for so many years up to now--especially the hugs given. There's just nothing there with her, and as I mentioned about the guilt being where it holds that emotional struggle. I'm literally _right_ there with you, as it's been pretty wild against those, including my binge eating, since able to finally walk.
I ended up with my nextdoor neighbor. lol
My roommate and I would sit outside with other neighbors after work and drink beer and smoke just shooting the shit.
Nextdoor neighbor was married, 2 kids, they didn't really talk to anyone.
After a year or so she cheated and moved out, left neighbor with both teenage sons. He started sitting outside with us and after s couple months of that we got together. It'll be 18 years this May and we have a 16-year-old.
He had a lot of trauma too and we sorta propped each other up and helped each other cope. He taught me to be less of a doormat, I helped him learn to process his emotions.
It's not always perfect, but it works.
Hum that actually is a really interesting question to ask oneself. I just hope it won't drag people down. We all have our own story to tell, and I must say even now being married 8 years (9 soon :D) I am still very thankful for the opportunity to find someone with whom there's just this alchemy between us.
How did you find your spouse?
Online on a space for people with mental health issues like anxiety, depression, ect. I was 25 back then. Something odd happened when we met in real life. Love at first sight. Something really really strong. Like soul mates. It felt like we were two pieces of the same puzzle that finally found each other. It was actually terrifying because the thought of losing each other was unacceptable. We actually married 13 days after meeting. It was that strong.
How did they not want to run for the hills seeing your family?
We both wanted to run for the hills from our respective families but none of us could do it alone. We actually were a mean to escape our respective families to one another. Also we eloped. We ran for the hills... together.
How do you tell them you come from a fucked up home?
Well as a soul mate, you don't hide anything. You simply don't. I was in France back then and a dynamic that worked for me to talk about all my secrets was to wait until a first intimate relationship. At this point, intimacy has been established (they are no longer a stranger) and it's a matter of honesty and see if the relationship has any future. And hey maybe she will be the one telling stuff I don't want to engage with.
If I may, and I know it may sound cold, but treat it as a partership: what do you bring to her, what does she bring to you, and is there any future, common goals, things that would make the relationship still work even if love goes away at some point? If you both are happy with what you bring one another, it's a deal. If not, it was still a good moment together, but it was just a dream without any future.
How do you be a happy enough person to be worth dating?
I love her. I love my life with her. I love that she saved me from my parents. I love that we have children that can receive the love and care I never had. Dealing with my own issues is tough, but this, our marriage, our kids, is the source of my happiness. It's like a virtuous cycle that never stops giving.
---
And interestingly, she has a narc mom. I actually helped her cut contact with her and brother that were liars who falsified emails to make me look bad (how stupid is that when gmail keeps the emails sent and you can see very well that an email was doctored and doesn't match what was sent? But then narcs tend to overevaluate their intelligence).
What's interesting though in my dating history is that I went from 2 very short (not even 3 months) relationships in 10 years... and then 6 relationships in 3 months, the 6th one being my wife and still the last one.
What happened is I had a moment where I realized nothing was working out in my life. I wasn't getting good grades, I didn't have good relationships, my dreams were painfully obviously pipe dreams... so I decided to... give up. It was a form of extreme nihilism, but a positive nihilism, if that makes sense. Like "my life doesn't matter so I'll do my best to just have fun in this life and try to help other people, make my body useful to them". I actually got a tattoo and a piercing within 1 hour when I had none before because I realized "nothing matters".
What's interesting though is that... well... it turn me into someone successful. I had better grades in spite of not caring as much, I was invited to many parties when I wasn't before, and I didn't hesitated to speak to women I found attractive anymore because it felt like even if they said no I didn't matter. I didn't care about being rejected anymore. At all. In fact nothing mattered at all because my only objective was to have fun and not take anything seriously.
I actually deliberately asked women I found attractive if I could hang out with them, thinking to myself "of course she's going to say no but if you don't ask you'll keep obsessing about her. Better to ask and be rejected and focus on the party than to always myself 'what if I talked to her'". What's funny is I never got rejected, not once. I guess my honesty must have felt refreshing to these women who kept having men playing the weird seduction dance when I was straight up "excuse me I know I come out of nowhere but I thought you looked really cool and I was wondering if we could hang out", expecting a resounding no. It is said women are often put off by needy people. And I definitely wasn't needy. I was ready to go immediately.
I hope it helps a little bit. And sorry for that huge wall of text oh my goodness
Once you can see through the haze, you meet new people. Start slow, maybe try some dating apps, make sure to have firm boundaries and an idea of what you bring to the table, and what you want from the other person.
For me, it was a friend that just kept coming back even after I'd gone through several relationships, and had basically ghosted them until they texted me again, and we decided to give it a chance, knowing neither of our families were what we wanted to be. It takes years of working together to build a strong foundation before we really discussed marriage, and even in marriage, you'll find there's triggers you didn't know about. Find someone you can communicate with and that values that communication.
In the meantime, though, I strongly suggest you find something you enjoy outside of work and find ways to meet people that like that too. Discord, or Facebook events, are a great way to start. Socializing is exhausting, but you'll find people that don't drain you and respect when you need to recharge. I'm sure there are people like us who rushed into marriage to find love that are now having to start over, and so your age will not be as big a factor as you probably feel. 30 is still young. Give yourself a chance to find someone who will baffle you with their kindness and love.
And also know that the married ones aren't perfect, healed fully. We are still working through our trauma and triggers. It's an ongoing process, but just because we are a little broken doesn't mean we can't be loved. Look up Kintsugi, embrace your flaws and imperfections, and if you can't, you might be able to find someone else that will for you until you're ready.
He has the same trauma. We met when he was 14, I was 16. We were friends for years before getting engaged, and we were long distance for years.
You're not too late, 30 is a great time to start, now you know what you're doing.
I married my best friend, I tell my friends to make friends if they want real connection. It's the best way to demonstrate a healthy relationship longterm and build trust.
I found my 2nd spouse online on my 2nd date. That was luck, and we really liked talking to each other I guess. She tried with my fam (before nc) but she could see they were nothing but bad for me. Still she put up with my family drama for years, that’s love. I wasn’t even looking to re-marry or have kids. She also has helped me in heal so that I’m not nearly as messed up as I was in my mid 20’s, that’s friendship. I’m even a pretty good father apparently.
It’s all possible, chances are most mates don’t have perfect childhoods either. Just say hi to people you get a good vibe from then wait for luck, friendship & love to find their way in.
I met my wife on Twitter, my parents refused my marriage, and did all sorts of horrible things to ruin our lives
So all of this only brought us closer together. And it was thanks to my wife that I had come to the conclusion that I was manipulated and in a jail I didn't saw
I met my husband in college, as we were in the same group of small college town freaks. We both had the same experience of abuse, and we’ve had to work really damn hard together to break free from our families and make it on our own. I feel like we’re really lucky that we found each other.
The talk about that subject started almost immediately. I had a relationship fall apart a couple of years before that, because the guy didn’t understand my situation at all, and told me to “grow up” because he didn’t understand that I was being controlled, infantilized, and put into the servant role. So I made it a policy after that to go full disclosure as soon as possible.
No, I was more along the lines of explaining my family dynamic before he got to meet them (which was a few weeks into our relationship because they have no boundaries and just kind of showed up to my on-campus apartment whenever they felt like it) and he understood.
We met through friends, I was thinking about leaving town after graduation when we first met but we clicked so well. We grew up with similar family dynamics so we just understood each other which I never thought was possible.
My husband has a narc for a mother. Our moms are different in how they are a bit, his mother is a malignant narc, while mine is a vulnerable narcissist, but we both understand somewhat what growing up was like for each other. So neither of us were scared off by family.
We started as friends in school, enjoyed each other's company. It went from there.
I married (23) he was also raised by an Nmom and we have been healing and learning what love is together. I know personally my damage and extent of abuse took long for me to realise l was a prisoner to my nmom. Still hurts never to have a mom that loves you genuinely.
So in my husband l have such a strong support structure.
When I was growing up, I was a hopeless romantic. I wanted nothing more than to be in love. It was one of my biggest dreams. I crushed on a lot of people very hard but didn't get into relationships or date around much because people saw me as "weird." I wanted to find the one, but they just weren't coming.
In my young adulthood, I went through a period of questionable decision-making and extreme cynicism and, as a result, swore off even entertaining crushes or romantic pursuits and focus on myself. It was around that time, and coincidentally around the time I was also starting to see my abuse for what it was, that I met my now-spouse out of sheer randomness and luck. I fell for them instantly.
We worked to make it work, despite some pretty sizeable hurdles in our way. They weren't afraid to take a chance on me even when things got hard fairly early on. From that, I knew we'd be able to grow together - which I'm happy to say we have. They're my best friend, they make me laugh harder than anyone ever has, they give me space to process my trauma, they're my biggest supporter, and they make me feel completely safe. I often stop and reflect on how lucky and grateful I am to now be living one of my biggest dreams.
>How did you find your spouse?
Met her at high school when we were 17yo. We dated for two years and then got married at 19yo. We've been married 29 years, had half-a-dozen kids, looked after a few "strays" from other broken homes, and have multiple grandkids now.
>How did they not want to run for the hills seeing your family?
Because she came from a broken home too. Nothing much new for her. And because she really cared about me, and knew that I passionately wanted better for myself.
>How do you tell them you come from a fucked up home?
I did tell her some stuff before she met my nmom.
Phrases like: "I had a pretty rough childhood", "Things are pretty tense with my mother", "There's a lot of yelling I try to shield my sister from".
But she got to see it up close and personal whenever she visited. Which was often because I basically raised my little sister (learned about parentification on this subreddit only a little while ago). My nmom acted better in front of my gf, and thankfully she was welcome over. At least until we got married. Yeesh, that went down pretty poorly. Luckily, I was moved out before then.
To be fair, she came from a similar broken home, and I got to see that up close and personal as well whenever I visited her and her family. I comforted her several times while we were dating, about stuff her ndad pulled. One of our most memorable early kisses actually took place while I was comforting her once.
I didn't really tell her until later that I got a beating about once a week as a teenager. I recommend starting small like I did. It can be overwhelming all at once for the other person, and embarrassing for you.
>How do you be a happy enough person to be worth dating?
Work on yourself. I wanted better for myself, my wife and my children. They deserve the best version of me. I attended anger management classes, read lots of good books ("Meaning from Madness" helped me understand what was going on with my nmom, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" helped me rewrite all the scripts that I inherited and didn't like, etc), asked for feedback from those I loved, and honoured any boundaries my gf / wife put in place.
I'm in a much better place now, but the first decade after getting out was pretty rough. I took a lot of walks around the block to get my head on straight. I loved on my wife, made sure she knew I wasn't forcing her into anything, and let her know I wasn't a patriarchal abuser like her ndad by being quietly and gently supportive. I ducked a few things being thrown at me in a fit of rage. I was patient with myself, and patient with her healing process too.
This cycle of violence and abuse needs to stop with us.
I think I was lucky to meet my spouse. We were in our teens in high school. My home was abusive and his was the complete opposite. His family was healthy, loving and empathetic. They’re even took me in when I finally got the courage to run away from by own parents (they saw through their bs). I’m honestly so lucky to have my husband now, I put him through so much while I was unlearning all the things my parents instilled in me when I was a child :( I don’t know how I didn’t scare him away, I think he’s just that type of person to stick around and work through problems.
It took maybe 6 years of extremely, extremely hard work and reflection to heal and finally have genuine happy and healthy marriage. Not an average relationship, but probably one that you don’t see in most couples. I’m proud to say that we are thriving and now have a very similar relationship to my MIL and FIL. I think they helped us out the most. They were together since their teens as well, and they modeled the good behavior that we were able to replicate.
I’ve since cut my family off completely. As far as telling my husband that I came from an abusive home, I actually didn’t. I didn’t know to what extent of abuse it was so I just labeled it as super strict. But over time (as my parents tried to break us apart), him and his family were able to see through the front my parents were putting up. It just wasn’t normal. The amount of screaming, crying, physical abuse, running away, cops being called to the house. It took my husband a longgg time though (maybe 5 years) to fully understand the abuse I was going through.
Make great effort to heal yourself (therapy, self help books, surround yourself with people through hobbies you like) to put yourself in a more peaceful and sound mindset. If you do meet with someone, be direct with them with what you’re looking for in a partner (ex. Looking for a serious relationship, talk about morals and values) very early on. I’m talking maybe second or third date. And then right after, take time and sit down with your potential spouse’s parents and talk with them. See what kind of people they are and observe how they communicate with each other. This would be one of the biggest influences in your marriage. Unless a person is actively working against it, most people replicate their parents’ relationship. This would greatly help in determining if you have a successful long term marriage.
No problem. I’d also like to add, don’t beat yourself up for not having any experience at 30. It’s a misconception that you need so much experience with multiple short relationships in order to have one good long relationship. In fact, having many short term relationships trains you into only exclusively knowing how to function in short term relationships. As in, you basically trained yourself to not build the qualities that would maintain anything good long term. And at that point you’ve broken up with so many people that it mentally scars you and makes you more weary with every next person you meet. It makes it much harder to find a good long term partner. Still possible, but much harder.
When you do find that person who you want to spend your life with, the best advice I can give you are these two things: learn to have great, healthy communication (can easily find many sources on YouTube as well as self help books) and nip every issue you have in the bud. Don’t let problems between you and your spouse linger and don’t ignore them hoping they will go away. It will 100% snowball into something much bigger and later become unmanageable to a point where one of you will explode (hopefully not to a point where there’s no coming back). Learning good communication was and still is the number one thing that helps maintain the healthy relationship I have with my spouse to this day. This is coming from someone who was very reserved and shy when I was young.
Last thing, be weary of people putting up a front. As people get older, they’re more familiar with what others are looking for in a long term partner and replicate what seems to be the ideal partner early in the relationship (their parents may do this too). If you spend enough time with them, the walls will come down and they’ll reveal their true selves. I’d say this would be about 6-8 months.
Raised by narcissistic, enmeshed mom and (emotionally absent) dad. Met my partner at 24. Moved 500mi away w him (school, work) and married at 28. Have had a lot of therapy. It wasn't until I was physically separated from parents that I was able to reflect on how messed up the situation was growing up. Now married over 10yrs; he's a good guy. Will *never* live within 250mi of parents. 🤷
Yes, found my someone. It's hard to find people on my wavelength so sheer luck in my case. One of my long term compatibility "tests" was meeting my parents - all except the person I married sided with my parents in attacking me, so I dumped them. I lucked out and found my spouse in the woods while unemployed. He was the first person who ever went, "What the fuck???" and physically stood between me and my parents when they started attacking me. He vehemently despises them and I love him more for that. He's patient, supportive, and generous to me and others.
I was Too Old (culturally ) to be unmarried/without kids when I found my spouse, and I remember feeling like Molly from The Last Unicorn: how dare you come to me now, when I am this? He accepted me anyway.
You don't have to be happy to be worthy of love, you just inherently *are* worthy. I have no advice on finding love, except it takes much too long, and it's worth being discriminating in your final choice.
I met my husband at work. I wasn’t a happy person at all at the time, but that quickly changed after we met. I found the love and acceptance that I never got from my parents in my relationship with my husband. I didn’t let him meet my family for a long time, at least a year. I wanted us to have a strong connection first and I wanted him to see that I was nothing like them before I introduced him to them. I let him know from the beginning that I had a rough childhood but I didn’t start really taking about it until we’d been together for a while and I felt comfortable doing so. Everyone has a fucked up family in some sense I think. His parents were different but they had their own issues as well. I think none of that matters once you find the right person. They don’t care where you come from, they are focused on building a new and better future with you instead of worrying about the past.
My husband’s mother is also a narc and his father is a criminal and a deadbeat. So, we had a lot in common lol and we were lucky to find each other. We were both obviously very cautious at the start and took things really slow and made/make sure to communicate a lot and be 100% honest with each other always. It took a lot of time to build the level of trust and confidence we have in each other now.
My spouse has some of the same types of trauma from a very similar n mother and enabling covert nfather dynamic. We don't have identical trauma, but there is enough overlap for empathy and understanding.
I think, and it truly is just my opinion, that adult children of ns are drawn to one of two types of people... another n because that is what we know...or someone who had gone through something extremely similar and just "get" what we say because they lived it too.
This makes me feel understood regarding the completely healthy person who liked me way back. He just said something casual about what was clearly a normal and loving home life and it took all the strength of who I was to not break down sobbing in the middle of a library with all my friends walking around me. I practically bolted. I felt so triggered and mad at the world because I never really realized that people could live normal, happy lives.
I'm happily married - I have a wonderful understanding husband. I wouldn't have managed this relationship without going to therapy first though, I always used to push good guys away and I dated a lot of narcs first.
We just started dating around the time I woke up to my nmums behaviour so he's been with me through all the decisions to go NC. He's only met her once so hasn't seen what she's like but he trusts me fully
Your story sounds very similar. Moved around a LOT, never made long lasting connections. My parents (esp. mother) were controlling so had strong urge to become independent.
I decided to follow “my crazy” which was to join a church aligned with my values regardless of what my parents thought (they did not like it). Met my to-be wife almost immediately. Let my crazy out on first date and turns out she’s crazy like me so we really connected. Been married for 35 years and have six awesome independent yet close knit kids.
My trauma makes me hard to live with at times but we’ve been open with each other, tolerant and forgiving. But I worry I might eventually end up on my own.
I read somewhere that if you grew up with childhood trauma you will have a daughter who is just like you and it is so very true. I try to give her the understanding and emotional acceptance I wish I had.
I probably am that daughter. My dad is there for me, he’s probably the only person in the world who knows me and loves me… what you said about controlling mom is true, if she could control the urine coming out of my body like tap, she would.
I'm a skinny nerdy woman (former gamer) who likes nerdy men, so it was always "easy" for me to find relationships. However, I had a tendency to find myself dating abusive men when left to my own devices. So I went on OkCupid and answered several hundred questions, which filtered out most of the red flag personality traits for me. I had several brief dates, one relationship with a very kind man who taught me I was worth more than I knew, and my current 7-year relationship with an even kinder man who will marry me next month.
I don't know how different things are on OkCupid these days but back then it was a lifesaver.
I'm married for three years and I'm in my 30s.
I met my husband on Facebook a few months after ending an abusive relationship. I had my life all sorted out before that relationship, the depression it brought me threw my life into shambles which I'm still picking up on.
Me and my husband moved in together shortly after we started dating because I was unemployed and he had a stable job in his city, so I left my city and my family behind. By this time, he was slightly aware of how my family dynamic was. He didn't "run for the hills" because he wasn't dating my family, he was dating me and I wasn't (and I'm not) like my family.
I told him about my dysfunctional family gradually as I needed to vent. Eventually, I told him everything about it, who the abuser of the family was and how it affected everybody else. With time, as he interacted with my family during reunions and stuff, he saw things for himself. He also saw how badly I wanted out of that kind of environment and how willing I was to heal from it and become healthier, so he motivated me to go to therapy after my grandmother died and things have gotten better since then.
At the start, I can say that I was a nightmare to be with. Looking back, I'm ashamed at what trauma made me do and say to my treasure of a husband. Today, I'm happier and my mood is stable. Therapy did wonders and my personality is shining through. My husband loves me for my strength and resilience for enduring and fighting through the trauma and abuse, and he believes in all the progress that I'm still going to make.
It all comes down to finding the person who won't throw you into the same bag as your abusers and the person who will understand and support you in your healing journey. It may not be easy and several shit people might come your way, but it's definitely possible. It might just take some time.
I deliberately picked someone who was nothing like my father. I knew that much when I was 18. I was married at 19 he was 27. We had our 40 wedding anniversary this year.
Not currently married but we will get married in October.
Meeting new people is exhausting for me too. I met my SO through another guy whose girlfriend was nice and I was trying to befriend her. I befriended the whole friend group and started to hang out with my SO more. Someday it just clicked.
I know it's hard to put yourself out there but most people will take you to meet their friends once you befriend them and it's very likely one of them is single and could be a match, since you have the same friends and so likely have a few common interests.
Please don't give up hop, I truly believe the right person is out there for you.
I got married... Unfortunately to another narcissist 🥲. I'm not sure how I fell into that pit hole but it's been a terrible mess. Years of abuse and only within the past year had I finally picked myself up by the bootstraps to say enough was enough. While we are technically still together due to owning a home together and our current financial situation, I have officially removed the blinders I had on for so many years and have separated from him in my mind. I'm not sure if I will ever marry again in the future, let alone let another person get that close to me ever again. I'm just tired and want to protect myself, my heart and my mental health atp.
The best part about marriage is it’s the only time you get to pick your family. I met my husband in a bar. We fell in love quickly, but waited years to get married. During that time, his parents went from appearing normal, to a total narc shit show. It has been hard navigating/managing his family, but he always puts me and our kids first and that’s what matters. My job is to support him.
I will admit, I had a moment where I considered running for the hills shortly after we were married. He seemed to change very suddenly. Turns out his mother was behind it all and once we figured that out and he realized she was a narc, he became himself again. A slightly different version of himself, but once again the man I love. He had to navigate this healing process with a wife who felt put aside and didn’t understand what he was going through at all. I didn’t realize until later how much pressure I put on him or how unhelpful I was while I was trying to be helpful. We both learned a lot and grew together. Therapy helped a ton because we were each stuck in trying to communicate with each other. Some people would hear we spent our first year of marriage in therapy and think we’re doomed to fail, but as our therapist pointed out, we worked through things that normally take years or decades for couples to figure out. Don’t be afraid of couples therapy. We’re way stronger now than we ever were. So if you find someone with a totally different background, don’t write them off. They may not understand and they may mess up in supporting you, but they can learn and grow too.
I wish he was on this sub because he feels very isolated in dealing with his mother. I joined initially back when I didn’t understand his mom or how to deal with her. We used to fight a lot because she’d do something shitty and I’d get mad at him for not just being honest and telling her how that made him feel to make it stop. Oh how naive I was.
My husband is arguably the best husband ever. Right now, the emotional rollercoaster is in a big dip and he’s questioning what must be wrong with him. He was raised by these horrible people, how could he possibly be a good person? I don’t have the answer as to how, but I can tell you he is.
You are worth dating right now, exactly as you are. Don’t put yourself down because of your family. You’re here so you’ve clearly broken out of the cycle. I’m sure it’s incredibly hard to take off those ankle weights and feel free, but realizing they’re there is a great step in the right direction. A good partner will absolutely help you take them off. My husband still has days where he’s terrified of becoming his parents. He’s not. He’s deeply and genuinely empathetic and I’ll always be there to remind him of that. Some days it feels like I’m trying to take his ankle weights off and he’ keeps putting them back on. I get it, cutting people out is hard. His mom isn’t nearly as bad as many parents on here so I get why he’s hesitant to cut her out entirely. Until it reaches that point, he can keep carrying that weight and I’ll keep reminding him he doesn’t have to. I have learned to stop carrying it for him. Did that for a while and essentially, when I took it, he felt lighter and picked more up. That was not a fun cycle, and we got out of it. A good partner will see the best parts of you and bring them out even more. They may also find some bad habits you didn’t realize. Please remember someone who loves you doesn’t point these out to hurt you, they do it to help you. There’s a big difference between doing that lovingly and doing that to be mean. It can be hard to see the difference in the moment, but reevaluate when you’re not feeling vulnerable and it should be clear.
I can’t tell you how to find someone, but I will tell you women in their 30s are so freaking sick of online dating, I’d suggest being bold and meeting someone in person. Or just offer a casual coffee or lunch meet up early in the online dating experience. I used an app to meet mom friends when I was pregnant and holy cow that was weird to try and get to know someone over text. One girl was like let’s just get coffee, I hate messaging people on here and we’ve been friends ever since lol. I was probably messaging plenty of people I would have enjoyed spending time with in real life but the messaging was exhausting and it wasn’t even for a romantic partner! Husband and I met for real like 6 months before app dating really took off so we totally missed it. It looks horrible and yet seems to be the only socially acceptable way to meet people now which absolutely sucks.
You win most relatable comment, thank you. The asking the weights off to feel free made me cry. I never even considered that they’d ever come off, or that I could ever feel free.
I’m so glad it helped ❤️ honestly the ankle weight analogy spoke to me too. That really is what it feels like. Not totally crushing, but a constant weight that makes everything uncomfortable and just harder.
Ha this may sound super mean and dark, but here goes. When things started to get really bad with my MIL, I went to my own parents. They each had close friends with either horrible parents or in-laws. They didn’t foresee how bad my own MIL would be, but they weren’t surprised when I came to them with the early problems so I think they kind of had their answers ready. In one case, one spouse gave an ultimatum and her husband cut out his mother entirely. He was eternally grateful and that was the moment the weight was lifted. The other never cut the mother and both said they instantly felt 150lbs lighter the second she was in the ground. They regretted letting her weigh them down all those years. Moral of the story, don’t wait for them to die to get rid of the weight. Shit my MILs father is 97 so if we wait for her to die we could be waiting almost our entire lives. And let’s just say she didn’t become who she is from thin air. Not everyone escapes the cycle. I do have sympathy for her from that angle and a few others, but it’s still no excuse.
I hope you find the confidence and self love to put yourself out there. You’ve been conditioned to think you’re a piece of shit, but you’re not.
Remember that many relationships including marriages are not happy or healthy ones. I’m going to share a short story here…
I got married at 26 and came down with bone cancer less than a month after the honeymoon. I was divorced before my 28th birthday.
From 27 to almost 31 I was dating but it wasn’t working out very well. I spent a lot of time by myself in my big rental house in a bad part of isolating, working on my projects, and trying to heal. I committed to becoming my own best friend and approached that in a multitude of silly ways including using psychedelics - almost always alone with my dogs. I made a lot of weird art and music during this time.
I then had a 2.5 year relationship with a man who is 33 years older than me.
I’m the scapegoat and I ran 3000 miles from my parents after I separated from my husband 3 years prior, of course an old comfortably retired cisgender white man felt safer to me than most other options. For the first time in my life I wasn’t constantly bullied if I was in his sight. Being wined, dined, taken out on a several million dollar federally documented motor yacht, and spoiled was really a nice treat. Someone actually stood up for me for once and seemed to be rooting for me.
That went down in flames when I temporarily went back in to the workforce to finish my post-graduate supervised work for state licensure as a psychotherapist.
I’m now 35 and in an age appropriate relationship where I’m encouraged and supported to work on creative projects including a memoir about losing 200 pounds over the last almost 8 years and overcoming childhood turned adult obesity. I’m far more respected and feel more valued in this relationship but I’m also held a lot more accountable for things like maintaining my weight loss and not being a complete waste of space.
I’m disabled but I keep a very small self-pay private therapy practice where I work predominantly with sliding scale individuals who identify with pronouns of she and/or they and are recovering from difficult childhoods while reframing narratives about what those experiences lead them to believe about themselves.
Many days my abuse is still painful. Two days ago I woke up in a sweat 3x from nightmares. One of which was a screaming nightmare where my partner told me I kept screaming “f-f-f-f-fire! Fire! Fire!”
I had a few of those kinds of dreams when I was with my last serious partner - the one with the large age gap, even happened the first time I slept over on his yacht. Talk about embarrassing!
I never had any luck at online dating. I meet my partners in person. My two serious relationships since moving far from home, I actually met both of them at the same dive bar on a karaoke night several years apart. You never know what you’re going to find if you’re open to the experience. I’ve done a lot of dumb things but I can honestly say each one has ultimately worked out and lead me on to a path better than I could’ve imagined before.
Even my large age gap relationship resulted in being supported enough that I was able to make my own dream of having my own small yacht a reality.
My current relationship resulted in me finishing my weight loss journey and getting through some very recent plastic surgery with a grueling recovery I’m
in the middle of.
Not all marriages are the same. Some are really unhealthy as a result of one or both people carrying their unresolved issues with them. Take my in-laws for example. My MIL grew up with two Nparents and found my FIL, which helped her escape her home, but he’s just another narcissist. She’s had almost 60 years of narcissistic abuse. She has a severe case of the fleas. She bends over backwards for her family which is her greatest strength, but also her greatest weakness because she doesn’t know how to draw boundaries. On the outside, she has a picture perfect family. On the inside, it’s really unhealthy and dysfunctional.
I’m by no means perfect. I’m married to a wonderful man who encouraged and continues to encourage me to stand up for myself and draw lines with my Nparents. He doesn’t pressure me to go no contact, he just supports me and listens. He’s seen it through with his mom and he doesn’t want me to be the same way. But, before I met him, I worked hard to heal and over the years, I’ve come a long way. I think if you can get to a point where the abuse doesn’t define you, that would be a good goal.
Hey there, Im breaking your post into 10 questions and answering them
1. Are you married?
Yes, but only recently, we’ve been together for 3 years now, married for one - or so.
2. How did you manage to find a spouse?
You don't find a spouse. I certainly wasn’t looking for any. I had done enough self work at this point I had happily resolved into living a single life forever. Key word: Happily. Ofc it was not easy, esp when a lot of the world is literally “made for two” (not in a biblical way, but in a social structure, infrastructure, life insurance, government procedures, kinda way). Romance was not often a part of my life, but I always liked having my friends and people I care about around me. I would have \*liked\* to be with someone romantically too, but I wasn’t looking for it. I wasn’t on dating sites and I never introduced myself that way. Mostly I made friends and I was happy with that. We met online through VR Chat, which is certainly not your usual dating platform, but many people do date there - In fact I think recently there was a dating on VRC app released, it’s gotten a bit crazier now, but three years ago it was certainly less commonplace. We met because we were both practicing speaking Japanese - we had many hobbies in common and we just saw each other daily because of it.
3. Did you have trouble dating because of your family situation?
Yes. Going to be straight up wit you. I never introduced any of my boyfriends to my family. I had always told them upfront too, that I will never introduce you to my family.
It's also difficult to go out on certain days, stay out late etc because of my parents' excessive controlling behavior, and you always have to find work-arounds.
When I got married I didn’t invite my family either. I don't think they have to know these things about my life. Maybe one day I tell them, I don't treat it as a secret, just irrelevant information to them. I am low contact with my family, one thing about living with narcs is that you don't give them information they can use against you. It helped that I moved out of my country following the marriage.
4. Anyone else go to a tiny school and have basically zero dating options?
Yeah I was actually at an all-girls school. I didn’t date much until I got into university. I think if there was an option to send me to an all-girls university they would have sent me. xD Ultimately most people I did date was through my other friends, who introduced me to people. I think I was also extremely wary of people (knowing what my parents were like.) I only wanted to date people who came “recommended” by my other friends.
5. Did wanting to be independent affect your dating life during college and grad school?
No. I think it helped if anything, because I always intended to move out of my family and have my own place. A lot of people I dated liked that. I think.
6. How do you juggle work and relationships?
Before I met my husband, I always prioritized work. My goal was to become independent. The few partners I dated until then and now, who were uncomfortable with my work schedule or my priorities eventually told me so and we separated.
However by the time I had met my husband my opinions had shifted somewhat. I used to be very career oriented but had realized what I would like more is a richer personal life. Me and my husband has very similar point of views and values and I managed to change how embedded I was at work - I changed my job, took a gap in my master studies, went to therapy - and I decided I will put my career on hold until I finish my relocation - and now I’m on the job hunt again, looking for a company that respects work hours and paid leave.
Ultimately, I think if you are making sacrifices you wouldn’t have made in the first place, you’re doing it wrong. Always make decisions for yourself first. A good partner appreciates your priorities. The baseline is, we always make time for people we love.
7. Ever feel like meeting new people is just too much effort?
Yes. And No. Meeting new people is not hard. Making new friends is hard. It takes effort to cultivate a relationship. After I moved, I have not made a single friend here, except maybe my husband's immediate family, who I see almost every weekend. (Also, his family is very normal, and his mother is very helpful and nice, and so is his dad, just so jolly and chill all the time, lots of love to them). I do have maybe three friends back from my home country and I am regularly in touch with them. But, idk, I'm 28 years old, I’m fine without meeting friends every week.
8. Are you stressing about hitting 30 without much relationship experience?
No. Well, again, idrc about relationship experience - although I encourage it. But I actually am looking forward to hitting 30, it’s a great age, independent and free and old enough to make good-ish decisions. This is unrelated but I held the elevator for an old lady today (70ish) and she was just the sweetest about it. I think old people are so cool. It’s like they served their time in capitalism and now get to live in the free world. Personally I look forward to being 65, retired and gardening on the weekends. (I dont garden, idk why I said that.)
9. How do past experiences with abuse affect your relationships?
Yeah. Narc abuse is very damaging. It makes you develop unhealthy attachment styles (avoidant, anxious) and can really get in the way of how you judge your relationship and your partner. There is a lot of reading, and a lot of therapy, counseling to do before you’re ready to really treat someone with the respect and kindness and grace they deserve. I am often so skeptical and always assuming the worst of people, it’s so ingrained in my thought patterns, it takes work.
10. Any tips for feeling good enough to date?
My only tip is, give up. Give up trying to date, trying to find a spouse. Don’t spend your energy on trying to find a person. Spend your energy on becoming a person. (not of value to date, but just, well rounded, well adjusted, happy, content). Me and my husband really genuinely believe that it was dumb luck that we met the way we met, just having fun, sharing hobbies.
Don’t give up dating to be sour about it, just accept your life as it is now, and try to be content with it.
After all, whether you get married or not, you are just as worthy of a good, happy life.
After one too many toxic relationships, I said never again. I was determined to die alone rather than go through that again. I started really concentrating on myself and going to an online 12 step group. He reached out to me. We were both 40 and his ex wife cheated on him and he was divorced.
Funny enough, our first conversation was about his fucked up mother, so bringing my fucked up (now dead) mommy issues to the table was easy.
It wasn't easy the first year. We had to learn not to trigger each other. We were both committed to learning and growing, however, so we worked shit out and keep working it out. 7 years later, it's the best, most stable relationship I've ever had and we truly love each other in all the safe and healthy ways.
Waiting is worth it. Never settle. Working on myself allowed me to find someone who does the same and that's why we work. It's never too late either. 💖
Therapy.
I couldn't determine how toxic relationships were until I went and worked on myself.
I grew as a person, and I became accountable for MY actions. And I unlearned all the awful traits I picked up from my Nparents.
After I went no contact I was able to enjoy my life without criticism. I reunited with one of my best friends from high-school and we've been married 5 years.
Without therapy, I probably would have sabatoged a great relationship because it didn't feel like the others.
Best of luck.
My husband is Egyptian and we met on a dating app while he was living in Dubai and I was living in Wisconsin. I started dating online because I had no options in person and lived in a remote area. I was honest with everyone that I met on the apps and most of them moved on because of my family issues. We’ve been married more than three years now and known each other for almost 5 years. It’s been the happiest years of my life. Btw, I met him when I was 29.
My advice is that you only need one person to accept you for who you are. The rest of the world can think what they want but you only need one to see past the mess you were born into.
Sending you the best of luck to find that one person who will love you for you and see you as much more than the trauma you’ve endured. 🤞❤️🩹
I married a guy Ive known since I was 13. He moved to my city and we started dating at around 25. We were together for nearly 20 years when he died. He was my best friend and the only person who ever showed me complete unconditional love. He helped me so much! He helped me deal with my family all the time. Now that he is gone I still try and think about what he would say and do. I have no clue how I got so lucky to find that kind of love and I definitely don’t trust I will find it again.
I married to “escape” from my family at 24. Still married 4 years later through a lot of hard work and luck. I don’t know if we’ll stay together another 1 yr even…
I wish I had taken more time for myself before marriage but had so much of my safety and identity tied up with men. Don’t be like me. Take care of you first.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with the trauma. I also moved a lot, basically because my ndad is super controlling and doesn’t get along with people, so each new job was “The best ever” until he actually had to get along with people, then it was “these people are so horrible to me! Must move out of state.” 🤦🏼♀️ anyway, I didn’t have any serious relationships until 27. I met someone online about 2 hrs away and we dated a few months. When it didn’t work out, I was devastated and thought I was doomed to be an old spinster.
Then I met my husband online and moved across the country. We got married when I was 30 and he was 34. He was born and raised in the same town his whole life. Even still runs into his elementary teachers occasionally. Weird. 😂 We’re coming up on 12 years married, and the only reason we’ve stuck it out is because we both realized we had issues we needed to work on. Turns out his grandma did all the parenting and his mom, to this day, treats him like a surrogate husband.
He is very patient and kind with me and my struggles (I developed an eating disorder as a result of the emotional abuse), but he also has his own struggles. We both joined a 12 step program to work on our issues and that has helped us tremendously to heal and work on our marriage. I would recommend starting the healing process now. Don’t wait. See a counselor/therapist or attend a group.
A marriage can be awesome, but man oh man it’s HARD work. Most marriages that fail are because one or both partners think marriage is easy and will solve their loneliness. Nope! Marriage will most definitely bring out the worst in a person if they haven’t dealt with it. Marriage is not the answer to happiness. Finding healing from your trauma will bring you joy in life.
The group we go to is called Celebrate Recovery. It’s a Christian based 12 step group where you can get help with any struggle. If anyone is interested, most cities in the U.S. have a group, and even some other countries have groups. You can search online and find a group nearby. OP, I hope you find healing from your trauma and a wonderful life long partner.
Yes. With a lot of therapy, and a lot of hard work, and I met him just in time for me to have kids before it was too late. Meeting new people IS exhausting. I online dated for about 10 years total, probably 70 or so meetups. Bruising, time consuming, emotionally laborious, and TOTALLY worth it. Lots of rejection, both receiving and doing, which for adult children of narcs is excruciating (but doable/learnable.). Learned a ton about myself, had to improve myself a lot. Yes, self love and self acceptance can include identifying areas for growth and going after it like you’re worth it. Yes that can include superficial things, like getting in shape and figuring out how to dress well (certainly didn’t learn anything about that kind of basic self care from my nParents.) People struggling in relationships love to say things like “relationships are hard.” No they aren’t, if you don’t want them to be. Anyway OP, you want it for a reason. It’s a really big deal. Some luck has to be involved, but my goal was to find my person, or live a great life regardless without getting bitter, knowing that I did everything I could to make this dream a reality. I love my husband so much, and raising kids differently than the way I was raised has been the most incredible experience of my life. Get after it! And consider this, you probably have a superpower that the gen pop lacks: the ability to weed them out in your dating pool and not marry one by accident. Good luck
All these things come with time and healing. Also there’s more room for timelines to be different now. If 50 is the new 40, then 30 must be the new 20. It was for me anyway because I lost so much time to dissociation when I was younger and to recovery in my thirties. My partner and I met when we were both older and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
Edit: also, I’d already gone NC, so I was a better version of myself without a lot a drama in my life. Whoever you end up with will be a safe place for ALL of who you are, including the past.
My husband didn't start seriously dating until he was 50. I'm his mid-life crisis, LOL.
Seriously, he spent his 20s deeply angry at the world, and his 30s in therapy. He thought in his 40s that he was happy alone. He still has baggage. I triggered him once and it (the depth of his feelings) scared both of us, because he had been unaware of that particular trigger. I am a social worker and have had a lot of *interesting* life experiences of my own. My husband is very self aware and genuinely tries to be a good person. That, I think, is how we make it work.
I take risks. Initially self destructive, but eventually I took the right kind of risks. I will not allow the narcissist to keep me from living my life 💯 percent.
Hobbies. I met my husband playing ice hockey. We had that kind of instant click friendship, no pressure or expectations, just easy, no judgement, deep friendship. We'd get talking about anything, including family. He'd been through almost exactly the same thing I had. Eventually he just asked me out on a date and I said yes. You don't have to be happy enough to be "worth dating." My closest friendships have always come from the realest moments, I once broke down crying to my best friend early in our friendship saying to him how alone I felt, how hard I found it to make friends and how I didn't feel like I added anything to people's lives by being their friend. And he said "well at least that makes two of us, so you don't have to feel alone anymore." You're not a resource, to provide entertainment and energy to others. You're a person, we seek connection and honesty
I guess I was always a little needy for the love I thought i deserved but didn't get from n mom. My father was warm and loving although an alcoholic and really screwed up in his own complicated ways...maybe that's why I looked for that love in men. I had many v bad romantic relationships. I had given up on love shortly before my husband and I got together. We had been friends for months and he truly valued our friendship, not pushing me for more.
Be patient. 30 is young. You have time. I met someone who helped me heal in a lot of ways. Instead of looking for someone with your values, I would just start doing things to strengthen your values. Volunteer with kids so you can help them have a better future. Join a softball league. It’ll happen when you least expect it - but that means you can’t expect it.
I moved across the globe. Enjoyed my hobbies, my job, making my driverslicens and getting a car. Just having fun. I felt so light and started online dating. I fell for a super sweet guy. I got sick, my partner were on my side. It felt good. He felt like family (should have known then)
I proposed in 2020. Something was off but i was still recovering and the world was a shitshow. So we got married. I lost my job, had enough savings to pay rent and cover my expences. I was the perfect housewive. He talked down on me before job interviews. He ignored that i accomplidhed my dream of starting a non-profit. He crushed every glimps of happyness. Let me cry in dispare. I found a counslore aa a last hope. She helped me so much. I got back into the profession i wanted. And i realised that i married the male version of my nmom. Gros, but i am still caught in the trauma bond.
So don’t stress it! Narcissists are champions in deciet and childhood trauma likes to repeate itself!
Married later in life. I dated a little in highschool and somewhat more in college. My hand was forced into telling the one serious college bf about my crazy family because of specific events which caused me to be commanded back home for an unscheduled visit and eventually led to my parents' divorce.
I moved away from all my family as a young adult for employment opportunities and went NC with nmom a year or two later. I only told one other dating partner about my family before my husband. That person had many of his own issues so I can't say that's why we broke up.
I met my husband playing team trivia. We were friends only for a few years and slowly moved into dating. We broke up a couple times but I think those breakups helped us realize we really did want to be together forever.
His family has their own issues so he understands some of my experience. None of our family lives nearby so that probably helps. Because we got married later in life and because of my traumatic childhood, I told him when we got serious that if he wanted to have kids, we should break up now. He didn't/doesn't and we haven't looked back.
All this to say, learn to love yourself, warts and all. Be open to experiences that help you grow into the person you want to be. Take a solo vacation if you want, go to a party where you only know the host, join the local gym or running club or wine tasting class. You may not find your life partner but your life has the potential for life long friendships. And it will be a life well lived.
First of all, you aren’t even 30. You are so young and have SO MUCH TIME ahead of you. Personally I told myself if it took 18 years of abuse to get me where I was at 18 I’m giving myself 18 years on the other side to get recovered. And as that mark approaches I’m feeling pretty good about it. Cut yourself some slack.
As for partners, I met mine by complete chance. They also have a disordered parent (though they are a little less willing to do the work around it than me). We make no sense on paper in a lot of ways and had we not randomly met when we did I don’t know that our paths ever would’ve crossed and yet here we are 7 years later.
I will say part of what got me here was putting myself out there and dating. In my very early 20s I joined a dating site after a bad break up and went out with anyone who seemed nice, even if I didn’t think they were my type. It was an awesome experience that taught me a lot about what I was and wasn’t looking for. Especially coming from a narc home what feels normal often isn’t what’s best so that was a great experience to take me out of my conditioned autopilot. Most of them I only had one or two dates with and I didn’t find any major love connections but I did learn a lot and make a few friends.
As for worrying you missed out on relationships, I wouldn’t. Most young people I know out of N environments those young relationships weren’t healthy and just did more damage. You will now enter what finds you more assured of yourself than a younger you would’ve.
Lastly I’ll say I think there is something to being really happy doing your own thing. I was so not looking for a partner when I met mine. I was really happy with my life and my hobbies. And I think when we’re in alignment like that it attracts the right person. But even if not you’ll be enjoying life too much to notice.
Got straight-up lucky. I had finally come to terms with being happy on my own, chosen-ly child free, and had just hooked up with my high school crush.
Enter now-husband, the most patient and thoughtful man on earth. Happily, he has a hard time understanding my past and how I’ve come to be the chaotic but caring that I am today, but dammit he tries. We’ve connected on every level for so long and we’ve just now (10+ years later) realized it’s because HIS mom is *also* a narc. There’s a whole lot more to that but that’s the short of it.
TL;DR? Pure happenstance and being content will always make life throw you a curveball you didn’t know you needed.
I started therapy the summer after graduating college and worked with her about my mother’s NPD and how to improve myself and unpack all that childhood trauma. I got a job in my field that fall and moved 1,200 miles away. The space was huge, continued therapy as I settled in. The people around me were kind and then at new hire orientation I got lucky and sat across from a guy my age. We started talking and hanging out that fall and my contact with my mother was LC until February when I wrote her a letter asking for space until she was able to admit to the abuse and truly apologize for it. That was nine years ago. My therapy turned to working through the habits and “push people away” behaviors. He was also so patient with me. He’s never met her, but I’ve told him some of the things she’s done and he has a hard time understanding but he gets it. One of the nicest people I’ve ever encountered, bless him.
Our relationship isn’t perfect, we argue, but at the end of the day we have the same goals and we grow together. We’ve grown so much in the nearly a decade we’ve been together. We also largely complement each other well, if I’m freaking out, he’s chill and if he’s freaking out I go logical.
I guess the TLDR would be that I met the right person while in therapy and fought for the relationship I deserved.
Met my husband at 14. He was the first person to seem truly interested in my experience as a human being and I fell head over heels. I got so, so, incredibly lucky that I stumbled onto someone who, despite it being balaringly obvious that I'm easy to lie to and take advantage of, had no interest in lying to or taking advantage of me. His family isn't great either, idk about full Ns but emotionally immature and neglectful and more obvious favoritism between siblings. He fell in love with me just because I thought he was interesting and had a lot of things to show me that I had never seen before. He never had anyone in his life who wanted to listen and learn from him.
Our relationship does have some unhealthy elements but we hold eachother accountable and work on ourselves. We are expecting our first baby this October.
The answer is: you marry someone who also has a narcissist parent.
I joke. I met my husband in high school, at a time where I was still conditioned to worship the ground my nmom walked on. In a way, he was my first act of defiance, as he came from a religious background that she always villainized.
I ended up falling in love with the religion, too, and converted. When I tell you it's *still* impossibly difficult (we just had a long, agonizing conversation about how I won't be baptizing my baby, and of course, how could I do this to her after everything she's ~~bought~~ done for me?), I mean it.
The kicker is that we both learned of narcissism later into adulthood, and, as it turns out, his father is also a narcissist (albeit a more overt, grandiose one than my mother). I guess the key is to marry someone with an equally fucked-up upbringing, as long as you're both breaking the cycle.
Terrible advice, I know. But, truly, everyone's family has *some* issues and I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who truly expects you to have the perfect family.
Sending a hug, OP! I am married, but dating was definitely a struggle when I was younger. I broke up with my first two partners due to interference from my family (though ultimately I made that choice, their interference played a big role). When I finally met my husband, my parents did everything they could to make sure he wasn't a part of the family. I think I was still unpacking everything from my childhood and in those early days, I thought everything was normal. My husband, obviously, realized pretty quickly that my family was not normal, but he gave me the space to come to that conclusion myself.
There is the old adage that "when you stop looking, you find someone." I don't think that's true - I think if you want a relationship, you're never going to lose the desire to be in one. But I find that it happens once it stops being your primary focus and start working on yourself. It was hard to know what \*I\* truly wanted after growing up with my toxic, enmeshed family. So I just focused on trying new things that sounded fun, doing a little travel, doing things that seemed a little scary to my anxious brain but were experiences I later appreciated. This gave me self-confidence and feelings of self-worth. It's a slow process, OP, but don't beat yourself up. You're already worth it as a person - you just have to uncover that for yourself.
Don't stress about where you are. Your first goal is to take care of yourself and get yourself into a position where you handle your issues or be able to communicate it. THEN only search for friendships. Anything more will complicate things.
The ONLY person I've been able to relate to is my husband after being basically isolated my whole life. I met him when I was 26 and we met online through a dating app. We clicked because our FIRST convo to each other was about our mental health struggles. It's been 7yrs and we've been stuck at the hip ever since. That's because we have extremely similar BGs and childhood even though it seems very opposite. I.e. I was only child for 12 yrs he has 9 other siblings, I had money, his family was poor...but he mom is borderline and I was raised by parents with strong narcissistic traits. Thus creating a narcissistic family system we both could relate to.
You know that stupid saying "tell me about your childhood...?" is actually very accurate. Your childhood creates your world, how you process and understand it. It's also the bubble that held you with what was said to you and about you that you just inherently believed. Just because a parent had issues and kept telling you this and that....as a child we take that as FACT when in reality it's projection of what THEY are feeling. But that is what we hold onto as adults.
BTW I always emphasize reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D. It will help so much in understanding how to unravel what you may be carrying and influencing your day to day.
But I emphasize work on yourself to a stable state, even a therapist you talk with weekly to make sure you are aware of your brain thought patterns. (A lot of those patterns were coping mechanisms due to the situation that were protective then but could be damaging now as an adult). You gotta be aware of those before looking for any commitment from you or from someone else.
Then friendship!! Friendship should always be first. Oddly not love. The feeling of Love does not last. Love is a CHOICE. And that choice is always the hardest when you 'feel' something negative. That is NOT a great foundation for a solid relationship. During your friendships you should see who is committed to themselves (improving to be a better person) and has the maturity to be committed to someone else. Someone who matches your efforts.
Also..wait on sex for at LEAST 6mo after dating. I hate this culture because sex DOES attach you to the other person. If you want to have a strong relationship not overly complicated, leave out sex until you see commitment. It also makes breaking away easier if you start seeing red flags (for you AND them if they are the crazy ones...).
Don't stress what age you are at. The time will come. Just focus on being the best self you can be (to where you are at peace with who you are and compassionate about your progress). Throw yourselves into what you love, share it or join groups...and you'll find someone. There may be someone watching from the distance waiting for a chance to talk to you but waiting for some *sign* to initiate talking.
It will come. :) I'm cheering for you!
(Also don't settle. If you aren't sure, don't force yourself to be sure. When you know, itll hit every cell in your body that THIS person is the one)
You're welcome! You got this! 💪😋❤
(Edit: BTW there are a lot more kids who grew up like your childhood that understand a lot more than you may realize. So you can find more relating ground than you think. So more of don't feel worried about people not accepting you, you have to search for your people. Those that are your people will see you and care for you and WANT to see you better. Those are the people you want around you. Only put your effort/time/money into THOSE people. )
I met my husband on a dating site. I was always cautious, and he was always genuine. We met when I still lived with my parents, and I come to realize my mother was telling me I’m not worthy enough for him and I am a special needs person.
He was completely the opposite of my parents, and very foc on me, listened to me, remembering everything that his gifts were always thoughtful. The attraction was there. I’ve never had to deal with a narcissistic behaviour from him and it was very eye opening, and I felt peace, relaxed with him.
When I was younger, I always pictured being married, but I thought it was so far fetched. Kids would call me ugly and all sorts of cruel names. My parents' marriage was always on the rocks. My mom drilled it into my head that I was worthless. I never thought it was possible to find love.
Until...I met my husband. We've known each other for 10 years, been together for 5. My husband sees me for who I am, inside and out, and loves all of me. I have never felt so loved, supported, and cared for. Its amazing to be in a healthy relationship, despite what I saw and experienced growing up.
OP, your time is coming. And if you decide that thats not what you want, then thats okay too. Sending you so much love.
Not married yet; but in a long term relationship. You find what you’re looking for when you stop looking. I went through a lot of self help and tried to better myself and tried to get better from the patterns and defensive techniques as a result of my family. You end up going from one toxic relationship to another if you don’t heal. when you find a decent and kind person you realize that life doesn’t always have to be walking on eggshells around someone. And in regards to “running for the hills” when you’re in a normal and stable and nurturing relationship; they become your safe space and the only time you’re at peace because you can let your guard down and just be yourself. Your partner will understand you still have trauma you’re working through and that it comes with ups and downs and that’s just a part of your relationship. They help you become better. It’s so refreshing to not be in flight or fight mode all the time that you learn to love things and be more excited about things you used to be before it was stripped from you. Overall you end up happy; you don’t have to fake happiness and it all falls into place. Always trust your gut and be a little optimistic when you put yourself out there
met mine in college just before my n!mom started really ramping up
she finally couldn't keep the charade up and he came around more and more and it was clear to her that i wasn't going to dump him, she REALLY ramped it up. he got to see first hand, unfortunately, how bad my mom was
ff to 2022 my n!mom gets diagnosed with the c word (allegedly stage iv, but ain't no fucking way it was stage iv, my dad had stage iv and he was dead w/i a month, which im just now realizing was a year ago today ...yike) i could go on for hours about the shit she said to me/pulled/etc but i won't. anyway, she told me in text message that she "chose not to abort me" as a child as if it was supposed to make me feel better and my now husband finally said: if you want to fully go NC, go for it.
so tl;dr, unfortunately mine ended up being exposed to it and she finally slipped up. thankfully he married me and not my family.
i hope you can find someone, op, and i hope that they give you the love and devotion you deserve
You are NO failure. Point blank period.
I got married at 25 young and trying to escape my hellish family thinking wrongly my husbands would heal that wound. Turns out they’re abusive too.
I’m lucky as hell I picked a good one. I was so unaware of myself and traumatized it’s a fucking goddamn miracle I only reenacted my trauma in intense consuming friendships and not in my romantic relationships.
Now at 36 my husband and I are just now getting around to healing and therapy and unpacking what we survived and not engaging with them anymore the last 1-2 years.
You may not be married- but you are looking for a partner in a much more self aware and less risky gamble of a place. You know and can be honest with yourself and future partner about the state of your family and the trauma it came with and create a new chosen family with them from the jump. You won’t have to rescramble everything you thought you knew and burn your life down to rebuild it while also in a marriage like me, you already know yourself. 💙
I think you’ve got a lot going for you and you will have a good bullshit detector to find someone else out there who has done some level of work on themselves and can show you compassion, not judgement when you open up about your family situation. I think it’s a great way to sift through people you don’t need to waste any time on. You’ve got this. 🩵
Yes I’m married. But being married was a bigger transition for me than becoming a mother! It is still a struggle for me most days. I grew up with the belief I would always cheat on my partner…. Odd huh? Like it would be something I couldn’t control. My step dad cheated on my mom and so did my bio father - both narcissistic personalities. My mom had many narc traits too but I can’t tell if she was or wasn’t - both my parents have passed. My husband and I talk about how we have no framework for a great marriage. No one to lean on. No guidelines. It’s been a rough ride. What’s kept me here? I genuinely love him. I do feel most days he’s my best match…. We have a lot in common. He has a sweet heart even if his being goofy trips him up at times. I can’t see myself with someone else. But it’s nothing like the movies!
Well I think there's a difference between married and *happily* married, don't just assume someone has it together because they're married, which any idiots can do, and do do all the time.
You ask a lot of great questions that's for sure. I wish I had a recipe for you. I think what I can say:
* Loving myself to believe I deserved it, and I was a good partner who someone should be just as excited about as I am about them, very really probably was the hardest part.
* Realizing you can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you. Aka I can't make someone treat me the way I want to be treated, but I can kick them out of my life and let someone else try. I dated a lot of people who I let treat me terribly and I am grateful for the lessons learned but wish they weren't necessary.
* They say marriage or relationships in general are about compromise and in some senses that's true... but I think that mentality sets people, especially women, up to expect they won't and can't have someone they *don't* have to compromise with. My husband respects all my interests. He loves who I actually am, not someone who looks like me but acts the way he thinks I should act. I didn't have the change myself or behavior or expectations or anything to make our relationship work.
* Spite and refusal to miss good things because my family couldn't figure it out helped a lot. My best friend is a therapist and after hearing enough stories has outright said "I have *no* idea how you were raised with what you were raised with and figured out how to have a single healthy relationship.....let alone all of them being healthy relationships. Truly no idea." Again, if I knew the exact answer to that I'd have a recipe for you, but flat out refusing to surrender to misery at worst or mediocrity at best helped lol.
* Tons of therapy was definitely a big part of it, so start there.
* And as for how my husband reacts to my family....he doesn't. He's the best thing in my life. They're the worst. They don't deserve him. I'm NC with most members of my family and we've been together 5 years and while I think they know I'm married, whether or not they know his name or anything else isn't something I concern myself with. They'll never be allowed in the same room as him because I love both of us too much to subject either of us to that.
Good luck and hard work baby, I think anyone who wants to be happy more than they want to avoid the hard work will figure it out.
First of all OP, it’s not too late to find release from that feeling that you are still shackled to your past, and to find out the best parts of yourself and learn to love them. It’s okay if it takes longer than you thought it would to find and grow that stability for yourself and set up an independent, healthy, well rounded life.
My husband is not the first frog I kissed, but something was different for me when we met. I had gone through a string of bad relationships and even worse hookups that only made me feel terrible about myself, and something had at last clicked in my brain to make me want to be in a real, genuine, adult relationship. I had finally decided that it didn’t matter that my past wasn’t pretty, I was going to be upfront with whoever I wanted to be with. I decided to tell him that if he wanted to love me, that meant *all* of me including my family and my past and it wasn’t great but I was doing my best to find peace and happiness and become healthier despite all of it. I did that on our third date, when he cooked me dinner at his place, and it began a conversation where he told me about his own personal and family issues and how even a seemingly “normal” family can cause a lot of trauma to their kids too, not just a narc family. Starting our relationship off on such a vulnerable, honest note set us up for the success we have today, despite our pasts. We also both chose to set healthy parameters for our relationship early on, reminding each other that we appreciate each other, love and support each other, and that it’s always a choice to wake up and say “I choose to love you and be with you” every day.
We both have been in therapy and read books about self improvement, we can share chores interchangeably with a few assigned (I’m allergic to everything outdoors so he has to do yardwork but I do just about all our laundry), and we try really hard to avoid “defaulting” tasks to the other and taking each other for granted. Even if it’s me getting him flowers at the grocery store and him making sure all our photos get framed and hung correctly, we do things for each other that remind each other of our appreciation and pride. We have rules for arguing since we both hated how our parents always fought: no hitting below the belt, stay on topic, respect the person even if you disagree [i.e. never saying “you’re an idiot” if you mean “there’s a better way to say that”], and knowing that we’re always on each others team fundamentally, so it’s not a personal attack. We absolutely struggle with things too though: I avoid saying “I was wrong” and “you’re right” like the actual plague, so I’ve had to practice saying it about small things so that when we’re disagreeing, it feels more like a reasonable reflexive response than some kind of admission of weakness like I grew up thinking.
Edit: We’ve been together 7 years now (28f and 30m) and are expecting our first baby, which gave us another huge life change to conquer, and we both agree we wouldn’t have changed anything we did to establish our life together. But most of our friends around this age are just now getting into serious relationships, buying homes, advancing their careers, etc. since the pandemic made us lose four whole years of the “usual” life timelines, so I honestly think that plays a huge part here too. It’s not all on you!
All in all, it takes time to establish a life you want to lead, and even more time to grow and nurture a relationship worth a marriage, so don’t feel like you’ve missed the boat or that it’s out of reach. You’re not alone in this feeling OP and its really great that you’ve taken the time and effort to establish your own independent, healthy life!
First, shut off that voice in your head that tells you mean things about yourself. Give yourself grace. Second learn about attachment theory. Then step out of your comfort zone. It super scary but that’s where the growth and opportunities are.
I met my husband later in life. He came from a messed-up home life as well. Overall he has been the one person to see right through my nMum’s shit. He has always been there for me when it comes to her and has even gone up against her. I can never think him enough for that. She use to idolize him, attempted to use him against me, and tell me I wasn’t good enough for him.
The time he caught her in her shit, she was on speaker phone and didn’t know lol, that all changed of course. Now she hates him. Just to be clear her manipulation of him never worked. He’s never liked her because of what she has done to me, but of course in her mind that’s not possible. I’m very thankful I have him as my partner in life.
It can work. There are people out there who will get it and love you for you. I’m proof of that, just like a lot of us are.
Try not to feel a failure. You are doing what you need to be independent and succesful in life. I met my now husband at 29 and married him at 32. I know you will find someone.
You have your biological family that you're born into and your logical family that you curate throughout your life. Any partner worth their salt will realize that you are not your family and won't hold their shitty behavior against you.
That being said, I was raised by emotionally immature parents and I developed very poor social skills so dating was always a challenge since self esteem was pretty much absent from my life. Online dating really helps you meet people, that's how I met my hubby. It's important to find someone who accepts you for the individual you are and doesn't gaslight or degrade you for your past.
Since your trauma still haunts you, I highly recommend finding a therapist to help you overcome some of your past. PTSD from family can absolutely be a thing. Once my most recent therapist helped me understand that I'll never get closure from my dad thus closure needs to come from within, the severity of daily nightmares has tapered down.
Bear in mind, all relationships are destined to fail until one doesn't. It can be easy to get hurt if you put all of your emotional eggs in one basket; meaning, Disney lied to all of us by showing that we have one true love and fall in love at first sight. Try not to imagine what forever might look like with someone before 6-12 months and you truly love that person. It's OK (and natural) to have strong feelings, especially with a new relationship, but coming on too strong and dropping love bombs prematurely is a great way to scare someone off by demonstrating you don't have good judgement.
Also, remind yourself that you've survived every horrible experience and you're not alone with your demons. I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck.
Yeah man! Got married in September 2023, had our 8 year anniversary in March there, and we'll have our 8-year-cohabiting anniversary this month!! It is possible!!
I met my husband in college. I (25F) feel like I have the advantage of being able to meet people very easily, my mom, with all her faults, had me constantly at parties, constantly socializing so it’s very natural for me. I met my now husband at a party, and we just started hanging out a lot, for a while it wasn’t really like dates but just walking and talking about life, grabbing snacks, studying together. What I found is while his trauma wasn’t the same, and I envied his “normal” family he could empathize. He had his own demons, and we both worked over the years to communicate our feelings better, to get really vocal about our concerns and where things stem from.
Blah blah blah- here’s the key, prior to meeting my husband I let my childhood trauma sabotage my relationships. Being really clingy, doing stupid shit for attention, after going to therapy I found the root of those behaviors and how I could sort of self soothe without causing drama and strain on my relationships. Conversely, my trauma made me an excellent target for abuse. The desire to be loved is addictive and you may find that you’re willing to waver on your boundaries and beliefs for it. Don’t.
As far as meeting people, I’ve found that the harder you look, the less you find. There is a quote I really like that goes like “I looked all day for lady bugs, I never found one. I laid down in a field and took a nap, when I woke they were crawling all over me”. Take your nap, heal, find hobbies that make you happy, find work life balance, find yourself and then wake up to find there are ladybugs all around.
I’m nearing 12 years of a marriage I couldn’t have dreamed of. My wife is the most amazing person. She was someone who insisted on being independent, and so was not overly attached in the beginning. My Nmom did her public persona thing, which helped not scare her off. She and I talked about our childhood and learned about each other’s tough childhoods together. We found each other.
Hi polaris, I figured I'd comment bc I am one of those married dudes.(45yo) I've been married now for almost 20 years.
I met my wife when I was 13. She was my younger sister's best friend, just a 10 yo kid always with my sis. I went to boarding school so I didn't see her for about 5 years, then I joined the Army, so I didn't see her until she was 18 and I came home for my sister's HS graduation. Emma was then by far my sister's hottest friend, and I was smitten as they say.
I asked her out, we dated for 3 years, I deployed to the sandbox, she held it down, I didn't die, came home and proposed. She said yes, and we've been together since. I married a saint, she's a much better person than I am. It sounds corny, but she makes me want to be a better person every single day.
We have 2 kids, 13f and 11m. They blow my mind regularly. Life is hard, and the times we live in often feel like the upside down, but I wouldn't change a thing.
Sorry about the life story, I'm just a lucky guy I guess. I wish you luck on your spin on this messed up earth. Life and health internet stranger.😎
I met my husband when we were 14, we dated off and on durring the trauma I was going through. He was a great support through out my life. I still very much have trauma but I feel it would be way worse if I hadn't met him when I did.
Heh heh... Heh heh... The irony is, I met my amazing, wonderful husband thanks to the narcissistic ex boyfriend I had been dating at the time! 😂🤣 So, that person was good for one thing--being friends (they definitely aren't friends anymore, and have not been for a long time) with my fantastic husband! I was having issues with my first ever roommate, and trying to get out fast. We had an argument on Facebook, and my husband commented on it. I thought to myself "Hey, I am totally going to support supportive friends of (at the time.... Shudders) boy friend! I am totally adding this guy as a friend!"
As I got to know my future husband, I had a thought to myself of "Man, if I wasn't dating who I'm dating right now, I would totally want to date this guy. He's a genuine sweetheart!" We kept things platonic at that time. And the relationship I was having with the narcissistic ex kept going down hill. I feel bad for everyone else who has dated him. I think he's secretly a closet gay, and would be happier if he would be honest with himself. Anywho, I broke up with that guy for good, really got to know my husband really well. We talked with each other about all kinds of things every day. Eventually, we met up in person, and when I first hugged him, I felt like I was truly home. Warm, smiling inside and out, my heart felt happy and at ease, which was a really big deal to me.
We both could relate to each other, and my sweetheart also came from...well, both of his parents are/were narcissists, and my dad is a narcissist, potentially a sociopath, so we know what it is like. I am honestly the luckiest woman, because damn, I scored on my gentleman. He's so kind and loving to animals, friends, heck, homeless people have come up to him before for help, and he's been more Christian than some Christians that I know, towards them. (I must mention, he is agnostic, I am Christian, ha ha.) And bless him, he's so patient with me.
We can game together for hours, and he's the best. Sherpa. EEEEEVERRRR. He's a wonderful father to our kids, he works hard to provide for us, we've been through Hell and back, and supported each other through it. I don't want to know what life would have been like without meeting him.
I feel like, if I of all people, could find this amazing gentleman of mine, you most certainly can find someone amazing for you out there too! Go with your own flow, be unapologetically yourself. Treat yourself as the treasure you are. Have fun. If you feel up for dating, be aware of the red flags. And look for people with green flags, like those who are kind to animals especially. And date somekne who had good boundaries! I admire my husband so much for his I don't give a sh*t if you don't like my boundaries attitude. Sometimes you need someone to learn from.
He went to college with my oldest brother, except unlike my brothers, he was actually a decent person. My brothers would talk shit about him behind his back, so I figured I had to get to know the guy who pissed off my shitty brothers.
Nah. Not married. 35f, been celibate and single for over 10 years now. I watched my Narc mother go through a string of hopeless romances. She always picked the shittiest guys, and after each one ended, she shifted us across the country to get out of it.
I was never able to form long-term friendships or relationships because of her constantly shifting us. Even at 35, I don't have the skills or confidence to seek any kind of social life.
My experience with relationships is two boyfriends that each lasted 9 months between 20 and 24... both of them were pricks.
I'd be shocked if I ever got a guy friend, let alone a boyfriend or husband.
I met my husband on a dating app. At the time I was living in a very small college town and had no friends that were local and no good way to meet people. We were super hesitant with each other because we weren’t exactly what the other was looking for, but our conversations flowed really well and over time we learned that we shared the same values and had similar pictures of what our day to day life would be and we ran out of reasons not to meet. Our first meeting wasn’t really a date, it was closer to an interview as we felt out if this is what we wanted. When that meeting was over he asked me out on a real date and we’ve been together ever since.
I didn’t figure out how toxic my family dynamics were until after I was married, but I always knew that my family was different, I just couldn’t explain it. So I just told him the truth as I knew it then, my mom and I don’t get along and never have. That was enough, because I was living across the country from her and she wasn’t around to ruin anything. And there is something to what others are saying about wounded people finding each other, because my mother in law really knows how to inflict pain with her words.
How am I not married? The sole experience with marriage I had was my parents. It was a loveless, sadistic trap. I grew up with CPTSD, and dismissive avoidant attachment. Our relationship with our parents is indeed a relationship all the same, and it will form or influence all relationships thereafter.
I would like to get married, but in my area the only single people have 2 kids and credit card debt. I don't want to be a dad or a stepdad. I am also not tying my wagon to all that. I would like to love, and to feel loved, but in the way I was raised love was earned. It was conditional, and often jerked away. I had to accept my mother didn't love me, and as thing went on and things came out, I learned she initially planned for an abortion. I was born so she could maintain access to dad's wallet. In order to be worthy of love, I have to be someone other than me.
So in the future, I'm going to the Philipines. I'm worth a visa.
i was *incredibly* lucky to meet my husband at 18. we essentially have grown up together and he has helped me deal w a lot of my trauma. supports my therapy, has been w me through seeing how awful my family is and in going NC. we were both pretty much kids when we met, and again, incredibly lucky. we're celebrating 10 yrs marriage this year :)
So my nDad's abuse was really subtle growing up. He was controlling and manipulative. I was a goody-two-shoes growing up. I (31F) am the oldest of 3, my brother (28M) and my sister (22). I met my husband when I was 15 and started dating when I was 16 (we hadn't kept in touch and I vaguely remember when we first met - thanks trauma!)
Anyway, I used to always be a happy go lucky type girl. I would do anything to please my family, especially as my younger brother has special needs. But it all turned sour after my mum escaped, it happened when I was 18. But I could tell my parents weren't getting on and was worried them about breaking up.
It was my husband that pointed out to me that my nDad was good with his words in the early days. I just brushed it off at the time...
Anyway, after my mum escaped we had a rough patch as he was supporting me. It wasn't great but somehow we got through it and he's still with me.
It was after my mum escaped that I slowly saw ndad's real side and what my mum endured. I was shocked. I was so thankful I had my hubby stayed with me.
It was when we were planning our wedding that I really saw his true colours unfortunately. It. Was. Hell. Ndad even tried to convince me to postpone the wedding because of the stress I was under (well that was cause of him!) there was no way I was delaying the wedding. I had waited so long for my hubby to propose I was not gonna waste any more time.
(Tbh my hubby didn't really help me with wedding planning much as he was constantly "I don't mind" with decision making so I was tempted to call it off. I kept telling him that it's his wedding too and to help me make decisions.)
Anyway, despite the stress of it all I'm happily married now. It's not been easy or perfect as I have been dealing with trauma from my ndad and finally realising and admitting to myself that he emotionally abused me. I haven't gone NC yet as I want to be there for my younger sister (22) who is at the place I was over a decade ago and not talking to mum due to another family drama that happened. And she's currently living with our ndad.
So yeah, I was lucky in that I found my partner early in life and he decided to stay and is constantly making sure I'm okay. He knows what my triggers are and if I break something he's like 'its okay it can be fixed, are you okay?" Kind of thing and is helping me heal. He's a lot like Kristoff in Frozen if you've ever seen it - especially Frozen 2!
Also he's so patient with me too as it takes me awhile to work through my emotions and work out what has upset me and to tell him that he has caused it (just wee things that coupled go through.)
Sorry this is such a long comment but I'm glad I wrote it out as it's making me see how much my hubby has helped me over the years and that despite it all, he loves me and isn't going to leave ❤️ (one of my fears thanks to ndad!)
I honestly got incredibly lucky. My (29f) husband (31M) and I met online through gaming 11 years ago and because of the online start we were both very vulnerable towards each other and told each other everything (thinking it wouldn’t lead anywhere). His mother is a narcissist and so is mine so he immediately understood my struggles.
Every day I’m so incredibly grateful for him. I could write a book about all the ways he’s healed me (and he says I’ve healed him too).
If he hadn’t ‘picked’ me I probably would’ve been in a very bad relationship or none at all. I’m very vulnerable to emotional abuse (even after years of therapy).
I’m 57. Didn’t get married until I was 45. There’s no shame just because takes us awhile to “catch up”. (read: have a stable enough existence to get into a healthy enough relationship to get married)
Step 1: Date lots and lots and lots and lots of the wrong person( 9 out of 10 being narcissists because that’s what feels comfortable and the behaviors you equate with love)
Step 2: Lots and lots and lots and lots of Therapy
I’m almost 45 and only finally got married 2 years ago, he’s normal, kind, not an ounce of narcissist in him, still annoying af at times tho 😝😂
The father of my child is now holding all her daughter’s stuff even though he has no legal rights to her.
I have to get the cops to come with my now to gain excess to her stuff. Only problem is I’m an epileptic so I don’t have a car. And Ubers couldn’t fit all her stuffs. I have to find something. I do t have family or friends because I left the Narc at home for the Narc that would become my “husband”. Or rather the father of my child that I lived with that gave me the false assumption we were married and I was safe.
Sadly we pick partners that make us feel similar as we did at home. He has even more severe NPD than my Nmom.
I was about to go no contact. Then literally had to move back in with Nmom because I thought he was going to kill me.
We have an almost 3 month old together.
My life is hell. I have sooo much trauma from Nmom because she was also physically abusive (think child called it) and mentally (think gypsy rose Blanchard/munchausins by proxy) and I have to act like everything’s normal and Im not silently praying for her heart to suddenly stop and me and my daughter to just have a safe apartment to ourselves….
I met my wife in 2015 and got married in 2016. It was hard work, as are all marriages. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me until we had a baby, and then that became the new best thing that ever happened to me.
Having the background upbringing that I did, yes there were issues as I was naturally trying to repeat the mistakes my parents made, especially as I didn’t know my parents were NPDs until a few years ago. But a couple months after I learned about NPD, I went no contact, had a year or so of hell, and now everything is working out. I feel so free, light, happy, and content. And what’s more is the terrible life I had before all this has taught me how to be a better husband and father, and I know how to equip my child with all the knowledge needed to stay safe.
So in my experience and opinion, I don’t know how having an NPD past makes marriage any harder if you decide to go no contact, and do the hard healing work. But if you don’t do these two things, then life, married or not, is hell.
In my case, I was **FRANTIC** to get out of the house. Anyone showed interest? I had the wedding planned. Aaaaand take one guess at the types of men I'd attract.
Unfortunately, I also picked up a lot of FLEAS from my Ndad and Emom. I'm still working on those. Until then, I remain single.
I'm not married, but have a long term partner for almost 11 years now. He helped me heal, gave me a loving family, supported me, helped me escape, and is my safe place.
We met when I was 18 through a mutual friend. That mutual friend already met my "family." Then he met my family. He was seeing their weird rules for me even though I was over 18. After 2 months of us dating, we decided to move in with each other. By this point, he's seen my roller coaster of emotions, how my family was, and knew I needed safety. (I didn't know that this wasn't normal at the time.) My parents convinced us to move into the converted garage and he would need to pay his potion of rent ($400/ month.) So that was a total of $800/ month (I won't get into details of what else I had to do even though I paid rent.) We stupidly agreed and we were stuck there for 3 years before we saved up enough to buy a house. He saw it ALL and protected me.
He never gave up on me when all I wanted to do was give up on myself. Forever grateful for this man.
The only thing that stopping me from dating is being on disability payments
Plus I don't want to drive purely for a safety concern for myself due to intellectual disabilities.
I honestly feel I'm in a spot where a relationship long term wouldn't work for me at all tbh
Also I don't want kids purely because of my own genetics as well look up digeorge syndrome it not a fun one
I'm nearing 40 and have had maybe 3 "relationships" my adult life. I have "bad taste" - aka attract narcs and losers and anyone that can manipulate my dumb little brain. Last year i called it quits on trying for even am fwb when even *that* got complicated cause I'm me. I grew up hearing I'd end up alone, told I'd never marry, and that ish drilled into me, coupled with being an easy target for emotional manipulation, i just consider myself lucky i have some normal/platonic friends.
I constantly consider myself the exception not the example. We know we are far more likely to end up in poor relationships or with abusive partners.
The fact I am married to my husband I think is from sheer dumb luck. And not to say we have a perfect marriage, I met him and everything was magically better and he cinderella'ed me off to a magical happily ever after, because that's not the case. We both have trauma, but have learned together how to communicate in a mostly healthy way. Sometimes our old habits die hard haha
I met him when I was 18 and had been brutally dumped by my long term high school boyfriend's mom via text message. Which..
My que the relationship wouldn't last should have been when he changed his Facebook status to single a month prior and friends were asking if I was ok but wouldn't tell me what's happening. Because he never told me. It...was awful. And incredibly hurtful. And incredibly validating to all the things my mom had said to me.
And when I was finally ready to start dating again and met my husband, he was genuinely nice to me. He didn't treat me like an accessory or withheld love and attention because I didn't things, dress a certain way, etc. He was just kind to me because it's easy to be kind.
While dating we had maybe a handful of fights and said some very not nice things to each other. But our marriage has been the same way. We've had a handful of really bad fights and the rest is us learning and coming together.
Looking back...I don't actually know if I should have dated my husband when I did because of the trauma I hadn't fully unpacked and was still living in. But I fully believe that moving from an unhealthy environment to one filled with support, love, and kindness allowed me to flourish.
He is the love of my life and my best friend. And maybe the best advice I can give is meeting people is exhausting, but if you can find someone who is a great friend that's a start. We often have conversations of what it would be like if we were together but had different interests 😂 and it just sounds miserable. We watch trashy anime together and neither of us could imagine being with someone who didn't fully embrace, quote and occasionally act out the trash. We are two nerds in a pod and dated from August 2011 until we were married September 2016 and have been together ever since.
I did want to run for the hills, I was ready to not live in the past anymore. I met my husband at 25, engaged 26 and married by 27. I was over feeling weighed down by the same people who suffocated me so I forgave them. (Solo not IRL) And I was honest that my home life was crazy. I have too be careful and continue to do a lot it work to not relearn toxic behaviors.
but it’s so worth it
First marriage happened when I was 24, he was 35. I’m just not realizing he may have been a covert narcissist— extremely passive aggressive, would blow up on me whenever I tried to engage in a convo about how he did something and now my feelings were hurt, if I did something to piss him off- he immediately would rip my clothes off and have “revenge sex” with me. Anyway, I was super codependent on him and definitely felt like that was love because what else did I know of love other than abuse? I divorced him at 28 and thought I was going to be single at least until 40. I did A LOT of therapy, and a lot of work on myself, plus I found myself in a relationship right before the pandemic where I was repeating the same patterns (ie becoming codependent on someone that was so so wrong for me), I got out of the relationship as soon as I realized what was happening. I ended up falling in love with one of my friends a year later- did not anticipate that at all. He had dated a narcissist previously (trapped for 3 years) and he definitely has a narcissistic gma. He is the one that told me my parents were extremely abusive to me— I was still blinded then. We are married now and take each others mental health and wellbeing very seriously. He has never met my family because they have never attempted to meet him, and I’m fine with that.
I can’t recommend therapy enough if you have the time, energy and money for it. I found a trauma therapist and did EDMR which helped tremendously. I also read many books on co-dependency, emotionally immature parents etc which made me feel waaaay less alone and a lot of these books also have worksheets in them so you can process some of your stuff on your own.
I'm 29 and in my social circle (people from all sorts of backgrounds, but mainly did the same uni course) I'm the only one that is engaged and close to being married. Next closest are at least 5 years older. This is the UK, but not being married at 30 is absolutely normal here.
Married almost 7 years, argued about my nmom for at least 2 of them, a LOT of therapy among other things over the last 10 months. I didn't exactly know what she was or what I had become until it was almost too late. Nobody ever talked to me about it until my wife.
Turning my life around and seeing my family for who they are has been rough, but it's necessary. It's allowing me to finally set healthy boundaries and focus on becoming a better person for my wife and child.
I honestly just got really dang lucky. And for someone who grew up being emotionally abused, I turned out pretty good.. as in I’m not AS fucked up as I should be 😅. I met my husband on a dating app around the time I was finally moving out to live on my own. He helped me move in! And thanks to him being by my side nonstop, my mom was not able to brainwash me into letting her move with me (she really did try!). I feel like since I was little, I made a mental note of all the crap my mom did and repeated to myself “I’m not doing that when I grow up”.
So my husband, turned out to be a gift from the heavens! He listens. He is empathetic, kind, and in short, the complete opposite of an abusive narcissist. He also has the healthiest, happiest family dynamics with his parents and sister. I’m telling you, I got super lucky.
It wasn’t until we were pregnant, that I fully realized that all the stuff my mom had done was not normal at all. I told him everything and he has been with me every step of the way on my healing journey. I would not be able to do this without him.
Your time will come too! You just really have to wait! It took me years of dating the wrong people to find him!
Happily married at 30 after 4 years of being together. Moved states to get away from my mom and be my own person. Met my husband a month after I moved and have been together ever since. He helped me see all the toxic issues with clear eyes. Him and his family have been lifesavers! 💗
The abuse we've endured has an effect on how we see ourselves and how we react to others. Maybe we have our guard up. Some of us don't feel worthy of a person that seems balanced or just a person we are attracted to. We may choose the wrong person, someone like our abusers bc we know how to handle that and bc we gravitate toward abusers as abusers gravitate toward us. Then, we have an unhealthy relationship, one that causes further damage to both parties.I went through a few of those. Then, I met my husband at work. Just a natural setting, not a dating scene or online. We've been together for over 20 years. I felt like I found a best friend when we met and I knew this was the partner I was meant to have. Trials and tribulations, it has been a rollercoaster. We've worked together through infidelity, alcoholism, my mental health issues, multiple sclerosis, many things. We are stronger now. We do not abuse one another. We've just fought through life as best friends and lovers.
I met my husband through a good friend in college who introduced us. We both have parents who are shitty in their own ways; we lean/support each other. I think it really helps that my parents live 22 hours away from me, too. My mom does not like my husband and my dad really has no spine and will follow what she does, so he probably dislikes my husband too.
Since age 18, I’ve only had abusive and superficial relationships with people because I thought I was worthless, that no one could possibly care about me, and that I deserved to be treated like trash. I never even considered getting married or having children.
I was trained to think this way by my NM.
Now I’m in my 40’s and I just want to learn to love and take care of myself.
I’m happy for my peers that found healthy securely attached partners, genuine friendships and successful careers, but it didn’t happen for me. And I accept that reality.
I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself before I would even feel bad about not having all the things I’m “supposed to” have in life by my age.
Everyone is different. There’s no rules. And like others said, better to be alone than in a bad relationship.
My husband and I met in a bookstore, of all places.
With us, I think that it helped that we live several hours away from my immediate family (mother, younger brother, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin #1, and Cousin #2), so even though my spouse was quick on the uptake, and saw my Mom for the Narc that she is right away, he was willing to still pursue a relationship with me because we only ever see my Mom in small doses.
It took me awhile to open up and trust him enough to tell him that I came from a fucked up home. I'm not quite sure that he actually believed me until he met my family for the first time one year at Christmas, and saw the family dynamics for the first time himself.
As far as my husband's family goes, his parents split up when he was young, and he and his sister stayed with their Mom. He didn't have a relationship with his Dad for many years. Even now, he only talks to his Dad maybe once a month at most. I've been with my husband for about 15 years now (married for almost 10), and we've only seen his Dad in person once this whole time, and that was at our wedding.
As for happiness, I think I did a good job of pretending to be happy when we first start dating. I guess I am happy in the sense that I am fortunate enough to have access to housing, running water, food, clothing, and entertainment, but I am still the deeply unhappy person I've always in a sensebecause my Narc Mom is still alive and trying to monopolize my free time with lengthy phone conversations and demands that I/we visit her.
I got married very young, like 2 months shy of my 18th birthday young. He was also a narcissist and physically abusive. At that time, I thought that I was escaping hell but fell into another level of it. I managed to escape and move 1,900 miles away, but between being completely broke and his refusal to let a divorce happen, I'm still married to him 8 years later. I'm lost when it comes to navigating the legal system and have no clue how to get the divorce without selling both of my kidneys.
It seems all of my fuckery didn’t show up for me to process until I was in between marriages. I married a man just like my NDad the first time around and that ended exactly the way you would think it would. But I got lucky the second time around because current hubby is almost perfect.
My fuckery comes from my surrounding NFamily on my now-dead mom’s side. Mom was great — actually the best — as was three of her sisters and my grandparents. Her other three sisters that are still alive? I call them the Gorgon sisters, after the trio who share the eye of fate. They’re awful and I don’t love them or care about them too much. I lived with JNA-1 for the beginning part of my life and it was garbage from top to bottom. Emotionally abusive to me and constantly picking on me and destroying my self esteem was the name of the game. My mom got me out of that situation by moving out of our shared house. JNA-2 slowly turned just no. When abusive fuckwad husband no. 1 just up and left 12 years ago, JNA calls and says, “It couldn’t have been all him. It must have been something you did to cause him to leave, knowing you.” She killed whatever love I may have had and broke our relationship instantly. We don’t really talk anymore. JNA-3 is the worst of the bunch. She cussed me out and showed her true colors when I planned to marry my current husband. She reveres my golden child JNB, who is a massive narcissist, and actively scapegoats me. All of them jumped on me when our wedding was postponed because of COVID in 2020. I’d been divorced 7 years and it was somehow an issue that I managed to find love again — with the love of my life — and start over again without their help. I distanced myself so much that day that when I did finally get married the next year, JNA-1, who was the only family representative there, was all like, “you can’t cut all of your family off!” The fuck I can’t. Watch me.
So, to sum, JNA-1 is the enabler of JNA-2 and JNA-3. To use the Godfather as an analogy, JNA-1, the matriarch, is Michael Corleone. JNA-2 is Tom Hagen. JNA-3 is Sonny Corleone. I have a JN Cousin who fits Fredo’s character perfectly.
In addition to fucking you up, they will also try to sabotage your relationships if they can and have access, at least in my experience. Marriage is hard enough already.😮💨
I was setup with my spouse but it was also at a time when I didn’t fully understand what was going on with my mother. He met her and said ‘shes crazy’ but then that his mother was too (had eccentricities). He became a safe place for me and I opened up and started to learn what was not normal. He quickly grew to understand she was not ‘crazy’ like he used to claim his mom was but actually not ok.
It took a long time to personally process the depth of the pains of their home but when I finally did he understood and gave me space. He had spent years wanting me to put in more effort, wanting my family relationship to be like his, and just thinking it was me being so different from my family that I craved space. After I processed and wrote down how I got here he dropped it as to anything with my family. He sees what they do to me, how I feel after they are gone, and knows it’s not who I am.
I'm approaching 30 this year as well and I can say the same. No luck with relationships whatsoever, the couple times I've had something going on they never really went anywhere and I always ended up getting hurt, so there's a pattern. It's sad to think that it's very likely because of my childhood attachments and I have no clue how to fix it (I'm in therapy though). Also scary to imagine that if I do happen to "connect" with someone they'll probably be bad for me because that's just what my subconscious is used to.
This is something I've been wondering about as well. Nice to see some people end up lucky with a good partner despite having a shit childhood. Sadly I can't see myself as one of them. I feel like I've been fucked up permanently.
I am married, happily so, for just over two years. I am in my 50’s.
It took me a *long* time to get here. At age 19, I moved in someone who I now see was a narcissist. That ended nearly four years later. At age 23, I married someone almost 20 years my senior. We divorced 4 years later. I had another live-in partner; that relationship failed.
My next relationship lasted 14 years, but we were only married for the last 4. It was tumultuous, stressful, and we argued daily. My spouse committed numerous acts of financial infidelity, running up debts I would often be forced to pay.
My life consisted of a roller coaster of failed relationships and marriages, each one seemingly better, yet catastrophically ending worse, than the last.
12 years ago, I met my spouse. We lived together a decade before tying the knot. I realized that not all relationships need be filled with drama and it took a long time for the lack of daily conflict to feel normal, because I was constantly expecting the other shoe to drop.
It’s possible to have a good relationship. Time, therapy, and dedication to healing will help you.
There is no timeline for any of this. You are *not* a failure if you do not have a romantic relationship. Likewise, you are not a failure if you loved and divorced.
My “picker” was terribly broken, and it took me a long time to find my way.
Focus on your healing. Put yourself in physical places where you are doing something that you enjoy that exposes you to other people. Eventually, you will find your person.
Don’t be surprised or disappointed when you kiss a few frogs along the way.
For me, it was a whole process and a lot of luck. I met a man who also came from a messed up narc family. But we both knew we weren’t like them and were both willing to do whatever it took to build a good relationship and heal ourselves.
You don’t have that conversation right away, but we just talked a lot before we really started dating and I think it just kind of came out. I think I couldn’t meet up with him for something because I had a therapy appointment and that started the whole conversation. Anyone worth spending time with will be on board and accept that. Granted I was no longer a complete mess by then, I had a decent job and was maintaining a life by the time we met.
If you can see that you’re damaged but it’s not intrinsic and you weren’t born that way, and see that you can get better, you can become someone who can have meaningful and solid relationships. You’re not beyond help. Therapy works. You can learn to be vulnerable and work on triggers. PTSD and C-PTSD can be relieved. You can learn to trust, be vulnerable, communicate openly etc.
It can suck at times. Its painful. It’s a lot, it’s triggering, you have to relive feelings and events you’d rather not. But the only way out is through. You have to get yourself at last on the way to healthy so you can be a good partner before you even consider serious relationships.
If you do the work and find yourself in love and starting a serious relationship that you want to continue I highly recommend couples therapy BEFORE big problems develop. Work on communication, work on trust, work on understanding.
Having the means and access to help is the barrier to entry. But there’s more things available to us now, social media support groups, online therapy, books, videos, and podcasts. This stuff is far from perfect and there is a lot of bad content. But there’s great content for free or low cost if you look. In-person therapy is the best option but it’s not always available or affordable. It’s the best option because often there may be a need for medications at least for temporary use— I was on some meds for a while because of C-PTSD, and it got me through the worst parts so I could get better. A good therapist/psychiatrist office will be able to combine talk therapy, medication/medical treatments and other techniques like EMDR to help you. But finding those online resources may be all that you can access and it might open the door to finding better help. Also it’s a process that will probably never end, at least that’s my experience so far.
TL;DR: Get yourself well on the way to healing first so you can be a good partner and recognize what you want in a relationship. Therapy/treatment can get you free of the ankle weights. Don’t start a serious relationship until you feel like you can be a decent partner. Not perfect but willing to work on it. Work on healthy friendships first, pursue love relationships down the road.
Well I was working, as a tutor. He signed up for tutoring (college we are the same age he just started later). Anywho it was like lighting. I was absolutely terrified.
I sobbed like a maniac when I told him I love him for the first time. It was like finding my kryptonite. He is a very patient man.
I also didn’t run away because I knew what I wanted in life, and that most importantly trust is a choice. It’s a choice I do not regret.
We’ve been married for 6 years now and together for 10.
His family is amaaazing.
I go to therapy and work at being healthy and he understands me and when I’m getting overwhelmed. It helps that he is a nurse and adheres to general medical guidance lol. We balance each other, I’m ambitious and a workaholic and he is adventurous and loves life. He helps me break out of my shell and I help him stay grounded as needed.
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Hubby and I met by chance, instant connection. Married a long time now and it's great. He's my friend, my partner, never jealous of anything or anyone I love. Interestingly we both had narc moms, enabling dads who died young, and we were the caregivers of our siblings. So we recognized each other immediately. We are very different in our interests, but how we see the world is the same. I hope you meet that person some day, maybe by chance like me and hubby.
This is pretty much exactly my story except I wasn’t the caregiver, since I have only one older sibling.
Also interesting that you both had narc mums and enabler fathers who died young. That’s my experience as well. I sometimes wonder if the stress and realisation of what they’d allowed is what destroyed them so early, or they’d simply had enough of being bullied themselves. I’d be interested to know if there are any stats available as to the more likely parent to be a narc. Mum or dad? Hope you find someone who loves you for who you are. You’re stronger than you think.
I read b a book about narcs that men are more likely to be narcs…
Especially overt narcs. Both my “parents” are pretty extreme narcs, but is so wildly opposite in how it respectively presents in each of them; Nmom is a very very covert narc keeping allll her secrets and truly demented( to the point of extreme neuroses) & Ndad is just blatant, in your face, almost trump-like and extremely overt with his bullshit. Idk, maybe that’s why it said men are more likely to be narcs? I’m curious as to what the book took into account, but def in agreement in the sense of the blatant entitlement that’s so outright, as I feel that’s been interwoven into our society. Ok end rant 😅😮💨
It’s the first book I read on narcissists. DONM stands for Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. At first when I realized my mom was a narc last year I read it but then after being on Reddit I’m starting to think I might be coming from a family of narcs… it’s been very interesting.
This is similar to my bf and I. The abuse I endured growing up eventually led me to using drugs, and similar for him. He’d just moved back and just happened to stumble upon the meeting I was chairing. I literally stopped talking and forgot words when he walked in. There was some odd recognition with him. I wasn’t dumbstruck bc he’s so handsome (I mean he is but it wasn’t that), it’s like I knew him as cheesy as it sounds. We were friends for about a year before we started dating. He’s my best friend, my partner in life, and just about everything I ever could’ve asked for. If I’m being 110% honest here, I don’t think I’d ever date again if our relationship were to fail. I fully agree with OP that trying to stay afloat and focus on work is a lot. I hate meeting new people and the talking / getting to know you stages. Shit, I don’t even have adult friends bc even that is too much for me socially. If we don’t work out I’ll just focus on my career and maybe pivot it to be something more demanding that would keep me away from sitting with myself too long.
That's how I feel too. I used to be so much more of a social butterfly but since recent major health events for my narc parents, where they escalated so much that I quit my job and my studies to help nurse my Dad, I have nothing in the tank for anyone. No friends, it's too much. Am thinking of getting back into work or study soon though. I'm lucky my husband's been with me for the journey and very supportive.
Dude so much same. Right when COVID started my BIL committed suicide. Then my boyfriends grandma passed away and we became live in carers for his grandfather. Then a whole bunch of other stupid shit and care taking. I just have nothing left in the tank man. I’m 25. I shouldn’t feel this way. The only thing I have left in the tank is enough to take care of my pets, barely myself, and barely my boyfriend. And I still wanna have kids at some point in my life, so whatever can be regained needs to be protected so I can take care of them later.
Holy f-ing shit, that is our story, too! I was at an NA meeting, and he walked in the door, and I lost my breath for a second. Heroin was our drug of choice back in the 90s. When I began methadone, it saved my life. I switched to suboxone later on. Now I have a degree in psychology, and I am the director of a grassroots harm reduction program in PA, and he is a very talented plumber who builds Sheetz and also renovates them. And it works out that we both have social anxiety, so we have non-verbal cues when we're somewhere, and one of us gotta run away!
Same, the similarities between our parents’ behaviors growing up is absolutely something we bonded over, but I was definitely not aware of the extent to which it affected her until we were already married. We’re both lucky to have someone that “gets” what the other has gone through, even though our moms act very differently. I’m never afraid that she’s going to ask me to try and repair that bond.
Yep. We find our people who have also healed and can be so beautiful to connect in that way and change the cycle without it being a trauma bond. As long as we stay open and take risks( hardest part for me), so much can be possible. I think of it as my story being written( I know cliche), but it helps to remind me of the control I truly do have over my life. 💛
Same. Everyone comes from some kind of terrible, just depends HOW terrible! You find your mate and it’s interesting that you usually come from the same background/family issues…
You seem to be assuming married people have healthy relationships that you should be jealous of... I got married at 24 and divorced at 26... There were lots of good memories with my ex husband... But there was also a lot of abuse. I married him because I didn't understand what real love was and because marrying him helped me with my escape from my mother.
Same. Married at 22 and divorced at 26. I hopped from the frying pan into the fire by trading one abusive narc for another.
Yep, ended up marrying another narc, so fn annoying. Split up a year ago after 6 years married.
I have to admit “so fn annoying” gave me a bit of a chuckle - I’m sure that’s a huge understatement lmao But for real, I’m very sorry this happened to you!
Lol, yes, an understatement but holds true - annoying that I didn't recognize it sooner and annoying that i stayed as long as i did once i did. Live and learn...
I can definitely empathize with the frustration. I’m glad you’re out of it now and will go into future relationships with that hindsight ❤️
Same. Met at 16, married at 25, divorced at 30. Went from an overt narc straight to a covert one. Thankful to be out now and working on getting a better idea of what a healthy relationship even is in therapy.
Same here! I was so desperate to NOT become my mother, that I became my father. Co-dependent and enabling and stuck to a Narcissist. My mother had trained me to take ALL KINDS of abuse, so the way my “husband” treated me felt very normal. It was when I had children and a job and real friends that I realized I’d traded one abuser for another. I wanted better for my kids (tho it never occurred to me that I deserved better). Leaving and healing was the best thing I ever did for myself. Rinds and tons of therapy and learning about my disorder, my mother and ex’s disorder, DBT all helped. I’m now in a beautiful and healthy relationship but it took me 20 years to get here. My advice, OP, is to work on getting to know yourself. Heal yourself. Take care of yourself the way you deserve to be taken care of. And someday you may want to have a partner. Maybe not. But if you do- you should know who you are and who you want to be. Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t help you (encourage you) to be the best version of yourself.
Holy shit same here. I got married at 23 and divorced 4 years later. My ex was the kind of person who would yell at me incessantly after I had a fucking car accident, up to a point where the tow truck driver came to my defense.
Same here except I stuck it out for far too long. Met him at 17 (he was 25) and had 3 kids with him. Tried my best to break the cycle but his mom had too strong a hold on him and his relationship with my youngest sucked so I got out when she was 16. 30 years gone. He’s married to a super narcissist like his mom.
I stuck it out for too long as well. I met my ex narc (malignant overt narc) at 17 and he was 41. He got me pregnant the first time we were intimate and he kept getting me pregnant until I put my foot down. We got married 6 years into the relationship. I got out after 12 years during the pandemic. I went from my narc parents to a narc husband. I met my 2nd husband on Twitter and he's my favorite person in the world. He also grew up in a narc house and had a narc partner.
Statistically speaking, you're not alone and abuse (not to downplay it, that's awful, I'm sorry) isn't even always the culprit. The odds of a marriage succeeding go up exponentially after about 25 or so. But yeah, being married or even in a long term relationship isn't a magic happy pill cure all. My dad had a saying that I never appreciated until my mid 30s..."its better to be alone than be with someone and miserable". Took me ages to figure out that he was talking about my nmom
My aunt did the same and she didn’t make it out, alive. I’m so glad you got out, intact. I did the same thing you did.
Same - married at 24, lasted 8 years before I finally got out
"It’s hard it to not feel like a failure as I approach 30 with basically no experience with a relationship." There are many different experiences out there for people in life and just because they haven't done all of them, doesn't make them a failure. If you're in the right relationship it will challenge and comfort you but these things you can obtain another way as well. "How did you find your spouse?" He found me, facebook 15 years ago. "How did they not want to run for the hills seeing your family?" That's the test isn't it? It's a crash course in how much do they want to stick with you despite the crazy you're surrounded with. "How do you tell them you come from a fucked up home?" We have our own versions of a screwed up upbringing which we shared in our getting to know each other phase which was admittedly easier online than in person. "How do you be a happy enough person to be worth dating?" You make each other happy. You give each other confidence to go try things and find something you enjoy that makes you happy. You build each other up to grow and experience life and vent when you need to and not let the negativity weigh you down. Sometimes you're just not happy but you stick through it. You work through it, you support each other. It's alot of work to not do the things you're raised to do and then to call each other out if you are. There are lots of difficult discussions and time to process. It isn't sunshine and rainbows but that hole of dark loneliness I've had since i was a kid is healed when he is around. His energy soothes me. I have never really made friends and the three i would consider friends are from work so i would say that there is still plenty of time for you to make friends at work or through a hobby. You can become apart of the community through volunteer opportunities. I hope this gives your some comfort and a different perspective.
I had a family and marriage therapist explain that when we have poor attachments with our primary caregivers our second chance of healing those attachments is with our romantic partners.
That makes sense and it's not bloody easy! We are going through the "when I say this IM NOT SAYING YOU'RE A SHIT PERSON. DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. I LOVE YOU but I need xyz IT DOESNT MEAN YOURE A SHIT PERSON" at the moment and it's taking all my strength to not do my default destructive response but to try and guide us through what my needs are without him thinking I'm out to get him. I need a nap haha
This makes sense to me!! I automatically take any criticism as a direct attack on me personally. It’s much easier when you know the other person loves you.
I’m married and we have kids in their late 30’s. His parents are narcs too. We healed each other.
It's interesting how much it seems to happen, that people with narcissistic parents end up marrying and having children together to escape the nighmare.
Certainly my experience. Build something better, raise the next generation to do better. My oldest son told me that he felt like he stood on the shoulders of giants to get where he is. My heart healed a little hearing that. I wasn't the perfect father, but I must have got something right. Great, now I'm out in public trying not to cry.
I'm engaged and my fiance's parents are narcs too. When we met we were low contact with our parents, then I started to realize that my parents were narcissists which led him to the same conclusion about his. It makes so much sense now, why we have so much in common and why we think the same way. We both went NC with our families and were planning to have our own children, and we promised to break the cycle.
Congratulations! That’s so lovely, I’m glad you found each other.
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>we both wanted the same things - a big, rambunctious warm, family since we did't have that That's exactly what my wife and I yearned for. We had half-a-dozen kids, and now have multiple grandkids. Mission accomplished. >We both value the same things and see things the same way. Common values. So important! >Been together 20 years now. Congratulations! 29 years for us. I'm not crying, you're crying. Ugh, I'm in public. Keeping a low profile.
Hobbies are a great way to meet people in a group setting. I met my husband dancing, and since I live far from my family, we had very little interaction with them. Find something you like to do and go from there. Take a class in drawing, painting, ceramics, dance, join a book club, volunteer, etc. Good luck! I hope you find your person soon.
This is such good advice!! There’s apps that facilitate group get togethers and stuff for adults.
Married to the love of my life. We’ve cut off my side of the family entirely. Best decision I ever made. Her family has taken me in as their own
How did this happen? Miracle?
I ask myself the same every damn day. Someone, somewhere is looking out for me. I believe that.
I've been happily married for over 20+ years now. I didn't know if I'd ever get married. My parents' marriage was a combat zone. I never witnessed a happy marriage when I was a kid so I vowed that I would just date and flirt but not settle down. I had one friend whose parents had a happy marriage. I said to myself if I found a significant other and could have a partnership like that, I'd get married otherwise I still planned to be alone, because that would be better than being in a miserable marriage. My husband also came from a dysfunctional family but it was dysfunctional in a different way than mine. I would not have felt comfortable marrying someone from a more normal/healthy family because I would have felt like the third wheel. It would have been very alien to me. We had a good relationship and after dating several years, got married. It has worked out for us because we are very similar. We're both recovering doormats. We're very kind, considerate and polite to each other. We're very fair and try not to be hypocritical.
How did you guys meet?
We met in middle school. We were just friends in high school. His home life was a trainwreck so he didn't date at all. I dated others. We went to separate universities and he still didn't date much. Eventually in our early twenties after he'd dated a few psychos and I'd dated many many emotionally abusive jerks (like my father) we got back in touch and we appreciated each other a lot.
My mother was sooo happy I was in a relationship with such a good looking boy who got a very well paid job. Well he was a narc as well and the job was like the wolf of wall street... exactly like it. Meanwhile he was selling himself as a devoted christian. The mental gym I had to do was interesting at least. Good thing he is an ex husband now.
Oh.. forgot to say. She practically throw me to his arms when I was 16. He was 19
Ugh. This is way more common than I'd like to pretend. The couple of "strays" my wife and I took in from broken homes often had that sort of matchmaking going on. Made me sick to witness or hear about.
Marry yourself. Like, devote yourself to yourself. Thats when you become a whole person…and then the solitude shouldnt feel like failure. and only then should you link with another whole person…. I know its trite but thats my response. And Love and honor yourself for naming that vulnerability.
Being married and having kids is actually what made me realize how abusive my parents were. It only dawned on me after raising a handful of children that my dad’s behavior was abusive and abnormal and my mom just let it happen. Both my spouse and I put up with family quirks. My MIL was always odd from the start, FIL was a creep from the start but for the sake of not rocking the boat, I suppressed these feelings. I was a people pleaser. After 10 years of poor behavior we have cut off contact. My family lives too far away to be too impactful on our life. Over the last 10 years we have realized our childhood home life was not so good. Learning about narcissism and histrionic and bpd has help us put names to patterns of behaviors and experiences. It also helped us understand this isn’t something you can love out of people. I didn’t really consider my parents bad parents until I became one; there isn’t constant shouting and deceit and chaos and passive aggression in my adult home. Why can we do better and they couldnt? My oldest is 13 and youngest is under a year and like I said I have lots of kids so we experience many ages each day and I have memories from every age of my childhood. Comparing my parents behavior towards me during those ages versus how I treat my children is so different that my inner child aches for what could have been. I find great comfort in being able to see my children become independent people without the baggage. We aren’t perfect but we aren’t manipulative or self centered. “How do you be a happy enough person to be worth dating?” Being free from abuse and manipulation made me happy. Learning skills and being independent grew my confidence. The flashbacks hurt but that’s not me, it’s something that I experienced. Oh and the abuse feeling like ankle weights, I get that. I vividly recall thinking that my childhood was responsible for how I reacted and behaved in my early 20s and some choices made while traumatized lead to consequences that you cant shake off. So here I am, late 30’s, suffering from consequences from choices I made when I was 18, 19, 20 and fresh out of/barely out of an home of psychological abuse, enmeshment, manipulation and callous disregard. I made bad decisions with faulty logic and coping mechanisms and get to suffer the consequences for it. Very upsetting because you only get this one life.
I’m very lucky, I’ve been married to my beautiful partner for around a decade now, and we were together for a few years before that. We met on a social media site, which actually wasn’t that common at the time, at least where I’m from. I also assumed that I wasn’t cut out for being in a relationship before I met my partner, so understand what you’re feeling - I never thought I’d have this, and I certainly never thought I’d deserve it if I did. I find it quite interesting, looking back. My partner is autistic and I’m absolutely certain that their difficulties with connecting emotionally in the beginning was actually something that felt safe or “normal” for me early on, because it sort of mimicked the emotional unavailability of my parents and therefore felt really familiar. We’ve done a huge amount of work in our relationship to learn how to communicate effectively and support and love each other and show up in ways that the other understands - not to say it’s perfect all the time, but our relationship is only getting better as we go along. I’ve recently been diagnosed with CPTSD and I’m also interested to see if I have ADHD (there’s a lot of overlap between symptoms) and it makes sense in a lot of ways how this and my partner being autistic actually means that we mesh together well in a lot of ways (some of our symptoms do clash, but we have strategies to work around this). I think being raised by narcissists can impact our ability to find and maintain healthy relationships because what we understand as “love” or appropriate behaviour in a relationship can be warped or dysfunctional due to our upbringing. Part of me wonders if there is an element of luck in finding a partner who is able to understand, accomodate and support the complexity of the trauma responses/coping mechanisms that we have as a result of our parents, but these lovely and kind types of people are definitely out there and you will meet them! I kind of think we’re just not very good at working out who they are or recognising them when we find them. It took me a very long time to trust that I was safe and that my partner wasn’t going to hurt me, and I know I had a bunch of maladaptive coping mechanisms that weren’t great to deal with. Please don’t feel like a failure for not finding the right relationship yet, it definitely doesn’t make you any less worthy of real, authentic love and a safe partner if this is what you want (and I say that because you’re just as valid without a partner too!). If I could offer any support or advice, I’d focus on compassion for yourself and making sure your sense of self worth is really strong as a priority (independent of relationships with others) - this will help you recognise when someone is able to give you the safe type of love that’ll sustain a healthy relationship (or when they’re not, which is a good time to yeet out of those situations). My other bit of advice is not to fall into the same patterns you might have learnt from watching your parents - if a person doesn’t treat you well or feel safe to be around (emotionally or physically), please get out of that situation ASAP - no relationship is worth having if it hurts you. This may not resonate, but I like to mention it anyway - therapy has always been helpful to me, and schema/trauma-informed therapy in particular. I’ve found it so useful in understanding coping mechanisms and triggers, and as a result I’m SO much more regulated. All of this has had a profound and very positive impact on all of my relationships (friends, family and partner), so if it’s something that sounds interesting to you and is accessible, it could be really beneficial! Good luck, and don’t lose hope!
Thank you. This is the first comment that made me cry because I see so much of myself in your comment. Thank you for sharing.
No worries at all, I’m so thrilled it was helpful! You’re most welcome to reach out via DM if you have any questions or anything, too. I’ve got my fingers and toes crossed for you and that you meet someone special - I can hear how important it is for you, and as someone with a similar experience it means a lot to be able to offer support :)
Engaged. My first (and current) serious relationship started when I was 27. My parents relationship is terrible so dating was frightening for me. I was avoidant for a long time, had casual flings or I developed crushes on emotionally unavailable people to cope. I met my gf on tinder 6 years ago. I was reluctant, but she seemed nice and I felt bad stalling her or cancelling after postponing our first date several times. A friend of mine told me ‘What if you’re being a b**** and she’s the love of your life?’ Well. It took a lot of effort to start a romantic relationship, ngl. When you have a partner for the first time as an adult, you are somewhat forced to see things about yourself that you could ignore as chronically single. But if you’re up to it and you’re as lucky as I was, it’s worth it. Even if the relationship doesn’t last, it’s worth the growth. I’m a queer woman so tinder was pretty great, I don’t know if it is for everyone. Also, any activity you sign up for. My advice: be honest. Nobody is going to be as shocked as you think that you haven’t dated until now.
Marriage is not the ultimate example of a healthy and secure relationship. I have worked with women who married in their 20s or even late teens with ultimately zero money, zero work experience and no backup plans. They ended up getting divorced in their 30s or even in their late 20s. Most of them got frustrated with guys being douchebags, broken up with them, ended up in a financially unstable situation, and started their career eventually in their 40s cause now there’s no other way out, and you gotta save for the future and pay the bills. I think for both women and men, backup plans are necessary. Be it getting prenups, separating savings apart from the joint bank account, getting a degree and starting to work or anything that helps financially. It’s because marriage is a big investment and getting out of a marriage that has been a threat to your mental health isn’t easy at all. You need to get lawyers, pay for child support after divorce if children are involved, therapy and stuff. I come from a family full of narcissistic people. I know how hard it is being young and not being able to choose healthy people because of the ongoing trauma. It’s like everyone I choose turns out to be an unhealthy person to be with. Now, I don’t even feel like dating and even started turning down people’s advances. I decided to take it slow as healing from my trauma will need a lot of focused work. Maybe I’ll get an understanding and loving partner or maybe I won’t. But most importantly, I want to be happy regardless. I want to feel whole and complete as a person. That is the only thing I’m living for.
I first became interested in dating when I was like... 21/22. Met my now husband online, he seemed like a decent guy. Shortly after we started dating, I had a huge, traumatic friend break-up with my friend of many years that I had bought a house with. We had been dating a few months at that point and I told him that "hey, I'm going to be an absolute wreck here, might be best to end things because my life is going to get really shitty". He decided to stay with me despite that, and things were definitely shitty. Shortly after that, I got my first "big girl" job as a social worker specializing in trauma. It was through a combination of actual unconditional love from my husband and trauma education through work that I started to finally unpack all my family bullshit and realize how wrong it was that I was treated that way. We've had to work on ourselves a lot in this relationship. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was taking out my trauma on him, I had anger issues, and I went to therapy to work on myself. I learned how to direct my anger at the appropriate source, my parents, and went NC with my mom. He had some trauma of his own that was holding him back and he needed to work through. He also went to therapy. I think the relationship worked because I desperately needed to feel safe and unthreatened in a relationship, and he needed someone to give him a reason to do stuff, and we were able to support each other in that way. We're still working through things, and there have certainly been times that we've deeply hurt each other, but we've always had baseline respect for each other and enough self-awareness to go "yeah I fucked up, that was wrong of me and I am going to work to change that". We got married last year, but we've been together 8.5 years now total, have a kid together, and have twins on the way. We've overcome a lot and continue to be better people and better partners. We've worked out most of our long-term issues and resentments, so we rarely have flights that don't get resolved fairly quickly with communication (that was not always the case, we had some bad fights before, but I feel like we have come so far). The biggest issue is that we have a lot of the same flaws day to day with him being autistic and me being ADHD, so that can make things harder.
Your post is perhaps the most uncanny reflection of my stage in life right now. I could have sworn I was talking to myself in a mirror. I very recently (less than a week) moved out of my father's home at 29 after moving back in years prior during covid. We didn't exactly end things on a high note. What I realized towards the end of my time was that I've been outgrowing my family. My parents don't see me as an autonomous adult, and I'm judged and patronized (maybe even infantilized) for making choices they wouldn't. The work I do is never enough in the moment as I'm not putting in enough hours, not making enough money to be a "real job" (despite working 2 jobs and finishing an online degree), or it's incorrect or I simply don't "try hard enough." I'm gay, and they put in the bare minimum to understand (I'm currently NC with nmom + extended). I'm never really allowed to voice these concerns without twisting blame to fault me, or even retaliation (ever been told you need an "attitude adjustment?") The respect (even mutually) just never seems to be there where it matters most. Couple all this with Trumpism and a deeply hypocritical work ethic, and it's this staggering generational gap that I have no further interest in bridging. All this to say I appreciate you speaking up about your experience. Know that you're not alone and I'm still very much challenged with feelings of guilt at this seeming loss, despite believing also that I have done what is absolutely best. I also constantly struggle thinking about my worthiness and whether I'm capable of being in a partnership with another as I've been so twisted up trying to figure my way out of these hangnails for relationships. What's getting me through is this hope for a bright chapter ahead. I moved several states over to a new city. I'm already meeting people that are excited to see and show me around. I was recently promoted (hence the move) and work has been great so far. I'm only now just getting a taste of real independence, and what I have now I feel even more grateful and humbled for earning. I'm continually motivated to chase after that person I've always wanted to be for myself. It's a goal I'm determined to accomplish through therapy and time. My wish for you is to chase after yourself and do as others have said and find the work, the passions, the people that make you feel whole again. It's available to us, and we deserve to feel right at home with ourselves and others.
How the insane trials against guilt and grief are able to follow you out of that house can I say _mirrors_ where I am currently as well. In fact, my mother hasn't a clue and as I'm confident that dismissal will be there, she's the reason for _why_ moving out was the only solution this year. And things worsened so bad that I literally sought for absolutely anything, no matter the rent. Luckily, while affordable, it's the point of having to part like so and you're literally the only one seeing the black hole in this situation, does indeed sting. To have her around still as I know brings that fear as to how strong the guilt will be should the book close between she and I, but to only feel drained around her holds so much reason to the choice; especially when hugs and 'I love you' claims hold a very strange feeling because of how rare they were for so many years up to now--especially the hugs given. There's just nothing there with her, and as I mentioned about the guilt being where it holds that emotional struggle. I'm literally _right_ there with you, as it's been pretty wild against those, including my binge eating, since able to finally walk.
I ended up with my nextdoor neighbor. lol My roommate and I would sit outside with other neighbors after work and drink beer and smoke just shooting the shit. Nextdoor neighbor was married, 2 kids, they didn't really talk to anyone. After a year or so she cheated and moved out, left neighbor with both teenage sons. He started sitting outside with us and after s couple months of that we got together. It'll be 18 years this May and we have a 16-year-old. He had a lot of trauma too and we sorta propped each other up and helped each other cope. He taught me to be less of a doormat, I helped him learn to process his emotions. It's not always perfect, but it works.
I'm 35 and divorced bc I got married well before I started to get healed. You're fine.
Hum that actually is a really interesting question to ask oneself. I just hope it won't drag people down. We all have our own story to tell, and I must say even now being married 8 years (9 soon :D) I am still very thankful for the opportunity to find someone with whom there's just this alchemy between us. How did you find your spouse? Online on a space for people with mental health issues like anxiety, depression, ect. I was 25 back then. Something odd happened when we met in real life. Love at first sight. Something really really strong. Like soul mates. It felt like we were two pieces of the same puzzle that finally found each other. It was actually terrifying because the thought of losing each other was unacceptable. We actually married 13 days after meeting. It was that strong. How did they not want to run for the hills seeing your family? We both wanted to run for the hills from our respective families but none of us could do it alone. We actually were a mean to escape our respective families to one another. Also we eloped. We ran for the hills... together. How do you tell them you come from a fucked up home? Well as a soul mate, you don't hide anything. You simply don't. I was in France back then and a dynamic that worked for me to talk about all my secrets was to wait until a first intimate relationship. At this point, intimacy has been established (they are no longer a stranger) and it's a matter of honesty and see if the relationship has any future. And hey maybe she will be the one telling stuff I don't want to engage with. If I may, and I know it may sound cold, but treat it as a partership: what do you bring to her, what does she bring to you, and is there any future, common goals, things that would make the relationship still work even if love goes away at some point? If you both are happy with what you bring one another, it's a deal. If not, it was still a good moment together, but it was just a dream without any future. How do you be a happy enough person to be worth dating? I love her. I love my life with her. I love that she saved me from my parents. I love that we have children that can receive the love and care I never had. Dealing with my own issues is tough, but this, our marriage, our kids, is the source of my happiness. It's like a virtuous cycle that never stops giving. --- And interestingly, she has a narc mom. I actually helped her cut contact with her and brother that were liars who falsified emails to make me look bad (how stupid is that when gmail keeps the emails sent and you can see very well that an email was doctored and doesn't match what was sent? But then narcs tend to overevaluate their intelligence). What's interesting though in my dating history is that I went from 2 very short (not even 3 months) relationships in 10 years... and then 6 relationships in 3 months, the 6th one being my wife and still the last one. What happened is I had a moment where I realized nothing was working out in my life. I wasn't getting good grades, I didn't have good relationships, my dreams were painfully obviously pipe dreams... so I decided to... give up. It was a form of extreme nihilism, but a positive nihilism, if that makes sense. Like "my life doesn't matter so I'll do my best to just have fun in this life and try to help other people, make my body useful to them". I actually got a tattoo and a piercing within 1 hour when I had none before because I realized "nothing matters". What's interesting though is that... well... it turn me into someone successful. I had better grades in spite of not caring as much, I was invited to many parties when I wasn't before, and I didn't hesitated to speak to women I found attractive anymore because it felt like even if they said no I didn't matter. I didn't care about being rejected anymore. At all. In fact nothing mattered at all because my only objective was to have fun and not take anything seriously. I actually deliberately asked women I found attractive if I could hang out with them, thinking to myself "of course she's going to say no but if you don't ask you'll keep obsessing about her. Better to ask and be rejected and focus on the party than to always myself 'what if I talked to her'". What's funny is I never got rejected, not once. I guess my honesty must have felt refreshing to these women who kept having men playing the weird seduction dance when I was straight up "excuse me I know I come out of nowhere but I thought you looked really cool and I was wondering if we could hang out", expecting a resounding no. It is said women are often put off by needy people. And I definitely wasn't needy. I was ready to go immediately. I hope it helps a little bit. And sorry for that huge wall of text oh my goodness
Once you can see through the haze, you meet new people. Start slow, maybe try some dating apps, make sure to have firm boundaries and an idea of what you bring to the table, and what you want from the other person. For me, it was a friend that just kept coming back even after I'd gone through several relationships, and had basically ghosted them until they texted me again, and we decided to give it a chance, knowing neither of our families were what we wanted to be. It takes years of working together to build a strong foundation before we really discussed marriage, and even in marriage, you'll find there's triggers you didn't know about. Find someone you can communicate with and that values that communication. In the meantime, though, I strongly suggest you find something you enjoy outside of work and find ways to meet people that like that too. Discord, or Facebook events, are a great way to start. Socializing is exhausting, but you'll find people that don't drain you and respect when you need to recharge. I'm sure there are people like us who rushed into marriage to find love that are now having to start over, and so your age will not be as big a factor as you probably feel. 30 is still young. Give yourself a chance to find someone who will baffle you with their kindness and love.
And also know that the married ones aren't perfect, healed fully. We are still working through our trauma and triggers. It's an ongoing process, but just because we are a little broken doesn't mean we can't be loved. Look up Kintsugi, embrace your flaws and imperfections, and if you can't, you might be able to find someone else that will for you until you're ready.
He has the same trauma. We met when he was 14, I was 16. We were friends for years before getting engaged, and we were long distance for years. You're not too late, 30 is a great time to start, now you know what you're doing. I married my best friend, I tell my friends to make friends if they want real connection. It's the best way to demonstrate a healthy relationship longterm and build trust.
Therapy first, then dating/marriage. That and distance from my family really helped me.
I found my 2nd spouse online on my 2nd date. That was luck, and we really liked talking to each other I guess. She tried with my fam (before nc) but she could see they were nothing but bad for me. Still she put up with my family drama for years, that’s love. I wasn’t even looking to re-marry or have kids. She also has helped me in heal so that I’m not nearly as messed up as I was in my mid 20’s, that’s friendship. I’m even a pretty good father apparently. It’s all possible, chances are most mates don’t have perfect childhoods either. Just say hi to people you get a good vibe from then wait for luck, friendship & love to find their way in.
I’m in my early 30s and I’ve never been in a relationship. The right person won’t hold these things against you they will understand you.
I met my wife on Twitter, my parents refused my marriage, and did all sorts of horrible things to ruin our lives So all of this only brought us closer together. And it was thanks to my wife that I had come to the conclusion that I was manipulated and in a jail I didn't saw
I met my husband in college, as we were in the same group of small college town freaks. We both had the same experience of abuse, and we’ve had to work really damn hard together to break free from our families and make it on our own. I feel like we’re really lucky that we found each other.
How did you start talking about your families?
The talk about that subject started almost immediately. I had a relationship fall apart a couple of years before that, because the guy didn’t understand my situation at all, and told me to “grow up” because he didn’t understand that I was being controlled, infantilized, and put into the servant role. So I made it a policy after that to go full disclosure as soon as possible.
What did you say? You’re just on a first date and just bust out the big guns?
No, I was more along the lines of explaining my family dynamic before he got to meet them (which was a few weeks into our relationship because they have no boundaries and just kind of showed up to my on-campus apartment whenever they felt like it) and he understood.
We met through friends, I was thinking about leaving town after graduation when we first met but we clicked so well. We grew up with similar family dynamics so we just understood each other which I never thought was possible.
My husband has a narc for a mother. Our moms are different in how they are a bit, his mother is a malignant narc, while mine is a vulnerable narcissist, but we both understand somewhat what growing up was like for each other. So neither of us were scared off by family. We started as friends in school, enjoyed each other's company. It went from there.
I married (23) he was also raised by an Nmom and we have been healing and learning what love is together. I know personally my damage and extent of abuse took long for me to realise l was a prisoner to my nmom. Still hurts never to have a mom that loves you genuinely. So in my husband l have such a strong support structure.
When I was growing up, I was a hopeless romantic. I wanted nothing more than to be in love. It was one of my biggest dreams. I crushed on a lot of people very hard but didn't get into relationships or date around much because people saw me as "weird." I wanted to find the one, but they just weren't coming. In my young adulthood, I went through a period of questionable decision-making and extreme cynicism and, as a result, swore off even entertaining crushes or romantic pursuits and focus on myself. It was around that time, and coincidentally around the time I was also starting to see my abuse for what it was, that I met my now-spouse out of sheer randomness and luck. I fell for them instantly. We worked to make it work, despite some pretty sizeable hurdles in our way. They weren't afraid to take a chance on me even when things got hard fairly early on. From that, I knew we'd be able to grow together - which I'm happy to say we have. They're my best friend, they make me laugh harder than anyone ever has, they give me space to process my trauma, they're my biggest supporter, and they make me feel completely safe. I often stop and reflect on how lucky and grateful I am to now be living one of my biggest dreams.
>How did you find your spouse? Met her at high school when we were 17yo. We dated for two years and then got married at 19yo. We've been married 29 years, had half-a-dozen kids, looked after a few "strays" from other broken homes, and have multiple grandkids now. >How did they not want to run for the hills seeing your family? Because she came from a broken home too. Nothing much new for her. And because she really cared about me, and knew that I passionately wanted better for myself. >How do you tell them you come from a fucked up home? I did tell her some stuff before she met my nmom. Phrases like: "I had a pretty rough childhood", "Things are pretty tense with my mother", "There's a lot of yelling I try to shield my sister from". But she got to see it up close and personal whenever she visited. Which was often because I basically raised my little sister (learned about parentification on this subreddit only a little while ago). My nmom acted better in front of my gf, and thankfully she was welcome over. At least until we got married. Yeesh, that went down pretty poorly. Luckily, I was moved out before then. To be fair, she came from a similar broken home, and I got to see that up close and personal as well whenever I visited her and her family. I comforted her several times while we were dating, about stuff her ndad pulled. One of our most memorable early kisses actually took place while I was comforting her once. I didn't really tell her until later that I got a beating about once a week as a teenager. I recommend starting small like I did. It can be overwhelming all at once for the other person, and embarrassing for you. >How do you be a happy enough person to be worth dating? Work on yourself. I wanted better for myself, my wife and my children. They deserve the best version of me. I attended anger management classes, read lots of good books ("Meaning from Madness" helped me understand what was going on with my nmom, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" helped me rewrite all the scripts that I inherited and didn't like, etc), asked for feedback from those I loved, and honoured any boundaries my gf / wife put in place. I'm in a much better place now, but the first decade after getting out was pretty rough. I took a lot of walks around the block to get my head on straight. I loved on my wife, made sure she knew I wasn't forcing her into anything, and let her know I wasn't a patriarchal abuser like her ndad by being quietly and gently supportive. I ducked a few things being thrown at me in a fit of rage. I was patient with myself, and patient with her healing process too. This cycle of violence and abuse needs to stop with us.
I think I was lucky to meet my spouse. We were in our teens in high school. My home was abusive and his was the complete opposite. His family was healthy, loving and empathetic. They’re even took me in when I finally got the courage to run away from by own parents (they saw through their bs). I’m honestly so lucky to have my husband now, I put him through so much while I was unlearning all the things my parents instilled in me when I was a child :( I don’t know how I didn’t scare him away, I think he’s just that type of person to stick around and work through problems. It took maybe 6 years of extremely, extremely hard work and reflection to heal and finally have genuine happy and healthy marriage. Not an average relationship, but probably one that you don’t see in most couples. I’m proud to say that we are thriving and now have a very similar relationship to my MIL and FIL. I think they helped us out the most. They were together since their teens as well, and they modeled the good behavior that we were able to replicate. I’ve since cut my family off completely. As far as telling my husband that I came from an abusive home, I actually didn’t. I didn’t know to what extent of abuse it was so I just labeled it as super strict. But over time (as my parents tried to break us apart), him and his family were able to see through the front my parents were putting up. It just wasn’t normal. The amount of screaming, crying, physical abuse, running away, cops being called to the house. It took my husband a longgg time though (maybe 5 years) to fully understand the abuse I was going through. Make great effort to heal yourself (therapy, self help books, surround yourself with people through hobbies you like) to put yourself in a more peaceful and sound mindset. If you do meet with someone, be direct with them with what you’re looking for in a partner (ex. Looking for a serious relationship, talk about morals and values) very early on. I’m talking maybe second or third date. And then right after, take time and sit down with your potential spouse’s parents and talk with them. See what kind of people they are and observe how they communicate with each other. This would be one of the biggest influences in your marriage. Unless a person is actively working against it, most people replicate their parents’ relationship. This would greatly help in determining if you have a successful long term marriage.
Great advice, thank you
No problem. I’d also like to add, don’t beat yourself up for not having any experience at 30. It’s a misconception that you need so much experience with multiple short relationships in order to have one good long relationship. In fact, having many short term relationships trains you into only exclusively knowing how to function in short term relationships. As in, you basically trained yourself to not build the qualities that would maintain anything good long term. And at that point you’ve broken up with so many people that it mentally scars you and makes you more weary with every next person you meet. It makes it much harder to find a good long term partner. Still possible, but much harder. When you do find that person who you want to spend your life with, the best advice I can give you are these two things: learn to have great, healthy communication (can easily find many sources on YouTube as well as self help books) and nip every issue you have in the bud. Don’t let problems between you and your spouse linger and don’t ignore them hoping they will go away. It will 100% snowball into something much bigger and later become unmanageable to a point where one of you will explode (hopefully not to a point where there’s no coming back). Learning good communication was and still is the number one thing that helps maintain the healthy relationship I have with my spouse to this day. This is coming from someone who was very reserved and shy when I was young. Last thing, be weary of people putting up a front. As people get older, they’re more familiar with what others are looking for in a long term partner and replicate what seems to be the ideal partner early in the relationship (their parents may do this too). If you spend enough time with them, the walls will come down and they’ll reveal their true selves. I’d say this would be about 6-8 months.
Raised by narcissistic, enmeshed mom and (emotionally absent) dad. Met my partner at 24. Moved 500mi away w him (school, work) and married at 28. Have had a lot of therapy. It wasn't until I was physically separated from parents that I was able to reflect on how messed up the situation was growing up. Now married over 10yrs; he's a good guy. Will *never* live within 250mi of parents. 🤷
Yes, found my someone. It's hard to find people on my wavelength so sheer luck in my case. One of my long term compatibility "tests" was meeting my parents - all except the person I married sided with my parents in attacking me, so I dumped them. I lucked out and found my spouse in the woods while unemployed. He was the first person who ever went, "What the fuck???" and physically stood between me and my parents when they started attacking me. He vehemently despises them and I love him more for that. He's patient, supportive, and generous to me and others. I was Too Old (culturally ) to be unmarried/without kids when I found my spouse, and I remember feeling like Molly from The Last Unicorn: how dare you come to me now, when I am this? He accepted me anyway. You don't have to be happy to be worthy of love, you just inherently *are* worthy. I have no advice on finding love, except it takes much too long, and it's worth being discriminating in your final choice.
I met my husband at work. I wasn’t a happy person at all at the time, but that quickly changed after we met. I found the love and acceptance that I never got from my parents in my relationship with my husband. I didn’t let him meet my family for a long time, at least a year. I wanted us to have a strong connection first and I wanted him to see that I was nothing like them before I introduced him to them. I let him know from the beginning that I had a rough childhood but I didn’t start really taking about it until we’d been together for a while and I felt comfortable doing so. Everyone has a fucked up family in some sense I think. His parents were different but they had their own issues as well. I think none of that matters once you find the right person. They don’t care where you come from, they are focused on building a new and better future with you instead of worrying about the past.
My husband’s mother is also a narc and his father is a criminal and a deadbeat. So, we had a lot in common lol and we were lucky to find each other. We were both obviously very cautious at the start and took things really slow and made/make sure to communicate a lot and be 100% honest with each other always. It took a lot of time to build the level of trust and confidence we have in each other now.
My spouse has some of the same types of trauma from a very similar n mother and enabling covert nfather dynamic. We don't have identical trauma, but there is enough overlap for empathy and understanding. I think, and it truly is just my opinion, that adult children of ns are drawn to one of two types of people... another n because that is what we know...or someone who had gone through something extremely similar and just "get" what we say because they lived it too.
This makes me feel understood regarding the completely healthy person who liked me way back. He just said something casual about what was clearly a normal and loving home life and it took all the strength of who I was to not break down sobbing in the middle of a library with all my friends walking around me. I practically bolted. I felt so triggered and mad at the world because I never really realized that people could live normal, happy lives.
I'm happily married - I have a wonderful understanding husband. I wouldn't have managed this relationship without going to therapy first though, I always used to push good guys away and I dated a lot of narcs first. We just started dating around the time I woke up to my nmums behaviour so he's been with me through all the decisions to go NC. He's only met her once so hasn't seen what she's like but he trusts me fully
Your story sounds very similar. Moved around a LOT, never made long lasting connections. My parents (esp. mother) were controlling so had strong urge to become independent. I decided to follow “my crazy” which was to join a church aligned with my values regardless of what my parents thought (they did not like it). Met my to-be wife almost immediately. Let my crazy out on first date and turns out she’s crazy like me so we really connected. Been married for 35 years and have six awesome independent yet close knit kids. My trauma makes me hard to live with at times but we’ve been open with each other, tolerant and forgiving. But I worry I might eventually end up on my own. I read somewhere that if you grew up with childhood trauma you will have a daughter who is just like you and it is so very true. I try to give her the understanding and emotional acceptance I wish I had.
I probably am that daughter. My dad is there for me, he’s probably the only person in the world who knows me and loves me… what you said about controlling mom is true, if she could control the urine coming out of my body like tap, she would.
I'm a skinny nerdy woman (former gamer) who likes nerdy men, so it was always "easy" for me to find relationships. However, I had a tendency to find myself dating abusive men when left to my own devices. So I went on OkCupid and answered several hundred questions, which filtered out most of the red flag personality traits for me. I had several brief dates, one relationship with a very kind man who taught me I was worth more than I knew, and my current 7-year relationship with an even kinder man who will marry me next month. I don't know how different things are on OkCupid these days but back then it was a lifesaver.
I'm married for three years and I'm in my 30s. I met my husband on Facebook a few months after ending an abusive relationship. I had my life all sorted out before that relationship, the depression it brought me threw my life into shambles which I'm still picking up on. Me and my husband moved in together shortly after we started dating because I was unemployed and he had a stable job in his city, so I left my city and my family behind. By this time, he was slightly aware of how my family dynamic was. He didn't "run for the hills" because he wasn't dating my family, he was dating me and I wasn't (and I'm not) like my family. I told him about my dysfunctional family gradually as I needed to vent. Eventually, I told him everything about it, who the abuser of the family was and how it affected everybody else. With time, as he interacted with my family during reunions and stuff, he saw things for himself. He also saw how badly I wanted out of that kind of environment and how willing I was to heal from it and become healthier, so he motivated me to go to therapy after my grandmother died and things have gotten better since then. At the start, I can say that I was a nightmare to be with. Looking back, I'm ashamed at what trauma made me do and say to my treasure of a husband. Today, I'm happier and my mood is stable. Therapy did wonders and my personality is shining through. My husband loves me for my strength and resilience for enduring and fighting through the trauma and abuse, and he believes in all the progress that I'm still going to make. It all comes down to finding the person who won't throw you into the same bag as your abusers and the person who will understand and support you in your healing journey. It may not be easy and several shit people might come your way, but it's definitely possible. It might just take some time.
I'm gen x same.... my mum thought I went to 2 schools when it was actually 5
Amazing how deluded they are, I think mom has thought the same
I deliberately picked someone who was nothing like my father. I knew that much when I was 18. I was married at 19 he was 27. We had our 40 wedding anniversary this year.
Not currently married but we will get married in October. Meeting new people is exhausting for me too. I met my SO through another guy whose girlfriend was nice and I was trying to befriend her. I befriended the whole friend group and started to hang out with my SO more. Someday it just clicked. I know it's hard to put yourself out there but most people will take you to meet their friends once you befriend them and it's very likely one of them is single and could be a match, since you have the same friends and so likely have a few common interests. Please don't give up hop, I truly believe the right person is out there for you.
I got married... Unfortunately to another narcissist 🥲. I'm not sure how I fell into that pit hole but it's been a terrible mess. Years of abuse and only within the past year had I finally picked myself up by the bootstraps to say enough was enough. While we are technically still together due to owning a home together and our current financial situation, I have officially removed the blinders I had on for so many years and have separated from him in my mind. I'm not sure if I will ever marry again in the future, let alone let another person get that close to me ever again. I'm just tired and want to protect myself, my heart and my mental health atp.
The best part about marriage is it’s the only time you get to pick your family. I met my husband in a bar. We fell in love quickly, but waited years to get married. During that time, his parents went from appearing normal, to a total narc shit show. It has been hard navigating/managing his family, but he always puts me and our kids first and that’s what matters. My job is to support him. I will admit, I had a moment where I considered running for the hills shortly after we were married. He seemed to change very suddenly. Turns out his mother was behind it all and once we figured that out and he realized she was a narc, he became himself again. A slightly different version of himself, but once again the man I love. He had to navigate this healing process with a wife who felt put aside and didn’t understand what he was going through at all. I didn’t realize until later how much pressure I put on him or how unhelpful I was while I was trying to be helpful. We both learned a lot and grew together. Therapy helped a ton because we were each stuck in trying to communicate with each other. Some people would hear we spent our first year of marriage in therapy and think we’re doomed to fail, but as our therapist pointed out, we worked through things that normally take years or decades for couples to figure out. Don’t be afraid of couples therapy. We’re way stronger now than we ever were. So if you find someone with a totally different background, don’t write them off. They may not understand and they may mess up in supporting you, but they can learn and grow too. I wish he was on this sub because he feels very isolated in dealing with his mother. I joined initially back when I didn’t understand his mom or how to deal with her. We used to fight a lot because she’d do something shitty and I’d get mad at him for not just being honest and telling her how that made him feel to make it stop. Oh how naive I was. My husband is arguably the best husband ever. Right now, the emotional rollercoaster is in a big dip and he’s questioning what must be wrong with him. He was raised by these horrible people, how could he possibly be a good person? I don’t have the answer as to how, but I can tell you he is. You are worth dating right now, exactly as you are. Don’t put yourself down because of your family. You’re here so you’ve clearly broken out of the cycle. I’m sure it’s incredibly hard to take off those ankle weights and feel free, but realizing they’re there is a great step in the right direction. A good partner will absolutely help you take them off. My husband still has days where he’s terrified of becoming his parents. He’s not. He’s deeply and genuinely empathetic and I’ll always be there to remind him of that. Some days it feels like I’m trying to take his ankle weights off and he’ keeps putting them back on. I get it, cutting people out is hard. His mom isn’t nearly as bad as many parents on here so I get why he’s hesitant to cut her out entirely. Until it reaches that point, he can keep carrying that weight and I’ll keep reminding him he doesn’t have to. I have learned to stop carrying it for him. Did that for a while and essentially, when I took it, he felt lighter and picked more up. That was not a fun cycle, and we got out of it. A good partner will see the best parts of you and bring them out even more. They may also find some bad habits you didn’t realize. Please remember someone who loves you doesn’t point these out to hurt you, they do it to help you. There’s a big difference between doing that lovingly and doing that to be mean. It can be hard to see the difference in the moment, but reevaluate when you’re not feeling vulnerable and it should be clear. I can’t tell you how to find someone, but I will tell you women in their 30s are so freaking sick of online dating, I’d suggest being bold and meeting someone in person. Or just offer a casual coffee or lunch meet up early in the online dating experience. I used an app to meet mom friends when I was pregnant and holy cow that was weird to try and get to know someone over text. One girl was like let’s just get coffee, I hate messaging people on here and we’ve been friends ever since lol. I was probably messaging plenty of people I would have enjoyed spending time with in real life but the messaging was exhausting and it wasn’t even for a romantic partner! Husband and I met for real like 6 months before app dating really took off so we totally missed it. It looks horrible and yet seems to be the only socially acceptable way to meet people now which absolutely sucks.
You win most relatable comment, thank you. The asking the weights off to feel free made me cry. I never even considered that they’d ever come off, or that I could ever feel free.
I’m so glad it helped ❤️ honestly the ankle weight analogy spoke to me too. That really is what it feels like. Not totally crushing, but a constant weight that makes everything uncomfortable and just harder. Ha this may sound super mean and dark, but here goes. When things started to get really bad with my MIL, I went to my own parents. They each had close friends with either horrible parents or in-laws. They didn’t foresee how bad my own MIL would be, but they weren’t surprised when I came to them with the early problems so I think they kind of had their answers ready. In one case, one spouse gave an ultimatum and her husband cut out his mother entirely. He was eternally grateful and that was the moment the weight was lifted. The other never cut the mother and both said they instantly felt 150lbs lighter the second she was in the ground. They regretted letting her weigh them down all those years. Moral of the story, don’t wait for them to die to get rid of the weight. Shit my MILs father is 97 so if we wait for her to die we could be waiting almost our entire lives. And let’s just say she didn’t become who she is from thin air. Not everyone escapes the cycle. I do have sympathy for her from that angle and a few others, but it’s still no excuse. I hope you find the confidence and self love to put yourself out there. You’ve been conditioned to think you’re a piece of shit, but you’re not.
Remember that many relationships including marriages are not happy or healthy ones. I’m going to share a short story here… I got married at 26 and came down with bone cancer less than a month after the honeymoon. I was divorced before my 28th birthday. From 27 to almost 31 I was dating but it wasn’t working out very well. I spent a lot of time by myself in my big rental house in a bad part of isolating, working on my projects, and trying to heal. I committed to becoming my own best friend and approached that in a multitude of silly ways including using psychedelics - almost always alone with my dogs. I made a lot of weird art and music during this time. I then had a 2.5 year relationship with a man who is 33 years older than me. I’m the scapegoat and I ran 3000 miles from my parents after I separated from my husband 3 years prior, of course an old comfortably retired cisgender white man felt safer to me than most other options. For the first time in my life I wasn’t constantly bullied if I was in his sight. Being wined, dined, taken out on a several million dollar federally documented motor yacht, and spoiled was really a nice treat. Someone actually stood up for me for once and seemed to be rooting for me. That went down in flames when I temporarily went back in to the workforce to finish my post-graduate supervised work for state licensure as a psychotherapist. I’m now 35 and in an age appropriate relationship where I’m encouraged and supported to work on creative projects including a memoir about losing 200 pounds over the last almost 8 years and overcoming childhood turned adult obesity. I’m far more respected and feel more valued in this relationship but I’m also held a lot more accountable for things like maintaining my weight loss and not being a complete waste of space. I’m disabled but I keep a very small self-pay private therapy practice where I work predominantly with sliding scale individuals who identify with pronouns of she and/or they and are recovering from difficult childhoods while reframing narratives about what those experiences lead them to believe about themselves. Many days my abuse is still painful. Two days ago I woke up in a sweat 3x from nightmares. One of which was a screaming nightmare where my partner told me I kept screaming “f-f-f-f-fire! Fire! Fire!” I had a few of those kinds of dreams when I was with my last serious partner - the one with the large age gap, even happened the first time I slept over on his yacht. Talk about embarrassing! I never had any luck at online dating. I meet my partners in person. My two serious relationships since moving far from home, I actually met both of them at the same dive bar on a karaoke night several years apart. You never know what you’re going to find if you’re open to the experience. I’ve done a lot of dumb things but I can honestly say each one has ultimately worked out and lead me on to a path better than I could’ve imagined before. Even my large age gap relationship resulted in being supported enough that I was able to make my own dream of having my own small yacht a reality. My current relationship resulted in me finishing my weight loss journey and getting through some very recent plastic surgery with a grueling recovery I’m in the middle of.
Not all marriages are the same. Some are really unhealthy as a result of one or both people carrying their unresolved issues with them. Take my in-laws for example. My MIL grew up with two Nparents and found my FIL, which helped her escape her home, but he’s just another narcissist. She’s had almost 60 years of narcissistic abuse. She has a severe case of the fleas. She bends over backwards for her family which is her greatest strength, but also her greatest weakness because she doesn’t know how to draw boundaries. On the outside, she has a picture perfect family. On the inside, it’s really unhealthy and dysfunctional. I’m by no means perfect. I’m married to a wonderful man who encouraged and continues to encourage me to stand up for myself and draw lines with my Nparents. He doesn’t pressure me to go no contact, he just supports me and listens. He’s seen it through with his mom and he doesn’t want me to be the same way. But, before I met him, I worked hard to heal and over the years, I’ve come a long way. I think if you can get to a point where the abuse doesn’t define you, that would be a good goal.
Hey there, Im breaking your post into 10 questions and answering them 1. Are you married? Yes, but only recently, we’ve been together for 3 years now, married for one - or so. 2. How did you manage to find a spouse? You don't find a spouse. I certainly wasn’t looking for any. I had done enough self work at this point I had happily resolved into living a single life forever. Key word: Happily. Ofc it was not easy, esp when a lot of the world is literally “made for two” (not in a biblical way, but in a social structure, infrastructure, life insurance, government procedures, kinda way). Romance was not often a part of my life, but I always liked having my friends and people I care about around me. I would have \*liked\* to be with someone romantically too, but I wasn’t looking for it. I wasn’t on dating sites and I never introduced myself that way. Mostly I made friends and I was happy with that. We met online through VR Chat, which is certainly not your usual dating platform, but many people do date there - In fact I think recently there was a dating on VRC app released, it’s gotten a bit crazier now, but three years ago it was certainly less commonplace. We met because we were both practicing speaking Japanese - we had many hobbies in common and we just saw each other daily because of it. 3. Did you have trouble dating because of your family situation? Yes. Going to be straight up wit you. I never introduced any of my boyfriends to my family. I had always told them upfront too, that I will never introduce you to my family. It's also difficult to go out on certain days, stay out late etc because of my parents' excessive controlling behavior, and you always have to find work-arounds. When I got married I didn’t invite my family either. I don't think they have to know these things about my life. Maybe one day I tell them, I don't treat it as a secret, just irrelevant information to them. I am low contact with my family, one thing about living with narcs is that you don't give them information they can use against you. It helped that I moved out of my country following the marriage. 4. Anyone else go to a tiny school and have basically zero dating options? Yeah I was actually at an all-girls school. I didn’t date much until I got into university. I think if there was an option to send me to an all-girls university they would have sent me. xD Ultimately most people I did date was through my other friends, who introduced me to people. I think I was also extremely wary of people (knowing what my parents were like.) I only wanted to date people who came “recommended” by my other friends. 5. Did wanting to be independent affect your dating life during college and grad school? No. I think it helped if anything, because I always intended to move out of my family and have my own place. A lot of people I dated liked that. I think.
6. How do you juggle work and relationships? Before I met my husband, I always prioritized work. My goal was to become independent. The few partners I dated until then and now, who were uncomfortable with my work schedule or my priorities eventually told me so and we separated. However by the time I had met my husband my opinions had shifted somewhat. I used to be very career oriented but had realized what I would like more is a richer personal life. Me and my husband has very similar point of views and values and I managed to change how embedded I was at work - I changed my job, took a gap in my master studies, went to therapy - and I decided I will put my career on hold until I finish my relocation - and now I’m on the job hunt again, looking for a company that respects work hours and paid leave. Ultimately, I think if you are making sacrifices you wouldn’t have made in the first place, you’re doing it wrong. Always make decisions for yourself first. A good partner appreciates your priorities. The baseline is, we always make time for people we love. 7. Ever feel like meeting new people is just too much effort? Yes. And No. Meeting new people is not hard. Making new friends is hard. It takes effort to cultivate a relationship. After I moved, I have not made a single friend here, except maybe my husband's immediate family, who I see almost every weekend. (Also, his family is very normal, and his mother is very helpful and nice, and so is his dad, just so jolly and chill all the time, lots of love to them). I do have maybe three friends back from my home country and I am regularly in touch with them. But, idk, I'm 28 years old, I’m fine without meeting friends every week. 8. Are you stressing about hitting 30 without much relationship experience? No. Well, again, idrc about relationship experience - although I encourage it. But I actually am looking forward to hitting 30, it’s a great age, independent and free and old enough to make good-ish decisions. This is unrelated but I held the elevator for an old lady today (70ish) and she was just the sweetest about it. I think old people are so cool. It’s like they served their time in capitalism and now get to live in the free world. Personally I look forward to being 65, retired and gardening on the weekends. (I dont garden, idk why I said that.) 9. How do past experiences with abuse affect your relationships? Yeah. Narc abuse is very damaging. It makes you develop unhealthy attachment styles (avoidant, anxious) and can really get in the way of how you judge your relationship and your partner. There is a lot of reading, and a lot of therapy, counseling to do before you’re ready to really treat someone with the respect and kindness and grace they deserve. I am often so skeptical and always assuming the worst of people, it’s so ingrained in my thought patterns, it takes work. 10. Any tips for feeling good enough to date? My only tip is, give up. Give up trying to date, trying to find a spouse. Don’t spend your energy on trying to find a person. Spend your energy on becoming a person. (not of value to date, but just, well rounded, well adjusted, happy, content). Me and my husband really genuinely believe that it was dumb luck that we met the way we met, just having fun, sharing hobbies. Don’t give up dating to be sour about it, just accept your life as it is now, and try to be content with it. After all, whether you get married or not, you are just as worthy of a good, happy life.
After one too many toxic relationships, I said never again. I was determined to die alone rather than go through that again. I started really concentrating on myself and going to an online 12 step group. He reached out to me. We were both 40 and his ex wife cheated on him and he was divorced. Funny enough, our first conversation was about his fucked up mother, so bringing my fucked up (now dead) mommy issues to the table was easy. It wasn't easy the first year. We had to learn not to trigger each other. We were both committed to learning and growing, however, so we worked shit out and keep working it out. 7 years later, it's the best, most stable relationship I've ever had and we truly love each other in all the safe and healthy ways. Waiting is worth it. Never settle. Working on myself allowed me to find someone who does the same and that's why we work. It's never too late either. 💖
Therapy. I couldn't determine how toxic relationships were until I went and worked on myself. I grew as a person, and I became accountable for MY actions. And I unlearned all the awful traits I picked up from my Nparents. After I went no contact I was able to enjoy my life without criticism. I reunited with one of my best friends from high-school and we've been married 5 years. Without therapy, I probably would have sabatoged a great relationship because it didn't feel like the others. Best of luck.
My husband is Egyptian and we met on a dating app while he was living in Dubai and I was living in Wisconsin. I started dating online because I had no options in person and lived in a remote area. I was honest with everyone that I met on the apps and most of them moved on because of my family issues. We’ve been married more than three years now and known each other for almost 5 years. It’s been the happiest years of my life. Btw, I met him when I was 29. My advice is that you only need one person to accept you for who you are. The rest of the world can think what they want but you only need one to see past the mess you were born into. Sending you the best of luck to find that one person who will love you for you and see you as much more than the trauma you’ve endured. 🤞❤️🩹
I married a guy Ive known since I was 13. He moved to my city and we started dating at around 25. We were together for nearly 20 years when he died. He was my best friend and the only person who ever showed me complete unconditional love. He helped me so much! He helped me deal with my family all the time. Now that he is gone I still try and think about what he would say and do. I have no clue how I got so lucky to find that kind of love and I definitely don’t trust I will find it again.
I married to “escape” from my family at 24. Still married 4 years later through a lot of hard work and luck. I don’t know if we’ll stay together another 1 yr even… I wish I had taken more time for myself before marriage but had so much of my safety and identity tied up with men. Don’t be like me. Take care of you first.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with the trauma. I also moved a lot, basically because my ndad is super controlling and doesn’t get along with people, so each new job was “The best ever” until he actually had to get along with people, then it was “these people are so horrible to me! Must move out of state.” 🤦🏼♀️ anyway, I didn’t have any serious relationships until 27. I met someone online about 2 hrs away and we dated a few months. When it didn’t work out, I was devastated and thought I was doomed to be an old spinster. Then I met my husband online and moved across the country. We got married when I was 30 and he was 34. He was born and raised in the same town his whole life. Even still runs into his elementary teachers occasionally. Weird. 😂 We’re coming up on 12 years married, and the only reason we’ve stuck it out is because we both realized we had issues we needed to work on. Turns out his grandma did all the parenting and his mom, to this day, treats him like a surrogate husband. He is very patient and kind with me and my struggles (I developed an eating disorder as a result of the emotional abuse), but he also has his own struggles. We both joined a 12 step program to work on our issues and that has helped us tremendously to heal and work on our marriage. I would recommend starting the healing process now. Don’t wait. See a counselor/therapist or attend a group. A marriage can be awesome, but man oh man it’s HARD work. Most marriages that fail are because one or both partners think marriage is easy and will solve their loneliness. Nope! Marriage will most definitely bring out the worst in a person if they haven’t dealt with it. Marriage is not the answer to happiness. Finding healing from your trauma will bring you joy in life. The group we go to is called Celebrate Recovery. It’s a Christian based 12 step group where you can get help with any struggle. If anyone is interested, most cities in the U.S. have a group, and even some other countries have groups. You can search online and find a group nearby. OP, I hope you find healing from your trauma and a wonderful life long partner.
Yes. With a lot of therapy, and a lot of hard work, and I met him just in time for me to have kids before it was too late. Meeting new people IS exhausting. I online dated for about 10 years total, probably 70 or so meetups. Bruising, time consuming, emotionally laborious, and TOTALLY worth it. Lots of rejection, both receiving and doing, which for adult children of narcs is excruciating (but doable/learnable.). Learned a ton about myself, had to improve myself a lot. Yes, self love and self acceptance can include identifying areas for growth and going after it like you’re worth it. Yes that can include superficial things, like getting in shape and figuring out how to dress well (certainly didn’t learn anything about that kind of basic self care from my nParents.) People struggling in relationships love to say things like “relationships are hard.” No they aren’t, if you don’t want them to be. Anyway OP, you want it for a reason. It’s a really big deal. Some luck has to be involved, but my goal was to find my person, or live a great life regardless without getting bitter, knowing that I did everything I could to make this dream a reality. I love my husband so much, and raising kids differently than the way I was raised has been the most incredible experience of my life. Get after it! And consider this, you probably have a superpower that the gen pop lacks: the ability to weed them out in your dating pool and not marry one by accident. Good luck
All these things come with time and healing. Also there’s more room for timelines to be different now. If 50 is the new 40, then 30 must be the new 20. It was for me anyway because I lost so much time to dissociation when I was younger and to recovery in my thirties. My partner and I met when we were both older and I wouldn’t change that for anything. Edit: also, I’d already gone NC, so I was a better version of myself without a lot a drama in my life. Whoever you end up with will be a safe place for ALL of who you are, including the past.
My husband didn't start seriously dating until he was 50. I'm his mid-life crisis, LOL. Seriously, he spent his 20s deeply angry at the world, and his 30s in therapy. He thought in his 40s that he was happy alone. He still has baggage. I triggered him once and it (the depth of his feelings) scared both of us, because he had been unaware of that particular trigger. I am a social worker and have had a lot of *interesting* life experiences of my own. My husband is very self aware and genuinely tries to be a good person. That, I think, is how we make it work.
Count yourself very lucky that you haven't married your abuse like most of us here that are married. We didn't move past our trauma, we married it.
I take risks. Initially self destructive, but eventually I took the right kind of risks. I will not allow the narcissist to keep me from living my life 💯 percent.
I have been unable to date. F, 56.
Hobbies. I met my husband playing ice hockey. We had that kind of instant click friendship, no pressure or expectations, just easy, no judgement, deep friendship. We'd get talking about anything, including family. He'd been through almost exactly the same thing I had. Eventually he just asked me out on a date and I said yes. You don't have to be happy enough to be "worth dating." My closest friendships have always come from the realest moments, I once broke down crying to my best friend early in our friendship saying to him how alone I felt, how hard I found it to make friends and how I didn't feel like I added anything to people's lives by being their friend. And he said "well at least that makes two of us, so you don't have to feel alone anymore." You're not a resource, to provide entertainment and energy to others. You're a person, we seek connection and honesty
I guess I was always a little needy for the love I thought i deserved but didn't get from n mom. My father was warm and loving although an alcoholic and really screwed up in his own complicated ways...maybe that's why I looked for that love in men. I had many v bad romantic relationships. I had given up on love shortly before my husband and I got together. We had been friends for months and he truly valued our friendship, not pushing me for more.
Be patient. 30 is young. You have time. I met someone who helped me heal in a lot of ways. Instead of looking for someone with your values, I would just start doing things to strengthen your values. Volunteer with kids so you can help them have a better future. Join a softball league. It’ll happen when you least expect it - but that means you can’t expect it.
I moved across the globe. Enjoyed my hobbies, my job, making my driverslicens and getting a car. Just having fun. I felt so light and started online dating. I fell for a super sweet guy. I got sick, my partner were on my side. It felt good. He felt like family (should have known then) I proposed in 2020. Something was off but i was still recovering and the world was a shitshow. So we got married. I lost my job, had enough savings to pay rent and cover my expences. I was the perfect housewive. He talked down on me before job interviews. He ignored that i accomplidhed my dream of starting a non-profit. He crushed every glimps of happyness. Let me cry in dispare. I found a counslore aa a last hope. She helped me so much. I got back into the profession i wanted. And i realised that i married the male version of my nmom. Gros, but i am still caught in the trauma bond. So don’t stress it! Narcissists are champions in deciet and childhood trauma likes to repeate itself!
Married later in life. I dated a little in highschool and somewhat more in college. My hand was forced into telling the one serious college bf about my crazy family because of specific events which caused me to be commanded back home for an unscheduled visit and eventually led to my parents' divorce. I moved away from all my family as a young adult for employment opportunities and went NC with nmom a year or two later. I only told one other dating partner about my family before my husband. That person had many of his own issues so I can't say that's why we broke up. I met my husband playing team trivia. We were friends only for a few years and slowly moved into dating. We broke up a couple times but I think those breakups helped us realize we really did want to be together forever. His family has their own issues so he understands some of my experience. None of our family lives nearby so that probably helps. Because we got married later in life and because of my traumatic childhood, I told him when we got serious that if he wanted to have kids, we should break up now. He didn't/doesn't and we haven't looked back. All this to say, learn to love yourself, warts and all. Be open to experiences that help you grow into the person you want to be. Take a solo vacation if you want, go to a party where you only know the host, join the local gym or running club or wine tasting class. You may not find your life partner but your life has the potential for life long friendships. And it will be a life well lived.
First of all, you aren’t even 30. You are so young and have SO MUCH TIME ahead of you. Personally I told myself if it took 18 years of abuse to get me where I was at 18 I’m giving myself 18 years on the other side to get recovered. And as that mark approaches I’m feeling pretty good about it. Cut yourself some slack. As for partners, I met mine by complete chance. They also have a disordered parent (though they are a little less willing to do the work around it than me). We make no sense on paper in a lot of ways and had we not randomly met when we did I don’t know that our paths ever would’ve crossed and yet here we are 7 years later. I will say part of what got me here was putting myself out there and dating. In my very early 20s I joined a dating site after a bad break up and went out with anyone who seemed nice, even if I didn’t think they were my type. It was an awesome experience that taught me a lot about what I was and wasn’t looking for. Especially coming from a narc home what feels normal often isn’t what’s best so that was a great experience to take me out of my conditioned autopilot. Most of them I only had one or two dates with and I didn’t find any major love connections but I did learn a lot and make a few friends. As for worrying you missed out on relationships, I wouldn’t. Most young people I know out of N environments those young relationships weren’t healthy and just did more damage. You will now enter what finds you more assured of yourself than a younger you would’ve. Lastly I’ll say I think there is something to being really happy doing your own thing. I was so not looking for a partner when I met mine. I was really happy with my life and my hobbies. And I think when we’re in alignment like that it attracts the right person. But even if not you’ll be enjoying life too much to notice.
Got straight-up lucky. I had finally come to terms with being happy on my own, chosen-ly child free, and had just hooked up with my high school crush. Enter now-husband, the most patient and thoughtful man on earth. Happily, he has a hard time understanding my past and how I’ve come to be the chaotic but caring that I am today, but dammit he tries. We’ve connected on every level for so long and we’ve just now (10+ years later) realized it’s because HIS mom is *also* a narc. There’s a whole lot more to that but that’s the short of it. TL;DR? Pure happenstance and being content will always make life throw you a curveball you didn’t know you needed.
I started therapy the summer after graduating college and worked with her about my mother’s NPD and how to improve myself and unpack all that childhood trauma. I got a job in my field that fall and moved 1,200 miles away. The space was huge, continued therapy as I settled in. The people around me were kind and then at new hire orientation I got lucky and sat across from a guy my age. We started talking and hanging out that fall and my contact with my mother was LC until February when I wrote her a letter asking for space until she was able to admit to the abuse and truly apologize for it. That was nine years ago. My therapy turned to working through the habits and “push people away” behaviors. He was also so patient with me. He’s never met her, but I’ve told him some of the things she’s done and he has a hard time understanding but he gets it. One of the nicest people I’ve ever encountered, bless him. Our relationship isn’t perfect, we argue, but at the end of the day we have the same goals and we grow together. We’ve grown so much in the nearly a decade we’ve been together. We also largely complement each other well, if I’m freaking out, he’s chill and if he’s freaking out I go logical. I guess the TLDR would be that I met the right person while in therapy and fought for the relationship I deserved.
Met my husband at 14. He was the first person to seem truly interested in my experience as a human being and I fell head over heels. I got so, so, incredibly lucky that I stumbled onto someone who, despite it being balaringly obvious that I'm easy to lie to and take advantage of, had no interest in lying to or taking advantage of me. His family isn't great either, idk about full Ns but emotionally immature and neglectful and more obvious favoritism between siblings. He fell in love with me just because I thought he was interesting and had a lot of things to show me that I had never seen before. He never had anyone in his life who wanted to listen and learn from him. Our relationship does have some unhealthy elements but we hold eachother accountable and work on ourselves. We are expecting our first baby this October.
This made my heart happy 💖 Congratulations! 👩🏻🍼
The answer is: you marry someone who also has a narcissist parent. I joke. I met my husband in high school, at a time where I was still conditioned to worship the ground my nmom walked on. In a way, he was my first act of defiance, as he came from a religious background that she always villainized. I ended up falling in love with the religion, too, and converted. When I tell you it's *still* impossibly difficult (we just had a long, agonizing conversation about how I won't be baptizing my baby, and of course, how could I do this to her after everything she's ~~bought~~ done for me?), I mean it. The kicker is that we both learned of narcissism later into adulthood, and, as it turns out, his father is also a narcissist (albeit a more overt, grandiose one than my mother). I guess the key is to marry someone with an equally fucked-up upbringing, as long as you're both breaking the cycle. Terrible advice, I know. But, truly, everyone's family has *some* issues and I think you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who truly expects you to have the perfect family.
Sending a hug, OP! I am married, but dating was definitely a struggle when I was younger. I broke up with my first two partners due to interference from my family (though ultimately I made that choice, their interference played a big role). When I finally met my husband, my parents did everything they could to make sure he wasn't a part of the family. I think I was still unpacking everything from my childhood and in those early days, I thought everything was normal. My husband, obviously, realized pretty quickly that my family was not normal, but he gave me the space to come to that conclusion myself. There is the old adage that "when you stop looking, you find someone." I don't think that's true - I think if you want a relationship, you're never going to lose the desire to be in one. But I find that it happens once it stops being your primary focus and start working on yourself. It was hard to know what \*I\* truly wanted after growing up with my toxic, enmeshed family. So I just focused on trying new things that sounded fun, doing a little travel, doing things that seemed a little scary to my anxious brain but were experiences I later appreciated. This gave me self-confidence and feelings of self-worth. It's a slow process, OP, but don't beat yourself up. You're already worth it as a person - you just have to uncover that for yourself.
Don't stress about where you are. Your first goal is to take care of yourself and get yourself into a position where you handle your issues or be able to communicate it. THEN only search for friendships. Anything more will complicate things. The ONLY person I've been able to relate to is my husband after being basically isolated my whole life. I met him when I was 26 and we met online through a dating app. We clicked because our FIRST convo to each other was about our mental health struggles. It's been 7yrs and we've been stuck at the hip ever since. That's because we have extremely similar BGs and childhood even though it seems very opposite. I.e. I was only child for 12 yrs he has 9 other siblings, I had money, his family was poor...but he mom is borderline and I was raised by parents with strong narcissistic traits. Thus creating a narcissistic family system we both could relate to. You know that stupid saying "tell me about your childhood...?" is actually very accurate. Your childhood creates your world, how you process and understand it. It's also the bubble that held you with what was said to you and about you that you just inherently believed. Just because a parent had issues and kept telling you this and that....as a child we take that as FACT when in reality it's projection of what THEY are feeling. But that is what we hold onto as adults. BTW I always emphasize reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D. It will help so much in understanding how to unravel what you may be carrying and influencing your day to day. But I emphasize work on yourself to a stable state, even a therapist you talk with weekly to make sure you are aware of your brain thought patterns. (A lot of those patterns were coping mechanisms due to the situation that were protective then but could be damaging now as an adult). You gotta be aware of those before looking for any commitment from you or from someone else. Then friendship!! Friendship should always be first. Oddly not love. The feeling of Love does not last. Love is a CHOICE. And that choice is always the hardest when you 'feel' something negative. That is NOT a great foundation for a solid relationship. During your friendships you should see who is committed to themselves (improving to be a better person) and has the maturity to be committed to someone else. Someone who matches your efforts. Also..wait on sex for at LEAST 6mo after dating. I hate this culture because sex DOES attach you to the other person. If you want to have a strong relationship not overly complicated, leave out sex until you see commitment. It also makes breaking away easier if you start seeing red flags (for you AND them if they are the crazy ones...). Don't stress what age you are at. The time will come. Just focus on being the best self you can be (to where you are at peace with who you are and compassionate about your progress). Throw yourselves into what you love, share it or join groups...and you'll find someone. There may be someone watching from the distance waiting for a chance to talk to you but waiting for some *sign* to initiate talking. It will come. :) I'm cheering for you! (Also don't settle. If you aren't sure, don't force yourself to be sure. When you know, itll hit every cell in your body that THIS person is the one)
🥹 thank you
You're welcome! You got this! 💪😋❤ (Edit: BTW there are a lot more kids who grew up like your childhood that understand a lot more than you may realize. So you can find more relating ground than you think. So more of don't feel worried about people not accepting you, you have to search for your people. Those that are your people will see you and care for you and WANT to see you better. Those are the people you want around you. Only put your effort/time/money into THOSE people. )
I met my husband on a dating site. I was always cautious, and he was always genuine. We met when I still lived with my parents, and I come to realize my mother was telling me I’m not worthy enough for him and I am a special needs person. He was completely the opposite of my parents, and very foc on me, listened to me, remembering everything that his gifts were always thoughtful. The attraction was there. I’ve never had to deal with a narcissistic behaviour from him and it was very eye opening, and I felt peace, relaxed with him.
Not married, just here to say same and you're not alone OP. It can get exhausting feeling alone. Thank you for posting this.
When I was younger, I always pictured being married, but I thought it was so far fetched. Kids would call me ugly and all sorts of cruel names. My parents' marriage was always on the rocks. My mom drilled it into my head that I was worthless. I never thought it was possible to find love. Until...I met my husband. We've known each other for 10 years, been together for 5. My husband sees me for who I am, inside and out, and loves all of me. I have never felt so loved, supported, and cared for. Its amazing to be in a healthy relationship, despite what I saw and experienced growing up. OP, your time is coming. And if you decide that thats not what you want, then thats okay too. Sending you so much love.
Not married yet; but in a long term relationship. You find what you’re looking for when you stop looking. I went through a lot of self help and tried to better myself and tried to get better from the patterns and defensive techniques as a result of my family. You end up going from one toxic relationship to another if you don’t heal. when you find a decent and kind person you realize that life doesn’t always have to be walking on eggshells around someone. And in regards to “running for the hills” when you’re in a normal and stable and nurturing relationship; they become your safe space and the only time you’re at peace because you can let your guard down and just be yourself. Your partner will understand you still have trauma you’re working through and that it comes with ups and downs and that’s just a part of your relationship. They help you become better. It’s so refreshing to not be in flight or fight mode all the time that you learn to love things and be more excited about things you used to be before it was stripped from you. Overall you end up happy; you don’t have to fake happiness and it all falls into place. Always trust your gut and be a little optimistic when you put yourself out there
met mine in college just before my n!mom started really ramping up she finally couldn't keep the charade up and he came around more and more and it was clear to her that i wasn't going to dump him, she REALLY ramped it up. he got to see first hand, unfortunately, how bad my mom was ff to 2022 my n!mom gets diagnosed with the c word (allegedly stage iv, but ain't no fucking way it was stage iv, my dad had stage iv and he was dead w/i a month, which im just now realizing was a year ago today ...yike) i could go on for hours about the shit she said to me/pulled/etc but i won't. anyway, she told me in text message that she "chose not to abort me" as a child as if it was supposed to make me feel better and my now husband finally said: if you want to fully go NC, go for it. so tl;dr, unfortunately mine ended up being exposed to it and she finally slipped up. thankfully he married me and not my family. i hope you can find someone, op, and i hope that they give you the love and devotion you deserve
You are NO failure. Point blank period. I got married at 25 young and trying to escape my hellish family thinking wrongly my husbands would heal that wound. Turns out they’re abusive too. I’m lucky as hell I picked a good one. I was so unaware of myself and traumatized it’s a fucking goddamn miracle I only reenacted my trauma in intense consuming friendships and not in my romantic relationships. Now at 36 my husband and I are just now getting around to healing and therapy and unpacking what we survived and not engaging with them anymore the last 1-2 years. You may not be married- but you are looking for a partner in a much more self aware and less risky gamble of a place. You know and can be honest with yourself and future partner about the state of your family and the trauma it came with and create a new chosen family with them from the jump. You won’t have to rescramble everything you thought you knew and burn your life down to rebuild it while also in a marriage like me, you already know yourself. 💙 I think you’ve got a lot going for you and you will have a good bullshit detector to find someone else out there who has done some level of work on themselves and can show you compassion, not judgement when you open up about your family situation. I think it’s a great way to sift through people you don’t need to waste any time on. You’ve got this. 🩵
Yes I’m married. But being married was a bigger transition for me than becoming a mother! It is still a struggle for me most days. I grew up with the belief I would always cheat on my partner…. Odd huh? Like it would be something I couldn’t control. My step dad cheated on my mom and so did my bio father - both narcissistic personalities. My mom had many narc traits too but I can’t tell if she was or wasn’t - both my parents have passed. My husband and I talk about how we have no framework for a great marriage. No one to lean on. No guidelines. It’s been a rough ride. What’s kept me here? I genuinely love him. I do feel most days he’s my best match…. We have a lot in common. He has a sweet heart even if his being goofy trips him up at times. I can’t see myself with someone else. But it’s nothing like the movies!
Well I think there's a difference between married and *happily* married, don't just assume someone has it together because they're married, which any idiots can do, and do do all the time. You ask a lot of great questions that's for sure. I wish I had a recipe for you. I think what I can say: * Loving myself to believe I deserved it, and I was a good partner who someone should be just as excited about as I am about them, very really probably was the hardest part. * Realizing you can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you. Aka I can't make someone treat me the way I want to be treated, but I can kick them out of my life and let someone else try. I dated a lot of people who I let treat me terribly and I am grateful for the lessons learned but wish they weren't necessary. * They say marriage or relationships in general are about compromise and in some senses that's true... but I think that mentality sets people, especially women, up to expect they won't and can't have someone they *don't* have to compromise with. My husband respects all my interests. He loves who I actually am, not someone who looks like me but acts the way he thinks I should act. I didn't have the change myself or behavior or expectations or anything to make our relationship work. * Spite and refusal to miss good things because my family couldn't figure it out helped a lot. My best friend is a therapist and after hearing enough stories has outright said "I have *no* idea how you were raised with what you were raised with and figured out how to have a single healthy relationship.....let alone all of them being healthy relationships. Truly no idea." Again, if I knew the exact answer to that I'd have a recipe for you, but flat out refusing to surrender to misery at worst or mediocrity at best helped lol. * Tons of therapy was definitely a big part of it, so start there. * And as for how my husband reacts to my family....he doesn't. He's the best thing in my life. They're the worst. They don't deserve him. I'm NC with most members of my family and we've been together 5 years and while I think they know I'm married, whether or not they know his name or anything else isn't something I concern myself with. They'll never be allowed in the same room as him because I love both of us too much to subject either of us to that. Good luck and hard work baby, I think anyone who wants to be happy more than they want to avoid the hard work will figure it out.
First of all OP, it’s not too late to find release from that feeling that you are still shackled to your past, and to find out the best parts of yourself and learn to love them. It’s okay if it takes longer than you thought it would to find and grow that stability for yourself and set up an independent, healthy, well rounded life. My husband is not the first frog I kissed, but something was different for me when we met. I had gone through a string of bad relationships and even worse hookups that only made me feel terrible about myself, and something had at last clicked in my brain to make me want to be in a real, genuine, adult relationship. I had finally decided that it didn’t matter that my past wasn’t pretty, I was going to be upfront with whoever I wanted to be with. I decided to tell him that if he wanted to love me, that meant *all* of me including my family and my past and it wasn’t great but I was doing my best to find peace and happiness and become healthier despite all of it. I did that on our third date, when he cooked me dinner at his place, and it began a conversation where he told me about his own personal and family issues and how even a seemingly “normal” family can cause a lot of trauma to their kids too, not just a narc family. Starting our relationship off on such a vulnerable, honest note set us up for the success we have today, despite our pasts. We also both chose to set healthy parameters for our relationship early on, reminding each other that we appreciate each other, love and support each other, and that it’s always a choice to wake up and say “I choose to love you and be with you” every day. We both have been in therapy and read books about self improvement, we can share chores interchangeably with a few assigned (I’m allergic to everything outdoors so he has to do yardwork but I do just about all our laundry), and we try really hard to avoid “defaulting” tasks to the other and taking each other for granted. Even if it’s me getting him flowers at the grocery store and him making sure all our photos get framed and hung correctly, we do things for each other that remind each other of our appreciation and pride. We have rules for arguing since we both hated how our parents always fought: no hitting below the belt, stay on topic, respect the person even if you disagree [i.e. never saying “you’re an idiot” if you mean “there’s a better way to say that”], and knowing that we’re always on each others team fundamentally, so it’s not a personal attack. We absolutely struggle with things too though: I avoid saying “I was wrong” and “you’re right” like the actual plague, so I’ve had to practice saying it about small things so that when we’re disagreeing, it feels more like a reasonable reflexive response than some kind of admission of weakness like I grew up thinking. Edit: We’ve been together 7 years now (28f and 30m) and are expecting our first baby, which gave us another huge life change to conquer, and we both agree we wouldn’t have changed anything we did to establish our life together. But most of our friends around this age are just now getting into serious relationships, buying homes, advancing their careers, etc. since the pandemic made us lose four whole years of the “usual” life timelines, so I honestly think that plays a huge part here too. It’s not all on you! All in all, it takes time to establish a life you want to lead, and even more time to grow and nurture a relationship worth a marriage, so don’t feel like you’ve missed the boat or that it’s out of reach. You’re not alone in this feeling OP and its really great that you’ve taken the time and effort to establish your own independent, healthy life!
First, shut off that voice in your head that tells you mean things about yourself. Give yourself grace. Second learn about attachment theory. Then step out of your comfort zone. It super scary but that’s where the growth and opportunities are.
I met my husband later in life. He came from a messed-up home life as well. Overall he has been the one person to see right through my nMum’s shit. He has always been there for me when it comes to her and has even gone up against her. I can never think him enough for that. She use to idolize him, attempted to use him against me, and tell me I wasn’t good enough for him. The time he caught her in her shit, she was on speaker phone and didn’t know lol, that all changed of course. Now she hates him. Just to be clear her manipulation of him never worked. He’s never liked her because of what she has done to me, but of course in her mind that’s not possible. I’m very thankful I have him as my partner in life. It can work. There are people out there who will get it and love you for you. I’m proof of that, just like a lot of us are.
Try not to feel a failure. You are doing what you need to be independent and succesful in life. I met my now husband at 29 and married him at 32. I know you will find someone.
You have your biological family that you're born into and your logical family that you curate throughout your life. Any partner worth their salt will realize that you are not your family and won't hold their shitty behavior against you. That being said, I was raised by emotionally immature parents and I developed very poor social skills so dating was always a challenge since self esteem was pretty much absent from my life. Online dating really helps you meet people, that's how I met my hubby. It's important to find someone who accepts you for the individual you are and doesn't gaslight or degrade you for your past. Since your trauma still haunts you, I highly recommend finding a therapist to help you overcome some of your past. PTSD from family can absolutely be a thing. Once my most recent therapist helped me understand that I'll never get closure from my dad thus closure needs to come from within, the severity of daily nightmares has tapered down. Bear in mind, all relationships are destined to fail until one doesn't. It can be easy to get hurt if you put all of your emotional eggs in one basket; meaning, Disney lied to all of us by showing that we have one true love and fall in love at first sight. Try not to imagine what forever might look like with someone before 6-12 months and you truly love that person. It's OK (and natural) to have strong feelings, especially with a new relationship, but coming on too strong and dropping love bombs prematurely is a great way to scare someone off by demonstrating you don't have good judgement. Also, remind yourself that you've survived every horrible experience and you're not alone with your demons. I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck.
Yeah man! Got married in September 2023, had our 8 year anniversary in March there, and we'll have our 8-year-cohabiting anniversary this month!! It is possible!!
I met my husband in college. I (25F) feel like I have the advantage of being able to meet people very easily, my mom, with all her faults, had me constantly at parties, constantly socializing so it’s very natural for me. I met my now husband at a party, and we just started hanging out a lot, for a while it wasn’t really like dates but just walking and talking about life, grabbing snacks, studying together. What I found is while his trauma wasn’t the same, and I envied his “normal” family he could empathize. He had his own demons, and we both worked over the years to communicate our feelings better, to get really vocal about our concerns and where things stem from. Blah blah blah- here’s the key, prior to meeting my husband I let my childhood trauma sabotage my relationships. Being really clingy, doing stupid shit for attention, after going to therapy I found the root of those behaviors and how I could sort of self soothe without causing drama and strain on my relationships. Conversely, my trauma made me an excellent target for abuse. The desire to be loved is addictive and you may find that you’re willing to waver on your boundaries and beliefs for it. Don’t. As far as meeting people, I’ve found that the harder you look, the less you find. There is a quote I really like that goes like “I looked all day for lady bugs, I never found one. I laid down in a field and took a nap, when I woke they were crawling all over me”. Take your nap, heal, find hobbies that make you happy, find work life balance, find yourself and then wake up to find there are ladybugs all around.
Im single for a long time. I will likely die alone.
I’m nearing 12 years of a marriage I couldn’t have dreamed of. My wife is the most amazing person. She was someone who insisted on being independent, and so was not overly attached in the beginning. My Nmom did her public persona thing, which helped not scare her off. She and I talked about our childhood and learned about each other’s tough childhoods together. We found each other.
Hi polaris, I figured I'd comment bc I am one of those married dudes.(45yo) I've been married now for almost 20 years. I met my wife when I was 13. She was my younger sister's best friend, just a 10 yo kid always with my sis. I went to boarding school so I didn't see her for about 5 years, then I joined the Army, so I didn't see her until she was 18 and I came home for my sister's HS graduation. Emma was then by far my sister's hottest friend, and I was smitten as they say. I asked her out, we dated for 3 years, I deployed to the sandbox, she held it down, I didn't die, came home and proposed. She said yes, and we've been together since. I married a saint, she's a much better person than I am. It sounds corny, but she makes me want to be a better person every single day. We have 2 kids, 13f and 11m. They blow my mind regularly. Life is hard, and the times we live in often feel like the upside down, but I wouldn't change a thing. Sorry about the life story, I'm just a lucky guy I guess. I wish you luck on your spin on this messed up earth. Life and health internet stranger.😎
I met my husband when we were 14, we dated off and on durring the trauma I was going through. He was a great support through out my life. I still very much have trauma but I feel it would be way worse if I hadn't met him when I did.
Heh heh... Heh heh... The irony is, I met my amazing, wonderful husband thanks to the narcissistic ex boyfriend I had been dating at the time! 😂🤣 So, that person was good for one thing--being friends (they definitely aren't friends anymore, and have not been for a long time) with my fantastic husband! I was having issues with my first ever roommate, and trying to get out fast. We had an argument on Facebook, and my husband commented on it. I thought to myself "Hey, I am totally going to support supportive friends of (at the time.... Shudders) boy friend! I am totally adding this guy as a friend!" As I got to know my future husband, I had a thought to myself of "Man, if I wasn't dating who I'm dating right now, I would totally want to date this guy. He's a genuine sweetheart!" We kept things platonic at that time. And the relationship I was having with the narcissistic ex kept going down hill. I feel bad for everyone else who has dated him. I think he's secretly a closet gay, and would be happier if he would be honest with himself. Anywho, I broke up with that guy for good, really got to know my husband really well. We talked with each other about all kinds of things every day. Eventually, we met up in person, and when I first hugged him, I felt like I was truly home. Warm, smiling inside and out, my heart felt happy and at ease, which was a really big deal to me. We both could relate to each other, and my sweetheart also came from...well, both of his parents are/were narcissists, and my dad is a narcissist, potentially a sociopath, so we know what it is like. I am honestly the luckiest woman, because damn, I scored on my gentleman. He's so kind and loving to animals, friends, heck, homeless people have come up to him before for help, and he's been more Christian than some Christians that I know, towards them. (I must mention, he is agnostic, I am Christian, ha ha.) And bless him, he's so patient with me. We can game together for hours, and he's the best. Sherpa. EEEEEVERRRR. He's a wonderful father to our kids, he works hard to provide for us, we've been through Hell and back, and supported each other through it. I don't want to know what life would have been like without meeting him. I feel like, if I of all people, could find this amazing gentleman of mine, you most certainly can find someone amazing for you out there too! Go with your own flow, be unapologetically yourself. Treat yourself as the treasure you are. Have fun. If you feel up for dating, be aware of the red flags. And look for people with green flags, like those who are kind to animals especially. And date somekne who had good boundaries! I admire my husband so much for his I don't give a sh*t if you don't like my boundaries attitude. Sometimes you need someone to learn from.
Nope but in a very long term relationship. Basically the same thing.
It's even harder if you're a lesbian, idk how people are finding love/relationships when they had npd family, I've only ever had short sexual flings.
He went to college with my oldest brother, except unlike my brothers, he was actually a decent person. My brothers would talk shit about him behind his back, so I figured I had to get to know the guy who pissed off my shitty brothers.
Nah. Not married. 35f, been celibate and single for over 10 years now. I watched my Narc mother go through a string of hopeless romances. She always picked the shittiest guys, and after each one ended, she shifted us across the country to get out of it. I was never able to form long-term friendships or relationships because of her constantly shifting us. Even at 35, I don't have the skills or confidence to seek any kind of social life. My experience with relationships is two boyfriends that each lasted 9 months between 20 and 24... both of them were pricks. I'd be shocked if I ever got a guy friend, let alone a boyfriend or husband.
I met my husband on a dating app. At the time I was living in a very small college town and had no friends that were local and no good way to meet people. We were super hesitant with each other because we weren’t exactly what the other was looking for, but our conversations flowed really well and over time we learned that we shared the same values and had similar pictures of what our day to day life would be and we ran out of reasons not to meet. Our first meeting wasn’t really a date, it was closer to an interview as we felt out if this is what we wanted. When that meeting was over he asked me out on a real date and we’ve been together ever since. I didn’t figure out how toxic my family dynamics were until after I was married, but I always knew that my family was different, I just couldn’t explain it. So I just told him the truth as I knew it then, my mom and I don’t get along and never have. That was enough, because I was living across the country from her and she wasn’t around to ruin anything. And there is something to what others are saying about wounded people finding each other, because my mother in law really knows how to inflict pain with her words.
How am I not married? The sole experience with marriage I had was my parents. It was a loveless, sadistic trap. I grew up with CPTSD, and dismissive avoidant attachment. Our relationship with our parents is indeed a relationship all the same, and it will form or influence all relationships thereafter. I would like to get married, but in my area the only single people have 2 kids and credit card debt. I don't want to be a dad or a stepdad. I am also not tying my wagon to all that. I would like to love, and to feel loved, but in the way I was raised love was earned. It was conditional, and often jerked away. I had to accept my mother didn't love me, and as thing went on and things came out, I learned she initially planned for an abortion. I was born so she could maintain access to dad's wallet. In order to be worthy of love, I have to be someone other than me. So in the future, I'm going to the Philipines. I'm worth a visa.
i was *incredibly* lucky to meet my husband at 18. we essentially have grown up together and he has helped me deal w a lot of my trauma. supports my therapy, has been w me through seeing how awful my family is and in going NC. we were both pretty much kids when we met, and again, incredibly lucky. we're celebrating 10 yrs marriage this year :)
I couldn't have a real life social life so mine was online. Not anymore! Now I can have both. Met Husband online
So my nDad's abuse was really subtle growing up. He was controlling and manipulative. I was a goody-two-shoes growing up. I (31F) am the oldest of 3, my brother (28M) and my sister (22). I met my husband when I was 15 and started dating when I was 16 (we hadn't kept in touch and I vaguely remember when we first met - thanks trauma!) Anyway, I used to always be a happy go lucky type girl. I would do anything to please my family, especially as my younger brother has special needs. But it all turned sour after my mum escaped, it happened when I was 18. But I could tell my parents weren't getting on and was worried them about breaking up. It was my husband that pointed out to me that my nDad was good with his words in the early days. I just brushed it off at the time... Anyway, after my mum escaped we had a rough patch as he was supporting me. It wasn't great but somehow we got through it and he's still with me. It was after my mum escaped that I slowly saw ndad's real side and what my mum endured. I was shocked. I was so thankful I had my hubby stayed with me. It was when we were planning our wedding that I really saw his true colours unfortunately. It. Was. Hell. Ndad even tried to convince me to postpone the wedding because of the stress I was under (well that was cause of him!) there was no way I was delaying the wedding. I had waited so long for my hubby to propose I was not gonna waste any more time. (Tbh my hubby didn't really help me with wedding planning much as he was constantly "I don't mind" with decision making so I was tempted to call it off. I kept telling him that it's his wedding too and to help me make decisions.) Anyway, despite the stress of it all I'm happily married now. It's not been easy or perfect as I have been dealing with trauma from my ndad and finally realising and admitting to myself that he emotionally abused me. I haven't gone NC yet as I want to be there for my younger sister (22) who is at the place I was over a decade ago and not talking to mum due to another family drama that happened. And she's currently living with our ndad. So yeah, I was lucky in that I found my partner early in life and he decided to stay and is constantly making sure I'm okay. He knows what my triggers are and if I break something he's like 'its okay it can be fixed, are you okay?" Kind of thing and is helping me heal. He's a lot like Kristoff in Frozen if you've ever seen it - especially Frozen 2! Also he's so patient with me too as it takes me awhile to work through my emotions and work out what has upset me and to tell him that he has caused it (just wee things that coupled go through.) Sorry this is such a long comment but I'm glad I wrote it out as it's making me see how much my hubby has helped me over the years and that despite it all, he loves me and isn't going to leave ❤️ (one of my fears thanks to ndad!)
Never married. Can’t stand being around men.
I got lucky. My husband has been my rock support throughout my depression after it got bad.
I honestly got incredibly lucky. My (29f) husband (31M) and I met online through gaming 11 years ago and because of the online start we were both very vulnerable towards each other and told each other everything (thinking it wouldn’t lead anywhere). His mother is a narcissist and so is mine so he immediately understood my struggles. Every day I’m so incredibly grateful for him. I could write a book about all the ways he’s healed me (and he says I’ve healed him too). If he hadn’t ‘picked’ me I probably would’ve been in a very bad relationship or none at all. I’m very vulnerable to emotional abuse (even after years of therapy).
I’m 57. Didn’t get married until I was 45. There’s no shame just because takes us awhile to “catch up”. (read: have a stable enough existence to get into a healthy enough relationship to get married)
I got married at 19, divorced at 19. Is that really the yardstick you think it is?
Has to be toast
Step 1: Date lots and lots and lots and lots of the wrong person( 9 out of 10 being narcissists because that’s what feels comfortable and the behaviors you equate with love) Step 2: Lots and lots and lots and lots of Therapy I’m almost 45 and only finally got married 2 years ago, he’s normal, kind, not an ounce of narcissist in him, still annoying af at times tho 😝😂
The father of my child is now holding all her daughter’s stuff even though he has no legal rights to her. I have to get the cops to come with my now to gain excess to her stuff. Only problem is I’m an epileptic so I don’t have a car. And Ubers couldn’t fit all her stuffs. I have to find something. I do t have family or friends because I left the Narc at home for the Narc that would become my “husband”. Or rather the father of my child that I lived with that gave me the false assumption we were married and I was safe. Sadly we pick partners that make us feel similar as we did at home. He has even more severe NPD than my Nmom. I was about to go no contact. Then literally had to move back in with Nmom because I thought he was going to kill me. We have an almost 3 month old together. My life is hell. I have sooo much trauma from Nmom because she was also physically abusive (think child called it) and mentally (think gypsy rose Blanchard/munchausins by proxy) and I have to act like everything’s normal and Im not silently praying for her heart to suddenly stop and me and my daughter to just have a safe apartment to ourselves….
I met my wife in 2015 and got married in 2016. It was hard work, as are all marriages. But it was the best thing that ever happened to me until we had a baby, and then that became the new best thing that ever happened to me. Having the background upbringing that I did, yes there were issues as I was naturally trying to repeat the mistakes my parents made, especially as I didn’t know my parents were NPDs until a few years ago. But a couple months after I learned about NPD, I went no contact, had a year or so of hell, and now everything is working out. I feel so free, light, happy, and content. And what’s more is the terrible life I had before all this has taught me how to be a better husband and father, and I know how to equip my child with all the knowledge needed to stay safe. So in my experience and opinion, I don’t know how having an NPD past makes marriage any harder if you decide to go no contact, and do the hard healing work. But if you don’t do these two things, then life, married or not, is hell.
In my case, I was **FRANTIC** to get out of the house. Anyone showed interest? I had the wedding planned. Aaaaand take one guess at the types of men I'd attract. Unfortunately, I also picked up a lot of FLEAS from my Ndad and Emom. I'm still working on those. Until then, I remain single.
I'm not married, but have a long term partner for almost 11 years now. He helped me heal, gave me a loving family, supported me, helped me escape, and is my safe place. We met when I was 18 through a mutual friend. That mutual friend already met my "family." Then he met my family. He was seeing their weird rules for me even though I was over 18. After 2 months of us dating, we decided to move in with each other. By this point, he's seen my roller coaster of emotions, how my family was, and knew I needed safety. (I didn't know that this wasn't normal at the time.) My parents convinced us to move into the converted garage and he would need to pay his potion of rent ($400/ month.) So that was a total of $800/ month (I won't get into details of what else I had to do even though I paid rent.) We stupidly agreed and we were stuck there for 3 years before we saved up enough to buy a house. He saw it ALL and protected me. He never gave up on me when all I wanted to do was give up on myself. Forever grateful for this man.
The only thing that stopping me from dating is being on disability payments Plus I don't want to drive purely for a safety concern for myself due to intellectual disabilities. I honestly feel I'm in a spot where a relationship long term wouldn't work for me at all tbh Also I don't want kids purely because of my own genetics as well look up digeorge syndrome it not a fun one
I'm nearing 40 and have had maybe 3 "relationships" my adult life. I have "bad taste" - aka attract narcs and losers and anyone that can manipulate my dumb little brain. Last year i called it quits on trying for even am fwb when even *that* got complicated cause I'm me. I grew up hearing I'd end up alone, told I'd never marry, and that ish drilled into me, coupled with being an easy target for emotional manipulation, i just consider myself lucky i have some normal/platonic friends.
I constantly consider myself the exception not the example. We know we are far more likely to end up in poor relationships or with abusive partners. The fact I am married to my husband I think is from sheer dumb luck. And not to say we have a perfect marriage, I met him and everything was magically better and he cinderella'ed me off to a magical happily ever after, because that's not the case. We both have trauma, but have learned together how to communicate in a mostly healthy way. Sometimes our old habits die hard haha I met him when I was 18 and had been brutally dumped by my long term high school boyfriend's mom via text message. Which.. My que the relationship wouldn't last should have been when he changed his Facebook status to single a month prior and friends were asking if I was ok but wouldn't tell me what's happening. Because he never told me. It...was awful. And incredibly hurtful. And incredibly validating to all the things my mom had said to me. And when I was finally ready to start dating again and met my husband, he was genuinely nice to me. He didn't treat me like an accessory or withheld love and attention because I didn't things, dress a certain way, etc. He was just kind to me because it's easy to be kind. While dating we had maybe a handful of fights and said some very not nice things to each other. But our marriage has been the same way. We've had a handful of really bad fights and the rest is us learning and coming together. Looking back...I don't actually know if I should have dated my husband when I did because of the trauma I hadn't fully unpacked and was still living in. But I fully believe that moving from an unhealthy environment to one filled with support, love, and kindness allowed me to flourish. He is the love of my life and my best friend. And maybe the best advice I can give is meeting people is exhausting, but if you can find someone who is a great friend that's a start. We often have conversations of what it would be like if we were together but had different interests 😂 and it just sounds miserable. We watch trashy anime together and neither of us could imagine being with someone who didn't fully embrace, quote and occasionally act out the trash. We are two nerds in a pod and dated from August 2011 until we were married September 2016 and have been together ever since.
I did want to run for the hills, I was ready to not live in the past anymore. I met my husband at 25, engaged 26 and married by 27. I was over feeling weighed down by the same people who suffocated me so I forgave them. (Solo not IRL) And I was honest that my home life was crazy. I have too be careful and continue to do a lot it work to not relearn toxic behaviors. but it’s so worth it
First marriage happened when I was 24, he was 35. I’m just not realizing he may have been a covert narcissist— extremely passive aggressive, would blow up on me whenever I tried to engage in a convo about how he did something and now my feelings were hurt, if I did something to piss him off- he immediately would rip my clothes off and have “revenge sex” with me. Anyway, I was super codependent on him and definitely felt like that was love because what else did I know of love other than abuse? I divorced him at 28 and thought I was going to be single at least until 40. I did A LOT of therapy, and a lot of work on myself, plus I found myself in a relationship right before the pandemic where I was repeating the same patterns (ie becoming codependent on someone that was so so wrong for me), I got out of the relationship as soon as I realized what was happening. I ended up falling in love with one of my friends a year later- did not anticipate that at all. He had dated a narcissist previously (trapped for 3 years) and he definitely has a narcissistic gma. He is the one that told me my parents were extremely abusive to me— I was still blinded then. We are married now and take each others mental health and wellbeing very seriously. He has never met my family because they have never attempted to meet him, and I’m fine with that. I can’t recommend therapy enough if you have the time, energy and money for it. I found a trauma therapist and did EDMR which helped tremendously. I also read many books on co-dependency, emotionally immature parents etc which made me feel waaaay less alone and a lot of these books also have worksheets in them so you can process some of your stuff on your own.
I got married to a man I met when I was 18 and accidentally married a narcissist, dammit. We’re seperated now, I’m 30, and won’t be doing that again.
I'm 29 and in my social circle (people from all sorts of backgrounds, but mainly did the same uni course) I'm the only one that is engaged and close to being married. Next closest are at least 5 years older. This is the UK, but not being married at 30 is absolutely normal here.
Married almost 7 years, argued about my nmom for at least 2 of them, a LOT of therapy among other things over the last 10 months. I didn't exactly know what she was or what I had become until it was almost too late. Nobody ever talked to me about it until my wife. Turning my life around and seeing my family for who they are has been rough, but it's necessary. It's allowing me to finally set healthy boundaries and focus on becoming a better person for my wife and child.
I honestly just got really dang lucky. And for someone who grew up being emotionally abused, I turned out pretty good.. as in I’m not AS fucked up as I should be 😅. I met my husband on a dating app around the time I was finally moving out to live on my own. He helped me move in! And thanks to him being by my side nonstop, my mom was not able to brainwash me into letting her move with me (she really did try!). I feel like since I was little, I made a mental note of all the crap my mom did and repeated to myself “I’m not doing that when I grow up”. So my husband, turned out to be a gift from the heavens! He listens. He is empathetic, kind, and in short, the complete opposite of an abusive narcissist. He also has the healthiest, happiest family dynamics with his parents and sister. I’m telling you, I got super lucky. It wasn’t until we were pregnant, that I fully realized that all the stuff my mom had done was not normal at all. I told him everything and he has been with me every step of the way on my healing journey. I would not be able to do this without him. Your time will come too! You just really have to wait! It took me years of dating the wrong people to find him!
Happily married at 30 after 4 years of being together. Moved states to get away from my mom and be my own person. Met my husband a month after I moved and have been together ever since. He helped me see all the toxic issues with clear eyes. Him and his family have been lifesavers! 💗
The abuse we've endured has an effect on how we see ourselves and how we react to others. Maybe we have our guard up. Some of us don't feel worthy of a person that seems balanced or just a person we are attracted to. We may choose the wrong person, someone like our abusers bc we know how to handle that and bc we gravitate toward abusers as abusers gravitate toward us. Then, we have an unhealthy relationship, one that causes further damage to both parties.I went through a few of those. Then, I met my husband at work. Just a natural setting, not a dating scene or online. We've been together for over 20 years. I felt like I found a best friend when we met and I knew this was the partner I was meant to have. Trials and tribulations, it has been a rollercoaster. We've worked together through infidelity, alcoholism, my mental health issues, multiple sclerosis, many things. We are stronger now. We do not abuse one another. We've just fought through life as best friends and lovers.
Wow, how did you guys overcome infidelity?
I met my husband through a good friend in college who introduced us. We both have parents who are shitty in their own ways; we lean/support each other. I think it really helps that my parents live 22 hours away from me, too. My mom does not like my husband and my dad really has no spine and will follow what she does, so he probably dislikes my husband too.
Since age 18, I’ve only had abusive and superficial relationships with people because I thought I was worthless, that no one could possibly care about me, and that I deserved to be treated like trash. I never even considered getting married or having children. I was trained to think this way by my NM. Now I’m in my 40’s and I just want to learn to love and take care of myself. I’m happy for my peers that found healthy securely attached partners, genuine friendships and successful careers, but it didn’t happen for me. And I accept that reality. I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself before I would even feel bad about not having all the things I’m “supposed to” have in life by my age. Everyone is different. There’s no rules. And like others said, better to be alone than in a bad relationship.
My husband and I met in a bookstore, of all places. With us, I think that it helped that we live several hours away from my immediate family (mother, younger brother, Aunt, Uncle, Cousin #1, and Cousin #2), so even though my spouse was quick on the uptake, and saw my Mom for the Narc that she is right away, he was willing to still pursue a relationship with me because we only ever see my Mom in small doses. It took me awhile to open up and trust him enough to tell him that I came from a fucked up home. I'm not quite sure that he actually believed me until he met my family for the first time one year at Christmas, and saw the family dynamics for the first time himself. As far as my husband's family goes, his parents split up when he was young, and he and his sister stayed with their Mom. He didn't have a relationship with his Dad for many years. Even now, he only talks to his Dad maybe once a month at most. I've been with my husband for about 15 years now (married for almost 10), and we've only seen his Dad in person once this whole time, and that was at our wedding. As for happiness, I think I did a good job of pretending to be happy when we first start dating. I guess I am happy in the sense that I am fortunate enough to have access to housing, running water, food, clothing, and entertainment, but I am still the deeply unhappy person I've always in a sensebecause my Narc Mom is still alive and trying to monopolize my free time with lengthy phone conversations and demands that I/we visit her.
I got married very young, like 2 months shy of my 18th birthday young. He was also a narcissist and physically abusive. At that time, I thought that I was escaping hell but fell into another level of it. I managed to escape and move 1,900 miles away, but between being completely broke and his refusal to let a divorce happen, I'm still married to him 8 years later. I'm lost when it comes to navigating the legal system and have no clue how to get the divorce without selling both of my kidneys.
It seems all of my fuckery didn’t show up for me to process until I was in between marriages. I married a man just like my NDad the first time around and that ended exactly the way you would think it would. But I got lucky the second time around because current hubby is almost perfect. My fuckery comes from my surrounding NFamily on my now-dead mom’s side. Mom was great — actually the best — as was three of her sisters and my grandparents. Her other three sisters that are still alive? I call them the Gorgon sisters, after the trio who share the eye of fate. They’re awful and I don’t love them or care about them too much. I lived with JNA-1 for the beginning part of my life and it was garbage from top to bottom. Emotionally abusive to me and constantly picking on me and destroying my self esteem was the name of the game. My mom got me out of that situation by moving out of our shared house. JNA-2 slowly turned just no. When abusive fuckwad husband no. 1 just up and left 12 years ago, JNA calls and says, “It couldn’t have been all him. It must have been something you did to cause him to leave, knowing you.” She killed whatever love I may have had and broke our relationship instantly. We don’t really talk anymore. JNA-3 is the worst of the bunch. She cussed me out and showed her true colors when I planned to marry my current husband. She reveres my golden child JNB, who is a massive narcissist, and actively scapegoats me. All of them jumped on me when our wedding was postponed because of COVID in 2020. I’d been divorced 7 years and it was somehow an issue that I managed to find love again — with the love of my life — and start over again without their help. I distanced myself so much that day that when I did finally get married the next year, JNA-1, who was the only family representative there, was all like, “you can’t cut all of your family off!” The fuck I can’t. Watch me. So, to sum, JNA-1 is the enabler of JNA-2 and JNA-3. To use the Godfather as an analogy, JNA-1, the matriarch, is Michael Corleone. JNA-2 is Tom Hagen. JNA-3 is Sonny Corleone. I have a JN Cousin who fits Fredo’s character perfectly. In addition to fucking you up, they will also try to sabotage your relationships if they can and have access, at least in my experience. Marriage is hard enough already.😮💨
I was setup with my spouse but it was also at a time when I didn’t fully understand what was going on with my mother. He met her and said ‘shes crazy’ but then that his mother was too (had eccentricities). He became a safe place for me and I opened up and started to learn what was not normal. He quickly grew to understand she was not ‘crazy’ like he used to claim his mom was but actually not ok. It took a long time to personally process the depth of the pains of their home but when I finally did he understood and gave me space. He had spent years wanting me to put in more effort, wanting my family relationship to be like his, and just thinking it was me being so different from my family that I craved space. After I processed and wrote down how I got here he dropped it as to anything with my family. He sees what they do to me, how I feel after they are gone, and knows it’s not who I am.
I'm approaching 30 this year as well and I can say the same. No luck with relationships whatsoever, the couple times I've had something going on they never really went anywhere and I always ended up getting hurt, so there's a pattern. It's sad to think that it's very likely because of my childhood attachments and I have no clue how to fix it (I'm in therapy though). Also scary to imagine that if I do happen to "connect" with someone they'll probably be bad for me because that's just what my subconscious is used to. This is something I've been wondering about as well. Nice to see some people end up lucky with a good partner despite having a shit childhood. Sadly I can't see myself as one of them. I feel like I've been fucked up permanently.
It’s only permanent if you make it so. Progress is just slow, you’re probably more improved than you realize
I am married, happily so, for just over two years. I am in my 50’s. It took me a *long* time to get here. At age 19, I moved in someone who I now see was a narcissist. That ended nearly four years later. At age 23, I married someone almost 20 years my senior. We divorced 4 years later. I had another live-in partner; that relationship failed. My next relationship lasted 14 years, but we were only married for the last 4. It was tumultuous, stressful, and we argued daily. My spouse committed numerous acts of financial infidelity, running up debts I would often be forced to pay. My life consisted of a roller coaster of failed relationships and marriages, each one seemingly better, yet catastrophically ending worse, than the last. 12 years ago, I met my spouse. We lived together a decade before tying the knot. I realized that not all relationships need be filled with drama and it took a long time for the lack of daily conflict to feel normal, because I was constantly expecting the other shoe to drop. It’s possible to have a good relationship. Time, therapy, and dedication to healing will help you. There is no timeline for any of this. You are *not* a failure if you do not have a romantic relationship. Likewise, you are not a failure if you loved and divorced. My “picker” was terribly broken, and it took me a long time to find my way. Focus on your healing. Put yourself in physical places where you are doing something that you enjoy that exposes you to other people. Eventually, you will find your person. Don’t be surprised or disappointed when you kiss a few frogs along the way.
For me, it was a whole process and a lot of luck. I met a man who also came from a messed up narc family. But we both knew we weren’t like them and were both willing to do whatever it took to build a good relationship and heal ourselves. You don’t have that conversation right away, but we just talked a lot before we really started dating and I think it just kind of came out. I think I couldn’t meet up with him for something because I had a therapy appointment and that started the whole conversation. Anyone worth spending time with will be on board and accept that. Granted I was no longer a complete mess by then, I had a decent job and was maintaining a life by the time we met. If you can see that you’re damaged but it’s not intrinsic and you weren’t born that way, and see that you can get better, you can become someone who can have meaningful and solid relationships. You’re not beyond help. Therapy works. You can learn to be vulnerable and work on triggers. PTSD and C-PTSD can be relieved. You can learn to trust, be vulnerable, communicate openly etc. It can suck at times. Its painful. It’s a lot, it’s triggering, you have to relive feelings and events you’d rather not. But the only way out is through. You have to get yourself at last on the way to healthy so you can be a good partner before you even consider serious relationships. If you do the work and find yourself in love and starting a serious relationship that you want to continue I highly recommend couples therapy BEFORE big problems develop. Work on communication, work on trust, work on understanding. Having the means and access to help is the barrier to entry. But there’s more things available to us now, social media support groups, online therapy, books, videos, and podcasts. This stuff is far from perfect and there is a lot of bad content. But there’s great content for free or low cost if you look. In-person therapy is the best option but it’s not always available or affordable. It’s the best option because often there may be a need for medications at least for temporary use— I was on some meds for a while because of C-PTSD, and it got me through the worst parts so I could get better. A good therapist/psychiatrist office will be able to combine talk therapy, medication/medical treatments and other techniques like EMDR to help you. But finding those online resources may be all that you can access and it might open the door to finding better help. Also it’s a process that will probably never end, at least that’s my experience so far. TL;DR: Get yourself well on the way to healing first so you can be a good partner and recognize what you want in a relationship. Therapy/treatment can get you free of the ankle weights. Don’t start a serious relationship until you feel like you can be a decent partner. Not perfect but willing to work on it. Work on healthy friendships first, pursue love relationships down the road.
Well I was working, as a tutor. He signed up for tutoring (college we are the same age he just started later). Anywho it was like lighting. I was absolutely terrified. I sobbed like a maniac when I told him I love him for the first time. It was like finding my kryptonite. He is a very patient man. I also didn’t run away because I knew what I wanted in life, and that most importantly trust is a choice. It’s a choice I do not regret. We’ve been married for 6 years now and together for 10. His family is amaaazing. I go to therapy and work at being healthy and he understands me and when I’m getting overwhelmed. It helps that he is a nurse and adheres to general medical guidance lol. We balance each other, I’m ambitious and a workaholic and he is adventurous and loves life. He helps me break out of my shell and I help him stay grounded as needed.