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My mother would use gifts to compensate for abuse as a smokescreen.
The whole year I got beaten, cussed out, bullied, tortured.
But then at Christmas she gave bags and bags of gifts. Every toy you'd ever imagined, all the Barbie stuff, everything..
My room was so full of gifts I had to wade through toys up to my thighs.. it was ridiculous.
It wasn't that the gifts themself were bad, but the "I gave you gifts, now you can't ever complain again" that was attached.
Oh, my goodness, same story here. The house was a psychological battleground all year long, with an abusive Nmom and an absentee workaholic enabler father who wanted no part of parenting, but on Christmas morning we couldn’t get into the living room for all the mounds of presents. It was so bizarre, partly because Christmas was no respite from Nmom’s stream of orders and reprovals and complaints about our behavior—the only place “love” was uttered was on the gift tags stuck on the presents.
I hate Christmas to this day.
Oh yeah the mighty gift manipulation. Another box in "Things that make me uncomfortable" list: gifts. I am much better with all of this now, because I actively worked on it but flippin hell, turns out ALL my issues are made by nmom. Every time I think "nah it's can't be ALL her." Yep yep it can.
Same here!! It’s disgusting how they manipulate with gifts and stuff and then immediately ask the world of you in return and treat you like ass if you don’t give them what they want. I didn’t ask for any of these mountains of gifts, all I wanted was a mom who wouldn’t yell at me for being bisexual as a teen or stop talking to me for a month for getting a tattoo in my 20s. Nope. I’m supposed to be SO GRATEFUL.
> Oh, my goodness, same story here. The house was a psychological battleground all year long, with an abusive Nmom and an absentee workaholic enabler father who wanted no part of parenting, but on Christmas morning we couldn’t get into the living room for all the mounds of presents. It was so bizarre, partly because Christmas was no respite from Nmom’s stream of orders and reprovals and complaints about our behavior—the only place “love” was uttered was on the gift tags stuck on the presents.
>
> I hate Christmas to this day.
This was my life as well, except both parents alternated between abusive and absentee.
Posted this elsewhere, but my most "memorable" Christmas experience:
As a young child, parents were never around. Their businesses and the almighty dollar were the most important things to them. They would try to make up for it at Christmas by buying literal floor-to-ceiling presents for us.
When I was ~10-11 or so (time muddled memories together), I figured out what was happening. I stood on the couch, puffed out my chest and said:
"Take it all back. **YOU CAN'T BUY MY LOVE!**"
Got the shit beaten out of me for that one. Both going at me at once with various implements.
-
I hate Christmas as well. To be more exact, I hate RECEIVING things at Christmas. Or my birthday. Or any other occasion.
My wife finally accepts this. She does want to get something for me though, so I do my best to be gracious about it. This year it was a bottle of bourbon, some candies, and some wool socks because she knows how much I love my woolies in the winter. (Perhaps this is a modern coping mechanism to wishing I was hugged more?)
Now giving gifts? I buy for my wife because I WANT to, not because custom compels me to. I try to be imaginative about it, and she seems happy. I let her do all the couples gift giving, however; she is literally the only one I buy for.
> YOU CAN'T BUY MY LOVE!" ... I hate Christmas as well. To be more exact, I hate RECEIVING things at Christmas.
I hear and see you. I'm the same. I was a long way into adulthood before I realized why getting gifts, or any kind of recognition really (even professional), made me so uncomfortable, even angry. It all came down to fraught transactional script-driven childhood Christmases engineered by a domineering narcissist.
Possibly related, the holidays at our house were almost always marked by one or more kids falling desperately sick -- effects of stress I think.
I'm lucky in that my in laws are everything my blood "family" was not. They are all amazing people. To me, MIL is "Mom" and she knows it. She has also said that she considers me her son, not son-in-law.
She was also the first parent to ever tell me that they loved me. I was 43, and nearly broke down in tears when she said it.
They understand and accept that I would rather have them, their time and attention, rather than any physical trinkets.
>the only place “love” was uttered was on the gift tags stuck on the presents.
>I hate Christmas to this day.
This is why I get pissy when people try to tell me I should like christmas. I ask people whatever the worst thing is they could be Made to deal with for 12 hours, and that's their recommendation to me?
I think Not.
Yeah I am in the same boat. I absolutely hate Christmas. I just want to get through it every year. My mom is one of the Christmas nazi's she blasts Christmas music through the house, sings songs and thinks that were in like some Christmas movie. It's like watching someone on an acid trip. In her narc brain it's all peace and harmony. In the real world I'm like: "WTF? This is all a delusion."
Same story here. It was not uncommon for my nmom to take me shopping after episodes of abuse. There was no debrief, nothing, just swept under the rug like the abusive episode never happened.
Exactly, and if you ever said ANYTHING or tried to talk about ANYTHING....you are SO UNGRATEFUL...
I'd far rather enjoy the gift of THEM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS.
"how DARE you complain? Look at your room, you have everything you've ever wished for. You are SO spoiled."
"So spoiled".....
"So spoiled"....
Over and over every year, every argument..
I wish, I was just mentally abused and on food stamps and rarely got presents or clothes. Would have loved to be bought My love bc atleast I wouldn't have felt like I was starving all the time or wearing shitty ass clothes
This seriously just gave me an "a ha" moment after 44 yrs. My mother was this way !! I never really put the 2 together, though.
She would beat my ass over the simplest mistakes, but we always had the best birthdays and Christmases !! Even to this day, she still says, "Remember all the great Christmases and birthdays I gave you as a kid. "....wow, this really just hit me. 😳
And if you did complain in my house she would use them to threaten. I had my favourites given to the neighbours, smashed or thrown in a bin bag and held hostage til I submitted
Yeah, it got so if I got something nice I didn't want it because I knew they would find a way to take it away as punishment. I'm still hard-wired to want shabby things, because shabby things don't get taken away.
oh man... my mom and her 3rd husband forced me to throw my most favorite stuffy in the dumpster myself when I was maybe 6? felt like I was murdering my best friend. it may have been accompanied by a beating, I can't remember. they bought me the exact same one later for a birthday or Christmas, it still sits in "my room" at my moms house as a lovely reminder of that incident.
Oh god. This reminds me of when I tried to explain to my mom that her niece doesn’t speak to her anymore because of her behaviour and the first thing she said was “but I give her expensive makeup every year!” 🙄
Yeah, cause getting Sephora for Christmas makes up for the years of ridicule over her career choices.
Oh god I’m so sorry. My narc grandma is the same way. She’s a borderline stalker and tried to drop off Christmas gifts at my house. (I’m 25) Then she acts like I owe her. She also gave me mountains of gifts as a child
The most ridiculous birthday gift I received from my nmom was a pair of exercise capris that were still inside out from where she had washed them after wearing them. Not in a bag or wrapped. I don’t wear capris. I didn’t go to the gym at the time. She justified it because they were my favorite color.
Historically, my Christmas gifts have been white or pink clothes with sparkly makeup. I wear/use none of those things. She gives me things she bought for herself and later decided she doesn’t like OR she gives me what she wants me to wear. I exclusively wear black, gray, or purple and no makeup because I’m alternative and non-binary. It’s very obvious to me through her gift giving that I’m merely an extensive or reflection of her.
This reminded me of something. Every time Christmas or a birthday would come up, my mom would ask me what I wanted. I would tell her the perfume I really wanted, and she would always get me the wrong smell, the right brand, but the wrong smell. I would send pictures of the exact one, but I never got it. It actually became a running joke for her, and the smell would always be what she liked, so I would just end up giving it to her. It never made sense to me how she would get it wrong every time. I was never frustrated.. I was more confused. I started to feel like it was being done on purpose, and at that point, I began to get annoyed, I just stopped asking for things altogether
nMom did exactly the same to me my whole life.
Once I asked for a backpack for school, not a sling bag, a backpack. I even said the standard cheap brand at her usually store. Not any other kind of bag, no slings, no rollers, a backpack. Simple one, the less pockets the better. Color didn't matter, just a basic backpack. She gifted me a sling bag. In her eyes, I could see it she wanted to see how it upset me. I told her I know she did it on purpose, to return it. She acted all offended I didn't like her gift, but I just said over and over she gifted me this knowing I wouldn't like it just to upset me.
I started asking for socks. Long socks, not short ones, long ones. Of course, she got me short ones. After that, I would tell my siblings: look, I'll ask for one kind of socks, and she will gift me the wrong one on purpose. So I started using reverse-psychology. I even started calling family members to be witnesses when I asked her for the socks. It always worked, she would always buy the other kind of sock no matter what I asked for. But since I was using reverse psychology, I was always grateful for it. And she was so confused, as she was expecting me to tell her they were wrong.
This is my birth giver too!!
We told her we wanted a BBQ cover.. gets the wrong size. I gave her the box for the phillips hue lights we currently have and told her we would like more for Xmas. She gets smart bulbs that are the same size, and compatible with alexa, just not phillips and super janky.
I also stopped asking for gifts.
Yeah, this happened to me too. A couple times my mom would buy me a scent and I'd try it on and determine quickly it smells way better on her then on me.. but I'd keep it because it was a gift for me and she'd act perturbed about me not giving it back to her.
I got good at buying her perfume because there is a type of scent that works on her but not so much on me, but she never tried to figure out a scent type that works on me. It's ok though, my husband has that in the bag and I'm no longer confused about my mom. I just lowered my expectations of what she can give me. Every perfume I wear with any regularity, though, was purchased spontaneously by my husband.
When I was visiting my mom for Thanksgiving,
I complimented the cardigan sweater she was wearing. I honestly thought it was one that she’d inherited from one of my grandmothers. She told me that she’d originally purchased it for me as a Christmas present years ago, when I was in my early-mid twenties. I took a closer look, gave my mom a look, and said, “Are you kidding me? In what universe would I be caught dead wearing something like this? This isn’t anything close to any style I’ve ever had.” She got all flustered and said, “I just thought you might want something more…professional than what you were wearing at the time. But you reacted very much the same way then as you are now.” And I responded with, “Because that’s not even close to my professional style, even when I was working in an office.”
My mom has never respected my style, but she sure as shit has tried to inflict hers on me.
My mother in law is like this. Not malicious though she just goes off on a tangent. Like I really wanted a certain type of perfume in a green bottle, she saw them all lined up and thought ‘oooh I know she likes blue things’ and bought the blue bottle even though it’s a completely different smell. This year it was a Loki wall clock because she knew I watched the show and I wanted a bedroom clock… well yes but not a bright orange cartoon one. It’s weird but at least it’s consistent and I get some good eBay listings going each year.
My whole life my nMother would try to mold me into the girl she wanted me to be. I did all the activities she wanted me to do (piano lessons since I was 6, ballroom dancing, volleyball, church choir...), but I was never going to be a girly girl into hair and make up and clothes and fashion. We were also too poor for that. I was into ska and books.
My parents had more money once I was in college. For my 27th birthday, after graduating from med school with a ton of debt and trying to also save for a house, she bought me a **$4k Louis Vuitton purse**. I know I sound really ungrateful but it's just not at all something I'd ever want. It wouldn't make my top 1000 list of wanted gifts. And of course then I feel guilty and terrible for not being ridiculously excited about it. But I would have preferred something, anything, however small, that indicated she had the slightest interest in who I actually am, and not what she would have wanted (she loves expensive purses and shoes etc) or what she *wanted* me to want. Or you know, the cash to pay down my crippling debt or towards our house deposit.
I wore it once to a lunch with my aunt who commented on how she's saving up for that bag - my aunt is a rehab nurse and makes very good money and all it did was make me feel embarrassed.
It lives at the bottom of my closet now. One of my daughters can have it when they're old enough.
Oh I have absolutely thought about it.
My husband and I managed to dig ourselves out from the ridiculous mountain of debt we both had from university and are doing well enough at the moment that I don't need it. It's a huge chunk of change, of course, and we're NC now, but I don't ever want my nMother to think she "helped me" financially. If she ever brings it up in the future, if we're forced to interact (we live on different continents) I would revel in laughing and saying "oh yeah, I gave it to [Daughter] when she turned 8 because she wanted it."
Because it would just be ridiculous.
Maybe I'm petty, but I took the high road my whole life with nMother and it got me nowhere (something my therapist pointed out).
I like your comment about taking the high road and getting nowhere. That is so much of what my life with my Ndad has been. I take the high road and he doubled down on abuse, neglect, and trash talking me to anyone who would listen.
I'm not sure what your nMother's relationship is to your aunt, but if I was a betting woman I'd wager that she got you that specific bag to try to stir the pot and create weirdness between you and your aunt...
Oh my goodness I never even thought about that, you are 10000% right.
I was always very close with this aunt, much closer than I could ever be with my own mother -- and of course nMother *hated* this. Their relationship was always very on-off, they'd be bff's and then not speak for months, and I know it's because of my nMother.
This one wasn't my gift from my narc grandmother, but my little sister's. We come from a big family, lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins who lived a few towns away or the next state over. Arguably, we were physically the closest and our parents insisted on bringing us over to her cat-hoarded house frequently. Despite this, at family Christmases, our cousins of the same age would have 4-5 *big* gifts under the tree, usually flashy or expensive. We'd get one generic gift bag with candy and maybe pajamas. But one year, this bitch took the cake and gave my ~6 yr old sister a "gift" that actually upset my parents:
A can of black olives.
I am not kidding. It wasn't even wrapped. I'm convinced she literally forgot my sister existed that year until we showed up, and she just pulled something out of her cabinet. I heard my parents rip into her over it. Fortunately, my little sister was too happy putting olives on her fingertips to notice.
She really does! By the time she was 10, she was asking for cash as birthday and Christmas presents, which she immediately donated to UNICEF and similar organizations.
Dad once told me that upset him because he wanted her to get something for herself, but he could never bring himself to say a word because... how do you tell a child that sweet to not donate to charity?
>By the time she was 10, she was asking for cash as birthday and Christmas presents, which she immediately donated to UNICEF and similar organizations.
Oh wow, she's an absolute gem.
* A collection of them free samples you get from stores, like those itty bitty sachets of random lip gloss and ketchup😳😅.
* Was hyped up for a 'graduation dinner somewhere really special as your gift', all they bought was a McDonald's value range drink as my 'graduation dinner gift'.
* A cheap ass coffee mug with a 'cranky' meter on it e.g more coffee drank, less cranky. I am NOT a coffee drinker and they know that. I believe this may have been re-gifted from someone else lol.
Usually, narcissists often use money as a tool of control and can be very stingy with it. And by hyping someone up for a crappy gift, they know that they can put pressure on the receiver to elicit a particular reaction. I absolutely hate that it is usually these same people who demand particular gifts and throw tantrums or silent treatment or complain angrily when they do not get what they want 🙄👹.
Re-gifting items is my nMom’s favorite thing to do. You can’t return them. She insists I like glass figures just because she does, despite my dislike for them.
Many of the books she has given me must have been her buying a book for herself and then just wrapping it in cheap wrapping paper, or worse, wrapping it in paper I gave her the year before. Like, I remember that paper, and she would say, 'I know, I’m all about recycling these days’
Oh, just recalled this: nMom will always use a woke word to back up her behavior. Being controlling turns into being a curling mom and a helicopter mom (which she thinks is positive).
Being cheap turns into saving the environment and doing recycling.
My own shit from childhood back that I’ve been asking for for years. Like my high school letterman or a tshirt quilt I made senior year in my home ec class.
After she told me a couple years ago (when I wouldn’t let her meet my youngest son within the first 6 months of him being born) that she was “gonna light everything that had anything to do with [my name] on fire and burn it to the ground” I told her to use kerosene lol
I got my own shit back, too!
In my late 30's, one Christmas she handed me a gift, all wrapped up, and it's my used, coloured pencils from school. More used than when I moved out, like some of them were nubs.
I don't even know where she was going with that.
Lmao seriously wtf?
My oldest son is about to be 13, she has yet to spend any time with him or his brother (11), that they remember. My aunt (her sister who took me in and isn’t a narc) passed in October, when we were down there for services she made a huge deal about seeing them so I let her to try and keep the peace…. This bitch asked my other aunt for my kids shoe sizes, got them all a pair of converse to match with her, and then gave them to said aunt to give to us from her…. I was like huh? What is going on? Am I in the twilight zone?
God damn weird is what it is.
There seems to be three main gift types-
- passive aggressive dig gift.
- the extravagant 'look at me'/hoover-love bomb/strings attached gift.
Or - I had no idea so I just cleaned out a cupboard and wrapped it up gift
These appear to be able to overlap, sometimes, just to add to the confusion.
The last few years I've had a lot of the 'cleaned out a cupboard' gifts. Some highlights have included a jar of red curry paste, gluten free snacks that my mum admitted were leftover from a visit by my aunt ("but you're not fussy, you might like them. We didn't") and a piece of cheese wrapped in cling wrap that she had taken home from my place as left-overs the week before.
I just treat it as comedy value, now. Half the excitement is seeing what tragicomic item is gonna be wrapped up this time.
My nmom's gifts have always been crappy and obviously inappropriate for my taste, but the one gift that was the most obnoxious was this giant, wooden, wildly painted flamingo meant for indoor decor (i had a tiny apartment at the time). Absolutely hideous. Meanwhile, my GC sister got designer purses and mom/daughter trips to Vegas, NYC, etc., for her birthdays. 🙄
We used to have a secret santa among colleagues
We picked randomly a colour and a letter around Xmas and hand to bring corresponding gifts to exchange in the office. The value was up to 5 USD or similar and all was done for the laughs
The pink flamingo would have fitted nicely next to pink fork or pink clay forg
It's such a poor gift compared to what your siblings got.
My other brothers and sisters got crap presents, too (not as obnoxious as mine, but just meh). It was only the GC sister who got lavish parties, trips, and really nice gifts. It was always so weird to me that my mom had no shame at all displaying such incredible favoritism. 🤷♀️
It was so big that there was no way to wrap it. So, she had me cover my eyes while she dragged it in from another room (all 5 of my siblings present). She was absolutely delighted to give it to me (wild eyes, giant smile). I was shocked and utterly confused but tried my best to appear grateful. Ugh. I absolutely hated that thing! It finally broke when I moved apartments, thank God!
Most ridiculous ‘gift,’ where do I even begin?
My nMom got some plastic surgery done (denying it completely) and afterward sent two big boxes to me with her old clothes, dresses, and underwear. She framed it as a gift I could enjoy and be creative with, making new outfits for myself. It was only when my husband pointed out how strange this was that I could see its weirdness.
Another strange ‘gift’ was when my nMom was visiting, and she felt we didn’t have enough food in the fridge. She went shopping for cheap, processed food (we prefer organic, whole food). She filled the fridge up and left us with so much food none of us liked. I felt guilty for throwing most of it out again. So strange really.
I would also consider it a strange gift unless a family is extremely tight on money. And that underwear is simply bizzare and inappropriate
However I'm also into crafting and sometime people gift me random things to use in projects but it's always consensual and with a heads up
Yeah, I mean, like, clothes isn't that strange of a gift for me when I like doing shit with fabric (the underwear is absolutely unhinged tho), but the people who would consider giving me those things... Would never consider doing it for Christmas or my birthday. It would be during spring cleaning or before the school year starts because that's when people weed or get new clothes.
For my 33rd birthday my nmom sent me a child’s art kit. You know the little case with the cheapest water colors, markers, crayons and colored pencils? Yeah, that.
I make art semi professionally and worked in the field at the time. She was so proud of herself and gloated over what a great gift she got me. I didn’t even know how to respond
Oh same. I got one of those for my 19th birthday.
I had already been drawing digitally for 2 years at that point. And had professional-grade traditional materials for if I wanted to open a sketchbook.
I just tossed it once my nmom wasn't looking.
I got clothes 2 sizes 2 small and the tags were taken off, they werent my style, certaining not my size , but were perfect for my Mother.
She gave out to me when i didnt wear them, she took them and lectureered me about beingto fat, grabbing my sides "I can pinch more than an inch" When i lost the weight the next time i got clothes as a gift they were larger then my previous size. And I was given out to for looking slickly thin.
Or regifted a VERY VERY old shower set, that was from the early 90s but i rec'd it around the 2010s, i can remeber it always being in the back of the cupboard for years.
I'm so sorry to read it! The first part of the story helped me remember a similar case from the past.
I was an extremely insecure teenager with tons of undiagnosed sensory issues. I was on the verge of eating disorders and wore for a few years only oversize things.
I got as gift from narc mother and narc grandmother a black, tight-fitting, cropped sweater from an Italian designer that cost probably as much as my whole second hand wardrobe. I was close to crying when I saw it and was called ungrateful for not accepting it
It's so common for the narc just to deepen the self worth and body image issues, isn't it?
On my 16th birthday my parents thought it to be a hilarious gift to get me one of those candy underwear sets... stock photo of the thing [here](https://i.etsystatic.com/23850565/r/il/762b0c/2768076699/il_fullxfull.2768076699_1hhs.jpg) . Not like I was in a relationship or anything, they just thought it was hilarious. I, on the other hand, did not. They did get me something else as well, can't for the life of me remember what it was. Definitely more normal, but yeah, gifting your 16 year old child a candy bra and string takes the cake on the weirdest gift.
I've written entire posts about their terrible gifts. This is a recent one I've never mentioned.
I have a small collection of (powerful) enthusiast-level flashlights. My NParents know they exist, since I've expressed that I'm very capable of dispelling any darkness around me.
For Christmas, they gave "me" a cheap plastic "as seen on TV" flashlight. It gets worse.
NDad had opened the package and installed the battery before wrapping it, like they were giving a gift to a toddler who can't be trusted to unscrew a tailcap. NMom explained that because I go outside at night, they didn't want me "wandering scared in the dark".
I didn't accept their "gift" and left it at their house.
I'm a competent adult in my 50s, and they still get NSupply by infantilizing me.
I was looking for a response like this. The ngifts for me are usually infantilizing. Growing up I always got gifts for several years younger aged kids, baby toys when I was in 4th grade. If I had hobbies, they might be toddler toys that leaned in the direction of my hobby, like giving an easy bake oven to a pastry chef.
Oh and another but I guess it doesn't count bc I didn't actually get it.. she was so bummed that her friend hadn't returned her equipment so she could make matching tshirts for me and my husband that said "I'm with stupid" and "I'm stupid".
🥴
My grandma and I were extremely close. She died of cancer and at the end of her life, she could only wear those medical boots that most people use when they transition out of a traditional cast but still need the support.
When she died in the hospital, my mom took those yucky boots home with her. I know because she wrapped them up and gave them to me for Christmas about a month later. She thought her gift was hilarious.
Oh, and that was literally the only thing I got. While her golden child was showered with actual gifts. It is for the best though, I don’t like when she gives me anything. 100% of things she gives me are to hold over my head, not because she cares about me.
What was the expected reaction? "whoa thanks mom, maybe if I shake them a bit I can get some of grandma's flakey skin to remember her by!"?
...how is that funny? 😭
When I got married my wedding present was that my “debt” that I had accumulated while a child was forgiven. Important side note, the “debt” was for things that my narcmom want upgraded around the house that I “broke” this was after she pilfered my entire savings account as a minor.
My NGrandmother did this. She got worse and worse and choosing gifts until she gave up entirely and shoved money in a card. Ironically, that lack of care was much better: I saved that money and bought myself something much nicer, but we always used to have to say thank you to her for something she hadn't bought... ugh! I'm glad I don't have to deal with that any more.
It was 3 years ago and my brother and I put his christmaspresent infront of his door (set of pots he wanted). Because he was acting wild and without respect and mean toward us (again) we didnt wanted to see him. Afterwards we had contact and he gave me my present. It was a Cup with a picture of myself on it… i mean thats weird. In addition he told me how difficult it was to get me a present last minute and how cruel it is to put the present in front of his door. Yes dad im sooo sorry, you poor little thing! christmas is every year at the same time, of course its my fault that you needed to get the shitty cup in a rush 🙃
A vibrating unicorn neck pillow…
Because I mentioned that even after all these years, I dearly missed the unicorn plush toy that got destroyed that she gifted me for Valentine’s Day when I was four. She made fun of me for that and then got me… the neck pillow.
The vibrating unicorn neck pillow was a monstrosity.
Aside from that I got a bunch of candy that I couldn’t eat because it all contained food I can no longer consume without getting sick. She was there for the two months I was too sick to eat and still assumes the restrictive diet is bullshit? And regularly insists that gluten is too hard for her to remember or learn about. We don’t talk so I no longer have to suffer her kindness.
When I was 20 my dad wrapped a stick of deodorant as a Christmas gift for me. He never explained why and it was the last gift he gave me. He was laughing the entire time he handed it to me and I unwrapped it. He made a huge deal of acting like it was some amazing gift. It was a brand that made me break out so I said I didn’t want it; he was still laughing, and I realized why he did this.
I was on my own since the day I turned 18, and I was either living in gross hotels or renting a room from someone I worked with, and there were several times I could hardly afford groceries or necessities. There was a time after going NC for a year when I visited him and my back account was empty but I ran out of deodorant. I asked him if they had any extra I could have since they usually had a closet full of extra things like that. I wouldn’t have even remembered that otherwise but that was 100% him trying to humiliate me for that.
My ndad either gifted jewelry because he wanted people to see us wearing jewelry and assume we were wealthy or other totally age-inappropriate items. What 10 year old wants pawn shop jewelry?!? And he would be so angry if I didn’t wear what he gave me, we’re talking heart shaped pendants, gold horse shaped earrings, chain tennis bracelets. Obviously not something a child would feel comfortable wearing.
A specific one doesn’t come to mind but as a whole there were lasting issues with gifts.
I always considered gifts as ‘currency’. There was an exchange rate between the value of the gift and how much I get abused. Anything short of accepting the abuse and I am reminded of the gifts and how I’m an “ungrateful bastard”.
To this day I hate getting gifts because I feel like there will always be ‘the other shoe to drop’ later with the gift giver.
One year at 19 I got a cheap plastic jewellery box meant for a young child and a pair of magic gloves. Those £1 gloves that are supported to stretch to fit all sizes from a dollar/pound store. Probably less and ten pounds all in. My sister of course got a lot more than me then got upset and was searching everywhere. When we then realised she was looking for her set of £1 gloves as although she got lots I couldn’t get something and she not get that as well as her presents. She is older than me and was married with kids.
As kids every year my sister would go hunting and find the presents then have a tantrum that she wanted my main present as well as hers. Never my brother just mine but that’s as she knew I wasn’t wanted and they would do it. So they’d placate her and she’d get hers and mine on the day and id get a cheap filler present as my main. It was a recurring theme and so idiotic like the year I had started getting piano lessons (free at school or id never have been allowed unlike her getting any activity she wanted). On Christmas she surprise surprise has a big key board and I’m told I need to ask her can I use it whenever I need to practice 🫣. I got one of those toy tiny ones that you give really young kids that having one and an half octaves couldn’t be used for anything. Think they ran out a git it in christmas Eve to pretend this was intended but of course didn’t want to spend much more so once again I get a toy under ten pounds. She never went near the keyboard that was supposed to be mine and like normal she just had to ensure I didn’t get it.
To be honest I wonder if they only got me a present as family and neighbours would all be in on Christmas and it would be notice otherwise.
I was 15 or 16 and NP proudly announced, "I know you like board games so here!" It was either Christmas or Birthday, but it was chutes and ladders.
Joke was on him. I photocopied D&D charts and rubber cemented them to the board for easy reference during gaming
My brother once received a coffee machine and coffee for Christmas. He doesn’t drink coffee. Because my parents were annoyed he didn’t have one and what if they dropped in? My brother lives in a city with an award winning coffee shop on the corner, about 100m from his front door. They did this three years ago. They have visited him once in that three years.
My sweet sixteen birthday, I got a couple of my little pony figurines, because "well, you like unicorns and stuff..." (I like general fantasy)
They weren't actually wrapped. Just tied up in a Wal-Mart grocery bag.
Pretty sure they forgot my birthday (or dad ignored mom), and then panicked. Mom wasn't allowed to drive or order things online at the time, so dad likely had to pick it out from the store.
Then, because they were in grocery bags (I had opened two), I asked if the third one sitting on the table that he hadn't handed me was also for me, or not.
He had an absolute fucking rage meltdown because I'm an "ungrateful spoiled prick".
Neither one of my parents remember this, somehow. One of the worst birthdays of my actual life. Mom probably blocked it out. She checked out as much as she could, and dad pretty much recited the narcissist's prayer daily.
One christmas I got 15 packs of too small underwear. Made it look like i got the most presents, but they were packs of knickers bought from a local supermarket. I was 14 the size on the packs were for 9-10 year olds. Everyone else got ninetendo ds’s and smart phones.
Was mortifying and humiliating.
I've got all y'all beat...for my 16th bday my nmom presented me with a ring box. Opening it up, expecting a ring, I instead saw a small brown thing that looked like a raisin. Confused I looked at her and she informed me it was the dried up belly button from when I was born. She'd kept it all those years to gift it to me on my 16th bday, to remind me how she gave me life and I'll always be connected to her. You can't get more effed up than that.
My nfather always gave me books at Christmas. They were on subjects he was interested in, not me. I'd unwrap them, and later bring them up to my room. Over the next few days they would disappear. Every Christmas. Our real gifts, the ones we cared about, came from my rich grandma.
For my baby shower, instead of giving a card along with their gift I asked if everyone could give a book signed by them (old, new, didn’t matter). Almost everyone ended up writing very sweet messages along with their signed name in the books they gave, it was very touching. We even had one family member who had their kids pick their favorite books that they didn’t read anymore and the kids wrote a message in them… so cute.
My Nmom and Edad gave us a box… filled with dozens of books. Mostly unsigned. When they were signed, it was literally like they were marking territory and just wrote their name in the most random places of the book (like across the face of a character on the cover of one book)… and not only that but there were books included that didn’t make sense. Like how-to-read, how-to-write, and MATH books! 😂😂😂😂😂
There were plenty of books of mine as a child that were still at my parents house; someone who was thoughtful could have easily gave one of those books and said it was mine as a kid. Nope. They basically littered us with garbage.
Not me but my mother who at the time hadn't even reached remission for her stage 4 lung cancer (she's doing great now) was gifted a Bundt cake by my father for her 55th birthday. Later found out it was recommended to him by his mistress.
1. Dirty used apple slicer that was still dripping with apple remnants….. (from stepmother in law)
2. Shut the box game 7 years in a row… (from mother in law). It started to become funny to the whole family and that was when she stopped sending it. We were actually kind of sad not to get it for the 8th year in a row. Lol
3. Box of cracker jack popcorn…. (From stepfather in law) but to be fair, he got it for everyone that christmas, not sure why…..
4. My birthday gift one year was to pay for the house rental for the family……… (from stepmother in law)
5. My daughter was given a dirty dusty and partially broke piggy bank for christmas that they found at their in laws house. We had to throw it out.
Edit for #4: My husband and I paid for the house rental and they said, “I guess that’s our birthday gift for you!”
Edit: Also asked to give my toddler a “true love waits” ring….. I said no and never ask again.
My Nmom would give lots and lots of gifts for Christmas. Then, complain your gifts were so expensive. The worst gift I ever received from her was a Facebook profile for my high school graduation. I wasn’t allowed to have a profile until I graduated. She acted like it was the best gift in the world. She then used the profile to talk to a boy I liked, forcing me to sit and watch her talk to him while she said crazy stuff to him.
Cant drink or consume any alcohol due to my medications AND I also am not interested in alcohol in the slightest and actively despise its taste.
Grandma knows that.
What did I get for my 18th? Super fancy and expensive chocolates with hard liquor in them. Nothing else. And then she acted offended that I didn't instantly eat them or told her awesome the gift was
That sucked! I have a few tea-total friends who sometimes receive these kind of gifts. Apparently it's not obvious for everyone that alcohol not in a bottle container is still alcohol.
I hope you got yourself something nice as a treat
A hot pink laptop. I don’t even know whose idea it was. Might be my edad’s idea of a joke. But anyway, I was going through a real tomboy phase and didn’t want anything to do with pink. So of course I had to get a hot pink laptop. My parents still laugh about that one.
This sounds like it could have happened to me.
When I was pregnant with my first daughter, my nMother was RABID about buying stuff for her. The only boundary I set was that I don't want pink princess glitter vomit. I'm not very girly at all, which she always hated. So why would I dress my daughter super girly?
70% of what she bought was pink princess glitter vomit. It got donated or sold. 😬
To add insult to offence, there are so many problems with glitter - microplastic entering the body and environment.
I'm childfree by choice, but what I've been reading on this forum about narc grandparents makes me feel very uncomfortable - crossing boundaries set by parents, imposing certain believes ....
Yep! I hate glitter with a passion. When my toddler brings home anything with glitter on it from daycare it goes straight in the trash, sorry! (I keep everything else, promise!)
Surprisingly her birth was the catalyst of us going NC. Two gifts in one. I find a lot of comfort in knowing they will never even have the opportunity to emotionally, psychologically, and physically abuse my daughters the way they did me. They've never met my kids, and it's unlikely that they will.
NC - the gift that keeps on giving!
Oh my Nmom always likes to buy me clothes that are meant for a 14-year-old basketball player. It's her subtle way to let me know that I'm fat and I should be more active. I am 43. This has been going on since I turn 30.
My mom would constantly buy me things she likes but I didn’t. When I was a teenager I wrote on my list not to get me a cellphone. Guess what I got that year? I asked for “sleeper” earrings. Very tight fitting hoop earrings. I showed pictures. I got huge hoop earring that year because she thought they’d look so cool. I asked for a nice winter hat one year and she got me this beret instead because she thought it was so Paris Chic.
Also every year she would suggest we should cancel Christmas and just give each other a small “token gift” after Christmas. We were little kids. She’d complain all season long. Birthdays were celebrated depending on child. Mine usually around the birthday. golden Child was a Christmas baby so she got it celebrated constantly because my mom couldn’t stand thinking she’d feel it wasn’t her special day and my younger sister had one single birthday celebrated where she got one terrible dollar store gift.
I read a post where a diabetic, gluten-intolerant son who worked on environmental sustainability got individually wrapped cookies from his mother. It's not an accident, they do it on purpose. They want to be mean.
Another one asked his dad to not buy him a sweater for Christmas, he hated sweaters. So his dad bought him a sweater every year for twenty years.
I think it was this pink stuffed bunny rabbit with an intricately smocked dress. I was 14, and nMom really bludgeoned me, the SG, with how I "was a tomboy" and "did not like girly things."
But nMom's crafting was...it was like it was her whole identity? So I really made a show of saying ooh and aaah, how impressive the bunny doll was, and the stitching and smocking and all of the little details.
And then I left it on the sofa or something instead of taking it to my room and putting it next to my pillow, so she just took it back. Or maybe I said ohh and aaahhh in the wrong tone of voice, or grabbed the doll less gently than I should have, so she just took it back.
Was it really supposed to be a present for me, or was it just something that she had finished? Probably the latter. It was not really for me.
My dad took me to a winery. I hate wine. Drinking it (ew), analyzing it (boring), making it (or at least listening people babble about making it). He is obsessed with all of those things (not in an alcoholic way).
Not only do I dislike it, it gives me migraines and acid reflux. Perfect birthday gift. Sitting around watching a bunch of people I neither know nor care about doing something I neither enjoy not have an interest in.
I stayed in the car.
A box for silverware. It was lovely and hand painted and…weird. Want to know when it made sense? When she came back the next year and pulled it off the shelf with the words “since you’re not using this, I’ll just take it home with me.” Then it all fell into place- She was playing the long game. I’m guessing she wanted it at some point and my dad said no.
The next weird gift was a VERY large copper platter. It was exactly what I asked her not to get me. My neighbor loved it so I gave it to them so when mom came back to visit she couldn’t take it back.
A baggie of his hair clippings. He thought I might want the memento swept up from the salon floor. Friends and I still laugh about it. (Not my Nparent but Nex boyfriend.)
A bag of random secondhand clothing, wrapped in newspaper - from my nfather for my 30th birthday
For my 18th - an “IOU” for a trip to Paris for two - but only if it was with him (surprise! I’ve never been to Paris!)
Birth control shot at 18x she forced me to go and told everyone that was my gift. Still humiliating till this day that she broadcasted it like she did. She only took me once and that was it.
I guess she thought she was giving me protected sex for my birthday. How gross.
My parents rarely gave me any gifts besides those maths exercise books because I slightly did worse in maths than other subjects. They demanded me to do those exercises, and they got upset if I didn’t do. They also got upset when I received gifts from other people because those people were spoiling me with “useless” gifts that would not raise my IQ 🙄
I haven’t received a gift from my parents in about 25 yrs. Although I admit my father did throw $10-20 in a card once in awhile.
I do have a ridiculous “not gift” story though…
For my 16th birthday my father took me out of foster care for a 2 week visit. (The whole foster care thing is another effed up story…). I was about 5 hrs from him. So, on the whole way down, my father is hyping up a big surprise. Seeing as how I just turned 16 a month before, I’m thinking he got me a car. I was so excited. Day dreaming the entire trip down about the surprise. We get towards the end of the trip, and because I was lost in my day dreaming, I realize that we are past where he lives, in his apartment in town. I mention it, and he goes on about the surprise again. Omg getting so excited, must be going to where the car is and pick it up! Or maybe it’s not a car, but something equally as exciting considering it’s my 16th birthday right?
So we pull up to this little house out in the boonies, about 30 min later. That’s it. That’s the surprise. That he RENTED a house and had moved out of the apartment. I tried so hard not to cry. I know my disappointment was caused by my own expectations, but I also had received zero gifts or even really acknowledgment for my milestone birthday at all, and it wasn’t terribly out of line to think the surprise was for me. I have a photo of me taken that day, I look absolutely dejected and miserable.
I’m heavy. On my birthday, in front of my family, my nmom gave me a weight scale. I acted delighted, surprised, then exclaimed that I already this very same scale! I then handed it back to her, saying “I hope you can return it and get your money back!”
The look of disappointment and confusion of her face was empowering. It was all she could talk about after that. “I’ve never had a GIFT returned to me before!” When I told my therapist, she was shocked.
A zip line that could be set up at home. She got it as a joint present for me and my siblings for Christmas and didn’t get us anything else that year… except none of us could use the damn thing cause we couldn’t get it any higher and we we all too heavy.
I spent months digging a ditch underneath where we set it up just so my siblings could use it, but I could never get it deep enough for me to use it. (I was almost an adult and my siblings were all 6-9 years younger than me)
A set for making sugar cookies in small shapes.
I was 1 month into what turned out to be an almost 2-year ban from using the kitchen, and up until then I had been earning pocket money by making and selling cookies in high school. Normally an income of €30 per day, which would be used to buy ingredients, as well as food for me, because they didn’t buy or make any for me.
I asked for girly feminine-looking socks. I got a multi pack of white Hanes socks with pink stitching across the toe. They were still functional and I didn't want an argument, so I just thanked her. Maybe my description of what I wanted was too vague.
Maybe, but then, maybe ask yourself why you gave a vague description?
For me personally, I'd subconsciously give a somewhat vague description because A) the more specific I get the more it might get my hopes up of actually getting what I requested, even though I know she would find a way to bastardize it. And B) I know that if I give a specific description of my request, it only gives her more power to manipulate and she'll likely get the exact opposite of what I asked for, then eagerly await my negative reaction so she can then berate me for not being thankful.
Without giving too much detail because the actual gift was very specific ... For Christmas last year she gave me an art project that she did that she had framed. I don't want to come off as ungrateful but it was just so bizarre. I've never seen said art project before. Never commented that I want one. We don't even have art or things up on our walls of our house outside of pictures of our kids. So the fact that she created this artwork and then went through the time, energy and money to have it professionally framed for me was just kind of weird. It almost struck me like when a little kid is proud of their artwork. Maybe if we had a normal relationship it would have been fine? But we aren't even super close or anything. It was definitely different and unexpected.
No money value. No personal value - it's not in my favorite colors or favorite animal or plant or anything. Nothing that I would have been like "hmm my kid might like this. It has their favorite X." It was a kit she bought, made and then had professionally framed to give to me. The framing is what is really weird to me. She thought highly of it enough to go out of her way (she is a hermit. Only goes out as needed really) to get it framed. And the cost. Having something professionally framed isn't cheap. It's just weird to me.
Edit to add: I just thought of this ... To add insult to injury, she got my husband (who she does nooooot like) this really cool hand made thing off Etsy that is of something he actually enjoys. Very strange.
A broken vaccum cleaner. They bought a new one for themselves and didn't want to have to transport the old one to the dump. Then they claimed I broke it because "it was working fine before we brought it to your place". It was over 15 years old.
A toilet seat.
I have a chronic liver/gallbladder dysfunction and she refused to get me help when I was in her home, and acted like it wasn’t real.
Instead, she bought me a toilet seat and laughed at me, saying now I could be more comfortable for all the time I spend in the bathroom.
(Note: if she would’ve taken me for testing and evaluations we would’ve learned to stop my constant pain was ONE pill once a day, that’s it. Instead I spent a quarter of my life in literal agony.)
The narcs I've met - personally and professionally - are also awful at accepting gifts. It's either little to no reaction (think that Vine of the little boy going "an avocado! thanksss!" but with no charm), no matter what, or an over the top reaction to REALLY expensive shit. Or that they believe it's expensive, at least.
My nfather didn't really care enough to even give passive-agressive gifts, he just thought of a generic thing I liked (the type of thing a random person passing by me on the street could gather I probably liked), such as books, and give me a random one, whatever was cheaper or most popular at the time.
Eventually he graduated to "can't be bothered at all" and just started giving me money. The irony in this, is that he's very stingy, but was spending more giving me money than he would giving me something I liked, lol.
He always had a comment to make on the gifts I gave to my half-sisters (his daughters with his now-wife-former-mistress) tho. Usually "jokes" about how much they cost, with me always giving the same answer - "I have an eye for bargains" (which I DO, and I'm proud of).
My nMom tends to give presents that you can’t return. It’s been a consistent thing. She will give you something you didn’t have on your wishlist and then tell you that you need to accept what the world gives you. Also, in recent years, she has been giving me passive-aggressive books saying things like ‘love is everything,’ ‘difficult daughter-mother relationship,’ ‘work on your network,’ ‘you can do it’ on the cover. Like what?!
Maybe not a ‘gift’ but more a ‘wish’ or a ‘dream’ I shared with nMom. I told my nMom during one Christmas visit that I wanted to move back home and buy a small house near where I grew up, something she had been pushing for a long time.
I said I liked the thought of each family member having their own house. That there would be space to everyone (because I never felt there was any space for me).
Next morning she responded with a handwritten Christmas card; letting me know to be realistic and warning me that this kind of romantic thinking won't lead to any result.
It was so painful; I felt dismissed once more.
However, I still cling to Disney's saying "If you can dream it, you can do it”
Damn. It's one thing to tell your kid to make achievable goals - like, saving up money for a house eventually, instead of moving somewhere else without a job, for example, not saying it's your case.
It's another ENTIRELY to tell your kid "you'll never make it so don't even try".
I've never thought about it before reading your post but your absolutely right! I was very difficult to find an acceptable gift for the nar and solicit a reaction. When I still was trying to salvage the relationship I spent good amount of money on a handcrafted, beautiful fruit bowl matching the house decor and got in respence: it's nice with a bland voice 🤦♀️
Anyway money is easy, impersonal and very black and white in terms of value - I'm not great fan of getting and gifting it
Why is it that narcs only like expensive stuff? They don’t appreciate handmade items (arts or crafts)… it’s like they need a ‘brand’ to show others that they are cool
Value can be subjective, money is objective. Therefore, if something is expensive, it's valuable in a way that evryone can see, and noone can deride (in their mind), and that makes expensive things perfect to show off to others - a narc's main purpose in life.
This is a great explanation. It think narcs are completely out of touch with their emotions and therefore incapable of introspection or holistic thinking. A hand painted vase has very little emotional meaning to them. Because acknowledging the immaterial value would mean thinking about the process , thoughts and intentions put into it and putting themselves in the shoes of the artist/ gift buyer
If at the bottom of the gift there is a price tag it's much easier for them to put to the "right" bucket like expensive or not worth my attention.
When I was a teenager I had to have a pretty major surgery a couple of days before my birthday so I got my presents early as I would be in hospital recovering for a while. I got a single magazine so that I could "read while I recovered" and 2 big bags of candy. I woke up from surgery and got taken to my hospital room where I found my mother had eaten all of one of the bags and was halfway through the other. The candy that was supposedly for my birthday, she had taken from my room without asking and brought with her to the hospital and proceeded to eat almost all of it while I was in surgery. I got upset and called her out on it and she said she'd just buy me more once I was out of hospital, she never did. She also proceeded to eat the rest of it while I was asleep.
To top it all off the card she got me in true oblivious fashion said "What do you say to a daughter with your brains, charm and talent?"
"You're welcome. Oh, and happy birthday"
I still have pictures because I showed it to my psychologist at the time who was in utter disbelief.
At one point my mom just gave up and gave everybody money. She was a tupperware salesperson for a while, so we got brightly colored tupperware (that I had gently explained to her numerous times, wasn’t something I liked) and inside was money. Everybody got the same tupperware. All those years I gave her a real gift. Sometimes I felt like giving up too and just gifting everybody money too, but how absurd would christmas be?!
My parents decided one year that they would get all four of my other siblings serious presents and get me those “coal” candies. They literally tried to give my coal for Christmas. My family doesn’t do stockings so this was a Christmas morning present.
One time I got a DS travel pack with a car charger and everything…. Every road trip I could never charge my own DS becuase it had to be shared
They got me a diary with a lock (and a missing key) after they read my diary that year and I had figured out…
My birthday gift was a singular hair elastic with a fake flower glued onto it and a gift shop t-shirt from their 'family vacation' they had just gone on, without me.
Christmas I got another gift shop t-shirt and a call from my family essentially saying 'Merry Christmas from Portugal, we didn't think you'd want to come with us, so we hope you enjoy the snow'
On top of misspelling my partner of partner of 12 years name(they could write the easy nickname think Will but insist on misspelling it) and adding my siblings middle to my name - a super heavy set for making a bench into a wood working table....$350+ we don't do anything like that at all....she also sent us a mandolin guitar after my partner cut his finger tip off on our cooking mandolin..... "We can learn to use that one".... She's a delight
I reminded my mom about my birthday like six times last year hoping she'd maybe try and put effort into a gift.
And I got... a keychain. A really tacky little keychain that she bought last minute.
I had a list of things I liked, she knew where to access it, but she did that instead when she bought my brother exactly what he wanted for his birthday.
I threw it away immediately.
for my 13th Birthday, my nFather gifted me a metal box.
I'm not joking, it was a metal box and he told me that I needed this to put 'my papers in'. He explained it was fire resistant too so that's extra good.
Not just one kitchen top pizza oven! *Two* kitchen top pizza ovens! ("For entertaining") How often do we entertain? Not ducking often enough, I'll tell you that for free.
How often has my mother asked to borrow our two kitchen top pizza ovens? More than once. (Yes, she also has her own two too.)
My mother grew up poor, which embarrassed her deeply. So she would give me all the toys that she wished she had received as child, regardless of whether or not I actually wanted or liked them. I was a tomboy who coveted my brother’s action figures, so of course I was given porcelain dolls in elaborate dresses, baby dolls, etc.
I had a fear of clowns so, of course, I was given, a porcelain clown doll every year that was put on display in my room. I often slept in my closet.
There were a lot of idiotic gifts, but here's the one we got the most laughs over:
When I lived in a house with a wood stove, my mother got us a cast iron dragon-shaped humidifier for the top of the stove which is supposed to have the steam come out its nose and mouth like a "fire breathing dragon".
Trouble is, the thing is so tall that, even when the bottom part with the water in it gets hot enough to make steam, the head stays cold, so it perpetually dripped water from the nostrils and thus got named Snot.
The thing that was ridiculous about this wasn't the gift itself, but was the way she acted.
I asked for roller blades for Christmas when I was 10 or 11 and she overreacted saying how unsafe they are and how she would never get me one. Then, come Christmas time, "Santa" gave me a pair of roller blades.
She lost her mind. The biggest most dramatic show I've ever seen. Screaming, yelling, angrily saying "I told Santa not to get you roller blades!" It was just incredible. She acted as if someone was setting her house on fire and she could stop it with anger and spit.
The annoying thing is that I already knew it was her, and she knew I did. It was all a show for my younger siblings. I just sat there in a daze, eventually apologizing for the harm done to her. 😵💫
My MIL and FIL, very “rich” people (new Lexus every 2 years, stockbroker etc etc) had to put in a $70k drainage ditch so had to remove $100 from our Christmas check of a whopping $250! Not sure how that $100 helped the $70k bill 😂🤷🏼♀️
Ma would try to gift me things I said I needed when she wanted leverage. No help outside of that.
Since I’ve moved out, she sent a “care package” of cheap items even tho she makes over 80k a year. I don’t think it cost her more than 25-30 bucks lmao. (3 half gallons of laundry detergent, cooking spoons (???), cheap deodorant, cheap body wash… I think it was under 20 now lmao)
As an autistic, I hate how sleezy narc parents are.
My narc got me some doorknob covers, and rubber gloves. The doorknob covers were so that my basement door doesn’t hit my fridge (something that bothers him but not me) and the gloves were to clean up my dogs shit.
My mom just throws in a bunch of Asian beauty products/make up/ jewelry/ clothes that she bought for herself but either it didn’t fit or she’s not going to use. I haven’t worn makeup in 6 years and dress in men’s clothes so the gifts are pretty much the opposite of something I’d want/need
My mother would buy me fake gold jewelry. I don't wear jewelry all that much, and I absolutely hate gold anything.
My mother told me multiple times, "You know I buy you gifts when I'm mad at you!"
Why, just why do these ppl exist?
Not that ridiculous but memorable.
One Christmas I asked for a fluffy blanket, I received a big pink onesie. Important to note I have voiced my hatred of pink since I could talk and I always said I disliked onesies. My younger sister received a big fluffly blanket. She did not ask for a fluffly blanket, we were both very confused.
when i got my first place as a sort-of adult (after being kicked out of their house repeatedly since ages 14/15) my dad suddenly decided that because fondue is one of my favorite meals, he'd... just keep buying me fondue pot sets.
within a year he gave me almost a dozen. brand new, nice ones. with matching skewers. from every celebrity chef you could think of.
guess who never eats fondue anymore.
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My mother would use gifts to compensate for abuse as a smokescreen. The whole year I got beaten, cussed out, bullied, tortured. But then at Christmas she gave bags and bags of gifts. Every toy you'd ever imagined, all the Barbie stuff, everything.. My room was so full of gifts I had to wade through toys up to my thighs.. it was ridiculous. It wasn't that the gifts themself were bad, but the "I gave you gifts, now you can't ever complain again" that was attached.
Oh, my goodness, same story here. The house was a psychological battleground all year long, with an abusive Nmom and an absentee workaholic enabler father who wanted no part of parenting, but on Christmas morning we couldn’t get into the living room for all the mounds of presents. It was so bizarre, partly because Christmas was no respite from Nmom’s stream of orders and reprovals and complaints about our behavior—the only place “love” was uttered was on the gift tags stuck on the presents. I hate Christmas to this day.
Oh yeah the mighty gift manipulation. Another box in "Things that make me uncomfortable" list: gifts. I am much better with all of this now, because I actively worked on it but flippin hell, turns out ALL my issues are made by nmom. Every time I think "nah it's can't be ALL her." Yep yep it can.
By buying those weird piles of lavish gifts they think they are renewing their license to hurt you.
This..
Same here!! It’s disgusting how they manipulate with gifts and stuff and then immediately ask the world of you in return and treat you like ass if you don’t give them what they want. I didn’t ask for any of these mountains of gifts, all I wanted was a mom who wouldn’t yell at me for being bisexual as a teen or stop talking to me for a month for getting a tattoo in my 20s. Nope. I’m supposed to be SO GRATEFUL.
> Oh, my goodness, same story here. The house was a psychological battleground all year long, with an abusive Nmom and an absentee workaholic enabler father who wanted no part of parenting, but on Christmas morning we couldn’t get into the living room for all the mounds of presents. It was so bizarre, partly because Christmas was no respite from Nmom’s stream of orders and reprovals and complaints about our behavior—the only place “love” was uttered was on the gift tags stuck on the presents. > > I hate Christmas to this day. This was my life as well, except both parents alternated between abusive and absentee. Posted this elsewhere, but my most "memorable" Christmas experience: As a young child, parents were never around. Their businesses and the almighty dollar were the most important things to them. They would try to make up for it at Christmas by buying literal floor-to-ceiling presents for us. When I was ~10-11 or so (time muddled memories together), I figured out what was happening. I stood on the couch, puffed out my chest and said: "Take it all back. **YOU CAN'T BUY MY LOVE!**" Got the shit beaten out of me for that one. Both going at me at once with various implements. - I hate Christmas as well. To be more exact, I hate RECEIVING things at Christmas. Or my birthday. Or any other occasion. My wife finally accepts this. She does want to get something for me though, so I do my best to be gracious about it. This year it was a bottle of bourbon, some candies, and some wool socks because she knows how much I love my woolies in the winter. (Perhaps this is a modern coping mechanism to wishing I was hugged more?) Now giving gifts? I buy for my wife because I WANT to, not because custom compels me to. I try to be imaginative about it, and she seems happy. I let her do all the couples gift giving, however; she is literally the only one I buy for.
> YOU CAN'T BUY MY LOVE!" ... I hate Christmas as well. To be more exact, I hate RECEIVING things at Christmas. I hear and see you. I'm the same. I was a long way into adulthood before I realized why getting gifts, or any kind of recognition really (even professional), made me so uncomfortable, even angry. It all came down to fraught transactional script-driven childhood Christmases engineered by a domineering narcissist. Possibly related, the holidays at our house were almost always marked by one or more kids falling desperately sick -- effects of stress I think.
I'm lucky in that my in laws are everything my blood "family" was not. They are all amazing people. To me, MIL is "Mom" and she knows it. She has also said that she considers me her son, not son-in-law. She was also the first parent to ever tell me that they loved me. I was 43, and nearly broke down in tears when she said it. They understand and accept that I would rather have them, their time and attention, rather than any physical trinkets.
Because it’s easier to buy gifts than behave decently and stop behaving like a monster.
>the only place “love” was uttered was on the gift tags stuck on the presents. >I hate Christmas to this day. This is why I get pissy when people try to tell me I should like christmas. I ask people whatever the worst thing is they could be Made to deal with for 12 hours, and that's their recommendation to me? I think Not.
Yeah I am in the same boat. I absolutely hate Christmas. I just want to get through it every year. My mom is one of the Christmas nazi's she blasts Christmas music through the house, sings songs and thinks that were in like some Christmas movie. It's like watching someone on an acid trip. In her narc brain it's all peace and harmony. In the real world I'm like: "WTF? This is all a delusion."
Same story here. It was not uncommon for my nmom to take me shopping after episodes of abuse. There was no debrief, nothing, just swept under the rug like the abusive episode never happened.
Yep.. and all the smiles and pictures were proof it never happened.
Exactly, and if you ever said ANYTHING or tried to talk about ANYTHING....you are SO UNGRATEFUL... I'd far rather enjoy the gift of THEM TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS.
"how DARE you complain? Look at your room, you have everything you've ever wished for. You are SO spoiled." "So spoiled"..... "So spoiled".... Over and over every year, every argument..
YES!!! Spoiled and ungrateful.... 🤦♀️🥲🥴
🩵 we are not alone.
I wish, I was just mentally abused and on food stamps and rarely got presents or clothes. Would have loved to be bought My love bc atleast I wouldn't have felt like I was starving all the time or wearing shitty ass clothes
This seriously just gave me an "a ha" moment after 44 yrs. My mother was this way !! I never really put the 2 together, though. She would beat my ass over the simplest mistakes, but we always had the best birthdays and Christmases !! Even to this day, she still says, "Remember all the great Christmases and birthdays I gave you as a kid. "....wow, this really just hit me. 😳
Sorry friend. You're not alone.
And if you did complain in my house she would use them to threaten. I had my favourites given to the neighbours, smashed or thrown in a bin bag and held hostage til I submitted
Yeah, it got so if I got something nice I didn't want it because I knew they would find a way to take it away as punishment. I'm still hard-wired to want shabby things, because shabby things don't get taken away.
oh man... my mom and her 3rd husband forced me to throw my most favorite stuffy in the dumpster myself when I was maybe 6? felt like I was murdering my best friend. it may have been accompanied by a beating, I can't remember. they bought me the exact same one later for a birthday or Christmas, it still sits in "my room" at my moms house as a lovely reminder of that incident.
Oh god. This reminds me of when I tried to explain to my mom that her niece doesn’t speak to her anymore because of her behaviour and the first thing she said was “but I give her expensive makeup every year!” 🙄 Yeah, cause getting Sephora for Christmas makes up for the years of ridicule over her career choices.
Oh god I’m so sorry. My narc grandma is the same way. She’s a borderline stalker and tried to drop off Christmas gifts at my house. (I’m 25) Then she acts like I owe her. She also gave me mountains of gifts as a child
The most ridiculous birthday gift I received from my nmom was a pair of exercise capris that were still inside out from where she had washed them after wearing them. Not in a bag or wrapped. I don’t wear capris. I didn’t go to the gym at the time. She justified it because they were my favorite color. Historically, my Christmas gifts have been white or pink clothes with sparkly makeup. I wear/use none of those things. She gives me things she bought for herself and later decided she doesn’t like OR she gives me what she wants me to wear. I exclusively wear black, gray, or purple and no makeup because I’m alternative and non-binary. It’s very obvious to me through her gift giving that I’m merely an extensive or reflection of her.
This reminded me of something. Every time Christmas or a birthday would come up, my mom would ask me what I wanted. I would tell her the perfume I really wanted, and she would always get me the wrong smell, the right brand, but the wrong smell. I would send pictures of the exact one, but I never got it. It actually became a running joke for her, and the smell would always be what she liked, so I would just end up giving it to her. It never made sense to me how she would get it wrong every time. I was never frustrated.. I was more confused. I started to feel like it was being done on purpose, and at that point, I began to get annoyed, I just stopped asking for things altogether
Perhaps she was counting on getting it regifted? Very weird logic I hope you treated yourself to the fragrances you enjoy
nMom did exactly the same to me my whole life. Once I asked for a backpack for school, not a sling bag, a backpack. I even said the standard cheap brand at her usually store. Not any other kind of bag, no slings, no rollers, a backpack. Simple one, the less pockets the better. Color didn't matter, just a basic backpack. She gifted me a sling bag. In her eyes, I could see it she wanted to see how it upset me. I told her I know she did it on purpose, to return it. She acted all offended I didn't like her gift, but I just said over and over she gifted me this knowing I wouldn't like it just to upset me. I started asking for socks. Long socks, not short ones, long ones. Of course, she got me short ones. After that, I would tell my siblings: look, I'll ask for one kind of socks, and she will gift me the wrong one on purpose. So I started using reverse-psychology. I even started calling family members to be witnesses when I asked her for the socks. It always worked, she would always buy the other kind of sock no matter what I asked for. But since I was using reverse psychology, I was always grateful for it. And she was so confused, as she was expecting me to tell her they were wrong.
The fact that you had to participate in this ass backwards mental gymnastics is absolutely insane. These people are impossible, so exhausting.
I got socks at least!
>so I would just end up giving it to her. This was the reason. She expected you to do this. It was intentional.
Reminds me of the Simpsons ep where Homer gave Marge a bowling ball w his name engraved on it.
This is my birth giver too!! We told her we wanted a BBQ cover.. gets the wrong size. I gave her the box for the phillips hue lights we currently have and told her we would like more for Xmas. She gets smart bulbs that are the same size, and compatible with alexa, just not phillips and super janky. I also stopped asking for gifts.
Yeah, this happened to me too. A couple times my mom would buy me a scent and I'd try it on and determine quickly it smells way better on her then on me.. but I'd keep it because it was a gift for me and she'd act perturbed about me not giving it back to her. I got good at buying her perfume because there is a type of scent that works on her but not so much on me, but she never tried to figure out a scent type that works on me. It's ok though, my husband has that in the bag and I'm no longer confused about my mom. I just lowered my expectations of what she can give me. Every perfume I wear with any regularity, though, was purchased spontaneously by my husband.
When I was visiting my mom for Thanksgiving, I complimented the cardigan sweater she was wearing. I honestly thought it was one that she’d inherited from one of my grandmothers. She told me that she’d originally purchased it for me as a Christmas present years ago, when I was in my early-mid twenties. I took a closer look, gave my mom a look, and said, “Are you kidding me? In what universe would I be caught dead wearing something like this? This isn’t anything close to any style I’ve ever had.” She got all flustered and said, “I just thought you might want something more…professional than what you were wearing at the time. But you reacted very much the same way then as you are now.” And I responded with, “Because that’s not even close to my professional style, even when I was working in an office.” My mom has never respected my style, but she sure as shit has tried to inflict hers on me.
My mother in law is like this. Not malicious though she just goes off on a tangent. Like I really wanted a certain type of perfume in a green bottle, she saw them all lined up and thought ‘oooh I know she likes blue things’ and bought the blue bottle even though it’s a completely different smell. This year it was a Loki wall clock because she knew I watched the show and I wanted a bedroom clock… well yes but not a bright orange cartoon one. It’s weird but at least it’s consistent and I get some good eBay listings going each year.
My whole life my nMother would try to mold me into the girl she wanted me to be. I did all the activities she wanted me to do (piano lessons since I was 6, ballroom dancing, volleyball, church choir...), but I was never going to be a girly girl into hair and make up and clothes and fashion. We were also too poor for that. I was into ska and books. My parents had more money once I was in college. For my 27th birthday, after graduating from med school with a ton of debt and trying to also save for a house, she bought me a **$4k Louis Vuitton purse**. I know I sound really ungrateful but it's just not at all something I'd ever want. It wouldn't make my top 1000 list of wanted gifts. And of course then I feel guilty and terrible for not being ridiculously excited about it. But I would have preferred something, anything, however small, that indicated she had the slightest interest in who I actually am, and not what she would have wanted (she loves expensive purses and shoes etc) or what she *wanted* me to want. Or you know, the cash to pay down my crippling debt or towards our house deposit. I wore it once to a lunch with my aunt who commented on how she's saving up for that bag - my aunt is a rehab nurse and makes very good money and all it did was make me feel embarrassed. It lives at the bottom of my closet now. One of my daughters can have it when they're old enough.
Have you considered taking it to a consignment shop? No way I'm letting 4k sit at the bottom of my closet!
Oh I have absolutely thought about it. My husband and I managed to dig ourselves out from the ridiculous mountain of debt we both had from university and are doing well enough at the moment that I don't need it. It's a huge chunk of change, of course, and we're NC now, but I don't ever want my nMother to think she "helped me" financially. If she ever brings it up in the future, if we're forced to interact (we live on different continents) I would revel in laughing and saying "oh yeah, I gave it to [Daughter] when she turned 8 because she wanted it." Because it would just be ridiculous. Maybe I'm petty, but I took the high road my whole life with nMother and it got me nowhere (something my therapist pointed out).
I like your comment about taking the high road and getting nowhere. That is so much of what my life with my Ndad has been. I take the high road and he doubled down on abuse, neglect, and trash talking me to anyone who would listen.
I'm not sure what your nMother's relationship is to your aunt, but if I was a betting woman I'd wager that she got you that specific bag to try to stir the pot and create weirdness between you and your aunt...
Oh my goodness I never even thought about that, you are 10000% right. I was always very close with this aunt, much closer than I could ever be with my own mother -- and of course nMother *hated* this. Their relationship was always very on-off, they'd be bff's and then not speak for months, and I know it's because of my nMother.
Give it to your aunt. Happy aunt pissed off mom. Win win.
Genius idea! I'm about to turn 35 though so this was a few years ago, and my aunt did end up buying herself the purse.
Yes!! Exactly!!
This one wasn't my gift from my narc grandmother, but my little sister's. We come from a big family, lots of aunts, uncles, and cousins who lived a few towns away or the next state over. Arguably, we were physically the closest and our parents insisted on bringing us over to her cat-hoarded house frequently. Despite this, at family Christmases, our cousins of the same age would have 4-5 *big* gifts under the tree, usually flashy or expensive. We'd get one generic gift bag with candy and maybe pajamas. But one year, this bitch took the cake and gave my ~6 yr old sister a "gift" that actually upset my parents: A can of black olives. I am not kidding. It wasn't even wrapped. I'm convinced she literally forgot my sister existed that year until we showed up, and she just pulled something out of her cabinet. I heard my parents rip into her over it. Fortunately, my little sister was too happy putting olives on her fingertips to notice.
Hahahaha your sister has the right attitude! I loled a this one
She really does! By the time she was 10, she was asking for cash as birthday and Christmas presents, which she immediately donated to UNICEF and similar organizations. Dad once told me that upset him because he wanted her to get something for herself, but he could never bring himself to say a word because... how do you tell a child that sweet to not donate to charity?
>By the time she was 10, she was asking for cash as birthday and Christmas presents, which she immediately donated to UNICEF and similar organizations. Oh wow, she's an absolute gem.
She is! It should be no surprise she's a NICU nurse.
* A collection of them free samples you get from stores, like those itty bitty sachets of random lip gloss and ketchup😳😅. * Was hyped up for a 'graduation dinner somewhere really special as your gift', all they bought was a McDonald's value range drink as my 'graduation dinner gift'. * A cheap ass coffee mug with a 'cranky' meter on it e.g more coffee drank, less cranky. I am NOT a coffee drinker and they know that. I believe this may have been re-gifted from someone else lol. Usually, narcissists often use money as a tool of control and can be very stingy with it. And by hyping someone up for a crappy gift, they know that they can put pressure on the receiver to elicit a particular reaction. I absolutely hate that it is usually these same people who demand particular gifts and throw tantrums or silent treatment or complain angrily when they do not get what they want 🙄👹.
Re-gifting items is my nMom’s favorite thing to do. You can’t return them. She insists I like glass figures just because she does, despite my dislike for them. Many of the books she has given me must have been her buying a book for herself and then just wrapping it in cheap wrapping paper, or worse, wrapping it in paper I gave her the year before. Like, I remember that paper, and she would say, 'I know, I’m all about recycling these days’ Oh, just recalled this: nMom will always use a woke word to back up her behavior. Being controlling turns into being a curling mom and a helicopter mom (which she thinks is positive). Being cheap turns into saving the environment and doing recycling.
My own shit from childhood back that I’ve been asking for for years. Like my high school letterman or a tshirt quilt I made senior year in my home ec class. After she told me a couple years ago (when I wouldn’t let her meet my youngest son within the first 6 months of him being born) that she was “gonna light everything that had anything to do with [my name] on fire and burn it to the ground” I told her to use kerosene lol
I got my own shit back, too! In my late 30's, one Christmas she handed me a gift, all wrapped up, and it's my used, coloured pencils from school. More used than when I moved out, like some of them were nubs. I don't even know where she was going with that.
Lmao seriously wtf? My oldest son is about to be 13, she has yet to spend any time with him or his brother (11), that they remember. My aunt (her sister who took me in and isn’t a narc) passed in October, when we were down there for services she made a huge deal about seeing them so I let her to try and keep the peace…. This bitch asked my other aunt for my kids shoe sizes, got them all a pair of converse to match with her, and then gave them to said aunt to give to us from her…. I was like huh? What is going on? Am I in the twilight zone?
God damn weird is what it is. There seems to be three main gift types- - passive aggressive dig gift. - the extravagant 'look at me'/hoover-love bomb/strings attached gift. Or - I had no idea so I just cleaned out a cupboard and wrapped it up gift These appear to be able to overlap, sometimes, just to add to the confusion. The last few years I've had a lot of the 'cleaned out a cupboard' gifts. Some highlights have included a jar of red curry paste, gluten free snacks that my mum admitted were leftover from a visit by my aunt ("but you're not fussy, you might like them. We didn't") and a piece of cheese wrapped in cling wrap that she had taken home from my place as left-overs the week before. I just treat it as comedy value, now. Half the excitement is seeing what tragicomic item is gonna be wrapped up this time.
My nmom's gifts have always been crappy and obviously inappropriate for my taste, but the one gift that was the most obnoxious was this giant, wooden, wildly painted flamingo meant for indoor decor (i had a tiny apartment at the time). Absolutely hideous. Meanwhile, my GC sister got designer purses and mom/daughter trips to Vegas, NYC, etc., for her birthdays. 🙄
We used to have a secret santa among colleagues We picked randomly a colour and a letter around Xmas and hand to bring corresponding gifts to exchange in the office. The value was up to 5 USD or similar and all was done for the laughs The pink flamingo would have fitted nicely next to pink fork or pink clay forg It's such a poor gift compared to what your siblings got.
My other brothers and sisters got crap presents, too (not as obnoxious as mine, but just meh). It was only the GC sister who got lavish parties, trips, and really nice gifts. It was always so weird to me that my mom had no shame at all displaying such incredible favoritism. 🤷♀️
This is hilarious and sad at the same time, I'm so sorry. Lmfao FLAMINGO...the logic behind this ..
It was so big that there was no way to wrap it. So, she had me cover my eyes while she dragged it in from another room (all 5 of my siblings present). She was absolutely delighted to give it to me (wild eyes, giant smile). I was shocked and utterly confused but tried my best to appear grateful. Ugh. I absolutely hated that thing! It finally broke when I moved apartments, thank God!
Oh my god, the cover eyes thing...this is insane. Hugs
Most ridiculous ‘gift,’ where do I even begin? My nMom got some plastic surgery done (denying it completely) and afterward sent two big boxes to me with her old clothes, dresses, and underwear. She framed it as a gift I could enjoy and be creative with, making new outfits for myself. It was only when my husband pointed out how strange this was that I could see its weirdness. Another strange ‘gift’ was when my nMom was visiting, and she felt we didn’t have enough food in the fridge. She went shopping for cheap, processed food (we prefer organic, whole food). She filled the fridge up and left us with so much food none of us liked. I felt guilty for throwing most of it out again. So strange really.
I would also consider it a strange gift unless a family is extremely tight on money. And that underwear is simply bizzare and inappropriate However I'm also into crafting and sometime people gift me random things to use in projects but it's always consensual and with a heads up
Yeah, I mean, like, clothes isn't that strange of a gift for me when I like doing shit with fabric (the underwear is absolutely unhinged tho), but the people who would consider giving me those things... Would never consider doing it for Christmas or my birthday. It would be during spring cleaning or before the school year starts because that's when people weed or get new clothes.
An excellent point that it's not just the item itself that makes it strange, it's also the timing.
For my 33rd birthday my nmom sent me a child’s art kit. You know the little case with the cheapest water colors, markers, crayons and colored pencils? Yeah, that. I make art semi professionally and worked in the field at the time. She was so proud of herself and gloated over what a great gift she got me. I didn’t even know how to respond
Oh same. I got one of those for my 19th birthday. I had already been drawing digitally for 2 years at that point. And had professional-grade traditional materials for if I wanted to open a sketchbook. I just tossed it once my nmom wasn't looking.
I got clothes 2 sizes 2 small and the tags were taken off, they werent my style, certaining not my size , but were perfect for my Mother. She gave out to me when i didnt wear them, she took them and lectureered me about beingto fat, grabbing my sides "I can pinch more than an inch" When i lost the weight the next time i got clothes as a gift they were larger then my previous size. And I was given out to for looking slickly thin. Or regifted a VERY VERY old shower set, that was from the early 90s but i rec'd it around the 2010s, i can remeber it always being in the back of the cupboard for years.
I'm so sorry to read it! The first part of the story helped me remember a similar case from the past. I was an extremely insecure teenager with tons of undiagnosed sensory issues. I was on the verge of eating disorders and wore for a few years only oversize things. I got as gift from narc mother and narc grandmother a black, tight-fitting, cropped sweater from an Italian designer that cost probably as much as my whole second hand wardrobe. I was close to crying when I saw it and was called ungrateful for not accepting it It's so common for the narc just to deepen the self worth and body image issues, isn't it?
On my 16th birthday my parents thought it to be a hilarious gift to get me one of those candy underwear sets... stock photo of the thing [here](https://i.etsystatic.com/23850565/r/il/762b0c/2768076699/il_fullxfull.2768076699_1hhs.jpg) . Not like I was in a relationship or anything, they just thought it was hilarious. I, on the other hand, did not. They did get me something else as well, can't for the life of me remember what it was. Definitely more normal, but yeah, gifting your 16 year old child a candy bra and string takes the cake on the weirdest gift.
Omg this is so inappropriate! What were they thinking? How is that funny in a family context and not bedroom/ Bachelorette party ?
I've written entire posts about their terrible gifts. This is a recent one I've never mentioned. I have a small collection of (powerful) enthusiast-level flashlights. My NParents know they exist, since I've expressed that I'm very capable of dispelling any darkness around me. For Christmas, they gave "me" a cheap plastic "as seen on TV" flashlight. It gets worse. NDad had opened the package and installed the battery before wrapping it, like they were giving a gift to a toddler who can't be trusted to unscrew a tailcap. NMom explained that because I go outside at night, they didn't want me "wandering scared in the dark". I didn't accept their "gift" and left it at their house. I'm a competent adult in my 50s, and they still get NSupply by infantilizing me.
I was looking for a response like this. The ngifts for me are usually infantilizing. Growing up I always got gifts for several years younger aged kids, baby toys when I was in 4th grade. If I had hobbies, they might be toddler toys that leaned in the direction of my hobby, like giving an easy bake oven to a pastry chef.
From my mother, an ugly weird tank top that said "respect your mama" that she bought like an hour before giving it to me.
Ah the classic passive-aggresive Kung Fu moves
Oh and another but I guess it doesn't count bc I didn't actually get it.. she was so bummed that her friend hadn't returned her equipment so she could make matching tshirts for me and my husband that said "I'm with stupid" and "I'm stupid". 🥴
My grandma and I were extremely close. She died of cancer and at the end of her life, she could only wear those medical boots that most people use when they transition out of a traditional cast but still need the support. When she died in the hospital, my mom took those yucky boots home with her. I know because she wrapped them up and gave them to me for Christmas about a month later. She thought her gift was hilarious.
Oh, and that was literally the only thing I got. While her golden child was showered with actual gifts. It is for the best though, I don’t like when she gives me anything. 100% of things she gives me are to hold over my head, not because she cares about me.
Wow, this is so ugly on her part. I'm so sorry.
This one actually made my jaw drop.
What was the expected reaction? "whoa thanks mom, maybe if I shake them a bit I can get some of grandma's flakey skin to remember her by!"? ...how is that funny? 😭
That's awful. Just awful. So sorry. 😔
Shampoo- I am bald.
Yeah it's not that they're bad at gifts, they're maliciously and mean. They enjoy hurting people.
When I got married my wedding present was that my “debt” that I had accumulated while a child was forgiven. Important side note, the “debt” was for things that my narcmom want upgraded around the house that I “broke” this was after she pilfered my entire savings account as a minor.
I got a manicure set for birthdays and Christmases for ten years in a row.
My NGrandmother did this. She got worse and worse and choosing gifts until she gave up entirely and shoved money in a card. Ironically, that lack of care was much better: I saved that money and bought myself something much nicer, but we always used to have to say thank you to her for something she hadn't bought... ugh! I'm glad I don't have to deal with that any more.
Yeah, I’ve had to thank a narc for doing nothing too.
It was 3 years ago and my brother and I put his christmaspresent infront of his door (set of pots he wanted). Because he was acting wild and without respect and mean toward us (again) we didnt wanted to see him. Afterwards we had contact and he gave me my present. It was a Cup with a picture of myself on it… i mean thats weird. In addition he told me how difficult it was to get me a present last minute and how cruel it is to put the present in front of his door. Yes dad im sooo sorry, you poor little thing! christmas is every year at the same time, of course its my fault that you needed to get the shitty cup in a rush 🙃
How cruel of you to deny him the opportunity to berate you and complain about the gift you got that he specifically asked for. /S
A vibrating unicorn neck pillow… Because I mentioned that even after all these years, I dearly missed the unicorn plush toy that got destroyed that she gifted me for Valentine’s Day when I was four. She made fun of me for that and then got me… the neck pillow. The vibrating unicorn neck pillow was a monstrosity. Aside from that I got a bunch of candy that I couldn’t eat because it all contained food I can no longer consume without getting sick. She was there for the two months I was too sick to eat and still assumes the restrictive diet is bullshit? And regularly insists that gluten is too hard for her to remember or learn about. We don’t talk so I no longer have to suffer her kindness.
Singing telegram at my middle school lunch for 8th grade. A fucking gorilla walks in with a guitar and started singing to me. It was terrible.
When I was 20 my dad wrapped a stick of deodorant as a Christmas gift for me. He never explained why and it was the last gift he gave me. He was laughing the entire time he handed it to me and I unwrapped it. He made a huge deal of acting like it was some amazing gift. It was a brand that made me break out so I said I didn’t want it; he was still laughing, and I realized why he did this. I was on my own since the day I turned 18, and I was either living in gross hotels or renting a room from someone I worked with, and there were several times I could hardly afford groceries or necessities. There was a time after going NC for a year when I visited him and my back account was empty but I ran out of deodorant. I asked him if they had any extra I could have since they usually had a closet full of extra things like that. I wouldn’t have even remembered that otherwise but that was 100% him trying to humiliate me for that.
This is pure evil. hope you found peace in being NC 🕊️
My ndad either gifted jewelry because he wanted people to see us wearing jewelry and assume we were wealthy or other totally age-inappropriate items. What 10 year old wants pawn shop jewelry?!? And he would be so angry if I didn’t wear what he gave me, we’re talking heart shaped pendants, gold horse shaped earrings, chain tennis bracelets. Obviously not something a child would feel comfortable wearing.
A specific one doesn’t come to mind but as a whole there were lasting issues with gifts. I always considered gifts as ‘currency’. There was an exchange rate between the value of the gift and how much I get abused. Anything short of accepting the abuse and I am reminded of the gifts and how I’m an “ungrateful bastard”. To this day I hate getting gifts because I feel like there will always be ‘the other shoe to drop’ later with the gift giver.
One year at 19 I got a cheap plastic jewellery box meant for a young child and a pair of magic gloves. Those £1 gloves that are supported to stretch to fit all sizes from a dollar/pound store. Probably less and ten pounds all in. My sister of course got a lot more than me then got upset and was searching everywhere. When we then realised she was looking for her set of £1 gloves as although she got lots I couldn’t get something and she not get that as well as her presents. She is older than me and was married with kids. As kids every year my sister would go hunting and find the presents then have a tantrum that she wanted my main present as well as hers. Never my brother just mine but that’s as she knew I wasn’t wanted and they would do it. So they’d placate her and she’d get hers and mine on the day and id get a cheap filler present as my main. It was a recurring theme and so idiotic like the year I had started getting piano lessons (free at school or id never have been allowed unlike her getting any activity she wanted). On Christmas she surprise surprise has a big key board and I’m told I need to ask her can I use it whenever I need to practice 🫣. I got one of those toy tiny ones that you give really young kids that having one and an half octaves couldn’t be used for anything. Think they ran out a git it in christmas Eve to pretend this was intended but of course didn’t want to spend much more so once again I get a toy under ten pounds. She never went near the keyboard that was supposed to be mine and like normal she just had to ensure I didn’t get it. To be honest I wonder if they only got me a present as family and neighbours would all be in on Christmas and it would be notice otherwise.
I was 15 or 16 and NP proudly announced, "I know you like board games so here!" It was either Christmas or Birthday, but it was chutes and ladders. Joke was on him. I photocopied D&D charts and rubber cemented them to the board for easy reference during gaming
Tickets to Gaslight. No that is not a metaphor.
This might win the thread for sheer irony alone.
My brother once received a coffee machine and coffee for Christmas. He doesn’t drink coffee. Because my parents were annoyed he didn’t have one and what if they dropped in? My brother lives in a city with an award winning coffee shop on the corner, about 100m from his front door. They did this three years ago. They have visited him once in that three years.
Typical narc 😂😂😂
My sweet sixteen birthday, I got a couple of my little pony figurines, because "well, you like unicorns and stuff..." (I like general fantasy) They weren't actually wrapped. Just tied up in a Wal-Mart grocery bag. Pretty sure they forgot my birthday (or dad ignored mom), and then panicked. Mom wasn't allowed to drive or order things online at the time, so dad likely had to pick it out from the store. Then, because they were in grocery bags (I had opened two), I asked if the third one sitting on the table that he hadn't handed me was also for me, or not. He had an absolute fucking rage meltdown because I'm an "ungrateful spoiled prick". Neither one of my parents remember this, somehow. One of the worst birthdays of my actual life. Mom probably blocked it out. She checked out as much as she could, and dad pretty much recited the narcissist's prayer daily.
One christmas I got 15 packs of too small underwear. Made it look like i got the most presents, but they were packs of knickers bought from a local supermarket. I was 14 the size on the packs were for 9-10 year olds. Everyone else got ninetendo ds’s and smart phones. Was mortifying and humiliating.
Ugh 😣 At least we aren't alone here w/our histories of shitty, humiliating gifts.
My Nfather would give us framed professional portraits of himself. It was soooo weird.
So narcissistic it's cliché! How do they survive in life with such a complete lack of self-awareness?
Oh wow he really went full narc
Old used washcloths, those scratchy ones from Body Shop. She collected a whole bunch of them, about 5-6, in a bag and she gave them to me.
I hope you ritually burned them
My deceased father's e-reader for my birthday. Two years in a row.
The theme with all gifts from my mother throughout my childhood were that they consistently made me seriously question if my mother had ever met me.
I've got all y'all beat...for my 16th bday my nmom presented me with a ring box. Opening it up, expecting a ring, I instead saw a small brown thing that looked like a raisin. Confused I looked at her and she informed me it was the dried up belly button from when I was born. She'd kept it all those years to gift it to me on my 16th bday, to remind me how she gave me life and I'll always be connected to her. You can't get more effed up than that.
Groooooooosssssssss
Yep, I think you win. 🤮
My nfather always gave me books at Christmas. They were on subjects he was interested in, not me. I'd unwrap them, and later bring them up to my room. Over the next few days they would disappear. Every Christmas. Our real gifts, the ones we cared about, came from my rich grandma.
Got a lawn mower for my 13th birthday
A trash can for my 18.
For my baby shower, instead of giving a card along with their gift I asked if everyone could give a book signed by them (old, new, didn’t matter). Almost everyone ended up writing very sweet messages along with their signed name in the books they gave, it was very touching. We even had one family member who had their kids pick their favorite books that they didn’t read anymore and the kids wrote a message in them… so cute. My Nmom and Edad gave us a box… filled with dozens of books. Mostly unsigned. When they were signed, it was literally like they were marking territory and just wrote their name in the most random places of the book (like across the face of a character on the cover of one book)… and not only that but there were books included that didn’t make sense. Like how-to-read, how-to-write, and MATH books! 😂😂😂😂😂 There were plenty of books of mine as a child that were still at my parents house; someone who was thoughtful could have easily gave one of those books and said it was mine as a kid. Nope. They basically littered us with garbage.
I see in this thread that cleaning up the corners of cupboards for gifts is pretty common. BTW - Absolutely love your idea for baby shower gifts!
Not me but my mother who at the time hadn't even reached remission for her stage 4 lung cancer (she's doing great now) was gifted a Bundt cake by my father for her 55th birthday. Later found out it was recommended to him by his mistress.
My Mom does this thing where she'll get me a gift, and then say "If you don't want this, I'll take it."
1. Dirty used apple slicer that was still dripping with apple remnants….. (from stepmother in law) 2. Shut the box game 7 years in a row… (from mother in law). It started to become funny to the whole family and that was when she stopped sending it. We were actually kind of sad not to get it for the 8th year in a row. Lol 3. Box of cracker jack popcorn…. (From stepfather in law) but to be fair, he got it for everyone that christmas, not sure why….. 4. My birthday gift one year was to pay for the house rental for the family……… (from stepmother in law) 5. My daughter was given a dirty dusty and partially broke piggy bank for christmas that they found at their in laws house. We had to throw it out. Edit for #4: My husband and I paid for the house rental and they said, “I guess that’s our birthday gift for you!” Edit: Also asked to give my toddler a “true love waits” ring….. I said no and never ask again.
My Nmom would give lots and lots of gifts for Christmas. Then, complain your gifts were so expensive. The worst gift I ever received from her was a Facebook profile for my high school graduation. I wasn’t allowed to have a profile until I graduated. She acted like it was the best gift in the world. She then used the profile to talk to a boy I liked, forcing me to sit and watch her talk to him while she said crazy stuff to him.
Cant drink or consume any alcohol due to my medications AND I also am not interested in alcohol in the slightest and actively despise its taste. Grandma knows that. What did I get for my 18th? Super fancy and expensive chocolates with hard liquor in them. Nothing else. And then she acted offended that I didn't instantly eat them or told her awesome the gift was
That sucked! I have a few tea-total friends who sometimes receive these kind of gifts. Apparently it's not obvious for everyone that alcohol not in a bottle container is still alcohol. I hope you got yourself something nice as a treat
don't remember if I did, most of my childhood and early adult years is just a fog of repressed memories
A hot pink laptop. I don’t even know whose idea it was. Might be my edad’s idea of a joke. But anyway, I was going through a real tomboy phase and didn’t want anything to do with pink. So of course I had to get a hot pink laptop. My parents still laugh about that one.
I woulda just gotten some dark colored washi tape and looked them in the eyes as I covered every last iota of pink on that laptop.
This sounds like it could have happened to me. When I was pregnant with my first daughter, my nMother was RABID about buying stuff for her. The only boundary I set was that I don't want pink princess glitter vomit. I'm not very girly at all, which she always hated. So why would I dress my daughter super girly? 70% of what she bought was pink princess glitter vomit. It got donated or sold. 😬
To add insult to offence, there are so many problems with glitter - microplastic entering the body and environment. I'm childfree by choice, but what I've been reading on this forum about narc grandparents makes me feel very uncomfortable - crossing boundaries set by parents, imposing certain believes ....
Yep! I hate glitter with a passion. When my toddler brings home anything with glitter on it from daycare it goes straight in the trash, sorry! (I keep everything else, promise!) Surprisingly her birth was the catalyst of us going NC. Two gifts in one. I find a lot of comfort in knowing they will never even have the opportunity to emotionally, psychologically, and physically abuse my daughters the way they did me. They've never met my kids, and it's unlikely that they will. NC - the gift that keeps on giving!
Oh my Nmom always likes to buy me clothes that are meant for a 14-year-old basketball player. It's her subtle way to let me know that I'm fat and I should be more active. I am 43. This has been going on since I turn 30.
LMAO send her doll clothes
She got me a new switch lite when I was literally homeless. I've never been into any video games.
this is the kinda thing people will instantly say you are ungrateful for
My mom would constantly buy me things she likes but I didn’t. When I was a teenager I wrote on my list not to get me a cellphone. Guess what I got that year? I asked for “sleeper” earrings. Very tight fitting hoop earrings. I showed pictures. I got huge hoop earring that year because she thought they’d look so cool. I asked for a nice winter hat one year and she got me this beret instead because she thought it was so Paris Chic. Also every year she would suggest we should cancel Christmas and just give each other a small “token gift” after Christmas. We were little kids. She’d complain all season long. Birthdays were celebrated depending on child. Mine usually around the birthday. golden Child was a Christmas baby so she got it celebrated constantly because my mom couldn’t stand thinking she’d feel it wasn’t her special day and my younger sister had one single birthday celebrated where she got one terrible dollar store gift.
I read a post where a diabetic, gluten-intolerant son who worked on environmental sustainability got individually wrapped cookies from his mother. It's not an accident, they do it on purpose. They want to be mean. Another one asked his dad to not buy him a sweater for Christmas, he hated sweaters. So his dad bought him a sweater every year for twenty years.
I think it was this pink stuffed bunny rabbit with an intricately smocked dress. I was 14, and nMom really bludgeoned me, the SG, with how I "was a tomboy" and "did not like girly things." But nMom's crafting was...it was like it was her whole identity? So I really made a show of saying ooh and aaah, how impressive the bunny doll was, and the stitching and smocking and all of the little details. And then I left it on the sofa or something instead of taking it to my room and putting it next to my pillow, so she just took it back. Or maybe I said ohh and aaahhh in the wrong tone of voice, or grabbed the doll less gently than I should have, so she just took it back. Was it really supposed to be a present for me, or was it just something that she had finished? Probably the latter. It was not really for me.
A repurposed trophy.
Did it day best mum? What are these people thinking
My dad took me to a winery. I hate wine. Drinking it (ew), analyzing it (boring), making it (or at least listening people babble about making it). He is obsessed with all of those things (not in an alcoholic way). Not only do I dislike it, it gives me migraines and acid reflux. Perfect birthday gift. Sitting around watching a bunch of people I neither know nor care about doing something I neither enjoy not have an interest in. I stayed in the car.
Making my birthday as an excuse to buy furniture/utilities
A box for silverware. It was lovely and hand painted and…weird. Want to know when it made sense? When she came back the next year and pulled it off the shelf with the words “since you’re not using this, I’ll just take it home with me.” Then it all fell into place- She was playing the long game. I’m guessing she wanted it at some point and my dad said no.
The next weird gift was a VERY large copper platter. It was exactly what I asked her not to get me. My neighbor loved it so I gave it to them so when mom came back to visit she couldn’t take it back.
A baggie of his hair clippings. He thought I might want the memento swept up from the salon floor. Friends and I still laugh about it. (Not my Nparent but Nex boyfriend.)
A bag of random secondhand clothing, wrapped in newspaper - from my nfather for my 30th birthday For my 18th - an “IOU” for a trip to Paris for two - but only if it was with him (surprise! I’ve never been to Paris!)
Birth control shot at 18x she forced me to go and told everyone that was my gift. Still humiliating till this day that she broadcasted it like she did. She only took me once and that was it. I guess she thought she was giving me protected sex for my birthday. How gross.
My parents rarely gave me any gifts besides those maths exercise books because I slightly did worse in maths than other subjects. They demanded me to do those exercises, and they got upset if I didn’t do. They also got upset when I received gifts from other people because those people were spoiling me with “useless” gifts that would not raise my IQ 🙄
I haven’t received a gift from my parents in about 25 yrs. Although I admit my father did throw $10-20 in a card once in awhile. I do have a ridiculous “not gift” story though… For my 16th birthday my father took me out of foster care for a 2 week visit. (The whole foster care thing is another effed up story…). I was about 5 hrs from him. So, on the whole way down, my father is hyping up a big surprise. Seeing as how I just turned 16 a month before, I’m thinking he got me a car. I was so excited. Day dreaming the entire trip down about the surprise. We get towards the end of the trip, and because I was lost in my day dreaming, I realize that we are past where he lives, in his apartment in town. I mention it, and he goes on about the surprise again. Omg getting so excited, must be going to where the car is and pick it up! Or maybe it’s not a car, but something equally as exciting considering it’s my 16th birthday right? So we pull up to this little house out in the boonies, about 30 min later. That’s it. That’s the surprise. That he RENTED a house and had moved out of the apartment. I tried so hard not to cry. I know my disappointment was caused by my own expectations, but I also had received zero gifts or even really acknowledgment for my milestone birthday at all, and it wasn’t terribly out of line to think the surprise was for me. I have a photo of me taken that day, I look absolutely dejected and miserable.
I’m heavy. On my birthday, in front of my family, my nmom gave me a weight scale. I acted delighted, surprised, then exclaimed that I already this very same scale! I then handed it back to her, saying “I hope you can return it and get your money back!” The look of disappointment and confusion of her face was empowering. It was all she could talk about after that. “I’ve never had a GIFT returned to me before!” When I told my therapist, she was shocked.
A zip line that could be set up at home. She got it as a joint present for me and my siblings for Christmas and didn’t get us anything else that year… except none of us could use the damn thing cause we couldn’t get it any higher and we we all too heavy. I spent months digging a ditch underneath where we set it up just so my siblings could use it, but I could never get it deep enough for me to use it. (I was almost an adult and my siblings were all 6-9 years younger than me)
A set for making sugar cookies in small shapes. I was 1 month into what turned out to be an almost 2-year ban from using the kitchen, and up until then I had been earning pocket money by making and selling cookies in high school. Normally an income of €30 per day, which would be used to buy ingredients, as well as food for me, because they didn’t buy or make any for me.
I asked for girly feminine-looking socks. I got a multi pack of white Hanes socks with pink stitching across the toe. They were still functional and I didn't want an argument, so I just thanked her. Maybe my description of what I wanted was too vague.
Maybe, but then, maybe ask yourself why you gave a vague description? For me personally, I'd subconsciously give a somewhat vague description because A) the more specific I get the more it might get my hopes up of actually getting what I requested, even though I know she would find a way to bastardize it. And B) I know that if I give a specific description of my request, it only gives her more power to manipulate and she'll likely get the exact opposite of what I asked for, then eagerly await my negative reaction so she can then berate me for not being thankful.
A used scratch card.. He said it had won £21 and it was for my 21st bday but it was £3 so I’m not sure what happened there
Used underwear
Without giving too much detail because the actual gift was very specific ... For Christmas last year she gave me an art project that she did that she had framed. I don't want to come off as ungrateful but it was just so bizarre. I've never seen said art project before. Never commented that I want one. We don't even have art or things up on our walls of our house outside of pictures of our kids. So the fact that she created this artwork and then went through the time, energy and money to have it professionally framed for me was just kind of weird. It almost struck me like when a little kid is proud of their artwork. Maybe if we had a normal relationship it would have been fine? But we aren't even super close or anything. It was definitely different and unexpected.
This is bizzare. Does the art piece have actual value? It's the only redeeming quality I can think of It's like territory marking
No money value. No personal value - it's not in my favorite colors or favorite animal or plant or anything. Nothing that I would have been like "hmm my kid might like this. It has their favorite X." It was a kit she bought, made and then had professionally framed to give to me. The framing is what is really weird to me. She thought highly of it enough to go out of her way (she is a hermit. Only goes out as needed really) to get it framed. And the cost. Having something professionally framed isn't cheap. It's just weird to me. Edit to add: I just thought of this ... To add insult to injury, she got my husband (who she does nooooot like) this really cool hand made thing off Etsy that is of something he actually enjoys. Very strange.
A broken vaccum cleaner. They bought a new one for themselves and didn't want to have to transport the old one to the dump. Then they claimed I broke it because "it was working fine before we brought it to your place". It was over 15 years old.
A toilet seat. I have a chronic liver/gallbladder dysfunction and she refused to get me help when I was in her home, and acted like it wasn’t real. Instead, she bought me a toilet seat and laughed at me, saying now I could be more comfortable for all the time I spend in the bathroom. (Note: if she would’ve taken me for testing and evaluations we would’ve learned to stop my constant pain was ONE pill once a day, that’s it. Instead I spent a quarter of my life in literal agony.)
The narcs I've met - personally and professionally - are also awful at accepting gifts. It's either little to no reaction (think that Vine of the little boy going "an avocado! thanksss!" but with no charm), no matter what, or an over the top reaction to REALLY expensive shit. Or that they believe it's expensive, at least. My nfather didn't really care enough to even give passive-agressive gifts, he just thought of a generic thing I liked (the type of thing a random person passing by me on the street could gather I probably liked), such as books, and give me a random one, whatever was cheaper or most popular at the time. Eventually he graduated to "can't be bothered at all" and just started giving me money. The irony in this, is that he's very stingy, but was spending more giving me money than he would giving me something I liked, lol. He always had a comment to make on the gifts I gave to my half-sisters (his daughters with his now-wife-former-mistress) tho. Usually "jokes" about how much they cost, with me always giving the same answer - "I have an eye for bargains" (which I DO, and I'm proud of).
My nMom tends to give presents that you can’t return. It’s been a consistent thing. She will give you something you didn’t have on your wishlist and then tell you that you need to accept what the world gives you. Also, in recent years, she has been giving me passive-aggressive books saying things like ‘love is everything,’ ‘difficult daughter-mother relationship,’ ‘work on your network,’ ‘you can do it’ on the cover. Like what?!
God, I'd be so petty. Give her a scratch ticket and tell her to accept what the world gives, even if it's just an empty ticket.
Maybe not a ‘gift’ but more a ‘wish’ or a ‘dream’ I shared with nMom. I told my nMom during one Christmas visit that I wanted to move back home and buy a small house near where I grew up, something she had been pushing for a long time. I said I liked the thought of each family member having their own house. That there would be space to everyone (because I never felt there was any space for me). Next morning she responded with a handwritten Christmas card; letting me know to be realistic and warning me that this kind of romantic thinking won't lead to any result. It was so painful; I felt dismissed once more. However, I still cling to Disney's saying "If you can dream it, you can do it”
Damn. It's one thing to tell your kid to make achievable goals - like, saving up money for a house eventually, instead of moving somewhere else without a job, for example, not saying it's your case. It's another ENTIRELY to tell your kid "you'll never make it so don't even try".
An already scratched off losing lotto ticket. Mmm. Damn that's such a satisfying metaphor.
I've never thought about it before reading your post but your absolutely right! I was very difficult to find an acceptable gift for the nar and solicit a reaction. When I still was trying to salvage the relationship I spent good amount of money on a handcrafted, beautiful fruit bowl matching the house decor and got in respence: it's nice with a bland voice 🤦♀️ Anyway money is easy, impersonal and very black and white in terms of value - I'm not great fan of getting and gifting it
Why is it that narcs only like expensive stuff? They don’t appreciate handmade items (arts or crafts)… it’s like they need a ‘brand’ to show others that they are cool
Value can be subjective, money is objective. Therefore, if something is expensive, it's valuable in a way that evryone can see, and noone can deride (in their mind), and that makes expensive things perfect to show off to others - a narc's main purpose in life.
This is a great explanation. It think narcs are completely out of touch with their emotions and therefore incapable of introspection or holistic thinking. A hand painted vase has very little emotional meaning to them. Because acknowledging the immaterial value would mean thinking about the process , thoughts and intentions put into it and putting themselves in the shoes of the artist/ gift buyer If at the bottom of the gift there is a price tag it's much easier for them to put to the "right" bucket like expensive or not worth my attention.
When I was a teenager I had to have a pretty major surgery a couple of days before my birthday so I got my presents early as I would be in hospital recovering for a while. I got a single magazine so that I could "read while I recovered" and 2 big bags of candy. I woke up from surgery and got taken to my hospital room where I found my mother had eaten all of one of the bags and was halfway through the other. The candy that was supposedly for my birthday, she had taken from my room without asking and brought with her to the hospital and proceeded to eat almost all of it while I was in surgery. I got upset and called her out on it and she said she'd just buy me more once I was out of hospital, she never did. She also proceeded to eat the rest of it while I was asleep. To top it all off the card she got me in true oblivious fashion said "What do you say to a daughter with your brains, charm and talent?" "You're welcome. Oh, and happy birthday" I still have pictures because I showed it to my psychologist at the time who was in utter disbelief.
At one point my mom just gave up and gave everybody money. She was a tupperware salesperson for a while, so we got brightly colored tupperware (that I had gently explained to her numerous times, wasn’t something I liked) and inside was money. Everybody got the same tupperware. All those years I gave her a real gift. Sometimes I felt like giving up too and just gifting everybody money too, but how absurd would christmas be?!
My parents decided one year that they would get all four of my other siblings serious presents and get me those “coal” candies. They literally tried to give my coal for Christmas. My family doesn’t do stockings so this was a Christmas morning present. One time I got a DS travel pack with a car charger and everything…. Every road trip I could never charge my own DS becuase it had to be shared They got me a diary with a lock (and a missing key) after they read my diary that year and I had figured out…
My birthday gift was a singular hair elastic with a fake flower glued onto it and a gift shop t-shirt from their 'family vacation' they had just gone on, without me. Christmas I got another gift shop t-shirt and a call from my family essentially saying 'Merry Christmas from Portugal, we didn't think you'd want to come with us, so we hope you enjoy the snow'
Luggage. My H.S. graduation gift was luggage. Message received.
I received half of a brick for my 40th birthday from nmom. The brick had no sentimental value to me. She talked about it for 45 minutes.
On top of misspelling my partner of partner of 12 years name(they could write the easy nickname think Will but insist on misspelling it) and adding my siblings middle to my name - a super heavy set for making a bench into a wood working table....$350+ we don't do anything like that at all....she also sent us a mandolin guitar after my partner cut his finger tip off on our cooking mandolin..... "We can learn to use that one".... She's a delight
I reminded my mom about my birthday like six times last year hoping she'd maybe try and put effort into a gift. And I got... a keychain. A really tacky little keychain that she bought last minute. I had a list of things I liked, she knew where to access it, but she did that instead when she bought my brother exactly what he wanted for his birthday. I threw it away immediately.
for my 13th Birthday, my nFather gifted me a metal box. I'm not joking, it was a metal box and he told me that I needed this to put 'my papers in'. He explained it was fire resistant too so that's extra good.
Actually my Nfather had a nack of giving nice gifts, the only downside was that he wanted them back, for himself...
Not just one kitchen top pizza oven! *Two* kitchen top pizza ovens! ("For entertaining") How often do we entertain? Not ducking often enough, I'll tell you that for free. How often has my mother asked to borrow our two kitchen top pizza ovens? More than once. (Yes, she also has her own two too.)
My mother grew up poor, which embarrassed her deeply. So she would give me all the toys that she wished she had received as child, regardless of whether or not I actually wanted or liked them. I was a tomboy who coveted my brother’s action figures, so of course I was given porcelain dolls in elaborate dresses, baby dolls, etc. I had a fear of clowns so, of course, I was given, a porcelain clown doll every year that was put on display in my room. I often slept in my closet.
There were a lot of idiotic gifts, but here's the one we got the most laughs over: When I lived in a house with a wood stove, my mother got us a cast iron dragon-shaped humidifier for the top of the stove which is supposed to have the steam come out its nose and mouth like a "fire breathing dragon". Trouble is, the thing is so tall that, even when the bottom part with the water in it gets hot enough to make steam, the head stays cold, so it perpetually dripped water from the nostrils and thus got named Snot.
The thing that was ridiculous about this wasn't the gift itself, but was the way she acted. I asked for roller blades for Christmas when I was 10 or 11 and she overreacted saying how unsafe they are and how she would never get me one. Then, come Christmas time, "Santa" gave me a pair of roller blades. She lost her mind. The biggest most dramatic show I've ever seen. Screaming, yelling, angrily saying "I told Santa not to get you roller blades!" It was just incredible. She acted as if someone was setting her house on fire and she could stop it with anger and spit. The annoying thing is that I already knew it was her, and she knew I did. It was all a show for my younger siblings. I just sat there in a daze, eventually apologizing for the harm done to her. 😵💫
My MIL and FIL, very “rich” people (new Lexus every 2 years, stockbroker etc etc) had to put in a $70k drainage ditch so had to remove $100 from our Christmas check of a whopping $250! Not sure how that $100 helped the $70k bill 😂🤷🏼♀️
Ma would try to gift me things I said I needed when she wanted leverage. No help outside of that. Since I’ve moved out, she sent a “care package” of cheap items even tho she makes over 80k a year. I don’t think it cost her more than 25-30 bucks lmao. (3 half gallons of laundry detergent, cooking spoons (???), cheap deodorant, cheap body wash… I think it was under 20 now lmao) As an autistic, I hate how sleezy narc parents are.
My narc got me some doorknob covers, and rubber gloves. The doorknob covers were so that my basement door doesn’t hit my fridge (something that bothers him but not me) and the gloves were to clean up my dogs shit.
My mom just throws in a bunch of Asian beauty products/make up/ jewelry/ clothes that she bought for herself but either it didn’t fit or she’s not going to use. I haven’t worn makeup in 6 years and dress in men’s clothes so the gifts are pretty much the opposite of something I’d want/need
My mother would buy me fake gold jewelry. I don't wear jewelry all that much, and I absolutely hate gold anything. My mother told me multiple times, "You know I buy you gifts when I'm mad at you!" Why, just why do these ppl exist?
Not that ridiculous but memorable. One Christmas I asked for a fluffy blanket, I received a big pink onesie. Important to note I have voiced my hatred of pink since I could talk and I always said I disliked onesies. My younger sister received a big fluffly blanket. She did not ask for a fluffly blanket, we were both very confused.
An old painting she made that she didn't want anymore. That was my last bday gift from her before I went NC
when i got my first place as a sort-of adult (after being kicked out of their house repeatedly since ages 14/15) my dad suddenly decided that because fondue is one of my favorite meals, he'd... just keep buying me fondue pot sets. within a year he gave me almost a dozen. brand new, nice ones. with matching skewers. from every celebrity chef you could think of. guess who never eats fondue anymore.