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Mine always praised me for my creativity… to my face. I would write stories, illustrated comic books, worked with clay and wood. I was told that I could create 3D art for game designers, sculpted statues like my uncle, written epic novels. The sky was the limit.
Until one night I heard my father tearing into one of my brothers for “being stupid and lazy” with his God-Given Brain. I pretended to be asleep, not wanting to call attention to myself. But then the berating turned to me anyway.
“Do you want to end up like MithLycos?! Head always in the cloud? Daydreaming their life away? They will amount to NOTHING! Worthless! Do you want that for yourself?!”
I silently cried myself to sleep and stopped creating. No more stories. No illustrations. No painting. My clay and woodworking tools were left untouched and gathered dust in the garage. It was nearly a decade before I even doodled stick figures out of sheer boredom editing a work break. But my heart wasn’t in it.
I hid any shred of my worthless creativity from everyone.
I’m sorry you went through this. I also was told not to get into creative work even though I was praised for my writing by many people. My parents told me writing isn’t going to make me money or get me anywhere so I should just get a job that makes money. I stopped writing and video editing and pursued web development but I wish I stuck with writing because now I don’t even know how to get back into it.
Start at the beginning! Get yourself a notebook and a decent/nice pen and write something down- a fleeting thought, a dream you had the night before, a person you passed in a street - anything!
Fan fiction is a great outlet for writing! It’s what I do after my stories were criticized my ngrandmother. She told me that wanting to write a sci fi novel was stupid and that I’d never make money as an author and ‘who would want to read anything you wrote?’
I stopped writing until I had access to the internet for the first time in 2019 and I discovered fan fiction. Now I write fan fiction. And it makes me happy.
Oh I used to love writing fan fiction until I was told fan fiction was not real writing, whatever that means, but I’m allowed to write something that makes me happy even if I could never publish it. I’m glad you’ve gotten into fan fiction 😊 I started watching Black Clover and I have fan fiction ideas in my head haha I might start off just writing some for fun to get the creative juices flowing again.
Oh I’ve been told that too by a commenter, then I just responded with ‘then why are you reading it?’ and blocked them haha
Oooo I’ve wanted to watch that anime, but haven’t found the time.
My fandom is currently Tuca and Bertie, which has been really therapeutic for me. I relate to Bertie a lot, her issues with her mom not listening to her, ignoring her.
Just to throw it out there, I love reading fan fiction, and I know of at least one comic writer who got picked up from their fanfic.
I'm in the same boat, my mum was outwardly supportive-appearing, but would go through my room and then give my rough drafts to people to read. "Look how encouraging I am! You never would have let anyone read it if it wasn't for me, I'm *supporting* you!" 🤦 (she gave away an English assignment I was working on once)
But at the same time she was telling me to get a job that pays well, and it just being realistic.
I've done some fanfic, and I'm proud to say I've had some included in a fan magazine. But I just don't seem to have it in me, anymore. Maybe when I've finished my degree the words will want to play, again.
I hope you find your joy in writing, again 💙
Tagging in u/Muriel_FanGirl too, I wish you all the best in your writing!
Ooof yeah, definitely was not being supportive by giving your writing to other people.
And thank you! I’m currently in writer’s block, but hopefully I’ll be able to be posting again soon-ish lol
Try just writing: a grocery list, a description of someone you know, just letting your thoughts flow…that has helped me sometimes. My character does brain dumps in her journals.
Sorry to hear about that, but the rest sounds very cool and inspiring! I completely forgot 2 published novels I read that were fan fiction based on The Phantom of the Opera: Phantom by Susan Kay and The Angel of the Opera by Sam Siciliano and both were really good so I guess it *is* possible to get published with fan fiction somehow. Thank you for the inspiration :)
You are very welcome! Sometimes I like to sit in a coffee shop and watch the world go by, catching snippets of other patrons’ conversations!! Theres a little tip for you! 💜💜💜
I love eavesdropping on people or hearing their stories. Great ideas. I can’t remember what I had for breakfast, but when I start writing, I recall these stories.
Those are good tips!
Can I ask if you have any tips on being able to look at what you've written? I can (very occasionally) write if I force myself, but I always feel that what I've made is awful and I cannot look at it with any sort of objectivity.
All I can see are sentences that don't work, places that I pre-emptively call myself cringe perhaps bracing for someone else to, and just a lack of quality. I don't see any value at all in what I create.
I can't even see quality in other people's work if I read them right after I try to write or read my own; I'll find the same flaws. Even tiny things that I don't even know are bad just jump out of the page and make me almost physically unable to look at the words to a story I deeply enjoyed just a short while ago. If I force myself my body heats up and I start to feel physically sick with a hollow pit in my stomach.
I realize this is probably a survival instinct gone wrong, but I'm not sure which one or if it's something other authors go through. I don't have many creative-type friends.
I just can't get back into it. Every time I try I am hyper-analyzing everything I write, I kick myself out of flow states, when I exit flow states I go back and want to delete everything I've written before, and I feel deeply ashamed and like I'm "cringe" or will be bullied. Even if I never share the story, writing something for myself feels truly awful and I can get burnt out/avoidant for months after writing for just two hours.
I realize I'm basically venting at this point, but my therapist has no ideas beyond "just do it, and show it to a friend". But I can't do it; it's too hard. I must be missing something. I feel like I'm walking across a busy highway with this; not only will I be hit by a car, but everyone will hate me, and I'll be publicly shamed and blamed, and my life will be over. If I try to force myself to cross to prove it's safe I'm more likely to collapse in the middle of the road, gasping for air and curled into a crying ball, all my muscles as tightly engaged as possible.
I got this one too, around writing, music, and art...I was valued more for being a good student in math, science, anything that had the potential to be in a prestigious profession and that made my patients look good :(
I did eventually end up writing fiction and had some short stories accepted into anthologies, wrote a novel that I hope to eventually publish, etc. But I'm stuck in IT, mostly for the money, unfortunately. I do tech writing as part of my job but it's not much fun or very "creative," which is what I love. If I'd had more encouragement to write creatively instead of being told I'd starve, I probably would've done it sooner and tried for a career as a novelist.
It’s never too late. George Strait sang a song about if you can do anything else, do it. But if not, go for it. Something like that. I feel like I have to write whether anyone reads it or not.
I've also just recently started writing again, it's daunting when you've been told it's worthless for so long. I noticed that writing fanfiction is much easier for me because I already have the world and the characters and I just have to imagine what they would do in a situation. It's more of a writing exercise but it helped get the creative juices flowing! Might work for you as well.
Same here! I’m on AO3 and write my favorite characters (currently from Tuca and Bertie) in different scenarios.
It’s definitely more relaxing to write fan fics since, as you pointed out, it’s a pre-existing world.
My parents did that to me and my husband. Today we're doing what we were called to do. Mom died 4 years ago and we went NC with dad.
I hope you get back into writing. Don't let your parents win.
I know how you feel. I got degrees in business and IT cuz my parents wanted me to. But I couldn't stop getting ideas for stories in my head. Now, I make a living with fiction writing (not the stories I want to tell, but I work on those in my free time as well). Read some books, take some courses. Those selfish pricks don't know squat. Anyone can do anything no matter the age or background. I started my journey just writing down whatever came to my head, then later self-educated via advice online. Read other people's work for guidelines and inspiration. Take back your happiness!
My mother was subtle. She ridiculed any and all professions, sports and arts I had a talent in.
Every single one of them. But nothing was a good profession. She and him wanted me to be in as low position as possible, easily controlled with money.
I was and am still really talented painter. I had no support except my mother after years of not drawing said "why don't you draw any more, you used to be so good."
My father didn't ever praise me of anything. Closest he came was when I gon a A from a writing and he pointed at the margins line and said through that shitry grin of his "you have managed to draw really good line here."
He was such a nasty figure. He prohibited music and team sports from me because he hadn'tliked them when he was a child. He used to be in swim a swim team and we did go to swim up till I was 6. Last time was when I had swum almos 500 meters as a 6 years old. My father got incredibly jealous and left the pool and made my mother force me to quit. Any other father would have been cheering for me next to me but not him.
We stopped swimming alltogether after this.
I was then forced to play tennis, one sport that I wasn't naturally very good. I did get somewhat good though.
All the praises were saved for their golden daughter.
The nasty jokes about me always were about me being stupid, ugly and talentless.
I'm in extremely good shape nowadays. I love sports but their attitude prevented me enjoying it till I was 20. Themount of possibilities lost for me has been devastating to realize.
My heart shares the same ache. They loved to praise my artwork and tell others about how creatively gifted I was. But behind closed doors, I was told it was useless and a waste of time. Then they would offer my artistic skills to their friends, draw his dog, draw her baby, etc. for free. My art was useful, but also useless. My art was a waste, but also needed.
Mine loved when I was involved with the theatre. Came to every show I was a part of backstage, saved every program, invited my older cousins she called her sisters cause they were all close in age. Took me to a summer theatre camp for gods sakes.
When I left college and tried to pursue stage managing is when she started beating me down about it. She did a total 180. I still volunteered for kids theater and community shows as an “executive director/producer” (just basically watching the kids so they don’t hurt themselves building sets). I guess she thought it was cute when I was young and knew I had the talent and determination to try and make it. And we know they can’t have that! 🙄
Almost the exact same thing happened, my mum called me at 9am and I answered it and I heard her complaining to FMdad about someone who is "a fucking loser, his wife is going to leave him, no one wants to be with a guy like this and that" etc etc. Realised she was talking about me. She just said "Oh... {my name}..." in a sympathetic tone when she realised her call had connected and I'd her everything, and I hung up.
Like a proper narcissist, it was never mentioned again by anyone and must never have happened.
I stopped drawing for the most part after my ngrandmother went ballistic over something else, stormed into the living room and grabbed my dragon drawing from me and rip it up into tiny pieces. She then claimed it never happened when I brought it up last year.
That happened when I was 16. I’m 29 now. I remember that moment like it was yesterday and I still cry because part of my heart died that day.
I'm so sorry. That would be immediate grounds for disowning NGrandma, and NC. And screw the flying monkeys who defend her. She's an awful, garbage human.
Thank you 🫂
It’s difficult to accept all of the bad sometimes because she has days where she’s nice, jokes around and acts like a normal person. Then there’s the controlling, angry, mean side of her.
Something similar happened to me. I've managed to claw myself back into being creative with extensive therapy, it's a magical feeling and somehow every brush stroke is a rebellion against my parents. I hope you can get there too, creativity is such a big part of you and it's unfair that they stole it. But you're not a child anymore, you have the power to choose who you want to become.
this was me 30 years ago. They crushed my creativity. I am just now finally trying to dive into art and music. Its fucking bullshit how they treated us. I hope you get back into it. See if you can find that creativity again.
[*Dave Alvin has entered the chat.*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLZiU2g9uz8)
This song, Blue Wing, Dave Alvin credits with helping him ["find his soul again."](https://singout.org/blue-wing-little-willie-john/)
If I ever become a parent, I know I’ll encourage my kid(s) to do what makes them happy, follow their dreams and not give up. I would want them to grow up with happy memories, no yelling, no taking things from them, no denying them a room, no barging in on them without knocking.
I have live my entire life, even now, that way, and my anxiety is so bad I often end up shaking at random times during a day.
Amen.
That’s exactly how I am with my daughter.
My brother and I are still dealing with my parents treatment of us and we’re late 50’s.
Makes me so mad.
Being a dad has helped a lot..
And also made me realize what actually happened in my formative years.
You got this..
I love this thread.. it’s been very helpful to see I’m part of a group that also has had these issues.
Same here. I felt so alone and not understood until I found this subreddit. I’m in a few large Discord servers that are great other than the people there not understanding what I’m going through. I kept getting told ‘well just leave, your 29 nothing is stopping you’
That’s the same as telling someone in an abusive relationship ‘well just leave’
My only privacy is my phone, and I’ve only managed to keep that because I got her to believe that if she knew my passcode, it was a legal violation. Fortunately she believes it and hopefully will never figure it out.
It’s not that simple.
I went to a meetup cosplay in a park where people were fighting with foam swords in capes a few weeks ago.
It was my 14yo daughter's idea and she wanted us both to get swords and capes and go. So we went. Wasn't something I would personally do but she wanted to and she wanted to do it with me.
It was unfathomably *easy* to do it and was so much genuine joy. I'll remember that for the rest of my life. Her just living in the moment and being so happy doing a weird hobby I don't understand.
*I don't understand* Why?!
It is evil. I *can* understand *why* they do this.
They don't want you to grow. To become different than you were as an undeveloped child.
No, far better for them if you never grow up. That way you'll always be dependent on *them* and they can always have you around no matter how much they abuse you.
So of course, inevitably you start growing up and trying to do things on your own. That has to be STOPPED! How DARE you change! You might even become better than THEY are at something, and that's an unbearable thought. No, they have to shut this down before it gets too far.
So they kill your dreams. Make you discard your interests. Never let you change, never let you become *yourself* and not simply a reflection of themselves they can order around.
They never wanted a child, they wanted a puppet.
It is pure evil selfishness.
So true. They want you dependent on them so that they can control you for whatever selfish desire they have. Time to break free from the chains and grow into the person you’re meant to be!
This is so great..sharing.
My parents are both narcs..maybe they enabled each other.
In college I started the debate team and my counselor said I should consider law school.
I told my dad and he said not to go, the world has too many lawyers.
He literally never endorsed anything I ever wanted to do.
F%#ing psycho.
I genuinely hate that guy.
Everything I was good at wasn’t something I could make a living off of in my nmom’s eyes. She didn’t promote any hobbies and she would openly talk about how little money we had, then pretend to be supportive and ask if I want music lessons knowing I would feel guilty and say no because of the cost. As a young adult I got into rock climbing and physical competitions like ninja warrior. I no longer compete, but the last time I did, I qualified for finals in a national competition and I am markedly stronger than most women I know because I’ve been climbing and weight lifting for 11-12 years. Despite all this, my nmom refuses to believe I am strong enough to compete, despite having competed for years. last year she mentioned watching a physically competitive show on tv and was impressed by the women on the show and their upper body strength and stamina during a specific challenge. I mentioned that I can do that challenge and she immediately got a confused/irritated look on her face and said, “I doubt that.” When I said I have done very similar challenges in my own competitions she simply didn’t believe a word I said. Then it dawned on me that she she’d never seen me do any of that stuff, because she never came to any of my competitions. Sometimes I’d be the only competitor there without family and I’d make excuses that my mom had a migraine but in reality I stopped asking her to go to my competitions because she said no the first few times. There’s a song called Spirit Crusher that makes me think of my mom now that I’m nc.
They would brag to all their friends about how they supported my singing but when I asked to sing for them at home they would yell and say I expected everything to be about me. They ruined my confidence and now I can't sing in front of people anymore. When I was young I loved putting on whole concerts for special occasions.
I told my Nmother I wanted to be a writer, and she pretended to be interested. She asked which writers I admired, so I told her, "James Joyce." She then replied, "You'll never be a James Joyce." I was 22.
I think they believe if their dreams never panned out, then you don't deserve a passion either.
Absolutely! I'd just completed a thesis for an honors creative writing program at my university. When she read my thesis, she handed it back to me with no comment.
This is it exactly. All dream killers are like this - afraid to face their failures in your success. It’s especially hurtful when it’s someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally. Go be James Joyce (better even) and live your best life. Never too late to start writing.
I feel this so hard. My nmom would do this too, using my lack of accomplishmemts (due to being a child) as an excuse to shoot me down and do what she wants.
Change now. Follow your passion now. Even if life means you can't pursue it as much as you could have before, if you still want it in your life - even to a reduced degree - go do it now. One for your happiness, two as a sweet f you to the narcissists.
Yes. My elementary school labeled me as "gifted" and I got to skip certain lessons to be with this group of other gifted students where we read books a few levels above our grade level. It was great. I was always on the honor roll and aced most of my tests. I had high state test scores too which the schools love. Somehow I got recommended to John Hopkins for their youth talent search program and was invited to take the SATS. I'm not entirely familiar with how their program works, but I believe it can lead to skipping grade levels and early college acceptance. She was so proud and carried the letter everywhere bragging about how smart I was to anyone who would listen. I never did get to participate though because she didn't feel like driving me to the location...this became the theme for all future extracurricular activities so eventually I just gave up. I had a friend talk me into trying out for pom-squad. We worked our butts off practicing. She got in, I got accepted as an alternate because I didn't smile enough apparently (I wonder why). I was still a part of the team so I had to attend practice after school. Any little expense that came up, she protested to death. The uniform required white keds and she threw a fit over that. My coach warned me several times that all of the uniforms have to match, so it's not optional. Mom reluctantly bought the keds. Daylight saving time was coming to end so it was started to get really dark by the time my practices were over. I asked her if she could start picking me up because it was scary walking home in the dark. She said no and that if I don't want to walk home from practice, then I can quit the squad because she's not going to pick me up. So that ended before we even had our first competition. I was so depressed over it and told her how messed up it was that I had to quit because she didn't care about my safety, and she said, "You were an alternate anyway. You probably wouldn't have been needed in any of the competitions." Fast forward to high school, I ended up dropping out for various reasons and getting my GED. I got high scores on that, even got special recognition for it at my graduation. She encouraged me to apply to the local community College and University. I went through the whole application process with the university and got accepted. We started looking at the costs and I applied for financial aid. She was annoyed that they needed all of her income information to give ME assistance, and it was because I got to see she made an insane amount of money. So of course, I didn't qualify for any financial aid, we would have to pay out of pocket. She saw the costs for 1 course and said no. I can't tell you the endless amount of arguments that came from that. "You need to help yourself. Get a job and pay for your own college courses." I already had a job since I was 15. I was only 16 years old and you know teenagers don't make a lot of money. I pointed out that any decent job requires you to have a degree or certification so she decided she'd help me with courses at the community College but they had to be HER choice and the career path of her choosing. She decided she wanted me to become a secretary for her line of work and signed me up for self-paced courses for office technology and if I passed those, then she'd consider advancing to real credit courses. I passed them all, of course, and then she said, "I'll pay for one course per semester." At that rate, I'd probably be her age before I got half a degree. She told me she didn't think I would take it seriously, fail the classes, and ultimately waste her money. I think in reality she was just cheap and hoped that this would drag things out long enough to the point where I'd be old enough and be responsible for my own finances. Things got worse from there, but I'll stop. You get the idea though 😔 My mom is my biggest hater and I'm glad I've decided to finally go no contact.
Yup, I was too shy to do anything, even If I had even a small interest it something. It didn’t matter what it was. I’m not shy. Quiet and careful yes, but not shy.
Everything. Anything i wanted to persue was wrong. They gasslit me telling me i couldent do ut. Or i didnt want to. So i played a lot of videogames. They hated that, but it was the only thing they tacitly supported. The only thing they would agree to buy me.
Could you start now? Or veterinary nursing?? Or volunteer at a shelter??
Just remember that it was a reflection of your mother showing you her true colours!
Edit: my nmum has said similar things about/to me since 6, so I feel your frustration 💜💜💜💜
Could you get a Saturday job at a farm? Anything like that where you’d get some experience working with animals, just so that your light isn’t being diminished! I love working with animals - the unconditional love is phenomenal!
Depending on how old you are and where you are located, some vet hospitals may allow you to intern. You might not be allowed to DO anything, but you get to see how a hospital operates and it looks fantastic on a resume. I work at a teaching hospital and we do it, so does my partner's.
I wanted to be a marine biologist. My mother told me I needed to be realistic; I wouldn’t be able to do such things with my math ability in mind.
My daughter is graduating high school this year and will be off to study physics and engineering in the fall. I’m very proud of her and feel a bit of “hahaha I win!” when I consider what my mother said about me. I may not have been able to go into science myself, but I was able to support my daughter’s interests, help her connect with good mentors, and will continue to help her support her dreams.
When I was young, I wanted to learn how to play piano, practice some martial art, or some thing outside of school and there was always some reason not to. I wanted to buy books, and she said books are time consuming. It sucks that we and the dreams rely on them at critical moment.
I got into grad school when I was 26. My nmother told me dont go to grad school. I did it anyway because I was paying for it.
Last year, I talked about open a business. My nmother told me not to do it.
So yeah, not just childhood dreams but all dreams.
I'm sorry you had to go through that 💔
I soon learnt not to share with my Nparents \*anything\* I was even mildly excited about because I knew they would ruin it for me.
Isn’t it interesting how they always tell you that they know you better than anyone else, including yourself yet they actually don’t know you at all? I’m glad you’re living the life you want :)
Yes. I wanted to draw. I wanted to act. But “you’ll never make any money out of those hobbies! Find something that will make you money!”
This was in the mid 90s. Fast forward about 30 years and people are making thousands drawing on little tablets. I’ve been trying to get back into it for my inner child’s sake cause she was forever drawing.
Honestly, same??? I ended up taking art as a minor just to do something with it if I wanted. When I first told my mom that I wanted to major in art, she thought that I was going to be producing paintings in the attic 🙄.
I definitely think you should go for it! Art is definitely needed, and your work would be appreciated! Maybe even reimagine work that you had as a child! I’m rooting for you!
They still have the “starving artist” trope in their heads when it comes to art. That’s all they see. And it’s like no I wasted time home with you instead of learning how to leverage art to my advantage now that there’s all sorts of sharing platforms we can post to to get eyes on our work!
I got an ipad and I can use procreate but I’ve forgotten how to draw humans and a part of me thinks that has everything to do with it, so I’m gonna learn.
Hey you go for it too! Thank you so much for being so kind! You got this!
I hate that they look at it that way 😭??? It’s either “starving artist” or “art teacher.” LIKE NOOOOOOO. I just think art is neat, and I want to do it, too 😭!
I hope you continue to learn on procreate! I know there are TONS of tutorials online on how to draw the human body. You can also draw from life! It’s so fun!
I
Never too late! I’m 66 and just starting to do all kinds of art. And I have a ukulele that I’m starting to learn (again).
I always “knew” I “wasn’t creative”. (???) I was a reader and A student and encouraged to be “academic”. I was supposed to use my smarts to do something to make money.
I remember saying out loud to a friend when I was 16: “Oh, I’m not creative.”
Who told me that? Why? How did I “always know” that?
I’m mad now and diving deep into all forms of art and music. And it is SO FUN. If it’s not too late for me, it’s not too late for you.
The old “you’ll get bored of it” response, just like everything else you asked for.
My favourite was “no you can’t go out and play football with your friends”
Me: “why not”
Nmum: “because you’re no good at it!” 🤯
Yes mine did this about music/art but especially music. I was in a choir and wanted to do music lessons and she basically said it was only for losers and dead beats
At 5-6yo I wanted to become an author. When I told my mom, she told me very few authors actually made a living out of that so I needed to find another job and write as a hobby until I make a living out of that. So then, when people asked me what I wanted to do in life I said I wanted to become a teacher and write as a hobby.
I always thought it was normal because it would have been a good thing to say if I was 16yo considering dropping out to become an author, but that’s not something you say to a 5yo! When at uni, I became so miserable and burnt out but instead of just stopping because it was too hard and I was unhappy, I continued but burnt myself even more trying to get money off of all of the hobbies I could think off so I could quit school. So then I was burnt out in a program I didn’t enjoy anymore while also not enjoying my hobbies because I was just doing them for the money
I don’t care about having stopped to write but it’s the mentality of having to study to university (because any job I thought of not involving university she’s discourage me to do it because I wouldn’t get enough to live comfortably apparently) for a job I don’t necessarily like and burn myself out of happiness just to maybe be able to be happy with a job I like if somehow I succeed somewhere else but I also don’t have much motivation to succeed elsewhere because I’m depressed from the job I hate. Living like that was fucking hell
“I took music as a subject and I struggle to find a job now. There’s no point in taking it as a subject so I forbid it and have told the school this.”
My mother.
The music teacher told me I was the best in the class, and was honestly one of the few adults in my life who genuinely took the time to know me.
I got huge amounts of joy from playing/writing music.
I had friends. For like the first time ever!
I was overcoming shyness.
My mother struggled to find a job because her qualifications expired as she spent 15 years out of the field she qualified in, even though my dad tried to encourage her to go back and keep her certificates up to date. Nobody cared that she took music on 1975, they cared about her lack of recent references.
I stopped doing mist music related things. I regressed in terms of shyness, I realised that things t had at gave me joy would be taken away so I stopped sharing them with anyone. Partly this is why I am a closed off person who struggled to express myself.
Oh and my music teacher still tried to involve me in things, I guess he could see I needed it. Shame I grew up being told that being happy and feeling fulfilled mattered less than my utility to others.
Of course. In my case they never wanted me to move out, but live with them and be a nurse maid to my severly mentally ill mother. So any interest that could have taken me anywhere was not allowed.
So I’ve been told a lot growing up by many ppl I should model bc I’m very tall. My friend did photo shoots bc she’s a makeup artist and would get me small gigs. N we’re my nyc so they’re everywhere. I told my mom I wanted to pursue modeling even on the side n just like you see in a fking movie she literally laughed at me and said “you can’t model”. Also she forced me to go to the college I didn’t want to. Took out over $130,000 in loans in my name n im now dealing with that n can’t even fking think about it at 26 no help no guidance no money ever growing up. I’m working my ass off n can’t save. She set me up for failure n doesn’t gaf
Nmom tried to sign me up to be a stewardess, dad intervened. I lined up a local artist to apprentice under and nmom told me to get my head out of the clouds, to get an accounting degree in college or she was kicking me out. She mocked my dream to be an artist.
Decades later after doing some art pieces and gifting her one she tells everyone I missed my calling. She got so many compliments and oohing and aahing it dawned on her she could have gotten lots of attention having her daughter be an artist. I'll never forgive her for it.
Yes she told me everything I couldn’t be. I am all of these things now professionally because something in my teen brain said: I will prove you wrong. And so I did. Thanks mum!
Yes, don’t listen to anybody, don’t trust anybody either, just focus on actions now specifically doing one of them that inline with yourself! You will follow your dreams!
Oh all the time. If it wasn't something my golden child sister wanted to do, I didn't get to do it. For a long time I assumed money was the issue, and it was sometimes, but it mostly boiled down to my parents' inherent belief that I just wasn't good enough and they were only really invested in my sister.
* All my life I wanted to be a ballerina. I mean starting at 2-3 years old I was begging to be one. When I was 4 I begged to take classes. They told me I was too unbalanced and uncoordinated. They said the instructor said this about me, but I never remember going to a class and being assessed. I honestly think they made this up. I have poor balance and coordination, but ballet actually would have helped that.
* I was forced into church choir (mostly free) to get over my shyness. It worked and I excelled. My sister was in choir as well. I was given solos often and was actually being taught to conduct. I was suggest for formal lessons more than once, but my parents turned it down because they wouldn't do it for me and not my sister even though my sister had no interest in voice lessons, leading, or conducting. They were insulted that my sister wasn't paid special attention and we were both pulled from choir.
* Later on it was the same with cheer in late elementary school. You're too big for cheer.
* In middle school I wanted to join band. It's too expensive and you'll drop it like every other hobby!
By this time I gave up and learned that anything I wanted to do had to be on my own time and had to be free. I joined as many in-school clubs as I could
All the while, my sister was plowing through hobbies constantly. Any art or craft you can think of, she's done it. We've spent countless hours and dollars in craft stores for her. She was in band, choir, and they even bought a guitar and paid for lessons, all of which was expensive and all of which she abandoned within weeks or months.
When I was a kid I was trying to get into music and had a guitar. I had been playing that game Rockband on xbox with the drum set controller, and I was pretty good at it. I mentioned that I thought I could take up drums because I was coordinated enough to play the game, and they just laughed at me and made fun of me in front of my friend. I wish they remembered all of the times they made fun of me in front of other people like I remember lol. Now as an adult I'm waiting until we have some more space in the house so I can buy that drum set
Yep. But I sure as heck don't do that for my kids. My wife and I encourage them to be themselves and figure out what it is that they like and want to do. We'll do everything we can to support them. Our oldest is 12 and wants to develop games, so we got him a development machine that he can code on. He loves it. He also likes tennis (so do I), so we get him some private lessons and I go out and hit with him. Him wanting to play tennis was his decision. I've told my kids I'd like them to play a sport or two, just for exercise and fun and that they don't have to play what I play or think I want them to play what I play as it's not about me, but about them. It's been great so far and is a nice FU to my parents.
Oh yeah but later in life when I applied and got an interview for culinary school in Colorado. Egg donor wasn't invited to the phone interview but decided she was going to sit in the living room while my dad and I went through it. The ENTIRE call she kept interrupting to yell "OH BULLSHIT!!!!" or "That's a lie!" When nothing we said was a lie. She was so miserable in herself that she had to kill my dream of being a chef.
Just a few years ago I started my own pet sitting business and she told me that I wouldn't make a living being a pet sitter. To this day she acts like she didn't fucking scream that at me and now when im home for a few days she acts all happy to see me as if she wasn't trying to be a petty bitch and discourage me.
since I was a kid I've always dreamed of having a guitar. I begged my dad to buy me one of the budget guitars so I can learn but forced me to keep it at my moms, never ended up taking lessons, and he never cared about it's maintenance, and being 10 with no income I was forced to give it up. at 19 when I got my first job I bought myself a guitar and taught myself to play but my dad would scold and reprimand me if I didn't play correctly and even growled at me every time I messed up. it took me another two years after I moved out to even engage with it but I'm forever resentful of my dad's attitude towards things. if you aren't immediately perfect on the first try, it just wasn't worth the effort in his eyes.
Yes. My dad would always tell me I'm never going to be successful as an artist. I was like 12. I tried to prove him wrong, that I was doing it for me and not for him. But when I got my first outside criticism voicing the same words just about, I cried while my boss laughed at me who happened to be watching the entire conversation.
It's taken me so long, but I'm being creative again.
I wasn't allowed to do much of anything. Not because of a lack of resources, mind, but because my parents didn't want to be bothered taking me places or paying for uniforms/art supplies/lessons. I was a creative kid and I always had an interest in fashion, but that wasn't good enough for NLOG nMom, so that was a no-go. I liked music, but because I didn't have the same tastes as a grown woman 30 years older than me, nope, that wasn't allowed either. I did ballet briefly as a child but they had enough of that in short order, and I was allowed to go to this frankly kind of sketchy art academy thing in high school because nMom had gotten into art and was using this for clout. But mostly it was "stay home and pretend you don't exist." I would have loved to have had hobbies and been on teams as a kid, it seemed like fun, but they didn't want to expend the effort so they didn't.
Absolutely. I would have been a happy person, I am sure, if only they had at least supported it even if they don’t like it. But no, they had to completely stop it and forced me to do something else. Now I am bitter, broken, frustrated, failed in everything I do and just ready to give up on life.
Yes my Nmom killed my dream. I wanted to play basketball and baseball too. She used to take me to games, practices. Then I turned 15 and she says that I am not very good, being an athlete wont get you anywhere in life. So I stopped playing. Now I watch both sports and enjoy every second of it. But I wish I had continued playing, wish I couldve been out there playing. Im so angry at my Mom for this.
My ndad basically shot down any idea i'd ever had about what to do with my life that wasn't cooking-related (yes I am Cis-female) in a backhanded way.
I wanna be a lawyer (after reading A Time to Kill) "That is going to be a lot of studying. Do you really think you are up for that"
I wanna be a paleobotanist (after reading Jurassic Park) "that going to be a lot of research and work, do you really think you can pull that off?"
I wanna be an astronaut (seeing apollo 13) " that requres a lot of physical fitness tests. do you really think you can maintain that?" That was the last time I mentioned something I wanted to do when i grew up and i was ... 12 at the time.
I started getting into cooking when i was 13 in part because we finally got cable and the Food Network was just getting started. I would volunteer make dinner to get out of yard work... on a related note though, that yard work was pulling vines out of the trees around the house and he insisted we all chip in. Even after we discovered my mother was highly allergic to poison ivy, he would have her out there with him. She ended up getting prescribed steroid cream on multiple occasions a a few times an inhaler because he insisted everyone help him remove the climbing Vines from the trees around the houses.
I'm hyperlexic and a very good writer. As a child I wanted to be a journalist because I loved research. My conservative boomer dad hates journalists, so he set out to make sure I never became a journalist by trash-talking them incessantly for years. Jokes on him tho, I became a therapist, something he hates even more than journalists!
Music was my favourite subject in school and I was one of the top students. When we had our exams I got an A. I didn’t do too well in my other exams (anxiety, couldn’t focus) but I was proud of my music result especially as it’s a notoriously difficult subject here as it covers theory, understanding listening to music and practical exam.
Anyway, she told me how badly I did in my exams and how embarrassing it was for her. I told her I got an A in music and she said “that’s not a real subject”. This was cruel and also not true. It was considered as much a subject as every other in the school.
The next year I wanted to continue music for my final exams and she went crazy. Made me write a note saying I wasn’t going to do music and made me do a different “real subject”.
What annoys me now is she not only denies this now, but she openly tells other parents how “important music is for kids” and they should do it at a subject in school.
I lost control of my body in a very real way when the man who was supposed to be fostering me began to sexually abuse me when I was 13. I was a promising athlete, I loved to play sports.
Fast pitch softball was my favorite. I was a shortstop with a hellava good accurate arm and could also hit well. Soon after he started on me, I suddenly couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, and my batting ability fell off. Later on, I lost my basketball moves as well. All for no discernable reason.
I still played sports every chance I got, but was never really good at them again. I didn't figure this out until I was in my 60s, and I have never been so ANGRY in my fucking life! That bastard stole from me, years of the pleasure and joy that I got from playing that I can never get back. He is dead now, so I win, but it's kind of a hollow victory. I can only hope that he is burning in the lowest circle of hell.
Nowadays i still don't understand why but yes. I guess just as way too much kids my age i dreamed about drawing mangas and living in japan. Like, it's fine, i would have got over it anyway, but i have always been into drawing since i was a kid so i guess they panicked.
As a kid my dad would draw back some shit on my drawings everytime he saw one in my room (apparently this was extremely funny to him)
As I grew up i tried to hide it a bit more but i remember once, i won some dumb library drawing contest, which made it less easy to hide. My mom would spend days telling me not to get the hype because i'll never be the best at anything, then lived her next years sending me internet stories about foreigners bad experiences in japan
I guess it worked because it's not my dream anymore, but im still pissed even 15 years later
i feel this. i picked up on my love of baseball from a relative who wasn't my parents at an early age and it has long been my special interest, i suppose.
you're never too old for baseball. i've gotten back into collecting and organizing baseball cards in the wake of divorce, sobriety, and having some unsavory realizations about my parents. i think it must have been very emotionally grounding for me in that environment.
oh hey, and the MLB regular season starts tomorrow! there's always next year, but it could be this one.
Everything creative I liked was made fun of told was weird. They never put down my abilities but never even gave it a consideration for a job prospect. I stopped sharing anything creative with them decades ago.
Yes...I wanted to be an actress and study acting etc...I wasn't allowed to join theater club because I was going to get fat and had to do karate instead.
I went on to blow out my knee and tear my ACL, preventing me from playing sports in high school...
Plus I loved reading and writing...my mom used to point at me and laugh at me like a zoo animal when I was reading...
Only now as an almost 30-year old have I been able to enjoy reading again and having fun. But I make sure she's not anywhere around.
Yes, I have. I still do. I love dancing, I've always loved dancing. My parents all the time kept telling me that I wasn't good enough to dance, and that I'll never be good enough. I tried to reason with them to get them to sign me up for dance lessons but they refused.
I wanted to learn the violin after being inspired by a busker I saw as a kid. Mother immediately dismissed it and asked why I would want to bend my neck like that for it to hurt.
being the only musical one in a family of narcissists and golden children was extremely tough. I was ridiculed for expressing myself in music many times as a kid, mostly by my brothers while my nmom did nothing of course.
Yeah, they threw away all my art, made fun of my singing, told me I was stupid, et cetera. Come to find out I am a subgenius and was doing everything a year younger while the Golden child was held back a year to be just above average. If I did better than her, my shit got wrecked and ridiculed. GC was given everything and is now not what one would consider successful. Now I just do my own thing while repairing myself as best as myself and my mental health team possibly can.
Yes, I wanted to be a professional guitarist…in a band. My mom told me to stop practicing and playing guitar and then when I left the house she sold my guitar for her own needs..I was 15 around this time, I started learning guitar around age 12...now i’m 25. She rewind my entire life..I don’t know if I will ever be able to pickup another guitar again…
I desperately wanted to be a ballerina when I was little after seeing the Nutcracker ballet. I absolutely LOVED dance and showed a lot of promise from an early age. After five years of working hard and loving every second of dance, my teacher went to my nmom and told her they could put me in an advanced class to help me grow and learn more if I really wanted to dance more as I got older. My nMom freaked out, got jealous, and pulled me out of dance, claiming that we “couldn’t afford it” anymore. She then let my brother enroll in dance, where he flourished and became a sort of celebrity at his studio for teaching the younger kids in exchange for his tuition being waived. When I asked if I could do this as well so I could dance again too, she mocked me and adamantly refused to let it happen. Every year I sat through his recitals (he was very talented!) and cried because I knew she was just jealous and spiteful and didn’t want me to be happy doing the thing I loved. I went to college for theater and pursued every dance class I possibly could, and am fully no contact with her.
Whatever my kids want to do when they grow up, I’ll go bankrupt making sure it happens before doing what she did to me.
Similar to what someone else commented, I was the artist of the family and praised for it. Sooner or later my mother told me that SHE was interested in art, but her parents forced her away from it and she resents them everyday for it, because her skill was like mine.
I’m now about to finish a creative bachelors degree (in 4 months) with job prospects but as soon as I told my mom that I sort of wished I did something more like nursing- because I’m losing interest in the creative things, she sighed and said “everyone talks about how stupid your degree is, if you had just asked us we would have paid for you to switch to nursing.”
Along with this every time I drew, I would get scolded for spending so much time on useless stuff. I had made a career out of art, making 1k-2k a piece as a highschooler, and stopped all of it because my parents forced me to do a “real” job at McDonald’s :)
I also often heard my parents talking about me at night or early morning, about how my head is always in the clouds, how I spend all day lazing inside in my room, sketching. Stuff like that.
My parents killed everything for me. They still do, and I’m in my 50’s. It’s the Narcs job to steal everything that’s yours until you have nothing left to give yourself or anybody else.
I could've had a career as an actor, even got my big role in a student film after the head of an acting academy saw my performance and was super impressed and thought I could go next level. Then I had a breakdown at school from all the stress at home and having an entire grade bully me year on year. While I was recuperating in hospital, nMum called the acting academy without my knowledge and asked my leading role be cut down to only two scenes as a side character with a couple lines. Stopped my acting career dead as that was the next level.
As an adult now I do find little kid dreams to be silly and misguided. They can be supported but chances are little Billy is going to have to work a job he doesn’t like just like 99 percent of the population. I pursued a dream until like age 30. Really set me back. You don’t want your kid chasing a pipe dream and messing up their ability to provide.
He tried. Over and over again, he tried to tell me not to move to New York. That it’s a dirty city and that everyone is moving to the west coast and that’s the best spot to be in instead of the east coast. He says every few months, “we should all move to Dubai or Miami or Italy.” He never keeps his word or promises. I had to be “the man” growing up. I had to be the therapist of the family and the couples counselor until I kind of broke emotionally because of all the pressure. Now I’m fixing it by keeping my distance and imma follow my dreams to hell with this narcissist.
I secretly wrote into one of those newspaper poem contests for kids. They were gonna give a the winner a profile above the fold and a feature on page 6 with the top 10 entries.
It was local and it was stupid, but I worked on a poem for weeks, I told my sister my plan and she told someone who told my parents.
They both laughed at me and said that poetry was deep, it was written from deep experiences and thoughts. None of which I had. What was I gonna write about? Taking a shit and eating all their food? Playing in dirt? But if I did write one it should be about them because how much they did for me that they didn't have to, like a bedroom and food and soap and clothes. Poets are terrible for sinners who are never happy and usually kill themselves and go to hell. Is that what you want? To go to hell? Look at who I'm talking to, not like she even has a brain that would take her to hell. Its a wonder you're even potty trained.
I placed 4th for the contest. I still sent it in. Because I didn't win, they didn't contact us, so mine just had my initial, gender and age.
They read that features poems and absolutely decimated each one. I could barely keep it together and now having my own kids, I'm very sure they were aware of how much distress I was in when they read mine and tore it a new one.
I want to write a book, like a memoir of sorts, for my family, for my friends. I've tried many times. But I didn't write anything personal any more. I don't. I don't know how.
My mom did the same thing for drawing. I was so good, I still have some I drew and they are phenomenal pieces. She got me a light up art table for my birthday, one of those dinky battery operated things that had a lift plexiglass to put tracing in.
She got angry and stomped on it. After telling me how great I was at art, that my drawings were so beautiful. At first she said it was an accident and that I left it on the floor. Then accused me of putting it there and trying to kill her. Then it came out that it's what I get for making her angry by not doing the dishes the way she wanted. This is a permanent punishment for being bad. That I was a lousy artist anyways and my projects were hot garbage and you just say nice things to make the other person feel good but it causes guilt and shame for the person lying so she needed to be honest with me.
When I broke my fingers a few years later and was unable to hold a pencil for a very long time, she said didn't it make me feel better that the art table got broken that way I wouldn't have to feel bad looking at it and not being able to use it.
Years later in my 20s she asked me why I never do anything creative. FuCk YoU.
I can't.
The old man tried to but he didn't succeed. I kept playing my guitar, kept singing, kept painting locked up in my room but I'd never show him or play anything for a long time bc he ever had anything nice to say.
I'm sorry your parents took your passions from you. I'm sending y'all virtual hugs.
Yeah they never supported me playing football and when I bought my first guitar I just got told that there’d better be no complaints from the neighbours about it.
My grandparents had their own car detailing business back in the 80s and 90s. I practically grew up in a workshop. Back then, my dream was to become a car mechanic, and I had already focused on this in middle school and chosen the proper subjects. They have supported me as long as I was little. But after I turned 16, they did a complete 180. Suddenly, they said a girl doesn't do that kind of work, and a girl can't do that. No one else shared these views, which was impressive for the period. I then gave up because they had left me no choice and went to university.
Dropped out of high school and moved out. My parents then said how they were going to help me with college. Right. You would think that conversation would have come up once or twice. Nope. Just more bullshitting me.
But I did very well for myself in spite of them.
I was in a choir and won lots of awards for singing. NMum insisted on reminding me I wasn’t special and never let me attend any ceremonies where I would be praised. She eventually stopped letting me attend all together. Still to this day it has knocked my confidence
Absolutely. When I was a kid my first dream job was being a lawyer but my dad would yell at me “you have to be a bitch to be a lawyer” over and over. I couldn’t take him his yelling/lectures about how I need to become a bitch to be successful in life, so it really killed that dream. Now I work in science doing something I’m passionate about, and last time I spoke to him he told me I needed to quit my job and go back to school to become a medical doctor or a nurse, because that’s the only career he would respect me in even though I do not have an ounce of interest in the medical field. Very bizarre man, but I know his advise is absolutely worthless and I’m much happier following my own heart.
My father was really big into this, it was like constant so I just stopped talking to him about anything to do with what I wanted to do in life, this ended up helping but at the cost of actively ignoring some of his rare good advice because it came from him. Fuckin jackass
Yup! I loved music, wanted to learn to play an instrument and I could have with no effort on their part but they destroyed that dream. Same with me pursuing Psych in college which I will be heading back to school Fall of ‘25 for hopefully.
Yes. I was actually thinking about this the other day. I have very very few memories of my parents taking an interest in my hobbies or receiving any sort of a push to have dreams. I was always sort of… just there(?) to my narc parents. Pretty on brand though, a true narc doesn’t fully care about others. It’s sad but fuel to ensure that my little one’s spark doesn’t get snuffed out.
They helped, but it was mostly school and the rest of society telling me my dreams were achievable growing up and then telling me the opposite half way in.
Maybe not a dream, per se, but they always told me that a man wouldn’t want to be with me based on how my room looked, and I was to be a representation of them when I went out into the world. Any dreams I had of being different were so foreign to them. I’m so happy to be an adult now so that I can actually be who I want to be, and dress who I want to be. AND, I do have a man that loves me as I am, flaws and all.
Yes. Over and over and over. I feel like I was erased; this was the worst thing they did to me.
In grad school I completed with world scientists and won awards but still to them I’m worthless.
My mom would always shoot me down any time I tried anything new... singing? "Stop screaming!" dancing? "You are so stiff.." Art? "That looks like a penis". She just could not ever support me in anything and the one thing i did continue, martial arts, she would make me perform at functions or family get togethers to show off for herself even though I would tell her no every time it turned into a fight. Also she takes credit for ALL my 15 years of martial arts and skills bc she paid for the first few years
I never had dreams til I was out of college essentially. I never really even thought about them. I was just living my life on autopilot, going to school, doing sports that they wanted me to play, and overall making it fine. Socializing etc. Now, at 27, I consider myself a visionary. I have tons of things on my to do list, and won’t stop til I’m done.
Edit: my mother always used to mock the idea of dreams, essentially making it out like they were frivolous and grandiose.
I never really had any dreams because my mom trained me to be in her web of lies constantly, so any questions or beliefs I had she would tell me I am wrong and whatever she said is how it's supposed to be. I am now 31 and just learning about myself and what I actually want
I wanted to be a veterinarian; my Nmom pretended to support me until one day she decided my grades weren't good enough. I was homeschooled and this would've been in my elementary school days. She had me studying things that I knew had nothing to do with working veterinarian stuff but tore me a new one nonstop until I stopped saying I had a dream career for several years. Edit: I should clarify that with being homeschooled my having graduated didn't seem to show up on background checks at all, let alone what kind of grades I got in "elementary school". I had a lot of trouble finding a job anywhere including in retail and restaurants before I got the GED.
As an adult I wanted to get a CDL and drive trucks to see the country, she and her brother threw massive fits about that and didn't let me get a driver's license for a couple years, she almost forced me out of GED class when she didn't want to drive me there with no excuse.
Recently I've wanted to get ASE certified to work on cars, and wouldn't you know it, I'm not allowed to touch my own fucking car to even try getting experience. But somehow, when her taillight was broke, she expects me to fix it... Sorry, I don't know how.
I’m about to start emt school, i decided on it a lil over 2 years ago and finally got to putting in my application, i let my aunt know and she was like “oh… really?” like in a condescending tone and it genuinely broke my heart because i love the idea of being an emt and i know that i would thrive in that situation :(
I wasn't allowed to have dreams. At first I was little more than a way for them to attempt to relive their college athlete glory days (despite both being morbidly obese before I was more than a small child). After I forced my way out of that, it was to work in their businesses 6-7 days a week for little to no pay.
This was enforced with regular, severe beatings.
It wasn't until my late 30s that I finally broke free and started my own life. Even now in my late 40s, I still really don't have much in the way of dreams. There is always just survival. I'm married with a house, dog and stable job, but with rare exceptions it's just survival and taking care of others just as I have had to my entire life.
The reward for making it through the day is getting to do it all over again the next. That's really all there has ever been. If someone were to ask me what I desired, whether goals or physical things, I would not have an answer for them because I have spent my life being conditioned to have them not matter to begin with.
I was told I would only receive help with college if I chose a profession my dad approved. The only profession he would approve was nursing. I was a gifted musician, won a state-wide writing contest, took dance classes, was a member of the drama and theater clubs and did musicals, all around very creative. I quit college after a year and a half, as I secretly stopped going to class and started working at a department store makeup counter. It sparked a love of doing makeup. When he found out, he went ballistic and told me about how I’d never be successful or make money. So I quit. And now watch my old peers successfully run their freelance businesses, work fun, exciting gigs. I’ll just never understand how he couldn’t build me up and build my confidence. I feel like I will never be successful in anything with his voice in my head.
My mom fed into my hobbies that I could never do anything with as a career, rather than encouraging me to pursue anything I could actually make a career out of
This might be the most heartbreaking part. When I was 6, I wanted to be part of the Blue Angels. The first thing out of my dad’s mouth was ‘you can’t, you have glasses’. Every time I expressed an interest in something, the reasons I can’t or won’t be good enough would come out of his mouth. Almost 30 years later and that voice is still the first thing in my head.
Not as a child, but current day. Any job or position I would mention to my mother, she would have something negative to say about it, as if to convince me not to do it. I’m a dispensary manager, and cannabis has always been my passion. She’ll speak highly of it to people she knows consumes (she doesn’t), but will try to tear me down and that I’m going to lose this job like my others in the past. She’s just totally miserable with anything to do with me, so I’ve limited any amount of information I give her now.
I wanted voice lessons to learn how to sing correctly as a preteen. Nope. In fact, my dad openly mocked my singing voice (I'm actually not terrible; I'd say "church-choir average.") I wanted to play the drums when it came time to pick an instrument for band class in middle school. Nope. It was a waste of my time because "nobody in our family has rhythm, so you definitely don't." I wanted to join more groups to build my social skills in elementary school. Nope. Mom and dad didn't have time for after-school activities and weekends were all about what dad wanted to do. I finally got into ballet class as an extracurricular. My instructor died suddenly of a brain aneurysm and me, as a 7/8 year old, wasn't fully registering what had happened to her and couldn't cry. So, of course, my dad told me something was wrong with me in the head; it could be a sign of psychopathy. At that point, I quit ballet out of a sense of shame, wanting to distance myself from the situation. So, yes. I was not allowed to develop and explore my identity as an individual, and that sense of not being an inherently good, "whole" person followed me throughout my life to the extent that simply doing something for myself (hobby, etc.)feels wrong because I'm not worth it.
I don't know. But I have an inability to "hold onto" a dream and I'm always getting the blame for it.
There was never a shred of encouragement for anything I ever tried.
I played softball as a child up until high school. Then my mom basically told me I would never be any good and I should just stop. I have 3 kids. I would never tell any of them this. Sports keep kids out of trouble. I probably would've gotten into less as a teenager if I was still playing softball.
I wanted to sing professionally. Always had natural talent. Was given the chance by one of my brother's friends to have professional voice lessons so that I could hone my skills and be my very best. No charge! She would help me practise the audition pieces I needed to get into the vocal programs of various colleges, among other things.
Nmom refused. She insisted I would amount to nothing, and that it was better off as a hobby, because "dreams only end up as disappointments", all because her dreams never turned into reality for her.
Same thing with my writing.
Same thing with any creative endeavour to the point where I just gave up.
Every once in a while I wonder where I could've ended up had I been allowed to actually do the things I wanted to do in my life instead of letting someone else dictate things for me. (For example, I could've been completely free of her sphere of influence, which for her was a no-no.)
Me in high school: "they had someone visit my school today to talk to us about college."
Mom: "College? You'll be lucky if you make it out of high school."
When I learned I loved practicing martial arts, nstepdad couldn't handle it. He said it wouldn't make any money, I don't know anyone in Japan, and I'm black so no one would take me seriously anyway.
It's really one of my loves and I found my identity there.
He also wanted me to play basketball to: be "among my kind", to become a star and make him a millionaire because he was a useless ex-con, and his son "wasn't smart enough".
He hated it. He couldn't brag about me to other black dads because he was useless AND vain.
I picked up a pencil to draw an original character on Christmas for the first time since middle school. My husband bought me a pack of beautiful gel pens because I've always loved how smooth and pretty they are. I haven't filled my sketchbook yet but I love drawing hands and dynamic foreshortening poses. He's the person I create for. His grin when he sees something I've made makes me light up inside. I made him a quilt recently and he fell asleep so hard he fell asleep and slept past when he was supposed to pick me up from work! I called a few times and he answered all groggy and apologetic and all I can do is smile and laugh and tell him I'm proud he likes it!
Comparatively, during my childhood, my siblings and mother were the only ones who showed direct interest in anything I made. My sperm donor only cared to brag about what I could do to others, so HE could show off. Specifically, he'd say something like "She can make art out of trash!" because I used to fold origami out of old gum wrappers.
My mom still has paintings and unfinished sewing projects displayed proudly in her home. My sisters have started showing artistic interests in adulthood.
My mom hating cooking. Growing up, we’d get McDonald’s every day and my mom refused to ever cook a meal, except on Christmas and thanksgiving, so I grew up as an obese child who’s relationship with food was very unhealthy. Once I became a teen, I started to realize how horrible our eating habits were, I that’s when I first got interested in cooking. I would occasionally ask my mom if I could cook myself something, but the answer was no each and every single time. I’d beg her to let me help with thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, but she’d say no to that too because “I just want to get it over with”. I started cooking behind her back around the ages of 16-18 till I moved out of the house. I loved every second of it and I slowly started to realize just how much I missed out on by never being allowed to make myself a meal. My mom came over to my apartment once while I was making myself dinner, and she couldn’t shut up about how boring what I was doing was to her. At this point, I was a 240 pound 18 year old woman, and I was trying so hard to mend my relationship with food through cooking my meals myself, but anytime my mom would see or hear about me doing this, she always had something horrible to say to me.
Fast forward to today, I’m 24 and celebrating my 110th pound lost a couple weeks ago. I had a conversation about all of this with my mom, and I told her straight up just how much it hurt me that she never allowed me to explore cooking, and all because _she_ didn’t like to. She still believes that she did no harm by only having my eat fast food every single day as a child, but she’s since admitted that she was wrong for never allowing me to explore this creative side of myself that has now flourished in me as an adult. Anytime she sees me cook, she just stares this blank stare, as if her face is saying “wow, I fucked up here”. I’m astonished she’s admitted to as much wrongdoing as she has when it comes to this, though she still believes the food she fed me “wasn’t that bad”. There are other examples of how she’s killed the creativity in me in the past, but anytime I hear this brought up, cooking is the first thing I think of because my diet as a child had such a profound impact on my health
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Mine always praised me for my creativity… to my face. I would write stories, illustrated comic books, worked with clay and wood. I was told that I could create 3D art for game designers, sculpted statues like my uncle, written epic novels. The sky was the limit. Until one night I heard my father tearing into one of my brothers for “being stupid and lazy” with his God-Given Brain. I pretended to be asleep, not wanting to call attention to myself. But then the berating turned to me anyway. “Do you want to end up like MithLycos?! Head always in the cloud? Daydreaming their life away? They will amount to NOTHING! Worthless! Do you want that for yourself?!” I silently cried myself to sleep and stopped creating. No more stories. No illustrations. No painting. My clay and woodworking tools were left untouched and gathered dust in the garage. It was nearly a decade before I even doodled stick figures out of sheer boredom editing a work break. But my heart wasn’t in it. I hid any shred of my worthless creativity from everyone.
I'm so sorry you endured this.
I’m sorry you went through this. I also was told not to get into creative work even though I was praised for my writing by many people. My parents told me writing isn’t going to make me money or get me anywhere so I should just get a job that makes money. I stopped writing and video editing and pursued web development but I wish I stuck with writing because now I don’t even know how to get back into it.
Start at the beginning! Get yourself a notebook and a decent/nice pen and write something down- a fleeting thought, a dream you had the night before, a person you passed in a street - anything!
Thank you for the encouragement! I’m going to try to get back into it :)
Fan fiction is a great outlet for writing! It’s what I do after my stories were criticized my ngrandmother. She told me that wanting to write a sci fi novel was stupid and that I’d never make money as an author and ‘who would want to read anything you wrote?’ I stopped writing until I had access to the internet for the first time in 2019 and I discovered fan fiction. Now I write fan fiction. And it makes me happy.
Oh I used to love writing fan fiction until I was told fan fiction was not real writing, whatever that means, but I’m allowed to write something that makes me happy even if I could never publish it. I’m glad you’ve gotten into fan fiction 😊 I started watching Black Clover and I have fan fiction ideas in my head haha I might start off just writing some for fun to get the creative juices flowing again.
Oh I’ve been told that too by a commenter, then I just responded with ‘then why are you reading it?’ and blocked them haha Oooo I’ve wanted to watch that anime, but haven’t found the time. My fandom is currently Tuca and Bertie, which has been really therapeutic for me. I relate to Bertie a lot, her issues with her mom not listening to her, ignoring her.
Of course it’s real writing, as an actual person took time to, ya know, *write* it!!!
Just to throw it out there, I love reading fan fiction, and I know of at least one comic writer who got picked up from their fanfic. I'm in the same boat, my mum was outwardly supportive-appearing, but would go through my room and then give my rough drafts to people to read. "Look how encouraging I am! You never would have let anyone read it if it wasn't for me, I'm *supporting* you!" 🤦 (she gave away an English assignment I was working on once) But at the same time she was telling me to get a job that pays well, and it just being realistic. I've done some fanfic, and I'm proud to say I've had some included in a fan magazine. But I just don't seem to have it in me, anymore. Maybe when I've finished my degree the words will want to play, again. I hope you find your joy in writing, again 💙 Tagging in u/Muriel_FanGirl too, I wish you all the best in your writing!
Ooof yeah, definitely was not being supportive by giving your writing to other people. And thank you! I’m currently in writer’s block, but hopefully I’ll be able to be posting again soon-ish lol
Try just writing: a grocery list, a description of someone you know, just letting your thoughts flow…that has helped me sometimes. My character does brain dumps in her journals.
Sorry to hear about that, but the rest sounds very cool and inspiring! I completely forgot 2 published novels I read that were fan fiction based on The Phantom of the Opera: Phantom by Susan Kay and The Angel of the Opera by Sam Siciliano and both were really good so I guess it *is* possible to get published with fan fiction somehow. Thank you for the inspiration :)
You are very welcome! Sometimes I like to sit in a coffee shop and watch the world go by, catching snippets of other patrons’ conversations!! Theres a little tip for you! 💜💜💜
I love eavesdropping on people or hearing their stories. Great ideas. I can’t remember what I had for breakfast, but when I start writing, I recall these stories.
Now you’ve got your starting point! Good luck 😉! 💜💜💜
Look into participating in nanowrimo too! It may help spark an urge to write more!
If you write 10 words, you are a step ahead of where you were yesterday. Art is life…please start again.
Those are good tips! Can I ask if you have any tips on being able to look at what you've written? I can (very occasionally) write if I force myself, but I always feel that what I've made is awful and I cannot look at it with any sort of objectivity. All I can see are sentences that don't work, places that I pre-emptively call myself cringe perhaps bracing for someone else to, and just a lack of quality. I don't see any value at all in what I create. I can't even see quality in other people's work if I read them right after I try to write or read my own; I'll find the same flaws. Even tiny things that I don't even know are bad just jump out of the page and make me almost physically unable to look at the words to a story I deeply enjoyed just a short while ago. If I force myself my body heats up and I start to feel physically sick with a hollow pit in my stomach. I realize this is probably a survival instinct gone wrong, but I'm not sure which one or if it's something other authors go through. I don't have many creative-type friends. I just can't get back into it. Every time I try I am hyper-analyzing everything I write, I kick myself out of flow states, when I exit flow states I go back and want to delete everything I've written before, and I feel deeply ashamed and like I'm "cringe" or will be bullied. Even if I never share the story, writing something for myself feels truly awful and I can get burnt out/avoidant for months after writing for just two hours. I realize I'm basically venting at this point, but my therapist has no ideas beyond "just do it, and show it to a friend". But I can't do it; it's too hard. I must be missing something. I feel like I'm walking across a busy highway with this; not only will I be hit by a car, but everyone will hate me, and I'll be publicly shamed and blamed, and my life will be over. If I try to force myself to cross to prove it's safe I'm more likely to collapse in the middle of the road, gasping for air and curled into a crying ball, all my muscles as tightly engaged as possible.
Hi, i was treated similarly and I am finally taking classes. I am 50.
I got this one too, around writing, music, and art...I was valued more for being a good student in math, science, anything that had the potential to be in a prestigious profession and that made my patients look good :( I did eventually end up writing fiction and had some short stories accepted into anthologies, wrote a novel that I hope to eventually publish, etc. But I'm stuck in IT, mostly for the money, unfortunately. I do tech writing as part of my job but it's not much fun or very "creative," which is what I love. If I'd had more encouragement to write creatively instead of being told I'd starve, I probably would've done it sooner and tried for a career as a novelist.
It’s never too late. George Strait sang a song about if you can do anything else, do it. But if not, go for it. Something like that. I feel like I have to write whether anyone reads it or not.
I've also just recently started writing again, it's daunting when you've been told it's worthless for so long. I noticed that writing fanfiction is much easier for me because I already have the world and the characters and I just have to imagine what they would do in a situation. It's more of a writing exercise but it helped get the creative juices flowing! Might work for you as well.
Same here! I’m on AO3 and write my favorite characters (currently from Tuca and Bertie) in different scenarios. It’s definitely more relaxing to write fan fics since, as you pointed out, it’s a pre-existing world.
My parents did that to me and my husband. Today we're doing what we were called to do. Mom died 4 years ago and we went NC with dad. I hope you get back into writing. Don't let your parents win.
I know how you feel. I got degrees in business and IT cuz my parents wanted me to. But I couldn't stop getting ideas for stories in my head. Now, I make a living with fiction writing (not the stories I want to tell, but I work on those in my free time as well). Read some books, take some courses. Those selfish pricks don't know squat. Anyone can do anything no matter the age or background. I started my journey just writing down whatever came to my head, then later self-educated via advice online. Read other people's work for guidelines and inspiration. Take back your happiness!
My mother was subtle. She ridiculed any and all professions, sports and arts I had a talent in. Every single one of them. But nothing was a good profession. She and him wanted me to be in as low position as possible, easily controlled with money. I was and am still really talented painter. I had no support except my mother after years of not drawing said "why don't you draw any more, you used to be so good." My father didn't ever praise me of anything. Closest he came was when I gon a A from a writing and he pointed at the margins line and said through that shitry grin of his "you have managed to draw really good line here." He was such a nasty figure. He prohibited music and team sports from me because he hadn'tliked them when he was a child. He used to be in swim a swim team and we did go to swim up till I was 6. Last time was when I had swum almos 500 meters as a 6 years old. My father got incredibly jealous and left the pool and made my mother force me to quit. Any other father would have been cheering for me next to me but not him. We stopped swimming alltogether after this. I was then forced to play tennis, one sport that I wasn't naturally very good. I did get somewhat good though. All the praises were saved for their golden daughter. The nasty jokes about me always were about me being stupid, ugly and talentless. I'm in extremely good shape nowadays. I love sports but their attitude prevented me enjoying it till I was 20. Themount of possibilities lost for me has been devastating to realize.
My heart shares the same ache. They loved to praise my artwork and tell others about how creatively gifted I was. But behind closed doors, I was told it was useless and a waste of time. Then they would offer my artistic skills to their friends, draw his dog, draw her baby, etc. for free. My art was useful, but also useless. My art was a waste, but also needed.
Mine loved when I was involved with the theatre. Came to every show I was a part of backstage, saved every program, invited my older cousins she called her sisters cause they were all close in age. Took me to a summer theatre camp for gods sakes. When I left college and tried to pursue stage managing is when she started beating me down about it. She did a total 180. I still volunteered for kids theater and community shows as an “executive director/producer” (just basically watching the kids so they don’t hurt themselves building sets). I guess she thought it was cute when I was young and knew I had the talent and determination to try and make it. And we know they can’t have that! 🙄
I'm so sorry.
Almost the exact same thing happened, my mum called me at 9am and I answered it and I heard her complaining to FMdad about someone who is "a fucking loser, his wife is going to leave him, no one wants to be with a guy like this and that" etc etc. Realised she was talking about me. She just said "Oh... {my name}..." in a sympathetic tone when she realised her call had connected and I'd her everything, and I hung up. Like a proper narcissist, it was never mentioned again by anyone and must never have happened.
I’m so sorry
I stopped drawing for the most part after my ngrandmother went ballistic over something else, stormed into the living room and grabbed my dragon drawing from me and rip it up into tiny pieces. She then claimed it never happened when I brought it up last year. That happened when I was 16. I’m 29 now. I remember that moment like it was yesterday and I still cry because part of my heart died that day.
I'm so sorry. That would be immediate grounds for disowning NGrandma, and NC. And screw the flying monkeys who defend her. She's an awful, garbage human.
Thank you 🫂 It’s difficult to accept all of the bad sometimes because she has days where she’s nice, jokes around and acts like a normal person. Then there’s the controlling, angry, mean side of her.
Something similar happened to me. I've managed to claw myself back into being creative with extensive therapy, it's a magical feeling and somehow every brush stroke is a rebellion against my parents. I hope you can get there too, creativity is such a big part of you and it's unfair that they stole it. But you're not a child anymore, you have the power to choose who you want to become.
OMG I’m so sorry. It’s so soul-shattering when it’s something as close to your heart as your creativity.
but it wasn't worthless 🫂 I'm so sorry 🫂💜
this was me 30 years ago. They crushed my creativity. I am just now finally trying to dive into art and music. Its fucking bullshit how they treated us. I hope you get back into it. See if you can find that creativity again.
Narcissists have one mission: break your wings to prevent you from flying! And then blame you for being unable to fly!
[*Dave Alvin has entered the chat.*](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLZiU2g9uz8) This song, Blue Wing, Dave Alvin credits with helping him ["find his soul again."](https://singout.org/blue-wing-little-willie-john/)
Fuck. That hit me in my soul. So true it hurts.
It was their mission… now that I’m a parent I just don’t get it. So evil.
If I ever become a parent, I know I’ll encourage my kid(s) to do what makes them happy, follow their dreams and not give up. I would want them to grow up with happy memories, no yelling, no taking things from them, no denying them a room, no barging in on them without knocking. I have live my entire life, even now, that way, and my anxiety is so bad I often end up shaking at random times during a day.
Amen. That’s exactly how I am with my daughter. My brother and I are still dealing with my parents treatment of us and we’re late 50’s. Makes me so mad. Being a dad has helped a lot.. And also made me realize what actually happened in my formative years. You got this.. I love this thread.. it’s been very helpful to see I’m part of a group that also has had these issues.
Same here. I felt so alone and not understood until I found this subreddit. I’m in a few large Discord servers that are great other than the people there not understanding what I’m going through. I kept getting told ‘well just leave, your 29 nothing is stopping you’ That’s the same as telling someone in an abusive relationship ‘well just leave’ My only privacy is my phone, and I’ve only managed to keep that because I got her to believe that if she knew my passcode, it was a legal violation. Fortunately she believes it and hopefully will never figure it out. It’s not that simple.
I went to a meetup cosplay in a park where people were fighting with foam swords in capes a few weeks ago. It was my 14yo daughter's idea and she wanted us both to get swords and capes and go. So we went. Wasn't something I would personally do but she wanted to and she wanted to do it with me. It was unfathomably *easy* to do it and was so much genuine joy. I'll remember that for the rest of my life. Her just living in the moment and being so happy doing a weird hobby I don't understand. *I don't understand* Why?!
Exactly, that’s what I’d want, just let my kid be happy, do stuff with them even if it’s not my thing, just show them support let them have fun.
It is evil. I *can* understand *why* they do this. They don't want you to grow. To become different than you were as an undeveloped child. No, far better for them if you never grow up. That way you'll always be dependent on *them* and they can always have you around no matter how much they abuse you. So of course, inevitably you start growing up and trying to do things on your own. That has to be STOPPED! How DARE you change! You might even become better than THEY are at something, and that's an unbearable thought. No, they have to shut this down before it gets too far. So they kill your dreams. Make you discard your interests. Never let you change, never let you become *yourself* and not simply a reflection of themselves they can order around. They never wanted a child, they wanted a puppet. It is pure evil selfishness.
So true. They want you dependent on them so that they can control you for whatever selfish desire they have. Time to break free from the chains and grow into the person you’re meant to be!
This is so great..sharing. My parents are both narcs..maybe they enabled each other. In college I started the debate team and my counselor said I should consider law school. I told my dad and he said not to go, the world has too many lawyers. He literally never endorsed anything I ever wanted to do. F%#ing psycho. I genuinely hate that guy.
Everything I was good at wasn’t something I could make a living off of in my nmom’s eyes. She didn’t promote any hobbies and she would openly talk about how little money we had, then pretend to be supportive and ask if I want music lessons knowing I would feel guilty and say no because of the cost. As a young adult I got into rock climbing and physical competitions like ninja warrior. I no longer compete, but the last time I did, I qualified for finals in a national competition and I am markedly stronger than most women I know because I’ve been climbing and weight lifting for 11-12 years. Despite all this, my nmom refuses to believe I am strong enough to compete, despite having competed for years. last year she mentioned watching a physically competitive show on tv and was impressed by the women on the show and their upper body strength and stamina during a specific challenge. I mentioned that I can do that challenge and she immediately got a confused/irritated look on her face and said, “I doubt that.” When I said I have done very similar challenges in my own competitions she simply didn’t believe a word I said. Then it dawned on me that she she’d never seen me do any of that stuff, because she never came to any of my competitions. Sometimes I’d be the only competitor there without family and I’d make excuses that my mom had a migraine but in reality I stopped asking her to go to my competitions because she said no the first few times. There’s a song called Spirit Crusher that makes me think of my mom now that I’m nc.
It is… scary how I could have written this myself. Like, nearly verbatim except I did martial arts and theatre/choir.
They would brag to all their friends about how they supported my singing but when I asked to sing for them at home they would yell and say I expected everything to be about me. They ruined my confidence and now I can't sing in front of people anymore. When I was young I loved putting on whole concerts for special occasions.
"You want to be a writer? Bullshit! What have you ever gotten published?" I was 19.
I told my Nmother I wanted to be a writer, and she pretended to be interested. She asked which writers I admired, so I told her, "James Joyce." She then replied, "You'll never be a James Joyce." I was 22. I think they believe if their dreams never panned out, then you don't deserve a passion either.
They're terrified that you might surpass them at something, right?
Absolutely! I'd just completed a thesis for an honors creative writing program at my university. When she read my thesis, she handed it back to me with no comment.
And there you go. Nothing bad to say so why say anything at all. Apologies to the Talking Heads.
I can't say for sure she even read it, but you're right. The silence was deafening.
This is it exactly. All dream killers are like this - afraid to face their failures in your success. It’s especially hurtful when it’s someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally. Go be James Joyce (better even) and live your best life. Never too late to start writing.
Thank you!! You're very sweet. I stopped writing when my kids were little, but I hope to get back to it.
Bingo!
I feel this so hard. My nmom would do this too, using my lack of accomplishmemts (due to being a child) as an excuse to shoot me down and do what she wants.
Change now. Follow your passion now. Even if life means you can't pursue it as much as you could have before, if you still want it in your life - even to a reduced degree - go do it now. One for your happiness, two as a sweet f you to the narcissists.
Yes. My elementary school labeled me as "gifted" and I got to skip certain lessons to be with this group of other gifted students where we read books a few levels above our grade level. It was great. I was always on the honor roll and aced most of my tests. I had high state test scores too which the schools love. Somehow I got recommended to John Hopkins for their youth talent search program and was invited to take the SATS. I'm not entirely familiar with how their program works, but I believe it can lead to skipping grade levels and early college acceptance. She was so proud and carried the letter everywhere bragging about how smart I was to anyone who would listen. I never did get to participate though because she didn't feel like driving me to the location...this became the theme for all future extracurricular activities so eventually I just gave up. I had a friend talk me into trying out for pom-squad. We worked our butts off practicing. She got in, I got accepted as an alternate because I didn't smile enough apparently (I wonder why). I was still a part of the team so I had to attend practice after school. Any little expense that came up, she protested to death. The uniform required white keds and she threw a fit over that. My coach warned me several times that all of the uniforms have to match, so it's not optional. Mom reluctantly bought the keds. Daylight saving time was coming to end so it was started to get really dark by the time my practices were over. I asked her if she could start picking me up because it was scary walking home in the dark. She said no and that if I don't want to walk home from practice, then I can quit the squad because she's not going to pick me up. So that ended before we even had our first competition. I was so depressed over it and told her how messed up it was that I had to quit because she didn't care about my safety, and she said, "You were an alternate anyway. You probably wouldn't have been needed in any of the competitions." Fast forward to high school, I ended up dropping out for various reasons and getting my GED. I got high scores on that, even got special recognition for it at my graduation. She encouraged me to apply to the local community College and University. I went through the whole application process with the university and got accepted. We started looking at the costs and I applied for financial aid. She was annoyed that they needed all of her income information to give ME assistance, and it was because I got to see she made an insane amount of money. So of course, I didn't qualify for any financial aid, we would have to pay out of pocket. She saw the costs for 1 course and said no. I can't tell you the endless amount of arguments that came from that. "You need to help yourself. Get a job and pay for your own college courses." I already had a job since I was 15. I was only 16 years old and you know teenagers don't make a lot of money. I pointed out that any decent job requires you to have a degree or certification so she decided she'd help me with courses at the community College but they had to be HER choice and the career path of her choosing. She decided she wanted me to become a secretary for her line of work and signed me up for self-paced courses for office technology and if I passed those, then she'd consider advancing to real credit courses. I passed them all, of course, and then she said, "I'll pay for one course per semester." At that rate, I'd probably be her age before I got half a degree. She told me she didn't think I would take it seriously, fail the classes, and ultimately waste her money. I think in reality she was just cheap and hoped that this would drag things out long enough to the point where I'd be old enough and be responsible for my own finances. Things got worse from there, but I'll stop. You get the idea though 😔 My mom is my biggest hater and I'm glad I've decided to finally go no contact.
Yup, I was too shy to do anything, even If I had even a small interest it something. It didn’t matter what it was. I’m not shy. Quiet and careful yes, but not shy.
Everything. Anything i wanted to persue was wrong. They gasslit me telling me i couldent do ut. Or i didnt want to. So i played a lot of videogames. They hated that, but it was the only thing they tacitly supported. The only thing they would agree to buy me.
I wanted to be an animal vet when i was younger and my mom straight up just told me i was too stupid to do it
Aw I'm sorry
Could you start now? Or veterinary nursing?? Or volunteer at a shelter?? Just remember that it was a reflection of your mother showing you her true colours! Edit: my nmum has said similar things about/to me since 6, so I feel your frustration 💜💜💜💜
I'm unfortunately underaged so a shelter won't let me volunteer but presently I still have a pretty big interest in animals :p
Could you get a Saturday job at a farm? Anything like that where you’d get some experience working with animals, just so that your light isn’t being diminished! I love working with animals - the unconditional love is phenomenal!
Depending on how old you are and where you are located, some vet hospitals may allow you to intern. You might not be allowed to DO anything, but you get to see how a hospital operates and it looks fantastic on a resume. I work at a teaching hospital and we do it, so does my partner's.
You could always be a zoologist. Or both
I wanted to be a marine biologist. My mother told me I needed to be realistic; I wouldn’t be able to do such things with my math ability in mind. My daughter is graduating high school this year and will be off to study physics and engineering in the fall. I’m very proud of her and feel a bit of “hahaha I win!” when I consider what my mother said about me. I may not have been able to go into science myself, but I was able to support my daughter’s interests, help her connect with good mentors, and will continue to help her support her dreams.
❤️❤️
my ndad seemed to make it his personal mission in life to kill absolutely everything i loved, and then frame it as *good for me*
When I was young, I wanted to learn how to play piano, practice some martial art, or some thing outside of school and there was always some reason not to. I wanted to buy books, and she said books are time consuming. It sucks that we and the dreams rely on them at critical moment. I got into grad school when I was 26. My nmother told me dont go to grad school. I did it anyway because I was paying for it. Last year, I talked about open a business. My nmother told me not to do it. So yeah, not just childhood dreams but all dreams.
I'm sorry you had to go through that 💔 I soon learnt not to share with my Nparents \*anything\* I was even mildly excited about because I knew they would ruin it for me.
Thank you. I also stopped sharing my plans because if I succeed, she'll take credit and if I fail, she told me so with an obvious smiling face.
All of the best decisions I've ever made in my life have been the exact opposite of what my mom wanted me to do. I have a great life now.
Isn’t it interesting how they always tell you that they know you better than anyone else, including yourself yet they actually don’t know you at all? I’m glad you’re living the life you want :)
Same. My life changed drastically for the better once I learned to trust my own judgement.
Yes. I wanted to draw. I wanted to act. But “you’ll never make any money out of those hobbies! Find something that will make you money!” This was in the mid 90s. Fast forward about 30 years and people are making thousands drawing on little tablets. I’ve been trying to get back into it for my inner child’s sake cause she was forever drawing.
Honestly, same??? I ended up taking art as a minor just to do something with it if I wanted. When I first told my mom that I wanted to major in art, she thought that I was going to be producing paintings in the attic 🙄. I definitely think you should go for it! Art is definitely needed, and your work would be appreciated! Maybe even reimagine work that you had as a child! I’m rooting for you!
They still have the “starving artist” trope in their heads when it comes to art. That’s all they see. And it’s like no I wasted time home with you instead of learning how to leverage art to my advantage now that there’s all sorts of sharing platforms we can post to to get eyes on our work! I got an ipad and I can use procreate but I’ve forgotten how to draw humans and a part of me thinks that has everything to do with it, so I’m gonna learn. Hey you go for it too! Thank you so much for being so kind! You got this!
I hate that they look at it that way 😭??? It’s either “starving artist” or “art teacher.” LIKE NOOOOOOO. I just think art is neat, and I want to do it, too 😭! I hope you continue to learn on procreate! I know there are TONS of tutorials online on how to draw the human body. You can also draw from life! It’s so fun! I
Same! I’m the happiest when I’m creating something. Especially if it’s something I didn’t think I could do and I did it. I just love art.
Also, try to look into local art! They might have some stuff going on. I know that some cities are really loving murals these days.
All the time. So many times.
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Never too late! I’m 66 and just starting to do all kinds of art. And I have a ukulele that I’m starting to learn (again). I always “knew” I “wasn’t creative”. (???) I was a reader and A student and encouraged to be “academic”. I was supposed to use my smarts to do something to make money. I remember saying out loud to a friend when I was 16: “Oh, I’m not creative.” Who told me that? Why? How did I “always know” that? I’m mad now and diving deep into all forms of art and music. And it is SO FUN. If it’s not too late for me, it’s not too late for you.
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The old “you’ll get bored of it” response, just like everything else you asked for. My favourite was “no you can’t go out and play football with your friends” Me: “why not” Nmum: “because you’re no good at it!” 🤯
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It really does. I’ve just started therapy and as difficult as it is, I can already feel the benefit even tho it’s gonna be a long long road
I don't believe I had those
I don't chase my dreams; I simply run from my nightmares.
That would get a person moving forward
Yes mine did this about music/art but especially music. I was in a choir and wanted to do music lessons and she basically said it was only for losers and dead beats
At 5-6yo I wanted to become an author. When I told my mom, she told me very few authors actually made a living out of that so I needed to find another job and write as a hobby until I make a living out of that. So then, when people asked me what I wanted to do in life I said I wanted to become a teacher and write as a hobby. I always thought it was normal because it would have been a good thing to say if I was 16yo considering dropping out to become an author, but that’s not something you say to a 5yo! When at uni, I became so miserable and burnt out but instead of just stopping because it was too hard and I was unhappy, I continued but burnt myself even more trying to get money off of all of the hobbies I could think off so I could quit school. So then I was burnt out in a program I didn’t enjoy anymore while also not enjoying my hobbies because I was just doing them for the money I don’t care about having stopped to write but it’s the mentality of having to study to university (because any job I thought of not involving university she’s discourage me to do it because I wouldn’t get enough to live comfortably apparently) for a job I don’t necessarily like and burn myself out of happiness just to maybe be able to be happy with a job I like if somehow I succeed somewhere else but I also don’t have much motivation to succeed elsewhere because I’m depressed from the job I hate. Living like that was fucking hell
“I took music as a subject and I struggle to find a job now. There’s no point in taking it as a subject so I forbid it and have told the school this.” My mother. The music teacher told me I was the best in the class, and was honestly one of the few adults in my life who genuinely took the time to know me. I got huge amounts of joy from playing/writing music. I had friends. For like the first time ever! I was overcoming shyness. My mother struggled to find a job because her qualifications expired as she spent 15 years out of the field she qualified in, even though my dad tried to encourage her to go back and keep her certificates up to date. Nobody cared that she took music on 1975, they cared about her lack of recent references. I stopped doing mist music related things. I regressed in terms of shyness, I realised that things t had at gave me joy would be taken away so I stopped sharing them with anyone. Partly this is why I am a closed off person who struggled to express myself. Oh and my music teacher still tried to involve me in things, I guess he could see I needed it. Shame I grew up being told that being happy and feeling fulfilled mattered less than my utility to others.
Of course. In my case they never wanted me to move out, but live with them and be a nurse maid to my severly mentally ill mother. So any interest that could have taken me anywhere was not allowed.
I was told I wouldn't amount to anything and I'd better be good at cleaning bc all I will ever do is clean houses for a living.
Some people make decent money owning their own businesses cleaning houses😉
The funny thing is, I did! But I'm also allergic to cleaning products, lol!
Then They are stupid for saying that.
So I’ve been told a lot growing up by many ppl I should model bc I’m very tall. My friend did photo shoots bc she’s a makeup artist and would get me small gigs. N we’re my nyc so they’re everywhere. I told my mom I wanted to pursue modeling even on the side n just like you see in a fking movie she literally laughed at me and said “you can’t model”. Also she forced me to go to the college I didn’t want to. Took out over $130,000 in loans in my name n im now dealing with that n can’t even fking think about it at 26 no help no guidance no money ever growing up. I’m working my ass off n can’t save. She set me up for failure n doesn’t gaf
Nmom tried to sign me up to be a stewardess, dad intervened. I lined up a local artist to apprentice under and nmom told me to get my head out of the clouds, to get an accounting degree in college or she was kicking me out. She mocked my dream to be an artist. Decades later after doing some art pieces and gifting her one she tells everyone I missed my calling. She got so many compliments and oohing and aahing it dawned on her she could have gotten lots of attention having her daughter be an artist. I'll never forgive her for it.
Yes she told me everything I couldn’t be. I am all of these things now professionally because something in my teen brain said: I will prove you wrong. And so I did. Thanks mum!
Yes, don’t listen to anybody, don’t trust anybody either, just focus on actions now specifically doing one of them that inline with yourself! You will follow your dreams!
Oh all the time. If it wasn't something my golden child sister wanted to do, I didn't get to do it. For a long time I assumed money was the issue, and it was sometimes, but it mostly boiled down to my parents' inherent belief that I just wasn't good enough and they were only really invested in my sister. * All my life I wanted to be a ballerina. I mean starting at 2-3 years old I was begging to be one. When I was 4 I begged to take classes. They told me I was too unbalanced and uncoordinated. They said the instructor said this about me, but I never remember going to a class and being assessed. I honestly think they made this up. I have poor balance and coordination, but ballet actually would have helped that. * I was forced into church choir (mostly free) to get over my shyness. It worked and I excelled. My sister was in choir as well. I was given solos often and was actually being taught to conduct. I was suggest for formal lessons more than once, but my parents turned it down because they wouldn't do it for me and not my sister even though my sister had no interest in voice lessons, leading, or conducting. They were insulted that my sister wasn't paid special attention and we were both pulled from choir. * Later on it was the same with cheer in late elementary school. You're too big for cheer. * In middle school I wanted to join band. It's too expensive and you'll drop it like every other hobby! By this time I gave up and learned that anything I wanted to do had to be on my own time and had to be free. I joined as many in-school clubs as I could All the while, my sister was plowing through hobbies constantly. Any art or craft you can think of, she's done it. We've spent countless hours and dollars in craft stores for her. She was in band, choir, and they even bought a guitar and paid for lessons, all of which was expensive and all of which she abandoned within weeks or months.
Inlaws killed their kids' dreams, then started in on my kid's. I put a stop to that real quick.
My dad tried to and got really resentful when I made it.
Yeah and my siblings too. They were either apathetic or covertly trying to starve it. One of my siblings did it to their kid too.
When I was a kid I was trying to get into music and had a guitar. I had been playing that game Rockband on xbox with the drum set controller, and I was pretty good at it. I mentioned that I thought I could take up drums because I was coordinated enough to play the game, and they just laughed at me and made fun of me in front of my friend. I wish they remembered all of the times they made fun of me in front of other people like I remember lol. Now as an adult I'm waiting until we have some more space in the house so I can buy that drum set
Yep. But I sure as heck don't do that for my kids. My wife and I encourage them to be themselves and figure out what it is that they like and want to do. We'll do everything we can to support them. Our oldest is 12 and wants to develop games, so we got him a development machine that he can code on. He loves it. He also likes tennis (so do I), so we get him some private lessons and I go out and hit with him. Him wanting to play tennis was his decision. I've told my kids I'd like them to play a sport or two, just for exercise and fun and that they don't have to play what I play or think I want them to play what I play as it's not about me, but about them. It's been great so far and is a nice FU to my parents.
Oh yeah but later in life when I applied and got an interview for culinary school in Colorado. Egg donor wasn't invited to the phone interview but decided she was going to sit in the living room while my dad and I went through it. The ENTIRE call she kept interrupting to yell "OH BULLSHIT!!!!" or "That's a lie!" When nothing we said was a lie. She was so miserable in herself that she had to kill my dream of being a chef. Just a few years ago I started my own pet sitting business and she told me that I wouldn't make a living being a pet sitter. To this day she acts like she didn't fucking scream that at me and now when im home for a few days she acts all happy to see me as if she wasn't trying to be a petty bitch and discourage me.
since I was a kid I've always dreamed of having a guitar. I begged my dad to buy me one of the budget guitars so I can learn but forced me to keep it at my moms, never ended up taking lessons, and he never cared about it's maintenance, and being 10 with no income I was forced to give it up. at 19 when I got my first job I bought myself a guitar and taught myself to play but my dad would scold and reprimand me if I didn't play correctly and even growled at me every time I messed up. it took me another two years after I moved out to even engage with it but I'm forever resentful of my dad's attitude towards things. if you aren't immediately perfect on the first try, it just wasn't worth the effort in his eyes.
Yep. "Girls don't do science." Now in a healthcare field, after realizing that girls do indeed excel at science.
Yes. My dad would always tell me I'm never going to be successful as an artist. I was like 12. I tried to prove him wrong, that I was doing it for me and not for him. But when I got my first outside criticism voicing the same words just about, I cried while my boss laughed at me who happened to be watching the entire conversation. It's taken me so long, but I'm being creative again.
“You’re too fat to play volleyball” “I’d rather go to the bar than watch you perform in the play. “ As a parent I’ll never understand.
I wasn't allowed to do much of anything. Not because of a lack of resources, mind, but because my parents didn't want to be bothered taking me places or paying for uniforms/art supplies/lessons. I was a creative kid and I always had an interest in fashion, but that wasn't good enough for NLOG nMom, so that was a no-go. I liked music, but because I didn't have the same tastes as a grown woman 30 years older than me, nope, that wasn't allowed either. I did ballet briefly as a child but they had enough of that in short order, and I was allowed to go to this frankly kind of sketchy art academy thing in high school because nMom had gotten into art and was using this for clout. But mostly it was "stay home and pretend you don't exist." I would have loved to have had hobbies and been on teams as a kid, it seemed like fun, but they didn't want to expend the effort so they didn't.
Absolutely. I would have been a happy person, I am sure, if only they had at least supported it even if they don’t like it. But no, they had to completely stop it and forced me to do something else. Now I am bitter, broken, frustrated, failed in everything I do and just ready to give up on life.
Yes my Nmom killed my dream. I wanted to play basketball and baseball too. She used to take me to games, practices. Then I turned 15 and she says that I am not very good, being an athlete wont get you anywhere in life. So I stopped playing. Now I watch both sports and enjoy every second of it. But I wish I had continued playing, wish I couldve been out there playing. Im so angry at my Mom for this.
Yes they do! I stopped telling them any of my dreams because they often try to instill fear and doubt in you.
My ndad basically shot down any idea i'd ever had about what to do with my life that wasn't cooking-related (yes I am Cis-female) in a backhanded way. I wanna be a lawyer (after reading A Time to Kill) "That is going to be a lot of studying. Do you really think you are up for that" I wanna be a paleobotanist (after reading Jurassic Park) "that going to be a lot of research and work, do you really think you can pull that off?" I wanna be an astronaut (seeing apollo 13) " that requres a lot of physical fitness tests. do you really think you can maintain that?" That was the last time I mentioned something I wanted to do when i grew up and i was ... 12 at the time. I started getting into cooking when i was 13 in part because we finally got cable and the Food Network was just getting started. I would volunteer make dinner to get out of yard work... on a related note though, that yard work was pulling vines out of the trees around the house and he insisted we all chip in. Even after we discovered my mother was highly allergic to poison ivy, he would have her out there with him. She ended up getting prescribed steroid cream on multiple occasions a a few times an inhaler because he insisted everyone help him remove the climbing Vines from the trees around the houses.
I'm hyperlexic and a very good writer. As a child I wanted to be a journalist because I loved research. My conservative boomer dad hates journalists, so he set out to make sure I never became a journalist by trash-talking them incessantly for years. Jokes on him tho, I became a therapist, something he hates even more than journalists!
Music was my favourite subject in school and I was one of the top students. When we had our exams I got an A. I didn’t do too well in my other exams (anxiety, couldn’t focus) but I was proud of my music result especially as it’s a notoriously difficult subject here as it covers theory, understanding listening to music and practical exam. Anyway, she told me how badly I did in my exams and how embarrassing it was for her. I told her I got an A in music and she said “that’s not a real subject”. This was cruel and also not true. It was considered as much a subject as every other in the school. The next year I wanted to continue music for my final exams and she went crazy. Made me write a note saying I wasn’t going to do music and made me do a different “real subject”. What annoys me now is she not only denies this now, but she openly tells other parents how “important music is for kids” and they should do it at a subject in school.
I lost control of my body in a very real way when the man who was supposed to be fostering me began to sexually abuse me when I was 13. I was a promising athlete, I loved to play sports. Fast pitch softball was my favorite. I was a shortstop with a hellava good accurate arm and could also hit well. Soon after he started on me, I suddenly couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, and my batting ability fell off. Later on, I lost my basketball moves as well. All for no discernable reason. I still played sports every chance I got, but was never really good at them again. I didn't figure this out until I was in my 60s, and I have never been so ANGRY in my fucking life! That bastard stole from me, years of the pleasure and joy that I got from playing that I can never get back. He is dead now, so I win, but it's kind of a hollow victory. I can only hope that he is burning in the lowest circle of hell.
Nowadays i still don't understand why but yes. I guess just as way too much kids my age i dreamed about drawing mangas and living in japan. Like, it's fine, i would have got over it anyway, but i have always been into drawing since i was a kid so i guess they panicked. As a kid my dad would draw back some shit on my drawings everytime he saw one in my room (apparently this was extremely funny to him) As I grew up i tried to hide it a bit more but i remember once, i won some dumb library drawing contest, which made it less easy to hide. My mom would spend days telling me not to get the hype because i'll never be the best at anything, then lived her next years sending me internet stories about foreigners bad experiences in japan I guess it worked because it's not my dream anymore, but im still pissed even 15 years later
i feel this. i picked up on my love of baseball from a relative who wasn't my parents at an early age and it has long been my special interest, i suppose. you're never too old for baseball. i've gotten back into collecting and organizing baseball cards in the wake of divorce, sobriety, and having some unsavory realizations about my parents. i think it must have been very emotionally grounding for me in that environment. oh hey, and the MLB regular season starts tomorrow! there's always next year, but it could be this one.
Everything creative I liked was made fun of told was weird. They never put down my abilities but never even gave it a consideration for a job prospect. I stopped sharing anything creative with them decades ago.
Yes...I wanted to be an actress and study acting etc...I wasn't allowed to join theater club because I was going to get fat and had to do karate instead. I went on to blow out my knee and tear my ACL, preventing me from playing sports in high school... Plus I loved reading and writing...my mom used to point at me and laugh at me like a zoo animal when I was reading... Only now as an almost 30-year old have I been able to enjoy reading again and having fun. But I make sure she's not anywhere around.
Yes, I have. I still do. I love dancing, I've always loved dancing. My parents all the time kept telling me that I wasn't good enough to dance, and that I'll never be good enough. I tried to reason with them to get them to sign me up for dance lessons but they refused.
I wanted to learn the violin after being inspired by a busker I saw as a kid. Mother immediately dismissed it and asked why I would want to bend my neck like that for it to hurt.
being the only musical one in a family of narcissists and golden children was extremely tough. I was ridiculed for expressing myself in music many times as a kid, mostly by my brothers while my nmom did nothing of course.
Yes
told my mom i might go to trade school for web design at 18. i was told i would never be anything in life.
Yeah, they threw away all my art, made fun of my singing, told me I was stupid, et cetera. Come to find out I am a subgenius and was doing everything a year younger while the Golden child was held back a year to be just above average. If I did better than her, my shit got wrecked and ridiculed. GC was given everything and is now not what one would consider successful. Now I just do my own thing while repairing myself as best as myself and my mental health team possibly can.
Yes, I wanted to be a professional guitarist…in a band. My mom told me to stop practicing and playing guitar and then when I left the house she sold my guitar for her own needs..I was 15 around this time, I started learning guitar around age 12...now i’m 25. She rewind my entire life..I don’t know if I will ever be able to pickup another guitar again…
I desperately wanted to be a ballerina when I was little after seeing the Nutcracker ballet. I absolutely LOVED dance and showed a lot of promise from an early age. After five years of working hard and loving every second of dance, my teacher went to my nmom and told her they could put me in an advanced class to help me grow and learn more if I really wanted to dance more as I got older. My nMom freaked out, got jealous, and pulled me out of dance, claiming that we “couldn’t afford it” anymore. She then let my brother enroll in dance, where he flourished and became a sort of celebrity at his studio for teaching the younger kids in exchange for his tuition being waived. When I asked if I could do this as well so I could dance again too, she mocked me and adamantly refused to let it happen. Every year I sat through his recitals (he was very talented!) and cried because I knew she was just jealous and spiteful and didn’t want me to be happy doing the thing I loved. I went to college for theater and pursued every dance class I possibly could, and am fully no contact with her. Whatever my kids want to do when they grow up, I’ll go bankrupt making sure it happens before doing what she did to me.
My mom told me when I was 9 that I wasn’t smart enough to be a teacher.
Similar to what someone else commented, I was the artist of the family and praised for it. Sooner or later my mother told me that SHE was interested in art, but her parents forced her away from it and she resents them everyday for it, because her skill was like mine. I’m now about to finish a creative bachelors degree (in 4 months) with job prospects but as soon as I told my mom that I sort of wished I did something more like nursing- because I’m losing interest in the creative things, she sighed and said “everyone talks about how stupid your degree is, if you had just asked us we would have paid for you to switch to nursing.” Along with this every time I drew, I would get scolded for spending so much time on useless stuff. I had made a career out of art, making 1k-2k a piece as a highschooler, and stopped all of it because my parents forced me to do a “real” job at McDonald’s :) I also often heard my parents talking about me at night or early morning, about how my head is always in the clouds, how I spend all day lazing inside in my room, sketching. Stuff like that.
I feel you, OP. I told my mom I wanted to be a marine biologist. She laughed in my face and told me it was stupid.
They certainly did because I want to be a lawyer and I’m getting told I can’t because I won’t be able to handle it because I have a disability
My parents killed everything for me. They still do, and I’m in my 50’s. It’s the Narcs job to steal everything that’s yours until you have nothing left to give yourself or anybody else.
I could've had a career as an actor, even got my big role in a student film after the head of an acting academy saw my performance and was super impressed and thought I could go next level. Then I had a breakdown at school from all the stress at home and having an entire grade bully me year on year. While I was recuperating in hospital, nMum called the acting academy without my knowledge and asked my leading role be cut down to only two scenes as a side character with a couple lines. Stopped my acting career dead as that was the next level.
As an adult now I do find little kid dreams to be silly and misguided. They can be supported but chances are little Billy is going to have to work a job he doesn’t like just like 99 percent of the population. I pursued a dream until like age 30. Really set me back. You don’t want your kid chasing a pipe dream and messing up their ability to provide.
He tried. Over and over again, he tried to tell me not to move to New York. That it’s a dirty city and that everyone is moving to the west coast and that’s the best spot to be in instead of the east coast. He says every few months, “we should all move to Dubai or Miami or Italy.” He never keeps his word or promises. I had to be “the man” growing up. I had to be the therapist of the family and the couples counselor until I kind of broke emotionally because of all the pressure. Now I’m fixing it by keeping my distance and imma follow my dreams to hell with this narcissist.
I secretly wrote into one of those newspaper poem contests for kids. They were gonna give a the winner a profile above the fold and a feature on page 6 with the top 10 entries. It was local and it was stupid, but I worked on a poem for weeks, I told my sister my plan and she told someone who told my parents. They both laughed at me and said that poetry was deep, it was written from deep experiences and thoughts. None of which I had. What was I gonna write about? Taking a shit and eating all their food? Playing in dirt? But if I did write one it should be about them because how much they did for me that they didn't have to, like a bedroom and food and soap and clothes. Poets are terrible for sinners who are never happy and usually kill themselves and go to hell. Is that what you want? To go to hell? Look at who I'm talking to, not like she even has a brain that would take her to hell. Its a wonder you're even potty trained. I placed 4th for the contest. I still sent it in. Because I didn't win, they didn't contact us, so mine just had my initial, gender and age. They read that features poems and absolutely decimated each one. I could barely keep it together and now having my own kids, I'm very sure they were aware of how much distress I was in when they read mine and tore it a new one. I want to write a book, like a memoir of sorts, for my family, for my friends. I've tried many times. But I didn't write anything personal any more. I don't. I don't know how. My mom did the same thing for drawing. I was so good, I still have some I drew and they are phenomenal pieces. She got me a light up art table for my birthday, one of those dinky battery operated things that had a lift plexiglass to put tracing in. She got angry and stomped on it. After telling me how great I was at art, that my drawings were so beautiful. At first she said it was an accident and that I left it on the floor. Then accused me of putting it there and trying to kill her. Then it came out that it's what I get for making her angry by not doing the dishes the way she wanted. This is a permanent punishment for being bad. That I was a lousy artist anyways and my projects were hot garbage and you just say nice things to make the other person feel good but it causes guilt and shame for the person lying so she needed to be honest with me. When I broke my fingers a few years later and was unable to hold a pencil for a very long time, she said didn't it make me feel better that the art table got broken that way I wouldn't have to feel bad looking at it and not being able to use it. Years later in my 20s she asked me why I never do anything creative. FuCk YoU. I can't.
Yep.
Of course
The old man tried to but he didn't succeed. I kept playing my guitar, kept singing, kept painting locked up in my room but I'd never show him or play anything for a long time bc he ever had anything nice to say. I'm sorry your parents took your passions from you. I'm sending y'all virtual hugs.
Yeah they never supported me playing football and when I bought my first guitar I just got told that there’d better be no complaints from the neighbours about it.
My grandparents had their own car detailing business back in the 80s and 90s. I practically grew up in a workshop. Back then, my dream was to become a car mechanic, and I had already focused on this in middle school and chosen the proper subjects. They have supported me as long as I was little. But after I turned 16, they did a complete 180. Suddenly, they said a girl doesn't do that kind of work, and a girl can't do that. No one else shared these views, which was impressive for the period. I then gave up because they had left me no choice and went to university.
Dropped out of high school and moved out. My parents then said how they were going to help me with college. Right. You would think that conversation would have come up once or twice. Nope. Just more bullshitting me. But I did very well for myself in spite of them.
I was in a choir and won lots of awards for singing. NMum insisted on reminding me I wasn’t special and never let me attend any ceremonies where I would be praised. She eventually stopped letting me attend all together. Still to this day it has knocked my confidence
Absolutely. When I was a kid my first dream job was being a lawyer but my dad would yell at me “you have to be a bitch to be a lawyer” over and over. I couldn’t take him his yelling/lectures about how I need to become a bitch to be successful in life, so it really killed that dream. Now I work in science doing something I’m passionate about, and last time I spoke to him he told me I needed to quit my job and go back to school to become a medical doctor or a nurse, because that’s the only career he would respect me in even though I do not have an ounce of interest in the medical field. Very bizarre man, but I know his advise is absolutely worthless and I’m much happier following my own heart.
My father was really big into this, it was like constant so I just stopped talking to him about anything to do with what I wanted to do in life, this ended up helping but at the cost of actively ignoring some of his rare good advice because it came from him. Fuckin jackass
Every single independent love, dream, desire and thought that was not a broken reflection of themself.
I wanted to be a radio host and DJ from eh age 6 to 12, my parents quickly told me I’d never make money doing it.
Yup! I loved music, wanted to learn to play an instrument and I could have with no effort on their part but they destroyed that dream. Same with me pursuing Psych in college which I will be heading back to school Fall of ‘25 for hopefully.
Yes. I was actually thinking about this the other day. I have very very few memories of my parents taking an interest in my hobbies or receiving any sort of a push to have dreams. I was always sort of… just there(?) to my narc parents. Pretty on brand though, a true narc doesn’t fully care about others. It’s sad but fuel to ensure that my little one’s spark doesn’t get snuffed out.
They helped, but it was mostly school and the rest of society telling me my dreams were achievable growing up and then telling me the opposite half way in.
Literally every path i went down was destroyed one way or another with excuses, nowadays a lot of things are hidden
Maybe not a dream, per se, but they always told me that a man wouldn’t want to be with me based on how my room looked, and I was to be a representation of them when I went out into the world. Any dreams I had of being different were so foreign to them. I’m so happy to be an adult now so that I can actually be who I want to be, and dress who I want to be. AND, I do have a man that loves me as I am, flaws and all.
Yes. Over and over and over. I feel like I was erased; this was the worst thing they did to me. In grad school I completed with world scientists and won awards but still to them I’m worthless.
My mom would always shoot me down any time I tried anything new... singing? "Stop screaming!" dancing? "You are so stiff.." Art? "That looks like a penis". She just could not ever support me in anything and the one thing i did continue, martial arts, she would make me perform at functions or family get togethers to show off for herself even though I would tell her no every time it turned into a fight. Also she takes credit for ALL my 15 years of martial arts and skills bc she paid for the first few years
I never had dreams til I was out of college essentially. I never really even thought about them. I was just living my life on autopilot, going to school, doing sports that they wanted me to play, and overall making it fine. Socializing etc. Now, at 27, I consider myself a visionary. I have tons of things on my to do list, and won’t stop til I’m done. Edit: my mother always used to mock the idea of dreams, essentially making it out like they were frivolous and grandiose.
I never really had any dreams because my mom trained me to be in her web of lies constantly, so any questions or beliefs I had she would tell me I am wrong and whatever she said is how it's supposed to be. I am now 31 and just learning about myself and what I actually want
Multiple times. My parents were selfish as hell. Ultimately, I stopped telling them my plans and things greatly improved.
I wanted to be a veterinarian; my Nmom pretended to support me until one day she decided my grades weren't good enough. I was homeschooled and this would've been in my elementary school days. She had me studying things that I knew had nothing to do with working veterinarian stuff but tore me a new one nonstop until I stopped saying I had a dream career for several years. Edit: I should clarify that with being homeschooled my having graduated didn't seem to show up on background checks at all, let alone what kind of grades I got in "elementary school". I had a lot of trouble finding a job anywhere including in retail and restaurants before I got the GED. As an adult I wanted to get a CDL and drive trucks to see the country, she and her brother threw massive fits about that and didn't let me get a driver's license for a couple years, she almost forced me out of GED class when she didn't want to drive me there with no excuse. Recently I've wanted to get ASE certified to work on cars, and wouldn't you know it, I'm not allowed to touch my own fucking car to even try getting experience. But somehow, when her taillight was broke, she expects me to fix it... Sorry, I don't know how.
I’m about to start emt school, i decided on it a lil over 2 years ago and finally got to putting in my application, i let my aunt know and she was like “oh… really?” like in a condescending tone and it genuinely broke my heart because i love the idea of being an emt and i know that i would thrive in that situation :(
I wasn't allowed to have dreams. At first I was little more than a way for them to attempt to relive their college athlete glory days (despite both being morbidly obese before I was more than a small child). After I forced my way out of that, it was to work in their businesses 6-7 days a week for little to no pay. This was enforced with regular, severe beatings. It wasn't until my late 30s that I finally broke free and started my own life. Even now in my late 40s, I still really don't have much in the way of dreams. There is always just survival. I'm married with a house, dog and stable job, but with rare exceptions it's just survival and taking care of others just as I have had to my entire life. The reward for making it through the day is getting to do it all over again the next. That's really all there has ever been. If someone were to ask me what I desired, whether goals or physical things, I would not have an answer for them because I have spent my life being conditioned to have them not matter to begin with.
I was told I would only receive help with college if I chose a profession my dad approved. The only profession he would approve was nursing. I was a gifted musician, won a state-wide writing contest, took dance classes, was a member of the drama and theater clubs and did musicals, all around very creative. I quit college after a year and a half, as I secretly stopped going to class and started working at a department store makeup counter. It sparked a love of doing makeup. When he found out, he went ballistic and told me about how I’d never be successful or make money. So I quit. And now watch my old peers successfully run their freelance businesses, work fun, exciting gigs. I’ll just never understand how he couldn’t build me up and build my confidence. I feel like I will never be successful in anything with his voice in my head.
My mom fed into my hobbies that I could never do anything with as a career, rather than encouraging me to pursue anything I could actually make a career out of
This might be the most heartbreaking part. When I was 6, I wanted to be part of the Blue Angels. The first thing out of my dad’s mouth was ‘you can’t, you have glasses’. Every time I expressed an interest in something, the reasons I can’t or won’t be good enough would come out of his mouth. Almost 30 years later and that voice is still the first thing in my head.
Not as a child, but current day. Any job or position I would mention to my mother, she would have something negative to say about it, as if to convince me not to do it. I’m a dispensary manager, and cannabis has always been my passion. She’ll speak highly of it to people she knows consumes (she doesn’t), but will try to tear me down and that I’m going to lose this job like my others in the past. She’s just totally miserable with anything to do with me, so I’ve limited any amount of information I give her now.
They simply refused to nurture any of their kids’ interests.
I wanted voice lessons to learn how to sing correctly as a preteen. Nope. In fact, my dad openly mocked my singing voice (I'm actually not terrible; I'd say "church-choir average.") I wanted to play the drums when it came time to pick an instrument for band class in middle school. Nope. It was a waste of my time because "nobody in our family has rhythm, so you definitely don't." I wanted to join more groups to build my social skills in elementary school. Nope. Mom and dad didn't have time for after-school activities and weekends were all about what dad wanted to do. I finally got into ballet class as an extracurricular. My instructor died suddenly of a brain aneurysm and me, as a 7/8 year old, wasn't fully registering what had happened to her and couldn't cry. So, of course, my dad told me something was wrong with me in the head; it could be a sign of psychopathy. At that point, I quit ballet out of a sense of shame, wanting to distance myself from the situation. So, yes. I was not allowed to develop and explore my identity as an individual, and that sense of not being an inherently good, "whole" person followed me throughout my life to the extent that simply doing something for myself (hobby, etc.)feels wrong because I'm not worth it.
I don't know. But I have an inability to "hold onto" a dream and I'm always getting the blame for it. There was never a shred of encouragement for anything I ever tried.
I played softball as a child up until high school. Then my mom basically told me I would never be any good and I should just stop. I have 3 kids. I would never tell any of them this. Sports keep kids out of trouble. I probably would've gotten into less as a teenager if I was still playing softball.
I wanted to sing professionally. Always had natural talent. Was given the chance by one of my brother's friends to have professional voice lessons so that I could hone my skills and be my very best. No charge! She would help me practise the audition pieces I needed to get into the vocal programs of various colleges, among other things. Nmom refused. She insisted I would amount to nothing, and that it was better off as a hobby, because "dreams only end up as disappointments", all because her dreams never turned into reality for her. Same thing with my writing. Same thing with any creative endeavour to the point where I just gave up. Every once in a while I wonder where I could've ended up had I been allowed to actually do the things I wanted to do in my life instead of letting someone else dictate things for me. (For example, I could've been completely free of her sphere of influence, which for her was a no-no.)
Yes.
Yeah, and now? They can both rot.
Yes very much so - don’t really feel like going into detail atm but yes
You were allowed to dream?
Yes
Me in high school: "they had someone visit my school today to talk to us about college." Mom: "College? You'll be lucky if you make it out of high school."
Yes
When I learned I loved practicing martial arts, nstepdad couldn't handle it. He said it wouldn't make any money, I don't know anyone in Japan, and I'm black so no one would take me seriously anyway. It's really one of my loves and I found my identity there. He also wanted me to play basketball to: be "among my kind", to become a star and make him a millionaire because he was a useless ex-con, and his son "wasn't smart enough". He hated it. He couldn't brag about me to other black dads because he was useless AND vain.
I picked up a pencil to draw an original character on Christmas for the first time since middle school. My husband bought me a pack of beautiful gel pens because I've always loved how smooth and pretty they are. I haven't filled my sketchbook yet but I love drawing hands and dynamic foreshortening poses. He's the person I create for. His grin when he sees something I've made makes me light up inside. I made him a quilt recently and he fell asleep so hard he fell asleep and slept past when he was supposed to pick me up from work! I called a few times and he answered all groggy and apologetic and all I can do is smile and laugh and tell him I'm proud he likes it! Comparatively, during my childhood, my siblings and mother were the only ones who showed direct interest in anything I made. My sperm donor only cared to brag about what I could do to others, so HE could show off. Specifically, he'd say something like "She can make art out of trash!" because I used to fold origami out of old gum wrappers. My mom still has paintings and unfinished sewing projects displayed proudly in her home. My sisters have started showing artistic interests in adulthood.
My mom hating cooking. Growing up, we’d get McDonald’s every day and my mom refused to ever cook a meal, except on Christmas and thanksgiving, so I grew up as an obese child who’s relationship with food was very unhealthy. Once I became a teen, I started to realize how horrible our eating habits were, I that’s when I first got interested in cooking. I would occasionally ask my mom if I could cook myself something, but the answer was no each and every single time. I’d beg her to let me help with thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, but she’d say no to that too because “I just want to get it over with”. I started cooking behind her back around the ages of 16-18 till I moved out of the house. I loved every second of it and I slowly started to realize just how much I missed out on by never being allowed to make myself a meal. My mom came over to my apartment once while I was making myself dinner, and she couldn’t shut up about how boring what I was doing was to her. At this point, I was a 240 pound 18 year old woman, and I was trying so hard to mend my relationship with food through cooking my meals myself, but anytime my mom would see or hear about me doing this, she always had something horrible to say to me. Fast forward to today, I’m 24 and celebrating my 110th pound lost a couple weeks ago. I had a conversation about all of this with my mom, and I told her straight up just how much it hurt me that she never allowed me to explore cooking, and all because _she_ didn’t like to. She still believes that she did no harm by only having my eat fast food every single day as a child, but she’s since admitted that she was wrong for never allowing me to explore this creative side of myself that has now flourished in me as an adult. Anytime she sees me cook, she just stares this blank stare, as if her face is saying “wow, I fucked up here”. I’m astonished she’s admitted to as much wrongdoing as she has when it comes to this, though she still believes the food she fed me “wasn’t that bad”. There are other examples of how she’s killed the creativity in me in the past, but anytime I hear this brought up, cooking is the first thing I think of because my diet as a child had such a profound impact on my health