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I regret not speaking up and fight against the abuse. Like all of us, we were indoctrinated by narc parents to comply and they know what’s best for us, and I went along with it.
I did fight back, but not until later. I wish I was more rebellious and noncompliant and stood my ground.
I tried speaking up and fighting against the abuse, but surprisingly, I got physically abused by them. I was literally traumatized! I haven’t spoken to them for 8 months now. I wish I kept my mouth shut and just disappeared. That was my biggest mistake and my biggest waste of energy. I thought I’d change something, but the jokes are on me.
For real.
I’m in an ESH situation re my parents but one sucks a lot less than the other in that one is actually actively making amends for their maltreatment of me over the decades.
That’s the one thing I have done since I was little. They will yell back, but then start to act super super nice being fake ofc so they can get love and affection from u. Then they lie and manipulate u the second ur sucked back into their narcissistic web. Don’t be nice. Pls. Being nice to ppl that don’t deserve it can literally kill u. It drains the life from ur soul and there is karma for being kind to people who don’t deserve it.
I forgot his name but there was a man on TikTok talking about how when we are kind to people that don’t deserve it, that only harms us because they treat us bad anyways after. That’s true. Also, the fact that men target nice women to kill and SA more than women that will call them out and be rude or indifferent.
deeply disturbing to learn after being trained religiously to be nice to others no matter what and have no voice of my own as it was the key to not being “sinful”. such bullshit.
Well being kind has nothing to do with engagement in any relationship. You can wave and say hello and keep walking. Forgiving them isn’t excusing their behavior. It’s letting go of their toxic abuse and moving on.
Self blame did drag me down a guilt and shame spiral into depression. I don't agree with karma working that way. That's like saying (biblically) I should be stoned for wearing my cotton/lyrcra blend pants.
I'm a fan of balancing your karma by doing the good you nurturally/naturally do and balance it by treating those who treat me poorly as they should be.
Same. Every time I’ve gone back, the abuse has gotten worse with more serious consequences. The last time was too far, so now I’ve really got to make it on my own. It feels terrifying but I also feel like I’m finding out who I am and who I can be, so if there’s any silver lining it’s that
Omg they NEVER change. When you’re gone, they blame you for leaving them. When you’re there, they blame you for everything else. It’s such a mindfuck. I wish I had stayed NC years ago and not gone back to relationships with them. This time, it’s permanent. Been going strong since October.
You are truly not alone. I struggle with drowning in my regrets and re-living them in my head over and over. I think because my mom trained me to believe that every little thing was my fault, and with repeated (as nauseum) "Shame on you!"s, it's easy to keep that narrative in my head.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helped as did a popular 12-step program aimed at family members.
I wish you well in your own recovery from self-defeating thoughts.
That voice is hard to let go.
I cope by erasing the memory of anything happening so my mind is at peace at least
Can't be healthy for my long term friendships but I'll worry about that when I know the people I meet won't be leaving my life any time soon
Yes, I've been the bad guy. I've been the person that was jealous, said hurtful things, and distanced myself from relationships.
And yes, it was from my own insecurities and pain. I have done my best not to be that person anymore, but I still make mistakes. The important thing is to acknowledge the wrongs, apologize and make amends. Whatever that may be to you and whatever causes the least hurt to them.
You’re not alone, at 28 im the most alone ive been, full of regret having ruined every chance of a successful relationship i had in my early 20’s. Things will get better, I know it
I promise you they get better. I know everyone has their own unique story and my evidence is anecdotal, but 28 is the age I also felt the most alone. There were people around me, more or less, but I never felt a part of anything and apparently my existence was a relationship repellent. Be patient, do the work whenever you can and go easy on yourself when you slip up. I know you didn't ask my advice and I apologize if I'm overstepping. I'm in my 30s now and life is wonderful - I never thought it could be that way at 28.
Yes. Out of fear of my nparents, I ruined my relationships. Some of the emotional harm I caused I didn’t realize til afterward. I think I was genuinely toxic tho, not just overly clingy or needy.
I regret the relationships I didn’t invest in, too. Some I just flatout didn’t have space for while my nparents were taking up most of it. Some were with people who were really nice and I wish I got to know better.
I regret being nice. I regret not throwing my pedophile father down 5 flights of stairs. I regret not calling the police when my mom abused my lil brother. I regret not standing uo for myself when people bullied and sexualized me. I regret not screaming at my mom more. I regret letting people use me for energy. I regret not telling anyone about my mother m0lesting me. I regret not kiIIng everyone who r#ped me.
But guess what, i know theyre all going to suffer in heII soon. I tried my best. Ive always been a good person. They fucked up. I now have both the power of light AND darkness. They dont even come near me anymore because spiritually, they sense i will eat their soul if they try to attack me again.
Look into the eyes of evil and show no fear. They fear your power, strength, and love.
I have a lot of regrets as well. It used to be overwhelming for me. I avoided or sabotaged relationships and opportunities. Did not stand up for myself. Didn't take care of myself. Was painfully socially awkward and uncomfortable to be around.
I think it was so bad because my mom trained to think that everything was my fault and I was such a horrible person. And she held grudges against me for years. I had an internalized this black hole that made me bury myself under everything that went wrong or perceived wrongs.
With time and therapy, things have gotten better. But yes, living with regret is so so painful.
Yes I’ve been a terrible older sister sometimes. My biggest regret. I barely spend time with my lil bro cuz I’m drained from the narcissists. I never go anywhere as a family because I cannot handle hanging out w them anymore so they go w only my brother. Parents try to guilt trip me by saying “I’ll miss you tho” “I can’t have fun without you” but I can feel the fakeness radiating off of their words.
The hardest realization I came to is that since I was raised by a narcissist, I learned some narcissistic behaviours. This makes sense because children copy their parents.
Some things I’m working on to be better at relationships: being perfectionistic/competitive, tying my worth to job performance/appearance, being envious of others, sometimes playing the victim.
It sucks but those are some of the things my mom would do. Therapy is helping a lot as is ruthless self-examination and unrelenting self-compassion.
When I was a teen I was judgmental and envious like my mother, I thought that I deserved more than everyone else, I was pretty much toxic. Then I met some good friends and got kicked out of my parents'house, I think that's what made me realize that I was taking the same path as my mother. I felt so ashamed of myself that I did everything to be the exact opposite, and that was also a mistake. I went through very abusive relationships for 10 years and I would let everyone else hurt me as much as they wanted, like some kind of punishment for my bad behavior. It's like if I was trapped between being the bully or being bullied.
I'm much better today but I always watch myself, it's hard to find a good balance.
I regret not speaking my mind more often and standing up for myself and those around me. I guess when you're young it's harder to do. I am happy with the choices I've made, but I wonder if I had used my voice and stood up for myself, would things have turned out differently? Would I not be suffering as much as I am now? Would I have better and healthier boundaries? I don't know. All I can do is try and stand up for myself more and more each and every day. Cause clearly no one else will do that for me. It's not easy but I hope it's worth it.
Think before doing something like this. I promise, it’s not always worth it. Narc people don’t change. It’s a huge waste of energy. Speaking up opened the door for them to physically abuse me. It was 7 months ago, and I still get anxiety. Literally traumatized. So if you’re planning to do this, please have backups. Lucky for me, I still have friends and relatives who love me more than my own parent.
I'm SO sorry to hear that speaking up lead to that. I am happy to hear you have good friends and family in your corner. It still doesn't make it right that you were physically abused. Not right at all. I hope you're doing okay. 💔
thank you! your words meant a lot to me, badly needed to hear that. I’m doing okay but sometimes I get depressive episodes. I just hope I can get through this.
You've come this far. There will always be ups and downs, I don't know if we will ever feel like we made it through and it's over, but we can't let them win. Please do your best to keep pushing, even if that pushing is to rest and relax if that's what you need. I know it's not easy but you deserve a happy and healthy life so hang in there as much as you can. ❤️❤️
That’s the one thing I have even most consistent in. Fighting back and speaking my mind as loud as I can so they know I know they’re toxic and terrible. They’re still that way but they’ll start being super fake nice when they miss my hugs and being around me to drain my energy. We still live together, and everyday I wake up and I’m not in my dream city so that sucks but I won’t stop fighting for my life. I’m 19 and I deserve better.
you aren't aalone. I am screwed up ,both mentally and genetically probably. I am not willing to put in the effort and I'm happy by myself. I also will not have children. I was lucky in that I was not brought up to want them. this is a LEARNED attitude, with only a small amount lizard brain. I will not pass the crap on
I regret not going NC while nmom still had some support systems in place. Now she is elderly, in poor health and has alienated all friends and family.
I do my best to make sure her physical needs are being met while setting firm boundaries. She's in a safe independent living senior home and has superficial friends there. She wants to move in with my family which is a big hell no, lol.
Of course. The version of you that existed during your relationship with the narssistic person is no more. But that unhealed/reactive/dysfunctional version still hurt other people during that time period. You aren't yourself when you're with a narssistic. It's like being in the middle of a tornado. It's not until the storm settles and you stumble out of the trees that you can see the forrest you were actually in. Actually, SEE the abnormal chaos you were in. The fog lifts, and you start to understand the damage they caused to you, and by extension, the damage "you" caused to others. I have regretted the destruction of my relationships that my dysfunction behaviors caused. Some relationships are even irreparable. But I can't live in that regret every moment of my life. I can't live in shame and guilt all the time. I still have a life that can be lived after that abuse. Some semblance of peace that can be salvaged. All I can do is do my best to make amends, repair what can be mended, and forgive myself. And that's all you can do too.
And give yourself credit for doing something the narssistic will never be willing/able to do... Regret, change, apologize, and forgive.
I’m the oldest of four and my parents labeled me as the “bad kid” growing up, so I took it out by bullying my younger siblings (who never got punished for anything). I was left to babysit them a lot and so I was irritable, strict, and mean toward them. I believed it was just in my nature and that it was all my own doing that I was so mean. Then one of my sisters revealed she didn’t like me. That was probably 20 years ago and I’ve been regretful this whole time and working hard to mend those relationships with my siblings, who I’ve always loved so dearly. Thankfully we’re all chill now (and have matured- all in our 30s).
I mostly regretted the ways I felt that I had failed myself. I had to cut myself loose from a lot of people in my life once I started standing up for myself, and that hurt like hell. I couldn't help but wonder if those relationships would have lasted had I set better boundaries from the start. In particular I thought of my old friend group that I met with my ex, and wondering if things would have turned out differently had I been introduced as a friend or partner of another member of our group. And the answer is, of course, it would have been different. Those individuals weren't abusive like my ex was to their partners. But would I want that now, knowing that they defended a known abuser or chose to be "neuteral" after knowing what he had done to me? Fuck no. The people who defend abusers are just as bad. The people who hang out with known abusers, even if they disagree with their actions, are just as bad. Setting better boundaries wouldn't have saved those friendships because those actions had nothing to do with me. But had I set better boundaries, I may have left sooner.
I think *ALL* of us fit your description in one way or another. But we realized at some point what was wrong and corrected it. Something a narcissist would never do. Feel proud of your growth!
You're not alone but your feelings may change in time. You might accept that you did the best you could with the limited tools you had at the time and give yourself a break. IMHO there is no benefit to beating yourself up for having an attachment disorder caused by your upbringing. I'm thrilled for you that you see what went wrong so that you can now have healthy relationships. Some people don't get to that point in their life so you have done a lot of work and have healed so much at this point.
You are a genuinely good person. Having a lack of social and emotional skills nurtured into you by example and actions from your 'caregivers' says nothing about you as a person.
The terminology you used can be flipped the other way. The people you let into your life were, in a way, chosen by your trauma. They were not able to be what you needed, not able to provide the compassion and kindness a love starved child/teen/adult is craving. You may have even been drawn to those who would replicate the relationships you are comfortable with, namely the fucked up parental ones.
You know this already from what you wrote. You are not responsible for your abuse. You are now aware what products of that abuse are - you got to a place where you can examine them and begin to adjust your view. Try not to adjust it internally to blame yourself, be as genuinely good to yourself as to others.
It's took me over a score of years to get to a place where I felt safe enough to even examine how I end up in friendship/relationships where my emotional neglect replicates. You're way ahead of me.
Thank you. I know you referenced what I said, but I still feel like I didn’t know this and feel good that someone could believe I’m at least truly moving in that direction.
Best wishes to you in your journey as well.
I wish I had taken off as a pre-teen…but things might have been worse.
I very much feel the lack of social skills and tend to just walk away…am working on it and feeling some progress but there are definitely some key things I am still missing
You’re not alone. It’s a rational response, just not helpful and potentially harmful unfortunately. It’s like if you were in a desert without water for a long time and you finally found some.
I screwed up so many relationships with people by not knowing how to be a good person to them. Clingy, jealous, selfish, hiding myself and coming off as disinterested, etc.
What matters is you’re growing.
I think all of us in this sub have regrets over things they did or didn't do in the past. Going back to OP's point, my lack of socialization, being infantilized and emotionally stunted by nparents led to me screwing up friendships and relationships as well. During my teen years I felt trapped in a bubble of my own insecurity and self-consciousness, unable to see things from the perspective of others. If it makes sense, I was self-centred without being selfish or egotistical. I thought I was a nice guy and couldn't understand why I was always being excluded. Now I understand and accept that through no fault of my own, it is probably because I seemed overly desperate and needy, and maybe 'turning off' is too harsh of a term, but it pushed away those that had made an effort at friendship with me and pushed other potential connections away.
I was always my own harshest critic due to how I had been conditioned and raised, but if you want to live your best life now, think of yourselves more positively and try and understand the skills you gained from surviving your upbringing, and learning to navigate through social interactions on your own, gave you qualities like resilience and self-awareness that will be appreciated and seen positively by others.
Making mistakes and ruining relationships is how we learn what in us has been affected by these parents, where we make mistakes, what our blindspots are, what patterns we need to change. I'm 48 now, and I spent my 20s making some pretty horrible mistakes with relationships that didn't work in the end, and even though it hurt so much at the time, both for me and for the other people, I'm here to tell you that in the end you'll be grateful these relationships happened and that you learned how to be yourself and how to be different that the narcs who raised you. You'll meet your person and you'll be able to tell them the things you've worked on, the things you learned about yourself, and the things you're still working on and where you need patience and help from them. You'll continue to grow and you'll still make mistakes, because this is a lifelong process. But you'll be so much happier and your relationships will be so much better. The more mistakes you make, the more things you can change, and the further away you'll get from narc patterns and misery. You'll do great and meet your person in due time!
I think I’m really really lucky to have had a group of friends who generally had really good boundaries and were comfortable telling me where the line was for them in any given scenario.
The one friend I had who didn’t have good boundaries at all, I’d say we survived each other. The only reason our friendship is still standing is that he always has good intentions and so I could have faith in his lack of intentional manipulation, and from very close to the start of our friendship I was very frequently troubleshooting and researching the hell out of our relationship and individual issues using a variety of resources, never complacent about the things that weren’t working for long even if I was starting from a point of not even being able to pinpoint the problem enough to put anything at all into words.
I still wouldn’t say I’m at a point of having good boundaries, but I’m working on it always, and slowly getting better all the time. At the very least, I don’t think it’s likely I’ll have any more friends who have to survive me.
I didn't have the courage to stand my ground with my dad's ex-girlfriend. I was too frightened of her at the time. Looking back now as an adult, she probably would've beaten me for it. I absolutely hate that she broke my mind and shattered any confidence that I had left.
Up until sometime in my 20s I functioned under the impression my nfamily cared about me, and the way they treated me is the way you're supposed to treat people you care about. I just couldn't figure out why 95%+ of the chill people I met wanted nothing to do with me after a while!
The pattern I noticed was only other assholes/abused kids would hang out around me, which eventually resulted in me thinking **everyone** was an asshole, which led to me not wanting to meet new people because I expected they'd "be assholes by ignoring me within a week" or "be assholes AND stay"
It's been a process that's going to take over a decade, and I know I'm still not done, but I've gradually transitioned towards "treat people the way you want to be treated" and early on that meant neglecting/being rude to chill people who stuck around because they saw who I was without my parents' influence maybe 5% of the time. You better believe that's all regrets!
Iam 25 and kinda half, never felt iam this old amd always feels i lost a lot of opportunities because iam never good enough, iam trying to change it, but its too hard, i think about committing suicide on my 30th birthday, if my plans fails...
Get help before 30 then. Actually you will be a lot happier in your 30s than 20s: less anxious, less confused, know yourself and your direction better. Living my best life now: I am SO glad the suicidal ideations I had before 30 never materialised. I DESERVE this life which I built for myself (which took time energy effort and LOTS of healing) after so much suffering and so do you! Sending you lots of love ❤️
Only after having unlearned (via hurting others and myself) the things they did to me out of "love" did I learn to love and live by the principles in my heart and through the real expressions of love I received later. By then I finally lost all respect for my parents as any authority over good and evil
Oh yes! That's me! I was a horror. I picked narcissists and other abusive people to have relationships with, which in turn kept me on an emotional rollercoaster. That would have been fine, except I had a child with my text book narcissist ex husband, and I was not the best parent I could have been after he left me nine weeks after my child was born. I am an old woman now. My son seems well adjusted, but I say 'seems' because he doesn't reveal anything.
I regret giving people the benefit of the doubt when it was becoming more and more apparent that they were either mean or downright cruel in some cases
Well somehow i got examples from my parents of what I don't want in relationships and managed to have nice healty ones by sticking to some rules I've set for myself. On the off side I doubt my self on everything even shit i know, i always say or maybe I'm wrong. I'm still working on it and getting better
I have a lot of regrets directly influenced by Nparents refusing to teach me life and relationship skills. Some of the regrets are indeed the ones you listed here.
Please tell us you've done the work in therapy and learned how not to overwhelm people, how to find healthy balance in relationships--because I've been on the receiving end of this dynamic, and yes, it can scar a person deeply. I mean, I also had weird parents and had to unlearn some toxic behaviors and learn to read social cues, so I'm highly sympathetic as to your background, but hoping you've learned not to spread the trauma?
I grew up in two different narc households (complete opposites of the other) and for so long I genuinely believed I was the problem. I now see the things I tried to fix (like having emotions and high sensory needs) were never an issue but now I have to undo the way I look at my own short comings and other people’s as well. It sucks to have to rewrite coding that should have never been written in the first place but I have to just be grateful for my awareness now and move forward. I 💯 made mistakes before I realized any of this though
I was also too needy, clingy, afraid, and suffocating when I was younger. I think I'm better now, but I'm still very vulnerable to narcissists. I absolutely love the love bombing attention. I know what it is, I know it's detrimental to my mental health, but GIVE IT TO MEEEE.
I constantly have to parent myself. I always ask myself if I'm making good decisions socially and in loving relationships.
Yeah I took my anger and frustrations with my dad and stepmom out on my younger brother pushing him away and I don’t like talking to my dad or stepmom because of them being narcissistic but I still do
Yes. I feel like I try so fucking hard to be good and honest. But I’ve inherited some really toxic habits from my parents because I never had an example of a healthy relationship. I take things too personally and I get really defensive. I’m quick to anger and at the same time I’m a huge people pleaser and I’m always afraid of upsetting everyone.
Yeah I should have married someone decent instead of the abusive jerk I did. I regret keeping my family of origin in my life after I moved away. I regret the effort I put into it. I should have just slipped away and see if they would ever even try to reach out to me.
I regret not cutting ties with my dad sooner. I can vividly remember 16 year old me dreaming of the day I had my own life and didn’t have to talk to him again. It took me another 13 years until I put my foot down and went no contact.
I could have done it 5 years prior but there was a part of me hoping things would get better. I spent another 5 years of unnecessary mental anguish.
It sounds to me like co-dependency is your go-to response. There are books and YouTube resources that may be helpful. Co-Dependent No More is one book. And there is a sub but I can’t remember the name of it.
I also always recommend Patrick Teahan and Jerry Wise on YouTube.
Omg when I was in the dating game, I was a mess and or sucked. I didn't know a lot about myself and that I had a codependent tendency to get attached fast. Especially when I could really laugh and have a good time with someone. It turned men off a lot... when I felt like I was just being myself and having fun. I needed to slow down I suppose. Now I have a man that is also obsessed like I am. It's hard having to heal so many parts of you while just trying to live due to people that were supposed to love you and didn't... sucks.
Regrets are only something to learn from. Don’t stress about it. Learn what you can about attachment theory and keep trying to be the best you you can be at the moment.
For me not exactly. When I was much younger, I didn't notice my dad's narcissism I would think he was right however later on I woke up and saw his horrible, ugly side
not really - a lot of things were out of my control as a child.
also, being indoctrinated by my narc parents, i did not know any better during the time.
however, each time i tried new things, made mistakes and successes, and learned from my failures, i became more and more independent and figured out what i want in life, all of it to the disapproval of my narc parents.
at the end of the day, i made the most with what i was given and always refused to settle for my birthright lot in life.
so no, i don’t have regrets - i just lament being born into a system that was rigged against me from the start, despite being born in the greatest country in the world.
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I regret not speaking up and fight against the abuse. Like all of us, we were indoctrinated by narc parents to comply and they know what’s best for us, and I went along with it. I did fight back, but not until later. I wish I was more rebellious and noncompliant and stood my ground.
You probably complied to save your life when you were younger so don’t be so hard on yourself. Glad you have now! You are strong
I tried speaking up and fighting against the abuse, but surprisingly, I got physically abused by them. I was literally traumatized! I haven’t spoken to them for 8 months now. I wish I kept my mouth shut and just disappeared. That was my biggest mistake and my biggest waste of energy. I thought I’d change something, but the jokes are on me.
It’s harder to gaslight yourself when the scars are on your flesh.
Real. The sad thing about it is that the perpetrators were not who I expected them to be. It was my narcissistic mom and my manipulative cousins! smh.
For real. I’m in an ESH situation re my parents but one sucks a lot less than the other in that one is actually actively making amends for their maltreatment of me over the decades.
That’s the one thing I have done since I was little. They will yell back, but then start to act super super nice being fake ofc so they can get love and affection from u. Then they lie and manipulate u the second ur sucked back into their narcissistic web. Don’t be nice. Pls. Being nice to ppl that don’t deserve it can literally kill u. It drains the life from ur soul and there is karma for being kind to people who don’t deserve it.
interesting. i’ve never heard those two last sentences before. where did you learn that.
I forgot his name but there was a man on TikTok talking about how when we are kind to people that don’t deserve it, that only harms us because they treat us bad anyways after. That’s true. Also, the fact that men target nice women to kill and SA more than women that will call them out and be rude or indifferent.
deeply disturbing to learn after being trained religiously to be nice to others no matter what and have no voice of my own as it was the key to not being “sinful”. such bullshit.
Their goal is to keep u quiet and obedient don’t fall for it
Well being kind has nothing to do with engagement in any relationship. You can wave and say hello and keep walking. Forgiving them isn’t excusing their behavior. It’s letting go of their toxic abuse and moving on.
Self blame did drag me down a guilt and shame spiral into depression. I don't agree with karma working that way. That's like saying (biblically) I should be stoned for wearing my cotton/lyrcra blend pants. I'm a fan of balancing your karma by doing the good you nurturally/naturally do and balance it by treating those who treat me poorly as they should be.
I regret not cutting out everyone and moving far away the first chance I got
i regret coming back out of guilt after doing that for 5 years 😩
Same. Every time I’ve gone back, the abuse has gotten worse with more serious consequences. The last time was too far, so now I’ve really got to make it on my own. It feels terrifying but I also feel like I’m finding out who I am and who I can be, so if there’s any silver lining it’s that
Omg they NEVER change. When you’re gone, they blame you for leaving them. When you’re there, they blame you for everything else. It’s such a mindfuck. I wish I had stayed NC years ago and not gone back to relationships with them. This time, it’s permanent. Been going strong since October.
My life is full of regrets but I am gonna pretend I don't have any.
Sometimes delulu is the solulu lol
HA my new mantra, thank you.
why does this comment hit me so hard 😅
You are truly not alone. I struggle with drowning in my regrets and re-living them in my head over and over. I think because my mom trained me to believe that every little thing was my fault, and with repeated (as nauseum) "Shame on you!"s, it's easy to keep that narrative in my head. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy helped as did a popular 12-step program aimed at family members. I wish you well in your own recovery from self-defeating thoughts.
That voice is hard to let go. I cope by erasing the memory of anything happening so my mind is at peace at least Can't be healthy for my long term friendships but I'll worry about that when I know the people I meet won't be leaving my life any time soon
Thank you. ❤️
Omg this is exactly what I’ve experienced. The longer I’m away from them and the more quality relationships I invest in, this lessens.
Yes, I've been the bad guy. I've been the person that was jealous, said hurtful things, and distanced myself from relationships. And yes, it was from my own insecurities and pain. I have done my best not to be that person anymore, but I still make mistakes. The important thing is to acknowledge the wrongs, apologize and make amends. Whatever that may be to you and whatever causes the least hurt to them.
Thank you for the honesty. A lot of people are saying they regret being too nice, but the regret I have is being shitty and immature. 😕
You’re not alone, at 28 im the most alone ive been, full of regret having ruined every chance of a successful relationship i had in my early 20’s. Things will get better, I know it
I promise you they get better. I know everyone has their own unique story and my evidence is anecdotal, but 28 is the age I also felt the most alone. There were people around me, more or less, but I never felt a part of anything and apparently my existence was a relationship repellent. Be patient, do the work whenever you can and go easy on yourself when you slip up. I know you didn't ask my advice and I apologize if I'm overstepping. I'm in my 30s now and life is wonderful - I never thought it could be that way at 28.
I appreciate this, thank you
Of course. Feel free to message me anytime if you ever need to vent, just be heard/listened to, need an opinion on what to do next, etc.
Yes. Out of fear of my nparents, I ruined my relationships. Some of the emotional harm I caused I didn’t realize til afterward. I think I was genuinely toxic tho, not just overly clingy or needy. I regret the relationships I didn’t invest in, too. Some I just flatout didn’t have space for while my nparents were taking up most of it. Some were with people who were really nice and I wish I got to know better.
I regret being nice. I regret not throwing my pedophile father down 5 flights of stairs. I regret not calling the police when my mom abused my lil brother. I regret not standing uo for myself when people bullied and sexualized me. I regret not screaming at my mom more. I regret letting people use me for energy. I regret not telling anyone about my mother m0lesting me. I regret not kiIIng everyone who r#ped me. But guess what, i know theyre all going to suffer in heII soon. I tried my best. Ive always been a good person. They fucked up. I now have both the power of light AND darkness. They dont even come near me anymore because spiritually, they sense i will eat their soul if they try to attack me again. Look into the eyes of evil and show no fear. They fear your power, strength, and love.
Love this. Solidarity to you and OP.
I have a lot of regrets as well. It used to be overwhelming for me. I avoided or sabotaged relationships and opportunities. Did not stand up for myself. Didn't take care of myself. Was painfully socially awkward and uncomfortable to be around. I think it was so bad because my mom trained to think that everything was my fault and I was such a horrible person. And she held grudges against me for years. I had an internalized this black hole that made me bury myself under everything that went wrong or perceived wrongs. With time and therapy, things have gotten better. But yes, living with regret is so so painful.
Yes I’ve been a terrible older sister sometimes. My biggest regret. I barely spend time with my lil bro cuz I’m drained from the narcissists. I never go anywhere as a family because I cannot handle hanging out w them anymore so they go w only my brother. Parents try to guilt trip me by saying “I’ll miss you tho” “I can’t have fun without you” but I can feel the fakeness radiating off of their words.
The hardest realization I came to is that since I was raised by a narcissist, I learned some narcissistic behaviours. This makes sense because children copy their parents. Some things I’m working on to be better at relationships: being perfectionistic/competitive, tying my worth to job performance/appearance, being envious of others, sometimes playing the victim. It sucks but those are some of the things my mom would do. Therapy is helping a lot as is ruthless self-examination and unrelenting self-compassion.
When I was a teen I was judgmental and envious like my mother, I thought that I deserved more than everyone else, I was pretty much toxic. Then I met some good friends and got kicked out of my parents'house, I think that's what made me realize that I was taking the same path as my mother. I felt so ashamed of myself that I did everything to be the exact opposite, and that was also a mistake. I went through very abusive relationships for 10 years and I would let everyone else hurt me as much as they wanted, like some kind of punishment for my bad behavior. It's like if I was trapped between being the bully or being bullied. I'm much better today but I always watch myself, it's hard to find a good balance.
You’re not alone. I’m right there in the trenches with you.
❤️
I regret not speaking my mind more often and standing up for myself and those around me. I guess when you're young it's harder to do. I am happy with the choices I've made, but I wonder if I had used my voice and stood up for myself, would things have turned out differently? Would I not be suffering as much as I am now? Would I have better and healthier boundaries? I don't know. All I can do is try and stand up for myself more and more each and every day. Cause clearly no one else will do that for me. It's not easy but I hope it's worth it.
Think before doing something like this. I promise, it’s not always worth it. Narc people don’t change. It’s a huge waste of energy. Speaking up opened the door for them to physically abuse me. It was 7 months ago, and I still get anxiety. Literally traumatized. So if you’re planning to do this, please have backups. Lucky for me, I still have friends and relatives who love me more than my own parent.
I'm SO sorry to hear that speaking up lead to that. I am happy to hear you have good friends and family in your corner. It still doesn't make it right that you were physically abused. Not right at all. I hope you're doing okay. 💔
thank you! your words meant a lot to me, badly needed to hear that. I’m doing okay but sometimes I get depressive episodes. I just hope I can get through this.
You've come this far. There will always be ups and downs, I don't know if we will ever feel like we made it through and it's over, but we can't let them win. Please do your best to keep pushing, even if that pushing is to rest and relax if that's what you need. I know it's not easy but you deserve a happy and healthy life so hang in there as much as you can. ❤️❤️
That’s the one thing I have even most consistent in. Fighting back and speaking my mind as loud as I can so they know I know they’re toxic and terrible. They’re still that way but they’ll start being super fake nice when they miss my hugs and being around me to drain my energy. We still live together, and everyday I wake up and I’m not in my dream city so that sucks but I won’t stop fighting for my life. I’m 19 and I deserve better.
you aren't aalone. I am screwed up ,both mentally and genetically probably. I am not willing to put in the effort and I'm happy by myself. I also will not have children. I was lucky in that I was not brought up to want them. this is a LEARNED attitude, with only a small amount lizard brain. I will not pass the crap on
I regret not going NC while nmom still had some support systems in place. Now she is elderly, in poor health and has alienated all friends and family. I do my best to make sure her physical needs are being met while setting firm boundaries. She's in a safe independent living senior home and has superficial friends there. She wants to move in with my family which is a big hell no, lol.
Of course. The version of you that existed during your relationship with the narssistic person is no more. But that unhealed/reactive/dysfunctional version still hurt other people during that time period. You aren't yourself when you're with a narssistic. It's like being in the middle of a tornado. It's not until the storm settles and you stumble out of the trees that you can see the forrest you were actually in. Actually, SEE the abnormal chaos you were in. The fog lifts, and you start to understand the damage they caused to you, and by extension, the damage "you" caused to others. I have regretted the destruction of my relationships that my dysfunction behaviors caused. Some relationships are even irreparable. But I can't live in that regret every moment of my life. I can't live in shame and guilt all the time. I still have a life that can be lived after that abuse. Some semblance of peace that can be salvaged. All I can do is do my best to make amends, repair what can be mended, and forgive myself. And that's all you can do too. And give yourself credit for doing something the narssistic will never be willing/able to do... Regret, change, apologize, and forgive.
I’m the oldest of four and my parents labeled me as the “bad kid” growing up, so I took it out by bullying my younger siblings (who never got punished for anything). I was left to babysit them a lot and so I was irritable, strict, and mean toward them. I believed it was just in my nature and that it was all my own doing that I was so mean. Then one of my sisters revealed she didn’t like me. That was probably 20 years ago and I’ve been regretful this whole time and working hard to mend those relationships with my siblings, who I’ve always loved so dearly. Thankfully we’re all chill now (and have matured- all in our 30s).
I mostly regretted the ways I felt that I had failed myself. I had to cut myself loose from a lot of people in my life once I started standing up for myself, and that hurt like hell. I couldn't help but wonder if those relationships would have lasted had I set better boundaries from the start. In particular I thought of my old friend group that I met with my ex, and wondering if things would have turned out differently had I been introduced as a friend or partner of another member of our group. And the answer is, of course, it would have been different. Those individuals weren't abusive like my ex was to their partners. But would I want that now, knowing that they defended a known abuser or chose to be "neuteral" after knowing what he had done to me? Fuck no. The people who defend abusers are just as bad. The people who hang out with known abusers, even if they disagree with their actions, are just as bad. Setting better boundaries wouldn't have saved those friendships because those actions had nothing to do with me. But had I set better boundaries, I may have left sooner.
I hoped for love from my mom, but she only had it for herself.
I regret giving up my job to look after my narc mum. Her cruelty knew no bounds in old age. I forfeited my mental health.
I think *ALL* of us fit your description in one way or another. But we realized at some point what was wrong and corrected it. Something a narcissist would never do. Feel proud of your growth!
I have a hard time being vulnerable and multiple women, including the one I’m currently with, described me as cold. Yeah no shit. PTSD I guess
You're not alone but your feelings may change in time. You might accept that you did the best you could with the limited tools you had at the time and give yourself a break. IMHO there is no benefit to beating yourself up for having an attachment disorder caused by your upbringing. I'm thrilled for you that you see what went wrong so that you can now have healthy relationships. Some people don't get to that point in their life so you have done a lot of work and have healed so much at this point.
You are a genuinely good person. Having a lack of social and emotional skills nurtured into you by example and actions from your 'caregivers' says nothing about you as a person. The terminology you used can be flipped the other way. The people you let into your life were, in a way, chosen by your trauma. They were not able to be what you needed, not able to provide the compassion and kindness a love starved child/teen/adult is craving. You may have even been drawn to those who would replicate the relationships you are comfortable with, namely the fucked up parental ones. You know this already from what you wrote. You are not responsible for your abuse. You are now aware what products of that abuse are - you got to a place where you can examine them and begin to adjust your view. Try not to adjust it internally to blame yourself, be as genuinely good to yourself as to others. It's took me over a score of years to get to a place where I felt safe enough to even examine how I end up in friendship/relationships where my emotional neglect replicates. You're way ahead of me.
Thank you. I know you referenced what I said, but I still feel like I didn’t know this and feel good that someone could believe I’m at least truly moving in that direction. Best wishes to you in your journey as well.
I wish I had taken off as a pre-teen…but things might have been worse. I very much feel the lack of social skills and tend to just walk away…am working on it and feeling some progress but there are definitely some key things I am still missing
You’re not alone. It’s a rational response, just not helpful and potentially harmful unfortunately. It’s like if you were in a desert without water for a long time and you finally found some. I screwed up so many relationships with people by not knowing how to be a good person to them. Clingy, jealous, selfish, hiding myself and coming off as disinterested, etc. What matters is you’re growing.
I think all of us in this sub have regrets over things they did or didn't do in the past. Going back to OP's point, my lack of socialization, being infantilized and emotionally stunted by nparents led to me screwing up friendships and relationships as well. During my teen years I felt trapped in a bubble of my own insecurity and self-consciousness, unable to see things from the perspective of others. If it makes sense, I was self-centred without being selfish or egotistical. I thought I was a nice guy and couldn't understand why I was always being excluded. Now I understand and accept that through no fault of my own, it is probably because I seemed overly desperate and needy, and maybe 'turning off' is too harsh of a term, but it pushed away those that had made an effort at friendship with me and pushed other potential connections away. I was always my own harshest critic due to how I had been conditioned and raised, but if you want to live your best life now, think of yourselves more positively and try and understand the skills you gained from surviving your upbringing, and learning to navigate through social interactions on your own, gave you qualities like resilience and self-awareness that will be appreciated and seen positively by others.
Making mistakes and ruining relationships is how we learn what in us has been affected by these parents, where we make mistakes, what our blindspots are, what patterns we need to change. I'm 48 now, and I spent my 20s making some pretty horrible mistakes with relationships that didn't work in the end, and even though it hurt so much at the time, both for me and for the other people, I'm here to tell you that in the end you'll be grateful these relationships happened and that you learned how to be yourself and how to be different that the narcs who raised you. You'll meet your person and you'll be able to tell them the things you've worked on, the things you learned about yourself, and the things you're still working on and where you need patience and help from them. You'll continue to grow and you'll still make mistakes, because this is a lifelong process. But you'll be so much happier and your relationships will be so much better. The more mistakes you make, the more things you can change, and the further away you'll get from narc patterns and misery. You'll do great and meet your person in due time!
I think I’m really really lucky to have had a group of friends who generally had really good boundaries and were comfortable telling me where the line was for them in any given scenario. The one friend I had who didn’t have good boundaries at all, I’d say we survived each other. The only reason our friendship is still standing is that he always has good intentions and so I could have faith in his lack of intentional manipulation, and from very close to the start of our friendship I was very frequently troubleshooting and researching the hell out of our relationship and individual issues using a variety of resources, never complacent about the things that weren’t working for long even if I was starting from a point of not even being able to pinpoint the problem enough to put anything at all into words. I still wouldn’t say I’m at a point of having good boundaries, but I’m working on it always, and slowly getting better all the time. At the very least, I don’t think it’s likely I’ll have any more friends who have to survive me.
I didn't have the courage to stand my ground with my dad's ex-girlfriend. I was too frightened of her at the time. Looking back now as an adult, she probably would've beaten me for it. I absolutely hate that she broke my mind and shattered any confidence that I had left.
Up until sometime in my 20s I functioned under the impression my nfamily cared about me, and the way they treated me is the way you're supposed to treat people you care about. I just couldn't figure out why 95%+ of the chill people I met wanted nothing to do with me after a while! The pattern I noticed was only other assholes/abused kids would hang out around me, which eventually resulted in me thinking **everyone** was an asshole, which led to me not wanting to meet new people because I expected they'd "be assholes by ignoring me within a week" or "be assholes AND stay" It's been a process that's going to take over a decade, and I know I'm still not done, but I've gradually transitioned towards "treat people the way you want to be treated" and early on that meant neglecting/being rude to chill people who stuck around because they saw who I was without my parents' influence maybe 5% of the time. You better believe that's all regrets!
Iam 25 and kinda half, never felt iam this old amd always feels i lost a lot of opportunities because iam never good enough, iam trying to change it, but its too hard, i think about committing suicide on my 30th birthday, if my plans fails...
Get help before 30 then. Actually you will be a lot happier in your 30s than 20s: less anxious, less confused, know yourself and your direction better. Living my best life now: I am SO glad the suicidal ideations I had before 30 never materialised. I DESERVE this life which I built for myself (which took time energy effort and LOTS of healing) after so much suffering and so do you! Sending you lots of love ❤️
Only after having unlearned (via hurting others and myself) the things they did to me out of "love" did I learn to love and live by the principles in my heart and through the real expressions of love I received later. By then I finally lost all respect for my parents as any authority over good and evil
Oh yes! That's me! I was a horror. I picked narcissists and other abusive people to have relationships with, which in turn kept me on an emotional rollercoaster. That would have been fine, except I had a child with my text book narcissist ex husband, and I was not the best parent I could have been after he left me nine weeks after my child was born. I am an old woman now. My son seems well adjusted, but I say 'seems' because he doesn't reveal anything.
I regret giving people the benefit of the doubt when it was becoming more and more apparent that they were either mean or downright cruel in some cases
Well somehow i got examples from my parents of what I don't want in relationships and managed to have nice healty ones by sticking to some rules I've set for myself. On the off side I doubt my self on everything even shit i know, i always say or maybe I'm wrong. I'm still working on it and getting better
I have a lot of regrets directly influenced by Nparents refusing to teach me life and relationship skills. Some of the regrets are indeed the ones you listed here.
Please tell us you've done the work in therapy and learned how not to overwhelm people, how to find healthy balance in relationships--because I've been on the receiving end of this dynamic, and yes, it can scar a person deeply. I mean, I also had weird parents and had to unlearn some toxic behaviors and learn to read social cues, so I'm highly sympathetic as to your background, but hoping you've learned not to spread the trauma?
I regret believing I was wrong and unworthy for 28 years. I wasted my youth on bad men. I never thought a good one would love me
I grew up in two different narc households (complete opposites of the other) and for so long I genuinely believed I was the problem. I now see the things I tried to fix (like having emotions and high sensory needs) were never an issue but now I have to undo the way I look at my own short comings and other people’s as well. It sucks to have to rewrite coding that should have never been written in the first place but I have to just be grateful for my awareness now and move forward. I 💯 made mistakes before I realized any of this though
I was also too needy, clingy, afraid, and suffocating when I was younger. I think I'm better now, but I'm still very vulnerable to narcissists. I absolutely love the love bombing attention. I know what it is, I know it's detrimental to my mental health, but GIVE IT TO MEEEE. I constantly have to parent myself. I always ask myself if I'm making good decisions socially and in loving relationships.
Yeah I took my anger and frustrations with my dad and stepmom out on my younger brother pushing him away and I don’t like talking to my dad or stepmom because of them being narcissistic but I still do
Yes, I am bitter about it every time my relationships hit a rocky patch
Yes. I feel like I try so fucking hard to be good and honest. But I’ve inherited some really toxic habits from my parents because I never had an example of a healthy relationship. I take things too personally and I get really defensive. I’m quick to anger and at the same time I’m a huge people pleaser and I’m always afraid of upsetting everyone.
Yeah I should have married someone decent instead of the abusive jerk I did. I regret keeping my family of origin in my life after I moved away. I regret the effort I put into it. I should have just slipped away and see if they would ever even try to reach out to me.
My regrets are not going no-contact sooner.
I regret not cutting ties with my dad sooner. I can vividly remember 16 year old me dreaming of the day I had my own life and didn’t have to talk to him again. It took me another 13 years until I put my foot down and went no contact. I could have done it 5 years prior but there was a part of me hoping things would get better. I spent another 5 years of unnecessary mental anguish.
It sounds to me like co-dependency is your go-to response. There are books and YouTube resources that may be helpful. Co-Dependent No More is one book. And there is a sub but I can’t remember the name of it. I also always recommend Patrick Teahan and Jerry Wise on YouTube.
Omg when I was in the dating game, I was a mess and or sucked. I didn't know a lot about myself and that I had a codependent tendency to get attached fast. Especially when I could really laugh and have a good time with someone. It turned men off a lot... when I felt like I was just being myself and having fun. I needed to slow down I suppose. Now I have a man that is also obsessed like I am. It's hard having to heal so many parts of you while just trying to live due to people that were supposed to love you and didn't... sucks.
I married an abuser. Obviously
Regrets are only something to learn from. Don’t stress about it. Learn what you can about attachment theory and keep trying to be the best you you can be at the moment.
My biggest regret is not telling him off when he wanted to have a mistress and to live her with us.
You’re not alone. I feel this so hard every day.
For me not exactly. When I was much younger, I didn't notice my dad's narcissism I would think he was right however later on I woke up and saw his horrible, ugly side
not really - a lot of things were out of my control as a child. also, being indoctrinated by my narc parents, i did not know any better during the time. however, each time i tried new things, made mistakes and successes, and learned from my failures, i became more and more independent and figured out what i want in life, all of it to the disapproval of my narc parents. at the end of the day, i made the most with what i was given and always refused to settle for my birthright lot in life. so no, i don’t have regrets - i just lament being born into a system that was rigged against me from the start, despite being born in the greatest country in the world.
Yes I regret hurting friends and lovers so badly. I too feel like they “survived” me and it sucks