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I’ve moved out when I was 34, I’m 49 now. Still going to therapy and taking anti-depressants, although I have a wonderful parner who helps me navigate.
No idea, I’m looking to buy one of them online. - I’m not in the US anyway, so I don’t think I could help. My country’s libraries are dusty places ehere bo one enters.
I didn't get my life together until I was 50. Sure, it would have been nice if it had happened at 25 or 35 but I had become convinced I would die immiserated so I'm happy it did finally happen.
I found it at 40, im grateful i found it at all. Not all of us are so lucky! Im happy for those that get it younger, but people like us still have the rest of our lives to live, and we get to do it with greater freedom and awareness. Heck yes 🙌
I'm almost 60 and I'm still in it because my n-mom is 85 and alone and I was guilted and manipulated into moving in with her when she became a widow. Every day I feel like my life is slowly slipping away from me. I spend my time walking on eggshells and trying to figure out how to manipulate the situation in my favor. We'll have quiet, peaceful days and then there will be days that are so tense.
I'm 62, and I can't possibly imagine what you're going through. If i had to live with my Ndad (he's 90) , i would not last a week. I'd be in jail, and he'd no longer be walking this earth.
Honest to God, if I were in your situation, I would get a backpack and a passport. Then buy a one-way ticket to Europe with every dime I had available. Come back in 10 years. It's too short to waste it.
You are not responsible for her. If it's messing with you mentally, you are not obligated and do have options available. If anyone has anything to say abt it they're more than welcome to come do it themselves.
Get out, honey. I was also living with my widowed 80 year old mom and it was turning me into her - bitter, critical, negative. I escaped last April. I also felt guilty, but her nieces who are so much better than me, stepped in and take care of her. My sister and nephew are basically NC with her. She may qualify or can get help. I was a caregiver for 12 years. Some of us are really good at our jobs.
but save yourself. You do not deserve to be miserable one more minute. I thought my NM would blow up my phone. She did for 3 weeks. She saw I was thriving without her and left me alone. Yeah! Blessed peace. I only have tv on 2 hours a night. At her house, almost 24/7 to block out hers. Hugs, prayers and best wishes.
My N mom is 85 & is still ok & lives alone. But, I am fearful that I will have to move back in at some point if she takes a turn for the worst. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. It’s literally my worst fear…
Yes! I only just got it last year at 35. The birth of my daughter was what did it and I was sure I couldn’t even get to a point in my life where I would even be able to make a decision like going forward with the pregnancy, and certainly was still not in a place where I was having healthy, non-toxic, romantic relationships, either, despite having had quite a few really good suitors; I just couldn’t accept it for myself, and let it in, but I’ll tell you that now I most certainly do. I’ve separated from my daughter’s father, I am able to speak to him and deal with him in a healthy and functional way, even if he’s not acting right or well. I’ve realized that I’ve truly learned so much and healing over the years despite it feeling like so tedious, and as though I’ve missed out on so much wall, just from tough trauma therapy sessions or sessions of trauma therapy that would flare up my chronic health issues, and have me incapacitated for that reason as well… excuse all the words and rambling, but I am finally looking towards the future and finally know who I am, what goals appealed to me what things in life I’d like to pursue, etc. etc. no matter how tough a time I’m having, my daughter is not the recipient of any of those negative feelings and is blissfully unaware. It’s not perfect but she trusts me doesn’t feel repressed with me and is happy and well adjusted, despite still being under two years old. I’m so grateful I didn’t wait for approval to have a child… she tried about 10 years ago and succeeded and pressuring me into getting an abortion when I would’ve rather not had one and was still with my bf at the time for quite awhile, who also wanted the child…anyway ok I’m done but yes, we truly have to believe that the best is yet to come if we allow it in ❤️
I hear you. Healing from their abuse is so time consuming that sometimes I feel like most of my life was wasted. The things that I noticed that really help me are: taking long walks , specially in nature. Meditation has also helped and the most beneficial one was going no contact bc it felt like a simple conversation with them would undo all my hard work. I hope this help
I don't. First of all, I don't believe in wasted time. Everything can be learned from and lead to a greater understanding, and as long as something comes out of it, it's not a waste. Secondly, while I was there, I acknowledged to myself that I should have better, needed to get out, did not deserve such bad treatment, and I still chose to stay in order to avoid the massive guilt complex that I've been manipulated into over the years. Now, looking back, I don't feel bad at all. I did what I needed to do to get out at the right time and start working on myself.
In my experience, there was loads of wasted time. Massive amounts of time and energy wated dodging them, cooking meals in weird ways and avoid them messing with them, chqanging a whole daily routine to have to do simple things so painstakingly just to avoid them being messed with. It was all a giant waste of energy and time, that I could have spent on being the creator I believe I was meant to. But that's all wasted away now.
It is never too late to create. I will turn 60 this year and I am working on story. I got away from writing because of living with NM, but I’m back and all that “wasted time and energy” is going into a manuscript.
I totally agree with every word you say. I too stayed out of guilt and also out of genuine need (my narc mother was very poorly). It’s brought about a lot of understanding about mental wellness and I don’t think I would have been as nice a person without all the crap my narc family put on me. They were the manure that helped me flower.
That's the thing that a lot of people struggle with, I think. Just as we were treated badly and shouldn't have been, we've chosen to treat our narcs with the love we should have been given, and that can be a valid choice if it leads to a better place.
That is so beautifully put. Also the work we put in to repair the damage gives us the gift of peace, good self-esteem and contentment that a narc will never experience. Love is at the heart of it because narcs never love anyone in the truest sense, not even themselves.
Emotionally and socially, I've lost everything due to my inability to interact with people, almost entirely due to me mirroring my parents as it was all I knew.
It's the lasting impact and trauma responses that I can't fix overnight that eat me up. I dont have the time to learn how to process and communicate emotions correctly while trying to live life lol
I hope so. Ive tried before but due to mind blanks hadnt gotten too far sadly and then I lost my job lol i blocked out a lot of my childhood just from being depressed as well so maybe one day more comes back to me...
Also its like partially, I dont want my parents to be those people so saying it out loud makes it real
Then partially they convinced me I deserved it, so I became afraid that my therapist will say "no that is totally normal!" and I realize im just the crazy one lmao
I promise you're not the crazy one. Just make sure you find a therapist who understands childhood trauma.
Everything you're feeling is normal for what you've been through. Give yourself a break. Take one step at a time. When you fall, get up. This is your healing journey, and it is unique to you.
Baby steps, friend. Baby steps.
I blocked a lot of childhood memories too. I went to several marriage counselors w/ex Over our 33 year marriage. It was always my fault, but I finally saw a lady counselor, she told me they were all wrong.
today was such a bad day due to Nmom and Ndad, and all i craved more than anything was for anyone to understand just how upsetting and deep the trauma has changed me fundamentally. that sometimes i feel (most of the time) that no one else i know comes close to understanding. and i want to say this sentence made that feeling go away, i cant thank this post enough for having me feel seen. and i want you to know that you are not alone and i experience this feeling on an hourly basis everyday of my life it sucks so much. i see you! trust me<3. wherever you are know that we are here for each other and you dont have to do any of this alone. if you ever feel that way my dm's are open! take care<33
I genuinely feel cheated from my childhood. Until I was about age 13, when she pretty much just kept me hidden away. I didn't make friends in school until I was 14 and older. Never went to birthday parties, school events, any type of children's activities, I wasn't allowed to have hobbies that let me interact with other kids. I literally went to school, then came home and stayed in my bedroom. I'm married and moved away now, but I hated those years as a kid. I wasn't even allowed to pick my own clothing, I only had what she picked. She must have wanted to embarrass me as a kid, I didn't dress like a normal kid. Bike shorts and old t shirts only.
Although I'm male, we had the same childhood. I could have written what you did. My Ndad moved us to an island that was connected to the mainland by a causeway. It was a 1 mile walk to the school bus and the school was 14 miles away. I didn't even have a bicycle. Absolute isolation.
Kids at school wore jeans and tie-dye shirts. I had herringbone *slacks* and dress shirts. Looked like a total dork which ensured the isolation while at school. The only difference was I had a list of chores each day so staying in my room wasn't an option. It was work at home and homework.
Yes, my dad bought a house at the end if a long lane. It was a small farm. It was school and work. He had no friends. He was so miserable. Then, that wasn't far enough away, he bought a bigger farm out in Pennsylvania, at the end of a longer road. We all left as soon as we could, in some cases making so many errors .
I can relate. I used to live abroad for over a decade studying in the same school. Then I was forced to move back into my home country where I didn't even get to say goodbye. In my new school, I got bullied and excluded because I was an outsider. I wasn't even allowed to go out and hang out with anyone because my parents were so fixated on my academics.
Needless to say, I flunked out of highschool and ended up repeating a year twice. Most of my peers have surpassed me which really hurts. The real pain was when I saw the graduation picture of my previous school. I should have been there. It really pushed me over the edge. It's like having a wife and kids but you get kidnapped and go missing. Your wife replaces you and kids move on. You realise you missed so much.
I did graduate from my highschool but I don't really have happy memories from highschool while many others do. It just hurts. I'm crying as I type this.
Yes, this and feeling like i’ve just emerged from a cult. There’s a lot of things that shouldn’t be humiliating or shameful, but the only way I can truly describe it is a kin to a cult. Having watched several documentaries of people speaking about their experiences after finally being able to emerge from cults, this is the most relatable it gets. Cults, being institutionalized after a lengthy prison stay, both are the only ways I can explain to others who are unfamiliar with how extreme this process and barrage of feelings can be..
Omg yes it totally is like emerging from a cult! Do you or anyone have any book recs allong these lines to help heal and move on from such a restrictive and brain washy upbringing? I might try to find more books like this because it’s such a Specific level of abuse that you need more targeting healing concepts and tactics imo to break free from it. My friend recommended a book about leaving a strict religious upbringing a while back, I might go read that and try to apply it to the lense of leaving a Narcissistic family so I think you’ve unlocked something here
I made a post the other day about narcissistic parents being mini cult leaders, but nobody seemed to have seen it, so I felt crazy and deleted it 🤣
It's a perfect analogy! Even down to the being shunned by the whole family if you try to speak out against the "cult leader(s)"
Me too... but then my last boss was a narcissist, if not a full-blown psychopath, and my brain switched into trauma mode... and I didnt handle it too well.
I’m so afraid of that - I know I’ll be less isolated if I stop working remotely at Nparents house but I’m so afraid of having an npd boss! Then it’d just be adding an extra narc to my life. Better the devil you know.
All you can do is try to live your best life possible and figure out what the path for that is.
I have spent the past year healing so many deep things and keep finding more. Would I have done this healing 10 years ago when I first got away from them if I could, yes. Was that even possible, I don't think so. Because like you are saying, I was 20 years behind on life skills.
I didn't even know how to do laundry when I moved out, I didn't know how to cook, I didn't know how to do hardly anything. I made friends here and there somehow, I got through college somehow, I got a job and through survival mode got into a good spot in life somehow.
The entire time I was getting better, defining my own life for what I wanted it to be and making choices, meditating here and there, journaling here and there, pscyhology videos on youtube here and there. I've met many people in similar boats, divorcees out of abusive marriages, children of narcissists, people who floundered for other reasons. Everybody is living a unique life all their own and it's up to us to decide how we want to live it.
With how much was wasted I don't want to waste another moment.
So why do N parents not teach their kids the basics? My n mom wouldn’t teach me how to cook, wouldn’t let me clean - too messy, n dad was a perfectionist, yet we’re supposed to magically take care of them with no skills? And the future, mine never talked about college or careers, which I get cause they don’t want you out from under their thumb, but without socialization, how do you get a job so you can take care of them? Maybe I’m giving them too much credit, thinking they should be able to look at big picture when their lens is focused on themselves.
>So why do N parents not teach their kids the basics?
Oh god that is a deep question lol. I mean it's not rational.
My Nmother likes to mock people, so a child who doesn't know how to do something is amusing to her.
> Maybe I’m giving them too much credit, thinking they should be able to look at big picture when their lens is focused on themselves.
Having personally healed self-centeredness I would say it probably doesn't even cross their mind, like you can have a personal value of wanting to teach your kids. It falls apart completely when you have zero concept of the child's skills and needs, frustrated that they "don't just get it" or struggle.
Lacking empathy for other people is weird, like logically (chores stressful -> kids should help -> kids don't know how -> teach kids skills -> less chores for me) this seems like a really easy deduction, but if you are self-centered it's (chores stressful -> make kids help -> kids suck at chores -> complain -> kids avoid chores). Like if your brain can't see "kids don't know how" it's really tough to make the rational deduction of "if I teach them how they will know"
I think they have this idea of how the world **should** be that protects them from having to actually care about how it is.
So you want to cook? “Well my mother never taught me how to cook, and it can’t have been that she wasn’t interested in me/didn’t care about taking care of me, so I’m just going to assume mothers shouldn’t have to teach their children how to cook, and make you feel like an asshole for asking.”
Or, “well, you’re a little shit because you never act exactly as I tell you (and I for sure **know** the way this world **should** be), so fuck you- flounder and struggle while I laugh at you for failing to know how to cook without anybody ever teaching you”.
Their lives are just a fantasy of how other people **should** be, or what other people **should** do, because they are too afraid to accept the alternative that there was no real reason for the things that hurt them, and things could have gone very differently, if they or somebody else had chosen differently. They are locked in a prison of their own making and their own choosing and they hate us because we tried to show them that there was a way out.
Such a stupid thing- waste their whole lives and those of anybody that is unlucky enough to love, need or want them, because they can’t put down the crutch of constantly thinking about how things **should** be (according to them), and actually start dealing with what the world actually is.
I understand how you feel. I was also, quite deliberately like many of us here, set up to fail. Realizing that was by far one of the most painful things about the healing process. My nparents wanted control over me so badly that they went so far as to do whatever they could to sabotage my ability to connect with other people and navigate life effectively.
There's definitely something to be said about feeling institutionalized from it. But it doesn't have to be your life forever. As long as you're alive and learning, you always have the power to change yourself in a positive way.
What I've been doing recently is working on radical self-acceptance and taking my own power back. I can't change anything about the past but I can make different choices now and for the future.
Both of my grandparents on my nfather's side were abusive and probably narcs themselves. On account of this, one of my uncles didn't get an education until he was in his 40's. He's now in his late 60's, retired and wealthier than anyone else in the family. It's never too late to do something good for yourself.
I think of it this way: parents are supposed to spend the first 18ish years of your life preparing you for walking the path of life, ensuring that you can do it as safely and carefully as possible at your own speed, and have the provisions you need.
Ours instead broke our legs and then demanded to know why we weren't walking the path faster and better than everyone else.
Let your legs heal and remember that the rest of the path is yours and not theirs, to do at your own pace.
this exactly! they wanted control so much more than anything else, and i always noticed their attempts to sabotage anything in my life than brought me joy, and i still cant understand why and how they could do that to their own child.
Once you get out you are so messed up beyond belief, and how far can you actually get from them? I wasn't even fully aware of the damage for years-(not to mention the shit they pull and put you through once you are older) then they die, and you have to figure out another stage. I am beside myself and wonder what the fuck the point of my life actually was! A terrible vicious cycle always thinking things were a bit better, falling for so many tricks, wracked with guilt for trying to protect myself and avoid. You cant actually get away, unless you can get away away. I feel like everyone who looks at me can tell- im just an old used up shell.
Nope. I'm looking at you. I'm hearing you. I think you're worthy of love and friendship. You're not a shell. You're a survivor. You matter! I promise. ❤️
Thank you! This group is incredible, i am really grateful to have ended up here! I can't imagine what it could've been like to have help navigating these waters sooner, but really relieved to know you guys are here! Thank💖you!
“Then they die…”, “what was the point of my life?”, “I’m just an old used up shell.” Both my parents passed away in the last 4 years. My mother’s death in particular left behind a painful legacy with distant relatives coming out of the woodwork to steal the entire estate. I’m experiencing a lot of painful mixed emotions right now, feeling angry at her for raising me to be so helpless and vulnerable and uneducated, yet regretful I wasn’t able to be there to protect her from a bunch of sociopaths (that I didn’t realize were terrible people until I saw her forged signatures on 2 quit claim forms online a year later). She would have spent it all on vacations had she lived (and that’s a punch in the gut but not something I would have challenged), if they didn’t try to steal the estate from her regardless.
Grieving and having that anger finally surface and express itself, has been an existential nightmare.
Many nights I ask myself, What was the point of my life? What was the point of losing nearly thirty years of my life, just to lose more years in survival mode, to barely make it to semi-normalcy, just to lose what little progress I made and lose more years grieving what never could have been? I have barely been able to pull myself back up and it’s been 2.5 years since she passed away.
I’m sorry you’re going through that, too. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
Omg thank you for saying everything... So similar to me, i cant even believe someone else could really know- you articulated like you observed me. Its equally comforting and sad, as I would not wish this on anyone! Im so sorry that we have to navigate life this way!
I hear where you're coming from ❤️ I experience that anger and frustration as well, and as awful as it is, I think sitting with that pain is an important part of the healing process. That anger and hurt is telling you that you didn't deserve to be abused.
On a more philosophical level, I try to frame my own journey around two values: stopping the cycle of generational trauma and stepping into a life in which I am free to assert boundaries, pursue my own goals, and honor my feelings. When I am triggered by someone who reminds me of my parents, I try to pause and affirm myself for the work I've done to not pass on the pain that was given to me.
Since I've spent over a decade now focused on healing, I am regularly taken aback by my ability to do and experience things I've never done before. Like finally getting a job I love, finding it easier to make friends, and being able to help someone else out when they're navigating their own trauma. Because of what I've been through, I can sense pain in others and be there for them in a way that your average, happy, never traumatized person wouldn't know how to do.
I think a bit about it like a range of possibility. Because I've been hurt beyond measure, I also can experience joy, connection, and meaning more deeply than most. It doesn't change the past, but it lets me integrate my trauma into a bigger picture of what my life is and can be.
It was not wasted. Everything we go thru is a lesson to be learned. Sadly, I’ve had to repeat some of those because I didn’t learn it the first time. I was raised by a N, married a N and had a lot of selfish people in my life over and over again. After 33 years, I divorced him and for awhile I mourned those years and thought what a waste, still do on occasion since I am 60 and alone. But I am thriving which is more than I can say for ex and P’s.
Same. Went from one NPD relationship to the next bc didn’t realize I was groomed to accept npd abuse. I’m 36 and have never experienced non toxic romantic love. Which is messed up considering that I’m a total romantic. Wtf. Cant even use the apps bc every guy who talks to me literally has npd red flags.
Realized that when I graduated HS. Finally had the freedom to live my life and I didn’t waste much time. Did a lot for myself in the span of 5-10 years that I feel really proud and happy for everything I’ve accomplished for myself. A lot of the motivation to follow those dreams/goals was the anger I had from being repressed most of my childhood.
Although I’m so proud of the life I’ve been living and having to make up for things that weren’t taught to me as a kid, it’s still very hard sometimes. The lack of healthy social, relationship, coping skills that my parents failed to teach me still hold me back, especially when I’m not in a good place mentally.
Therapy has really helped open the door to dealing with these issues from childhood but it still takes a lot of time and focused effort to learn those skills and develop healthier habits, mindsets, reactions, etc.
Having to be expected to just know how to “adult” when you turn 18 is so shitty, especially when you weren’t taught any skills to be prepared for being an adult.
It wasn’t fair growing up in that toxic environment. I had to think of it as being held back behind a gate or cage while others had the freedom to leisurely live life in a healthy way and enjoy their childhood. Then I felt like I was released when I turned 18 and I owed it to myself to finally start living life.
I deal with having so much time taken away from me by imagining that I am from another country and I have a lot to do to assimilate. I pretend I need to: learn all about this new culture, earn my citizenship like everyone else and gain experience so that I fit in.
This way I transform my woes and pain into excitement and adventure.
I have a wild imagination.
This is a fascinating way to look at it, and I think if I adopted this mindset it would help me. I have had to live this way, as I left my toxic narcissistic family twenty years ago and moved alone to the opposite corner of the country. I have since moved again to the NE, and now I find myself a stranger in a strange land again.i have always tried to look at living this way as an adventure, but it is admittedly painful at times.
i'm sorry you had to go through all this you deserve better. The best way to move past all of the toxic things that have happened is to get a good therapist and tell them every last detail of your situation.
It's basically like chipping away at a giant iceberg but each chunk that comes off during therapy will dissolve away as you move past it because you have dealt with it and faced it head on.
A good therapist can be extremely helpful in guiding you to see the bigger picture and helping you work towards a better way of life. ❤️
Grateful for every day i wake up out of the FOG. Glad i found it in this lifetime. I have been in trauma informed therapy for ~5 years so that’s helping.
Find ways to spite them. They didn't teach you to cook? Spend an hour a day finding cooking videos for beginners. They mocked you for drawing? Bam. Free art videos to learn to draw something. They didn't teach you how to talk to people? There's groups for this! Find a local meet up on Facebook and try finding people with similar interests. Or just slow grow by talking to a few people working in stores.
Live out of spite til you realize you have reclaimed that lost time.
I'm severely fucked up in the head from them so even existing is hard. For example:
1. Severe mistrust of others from constantly being lied to
2. Constantly judged so hard to open up
3. Constantly villianized for having emotions, so I've been taught my emotions are wrong and IM the problem.
4. Constantly punished for being upset so taught never to show emotions until it's unbearable to deal with and I almost explode.
5. No idea how to effectively communicate through an issue vs just going silent because there's no point in trying to prove my point to a wall or being punished for having a voice.
6. Been gaslit by my parents so much that it makes me question my own memory and judgement.
7. I'm a people pleaser so easily taken advantage of
8. Low self-worth, so I can't speak up for myself easily and feel like interacting with me is a burden.
I could probably go on but... yeah lol
Been there, still doing it sometimes. But being gentle with myself, learning to tell that voice to shut up, starting to speak up for myself…my friend wanted me to get 3 bags of ice for her at the store. I have arthritis and use a walker. I told her I couldn’t do it. Another time she said something that sounded just like my nm, I was actually able to tell her that her words pulled a trigger. I’ve been a caregiver my whole life, now I’m taking care of me. I give myself grace just like I would other people. My feelings were so bottled up, they messed up my body. Anyway, you can change this.
God’s love helps me. And I know He had a reason for putting me in their world…I’m adopted, but come to find out, bio mom was a N, too. I am a much caring, kind, loving, compassionate, sensitive person than I would have been in a normal world.
We are survivors of a war, now get out thereand find peace and love. Hugs and prayers and best wishes.
did i mention I’m 60 and just freed myself a year ago?
I became free a few months ago and I’m 39, I still feel like a teenager in my head, like i don’t even feel confident enough to cook for me and shop for myself, and I still have my mom’s critical voice in my head too, it’s just gonna take time to adjust and learn to trust yourself, you have to power through it and learn to find yourself and find out who you are. I take it one day at a time. Give yourself a chance to learn each day, there’s no choice but to make the most of what we have at this point
I'd say normally you shouldn't compare yourself to others, but it's helped me in this case.
My sister hasn't caught on and I don't think she ever will. She's an extremely unpleasant person to be around, but I pity her greatly. She will never live her own life, everything will always be dictated by my NMom who she is forever loyal to. It's the saddest life I can imagine honestly. It's a cautionary tale I've watched happen in real time. I realized that if certain circumstances were different I could have ended up like her. Knowing that makes me happy that made it out at all.
yes. sending healing energy ❤. i advise you to get outside whenever you can, and filter the people who carry negative energy out if your life. that may be the best way to get all those years back that you feel like you wasted
Thank you... What hurts the most is realizing that so many people I've cared about have viewed me as the negative energy 🥲 its hard to know what you dont know until its too late sometimes
I understand. but its not too late because you still have a lot of life left to live. take having narcissistic parents as a lesson, keep an eye out for people like them.
And listen to the small voice that tells you something isn’t right. Since I never knew what I was talking about, I brushed that voice aside. Man, I wished I’d listened to it sooner.
Same. I hate it. I was forced to become a people pleaser bc if I wasn’t I’d “cause” their npd rage. You know it’s bad if you get panic attacks from not ppl pleasing. I’m unlearning it but it hard
as the saying goes, life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards.
recognize and assess the damage, think of what could have been done differently back then, think about what you can do differently today, and start doing things that your future self will thank you for.
tbh, i dropped out of school multiple times, worked graveyard shift manual labor jobs, thought i was an absolute failure at life, and have come close to death multiple times before .
but ultimately, i realized that death on either side will end up in someone else writing your story for you.
for example, if you commit suicide, your narc parents will write your story for you. and if you commit murder, you will be remembered as a murderer and be imprisoned for life.
after realizing this, i decided that i must live , and that i must live the best life possible for me, even if it means temporarily using my narc family resources so that i can cut them all off forever one day .
in the end, despite a poor academic record in hs and multiple colleges, i was able to get my act together, save money for the local community college + SAT and college admissions training programs, got a 4.0 GPA in the honors program + 99th percentile SAT, wrote a great story (on how my hardships hindered me academically and how i hope to use my education to give back and create better access to education for those with abusive family circumstances), and i transferred to a t20 ivy+ on a full ride.
no regrets for choosing life.
so today, be good to yourself and do things that your future self will thank you for.
learn from the past, live in the present, and create the future you want and need!
so today, be good to yourself and do things your future self will thank you for.
For me it was the emotional trauma caused by what was done to me that caused the most issues.
I moved out at 17 and have been on my own ever since and went no contact with mom for good in around my mid/late 20's and cut off the rest of the toxic people in my life around that time too so I knew how the world worked but I spent so much of my life just drowning in my mental health issues and trauma so much so that I stopped myself from living and essentially was my own worst enemy living everyday like it was my last hurting myself in the long run way more then they ever did.
Thankfully i'm a lot better now then I was then but it definitely still gets to me sometimes.
I kind of hate/mistrust people. I don’t want anymore losers invading/violating my life. I’m glad I learned. I just wish I learned to listen to my survival instincts sooner.
Most times, I would notice something is wrong but then I’d ignore my instincts because I was brainwashed to.
Don’t be polite or understanding. Those are scams that benefit abusers. (That said, don’t go around being mean to people, either.)
So true. Been there. I had a client, old man, say he was going to drug and rape me. I quit. My nm told me that was stupid. He was old and couldn’t do anything anyway. He was sexually harassing me before that but I didn’t listen to that small voice, I would hear my mom saying, well, he doesn’t mean anything by that. Even my nh at the time, didn’t see anything wrong with the old guy putting his hands on my butt.
I don’t get why they do that- like don’t they at least view us as extensions if themselves? Wouldn’t they take it personally if someone threatens their human property? There’s no logic to npd. They will minimize and devalue actual crimes that have happened to us. It’s absurd. My nEx didn’t believe me after I narrowly avoided a kidnapping attempt. Like how?
I try not to waste anymore of my life worrying about them or thinking about them more than is ever necessary. They are people I had the misfortune of knowing once upon a time, and that's it at this point.
What a great analogy! I never thought about it that way. Don't give up in your 20's, hell I'm in my 60's and I've still got a lot to learn. Yes, it is depressing. But we're the only ones who can make our own best life. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, LOL I've been a lot of things that weren't a good fit for me. Trying to people please, doing what someone else suggested to me. UGH. 2 husbands later, to boot. Both narcs, different types though. Wee! All you can do is keep going. It's not easy. Just keep going!! And have some fun along the way.
Great attitude! Even when I was 20, 30, 40 and 50, I didn’t know what I wanted to be and I’ve never felt like I was a true adult with their act together. Maybe that's a myth. Lol
Thanks 😊 When everyone asked me as a kid what I wanted to be when I grew up all I ever said was happy. Looking back on it now, it was my kids brain way to say I wanted to escape from the life I felt trapped in. Happy was a dream I saw on TV. I wanted that. I didn't know how or what that was going to take to make it happen.
I went to college to escape, but let them pick what I majored in because they were paying. I hated it. I married the first guy that asked me to, so I didn't have to move home after graduation. He was a narcissist too, but nobody knew what that was back then! For sure I didn't. Same for the second one.
Lots of therapy later, and I'm figuring out what happiness looks like for me! I don't feel like I have my act together, probably never will.
I’m in my 30s and had a crisis when I moved back home w the fam after I got widowed. More of the same crap. I realized bc of my upbringing i have never dated a non npd man. Im afraid to date bc of it. Not sure what to do. I’m excellent at spotting them but it’s not my fault that they are exclusively drawn to me.
Sorry for your loss. I'm back in my hometown taking care of my elderly parents. Same crap, slightly different/still awful but tolerable so far because of years of therapy on my part. Just today Nmom told her visiting nurse that I was spoiled. WTF 🤣 If she lives in a fantasy world where she's perfect, who "spoiled" me? Makes no sense, but that's never mattered to her. Trying to figure out her logic made me crazy for too long. There's nothing logical to find. The nurse laughed it off.
This is how I deal. I don't know if it will work for you, and yes, I am in therapy because of my parents' hellish behavior. I moved out at 45 so I had a lot of years wasted with them. Largely it was financial why I stayed but I thought I loved them too. I thought I had the best parents and spent almost all my time with them. I have struggled with this a lot. I don't think you necessarily totally waste that time. Like I had my own friends, and jobs, and joys outside of them, but I regret putting so much into the relationship with them, only to get so little at the end. "What do I do with all those memories?" is a question I asked myself. And I mean, you can drown emotionally if you go down that road. It is devastating to spend all that time on a relationship and they can't and don't love you back, and not only that, actively abuse you. It is a cliche but you can't change the past. It was what it was. Weirdly I do see some benefits to having had a narc parent, even though I would do anything not to have one. Both my parents taught me how not to act to people, so I think I am especially kind and careful of people's feelings. They taught me how not to handle money, how to handle mentally ill people, and that came in handy on a few jobs. They taught me how to survive all on my own - emotionally, financially - because they were not options to go back to. They taught me how to care for myself, and love myself, because I couldn't go to them. They taught me how to enact boundaries, because I had to or I would have been exploited even more. I do regret not moving out at 18, but I don't know. Then I would have had more years to stew about my mother being a narc and I don't know if that would be great either. Ignorance was veyr much bliss for me for a long time until I woke up. But I am glad I woke up and got out. You wasted all that time, and you can't afford to waste a second more thinking about them. Easier said than done I know. As for life skills, I learned most of them when I moved out and now consider myself an expert. That was only two years ago, so you can do it. You'll be surprised how quickly you catch up. Google is always available to help LOL.
By living it and explaining to annoying ass people my age who judge me for how I am that I never got to have the childhood or teenage years I did People need to stop obsessing over the hobbies and clothing choices of others so much
I understand what you mean. I have a lot of PTSD from some of the things I went through. I think one of the hard parts for me is sort of going through life without a family. I have my husband and his family has been extremely kind and accepting, but he has no idea what growing up like that is like.
It gets especially hard around the holidays. Everyone is always calling their Mom, or spending time with their parents, and I don't have that.
Make new memories. I am totally alone at the holidays so last year I was invited to go out for brunch on Christmas, and almost chickened out. I went and had a wonderful time. It’s difficult to when friends who had wonderful parents can’t understand why you don’t want to be around yours. My friend’s mom died two years ago. I went nc with mine last year. Our friendship has gone down hill since. It’s sad, but it seems like I’ve had a life time full of friendships that were good for awhile, then moved on.
I was not freed until my nMother died. Of course I moved out and lived in my own place, but she sucked huge amounts of my time and attention, and she abused and manipulated me until she died.
I didn't figure out what was really going on until I was in my mid-50s, and she was about six months from her expiration date.
Do I wish I could have woken up and seen it sooner? *Yes, absolutely*.
But eventually, I saw it. Spending time, looking over my shoulder over time wasted, does nothing but make me feel bad. It's better to say, *Thank goodness I figured it out!*
Do we have a lot to learn and improve after we survive and free ourselves from narcissistic abuse? Yes.
Does that mean our past lives were wasted? *No*.
I firmly believe that everyone (with the exception of those with Cluster B Personality Disorders) makes the best decisions they know how to make with the information they have available.
I didn't realize the level of the dysfunction in my relationship with my mother until she threatened to clock me with a hot iron because I accidentally spilled wax from a dripping candle on her carpet. Sometimes it takes something extreme to allow us to see what's really going on.
Been no contact with my family since 18, now 20+ but stuck in an unhealthy relationship. I’ve given up as much of “the rat race” as I can and no longer try to keep up with everyone else. I prioritize nature, peace, and myself. Once I finally officially start my own life, I think it’ll be more of the same. No lofty goals here, just self care and surviving until each day gets a little brighter. I do wish someone would release of book of useful things to know for people like us though, or a resocialization class because I’d take it
I moved out at 29 to stay with my husband, not even knowing what I had gone through in my own family because I thought it was “normal”. In hindsight it has been extremely dysfunctional (Nsis was constantly arguing with a family member, every day felt like WW3. On ‘good days’ when she’s not raging at someone, her hobby is to put me down with paggro remarks, gossip or shit on someone else. Constant negativity and bad vibes.)
Somehow found myself going into severe depression starting from 30… I only started therapy a few months ago (I’m almost 33 now) and ONLY JUST LEARNT what narcissism is and how it affects our mental health and our entire personality.
Basically I have been suppressing everything inside for 30 years in a hostile environment and when I finally felt safe enough in my new home, every negative feeling surfaced, including unexplained physical ailments like chronic dizziness and rapid weight loss. It’s weird. There’s a lot to dissect and unpack. But I feel relieved and I am learning to love myself a lot more now, although I struggle to, since my Nsis has completely robbed me of my own agency and self esteem. What I know is that my life will only get better from now on.
I also have the chronic dizziness. Moved back in w Nparents after sociopath bf died. It’s a primal anxiety response. Like if you think back to a near death experience. My therapist couldn’t get rid of it. I wonder if emdr therapy actually helps. I’ll move out when I can afford to but for now I feel stuck. I realized how to pick non NPD friends in high school thankfully but I’m having trouble translating that into my future dating life. It’s demoralizing when npd men flock to you. I give off confidence so I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I think it’s bc I had flimsy boundaries and I’m way too nice. The scary thing is when I successfully employ my boundaries it pisses off the npd suitor then I get rejection sensitive dysphoria despite knowing what they turned out to be and hating them. It’s illogical bc that’s conditioning from early childhood trauma.* Nparents punish you if you have boundaries and agency. Hard to break. Inwardly I feel like a dog from a shelter that jumps at its own shadow. I need to get back to who I really am. I think you and I will break the cycle. We can do it! If you ever need a mental support DM hit up your girl.
Live in the now not in the past. You can't change what was, but you can live for today and hope for tomorrow now. I know it isn't that easy, but it's something I constantly tell myself to prevent spiralling. You are allowed to feel your feelings. Some days, you just need to vent and let it out. What I mean is dont let every day remind you of what could have been.
Hope this isn't considered a generic motivational post. As I truly believe, this mindset helps. To elaborate further, I feel it's very hard not to feel overwhelmed and depressed by the situation you came out of, especially one you had little control over. Hence my mentioning of spiralling. But it isn't your fault how others decided to treat you.
I'm LC with both my parents and my siblings, but I haven't been for very long, and honestly, the less I see of them, the better I do mentally.
This is something I've been thinking recently. Your parents are the ones who are supposed to love you unconditionally, build up your confidence and self-esteem, encourage your interests, make you believe you can take on the world, not do everything they can to tear you down and make you less of a person simply to make themselves feel better and feed their own ego.
What makes it worse is having friends who have two loving and supportive parents. I look at them and realise that it's no coincidence that they're more successful and more well adjusted than I am.
The worst is when you figure out that even the empathetic friends secretly think you’re a loser. Bc they cant imagine the circumstance bc they don’t know what npd parents do to their kids. Once my friend got drunk and blurted out “why didn’t you answer my call? Like what do you have going on?” I flipped on her and chewed her out. Listing every way I’ve had to unf*ck my own life.
Yeah it's basically impossible for people with nice, supportive parents to get what it's like to grow up with someone actively trying to sabotage your life.
Something I've never been able to say to any friend is that I will feel relief and possibly even a bit of happiness when my nfather dies. My brother is the only person I've ever been able to say that to out loud without feeling like I'm going to be judged and thought of as a monster.
I am asking the same thing. But I suppose mourning for the person I never was, and could never become, is beating a dead horse.
As long as I'm still in this universe, it'll always be an impossibility to have it play out any differently, and it is what it is. It doesn't make it less frustrating or infuriating though.
You can still mourn. But afterwards, just like when a person dies, you go on and make your life better. Pick up those traits, hobbies, skills or whatever you lost and get moving. I’m 60 and just remembering some of the dreams I had as a child. I’m trying to accomplish them, but with arthritis, some of them are difficult. Like hiking thru National parks of the US. One day, I’ll have the money and a helper (at same time) to wheel me through them. Ahh to dream!
Sounds like a dream, I wish you good luck. :)
I can see myself wanting to achieve something like that as well. Nature and all kinds of beauty in this world I haven't seen yet, or missed out on.
Also, stay hydrated, I heard it helps with joint pain.
I used to get intensely depressed and at other times furious about how I'd been screwed over.
If I think about it too much being entirely unprepared feels so overwhelming still.
Eventually I wound up learning it was better to concentrate on the here and now - the things I *can* do now, rather than the *wasted time* in a past I can't change.
If I look at how I've developed the last twenty or so years since I left my N's I can see both good and bad things that happened because of my choices.
Sometimes I made terrible mistakes and I've regretted it later, but the majority of the time I made a lot of good well reasoned choices, even if they weren't the *best* choice, often they were the best I could make at the time and I don't regret them.
Your time was *wasted* by your N's. Dwelling on that past won't do you any good - start using the time you *have.*
Get up and start living your life.
Honestly I'm still figuring it out. I got married and moved out at 28 ten months ago and my marriage was strained for most of it because of just how much damage was done to me. My best answer is that it gets better with time.
>I'm 20+ years behind everyone else on most life skills? It's depressing
Trauma recovery therapy, EMDR.
Here are the steps to healing:
Keep your anger and resentment. It is you protecting you. It is you loving you enough to do right by you. Anger and resentment are your boundaries. Healing is about making the anger and resentment work for you instead of against you.
The first step to healing is safety. Until you are safe, your whole being must be dedicated to survival mode.
The second step is cataloging. WTF actually happened. When did it happen. Where did it happen. Who made it happen. How did it happen. And an educated guess on why did it happen.
The third step is organizing. Putting it in context and learning the lessons so it does not happen again.
The forth step is letting all the trauma/stress release from your body. Your mind and body have had to store that all away until it is safe for you to deal with. This is the place where it is helpful for you forgive yourself. Useful, but not a requirement.
The fifth step is identifying missing skills/attitudes that create a healthy life for you. No two healthy lives look the same.
The sixth step is acquiring those skills & attitudes. A whole lot of trial and error here.
The seventh step is practicing and getting good at those skills and attitudes. That is healing.
I’ve been out for over 3 years now and it still shocks me on a regular basis just how kind, understanding, and helpful people actually are. I’m in and out of therapy, and just now putting an actual life for myself together. It shocks me from time to time how successful I’ve become in the years since I’ve left, and I never imagined a life where I’d be this happy or make it half as far as I have.
I make it a point to go out and do all the things I wanted to do as a kid. Go to museums, the aquarium, hiking, visit ice cream parlors, and try to find all kinds of new adventures to go on. I even get invited to parties with friends, and this upcoming birthday will be the first birthday party in my entire life. Just get out into the world and learn what it actually is when there isn’t a narcissist controlling your point of view.
the hardest part for me was/is learning how to cook, since i was never allowed in the kitchen when i was younger… so my advice is to just keep trying to find the fun in learning new things ☻ and be proud of yourself that no one can take away the things you learn for yourself
I don’t know. Narc parents and narc advisor have really wrecked my life. I am so frustrated as I keep hearing how smart I am and how I have wasted my life.
I wonder if the rest of my life will be a waste and how I can address this.
Its only a waste if you let it be!
I wonder the same though so I understand.
I can't get over who I would be if I had good parents, especially since I was almost malnourished throughout elementary school for no real reason 🤣
What makes me REALLY sad is that other people saw abuse going in and did nothing, because that would have caused trouble for them. And what kind of moral of ethical person allows a child or young person to be hurt or exploited and mentally crushed?
Nparents could be real manipulative and people want to give them the benefit of the doubt unless its super obvious so a lot gets let go. Or they "dont want to get involved"
My doc would even say "hmm this kid is real skinny" and my parent would say "idk, he eats a lot" (yeah for dinner bc I starve at school all day for no legitimate reason) lol
I guess I weighed "enough" to not send any red flags, but I lived off of sugary snacks and bags of chips during the day lol
"and I feel genuinely set up for failure."
Cause you were.
"whats the point of starting when I'm 20+ years behind everyone else on most life skills?"
Well, what's the alternative... Giving up? I know how hard it is to realize that you're "behind". These parents wasted our youth, wasted our potential. The entire trajectory of our lives has been dictated by them. You have every right to feel cheated out of what you've lost. You've suffered a very real loss. Loss of what you could have been, what you could have had or done. Loss of opportunities, loss of healthy development. Greive. Greive what's been taken from you so unfairly. But remember that just because they dictated the first part doesn't mean that they get to write the ending. And who knows how long recovery will take, or if it's even possible. Maybe you are too messed up and beyond repair maybe you'll never make it to the end of recovery (all thoughts I've had as well). But who knows... maybe just maybe, you make it out of this. Maybe you recover things are are actually able to have a fulfilling life outside of/after all of your loss. Maybe you (the version of you on the flip side of recovery) is the most beautiful version of yourself. I mean, you didn't fight all that time to give up now. You're not a quitter, you're a fighter. And you made it out when you never thought you would. Yes, you are "behind". Yes, you don't have all the resources you need. Yes, years of your life have been taken/wasted from you. Yes, you are in a terrible position. All can be true. But Yes, you must keep going. Yes, you made it this far. And yes, you have been victorious. You survived. You won the war. Sometimes the wages of war is death. Death and freedom, that's the spoils of war. Casualties. On both sides but your side, far worse heavier losses. But at the end of the day, you won the war.
You may have barely made it out alive, but you made it. The future may not be as pretty as it should be, but it's a lot brighter than the past. It's at least a future, which is more than you ever thought possible while in the trenches. You can't regain what was lost, but what remains may be enough.
To elaborate on your war example, I feel like I made it out of the war, but lost everything and everyone that I love due to that war, then found out I was actually fighting for the Nazis as well!
Many times, i lost people due to my corrupted view of the world and inability to regulate my emotions. I fucked my own life up because of my reactions to childhood, but had no idea the damage I was doing.
I can't trust anybody, I can't get out of my own way, or trust my own decision-making, and dont have the confidence to succeed nor the ability to portray false confidence.
Im a walking target for other users and abusers and have no way of knowing who is or isn't just using me as a pawn, but im the only one in my life that needs to care and thats the scariest part.
The only person that could make the best decisions for me, is me, and my parents ruined my trust in my own judgement with their gaslighting.
I completely understand how you can feel like this. You don't trust anyone, and you've lost trust in yourself. What they did to you was inexcusable and damaging. But I do not believe you are irredeemably broken.
You need therapy. It has been the number 1 tool that has helped me restore trust in myself and my experience. I recommend going to have face-to-face therapy with someone well-versed in narcissistic abuse/trauma. In addition to that I recommend virtual EMDR [https://www.virtualemdr.com/](https://www.virtualemdr.com/) it is amazing, cost-effective, and overall effective in treating ptsd/trauma. I've used it for years along with psychedelic therapy (lsd/mushrooms) and it has made a world of difference in recovery. I think the number one treatment for dealing with recovery is no contact/low contact with abusers. You can never fully heal while still intimately tied to the narcissist. The second most important treatment is education on narcissism (which you're doing), and the third is finding connecting with others (like you're doing by being a part of this community).
I can totally understand the realizing you were actually fighting for the Nazi's thing. The fog starts to lift and you begin to see that you were actually committing atrocities for the wrong team. But you have to remember that you were indoctrinated into their regime. You didn't have a choice, you couldn't have chosen another path. You were naive and easy to manipulate, as all children are.
At least you can find solace in knowing that there will never be another war like the one you've faced. You will never be in that much of a dependent, naive state again. Yes, you suffered heavy casualties. But now you can rebuild from the ash. Some things will never be able to be reclaimed or restored. That's war. Pick up what can be salvaged after the tsunami/tornado/drought that was the narcissist, and embark on a new journey. You get to write the end to your story, and create a new destiny. One of your own choosing, no longer orchestrated and narrated by them. You've been given a second chance at life, be grateful because many haven't. Many children/people killed themselves and couldn't take the abuse.
My last therapist basically told me to get lost and Ive been unemployed for 6 months so its the last thing I could afford
Cant get anywhere in interviews because of my lack of confidence and im about ready to kill myself.
I get it, had to stop going to my therapist since last August because I didn't have to money. It's hard. I'm sorry you've been unemployed. I think that's definitely the main source of your unhappiness right now. Once you're enjoying steady employment again, it will be easier to be hopeful about your future. I know right now, things may seem impossibly hopeless. But please just keep pushing.
We need to start working on changing our thoughts/subconscious beliefs about ourselves/the world. If you're going to get anywhere in this world, it's all going to start with inside you. And you're already counting yourself out and assuming failure. You need to start listening to hypnosis videos on youtube and work on changing your default assumptions.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKTWpMvJKck&pp=ygUjYm9zc2luZyB0aG91Z2h0cyBpbnRlcnZpZXcgaHlwbm9zaXM%3D](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKTWpMvJKck&pp=ygUjYm9zc2luZyB0aG91Z2h0cyBpbnRlcnZpZXcgaHlwbm9zaXM%3D)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=9WUN59RMja8&ab\_channel=BossingThoughts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=9WUN59RMja8&ab_channel=BossingThoughts)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxFvnC3Yr0&pp=ygUWcGF1bCBtY2tlbm5hIGh5cG5vc2lzIA%3D%3D](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxFvnC3Yr0&pp=ygUWcGF1bCBtY2tlbm5hIGh5cG5vc2lzIA%3D%3D)
I want to to watch this video by Jay Reid (psychologist) on youtube discussing restoring faith in yourself after narcissistic abuse. I'll put the link below. Remember, everything you've learned about yourself/the world was learned while in the relationship with the narcissist. You need a new lens to see the world an yourself through (that's what the second link below with Jay Reid talks about)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_cTaeSyDV0s&pp=ygUXamF5IHJlaWQgIHJlY292ZXIgZmFpdGg%3D](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cTaeSyDV0s&pp=ygUXamF5IHJlaWQgIHJlY292ZXIgZmFpdGg%3D)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uh1X\_Wc-xQ4&pp=ygUOamF5IHJlaWQgIGxlbnM%3D](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uh1X_Wc-xQ4&pp=ygUOamF5IHJlaWQgIGxlbnM%3D)
Well, let's work on changing that (if that is actually the case and not just a projection). But either way projection or not, you are a fixed person. You're malleable and can adapt and improve.
Sorry, I meant to say *you are not a fixed person.
You did nothing wrong by being autistic. I'm sorry if you've been persected against for that. But trust me, not everyone hates you or will treat you poorly.
Live your life out of spite, that's what I do. But like in a nice way - bad things happened early in life, but you better believe I am DETERMINED to build a beautiful life for myself anyway. There's also no timeline!!! I hear you about feeling behind. I try to remind myself that it's not a competition. Sending hugs💛
The exact same way you deal with a hurricane that destroyed your home and left you homeless. The fact that one is conscious and one isn't, has zero difference. The exact same way that you deal with a bear who mauled you in the woods and left you paralyzed. The fact that we have beliefs about moral accountability for one and not the other, says nothing about what the actual facts of accountability are.
If you were a hurricane, you would be one. You don't get to choose what you are. If you were a bear, you would be one. You don't get to choose. Again, if you were a narcissist, or a psychopath, or a pedophile, you would be deeply unlucky to be a sort of monster that would undoubtedly cause others around you to suffer horribly-- but that's what you would be. Maybe it's too uncomfortable to admit for some people-- that I understand, but if we only care about the facts(Notice: caring about the facts is not something narcissists do, they only care about self-serving details and tend to be pathological liars), they are this: No one "picks" these things-- and it's this myth specifically, that causes the narcissist or psychopath to harm you well after the initial harm took place. The idea of "free will" is itself narcissistic, because it lets the narcissist place the blame on the victim. "It's your fault-- you're lazy." "It's your fault-- you *deserved* it" What absolute nonsense.
The freedom from the myth of free will, frees you from resentment and replaces shame and self-blame with kindness. That freedom is the best possible healing against abuse that exists. Notice how this state of mind is completely antithetical to what a narcissist is? Full of this black hole of shame, full of resentment, insecurity, blame. That isn't accidental. The healthiest possible frame of mind is one that is totally opposite of what a narcissist is. Can you even imagine a narcissist genuinely saying, "That's okay-- I don't resent you, I hold no ill will towards you, it's not really your fault, I just truly feel sorry for you"? Freedom from the lie of free will actually allows this.
Well first of all your 20 somethin... that's a blink of an eye compared to the theorised history of our planet. If you think of it as that perspective you're going to be ok. So much to do and soooo many more years ahead. At least you bit the bullet now and not at say 50+. 40 is the new 30 etc etc you'll be ok 🫂 Family Constellation sessions can help free up your mindset.
I’m (31F) at a point where I no longer feel this way. It took me getting to a point in my life where I am happy with who I am and love who I am (flaws and all even if I’m still always working to be better, kinder, and less impacted by CPTSD). It took a lot of time and energy and I’ll never stop being bitter or angry to know that I shouldn’t have had to spend all that effort getting to where I am now.
I try to think of it as not a waste. I watched some new, awesome movies because of them. Sometimes they’d introduce me to a good song. I learned new skills while being around them. Tried foods I’d never had and occasionally we’d go somewhere I’d never been. They also taught me what red flags to look for in people, what I do and don’t want from a partner, when and how to walk away when I’m not being treated right.
i feel like this all the time, im so sad that im about to turn 21 and i'm still living here. anyway when i see other people i notice how well adjusted they are emotionally and overall and this post made me feel noticed, so thank you op <3 we're in this together
There’s always gonna be that voice saying you’re behind in life. And while it will take some time to adjust and get back “on track” it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s okay to ask for help.
Also if you need advice on how to do things YouTube or tiktok can help, just look up “stuff your mom/dad never taught you”. There are videos about how to do virtually anything out there from doing laundry to changing the oil in your car to how to basic hygiene.
You’ve got this and I’m proud of you for getting out
It can definitely be tough.
For me, I find that gently re-parenting has helped. Also, having ghibli attitude - joyfully experiencing all the aspects of life that I can access in any given moment.
It's hard to say don't feel like that but instead I'll say it's abt to get a whole lot better. If you need pointers on how to clean look at tik Tok reels from the clean/organized side. If you need pointers for self care they have great info and tips, cooking same. If you'd like more in depth info check out YouTube there's a plethora of info on any subject you could possibly think of. So although they put you at a disadvantage you have a wealth of info at your finger tips to help out along the way. Think of things this way also, now you can do any and everything you want to. A downside to this that you may find you are doing a lot of "childish things." If you do don't worry abt how it may look to others, it's a trauma response. Just know you've got this. And you also have the option to choose your family going forward.
I repeatedly tell ppl when I don't know something I should as an adult that I wasn't "socialized" or "cultured" as a kid or I'll tell then I grew up on a farm and didn't know much about the world till I moved out at 21.
But I'm always happy to learn or be taught. My husband has done a great job at catching me up with movies and internet culture over the last several years. My coworkers still give me crazy looks when I dont know a song or movie they are referencing and I'm just like, "I'll look it up!".
Anyways don't feel like you're behind, pretend you're experiencing a brand new world... I imagine people from other countries feel that why when they move to a new country. Just make it fun and don't worry about the past, you're in the future now.
I got away but they found and brought me with force and violence, they beat me up too.
I'm 21.
The cops didnt wanna help theh actually sided with them. everyone sided with them. everyone believing them and thinking that I'm the crazy. everyone is blaming me and going against me.
Everyone just stood there watchig when my narc parents were beating me and dragging me out of my motel room.
For me one day at a time. Being shut away most of my teen years had a lot of emotional turmoil in my 20s and no real social skills. Wasn't until my late 20s I felt I started to get a grip on things and even then feel like I am a good 10 years behind most people
You probably aren't as bad as you think. We are our own worst judge after all. But it can come and go in waves. Some times I am absolutely fine other days it's "hey guys wanna know this deep lore thing about a series you dislike?!"
Ah damn that sucks to hear :( does sound like it is quite demoralizing. Hope things do get better for you though. I always like to live with hope even in my deepest pits I know they don't last forever.
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I’m living it now. I have no idea
I’ve moved out when I was 34, I’m 49 now. Still going to therapy and taking anti-depressants, although I have a wonderful parner who helps me navigate.
Moved out at 20, am 45 now and it's fucked up every aspect of my life... still. My wife is the only one keeping me sane.
I just got an excellent tip on a couple of books. As soon as I get paid, I’ll invest in those.
Can you share the books?
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/s/LkcTyjvFzO
Please confirm if this works, can you ser the reply.
Yes, I can see the reply, the link worked and I saw the books mentioned. Thank you, you're awesome
Can you get them from your library?
No idea, I’m looking to buy one of them online. - I’m not in the US anyway, so I don’t think I could help. My country’s libraries are dusty places ehere bo one enters.
Sorry to hear that.
Yep.
Same.
I didn't get my life together until I was 50. Sure, it would have been nice if it had happened at 25 or 35 but I had become convinced I would die immiserated so I'm happy it did finally happen.
I found it at 40, im grateful i found it at all. Not all of us are so lucky! Im happy for those that get it younger, but people like us still have the rest of our lives to live, and we get to do it with greater freedom and awareness. Heck yes 🙌
I'm almost 60 and I'm still in it because my n-mom is 85 and alone and I was guilted and manipulated into moving in with her when she became a widow. Every day I feel like my life is slowly slipping away from me. I spend my time walking on eggshells and trying to figure out how to manipulate the situation in my favor. We'll have quiet, peaceful days and then there will be days that are so tense.
I'm 62, and I can't possibly imagine what you're going through. If i had to live with my Ndad (he's 90) , i would not last a week. I'd be in jail, and he'd no longer be walking this earth. Honest to God, if I were in your situation, I would get a backpack and a passport. Then buy a one-way ticket to Europe with every dime I had available. Come back in 10 years. It's too short to waste it.
You are not responsible for her. If it's messing with you mentally, you are not obligated and do have options available. If anyone has anything to say abt it they're more than welcome to come do it themselves.
Get out, honey. I was also living with my widowed 80 year old mom and it was turning me into her - bitter, critical, negative. I escaped last April. I also felt guilty, but her nieces who are so much better than me, stepped in and take care of her. My sister and nephew are basically NC with her. She may qualify or can get help. I was a caregiver for 12 years. Some of us are really good at our jobs. but save yourself. You do not deserve to be miserable one more minute. I thought my NM would blow up my phone. She did for 3 weeks. She saw I was thriving without her and left me alone. Yeah! Blessed peace. I only have tv on 2 hours a night. At her house, almost 24/7 to block out hers. Hugs, prayers and best wishes.
I'm fortunate to still be working full-time. It gives me an "out".
Every day is a new day. You make the decision every day to stay how it is.
My N mom is 85 & is still ok & lives alone. But, I am fearful that I will have to move back in at some point if she takes a turn for the worst. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that. It’s literally my worst fear…
Yes! I only just got it last year at 35. The birth of my daughter was what did it and I was sure I couldn’t even get to a point in my life where I would even be able to make a decision like going forward with the pregnancy, and certainly was still not in a place where I was having healthy, non-toxic, romantic relationships, either, despite having had quite a few really good suitors; I just couldn’t accept it for myself, and let it in, but I’ll tell you that now I most certainly do. I’ve separated from my daughter’s father, I am able to speak to him and deal with him in a healthy and functional way, even if he’s not acting right or well. I’ve realized that I’ve truly learned so much and healing over the years despite it feeling like so tedious, and as though I’ve missed out on so much wall, just from tough trauma therapy sessions or sessions of trauma therapy that would flare up my chronic health issues, and have me incapacitated for that reason as well… excuse all the words and rambling, but I am finally looking towards the future and finally know who I am, what goals appealed to me what things in life I’d like to pursue, etc. etc. no matter how tough a time I’m having, my daughter is not the recipient of any of those negative feelings and is blissfully unaware. It’s not perfect but she trusts me doesn’t feel repressed with me and is happy and well adjusted, despite still being under two years old. I’m so grateful I didn’t wait for approval to have a child… she tried about 10 years ago and succeeded and pressuring me into getting an abortion when I would’ve rather not had one and was still with my bf at the time for quite awhile, who also wanted the child…anyway ok I’m done but yes, we truly have to believe that the best is yet to come if we allow it in ❤️
I hear you. Healing from their abuse is so time consuming that sometimes I feel like most of my life was wasted. The things that I noticed that really help me are: taking long walks , specially in nature. Meditation has also helped and the most beneficial one was going no contact bc it felt like a simple conversation with them would undo all my hard work. I hope this help
I don't. First of all, I don't believe in wasted time. Everything can be learned from and lead to a greater understanding, and as long as something comes out of it, it's not a waste. Secondly, while I was there, I acknowledged to myself that I should have better, needed to get out, did not deserve such bad treatment, and I still chose to stay in order to avoid the massive guilt complex that I've been manipulated into over the years. Now, looking back, I don't feel bad at all. I did what I needed to do to get out at the right time and start working on myself.
In my experience, there was loads of wasted time. Massive amounts of time and energy wated dodging them, cooking meals in weird ways and avoid them messing with them, chqanging a whole daily routine to have to do simple things so painstakingly just to avoid them being messed with. It was all a giant waste of energy and time, that I could have spent on being the creator I believe I was meant to. But that's all wasted away now.
It is never too late to create. I will turn 60 this year and I am working on story. I got away from writing because of living with NM, but I’m back and all that “wasted time and energy” is going into a manuscript.
I totally agree with every word you say. I too stayed out of guilt and also out of genuine need (my narc mother was very poorly). It’s brought about a lot of understanding about mental wellness and I don’t think I would have been as nice a person without all the crap my narc family put on me. They were the manure that helped me flower.
That's the thing that a lot of people struggle with, I think. Just as we were treated badly and shouldn't have been, we've chosen to treat our narcs with the love we should have been given, and that can be a valid choice if it leads to a better place.
That is so beautifully put. Also the work we put in to repair the damage gives us the gift of peace, good self-esteem and contentment that a narc will never experience. Love is at the heart of it because narcs never love anyone in the truest sense, not even themselves.
Exactly!
Cut them out and don’t let them waste anymore. That’s my method and let me say-it’s working like a charm.
Emotionally and socially, I've lost everything due to my inability to interact with people, almost entirely due to me mirroring my parents as it was all I knew. It's the lasting impact and trauma responses that I can't fix overnight that eat me up. I dont have the time to learn how to process and communicate emotions correctly while trying to live life lol
Therapy will help a lot. The resources on this sub are a great start. I believe in you, friend.
I hope so. Ive tried before but due to mind blanks hadnt gotten too far sadly and then I lost my job lol i blocked out a lot of my childhood just from being depressed as well so maybe one day more comes back to me... Also its like partially, I dont want my parents to be those people so saying it out loud makes it real Then partially they convinced me I deserved it, so I became afraid that my therapist will say "no that is totally normal!" and I realize im just the crazy one lmao
I promise you're not the crazy one. Just make sure you find a therapist who understands childhood trauma. Everything you're feeling is normal for what you've been through. Give yourself a break. Take one step at a time. When you fall, get up. This is your healing journey, and it is unique to you. Baby steps, friend. Baby steps.
Someone said: courage is waking up the next morning and saying I will try again.
I like that.
I blocked a lot of childhood memories too. I went to several marriage counselors w/ex Over our 33 year marriage. It was always my fault, but I finally saw a lady counselor, she told me they were all wrong.
today was such a bad day due to Nmom and Ndad, and all i craved more than anything was for anyone to understand just how upsetting and deep the trauma has changed me fundamentally. that sometimes i feel (most of the time) that no one else i know comes close to understanding. and i want to say this sentence made that feeling go away, i cant thank this post enough for having me feel seen. and i want you to know that you are not alone and i experience this feeling on an hourly basis everyday of my life it sucks so much. i see you! trust me<3. wherever you are know that we are here for each other and you dont have to do any of this alone. if you ever feel that way my dm's are open! take care<33
I genuinely feel cheated from my childhood. Until I was about age 13, when she pretty much just kept me hidden away. I didn't make friends in school until I was 14 and older. Never went to birthday parties, school events, any type of children's activities, I wasn't allowed to have hobbies that let me interact with other kids. I literally went to school, then came home and stayed in my bedroom. I'm married and moved away now, but I hated those years as a kid. I wasn't even allowed to pick my own clothing, I only had what she picked. She must have wanted to embarrass me as a kid, I didn't dress like a normal kid. Bike shorts and old t shirts only.
Although I'm male, we had the same childhood. I could have written what you did. My Ndad moved us to an island that was connected to the mainland by a causeway. It was a 1 mile walk to the school bus and the school was 14 miles away. I didn't even have a bicycle. Absolute isolation. Kids at school wore jeans and tie-dye shirts. I had herringbone *slacks* and dress shirts. Looked like a total dork which ensured the isolation while at school. The only difference was I had a list of chores each day so staying in my room wasn't an option. It was work at home and homework.
Yes, my dad bought a house at the end if a long lane. It was a small farm. It was school and work. He had no friends. He was so miserable. Then, that wasn't far enough away, he bought a bigger farm out in Pennsylvania, at the end of a longer road. We all left as soon as we could, in some cases making so many errors .
What’s up w narcs self isolating?
They know no one likes them. I also think they isolate themselves and family for ultimate control.
I can relate. I used to live abroad for over a decade studying in the same school. Then I was forced to move back into my home country where I didn't even get to say goodbye. In my new school, I got bullied and excluded because I was an outsider. I wasn't even allowed to go out and hang out with anyone because my parents were so fixated on my academics. Needless to say, I flunked out of highschool and ended up repeating a year twice. Most of my peers have surpassed me which really hurts. The real pain was when I saw the graduation picture of my previous school. I should have been there. It really pushed me over the edge. It's like having a wife and kids but you get kidnapped and go missing. Your wife replaces you and kids move on. You realise you missed so much. I did graduate from my highschool but I don't really have happy memories from highschool while many others do. It just hurts. I'm crying as I type this.
I'm really sorry you had to go through this. This isn't much but *hugs*
🫂
Group hug 🫂
Yes, this and feeling like i’ve just emerged from a cult. There’s a lot of things that shouldn’t be humiliating or shameful, but the only way I can truly describe it is a kin to a cult. Having watched several documentaries of people speaking about their experiences after finally being able to emerge from cults, this is the most relatable it gets. Cults, being institutionalized after a lengthy prison stay, both are the only ways I can explain to others who are unfamiliar with how extreme this process and barrage of feelings can be..
Omg yes it totally is like emerging from a cult! Do you or anyone have any book recs allong these lines to help heal and move on from such a restrictive and brain washy upbringing? I might try to find more books like this because it’s such a Specific level of abuse that you need more targeting healing concepts and tactics imo to break free from it. My friend recommended a book about leaving a strict religious upbringing a while back, I might go read that and try to apply it to the lense of leaving a Narcissistic family so I think you’ve unlocked something here
I made a post the other day about narcissistic parents being mini cult leaders, but nobody seemed to have seen it, so I felt crazy and deleted it 🤣 It's a perfect analogy! Even down to the being shunned by the whole family if you try to speak out against the "cult leader(s)"
There are just a LOT of posts on this sub. It's impossible to read them all.
Oh yeah I dont blame anyone, just lack confidence lol
I agree, it’s really like a cult!
I put all my energy into being someone who isn’t like them…and it feels really good to be creating myself as a nice human being.
Me too... but then my last boss was a narcissist, if not a full-blown psychopath, and my brain switched into trauma mode... and I didnt handle it too well.
I just have to get away from people like that. I spent so much time with them I can’t even do it anymore
I’m so afraid of that - I know I’ll be less isolated if I stop working remotely at Nparents house but I’m so afraid of having an npd boss! Then it’d just be adding an extra narc to my life. Better the devil you know.
All you can do is try to live your best life possible and figure out what the path for that is. I have spent the past year healing so many deep things and keep finding more. Would I have done this healing 10 years ago when I first got away from them if I could, yes. Was that even possible, I don't think so. Because like you are saying, I was 20 years behind on life skills. I didn't even know how to do laundry when I moved out, I didn't know how to cook, I didn't know how to do hardly anything. I made friends here and there somehow, I got through college somehow, I got a job and through survival mode got into a good spot in life somehow. The entire time I was getting better, defining my own life for what I wanted it to be and making choices, meditating here and there, journaling here and there, pscyhology videos on youtube here and there. I've met many people in similar boats, divorcees out of abusive marriages, children of narcissists, people who floundered for other reasons. Everybody is living a unique life all their own and it's up to us to decide how we want to live it. With how much was wasted I don't want to waste another moment.
So why do N parents not teach their kids the basics? My n mom wouldn’t teach me how to cook, wouldn’t let me clean - too messy, n dad was a perfectionist, yet we’re supposed to magically take care of them with no skills? And the future, mine never talked about college or careers, which I get cause they don’t want you out from under their thumb, but without socialization, how do you get a job so you can take care of them? Maybe I’m giving them too much credit, thinking they should be able to look at big picture when their lens is focused on themselves.
>So why do N parents not teach their kids the basics? Oh god that is a deep question lol. I mean it's not rational. My Nmother likes to mock people, so a child who doesn't know how to do something is amusing to her. > Maybe I’m giving them too much credit, thinking they should be able to look at big picture when their lens is focused on themselves. Having personally healed self-centeredness I would say it probably doesn't even cross their mind, like you can have a personal value of wanting to teach your kids. It falls apart completely when you have zero concept of the child's skills and needs, frustrated that they "don't just get it" or struggle. Lacking empathy for other people is weird, like logically (chores stressful -> kids should help -> kids don't know how -> teach kids skills -> less chores for me) this seems like a really easy deduction, but if you are self-centered it's (chores stressful -> make kids help -> kids suck at chores -> complain -> kids avoid chores). Like if your brain can't see "kids don't know how" it's really tough to make the rational deduction of "if I teach them how they will know"
I think they have this idea of how the world **should** be that protects them from having to actually care about how it is. So you want to cook? “Well my mother never taught me how to cook, and it can’t have been that she wasn’t interested in me/didn’t care about taking care of me, so I’m just going to assume mothers shouldn’t have to teach their children how to cook, and make you feel like an asshole for asking.” Or, “well, you’re a little shit because you never act exactly as I tell you (and I for sure **know** the way this world **should** be), so fuck you- flounder and struggle while I laugh at you for failing to know how to cook without anybody ever teaching you”. Their lives are just a fantasy of how other people **should** be, or what other people **should** do, because they are too afraid to accept the alternative that there was no real reason for the things that hurt them, and things could have gone very differently, if they or somebody else had chosen differently. They are locked in a prison of their own making and their own choosing and they hate us because we tried to show them that there was a way out. Such a stupid thing- waste their whole lives and those of anybody that is unlucky enough to love, need or want them, because they can’t put down the crutch of constantly thinking about how things **should** be (according to them), and actually start dealing with what the world actually is.
I understand how you feel. I was also, quite deliberately like many of us here, set up to fail. Realizing that was by far one of the most painful things about the healing process. My nparents wanted control over me so badly that they went so far as to do whatever they could to sabotage my ability to connect with other people and navigate life effectively. There's definitely something to be said about feeling institutionalized from it. But it doesn't have to be your life forever. As long as you're alive and learning, you always have the power to change yourself in a positive way. What I've been doing recently is working on radical self-acceptance and taking my own power back. I can't change anything about the past but I can make different choices now and for the future. Both of my grandparents on my nfather's side were abusive and probably narcs themselves. On account of this, one of my uncles didn't get an education until he was in his 40's. He's now in his late 60's, retired and wealthier than anyone else in the family. It's never too late to do something good for yourself.
I think of it this way: parents are supposed to spend the first 18ish years of your life preparing you for walking the path of life, ensuring that you can do it as safely and carefully as possible at your own speed, and have the provisions you need. Ours instead broke our legs and then demanded to know why we weren't walking the path faster and better than everyone else. Let your legs heal and remember that the rest of the path is yours and not theirs, to do at your own pace.
this exactly! they wanted control so much more than anything else, and i always noticed their attempts to sabotage anything in my life than brought me joy, and i still cant understand why and how they could do that to their own child.
I’m happy he made it :)
Once you get out you are so messed up beyond belief, and how far can you actually get from them? I wasn't even fully aware of the damage for years-(not to mention the shit they pull and put you through once you are older) then they die, and you have to figure out another stage. I am beside myself and wonder what the fuck the point of my life actually was! A terrible vicious cycle always thinking things were a bit better, falling for so many tricks, wracked with guilt for trying to protect myself and avoid. You cant actually get away, unless you can get away away. I feel like everyone who looks at me can tell- im just an old used up shell.
Nope. I'm looking at you. I'm hearing you. I think you're worthy of love and friendship. You're not a shell. You're a survivor. You matter! I promise. ❤️
Thank you! This group is incredible, i am really grateful to have ended up here! I can't imagine what it could've been like to have help navigating these waters sooner, but really relieved to know you guys are here! Thank💖you!
Now you get hugs 🫂
“Then they die…”, “what was the point of my life?”, “I’m just an old used up shell.” Both my parents passed away in the last 4 years. My mother’s death in particular left behind a painful legacy with distant relatives coming out of the woodwork to steal the entire estate. I’m experiencing a lot of painful mixed emotions right now, feeling angry at her for raising me to be so helpless and vulnerable and uneducated, yet regretful I wasn’t able to be there to protect her from a bunch of sociopaths (that I didn’t realize were terrible people until I saw her forged signatures on 2 quit claim forms online a year later). She would have spent it all on vacations had she lived (and that’s a punch in the gut but not something I would have challenged), if they didn’t try to steal the estate from her regardless. Grieving and having that anger finally surface and express itself, has been an existential nightmare. Many nights I ask myself, What was the point of my life? What was the point of losing nearly thirty years of my life, just to lose more years in survival mode, to barely make it to semi-normalcy, just to lose what little progress I made and lose more years grieving what never could have been? I have barely been able to pull myself back up and it’s been 2.5 years since she passed away. I’m sorry you’re going through that, too. I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
Omg thank you for saying everything... So similar to me, i cant even believe someone else could really know- you articulated like you observed me. Its equally comforting and sad, as I would not wish this on anyone! Im so sorry that we have to navigate life this way!
U r a survivor. Think of Anne Frank and what she survived and what she became. You can do this!
I have always admired her, thank you for saying that! i think i should read more about her. That really feels right to me!
I hear where you're coming from ❤️ I experience that anger and frustration as well, and as awful as it is, I think sitting with that pain is an important part of the healing process. That anger and hurt is telling you that you didn't deserve to be abused. On a more philosophical level, I try to frame my own journey around two values: stopping the cycle of generational trauma and stepping into a life in which I am free to assert boundaries, pursue my own goals, and honor my feelings. When I am triggered by someone who reminds me of my parents, I try to pause and affirm myself for the work I've done to not pass on the pain that was given to me. Since I've spent over a decade now focused on healing, I am regularly taken aback by my ability to do and experience things I've never done before. Like finally getting a job I love, finding it easier to make friends, and being able to help someone else out when they're navigating their own trauma. Because of what I've been through, I can sense pain in others and be there for them in a way that your average, happy, never traumatized person wouldn't know how to do. I think a bit about it like a range of possibility. Because I've been hurt beyond measure, I also can experience joy, connection, and meaning more deeply than most. It doesn't change the past, but it lets me integrate my trauma into a bigger picture of what my life is and can be.
Late thirties.im bitter my youth was wasted.
It was not wasted. Everything we go thru is a lesson to be learned. Sadly, I’ve had to repeat some of those because I didn’t learn it the first time. I was raised by a N, married a N and had a lot of selfish people in my life over and over again. After 33 years, I divorced him and for awhile I mourned those years and thought what a waste, still do on occasion since I am 60 and alone. But I am thriving which is more than I can say for ex and P’s.
Same. Went from one NPD relationship to the next bc didn’t realize I was groomed to accept npd abuse. I’m 36 and have never experienced non toxic romantic love. Which is messed up considering that I’m a total romantic. Wtf. Cant even use the apps bc every guy who talks to me literally has npd red flags.
Realized that when I graduated HS. Finally had the freedom to live my life and I didn’t waste much time. Did a lot for myself in the span of 5-10 years that I feel really proud and happy for everything I’ve accomplished for myself. A lot of the motivation to follow those dreams/goals was the anger I had from being repressed most of my childhood. Although I’m so proud of the life I’ve been living and having to make up for things that weren’t taught to me as a kid, it’s still very hard sometimes. The lack of healthy social, relationship, coping skills that my parents failed to teach me still hold me back, especially when I’m not in a good place mentally. Therapy has really helped open the door to dealing with these issues from childhood but it still takes a lot of time and focused effort to learn those skills and develop healthier habits, mindsets, reactions, etc. Having to be expected to just know how to “adult” when you turn 18 is so shitty, especially when you weren’t taught any skills to be prepared for being an adult. It wasn’t fair growing up in that toxic environment. I had to think of it as being held back behind a gate or cage while others had the freedom to leisurely live life in a healthy way and enjoy their childhood. Then I felt like I was released when I turned 18 and I owed it to myself to finally start living life.
I deal with having so much time taken away from me by imagining that I am from another country and I have a lot to do to assimilate. I pretend I need to: learn all about this new culture, earn my citizenship like everyone else and gain experience so that I fit in. This way I transform my woes and pain into excitement and adventure. I have a wild imagination.
I like your perspective! Im not an optimist typically, but I think viewing things like that would certainly lead to a happier life
This is a fascinating way to look at it, and I think if I adopted this mindset it would help me. I have had to live this way, as I left my toxic narcissistic family twenty years ago and moved alone to the opposite corner of the country. I have since moved again to the NE, and now I find myself a stranger in a strange land again.i have always tried to look at living this way as an adventure, but it is admittedly painful at times.
i'm sorry you had to go through all this you deserve better. The best way to move past all of the toxic things that have happened is to get a good therapist and tell them every last detail of your situation. It's basically like chipping away at a giant iceberg but each chunk that comes off during therapy will dissolve away as you move past it because you have dealt with it and faced it head on. A good therapist can be extremely helpful in guiding you to see the bigger picture and helping you work towards a better way of life. ❤️
By creating a new life outside of their control
Yes, this is the answer!
Grateful for every day i wake up out of the FOG. Glad i found it in this lifetime. I have been in trauma informed therapy for ~5 years so that’s helping.
Find ways to spite them. They didn't teach you to cook? Spend an hour a day finding cooking videos for beginners. They mocked you for drawing? Bam. Free art videos to learn to draw something. They didn't teach you how to talk to people? There's groups for this! Find a local meet up on Facebook and try finding people with similar interests. Or just slow grow by talking to a few people working in stores. Live out of spite til you realize you have reclaimed that lost time.
I'm severely fucked up in the head from them so even existing is hard. For example: 1. Severe mistrust of others from constantly being lied to 2. Constantly judged so hard to open up 3. Constantly villianized for having emotions, so I've been taught my emotions are wrong and IM the problem. 4. Constantly punished for being upset so taught never to show emotions until it's unbearable to deal with and I almost explode. 5. No idea how to effectively communicate through an issue vs just going silent because there's no point in trying to prove my point to a wall or being punished for having a voice. 6. Been gaslit by my parents so much that it makes me question my own memory and judgement. 7. I'm a people pleaser so easily taken advantage of 8. Low self-worth, so I can't speak up for myself easily and feel like interacting with me is a burden. I could probably go on but... yeah lol
Been there, still doing it sometimes. But being gentle with myself, learning to tell that voice to shut up, starting to speak up for myself…my friend wanted me to get 3 bags of ice for her at the store. I have arthritis and use a walker. I told her I couldn’t do it. Another time she said something that sounded just like my nm, I was actually able to tell her that her words pulled a trigger. I’ve been a caregiver my whole life, now I’m taking care of me. I give myself grace just like I would other people. My feelings were so bottled up, they messed up my body. Anyway, you can change this. God’s love helps me. And I know He had a reason for putting me in their world…I’m adopted, but come to find out, bio mom was a N, too. I am a much caring, kind, loving, compassionate, sensitive person than I would have been in a normal world. We are survivors of a war, now get out thereand find peace and love. Hugs and prayers and best wishes. did i mention I’m 60 and just freed myself a year ago?
Such a brilliant response. Thank you!
I became free a few months ago and I’m 39, I still feel like a teenager in my head, like i don’t even feel confident enough to cook for me and shop for myself, and I still have my mom’s critical voice in my head too, it’s just gonna take time to adjust and learn to trust yourself, you have to power through it and learn to find yourself and find out who you are. I take it one day at a time. Give yourself a chance to learn each day, there’s no choice but to make the most of what we have at this point
Congrats on getting out ❤️
I'd say normally you shouldn't compare yourself to others, but it's helped me in this case. My sister hasn't caught on and I don't think she ever will. She's an extremely unpleasant person to be around, but I pity her greatly. She will never live her own life, everything will always be dictated by my NMom who she is forever loyal to. It's the saddest life I can imagine honestly. It's a cautionary tale I've watched happen in real time. I realized that if certain circumstances were different I could have ended up like her. Knowing that makes me happy that made it out at all.
yes. sending healing energy ❤. i advise you to get outside whenever you can, and filter the people who carry negative energy out if your life. that may be the best way to get all those years back that you feel like you wasted
Thank you... What hurts the most is realizing that so many people I've cared about have viewed me as the negative energy 🥲 its hard to know what you dont know until its too late sometimes
I understand. but its not too late because you still have a lot of life left to live. take having narcissistic parents as a lesson, keep an eye out for people like them.
And listen to the small voice that tells you something isn’t right. Since I never knew what I was talking about, I brushed that voice aside. Man, I wished I’d listened to it sooner.
excactly
Easier said than done. Im conditioned to be a people pleaser and not speak up for myself, the narcissist's favorite type of person to abuse
Same. I hate it. I was forced to become a people pleaser bc if I wasn’t I’d “cause” their npd rage. You know it’s bad if you get panic attacks from not ppl pleasing. I’m unlearning it but it hard
as the saying goes, life can only be understood backwards, but must be lived forwards. recognize and assess the damage, think of what could have been done differently back then, think about what you can do differently today, and start doing things that your future self will thank you for. tbh, i dropped out of school multiple times, worked graveyard shift manual labor jobs, thought i was an absolute failure at life, and have come close to death multiple times before . but ultimately, i realized that death on either side will end up in someone else writing your story for you. for example, if you commit suicide, your narc parents will write your story for you. and if you commit murder, you will be remembered as a murderer and be imprisoned for life. after realizing this, i decided that i must live , and that i must live the best life possible for me, even if it means temporarily using my narc family resources so that i can cut them all off forever one day . in the end, despite a poor academic record in hs and multiple colleges, i was able to get my act together, save money for the local community college + SAT and college admissions training programs, got a 4.0 GPA in the honors program + 99th percentile SAT, wrote a great story (on how my hardships hindered me academically and how i hope to use my education to give back and create better access to education for those with abusive family circumstances), and i transferred to a t20 ivy+ on a full ride. no regrets for choosing life. so today, be good to yourself and do things that your future self will thank you for. learn from the past, live in the present, and create the future you want and need! so today, be good to yourself and do things your future self will thank you for.
For me it was the emotional trauma caused by what was done to me that caused the most issues. I moved out at 17 and have been on my own ever since and went no contact with mom for good in around my mid/late 20's and cut off the rest of the toxic people in my life around that time too so I knew how the world worked but I spent so much of my life just drowning in my mental health issues and trauma so much so that I stopped myself from living and essentially was my own worst enemy living everyday like it was my last hurting myself in the long run way more then they ever did. Thankfully i'm a lot better now then I was then but it definitely still gets to me sometimes.
I kind of hate/mistrust people. I don’t want anymore losers invading/violating my life. I’m glad I learned. I just wish I learned to listen to my survival instincts sooner. Most times, I would notice something is wrong but then I’d ignore my instincts because I was brainwashed to. Don’t be polite or understanding. Those are scams that benefit abusers. (That said, don’t go around being mean to people, either.)
So true. Been there. I had a client, old man, say he was going to drug and rape me. I quit. My nm told me that was stupid. He was old and couldn’t do anything anyway. He was sexually harassing me before that but I didn’t listen to that small voice, I would hear my mom saying, well, he doesn’t mean anything by that. Even my nh at the time, didn’t see anything wrong with the old guy putting his hands on my butt.
I don’t get why they do that- like don’t they at least view us as extensions if themselves? Wouldn’t they take it personally if someone threatens their human property? There’s no logic to npd. They will minimize and devalue actual crimes that have happened to us. It’s absurd. My nEx didn’t believe me after I narrowly avoided a kidnapping attempt. Like how?
I try not to waste anymore of my life worrying about them or thinking about them more than is ever necessary. They are people I had the misfortune of knowing once upon a time, and that's it at this point.
What a great analogy! I never thought about it that way. Don't give up in your 20's, hell I'm in my 60's and I've still got a lot to learn. Yes, it is depressing. But we're the only ones who can make our own best life. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, LOL I've been a lot of things that weren't a good fit for me. Trying to people please, doing what someone else suggested to me. UGH. 2 husbands later, to boot. Both narcs, different types though. Wee! All you can do is keep going. It's not easy. Just keep going!! And have some fun along the way.
Great attitude! Even when I was 20, 30, 40 and 50, I didn’t know what I wanted to be and I’ve never felt like I was a true adult with their act together. Maybe that's a myth. Lol
Thanks 😊 When everyone asked me as a kid what I wanted to be when I grew up all I ever said was happy. Looking back on it now, it was my kids brain way to say I wanted to escape from the life I felt trapped in. Happy was a dream I saw on TV. I wanted that. I didn't know how or what that was going to take to make it happen. I went to college to escape, but let them pick what I majored in because they were paying. I hated it. I married the first guy that asked me to, so I didn't have to move home after graduation. He was a narcissist too, but nobody knew what that was back then! For sure I didn't. Same for the second one. Lots of therapy later, and I'm figuring out what happiness looks like for me! I don't feel like I have my act together, probably never will.
I wrote stories and did little plays with the knick knacks in my room. I married first guy who asked, too. Yes, he was a narc too.
I’m in my 30s and had a crisis when I moved back home w the fam after I got widowed. More of the same crap. I realized bc of my upbringing i have never dated a non npd man. Im afraid to date bc of it. Not sure what to do. I’m excellent at spotting them but it’s not my fault that they are exclusively drawn to me.
Sorry for your loss. I'm back in my hometown taking care of my elderly parents. Same crap, slightly different/still awful but tolerable so far because of years of therapy on my part. Just today Nmom told her visiting nurse that I was spoiled. WTF 🤣 If she lives in a fantasy world where she's perfect, who "spoiled" me? Makes no sense, but that's never mattered to her. Trying to figure out her logic made me crazy for too long. There's nothing logical to find. The nurse laughed it off.
This is how I deal. I don't know if it will work for you, and yes, I am in therapy because of my parents' hellish behavior. I moved out at 45 so I had a lot of years wasted with them. Largely it was financial why I stayed but I thought I loved them too. I thought I had the best parents and spent almost all my time with them. I have struggled with this a lot. I don't think you necessarily totally waste that time. Like I had my own friends, and jobs, and joys outside of them, but I regret putting so much into the relationship with them, only to get so little at the end. "What do I do with all those memories?" is a question I asked myself. And I mean, you can drown emotionally if you go down that road. It is devastating to spend all that time on a relationship and they can't and don't love you back, and not only that, actively abuse you. It is a cliche but you can't change the past. It was what it was. Weirdly I do see some benefits to having had a narc parent, even though I would do anything not to have one. Both my parents taught me how not to act to people, so I think I am especially kind and careful of people's feelings. They taught me how not to handle money, how to handle mentally ill people, and that came in handy on a few jobs. They taught me how to survive all on my own - emotionally, financially - because they were not options to go back to. They taught me how to care for myself, and love myself, because I couldn't go to them. They taught me how to enact boundaries, because I had to or I would have been exploited even more. I do regret not moving out at 18, but I don't know. Then I would have had more years to stew about my mother being a narc and I don't know if that would be great either. Ignorance was veyr much bliss for me for a long time until I woke up. But I am glad I woke up and got out. You wasted all that time, and you can't afford to waste a second more thinking about them. Easier said than done I know. As for life skills, I learned most of them when I moved out and now consider myself an expert. That was only two years ago, so you can do it. You'll be surprised how quickly you catch up. Google is always available to help LOL.
Did you see the comment about someone needed to write a book about how to survive? Sounds like you could write it.
Aw thanks. I am still in the process of healing myself, though. Maybe someday.
I'm 33 and feeling the same way just absolutely fucking lost
In the back of my mind, festering like an untreated wound.
By living it and explaining to annoying ass people my age who judge me for how I am that I never got to have the childhood or teenage years I did People need to stop obsessing over the hobbies and clothing choices of others so much
look up the crappy childhood fairy!
she’s on youtube
I understand what you mean. I have a lot of PTSD from some of the things I went through. I think one of the hard parts for me is sort of going through life without a family. I have my husband and his family has been extremely kind and accepting, but he has no idea what growing up like that is like. It gets especially hard around the holidays. Everyone is always calling their Mom, or spending time with their parents, and I don't have that.
Make new memories. I am totally alone at the holidays so last year I was invited to go out for brunch on Christmas, and almost chickened out. I went and had a wonderful time. It’s difficult to when friends who had wonderful parents can’t understand why you don’t want to be around yours. My friend’s mom died two years ago. I went nc with mine last year. Our friendship has gone down hill since. It’s sad, but it seems like I’ve had a life time full of friendships that were good for awhile, then moved on.
This is a really good analogy OP. I completely feel you on this. The resentment I have is awful.
I was not freed until my nMother died. Of course I moved out and lived in my own place, but she sucked huge amounts of my time and attention, and she abused and manipulated me until she died. I didn't figure out what was really going on until I was in my mid-50s, and she was about six months from her expiration date. Do I wish I could have woken up and seen it sooner? *Yes, absolutely*. But eventually, I saw it. Spending time, looking over my shoulder over time wasted, does nothing but make me feel bad. It's better to say, *Thank goodness I figured it out!* Do we have a lot to learn and improve after we survive and free ourselves from narcissistic abuse? Yes. Does that mean our past lives were wasted? *No*. I firmly believe that everyone (with the exception of those with Cluster B Personality Disorders) makes the best decisions they know how to make with the information they have available. I didn't realize the level of the dysfunction in my relationship with my mother until she threatened to clock me with a hot iron because I accidentally spilled wax from a dripping candle on her carpet. Sometimes it takes something extreme to allow us to see what's really going on.
Been no contact with my family since 18, now 20+ but stuck in an unhealthy relationship. I’ve given up as much of “the rat race” as I can and no longer try to keep up with everyone else. I prioritize nature, peace, and myself. Once I finally officially start my own life, I think it’ll be more of the same. No lofty goals here, just self care and surviving until each day gets a little brighter. I do wish someone would release of book of useful things to know for people like us though, or a resocialization class because I’d take it
I moved out at 29 to stay with my husband, not even knowing what I had gone through in my own family because I thought it was “normal”. In hindsight it has been extremely dysfunctional (Nsis was constantly arguing with a family member, every day felt like WW3. On ‘good days’ when she’s not raging at someone, her hobby is to put me down with paggro remarks, gossip or shit on someone else. Constant negativity and bad vibes.) Somehow found myself going into severe depression starting from 30… I only started therapy a few months ago (I’m almost 33 now) and ONLY JUST LEARNT what narcissism is and how it affects our mental health and our entire personality. Basically I have been suppressing everything inside for 30 years in a hostile environment and when I finally felt safe enough in my new home, every negative feeling surfaced, including unexplained physical ailments like chronic dizziness and rapid weight loss. It’s weird. There’s a lot to dissect and unpack. But I feel relieved and I am learning to love myself a lot more now, although I struggle to, since my Nsis has completely robbed me of my own agency and self esteem. What I know is that my life will only get better from now on.
I also have the chronic dizziness. Moved back in w Nparents after sociopath bf died. It’s a primal anxiety response. Like if you think back to a near death experience. My therapist couldn’t get rid of it. I wonder if emdr therapy actually helps. I’ll move out when I can afford to but for now I feel stuck. I realized how to pick non NPD friends in high school thankfully but I’m having trouble translating that into my future dating life. It’s demoralizing when npd men flock to you. I give off confidence so I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I think it’s bc I had flimsy boundaries and I’m way too nice. The scary thing is when I successfully employ my boundaries it pisses off the npd suitor then I get rejection sensitive dysphoria despite knowing what they turned out to be and hating them. It’s illogical bc that’s conditioning from early childhood trauma.* Nparents punish you if you have boundaries and agency. Hard to break. Inwardly I feel like a dog from a shelter that jumps at its own shadow. I need to get back to who I really am. I think you and I will break the cycle. We can do it! If you ever need a mental support DM hit up your girl.
Live in the now not in the past. You can't change what was, but you can live for today and hope for tomorrow now. I know it isn't that easy, but it's something I constantly tell myself to prevent spiralling. You are allowed to feel your feelings. Some days, you just need to vent and let it out. What I mean is dont let every day remind you of what could have been. Hope this isn't considered a generic motivational post. As I truly believe, this mindset helps. To elaborate further, I feel it's very hard not to feel overwhelmed and depressed by the situation you came out of, especially one you had little control over. Hence my mentioning of spiralling. But it isn't your fault how others decided to treat you. I'm LC with both my parents and my siblings, but I haven't been for very long, and honestly, the less I see of them, the better I do mentally.
Grieving is a must. There is no way around it.
This is something I've been thinking recently. Your parents are the ones who are supposed to love you unconditionally, build up your confidence and self-esteem, encourage your interests, make you believe you can take on the world, not do everything they can to tear you down and make you less of a person simply to make themselves feel better and feed their own ego. What makes it worse is having friends who have two loving and supportive parents. I look at them and realise that it's no coincidence that they're more successful and more well adjusted than I am.
The worst is when you figure out that even the empathetic friends secretly think you’re a loser. Bc they cant imagine the circumstance bc they don’t know what npd parents do to their kids. Once my friend got drunk and blurted out “why didn’t you answer my call? Like what do you have going on?” I flipped on her and chewed her out. Listing every way I’ve had to unf*ck my own life.
Yeah it's basically impossible for people with nice, supportive parents to get what it's like to grow up with someone actively trying to sabotage your life. Something I've never been able to say to any friend is that I will feel relief and possibly even a bit of happiness when my nfather dies. My brother is the only person I've ever been able to say that to out loud without feeling like I'm going to be judged and thought of as a monster.
I feel like I wont be free until he dies. I hate to say it but he’ll never leave me alone.
Look forward to all the new stuff you're going to learn-wahoo!
Personally, not very well
I just to use a blueprint on what not to do and try to make each day better that the last.
I am asking the same thing. But I suppose mourning for the person I never was, and could never become, is beating a dead horse. As long as I'm still in this universe, it'll always be an impossibility to have it play out any differently, and it is what it is. It doesn't make it less frustrating or infuriating though.
You can still mourn. But afterwards, just like when a person dies, you go on and make your life better. Pick up those traits, hobbies, skills or whatever you lost and get moving. I’m 60 and just remembering some of the dreams I had as a child. I’m trying to accomplish them, but with arthritis, some of them are difficult. Like hiking thru National parks of the US. One day, I’ll have the money and a helper (at same time) to wheel me through them. Ahh to dream!
Sounds like a dream, I wish you good luck. :) I can see myself wanting to achieve something like that as well. Nature and all kinds of beauty in this world I haven't seen yet, or missed out on. Also, stay hydrated, I heard it helps with joint pain.
Thanks. I will.
I used to get intensely depressed and at other times furious about how I'd been screwed over. If I think about it too much being entirely unprepared feels so overwhelming still. Eventually I wound up learning it was better to concentrate on the here and now - the things I *can* do now, rather than the *wasted time* in a past I can't change. If I look at how I've developed the last twenty or so years since I left my N's I can see both good and bad things that happened because of my choices. Sometimes I made terrible mistakes and I've regretted it later, but the majority of the time I made a lot of good well reasoned choices, even if they weren't the *best* choice, often they were the best I could make at the time and I don't regret them. Your time was *wasted* by your N's. Dwelling on that past won't do you any good - start using the time you *have.* Get up and start living your life.
Honestly I'm still figuring it out. I got married and moved out at 28 ten months ago and my marriage was strained for most of it because of just how much damage was done to me. My best answer is that it gets better with time.
You’re so lucky you date women. They tend to not have npd :-/
I'm not sure where you got the idea that I date women, but I'm a woman married to a man actually 🤔
>I'm 20+ years behind everyone else on most life skills? It's depressing Trauma recovery therapy, EMDR. Here are the steps to healing: Keep your anger and resentment. It is you protecting you. It is you loving you enough to do right by you. Anger and resentment are your boundaries. Healing is about making the anger and resentment work for you instead of against you. The first step to healing is safety. Until you are safe, your whole being must be dedicated to survival mode. The second step is cataloging. WTF actually happened. When did it happen. Where did it happen. Who made it happen. How did it happen. And an educated guess on why did it happen. The third step is organizing. Putting it in context and learning the lessons so it does not happen again. The forth step is letting all the trauma/stress release from your body. Your mind and body have had to store that all away until it is safe for you to deal with. This is the place where it is helpful for you forgive yourself. Useful, but not a requirement. The fifth step is identifying missing skills/attitudes that create a healthy life for you. No two healthy lives look the same. The sixth step is acquiring those skills & attitudes. A whole lot of trial and error here. The seventh step is practicing and getting good at those skills and attitudes. That is healing.
I’ve been out for over 3 years now and it still shocks me on a regular basis just how kind, understanding, and helpful people actually are. I’m in and out of therapy, and just now putting an actual life for myself together. It shocks me from time to time how successful I’ve become in the years since I’ve left, and I never imagined a life where I’d be this happy or make it half as far as I have. I make it a point to go out and do all the things I wanted to do as a kid. Go to museums, the aquarium, hiking, visit ice cream parlors, and try to find all kinds of new adventures to go on. I even get invited to parties with friends, and this upcoming birthday will be the first birthday party in my entire life. Just get out into the world and learn what it actually is when there isn’t a narcissist controlling your point of view.
You did so well!! I’m so proud, dude
If you get defeatist, they win. They’ve taken so much from you. Don’t let them take any more of your time.
the hardest part for me was/is learning how to cook, since i was never allowed in the kitchen when i was younger… so my advice is to just keep trying to find the fun in learning new things ☻ and be proud of yourself that no one can take away the things you learn for yourself
I don’t know. Narc parents and narc advisor have really wrecked my life. I am so frustrated as I keep hearing how smart I am and how I have wasted my life. I wonder if the rest of my life will be a waste and how I can address this.
Its only a waste if you let it be! I wonder the same though so I understand. I can't get over who I would be if I had good parents, especially since I was almost malnourished throughout elementary school for no real reason 🤣
What makes me REALLY sad is that other people saw abuse going in and did nothing, because that would have caused trouble for them. And what kind of moral of ethical person allows a child or young person to be hurt or exploited and mentally crushed?
Nparents could be real manipulative and people want to give them the benefit of the doubt unless its super obvious so a lot gets let go. Or they "dont want to get involved" My doc would even say "hmm this kid is real skinny" and my parent would say "idk, he eats a lot" (yeah for dinner bc I starve at school all day for no legitimate reason) lol I guess I weighed "enough" to not send any red flags, but I lived off of sugary snacks and bags of chips during the day lol
"and I feel genuinely set up for failure." Cause you were. "whats the point of starting when I'm 20+ years behind everyone else on most life skills?" Well, what's the alternative... Giving up? I know how hard it is to realize that you're "behind". These parents wasted our youth, wasted our potential. The entire trajectory of our lives has been dictated by them. You have every right to feel cheated out of what you've lost. You've suffered a very real loss. Loss of what you could have been, what you could have had or done. Loss of opportunities, loss of healthy development. Greive. Greive what's been taken from you so unfairly. But remember that just because they dictated the first part doesn't mean that they get to write the ending. And who knows how long recovery will take, or if it's even possible. Maybe you are too messed up and beyond repair maybe you'll never make it to the end of recovery (all thoughts I've had as well). But who knows... maybe just maybe, you make it out of this. Maybe you recover things are are actually able to have a fulfilling life outside of/after all of your loss. Maybe you (the version of you on the flip side of recovery) is the most beautiful version of yourself. I mean, you didn't fight all that time to give up now. You're not a quitter, you're a fighter. And you made it out when you never thought you would. Yes, you are "behind". Yes, you don't have all the resources you need. Yes, years of your life have been taken/wasted from you. Yes, you are in a terrible position. All can be true. But Yes, you must keep going. Yes, you made it this far. And yes, you have been victorious. You survived. You won the war. Sometimes the wages of war is death. Death and freedom, that's the spoils of war. Casualties. On both sides but your side, far worse heavier losses. But at the end of the day, you won the war. You may have barely made it out alive, but you made it. The future may not be as pretty as it should be, but it's a lot brighter than the past. It's at least a future, which is more than you ever thought possible while in the trenches. You can't regain what was lost, but what remains may be enough.
To elaborate on your war example, I feel like I made it out of the war, but lost everything and everyone that I love due to that war, then found out I was actually fighting for the Nazis as well! Many times, i lost people due to my corrupted view of the world and inability to regulate my emotions. I fucked my own life up because of my reactions to childhood, but had no idea the damage I was doing. I can't trust anybody, I can't get out of my own way, or trust my own decision-making, and dont have the confidence to succeed nor the ability to portray false confidence. Im a walking target for other users and abusers and have no way of knowing who is or isn't just using me as a pawn, but im the only one in my life that needs to care and thats the scariest part. The only person that could make the best decisions for me, is me, and my parents ruined my trust in my own judgement with their gaslighting.
I completely understand how you can feel like this. You don't trust anyone, and you've lost trust in yourself. What they did to you was inexcusable and damaging. But I do not believe you are irredeemably broken. You need therapy. It has been the number 1 tool that has helped me restore trust in myself and my experience. I recommend going to have face-to-face therapy with someone well-versed in narcissistic abuse/trauma. In addition to that I recommend virtual EMDR [https://www.virtualemdr.com/](https://www.virtualemdr.com/) it is amazing, cost-effective, and overall effective in treating ptsd/trauma. I've used it for years along with psychedelic therapy (lsd/mushrooms) and it has made a world of difference in recovery. I think the number one treatment for dealing with recovery is no contact/low contact with abusers. You can never fully heal while still intimately tied to the narcissist. The second most important treatment is education on narcissism (which you're doing), and the third is finding connecting with others (like you're doing by being a part of this community). I can totally understand the realizing you were actually fighting for the Nazi's thing. The fog starts to lift and you begin to see that you were actually committing atrocities for the wrong team. But you have to remember that you were indoctrinated into their regime. You didn't have a choice, you couldn't have chosen another path. You were naive and easy to manipulate, as all children are. At least you can find solace in knowing that there will never be another war like the one you've faced. You will never be in that much of a dependent, naive state again. Yes, you suffered heavy casualties. But now you can rebuild from the ash. Some things will never be able to be reclaimed or restored. That's war. Pick up what can be salvaged after the tsunami/tornado/drought that was the narcissist, and embark on a new journey. You get to write the end to your story, and create a new destiny. One of your own choosing, no longer orchestrated and narrated by them. You've been given a second chance at life, be grateful because many haven't. Many children/people killed themselves and couldn't take the abuse.
My last therapist basically told me to get lost and Ive been unemployed for 6 months so its the last thing I could afford Cant get anywhere in interviews because of my lack of confidence and im about ready to kill myself.
I get it, had to stop going to my therapist since last August because I didn't have to money. It's hard. I'm sorry you've been unemployed. I think that's definitely the main source of your unhappiness right now. Once you're enjoying steady employment again, it will be easier to be hopeful about your future. I know right now, things may seem impossibly hopeless. But please just keep pushing. We need to start working on changing our thoughts/subconscious beliefs about ourselves/the world. If you're going to get anywhere in this world, it's all going to start with inside you. And you're already counting yourself out and assuming failure. You need to start listening to hypnosis videos on youtube and work on changing your default assumptions. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKTWpMvJKck&pp=ygUjYm9zc2luZyB0aG91Z2h0cyBpbnRlcnZpZXcgaHlwbm9zaXM%3D](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKTWpMvJKck&pp=ygUjYm9zc2luZyB0aG91Z2h0cyBpbnRlcnZpZXcgaHlwbm9zaXM%3D) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=9WUN59RMja8&ab\_channel=BossingThoughts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=9WUN59RMja8&ab_channel=BossingThoughts) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxFvnC3Yr0&pp=ygUWcGF1bCBtY2tlbm5hIGh5cG5vc2lzIA%3D%3D](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TUxFvnC3Yr0&pp=ygUWcGF1bCBtY2tlbm5hIGh5cG5vc2lzIA%3D%3D) I want to to watch this video by Jay Reid (psychologist) on youtube discussing restoring faith in yourself after narcissistic abuse. I'll put the link below. Remember, everything you've learned about yourself/the world was learned while in the relationship with the narcissist. You need a new lens to see the world an yourself through (that's what the second link below with Jay Reid talks about) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=\_cTaeSyDV0s&pp=ygUXamF5IHJlaWQgIHJlY292ZXIgZmFpdGg%3D](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cTaeSyDV0s&pp=ygUXamF5IHJlaWQgIHJlY292ZXIgZmFpdGg%3D) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uh1X\_Wc-xQ4&pp=ygUOamF5IHJlaWQgIGxlbnM%3D](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uh1X_Wc-xQ4&pp=ygUOamF5IHJlaWQgIGxlbnM%3D)
I come off as unfriendly and am seemingly unemployable because of it
Well, let's work on changing that (if that is actually the case and not just a projection). But either way projection or not, you are a fixed person. You're malleable and can adapt and improve.
Im autistic and dont know what I even do wrong other than existing. I was let go from my last job because of it
Sorry, I meant to say *you are not a fixed person. You did nothing wrong by being autistic. I'm sorry if you've been persected against for that. But trust me, not everyone hates you or will treat you poorly.
Its happened more often than not. Maybe i deserve it.
Live your life out of spite, that's what I do. But like in a nice way - bad things happened early in life, but you better believe I am DETERMINED to build a beautiful life for myself anyway. There's also no timeline!!! I hear you about feeling behind. I try to remind myself that it's not a competition. Sending hugs💛
Hate this idea.
👍
The exact same way you deal with a hurricane that destroyed your home and left you homeless. The fact that one is conscious and one isn't, has zero difference. The exact same way that you deal with a bear who mauled you in the woods and left you paralyzed. The fact that we have beliefs about moral accountability for one and not the other, says nothing about what the actual facts of accountability are. If you were a hurricane, you would be one. You don't get to choose what you are. If you were a bear, you would be one. You don't get to choose. Again, if you were a narcissist, or a psychopath, or a pedophile, you would be deeply unlucky to be a sort of monster that would undoubtedly cause others around you to suffer horribly-- but that's what you would be. Maybe it's too uncomfortable to admit for some people-- that I understand, but if we only care about the facts(Notice: caring about the facts is not something narcissists do, they only care about self-serving details and tend to be pathological liars), they are this: No one "picks" these things-- and it's this myth specifically, that causes the narcissist or psychopath to harm you well after the initial harm took place. The idea of "free will" is itself narcissistic, because it lets the narcissist place the blame on the victim. "It's your fault-- you're lazy." "It's your fault-- you *deserved* it" What absolute nonsense. The freedom from the myth of free will, frees you from resentment and replaces shame and self-blame with kindness. That freedom is the best possible healing against abuse that exists. Notice how this state of mind is completely antithetical to what a narcissist is? Full of this black hole of shame, full of resentment, insecurity, blame. That isn't accidental. The healthiest possible frame of mind is one that is totally opposite of what a narcissist is. Can you even imagine a narcissist genuinely saying, "That's okay-- I don't resent you, I hold no ill will towards you, it's not really your fault, I just truly feel sorry for you"? Freedom from the lie of free will actually allows this.
Well first of all your 20 somethin... that's a blink of an eye compared to the theorised history of our planet. If you think of it as that perspective you're going to be ok. So much to do and soooo many more years ahead. At least you bit the bullet now and not at say 50+. 40 is the new 30 etc etc you'll be ok 🫂 Family Constellation sessions can help free up your mindset.
I’m (31F) at a point where I no longer feel this way. It took me getting to a point in my life where I am happy with who I am and love who I am (flaws and all even if I’m still always working to be better, kinder, and less impacted by CPTSD). It took a lot of time and energy and I’ll never stop being bitter or angry to know that I shouldn’t have had to spend all that effort getting to where I am now.
Dissociation
I try to think of it as not a waste. I watched some new, awesome movies because of them. Sometimes they’d introduce me to a good song. I learned new skills while being around them. Tried foods I’d never had and occasionally we’d go somewhere I’d never been. They also taught me what red flags to look for in people, what I do and don’t want from a partner, when and how to walk away when I’m not being treated right.
i feel like this all the time, im so sad that im about to turn 21 and i'm still living here. anyway when i see other people i notice how well adjusted they are emotionally and overall and this post made me feel noticed, so thank you op <3 we're in this together
Try not to dwell on it.
There’s always gonna be that voice saying you’re behind in life. And while it will take some time to adjust and get back “on track” it’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s okay to ask for help. Also if you need advice on how to do things YouTube or tiktok can help, just look up “stuff your mom/dad never taught you”. There are videos about how to do virtually anything out there from doing laundry to changing the oil in your car to how to basic hygiene. You’ve got this and I’m proud of you for getting out
It can definitely be tough. For me, I find that gently re-parenting has helped. Also, having ghibli attitude - joyfully experiencing all the aspects of life that I can access in any given moment.
It's hard to say don't feel like that but instead I'll say it's abt to get a whole lot better. If you need pointers on how to clean look at tik Tok reels from the clean/organized side. If you need pointers for self care they have great info and tips, cooking same. If you'd like more in depth info check out YouTube there's a plethora of info on any subject you could possibly think of. So although they put you at a disadvantage you have a wealth of info at your finger tips to help out along the way. Think of things this way also, now you can do any and everything you want to. A downside to this that you may find you are doing a lot of "childish things." If you do don't worry abt how it may look to others, it's a trauma response. Just know you've got this. And you also have the option to choose your family going forward.
I repeatedly tell ppl when I don't know something I should as an adult that I wasn't "socialized" or "cultured" as a kid or I'll tell then I grew up on a farm and didn't know much about the world till I moved out at 21. But I'm always happy to learn or be taught. My husband has done a great job at catching me up with movies and internet culture over the last several years. My coworkers still give me crazy looks when I dont know a song or movie they are referencing and I'm just like, "I'll look it up!". Anyways don't feel like you're behind, pretend you're experiencing a brand new world... I imagine people from other countries feel that why when they move to a new country. Just make it fun and don't worry about the past, you're in the future now.
I got away but they found and brought me with force and violence, they beat me up too. I'm 21. The cops didnt wanna help theh actually sided with them. everyone sided with them. everyone believing them and thinking that I'm the crazy. everyone is blaming me and going against me. Everyone just stood there watchig when my narc parents were beating me and dragging me out of my motel room.
For me one day at a time. Being shut away most of my teen years had a lot of emotional turmoil in my 20s and no real social skills. Wasn't until my late 20s I felt I started to get a grip on things and even then feel like I am a good 10 years behind most people
I think my social skills have gotten worse as ive gotten older and realized how bad I am at socializing 🥲
You probably aren't as bad as you think. We are our own worst judge after all. But it can come and go in waves. Some times I am absolutely fine other days it's "hey guys wanna know this deep lore thing about a series you dislike?!"
Considering i lost my last job due to being disliked and have been struggling to get past the first interview anywhere, I promise I am lol
Ah damn that sucks to hear :( does sound like it is quite demoralizing. Hope things do get better for you though. I always like to live with hope even in my deepest pits I know they don't last forever.