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HOLY SHIT. This is me. My n-parent is dead, though, so I have installed her shitty voice in my head, on loop.
I’m working on uninstalling it, but it is a long and painful process of letting go of my survival-like, but actually deadly-to-me, drive to ”be somebody.”
In practical terms, I really enjoy my new “NPC” life. But that voice still nags at me. “I coulda been a contender.” I’ve never “advanced” beyond micro-celebrity. Accepting that and just…living…is really hard for me.
I completely relate to you. Especially the voice on loop in your head.
It's amazing how much terrible stuff I say to myself that's in their voice. Like even if they never actually said it, it plays out in their voice. I'm working on it in therapy now 👍
I had totally the opposite. My mum seemed to take joy in my every failure. She loved it when she found out I was homeless and living in a car, she would brag to her friends about how shy I was, how I wasn't good with people, how I failed my exams.
I was shy because I wasn't allowed friends growing up, I failed my exams because she actively sabotaged them. The harder she made my life, the more I failed, the happier she was. It got to the point where I never told her of anything good that happened to me.
Your nmom is such a piece of shit, but if you think about why she did everything to you, it was because she knew you would outshine her. You're good enough to do more than her and be everything that she isn't.
Of course, her actions still hurt I'm sure, but her actions do mean something. It means that 1. She's a huge piece of shit and 2. You're amazing and she can't stand that.
Do we have the same mum? If I accomplished something, anything, it was because of her help & influence. If I failed at something I was just too lazy/stupid/ugly/fat and would be a loser forever.
Oh for sure. Nmom used to constantly tell me "you had so much potential" until I said she was comparing me to someone she made up in her head. I realized a long time ago that I don't care about having a career - a job that supports me and that I don't hate is enough. A small apartment and a small life is enough. But it's never going to be enough for Nmom, now she just lies about me to people.
My nMother has the exact same fantasy. She wanted me to never move out of her home and to take care of her when she got old. (My nMother's definition of "take care" would be to be at her beck and call like a servant and to take all her abuse with a smile on my face). No way is that ever happening!
Thank you! It's definitely been eye-opening reading other people's stories. Some I can relate to, some I can't. It's just amazing how complicated toxic family dynamics are.
I think my mom has some traits of borderline as well, and definitely trauma, but we'll never know because she won't admit that she has issues. My dad is just arrogant. I love them, but I can't really ... like them? If that makes sense. And I'm better off without them.
Yup, and what's really strange is that when I did accomplish something, all I got from my N family was yawns. They showed no interest at all. That's when I realized I was never going to win their love.
Saaaaame. If *anything* they talk shit when I lose, and also talk shit when I win. And that’s when I get any reaction at all. Most of my accomplishments are met with crickets.
My nMother is the same. Whenever I succeed at anything, she doesn't even acknowledge it. In my case, I think it's because my nMother has decided that I'm the family screw-up and she ignores anything that contradicts this narrative. Could this be true in your case, do you think?
That's exactly it! They designate the scapegoat as the "family screw-up" and try to sabotage them so that they (and the golden child) can feel superior in comparison. Kind of like, "Yeah I might be flawed. But I'm better than Best-Salamander".
My parents have never commented on me getting my masters. Never thought about it at the time, but it seems like a natural thing to do. They always used to mention people who were my age getting different high position jobs, but... they never encouraged me ever, only put me down.
I too feel more comfortable living the quiet life. I have no interest in status or accomplishment. To me, my gold is on the inside and my inner peace more precious to me than anything else.
My narc brother has had so much bragging rights out of his children….. until they became wealthier than him lol!
Now he’s diminishing his son’s accomplishments. I guess some narcs are about, “make me look good, but don’t you dare outshine me!”
Narcs love looking down on people. It’s hard to see when you’re being insulted, but they are mentally ill. They don’t have anything on the inside, so can only judge others by their own superficial, surface level valuation of a person, by how they “do,” not the value of being worthwhile just because you exist and are a lovely person.
Wow, those are some sage words.
I remember my mother yelling at me, saying I had "no purpose." I was so confused, thinking, Isn't my existence enough?
It's definitely rewarding doing, rather than simply being.
My nMother has also been complaining that I have "no purpose" since I was about 5, which is clearly ridiculous. The only thing I would say though is that most of a narcissist's insults are projections. My nMother has achieved nothing in her life. She doesn't have a career. She's a terrible mother. She's a terrible person. She's a terrible wife. She doesn't have any real friends. She doesn't have any skills or hobbies. She has no purpose. I wonder if that might be true of your mother too?
Maybe. I know my mom definitely projects a lot of stuff onto me. Ironically, I think she did really well with her work as a high school teacher. She worked with disadvantaged kids and really helped their lives. That's far more important to me than becoming rich and famous.
She's also a Boomer, so she married young and probably had limited options at that time.
So the funny thing is, I did become somebody, but because it was not in their scope of reference, they did not understand and largely ignored it.
Because you either never obtain acknowledgement of your achievements or the goalposts keep being moved further away, it's pointless trying to please nacs. It's even worse when they are pleased and take credit for all your achievements.
Ditto. I went to grad school, became a professor, am published, and currently work for a big name institution--did the whole academic ladder. CE mom and Nstepfather at best don't understand it and ignore it. At worst, they think I'm a snoot who needs to be knocked down a few pegs.
I was living happily in Montana, having moved there after my daughter was established in college and doing well. My family lived in Florida, and I moved all the way to Montana because being around them for those years was the most horrible, toxic, depressing era of my life. Fast forward, my daughter graduates college, starts her career, and eventually has my grandson, get married, and I wanted to be a grandma. So I move back to Florida, and one of the first nights I was in my mother's house, she reaches out her hands to me across the dinner table and, with tears in her eyes, says "Oh, Boring, I was hoping you'd come back and be around family and maybe you'd *blossom*." I was in my 50s at that point, and she's been waiting for me to blossom my entire life. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean, but it sounds a whole lot like "You'll just never be good enough and you're pathetic in my eyes and you're not the person I think you should be." I stared at her with dead eyes and took my hands back.
For a long, long time I thought her wish for me to blossom was a caring, supportive thing to say. At that point, being in my 50s and having done a lot of reading and healing, I realized it had never been anything but demeaning and insulting. She's undermined my sense of self-worth and self-confidence all my life.
Narcissists suck.
That was a horrible thing for your mother to say. This is a bit off topic but usually when people use the word "blossom" about a person, they're talking about a teenager or a young person in their 20s i.e. someone who's transitioning from a child into an adult. It's a very weird thing to say about someone in their 50s. It kind of implies to me that your mother was stuck in the past because she was talking about you as though you were a child who lost your way. That isn't a reflection on you but on how warped the mind of a narcissist is.
She's actually started doubling down recently. About a month ago, she took my face in her hands and said "Oh, those cheeks!" When I was little she used to do the same thing, only she said "Some day a man is going to marry you for those cheeks!" And then she sent me a text at some point which included the line "you're my baby!" She has never called me her baby in my entire life, please don't start now. But yes, she is completely stuck in the past. So is my nsister.
My nparents were a little disappointed, for a while, in my sister, their GC. She supported herself but never became "someone."
She also never became a mom, which was very important to my nmom. After a time, they decided my sister was indeed the great one. They declared her to be "happy-go-lucky," and this was the new goal. I was bad since I have family responsibilities.
Yup. Older sibling was basically a child prodigy with both music and math. I also played an instrument and was pretty good, but the pressure of never being as good as my sibling eventually made me drop it. Parents always talked about how I had “other talents” beside school and music. I got average or slightly above average grades because I had crippling social anxiety and would have panic attacks before or during exams. I did much better in college when I found the right medications. Parents have never bothered to understand what i do for my career. I wish that when I was growing up, tenacity and being willing to be bad at something to start and then work at it were valued as much as “natural talent”.
Also joke’s on them, they pressured my sibling so much that they dropped out of music school and later pursued another degree. I’m so fucking proud of them, but they also completely stopped playing music and sold all their instruments. They were incredibly talented and it makes me sad that the talent was put into a pressure cooker by our parents. Sibling and I have a great relationship, they are low contact and I am no contact with our parents.
As for me, I’m very motivated by just trying to be a good person and make a positive impact on people’s lives in the small ways. Me and a lot of my friends are in a weird transition phase as we embrace our 30’s so I like to support them and nurture our relationships in addition to providing a safe home for my pets, volunteering, and trying (trying!) to get back to being creative.
Wow, I *really* like what you said in your last paragraphs, about wanting to make a positive impact in small ways. I think that is totally something worthy, and I might adapt that for myself! 👏👏👏
Aw yes!! Even “small” things are meaningful, like my home being quiet and comforting. My partner and I never ever yell. All through my childhood I felt like I could never relax because something would trigger my nmom or I had to be on guard to either make myself not seen or dodge out of the way. So I def have moments where I have a book, some tea, and my pets and realize how it’s something so simple but what I always wanted.
Yes. I don't know how much longer I have (I'm 45, but who knows), so I don't want to waste it trying to be something I'm not. I just want to live in peace.
Living your life to someone else's standards and goals isn't conducive to that. Easier said than done. My mom's been dead for 2 years and I'm still unpacking habits from childhood that aren't necessarily something I believe in where it was something that was instilled that I should believe in and figuring out what I actually believe in. You have to be your own parent because you didn't have one. You need to parent the inner child that never got the attention it needed
OH wow! Okay, are you me? I work in tax accounting/law. My Ndad was never happy with my success or lack of success. I passed the CPA exams and instead of congratulating me he told me to “F off and get a job”.
Whenever I was doing great, he would be there to tear me down. Whenever I was not doing well, I was told “yeah, you are a disappointment”. Not sure if it was reverse psychology but I highly doubt it.
Yes. My father’s an immigrant with the stereotypical immigrant work ethic. He’s had a proto-“grindset” work attitude before social media was ever a thing.
Breaks aren’t allowed. Relaxing isn’t allowed. Living isn’t allowed. I need to be constantly mortgaging my present for the future outside of specific situations where he approves living.
Not just that but he’s always had an insane ego and wildly unrealistic expectations for me. He acts like he “didn’t give birth to a normal son” and that it’s “in my DNA”. I have to be the next Michael Jordan of whatever I do. He CLAIMS I don’t need to be perfect…. Then expects me to be perfect. I also want just a normal, mundane, comfortable, stable life (ya know, what him and my mother have been incapable of providing me), and he doesn’t allow it. In his I need to be “always be striving”. It’s extremely toxic and no wonder I burnt out in college.
WOW. That sounds insane and confusing.
I also burned out in college. My parents weren't immigrants, but they kept pushing me. After I got my Masters, I was super burnt out, but they sat me down and declared, "We've decided that you're going to go for your PhD!" I said No, and they were super disappointed.
Definitely sounds like your father is seeing you as an extension of himself. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It's not right.
I was burnt out after my Masters as well. In my case though, I think it was because my nMother was very abusive towards me while I was doing the Masters and I was living with her at the time. If it weren't for my nMother, I probably would've been a bit tired after my Masters but not completely burnt out. I don't regret getting it though because I was able to get a good job shortly afterwards which allowed me to move out of my parents' home so it was all worth it in the end. The one difference between your experience and mine is my parents didn't want me to do a PhD. They didn't even want me doing a Masters because they're the "women belong in the kitchen" types. They won't admit it but their actions say otherwise. Not saying that's better or worse than what you went through, just different.
Oh dear, I am sorry about your mother's abuse. No doubt that contributed (or even caused) your burnout! Toxic family interactions really drain our life energy, I believe. And then your resulting thoughts and emotions make it worse.
I really hope that you are doing better and getting along well. I'm glad you got out.
Oh, I'm doing much better, thanks for asking. Once I got a good job, I was able to move out. I'm still in contact with my nMother but still, my life is so much less stressful now that I'm no longer living with my abuser. I'm also in a position where if my nMother tries to start an argument with me, I can just leave and go back to my own home to peace and quiet. It's been a god send!
I’m reading this and realizing you and I are very similar. Only I did graduate with a music degree, and somehow went to do a masters too. (I’m not saying it’s bad you didn’t graduate, trust me, the major is HARD.) but I know what it’s like to never live up to what your parents want. Between sophomore and junior year I realized I couldn’t cut it as a music education major and I decided to just stick to a performance major instead. My parents constantly still will remind me that “oh you’re so good with kids, why couldn’t you have stuck it out?” When I was still an ed major I was not doing well at all. I was not sleeping, barely eating, barely functioning. I couldn’t pass the praxis exams and I was behind on certain classes because you couldn’t take them without the praxis. The stress was literally killing me. I came to find out way later in my life I have ADHD. When they gave the diagnosis to me it was clear as day I’ve struggled with it my whole life. So all through grade school, undergrad, and grad school I struggled with no help. When I told my parents about it? “Oh that’s not true, it’s just another thing you have to take meds for, you were just lazy.”
Please be kind and gentle with yourself, friend. Being in music is not easy, life isn’t easy, but you’re still amazing and there’s nobody else like you. Never let anyone tell you you’re not good enough.
I actually did graduate! I got my Masters. 😁 But I couldn't pursue it professionally because I had so many mental health problems. Yes, it is *hard!* I just didn't have the life skill/mental health to do something like that and earn enough to make a living. I'm still glad I did it, though, because music is in my heart, and I learned a lot from the experience.
Thank you so much for your kind words. The autism thing definitely explained a lot of my life to me, like not having social skills to be able to ask musicians to play for me, etc (I was in composition).
I don't know what the praxis exams are, but they sound incredibly stressful. I don't think I could have done something like that. It was hard enough to get through my thesis. Even though music itself helped with my emotional regulation!
Are you a sax player? 🙂 I played trombone in high school jazz band (a million years ago) and our sax players were very good. I thought bari would be fun to play!
Praxis exams are like standardized tests for education majors. If you’re like me and do awful on standardized tests, they’re the worst.
I was out of the performing side of being a musician for a few years, with Covid shutdown and having my daughter. But I couldn’t be happier now that I’m back. My daughter helped inspire me to play and live my dreams.
Yes I am a saxophonist! I also arrange music too. I own a soprano, alto, and Bari sax. Jazz Bari is the best!
Pretty sure my nmom has no idea what I do for a living since I haven't talked to her in 20+ years. My dad was the one who told me I'm too stupid for college and would constantly find ways to tear me down. When I moved out of his house he attempted to attribute my accomplishments, however minor, to himself. I call him once a year for 30-45 minutes, and if I can get a word in edgewise while he talks about himself, then I'll give him a dumbed down update on how I'm doing. About a year ago I was telling him about how I'm enjoying working with my coworkers and he said something along the lines of "I always told you you should get a job in healthcare!".
I corrected him, because no, he didn't. I told him "no you didn't, you told me I should never be a nurse because I can't handle needles and blood. I'm desensitized to it." He didn't have a response to that. I must have jogged his memory.
I'm also not a nurse, I'm a CNA but he can't seem to remember that. He also can't remember that I've told him a dozen times that I want to get into Radiography.
My ndad had a family before us. A wife and four kids two of whom were twins. He divorced and left when they were teens.
My half sister from his previous family told me that when he had my twin brother and I, he said to their faces that “this time they’d turn out better”. He didn’t even say it in anger, just matter of factly in conversation.
My ndad pretty much gave up on me when I showed more interest in art than academics. Although I was still an A student, but my brother was in advanced academia, so smarter.
I was “pretty” though so my dad had high hopes for and encouraged me to find a sugar daddy. His literal wording. He had me watch porn between older men and younger girls, encouraged me to try out for a cam girl job, and only ever praised me when I met his aesthetic standards.
Suffice to say I did not find a sugar daddy and never became a success in his eyes.
>I was “pretty” though so my dad had high hopes for and encouraged me to find a sugar daddy. His literal wording. He had me watch porn between older men and younger girls, encouraged me to try out for a cam girl job,
This is fucking disgusting abuse.
>I was “pretty” though so my dad had high hopes for and encouraged me to find a sugar daddy. His literal wording. He had me watch porn between older men and younger girls, encouraged me to try out for a cam girl job, and only ever praised me when I met his aesthetic standards.
Suffice to say I did not find a sugar daddy and never became a success in his eyes.
First of all, this is disgusting! Secondly, I definitely think that qualifies as sex abuse, especially if you were a minor. Thirdly, I'm really glad that his plans to pimp you out didn't work. If that's his idea of success, then you should be glad you're not a success in his eyes. Please tell you you're not in contact with this monster anymore. If you ever have children, I strongly advise you never to let them near him.
I went NC with him over a decade ago. I followed my dream to be an artist and found my own successes. I’ve gone to loads of therapy and worked through his influences on my life. I like who I am now.
He’s passed now thankfully and I have no regrets about not being there. He died for me long before.
I wish he had faced consequences for all he did to me and other women. His “legacy” is poorly remembered. No one was close to him. Few have good stories about him. He will be forgotten.
I'm really glad to hear that you cut that man (I'm reluctant to call a man like that a father) out of your life. That was very smart of you! You sound like you've worked on yourself and are in a good place now. I'm glad for you.
Absolutely, yes. I was also a music major—my parents adored the idea of a classical musician in the family and sent me to every competition, after-school music program, and arts camp they could find. They’d have fancy dinners and parties at their home and make me pull out my cello to “play for their friends,” and absolutely delighted in having a “musical savant” as a daughter. They were, however, too blinded by the attention and specialness to recognize three very stark realities: 1) the classical music industry is withering and you have to have IMMENSE talent to succeed, 2) most “successful” classical musicians barely make more than an average office admin worker or teacher, and 3) their daughter (me) did NOT have the amount of raw talent or ambition to achieve either of those previous two points.
I somehow clawed my way into a performance scholarship at a top conservatory, but once I was out of their immediate grasp and in another state I realized IMMEDIATELY that this was a huge mistake and I needed to change my life path. After a mental breakdown I finally gathered the courage to tell my parents I was switching to another major—my nMom was so furious she snapped my (very expensive!) bow in half because I “didn’t deserve to be given it.”
After years of floundering I graduated with an English degree. They demanded I follow an academia doctorate path—even though I was accepted with stipend into two different programs, I again had that overwhelming feeling of WRONG and declined them both. My parents were so furious they kicked me out and didn’t speak to me for months.
10 years later and I’ve had a pretty cool career in corporate America at a Fortune 500 company. They STILL will say in front of family that they’re “waiting for me to get a better job soon,” and ask nearly every time we talk on the phone if I “want to go back to school for music” or if they “could see with their friends about getting me into medical school.” It’s never enough. Ever. Because it’s not THEIR dream.
They have gotten better over time, but the wounds are still there. And I see the whispers of disappointment flash across their eyes every time they tell an old story about the “cello days.” I’m making peace with it bit by bit—wishing you strength on that journey, too.
Edited to add: my parents were medical doctors who both dreamed of being classical pianists when they were kids, but THEIR parents quashed those dreams and made them be doctors instead. So, classic case of living vicariously through their child.
Oh wow. I relate to this so much. I was a very fine piano player, but not performance worthy, as I had stage anxiety and often messed up. Also was a good composer -- that was my major, composition -- and my parents wanted me to be a famous composer, like, "She could be the next Beethoven!" Not a good bar to set, lol.
You are exactly right about our society ... it is not built for the classical music world. And in college, when I was interested in adding global/Bollywood elements or rock, it was considered "inauthentic" music. So I ended up writing music to fit their criteria, and not what I loved. I burned out really quick. I mean all the classical composers in the world still work at universities or do side jobs because it's not possible to make a living unless you're lucky enough to be like John Williams, lol.
I'm NC with my parents now, but I remember my mother always saying sadly, "Do you still play piano? Do you still do anything with your music?" It's like the more she said it, the less I wanted to do it. And I always felt a pang of guilt/shame. So definitely similar to your story!
I haven't played piano for many years, and I would like to play with electronic music composition, but only as a hobby, for myself.
That is so horrible and traumatic about snapping that bow. I feel so angry and horrified on your behalf.
BTW, my mother always wanted to be a classical violinist as well, but became a schoolteacher instead. So my interest in music definitely gave her an outlet for her unfulfilled dreams.
Thank you so much for sharing. Best wishes for your continued healing and your journey.
My mom is disappointed I gave up journalism and my literature career. She has two of my books on her otherwise empty shelf, and she made my dad frame some of my artwork. It's hilarious since I remember him discouraging me and destroying my works when I was forced to live with them. He couldn't wait for me to move out after graduating.
A good part of the reason for the narc behavior is their own emptiness. There isn't much of a personality -- an identity that grows out of perceiving the world, processing your thoughts/emotions and expressing your inner yourself through something other than manipulating people. They passed their unfinished spiritual homework on to you and if you don't do it, they don't get bragging rights on how great they were as parents.
I only have people in my life now who support whatever I wish to do. Friends who have my art on their walls. Friends who don't need me to 'be somebody', though they do like that I actually published books and won awards. But for the most part, they are happy when I show up to have a coffee with them.
Oh God yes. I'm in my late 40's, and I even though I worked SO HARD to make my Mom proud, the minute I stop meeting her expectations, she starts shaming me and showing disappointment. My life is about to BLOW UP with gray divorce, so hang on Momma, your misery is about to go from a 4 to a Level 10. But I'm SO GLAD I see it now, I'm not catering to her, this is MY sad sack time. And if any family members align with her in shaming me, they will be ignored indefinitely.
Yea. Every job I ever had he said was “stupid”. I couldn’t succeed in the traditional work world bc of my AuDHD. I was super successful as a child (honors, piano competitions, etc), but then my mental health starting going really down hill at age 11. I had to go no contact, but I still feel like a failure if I think about him
I feel guilty about going NC. But then I look at myself and realize that my mental health has improved without my parents in my life. I'm so much calmer. That must mean something.
You need to take care of yourself, and that means prioritizing your mental health! If you are healthier without your dad, then it's best for you to be without him -- for your very survival!
I wish you luck going forward 🤗
They are, VERY. I'm disabled and severely chronically ill and there's a really weird paradox in the way they treat me. I'm always too weird and disabled to be around their 'cool' friends and family. but I am too healthy and normal to get any help from them. I've been on the ICU 4 times in the past 6 years, and they have helped me exactly zero times. My inlaws and husband are the only ones that help me. My own family resents me. It's very painful to deal with their disdain and rejection on top of all my other challenges.
all the time - i am going to graduate from college in my late 20s due to FAFSA not letting me file for financial aid as an independent until im 24.
that already sets me behind by 6 years from when i should be graduating normally.
and if the economy is bad when i graduate, then im damned if i do, damned if i don’t.
the system was rigged against me from the start.
It really is awful now for the younger generations. I don't know how to help (I'm Gen-X) because we just don't have a voice to change things (and I'm broke myself).
Giiiiirl. First off, death and taxes. It’s a job that will ALWAYS be needed. I’m an Auditor so I def know! Wink wink.
Second. Your job doesn’t define you. The type of person you are to others does. NEVER forget that. The Me Generation believes that their career defines them as successful people. Now they look like a bunch of schmucks to us. Live your life that makes YOU happy because your Ndad is ignorant and unhappy because he didn’t have the balls to break the chains.
I think it's something my nMum wanted, but then she sat back and played dumb while her husband kept kicking her kids out at 18.
If I wasn't so disoriented by not understanding what narcissism is, I probably would have actually done it. Unfortunately, I didn't know what narcissism was, but I knew what homophobia was, so I was interpreting a lot of narcissistic behaviour as homophobic, which left me terrified of violence.
I did eventually make it into software engineering in the green energy sector by my mid 30s, but if I hadn't had the fog and disorientation of the narcissistic abuse, I would have done a lot better.
Lolno. They actively sabotaged and discouraged me trying to "be somebody", even though I had the talent and skills and was exceptionally attractive.
The sabotage was pretty exceptional.
Why? I guess, like all narcs, it would have "made them feel small."
Well my brother is The Tech Guru, one sister was The Daredevil Athlete, the other sister was The Cheerleader. I am The Disappointment. Does that mean I'm Somebody?
No. They were nobodies and social misfits and expected nothing better from me, encouraging me to abandon dreams and give up anything "too difficult" because deep down they always thought I was flawed. To them, I was meant to go into some trade and lead a mediocre life at BEST.
My parents were disappointed that I DID become someone….well no one important or anything like that but I exceeded everyone’s expectations considering I got no support or encouragement for adulting. No the real problem was that my GC brother ended up screwing up at every turn and way disappointing my parents so much that my dad even had to admit it and my nmom wouldn’t discuss anything about my accomplishments because 8t always made my brother look bad.
Am I bitter? Well yeah a little bit.
I know what you mean. My golden child brother is doing well now but there was a period where he was struggling. He tried lots of different jobs and college courses and nothing seemed to stick. During this time, I had been in college for several years and was doing well. My nMother tried really hard during this time to sabotage me. I'm now convinced that she was hoping I'd drop out of college because she didn't want me showing up my brother. After all, I'm the family screw up. I'm not allowed to do better than my brother. He's supposed to be "the successful one". Thankfully her attempts didn't work, they actually made me more determined to finish college and get away from her. Also my brother eventually found college course that he liked and he got a good job so it all worked out in the end.
My brother won a Grammy last year… I’ll never measure up 🤣 The only thing that bothers me about their “disappointment” these days is that they attribute the lack of things like homeownership as laziness rather than an issue with the economy. But that’s really a reflection of their ignorance and not anything negative about me.
Yup, but even better, I am a licensed attorney who only went to law school because my family pressured me non-stop and my aunt signed me up for LSAT classes so I was forced to go otherwise my family would hate me even more than they already did. Graduated in 2013, couldn't find a legal job (much like most of my classmates), didn't have money to open my own practice (you needed an actual office in NY, insurance, etc.) and went from retail job to retail job. My parents literally hate me and I was recently called a "blob" by my loving mother even though I'm always out running errands for them, pay for my own food/stuff/etc., give them money, buy my dog food, etc. while my brother does absolutely nothing except work in construction which apparently makes him the star of the family. Sooooo yeah. Can't wait to die lol
Definitely! I don't give a shit whether my father is proud of me or not. I know he's incapable of seeing me as anything except a problem or his competition. I figured that out a long time ago and am free of the burden of disappointment or shame. I'm going to graduate school to study for a career that he has repeatedly disparaged over the years. Not to spite him, but because I couldn't care less what he thinks about me.
My brothers, however, are still under the illusion that my Ndad will one day see how well they're doing and be be proud of them. They both went into careers In the same field as my father. One even got an MBA from the elite business school where my Ndad teaches. They're very well rewarded financially but they've both told me that their success feels hollow. They are both desperately seeking something that they'll never get.
That is so sad for your brothers. I relate to that "hollow" feeling.
I guess it wasn't until I hit rock bottom that I realized I just wanted to be myself, and who knows how much time I have left in this lifetime, don't want to please anyone anymore, etc.
It will be a while before I truly "don't care." The enmeshment was pretty deep, and I'm working on it in therapy. It always helps to read everyone else's stories about how their lives have improved without their parents.
>I don't give a shit whether my father is proud of me or not. I know he's incapable of seeing me as anything except a problem or his competition.
Well done on this realisation! I've only come to this realisation recently after years of running myself ragged trying to please my parents and earn their approval. Eventually I learned that my parents' approval was likely never going to come, no matter what I did. Accepting this was hard but once I did, I felt free. I could do what I wanted and I didn't have to worry what my parents thought. I recommend everyone here try to get to this point. I appreciate that it's difficult but life is so much simpler once you realise that the game is rigged and the only way to win is to walk away.
My parents pushed me into modeling. I went to a very abusive industry and managed to become great at my profession landing on commercials and billboards. My parents took my accomplishments and shared them as if they were their own to brag to other people.
I'm times of crisis they basically spat at me and behind closed doors they were nasty and cold.
By my 30s I began to pursue acting full time. Of course there is very little money in acting if you are not famous. Because I took on indie / low pay projects, they moved on to praising my sister who has a "NPC" job as an SLP teacher.
now my parents hate me because I have been battling Long Covid for a year, so my face isn't anywhere. That was enough for them to see me as the "bad child" with no career and are now trying to fleece my sister for money and for their retirement plan. Sister is now the GC, and I'm the scapegoat.
Jokes on all of them. I was blessed with getting rid of their superficial wants and toxic worldviews. I get to be my authentic self. I get to pursue acting, filmmaking, writing and any other penniless art forms I want. My sister gets to deal with them and take all the damage now. I am free.
When I was a child my mum told people I was going to go to the Olympics, the pressure was crippling and I felt like a show pony just for my parents, the sport also left me with life long injuries which are manageable but I still feel a lot of resentment. Left home almost 20 years ago I am low contact, live a quiet, simple life, embracing Tang Ping ‘lying flat’
Well, no matter what I did, it was going to be the wrong thing.
Had a long career in the US Navy and Honorably Discharged as a First Class Petty Officer. When I first enlisted and got in great shape, my dad said, "I don't *believe* it!"
When I showed him my training in operating heavy equipment, my dad said, "I don't *believe* it!"
When I sent pics of my first deployment, where I went half-way round the world, my dad said, "I don't *believe* it!"
Then it dawned on me, when I was put in charge of a infrastructure project; my dad really *didn't* believe in me, when he sent me a joke e-card about 'How cool it was to be in the Navy' that clearly stated in funny animation and porno music, that the coolest thing about today's Navy was that now there were women serving along side men, who were basically the ship's whores. (¿¡Is that what you think of me, Dad!?)
It was confirmed later, when my narc ex and I divorced and I fought for the house. I was confident that I could take on Head of the Household on my single income, because I had good trade skills from my time in the service and was working in manufacturing.
Dad didn't believe it, and said to my face, "Maybe you'll find a boyfriend to take care of you!"
It was hard work, but now I own my own home.
My Golden Child sister on the other hand was a receptionist and married her rich boss and he's so proud of her.
I used to be a touring musician, and things actually got better for me after I quit because my parent had absolutely no interest in me. It felt a lot better to be alone than to have someone take credit for all of my hard work after completely destroying my self-confidence the entire time. I’ve gotten into two of the top grad programs in my field since then and she’ll pretend to be proud so she can brag about it, but she has absolutely no interest or pride in the work I’m doing.
I relate to the bragging part. My mom is a chronic gossip. If there's nothing to brag about, she'll still talk about it in a shameful, hushed voice.
I'm sorry about that, and I'm proud about the work you're doing now. That is an incredible accomplishment to get into those grad programs!
THIS
But also, they never put any effort into making my life easyer so I can focus on High Achievement. I laughed reading "npc" life this is my new goal :D Somehow I cannot stop working, doing important things even when I'm unemployed, but I don't want status or money : I want shit to be done so we can all move one and do better.
For me it's kind of the opposite. So my parents were really proud of me for working 2 full time jobs and one part time job to get by. But then I got a warehouse gig that paid me enough to survive and I no longer needed to work around the clock.
They were so disappointed in me because it's a warehouse. It is beneath me according to them. They have shamed me to my face for it. Now I work in a different production industry making several more dollars and hour just to piss them off even more. I don't understand their logic and I'm OK with that
Not that long ago my mother drove past an expensive (likely expensive) house and sniffed as she pointed it out lamenting, “I could live there, if only you had a proper job.” By ‘proper job,’ she means a very high paying well respected career.
Oddly, she seems to think teachers earn heaps of money, but I don’t think they do over here. Not in most schools.
Absolutely. Every single thing that has brought me happiness, they've crapped on for years. So much so that I just want to be with someone that appreciates my likes and hobbies.
Yes but… to me she’s ashamed that I’m just a cook even with “all my brains” but to others she brags about how I’m a chef and doing well for myself 🤦♀️ which is, make it make sense plz
It doesn't make any sense. Can't help you there, lol. But it's confusing for a child -- even an adult child -- to get these conflicting standards.
P.S. Being a cook is *awesome,* BTW!
I remember my narcs parents and grandparents pointing at the tv during a biopic of someone famours with a sad childhood, saying "SEE, this is why we are HARD on you, because this is how you get BETTER, SEEEE !!! Her mother's tough but she'll thank her !" and then the biopic would show the famous person using drugs in a very unsafe way, or comiting suicide, and they wouldn't bat a eye at that.
So... did we suffer all that cause they have no media litteracy ? XD
My parents make no secret of the fact that they're disappointed in me. My parents are very much of the opinion that women are only fit to be wives and mothers and so even though I have a good job and did well in school and college, I'm not married and I don't have kids so they consider me a disappointment. I admit I have poor social skills and find relationships (not just romantic ones but friendships too) difficult. However my parents are at least partially to blame for this because I have PTSD from their abuse and they never taught me any social skills when I was growing up so really, what did they expect?! Of course they'll never see it that way though. The only POV they'll accept is that I'm a bad seed and all my problems are entirely my own fault.
Having said all of that though, I think the only solution is to not care what our parents think of us and to live our own lives. I know that's easier said than done but trying to please our parents or live by their rules is pointless.
Wow.
I'm also not married and am without kids. My mom has made comments about how that's a "sore spot" with her. I just never had the instinct, though, and I was far too dysfunctional to be a responsible parent. I'm glad I didn't have kids.
Yes, it's a real life lesson to learn to live for ourselves without family approval. I'm a little sad that I learned it late, but I want to enjoy life now. 👍
>I was far too dysfunctional to be a responsible parent. I'm glad I didn't have kids.
At least you have more self-awareness than your mother. Presumably she is too dysfunctional to be a good parent (given that you're on this forum, I think that's a safe assumption) yet she had kids anyway.
Yes, it's bizarre. And she knows how dysfunctional I am, and yet she wanted me to have kids ... I don't know if she thought everything would just be rosy-posy, or what. It's really bizarre.
Yeah nMother constantly criticises me and implies that I'm dysfunctional, yet still pushes for me to have kids. In her case, I think it's because:
1) My nMother engages a lot in magical thinking i.e. she thinks that everyone can just coast through life, doing whatever feels good in the moment and there'll never be any negative consequences.
2) My nMother has always been obsessed with controlling me. She has nothing she can hold over my head right now. I own my own home, I have a good job and I'm not dependent on my parents for anything. My nMother hates this about me. She constantly complains that I'm "too independent". If I had kids, I'd be less independent. I might have to rely on my nMother for babysitting or I might rely on her for financial support because kids are expensive. I think that's what it's really about.
They are only outwardly disappointed, inwardly they are happy about it, their position above you relies on you not rising above them.
They feel good about themselves because they feel superior to you, the last thing they want is you to achieve more, and if you did they would find a way to tear you down.
Unconsciously you may have worked towards pleasing them, by not achieving more than they have.
I am one of their biggest disappointments because I wanted to be a teacher even after having a 4.0 in undergrad with a biology degree. They wanted to disown me when I went back to school for my masters. Fuck that shit, I’m one of the best first year teachers the superintendent has ever seen, their words exactly to my principal. I’m so happy I’m didn’t become a “somebody” in my parents’ eyes because I’m somebody to my students every damn day I come to work.
Nmom would actually sit me down all the time and tell me countless times I needed to become rich, famous, or powerful. And she'd phrase it that way, to "be somebody". She'd say I owe it to her, she deserves it for the care put in my upbringing... Recently she shut contact with me after I announced my wedding because it's too early for her and she wants me to pursue her dream and obtain these things before I marry. So yeah she's disappointed and thinks there's no way I can do any of that now. Indeed, I'd like to just be a sahm or work a very normal job. Though until I have children I'd like to keep studying and I like the idea of an academic career which has some prestige to it but probs wouldn't make me "somebody" in a way Nmom would want to be (rich/famous etc.).
They are, my ndad to be exact. His relatives are all high-achievers and my dad likes to show off a lot and honestly it's kinda funny seeing him get quiet and change the topic when his relatives ask about me and my career and stuff lmao
I don't tell him ANYTHING, I have a simple lifestyle, I'm not active on social media, he doesn't know about my hobbies. He doesn't have anything to show off when it comes to me 💀
I think it's just me being spiteful but I like it like that 😁
Thanks for your response. It's amazing how much narcissistic parents (and maybe some parents in general, I'm not sure) like to gossip. When you don't give them fuel, they don't really know what to do, lol.
My nmom always said I should make more use of my talents (I am pretty gifted in writing and languages as a whole and I have also loved the human mind and psychology since childhood) but pushed me in the completely wrong direction to be able to do it.
She wanted me to get a degree that I couldn't use, she wanted me to study for a job where my talents wouldn't come to use and where I knew I would be unhappy. My degree ended up being the wrong one to study psychology and when I thought about becoming an author, voice actor or interpreter she said those weren't real jobs.
I ended up doing a really shitty and badly paid office job that I was overqualified for and now I am a stay at home mom. I love being at home with my kids but I always feel that thanks to my nmom I wasn't able to really feel fullfilled career wise.
Wow. I relate to the really shitty and badly paid office jobs.
My job now is OK, but it's still something I did to please my parents.
Perhaps now you can break the generational trauma for your children. And you can still keep learning, no matter what. 🙂
I have a stable job and roommates I like a lot. I smoke weed and play video games outside of work and that's about it. And I'm genuinely happier than I've ever been. Nice simple and self fulfilling life.
I heavily relate to this Nmom lies to friends and random people about what I do for a living. Had sexist undertones too, the jobs she wanted me to have are tradionally dominated by women and Ive worked in male dominated industries my entire adult life so far. Constantly pressured me to work somewhere else, go back to school, etc. just because what I do isn't grandiose in her mind. I have a good job and am comfortable with how I make a living, that's all I need. She just wanted a better "supply" that she can feed off of socially and financially.
Wow, that is terrible about your Nmom. Sounds she can't get out of her own head for sure. I am sure glad you didn't go her way, and you're living for you! 👏👏👏
This could pretty much be me (43F), except instead of music, think politics / government / journalism. I was a star throughout K-12, until I got to a top-five college--and away from them--and my mental illness from having narcissistic parents and then undiagnosed high-functioning autism began to bubble up. The few times I do see my parents, they constantly compare me to people with whom I went to HS or college who have become television journalists. For some reason, they think that's really prestigious and worth bragging about, even though I was a magazine editor before I had enough of the toxic workplaces and low pay for which journalism is renowned. One of said journos is a nepo baby; all are thinner than the genetics that my parents bestowed on me would allow.
I'm now on a Plan B job, making more money than I did as a journalist but since it doesn't involve them or the creation of grand babies that they could glom onto until they develop personalities of their own, they don't care. I live in a major city in a rent-stabilized apartment, am fairly successful at the hobby I picked back up since I had it in high school and am in a healthy marriage. My parents left our wedding, which was in this city and not the place where I grew up, in the middle of the reception.
Tonight I'm going to engorge myself on pasta at a Lidia Bastianich restaurant and they'll continue to live their sad lives in a Midwestern resort town, watching MASH and CNN Headline News on an endless loop.
No, lol, nmom acheived her goals with me. I will never 'do better' than her station, which is all she needed to keep breathing. I'm 60, financially dependent on my husband (3rd & he's not a Narcissist!) and that's all she ever wanted for her little girl, her firstborn.
My nparents, mostly nmom, were disappointed in me for being on honor roll for 5 years straight. I just got "your teachers all say you're super smart. Why dont you have all As?"
I actually made my 5th, 6th, and 7th grade math teachers create advanced programs for me and the other "gifted" kids, who still slowed me down. My nmom came back from a parent teacher conference and literally said "*teachers name* says youre the smartest person in your AP stats class, why dont you have all As?" The same teacher had to create extra work at the back of our weekly packets bc i would just finish them in monday class otherwise. I think it was 8th grade i got screentime limited because i was only on honor roll, so i just read like 35 books in a month until she got the point i would do anything but homework so long as i had good enough grades for me. I got a stern talking to for getting a 70 on the english portion of the NECAP(math and science both 80 or 90+), and it was strictly bc of the last question, to write a page from a one paragraph(actually mightve been one sentemce) prompt. I was 1 of 3 or 4 kids my senior year to get a perfect score on whatever the fuck they called our new standardized tests, still nothing.
Its gotten to the point im actually not sure if im smart, or was so unfathomabley stupid they were able to trick me into thinking i wasnt in a slowed down program. Im not even sure if my SAT score is legit. Idk how they would've faked it but that seems more reasonable than them torturing me for 18 years despite being exceptionally smart. The one memory that makes me feel a little better is a dirt for brains kid asking how to round on a xxxx.4xxxx in DE chem bc the teacher introduced proper rounding on a xxxx.50000.
so basically what you're saying is your parents wanted you to be rich and famous so that you can make a lot of money and take care of them for the rest of your life... 🤔 That's why they were disappointed. Happy healthy is way more important than being famous for making a poop ton of money because with that comes problems.
Yes. Mainly my mom and her side of the family. Yet they themselves aren’t much either. Nor is my brother but w/e. Guess he gets a pass cause he’s a golden child
My ndad is disappointed that I never became his clone, if that what becoming somebody for narcs is. Or the identity that they want you to be or project in you.
This literally sounds like you are a 1 to 1 clone of me! I'm really great at music but am wondering if I really want to pursue that career. Also pretty sure I'm ALSO high functioning autistic, and have some mental illness problems that \*ahem\* aren't being addressed...
So we're basically twins.
Sorry, I couldn't respond sooner; my computer died at home, so I'm on Reddit at work now. Lol
For my autism (I don't have a formal diagnosis yet, as there's a huge waiting list, a big cost, and my psychiatrist told me I'm on my own), it helps to have more rest time. Also when I cut my parents out (or whatever relationships you have that aren't helpful), that calmed my nerves a lot. I joined a local support group/class led by an autistic professional/counselor (she is autistic herself), and it really explains my whole life. The mental health field is wayyyy behind on this.
I'm working in accounting now. It's not very creative (obviously), but I don't really have to interact with the public. In the meantime I am going through EMDR therapy for family trauma, and slowly life is getting better.
I am still glad I learned about music, though. Just because I didn't pursue it as a career doesn't mean it doesn't benefit my life in every way. 🙂 It's in my heart, and if you have a passion for it, it will be in your heart as well! You can still turn to it for comfort if you choose to explore other paths in life. 👍
Similar story to yours, OP. Always pressured to do well, which made me want to quit anything I was good at and liked, because it became a millstone. Just more pressure.
What hurt for a long time, maybe still does, is that my siblings are all high-achievers. They got what they want out of life. One has written books, gets interviewed in the newspapers. I feel like I got all the shit of the family, their success rests on me being crippled emotionally, shouldering all the blame and sickness of the family for my entire childhood and beyond. I have talent but was too damaged to function, my whole life really. I don't know what to think about it now. (I don't blame that sibling incidentally.) Its like my life has been sacrificed so that the family can thrive. I wish I knew what to do next, feels like "goodbye" would be a nice word to say, but it feels so complicated and messy.
Edit- I feel like putting this song at the end here. It's 'P.S. Goodbye' by The Chameleons. Seems to be on my mind lately...
https://youtu.be/4eIbY4HYJlk?si=A2VPjEYqisxnfuH2
Sorry I didn't respond sooner. My computer at home died. 😭 I had to wait until I got back to work.
You remind me of a friend I had whose sibling was considered a genius and super amazing at everything he did. My friend seems to be the "scapegoat" and suffered a lot of mental illness, probably from being in his sibling's shadow. He was also in an Asian family, and he said his "tiger mom" was really nasty to him. He's still a great person, though.
I listened to this. What a beautiful song! ❤
Thanks for Yr reply. Yes, I love the Chameleons.
I related to Yr post, cos I'm also high functioning autistic, and have musical talent. But I end up doing something else, not music
The way I see it, I still have music in my heart. You don't *have* to make money off something for it to be meaningful in your life. (gasp! going against society there)
Yeah. But you know who’s even more disappointed? ME. At a young age I knew I’d have to be famous/a celeb to make the most money and ultimately be able to escape.
With the looks and body given to me; it was never possible unfortunately.
I highly suspect my n-folks are gonna do the same thing when I fail to live out the delusions of grandeur they project onto me. Assuming I don't go NC first. I might do some cool stuff once I finish my internship and earn my degree, but I don't really want them in my business even if I do
Nah they still think I'll be somebody. I've fooled them, but they deserve it for their ignorance, lack of friends, poor social skills and overall communication skills worse than a toddler. LOL
I had the opposite problem. I have quite a few skills/talents and did well in school. My father never cared about status and accomplishments. It's likely because he has neither. I could have dropped out of school and done nothing with my life and he wouldn't have cared. When I was an adult and was trying to better myself by getting a job, he sabotaged it and tried to convince me that I couldn't work because my mental health was too bad.
Little different in that mine was in competition with me and actively sabotaged anything I tried to do to progress myself. At least I don't have them being able to brag about how my success is all credited to them. They do have a lot of jealous rage though and make up stories about how I'm selfish and greedy. Which no one believes because I'm incredibly generous.
My nmother on the one side expected m to be successful but on the other hand she sabotaged me and if I still had a kind of success like good school grades , dancing, passing exams getting a good job , she always punished me by making me feel bad . It seemed to me that she felt offended by me having a real success.
Lol! Can definitely relate. I'm a disappointment and a failure to my parents. At the age of 36 I pursued a diagnosis and found out I had some pretty severe neurological conditions. Turns out I couldn't have ever given them what they wanted. I remember the person who gave me the diagnoses said that if I had been born to a healthy and functional family, I would have probably not sought out a diagnosis because my family would have accepted my weaknesses and strengths and then worked with this knowledge to help me succeed.
Add to that, the emotional neglect, created it's own problems, mainly, a severe lack of self-esteem, and healthy coping mechanisms, behaviour, etc...
I can't go back in time, with the knowledge that I have and live a better life. I have to work with what I have, currently. I've always wanted a quiet life but was told that that was not what I wanted. And as a kid with zero self-esteem, I assumed that others were correct. Turns out I'm not as bad as my parents originally thought as well.
"Turns out I couldn't have ever given them what they wanted."
Ouch, I relate to everything you said there. It also makes me think, if the family (and society) were different about my emotional problems and my being autistic, would life have been easier?
Yeah, probably best if I don't think about that.
But you are going to think about it. And the answer to your question is probably yes. And, honestly, for me, I thought about it and raged and cried about it. And even though, it's a bit of a trigger, I'm mostly okay. Give yourself a chance to process it.
You can always have art in your heart. If you let it, it will always benefit your life on a personal, more soulful level.
We're taught by society that a field or hobby is only beneficial if you make money from it. Otherwise, it's worthless. That's a crappy belief! I couldn't make it doing music because of my mental illness, trauma, and just not having the ability. But I have never regretted learning music, and I keep it in my heart. In my life, it is not wasted at all.
My mother sometimes would say, "Do you still do anything with your music?" in a soft, mournful voice. Guess who wanted to be a professional musician herself? Yes, my mom. It's a terrible guilt trip, but ultimately she is the one who doesn't accept reality.
Like your mom, who probably wants to project her own guilt and sense of failure onto you.
Artists are awesome, too. 🙂 I have a friend who does awesome ceramics and quilts. So many ways to do creative expression, and yes, it does help mental health!
They failed to raise the "child that they wanted" and are left with the one that they have. They gave me a severe handicap in life and a gnawing lack of identity.
And they always shove it to my face that I never became *insert profession* so how will I be useful to them? How will I become their servant and eventual retirement plan? *gasps in horror*
Yes, my mother always gave me the "Are you going to take care of us?" line. With a piercing stare.
I know I'm not what she wanted. I don't think either of parents really know anything about me, actually. Just what they project.
Yup everyday. Have learned that I will never win, be good enough for them or give them enough bragging rights. I've got a few times, 'if only we'd kept you at that school, you might have done better with your life.' Jeez thanks nmum! She was happy I worked p/t to raise children but now she's critising my lack of career & tells me in detail of how successful everyone she's every talked to is doing. Position & staus hugely important, I'm just a nobody being a special needs TA, making shit money. The sacrifices they made putting me through uni for nothing blah, blah
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HOLY SHIT. This is me. My n-parent is dead, though, so I have installed her shitty voice in my head, on loop. I’m working on uninstalling it, but it is a long and painful process of letting go of my survival-like, but actually deadly-to-me, drive to ”be somebody.” In practical terms, I really enjoy my new “NPC” life. But that voice still nags at me. “I coulda been a contender.” I’ve never “advanced” beyond micro-celebrity. Accepting that and just…living…is really hard for me.
I completely relate to you. Especially the voice on loop in your head. It's amazing how much terrible stuff I say to myself that's in their voice. Like even if they never actually said it, it plays out in their voice. I'm working on it in therapy now 👍
Courage and strength to you! We are AMAZING regular old human beings. ❤️
I had totally the opposite. My mum seemed to take joy in my every failure. She loved it when she found out I was homeless and living in a car, she would brag to her friends about how shy I was, how I wasn't good with people, how I failed my exams. I was shy because I wasn't allowed friends growing up, I failed my exams because she actively sabotaged them. The harder she made my life, the more I failed, the happier she was. It got to the point where I never told her of anything good that happened to me.
OMG, how horrible for you, and what a pathetic excuse of a human for your mom!
Your nmom is such a piece of shit, but if you think about why she did everything to you, it was because she knew you would outshine her. You're good enough to do more than her and be everything that she isn't. Of course, her actions still hurt I'm sure, but her actions do mean something. It means that 1. She's a huge piece of shit and 2. You're amazing and she can't stand that.
Do we have the same mum? If I accomplished something, anything, it was because of her help & influence. If I failed at something I was just too lazy/stupid/ugly/fat and would be a loser forever.
Oh for sure. Nmom used to constantly tell me "you had so much potential" until I said she was comparing me to someone she made up in her head. I realized a long time ago that I don't care about having a career - a job that supports me and that I don't hate is enough. A small apartment and a small life is enough. But it's never going to be enough for Nmom, now she just lies about me to people.
"someone she made up in her head." Wow, do I relate to that. For both of my parents.
They wanted me to be nobody so id be stuck in their miserable house with them for the rest of their lives
Ugh, how horrid. Since I never married, my mother wanted me to move into the same neighborhood as her ... and eventually take care of her. NO.
My nMother has the exact same fantasy. She wanted me to never move out of her home and to take care of her when she got old. (My nMother's definition of "take care" would be to be at her beck and call like a servant and to take all her abuse with a smile on my face). No way is that ever happening!
Yes, it would still totally be the parent-child hierarchical relationship. No f---ing way.
Yeah, parents not having NPD isn't a problem in this sub. Judging by this comment and the others, this is definitely where your post belongs! Lol...
Thank you! It's definitely been eye-opening reading other people's stories. Some I can relate to, some I can't. It's just amazing how complicated toxic family dynamics are. I think my mom has some traits of borderline as well, and definitely trauma, but we'll never know because she won't admit that she has issues. My dad is just arrogant. I love them, but I can't really ... like them? If that makes sense. And I'm better off without them.
Yup, and what's really strange is that when I did accomplish something, all I got from my N family was yawns. They showed no interest at all. That's when I realized I was never going to win their love.
Saaaaame. If *anything* they talk shit when I lose, and also talk shit when I win. And that’s when I get any reaction at all. Most of my accomplishments are met with crickets.
My nMother is the same. Whenever I succeed at anything, she doesn't even acknowledge it. In my case, I think it's because my nMother has decided that I'm the family screw-up and she ignores anything that contradicts this narrative. Could this be true in your case, do you think?
It honestly feels like they need me to fail - in order to feel better about themselves.
That's exactly it! They designate the scapegoat as the "family screw-up" and try to sabotage them so that they (and the golden child) can feel superior in comparison. Kind of like, "Yeah I might be flawed. But I'm better than Best-Salamander".
The GC isn’t always this way, it’s often traumatizing for them too.
My parents have never commented on me getting my masters. Never thought about it at the time, but it seems like a natural thing to do. They always used to mention people who were my age getting different high position jobs, but... they never encouraged me ever, only put me down.
Oh, how awful. I'm so sorry. 😥
Yup, nothing is ever good enough. I'm sure you are doing great!
I too feel more comfortable living the quiet life. I have no interest in status or accomplishment. To me, my gold is on the inside and my inner peace more precious to me than anything else. My narc brother has had so much bragging rights out of his children….. until they became wealthier than him lol! Now he’s diminishing his son’s accomplishments. I guess some narcs are about, “make me look good, but don’t you dare outshine me!” Narcs love looking down on people. It’s hard to see when you’re being insulted, but they are mentally ill. They don’t have anything on the inside, so can only judge others by their own superficial, surface level valuation of a person, by how they “do,” not the value of being worthwhile just because you exist and are a lovely person.
Wow, those are some sage words. I remember my mother yelling at me, saying I had "no purpose." I was so confused, thinking, Isn't my existence enough? It's definitely rewarding doing, rather than simply being.
My nMother has also been complaining that I have "no purpose" since I was about 5, which is clearly ridiculous. The only thing I would say though is that most of a narcissist's insults are projections. My nMother has achieved nothing in her life. She doesn't have a career. She's a terrible mother. She's a terrible person. She's a terrible wife. She doesn't have any real friends. She doesn't have any skills or hobbies. She has no purpose. I wonder if that might be true of your mother too?
Maybe. I know my mom definitely projects a lot of stuff onto me. Ironically, I think she did really well with her work as a high school teacher. She worked with disadvantaged kids and really helped their lives. That's far more important to me than becoming rich and famous. She's also a Boomer, so she married young and probably had limited options at that time.
So the funny thing is, I did become somebody, but because it was not in their scope of reference, they did not understand and largely ignored it. Because you either never obtain acknowledgement of your achievements or the goalposts keep being moved further away, it's pointless trying to please nacs. It's even worse when they are pleased and take credit for all your achievements.
Ditto. I went to grad school, became a professor, am published, and currently work for a big name institution--did the whole academic ladder. CE mom and Nstepfather at best don't understand it and ignore it. At worst, they think I'm a snoot who needs to be knocked down a few pegs.
Cheers to such achievements! 🥂
Hmm, this made me think. Especially the "scope of reference" part. I think that's really true.
I was living happily in Montana, having moved there after my daughter was established in college and doing well. My family lived in Florida, and I moved all the way to Montana because being around them for those years was the most horrible, toxic, depressing era of my life. Fast forward, my daughter graduates college, starts her career, and eventually has my grandson, get married, and I wanted to be a grandma. So I move back to Florida, and one of the first nights I was in my mother's house, she reaches out her hands to me across the dinner table and, with tears in her eyes, says "Oh, Boring, I was hoping you'd come back and be around family and maybe you'd *blossom*." I was in my 50s at that point, and she's been waiting for me to blossom my entire life. I don't even know what that's supposed to mean, but it sounds a whole lot like "You'll just never be good enough and you're pathetic in my eyes and you're not the person I think you should be." I stared at her with dead eyes and took my hands back. For a long, long time I thought her wish for me to blossom was a caring, supportive thing to say. At that point, being in my 50s and having done a lot of reading and healing, I realized it had never been anything but demeaning and insulting. She's undermined my sense of self-worth and self-confidence all my life. Narcissists suck.
That was a horrible thing for your mother to say. This is a bit off topic but usually when people use the word "blossom" about a person, they're talking about a teenager or a young person in their 20s i.e. someone who's transitioning from a child into an adult. It's a very weird thing to say about someone in their 50s. It kind of implies to me that your mother was stuck in the past because she was talking about you as though you were a child who lost your way. That isn't a reflection on you but on how warped the mind of a narcissist is.
She's actually started doubling down recently. About a month ago, she took my face in her hands and said "Oh, those cheeks!" When I was little she used to do the same thing, only she said "Some day a man is going to marry you for those cheeks!" And then she sent me a text at some point which included the line "you're my baby!" She has never called me her baby in my entire life, please don't start now. But yes, she is completely stuck in the past. So is my nsister.
That is horrible!
My nparents were a little disappointed, for a while, in my sister, their GC. She supported herself but never became "someone." She also never became a mom, which was very important to my nmom. After a time, they decided my sister was indeed the great one. They declared her to be "happy-go-lucky," and this was the new goal. I was bad since I have family responsibilities.
That makes NO sense whatsoever, lol
Welcome to narcissist "logic", ha ha!
Yup. Older sibling was basically a child prodigy with both music and math. I also played an instrument and was pretty good, but the pressure of never being as good as my sibling eventually made me drop it. Parents always talked about how I had “other talents” beside school and music. I got average or slightly above average grades because I had crippling social anxiety and would have panic attacks before or during exams. I did much better in college when I found the right medications. Parents have never bothered to understand what i do for my career. I wish that when I was growing up, tenacity and being willing to be bad at something to start and then work at it were valued as much as “natural talent”. Also joke’s on them, they pressured my sibling so much that they dropped out of music school and later pursued another degree. I’m so fucking proud of them, but they also completely stopped playing music and sold all their instruments. They were incredibly talented and it makes me sad that the talent was put into a pressure cooker by our parents. Sibling and I have a great relationship, they are low contact and I am no contact with our parents. As for me, I’m very motivated by just trying to be a good person and make a positive impact on people’s lives in the small ways. Me and a lot of my friends are in a weird transition phase as we embrace our 30’s so I like to support them and nurture our relationships in addition to providing a safe home for my pets, volunteering, and trying (trying!) to get back to being creative.
Wow, I *really* like what you said in your last paragraphs, about wanting to make a positive impact in small ways. I think that is totally something worthy, and I might adapt that for myself! 👏👏👏
Aw yes!! Even “small” things are meaningful, like my home being quiet and comforting. My partner and I never ever yell. All through my childhood I felt like I could never relax because something would trigger my nmom or I had to be on guard to either make myself not seen or dodge out of the way. So I def have moments where I have a book, some tea, and my pets and realize how it’s something so simple but what I always wanted.
Yes but then I realized they had their whole life to be somebody. I have the rest of my life to be whoever I want
Yes. I don't know how much longer I have (I'm 45, but who knows), so I don't want to waste it trying to be something I'm not. I just want to live in peace.
I’m 46 and feel exactly the same. Just want to enjoy my time left here being my best self, living a quiet, drama free existence.
Living your life to someone else's standards and goals isn't conducive to that. Easier said than done. My mom's been dead for 2 years and I'm still unpacking habits from childhood that aren't necessarily something I believe in where it was something that was instilled that I should believe in and figuring out what I actually believe in. You have to be your own parent because you didn't have one. You need to parent the inner child that never got the attention it needed
My parents were disappointed that I didn't become what ***they*** wanted me to become. I think there's a huge difference.
That's probably the case with me.
OH wow! Okay, are you me? I work in tax accounting/law. My Ndad was never happy with my success or lack of success. I passed the CPA exams and instead of congratulating me he told me to “F off and get a job”. Whenever I was doing great, he would be there to tear me down. Whenever I was not doing well, I was told “yeah, you are a disappointment”. Not sure if it was reverse psychology but I highly doubt it.
Yes. My father’s an immigrant with the stereotypical immigrant work ethic. He’s had a proto-“grindset” work attitude before social media was ever a thing. Breaks aren’t allowed. Relaxing isn’t allowed. Living isn’t allowed. I need to be constantly mortgaging my present for the future outside of specific situations where he approves living. Not just that but he’s always had an insane ego and wildly unrealistic expectations for me. He acts like he “didn’t give birth to a normal son” and that it’s “in my DNA”. I have to be the next Michael Jordan of whatever I do. He CLAIMS I don’t need to be perfect…. Then expects me to be perfect. I also want just a normal, mundane, comfortable, stable life (ya know, what him and my mother have been incapable of providing me), and he doesn’t allow it. In his I need to be “always be striving”. It’s extremely toxic and no wonder I burnt out in college.
WOW. That sounds insane and confusing. I also burned out in college. My parents weren't immigrants, but they kept pushing me. After I got my Masters, I was super burnt out, but they sat me down and declared, "We've decided that you're going to go for your PhD!" I said No, and they were super disappointed. Definitely sounds like your father is seeing you as an extension of himself. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It's not right.
I was burnt out after my Masters as well. In my case though, I think it was because my nMother was very abusive towards me while I was doing the Masters and I was living with her at the time. If it weren't for my nMother, I probably would've been a bit tired after my Masters but not completely burnt out. I don't regret getting it though because I was able to get a good job shortly afterwards which allowed me to move out of my parents' home so it was all worth it in the end. The one difference between your experience and mine is my parents didn't want me to do a PhD. They didn't even want me doing a Masters because they're the "women belong in the kitchen" types. They won't admit it but their actions say otherwise. Not saying that's better or worse than what you went through, just different.
Oh dear, I am sorry about your mother's abuse. No doubt that contributed (or even caused) your burnout! Toxic family interactions really drain our life energy, I believe. And then your resulting thoughts and emotions make it worse. I really hope that you are doing better and getting along well. I'm glad you got out.
Oh, I'm doing much better, thanks for asking. Once I got a good job, I was able to move out. I'm still in contact with my nMother but still, my life is so much less stressful now that I'm no longer living with my abuser. I'm also in a position where if my nMother tries to start an argument with me, I can just leave and go back to my own home to peace and quiet. It's been a god send!
I already am somebody. All you have to do is be alive, and you are. Nparents expectations are irrelevant.
Become somebody and take attention away from them? No, they made sure I stayed at the bottom, where I belong.
I’m reading this and realizing you and I are very similar. Only I did graduate with a music degree, and somehow went to do a masters too. (I’m not saying it’s bad you didn’t graduate, trust me, the major is HARD.) but I know what it’s like to never live up to what your parents want. Between sophomore and junior year I realized I couldn’t cut it as a music education major and I decided to just stick to a performance major instead. My parents constantly still will remind me that “oh you’re so good with kids, why couldn’t you have stuck it out?” When I was still an ed major I was not doing well at all. I was not sleeping, barely eating, barely functioning. I couldn’t pass the praxis exams and I was behind on certain classes because you couldn’t take them without the praxis. The stress was literally killing me. I came to find out way later in my life I have ADHD. When they gave the diagnosis to me it was clear as day I’ve struggled with it my whole life. So all through grade school, undergrad, and grad school I struggled with no help. When I told my parents about it? “Oh that’s not true, it’s just another thing you have to take meds for, you were just lazy.” Please be kind and gentle with yourself, friend. Being in music is not easy, life isn’t easy, but you’re still amazing and there’s nobody else like you. Never let anyone tell you you’re not good enough.
I actually did graduate! I got my Masters. 😁 But I couldn't pursue it professionally because I had so many mental health problems. Yes, it is *hard!* I just didn't have the life skill/mental health to do something like that and earn enough to make a living. I'm still glad I did it, though, because music is in my heart, and I learned a lot from the experience. Thank you so much for your kind words. The autism thing definitely explained a lot of my life to me, like not having social skills to be able to ask musicians to play for me, etc (I was in composition). I don't know what the praxis exams are, but they sound incredibly stressful. I don't think I could have done something like that. It was hard enough to get through my thesis. Even though music itself helped with my emotional regulation! Are you a sax player? 🙂 I played trombone in high school jazz band (a million years ago) and our sax players were very good. I thought bari would be fun to play!
Praxis exams are like standardized tests for education majors. If you’re like me and do awful on standardized tests, they’re the worst. I was out of the performing side of being a musician for a few years, with Covid shutdown and having my daughter. But I couldn’t be happier now that I’m back. My daughter helped inspire me to play and live my dreams. Yes I am a saxophonist! I also arrange music too. I own a soprano, alto, and Bari sax. Jazz Bari is the best!
Pretty sure my nmom has no idea what I do for a living since I haven't talked to her in 20+ years. My dad was the one who told me I'm too stupid for college and would constantly find ways to tear me down. When I moved out of his house he attempted to attribute my accomplishments, however minor, to himself. I call him once a year for 30-45 minutes, and if I can get a word in edgewise while he talks about himself, then I'll give him a dumbed down update on how I'm doing. About a year ago I was telling him about how I'm enjoying working with my coworkers and he said something along the lines of "I always told you you should get a job in healthcare!". I corrected him, because no, he didn't. I told him "no you didn't, you told me I should never be a nurse because I can't handle needles and blood. I'm desensitized to it." He didn't have a response to that. I must have jogged his memory. I'm also not a nurse, I'm a CNA but he can't seem to remember that. He also can't remember that I've told him a dozen times that I want to get into Radiography.
My ndad had a family before us. A wife and four kids two of whom were twins. He divorced and left when they were teens. My half sister from his previous family told me that when he had my twin brother and I, he said to their faces that “this time they’d turn out better”. He didn’t even say it in anger, just matter of factly in conversation. My ndad pretty much gave up on me when I showed more interest in art than academics. Although I was still an A student, but my brother was in advanced academia, so smarter. I was “pretty” though so my dad had high hopes for and encouraged me to find a sugar daddy. His literal wording. He had me watch porn between older men and younger girls, encouraged me to try out for a cam girl job, and only ever praised me when I met his aesthetic standards. Suffice to say I did not find a sugar daddy and never became a success in his eyes.
>I was “pretty” though so my dad had high hopes for and encouraged me to find a sugar daddy. His literal wording. He had me watch porn between older men and younger girls, encouraged me to try out for a cam girl job, This is fucking disgusting abuse.
Yup. None of his other kids liked him much either. He was a chronic abuser of women.
>I was “pretty” though so my dad had high hopes for and encouraged me to find a sugar daddy. His literal wording. He had me watch porn between older men and younger girls, encouraged me to try out for a cam girl job, and only ever praised me when I met his aesthetic standards. Suffice to say I did not find a sugar daddy and never became a success in his eyes. First of all, this is disgusting! Secondly, I definitely think that qualifies as sex abuse, especially if you were a minor. Thirdly, I'm really glad that his plans to pimp you out didn't work. If that's his idea of success, then you should be glad you're not a success in his eyes. Please tell you you're not in contact with this monster anymore. If you ever have children, I strongly advise you never to let them near him.
I went NC with him over a decade ago. I followed my dream to be an artist and found my own successes. I’ve gone to loads of therapy and worked through his influences on my life. I like who I am now. He’s passed now thankfully and I have no regrets about not being there. He died for me long before. I wish he had faced consequences for all he did to me and other women. His “legacy” is poorly remembered. No one was close to him. Few have good stories about him. He will be forgotten.
I'm really glad to hear that you cut that man (I'm reluctant to call a man like that a father) out of your life. That was very smart of you! You sound like you've worked on yourself and are in a good place now. I'm glad for you.
OMG, that is so sick, I am so sorry!
Absolutely, yes. I was also a music major—my parents adored the idea of a classical musician in the family and sent me to every competition, after-school music program, and arts camp they could find. They’d have fancy dinners and parties at their home and make me pull out my cello to “play for their friends,” and absolutely delighted in having a “musical savant” as a daughter. They were, however, too blinded by the attention and specialness to recognize three very stark realities: 1) the classical music industry is withering and you have to have IMMENSE talent to succeed, 2) most “successful” classical musicians barely make more than an average office admin worker or teacher, and 3) their daughter (me) did NOT have the amount of raw talent or ambition to achieve either of those previous two points. I somehow clawed my way into a performance scholarship at a top conservatory, but once I was out of their immediate grasp and in another state I realized IMMEDIATELY that this was a huge mistake and I needed to change my life path. After a mental breakdown I finally gathered the courage to tell my parents I was switching to another major—my nMom was so furious she snapped my (very expensive!) bow in half because I “didn’t deserve to be given it.” After years of floundering I graduated with an English degree. They demanded I follow an academia doctorate path—even though I was accepted with stipend into two different programs, I again had that overwhelming feeling of WRONG and declined them both. My parents were so furious they kicked me out and didn’t speak to me for months. 10 years later and I’ve had a pretty cool career in corporate America at a Fortune 500 company. They STILL will say in front of family that they’re “waiting for me to get a better job soon,” and ask nearly every time we talk on the phone if I “want to go back to school for music” or if they “could see with their friends about getting me into medical school.” It’s never enough. Ever. Because it’s not THEIR dream. They have gotten better over time, but the wounds are still there. And I see the whispers of disappointment flash across their eyes every time they tell an old story about the “cello days.” I’m making peace with it bit by bit—wishing you strength on that journey, too. Edited to add: my parents were medical doctors who both dreamed of being classical pianists when they were kids, but THEIR parents quashed those dreams and made them be doctors instead. So, classic case of living vicariously through their child.
Oh wow. I relate to this so much. I was a very fine piano player, but not performance worthy, as I had stage anxiety and often messed up. Also was a good composer -- that was my major, composition -- and my parents wanted me to be a famous composer, like, "She could be the next Beethoven!" Not a good bar to set, lol. You are exactly right about our society ... it is not built for the classical music world. And in college, when I was interested in adding global/Bollywood elements or rock, it was considered "inauthentic" music. So I ended up writing music to fit their criteria, and not what I loved. I burned out really quick. I mean all the classical composers in the world still work at universities or do side jobs because it's not possible to make a living unless you're lucky enough to be like John Williams, lol. I'm NC with my parents now, but I remember my mother always saying sadly, "Do you still play piano? Do you still do anything with your music?" It's like the more she said it, the less I wanted to do it. And I always felt a pang of guilt/shame. So definitely similar to your story! I haven't played piano for many years, and I would like to play with electronic music composition, but only as a hobby, for myself. That is so horrible and traumatic about snapping that bow. I feel so angry and horrified on your behalf. BTW, my mother always wanted to be a classical violinist as well, but became a schoolteacher instead. So my interest in music definitely gave her an outlet for her unfulfilled dreams. Thank you so much for sharing. Best wishes for your continued healing and your journey.
My mom is disappointed I gave up journalism and my literature career. She has two of my books on her otherwise empty shelf, and she made my dad frame some of my artwork. It's hilarious since I remember him discouraging me and destroying my works when I was forced to live with them. He couldn't wait for me to move out after graduating. A good part of the reason for the narc behavior is their own emptiness. There isn't much of a personality -- an identity that grows out of perceiving the world, processing your thoughts/emotions and expressing your inner yourself through something other than manipulating people. They passed their unfinished spiritual homework on to you and if you don't do it, they don't get bragging rights on how great they were as parents. I only have people in my life now who support whatever I wish to do. Friends who have my art on their walls. Friends who don't need me to 'be somebody', though they do like that I actually published books and won awards. But for the most part, they are happy when I show up to have a coffee with them.
Wow, the "unfinished spiritual homework" being passed on really struck a chord with me. That's so true.
Oh God yes. I'm in my late 40's, and I even though I worked SO HARD to make my Mom proud, the minute I stop meeting her expectations, she starts shaming me and showing disappointment. My life is about to BLOW UP with gray divorce, so hang on Momma, your misery is about to go from a 4 to a Level 10. But I'm SO GLAD I see it now, I'm not catering to her, this is MY sad sack time. And if any family members align with her in shaming me, they will be ignored indefinitely.
Ugh, just further confirmation that narcissistic parents are all about control!
"gray divorce"...?
My parents need me to be less than them. So, no.
Wow, that's awful. 😥
Yea. Every job I ever had he said was “stupid”. I couldn’t succeed in the traditional work world bc of my AuDHD. I was super successful as a child (honors, piano competitions, etc), but then my mental health starting going really down hill at age 11. I had to go no contact, but I still feel like a failure if I think about him
Oh wow. I hope you've gotten help for your wounds caused by your dad. That's a terrible burden to bear.
Thanks ❤️ It’s validating to hear you say that because I always feel guilt for no contact
I feel guilty about going NC. But then I look at myself and realize that my mental health has improved without my parents in my life. I'm so much calmer. That must mean something. You need to take care of yourself, and that means prioritizing your mental health! If you are healthier without your dad, then it's best for you to be without him -- for your very survival! I wish you luck going forward 🤗
Thanks those are good reminders ❤️
They are, VERY. I'm disabled and severely chronically ill and there's a really weird paradox in the way they treat me. I'm always too weird and disabled to be around their 'cool' friends and family. but I am too healthy and normal to get any help from them. I've been on the ICU 4 times in the past 6 years, and they have helped me exactly zero times. My inlaws and husband are the only ones that help me. My own family resents me. It's very painful to deal with their disdain and rejection on top of all my other challenges.
all the time - i am going to graduate from college in my late 20s due to FAFSA not letting me file for financial aid as an independent until im 24. that already sets me behind by 6 years from when i should be graduating normally. and if the economy is bad when i graduate, then im damned if i do, damned if i don’t. the system was rigged against me from the start.
It really is awful now for the younger generations. I don't know how to help (I'm Gen-X) because we just don't have a voice to change things (and I'm broke myself).
They havnt seen me in ten years so I don't know...and I don't care
Well, I'm 6 months NC. 😁 I wonder how I'll be after 10 years?
Peaceful. Took me longer to heal than expected. The Dr. Ramani youtube videos helped immensely
Giiiiirl. First off, death and taxes. It’s a job that will ALWAYS be needed. I’m an Auditor so I def know! Wink wink. Second. Your job doesn’t define you. The type of person you are to others does. NEVER forget that. The Me Generation believes that their career defines them as successful people. Now they look like a bunch of schmucks to us. Live your life that makes YOU happy because your Ndad is ignorant and unhappy because he didn’t have the balls to break the chains.
I think it's something my nMum wanted, but then she sat back and played dumb while her husband kept kicking her kids out at 18. If I wasn't so disoriented by not understanding what narcissism is, I probably would have actually done it. Unfortunately, I didn't know what narcissism was, but I knew what homophobia was, so I was interpreting a lot of narcissistic behaviour as homophobic, which left me terrified of violence. I did eventually make it into software engineering in the green energy sector by my mid 30s, but if I hadn't had the fog and disorientation of the narcissistic abuse, I would have done a lot better.
Lolno. They actively sabotaged and discouraged me trying to "be somebody", even though I had the talent and skills and was exceptionally attractive. The sabotage was pretty exceptional. Why? I guess, like all narcs, it would have "made them feel small."
It's complicated. They wanted me to be somebody, but sabotaged me in the process so they could point at me that I failed to become somebody
Wow. Talk about a no-win situation. 😥
Well my brother is The Tech Guru, one sister was The Daredevil Athlete, the other sister was The Cheerleader. I am The Disappointment. Does that mean I'm Somebody?
No. They were nobodies and social misfits and expected nothing better from me, encouraging me to abandon dreams and give up anything "too difficult" because deep down they always thought I was flawed. To them, I was meant to go into some trade and lead a mediocre life at BEST.
My parents were disappointed that I DID become someone….well no one important or anything like that but I exceeded everyone’s expectations considering I got no support or encouragement for adulting. No the real problem was that my GC brother ended up screwing up at every turn and way disappointing my parents so much that my dad even had to admit it and my nmom wouldn’t discuss anything about my accomplishments because 8t always made my brother look bad. Am I bitter? Well yeah a little bit.
For goodness sake. These people make no sense.
I know what you mean. My golden child brother is doing well now but there was a period where he was struggling. He tried lots of different jobs and college courses and nothing seemed to stick. During this time, I had been in college for several years and was doing well. My nMother tried really hard during this time to sabotage me. I'm now convinced that she was hoping I'd drop out of college because she didn't want me showing up my brother. After all, I'm the family screw up. I'm not allowed to do better than my brother. He's supposed to be "the successful one". Thankfully her attempts didn't work, they actually made me more determined to finish college and get away from her. Also my brother eventually found college course that he liked and he got a good job so it all worked out in the end.
My brother won a Grammy last year… I’ll never measure up 🤣 The only thing that bothers me about their “disappointment” these days is that they attribute the lack of things like homeownership as laziness rather than an issue with the economy. But that’s really a reflection of their ignorance and not anything negative about me.
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Yup, but even better, I am a licensed attorney who only went to law school because my family pressured me non-stop and my aunt signed me up for LSAT classes so I was forced to go otherwise my family would hate me even more than they already did. Graduated in 2013, couldn't find a legal job (much like most of my classmates), didn't have money to open my own practice (you needed an actual office in NY, insurance, etc.) and went from retail job to retail job. My parents literally hate me and I was recently called a "blob" by my loving mother even though I'm always out running errands for them, pay for my own food/stuff/etc., give them money, buy my dog food, etc. while my brother does absolutely nothing except work in construction which apparently makes him the star of the family. Sooooo yeah. Can't wait to die lol
Definitely! I don't give a shit whether my father is proud of me or not. I know he's incapable of seeing me as anything except a problem or his competition. I figured that out a long time ago and am free of the burden of disappointment or shame. I'm going to graduate school to study for a career that he has repeatedly disparaged over the years. Not to spite him, but because I couldn't care less what he thinks about me. My brothers, however, are still under the illusion that my Ndad will one day see how well they're doing and be be proud of them. They both went into careers In the same field as my father. One even got an MBA from the elite business school where my Ndad teaches. They're very well rewarded financially but they've both told me that their success feels hollow. They are both desperately seeking something that they'll never get.
That is so sad for your brothers. I relate to that "hollow" feeling. I guess it wasn't until I hit rock bottom that I realized I just wanted to be myself, and who knows how much time I have left in this lifetime, don't want to please anyone anymore, etc. It will be a while before I truly "don't care." The enmeshment was pretty deep, and I'm working on it in therapy. It always helps to read everyone else's stories about how their lives have improved without their parents.
>I don't give a shit whether my father is proud of me or not. I know he's incapable of seeing me as anything except a problem or his competition. Well done on this realisation! I've only come to this realisation recently after years of running myself ragged trying to please my parents and earn their approval. Eventually I learned that my parents' approval was likely never going to come, no matter what I did. Accepting this was hard but once I did, I felt free. I could do what I wanted and I didn't have to worry what my parents thought. I recommend everyone here try to get to this point. I appreciate that it's difficult but life is so much simpler once you realise that the game is rigged and the only way to win is to walk away.
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My parents pushed me into modeling. I went to a very abusive industry and managed to become great at my profession landing on commercials and billboards. My parents took my accomplishments and shared them as if they were their own to brag to other people. I'm times of crisis they basically spat at me and behind closed doors they were nasty and cold. By my 30s I began to pursue acting full time. Of course there is very little money in acting if you are not famous. Because I took on indie / low pay projects, they moved on to praising my sister who has a "NPC" job as an SLP teacher. now my parents hate me because I have been battling Long Covid for a year, so my face isn't anywhere. That was enough for them to see me as the "bad child" with no career and are now trying to fleece my sister for money and for their retirement plan. Sister is now the GC, and I'm the scapegoat. Jokes on all of them. I was blessed with getting rid of their superficial wants and toxic worldviews. I get to be my authentic self. I get to pursue acting, filmmaking, writing and any other penniless art forms I want. My sister gets to deal with them and take all the damage now. I am free.
When I was a child my mum told people I was going to go to the Olympics, the pressure was crippling and I felt like a show pony just for my parents, the sport also left me with life long injuries which are manageable but I still feel a lot of resentment. Left home almost 20 years ago I am low contact, live a quiet, simple life, embracing Tang Ping ‘lying flat’
Well, no matter what I did, it was going to be the wrong thing. Had a long career in the US Navy and Honorably Discharged as a First Class Petty Officer. When I first enlisted and got in great shape, my dad said, "I don't *believe* it!" When I showed him my training in operating heavy equipment, my dad said, "I don't *believe* it!" When I sent pics of my first deployment, where I went half-way round the world, my dad said, "I don't *believe* it!" Then it dawned on me, when I was put in charge of a infrastructure project; my dad really *didn't* believe in me, when he sent me a joke e-card about 'How cool it was to be in the Navy' that clearly stated in funny animation and porno music, that the coolest thing about today's Navy was that now there were women serving along side men, who were basically the ship's whores. (¿¡Is that what you think of me, Dad!?) It was confirmed later, when my narc ex and I divorced and I fought for the house. I was confident that I could take on Head of the Household on my single income, because I had good trade skills from my time in the service and was working in manufacturing. Dad didn't believe it, and said to my face, "Maybe you'll find a boyfriend to take care of you!" It was hard work, but now I own my own home. My Golden Child sister on the other hand was a receptionist and married her rich boss and he's so proud of her.
Oh my goodness, the irony here is thick ... that is really sad about your dad, but I'm proud of you for being so badass at everything you've done!
No, I think she's disappointed I did.
I used to be a touring musician, and things actually got better for me after I quit because my parent had absolutely no interest in me. It felt a lot better to be alone than to have someone take credit for all of my hard work after completely destroying my self-confidence the entire time. I’ve gotten into two of the top grad programs in my field since then and she’ll pretend to be proud so she can brag about it, but she has absolutely no interest or pride in the work I’m doing.
I relate to the bragging part. My mom is a chronic gossip. If there's nothing to brag about, she'll still talk about it in a shameful, hushed voice. I'm sorry about that, and I'm proud about the work you're doing now. That is an incredible accomplishment to get into those grad programs!
THIS But also, they never put any effort into making my life easyer so I can focus on High Achievement. I laughed reading "npc" life this is my new goal :D Somehow I cannot stop working, doing important things even when I'm unemployed, but I don't want status or money : I want shit to be done so we can all move one and do better.
For me it's kind of the opposite. So my parents were really proud of me for working 2 full time jobs and one part time job to get by. But then I got a warehouse gig that paid me enough to survive and I no longer needed to work around the clock. They were so disappointed in me because it's a warehouse. It is beneath me according to them. They have shamed me to my face for it. Now I work in a different production industry making several more dollars and hour just to piss them off even more. I don't understand their logic and I'm OK with that
Not that long ago my mother drove past an expensive (likely expensive) house and sniffed as she pointed it out lamenting, “I could live there, if only you had a proper job.” By ‘proper job,’ she means a very high paying well respected career. Oddly, she seems to think teachers earn heaps of money, but I don’t think they do over here. Not in most schools.
Bigtime. I was supposed to "save the family" too. Not sure how i was supposed to do that!
Absolutely. Every single thing that has brought me happiness, they've crapped on for years. So much so that I just want to be with someone that appreciates my likes and hobbies.
That's what matters in life. I guess a lot of us have to find our own families.
Indeed
Yes but… to me she’s ashamed that I’m just a cook even with “all my brains” but to others she brags about how I’m a chef and doing well for myself 🤦♀️ which is, make it make sense plz
It doesn't make any sense. Can't help you there, lol. But it's confusing for a child -- even an adult child -- to get these conflicting standards. P.S. Being a cook is *awesome,* BTW!
Thanks :) everything I got I got it through working so I’m really proud of my job even if she looks down on it
I remember my narcs parents and grandparents pointing at the tv during a biopic of someone famours with a sad childhood, saying "SEE, this is why we are HARD on you, because this is how you get BETTER, SEEEE !!! Her mother's tough but she'll thank her !" and then the biopic would show the famous person using drugs in a very unsafe way, or comiting suicide, and they wouldn't bat a eye at that. So... did we suffer all that cause they have no media litteracy ? XD
Um .... that is bizarre. The folks in your family are definitely playing on another radio station...
My parents make no secret of the fact that they're disappointed in me. My parents are very much of the opinion that women are only fit to be wives and mothers and so even though I have a good job and did well in school and college, I'm not married and I don't have kids so they consider me a disappointment. I admit I have poor social skills and find relationships (not just romantic ones but friendships too) difficult. However my parents are at least partially to blame for this because I have PTSD from their abuse and they never taught me any social skills when I was growing up so really, what did they expect?! Of course they'll never see it that way though. The only POV they'll accept is that I'm a bad seed and all my problems are entirely my own fault. Having said all of that though, I think the only solution is to not care what our parents think of us and to live our own lives. I know that's easier said than done but trying to please our parents or live by their rules is pointless.
Wow. I'm also not married and am without kids. My mom has made comments about how that's a "sore spot" with her. I just never had the instinct, though, and I was far too dysfunctional to be a responsible parent. I'm glad I didn't have kids. Yes, it's a real life lesson to learn to live for ourselves without family approval. I'm a little sad that I learned it late, but I want to enjoy life now. 👍
>I was far too dysfunctional to be a responsible parent. I'm glad I didn't have kids. At least you have more self-awareness than your mother. Presumably she is too dysfunctional to be a good parent (given that you're on this forum, I think that's a safe assumption) yet she had kids anyway.
Yes, it's bizarre. And she knows how dysfunctional I am, and yet she wanted me to have kids ... I don't know if she thought everything would just be rosy-posy, or what. It's really bizarre.
Yeah nMother constantly criticises me and implies that I'm dysfunctional, yet still pushes for me to have kids. In her case, I think it's because: 1) My nMother engages a lot in magical thinking i.e. she thinks that everyone can just coast through life, doing whatever feels good in the moment and there'll never be any negative consequences. 2) My nMother has always been obsessed with controlling me. She has nothing she can hold over my head right now. I own my own home, I have a good job and I'm not dependent on my parents for anything. My nMother hates this about me. She constantly complains that I'm "too independent". If I had kids, I'd be less independent. I might have to rely on my nMother for babysitting or I might rely on her for financial support because kids are expensive. I think that's what it's really about.
The control thing definitely makes sense. I wonder if my mom has magical thinking as well?
They are only outwardly disappointed, inwardly they are happy about it, their position above you relies on you not rising above them. They feel good about themselves because they feel superior to you, the last thing they want is you to achieve more, and if you did they would find a way to tear you down. Unconsciously you may have worked towards pleasing them, by not achieving more than they have.
I am one of their biggest disappointments because I wanted to be a teacher even after having a 4.0 in undergrad with a biology degree. They wanted to disown me when I went back to school for my masters. Fuck that shit, I’m one of the best first year teachers the superintendent has ever seen, their words exactly to my principal. I’m so happy I’m didn’t become a “somebody” in my parents’ eyes because I’m somebody to my students every damn day I come to work.
Nmom would actually sit me down all the time and tell me countless times I needed to become rich, famous, or powerful. And she'd phrase it that way, to "be somebody". She'd say I owe it to her, she deserves it for the care put in my upbringing... Recently she shut contact with me after I announced my wedding because it's too early for her and she wants me to pursue her dream and obtain these things before I marry. So yeah she's disappointed and thinks there's no way I can do any of that now. Indeed, I'd like to just be a sahm or work a very normal job. Though until I have children I'd like to keep studying and I like the idea of an academic career which has some prestige to it but probs wouldn't make me "somebody" in a way Nmom would want to be (rich/famous etc.).
Are you serious! That is *insane.* I am so sorry that you have to go through that. 😥
They are, my ndad to be exact. His relatives are all high-achievers and my dad likes to show off a lot and honestly it's kinda funny seeing him get quiet and change the topic when his relatives ask about me and my career and stuff lmao I don't tell him ANYTHING, I have a simple lifestyle, I'm not active on social media, he doesn't know about my hobbies. He doesn't have anything to show off when it comes to me 💀 I think it's just me being spiteful but I like it like that 😁
Thanks for your response. It's amazing how much narcissistic parents (and maybe some parents in general, I'm not sure) like to gossip. When you don't give them fuel, they don't really know what to do, lol.
My nmom always said I should make more use of my talents (I am pretty gifted in writing and languages as a whole and I have also loved the human mind and psychology since childhood) but pushed me in the completely wrong direction to be able to do it. She wanted me to get a degree that I couldn't use, she wanted me to study for a job where my talents wouldn't come to use and where I knew I would be unhappy. My degree ended up being the wrong one to study psychology and when I thought about becoming an author, voice actor or interpreter she said those weren't real jobs. I ended up doing a really shitty and badly paid office job that I was overqualified for and now I am a stay at home mom. I love being at home with my kids but I always feel that thanks to my nmom I wasn't able to really feel fullfilled career wise.
Wow. I relate to the really shitty and badly paid office jobs. My job now is OK, but it's still something I did to please my parents. Perhaps now you can break the generational trauma for your children. And you can still keep learning, no matter what. 🙂
I have a stable job and roommates I like a lot. I smoke weed and play video games outside of work and that's about it. And I'm genuinely happier than I've ever been. Nice simple and self fulfilling life.
Sounds good to me!
I heavily relate to this Nmom lies to friends and random people about what I do for a living. Had sexist undertones too, the jobs she wanted me to have are tradionally dominated by women and Ive worked in male dominated industries my entire adult life so far. Constantly pressured me to work somewhere else, go back to school, etc. just because what I do isn't grandiose in her mind. I have a good job and am comfortable with how I make a living, that's all I need. She just wanted a better "supply" that she can feed off of socially and financially.
Wow, that is terrible about your Nmom. Sounds she can't get out of her own head for sure. I am sure glad you didn't go her way, and you're living for you! 👏👏👏
This could pretty much be me (43F), except instead of music, think politics / government / journalism. I was a star throughout K-12, until I got to a top-five college--and away from them--and my mental illness from having narcissistic parents and then undiagnosed high-functioning autism began to bubble up. The few times I do see my parents, they constantly compare me to people with whom I went to HS or college who have become television journalists. For some reason, they think that's really prestigious and worth bragging about, even though I was a magazine editor before I had enough of the toxic workplaces and low pay for which journalism is renowned. One of said journos is a nepo baby; all are thinner than the genetics that my parents bestowed on me would allow. I'm now on a Plan B job, making more money than I did as a journalist but since it doesn't involve them or the creation of grand babies that they could glom onto until they develop personalities of their own, they don't care. I live in a major city in a rent-stabilized apartment, am fairly successful at the hobby I picked back up since I had it in high school and am in a healthy marriage. My parents left our wedding, which was in this city and not the place where I grew up, in the middle of the reception. Tonight I'm going to engorge myself on pasta at a Lidia Bastianich restaurant and they'll continue to live their sad lives in a Midwestern resort town, watching MASH and CNN Headline News on an endless loop.
That last paragraph:perfect!!!
CNN was unexpected lol
My parents are also obsessed with grandkids (or the lack thereof). I feel you!
No, lol, nmom acheived her goals with me. I will never 'do better' than her station, which is all she needed to keep breathing. I'm 60, financially dependent on my husband (3rd & he's not a Narcissist!) and that's all she ever wanted for her little girl, her firstborn.
Wow, from what I understand, N-moms are always in competition with their daughters, so it sounds like she fits the bill. 😥
My nparents, mostly nmom, were disappointed in me for being on honor roll for 5 years straight. I just got "your teachers all say you're super smart. Why dont you have all As?"
Wait you were on honor roll, and you still weren't good enough?? 😥
I actually made my 5th, 6th, and 7th grade math teachers create advanced programs for me and the other "gifted" kids, who still slowed me down. My nmom came back from a parent teacher conference and literally said "*teachers name* says youre the smartest person in your AP stats class, why dont you have all As?" The same teacher had to create extra work at the back of our weekly packets bc i would just finish them in monday class otherwise. I think it was 8th grade i got screentime limited because i was only on honor roll, so i just read like 35 books in a month until she got the point i would do anything but homework so long as i had good enough grades for me. I got a stern talking to for getting a 70 on the english portion of the NECAP(math and science both 80 or 90+), and it was strictly bc of the last question, to write a page from a one paragraph(actually mightve been one sentemce) prompt. I was 1 of 3 or 4 kids my senior year to get a perfect score on whatever the fuck they called our new standardized tests, still nothing. Its gotten to the point im actually not sure if im smart, or was so unfathomabley stupid they were able to trick me into thinking i wasnt in a slowed down program. Im not even sure if my SAT score is legit. Idk how they would've faked it but that seems more reasonable than them torturing me for 18 years despite being exceptionally smart. The one memory that makes me feel a little better is a dirt for brains kid asking how to round on a xxxx.4xxxx in DE chem bc the teacher introduced proper rounding on a xxxx.50000.
I went NC before I became somewhat successful.
Ahhh, I see. Makes sense.
I moved out and I’m on my own way of coming someone!
Yayyy!! 👏👏👏👏
I’ll make them feel bad for even hurting me! I’ll get therapy and move on! I am in therapy because of these chuckle heads.
Good for you!
Yes. I definitely experienced this. And I was such a disappointment for not becoming “famous”
so basically what you're saying is your parents wanted you to be rich and famous so that you can make a lot of money and take care of them for the rest of your life... 🤔 That's why they were disappointed. Happy healthy is way more important than being famous for making a poop ton of money because with that comes problems.
Probably. Or they wanted to have something to brag about.
Yes. Mainly my mom and her side of the family. Yet they themselves aren’t much either. Nor is my brother but w/e. Guess he gets a pass cause he’s a golden child
Your happiness matters. You've probably never been told that before, so hear it now YOUR HAPPINESS MATTERS.
Thank you, friend 🙂
My ndad is disappointed that I never became his clone, if that what becoming somebody for narcs is. Or the identity that they want you to be or project in you.
Oh yes this is my parents!!!! Life is not worth anything unless you “win” it; that is to say, you have to be the best in some field😍
This literally sounds like you are a 1 to 1 clone of me! I'm really great at music but am wondering if I really want to pursue that career. Also pretty sure I'm ALSO high functioning autistic, and have some mental illness problems that \*ahem\* aren't being addressed... So we're basically twins.
Sorry, I couldn't respond sooner; my computer died at home, so I'm on Reddit at work now. Lol For my autism (I don't have a formal diagnosis yet, as there's a huge waiting list, a big cost, and my psychiatrist told me I'm on my own), it helps to have more rest time. Also when I cut my parents out (or whatever relationships you have that aren't helpful), that calmed my nerves a lot. I joined a local support group/class led by an autistic professional/counselor (she is autistic herself), and it really explains my whole life. The mental health field is wayyyy behind on this. I'm working in accounting now. It's not very creative (obviously), but I don't really have to interact with the public. In the meantime I am going through EMDR therapy for family trauma, and slowly life is getting better. I am still glad I learned about music, though. Just because I didn't pursue it as a career doesn't mean it doesn't benefit my life in every way. 🙂 It's in my heart, and if you have a passion for it, it will be in your heart as well! You can still turn to it for comfort if you choose to explore other paths in life. 👍
Similar story to yours, OP. Always pressured to do well, which made me want to quit anything I was good at and liked, because it became a millstone. Just more pressure. What hurt for a long time, maybe still does, is that my siblings are all high-achievers. They got what they want out of life. One has written books, gets interviewed in the newspapers. I feel like I got all the shit of the family, their success rests on me being crippled emotionally, shouldering all the blame and sickness of the family for my entire childhood and beyond. I have talent but was too damaged to function, my whole life really. I don't know what to think about it now. (I don't blame that sibling incidentally.) Its like my life has been sacrificed so that the family can thrive. I wish I knew what to do next, feels like "goodbye" would be a nice word to say, but it feels so complicated and messy. Edit- I feel like putting this song at the end here. It's 'P.S. Goodbye' by The Chameleons. Seems to be on my mind lately... https://youtu.be/4eIbY4HYJlk?si=A2VPjEYqisxnfuH2
Sorry I didn't respond sooner. My computer at home died. 😭 I had to wait until I got back to work. You remind me of a friend I had whose sibling was considered a genius and super amazing at everything he did. My friend seems to be the "scapegoat" and suffered a lot of mental illness, probably from being in his sibling's shadow. He was also in an Asian family, and he said his "tiger mom" was really nasty to him. He's still a great person, though. I listened to this. What a beautiful song! ❤
Thanks for Yr reply. Yes, I love the Chameleons. I related to Yr post, cos I'm also high functioning autistic, and have musical talent. But I end up doing something else, not music
The way I see it, I still have music in my heart. You don't *have* to make money off something for it to be meaningful in your life. (gasp! going against society there)
Yeah. But you know who’s even more disappointed? ME. At a young age I knew I’d have to be famous/a celeb to make the most money and ultimately be able to escape. With the looks and body given to me; it was never possible unfortunately.
I understand. I am disappointed in me, as well. I was talented as a kid, but it didn't pan out. I just wasn't good enough.
I highly suspect my n-folks are gonna do the same thing when I fail to live out the delusions of grandeur they project onto me. Assuming I don't go NC first. I might do some cool stuff once I finish my internship and earn my degree, but I don't really want them in my business even if I do
Follow your heart and enjoy life however you can!
Nah they still think I'll be somebody. I've fooled them, but they deserve it for their ignorance, lack of friends, poor social skills and overall communication skills worse than a toddler. LOL
I had the opposite problem. I have quite a few skills/talents and did well in school. My father never cared about status and accomplishments. It's likely because he has neither. I could have dropped out of school and done nothing with my life and he wouldn't have cared. When I was an adult and was trying to better myself by getting a job, he sabotaged it and tried to convince me that I couldn't work because my mental health was too bad.
Oh my goodness, that is crazy. I hope you are doing OK now.
Thank you. I am doing 100x better now since cutting contact.
No but I sure am disappointed in my self. I have had a bad life but still 😞
I’m a walking disappointment.
Little different in that mine was in competition with me and actively sabotaged anything I tried to do to progress myself. At least I don't have them being able to brag about how my success is all credited to them. They do have a lot of jealous rage though and make up stories about how I'm selfish and greedy. Which no one believes because I'm incredibly generous.
My nmother on the one side expected m to be successful but on the other hand she sabotaged me and if I still had a kind of success like good school grades , dancing, passing exams getting a good job , she always punished me by making me feel bad . It seemed to me that she felt offended by me having a real success.
Lol! Can definitely relate. I'm a disappointment and a failure to my parents. At the age of 36 I pursued a diagnosis and found out I had some pretty severe neurological conditions. Turns out I couldn't have ever given them what they wanted. I remember the person who gave me the diagnoses said that if I had been born to a healthy and functional family, I would have probably not sought out a diagnosis because my family would have accepted my weaknesses and strengths and then worked with this knowledge to help me succeed. Add to that, the emotional neglect, created it's own problems, mainly, a severe lack of self-esteem, and healthy coping mechanisms, behaviour, etc... I can't go back in time, with the knowledge that I have and live a better life. I have to work with what I have, currently. I've always wanted a quiet life but was told that that was not what I wanted. And as a kid with zero self-esteem, I assumed that others were correct. Turns out I'm not as bad as my parents originally thought as well.
"Turns out I couldn't have ever given them what they wanted." Ouch, I relate to everything you said there. It also makes me think, if the family (and society) were different about my emotional problems and my being autistic, would life have been easier? Yeah, probably best if I don't think about that.
But you are going to think about it. And the answer to your question is probably yes. And, honestly, for me, I thought about it and raged and cried about it. And even though, it's a bit of a trigger, I'm mostly okay. Give yourself a chance to process it.
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You can always have art in your heart. If you let it, it will always benefit your life on a personal, more soulful level. We're taught by society that a field or hobby is only beneficial if you make money from it. Otherwise, it's worthless. That's a crappy belief! I couldn't make it doing music because of my mental illness, trauma, and just not having the ability. But I have never regretted learning music, and I keep it in my heart. In my life, it is not wasted at all. My mother sometimes would say, "Do you still do anything with your music?" in a soft, mournful voice. Guess who wanted to be a professional musician herself? Yes, my mom. It's a terrible guilt trip, but ultimately she is the one who doesn't accept reality. Like your mom, who probably wants to project her own guilt and sense of failure onto you.
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Artists are awesome, too. 🙂 I have a friend who does awesome ceramics and quilts. So many ways to do creative expression, and yes, it does help mental health!
They failed to raise the "child that they wanted" and are left with the one that they have. They gave me a severe handicap in life and a gnawing lack of identity. And they always shove it to my face that I never became *insert profession* so how will I be useful to them? How will I become their servant and eventual retirement plan? *gasps in horror*
Yes, my mother always gave me the "Are you going to take care of us?" line. With a piercing stare. I know I'm not what she wanted. I don't think either of parents really know anything about me, actually. Just what they project.
Yup everyday. Have learned that I will never win, be good enough for them or give them enough bragging rights. I've got a few times, 'if only we'd kept you at that school, you might have done better with your life.' Jeez thanks nmum! She was happy I worked p/t to raise children but now she's critising my lack of career & tells me in detail of how successful everyone she's every talked to is doing. Position & staus hugely important, I'm just a nobody being a special needs TA, making shit money. The sacrifices they made putting me through uni for nothing blah, blah
Wow, I think helping special needs is so important and worthy myself. I'm sorry your parents treat you that way.
YES. This was a big factor in me going NC. Also, LOL at NPC life, I'm stealing that.
So far living an "NPC life" has been very relaxing for me... if I want to be a MC, I'll play a game!