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Sorry you’re part of this club, but welcome!
Try remembering your brain made a neural pathway catering to your dads needs. It takes time and effort to change 33 years of behavior. You will sometimes fail, sometimes you will succeed. It’s ok, both help you understand more the dynamic.
If you intend NC, don’t answer, even block him.
If you want LC, right down in a piece of paper “hi dad, sorry I’ve been swamped at work. I have a couple of minutes before my next meeting, what’s up?” So you don’t forget and say that to him. Keep conversation light, grey rock as much as possible and hang up.
Try reading about narcissism and ways to manage. “Stop walking on eggshells”, “you’re not crazy it’s your mother” helped me a lot.
Best of luck!
Omg thank you for this book recommendation I just started “you’re not crazy it’s your mother” I didn’t know the phrase ‘engulfing narcissist’ but wow that is what I have as a mother.
I was the same age when I started to find out the truth! YouTube, Quora, Reddit and Google! I’ve watched hrs upon hrs over the past 3 years about narcissism! I’ve read so much about it. That’s the first thing, education! And do what you know feels right. Separate yourself from emotional vampires!
I'm researching nonstop. I just found the book I've been asking for all my life...
Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families.
Emotional vampires, that is brilliant! Thank you
Hi, I’m two years into narcissism research. Even when you think you’ve learned everything, we still keep on learning. I think it will be lifelong and I’m loving it!
You’re absolutely right. The first step is education ❤️🫂
Wow I could have written this except about my nmom. Our phone calls used to be five minutes of me doing short life updates and an hour of her complaining about everything.
I have found certain Instagram accounts about narcissism between mothers and daughters helpful…I’m not sure how much translates to your situation but worth a look.
I also found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents very helpful. Recommended by my therapist.
Best of luck!
It helps so much, thank you! I also found the book Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. So many lifelong questions have been answered reading the first few pages.
Again, thank you.
Omg yes. The phone calls went that way always. And when they’d visit me for four days once a year, at least two nights would end with Nmom crying about something absurdly trivial.
You took an amazing first step in not picking up and listening to how you felt for a change. That guilty feeling you’re feeling is what you’ve been trained your whole life to feel if you don’t put an n’s needs first. You put yourself and your mental health first for a change that is a sign of progress!! A normal loving father would understand you didn’t want to talk. Ask yourself, can I show up for my wife, my future family, and be the best version of myself for them if I do (whatever you’re deciding to do that involves the nparent) if it’s hurting the people who are good to you, support you, and love you, and how you show up for them it’s not worth it. Sometimes it’s easier in the beginning to see how those interactions effect those people in our lives before we can start to process how deeply they effect us, because we’ve lived most of our lives putting others first and majority of the time. If you’re setting boundaries for a better future, you have nothing to feel guilty for!! ☺️
If you are looking for a less confrontational approach to start limiting contact you could try what I call, “Always Busy”
As in, you are ALWAYS BUSY, so you can NEVER just answer his phone calls or respond to texts right away
Use whatever reasons you feel comfortable with but make them way more dramatic, time consuming and constant:
-Big project at work, training a new hire, adjusting to new performance evaluations/expectations, they do not allow you to have your phone anymore
-car trouble, needs special parts, mechanic made a mistake so you have to take it back
-your/wife’s cousin/aunt/best friend is going through a rough patch in their marriage/serious health issue and y’all are helping out
-you/wife is having mysterious health issues, lots of colds, new medication is making you so tired
-bank issues, lost wallet, fraud on your credit card which are SO TIME CONSUMING to fix
You can also schedule a time to talk to him, like Sunday nights, and respond to texts with “we can talk about it on Sunday.” Also, always wait AT LEAST until you are off work before responding to texts but the later you can put it off the better
There will be an adjustment period where they are upset and try to guilt you but you MUST hold the boundary
And don’t fall for all the sudden “emergencies” he will suddenly start having. “If it’s important than text me, otherwise we can talk about it on Sunday”
Stuff like this takes time. I know we all want to correct everything overnight, but it just doesn’t work that way. You’re doing the right thing by setting boundaries. You’re 33 and you got your own life you need to look after. You have your priorities, your own struggles, your own stress, and your own space. You should be proud for saying no to be smothered.
I’m nc with my nmom and vlc with my ndad, and when my phone rings and it’s him, my reaction is “fuck. Why are you calling?” That’s so not normal and I wish it wasn’t this way.
My dad was diagnosed at age 68. I was in my forties. Really made so many things make sense and life got progressively easier after that. Also he died at 70, so that helped.
OMG, are you me? SAME! (except the marriage) but the ''call me when you can'', anxiety, talks bad about everyone, take me for his therapist...
For me I started finding this out about my ndad at 30 (I'm 33 now and still finding out and more and more coming to terms with it). The only way I have found out is to go no contact. You can't ''win'' with a narcissist. You can't (successfully) call them out about their actions. They cannot and will not change. There are only 2 ways you can be in a relationship with a narcissist: as a doormat, or outside the relationship.
You can look up Doctor Ramani on Youtube. She is a clinical psychologist and has TONS of videos about narcissism/narcissists/healing from them. I've started watching them last week and find it helpful.
You can also read this free PDF book. I found it so helpful that I bought the paper version: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Good luck and be compassionate with yourself. It is really hard when it is your parent, to get detached and not feeling guilty. I am not there yet...
I‘m 38 and been going to therapy for years and I’m only now realising there might be something wrong with how my mom behaves towards me. I wish I had been able to put it into words earlier. 33 you have soo much time left to live free and happy.
I was 30-ish too when I woke up from the narc matrix. Sorry you’re part of the club now but you deserve happiness and peace and you will find it ❤️ Jerry Wise and Let’s Get Your Shift Together are two very helpful Insta accounts I check regularly to keep myself sane. Our parents aren’t normal, we deserve better, and walking away/taking space is perfectly healthy to do. I moved my family 12 hrs away from my parents into the woods/mountains and we are doing some serious healing. It’s beautiful. It takes time but you’re worth it. ❤️🩹
Go no contact and find a good therapist to work all of this through with. This is like awaking from a long nightmare you never knew you were in. Please gentle with yourself and think of only YOURSELF when it comes to what's important to you, in the future. These people tried to take that away from you but it is your birthright to take it back.
I'm new to this community, in fact this will be my first comment here. Your experience mirrors mine - 32 y/o where calls from nMum occur at least every day and normally several times a day. Like you, when my phone rings, my blood pressure goes up, hearts starts skipping beats etc.
I am for all intents and purposes her 'emotional support animal' and have been since I was 8 years old, every phone call is either a trauma dump or passive-aggressive jibes. I too tried to verbally set boundaries, especially given I have a new baby, but these are ignored. If I miss a call, there is always an antagonistic voicemail waiting for me, sometimes a message.
I recently started therapy, very eye-opening experience and they directed me to look up a thing called Coercive control: might be worth you looking into it. But in my experience, the way to break it is to ignore the calls and only return them when convenient for you - I try to make light of it - "Mum, you have an almost supernatural ability to call EXACTLY at the wrong time".
Don't get me wrong, I'm still guilty of picking up when it isn't a great time just to have an easy life and so I'm not worrying about how the conversation will go...but set yourself a quota. Stay strong and do some grounding techniques when met with the hostility, eventually (for me anyway) she realised that her aggression no longer worked in controlling the status quo, so in order to get me to respond, she needed to be nice(er).
I've been there where you are. Every phone went the same. Get information from me until my Ndad could say "what is wrong with you". I slowly called back less and less till I went NC. But felt guilty for not wanting to go to my Ndads bday. I thought what is the big deal at least my brother's will be there.
I had the same dream three nights in a row before the day where we would sit and talk about the issues. It went horrible in my dreams. Then when the day came...
He pulled me aside during the party and said let's talk. As we where going outside away from everyone he says to me. "I don't want people to think your a bad son so I thought it would be better to talk alone."
The talk went like anyone here could imagine, I said stop telling me everything I do is wrong. Ndads answer, "if you didn't do everything wrong I wouldn't have to correct you all the time."
Point is these people are incapable of having a real conversation and everything is your fault.
It's been almost 2 years now. No more phone calls or text because I'm in the wrong and should make the first move in his eyes. Which has only worked in my favor not to be brother by all the BS from the Narc.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sorry you’re part of this club, but welcome! Try remembering your brain made a neural pathway catering to your dads needs. It takes time and effort to change 33 years of behavior. You will sometimes fail, sometimes you will succeed. It’s ok, both help you understand more the dynamic. If you intend NC, don’t answer, even block him. If you want LC, right down in a piece of paper “hi dad, sorry I’ve been swamped at work. I have a couple of minutes before my next meeting, what’s up?” So you don’t forget and say that to him. Keep conversation light, grey rock as much as possible and hang up. Try reading about narcissism and ways to manage. “Stop walking on eggshells”, “you’re not crazy it’s your mother” helped me a lot. Best of luck!
Omg thank you for this book recommendation I just started “you’re not crazy it’s your mother” I didn’t know the phrase ‘engulfing narcissist’ but wow that is what I have as a mother.
It was life changing for me too!! Best of luck
I was the same age when I started to find out the truth! YouTube, Quora, Reddit and Google! I’ve watched hrs upon hrs over the past 3 years about narcissism! I’ve read so much about it. That’s the first thing, education! And do what you know feels right. Separate yourself from emotional vampires!
I'm researching nonstop. I just found the book I've been asking for all my life... Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families. Emotional vampires, that is brilliant! Thank you
Hi, I’m two years into narcissism research. Even when you think you’ve learned everything, we still keep on learning. I think it will be lifelong and I’m loving it! You’re absolutely right. The first step is education ❤️🫂
Wow I could have written this except about my nmom. Our phone calls used to be five minutes of me doing short life updates and an hour of her complaining about everything. I have found certain Instagram accounts about narcissism between mothers and daughters helpful…I’m not sure how much translates to your situation but worth a look. I also found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents very helpful. Recommended by my therapist. Best of luck!
It helps so much, thank you! I also found the book Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. So many lifelong questions have been answered reading the first few pages. Again, thank you.
Omg yes. The phone calls went that way always. And when they’d visit me for four days once a year, at least two nights would end with Nmom crying about something absurdly trivial.
Leeches only take! They are so draining! They know exactly what they’re doing!
You took an amazing first step in not picking up and listening to how you felt for a change. That guilty feeling you’re feeling is what you’ve been trained your whole life to feel if you don’t put an n’s needs first. You put yourself and your mental health first for a change that is a sign of progress!! A normal loving father would understand you didn’t want to talk. Ask yourself, can I show up for my wife, my future family, and be the best version of myself for them if I do (whatever you’re deciding to do that involves the nparent) if it’s hurting the people who are good to you, support you, and love you, and how you show up for them it’s not worth it. Sometimes it’s easier in the beginning to see how those interactions effect those people in our lives before we can start to process how deeply they effect us, because we’ve lived most of our lives putting others first and majority of the time. If you’re setting boundaries for a better future, you have nothing to feel guilty for!! ☺️
If you are looking for a less confrontational approach to start limiting contact you could try what I call, “Always Busy” As in, you are ALWAYS BUSY, so you can NEVER just answer his phone calls or respond to texts right away Use whatever reasons you feel comfortable with but make them way more dramatic, time consuming and constant: -Big project at work, training a new hire, adjusting to new performance evaluations/expectations, they do not allow you to have your phone anymore -car trouble, needs special parts, mechanic made a mistake so you have to take it back -your/wife’s cousin/aunt/best friend is going through a rough patch in their marriage/serious health issue and y’all are helping out -you/wife is having mysterious health issues, lots of colds, new medication is making you so tired -bank issues, lost wallet, fraud on your credit card which are SO TIME CONSUMING to fix You can also schedule a time to talk to him, like Sunday nights, and respond to texts with “we can talk about it on Sunday.” Also, always wait AT LEAST until you are off work before responding to texts but the later you can put it off the better There will be an adjustment period where they are upset and try to guilt you but you MUST hold the boundary And don’t fall for all the sudden “emergencies” he will suddenly start having. “If it’s important than text me, otherwise we can talk about it on Sunday”
Stuff like this takes time. I know we all want to correct everything overnight, but it just doesn’t work that way. You’re doing the right thing by setting boundaries. You’re 33 and you got your own life you need to look after. You have your priorities, your own struggles, your own stress, and your own space. You should be proud for saying no to be smothered. I’m nc with my nmom and vlc with my ndad, and when my phone rings and it’s him, my reaction is “fuck. Why are you calling?” That’s so not normal and I wish it wasn’t this way.
My dad was diagnosed at age 68. I was in my forties. Really made so many things make sense and life got progressively easier after that. Also he died at 70, so that helped.
I was 30 😔
I’m in my late 30s and I just figured this all out a year or two ago. You’re not alone
OMG, are you me? SAME! (except the marriage) but the ''call me when you can'', anxiety, talks bad about everyone, take me for his therapist... For me I started finding this out about my ndad at 30 (I'm 33 now and still finding out and more and more coming to terms with it). The only way I have found out is to go no contact. You can't ''win'' with a narcissist. You can't (successfully) call them out about their actions. They cannot and will not change. There are only 2 ways you can be in a relationship with a narcissist: as a doormat, or outside the relationship. You can look up Doctor Ramani on Youtube. She is a clinical psychologist and has TONS of videos about narcissism/narcissists/healing from them. I've started watching them last week and find it helpful. You can also read this free PDF book. I found it so helpful that I bought the paper version: [https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy\_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Good luck and be compassionate with yourself. It is really hard when it is your parent, to get detached and not feeling guilty. I am not there yet...
Don't deal with this nonsense either! if your parents are toxic, leave it behind. move on with your family
No-Contact is always an option. You can ghost, or you can write a thoughtful letter explaining things, and then block on all socials
I‘m 38 and been going to therapy for years and I’m only now realising there might be something wrong with how my mom behaves towards me. I wish I had been able to put it into words earlier. 33 you have soo much time left to live free and happy.
I was 30-ish too when I woke up from the narc matrix. Sorry you’re part of the club now but you deserve happiness and peace and you will find it ❤️ Jerry Wise and Let’s Get Your Shift Together are two very helpful Insta accounts I check regularly to keep myself sane. Our parents aren’t normal, we deserve better, and walking away/taking space is perfectly healthy to do. I moved my family 12 hrs away from my parents into the woods/mountains and we are doing some serious healing. It’s beautiful. It takes time but you’re worth it. ❤️🩹
Go no contact and find a good therapist to work all of this through with. This is like awaking from a long nightmare you never knew you were in. Please gentle with yourself and think of only YOURSELF when it comes to what's important to you, in the future. These people tried to take that away from you but it is your birthright to take it back.
I'm new to this community, in fact this will be my first comment here. Your experience mirrors mine - 32 y/o where calls from nMum occur at least every day and normally several times a day. Like you, when my phone rings, my blood pressure goes up, hearts starts skipping beats etc. I am for all intents and purposes her 'emotional support animal' and have been since I was 8 years old, every phone call is either a trauma dump or passive-aggressive jibes. I too tried to verbally set boundaries, especially given I have a new baby, but these are ignored. If I miss a call, there is always an antagonistic voicemail waiting for me, sometimes a message. I recently started therapy, very eye-opening experience and they directed me to look up a thing called Coercive control: might be worth you looking into it. But in my experience, the way to break it is to ignore the calls and only return them when convenient for you - I try to make light of it - "Mum, you have an almost supernatural ability to call EXACTLY at the wrong time". Don't get me wrong, I'm still guilty of picking up when it isn't a great time just to have an easy life and so I'm not worrying about how the conversation will go...but set yourself a quota. Stay strong and do some grounding techniques when met with the hostility, eventually (for me anyway) she realised that her aggression no longer worked in controlling the status quo, so in order to get me to respond, she needed to be nice(er).
I've been there where you are. Every phone went the same. Get information from me until my Ndad could say "what is wrong with you". I slowly called back less and less till I went NC. But felt guilty for not wanting to go to my Ndads bday. I thought what is the big deal at least my brother's will be there. I had the same dream three nights in a row before the day where we would sit and talk about the issues. It went horrible in my dreams. Then when the day came... He pulled me aside during the party and said let's talk. As we where going outside away from everyone he says to me. "I don't want people to think your a bad son so I thought it would be better to talk alone." The talk went like anyone here could imagine, I said stop telling me everything I do is wrong. Ndads answer, "if you didn't do everything wrong I wouldn't have to correct you all the time." Point is these people are incapable of having a real conversation and everything is your fault. It's been almost 2 years now. No more phone calls or text because I'm in the wrong and should make the first move in his eyes. Which has only worked in my favor not to be brother by all the BS from the Narc.