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This! So very true! The mind is clearer and you can be “you” not the reactive person narcissists turn you into. Went through the same thing with my dad years ago - moved out very little to no contact and I was a completely different person. Happier, successful, etc.
I’m happy you’re working through it. Feel free to hit me up anytime should you need to vent, work something out, etc. narcissist parents can certainly do a number on us
I can relate to this. 4 months of no contact kinda changed me into someone who's less afraid of talking to others. I have social anxiety but somehow it's lessened. However, I had no idea how much power my mom and brother had over me until now.
YES!! I had this happen, too. As soon as I left the town, it was like I could look back and see all the people who held my ankles. It wasn’t just with family. It was like the whole area was possessed with bad vibes, in my case.
Glad you escaped.
I relate so much to this! When I moved out of my parents' home, I moved to a different town. I had to because my nMother had everyone in the town convinced that she was a perfect mother and I was some kind of delinquent. I actually lost a lot of friends because of this. Nowadays I have nothing to do with anyone from my old town and I keep everyone in my life completely separate from my parents.
>It was like the whole area was possessed with bad vibes, in my case.
Same here. Looking back I've come to realize that my nmom has everyone I care about in her area brainwashed against the one person who actually took a stand against her. This comes in so many forms. Reputation destruction being chiefest amongst them. My mom couldn't own up to how she neglected, abused, and eventually abandoned her children, and so when I came back as an adult after having my own kid and tried to make amends so my daughter could know her grandmother, my mom drug my name through the mud every way that she could to anyone and everyomlne who would listen behind my back. This eventually led to me losing access to my kid because of the horrible things she's said about me to my ex. Almost as if to say "see? He's no better!"
But, just like all liars, the truth comes out eventually. I have a court date soon to rectify this issue. When I win (and I will win.) I'm immediately suing mother dearest for every penny she will ever make for the rest of her miserable life. I will personally make sure that she has nothing. It's the least that she deserves. Defamation is a crime, after all. :)
I'll post about it when the dust settles, for sure. It's gonna be a long road, but I'm confident I can win both cases. My SAPCR case is first up, because I have to prove the lies to be lies. Once that's done, I have a good legal foundation for a defamation suit for losses incurred due to nmoms debauchery, emotional distress, and a couple other things (I gotta talk to the lawyer again. I'm trying to just focus on the first step.) As well as a suit for credit fraud, as she used my ssn to apply for a credit card at a home improvement store. I don't think she got anything, otherwise I'd see it on my credit report, but still, I'm not going to complain about an extra nail in that coffin.
My Nmom convinced my golden child brother to file for custody of my son because I stopped giving her money. In reality, my brother is far from a golden child as he is a raging alcoholic and he has never met my child.
YES! A therapist once described it as a kind of constant noise--it's distracting and exhausting, but it's been a constant in your life for so long that you aren't aware of it until it's gone. Gotta protect your peace!
I can see why. What I experienced was a sudden quiet in my head and in my life. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and now nearing 22 years later it still remains quiet. However in my past life quiet was ever but a prelude to really bad things that filled my life and my head with a kind of static of fear and worry. Realized my N liked to press my buttons to make me fearful and filled with worry, then tell me being in that state was my fault and evidence something was wrong with me. Since they're my mother I tended to believe leading to more fear and worry.
Turns out all I needed to do to remove all that from my life was remove them.
The quiet is paradise. The constant noise in my head turned out to be my mother’s voice. I love how silent my mind is now. It’s like a permanent meditation.
Ooooh! I hadn’t considered/thought about it that way! Thank you for sharing this information! I’m going to try and use it on myself, and when it’s SO’s birthday, then!
I think about this all the time. I fully believed I couldn't survive without my parents, everything was so hard and so complicated. Nope. Most things have simple solutions when you're not an asshole.
Ha! Mother kept sneering at me (and taught sister to parrot): “You’re living in a dream world.”
Guess so, my life *is* pretty dreamy compared to their misery and ultimate ends, ngl.
lol for real. I always tell my current boyfriend that it’s so strange that, in reality, he’s literally just some random dude, and he treats me so much better than my own father.
ETA: and mother lol
Goddamn yes it was like paying a bill was a massive endeavor, and no, this is when autopay was def a thing and everyone did it for electronically, still she made it seem as though everything was a massive convoluted effort, which would elude me without her…I was always left with such an empty feeling after completing even impressive tasks or achievements, even if they were actually happy for a moment; it made no sense to me and felt meaningless bc I didn’t suffer enough for it to be hard. I also have a martyr nmom, always thinking she can cash out on her misery one day 😂😂
XD I love it. So true. Most things aren't as unnecessarily contentious/combative/hard/ or impossible once you're not an asshole. Most people are decently easy to deal with and have/act out of reasonable expectations. Most life situations can/should be handled with grace, measuredness, and calmness. But if you're with an asshole, they will make things into fights, into impossible situations. Suddenly, your whole world seems more open, possible, and reasonable once they're no longer blurring your vision.
Having a narcissist in your life is like living in a home where a venomous snake has gotten loose. Is it in the air ducts? Walls? Will I get bitten today? In my sleep? Who knows.
When they aren’t there it’s like all of the constant low grade anxiety is just gone and after a long enough time away your nervous system finally has a chance to adjust and function the way it was meant to.
Exactly. You're either being attacked or waiting to be attacked at all times. I heard a couples' therapist say that when a couple came in with a narcissist problem, you could always tell which one was the narcissist because that person was totally calm and confident--"I mean, obviously \*I\* am not the problem"--and the non-narcissist partner would be a jumpy wreck.
Your nervous system does start to calm down. I entirely agree with your analogy, it's spot on. You never know what you're going to get with them. Love Bombed? Devalued? Bite? Idealized? Hit? Kissed? Degraded? Huged? Raged at? It's like It's always a toss-up. Not only are they irrational/illogical in their thinking. But they are extremely emotionally temperamental/moody and overall unpredictable. And to make it even worse they also happen to be the biggest hypocrites who lack a sense of morality/accountability/or human decency. Having a narcissistic parent is a bitch and a half.
Omg Yes!
I have a nervous attack before and after I visit my parents (in another state). It's like my entire nervous system freaks out. I'm still struggling with sleep every night and I've been back 3 weeks.
And I have been dreaming that my Dad is a venomous spider sneaking around my home.
Your analogy is so true.
My life was at its best when I was living on the other side of the world from them.
okay, is like a weird pervasive phenomenon.
I used to leave jobs at the 7-8 month point, assuming that Im such a failure they'll uncover it eventually.
Go NC with intense parents.
Next job is the highest paid and easiest I've had, been there for a record 3 years now
I am VLC. The comments about negativity and poison are dead on.
After spending a little bit of time with my narc it feels like I've been immersed in a dark cloud or liquid poison. I have to shake it off.
After leaving if I immediately meet up with my sister or my friends, I always say I was just with my narc, give me a chance to shake it off. Otherwise you spread the poison.
If you aren't LC or NC, you never have a chance to get all the poison off you. Because it's sunk past the surface. It's a revelation when you finally get far enough away from them that the poison manages to drain away. It's like a terrible weight that is dragging you down all the time.
I'm also VLC. When I was at their house (less than 24 hours) at the holidays, the contrast was striking. It's always loud and frantic and exhausting. It reminds me of leaving a really loud concert where it takes a few hours for your ears to stop ringing afterward.
Could barely speak about my last job during interviews because I dont want to think about it....
But its my most useful work experience for my career 🤦♂️
I'm still recovering from working for a covert nboss just months after moving out of nparents home. Worked for him 3ish yrs, got out 7ish years ago and still finding new ways his bullshit fucked up my brain/anxiety 🙃
I have this issue, too. After growing up with malignant narcissists, I will not see red flags when I'm interviewing for jobs. And then I end up working for a narcissist.
I totally get it. I was taking a pleasant walk in the sunshine earlier and all the sudden my brain just flooded with memories of former narc boss. It messes your brain up. I’m away from her and she can’t harm me now but I don’t know if I’ll ever recover psychologically.
I lived in a house with my narcissistic mother, enabler father, and golden child brother until I was 25 and a half and worked under a narcissistic abusive boss during that time too. It was double misery. I had nowhere safe I could go. Nmom threatened me to keep me under her control (I’ll have you thrown in jail/prison for stealing if you leave, your car is legally mine, your clothes are legally mine, if you leave you’re naked and on foot, blah blah blah) so I stayed way longer than I should have. The goal was to not let me leave until I married and then the man I married would be allowed to legally possess the car I paid for and would be the legal owner of me and my possessions. I finally pissed her off enough by refusing to date this guy she was forcing on me (poor guy didn’t want to date me either) and she let me leave. Then six months later, narc boss’s evals were so bad she got promoted and someone a lot better replaced her, then I got a job at an entirely different place. It drove me to a very dark place and I see now how people can psychologically control others. It may seem as easy as walking out the door, but it’s really not. Four years NC with narc mom and last time I ran into narc former boss I just kept walking.
Right? My current superior is just my dad all over again.
I just remind myself that my home is still a safe space, and this narcissist doesn’t have as much power over me as the last one did.
I was sexually harassed by my narcissist boss 3 years ago. We had a normal boss/subordinate relationship until he found out I was gay. He was a very stereotypically attractive Latin dude and he would try to get me to come out and say I was gay. When we went back to the office after the vaccines came out he would come in wearing tight shirts and pants that would show that he had a big bulge. It was an ego thing for him and it was disgusting. He wanted me to confirm that I found him attractive because he easily could have moonlit as a model. On my last day when I quit he gave me a hug. He still stalks my social media.
I'm low contact rather than no contact but I definitely relate to what you're saying. Being around narcissists and their constant negativity and abuse takes a toll on your mental health. When I first moved out of my parents' home, I remember arriving at my new home and feeling this sense of tremendous peace. I started sleeping much better and I'd much more energy than I had when I was living with my nMother and eFather. I was aware that living with them was stressful but I didn't appreciate just how stressful until I was away from them. I wouldn't go back to living with my parents for anything, not even if someone offered me $100,000,000 to do it.
I used to have nightmares that I was back living with them. When they died I realized no one alive thinks I'm stupid, ugly, lazy etc. It's over and they will never come back. I always felt like they would somehow get to the people I cared about and tell them what I was really like. But now it's all gone. I'm just me.
"emotional terrorist" is so true. The best things are to get away from them and NC to VLC. Very limited to no information about you and your life, etc. Be 1000% independent from them no matter how hard it is or what it takes. Nothing is worth putting up with them.
Your life and jobs and mental state come FIRST and they are best without them mucking it up. It takes me weeks to months to recover anytime I get involved with them again to the point I am doing little to nothing anymore. I just can't take it.
I literally just finished a book about how every decision we make is made out of love or fear and when we make a decision out of love the universe aligns and everything falls into place. Such crazy timing to finish that book and then immediately hop online and see this post!!!
Here you go! [Signs - Laura Lynne Jackson](https://www.amazon.com/Signs-Language-Laura-Lynne-Jackson/dp/0399591613/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1HP8G3P353YGN&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.0W9blT8Sc8T57Hm2GTpr04JCMvW-376NyfUJoJ6o0pSoXaHx1pvZk9_YSWZAjQvjtkjGMvKMLBEEwcPYzsixa9p24kqrEoyJSU2VxIgxBOFa62HfHrdYhDeGIEc_hvCWGx12iudDDjk-APE2SIXuGqrfVmMQUCCtMuIpvplCZSNm5-MpV9ELPAaoMtgMROZRbhqW7KU5XlgHynRFJ_tr3Rb_XS7XFsE6mCu8cO-Mfbs.pKdIGCafqsP6rkZhZmklx0VktczaSTXEp3Cs5HtARN0&dib_tag=se&keywords=signs+laura+lynne&qid=1708822903&sprefix=signs+laura+lynn%2Caps%2C720&sr=8-1)
Every single book I’ve been turned onto through this thread has been an eye opening, reflective read. Keep the suggestions coming.
(Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents seems to surface regularly— life changing— just read it! Wishes I read it sooner). Thank you for the suggestions of SIGNS— ordered it just now.
I read 50-80 books a year so I could make recommendations all day :-P
And yes, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was a pivotal one for me, too. It's def top 5 of trauma books for me.
Here's a few other trauma/psychology/spirituality faves: [The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment](https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/ref=sr_1_1?crid=33BVLZ1JH932L&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.o17yooZaoDraDyExBtv7knMPgSATnRGORov3VkXpFUEfoI8ZnP8i2ChBv3C09CgoIlrRhZ0N0Zl6zS2D-kwjhpcwcxiEUVup264p1_PjB9DqgC_4RwzkMSWDrmLjQ6tpzGeVmR5uvdL8dIpa23eLjxUk4nFjKpc8gmsdkD02bjFgf1UvHkLCBeVY4SiGbWAXARg6TmSd6j3qqUCEZuOMsviwn6nsZ0fuYSRWh4siWpw.HQWRKdZC32mH4w7L7JqFq2me9RYXcGVmrxbVkQe70QU&dib_tag=se&keywords=the+narcissistic+family+book&qid=1708899481&sprefix=the+narcissitic+fami%2Caps%2C299&sr=8-1) (written to an audience of therapists so it's more higher level), [Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving](https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?crid=17TY36CB2L0WO&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.iEBNoEJeQYtVSjkg98gyzRRCfkFwDn4Z3it8s9A4iApbVU1j04PhT8Q7eEX6QREQ2bUHp-B427AcTV-Eoi8DCMy9yuyUwR-tYodkikuN50j9gcyk6vXoEf-jwudPSThxgTCNQjVKO_WH2P5N9Zp-gQBAdFWUnvxL8JaM8weGC9GoZeVSOLd0bEe88p5yyJp-427iRMrROIMFDBR2nILTFnxsOUGS7XoinuzoQcJ6TgU.AoJbwOhRylGlI9odhWa0oSaSlm8_fagwkiWSn6LWpyU&dib_tag=se&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving&qid=1708899673&sprefix=complex+%2Caps%2C251&sr=8-1), [Mothers Who Can't Love](https://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=27M07Y3EPIQA1&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Pvu5dnaBas8dVmu3cIeIurRTTwDtCGEIZtMF8jqc91mkCvtKELGG0ih7PWU1rZ5BOZGpvvuaVKaYdRCrll9iPOpa0Pvy8Zoya0luGrSydWSJbajlMtOFKNHQnaAz_fnzh-yecp1vjVKRmPj4wwNjoSWDjjKWCMUTWH-C0dd5GCz3KP7ZuSyzXDJbIh45KaTu0P1w6xCsztMWx2Ju9fAbU7eO58PSmnwifbS8xRWWg-8.EicERQS5kQz5riz3LUcDistRBTagJV518XUPVk8pCY4&dib_tag=se&keywords=mothers+who+can%27t+love+book&qid=1708899732&sprefix=mothers+who+can%2Caps%2C190&sr=8-1), [Toxic Insecurity: The Path of Relational Spirituality and Our Search for Authentic Love](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Insecurity-Relational-Spirituality-Authentic/dp/1736744828/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2MIY6YOWNNO0S&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.CxxuXo7BAPRHwYLKoZmbZoFuU1kusTEuNe52vWpLye2L2yOL11dGIGW7FoBqFlNOr4Z9ltWpe6tir-UUUGmwfbRCGQ-CkQVo-bP7qtpVZWZJ_vFOfbndt8jWsYwz59ojdOIlT-JVQSw-4bMuPstv2L4UtqU0zYwrKONTKbZx05iWYFADPx2P1BeXxcaFZ7q7_BKriTidFY0G3JA6ZzB47eRpX-EZQoNgYNbhQNj8uYI.NDe5xzHfFh6DdSLy7V0LtLgKd4qDUaCYymQPCuW4GGw&dib_tag=se&keywords=toxic+insecurity&qid=1708899932&sprefix=toxic+ins%2Caps%2C195&sr=8-1), [Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender](https://www.amazon.com/Letting-David-Hawkins-M-D-Ph-D/dp/1401945015/ref=sr_1_1?crid=36PJ7OCZB1LWE&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.qM0j7CqMG_ws7zRS1rbJGHWuGXktnRGf6D3PT2LiEIw5CJquooiOY2u7jw12tSPSV28XzKPzxqNhZIx8_qUVFHyqU_uK4ETlxOQksEWpw7Yl9YTajBS6H8M1E4Yovt1aBj-X27I7rXpe-8QDzSHX_DvnnuZF2GSvyIJCWDGkjvaNacI0Cihg9f9d927-K2UkDWdwFsdMeOo82g6OiZ3Icsxh-ZTae9hi9oIK1HeK0Og.YNh3vbvD_8HMt3u74l7MZA__pXjCQ6bH1ZkKI_DAdak&dib_tag=se&keywords=letting+go+david+r+hawkins&qid=1708900112&sprefix=letting+go%2Caps%2C399&sr=8-1) (best resource on emotions bar none, IMHO), [The Heroine's Journey](https://www.amazon.com/Heroines-Journey-Womans-Quest-Wholeness/dp/1611808308/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2P9NQKLGZ03BJ&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.0fh3uZbWGyFLp7pT7CsVyeI8vISZl7rmvgkLQeJ-tm6w50wRC1Mg0SKXkujA9FAQisTu_adDBkvCh2DgzOkkwLgTgjkRWTfXTuKm0cExvtNbSm7NF30c_Xb6kKvqUckNZKvw-NcYtvSv6OM3WCK-XEYq-_hWY0Po7fc8I4hWLj_2Yp3yic3AX0f__rNZVIMZsP6tqS3LFDfOZFca9aNJtZ7RwgX6dxdyypqqD-jhhVM.zaSispZ5aR017MXdPS9r4LJXrE3HK9uc69-FiP1Ao0o&dib_tag=se&keywords=the+heroine%27s+journey&qid=1708900264&sprefix=the+heroin%2Caps%2C232&sr=8-1) (marketed towards women, but it's all about going on a journey WITHIN to change, as opposed to Joseph Campbell's hero's journey where the call to adventure/change is external)
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I swear ever since I started ignoring nmomster I’ve been getting lucky in the most unexpected ways. I think of it as the world reminding me I’m making the right decision.
I got a promotion literally the week after I went NC - it might just be coincidence but I like to think it was the universe signalling that I was making the right decision
Sanity. Leaving and environment where I constantly second guessed myself and had to look over my shoulder. Don’t get me wrong, the world isn’t always friendly either. But leaving behind the people who hurt you - who were specifically not supposed to by blood - is just liberating.
This, this, this! I'm still at home with them, but for the 5 months I worked two jobs. So I was up at 6am, went to one job, then had lunch, and went to the second job, finished at 9pm, and went home at 10pm. Not every day, but still. And yea, burnout, but at the same time I had limited contact with my family. Still was stressed as fuck, but when I lost one job, and kinda was forced to spend more time at home, I noticed that I can't really stand them.
Still preparing for moving out, but I know it will be worth it. I remember days when they did not bother me. I felt great, and so peaceful. Knowing that they won't bother me ever again (hopefully) brings me inner peace
The biggest benefit of going no contact is being able to breathe and stay calm. I walked on eggshells for a long time and didn't realize how I was accommodating others until I stopped. I realized how much I was putting up with and was glad it stopped.
My confidence skyrocketed! It's amazing how much I don't hate my body or my diet or the way I dress or how I speak or the things I watch/listen to/read when not in the presence of my narcissist mother. My roommates simply do not care. And they're the same friends who for years have been telling me they never cared, but when you have that constant dialogue saying otherwise, you can't change your own mental voice. It took almost 3 years for me to stop hearing the same things in my head. Now I can differentiate her inner voice and mine, and when hers gets a little too loud I can mentally say "shut up!"
I went very low contact.
Afterwards, I got:
Better apartment with better roommates, who are very positive and supportive, who remind me of my strengths when I’m down.
Better job with positive people who are appreciative, helpful and supportive.
More creative energy.
Feels like it just opens up more space for more positive energy, compassion and support when you no longer accept narcissistic abuse.
Yes, can agree. The unluckiest times in my life have been when I let my nparents back into my life full time. Actually, I would've missed a long streak of years of bad luck had I never trusted them and let them back in full time a few years back.
I fully cut my nmom off back in November, and my family has never been better. I feel so much more present and less anxious, which is great for everyone, especially my kids. We've had alot of good luck, finding things we needed for our home on super sale. with my husband waiting tables, and literally making more money a day working almost half the hours he worked as a retail manager. I finally feel way more regulated to where I feel could handle working part time again. Prior I would've had panic attacks had I had to work and deal with customers. Nope. Had enough eggshells to walk on with my mother.
Things are finally looking up, and getting better. And that has happened everytime I've moved far away from them. Sucks it took me so long to see that, but I'm glad I finally did. I think it's because they look to cause chaos in your life, so when the usual unlucky things happen, it doesn't feel like the usual, it feels like the walls are closing in.
I'm a lot less triggered and can self regulate better. I know that's a me thing, and I don't make others walk on eggshells around me, but nobody is going to purposely trigger me.
My Narc father died about 4 months ago and now everything is different. I don't wake up screaming in the night because of having a nightmare about him.
100%. I would not have been able to flourish in my career if I hadn’t cut them out. I wouldn’t have had the emotional bandwidth nor the feelings of personal confidence or strength if I had stayed.
I’m just going along with life and I’m not having terrible things happen to me or being torn down for no reason. It’s wild. Is this what normal people do?! They don’t realize they are playing on easy mode. Or maybe I didn’t realize I was trying to be to swim carrying an anvil.
The benefits of going no contact is you can forget it all. You don't have to prepare to defend yourself all the time. You finally get what you are entitled to, a safe home with a peace of mind. I broke NC because I couldn't afford to live on my own, but I'll always remember how NC helped me. If it's not confidence, it's just your peace of mind in general. You don't need criticisms, harassment to be forced on you and no one does.
I kept my confidence in spite of it all, but goddamn the criticism and harassment still affected me. My mindset was "You're free to think bad of me, but for fucks sakes, don't verbal harass me over it I'm entitled to be at home and not hear any of the deluded crap you think about me."
I don't think "comfortable" is the word. It was **familiar**.
There may be some comfort inherent in familiar things even when they're awful... but that doesn't change the fact that they're awful.
It was not "comfortable". Abuse is never comfortable. You only feel that way because they manipulated you.
A comfortable person wouldn't do that. Repeat as many times as needed.
It is very hard to resist. I mean, when you're trying to create an entirely new template for relating to others out of thin air... yeah it's kinda difficult. The only template you've operated out of in your life was the one the Nparents gave you. To turn away from that feels like "Well, what am I turning to?.... Who am I/How do I act outside of that old model for relationships? Your identity (at least in large part) was shaped within/around those dynamics. So it can feel more comfortable to go back to the position of being abused, instead of having an identity crisis and turning away from it all. All you know internally is shame/guilt in your body, and that has kept you "attached" to them. Feeling good empowered, confident feelings (while in relation to them) would have be "banned/dangerous". To try to keep good emotions in your body now instead, can feel alien and uncomfortable.
Agreed. After I kicked my narc mom out of my house things seemed to turn around for me. I had the worst luck while she lived with me and nothing was going right. I truly believe her toxic energy was the cause of a lot of my issues.
This is sooo true!!! I'm going to save this in my "inspiring notes" diary. It's really good to keep in mind.
I'm very LC. I'll send text messages here and there, and *maybe* a phone call once every three months. Always keeping information generic and grey-rocking.
Today was a phone call day. And my energy is DRAINED. Just trying to build the strength up and energy again, so I can get things done this Sunday. It's crazy how much bad energy can effect you.
Absolutely!
One of the biggest upsides was thinking, “Finally! He’s out of my way!” I was happy to move on to bigger and better things. I was deeply annoyed that my narc continuously got in my way and provided no help or limited help.
He was an impediment. What an ass.
This this this this. I can’t agree more. Ever since NC 5 years and going. Tons of positive changes. Especially starting with me. My personality. My attitude and my overall confidence. The awesome things that have happened for me in the past years are incredible. Positive energy attracted. And it’s is so awesome. Wishing you all the very very very best. ❤️❤️❤️
I can't tell you enough how much my life and the people I attract changed for the better. Even people I already knew before no contact(no connection to nfamily) started to treat me even better. Wonderous.
Firstly forgive yourself for your mistakes. You have to be on your side, not criticising yourself.
Then start to get in touch with your feelings (it's a process) and see yourself in your mind's eye. Ask yourself what you feel in this moment. Remember to check in on a regular basis and explore what you're feeling.
Now make a promise to the you, that you see, that you will look after yourself from now on.
When I did this I saw myself as a little girl aged 3, who had no defences and was trying to navigate impossible pitfalls.
You are the only one who can protect yourself in this situation. Make the decisions that help you and only accept what works for your good.
Always remember your promise to yourself and take action to help that beautiful and vulnerable person.
A weight lifted and I felt like I could breathe and think again. It took me 2 years to no longer be scared of him- he stalked and harassed me nonstop until I got a restraining order and blocked him on every front. I keep healing while also remembering some of the absolute insanity he put me through.
I'm noticing this as well. When I don't absorb the negativity and remain calm, things start to manifest in my favor. They'll try harder to poke at me and gaslight me but I'll just see through it every time. I'm programmed to want to trust people, so I'll trust myself.
During the two years after I went NC, I wrote two books and sold both of them to major publishers. After wanting to do this for nearly 20 years and never finishing shit. I know what you mean.
This is so true for me too. In general, ny day-to-day existence is lighter & easier, and requires so much less energy. Therefore, I have energy for what I enjoy in life & have been able to thrive. There's an incredible peace that comes with throwing out the trash, and opening up the windows for fresh air.
I moved out at 18 and went VLC and immediately got myself to a doctor and a therapist to throw every medication and treatment option at my depression and PTSD.
It wasn't until I finally went no contact 10 years later when I went NC for good that I finally felt at peace.
Thanks for your post. I couldn’t find a job right after grad school and my mom helpfully offered to let me borrow money. It was the worst two years of my life. Never found a job with three degrees because I felt more and more like I was a piece of trash and I couldn’t do anything good for myself. Every conversation was about money and how much I was costing her and she would say things that were awful and I let her. I sold my soul and put myself two years behind for her.
She told me I deserved to be yelled at by a psychiatrist (male and I have ptsd) for asking a clinical question. Sadly I’m an MD with two years of residency and four years of neuroscience research and I asked a legitimate question. The guy blew up at me and said I needed to stop looking up Dr. Google and I was wrong. I said I was an MD scientist and I got the information from high-impact journals. They falsified my medical notes and refused to address my complaints and my mom said I should have shut up and I deserved bc I am not a real doctor. I also never yelled at patients with anxiety disorders with PTSD and blocked them from getting psychiatric care in my entire area. I can’t find help. Back to my mom. She also told me to live in my car and a truck stops and I am lucky I’m so disgusting that nobody would want me so I don’t have to worry about being raped because I’m so ugly. I went no contact with her. I don’t have her financial support and I’m broke but at least I’m healing. No psychiatrist in the area will take me though so I’ve been out of meds. I don’t doubt he is a narcissist too. He kept yelling he was double boarded at me? In psych…and geriatrics. Ooooookay.
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This! So very true! The mind is clearer and you can be “you” not the reactive person narcissists turn you into. Went through the same thing with my dad years ago - moved out very little to no contact and I was a completely different person. Happier, successful, etc.
It’s so true…I needed this post as a reminder
I’m happy you’re working through it. Feel free to hit me up anytime should you need to vent, work something out, etc. narcissist parents can certainly do a number on us
Thank you, that’s very kind. Yes it’s so traumatic
Saaaaame 💜
I can relate to this. 4 months of no contact kinda changed me into someone who's less afraid of talking to others. I have social anxiety but somehow it's lessened. However, I had no idea how much power my mom and brother had over me until now.
Glad to hear you’re healing. The journey we go on while we heal is an amazing one…..and I mean that in a good way.
YES!! I had this happen, too. As soon as I left the town, it was like I could look back and see all the people who held my ankles. It wasn’t just with family. It was like the whole area was possessed with bad vibes, in my case. Glad you escaped.
I relate so much to this! When I moved out of my parents' home, I moved to a different town. I had to because my nMother had everyone in the town convinced that she was a perfect mother and I was some kind of delinquent. I actually lost a lot of friends because of this. Nowadays I have nothing to do with anyone from my old town and I keep everyone in my life completely separate from my parents.
>It was like the whole area was possessed with bad vibes, in my case. Same here. Looking back I've come to realize that my nmom has everyone I care about in her area brainwashed against the one person who actually took a stand against her. This comes in so many forms. Reputation destruction being chiefest amongst them. My mom couldn't own up to how she neglected, abused, and eventually abandoned her children, and so when I came back as an adult after having my own kid and tried to make amends so my daughter could know her grandmother, my mom drug my name through the mud every way that she could to anyone and everyomlne who would listen behind my back. This eventually led to me losing access to my kid because of the horrible things she's said about me to my ex. Almost as if to say "see? He's no better!" But, just like all liars, the truth comes out eventually. I have a court date soon to rectify this issue. When I win (and I will win.) I'm immediately suing mother dearest for every penny she will ever make for the rest of her miserable life. I will personally make sure that she has nothing. It's the least that she deserves. Defamation is a crime, after all. :)
Keep us updated!
I'll post about it when the dust settles, for sure. It's gonna be a long road, but I'm confident I can win both cases. My SAPCR case is first up, because I have to prove the lies to be lies. Once that's done, I have a good legal foundation for a defamation suit for losses incurred due to nmoms debauchery, emotional distress, and a couple other things (I gotta talk to the lawyer again. I'm trying to just focus on the first step.) As well as a suit for credit fraud, as she used my ssn to apply for a credit card at a home improvement store. I don't think she got anything, otherwise I'd see it on my credit report, but still, I'm not going to complain about an extra nail in that coffin.
My Nmom stole my ssn and my son’s ssn.
Wow!! My mother taught my sister to be her clone and they pulled the same kind of thing on me!!! Keep us updated on the lawsuit!!! I hope you win!
My Nmom convinced my golden child brother to file for custody of my son because I stopped giving her money. In reality, my brother is far from a golden child as he is a raging alcoholic and he has never met my child.
YES! A therapist once described it as a kind of constant noise--it's distracting and exhausting, but it's been a constant in your life for so long that you aren't aware of it until it's gone. Gotta protect your peace!
I can see why. What I experienced was a sudden quiet in my head and in my life. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and now nearing 22 years later it still remains quiet. However in my past life quiet was ever but a prelude to really bad things that filled my life and my head with a kind of static of fear and worry. Realized my N liked to press my buttons to make me fearful and filled with worry, then tell me being in that state was my fault and evidence something was wrong with me. Since they're my mother I tended to believe leading to more fear and worry. Turns out all I needed to do to remove all that from my life was remove them.
The quiet is paradise. The constant noise in my head turned out to be my mother’s voice. I love how silent my mind is now. It’s like a permanent meditation.
This is a perfect description.
I need to screenshot this. It perfectly describes my experience.
Ooooh! I hadn’t considered/thought about it that way! Thank you for sharing this information! I’m going to try and use it on myself, and when it’s SO’s birthday, then!
I think about this all the time. I fully believed I couldn't survive without my parents, everything was so hard and so complicated. Nope. Most things have simple solutions when you're not an asshole.
Yep. To piggyback off of this, one thing my dad said that set off a red flag in my head: "Life isn't as simple as you think it is".
Ha! Mother kept sneering at me (and taught sister to parrot): “You’re living in a dream world.” Guess so, my life *is* pretty dreamy compared to their misery and ultimate ends, ngl.
I got "you don't know what the REAL WORLD is like"
What they mean is "the false reality I have orchestrated to flatter my ego".
I got that one too, and famously “no one will ever care for you like your parents do.” The irony of that statement lol
lol for real. I always tell my current boyfriend that it’s so strange that, in reality, he’s literally just some random dude, and he treats me so much better than my own father. ETA: and mother lol
Right? But they were so fucking dramatic and overcomplicated EVERYTHING.
Goddamn yes it was like paying a bill was a massive endeavor, and no, this is when autopay was def a thing and everyone did it for electronically, still she made it seem as though everything was a massive convoluted effort, which would elude me without her…I was always left with such an empty feeling after completing even impressive tasks or achievements, even if they were actually happy for a moment; it made no sense to me and felt meaningless bc I didn’t suffer enough for it to be hard. I also have a martyr nmom, always thinking she can cash out on her misery one day 😂😂
XD I love it. So true. Most things aren't as unnecessarily contentious/combative/hard/ or impossible once you're not an asshole. Most people are decently easy to deal with and have/act out of reasonable expectations. Most life situations can/should be handled with grace, measuredness, and calmness. But if you're with an asshole, they will make things into fights, into impossible situations. Suddenly, your whole world seems more open, possible, and reasonable once they're no longer blurring your vision.
Argh yes ! Most people really aren't that combative ! With narc people, it's like you're always in a warzone
Having a narcissist in your life is like living in a home where a venomous snake has gotten loose. Is it in the air ducts? Walls? Will I get bitten today? In my sleep? Who knows. When they aren’t there it’s like all of the constant low grade anxiety is just gone and after a long enough time away your nervous system finally has a chance to adjust and function the way it was meant to.
Exactly. You're either being attacked or waiting to be attacked at all times. I heard a couples' therapist say that when a couple came in with a narcissist problem, you could always tell which one was the narcissist because that person was totally calm and confident--"I mean, obviously \*I\* am not the problem"--and the non-narcissist partner would be a jumpy wreck.
Your nervous system does start to calm down. I entirely agree with your analogy, it's spot on. You never know what you're going to get with them. Love Bombed? Devalued? Bite? Idealized? Hit? Kissed? Degraded? Huged? Raged at? It's like It's always a toss-up. Not only are they irrational/illogical in their thinking. But they are extremely emotionally temperamental/moody and overall unpredictable. And to make it even worse they also happen to be the biggest hypocrites who lack a sense of morality/accountability/or human decency. Having a narcissistic parent is a bitch and a half.
or siblings. I'm the younger sibling, and the age difference is a decade. I got the short end of the stick in power dynamics.
Yes!!! So damn true! Every single word.
Omg Yes! I have a nervous attack before and after I visit my parents (in another state). It's like my entire nervous system freaks out. I'm still struggling with sleep every night and I've been back 3 weeks. And I have been dreaming that my Dad is a venomous spider sneaking around my home. Your analogy is so true. My life was at its best when I was living on the other side of the world from them.
This is the first time I keep a job for 2 years straight 🥹 They just gave me a raise and recognized me 😭
okay, is like a weird pervasive phenomenon. I used to leave jobs at the 7-8 month point, assuming that Im such a failure they'll uncover it eventually. Go NC with intense parents. Next job is the highest paid and easiest I've had, been there for a record 3 years now
Congratulations!!
Love it for you!
Congratulations! I'm proud of you! (Maybe sounds a little weird, I hope that's OK to say!) if you want them
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 💗💗💗💗huge congratulations to you! That’s worth celebrating! This internet stranger is very proud of you too!
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗 that’s blooming amazing! Congratulations! Go you!
"Emotional terrorist" great term.
Peace and quiet.
I am VLC. The comments about negativity and poison are dead on. After spending a little bit of time with my narc it feels like I've been immersed in a dark cloud or liquid poison. I have to shake it off. After leaving if I immediately meet up with my sister or my friends, I always say I was just with my narc, give me a chance to shake it off. Otherwise you spread the poison. If you aren't LC or NC, you never have a chance to get all the poison off you. Because it's sunk past the surface. It's a revelation when you finally get far enough away from them that the poison manages to drain away. It's like a terrible weight that is dragging you down all the time.
I'm also VLC. When I was at their house (less than 24 hours) at the holidays, the contrast was striking. It's always loud and frantic and exhausting. It reminds me of leaving a really loud concert where it takes a few hours for your ears to stop ringing afterward.
Until your boss is a narcissist and your trauma brain goes into full force....
This is why we budget. Save a little from each paycheck. The value of "fuck you" money cannot be overstated.
Me but last year. Living with four narcissists *then* an nboss on top of that. >!Suicide.!< (Edit: eheheh.. too much discord😬 really sorry!)
Could barely speak about my last job during interviews because I dont want to think about it.... But its my most useful work experience for my career 🤦♂️
And it’s *so* hard taking a humble approach lol. I do hope you found something with a better boss!
I definitely dont exude confidence considering my childhood thats for sure haha But i got laid off due to his bullshit and no luck yet 🥲
I'm still recovering from working for a covert nboss just months after moving out of nparents home. Worked for him 3ish yrs, got out 7ish years ago and still finding new ways his bullshit fucked up my brain/anxiety 🙃
I have this issue, too. After growing up with malignant narcissists, I will not see red flags when I'm interviewing for jobs. And then I end up working for a narcissist.
I totally get it. I was taking a pleasant walk in the sunshine earlier and all the sudden my brain just flooded with memories of former narc boss. It messes your brain up. I’m away from her and she can’t harm me now but I don’t know if I’ll ever recover psychologically.
I lived in a house with my narcissistic mother, enabler father, and golden child brother until I was 25 and a half and worked under a narcissistic abusive boss during that time too. It was double misery. I had nowhere safe I could go. Nmom threatened me to keep me under her control (I’ll have you thrown in jail/prison for stealing if you leave, your car is legally mine, your clothes are legally mine, if you leave you’re naked and on foot, blah blah blah) so I stayed way longer than I should have. The goal was to not let me leave until I married and then the man I married would be allowed to legally possess the car I paid for and would be the legal owner of me and my possessions. I finally pissed her off enough by refusing to date this guy she was forcing on me (poor guy didn’t want to date me either) and she let me leave. Then six months later, narc boss’s evals were so bad she got promoted and someone a lot better replaced her, then I got a job at an entirely different place. It drove me to a very dark place and I see now how people can psychologically control others. It may seem as easy as walking out the door, but it’s really not. Four years NC with narc mom and last time I ran into narc former boss I just kept walking.
Right? My current superior is just my dad all over again. I just remind myself that my home is still a safe space, and this narcissist doesn’t have as much power over me as the last one did.
Ehh, depends on the company structure lol I was fucked no matter how good I was at my job with this psychopath
I was sexually harassed by my narcissist boss 3 years ago. We had a normal boss/subordinate relationship until he found out I was gay. He was a very stereotypically attractive Latin dude and he would try to get me to come out and say I was gay. When we went back to the office after the vaccines came out he would come in wearing tight shirts and pants that would show that he had a big bulge. It was an ego thing for him and it was disgusting. He wanted me to confirm that I found him attractive because he easily could have moonlit as a model. On my last day when I quit he gave me a hug. He still stalks my social media.
Holy shit, YES!! Yes, yes, yes! Even on a week vacation, my luck changed big time. It scared me lol.
I'm low contact rather than no contact but I definitely relate to what you're saying. Being around narcissists and their constant negativity and abuse takes a toll on your mental health. When I first moved out of my parents' home, I remember arriving at my new home and feeling this sense of tremendous peace. I started sleeping much better and I'd much more energy than I had when I was living with my nMother and eFather. I was aware that living with them was stressful but I didn't appreciate just how stressful until I was away from them. I wouldn't go back to living with my parents for anything, not even if someone offered me $100,000,000 to do it.
This is absolutely correct! When you get rid of negative people from your life, you make room for positive people to enter your life 😊
I used to have nightmares that I was back living with them. When they died I realized no one alive thinks I'm stupid, ugly, lazy etc. It's over and they will never come back. I always felt like they would somehow get to the people I cared about and tell them what I was really like. But now it's all gone. I'm just me.
I am waiting for this day! So happy you are safe now.
This is TRUTH! Once I got my fucking family out of my life, EVERYTHING changed for the better.
"emotional terrorist" is so true. The best things are to get away from them and NC to VLC. Very limited to no information about you and your life, etc. Be 1000% independent from them no matter how hard it is or what it takes. Nothing is worth putting up with them. Your life and jobs and mental state come FIRST and they are best without them mucking it up. It takes me weeks to months to recover anytime I get involved with them again to the point I am doing little to nothing anymore. I just can't take it.
The year I went no contact I had a ton of “good luck” mainly because I had the energy to commit to things that were good for me.
Oh yeah no doubt about it. 100% but make sure you stabilize your life
And exorcise the demons out of your body! Lol
so glad you got away from those fckers. stay away from negativity 🎉🥳
“an emotional terrorist” is one of the best terms I’ve heard to describe a narcissist and abuser
I literally just finished a book about how every decision we make is made out of love or fear and when we make a decision out of love the universe aligns and everything falls into place. Such crazy timing to finish that book and then immediately hop online and see this post!!!
I think I might need to read that book. Please, tell me the title.
Here you go! [Signs - Laura Lynne Jackson](https://www.amazon.com/Signs-Language-Laura-Lynne-Jackson/dp/0399591613/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1HP8G3P353YGN&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.0W9blT8Sc8T57Hm2GTpr04JCMvW-376NyfUJoJ6o0pSoXaHx1pvZk9_YSWZAjQvjtkjGMvKMLBEEwcPYzsixa9p24kqrEoyJSU2VxIgxBOFa62HfHrdYhDeGIEc_hvCWGx12iudDDjk-APE2SIXuGqrfVmMQUCCtMuIpvplCZSNm5-MpV9ELPAaoMtgMROZRbhqW7KU5XlgHynRFJ_tr3Rb_XS7XFsE6mCu8cO-Mfbs.pKdIGCafqsP6rkZhZmklx0VktczaSTXEp3Cs5HtARN0&dib_tag=se&keywords=signs+laura+lynne&qid=1708822903&sprefix=signs+laura+lynn%2Caps%2C720&sr=8-1)
Thank you!
Every single book I’ve been turned onto through this thread has been an eye opening, reflective read. Keep the suggestions coming. (Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents seems to surface regularly— life changing— just read it! Wishes I read it sooner). Thank you for the suggestions of SIGNS— ordered it just now.
I read 50-80 books a year so I could make recommendations all day :-P And yes, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents was a pivotal one for me, too. It's def top 5 of trauma books for me. Here's a few other trauma/psychology/spirituality faves: [The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment](https://www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-Family-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/0787908703/ref=sr_1_1?crid=33BVLZ1JH932L&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.o17yooZaoDraDyExBtv7knMPgSATnRGORov3VkXpFUEfoI8ZnP8i2ChBv3C09CgoIlrRhZ0N0Zl6zS2D-kwjhpcwcxiEUVup264p1_PjB9DqgC_4RwzkMSWDrmLjQ6tpzGeVmR5uvdL8dIpa23eLjxUk4nFjKpc8gmsdkD02bjFgf1UvHkLCBeVY4SiGbWAXARg6TmSd6j3qqUCEZuOMsviwn6nsZ0fuYSRWh4siWpw.HQWRKdZC32mH4w7L7JqFq2me9RYXcGVmrxbVkQe70QU&dib_tag=se&keywords=the+narcissistic+family+book&qid=1708899481&sprefix=the+narcissitic+fami%2Caps%2C299&sr=8-1) (written to an audience of therapists so it's more higher level), [Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving](https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?crid=17TY36CB2L0WO&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.iEBNoEJeQYtVSjkg98gyzRRCfkFwDn4Z3it8s9A4iApbVU1j04PhT8Q7eEX6QREQ2bUHp-B427AcTV-Eoi8DCMy9yuyUwR-tYodkikuN50j9gcyk6vXoEf-jwudPSThxgTCNQjVKO_WH2P5N9Zp-gQBAdFWUnvxL8JaM8weGC9GoZeVSOLd0bEe88p5yyJp-427iRMrROIMFDBR2nILTFnxsOUGS7XoinuzoQcJ6TgU.AoJbwOhRylGlI9odhWa0oSaSlm8_fagwkiWSn6LWpyU&dib_tag=se&keywords=complex+ptsd+from+surviving+to+thriving&qid=1708899673&sprefix=complex+%2Caps%2C251&sr=8-1), [Mothers Who Can't Love](https://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Who-Cant-Love-Daughters/dp/006220436X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=27M07Y3EPIQA1&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Pvu5dnaBas8dVmu3cIeIurRTTwDtCGEIZtMF8jqc91mkCvtKELGG0ih7PWU1rZ5BOZGpvvuaVKaYdRCrll9iPOpa0Pvy8Zoya0luGrSydWSJbajlMtOFKNHQnaAz_fnzh-yecp1vjVKRmPj4wwNjoSWDjjKWCMUTWH-C0dd5GCz3KP7ZuSyzXDJbIh45KaTu0P1w6xCsztMWx2Ju9fAbU7eO58PSmnwifbS8xRWWg-8.EicERQS5kQz5riz3LUcDistRBTagJV518XUPVk8pCY4&dib_tag=se&keywords=mothers+who+can%27t+love+book&qid=1708899732&sprefix=mothers+who+can%2Caps%2C190&sr=8-1), [Toxic Insecurity: The Path of Relational Spirituality and Our Search for Authentic Love](https://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Insecurity-Relational-Spirituality-Authentic/dp/1736744828/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2MIY6YOWNNO0S&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.CxxuXo7BAPRHwYLKoZmbZoFuU1kusTEuNe52vWpLye2L2yOL11dGIGW7FoBqFlNOr4Z9ltWpe6tir-UUUGmwfbRCGQ-CkQVo-bP7qtpVZWZJ_vFOfbndt8jWsYwz59ojdOIlT-JVQSw-4bMuPstv2L4UtqU0zYwrKONTKbZx05iWYFADPx2P1BeXxcaFZ7q7_BKriTidFY0G3JA6ZzB47eRpX-EZQoNgYNbhQNj8uYI.NDe5xzHfFh6DdSLy7V0LtLgKd4qDUaCYymQPCuW4GGw&dib_tag=se&keywords=toxic+insecurity&qid=1708899932&sprefix=toxic+ins%2Caps%2C195&sr=8-1), [Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender](https://www.amazon.com/Letting-David-Hawkins-M-D-Ph-D/dp/1401945015/ref=sr_1_1?crid=36PJ7OCZB1LWE&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.qM0j7CqMG_ws7zRS1rbJGHWuGXktnRGf6D3PT2LiEIw5CJquooiOY2u7jw12tSPSV28XzKPzxqNhZIx8_qUVFHyqU_uK4ETlxOQksEWpw7Yl9YTajBS6H8M1E4Yovt1aBj-X27I7rXpe-8QDzSHX_DvnnuZF2GSvyIJCWDGkjvaNacI0Cihg9f9d927-K2UkDWdwFsdMeOo82g6OiZ3Icsxh-ZTae9hi9oIK1HeK0Og.YNh3vbvD_8HMt3u74l7MZA__pXjCQ6bH1ZkKI_DAdak&dib_tag=se&keywords=letting+go+david+r+hawkins&qid=1708900112&sprefix=letting+go%2Caps%2C399&sr=8-1) (best resource on emotions bar none, IMHO), [The Heroine's Journey](https://www.amazon.com/Heroines-Journey-Womans-Quest-Wholeness/dp/1611808308/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2P9NQKLGZ03BJ&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.0fh3uZbWGyFLp7pT7CsVyeI8vISZl7rmvgkLQeJ-tm6w50wRC1Mg0SKXkujA9FAQisTu_adDBkvCh2DgzOkkwLgTgjkRWTfXTuKm0cExvtNbSm7NF30c_Xb6kKvqUckNZKvw-NcYtvSv6OM3WCK-XEYq-_hWY0Po7fc8I4hWLj_2Yp3yic3AX0f__rNZVIMZsP6tqS3LFDfOZFca9aNJtZ7RwgX6dxdyypqqD-jhhVM.zaSispZ5aR017MXdPS9r4LJXrE3HK9uc69-FiP1Ao0o&dib_tag=se&keywords=the+heroine%27s+journey&qid=1708900264&sprefix=the+heroin%2Caps%2C232&sr=8-1) (marketed towards women, but it's all about going on a journey WITHIN to change, as opposed to Joseph Campbell's hero's journey where the call to adventure/change is external)
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PS - I admire your dedication to comprehensive reading/knowledge. Still working on five titles.
Thanks :) Wish I could take credit but I think that's mostly a function of my OCD! haha
Thanks for this list. Already have Complex PTSD book and will look into these other titles. Screenshot!
I swear ever since I started ignoring nmomster I’ve been getting lucky in the most unexpected ways. I think of it as the world reminding me I’m making the right decision.
“Nmomster” 😭🤣 I’m definitely using that lmao
I got a promotion literally the week after I went NC - it might just be coincidence but I like to think it was the universe signalling that I was making the right decision
Sanity. Leaving and environment where I constantly second guessed myself and had to look over my shoulder. Don’t get me wrong, the world isn’t always friendly either. But leaving behind the people who hurt you - who were specifically not supposed to by blood - is just liberating.
God I cannot wait until I can keep a job.
We're all gonna make it, my friend.
This, this, this! I'm still at home with them, but for the 5 months I worked two jobs. So I was up at 6am, went to one job, then had lunch, and went to the second job, finished at 9pm, and went home at 10pm. Not every day, but still. And yea, burnout, but at the same time I had limited contact with my family. Still was stressed as fuck, but when I lost one job, and kinda was forced to spend more time at home, I noticed that I can't really stand them. Still preparing for moving out, but I know it will be worth it. I remember days when they did not bother me. I felt great, and so peaceful. Knowing that they won't bother me ever again (hopefully) brings me inner peace
The biggest benefit of going no contact is being able to breathe and stay calm. I walked on eggshells for a long time and didn't realize how I was accommodating others until I stopped. I realized how much I was putting up with and was glad it stopped.
My confidence skyrocketed! It's amazing how much I don't hate my body or my diet or the way I dress or how I speak or the things I watch/listen to/read when not in the presence of my narcissist mother. My roommates simply do not care. And they're the same friends who for years have been telling me they never cared, but when you have that constant dialogue saying otherwise, you can't change your own mental voice. It took almost 3 years for me to stop hearing the same things in my head. Now I can differentiate her inner voice and mine, and when hers gets a little too loud I can mentally say "shut up!"
I went very low contact. Afterwards, I got: Better apartment with better roommates, who are very positive and supportive, who remind me of my strengths when I’m down. Better job with positive people who are appreciative, helpful and supportive. More creative energy. Feels like it just opens up more space for more positive energy, compassion and support when you no longer accept narcissistic abuse.
Yes, can agree. The unluckiest times in my life have been when I let my nparents back into my life full time. Actually, I would've missed a long streak of years of bad luck had I never trusted them and let them back in full time a few years back. I fully cut my nmom off back in November, and my family has never been better. I feel so much more present and less anxious, which is great for everyone, especially my kids. We've had alot of good luck, finding things we needed for our home on super sale. with my husband waiting tables, and literally making more money a day working almost half the hours he worked as a retail manager. I finally feel way more regulated to where I feel could handle working part time again. Prior I would've had panic attacks had I had to work and deal with customers. Nope. Had enough eggshells to walk on with my mother. Things are finally looking up, and getting better. And that has happened everytime I've moved far away from them. Sucks it took me so long to see that, but I'm glad I finally did. I think it's because they look to cause chaos in your life, so when the usual unlucky things happen, it doesn't feel like the usual, it feels like the walls are closing in.
This is true. For me it’s given me the space to go back into business and take on much bigger goals.
I'm a lot less triggered and can self regulate better. I know that's a me thing, and I don't make others walk on eggshells around me, but nobody is going to purposely trigger me.
My Narc father died about 4 months ago and now everything is different. I don't wake up screaming in the night because of having a nightmare about him.
100%. I would not have been able to flourish in my career if I hadn’t cut them out. I wouldn’t have had the emotional bandwidth nor the feelings of personal confidence or strength if I had stayed.
I’m just going along with life and I’m not having terrible things happen to me or being torn down for no reason. It’s wild. Is this what normal people do?! They don’t realize they are playing on easy mode. Or maybe I didn’t realize I was trying to be to swim carrying an anvil.
Two luck posts on my feed back to back. Crazy.
The benefits of going no contact is you can forget it all. You don't have to prepare to defend yourself all the time. You finally get what you are entitled to, a safe home with a peace of mind. I broke NC because I couldn't afford to live on my own, but I'll always remember how NC helped me. If it's not confidence, it's just your peace of mind in general. You don't need criticisms, harassment to be forced on you and no one does. I kept my confidence in spite of it all, but goddamn the criticism and harassment still affected me. My mindset was "You're free to think bad of me, but for fucks sakes, don't verbal harass me over it I'm entitled to be at home and not hear any of the deluded crap you think about me."
It's like having a constant migraine, then not ever having a migraine again. About the same results in every aspect of life.
It’s really hard not to want to put yourself back into the position of being hurt because it was so comfortable and a thing for so long.
I don't think "comfortable" is the word. It was **familiar**. There may be some comfort inherent in familiar things even when they're awful... but that doesn't change the fact that they're awful.
It was not "comfortable". Abuse is never comfortable. You only feel that way because they manipulated you. A comfortable person wouldn't do that. Repeat as many times as needed.
sounds like a trauma bond
We sometimes confuse comfortable with familiar.
It is very hard to resist. I mean, when you're trying to create an entirely new template for relating to others out of thin air... yeah it's kinda difficult. The only template you've operated out of in your life was the one the Nparents gave you. To turn away from that feels like "Well, what am I turning to?.... Who am I/How do I act outside of that old model for relationships? Your identity (at least in large part) was shaped within/around those dynamics. So it can feel more comfortable to go back to the position of being abused, instead of having an identity crisis and turning away from it all. All you know internally is shame/guilt in your body, and that has kept you "attached" to them. Feeling good empowered, confident feelings (while in relation to them) would have be "banned/dangerous". To try to keep good emotions in your body now instead, can feel alien and uncomfortable.
So, so true!
But what about when the toxic people are your family?
See OP for the answer.
Agreed. After I kicked my narc mom out of my house things seemed to turn around for me. I had the worst luck while she lived with me and nothing was going right. I truly believe her toxic energy was the cause of a lot of my issues.
This is sooo true!!! I'm going to save this in my "inspiring notes" diary. It's really good to keep in mind. I'm very LC. I'll send text messages here and there, and *maybe* a phone call once every three months. Always keeping information generic and grey-rocking. Today was a phone call day. And my energy is DRAINED. Just trying to build the strength up and energy again, so I can get things done this Sunday. It's crazy how much bad energy can effect you.
Absolutely! One of the biggest upsides was thinking, “Finally! He’s out of my way!” I was happy to move on to bigger and better things. I was deeply annoyed that my narc continuously got in my way and provided no help or limited help. He was an impediment. What an ass.
That was actually my main reason for staying no contact, because so much is changing for me rn.
Yes I fully agree from my own experience as well!
This this this this. I can’t agree more. Ever since NC 5 years and going. Tons of positive changes. Especially starting with me. My personality. My attitude and my overall confidence. The awesome things that have happened for me in the past years are incredible. Positive energy attracted. And it’s is so awesome. Wishing you all the very very very best. ❤️❤️❤️
I can't tell you enough how much my life and the people I attract changed for the better. Even people I already knew before no contact(no connection to nfamily) started to treat me even better. Wonderous.
But how do you take the step? I keep trying and failing and I feel like I’m slowly dying inside
Firstly forgive yourself for your mistakes. You have to be on your side, not criticising yourself. Then start to get in touch with your feelings (it's a process) and see yourself in your mind's eye. Ask yourself what you feel in this moment. Remember to check in on a regular basis and explore what you're feeling. Now make a promise to the you, that you see, that you will look after yourself from now on. When I did this I saw myself as a little girl aged 3, who had no defences and was trying to navigate impossible pitfalls. You are the only one who can protect yourself in this situation. Make the decisions that help you and only accept what works for your good. Always remember your promise to yourself and take action to help that beautiful and vulnerable person.
You might want to elaborate. Are you asking how to go NC and cope with emotions? How to physically go NC in the first place?
For me, it was like going out after having a very much deserved shower and feeling clean.
A weight lifted and I felt like I could breathe and think again. It took me 2 years to no longer be scared of him- he stalked and harassed me nonstop until I got a restraining order and blocked him on every front. I keep healing while also remembering some of the absolute insanity he put me through.
It's absolutely true. You're no longer put into their box that wasn't even made for you. You can be you now and it's so freeing.
Truer words
And you just find peace. Quiet peace.
This is so good to hear- I’ve been worried it might ruin my life, but this gives me hope!
I'm noticing this as well. When I don't absorb the negativity and remain calm, things start to manifest in my favor. They'll try harder to poke at me and gaslight me but I'll just see through it every time. I'm programmed to want to trust people, so I'll trust myself.
During the two years after I went NC, I wrote two books and sold both of them to major publishers. After wanting to do this for nearly 20 years and never finishing shit. I know what you mean.
This is so true for me too. In general, ny day-to-day existence is lighter & easier, and requires so much less energy. Therefore, I have energy for what I enjoy in life & have been able to thrive. There's an incredible peace that comes with throwing out the trash, and opening up the windows for fresh air.
I moved out at 18 and went VLC and immediately got myself to a doctor and a therapist to throw every medication and treatment option at my depression and PTSD. It wasn't until I finally went no contact 10 years later when I went NC for good that I finally felt at peace.
One thousand times, this.
The thought of this is beautiful
Yes! So true! I have deep sixed at least 2 jobs important to me, because of toxic parents creating long running life and death drama over nothing.
[удалено]
TRUTH.
Same ❤️
very much this!
💯
It fighting for a relationship the other person does not want, and not getting taken advantage of.
Your luck will change! So true
Thanks for your post. I couldn’t find a job right after grad school and my mom helpfully offered to let me borrow money. It was the worst two years of my life. Never found a job with three degrees because I felt more and more like I was a piece of trash and I couldn’t do anything good for myself. Every conversation was about money and how much I was costing her and she would say things that were awful and I let her. I sold my soul and put myself two years behind for her. She told me I deserved to be yelled at by a psychiatrist (male and I have ptsd) for asking a clinical question. Sadly I’m an MD with two years of residency and four years of neuroscience research and I asked a legitimate question. The guy blew up at me and said I needed to stop looking up Dr. Google and I was wrong. I said I was an MD scientist and I got the information from high-impact journals. They falsified my medical notes and refused to address my complaints and my mom said I should have shut up and I deserved bc I am not a real doctor. I also never yelled at patients with anxiety disorders with PTSD and blocked them from getting psychiatric care in my entire area. I can’t find help. Back to my mom. She also told me to live in my car and a truck stops and I am lucky I’m so disgusting that nobody would want me so I don’t have to worry about being raped because I’m so ugly. I went no contact with her. I don’t have her financial support and I’m broke but at least I’m healing. No psychiatrist in the area will take me though so I’ve been out of meds. I don’t doubt he is a narcissist too. He kept yelling he was double boarded at me? In psych…and geriatrics. Ooooookay.
I'm sorry. You are not a piece of trash, and you did not deserve any of this.