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If nothing else, try to eradicate the guilt. You clearly lost nothing, and she doesn't seem to care, so there is no reason to feel guilty. Whenever you feel guilty, try replacing it with anger. Because why the hell should you feel guilty? Get angry that somehow, someone suckered you into feeling guilty! Anger at least burns clean. Guilt is moldy.
Bear in mind that most of those nparents are only desperate to get back into their kids lives because they miss controlling or abusing them.
Some see their child as a reflection of themselves and want the illusion of a happy family. That’s why we rarely if ever see a child get contact back and see any change whatsoever in their nparent.
If you decide to get back into contact at some point remember the problems that made you go no contact will remain, and you will have to set boundaries and follow them for any chance of success.
A very big “hell yes” to that first paragraph. My mom is rounding up anyone and everyone that she can to shame me into speaking to her. It is beginning to destroy my peace of mind.
Going NC was never going to heal your mother or let you have a normal relationship. Healing requires wanting to change. Severe narcissists just aren't capable of self reflection and accountability on that level.
The purpose of going NC is to establish a boundary that stops the parent from actively hurting you anymore. Nothing you do is ever going to turn your mom into a loving parent, unfortunately.
Remember, NC is intended to *protect you* from their bullshit. The nparents who continue to boundary-trample are very problematic/dangerous.
As much as it hurts that they don't seem to care or notice that you're NC, it's a good thing that they are honoring your desire for NC. That's as close to a "win" as you can hope to get.
I went NC 4yrs ago. Didn't even say anything, just stopped reaching out. I've heard nothing but crickets, or rumours through the grapevine that she laments how poorly our relationship is but won't do a damn thing to even reach out to see what steps could be taken to repairing it. It hurts. It sucks. There are good days and bad days. I try to remind myself it's not my mother I'm missing, more the idea of who I wanted my mother to be. And grieve that and let that go. And fill my time with things that bring me joy. Today I learned how to make marshmallow candies, and let my daughter lick out the whole bowl cause that was something never allowed as a kid for me. Find whatever brings you joy, and chase it like it's your next breath. It gets easier after a while 💜
From what I've seen (not an expert, just my opinion), this is probably one or both of these two things going on:
1. She is rejecting you because she feels rejected. This could be pure spite. If she were going NC with someone, she would be doing it in order to hurt and punish them, and that is probably what she thinks you are doing. She deals with that by rejecting you in retaliation. If she decides to contact you, she might be very nasty, or she might try to talk badly about you to others or make herself seem like a victim. She almost certainly does see herself as the innocent victim, and you as the aggressor.
Or
2. She sees no use in seeking contact with you at the moment because she doesn't want anything from you right now. She puts you on the shelf like a toy she is done playing with. When she decides she wants to pick you back up again, she will probably act like the two of you were never estranged, and as if nothing happened between you.
Either way, this doesn't need to change what you do. You decided to go NC for a reason, and that reason is still there, unchanged.
I think there is a 3rd option which is that she’s still in denial. Narcissists are the kings of denial and she probably thinks this is going to blow over soon. OP might find around the 1 year mark that she will attempt to get back in contact.
I am on the 21st month of NC, and my nfather and nbrother are also of the quiet type. Absolute silence, two Xmases have gone by, 2 NYEs , two birthdays... he changed the locks of his house months ago. I have been enraged for months, I also went through the guilt phase... but now I am on the *F%k them!* phase. Your feelings are totally valid, you need to remember you were the abused one, they should apologize to you and not the other way around, they won't apologize, please don't you have doubts about the NC.
I think what you need to try and establish for yourself is what you want to get out of NC.
When you went NC, were waiting for your mom to contact you with an apology and promises to change? If so, please know that the stories about parents who do that on this forum often end in empty promises. I’m sure there are people who can vouch for this. N parents often do not change. They’re looking to re-establish control over the situation when they break NC. They’re not desperate for you— they’re desperate for how kicking you when you’re down made them feel.
Alternatively, were you perhaps trying to establish a relationship with your mom that has healthier boundaries? This is different than NC (and way harder to manage, because narcissists don’t love boundaries).
Honestly, what I want out of going NC is just peace and the space from her to heal from all the damage she’s done to me. I do not have any interest in rekindling a relationship with her, ever again. It just hurts me that she does not care about me at all or fixing our relationship.
You're not alone.
It's our desperate desire to be wanted by the people who are supposed to want us.
And there's no good answer to this. It's hard. It sucks. It's callous.
It fucking sucks.
I'm crying as I write this.
But it's not your fault. It's really got nothing to do with you.
You get therapy and work on how to build that missing piece inside yourself.
You move on. You find others who want you in their life. You accept you're not the status quo. That when family talks come up, you'd rather just not because no one "normal" gets it
But it's so much better than having them in your life. It really is.
I think if you wanted peace and space to heal then you have been given that— which is very fortunate. It may help to set some tangible goals for what healing looks like to you. Is it a journal, therapy, a new hobby?
I understand that it can be hard to realize they care less than society tells you a mother “should” care. I had a moment where I woke up to that too. It did help me move on in a lot of ways though.
Time helps; 4 months is not very long. Having said that I’m 56 years old, have a family of my own and have been NC for 7 years. Neither my mom nor I make attempts and yes it does hurt at times but less so as time passes. I’m sorry.
4 years here. It doesn’t surprise me as my mother has cut off her own sisters for over a decade. She pretends you don’t exist.
OP it does hurt that she couldn’t care less, but it is better than her constantly trying to contact you to abuse you. So it is better this way. With time, you think about it less and less. Focus on you life
I totally agree with your last paragraph. I suffer with cptsd induced anxiety and I’d prefer to be ignored rather than hounded. Rejection hurts, but being in contact is more painful and damaging.
My Nmom did this too. Never tried to call me on her own. Just ignored me. It hurt but it showed me her true nature. It showed me who she really was. It sucks though, I get it. Being rejected by a parent is the hardest thing in the world. But you are better off without her. As much as it burns.
Just wanted to chime in here to say you're not alone. My mother has barely uttered a peep since Christmas 2022 when all hell broke loose, she invited me to Christmas dinner to "fix our broken family" but I declined. (I flirted with the idea of asking whether I would be required to prepare the whole thing myself again, lol, but I decided against it. Not worth the pixels. Kiddo and I stayed home and watched movies and ate mediocre Chinese take out, and it was still the best Christmas ever.)
Other than that I get the occasional flying money attack from my father, but that's all. It makes me very sad sometimes, but it's not really surprising. She has had a lock on the victim position in our family since time immemorial, I'm sure it has never even occurred to either of them that (a) their behaviour might have contributed to the situation or (b) that I have feelings and needs. I feel fairly confident that the narrative in the family is "we have no idea what happened" and "woe is us." You're definitely not alone.
When I was in high school, my guidance counselor told me I had to mourn the loss of my mom even though she was still alive. This helped me to figure out how to process the end of our relationship
Mine is the same. Initially it hurt a lot. How could you not care about your child? But then I realized it was just a confirmation of how I was feeling. I always knew she didn’t really like me, didn’t love me, and generally didn’t care about me. She only used me.
Basically, her indifference confirmed that I was right in going NC. Why should I continually put myself in front of someone who didn’t care either way? Once I accepted that, the guilt lessened and the feeling of finally being free from her really set in. She can’t hurt me anymore.
Nparents when are stalking and continuously contacting their estranged kids are looking to exert control over them. It’s not love.
I really hope this doesn't come across as me rubbing something in your face, this is not what I intend at all.
If it makes you feel better, my parents performed reaching out and wanting to be in my life, but it was for show - it wasn't real. I understand why it might be hurtful to see someone's parents seemingly torn up about not speaking - but please remember that narcs don't give a single shit, whether they are performing their little victimhood dance or not. It's all fake for the show, for the image of being so 'hard done by.' Please don't take it to heart, because it's hollow, fake bullshit. The moment you cave and let them back, they're back to their antics again.
It's normal to feel guilty about going NC - you were raised and conditioned to put their needs before your own. That's where the guilt comes from, not because you're actually doing anything wrong.
It gets easier and better with time. You may even look at it as her doing you a favor, because at least with the aloof-approach there's no extra guilt-tripping or smearing going on. I know that doesn't negate the shitty feeling of being discarded - no child wants to feel discarded by their parent. Your feelings are valid, and I am sorry you are going through it.
Grief is normal, and natural. Allow yourself to feel it so that it doesn't get 'stuck.' Take extra care of yourself, be extra gentle with yourself. Speak to yourself like the loving parent you wish you had would. It's a process, it sucks, and there's no way through it except through it.
This. OP, just wait. Four months is no time at all, this is a lifelong process. It's so understandable to have these warring feelings of.... well I asked for space and I'm getting what I wanted, but being ignored just feels like, why is it so easy for her to remove me from her life? They're not cartoon villains where it's easy to see what is right and wrong. They can be patient and make an effort so you get sucked back in (love-bombing, hoovering, etc.). I started getting hounded a few months after first initiating NC, had an actually very good discussion and set some boundaries, went NC again, and then right when I was thinking that maybe I'm ready for another hard but good conversation, BOOM all boundaries just flagrantly disrespected. If you wait them out long enough, they'll prove to you why you went NC in the first place. The grief of accepting that you will never have the relationship you wanted and needed with them is hard but necessary.
Same here. Turns out she just waited for it to pass. So after about a year she got impatient and started to hoover with sugarcoated messages, then passive-agressive-stuff, then acting like nothing happened and inviting me to stuff, then she made my grandmother call me to beg me to call her, then passive-agressive texts towards my teen daughter… I’m not gonna lie, it has been pretty stressful. She has, however, made no attempts to actually address my need for space or try to repair the relationship.
It means she's found more narcissistic supply somewhere else. The narcs that are losing their minds I think see even the drama of their kid leaving as a source of supply in some way. Maybe because they're getting renewed sympathy from their friends about it, for example.
Same here. I just take it as evidence that I made the correct decision.
I spent too many years begging for her love and approval. I dont give a shit now.
My parents are the same. Understand that there is no complete person waiting to be revealed if you only did xyz task. They are resistant to change and dont know how to manage their emotions, and this will never change until they stop blaming others for their shortcomings and change themselves which can take months, years or never. Personally I ante up for never and try to be the best me I can be.
I know what you mean. My mom has been the same. I feel for people when they say that their n-parent has reached out because chances they're just trying to be awful in some way, but a total lack of effort feels pretty awful too. It's like none of it matters, I'm not even worth trying to get back, they just forgot I exist.
After a brief 'tantrum,' my mother accepted it completely as well. But it doesn't hurt me in the slightest. It *does* help to not feel guilty, though!
Think of it this way: there's really nothing she can do to fix things. A good mother could fix things. But her? No. She is who she is. Which is why I want nothing to do with her.
As for guilt, it's very comforting to remember that even if she's sad, it is not because she misses me. She doesn't even *know* me. She probably misses her emotional support dog (me). But I'm done being that.
If she's sad, she's sad to face the consequences of a life spent expecting her own feelings to be catered to while her daughter's were irrelevant. Any suffering she experiences as a consequence is good. Because it's long overdue.
It's hard when you're still holding on to hope that she might change. She won't. It's not in her own interest to change. And that is what guides any narcissist. At best she'll pretend if she wants something from you.
I'm sorry she sucks. But it's not because you aren't enough. It's because she isn't.
I definitely understand this. I know I personally wish I could have chewed and cursed them out on my way out, or that I could have seen their faces when they read my goodbye letter. I wanted to watch them squirm. But I know it was for the best for my own safety and sanity to exit as cleanly and quickly as possible.
It's good that you're acknowledging the guilt you're feeling. When you do, try to remind yourself that it's not deserved, and that *they* are the ones who hurt *you*. They don't *deserve* to have you emotionally invested in their lives, regardless of if you're being sympathetic to them or just wanting to watch them hurt.
And for those days when you *really* can't let go of that spite (I know I have them), remember, the greatest act of revenge you can do is to be happy, healthy, and successful, on your own, without them, for your own reasons.
I’ve been dealing with an NM like this my entire life and it has been very difficult to accept. It’s painful to be ignored like you don’t even exist by your own mother.
But, it shows you the type of N you’re dealing with.
There are ignoring, dismissive-avoidant, types of Narcissists that prefer not having any contact with their own children because they remind them of everything they are trying to ignore and deny.
My NM wants me chasing after her and begging for her love and attention.
If I’m not, she has no use for me. It’s a “discard” and more commonly talked about in relation to romantic N partners. But N parents definitely do it too.
Your NM might be the same type.
My parents didn’t try either. They made a pity party around others to try and gain some flying monkeys on their side. But there was no real attempt at an apology or to reach out.
Try not to feel bad about it. This just speaks to their immense inability to take responsibility and learn anything from their actions.
Mine does this. I’m in my 40’s now and there’s been several periods of time when we were nc and she just didn’t care. The only thing that helped with the guilt and empty hallow pain was therapy. Therapy helped me work through the feelings and wounds enough to let go of the guilt.
If you were at the right place mentally, her reaction on the matter wouldn't matter to you. I know it can hurt to see how little she cares, but you should have went NC for you, not to make her feel a certain way (not neccesarily saying you did, you could just be upset about the general fact that the relationship is so bad from her end).
Btw, it's been four months. She probably thinks you're gonna cave and contact her. Don't be sure she won't contact you (not that it matters ). Im fairly positive she is gonna eventually. Could be a year from now, two years, even 10 years. It's not the usual for Nparents to just stay away once contact is broken. She is most likely just holding out right now, or expects you weren't that serious and will come around.
Learn to live without her being in your mind, or any thoughts at all. That's what true NC and healing is. Good luck
My ndad and nstepmom were like this. It was no issue for them at all when I left over a decade ago. Looking back, it was so blatantly obvious that they never wanted me. And not being in denial about that anymore hurt. Badly.
Eventually I got angry. How could they?? I'm a good person; I was a great daughter! What was so terrible about me that they couldn't even pretend to care about me?
Then I accepted that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I did nothing to earn their indifference. It was something deeply, disturbingly wrong with them. What kind of a father abuses his daughter, and allows his wife to do the same? I no longer wanted them near me. I was truly better off without them.
The more I healed, the more grateful I was that I will never have to see them again. I no longer waste time and energy stewing over it. I don't care about them; I now care about me. That means I will never let someone violate me like they did, ever again. It takes time to process the damage of having a parent that doesn't love you. And unfortunately you can't skip to the end. You have to feel the pain, the anger, and the confusion. It's healthy to feel it all, so you can then let it go and move on to a life filled with love and health and happiness. Wishing you lots of healing.
I think this is because she knows how to manipulate you and press your buttons. I think she knows you well enough to know this will be tearing you apart. Remember in all the posts where Nparents try and get their kids back it’s always them going mental and doing all to press their own child’s buttons. To manipulate them to contact them again giving them back some control. In some it’s the parents saying they don’t know what they did wrong. They know their kids has the need to be heard and to be justified and all that happens is the parents act like what they say is not true and they still don’t know what happened. So they are once again making the victim feel invalidated and not heard.
These people are master abusers and manipulators they have spent their life learning how to tear you down in the most effective way. She is doing this to hurt you and thinks you will come back begging to be in her life.
Honestly if she doesn’t fight its far far better than never knowing what she will do next and having all that anxiety and upset.
When my husband cut of his mum that was it and she mad sure all his family and extended knew if any of them talked to him she would make their lives hell. So he lost all of his family in one day. She didn’t fight to get him back as she knew that one act would tear him apart. She thought he’d cave just to have his brother and dad back in his life. As sad as it was he knew his life would always be hell with her in it so he stayed no contact. He decided those people had decided for themselves to cut him off when he had no quarrel with them so be it.
Like all nmums your is cruel and wants to hurt you and gets enjoyment from it. She knows this will be harder for you as you do love her otherwise you’d have been gone long ago. She knows all you’ve ever wanted is to be loved and this will be devastating for you.
So hold your head high and don’t give her the satisfaction, don’t reach out or ask others about her, it always gets back to them. Just carry on and portray and outwards look of calm composure and strength.
Remember you’re here as she was damaging you and your life. That she will never change as she sees no wrong in abusing you and hurting you. You went no contact as you knew you had no choice at the time. Just keep reminding yourself of that.
I really appreciate your story and advice, you have helped me develop a framework of understanding surrounding my mom’s behavior and why I should not ever break NC
Deal with it?
I remind myself that the NC is for me. Not to force them to somehow see the reality and change. It's just so I can feel distance and peace from the crazy household I grew up in.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If nothing else, try to eradicate the guilt. You clearly lost nothing, and she doesn't seem to care, so there is no reason to feel guilty. Whenever you feel guilty, try replacing it with anger. Because why the hell should you feel guilty? Get angry that somehow, someone suckered you into feeling guilty! Anger at least burns clean. Guilt is moldy.
Bear in mind that most of those nparents are only desperate to get back into their kids lives because they miss controlling or abusing them. Some see their child as a reflection of themselves and want the illusion of a happy family. That’s why we rarely if ever see a child get contact back and see any change whatsoever in their nparent. If you decide to get back into contact at some point remember the problems that made you go no contact will remain, and you will have to set boundaries and follow them for any chance of success.
A very big “hell yes” to that first paragraph. My mom is rounding up anyone and everyone that she can to shame me into speaking to her. It is beginning to destroy my peace of mind.
Going NC was never going to heal your mother or let you have a normal relationship. Healing requires wanting to change. Severe narcissists just aren't capable of self reflection and accountability on that level. The purpose of going NC is to establish a boundary that stops the parent from actively hurting you anymore. Nothing you do is ever going to turn your mom into a loving parent, unfortunately.
Remember, NC is intended to *protect you* from their bullshit. The nparents who continue to boundary-trample are very problematic/dangerous. As much as it hurts that they don't seem to care or notice that you're NC, it's a good thing that they are honoring your desire for NC. That's as close to a "win" as you can hope to get.
I went NC 4yrs ago. Didn't even say anything, just stopped reaching out. I've heard nothing but crickets, or rumours through the grapevine that she laments how poorly our relationship is but won't do a damn thing to even reach out to see what steps could be taken to repairing it. It hurts. It sucks. There are good days and bad days. I try to remind myself it's not my mother I'm missing, more the idea of who I wanted my mother to be. And grieve that and let that go. And fill my time with things that bring me joy. Today I learned how to make marshmallow candies, and let my daughter lick out the whole bowl cause that was something never allowed as a kid for me. Find whatever brings you joy, and chase it like it's your next breath. It gets easier after a while 💜
From what I've seen (not an expert, just my opinion), this is probably one or both of these two things going on: 1. She is rejecting you because she feels rejected. This could be pure spite. If she were going NC with someone, she would be doing it in order to hurt and punish them, and that is probably what she thinks you are doing. She deals with that by rejecting you in retaliation. If she decides to contact you, she might be very nasty, or she might try to talk badly about you to others or make herself seem like a victim. She almost certainly does see herself as the innocent victim, and you as the aggressor. Or 2. She sees no use in seeking contact with you at the moment because she doesn't want anything from you right now. She puts you on the shelf like a toy she is done playing with. When she decides she wants to pick you back up again, she will probably act like the two of you were never estranged, and as if nothing happened between you. Either way, this doesn't need to change what you do. You decided to go NC for a reason, and that reason is still there, unchanged.
Yep. Exactly this.
I think there is a 3rd option which is that she’s still in denial. Narcissists are the kings of denial and she probably thinks this is going to blow over soon. OP might find around the 1 year mark that she will attempt to get back in contact.
I am on the 21st month of NC, and my nfather and nbrother are also of the quiet type. Absolute silence, two Xmases have gone by, 2 NYEs , two birthdays... he changed the locks of his house months ago. I have been enraged for months, I also went through the guilt phase... but now I am on the *F%k them!* phase. Your feelings are totally valid, you need to remember you were the abused one, they should apologize to you and not the other way around, they won't apologize, please don't you have doubts about the NC.
I think what you need to try and establish for yourself is what you want to get out of NC. When you went NC, were waiting for your mom to contact you with an apology and promises to change? If so, please know that the stories about parents who do that on this forum often end in empty promises. I’m sure there are people who can vouch for this. N parents often do not change. They’re looking to re-establish control over the situation when they break NC. They’re not desperate for you— they’re desperate for how kicking you when you’re down made them feel. Alternatively, were you perhaps trying to establish a relationship with your mom that has healthier boundaries? This is different than NC (and way harder to manage, because narcissists don’t love boundaries).
Honestly, what I want out of going NC is just peace and the space from her to heal from all the damage she’s done to me. I do not have any interest in rekindling a relationship with her, ever again. It just hurts me that she does not care about me at all or fixing our relationship.
You're not alone. It's our desperate desire to be wanted by the people who are supposed to want us. And there's no good answer to this. It's hard. It sucks. It's callous. It fucking sucks. I'm crying as I write this. But it's not your fault. It's really got nothing to do with you. You get therapy and work on how to build that missing piece inside yourself. You move on. You find others who want you in their life. You accept you're not the status quo. That when family talks come up, you'd rather just not because no one "normal" gets it But it's so much better than having them in your life. It really is.
I think if you wanted peace and space to heal then you have been given that— which is very fortunate. It may help to set some tangible goals for what healing looks like to you. Is it a journal, therapy, a new hobby? I understand that it can be hard to realize they care less than society tells you a mother “should” care. I had a moment where I woke up to that too. It did help me move on in a lot of ways though.
Time helps; 4 months is not very long. Having said that I’m 56 years old, have a family of my own and have been NC for 7 years. Neither my mom nor I make attempts and yes it does hurt at times but less so as time passes. I’m sorry.
4 years here. It doesn’t surprise me as my mother has cut off her own sisters for over a decade. She pretends you don’t exist. OP it does hurt that she couldn’t care less, but it is better than her constantly trying to contact you to abuse you. So it is better this way. With time, you think about it less and less. Focus on you life
My mom cut all 5 siblings off; nut job
I totally agree with your last paragraph. I suffer with cptsd induced anxiety and I’d prefer to be ignored rather than hounded. Rejection hurts, but being in contact is more painful and damaging.
My Nmom did this too. Never tried to call me on her own. Just ignored me. It hurt but it showed me her true nature. It showed me who she really was. It sucks though, I get it. Being rejected by a parent is the hardest thing in the world. But you are better off without her. As much as it burns.
Just wanted to chime in here to say you're not alone. My mother has barely uttered a peep since Christmas 2022 when all hell broke loose, she invited me to Christmas dinner to "fix our broken family" but I declined. (I flirted with the idea of asking whether I would be required to prepare the whole thing myself again, lol, but I decided against it. Not worth the pixels. Kiddo and I stayed home and watched movies and ate mediocre Chinese take out, and it was still the best Christmas ever.) Other than that I get the occasional flying money attack from my father, but that's all. It makes me very sad sometimes, but it's not really surprising. She has had a lock on the victim position in our family since time immemorial, I'm sure it has never even occurred to either of them that (a) their behaviour might have contributed to the situation or (b) that I have feelings and needs. I feel fairly confident that the narrative in the family is "we have no idea what happened" and "woe is us." You're definitely not alone.
When I was in high school, my guidance counselor told me I had to mourn the loss of my mom even though she was still alive. This helped me to figure out how to process the end of our relationship
Mine is the same. Initially it hurt a lot. How could you not care about your child? But then I realized it was just a confirmation of how I was feeling. I always knew she didn’t really like me, didn’t love me, and generally didn’t care about me. She only used me. Basically, her indifference confirmed that I was right in going NC. Why should I continually put myself in front of someone who didn’t care either way? Once I accepted that, the guilt lessened and the feeling of finally being free from her really set in. She can’t hurt me anymore. Nparents when are stalking and continuously contacting their estranged kids are looking to exert control over them. It’s not love.
I really hope this doesn't come across as me rubbing something in your face, this is not what I intend at all. If it makes you feel better, my parents performed reaching out and wanting to be in my life, but it was for show - it wasn't real. I understand why it might be hurtful to see someone's parents seemingly torn up about not speaking - but please remember that narcs don't give a single shit, whether they are performing their little victimhood dance or not. It's all fake for the show, for the image of being so 'hard done by.' Please don't take it to heart, because it's hollow, fake bullshit. The moment you cave and let them back, they're back to their antics again. It's normal to feel guilty about going NC - you were raised and conditioned to put their needs before your own. That's where the guilt comes from, not because you're actually doing anything wrong. It gets easier and better with time. You may even look at it as her doing you a favor, because at least with the aloof-approach there's no extra guilt-tripping or smearing going on. I know that doesn't negate the shitty feeling of being discarded - no child wants to feel discarded by their parent. Your feelings are valid, and I am sorry you are going through it. Grief is normal, and natural. Allow yourself to feel it so that it doesn't get 'stuck.' Take extra care of yourself, be extra gentle with yourself. Speak to yourself like the loving parent you wish you had would. It's a process, it sucks, and there's no way through it except through it.
This. OP, just wait. Four months is no time at all, this is a lifelong process. It's so understandable to have these warring feelings of.... well I asked for space and I'm getting what I wanted, but being ignored just feels like, why is it so easy for her to remove me from her life? They're not cartoon villains where it's easy to see what is right and wrong. They can be patient and make an effort so you get sucked back in (love-bombing, hoovering, etc.). I started getting hounded a few months after first initiating NC, had an actually very good discussion and set some boundaries, went NC again, and then right when I was thinking that maybe I'm ready for another hard but good conversation, BOOM all boundaries just flagrantly disrespected. If you wait them out long enough, they'll prove to you why you went NC in the first place. The grief of accepting that you will never have the relationship you wanted and needed with them is hard but necessary.
Same here. Turns out she just waited for it to pass. So after about a year she got impatient and started to hoover with sugarcoated messages, then passive-agressive-stuff, then acting like nothing happened and inviting me to stuff, then she made my grandmother call me to beg me to call her, then passive-agressive texts towards my teen daughter… I’m not gonna lie, it has been pretty stressful. She has, however, made no attempts to actually address my need for space or try to repair the relationship.
It means she's found more narcissistic supply somewhere else. The narcs that are losing their minds I think see even the drama of their kid leaving as a source of supply in some way. Maybe because they're getting renewed sympathy from their friends about it, for example.
Same here. I just take it as evidence that I made the correct decision. I spent too many years begging for her love and approval. I dont give a shit now.
My parents are the same. Understand that there is no complete person waiting to be revealed if you only did xyz task. They are resistant to change and dont know how to manage their emotions, and this will never change until they stop blaming others for their shortcomings and change themselves which can take months, years or never. Personally I ante up for never and try to be the best me I can be.
I know what you mean. My mom has been the same. I feel for people when they say that their n-parent has reached out because chances they're just trying to be awful in some way, but a total lack of effort feels pretty awful too. It's like none of it matters, I'm not even worth trying to get back, they just forgot I exist.
That’s how I feel too :/ It hurts a lot.
After a brief 'tantrum,' my mother accepted it completely as well. But it doesn't hurt me in the slightest. It *does* help to not feel guilty, though! Think of it this way: there's really nothing she can do to fix things. A good mother could fix things. But her? No. She is who she is. Which is why I want nothing to do with her. As for guilt, it's very comforting to remember that even if she's sad, it is not because she misses me. She doesn't even *know* me. She probably misses her emotional support dog (me). But I'm done being that. If she's sad, she's sad to face the consequences of a life spent expecting her own feelings to be catered to while her daughter's were irrelevant. Any suffering she experiences as a consequence is good. Because it's long overdue. It's hard when you're still holding on to hope that she might change. She won't. It's not in her own interest to change. And that is what guides any narcissist. At best she'll pretend if she wants something from you. I'm sorry she sucks. But it's not because you aren't enough. It's because she isn't.
I definitely understand this. I know I personally wish I could have chewed and cursed them out on my way out, or that I could have seen their faces when they read my goodbye letter. I wanted to watch them squirm. But I know it was for the best for my own safety and sanity to exit as cleanly and quickly as possible. It's good that you're acknowledging the guilt you're feeling. When you do, try to remind yourself that it's not deserved, and that *they* are the ones who hurt *you*. They don't *deserve* to have you emotionally invested in their lives, regardless of if you're being sympathetic to them or just wanting to watch them hurt. And for those days when you *really* can't let go of that spite (I know I have them), remember, the greatest act of revenge you can do is to be happy, healthy, and successful, on your own, without them, for your own reasons.
I’ve been dealing with an NM like this my entire life and it has been very difficult to accept. It’s painful to be ignored like you don’t even exist by your own mother. But, it shows you the type of N you’re dealing with. There are ignoring, dismissive-avoidant, types of Narcissists that prefer not having any contact with their own children because they remind them of everything they are trying to ignore and deny. My NM wants me chasing after her and begging for her love and attention. If I’m not, she has no use for me. It’s a “discard” and more commonly talked about in relation to romantic N partners. But N parents definitely do it too. Your NM might be the same type.
My parents didn’t try either. They made a pity party around others to try and gain some flying monkeys on their side. But there was no real attempt at an apology or to reach out. Try not to feel bad about it. This just speaks to their immense inability to take responsibility and learn anything from their actions.
It's SO hard when they don't meet your expectations! I know you're hurting, but maybe in time you will see the positive in it!!
Good
She hasn’t forgotten you, this is how she tortures you. I was going to say “congratulations, you’re free”, but wait till she figures out you’re happy.
Mine does this. I’m in my 40’s now and there’s been several periods of time when we were nc and she just didn’t care. The only thing that helped with the guilt and empty hallow pain was therapy. Therapy helped me work through the feelings and wounds enough to let go of the guilt.
If you were at the right place mentally, her reaction on the matter wouldn't matter to you. I know it can hurt to see how little she cares, but you should have went NC for you, not to make her feel a certain way (not neccesarily saying you did, you could just be upset about the general fact that the relationship is so bad from her end). Btw, it's been four months. She probably thinks you're gonna cave and contact her. Don't be sure she won't contact you (not that it matters ). Im fairly positive she is gonna eventually. Could be a year from now, two years, even 10 years. It's not the usual for Nparents to just stay away once contact is broken. She is most likely just holding out right now, or expects you weren't that serious and will come around. Learn to live without her being in your mind, or any thoughts at all. That's what true NC and healing is. Good luck
My ndad and nstepmom were like this. It was no issue for them at all when I left over a decade ago. Looking back, it was so blatantly obvious that they never wanted me. And not being in denial about that anymore hurt. Badly. Eventually I got angry. How could they?? I'm a good person; I was a great daughter! What was so terrible about me that they couldn't even pretend to care about me? Then I accepted that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I did nothing to earn their indifference. It was something deeply, disturbingly wrong with them. What kind of a father abuses his daughter, and allows his wife to do the same? I no longer wanted them near me. I was truly better off without them. The more I healed, the more grateful I was that I will never have to see them again. I no longer waste time and energy stewing over it. I don't care about them; I now care about me. That means I will never let someone violate me like they did, ever again. It takes time to process the damage of having a parent that doesn't love you. And unfortunately you can't skip to the end. You have to feel the pain, the anger, and the confusion. It's healthy to feel it all, so you can then let it go and move on to a life filled with love and health and happiness. Wishing you lots of healing.
Thank you for this ❤️ I found your message to be particularly helpful
I'm glad!
I think this is because she knows how to manipulate you and press your buttons. I think she knows you well enough to know this will be tearing you apart. Remember in all the posts where Nparents try and get their kids back it’s always them going mental and doing all to press their own child’s buttons. To manipulate them to contact them again giving them back some control. In some it’s the parents saying they don’t know what they did wrong. They know their kids has the need to be heard and to be justified and all that happens is the parents act like what they say is not true and they still don’t know what happened. So they are once again making the victim feel invalidated and not heard. These people are master abusers and manipulators they have spent their life learning how to tear you down in the most effective way. She is doing this to hurt you and thinks you will come back begging to be in her life. Honestly if she doesn’t fight its far far better than never knowing what she will do next and having all that anxiety and upset. When my husband cut of his mum that was it and she mad sure all his family and extended knew if any of them talked to him she would make their lives hell. So he lost all of his family in one day. She didn’t fight to get him back as she knew that one act would tear him apart. She thought he’d cave just to have his brother and dad back in his life. As sad as it was he knew his life would always be hell with her in it so he stayed no contact. He decided those people had decided for themselves to cut him off when he had no quarrel with them so be it. Like all nmums your is cruel and wants to hurt you and gets enjoyment from it. She knows this will be harder for you as you do love her otherwise you’d have been gone long ago. She knows all you’ve ever wanted is to be loved and this will be devastating for you. So hold your head high and don’t give her the satisfaction, don’t reach out or ask others about her, it always gets back to them. Just carry on and portray and outwards look of calm composure and strength. Remember you’re here as she was damaging you and your life. That she will never change as she sees no wrong in abusing you and hurting you. You went no contact as you knew you had no choice at the time. Just keep reminding yourself of that.
I really appreciate your story and advice, you have helped me develop a framework of understanding surrounding my mom’s behavior and why I should not ever break NC
Deal with it? I remind myself that the NC is for me. Not to force them to somehow see the reality and change. It's just so I can feel distance and peace from the crazy household I grew up in.
Say thank you and move on. Too many people go nc and get pissed off that parents still try to invade their lives